Esther Perel

Now, everyone wants to know what percentage of people cheat.

I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference.

It applies to you.

But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding.

Sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps.

So because there is no universally agreed upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity, estimates vary widely from 26% to 75%.

But on top of it, we are walking contradictions.

So 95% of us will say that it is terribly wrong for our partner to lie about having an affair, but just about the same amount of us will say that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one.

Now, I like this definition of an affair.

It brings together the three key elements.

A secretive relationship,

which is the core structure of an affair, an emotional connection to one degree or another, and a sexual alchemy.

And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving can be as powerful and as enchanting as ours of actual lovemaking.

As Marcel Proust said, it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.

So it's never been easier to cheat, and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret.

And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll.

When marriage was an economic enterprise,

infidelity threatened our economic security.

But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security.

Ironically, we used to turn to adultery.