Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Desperately Spin Yemen Group Chat Fumble | Mayor Michelle Wu
Thanks, Ronnie. So far, it's been a pretty underwhelming performance by both hosts. There is one major upset to report. I'm very upset I had to witness this. But now I'd like to give everyone an update on the NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament. Thanks, Grace.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Desperately Spin Yemen Group Chat Fumble | Mayor Michelle Wu
Thanks, Ronnie. Looking at the numbers, we had three swear words, 17 dick jokes, and two men wasting what little life they have left. And now, a quick update on the women's bracket. Thank you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
That's fair, that makes sense actually.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So basically with this election, what you're saying is that Kamala's chart just looks more powerful than Donald Trump's?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
The stars had made a clear prediction for the election, but what could they predict about something that really mattered, like me?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
This changes everything. I mean, are you gonna tell my girlfriend or am I?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
There you have it. But with both the stars and history predicting the future, do we even need to vote?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
You're such a Leo. I'm not a Leo. I'm a Taurus. Let's cut that part out. Last time I was in Washington, D.C. was just two months ago, which feels like a lifetime. I was so young and naive looking for answers. What is your prediction for this election in 2024? And Alan Lichtman gave them to me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Josh's typical day as an eco-warrior starts with cardio, going up 11 flights of stairs with his solar panels. His heavy, heavy solar panels. By the way, you know we're like breathing out carbon right now?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
No, no, it's not your time to talk yet. I seriously trusted you. And I thought that what you told me was the truth.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
You didn't tell me that you were a human being and that you might be wrong.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Did you even notice I got a haircut?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I agree. It really frames my face. If only Alan's political judgment was as good as his taste in haircuts, but it wasn't, and I needed to know why. What are some of your excuses?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
See, yeah, I knew that was stupid and I was going to tell you, but I didn't want a woman's plans.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I wish you had told me that the first time. Could have maybe thrown that in there. And to be fair, Allen wasn't the only thought leader who got this prediction wrong. Have you talked to Charlie XCX about this or anything?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Yeah. She said that Kamala is brat. And it just, at this point, I'm kind of thinking perhaps Trump was more brat.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Yeah. But you and her have not spoken.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I was secretly glad they hadn't spoken because that would make me crazy jealous, which is an issue I'd been working on with my therapist. But did Alan have any regrets of his own? Are you thinking, why did I ever get into politics? Why didn't I, you know, just stick to modeling or something?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I'll be right up there, man. Just give me like one second. Luckily, I was able to find a TaskRabbit to go up the remaining 10 flights of stairs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I one time was in an Uber, and there was an iPad on the back of the seat. And it said, what sound does a dog make? And bark was right there. I clicked moo. But lucky for me, it's not my job. And so it really had no impact on my life.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
You know what, Alan? I forgive you. And I hope that we're back here in four years.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
And I hope you're right that time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
The world is up in arms about social media companies being run by Trump-aligned billionaires. But are they mad enough to get off the apps? Let's put this on TikTok and find out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
And it's not just about saving energy. Josh has also been living packaging-free for a decade. Americans throw away 268 million tons of trash per year, which is enough to feed 10 rats. But Josh says there's a better way.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
You're, like, about to punch me. Calm down.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
He really likes you. What apps are you mostly on? Instagram and TikTok, definitely. Okay, gotcha.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I'm on Instagram and Snapchat. Okay. Instagram and...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
you're on X. So if you mostly use Instagram, at what point would you be like, okay, I have to get off this app?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So if it's like an amazing one pot pasta recipe, you're like, it's actually fine that this is being monetized to Trump. Yeah, I don't... Do you think you'd be willing to pick an app and delete one with me today? We don't even need social media when we have books like this. Like, I'll read just a little. Okay, I won't bore you. Tuesday, mixed berries and chia seeds.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Wednesday, honey and Greek yogurt. So what would it take you to delete the app?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Instagram? Oh, I mean, I deleted it last week. I'll probably delete it again. We don't need it. But you do say you keep redownloading it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I do. So what do you think Mark Zuckerberg could do to make you kind of kick it out? I don't know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
He's probably already done enough. Yeah. We probably should delete the app. Do you guys want to do it? Right now? Wait. I saw this post that was like, people get FOMO from not being on social media, but then they get FOMO from real life. from being on social media.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
No, I get it. I need to go back to school. That went so over my head. All right, I'll delete with you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I'm going to delete. Airbnb. I don't know if it doesn't count, but for the sake of this. I mean, here, you can choose one.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
No, go with Airbnb. And stop renting little houses. We'll delete it after one, okay? Okay, so three, two, one, delete.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
You don't understand the addiction.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
You don't understand I'm addicted. We were doing this together. I'm addicted to it. And I can't get off. Cut the cameras. Wow, I really got people to change their minds and delete these apps and divest from billionaires. So go ahead and like, follow, and subscribe for more.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Do you mind if I give this to you?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So 500 years, someone will be using it. Maybe my great-great-granddaughter.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
You have quite the imagination. Josh also uses that imagination in the kitchen.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
This way of life seemed really difficult. How was Josh keeping himself going?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Right. That's usually what I'm saying to myself.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
That's exactly how I think. It's like you're reading my brain.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
When you hear off the grid, you probably think of living in a cute cottage in the woods like Ted Kaczynski. But you don't have to venture way the into the wilderness to live like Ted. Meet Josh Spodek, astrophysicist, NYU professor, and real life Captain Planet.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
And I'll quote Abraham Lincoln. God bless America. He said that a lot.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Wow. Josh had inspired me. And I was ready to make a difference, too. Going a full 24 hours living life Spodek style. This is a day in my life with zero electricity and zero waste. I start my day by waking up. Whoops. No electricity means no lights. Luckily, my toxic roommate isn't home, so I'm using her food to make my famous green glow smoothie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I start with bananas, some beautiful organic kale, one scoop of collagen, and then... Next up, a trip to Precycle, a packaging-free store where you bring your own containers. Good thing I always travel with my Tupperwares. Josh, if you're watching, check it out. Man, I'm really doing this. Hello. So these are oats right here. And then last but not least, these are the flour.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
You can probably just weigh my whole hand just to make it a little bit easier.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Oh my God, I did it. That was only 90 minutes. me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
You said you had 5% 10 minutes ago. you. OK. All good, bro. All good. Just me here with my thoughts. That's chill. I know what to do. Sadly, I didn't make it. But you know what I did make? A difference. And that's something they can never take away from me. America's democracy may not be the strongest, but at least it's the oldest. There seems to be some sort of gerontocracy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
We have the oldest leaders among rich countries. And we love all of them. Joe Biden, Donald Trump, this guy. But are there drawbacks to having our leadership with one foot in heaven? I spoke to Mark Fisher, Neuropolitics Researcher at UC Irvine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
What am I gonna have for freaking lunch? I'm president of the United States. What the heck am I gonna have for lunch? That's a hard decision. And I hope that I have a burger for lunch. I guess I've had this freaky misconception that old people are wiser and smarter than me. And it feels like what you're telling me is that that's not true and I should never trust them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So even though you have more experiences, you are still getting dumber.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So having a bunch of old brains in charge might be a bit of a problem, but this wise old neurologist actually has a solution.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Okay, twin, I also only take out my trash once a year. But recently, Josh went even further, taking his Manhattan apartment off the electrical grid completely. So what is your problem with electricity? Did it kill your family? Or did it because I'm now realizing that's kind of something that could happen?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Unsurprisingly, Trump says he aced his cognitive test already.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I mean, those aren't hard things to remember, right? Person, mama, dad.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
And you have to look at someone's personality. I mean, I have a really good personality.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
It doesn't need to be. Without seeing his test results, we can only guess how well, or not well, Trump's brain is doing. But it did make me curious. Could my brain be president? My name, Grace. My date of birth, June 30th, 1995.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Okay, God, I would like to be scored on those two, actually, if possible, because I think I got them right. Do you have more difficulties doing everyday activities due to thinking problems? No, I have almost nothing to do on a daily basis. At the bottom of the very last page, write, I have finished on the blank line provided.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Got it. This one is so easy. Can I call my mom to just double check? Last question.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Sir. Did I pass? Let's hear it, brother. Come on. Come on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Woo! Let's go! Now, if only someone could go to Washington and get our elected leaders to take this test. OK, fine. I'll do it. Hello.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I'm looking for a congressperson.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So who does, like, your Botox or your work? You look incredible.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Yes, most junior congressperson Maxwell Frost is the only person who would talk to me for this story. So how would you feel about having a cognitive test required for politicians?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Okay, why not? You worried you'd fail, dude?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
For example, I could show you one.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Congratulations, sir! You get to keep your position. They told me that if you screwed this up, that this office would be mine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Yeah, of course. In this baby politician's view, the issue with politics isn't old brains. It's the lack of young ones.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
When do you feel like you would retire?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Do you think if you stay in Congress for 34 years, you'll be able to bring Congress to term limits?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So it's not hopeless. We just need our young politicians to stick around until they'll be able to change the system, however long it takes. You know what? I think I'll vote for you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
I could go on a paid business trip to Disney World and leave my vote there.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Now, what exactly is electricity? And I know the basics. It's the stuff that's in the air.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Can someone just tell me what's gonna happen so I can chill the out? Presidential race at a dead heat.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So what do these numbers mean? I could do the a beautiful mind thing, but maybe it's just quicker to talk to an expert. Anthony, who the is gonna win this election?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
OK, thank you for all of this information. It's been really helpful. I'm wondering who is going to win the election.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Do you think that polls are the best way to predict elections?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So this morning, for example, I was at a diner. I know what I want. It's going to be two eggs scrambled, sausage, potatoes. But it was 1130, so I was seriously tempted to get a chicken Caesar wrap. And that's basically exactly what you do.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So despite that being their only job, the polls can't tell us who is going to win. Fortunately, there is someone who has called nine out of 10 of the last elections using a system of 13 questions about the economy and the electorate.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
When people think it's simple, I'm like, are you dumb?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So how did you settle on 13 keys?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So, Alan, what is your prediction for this election, 2024?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
That's cool. Alan's track record is solid, but he did make one oopsie in 2000.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
So your system works perfectly, unless someone is stealing an election.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Thank God that won't happen, right? Right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
In the Field with Grace Kuhlenschmidt
And Amy has been amazingly accurate in some of her predictions, like naming the exact date that Joe Biden stepped down.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I won't.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
It's pretty simple, Michael. America is definitely in the wrong here. We're the bad guys. We suck. And when you've made a mistake, you have to take accountability and tell Canada to shut the f*** up.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah. Listen, America is in the wrong. No ifs, ands, or buts. But when Canada starts talking shit, my dormant patriotic instincts bubble up and suddenly I'm proud to be an American, which is crazy because I'm not. But I can't help myself. When that guy called our bobsled team slow, that piece of shit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Oh, that piece of shit. I want to take Canada's side, but when they boo our national anthem, I'm going to have to shit on theirs. Oh, Canada is in G major? I'm surprised it's not in A minor. I don't really know what that means.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
It's like seeing your mom get arrested. You know she shouldn't have bought beer for those middle schoolers. But you're still going to yell at the cop and try to grab his gun. It's crazy, but that's love. Love for your mom and love for your country. And if that means I can't eat waffles with Canadian maple syrup, then by God, I will eat them with ketchup. Yum.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I hate it. I'm embarrassed to be an American right now, and as an American, I'm outraged. I don't like this patriotic monster I've become. Last night, I blacked out and bought a Ford F-150. And look at this shirt I'm wearing. I don't even know when I put this on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I think I made it. Because I also have it tattooed on my back. Bottom line, Michael, I just want these tariffs to go away. I love this country so much, but sometimes America is just the worst.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
The f*** did you just say about America? Never mind.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
No one uses that word anymore.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
What would you call that kind of store? A grocery store. That word is so old. Not a single living person uses the word grocery stores, except for you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
You literally sounded like, hey kids, let's gather around the big parola. It's time to talk about groceries. Groceries is like an old fashioned term.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Like my like great, great, great grandma used it. And like, she's dead as shit. Yeah. Also, when someone brings up a dead relative, it's like weird to laugh. What's wrong with groceries? Donald Trump says that nobody uses it. Nobody says that. He says it's old fashioned. Oh. So Trump is a trendsetter. He doesn't want to use groceries anymore. What do you think we should call them?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah. Who sang these lyrics? Eat that booty like groceries.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Come on, you know him, you love him. I can tell. You know him, you love him. The Beatles.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
It was in Blackbird, I think. And I feel like young people like us, we don't even go to stores anymore. We just get everything from the cloud.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Oh, food is 100% on the table.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Gribble Shane. Wokery's. Wokery's. Tummy Treats. Mouth stuffers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, I won't ask any more questions about that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Why is that funny?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
Monopoly woman, Ronnie. It's 2025. Women can do anything men can do, including beating up an old man and stealing his monocle and top hat.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
This race is really heating up, Ronnie. There's so much money pouring in right now, they're not even being subtle about it. Elon Musk is shooting gold bars out of a T-shirt cannon.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
It is, but the people it didn't kill are filthy rich.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
Are you kidding? This is the best thing to happen to Wisconsin since Brett Favre's penis. Look at all this. They painted the whole city in gold. The street lamps are crystal chandeliers. The birds are diamond-encrusted. Sure, they're dead, but they're beautiful.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
No, in fact, they're trying to get billionaire money in all their elections, no matter how small. This morning, I saw an attack ad that said Mary Beth Kowalski should not be senior class president at Sheboygan High because she failed her driver's test.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
I know. Her mom still drops her off at school.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
Uh, okay. If you can think of a better way to transfer billionaire money back to society, I'm all ears.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
What?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
Taxes? What? Ronnie, I don't know what language you just slipped into, but I got to go. That old man is waking up, and I got to finish the job.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Agree to disagree, Desi. I think the other lady had the better idea. Democrats need to f*** Donald Trump. F*** him real good.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Oh, well, a penis will go into the vagina.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
I mean, like, how would Democrats do that? Of course. Come on, you know, girl on top, guy on top, reverse cowgirl, the octopus.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
I know how to do that. Wait, what is the octopus? You need an above-ground pool and four people. Or one person with a lot of arms.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Think of all this guy's pent-up anger, his terrible decision-making, his frantic energy. He's got blue balls of the brain. Think of it like a volcano. If you don't jack off the mountain every so often, it'll explode and wipe out an Italian village. That's science, Desi.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
But maybe if the Democrats f*** him so good, he'll get that post-nut clarity. He'll be like... Wait, why am I cutting funding to stop Ebola? And why is Elon doing here? I hate this guy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Okay, I didn't say orgy, but I like it. You're a freak. Look, it's not like anything else has worked. Voting didn't work. Indicting him didn't work. They even lost the election after getting an endorsement from America's sweetheart Liz Cheney. The only option left is to run out the clock four to seven minutes at a time. That seems very ambitious. Fine. Three to five minutes at a time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Face it, Desi, you want Dems to take action? They gotta give Trump some action. You want Dems to stop jerking off and get to work? They gotta get to work jerking him off. You want Dems to not blow at their jobs? Yeah, no, I get it. I get where you're going. I get it. I bet you get it, you sex monster. But if this isn't the strategy, I literally don't know what is.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
No, I think you were right. Your group f*** fest idea is the only option. No, no, no, no, great. That wasn't my idea.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
I don't know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Again, I think we're going to wait and see how this plays out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
every country on the list faces at least 10% tariffs. Even small, remote places like the Heard and McDonald Islands. They are near Antarctica and covered in glaciers, home to many penguins, but no people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Because I'm a serious journalist, Michael. I wanted to embed myself with the locals to get the real story. And that's why I disguised myself as a penguin and learned their culture and made it with the hottest one.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
No, they don't all look alike, Jordan Klepper. Wait.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Well, at first I too thought that Trump putting tariffs on this uninhabited island was a sign that he had suffered brain damage. But after spending a week here in negative 11 degrees and drinking lots of seawater, I totally see where he's coming from. The penguins are taking total advantage of America. We buy all their skins to make tuxedos.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
But have they ever... But have they ever bought any fish from us?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Yeah, but our fish comes in stick form. My grandfather was a fish stickerman. And these penguins are the reason he lost his job. Also, he got Me Too'd. Plus, America makes a lot of other things penguins don't buy. Soybeans, natural gas, grenade launchers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Oh, why? Because they're too stupid?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Well, they don't have thumbs while they're f***ing me either, but they're doing that perfectly fine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Husta, I have a family of penguins to look after. I'm a mother now. And, oops, they just got eaten by a seal. I'll be home tomorrow.