Fergus Crawley

leaving people behind effectively and when he asked me that question I realised that I actually hadn't given it much thought I knew that I hadn't written a note I knew that that had felt like a disservice to my family but what I'd done in an irrational state of mind is framed my suicide attempt as a way to achieve peace or just a bit of a break from this sort of chaos that I was experiencing in my own head

I managed to almost reframe it as not dying, which is scary because I knew what the outcome was deep down, but somehow I rationalized it as something else.

very very pleased that obviously I was unsuccessful but the thing that does bother me still I'm very comfortable talking about it but the thing that does bother me is knowing that I was so insular and ashamed of how I felt about it as a young man this is what you should be doing this is how you should be presenting yourself whatever it is that I gave no consideration to

what was being left behind.

And every, moments like this, what I'm about to take on, everything I've achieved since, wife, dogs, amazing experiences, almost never would have happened if it hadn't have been for surviving, but one decision, none of that stuff would have happened.

And I think that's where there's almost reflection embedded into every positive experience I have now, because almost 10 years ago, there was a decision that almost meant none of those experiences would have happened.

So Chris and I were talking the other day and his big concern for the project is actually when I'm in the depths of fatigue with this is how am I going to process these thoughts and that's my big concern as well because we want people to share their experiences and how suicides affected their lives, how men's mental well-being has affected them and the more and more fatigued I get, the more and more I might reflect on it and someone's personal story or family story or something, it might make me think about something that

I perhaps haven't confronted because there's a blurry period.

It was a pretty lonely negative period of my life, but one that I made much worse for myself.

And that's a key part of the messaging is I didn't reach out to the support that was available for me.

I hid how I was feeling.

I lied about how I was doing.

And that was all because I didn't want to let down other people or be a burden or all of these things.

If framed incorrectly, traditionally masculine cliches, I'd say.

But you are a different person now.

Yeah.

But it is a part of me.

And it's made me the person that I am now.

I agree.

I hope so.