Eve Ellenbogen

Hi, I'm Eve. I moved here to Austin like a year ago from New York, which makes me better than everybody. And I don't really blend in very well in Austin. People tell me that, that I have like a real New York vibe, which I think is them being like, you're such a fucking Jew. You're such a dirty little Jew. And I'm like, I know, spit on me. Make me cum. Any other Jews allowed in here?

Yeah, in the back. I'm not a religious Jew. I'm just a New York Jew, which is like Jewish, but just for business purposes only. So I don't follow the Jew rules. I eat bacon. I love, love foreskin. Together is the best way on a bagel. It's like a sandwich, you know? It's like a BFT, right? Like bacon, foreskin, tears. Living in Austin has changed me a little bit.

I never used to say retarded, but now I say retarded. In New York, we don't say that. We're better. But then I moved to Texas, and almost everyone is retarded.

Like a whore, yeah.

No, but tell me.

Cool, that's a good tip. Thank you.

And I guess it's like free, which is like a Jew thing. Exactly. Yeah, so that's good. You guys don't like the Jew jokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.

No. I started when I lived in Korea. I lived in South Korea.

I can kind of see that with the haircut.

The first time I met Hans, I spoke to him in Korean, and he got hard. I think it was like, because it reminded him of his mom. Incredible.

It's hard. You really got to spread them. Why were you in Korea? I spent my 20s teaching English in Korea. I'm 40 now. What made you want to do that? I just didn't want to have a normal... I just didn't want to be in the U.S. Why? What was going on? Well, I guess I grew up and I knew that I would leave. My mom died when I was a kid and I was like, I got to get out of here.

Stop trying to fuck me, Jay. I was seven when she died. How did she die? She died from a brain tumor.

Does that make me kind of retarded?

No, she was very sick from when I was like five. You guys want to hear this, right? When I was like five, she was like a lawyer, she was very smart, all this stuff. Fuck you, Red Band. And then she... Bill Maher's jerking off!

Yeah, so I can't tell you with this music.

All right. So then she couldn't speak anymore. She was like, and she wasn't really kind of there anymore. And so she didn't tell. I knew from other people, but you don't really get it.

I was like learning how to spell my name.

I never thought of it, but you're right. She was very smart, and for a period of time, I was smarter. Thank you, Tony.

Looking up. I'm kidding. She's not in hell. I'm kidding.

My dad is turning 90 next month. Oh, my goodness.

He's very funny. That's where our whole family gets it from my dad. James McCann is a friend of mine, and he loves a joke that my dad told him, which I hate.

It was just a quick thing. His voice was going, and he goes, Sorry, I'm a little horse. I'm a pony. And that's, yeah. Wow, that is a wacky joke. James will say it. He'll be like, I'm a little horse, I'm a pony. Because my dad has a fun, chewy way of saying it.

No, no, no. No, he doesn't have any race jokes, but there's so many sex jokes. And I have to be like, stop. I don't want to know you this way. That's what I tell him.

Yeah.

He did a bunch of things, like first in math stuff, then he owned a little publishing company, then he went to art dealing, and then controlling the media.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now he's just running the banks.

Yeah, I live in Austin.

No. Why? Because of my hair? Yeah. Is that why? So my bangs are not usually this severe. I did like a taping the other day.

She did it herself.

No, it's like, it's the end of the world. I'm so horny all the time. But no, I did a little taping thing on Friday and I panicked because I get anxious. And so I was like on the phone just cutting my bangs. And then I went, I think I did okay. And then it didn't, it doesn't look that great, but it'll grow in. That's what you learn when you have bangs.

You have like- One handed. It was, yeah, it was crazy. Like I was, I was like, I'm in a moment. You know, when you're in a moment and you're like, this is, it's this or cut myself. And I did the bangs.

I was, no, I was like in a moment. It was like, I have to do this right now.

You don't have anxiety. I don't really get crazy anxiety, but when I get it, it's like a full, like, I'm not here right now.

I cut my bangs.

Yeah, exactly. I just, I mean, I journal. I do a little yoga. No, I don't know. I just fucking panic.

No, if I talk to the mirror, listen, I'm like a real basic bitch in some ways. If I talk to the mirror, I'm like, you're doing great. Like, that's what I do in the mirror. And then I'm like, you just cut those bangs. And then I have to deal with you being like, what's going on?

I know.

No, listen, it's fair. It's fair. There's a picture of me as a kid where I did the exact same thing, but that was because my mother was dead. Right. Oh, you feel so bad. You're so sad about it.

Thanks for my bangs.

I love it. Look, it has to do with how I feel in the moment. Sometimes my bangs look great right now. You know, I'm getting it together. That's how I feel.

Well, I was coping, is what I'm trying to say. I was coping with my hair. That's better than a lot of things. I don't really drink, right? I'm better than all of you, all right? There you go.

Yeah, that's true. It'll grow in. I got them cut like a month ago, and then they grow in faster than the rest of the hair. I love it. I love it. It's awesome.