Finnegan Timothy O'Malley

I don't understand why sometimes subjects are okay to talk about and sometimes they're not.

Like the size of a woman's vagina.

I was at work the other night and Becky runs in and says, Tasha's in labor.

She's at six centimeters.

And a half hour later, she's like, she's at seven centimeters.

I'm like, man, she's talking about how large this woman's vagina is.

And nine months ago, when I was telling everybody how this soon-to-be single mother's vagina was so tight, I have to go see HR?

That doesn't make any sense.

She will be a single mother because I will not have any more kids.

I've got three, they're disappointing enough.

I have an atheist lesbian daughter and a daughter that dates a Mexican and I don't know what's worse.

The one that's gonna, the godless dyke that's not gonna go to heaven with me or the one that's coming Catholic.

I also have a son and that's my minute.

Because this was closer than Austin.

Okay.

Did you think about... I've been planning on doing a minute at Austin, and this was closer, so I pulled the trigger.

I considered it, but I also like the idea of saying, first time ever.

It is.

I...

I'm a lot cooler in front of a crowd than I thought I would be.