Eric Lopez
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
All right guys, so I ended up in Iraq in 2009, fighting for the Taliban. Obviously I didn't get the 72 virgins. A photo leaked out of me eating some bacon. But I did the next best thing. I walked into a carpet shop and I told dude, yo, you got a magic carpet? He's like, no, Aladdin took the last one. But I got this fuck rug, since I like you my friend, 85 bucks.
He's like, you know what, think about it. You got a dinner and a date, you spend over 100 bucks and you still don't get laid. Fuck rug, guaranteed sex. I'm like, man, you got anything cheaper? Yes, our most popular model, the goat fuck rug. 20 bucks, no goat can resist. And I was like, any goat? So I needed to say I fucked Tom Brady.
Funny thing happened, ref stepped in, threw a yellow flag, penalized me for roughing the passer. I nutsacked him like three times, and at the end of it, like, yeah, that's how my balls deflated. All right, guys, thank you.
I actually showed up to that old place that burned up, episode three in Austin.
Since that day. You started then and there. Well, it was like my fifth time doing comedy.
But let's say around coming up in four years.
I was an avionics marine. I worked on F-18s.
They call me the lab rat. Pretty much the components that broke on the F-18, I guess I did technical or whatever. I fixed them. Shit.
I troubleshoot. I troubleshoot. Yeah, my fault. That's what I meant.
Yeah, they fucked up some shit.
I did just one tour of Iraq. Okay. Not that long.
I think Red Band did a tour of Italy.
Oh, probably the scariest one that you always.
Oh, you know what? I think I picked up on this one, man. I started cooking, like doing smoking stuff and everything.
Uh, brisket, ribs, all the good stuff.
No, no, a lab rat. That was a lab rat. I was like an air conditioning unit. Everybody's out in the fucking flight line. Oh, you're like Splinter. Yeah.
just like your normal things like if i see a rat going i'll be like it'll startle me something like that oh my goodness rat do you see a lot of rats uh when i was in iraq i was in the picture i'll take a flashlight be like make sure no spiders no rats coming around or anything yeah hell yeah i'd like to just know what else you write about like in your act what else do you talk about
It's kind of really weird because I matched with his fucking ass on a red-headed dating website, so I don't know what the fuck he's... Jimmy Kimmel cried on his show the day after the election, and I don't know if it was because of Trump's victory or the fact that he had 112 viewers. But seriously, it was kind of ironic when the tears made his black face run. Okay, let's keep moving.
So I'm actually working on a movie. It's basically the pot of little giants, but instead of little league football, it's a man who competes in women's swimming. I mean, this is a true underdog story against all odds. He sets multiple world records. It's called Big Booty Bitches in Bikinis Volume Four.
You know the worst is when you intend on handing out Halloween candy, but then you get so high you eat it all, and then you remember you inserted razor blades. All right, anybody here a fan of riddles? Y'all like riddles? Here's one for you. I heard this the other day. Who let the dogs out?
Yeah, that right off the bat seemed weird with the crowd.
Yeah, gosh. And Tony, I have been it's really scary. I didn't tell you last week, but I got visited by a ghost or something in my apartment. Tony, again, I've been playing a bunch of Call of Duty recently and I was laying on the chair thinking about starting to play Call of Duty and I'm laying on the chair and my girlfriend is sitting beside me and my shirt does this. Pretty scary.
And then I'm at my cousin's house, Tony, this past weekend in Charlotte. I was in Charlotte. And by the way, I won't get too close to y'all. I feel I'm very sick. I was very worried about Charlotte, but I somehow made it through. But Tony, I've been doing this thing where I ask people what their heritage is. Are you Native American? I've just been doing some crowd work with that.
And then I'm talking to my cousin, Trey, and they have one of the big speakers that's like the Google equivalent of an Alexa. And out of nowhere, it says Native American heritage, Native American heritage twice.
Yeah, that's what my cousin's Alexa said. Nobody started. It's weird. It's somebody trying to tell me something. I'm just trying to decipher what it means. Why did they say that?
I don't know what it is. I'm trying to figure it out, Tony, but I swear to God, it seems like it's somebody from the other side trying to communicate something to me, and I'm just trying to figure out what that is. Wow. So I'm kind of on a quest now.
Yeah, you relax for a few minutes. Please, Rick, I need help, man. Seriously.
Look at these people. Look. Look at them. They want it. Rick, I'm not doing good, man. Please help me. And seriously, after this, if you want to play Call of Duty, you could also do this at the apartment later, too.
Because it wasn't. She did it. I didn't feel anything. And I'm laying, and I could have seen if she pulled my shirt off.
Gosh, Tony, it's... Wait, so you really think that's kind of boring, though, the story, or what were you saying? I think it's very interesting. That's really bothering me right now. Why is it bothering you? I don't know, because it is kind of scary, isn't it?
I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I hate it, Tony. I hate it. I really do. It would scare me, for sure. Yeah, it's super scary. I'm dealing with all this shit. It's almost Thanksgiving, but I'll make it through. Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere this weekend, Tony. I'm exhausted.
I wish, but no, I have not.
No, it's just literally those two things. So I'm trying to just put it all together. It's kind of hard.