Emily Falk

But they really diverge from the people who...

are given the alternative facts, the alternative backstory.

And so our assumptions work like that too.

When we're coming into an interaction and I think that our conversation is about the dishwasher and you think that our conversation is about, you know, whether we take time to do things that are important to the other person.

then, like, if I'm just thinking this is about when we do the dishes, it shouldn't be a big deal.

But if for you there's lots of other things that are wrapped up in it, then, you know, it's unlikely that we're going to make the same meaning of that conversation.

And so, you know, in Katie's comment, I'm certainly not proposing that people engage in situations where somebody is being disrespectful or, you know, where safety is at stake.

But in a situation where it seems like somebody has a bigger emotional response than you were expecting, I think being curious and thinking about asking for a little bit more information about what's going on for them can be really helpful.

When you think about the response that you're making and saying, why are you reacting defensively?

That implies a fault in some way, right?

Because defensiveness is not typically something that we think of as a positive way of interacting.

This reminds me a little bit actually of something that happened to me with my kids last week where

I have two kids who are twins, and they came home three days in a row from school off the bus basically in tears.

They were so angry about what was happening in their ride home from school.

And in particular, what was happening was that there's a seven-year-old who's on the bus with them who was really effective at dividing them, at sort of doing all kinds of things to provoke big emotional reactions from the kids.

And my kid Emmett came in and he was just like...

I can't handle this.

This is like so awful.

Like he's being terrible.

And I said, you know, I think it might be helpful to have a conversation.