Gemma Speck

I have heaps of evidence that self-love has helped me, but no evidence for you.

And I know that I can continue being all the things I want to be without needing to rely on you.

I know this is such a commonly said phrase, but you cannot hate yourself into loving yourself and you cannot hate yourself into changing.

All of the psychology says it.

All of the motivational psychology, motivational architecture will say the same thing.

The third step is to give the little main voice a name and an identity.

We spoke about this in our Loving Yourself Will Make You More Attractive episode, which is honestly a great companion episode to this one.

If you're enjoying this ep, you can listen to that one after.

And it sounds silly, but giving that voice a name, giving that horrible, nagging, mean voice a name that tells you that you're embarrassing and you don't look great and you're not smart enough, calling it Kevin, calling it Sarah, calling it Brian, whatever, allows you to separate yourself

yourself from the thoughts that you're having.

It's just a thought.

It's not true.

When the thought appears, the self-hating thought, attributing it to something that almost feels outside of you, almost feels like another character that's coming in and interrupting the vibe and like getting in your way, creates cognitive distancing.

It means that you can rationally examine the thought because it doesn't hold as much self-truth as if it was coming from you, all about you, absolutely true.

Instead of fusing with the critical voice and those words that seem to just like appear unconsciously, naming it and giving it an identity just gives you some control.

It gives you enough distance to choose what

whether you want to listen to it, to ask whether this voice is actually yours or whether it is a bully or a panicked younger version of you or a perfectionist teacher or a cruel parent who got in your head way too early for you to have any say in it.

I think something that also helps us have more empathy is to remember that this voice often, the reason it appears is to protect us.

It is trying to keep us safe.

It's trying to encourage us to act in ways that avoid judgment or avoid external criticism.