Gordon Flett

But the flip side is the pain of the feeling of not mattering or the fear of becoming someone who doesn't matter.

And then that can be channeled in many different directions, often turned against oneself, but sometimes it's turned against other people.

And, you know, in that case, anything goes because of that sense of not having a concern about the future other than being somebody who's remembered.

But it's a remarkable thing in terms of the intense feeling both for the positive when you feel like you matter...

but everybody knows what it feels like when somebody seems to go out of their way to make you feel like you don't matter.

And if you have a life like that, eventually you can build up the kind of resentment that potentiates many of these acts.

Yeah, exactly.

It's like you're going to say, okay, you know what?

I do matter.

You people were mistaken about me, and you're going to get to think this to remember by, and it's so sad because, you know, innocent people who have nothing to do with this person are lost in the process.

And that just shows you how personal mattering is.

It's something that's modifiable, but it's something that's very, very personal.

And it's not the same as belonging.

Belonging is you have a place at the table.

I say mattering is do they hear your voice when you're at that table or do they ignore you and talk over you at that table?

So it's not the same as belonging.

It's not the same as social support.

It's that core sense of worth in terms of how you feel you're regarded or disregarded or unregarded by other people.

The bottom line is, there's many thousands, millions of people who have this notion of, well, if I am perfect, I will matter to those people.

But it's a very conditional sense of mattering.