Gemma Speck

This is one of the biggest myths about the inner critic, that if you stopped tearing yourself apart, you would become lazy.

You would become indulgent.

You would become complacent, unambitious.

You would become morally kind of soft.

And there is this kind of cultural admiration for harshness, especially when it is directed inwards, that we actually tend to confuse with discipline.

Like we act like being emotionally brutal with ourselves is evidence that we are willing to push ourselves, that we are willing to push our ego aside.

And therefore, we must be a good person.

We must be a hardworking person.

We must be a worthy person.

psychologically, that makes sense.

And it makes sense why people end up here, end up in this state of just like constant self-loathing without even realizing it.

If you grew up in environments where, you know, your parents were also harsh towards themselves as well, not just towards you or harsh to each other, you know, you also have a higher chance of internalizing self-hatred as a normal part of life.

For example, if you had a mother or a

As a way to force themselves to stick to diets, which I feel like is a lot more common than we realize, and I'm sure a lot of you can relate, your mind then learns that hatred equals motivation and motivation equals progress.

We need hatred to make ourselves do the things and stick to the things that we said we were going to do.

Here's the thing, and this may sound like I'm about to contradict myself, but stick with me.

Self-hatred actually can act as a very potent, immediate motivator initially because it activates the brain's threat response and it uses shame or frustration or rage as a force for change, essentially creating a very high-pressure,

panic-driven need to avoid perceived inadequacy.

So initially, being motivated by self-hatred might actually get you to act, it might actually get you to do certain things, but it has a dual function.

In one way, like, yes, it may get you to the start line, but as soon as you are ready to start or as soon as you are halfway through the race, that self-hatred that you relied upon to motivate you suddenly becomes the thing that is going to make this all about self-punishment and is suddenly going to become the thing that's going to make you feel like you are not capable.