Gabriel Mizrahi

I'm sure it's a lot of things.

Part of that package might also be another feeling or a conflict.

For example, you might feel very gratified and you also might feel a little ashamed.

Like, oh, I feel really good when I can calm my sweetheart down, but I also feel kind of icky that I'm chasing that feeling or that I'm chasing it from him.

Or maybe you're very proud of how you handle these moments, but also maybe there's some anger in there.

Like I'm proud that I can handle this crisis, but I'm furious at my boyfriend for forcing me to.

I think those conflicts are very meaningful.

They contain very rich data about how all of this developed and most importantly, what it is bringing up for you now.

100% and it's not just like how do I know how to win at the game it's almost like why do I know how to play this game already and the answers might start to feel recursive like I want to feel gratified because I like feeling gratified or I want to experience this relief because the chaos is so unpleasant at that point your understanding of your relationship will either become nonsensical and confusing and you will be lost in this chaos again and again or you

you will get to a point where you go, oh, okay, I seem to be operating according to some model.

I seem to be playing out some kind of script that has its own logic, its own urgency, its own mysterious needs.

And so the answer resides, I think, in understanding and acknowledging that script.

And then, and this is crucial,

with more conscious awareness, deciding whether you still want to play it out, whether playing it out truly serves your needs, your goals, your best interests, including, by the way, your safety, which, by the way, I think you're also in the process of getting clear on.

Look, there's an easy take on her story, which is she got together with her mother and her boyfriend got together with the father he didn't have.

Facts.

I'm also confident that there's a lot more to it than that.

But the roots of this dynamic seem fairly clear to me.

This is the dark side of your mom, bro.

This is not news to our friend.