Emily Falk

I think that this idea that we can understand why we did something is such a valuable insight for when we're the person giving the critique.

So when we think about how we're going to frame the request for our partner to load the dishwasher differently.

There might be all kinds of things that are on their minds that we don't have access to.

And so what you're proposing is that on the other side of it, we also think it's really obvious why we did what we did.

There are so many reasons that are salient in terms of what happened already in our day or other past experiences we've had.

That's a space that's rife for miscommunication of all kinds.

Oh, I love that you bring up the coach example, because I think the coach example is a situation where we've both agreed on the terms of engagement.

We've agreed that if you're the coach and I'm the athlete, presumably I've signed up to get your advice.

And we've also agreed that you are trying to do something that's in my interest, which is make me better at whatever the sport or activity is.

So if I'm paying you to be my swim coach, for example, and you give me some advice, it actually really reduces the chance that I'm going to say, well, you know, why is Shankar telling me to do it that way?

Because the terms of engagement are much clearer than the dishwasher situation where there are so many other variables at play where, you know, I'm not your dishwasher coach.

And so we haven't actually agreed that I give you input about those kinds of household chores.

Of course.

Yeah.

First of all, just as a little bit of background, there's amazing neuroscience research about the ways that the assumptions that we bring to an interaction or to even just hearing a story change the way that our brains respond to it.

So in research where people were given different backstories before hearing a narrative about a man who

It's ambiguous whether he's having an affair.

And half of the participants are given a backstory that makes it really clear that he is.

And half of the participants are given a backstory that makes it really clear that he isn't.

And then what we see is that the brain responses of the people who share the first backstory are really similar to one another.