Grace Kuhlenschmidt

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It's funny because when Sabrina Breyer was on and we talked about it, she said.

We talk about improv because she was the president of her improv group in college and she told me and she goes, I go, I'm glad how you made sure to tell me you were the president. She goes, you know what's funny is like I joked about it with Caleb and we laughed and we were like, oh, that's so embarrassing, but I am really proud of you guys.

that's exactly what it is of your time because i'm like i think that actually made me me i don't know who i would be without yes anding some of my closest friends i know i'm like i i'm going to take acting classes and stuff this year because i'm going to try to like but i did do theater classes like in high school and i did them in college because those were just like fun ones for me yeah but i love doing it like i had so much fun doing it

I'm glad to hear that.

amazing and i there was a section of my theater class in college that we did which was all improv so we did like a whole unit on improv and like you know they you pick a character and like that's the character you are and i remember we picked one and like my best character was a drunk bitch like i was like a really drunk girl and i and it killed every time yeah i remember every time i did it every time i got a laugh i'd be like fucking got him

Thank you. I find you equally, if not more funny than me, personally. I love saying, I find you equally funny. Equally funny. Just as... No more, no less.

I'm like, I murdered that shit. I'm like, what the fuck? And I did, like, in the theater class, too, we did, like, a unit on, like, more serious stuff, like, plays and all that. And my final for that class was doing a monologue, like, a dramatic monologue. And it had to be at least, like...

two minutes long or something like that and so you had to block it and all that shit and then we performed it on the stage in front of our class at the end of the semester and i did the monologue from fences what's that viola davis and denzel washington okay it's like when she's like well i've been standing with you like that one i did that intense ass scene like it didn't have to be that like it could have been anything like they're like you could do a monologue from pitch perfect you're like fences it is fences it is i'm thinking fences

I'm thinking fences. That's what's calling me. But I had a blast. I love doing it. When did you start doing stand up? Did you start doing it while you were in college or after?

Oh, nice.

Really? Yeah, but I've only done one. Wait, you've done it now? Yeah, but only one. And it was a five.

Yeah.

It's just the babiest five. Like it's... Yeah, but who cares? And he didn't tell me till I got there that Chris Fleming was the other opener. And I was like... Well, thank God I went first. Shit. Obviously, I'd go first. But thank God. Chris Fleming is like. Unbelievably funny. If I could, I would like slice open the top of his head and just look inside. I know.

I literally was playing your clip. I favorited it, actually, when you were on Caleb's and you were talking about being a softball player. You were saying, like, I was so convinced I was straight.

See.

Yeah, obviously, because he's 100.

Well, he and I are built the same, but he's way older than me. Uh, no, I know. That's crazy. I didn't know he went to your college. That would make sense. That makes a lot of sense in my head.

I didn't know they were turning out greats like that at your school. I need to look into Skidmore a little bit more. So when you first started doing it, then how did it go when you first started doing your standup?

And you're literally like, you're like, I know for a fact that's my tribe.

That's honestly tea.

I think that's tea because I I've ran from stand up for a while because I'm. I have told, I've told my team this because my manager's like, please, please, please, please. Um, but like, I feel like, first of all, it's an art form and I love it. I love standup so much. So that's why I'm like, well, I'm not like that.

And if I'm not the best, I'm not doing it. That's like how I feel. I'm like, I'm not going to try if I'm not the best.

um but i feel like it is purely a confidence thing because i've always known i'm funny right i know i'm funny but like that doesn't always translate and i don't want to be one of those guys that like they make comedy videos on youtube and then they start doing stand-up and it's like it's horrible yeah but you already can't be one of those guys because no offense in case you don't know you're not a straight white guy so what already you're gonna be fine

Yeah. Not a single part. When did that come to fruition, you think?

Yeah, they're like blind confidence.

Exactly. They don't have enough people in media to look at and idolize. No, not at all. Not at all. Not at all. this is my favorite question to ask like stand up people who do stand up that are not straight white guys but like have you ever gotten advice from a audience member like after a set

I always like to ask women especially because sometimes when they do lineups or cards with other dudes and they're all older, even if she goes and kills, they'll be like, have a couple notes for you.

Which is crazy. But maybe it's because you're doing better shows.

That's so true. And very, I think, it helps a lot with the experience, I think, when you're trying to get your feet wet. Yeah. Because you're performing in spaces that want you there, but also that understand your humor. Right.

Yeah. And it's, like, we have different POVs, different lives. And it's funny you say that because when I did Caleb's, I explicitly told him I didn't want to advertise that I was going to be there because I was, like, I don't want it to be my fans. Not that I don't think there will be any people who don't like me there. Sure. I want to find out for real if I'm funny. OK, love that.

And I was like, so I'd rather kind of cold plunge it than be like, fill the seats with people who actually love me and they'll laugh at anything I say. I really want to know if I'm funny. And he was like, I admire that about you. That's great. And so I did it in front of his fans, which there's a lot of crossover, but not two. Yeah, of course. And so I think it did pretty well. It didn't go poorly.

Yeah, so I was like, so it went pretty well, and that was exciting. I was going to do another show later on, like much, much later. But then as I got closer to it, I started thinking like, I don't think the crossover of audience is going to mesh well because a lot of my jokes are about white people.

And like if I'm performing to an exclusively cis straight white room, it's not going to hit the same. Even if the jokes are well written, they may not react the same.

you guys chill the fuck out like it's a comedy show like we're meant to laugh and we're not like gonna leave here and be like all right like everybody like there's no like nothing's happening after the show you can go back to your regular life yeah it's like it's escape like for a second yeah and also they're not they're not jokes that are punching down in any way right which is crazy because in the same audience that doesn't react well to a joke like that would laugh really hard at a racist joke or a homophobic joke oh of

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I was like, well, you guys are going to chuckle at that, but you're not going to laugh at mine? All right. I know. Whatever.

And you know what? Clock to your teeth.

Did we ask AARP?

Hey, noted. Thank you.

bullying old people i make old people jokes a lot like especially when i'm like uh with older comics like if we're doing something like i did something with that involved older comics and it was i made a few old people jokes and i honest to god i felt like they were a little like

offended to which i'm and i'll tell you who they are after okay they're like old heads in the comedy circle like they've been around for a long ass time and i was like i made one joke right about you guys right fucking old and all of a sudden i lost the room what it's just you guys yeah and it felt weird because they're all like for real stand-ups i'm just a dickhead on the internet so it's like okay i hate don't do that to yourself i am that's because to me

I know that that never ending debate of that is upsetting to me because I'm like, first of all, you're a comic that started utilizing the Internet. That's a very different thing from being like a sketch comedy creator. Like those are two very different things. Right. Like, I once saw someone write something, because they always associate me, Caleb, and Brittany.

Like, they're always like, oh, the funniest, whatever. I love these episodes. Which is fine. I get it.

Oh, yeah. I love them. I love them. I'm obsessed with them. We were just talking about myself. But someone said, like, oh, I love that the internet, like, has created people like Drew, Caleb, and Brittany. And I said, don't you let Caleb see that comment. He's going to be pissed. Uh-huh. I was born on the Internet. Yes, that is true. Does that mean I wasn't funny till I got on there? No.

But like, obviously, me and Brittany started differently than Caleb. Right. I was like, don't you let him see that coming.

Yeah. Just roasting dudes.

I'm like him in the comedy scene. Yeah, okay, that's fair, that's fair. Because he hates the internet. He hates the internet. He hates the internet.

Speaking of, I know, same. And I agree with you, too, on that point, because it feels like that happens to me sometimes when I go in to do TV things or anything that's not internet-based. It's always like, so you're on TikTok, and I'm like,

but i not obviously i will not all sisters are lesbian you're right um not all older sisters are lesbians but mostly because i always bring up the fact that my sister's a lesbian um and i said that it's the hidden mickey in all my episodes and the fact that almost all my entire team are gay so like you know i love that when i told chapel that she's like i can tell and i was like clocked their tea fast

Actually, this is my stop right here.

Oh, it killed me. Killed me. One time I was somewhere in this, I forget where the fuck I was.

and people were coming up to me like like two or three people came up to me and said they love my stuff and they wanted to take a picture with me and i was like yeah sure and i said hi to them there was this older dude next to me and then like these three people leave and then he goes what are you fucking famous or something he's like i'll take a picture too why the fuck not and i've had that too i've had that too i've had men be like i don't know who the fuck this is and then take a picture with me and i'm like come on dude

you don't need that no and when he said that to me i go no not really oh my god there's nothing like especially older people like explaining it to them is i know is truly i once in an interview got asked like how do you explain to like grandparents what you do for a living and then i go typically that conversation goes um i just make fun of dudes on the internet and then they go they pay you to do that and then i go yep and then that's where it ends

yep they pay me yeah and yep and that's it i was like they have no further questions after that there's nothing else really to talk about after that

dylan mulvaney i i like did a little book signing thing with her i moderated it for her at the grove this past weekend and so like at the end of the day when i was leaving this this woman came up and she was like i fucking love you i fucking love you dude to you or done to me okay that's exactly how she said it and then she walked away and i said thank you and she walked away and then when we walked away my fiancee goes that lady was in

Barnes and Noble. And I was like, Oh, was she at the little talk thing? And he was like, no, she walked by. And I remember because I, I was standing, he was like standing in the back and she walked by and she was like, Oh my God, I fucking love that girl. She's on TikTok again. She has not said my name once. So I know she doesn't know it.

And so she's like, and then she goes, oh my God, I fucking love her. And then someone goes, who? She goes, the girl with the mic, like in the black jacket. Oh my God, she's so funny. And my fiance, she doesn't see him. And so she says that. And then she goes, God, she's like way better looking in person.

oh my god and then my fiance told me that and then she came up to me later and told me i fucking love you and then he tells me that whole story and i'm like nice and i go and you know that was the third time i heard that that day yeah right so i was like right right right right right love that

holy shit i don't know if you ever get things like that from the internet like they yeah of course people who just they say it's almost like all rational thought leaves i think like maybe 10 plus times someone has said to me i love you what's your name again

it's like really like and i'm like grace they're like yes are you sure grace yes i think i love you if you're the girl i'm thinking of sometimes they'll be like oh my god wait i know you wait hold on i know you wait and they're just make they make me stand there and wait while they try to jog their own memory okay which unfortunately i've done that to someone before Was it Shawn Mendes?

ass bitch shit damn yeah travel is like the jealousy in your eyes you want to be guys so fucking bad your brain your body just won't let you the fear of the smells coming from outside exactly from what i got out of my car but that's that's so funny you say that because i had no crushes at all when i was younger like on anyone anyone at all like i had like a few celeb crushes like i was a big jonas brother girl oh

I knew it.

Her being really nice about it. Too sweet. I'm sure this has happened to you, too. I'm really, really bad with, like, knowing. I know the, like, most famous people in the world. Obviously, I have a general understanding. Anything past that, I have no knowledge. I don't know why it doesn't imprint. So, like, any character that. Anyone that's not, like, an Ariana Grande or a Beyonce. Sure.

It's going to take me a while to, like, think of the name. Okay, gotcha. And so, like, we joke because my sister knows and remembers everyone. So, like, when I take her with me to stuff. I rely on her to tell me who is who and where they're from.

And I went to the Elton John after party, like after the Oscars, which is like, that's a dangerous place for me to be when I'm fucked up and I don't remember anything. And there were many people coming up to me and being like, oh my God, I'm such a huge fan. I'm such a huge fan. And then I'd be like, oh my God, thank you.

Like one time I was talking to this girl, I was talking to this woman, she's so nice. And she was like, oh, you literally have made me

so much more confident and like standing up for myself and i was like that's so sweet and she goes and like you know like hating men and then i go period and then she goes well like not hating them like i know like they're not all that i go and i'm because i'm fucked up i'm like girl they're in here fuck them and then she like she giggled and then we laughed about it and then when she walked away decent was like do you know who that is no i still don't remember her name but she is an actress she's in the handmaid's i didn't watch handmaid's tale but it's not natasha leone no

It's not. She's the one with the robot eye. It's not Uzo Aduba? No. I would know her.

Thanks, I guess. Until people don't recognize. Because sometimes I'm like, I don't know who that is. I don't know who that is.

Because everyone is famous. That's so real.

You know? Yo, when I went to the Grammys and I went to the Grammys carpet, they had like a little like, it looked like a queue for a Disneyland ride to go on the carpet and take photos. I'm not kidding. And then I saw Gracie Abrams standing in there. And I laughed. I'm laughing. Why is she waiting in line?

they should be in a golf cart you know i was like making all i was like i really do believe that it's crazy to look down on internet people if they just so happen to get in the door especially because when you're marginalized like it's so much harder to get into entertainment of course that's why a lot of us have utilized the internet right which is a beautiful thing that being said when i was at the elton john after party and i saw all those people in there and a lot of them were coming up and talking to me i started thinking to myself yeah i'd be a little mad at me too okay

So who was your guy? Mine was Nick, which I feel like is the straight sister. Whoever loves Nick is like, well, yeah.

Yeah, you know what? I get it. I empathize a little bit. Because I got in here because I tell men to go fuck themselves or to suck my wiener. And now I'm in the room too. And I'm laughing.

the transition to me doesn't bother me because i'm always like i think they work hand in hand and right it's inevitable to fight it like the marketing at the end of the day but no people do love to be like why the fuck are um you know uh influencers doing red carpet events and it's kind of like well they're there you aren't it was really that simple i know one girl said that to me on one of my carpet videos and i was like well what do you care i'm not taking your seat right

And that's what makes me laugh because I'm like, you guys don't check credentials on anyone unless you recognize them from the internet. You're never, if it's a person you don't recognize and they work for a media outlet, you're never like, do you have a journalism degree? You never do that shit. You only do it because you recognize me and that's different. And I do have one.

No, I feel like the pipeline from Joe.

And I tell people too, I'm like, they invite us because... We draw a crowd, like we draw attention and obviously you're an actor. So like, there's that too. I'm like, you guys, the view of it is so skewed sometimes of like influencers there. That being said, I do understand why, how some influencers act. I get why you don't like them. Right.

And I was like, I think it's fair to say, though, that there are bad apples in every bunch, not just influencers. Yeah. That's not an influencer specific problem. It's just easier to pick at them because they're more accessible than a celebrity, which is why I'm always like true talent.

Like I was like, if you guys only knew, like when they invite us to shit like that, I don't walk when Ariana Grande walks. Right.

i walk at 12 noon right and then i sit totally you're there for like 10 hours i'm there for nine and a half hours she just got here and i don't go to the show i'm not kidding i do carpet and i leave yeah i like i literally walk home like yeah you spend three grand of your own money on like random things for the day you're like this is a loss for me yeah

No, because lesbians love Joe Jonas. It's always Joe or they don't want to pick any of them, so they pick Kevin. That's kind of, I think, that pipeline that goes that way.

i'm in the red for sure but that's not the point and that's what makes me laugh because i'm like i especially when i did what carpet was it the grammys i had to walk what could only be described as fucking the trek up mount everest i had to walk two miles in a corset bitch i was walking and i had like a tote bag and a bunch of a bunch of my other shit and i'm vaping the whole way while i'm going there i'm like surely this will make it easier to breathe

it's my oxygen tighten my corset and give me another fucking vase and i was like that's literally what i'm doing as i'm as i'm getting there and then they're like can't believe you get to stand there too trust me when i say it's not nearly as you're like you you you weren't standing the corset was keeping you up I know, girl. I felt like Elizabeth Swann in that shit. It was so bad.

I've been to Golden Globes, Grammys, SAG Awards, and the Oscars. And I know this.

What again? That's TV and film, I think. Okay, got it. Me asking like I don't know.

Honestly, I had the most fun at SAG, the SAG Awards.

Yeah, that one was a lot more fun. That's the most recent one that you went to? No, the Oscars is the most recent one I went to.

Yes. Okay. So the Grammys are cool too. The Grammys are fun too. But like SAG, I feel like is different because my theory is because they vote for each other. It's like less pressure. So they're, they're having more fun. Like they're more relaxed. It's not like being controlled by the Academy or anything. So it's like, it's almost like they're, that's like their fun one.

keep you smelling fresh for 24 hours you've got your reasons billy's got your routine shop in store and at mybilly.com i had to walk two miles in a corset bitch i was walking and i had like a tote bag and a bunch of a bunch of my other shit and i'm vaping the whole way while i'm going there i'm like surely this will make it easier to breathe it's my oxygen tighten my corset and give me another fucking vape

Like, and it's also the second to last one. So they're like, it's like the last lap on a marathon.

god poop in the pants bloody nipples they're like just get it over let's just finish i just want to finish so i feel like sag was the most fun because they were the most relaxed and it gave me a better energy right but like globes was stressful as fuck and i feel like because that's the first one of yeah and it's tv and film it's double the things it's simply mathematically double the thing have you ever had like a weird or embarrassing carpet experience

Yes, I was. I was very proud. I was so proud, in fact, that I did a home ec...

Was she in something?

like kind of unit once in middle school I think it was in eighth grade and we had to do flower babies right like okay like a 10 pound sack of flour and we had to like carry it around like it was a baby we had to dress it name it all of that and so we got to pick our marital status like out of a bowl and I really wanted to be single because I wanted to control all of it like I was like I want to name my kid I want to like

Thank you.

So exciting.

Hey, that's sick though.

Right. Words escaped you at that moment.

Yeah, that haunts me.

If I were you, I would tell people she was thanking you personally for enhancing the experience of The Daily Show. Yeah. That's what I would do if I were you. I think so. I'd take full credit for it. I think so. And who's going to correct you? Jane Lynch, please. I don't know. Well, then maybe she should come hang out with you and then she can correct you.

Slanderous and libel. It's funny because thinking about that, when I was at the Grammys, this woman who I have met about three or four times. And the only reason I hold... I already know where this is going. For me personally, I can't hold that against you because I can forget, right? Sure.

But, like, the reason why I do kind of hold it against her is because we were represented by the same PR company for, like, two years. So we saw each other often and met frequently and shared a publicist. So, like, I knew she was, and she obviously, she's like a...

reality person yeah and um i'm like okay whatever i have no like ill will towards her i saw her at this grammy's carpet and like again she's seen me at other events has never said anything to me i'm not no skin off my nose that's fine right but then she she made it a point to come up to me okay like oh my god how are you doesn't say my name because i know she doesn't know it

And I was like, super like, like a lot about you probably. Right. Me being neurotic. And of course I got married and I got married to this kid in my class. And I remember his name was Freddie. And I was like, Freddie, listen to me. Um, this is what's going to happen next. This baby is named after Nick Jonas. If you have any questions about that, you let me know.

But I'm sure she's registering my face to some extent. And I go, I'm great. How are you? I said, congrats on everything. And I can't say what it was because she was just recently on a show. But I was like, congrats on that, whatever. She's like, thank you so much. Congrats on your movie.

i'm not in a movie and i haven't been in a movie so like she goes and she says that to the point where like because she's saying it across so it's like other people are looking and then i i'm like what am i gonna do so then i just go thank you and she goes god i'm so happy for you all your success the movie congrats and she walks away oh my god i'm not in a movie I haven't been in one.

And I was like- That is fucking awesome. And then I started thinking, okay, she recognizes me from the many times we've met, but doesn't know my name. That's fine.

And she thinks I'm Tiffany Chalamet. That girl's in Dune.

Conclave.

dude that's why i'm like when she said it she kept saying movie movie this and then i was like oh she has no clue who the fuck i am okay damn and i quite possibly unless you think i'm the rock i don't know who you could confuse me with it's like i don't look like that you were the rock yeah that's and that i would laugh if she really didn't think that you'd get a giggle out of me honestly Damn.

I'd love to know how your experience on The Daily Show has been though.

Yeah.

That's so cool, though.

Has the writing for that changed? Like, is the experience different than writing for stand-up or writing for yourself? For sure.

Flex on these hoes.

And he was like, I don't care. So I named the baby.

It's true. I had never thought about that until Kayla painted it to me that way. Yeah, fully is. Yeah.

unbelievable amount of takes yeah with like the smallest changes each time and i'm like oh damn i'm a fucked up director man i'm my worst nightmare that's so that's really cool too especially because how's the experience filming it like filming after midnight or after midnight i said that was on my brain filming the daily show um when you're like in studio like how is that experience

Because when I did studio television like that, it was completely different than anything I've ever done, which is kind of interesting.

i seriously like you can tell anyone that anyone else's dad's sperm donor i don't give a fuck he's like that baby doesn't even look like me so nice try and honestly i named it nicholas jerry jonas that's literally what i named it is jerry nick jonas's real middle name yes it is really yeah and i would know because i was obsessed with him right right right but other than like him and i think i had a thing for corbin blue too well that makes perfect sense

Really? I didn't know they don't do takes again or anything like that.

Wouldn't be surprised.

Because of that one experience on the set of The Daily Show.

What's been, like, have you ever said a joke, like, that was pre-written or whatever, and it got, like, no laugh at all, and then you kind of tweaked it, improvised it, anything like that? Or do you kind of just make peace with it?

Yeah, huh. It's like the same people that go watch The Tonight Show or anything.

That's true. That is true. And you know what? I will say is what I did after midnight recently as like a panelist person. That's Taylor Tomlinson's show? Cool. And so the experience was really fun. Like I had a blast doing it. And it was like, it's like mostly improv music. Or no, it's mostly written, but you do it beforehand, and then you do it with a writer or whatever.

But I did make a joke, because there was a bit where we were talking about dogs, and we were saying if we thought they were good or bad and why. And we just naturally started appealing as if we were their lawyers. And so one of them, I was like, This is a cop dog. Uh-huh. Case closed. Guilty. Fuck cops, right? Like, that's the joke, right? I got, like, maybe a couple laughs.

And then I think to myself, and this was early on in the show, so it was probably, like, 20 minutes in. And when I made that joke, I go, oh, big cop lovers in this audience? Good. And everyone started laughing, and I go, oh, After Midnight backs the blue. My fucking bad. And they cut that joke, but it was funny. No.

those other than those two the same kind of like cuteness hotness combo right don't you think yeah and i'm like a long hair girl i figured that out later in life but like i love long hair on a man and i felt like they had the longest hair i could see at the time on disney channel that was like whoa they had to come in every day and get like two snips

right wendy's what the fuck well maybe this is a different cut maybe they're sending me another edit so i would love to know who are your comedy like idols like who are people that you really looked up to in the in that world um chelsea peretti has my favorite stand-up special love i feel like as a stand-up people like ask like what's you know what specials do you watch and i'm like

I don't know if anyone knows that.

Is there anything that you're looking, like, would be a dream of yours in terms of, like, achieving or doing or being a part of in the terms of entertainment, whether it's a movie, show?

The episode of them when they take Molly and go to the baby shower. It's unbelievable. It brought me to tears. I was laughing so hard it brought me to tears.

No, actually, no. Oh, really? Not at the time, no. That's probably rare. I think so. Asking me now? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Asking me then? No.

They're like, it's looking a little fucking girly. That long of a hair is for girls. So go ahead and tighten that up. Exactly. But I had no crushes. And my sister had a crush on everyone. Every man possible. To the point where sometimes I was like, what are you talking about?

That's really sweet.

Yeah, do some more research about their culture.

Not enough, to be honest. No, not at all. Not enough at all. When I was on After Midnight, there was like, they showed this clip of Luca,

what's his name right right and he was saying all the best movies in the world are gay uh-huh and i was like okay t coming from him t and then we had to say a movie that we thought was super gay that like nobody talks about yeah mine was fight club oh you're right though easy you're right i was like all a bunch of naked men keeping a secret i know

I literally saw, I watched a Family Guy episode probably like two days ago that is purely just about Top Gun. It's like them making fun of Top Gun. And it's so funny. But in my head, I was like, I have never watched these movies ever. But if this is really what they're about, that's insane.

But just like, I'm...

like i've never seen a more like this is not for me kind of like it's like there are certain pieces of media like you were saying about male stand-ups like there are pieces of media that i don't ever need to see right because i've seen who loves it and i'm good right that's how i feel about it right like something like like top gun i'm like i don't ever i don't ever need to watch right

I'm okay. Never seeing it. Right. That's all right. Yeah. And I, and I think to myself, no, the heat starring Melissa McCarthy. That's a movie that I will, I will promote till there is no more. It's really funny. I'm so glad you've seen it because I have come to find out that a lot of people have never seen that movie.

And like, if I were to say like a dream movie of me, it would be a buddy comedy like that. You'd be so good. We should do one together.

Yeah. Like as,

the heat part two i'm dying to see this is a kiki palmer movie oh yes yes one of them days i watched it fuck i want and it's so cool because i i i figured too because have you ever seen the friday movies the what movies friday the movies okay so there's friday and then there's like friday after next like okay those movie the movie one of them days is like loosely based off like okay because that was two men like starting two men and this and there's a whole lot of lore and history behind that movie and it's fucking so funny

But one of them days is kind of a similar thread line. Amazing. But I love a silly ass movie. I know.

Even when I interviewed Quinta at the Golden Globes, I asked her, like, what do you want to see more of in TV and film? And she was like, honestly, silliness. Like, I want to see people being funny for the sake of being funny. Right. And not, like, in a way that's harmful. No. Or hurtful to anyone. No.

Yeah.

That's actually a really great segue into our new segment, Grace, that we have today, which is sponsored by Netflix. Everyone say, thank you, Netflix. Thanks, Netflix. Thank you, Netflix. OK, so there is a new Netflix movie coming out soon called The Life List. And it's about a young woman who is sent on a quest by her late mother to complete her teenage life list.

So in the spirit of the life list, we're going to talk about our own kind of bucket list. I want to know what you used to have on your bucket list that you've already checked off and what you still want to accomplish that you haven't quite crossed out yet.

You had to have someone.

Okay, what's on my bucket list that I need to do? Yeah, like what's something you've crossed off already and something you want to cross off if you've already crossed anything off?

I would say yes.

Right.

Like the, as far as like when it gets all.

Right.

Where are you getting these pans?

So perfect. So you bought a bed frame, need to buy pans.

That's my culture. It's not the same thing.

Yeah, you're right.

I hope you are wrong because that's so funny. I don't know if you are, but I hope you are. What about you, Drew? Oh, what's on my life list? Yes, I've been fucking dying to ask you, girl. That's right. That's been burning at the back of your tongue, I bet. I would say something I've already crossed off that I really wanted to do.

That was at the very top. Lifeless, crossed. I would say I wanted to retire my parents. So I did.

love that god damn and i also coolest thing you could have ever said and i also bought a bed frame so that was also on mine all right now you're like flexing something i would like wow off doing a buddy comedy with you yeah we got to make that happen right now netflix is on the hook now they have to do it because this is sponsored by netflix right sorry

the way it goes kind of a binding contract that you guys signed that i sent over yeah sorry about that get a better team good answers i would say and also if you guys are interested in watching the life list it is starring sophia carson connie britain and kyle allen and the life list premieres only on netflix march 28th grace and i are going to be tuned in yes we are love you connie

Connie Britton? Yes. I love that. Were you a Friday Night Lights girl? Nashville. Oh, nice, nice, nice. Did you ever watch that show? No, but was Hayden Panettiere in that show for a while? Yeah. Okay. I thought so. I thought I recognized the name from her and Connie Britton.

I once saw a Family Guy joke about Connie Britton that said, like, the joke was literally that her hair is so perfect it looks edible. That was the only joke. That's a really good point. It does. She woke up and he was eating her hair. You could kind of like carve it off and place it on top of ice cream. Is it cake?

Yeah. That's not a question I think I feel comfortable answering. Totally.

You know what's funny is, Caleb once told me that he thinks Family Guy is one of the funniest...

tv comedies i've ever written and i in that moment had never felt more validated in my entire fucking life yeah i actually just thought of something else that has nothing to do with what we're talking about um that i need to bring up to you because i was i saw your vlog yesterday that you posted and it was so funny thank

but I was like went on your page to show my fiance because I wanted to show him your vlog and then I found I saw this picture of you uh-huh where you said it's Garnier right yep so you were Eric Garnier for Halloween in 2006 yep no one here is gonna know who that is right but my fiance thought this was the funniest thing he has ever seen no I have never had more um like I've never had more dms and comments from straight men than the day that I posted that

is is your fiance also from southern california yes like is he a dodgers fan growing up no he wasn't a dodgers but he just knows he loves he loved baseball but he was a big baseball he knows about all sports no i seriously was like oh my god if that was straight i would have fucking gotten laid the day i posted that no and he was saying like he he was telling me his whole lore like about eric gagne first i said eric gagney and he goes and then he goes it's gagne and i go well

my french canadian you're fucking idiot oh he's like he's a canadian dude throws like 100 miles an hour yeah and he was like he was like that's the funniest costume i've ever seen then i opened the comments i see caleb in there and i was like i should have fucking known i know that's like the straightest part of caleb he's a straight guy in disguise yeah like i was gonna say that's the straightest he's gay for pay for real

He's queerbaiting. Yes. That's what he's been doing.

And he's good. And he didn't call. No. And that's pissing me off. And yeah, I'm personally offended by it. I wanted to bring up the Eric Gagne thing because my fiance was like, that's the funniest costume I've ever seen.

I was like, sure. Right? Yeah. It's almost like living in ignorance. Yeah.

the hell yeah it must really mean something he said do you mind saying that again for me for the record i just want to make sure god tell him i love him i will i promise i will special i sent it to his brother because his brother's a big baseball fan too and he also thought it was the funniest thing ever

It's also so funny you say that because when I was in fifth grade, so I was 10, when I had to do like a, we had to do a report on someone we admired from history. That's a narrative context.

um and i picked king george the third and i was the only woman who the only girl who chose to be a boy and you get to dress up yeah and i had to dress up in drag i'm fully in drag yep i had a wig and everything yeah and like i dressed like a royal and i my mom like stayed up with me late that night like helping me make my costume but my teacher called my mom and was like i feel like maybe she should pick somebody else like you know

Yeah. It just made it. You're like, oh. And the piece is kind of... That's kind of how it is when we... When my sister and I laugh about it now because... There were no real signs outside of her having a million crushes on only men. Right. So sad that's the gayest thing you can do.

like kind of like concerned about me because he's one of the worst british monarchs in history and like truly was so terrible and i was like that's my fucking guy i remember i dress i was so excited to wear my costume to school mind you when i'm 10 i'm 5'4 so it's even more horrifying and so like i go fully that's one inch shorter than me right now Powdered wig. All that shit. Yeah.

Like I had like my mom, I remember had like a tiki torch from our backyard and she covered the whole thing in foil. So it looked like a scepter because I was five, four, almost taller than the tiki torch. That's weird. And I'm like holding it. And I remember the first day we came to school in the costumes.

we all like all fifth graders went in the library and then they were like, oh, if anyone wants to do their monologue now, you get extra credit. And especially if you have an accent and you do the accent. Bitch, I was first. I was like, oh, I know what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah, I sound like Dick Van Dyke. For real. And I literally was like,

what you've done for your daughter is unbelievable she's she weren't you weren't listening i was telling her about king george the third and she was like me trying to talk to your mom and your her headphones are on i'm like you have raised the most beautiful daughter no there is something so beautiful about fostering that kind of creativity and being like my kid's gonna look so dumb

They're like, okay, if you wanna do that.

I know, and my mom was like, I mean, if she wants to do it, let her do it. It's not against the rules, right? So fun. And I was like, I was the only one in drag. I was a drag king that day. And I left on top that day. And there were many Halloweens where my mom was like, are you sure? And I was like, yeah. Like I wanted to be, I could have been Trinity, but I wanted to be Neo from Matrix.

Oh my God. And ask me, have I ever seen the Matrix? No. I just saw the costume and I thought it was sick. And then I told my mom, no, I want to be the guy. And she was like, why? And she's like, you could be the girl. And I was like, I understand that. I want to be Neo.

Yeah. And then I went to a party and I, at that point I was probably like eight and I went dressed as Neo, uh, to the party. I had like latex, everything on the glasses. My mom's like all my hair back, like Keanu Reeves. I'm walking around the party and only the adults are like, that's fucking sick. Like only the adults are like, are you supposed to be Neo?

And I'm like, yeah, they're like, Oh, that's so sick. Oh,

my god that is cool it's fun though that's why that's how i feel about your eric do you still like dress up for halloween and stuff you go hard i love i lost it you did that sparkle you lost your sparkle yeah i did i don't know where it went you know what's sad crossing something off the life list will probably bring back your sparkle you're right you're right i need to buy some pots and pans

Otherwise.

That's the real gay agenda. What I would laugh about then now when I look back is that my sister really, really loved the movie Lemonade Mouth. And objectively speaking, that movie is terrible. That movie is like, is Demi Lovato in it? No, Hayley Kiyoko's in it.

You're right. Well, we did roll back DEI here, so that's probably why I don't care. That's probably why I don't give a fuck. It says you were a catcher on your high school softball team. Sure was.

That was one of my favorite clips from Caleb's podcast of yours when you said, you're on the fence. Like, let's go, girls.

Be careful. They might find out I'm lying.

they almost found out literally uh it also says you once convinced phoebe bridgers to sing a duet of monster by sean mendez and justin bieber with her on a college zoom comedy show yeah and that video is public and it's not gone viral

They're like, well, now that someone else showed it to me, it is actually pretty funny.

Was it hard to convince Phoebe Bridgers?

Not hard enough.

OK.

so you know um and i remember because like she doesn't really like musicals and there's a lot of music in that movie the movie itself objectively is terrible like the storyline makes no sense but hayley kyoko was new on the scene yep and i remember she wanted to watch it so often and at one point i genuinely remember looking at her and going why do you like this movie so much

And how did the duet go? Did it go over well?

I was going to say, imagine you're like.

No, this was my time to shine.

i don't even know what song that is it's really good and there's a music video i don't even need to watch it i'm just gonna watch your version yeah just watch i'll send it to you that's the only really good that's the only version i need to be quite honest with you i like that you took that real guys are we doing this for real yeah yeah i'm like if you're not gonna show up you're not gonna get that 200 bucks

No call, no show, no payment. That's how it works. Okay, it says you were in college improv group called Skidomedy.

Did you pick that name?

That's a legacy name. Yes. In the Chris Fleming College. Exactly. The college you and Chris Fleming went to. And then lastly, it says in third grade, she won Creative Writer Award. And then there's a picture of

You look really upset.

They're holding your family hostage on the other side of the camera.

I've given you everything you've asked for. I won the award.

I can't believe you didn't put this on your life list.

It says in third grade. Third grade. In Miss Williams class.

Miss Williams class.

Yeah. Shout out. Shout out fucking Miss Williams.

And then you go, and you're her. And then you pull it up and you're Phoebe Bridgers. Yeah, exactly.

Okay, to kind of wrap us up, I would love to know if you have any advice for anyone who's, like, looking to pursue, whether it's comedy or acting or both at all. Like, if you have any advice for them in terms of pursuing it as a job.

Do you have something you want to tell me? And I truly, I had no concept of that. Like, I was literally just like, what is it with you and this? And she literally was like, I don't know. I just think it's good. That's what she would always tell me. And I'm like, you're a liar.

so unbelievably funny my sister and i have loved your videos for a while so i'm glad we're finally meeting same but i do think your sister also crazy funny right yeah exactly and gay you guys have that in common what the fuck stay out my lane She's coming for your fucking gig.

I feel like I want to say too, like something I love about your comedy is that it's so, it doesn't hurt anyone, but it is so unbelievably funny. Thank you. Like that's how I feel about like EJ Marcus too. The way that you're able to create something hilarious out of the silliest, most minute things is a skill and a talent. And I just want to commend you for that.

And I'm so happy that you're like finally getting a lot of the recognition that you deserve. I appreciate it. Yeah, I think you're so talented.

Shout out Skidmore, you know?

Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you. I think you're fucking hilarious. I love you. I love you. I love you. That's my first time saying it. I just got a little chill down my spine. Thanks for having me. This fucking rocked. Oh, my God. I love you. I think you're amazing. And thank you all so much for tuning in to this episode of the Comment Section Show.

Thank you so much to my amazing guest, Grace. Where can everybody find you?

Period. The end. On The Daily Show.

On The Daily Show. On TV, in music, whatever. In your dad's fucking bed. Yeah, yeah.

Well, thank you all so much for tuning into this episode. Don't forget, new episodes drop every Wednesday. You can stream the audio on all streaming platforms with the video list for free and exclusively on our favorite platform, Spotify. Thank you all so much for tuning in and I'll see you next week. Bye.

Say it. I have, like, that interrogation lighting on her. Do you have something you want to say to me? That's why I... Looking back, it's hilarious. So, Lemonade Mouth.

Yes.

Like, onto the scene. Yeah.

It was, like, that movie. And then she became, like... I think she was a side character in, like, Wizards of Waverly Place. Which, like, her character in that...

I think it was the Washington Post that wrote this. No, I actually did see that, too. And it would make a lot of sense. So that's the only thing I remember her from is from Lemonade Mouth. And then she did that. And then I'm sure she did other things, too. But now she does music, obviously. But looking back. Makes a lot of sense.

It's pretty hard left. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then it's like all it's all the pieces fall to like in place when I look at it in that lens. I'm like. Yeah, that does make sense. But then I think that's why I thought maybe that might be the case for me because I never had crushes. But it wasn't because I didn't find men attractive. It's just, like, they genuinely enrage me.

And even now. And, like, recently I was talking to my – I was actually talking to my fiance about this first. And then I was telling my sister about it. But I was, like, sometimes when men, like, specifically – a very specific kind of, like, cis straight man. Yeah. When they want to be sexy, like, they want to be perceived as sexy –

Hey, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the Comment Section Show starring me, your fave. Everybody knows me who cares about me. On to the guests. Today we have the iconic, the hilarious, the unbelievable Grace Kulinschmidt. Woo! Woo! Keep going. Yeah, right. I jerk everybody off.

it incites a rage in me that is borderline tangible like and i'm i'm so serious i feel like a bad person like i feel like i sometimes i'm i'm so serious i brought it up in therapy because i was like sometimes i think something's wrong with me but that's why nick jonas was an easy crush to have because he never tried to be sexy he just had diabetes right

I initially, I've talked about it and this is like kind of a bummer, but I wasn't as receptive as I wished I was, but not because I thought it was gross. It's just like, I couldn't believe she didn't tell me because when she did tell me she was like fully in a relationship with someone already. And every week she was at college, I was like, are you dating anyone? Are you talking to anyone?

Like constantly I was asking her and she's always like, nope, nope, nope. And then she was living this whole other life.

Right. And I'm glad she did. And we joke about it now because I got into the same school she went to. She went to U of O, the University of Oregon. And I got into that school too. And my mom was like, oh, you guys could go to the same school. And I was like, I think I want to go to a different school. And we both kind of were like, we should go to separate colleges so we can grow and all that.

And she tells me when I was entertaining it, she was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Because she's living a double life.

She's being Hannah Montana. So when she did come out to me, initially I didn't handle it the way I wish I did. But then obviously I was like, I am a dumbass. I don't care. I don't care at all. I'm happy for you. I'm happy you're happy. And so after that, it was fine. We were totally fine after that.

it's funny too because like even like the way like my dad found out like my dad was like i don't care just do good in school yeah yeah yeah i don't care about that right just do good in school see then that's actually beautiful that is all that matters right at the end of the day so i did poorly in school so damn you're looking at a double whammy then so actually fuck

should i call my dad i do i do want to ask you like what were did you always want to be in comedy and entertainment did you always want to do that or did um find it like i went into college

He's like, you're a wildcat. I can sense that about you.

Of him? Yes.

Stunning, gorgeous, amazing.

Neuroscience bad grades?

Never been done before.

You said you're trying to change the subject. And that's. Yeah.

Yeah. So.

Were you thinking maybe you're like, maybe I'm like Goodwill hunting. And I just like.

I love the undying confidence of like, well, obviously brain surgeon.

I'm so happy to have you.

Like I need to study thorough pathways.

Honored and shocked, why?

I'm a liberal arts girl to my core, you know what I'm saying? Like, I was like, math, science, fuck that shit. Right, right, right. And I remember when I was in college, like, when I first met with my advisor, like, my freshman year, I'm a Virgo to my fucking core. Like, I'm so neurotic, it's insane. I was literally, I never ditched a class in time.

Oh, my God. And it was the end of my senior year. And it was purely because I just didn't have to go if I didn't want to.

And then my sister was like, I've been ditching the entire time. And I go, what the fuck? I've been following the goddamn rules. And you've been doing that. Granted, I was getting fucked up when I was underage. Do as I say, not as I do. Right. But, like, I was super into school. I just loved going to school. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Ronnie. So far, it's been a pretty underwhelming performance by both hosts. There is one major upset to report. I'm very upset I had to witness this. But now I'd like to give everyone an update on the NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament. Thanks, Grace.

Thanks, Ronnie. Looking at the numbers, we had three swear words, 17 dick jokes, and two men wasting what little life they have left. And now, a quick update on the women's bracket. Thank you.

That's fair, that makes sense actually.

So basically with this election, what you're saying is that Kamala's chart just looks more powerful than Donald Trump's?

Is astrology real?

The stars had made a clear prediction for the election, but what could they predict about something that really mattered, like me?

I'm going to be polluting.

This changes everything. I mean, are you gonna tell my girlfriend or am I?

But I'll be wealthy.

There you have it. But with both the stars and history predicting the future, do we even need to vote?

So I have to vote.

You're such a Leo. I'm not a Leo. I'm a Taurus. Let's cut that part out. Last time I was in Washington, D.C. was just two months ago, which feels like a lifetime. I was so young and naive looking for answers. What is your prediction for this election in 2024? And Alan Lichtman gave them to me.

Josh's typical day as an eco-warrior starts with cardio, going up 11 flights of stairs with his solar panels. His heavy, heavy solar panels. By the way, you know we're like breathing out carbon right now?

But Alan Lichtman was wrong.

Alan. I seriously trusted you.

No, no, it's not your time to talk yet. I seriously trusted you. And I thought that what you told me was the truth.

You didn't tell me that you were a human being and that you might be wrong.

Did you even notice I got a haircut?

I agree. It really frames my face. If only Alan's political judgment was as good as his taste in haircuts, but it wasn't, and I needed to know why. What are some of your excuses?

See, yeah, I knew that was stupid and I was going to tell you, but I didn't want a woman's plans.

I wish you had told me that the first time. Could have maybe thrown that in there. And to be fair, Allen wasn't the only thought leader who got this prediction wrong. Have you talked to Charlie XCX about this or anything?

Charlie XCX.

Charlie XCX.

Yeah. She said that Kamala is brat. And it just, at this point, I'm kind of thinking perhaps Trump was more brat.

Yeah. But you and her have not spoken.

I was secretly glad they hadn't spoken because that would make me crazy jealous, which is an issue I'd been working on with my therapist. But did Alan have any regrets of his own? Are you thinking, why did I ever get into politics? Why didn't I, you know, just stick to modeling or something?

I'll be right up there, man. Just give me like one second. Luckily, I was able to find a TaskRabbit to go up the remaining 10 flights of stairs.

I one time was in an Uber, and there was an iPad on the back of the seat. And it said, what sound does a dog make? And bark was right there. I clicked moo. But lucky for me, it's not my job. And so it really had no impact on my life.

Please.

Wow. Yeah.

You know what, Alan? I forgive you. And I hope that we're back here in four years.

And I hope you're right that time.

I think Charlie XCX said that.

I think Charlie XCX said that.

The world is up in arms about social media companies being run by Trump-aligned billionaires. But are they mad enough to get off the apps? Let's put this on TikTok and find out.

And it's not just about saving energy. Josh has also been living packaging-free for a decade. Americans throw away 268 million tons of trash per year, which is enough to feed 10 rats. But Josh says there's a better way.

You guys are so pissed.

You're, like, about to punch me. Calm down.

He really likes you. What apps are you mostly on? Instagram and TikTok, definitely. Okay, gotcha.

I'm on Instagram and Snapchat. Okay. Instagram and...

you're on X. So if you mostly use Instagram, at what point would you be like, okay, I have to get off this app?

So if it's like an amazing one pot pasta recipe, you're like, it's actually fine that this is being monetized to Trump. Yeah, I don't... Do you think you'd be willing to pick an app and delete one with me today? We don't even need social media when we have books like this. Like, I'll read just a little. Okay, I won't bore you. Tuesday, mixed berries and chia seeds.

Wednesday, honey and Greek yogurt. So what would it take you to delete the app?

Instagram? Oh, I mean, I deleted it last week. I'll probably delete it again. We don't need it. But you do say you keep redownloading it.

I do. So what do you think Mark Zuckerberg could do to make you kind of kick it out? I don't know.

He's probably already done enough. Yeah. We probably should delete the app. Do you guys want to do it? Right now? Wait. I saw this post that was like, people get FOMO from not being on social media, but then they get FOMO from real life. from being on social media.

Oh, facts.

Is that really meta?

No, I get it. I need to go back to school. That went so over my head. All right, I'll delete with you.

Yeah, we'll do it together.

I'm going to delete. Airbnb. I don't know if it doesn't count, but for the sake of this. I mean, here, you can choose one.

No, go with Airbnb. And stop renting little houses. We'll delete it after one, okay? Okay, so three, two, one, delete.

You don't understand the addiction.

You don't understand I'm addicted. We were doing this together. I'm addicted to it. And I can't get off. Cut the cameras. Wow, I really got people to change their minds and delete these apps and divest from billionaires. So go ahead and like, follow, and subscribe for more.

Do you mind if I give this to you?

Okay.

This isn't reusable?

So 500 years, someone will be using it. Maybe my great-great-granddaughter.

You have quite the imagination. Josh also uses that imagination in the kitchen.

It's like really fragrant.

This way of life seemed really difficult. How was Josh keeping himself going?

Totally. You seem very joyful.

Right. That's usually what I'm saying to myself.

That's exactly how I think. It's like you're reading my brain.

When you hear off the grid, you probably think of living in a cute cottage in the woods like Ted Kaczynski. But you don't have to venture way the into the wilderness to live like Ted. Meet Josh Spodek, astrophysicist, NYU professor, and real life Captain Planet.

Okay.

And I'll quote Abraham Lincoln. God bless America. He said that a lot.

Wow. Josh had inspired me. And I was ready to make a difference, too. Going a full 24 hours living life Spodek style. This is a day in my life with zero electricity and zero waste. I start my day by waking up. Whoops. No electricity means no lights. Luckily, my toxic roommate isn't home, so I'm using her food to make my famous green glow smoothie.

I start with bananas, some beautiful organic kale, one scoop of collagen, and then... Next up, a trip to Precycle, a packaging-free store where you bring your own containers. Good thing I always travel with my Tupperwares. Josh, if you're watching, check it out. Man, I'm really doing this. Hello. So these are oats right here. And then last but not least, these are the flour.

You can probably just weigh my whole hand just to make it a little bit easier.

Oh my God, I did it. That was only 90 minutes. me.

1%?

You said you had 5% 10 minutes ago. you. OK. All good, bro. All good. Just me here with my thoughts. That's chill. I know what to do. Sadly, I didn't make it. But you know what I did make? A difference. And that's something they can never take away from me. America's democracy may not be the strongest, but at least it's the oldest. There seems to be some sort of gerontocracy.

We have the oldest leaders among rich countries. And we love all of them. Joe Biden, Donald Trump, this guy. But are there drawbacks to having our leadership with one foot in heaven? I spoke to Mark Fisher, Neuropolitics Researcher at UC Irvine.

What am I gonna have for freaking lunch? I'm president of the United States. What the heck am I gonna have for lunch? That's a hard decision. And I hope that I have a burger for lunch. I guess I've had this freaky misconception that old people are wiser and smarter than me. And it feels like what you're telling me is that that's not true and I should never trust them.

So even though you have more experiences, you are still getting dumber.

All right. I'll say it then.

So having a bunch of old brains in charge might be a bit of a problem, but this wise old neurologist actually has a solution.

Okay, twin, I also only take out my trash once a year. But recently, Josh went even further, taking his Manhattan apartment off the electrical grid completely. So what is your problem with electricity? Did it kill your family? Or did it because I'm now realizing that's kind of something that could happen?

Unsurprisingly, Trump says he aced his cognitive test already.

I mean, those aren't hard things to remember, right? Person, mama, dad.

And you have to look at someone's personality. I mean, I have a really good personality.

Thank you.

It doesn't need to be. Without seeing his test results, we can only guess how well, or not well, Trump's brain is doing. But it did make me curious. Could my brain be president? My name, Grace. My date of birth, June 30th, 1995.

Okay, God, I would like to be scored on those two, actually, if possible, because I think I got them right. Do you have more difficulties doing everyday activities due to thinking problems? No, I have almost nothing to do on a daily basis. At the bottom of the very last page, write, I have finished on the blank line provided.

Got it. This one is so easy. Can I call my mom to just double check? Last question.

Sir. Did I pass? Let's hear it, brother. Come on. Come on.

Woo! Let's go! Now, if only someone could go to Washington and get our elected leaders to take this test. OK, fine. I'll do it. Hello.

You too. My name's Grace.

I'm looking for a congressperson.

So who does, like, your Botox or your work? You look incredible.

Yes, most junior congressperson Maxwell Frost is the only person who would talk to me for this story. So how would you feel about having a cognitive test required for politicians?

Okay, why not? You worried you'd fail, dude?

For example, I could show you one.

What are these?

Congratulations, sir! You get to keep your position. They told me that if you screwed this up, that this office would be mine.

Yeah, of course. In this baby politician's view, the issue with politics isn't old brains. It's the lack of young ones.

So you're not ageist?

When do you feel like you would retire?

Do you think if you stay in Congress for 34 years, you'll be able to bring Congress to term limits?

So it's not hopeless. We just need our young politicians to stick around until they'll be able to change the system, however long it takes. You know what? I think I'll vote for you.

Why not?

I could go on a paid business trip to Disney World and leave my vote there.

Now, what exactly is electricity? And I know the basics. It's the stuff that's in the air.

Ah!

Can someone just tell me what's gonna happen so I can chill the out? Presidential race at a dead heat.

So what do these numbers mean? I could do the a beautiful mind thing, but maybe it's just quicker to talk to an expert. Anthony, who the is gonna win this election?

OK, thank you for all of this information. It's been really helpful. I'm wondering who is going to win the election.

Do you think that polls are the best way to predict elections?

So this morning, for example, I was at a diner. I know what I want. It's going to be two eggs scrambled, sausage, potatoes. But it was 1130, so I was seriously tempted to get a chicken Caesar wrap. And that's basically exactly what you do.

That's a really bad sign.

So despite that being their only job, the polls can't tell us who is going to win. Fortunately, there is someone who has called nine out of 10 of the last elections using a system of 13 questions about the economy and the electorate.

When people think it's simple, I'm like, are you dumb?

So how did you settle on 13 keys?

Or why not 15?

So, Alan, what is your prediction for this election, 2024?

That's cool. Alan's track record is solid, but he did make one oopsie in 2000.

So your system works perfectly, unless someone is stealing an election.

Thank God that won't happen, right? Right?

Gravity.

And Amy has been amazingly accurate in some of her predictions, like naming the exact date that Joe Biden stepped down.

I won't.

It's pretty simple, Michael. America is definitely in the wrong here. We're the bad guys. We suck. And when you've made a mistake, you have to take accountability and tell Canada to shut the f*** up.

Yeah. Listen, America is in the wrong. No ifs, ands, or buts. But when Canada starts talking shit, my dormant patriotic instincts bubble up and suddenly I'm proud to be an American, which is crazy because I'm not. But I can't help myself. When that guy called our bobsled team slow, that piece of shit.

Oh, that piece of shit. I want to take Canada's side, but when they boo our national anthem, I'm going to have to shit on theirs. Oh, Canada is in G major? I'm surprised it's not in A minor. I don't really know what that means.

It's like seeing your mom get arrested. You know she shouldn't have bought beer for those middle schoolers. But you're still going to yell at the cop and try to grab his gun. It's crazy, but that's love. Love for your mom and love for your country. And if that means I can't eat waffles with Canadian maple syrup, then by God, I will eat them with ketchup. Yum.

I hate it. I'm embarrassed to be an American right now, and as an American, I'm outraged. I don't like this patriotic monster I've become. Last night, I blacked out and bought a Ford F-150. And look at this shirt I'm wearing. I don't even know when I put this on.

I think I made it. Because I also have it tattooed on my back. Bottom line, Michael, I just want these tariffs to go away. I love this country so much, but sometimes America is just the worst.

The f*** did you just say about America? Never mind.

Wednesday, honey and Greek yogurt. So what would it take you to delete the app?

But you do say you keep redownloading it. I do. So what do you think Mark Zuckerberg could do to make you kind of kick it out? I don't know.

Oh, facts.

No, I get it. I need to go back to school. That went so over my head. All right, I'll delete with you.

Yeah, we'll do it together.

I mean, here, you can choose one. No, go with Airbnb. And stop renting little houses. We'll delete it after one, okay? Okay, so three, two, one, delete.

You don't understand the addiction. Wow, we were doing this together. You don't understand I'm addicted. We were doing this together. I'm addicted to it. And I can't get off. Come to the cameras. Wow, I really got people to change their minds and delete these apps and divest from billionaires. So go ahead and like, follow, and subscribe for more.

The world is up in arms about social media companies being run by Trump-aligned billionaires. But are they mad enough to get off the apps? Let's put this on TikTok and find out.

He's going to be pissed to hear you say that, babe.

He really likes you. What apps are you mostly on? Instagram and TikTok. Okay, gotcha.

you're on X. So if you mostly use Instagram, at what point would you be like, okay, I have to get off this app?

So if it's like an amazing one pot pasta recipe, you're like, it's actually fine that this is being monetized to Trump. Yeah, I don't... Do you think you'd be willing to pick an app and delete one with me today? We don't even need social media when we have books like this. Like, I'll read just a little. Okay, I won't bore you. Tuesday, mixed berries and chia seeds.

All right. I'll say it then.

So having a bunch of old brains in charge might be a bit of a problem, but this wise old neurologist actually has a solution.

I'm sorry. You're throwing away your vote.

Unsurprisingly, Trump says he aced his cognitive test already.

I mean, those aren't hard things to remember, right? Person, mama, dad.

And you have to look at someone's personality. I mean, I have a really good personality.

Thank you.

It doesn't need to be. Without seeing his test results, we can only guess how well, or not well, Trump's brain is doing. But it did make me curious. Could my brain be president? My name, Grace. My date of birth, June 30th, 1995.

Okay, God, I would like to be scored on those two, actually, if possible, because I think I got them right. Do you have more difficulties doing everyday activities due to thinking problems? No, I have almost nothing to do on a daily basis. At the bottom of the very last page, write, I have finished on the blank line provided.

Got it. This one is so easy. Can I call my mom to just double check? Last question.

Sir. Did I pass? Let's hear it, brother. Come on. Come on.

America's democracy may not be the strongest, but at least it's the oldest. There seems to be some sort of gerontocracy. We have the oldest leaders among rich countries, and we love all of them. Joe Biden, Donald Trump, this guy. But are there drawbacks to having our leadership with one foot in heaven? I spoke to Mark Fisher, Neuropolitics Researcher at UC Irvine.

Woo! Let's go! Now, if only someone could go to Washington and get our elected leaders to take this test. Okay, fine. I'll do it. Hello.

You too. My name's Grace.

I'm looking for a congressperson.

So who does, like, your Botox or your work? You look incredible.

Yes, most junior congressperson Maxwell Frost is the only person who would talk to me for this story. So how would you feel about having a cognitive test required for politicians?

Okay, why not? You worried you'd fail, dude?

For example, I could show you one.

What are these?

Congratulations, sir! You get to keep your position. They told me that if you screwed this up, that this office would be mine.

Yeah, of course. In this baby politician's view, the issue with politics isn't old brains. It's the lack of young ones.

So you're not ageist?

When do you feel like you would retire?

Do you think if you stay in Congress for 34 years, you'll be able to bring Congress to term limits?

So it's not hopeless. We just need our young politicians to stick around until they'll be able to change the system, however long it takes. You know what? I think I'll vote for you.

Why not?

I could go on a paid business trip to Disney World and leave my vote there.

Electronics manufacturer Foxconn is opening its first major U.S. factory in Wisconsin, investing $10 billion of their own money to do so.

What am I going to have for freaking lunch? I'm president of the United States. What the heck am I going to have for lunch? That's a hard decision. And I hope that I have a burger for lunch. I guess I've had this freaky misconception that old people are wiser and smarter than me. And it feels like what you're telling me is that that's not true and I should never trust them.

So even though you have more experiences, you are still getting dumber.

You bet your Asian ass it is, Ronnie. Thanks to our big, beautiful dome, Americans are finally safe from our enemies, which means I'm finally free to become an international roast comic. Buckle up, Barani and Ayatollahs, because Roastmaster Grace is Ayatollah and you're gonna go yourself! Okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Thanks to that metallic wonder bubble watching over us, I can finally say, hey, Chinese President Xi Jinping, make like your pandas do once a year and get . Boom, roasted!

Sorry, I can't hear you under my no-give-a-fuck umbrella. Hey, Lichtenstein, lick my ass! France, take a shower! Russia, why don't you rush into the shower or something? Got him! Hey, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, do you have to suck moose every night or you just do that for fun? You poutine bitches! Sorry, not sorry!

Like, like tomorrow it'll be ready?

Okay.

Well, Jordan, now that I'm here on the jet, I can confirm with my reporting that this jet is awesome. This just in, rich people are badass and so cool.

Um, it's called investigationary journalism, Troy. How would I know if they're serving champagne or Prosecco if I don't drink a bottle of each?

Oh, I'll tell you what they have access to. Movies that haven't even come out yet. I just saw Shrek 12. I don't know how that Shrek keeps getting away with it.

It's not easy for me either. I took a bubble bath, so I didn't see the first 30 minutes of Shrek 13. I missed Lord Farquaad's coming out story. This just in, Dragon is kind of homophobic.

Don't.

No one uses that word anymore.

What would you call that kind of store? A grocery store. That word is so old. Not a single living person uses the word grocery stores, except for you.

You literally sounded like, hey kids, let's gather around the big parola. It's time to talk about groceries. Groceries is like an old fashioned term.

Like my like great, great, great grandma used it. And like, she's dead as shit. Yeah. Also, when someone brings up a dead relative, it's like weird to laugh. What's wrong with groceries? Donald Trump says that nobody uses it. Nobody says that. He says it's old fashioned. Oh. So Trump is a trendsetter. He doesn't want to use groceries anymore. What do you think we should call them?

Yeah. Who sang these lyrics? Eat that booty like groceries.

Come on, you know him, you love him. I can tell. You know him, you love him. The Beatles.

Yes.

It was in Blackbird, I think. And I feel like young people like us, we don't even go to stores anymore. We just get everything from the cloud.

Oh, food is 100% on the table.

Gribble Shane. Wokery's. Wokery's. Tummy Treats. Mouth stuffers.

Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, I won't ask any more questions about that.

Why is that funny?

Monopoly woman, Ronnie. It's 2025. Women can do anything men can do, including beating up an old man and stealing his monocle and top hat.

This race is really heating up, Ronnie. There's so much money pouring in right now, they're not even being subtle about it. Elon Musk is shooting gold bars out of a T-shirt cannon.

It is, but the people it didn't kill are filthy rich.

Are you kidding? This is the best thing to happen to Wisconsin since Brett Favre's penis. Look at all this. They painted the whole city in gold. The street lamps are crystal chandeliers. The birds are diamond-encrusted. Sure, they're dead, but they're beautiful.

No, in fact, they're trying to get billionaire money in all their elections, no matter how small. This morning, I saw an attack ad that said Mary Beth Kowalski should not be senior class president at Sheboygan High because she failed her driver's test.

I know. Her mom still drops her off at school.

Uh, okay. If you can think of a better way to transfer billionaire money back to society, I'm all ears.

What?

Taxes? What? Ronnie, I don't know what language you just slipped into, but I got to go. That old man is waking up, and I got to finish the job.

Agree to disagree, Desi. I think the other lady had the better idea. Democrats need to f*** Donald Trump. F*** him real good.

Oh, well, a penis will go into the vagina.

I mean, like, how would Democrats do that? Of course. Come on, you know, girl on top, guy on top, reverse cowgirl, the octopus.

I know how to do that. Wait, what is the octopus? You need an above-ground pool and four people. Or one person with a lot of arms.

Think of all this guy's pent-up anger, his terrible decision-making, his frantic energy. He's got blue balls of the brain. Think of it like a volcano. If you don't jack off the mountain every so often, it'll explode and wipe out an Italian village. That's science, Desi.

But maybe if the Democrats f*** him so good, he'll get that post-nut clarity. He'll be like... Wait, why am I cutting funding to stop Ebola? And why is Elon doing here? I hate this guy.

Okay, I didn't say orgy, but I like it. You're a freak. Look, it's not like anything else has worked. Voting didn't work. Indicting him didn't work. They even lost the election after getting an endorsement from America's sweetheart Liz Cheney. The only option left is to run out the clock four to seven minutes at a time. That seems very ambitious. Fine. Three to five minutes at a time.

Face it, Desi, you want Dems to take action? They gotta give Trump some action. You want Dems to stop jerking off and get to work? They gotta get to work jerking him off. You want Dems to not blow at their jobs? Yeah, no, I get it. I get where you're going. I get it. I bet you get it, you sex monster. But if this isn't the strategy, I literally don't know what is.

No, I think you were right. Your group f*** fest idea is the only option. No, no, no, no, great. That wasn't my idea.

Beats the out of me, Ronnie. The way she did it made it look like they don't pay attention if you sneak through the flight crew line, but they do pay attention, especially when you yell, made it!

Because I'm a reporter, and I wanted to report on what it's like to get a free flight to the Bahamas for two weeks. That's how dedicated I am to the pursuit of the truth.

I didn't. They almost arrested me, but then I pointed at a guy and told him he had 3.1 ounces of sunscreen. They beat the living shit out of him, and I got to the gate.

Yeah, it turns out if you put your phone down on that ticket scanner and just say beep, they'll totally let you through.

I actually was able to find a seat way up front, but apparently only the pilot is allowed to sit in the cockpit, which seems super strict. Did something, like, happen?

No, I guess they thought I was the pilot, so they let me fly the plane. But my landing, it was a little bumpy, and that's when they caught me. They're super sharp, these guys.

Yes. It turns out there is an interesting new wrinkle to this story, which is I need a pardon. Did you know all of this was a federal crime?

I don't know.

Again, I think we're going to wait and see how this plays out.

every country on the list faces at least 10% tariffs. Even small, remote places like the Heard and McDonald Islands. They are near Antarctica and covered in glaciers, home to many penguins, but no people.

Because I'm a serious journalist, Michael. I wanted to embed myself with the locals to get the real story. And that's why I disguised myself as a penguin and learned their culture and made it with the hottest one.

No, they don't all look alike, Jordan Klepper. Wait.

Well, at first I too thought that Trump putting tariffs on this uninhabited island was a sign that he had suffered brain damage. But after spending a week here in negative 11 degrees and drinking lots of seawater, I totally see where he's coming from. The penguins are taking total advantage of America. We buy all their skins to make tuxedos.

But have they ever... But have they ever bought any fish from us?

Yeah, but our fish comes in stick form. My grandfather was a fish stickerman. And these penguins are the reason he lost his job. Also, he got Me Too'd. Plus, America makes a lot of other things penguins don't buy. Soybeans, natural gas, grenade launchers.

Oh, why? Because they're too stupid?

Well, they don't have thumbs while they're f***ing me either, but they're doing that perfectly fine.

Husta, I have a family of penguins to look after. I'm a mother now. And, oops, they just got eaten by a seal. I'll be home tomorrow.