Esther Perel

So I spent 10 years studying infidelity, wrote State of Affairs about it, and began to really... I have a list of 150 questions, really, that it wasn't just one.

But I think the most important set of questions come from this distinction.

Try not to go for the facts.

Where were you?

When did you do it?

How often did you do it?

Did you do it standing?

Did you do it lying?

Did you keep your clothes on?

Did you bring them to the house?

Go for the meaning.

What did it mean for you?

Why do you think you did this?

And what were you thinking about us as this was happening?

And do you want me to forgive you or do you think I actually would be more respected by you if I didn't forgive you?

Do you think you are forgivable?

Would you have accepted something like that from me?

Go for the investigative questions rather than the detective questions.

For the meaning, not for the meaning, not the fact, because it's in the meaning that you will also understand.

Did it have anything to do with you or with your relationship or did it have absolutely nothing to do with you?