Gemma Speck

Like there is a reason that as teenagers, when we are insecure, we feel the need to diminish somebody else.

And it means that like every person in this situation feels terrible.

This is why self-hatred can feel so intimate because it starts so, so young.

Someone else's voice, when heard enough times, with enough authority or emotional force can

can stick with us and form part of who we think we are.

Eventually, if this criticism becomes loud enough, it no longer needs somebody else to be present.

We inherently believe that, yes, we aren't that talented.

Yes, we aren't that attractive.

Yes, we aren't that smart.

Yes, we aren't somebody that others want to be around because we're hearing it from maybe a parent.

We're hearing it from teachers.

We're hearing it from peers.

And then something even more complicated happens.

Self-hatred starts to feel useful because it feels so normal.

Sometimes, I don't know, we end up hating ourselves as a form of self-protection.

Thinking that, you know, if I criticize myself enough, if I criticize myself before anybody else can, I get to feel prepared.

If I make fun of myself first, I'm in control of the humiliation instead of waiting.

to be surprised by it.

That is why self-hatred can feel so oddly comforting, because it is familiar, because we take what other people have said about us, we become so normalized and comfortable around it, we begin to feel like, well,

If we do it before them, then we can make this thing useful.