H. Foley
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
If you want the Emmys to call.
I was on the Osempis then. And now, no. Now, I had it up and down with the Osempis. I know it's bad. I'm sure you got a lot of questions. It's bad news. I understand that. I'm aware of what I look like.
You got a purposely bad old bus?
There's Eddie V's. Eddie V's. Shout out to him.
That's a nice joint right there.
And we only do, we only, listen, we only do it in like, you know, once or twice, like, you know, like something like this, you know, we had like a long week or whatever. Like the first night we got here, we got the guys with us and stuff like that. You know, we, you know, we want everybody to have a good time. Have you been?
That's got a lot of character to it.
Had a little King's Butter in my underwear.
We're just bad with money. We also almost got kicked out of Three Forks because we were pretty fucked up. Really?
We can't change it. Everybody's still green.
Yeah. We were in the middle of the dining room. It was nice. It was nice people. Yeah. Having nice dinners, enjoying themselves.
We knew we were in trouble when after we ordered, they came and they flipped out the leafs on the table. At this point, I'm like in the walkway. There's two nice couples having dinner behind us. We're screaming back and forth. We're doing this. We're doing that. We weren't like...
I watched it at home with my wife. Because we went to the NFC Championship the week before. And I realized very quickly after that whole excursion that I wouldn't have made the... It was rough. Really? Yeah. How so? Had to walk to the subway. There was no cars. Had to get through Broad Street walking around. My feet were killing me. We were all fucked up.
I just knew we couldn't do another weekend like that.
Were you considering going? Yeah. We thought about it. You know, in the moment, we were excited. Because that's hometown.
Yeah. I also didn't want to watch that in that environment because I was very anxious about it. I didn't want to go to any Super Bowl parties. I wanted to sit in the dark, quiet, and watch it. But you must have really enjoyed it. Not because I kept thinking, like, this fucking guy's going to come back.
There was a guy in Philly in the 60s, I think. He ended up becoming one of the managers of this restaurant I worked at when I was a kid, the Blue Bell Inn. His name was Jack Friel, Philly legend. He was a coach of a Catholic school in Philly. The night before the city championship or whatever it was, the varsity team got in trouble for drinking or something like that. Benches them all.
Starts the JV team. Wins the city championship. What? I'm not sure what it was.
That's what I'm talking about.
This is halftime. Where have you guys been raised that you're so weak mentally that you just give up when something doesn't go right for you? Don't you know what adversity is all about? That's the game of life, not the game of basketball. You don't get down when things go wrong. You dig it and get tougher. Your whole life's going to be adversity. Learn how to deal with it.
Let's fucking go.
Yeah. That's great. Think he likes an Eddie V's, huh? Oh, man. Sit down, baseball steak with him. Get you straightened out. You guys are like children.
Just like, where were you raised, pussy? That's what you need. All my coaches in high school and college were like that, and I loved it. It's great, right?
I remember my football coach in high school saying he was hard on us. He came in when I was a junior, and then my senior year, they'd gotten their foot under them and stuff like that, and they really wanted to build a program. And so he was hard on us to get everybody ready as the program moved forward.
And I think I or one of my buddies who he always was just strong on was like, why do you yell at us so much? And he was like, when I stop yelling, that's when you should worry.
Yeah, we met in Chicago and then took the bus all the way to California over the 12 days.
And my three Indian step sisters. That's what he was saying. That's got to be a book. That's the name of someone's father.
100% on the streets.
Haven't had a slice in 15 years.
He... I had a pretty good conversation with him one night. We took shrooms, and I was up front.
Yeah. That was a great episode, man. Christina's awesome. She's great.
Yeah, just me. And he ripped heaters, so we were still smoking at the time, so he let me come up and sit and smoke a cig with him. I chatted him up a little bit, found a little bit of his life story. Nice guy. He's Dominican. Dominican dude, maybe a little bit of a rougher, younger days.
Little rascals.
They got a lot of spunk.
Crazy, dude. Yeah, that was the first time that ever happened. Somebody came in straight from the ER, who should have went to the ER the night before. Yeah, she let it bleed through.
Yeah. Oh, okay.
And then find out. I know she was maybe doing it half-jokingly, but I also think maybe she didn't want to admit this. She said she got bit by a snake. I don't think she wanted to admit that her son stabbed her.
Hey, maybe. Stop being a pussy.
What are they, three years apart? Yeah, two and a half. Yeah, VMI, dude, it was the same thing. We were nightmares. One year, we had just moved from upstate Pennsylvania down to outside of Philly. Down by Philly, everything was way more expensive. So we were like, my parents were kind of struggling a little bit. We were living in a townhouse. They were trying to give us a good life.
They were working their asses off and all this stuff. And my mom, every year, she would wrap all the Christmas presents and put them, hide some stuff, but put a majority of them in one of the rooms downstairs where she wrapped them up. But there'd be no labels on them. You know what I mean? So like, oh, these are for your cousins and all that kind of stuff.
My mom's working like a triple shift somewhere. My dad's away. Me and my brother are home by ourselves. Maybe we're like 12. I'm 12. He's 14. And my brother walks in. I'm sitting there watching TV. And he comes in. He's got a brand new sneaker in his hand. And I'm like, where the fuck did you get that? And he's like, come here. Brings me into the room.
He got a razor blade and slit open the presents. And we slid them out. So once we realized we could do that, we looked at every single one. I got this. I got Sega. I got this. Unbelievable. We piece it back together. Perfect crime. Don't do it right. We put it back. Next day, go to school. Come home. Usually my mom's there. My dad doesn't get home until whenever. He's sitting at the kitchen table.
He's like, your mom's over at your aunt's. She's hysterically crying. Busted. Ruined Christmas. It was like one of those times, like, no yelling. Yeah. Just... Quiet. Bad.
They were the shit, bro.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
He loved that.
Dude. School calls? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. They probably got them on fucking speed dial, dude.
What do you think, you dumb broad? I got 20s? Yeah, it's 100. Here's a little something for yourself. Keep the chocolate milk cold.
Don't wear that perfume tomorrow either.
Trying to spell over here. Giraffe? I don't fucking know.
Is your spending out of control? I mean... We're not buying tigers or anything like that. Things happen quickly. Okay, so you're an impulse buyer? Is that what the thing is? I'm just an idiot, man. He's been smart. He's been good.
I've never learned anything like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I vaguely remember having an accounting class in high school, but I know I didn't pass it.
Where were you? I didn't realize they were filming. So I was still on Ozempic at the time, and it was really killing me. Killing me. Was it helping? No. It was making me. I was so sick. I had burps, the runs, the whole nine yards. I was in a bad spot. So I was on a clock. Because you get on that bus, you can't poop. He acts like he lives in a typical good spot normally.
I got the acorns.
I'm just bad spending. All I'm saying is this. Like I'm in panic mode now.
I don't know what my goals are. I just want to have a little cash on me. Okay. I'm not walking around much. Do you have any debt? Why are you asking personal questions, Tommy? Well, I'm saying that could be a goal. I got a credit card bill. I pay it, though. Okay, I'm saying, I'm giving you examples of goals.
Why wouldn't it be due at the end of the month?
Like he's not burping and farting all the time. But I had to really time it out, and then the bus broke down, and that kind of jammed up my schedule. Yeah.
I didn't involve him in the planning of my wedding, which, looking back... That would have been a good time. He was hitting them up for payments earlier. What did this wedding look like? Beautiful, Tommy. Really? Had a nice time. I mean, it's Hawaii. It's Hawaii. Beautiful place. Beautiful. Did you get married on the beach? Yeah. Place called Lani Koanua in Oahu over at Koalina.
per se yeah and um yeah we got to the place where we're getting the bus fixed and you know something happened i didn't realize fucking uh luke our producer was running around like the school newspaper filming me and dude meanwhile he's got a lava like we are we're only day seven of production was under the radar was it running down your legs was it like no no it wasn't not he threw the underweight i
150.
Four years ago. Yeah, I just didn't understand it. I mean, I'm an idiot. You know what I mean? This is the first thing that's worked out for us. We can't be more grateful. Yeah, of course. And yeah, you know what I mean? It's like... It was kind of there. I was like, all right, yeah. You know, then it just kind of adds up.
And then, you know, man, when it was really getting close, I was like, fuck, am I going to be able to physically pay for this? So what happens?
If that didn't happen, I would have been bad. Really? Yeah. And I came back in January like, ew. Straighten me out. Because here was the thing.
The main panic was, and I didn't realize this as we were getting closer to the finish line, is that we got a room block for everybody that was coming over. Which everybody, I mean, got banged out. I got my whole family flying to Hawaii at Christmas. These guys came in for, like, three days.
Everybody's a little tense. But wedding was beautiful. Everybody had a great time. But I never did a room block before. I just assumed that if you get a room block, you're getting, like, a special, you know, you get a little discount because you got people coming in.
It turns out that whatever I tell them, like if I say, hey, I want 75 nights, you know, broken up, like, you know, 10 nights, 10 nights, 10 nights, you know, whatever. I'm responsible for that. Dude, he was... 75 nights at a beachfront hotel at Christmas in Hawaii.
Dude, I signed the contract and then I was like talking to the lady and I'm like, so wait, what does this mean? She's like, well, you know, if for some reason that you only hit like, you know, say 50 nights, you're going to be financially responsible for those other 25 nights. Holy shit. So around... I would say August of this year, I was basically working for this hotel, pitching to my family.
People started dropping like flies, too. Yeah, we're going to stay over here. Oh, my friend's got it. Your friend's got a place, got the pool. What are you talking about?
Yeah, it all worked out. Oh, it would have.
I just would have swam out in the ocean and just kept going. I would have been done.
Let me put it this way. When we got back from the wedding, I was on the bed fucking ripping open envelopes. Holy shit. Yeah.
Ah. But it was a good time, didn't we, Kippy? We had a good time.
Yeah, we're resuming our regular tour. We go back out in early March to do a run. We're going to do a run in April. We're going to take a little time off in the summer from the road. And then we got an AC show. And then we'll start back up touring in the fall. Take back up in the fall. But yeah, back. This was different. This was our big thing. Again, also, financially irresponsible.
We sunk everything we had into this.
Yeah.
Swivels.
I want to be able to sit in the captain's chair in the back right and turn around and talk to the boys.
Could you be like, oh, these are... Well, they were dark basketball shorts. Okay. So...
Oh, wow. That's clean living right there. Pulling up in one of them.
Baracus.
It's like fun. Ours doesn't have that tent on the top, does it? No, that's where you're staying. No. Yeah.
Rack and pinion steering. I like that you point out it's got AC on the radio. Those are hard to find these days. I got two words for you. Power windows. All right?
Airbags.
We had a dude stop for gas not that long ago. We had a show in Red Bank. We drove from the city. He was like, I got to get gas. And it disappeared for like 20 minutes.
It's fun.
That's what the whole show's about. That is what the show is about. The bozos and the homies, the fans want to see that.
Plus, I don't know, the retirement thing, it's like you can't take it out until a certain age. Yeah, what? I know. I mean, the clock's ticking. You know what I mean? On all of us.
I need access to that game now. Fuck retirement. I got a florist in Hawaii looking for me. I would love to see the bills. Man. We were getting, I thought I had it all mapped out. We flew from New York to, I think, was it Minneapolis? And then got on a, we had a layover in Minneapolis, got on a plane, we're flying in. I got it all mapped out. Everything's been taken out.
All the final payments are done. Yeah. We're literally about to take off, you know, and I'm going to lose my internet. I look at my American Express bill and I go, why? Something was just like an invoice when I thought I paid it, but I didn't. And I'm like, man, this is going to fuck everything up. And then we get... And I'm like, wait, wait. I thought this was taken out or whatever.
We get into a huge fight on our way there. And then I lose it. It's good times. I'm trying to text the vendor. Like, what did you do? Double charge me, whatever. And I lose it. Man, talk about a long flight.
Yeah, I was like... Yeah, my activities leading up to this, as far as exploring different avenues... Of, you know, maybe loans or whatever has now led to my phone gets blown up. I am on some list of I am on the huge sucker list somewhere. I have these random. Hey, you're almost approved for this. You want to do it? I mean, I get like five a day and I'm answering them.
Because I'm like, take me off your fucking list.
That's what they know. They're like, this guy swipes this card. Give me 30% APR and I'll consider it.
Yeah, that's why you don't look. Looking is bad. Yeah. When you don't want an answer, you don't look. Yeah. Bad reality in the cold light of day.
So they were filming. So the bus broke down. We were getting all that footage and stuff like that. But I realized Luke was like hovering around me with a camera. And when I got off the bus is when the incident occurred.
Then he comes up to the nose and does that. You got that on camera?
And if we weren't at that specific mechanic shop, I don't know how other mechanic shops are, but this bathroom was like a bathroom at a house. They had a sink. They had cleaning products under the sink. It was like a powder room. They had paper towels in there. You took the underwear. Right in the trash? Yeah. Well, first I checked. Because, you know, sometimes... False alarm.
It feels swampy, and it isn't. Right. Unfortunately, this time that wasn't the case. There was some action. For everybody involved. So I had loose basketball shorts on, so I thought I'd do it real quick. I just did like... One of those.
I knew it was bad news. Yeah. Yeah. For everybody. Yeah. So I excused myself from the group and I went in and same thing with your dad. Somebody was in there. Somebody else was in there and I was banging on the door and I heard the toilet flush. It was Tommy Cassidy, our opener. And I was like, listen, I heard the toilet flush. Next thing I should hear water running. Get out of there.
I got a situation. Yeah. So I go in there, have to get completely naked. Yeah. I'm completely naked. And it's like a little, it's like, it's a chilly Albuquerque morning. So I feel that draft coming in. Yeah. Standing in these people's bathroom. They're live.
So I had, I threw them in the, I threw them in the, in the trash can. All right. Yeah. Threw them in the trash can, cleaned up. I was like the wolf. I had to clean up the bathroom, get rid of everything. And thank God they had, you know, you sometimes put a clean trash bag under the dirty one so you can fill it. They had that. So it was cool. I got away clean. Yes. I grabbed my bag.
I threw my shorts on. I moved out. hook shot it in the dumpster, and that's it. The bus was fixed. Let's go. Thought, all right, no big deal. Everything's cool. He doesn't think anybody knows it this time.
Jimmy!
Yeah. Talk to my lawyer. I don't answer questions.
Those are pretty good.
A very, very, very, very, very, very good question.
I don't mind that.
Yeah.
We were out of everything.
You really are a fat-ass uncle.
What's the cheese dip with the chopped up stuff in it, with the sausage?
She does, yeah.
You pop them in the microwave, two minutes, boom. They don't taste... They don't taste...
They taste good.
That's a garbage move. I fucking love it.
It's Fanta and Coke. Try it out.
He might have been 12.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
That's a given.
Unless you're washing it, which is once in a blue moon.
Sure.
Whoa. So I think about 45.
That would be an awful... Screaming.
Charles Garoti.
They'll give you both.
And every single person that's come in here has commented on it.
You just enter your phone number, your email, no bank account needed, no waiting around for days. It's your money.
Start calling your friends from high school and shit.
Dude, I didn't know what a churros really was. That was the name of our textbook, our Spanish textbook, Churros y Chocolate. I didn't really know what that was. I think that was ours, too. I'm sure. Drew said it cans on the girl on page 69. That guy moves some books. I don't know if I really knew or understood what one was until my late 30s.
Where was she going to get them? We had to make them. How was she going to do that? I signed her up for it. No, but how was she going to do that? You make the batter.
You're talking about the 14,000 strong army of garbage over there on Patreon. Shout out to the motherfucking army.
I think the first step in that recipe is you got to put on some Enrique Iglesias in the kitchen.
You have to have a special piper, though.
Dude, you might as well have asked my mother to make plutonium. I did.
Hit them. Speaking of which. Yeah. Here's what we call a family episode.
I guess it really only is funnel cake.
The back on the block tour. The back on the block tour. Get your tickets now, gang, for the back on the block tour. We're coming to a city near you. Grab the squad. Come out and see the boys. Big fall tour. Big fall tour. Right? Going out on the road. Got the van. We got diesel. Fucking reloaded. New material.
It says I'm like, I know that's a bad look for a mom, too. When the teacher's criticizing. I usually cook.
We had seen your Gant. Yeah, I don't think she's Spanish either. I think he was. Gant? Mr. Gant. He was something. He was something. He wasn't. I'm telling you. He had a bumping tan. Trust me. He was something, dog. I'm telling you. He spoke Spanish like the Dickens. Kitchen Spanish.
Yeah. There was nothing like catching a lunch before lunch. That was the best.
Is it somebody's anniversary yet? You know, it's always an easy one. Chips and salsa. Yeah. That was always. Yeah.
Ready to go. New material. Snacks.
I'll get chips. You get pretzels. I'll get the, whatchamacallit's. Yeah. What the fuck am I doing? You know what I mean? Man.
And what a smooth move. The plates, the napkins, box of munchkins.
Box of munchkins.
Big shows at Boston at the Wilbur. Philly, we're doing the Met. Wilbur's about to go. Hello. Shout out to the boys up there in Boston and the ladies up there. Can't really tell them apart, but still. Nothing on that. We love you. I was going to say, it's a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. Just the way we like it. We're circling the wagons this week.
That seems like a lot. Yeah, I think in that case, if you're talking slaw... It depends on the density.
If we're talking about a cafeteria chicken patty... I would say no.
Yeah, too light. But if it's a heavy bike boy... And it's got the bacon sticking out and the slaw and the remoulade and the lettuce and tomato, maybe a pickle on there. Yeah, you put it down upside down. I don't know.
My one cousin got the same car as his brother.
That's different.
But you guys were young dirtbags. I'm saying now. This guy went out and bought the same family car that his brother has. So when they pull up, it's like the president's in there.
Yeah. Same color, same everything. Same exact, but the same exact car. Make, model, year, all that. I got to give it to them. They're nice cars.
That's a pedo-mobile right there, dog. I don't like that at all. There's some rope and stuff like that in the back seat of that thing.
Before you get started, I have something to ask. We've dabbled around this, and I know – before I say this, I know I'm an asshole, okay?
Good thing we got those churros.
What I was going to say is, obviously, it's a little outdated now, but I remember being a kid being like, I wouldn't be able to figure this out if my life depended on it. We're dads that had maps in their car. I remember looking at those. Could you figure out a map, you think, right now? Yeah.
You said we, what was your, were you navigating?
Were you? Yeah, I remember.
Yeah, I couldn't tell you the last time I bought a pair of shoelaces.
20 years, maybe.
I'm doing it. You know what I mean? That's pretty cool. That's a good look. Yeah. I mean, you were living a life. I like the dirty shoes look.
I also know that despite some of the progress I've made over the last couple of weeks and all that kind of stuff, that when I get around food – Is that the right word? Uh-huh. I get a little, you know, I have a strong emotional attachment, all that kind of stuff. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry.
You know what I didn't like when they started popping off, which I'm glad that they're not in style anymore? The round laces. Those things sucked.
Yeah.
Like the King's Cobbler doing your shoes.
Nah, that wasn't my look. The Barley.
Stan Smith's is like a pair of sneakers you would do. You would do that. I couldn't wear Stan Smith's even as a kid. Yeah, straight bar lacing.
That and the kid that could string a lacrosse stick. He was always in hot commodity. Especially around lacrosse players. It was a big deal.
That was always a good way for a younger classmate to get in with the cool seniors. I can restring that stick for you.
I always thought that was such a fucking classy move. We didn't have a dust buster. My cousins had a dust buster, and they had it. It was in the kitchen.
No, we've never successfully done that.
We were bad with the phones. Oh, yeah. That would come off.
For a while, ours was on the floor. We had it. It was plugged into the so in the kitchen where it was supposed to go was just the loose wire. And then it went around and it was just on the floor in the living room. Garbage.
Regardless of who it is, whether it's a loved one, a significant other, a co-worker, a friend, an acquaintance.
Copy machine.
Yeah, for a while. That was always a sign of the real. I think once my mom saw that our one neighbor had that, she corrected it because they were like the trashy family. They had shit all over their lawn. I hate to break it to you.
Their kids always had the cherry stains around their lips. I never got that.
I think his one little brother was born with that shit. Blue raspberry just going around here. Fucking slurpy kid.
Trying to show off.
That was the smokeless ashtray for the Foley household. Oh, yeah. We were.
Somebody said they were close to me. Uh-huh. Good guy. Now, I know you've never done this, right? You're out to eat. Okay. You've never, other than the rare situation, especially if a proper amount of time has elapsed, you've never said, can we have another minute? Are you guys ready to order? Can we have another minute? Wait, for me? You've never really done that.
Oh, man.
Man, playing on the stairs with your guys after a fresh vacuum.
I used to love that. Breaking out the thread, taping G.I. Joe's hand or something, coming in. Yeah, that was all right. M16 in one hand, couple grenades in the other.
I got to shoot him straight here. Because I break out that skinny pop popcorn during a movie at the house. That shit gets everywhere. And I'm hearing about it.
You know? Now, I got a question. I just did this the other day. Go ahead.
It's easier to just put it away. I did that one time with about a half a bag of dry cat food. It looked like a gumball machine. And man, did I hear about it. So I know where you're at. But yeah, you're...
I understand. Bad news.
Trying to be lazy.
I'm out here working all daily.
I did it one time with wet food, and that was a real problem. The cat will eat, and with her wet food, she'll lick up all the juices, so there'll be little pieces of that wet food around, like in the bowl, and she'll put the thing around. There's no set place where the cat eats. Wherever the cat is, she'll bring it over so to make sure the cat eats and sit with her for a second while she eats.
which is cute, but then I come out fucking to the room with, you know, my eyes all gunked up from sleeping, and I'll just punt that thing because it'll be in the middle of the hallway. Uh-huh. And then I got to clean that up. And one time I was being real lazy, and I just vacuumed it up. You're gross. That did not smell good.
I never had a shop vac that worked well. Can I tell you that? That's crazy. I've never once had a shop vac that worked well, that didn't have a fucked up wheel, that did not suck up really good. I've never had one that worked well. They're always such a pain in the ass. Sorry to hear that. They're always so light. You drag it around, it falls apart. They suck.
I remember when I figured out you could use it as a blower. Switch that around. Blew my mind. That worked well. Yeah, I mean. But the shop vac never worked. Stick your little pecker in there.
It's disgusting.
Pearson, I got a takeout order. Where's your bathroom at? What a dirt ball. Oh, my God.
I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I think – I mean, it's a dirtbag move, but it's got to happen if it's got to happen.
That's a wild move. What I was going to ask is, so if I have to pee or something like that and I go into a pizza place and I'm not getting anything, do you want to get something to use the bathroom?
I'm thinking specifically of the pizza place across the street from New York Comedy Club 24th Street. Sure. It's new now. If it's too early for me to go in to do my spot and I have to pee, I'll go in there, right? But I don't feel right, especially those guys. I don't want to just walk in and use the bathroom.
So what I'll do is I'll go get like a Snapple or a ginger ale or water or something like that. I'll pay for it. And then I'll say, hey, is it okay if I leave this here? I want to run and use the bathroom. How do you feel about that? You wouldn't leave your drink. Is that open?
Yeah, it's closed.
No, I would never bring it in there. Yeah, that's like from Saul. Yeah, I wouldn't bring... I mean, I'm disgusting, but it's well-documented, but I wouldn't bring... Anything that I was eating or drinking into a public bathroom.
At least pick up the bill. Jesus Christ. She's out of birth control, by the way. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? Good kid. I apologize.
I'm going to start doing that.
Pret-a-manger.
Yeah. Listen, I'm a fat ass, but that's not really anything to do with it. I understand if they rush you a little bit, you know what I mean? If it's like real quick.
I'm assuming. They've gotten to the point where they're now exchanging pictures of their domiciles. Sure. He's bragging for sure. Oh, man. I respect you. Get that done, dog. You got to tape. If you're showing she. Because if she thinks it looks like one thing and then she gets there and it's untapped sheetrock, she's going to think you're going to murder her.
That makes sense. The bird did that to me with sunglasses. She was using that AI app or whatever. Took a swing at her. I'm on my way. She was showing me pictures of sunglasses that she was going to buy. And I guess they have an AI thing where you can. And I'm like, I'm like, you bought all these fucking sunglasses. Hell, we're tanking.
I mean, I'm usually, listen, listen. You know, listen, I know. I usually know what I'm going to get before I go in there because I've looked at the menu in the car or whatever. Yeah, it's also not hard to say everything. And also, too, I know where I'm at. You know what I mean? You stick and move.
Start breaking them. Oh, that's good stuff there. Yeah, get the fucking place painted, man. What are you doing? I don't know. Don't listen to me. What the fuck do I care?
First time she comes over, put a blindfold on her. Tell her you're trying to be romantic.
Oh, yeah?
He's going to hear this and get pissed at me next time I see him down the shore.
Oh, like the soccer player thing? Kind of.
There's no way she wasn't banging them.
But...
Yeah, I stick and move a little bit, but there's usually not going to be really anything on the menu that's kind of like, oh, fuck, I didn't know that that was a thing. Sure. You know? My... You get one, right? Maybe. Wait. Okay.
That star shine he's talking about? That's your mother.
You weren't study buddies. I thought you were going to say, I thought he was going to say pulled out a cassette or a record and playing the voice of a deceased grandparent.
My mom has that of her dad who died when she was like 12. It's some recording that they did on like Coney Island. And she tried to play that. Even my dad shut that down. They get the fucking bishop in here to look at the stage. You know, I don't want no ghost voice in my house on my new stereo system. Fuck that. I remember looking, I just looked on it.
It was like, you know, Mary and Andy on the boardwalk in Coney Island. Uh-uh. Get out of there. Hey, play it backwards.
Man, talk about a dirtbag move. Playing records backwards. It's insane that these people thought that, like... That Paul McCartney was putting demonic messages on records.
Uh, yeah. You don't have that trouble with Diplo, I'll tell you. Fucking good vibes only, dog. He played that and he would sweep it upside down.
No, no. They were all numb. Deep, deep in the shit.
Fuck. Goddamn hippie. Dodging the draft.
I understand. I don't want to offend anybody.
Telling Aunt Soupy. I think we did. Did I give my Uncle Joe and my Uncle Mike hugs and kisses? I think I did. But, like, you know, like the manly ones.
Those guys usually the ones that were all that always gave the good like the good platonic kisses to the other wives. You know what I mean? They did the good, hey, Dawn Shell, good to see you. No?
All right. I'm not making sense. You know, they gave the good, you know, hey, how you doing kiss. Sure, I get what you're saying. Yeah, but no, whatever. Listen, you don't want to try to make out with your uncle. You look at him like, I'm a fucking freak. You fucking hornball. Why don't you put it away a little bit? Haven't you done enough damage?
You're fucking kissing your one aunt and then you're going into fucking Lacey Deasy, huh?
I'm definitely going to remind him next time I see him. Kevin grabbed your cock. That's seen in Donnie Brasco.
That was a lot. How'd you don't say that word?
It doesn't fit me.
I love those.
I know what you're talking about.
Two or three at a time.
What are you wearing? A plain t-shirt?
It's a group and an individual out to dinner. And the drinks had already been served and been sitting on the table.
There's a lot of conversation. There's a lot of conversation. There's a lot of- Which you love. No. There's a lot of mis-focused things. And listen, if the bed's made, all right, let's go make breakfast. But the bed's not made. I thought we were at dinner. Wait a minute. Let me get a short stack.
That's bad news. That's... Out there on Main Street.
Would they go after the roaches? They eat the bugs.
Did you find it? It's relying on them for cockroach control in a house is generally not a practical or effective solution.
Their presence in the house can create other issues. Like a turf war with the cat.
She don't know what she wants, and we're talking about what are we doing next weekend, or who's coming into town, or what about this, what about that. Making lighthearted conversations.
Figure the fuck. Listen, we got to make a move in the next 25 seconds here.
And they say, hey, can I get another minute? Then they leave. I think we're all set. What are you thinking, babe?
My co-worker. What's up, hot stuff? Lenny. His name's Lenny. We're at the lunch together. Yeah. We need another minute. We need another minute. And in the back of my head, I'm like, another fucking minute. I gotta wait another minute. Another minute? What the fuck could you possibly not know or need more information on? So I sit there. Get the burger!
And we weren't exactly in the fucking hot section either, so we had the fucking... Yeah, she's not training anybody to serve her, I'll tell you that. So it was like 15 minutes. And then more conversation. And I had to get this person back on track of like, hey, do you know? You even think it's between two things. And then I get hit with the, yeah, call her over.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. But they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in a new edition.
Call her over, close your fucking menu, and put it on the edge of the fucking table like a goddamn gentleman. Lenny. Lenny. Who I love and would not want to be without in any situation. And love going out to eat with Lenny. He's a good kid. But that, I feel, is an egregious. Listen, you get. Trashy.
No, it was. Well, okay. So we went to get sushi. You know what I mean? And it's Hibashi Sushi Sushi Place that she picked out. I'll just tell you. Yeah. And we get in there. It's a Saturday afternoon on the Upper West Side. And fucking there is a birthday party for seven thousand twelve year olds in there.
They're banging on the fucking table. They're singing happy birthday. They're hitting the gong like, isn't that racist? First of all, what are we doing here? They're screaming. The guy's doing the flips, and we're in the fucking back section. They have, like, a little section. You're out by the green strap.
Yeah. And I'm like, dude, these kids might as well be banging that gong right next to me. Going, fatty, fatty, fatty. Like, just, I was so annoyed. They better. I gave them 20 bucks each. Give me another minute. Yeah, that's it.
Listen. First of all, that situation in particular is just a conversation starter. You know what I mean? What do you mean? I'm just using as an example. Doesn't really pertain to my personal life there. No, of course. At 2-4. Yeah, this is a fictional program. No, I'm not saying that.
And as a waiter, I used to remember that happening all the time. I go over, oh, I'm sorry, we didn't even look yet. You didn't look yet. Oh, we weren't talking. That's what people would say. Like, you know, when it's like three or four couples.
She's got the allergies acting up on her a little bit. Okay. She's got the chills. She's got the runny nose, a little bit of a high fever, the shake. She's sweating. Bloody nose. Sounds like the DTs. Yeah, I think that's what it is. Chained up in a radiator. Yeah, Ben and Gerling are going to fix that. My co-host is coming at you. He tagged you. You got a little too cocky.
I think that's disrespectful to the server and to the restaurant.
We make the same amount of money. You have couples that are friends, and you go out with them and stuff like that. And you're doing your thing. Lenny doesn't want to hang out with me.
I'll dime her right the fuck out. I'm on your side, man. I know, but she doesn't. I apologize.
I don't know what that meant. Why can't you? You can't live in absolutes. What does that mean? I'm not really sure. It's not all white or black. A gray area. Speaking of which, you should have saw this tuna. Nothing on that. It was gray. I picked up on it. Yeah. The one piece was like, it was like a tongue. Not going back there. Anyway, that's got nothing to do with anything.
Okay. And I'm sorry to be so passionate about it. I apologize. How do you feel about the putting in the drinks and the appetizers that we're going to hold off for a couple of minutes? You do that. I do?
Well, when there's shellfish involved, cold shellfish, you know, you want to pause for a minute.
Full disclosure, we started off with the salad. And the salad at those places, they do that carrot ginger dressing, which I love. And in my head, that's like a juice. You know? And they put like a, it's like they walked by it with the ramekin. So I had to be like, yo, can we get a little more carrot? You're an asshole.
He's the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman, and he's my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Yeah, it was a big one.
I mean, it's like I'm in the kinky.
I start getting going. Uh huh. It's just a collective thing. I was just really just asking you guys. Sure. I didn't mean to be so divisive about it. It's basically just, you know, how do you feel about the gimme a minute? I think the gimme a minute should be used somewhat sparingly.
Now, do I give her that once? Was that the once a year? Or do we have to have a conversation about this?
Ooh, baby, I love that Cash App. It's 2025. Who's using cash? We're using Cash App. Boom. First of all, this is a big sponsor for us. Everybody knows about Cash App. I mean, what are we doing here? This is absolutely fantastic. I'll tell you why Cash App is absolutely fantastic, because it's easy peasy.
Do you let people know that you're a lawyer in situations?
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We're talking about these things fit like a glove. You've heard me talk about them. I love them. I got the 4Xs. They fit great. The fucking pipes. The fucking belly's not popping out. Absolutely fantastic. If you want the best T-shirt you ever put on, Go to True Classics and get yourself straightened the fuck out.
They got that situation where they get better when you.
Of course. Some guy talking about their kid's recital or something like that. You've got a triple homicide going. Exactly. It's always exciting. So, like, if there's a situation at a restaurant or something like that, and, like, you know, you're sending back the steak, they're giving you shit, you don't say, hey, I'm a lawyer. No, no. I would never say that.
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Those were white when you put them on.
Plenty of room up there.
What does that mean exactly, launder money?
Okay, all right, I got you. Now it makes sense. So somebody... I start playing stupid. What are drugs? So somebody could accidentally kind of be involved in something like that. Like if their buddy's like, hey. Or the wife or something. I didn't know what was happening.
Okay. Give us your light professional backstory so we know what we're dealing with here. Sure. Some of your credentials.
So what do they do? Like, you know, just say a high... You use the pay phone outside of the pizzeria and you have them call you back.
I got to get some distance between you two bozos.
How'd you get into law?
We're fucking up over here. Cell phones and all that stuff have made it easier.
You were married to this guy.
You do do marriage. Do you recommend prenups? I do marriage.
We're fucked every way possible. It's just crazy. Yeah. Not you, obviously, but have you ever known? It's getting hot in here. Have you ever known colleagues that have gotten caught up in that? Like, you know, they're dealing with a divorce. They start banging the wife. Oh, my God.
Hey, what are you wearing? Yeah, yeah. Speaking of divorce and the Sopranos, which is 98% of my personality, when Carmelo wants to go ahead with the divorce proceedings... One of some lawyer tells Tony to go around and meet with all the top defense or all the top divorce lawyers in the area so that she can hire conflict.
Is everything with you under lawyer confidentiality, even if somebody just goes and gets a consultation?
No matter what they tell you? No matter what they tell me. No kidding. Somebody comes in and says, hey, I killed a homeless guy.
Did you, when you got out, did you work for another?
I like him. I'm feeling good about our chances here. I'm walking scot-free, coppers. Did you work for another law firm, or did you go work for your dad's law firm?
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show where you sit there with your favorite comedians, and we find that they have to go to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash. Objection. I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
When you say appropriate attire, what is the appropriate attire? What do you want to get arrested in?
I think we're sharp. Don't you kind of want to look schlubby a little bit? I mean, it depends on your angle.
That would be a don't.
Do they give you cases right away, or are you, like, getting coffees and shit like that at first?
Something I always like in movies is so you got the detectives and all that stuff. But then like the DA's office has like their own investigators.
They're always like older grizzled dudes. Yes. Got like a snub-nosed 38. They got all the fucking hookups and all that stuff. I love those kind of characters. As a defense attorney, do you guys have somebody on the other side of that?
I wish I knew the city inside out.
He's good.
Has it ever gotten hairy for you? Like, have you ever had to, like, shake a tail in Chinatown or anything like that?
So don't yell out the window like, ah, what took you so long?
And what about that bullshit that people do? They just crack the window like, oh, I know my rights. I just have to crack.
Right there on the spot?
I thought that took a couple days.
He kicked somebody's ass. She. She. Yeah. That's a tough broad.
Kippy, Aura Frames, Aura Frames, Aura Frames. You mean the best digital photo frame in the biz? The best digital photo frame in the biz. You know why I said it three times? Why? Because you get three of them for everybody on the list. Sure. You get one for grandma. You get one for the age. You get one for your grandpa. Gang, if you want this Christmas season to be... Easy. Be a stud.
If you want this Christmas season to be no stress, not walking around the mall looking for this, looking for that, whatever it is, they don't want it. Get these old birds, these old guys, get them an aura frame. They throw it on the counter. They get to watch the kids grow up. You upload the photos. They get to see what's going on. It is absolutely easy. Dude, order five of them.
If you got five people to shop for, hit them with five aura frames. Boom. Boom, boom, boom. You're done.
KB, this is Liquid IV. Shout out to Liquid IV. I got an update for Liquid IV. Now, listen, as we all know, Liquid IV is fantastic. They've been a sponsor for a while. They've blown up in popularity over the last few years. Everybody's on this stuff because it's fantastic. It rehydrates you if you're at the gym, if you're sick, if you're hungover. Unbelievable.
Hydrates three times faster than water. But here is the turkey. You know what I stumbled across? What's that? And I didn't even know existed. What? Concord grape. Let me tell you something, dude.
My girl had to take it away. I'm doing like three and four in a day.
Crush one after a night of drinking before you go to bed. You're going to wake up feeling like a dream.
I assume you got some high level clients that you are on retainer so that if they call, you're down there. Exactly. So middle of the night doesn't matter. Yeah, absolutely. So we have a lot of clients like that.
club you know with all my suits it's that you just i get a lot of wear and tear gotcha even though i'm sexy as hell the suits still get right of course guys got a little bit of swag do you have any guidelines personally for yourself as far as like i'm not gonna wear this tie today i don't like this tie does any does the case does the judge does the that's a bit of a flashier tie would you wear that for like a white collar um so i personally like hermes ties
Is it true in this system that, obviously, you know, the better someone is at their job, the better it is... How do I word this? Be careful.
No, no, no, no, no. It's just... that the more expensive the lawyer, the better the lawyer. The better your chances of getting off are.
She got brought up on charges. You got her off the charges. What were the charges they were hitting her with?
Do you guys do a payment plan or do you have to work?
So you get jammed up. You don't got to come in with 300 grand. Yeah, but but 100 percent.
What was a deadly weapon? These hands, baby.
I always had, and I'm just being honest here, I had some issues with... Substances years ago or whatever. I always was very paranoid about it. But in reality, as far as an investigation, nobody's really looking for the end user, right? Absolutely not.
Hey, are we talking about an umbrella you get at the bodegas, those shitty ones, or like a golfer umbrella?
I'm talking end, end, end, end user.
Sure.
That's getting high on your own supply. But I will tell you something. Tony got jammed up down in my hand.
Dude, this is all right. On those terms, and this is strictly hypothetically, extradition- You want to get it back? Extradition-wise, just as somebody with expertise, where would you go if you didn't want to get sent back?
Treaties that will send you back.
But you got to go to their prison for a little while.
You're probably begging for them at that point.
Gotcha. But there are countries that- But if you get picked up down and you can't say that, hey, I'm going to go straight to the thing.
Oh, so you get that back? That's straight cash bail. You get back. Even if you get convicted or not? Absolutely.
Did they go after the other people then or was it just now?
He's already closed it, dude. Do you ever eat in the courtroom?
Yeah.
If you got a long trial day and you're there for like eight hours.
Some almonds or something, dude.
Have you gone after a long day and sit there and have like a scotch? No. Are you kidding me?
Do you ever see Michael Clayton?
Is there anything you could see at your law firm where you could use a couple of guys like us? Put me on the payroll. There's always opportunities. We're not from the streets or anything like that, but like I said, I got a past.
No, but I know how to handle myself. Where? I don't know. At the dumpling shop?
I'm talking like CI work, investigating, doing stakeouts.
All right, Mike, give me the drugs.
She is in central booking right now. I've heard. Tootie's jammed up legally, and we were thinking it'd be a good idea to get some legal expertise in here. Yes. And we're going to figure it out. We're not naming the charges right now. We're not going public with anything. I heard Rico. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. Not affiliated with the H. Foley Corporation.
Sure. What's the lunch situation over at the office? You guys do a big spread? Yeah. You got a conference room over there, right?
We have two conference rooms. All right. Let's check one. Make sure you have the conference room.
I'm not taking fucking meetings in his office.
We come into the office right now. What do you got?
You're fucking hired.
Did you have breakfast? Do you have breakfast? Sometimes. What did you have for breakfast today? Eggs. At the house? At the house. So you get a, what is, take us through. Take you into my personal life. You wake up. Somebody that's got to have their shit together.
And when you're picking that jury, you think about that stuff and And a lot of this is psychology.
Damn, that's fucking great. I'd blow my brains out. If I don't get 19 hours, I'm fucking useless.
But you have situations where, and I'm sure clients where, you're available. Are there people you're available to do 24-7? Yes. Are we two of them? Yes.
The producers.
Then you come back and have your eggs?
Come over sometime. I'll make it for you.
I would figure you would have to have some time in the morning to get your shit together.
Making a Murderer, the guy that put the push in the lady down the steps?
And so when you win that first case, what's the celebration like? Is it like in Goodfellas when you walk out like, Hey, yeah, not exactly.
They kind of swept out under the rug when they tried them, right?
He's got two flower powers in him.
You do an espresso after dinner?
Do you do coffee? Coffee.
What's your after dinner drink?
Remy Martin? No, I would do something.
That's why I knew I'd be home here. Are you in a suit? You don't have court today. I have court today. You have court today? I came here from court.
You grew up with it.
Buddy. Todd Spodak, ladies and gentlemen.
It ain't cheap. It ain't Bosco's, baby.
Buddy, we can't thank you enough for coming.
I appreciate it. You were absolutely fantastic. We love you. If you ever need anything from us, our door is always open. And I hope that reciprocates. Absolutely.
Let's take this down the sandals for a couple of days.
Hit me with one of them porterhouses. Anything you want the folks out there to know? Plug away website. Any date you got coming up you want to plug?
Love it. Todd Spodek. I'm all nervous. Start running out of here. Flip the table over. Todd Spodak, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, brother. Appreciate you.
Absolutely.
When we're done crying, what do we say?
Exactly. They say to you, if you just come clean now or whatever, they're all not entrapment by any stretch of the imagination.
Shout out to law enforcement.
They're like, shit, he knows me. He's looking, they're like, fuck, they're all over us. This guy's been following me. I don't like that. All right. And you were mentioned before, you had a huge case recently.
He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. And as I say, he's the guy that makes all the decisions. I'm just a patsy in this whole thing. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James, Ryan, everybody.
Let's see this.
She was scamming people, saying that she was a German heiress and didn't have any money. Yeah, you should join the defense team.
And she didn't have any cash, so is that something you do pro bono for the publicity?
Wait, hold on. Wait, Netflix paid some of your salary?
Get the fuck out of here. Gotta love showbiz, man.
He gets his SAG card. I want points on the back end. Get the fuck out of here. Look at you. That's sick. So can I ask you, what do you walk away with something like that?
Okay. Damn. All right. Damn. All right. This guy's got... You're higher.
I literally... I'll set up a little office back here with the Miller High Life, and we're good. Okay. I got an off-the-wall question here.
Do you think you would have gotten the kids from my cousin Vinny off?
Yes, sir. And gang, like I said, very special episode today. Yes. Very special guest here with us today for the first time. He is one of the premier criminal defense attorneys in these here United States. He is the owner-operator of the Spodak Law Group. Give it up for Mr. Todd Spodak. Yeah. Esquire. Thank you very much.
Are you a guy that likes to get to the jury or do you do you try to play it down? Yeah.
What's that mean, your exposures to the rule?
I'm an Esquire. Nice.
Hear ye, hear ye, the good people of Pittsburgh and Cleveland. The boys are coming for that Back on the Block tour. We added second shows and they're selling fast.
Very, very good. Very, very strong predicament. I happen to be in this predicament just this weekend, to be honest. Not with a personal opinion. UNC biscuit? Think you need some oats? You going to finish that cornmeal, boy? Split a half an apple with them. Uh-huh. I went out to dinner with the Bird and Patty. Great place down there. From the Boot. Shout out to it. Delicious. Roasted garlic wings.
Called From the Boot. From the Boot's the name of the joint. That's real fucking Philly Guinea shit. They do it so good. Where is it? There's a couple locations. This one's over near where Patty lives. But they got a couple locations. They got one over in Ambler. They got one, I think, on... In Lafayette Hill or something like that. I don't know. But delicious.
Anyway, we got some calamari and some wings. All right. I had a bit of a late lunch. The girls got wings with your mom.
No, they do this blue cheese sauce that's fucking unbelievable. It's crazy good.
What do you mean? I don't know with you. I did. Okay. I always pick up the check for Patty. Uh-huh. Playing the long con on her. Sure. Got a little bit of cash. Straighten me out. Get a couple of the wings. We'll get the wings in the will. That's going to keep her out of a nursing home. Belay Mignon, 44 bucks. It's a nice place. Jesus Christ. Delicious. What? They got a chicken parm?
No chicken parm sandwich? They have a chicken parm on there.
They don't?
Thank God. Chicken colored Italian. I was going to call the health inspector. Go in there and shut them down. But I'm just going to sound crazy, but they do a great house salad. All right? With a homemade balsamic vinaigrette. Why would that be crazy? Me eating a house salad as an entree. Sure. With crumbled blue cheese and croutons. It's awesome. So I got that as a hot sauce and wings.
No chicken parm on top. I got that as a as an entree with some some grilled shrimp on it. All right. But they had big pasta plate. So I was done. And I was just kind of sitting there sipping a nice tea. And I didn't like it.
Make a move.
A little bit. I get it. Listen. Wrap this up. So I do respect this move.
If you would have asked me this maybe like a month ago, I would have told you something different, but I also learned a lesson when me, you, and Ryan D went out and got a bite to eat in Austin because I was the only one that had a second. I had three courses because I got a soup. After the appetizer course, I had a soup, and you guys were sitting there. Luke hit me.
You guys were sitting there, and I was eating my soup, which I didn't finish because I felt pressured, so I pushed that aside. It was a lobster bisque. It was delicious. So I would probably order it when the guy came back to check on us. Halfway through the entrees, I would say, hey, why don't you throw me in a personal pan pizza?
On a side note, how do you feel about the, let's say you, the bird, I don't know, Denise, go out to dinner, but your brother's at the house, I don't know, watching the dog.
Are you okay with when you put the entrees in to say, hey, also, can you do chicken parm to go? I just had to do this when we were on the road.
I'm just... We never did it growing up. I feel like you got... Yeah, you got to... Listen, if you miss dinner, you miss dinner. I don't disagree. I'm not bringing you something back. Sure. Because that way, we got someone at the house. Can you just... And then that doesn't come out in time and you're waiting around or it comes out too early.
People like Luke have no... My mommy does it for me every time. Really? Say if you're... I can watch my programs at home and then I get a nice meal.
So if you're at the house in Connecticut and they're like, we're going out to dinner, why don't you just go to dinner with them?
Now I usually do, but like, you know, an end of college.
I'm playing video games. No shit. You son of a bitch. Yeah, that was never on. But if we didn't go to dinner, you weren't fucking. If you got some leftovers, you were lucky. And it was someplace.
Sure.
But naturally, they would just bring back some. Yeah, if there was leftovers. You weren't getting what they were getting. See, that's funny. That's the difference between how you grew up and how we grew up.
This is also later in life, to be honest.
This is probably fucking 18 months ago. No, but if my parents were going out to... There was dinners that we would get to go to that we would go out to as a family if the cousins were all going. But then there were also dinners that my parents would go out to. It would usually be a little nicer of a joint. They'd go with another couple.
And those times I would sometimes get a meal after. That's crazy.
You fucking frat. No, never. That would never happen. I'm picking through some old spare ribs that my dad sucked on. A little burrata.
Depends on the pizza. What's the flop situation? How hot is it?
But you're not driving.
Oh, you're driving.
That messes up. I can't drive on an empty stomach. Pizza is a very, very, very, very strong bite and sip combo for me.
And is the pizza for the rest of the family when you get home? Is he going home to dinner with the family? A large pie, it's got to be. So he's showing up with a half-eaten pie or three slices taken out? That's no good. Oh, my dad would have freaked out. That's no good.
You like getting fucked up and calling your grandmother trash? Pick up the card pack. You had time for Easter? You got Memorial Day coming up? I have.
I do.
As a fat kid, I would have been real suspect. If my dad would have been nibbling on a slice, I would have been real suspect. What's this? Well, you open it up, and there's one missing, a piece of crust in there, maybe?
Yeah, I don't like that at all.
I love it. Hot coffee? Yeah, in like a pint glass. Get your milk in there. It's not bad. You usually don't fill it up all the way.
Ever drink soda out of a coffee cup is the more important question.
But that's what I like about it. No. It's like edging. You gotta do a... You keep doing multiple cups. What am I, a fucking asshole? Of course you do.
It seems European. I would crush the first one. I would be doing this under the assumption that the two-liter or the soda was right next to me where I could constantly keep drinking.
Because I told you, our wrestling coach used to get us Wawa orange drink every morning at practice, and it would be in the refrigerator when we got done practice. And that was like, it was like mother's milk. But we only were allowed to drink it out of little dentist cups. It was like you could have as much as you want, but you had to drink it out of that. And it was actually oddly satisfying.
Sure. You are a bit of a freak. Yeah.
Like that reporter that threw the slipper at the... Sure.
Damn, that's him? Charles Watson.
The beautiful people. The beautiful people. You ever see him and the guy getting in a fight on stage? Who? Marilyn Manson and his guitar player. They get into a big fight. Twiggy or Ziggy? Yeah, they look like two chicks scratching at each other. Is it like recent Manson? I don't know. I don't know. I just saw the clip.
That's not a celebrity. That's infamous. That's not fame. That's infamy. All right. I don't know. We've got a movie about him. Austin Butler played him.
It's nuts. Uh-huh. It's nuts. My Twitter feed's even worse. I can imagine. Probably doesn't help what I'm clicking on. Sick, twisted guy you are.
100%.
I'm with it.
What's some ravioles?
That penne was dry as shit. Yeah. Not soupy at all.
What room? This is all for the... It's a nursery. Nursery. Doing a nursery. What room is that in the house? That's a garage. What do you mean? It's a goddamn bedroom. Is it a bedroom upstairs? Yeah. How many bedrooms is that house? You ask a lot of questions. What is that, a three bedroom? It's a four. Including the in-law suite. Well, sure. So you got three bedrooms upstairs. Sure. One for you.
Man, when the ant's calling you out. Yeah. Slow down.
How about a black cup of coffee and a grapefruit, huh? How about you mind your own fucking... Have you tried smoking cigarettes?
Giving you diet pills? Man, I love meatballs and mashed potatoes, though. I'll tell you that right now.
You can't get... Who? Meatballs and mashed potatoes? Hey, tough guy, relax. It's meat and potatoes. Just Italianified. All spaghetti sauce really is is a sauce. That's basically meatloaf. Is meatloaf and mashed potatoes okay?
It's a heavy... No, but they dance together. They go together.
Fair enough.
With a side of slaw.
Oh, buddy. You're speaking my language. I love nothing like a fucking big fucking bowl of dinner rolls. Love it. Right at the end, next to the salad, only ranch dressing. Let's go.
I would assume you stay away from the soup if it's offered in those situations as well.
It's got the cellophane over top of it. Looks like hospital food. Yeah. I just have a colonoscopy. Get out of here with this. Give me the meatballs. That's nice, though. Grandparents probably want to eat that so you don't fall asleep, you fat little bastard. You'll be asleep in the car. Uh-huh. Not a ravioli guy. Can I tell you that? Have I told you this?
I just want to go on record now. I'm not crazy about the just cheese ravioli. Now, they do the specialty ones like a pumpkin ravioli.
As a side?
You wouldn't have big ravioli. You wouldn't have big raviolis for the table.
Some happened. Something happened. This was probably the late 90s. Yeah. Somebody started selling them.
Uh-huh. An office. Sure. And now the baby.
Is that like something from school? Yeah. Yeah. We'd get bags of them. Yeah. In the sheets.
I never understood that. When they would make baked ziti, everything was cooked. Throw that shit in there for 10 minutes. Be like, ah, you got to wait 45 minutes until it's done. It's already cooked.
Okay.
We've been down this road before, my friend.
So what did you. A bed for Hans. What did you decide on which room for the baby? Because that's big. That's going to be his room. You know what I mean? Yeah. Did you pick a good one for him?
Now that's an odd pairing.
I'm a tortellini man. You could really go nuts with those.
Yeah, because you can't figure out.
Remember when you started seeing the fresh pasta in like the grocer's aisle? I've never touched that. That's like. Eight million dollars.
He never touched that. I never understood it, why it wasn't hard or what the difference was. Probably preservatives, no? Now they have them in bags, which are pretty good. I've had those raviolis in bags. I can't think of the name. It looks like a bag of cookies. They're not bad. I'll do it.
That's all right. I never think I just got the car wash this weekend. I never think it's going to get like you'll be two seconds away from getting out of the car wash. You're like, that's all soap all over it. There's no way this is all going to get off. Sure as shit. Yeah. That's a smart guy who designed those things. Sure. Car washes. Genius. Johnny Car Wash did that. Is that right? Yeah.
Rana was the brand, Luke.
Rana.
That bag.
He's popping up on social media.
Still cranking it out, though.
Giovanni Rana.
Is it far away from your room?
You're about to get pinched. That's great. I thought you meant have him call in, like, why you're not going to be there. That's genius. I mean, that was my take. Get me out of here.
I don't think I've ever used the appendix before. That's a tough one because that ends in surgery. You can't. You got to prove that. No, it went away.
Do you ever know anybody who had their appendix out? Yeah. Really?
Sure. That one there, you got you. Take an appendix over kidney stones. Those hurt. Sure. I don't want either one of them.
But you don't need surgery.
Breaking windows. Yeah. No, my little hole's tighter.
You're real Google heavy.
Yeah, now you guys can see it, though. That's the problem.
We're not going to figure this out. You're on the Wikipedia page. You're pulling up a medical chart.
Yeah, he's got a window. Crank heaters out there. Can he get out that window onto the roof and then sneak down and go meet his boys? Sure. Yeah? Uh-huh. Did he get away?
Six millimeters diameter.
Average.
I had a staircase in our first house where my brother could do it. I tried it. On his butt? I mean, as a kid, I think I would go down... Yeah, like, would slide down like a fireman's pole.
You ever see the guys go down fucking the railings? Like, if it's a set of stairs, like, in, like, a hallway, and you slide down. You don't know what I'm talking about? Like, firemen do it and shit like that. Or, like, army guys. They can hold both railings and slide down. Something in their hands or something? No. They just have like a loose grip. You slide down the things. Very parkour-y. Oh.
I couldn't do it. No, you don't say. No, I didn't have the arm strength. And the first time I tried to slide down the railing at my house, I went right over. My brother could do it as a kid. I remember.
Sure. He could use a couple hits in the noggin. I could slide down my stairs. Like, sit on my butt and slide down the stairs. Quite the athlete. He could fall. Up until I was like 13, I went up the stairs on both hands and feet. Why? I don't know. I was just big on that as a kid. That's how I would climb the stairs. I'd be hunched over and I'd crawl up like a dog.
All tired from all those mashed potatoes. Sleepy.
The sun used to come in right above the door. That's great. Yeah. My aunt's house at the top of the stairs was like a little cutout. You might be a dog. Maybe. And I had a box of toys. You drink out of the toilet. I had a box of toys from my older cousins, and she would be upstairs cleaning, and I had to be on the same floor with her. Otherwise, I'd be getting into trouble.
Rooting through the fridge. Digging into a rice pudding. So I had to stay on the landing and play. You heading to Turkey? What the hell are you doing? I can't say. I had to lay on the landing and play with my toys. Used to take nice naps there. Out like a light. A weird kid. Wake me up for lunch.
Okay.
Liverwurst.
What? Were you staying for dinner? Or you were leaving?
There was a lot of times we stayed there. You probably heard about the raviolis. This kid's going to be all over my shit. Treating it like jail. Talk about a dog. He's got to put it up on a high shelf.
I tell you about begging. He's slapping your snout. I'm under the table.
What did I tell you about feeding the Kevin from the table?
It always sucked when the AC wasn't on but the window would be open and it seemed like the air was going out. You don't know what's happening. It just wouldn't break the barrier to get inside the room. Man, dying for some trade winds. Jesus Christ. Praying a clipper came through.
When there was a weird... I told you when my grandmother was sick, they sent me off to this family's house, and I lived there for, like, two months. And the kids were weird. They had a shed. Pink Floyd T-shirts. I think they were smoking weed. I couldn't tell. But, man, they had, like, dirt bikes and... It was a bad scene. It's like I got sent to join a biker gang or something like that.
I don't know if they were coming back to get me. I was sleeping on a pullout in the middle of their living room. I think I was like four or five. It was fucking brutal. I had the same feeling. It fucked me up. Parents just left me somewhere. My brother got to go to my Aunt Mary, Captain, and Uncle Red's. Treated like a goddamn king. Seemed to be over it. Goes out at the Lipfords in the woods.
Yikes. Shout out to them. That's a dirt driveway if I ever heard of it. Long too, buddy. Real long. Anybody can get you out. Can't hear you scream. Yeah. My mom always throws it in my face that when they came back to pick me up, I wouldn't go to her. I ran over to the ice cream guy. Yeah. I ran over to the, when she came up to get me, I ran back and put my arms around the lady's house it was.
Man, you must have just talked about this in therapy or something. She was feeding me.
They had weird shit for dinner, too. I didn't like it. No meatballs and mashed potatoes.
He becomes quite the little bitch. Why are my french fries green?
Oh, man, as a kid, Mickey D, you should catch one of those.
That's Dawson's. J.B. Dawson's. Oh, I know a J.B. Dawson's as well. Gibson's Bar and Steakhouse.
Yeah. Is that like Chicago? It seems like Midwest.
yeah what a fucking asshole that's a dickhead move dickhead never had any never never no one of the men in my family act like that or do something like that even if it was a nightmare and we've had a couple of nightmare scenarios I told you that played at one place in Philly that we used to like to go to you know what I'm talking about the last time we were there as a family it was a disaster nobody said a word
Listen, I had an aunt that would send things back a lot, but she would always be nice to me. She's I'm sorry. Just I can't. She was very particular. She couldn't have like like the scrapple had to be like very, very well done. Or, you know, if the temperature was wrong, would you mind putting that? She was always sweet about it and a great dipper. But especially the first week.
You're fucking busting the guy. I guarantee you Frank wasn't paying the check either. That's the kind of guy that does that.
Yes.
Very Uncle Frank at home alone. Yes.
You like that.
Wait, my mouth wasn't open.
In front of everybody, in front of the kids, and you're just teaching that generation that. You know? Sure, but I think you're also, like, this kid sees it and goes, oh, I don't.
That's great. Shout out to this guy.
Yeah.
Seems like a situation where he didn't get to keep the money either.
You know?
You have turkey breast calves.
Something. Yeah.
I'm glad my parents weren't like that. What? Like, the only time they ever grifted me was my communion money. I never saw a dime of that. Sure. But otherwise, that was mine. Mm-hmm. You know?
Turkey legs? No, golden oven turkey breast. Yeah. Fucking Dietz and Watson. Talk about bone in.
When I was a kid at 20, I was like getting 100.
Thick slice, though.
Never. We've talked about this. Never had it. Never allowed to go near it.
Michael Scott?
They don't have that over there.
The Chamonix Mall? That's not Sparrow country. Yeah, that's fucking... Yeah, that was like individual... That's Three Toes Pizza.
Is this what you do back there at a home show?
It's right off Route 1. Now that sounds nice. Yes. I bet you they do a nice blue cheese at the Oakford Inn.
Nice wedge salad. I think you're wrong. It's a house. No. Didn't we drive by it when we were in the Lumina? It's a strip club.
Oakford Inn sounds a lot better.
Working there. Working there. Working there. I was always so jealous of that. I feel like you had hotter chicks or something like that in your peer group. There didn't be strippers. Would have been cool.
Pretty good.
It's a family show. I got to go revisit those pictures.
She used to come to the shows, right?
In my dream.
Never a trampoline guy. I was petrified of them, and I couldn't do the things that other. I just wasn't built like that. I couldn't do the flips and shit. I always got scared, and I always fell right through the thing. On the side with the coils. Uh-huh. Ooh, that scratches. That hurts. That's pain.
Yeah?
Watch the windows on the International Space Station.
No one's suing. Now she'd be fucking... That's the metal that went around those things were dangerous. Plus, if you had a screw that went through it or a nut that went through it or a bolt that went through it and then the nut and that rusted, even if it was flat, dude, you'd catch your elbow on that. Scratched.
Only four of them work. I mean, how big? Take a broken one and fix it. Bring it back.
What a fun one. Gang, do us a favor. Go over there. Grab the cards. Hit me. They're going to sell out. We love you. See you next week. Peace.
Is it chest of? Chest of drawers. A chest of. Oh, I thought it was Chester. Like Chester drawers.
It is. A chest of drawers. That doesn't sound right.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's our little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.
A chest of drawers.
I'll get to it.
Nah, but it's not that far off. Did you put it together yourself? No. Did you buy it off Facebook Marketplace?
Bad teeth. Dude, it's like a 5.5 magnitude earthquake right there. What the fuck? I know. What do you mean you know? What happened? The bottom one. Okay. That looks like a John Wick style fight happened moments before this picture was taken. I do.
What?
Because it won't close. They won't close. So you stuff them in there? How about putting less stuff in there? I mean, that looks like you were running. That looks like we were robbed.
We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. Tonight's strip poker night. Okay. So we got to be out of the house. All right. Just heard another guy. Ooh. Which is weird. I wonder if she's going to bluff every day. Ah, shit, you got me. Mike Coase is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode, just the boys, the bozos, and the homies.
Got it off the hinges.
Sell the house.
You can't go in there with a screwdriver and tighten that up? Guy, don't you think I would have thought of that? I don't know what you did. It looks like you fucking tried to throw it out the window. I mean, that's crazy.
Wait, so those towels are where they live? Like, that's how you kept it in there? What do you mean? Were you trying to fix it when you took this picture? That was like I was going to the bathroom and saw that.
Try folding the towels instead of stuffing them in there.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman, and he's the king of the burbs, baby. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan.
The paint looks nice, though. Floors look clean. Those towels look ratty, though.
It looks like you're trying to roll them.
Take a peek, huh? Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's pretty bad, dog.
What's that other door right there? Where's that going? That goes into the bathroom. Okay. All right. Now that makes sense. I thought this was like on the way out to the front door, like in the hallway.
What the fuck? I don't know what you're doing over there. Hey, listen. Point taken.
I'm surprised there's not dishes and shit in there.
Speaking of which, I'd love to be in a position where I know this is a very old sexually is an old school thing. OK, but to have like the plates and dishes in the dining room like old school. What do you mean? Like for a second. We had a dining room at our house in Wilkes-Barre, and my mom had what looked like a briefcase of China, of good silverware. I don't know what happened to it.
A little spackling this weekend, huh?
It probably got hawked. A briefcase? That's what it looks like, is a briefcase. Okay. And it was sitting next to the China cabinet, which had the nice dishes in there that they got from their wedding that we weren't allowed to use. Now they throw them in the microwave and all that stuff. Yeah.
So you want to do that? I don't know. I was watching Seabiscuit the other day, and it was nice. When Red's parents had money in the beginning, they got a plate and put it down. It looked nice. It'd be nice to have that. That's rich guy shit. Maybe it was Bridge of Spies. I can't remember. Busy weekend. All right. Well, sounds like things are going well. Did you spackle the holes up?
Yeah, I spackled. Spackled looked good. What color are you going to paint the kid's room? It's painted. He just spackled.
No, but you got to paint over that now, don't you?
Oh, you paint it after you spackle.
You spackle first, then you paint. So you spackled, then painted the room. What color did you paint it?
Yeah, blue.
What color would you paint a boy's room? I'd put some race cars or something like that.
I don't know. Blue. Maybe.
You get the crib? Ordered. Ordered. Uh-huh. What'd you go with? I forget. Just using those drawers? I got the drawers. Like Kramer. Repurpose it.
Kim, let's talk about open phone. Shout out to open phone gang. Gang, if you're running a business these days, you know that every missed call is leaving cash on the table. When a customer conversation means the world to you, you got to make sure that you stay connected. That's why you need a phone system that will. Do so, and that's why you need Open Phone.
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gang before we get the episode started let's talk to you about mint mobile baby you heard us talking about it one of the best in the biz mint mobile 15 a month when you sign up absolutely fantastic 5g network you like that ryan reynolds sure go look again get mint mobile
That's crazy.
Man, I was on heavy drugs already. A young whippersnapper coming into the world. Sure, that's not something you should- Platinum spoon in his mouth. Old cutlery set. Okay, and you were early 2000s. What? Right? No, mid-90s. Mid-90s. Right.
Get you a sleigh and some reindeer.
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Man, if you're looking to grow your online store, you need Shopify.
We use it.
We use Shopify. You bought a T-shirt, a pack of cards. It's Shopify, baby. Shopify.
Yeah.
Let's make this thing authentic, dude. I dressed the way my dad did every year for Christmas. I don't know if you know what this is.
I did.
Oh, yeah.
I just saw Luke's face.
Yes, sir. Gang, we cannot thank you enough for a fantastic year. We hope everybody's having a fantastic Christmas. I'm tanking over here. What are you talking about? By the time you hear this, I'll be in Hawaii with the family. And I'll be on a nine-hour flight back to fucking JFK. Hey, my bad. I'm mad.
Of course. That's fucking sick, boys. Makes it all worthwhile. Make sure you clean up your paper. I'm not going around cleaning up wrapping paper. Throw it in the fire. Which is the pro move. Yeah, if you had a fireplace, you fucking bastard. We threw it on the neighbor's lawn. For parking in our spot. It's the big one.
Look at you. The Razor Scooter. I want to see you riding that around. I'm taking that for a Sig run. And don't leave that in the fucking driveway. Break my fucking neck. I'm getting home tonight.
That's sick.
They were hot. And in tradition of the mid-2000s, no helmet, no knee pads, no elbow pads.
Take three minutes. Now.
I'll give you that.
Hang on a second.
We were just talking about that a week ago.
Shout out to Ryan D for doing that. Thank you, Diesel. Ryan D also did all the lovely decorations. And all the wrapping of the presents. And all the wrapping of the presents.
Couldn't operate without him. We love our Ryan D. All right. Mr. Pants.
Can open that one first.
I assume we'll be at some Thai restaurant or something like that, whatever the hell's open on Christmas Eve. I'm going to be looking for my bags at Philly International.
Talk to Bezos, dickhead.
Just don't punch too hard. They got asbestos inside.
Yeah.
I can't wait to see how mad they all are. We don't got a reservation or nothing. It's going to be like a Corona commercial. We're going to be sitting on the beach fucking sipping warm beers. Trying to show up, get a reservation.
You and the other girls at the sleepovers. I had one.
I loved mine.
We're going to be watching. Make sure you take good care of it. And then this is your big gift. Okay. Okay? The big one. And then a little something to go with it. Stop it. What? Ruining everything.
I got a goddamn quiche in the oven. It's going to be burnt.
We always had a quiche.
Oh, man. The jam-up Christmas of 2024. Brought to you by H-Foley Incorporated.
Look at you. You work for the school newspaper? Open the goddamn thing. Give me a genre. Come on. Rock?
We got you Glenn Miller's greatest hits. Open it up. We know what you like. Slipknot? Steve Miller Band.
I don't know how these ear things are going to fit in your ears.
The order? Ooh, there's an order involved. These are dealer meal cards. I'm going to be very upset.
Bunch of Weight Watchers fucking protein bars.
I'm excited. I like that there's an order.
This feels like clothes, man. What the fuck? Whoa.
There's pubes on it. Open this first.
Whoa, Simon. You're going to hate it because you're never going to be able to beat it. Wow. Never had a Simon. Cousins always had it. Smart pricks. Trying to embarrass me.
I always wanted one.
Oh, yeah. Push the green.
Yeah.
Oh, God. What the fuck?
That's very nice. I always wanted a Simon. There you go. Look at that.
No.
No way.
Are you serious?
Nah, it's one of the dreadnoughts. I don't know his name.
The dreadnoughts. Oh, look, the dick is broken. That's how you know it's original. Yeah, I mean, they're original.
The Dreadnoughts were Zartan's boys. They G.I. Joes? Yeah, Zartan was a Cobra agent. But they came in like... So these are bad guys? These guys are. This guy isn't. This is... I can't remember his name. Gary. No. Gary Sinise. He's a Native American guy. Hey, how are you?
Let me see. Yeah, that's like Firefly or somebody like that. These guys sound like fucking dorks. Wow, these are original. Yeah. Man. Loose legs.
Yeah, the rubber band. I love when they get loose because that way they can look like they're falling and stuff like that. Yeah, bend their head. Their legs behind their head are really getting all... And then we got the doctor. Oh, that's pretty sweet.
Who the hell's that guy? That's my boy Bill. Oh, this guy right here? This is Snowjob or something like that. Okay. I had his vehicle. It's called a snowball in my videos. Wow, that's fucking awesome. All the 80s kids out there, these are great fellas. That's fucking awesome.
The K-Man did it. I don't know about this dude, though. Guy looks like he's on peyote, dude. Wow. We'll put a couple of these up.
I'll see which ones are my favorites.
Wow.
I can't remember his name, but this guy's a medic. Poor bastard called it a D-Day.
Wow, these are really good. And then this, I can't remember this guy's name.
He runs a very successful casino in upstate New York. No, he had a bird with him. He had a hawk with him. I can't remember his name. Native American G.I. Joe. Like wins with something or... Keep guessing.
God damn answer party. Be paying that till 2026.
Spirit. Are you sure that's not the name of the bird?
Yeah, so he's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. I was going to call him Splitting Sevens. He's a good guy. I think this might, I can't, I don't know who this guy is.
Yeah, I would have, I would like, 10-year-old, 50-year-old me loves it. Sure. What do you got here? It's a pair of rollerblades.
I might start crying.
Dude, that's crazy. Definitely got bed bugs in here.
We might have to put this on the set. That is fucking sick.
Dude, that's crazy.
I wanted the plain, but whatever. Jesus fucking Christ. You fucking snot nose kid. I'm kidding. I got this. We're living in Wilkes-Barre. Highland Drive.
85, 86. Big Christmas. Okay. Got that. Got Smurf towels. Got a tank. Patty hooked it up. Set everything up real nice. Next day, we went down to my cousin's in Bluebell. Stayed down there for a couple of days. Drove back to the house at night. Get there, go into the house. They're bringing stuff in. They're doing this, doing that. We used to keep our German shepherd, Mike, in the laundry room.
He was freaking out when we came in. Oh, I remember this. My dad opens the door. He had scratched the door so bad. Ben's like, what the fuck is up with this thing? Puts him on a leash, starts taking him outside. I'm standing on the porch of my house. Two dudes run past me, run out, go out the back window. Two guys had robbed our house. Cops come. This is the first thing I thought of.
They stole my fucking G.I. Joe headquarters. Oh, shit. Yep, because it was all set up. I went over. The boys were safe. Took my mom's wedding ring. And a necklace that a dead mother had given her. My dad's head stash of PKs was gone. He got the floor safe. Yeah, I remember the cops came.
And, dude, I couldn't sleep that night because we went upstairs into my parents' bedroom and the curtains were hanging. And you could see a mark where a guy had pulled the curtains because he saw us come in. That's what I'll think about every time I play with this. Jesus Christ, man, you are. This is great. You are trauma wrapped up. This is fucking great. G.I. Joe Headquarters.
I can get some other stuff and put it in. I'll put the tank in there. I'll get the chopper to put behind it. Yeah. Woo-wee. I should set up a little playroom here.
I should.
Where am I going to eat my sandwiches?
That's great. Yeah. Happy? I'm ecstatic. I feel like you've got the short end of the stick.
Here, you can have that guy. No, this guy don't belong. I'll waterboard this guy. Fuck him. Can't have this guy. What's this guy? Snowjob? That's sexual. Something like that. It's a snowball. The snowman. Snowjob. Snowjob. See? What about the medic? Can you give me the name of the medic? Medic. African-American gentleman. Doc. Doc. There you go. Real original. I don't know how to know this guy.
We got Spirit. And then this dude looks like the dude that the Predator got. I can't remember his name, but I know he's a good guy. And I know this is a... Dude, these are... Man. Let me tell you something. You could do so much with them. All right? When the Star Wars one... I'm so mad I got you.
We tried to get your dad in here, but he said no. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'll do it for a carton of smokes. The Star Wars toys sucked. They only went like this. You couldn't really play with them. But then these came out, and fucking they could do everything. Why Star Wars didn't use these? Plus, it was the goddamn 80s. We were in the fucking middle of a Cold War. So it was all war.
And once they loosened up, man, whoo! I'm surprised all their thumbs are still attached. That's usually what went first, is their thumbs broke.
Man, what a home run. Thank you, fellas. That's great. I can't wait to set this up. Diesel! Set up a perimeter.
You got the pizza oven last year.
Will you help me set this up? Obviously.
I mean, I got to say. What?
Hot dog roller and some scratch-offs. Maybe a fist fight or two.
I hoped all the pieces were there. Did they say all the pieces were there?
Yeah. This is what Christmas is all about.
What did you... I want to set this up so bad. What does a Craig go for? Hold on. Let's do Craig last. Oh, this one's yours, too.
Thanks, man. Snow job. I got dudes to man the fucking thing, and I can put him in the jail. There's a jail in there. Things get weird after dark, too. And maybe this guy. This guy could be a good guy. I don't know. Hawk, maybe. Google G.I. Joe. Are they G.I.? That's G.I. Joe. These are all G.I. Joe.
G.I. Joe with Hawk head. Hawk helmet. Hawk head. Now, there's a hawk. I think it's just his name is Hawk. Now, does he look like this dude?
No, General Hawk is a different guy. He's a fucking high and tight guy. He got a nice haircut. He was the one running the whole show. Which they were really just mercenaries. When you think about it. They're mercs. Black ops. Tier one guys. Fuck you up. You don't want them looking for you. Plus Spirit, he'd track you down. Find a fucking bag of blow at the tunnel. Straighten me out. Doc's sweet.
Got Doc taking care of me. Now I need weapons. I'm going to need a pack of guns. Okay. I'm going to need to get... Because there's two parking spots there. Yup. There's the part for the tank, and I'll get the fucking little truck. The little 4x4, the Jeep. Hummer. Four Hummers, though.
What do you got?
I get the helicopter, too. That's why I need the tank, the Jeep, and the helicopter. That's the shipment...
Man, originals. That's crazy.
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah. That was the big one. Thank you. Mm-hmm. $305, I'm guessing all the pieces aren't there. What? No. $500 mint condition.
In my chat rooms. Patty got me all the pieces. Patty wouldn't get me shit.
Overseas tax getting you. Got these tariffs going.
Listen, we thought the Craig was going to be a little more impressive. And the Sony wouldn't arrive on time. We were looking for at least four minutes. I know. The 90s were also very.
But you fucking screwed me.
Your real gift is coming.
Luke, suck his dick real quick.
That's what I get you for Christmas.
She did it very... Screw him. It was so coordinated and so structured. Did you do one for one? One for one. Back and forth. Talk about edging. Back and... Talk about blue balls. Back and forth, which was great. It was only that one year. He got this blue airplane. I've told you about it. Got a big fight about it. And then we each got our big gifts.
And then we had to set them all up and make it look presentable and leave it there. But I love that. I remember like the day or two after Christmas. Like, all right, take your toys upstairs. Fuck. Because it was all set up nice. And you could lay under the tree with trains. And I'd lay on my belly and I'd fucking play with my toys. That had about 4,000 calories in me, too.
Sure, a lot of syrup fingers going on.
Syrup. I'd be all bloated from quiche and fucking wicked heartburn. You were doing quiche. Well, we eat quiche every year. I told you that. Interesting. Every year there's a quiche.
Always. Yeah, that's nuts.
If the bird's covered.
You had this party. Yeah. Did everybody show up wearing PJs?
Throw him a couple of huns for the lawyer.
You don't need a Tamagotchi, I'll tell you that. He changed the date on that. That Craig, though, would probably go for a couple hundred bucks on a joint. Yeah, right. A lot of guys want to listen. They got MP3 players and stuff in there. No one's banging Craig's. No? Uh-uh. I didn't know it was a Craig. That's Luke. That's on Luke. Oh, yeah. Luke don't care. I probably know he doesn't.
gone. Later.
Doesn't plug in. You need a Euro adapter.
Dude, that's a man's man. Mine goes in there, too. Really? Yeah. I don't know how to fucking. I'm not driving down. I'm not driving with a fucking tree on top of my car. That anxiety of it. It's going to fall off and kill somebody. Don't sue us. Your collision, your liability. No, that was in the car.
Yeah. I mean, but you're now you're you do that now because you get a small tree. No, it's big. I mean, it's it goes up. It goes in between the seats.
Yeah. I don't know how to fucking tie something to the roof of the car. Throw them 20 bucks. They'll do it. I never thought about that.
He wants to have beers with Snake Eyes. I forgot the Snake Eyes. Somebody gave us a nice Snake Eyes on Route 66. I've had it in the house. I've got to bring it in. I put it aside to bring it in specifically for today. I'll get it up on the set.
I respect the vendetta. If the man has his reasons.
I think it's well-documented that you are. What? That you enjoy a grift. No, I don't. A case of water. What? A case of water. What case of water?
Just a thin layer of plaid separating from you. I got a nightie.
Plus, it probably really juices the kids up. We're going to lose a steel tree. That's pretty good.
Ricky, you don't have your credit card on you. That's pretty good. Yeah, I'm with that.
Yeah.
Oh, sorry about that. You got your sheaths on? Yeah. I don't want to disparage the family name by any stretch of imagination, but... I think if you're having company over, you put on a pair of slacks. It's freaking Jesus' birthday. Well, don't take this the wrong way. I'm going to. Don't most of your family drink in their pajamas? Isn't that a normal thing? Come on.
Probably not that bad. It's probably pretty good. Yeah, probably not that bad. Probably tastes like a blue moon. Which I had one of those this weekend.
Delicious.
We went to Devon's Seafood Grill for the last time. Whoa. We met up with... Yes. An old friend of ours. Yeah, a good friend. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was good times. Wow, very nice. A couple of those. Some of them honey biscuits they got. Can't believe that joint's closing.
I wonder if he probably figured out a way to put it back on. Smart guy would. Yeah. Especially an ingenious man such as that. That's two for one right there. That's really good. You could start printing them. Why didn't more people do that? What? Bootleg CDs like that. Was that big?
That only plays bootlegs, by the way.
I think. What were we doing with CDs early in comedy? Why would we, I remember going and like getting a bunch of CDs for something. I don't know what you're talking about. Are we making, like, set tapes or something like that? I don't know. What would we have used CDs for?
Maybe we made, like, a DVD of a couple of sketches. Yeah, probably. Yeah. I think I would shop. A couple of albums.
I stink. Sure. That's a home run.
We do buffet for everything. Yeah, we're always buffet.
Yeah. Our Christmas Day, shout out to my cousin Kelly. She always hooks it up. And she's gotten real good at hitting the crowd pleaser. Some years she'll get it like catered, like from like a local Italian place. But sometimes she'll do it too. She's got the pretzel nuggets. She's got maybe like a Wawa box. Mm-hmm. That might be the Super Bowl, but she does it really nice. But it's all buffet.
We're not Eddie from Vegas Vacation.
Hook it all up. Everybody chill out.
I think if we do – They're real when somebody brings something. What? They get put in their own – I will put this over here.
Those old navy bottoms and a starter jacket.
That's the best Christmas story I've ever heard. Man, talk about perfect for an all-you-garbage Christmas.
The fact that the ants in there.
I think you got a big send-off for the boys. I do. I do. Before we go, real quick, as most of the folks here know, if you're... I feel like you're about to depose me or something.
I'm not good with the technology. Hence the Craig. That's good. As you know, I don't think we did it last year, but the last couple of years before that, I read our version of Twas the Night Before Christmas, the famed Christmas poem. I thought we'd switch it up this year with an original piece. Okay. You know, completely original piece, except for the last line. Sure, sure.
This is a poem entitled A Couple of Days Before Christmas.
Okay. Here we go. It was a couple of days before Christmas. We were day drinking at Tootie's. Pops for Kippy, Luke with a vape, and me, a true gentleman, had a small bag of goodies. Blowing off a little steam, just hanging and chilling, Kippy asked an important question about lunch. Says, what are you boys feeling? I could eat, said Luke, through a pillow of smoke.
Chicken Caesar wrap for me, said I. Bag of sun chips and a Diet Coke. Fuck that, yelled Kippy. I'm thinking of Zah. We'll have Tootie stop at Angelo's on our way home from the bar. But between the traffic and her eyesight, the boys knew it could take her forever. Mix in the Michelob Ultras and pills. God forgive me. It might just be never.
The order was placed and a cash app was sent because Tootie Inc. made a goddamn money and we still owe the rent. Then hours had passed without a word or a call. The pizza place that she picked up a while ago did a bump in the ladies room stall. Our tummies were grumbling and the booze almost gone. Kippy said, I think this broad stole our pizza and money. Jesus, tell me I'm wrong.
Suddenly we heard sleigh bells and a crash on the roof. Tootie yelled, you drive like Stevie Wonder. Good thing you fuck like Babe Ruth. She was laughing her way down the staircase, lighting her heater with a bick. And who's standing beside her? Boys, meet your new uncle, my old flame, Saint Nick. He was as big as a house and wore red head to toe.
He had white stuff all over his nose, and I don't think it was snow. Johnny Carson. Everyone relax. You have nothing to fear. I rolled a blunt in the sleigh and grabbed pizzas and beer. But I got to get out of here, he proclaimed. I got fucking work in the morning. Congrats on the pod and good luck with the touring. He ran out the back door and disappeared like a shot.
But the beer was ice cold and the pizzas were still hot. Don't tell my wife I was here. And if the cops ask, I wasn't. As far as anybody knows, I was in Jersey looking for drones and visiting my sick cousin. And we heard him exclaim as he vanished out of sight. Shout out to all the bozos and the homies. And to all, a good night. Merry Christmas, gang. Love yous. Love yous. Peace!
Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Someone shows up in boxers and a beater. I'm going to take a dump. I'm sorry. I was confused. No, not that one. I know you do the annual Christmas party with the whole family. I thought you meant all them wanting you to show up. You can't be drinking at a fucking VFW in fucking pajamas.
I'm in there with a pipe wrench.
Just on a side note, my algorithm has been serving me up plumber's fiction shit on YouTube. Oh, man, that's fascinating. It's just all my uncles and shit. They're bitching about the glass guy that did the job, and they got me out there on a Friday night. I told them what it was going to cost. They gave me pushback.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. A little show where we sit there with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's good to be classy. Yeah. Or to do just a big old piece of trash.
Smoke cigarettes and burp on each other.
Those Swedish meatball burps must be fucking... Shout out my cousin Kevin.
Instead of doing the elf on the shelf, he puts his finger around the house. Starts moving it. Scares the kids. I apologize. If that's what they want to do Christmas Eve, yeah, you'll be at somebody's house. Get comfy.
Speaking of which, Luke looks like he got fired at the office grocery party. Don't you? Look at you. It's been a dove year. Made a pass at a secretary or something like that. What? She was giving me the eyes. It's the boss's daughter. She's still shaking off from SantaCon. Look at that thing. Look at you. You slept in the back of a Corvette last night. Hickeys all over you? Yeah. I like that.
Yeah, I vetoed it. Hey, can I tell you this? Merry Christmas, boys.
That's right, baby. I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. Merry Christmas to everybody. We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition. She has started the holiday off on the wrong foot. Oh, God. A little trip to the emergency room. Okay. She says it's her back. But I know her guy's out of town. It sounds like drug-seeking behavior. Exactly.
Fucking stalling it.
No, no, I've been wearing it.
Remember that thing last year?
I think I am. Okay. You still haven't used that pizza oven I got you last year.
That's concrete reinforced. Once you get the mold out of the house, you better be fucking putting out Zaz like Chrissy Pizza. I'm looking forward to it.
Yeah.
With everybody? On you, if I'm being more specific. Well, you better. I'm going to be very difficult to be around. Listen, I am known for throwing tantrums. I know. I told the story on Honeydew about the Christmas that I was playing with my brother's toy because I didn't get what I wanted, and my parents ended up getting into a huge fight, and my dad pulled out of the driveway for a couple hours.
And my mom laid there on the couch listening to Lionel Richie. And she got that album that year. I can't hear that song without having a fucking massive panic attack. All night long. Screaming. Hello! Just sends me right into it.
What the security guard at Lankanall told me. My co-host is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. And I'll tell you what, he's a gift that keeps on giving all year long. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Smell like a goddamn forest fire in there. Nothing like a heater in the winter. Reeking when you walk back in. But yeah. Okay. So we did it. We did it. Please explain. We did it according to our childhood age bracket. So you guys got me stuff from the 60s. Got me some lead paint. It's a cup and ball on a string. Yeah. The Bay of Pigs play set. Just got your roll of pennies to pitch.
Goddamn Kennedy really screwed them, huh? There's no air support. Talk about a screw job. Uh-oh, Castro's taking the beat. He's coming in and lose your turn. Jack Ruby doll? The deep cut? I don't think so.
I want to be Governor Connolly. That was a deep call.
Hey, gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page. I'm not even lying, I just shit my pants.
You saw that, huh?
Get a pizza. All right. Mike O's is coming at you from right next to me. Slightly amused this week. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him, and I don't care who knows it. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Do it. By the way, I keep going to like imagining somebody just like, oh, I left something in my room. And they go at their party and they see fucking Foley in the chair. He's got the door to the bathroom open. He's like, what's going on? And he's like, I'll be out in a minute. And you're like, oh, fuck, man. He's going to take a shower real quick. Would you be upset? No, I would get it.
I also have the bidet, the built in, you know, the washlet. Yeah. Which is just like once you shit with those. You can't go back. You feel like an animal dry wiping. Right. It's just the greatest thing. So I would be like, yeah, man, run that spray. Get yourself nice and clean. My man. Thank you, buddy. Yeah, of course.
So if you were if you were at a party and you didn't really know the people, I don't know. In a vacuum. Like, say it's, I don't know, some of Christina's friends that you don't really know or whatever, and you really had to go. Are you shitting in that place, or are you going to leave?
Here's the thing.
Because he said he would leave.
I'd go, it's over. The less I'm willing to compromise, like. There's an age where you're like, I'm leaving. I used to never shit on flights. And then you just go, I'm shitting. My body's telling me to shit. You just care less. So I think if the tug was strong enough to like, you got to go, I'm finding a way to go. But I'm also not wanting to shit near people, for sure.
I would definitely try to find a different part of the house or wherever to do it. I might even look for another building. I'm just going. But I'm going somewhere.
Hopefully the neighbors are gone. That was also something, too. Would you ever go to a party if you got there? Maybe you're there for like an hour. You really have to go. Would you go home, take a dump, and then come back? You know, I remember.
First of all, you have to. Everybody would know. It's got to be a good party. You've got to have Kirk Fox on to tell you his shitting at a Hollywood party story. I love that. It's unbelievable.
I love that Kirk Fox.
I remember when I was a sophomore in college that there was a part of the campus called Price Village, which is like all these tandem housing units. So it was like me and a guy here, a shared bathroom, and then another two guys here. Gotcha. Across the courtyard was a girl who lived in one of those named Mary Lynn. And Mary Lynn, Mary Lynn Berkley was her name. Shout out to her.
Shout out to Mary Lynn. I don't know how you're doing. Was this like kind of hippie sexy chick. And I go over to her place. We're hanging out and like a little bit of kissing. And then she's just like. And in that moment, I'm like, I have to shit so bad. And I know I can't. It's not the kind of shit. It's a full fucking emergency. It's an evacuation. It's an evacuation. Everything's coming out.
You got to dump. And I could feel the gurgles. I know it's going to be explosive, and I know it's going to be mostly liquid, and it's going to be bad. That pin is cold. You might not make it out of the house. I might not make it. And if I was like, I'll just use the bathroom here, she would hear and smell like a catastrophe, right? I've done that. So I did this thing.
I was like, I'm telling her, as my body's telling me, you have to shit in less than three minutes. I'm like, I got to go study. We have a test tomorrow. And she, meanwhile, is like putting moves on me. Throwing it at you. So she's kind of like, really? I'm like, yeah. It's an early one, and I really got to study. But I wish I could stay. I have to go have explosive diarrhea with a boner. I cross.
the courtyard i take a as i'm the guys in the the shared they go what the is going on in there right because they can hear it and i'm like dude this is they're like they're like laughing and like people are howling about the that i in theory was going to take at her place yeah right devastated So I just I clean up. I'm like, that was the fucking worst shit of my life.
And it doesn't even occur to me to go back after that. I'm like, I'm too, you know, exhausted. And the next day, her friends are like, you're a really special guy. Yeah. And I was like, what? They're like, we heard that you were like, you didn't want to move too fast. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was trying to take my time with her. Take my time with her. I don't want to rush into things.
And, gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today, the godfather of RU Garbage over here. Hey, capo de capo. The boss of bosses, El Jefe. He's got a brand new series coming out on Netflix, May 13th, Bad Thoughts. We know you've seen the teaser. Wait till you see the trailer. Absolutely unbelievable.
I had like 15 Cokes. Throw a bacon, egg, and cheese on top of that.
You want me to suck your dick? That's me to her. I heard one time I was at a girl's place, and they had roommates, and I heard the girl take just her morning growler. Yeah, it was fucking horrendous.
Horrendous, dude. We were in Cleveland last week, and we were sitting having breakfast at the hotel, and there was a table behind us, and I had my back to them, and we're sitting there, we're talking, whatever. Yeah. At breakfast, all of a sudden I hear like a caveman burp. I turn around. It's the guy's chick. Yeah. And she's like, excuse me. Goes right back to her ex, Benedict.
I would have divorced her. God damn. But that's good when you can be comfortable around each other.
Jesus. Yeah.
All right, well, we got that straightened out. There you go. Get to the bottom of it. I think that's a strong enough authority on it. Sure. So I can poop in your master bedroom.
I'm allowing it. It's good to know. Yeah, but again, it's based on our relationship. Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure. I mean, Christina's another issue. I don't know what she's going to say. From what we know about her, I think she'd be okay with it. Yeah, I think she would also be okay with it.
I've ridden shotgun for a couple of these journeys. It ain't good. You might have to repaint. It gets into the walls.
Dude, well, yeah, on your guys, I watched that, your hour special. The Route 66, thank you. Yeah, the Route 66 was very funny. Thank you, thank you.
Is this the trash here? Okay. It was the Ozempies. Yeah. Got me all jammed up.
Are you on anything now?
I'm on naltroxone right now.
What's that?
It's for drug ethics.
This guy one step ahead of the game all the time. Give it up for Tom Segura, everybody.
Really?
Naltroxin? Naltroxone. I could be saying it wrong.
What is it?
It's an anti-opioid, but they have secondary uses for it for overeating.
Yeah.
Not really working. No?
No. But he said it takes a while to set it. We're going to give it another month. It's been three years. To see if it really gets in there.
Okay.
Because the Ozempics and the GLP-1s were not really jiving with my system.
Got it. Okay. Yeah.
And I was telling him before, my issue is something else. It's not just the Ozempic is not going to fix long-term what is wrong. Right.
Yeah. You have to treat the root cause, not just the symptoms. Yes, for sure.
The things that I thought were the problem are actually a symptom of what the problem is.
Look at you.
Thank you. It's good to be back. Thank you for having me. Of course. I love your podcast. I love it, too. Thank you. Are you double-teeing? That's one tee, which is very trashy. You have a dicky tee on?
Got it. That's great. That's progress, man. Thank you.
Yeah. Thank you.
Keep going, though.
Turns out it wasn't the cheesesteak egg rolls.
You know what I mean? And very classy. Put through the ringer multiple times. Still comes up classy. Uh-huh.
Talk about symptom of the problem. Jesus Christ.
That's crazy, right? That's real crazy. Yeah, dude, your dad is fucking crazy.
I never thought about that, to say you had an older brother, but we killed him. I mean, dude, that's fucking trauma.
That's big time traumatizing, dude. I would like to know what else happened in this guy's life.
He ended up being a fan of this show. Yeah, I mean. Definitely some Vyvanse.
That's fucking, that fucked him up. Holy.
That's for real.
Do you know what's crazy?
If I get real pissed off, like really mad. And I'm like, fucking knock it off. The younger one laughs because he thinks it's funny to see this type of emotion. And I'm like, I'm fucking serious. He's like, he starts laughing. And you can't help but laugh. And then the older one has done this thing where I'm like, one time, dude, he was doing some painting shit in the kitchen.
It is.
And then he went downstairs and he put his hands on the wall. So he put paint on the wall. And I was like, hey, what the fuck, man? And I start getting all fired up at him, and he's like, hey, hey. He goes, I'm a kid, okay? You don't need to talk to me anymore. And I go, what? He goes, just talk to me normal. Don't yell. And I'm like, well, what are you doing?
He goes, I've just my brain told me to put it on the wall and I just did it. And I'm like, OK, tell your fucking brain not to do it, not to do that shit. He's like, all I need is you to talk to me in a calm voice. And I'm like, so like it throws you off and then you realize that you're being, you know, like too much. But I haven't had like I haven't.
No, no, nothing. Take him out of the desert and leave him there for a couple hours.
He wasn't really a big screamer.
He wasn't a big screamer.
I think this is more of what I relate this to is when I was a kid, if I was being real bad, my mom would give me the empty threat, but I didn't realize at the time, of sending me to St. Michael's or St. Gabe's. The home for boys. I'm going to have the people. There was a couple of times where we were in the kitchen. She pretended to be on the phone with this wayward house for boys called St.
Michael's. And the guys were going to come and get me and take me to live there.
Yeah. Do your parents do anything like that? No. I mean, my mom's a third worlder. Don't forget that. So she would do shit. Like one time, me and my cousin learned all these Spanish curse words. So we were yelling them. And so our two mothers, like my mom and her sister, grabbed us.
Brian's mom spanked him and he cried and my mom spanked me and I laughed and then because I laughed she was like she took her she had nails she took it my forearm squeezed pinched and twisted till blood came out and I was like ah fuck and she was like I have to do something to it
you psychopath yeah I had that before my mom did that fucking I remember the pinch and twist and I also remember that one of my cousins because when you have like English as a second language parent they don't grasp all the little things she my cousin told my mom that I said crap and that that was a curse word.
And instead of my mom knowing that it's not a real curse, she shoved a bar of soap in my mouth. And I was like, what the? And then my dad had to come home and be like, oh, that's not a bad word. And she was like, oh, sorry.
I owe you one. Cool. Yeah.
Yeah, if my dad yelled, it was a big deal. He wasn't a big yeller.
Scary mind.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. I remember one time he got he got the phone call that my older sister had gotten a crazy speeding ticket and she was doing 105 and a 55. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And he was he was at his dresser and he pulled the dresser out of the wall. It was like a built in because he was like, God damn it. And he just ripped the whole thing came out of the wall. We were like, oh, yeah.
Yeah.
What kind of car was she in?
Honda Accord.
They'll do it.
Yeah. Yeah. Those things would zip. And her explanation, she goes, I was dancing and I'd lost track of how fast I was. Like to a good song. Yeah. She was like, I was just like. That's the last thing. You want to be doing it 105 and dancing.
It's probably an expensive shirt, though. It's so expensive. These rich guys don't know what the fuck they're doing.
That takes the cake.
That's psycho shit.
I mean.
That is really crazy. I also respect the hustle. Me too.
Spot satellites. Write the fucking address down. Get the name. Cold call them. And now we can target people.
How much was that shirt? I don't remember. I really don't. A couple hundred? Yeah, probably a few hundred bucks. No shit.
Holy shit. That's fucking. So she did that as a two part system. One to make money and one to not have to put the kids in daycare.
Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Whoa.
Yeah, I mean, she taught them a lot with that, you know. I mean, took away their childhood. Turned them into door-to-door businessmen. Yeah, but definitely.
That's like going around if your dad, I can't remember what movie it was, the dad owned a glass business, and he would send the kids around and throw rocks in the windows at the storefront to break the windows so he could sell them.
Sell windows? Yeah.
That's great. That's a move right there. That's a really cool thing to do.
I don't know if yours, you know, it's funny you say that. I got to say that. Yeah.
Now, what are you doing these days that you're all slimmed out?
Um, no, I can't say that that happens regularly. No, I mean, it's happened before, but it's not any regular basis. No. All right. Does that happen to you here?
Uh, no.
Fuck no.
There was a guy that wandered into our neighborhood. And one of the neighbors was like, hey, what are you doing? Like didn't recognize the guy. And the guy's like, I live here. And the neighbor was like. he's like, I live right over here. And he's like, no you don't. He's like, yeah I do. And he told the guy to leave, and he's like, don't come back. If you come back, it's gonna be trespassing.
So the guy comes back, and this time he walks into a house, makes a sandwich, finds a cigar, lights a cigar,
Yeah. And then somebody goes to the house.
He answers the door with half the sandwich and a cigar. He's like, what's up? And they're like, what are you doing? He's like, I live here. And they're like, no, you don't. This is not your house. So they had to call the cops. But he just went into someone's house and just was like, I live here. It's pretty great. I mean, the cigar and the sandwich is pretty convincing.
Yeah, I mean, I think the police would have been like, it was clearly this guy's house.
I'm leaning more towards this way. I have been farting so much. What, here? Well, no, I went in there just to fart. Gentlemen, that's respectful. It was like a 15-second fart, though. Okay. I think it's all the protein bars I'm eating. They really let you rip asses. Goddamn bar bills will get you. I'm fucking turning down things I want to eat. That's it, dude. That's the only way I can.
Do the voice.
And it said police on the-
said police department and it is it was the actual police department number like we hung up i had luke i'm like i was on the phone i'm like luke google this he's like that's the police department that's impressive crazy it's so easy for people across the pond to do the american accent figure it the fuck out yeah just do it man yeah learn the accent our batman's british you can't fake a fucking jersey accent
That's how you do it. Dude, and here's the thing, and it's not great. I think I still live with hope. Do you do that? Where you'll be like, oh, I'll look. Like this one day. Yeah, no, you're my goal. Yeah, you're in there. What do you mean? That's not a great goal.
He could have gotten you if he did. Oh, my God.
We just need your social to wrap this up.
Got the van.
I remember that.
Is he your business manager? Yeah. What do you think when you got the van?
And I'm pretty sure I'm the only client of his that calls and says, hey, when's the payment dropping? Is that going through this week or next week?
Hang on.
It's supposed to be the 14th. Sometimes it's the 17th. Sometimes it's the 11th.
I forget that it's our money. I feel like he's loaning it to me. That's hilarious.
Okay. That's not horrible, though.
He's got judgments and fucking delinquents. You didn't just buy a van, did you?
How's yours? What? It's good. The van? No, the credit.
Good. No.
Six something.
Okay.
No, you're around seven. Yeah. No, I went down a little bit. You went down a little bit.
Yeah, I went down a little bit.
That was your first credit card?
I didn't have a bank account.
Ever?
No. I mean, it's off the grid. I didn't have, like, an active bank account. The only bank account... I got started a Navy Federal account... This is a real rags-to-riches story.
Are you not where you want to be?
So having a van's a pretty big account. Yeah, it's pretty good. I got started a Navy Federal account when I was a kid that had five bucks in it for most of my life. I never used it. Throughout certain eras of my dirtbagness, I would have, like, a TD account for a minute. I would overdraft it. I would have to pay it back, close that account. So...
Yeah, the last few years, anything that I got a check, I would take it to a check cashing place and cash it. So it wasn't until we started this where I was able to open up, carry a balance. Yes, open up my Navy Federal account and start doing this.
And then you have savings and investments and all that too now?
What's that?
I'm sorry? Did your guy make like – No.
Oh, okay, okay.
Like a finance guy. I got an Acorns account.
Nice. That's a good start. Me too.
Cash on hand is good. Yeah.
You're all crypto? For real? I'm Bitcoin and XRP, baby. I got it all in Hawaiian shirts. Shit.
Live by the gun, die by the gun. How great's the van? Awesome. Buddy, we're done flying, I think.
Comfort.
Comfortable chairs.
Better than first class. We just did an episode from it.
No kidding. Yeah, most people. By the way, I remember this from just like a couple weeks ago. I did MSG. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Jimmy Miller, who I work with as a manager- Of course. Comes over. We have a dinner afterwards.
It should be bigger. I mean, big boys drive conversion vans.
That's true. It is a big man's vehicle.
And you're giving me this fucking medium seatbelt? It's cutting into my neck. If we got into an accident, I'd get decapitated. Can you get it redone?
Can you get a different seatbelt in there?
Maybe.
I should get one of those roller coaster things.
Hell yeah, dude. You can make that all fucking VR.
You've got to lean in hard.
Yeah, you guys are making money doing this.
Yeah. That's not too bad. My mom did that to me once. She cock-blocked me. This was years and years ago. Yeah, I was in college.
We had a wedding, and I was dating someone at the time and met this girl at the wedding, whatever. We were at the after thing at my cousin's house, and we ended up out in the backyard or whatever, smooching and all that kind of shit. My mom came out, what are you doing? You have a girlfriend. Get inside. Oh, shit. Blew up my spot.
You two-timing motherfucker. Wow, dude.
That's kind of unforgivable for mom. Yeah, very. Were you pissed? Very pissed.
Yeah. I'm a fucking grown man. What are you doing? You're disgusting. Get in the car.
grab me out by my ear yeah that's a bummer that's a tough one to bounce back from i had a friend do it once that was like really yeah we were in boston and this was like right at like just out of college and he and his girlfriend were in the car and then i was in the car with one of his cousins and her friend okay
and I was in the back, and they were both getting handsy on the ride back to their place. And then I was like, I got out with them, and he was like, no, no, no, man, you can't, don't do that. I was like, what? He's like, it's my cousin. I'm like, you don't even talk to this cousin. He's like, no, but just don't.
Wait, could it have been a threesome situation?
That's what I thought. What the fuck? You can't do that. Yeah, I still remind him of it all the time. Yeah. He's like, I don't really remember. Yeah, that's when you choose to forget. That's fucked up. You threw a fucking wrench in there.
One-on-one, I could maybe see it, but when you have an opportunity for that.
Don't do a threesome with my cousin and her friend. I'm like, cool.
I mean, Tom, you're welcome at a family party.
Just don't do it in the master bedroom. Just not the master. Yeah, it was a real bummer, man.
Would that cross the line? What's that? If you were having a party and me and my wife disappeared and we were up there doing it in your bed. That seems crazy as adults.
That seems crazy. Like, go get a hotel room. I literally would be like, there's other rooms you can do this in. You don't have to do it on my bed. Yeah.
Much less. Much less. I think that's fine.
Would you ask us to leave the party? No. Fuck no. No, I'd be like, dude, you're a fucking animal. But just like... Tom, you want in on this? Tom, you want to get that threesome finally? Not on my bed. Sure. Yeah, that's insane. I got your clothes on. It's crazy. It's crazy. You wouldn't want someone fucking on your bed, right? Of course not at all. Come on.
Not at all. Especially me. Break the slats on that thing. Oh, my God.
I just want to see it, yeah.
Because here's the thing. We're so used to seeing the pros do it, and you know you don't look like that when you do it. It's not good. I'm sure it's awful what I look like.
She keeps saying yes.
I look like an octopus on a runway. Fucking have it say. It's bad. Just flapping around. No good.
It didn't go through. No, dude, that's insane. I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer. What you may know as the upper atmosphere. It stayed within the molten core of the butt cheek. The underwear, on the other hand, didn't make it.
That's awesome. If that's on the Patreon, I'm signing up, too. That's a $20 level, yeah.
Payment's coming. If I did all cash, I'd get a better deal on all cash. Sure.
What would your lady say, though? What are you, nuts? She'd fucking divorce me. Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, she'd be out. We'd have to find another girl. She gets to split the eight grains. We'd have to call your buddy's cousin up.
And then he goes, then the next thing he goes, and so he goes, so you're 52. And I go, what? What? He goes, you're 52? Like that, like you're 52? And I go, I'm 45. He goes, Oh, okay. Forget I brought it up. He's like, just so you were like five years old. I go, wait a minute, why did you think I was 52? He's like, I just looked at you.
He just said $7,500. Uh-uh.
No. Yeah. She probably wouldn't do it for a billion. Oh, Jesus.
Yeah. One of those. Yeah. Okay. Just too much dignity. Yeah. Yeah.
To have people watch? Yeah. Who's watching?
The two of you?
I know. I don't know, man.
Three million? Cash?
Yeah, fuck yeah. Yes.
And now we can't go less.
You already threw it out there. That check's going to bounce.
Joke's on you.
I've already taken a dump in the master bedroom. We're out the door. You start writing checks for crazy amounts, giving them to people. I got a sandwich and cigar in my hand. I live here.
This is all fucked up.
That the grandmother, that I think whoever they think.
Yeah.
No one can be trusted.
There's real crazy stories like this.
Yeah. I don't understand. And that shit was so popular like five years ago, six years ago.
Everybody was doing it. And the saddest thing is that it keeps catching killers, you know? Like you get like... These guys are, like, getting away with it, and then all of a sudden some fucking DNA works. Get you jammed up. Yeah, it gets you real jammed up.
Because that could actually jam up you if you were the killer, but, like, say your wife did it or somebody. That's exactly what's happening.
The California. The Golden State Killer. Yeah, the Golden State Killer. The Golden State Killer was caught that way, so. That old guy in the wheelchair. The old guy, his cousin, somebody.
And they go, it's a male on this side of the family. And they kind of go, all right, well, here's all the possibilities. And then it's like, here's a male of this age. Who was in the town at the time. Yeah.
So how does that get to the cops? So the cops automatically look at all those?
Well, the cops like it's a it's a thing where, you know, there's privacy issues involved. Right. Sometimes you have to have like supply warrants to to go through information to access it. But like it is obviously it's helping catch people because you're You're essentially expanding your database, right?
I was like, everybody always has, since I was 17, has been like, when I was 17, I didn't even have to get a fake ID. I had a fake ID, but I would walk in and they'd be like, what do you want? Just like this? I looked like this. People were like, 27? I'm like, I'm 17 years old. And it's never changed.
Before you would go, hey, let's put it into the known convicted criminal database, and now you're putting it into a database of like, yeah. If you have a shred of DNA, that helps you a long way if you can access this data.
Plus I read somewhere recently that they're going to sell all that stuff eventually.
Yeah, they got all that shit scooped up. That's right. I think it was 23andMe or one of them.
Blackstone? Yeah. BlackRock. The grill? It's a different one. It's a different. No kidding. Yikes. All the blacks. I thought it was bad when they had your email.
Now they got a cheek swab?
Nope. Yeah, it's pretty crazy.
I ain't French.
I got a lot of French Canadian. Really?
Well, it's because my dad's mother, her family is French Canadian. So his middle name was Nadeau, which is a family name. Wait, you didn't do the 23andMe, did you? Yeah, I did. Oh, you did? I did do it, yeah, yeah. Whoa. I mean, I did it years ago. I was like, oh, I want to know what this is, you know, and- Yeah, I have a huge... I can't believe you're not in handcuffs.
Yeah, is this how you get caught? Could be. 50% of my blood is Iberian, like Spanish blood, because both of them have Spanish roots. I didn't know your dad did, too. Yeah, so they both have Spanish roots. And then it was kind of... The big surprise for us was how much Irish and English blood there was. Really? But that's from...
Like your bloodline kind of getting mixed up here for generations, right? Yeah, for sure. We had a bunch.
It goes all the way back. Yeah, that stuff's no good, man.
No good. Don't want to know. Don't want to know. I don't want to know. I'm Irish.
I know I'm not Italian or something.
But wouldn't that be crazy if you did the swab?
Then I got ripped off because I got a little wiener.
Yeah. I know I don't have any Italian in me. I'm all Irish, baby. Let me tell you. Fucking top to tails. Potato dick. You got a nice hog on you?
What? I don't know.
I say the same thing whenever anyone sees my dick, which is, believe me, it gets smaller. I have seen it get so goddamn small before. So, yeah, it's a real grower.
Didn't you have one of those, like, couldn't it be, why isn't it like this all the time? Why, just give me half of this.
Yeah.
Yeah. You take those D pills? No. Never? You've never tried one? Blue Chews? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Shout out to Blue Chew.
Yeah, yeah. That's what I get a lot. I'm 49, and I always thought you were older than me. And I would 100% guess that you're younger than me. Really? I would never assume that you're older than me. Huh.
But here's the thing. It takes you to another level that you don't think you need or want, and then you'll try it, and you'll be like, oh, my God. It's like high school boners all over again. Like they're pointing at the ceiling. Sure. It's crazy. I'll take one when we do our video shoot. I will pay extra for that. Give you a good show. You should take one just to see what your wife thinks.
Okay. Yeah. You hear that, babe? She's still unimpressed. I think you need more. Like, this it? Taking that wrong?
She's German. She's German.
You're saying I love you in German and all that stuff?
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Spanish, and then I've been taking Italian for a couple years now, so I do that on my own.
We need to do that. Pretty good. Got the van.
Get you some new shirts.
The van's a huge fucking deal.
Yeah, there you go. You don't got a van.
Tried to run in a Porsche. Yeah, like a loser. That's true.
Yeah.
Six. No.
No. I think like 10 or 12 or 13, something like that. Nice. Yeah.
You carry yourself in a fatherly man's man type of way. It's a double T kind of way. Minus the double T. You have a nice jacket out there covering the double T. I did have a jacket on.
Not a van, though. You got Matt. You know Matt. Oh, we were talking about Matt. Smoking tires. Oh, Matt. Yeah, Matt's fucking... He's the man.
Send us two nice watches. Yeah, he knows watches, and he really knows cars. He is like a fucking encyclopedia. It's really crazy. Like, just off the dome, you just mention something... He knows everything from how that car was built, what the suspension is, the price, how many miles you should sell it for. He knows all of it. Get my seatbelt fixed. He could get your seatbelt fixed immediately.
There you go. He would know who to call. He knows the part in them. Fabric store or something. Raymour and Flanagan's.
Give me your snacks. That's brutal, dude.
Holy shit. The other kids are more traumatized to this day.
That's right.
You look sharp in your jackets.
I know we saw a real ghost.
Fat Casper. Dirtbag ghost.
Man, wandering around a graveyard trying to look for kid ghosts to play with you.
Thanks, man. Thank you.
And is he doing the math on Tombstone? Yeah.
Not that you don't look sharp now.
I mean, we've heard a lot of this is the I got to tell you, this is somebody I would follow up with. I feel like I feel like I think you need more.
No, I appreciate it.
I don't know why you think you're offended.
Holy shit, man.
What a home run. Mr. Segura, thank you so much for coming in and sitting down with us. Thank you guys for having me. We love you. May 13th, Bad Thoughts on Netflix. Absolutely fantastic.
Thank you.
Can't wait to see it. Congratulations. Appreciate you guys. We love you. Yeah, man. We love you too. And we appreciate you. Kippy, what do you got for us?
Back to my original question. Now that you are slimmed up and stuff like that and you're coming into your final form, are you... How did you come across that shirt? Or where are you getting your clothes?
Are you a shopper? I've had two things done where, like, I go out and, yeah, I just walk into stores and I just get things that I just grab.
Sometimes. Not always. Sometimes I just hold it up and I'm like, this seems right. And then sometimes I go, this was a huge mistake. I should have tried this on.
Is this sporadically or is this like, okay, it's a shopping day?
No, it's not a shop. It's more just like, yeah, walking around. You just walk by something.
If you're on if you're in town somewhere.
Yeah, yeah. Like this is like normally this is a quick trip. But like for me, coming to New York, you go like, oh, there's everything here. So one afternoon I might be like, oh, I'm going to stop in a few stores and like because you guys just have everything.
Will you set something up? Will you have somebody, an assistant or somebody set it up? Hey, let them know I'm coming in. I've done that. Yeah, you have. I like that you operate like that.
I have done that. Not the usual bums we got walking around this dump. I did have, in London, I had them do that, and that was cool. Whoa. You tell the guy, I told the guy stuff that I like, and then you just show up, and they have racks of just stuff in your size that you like.
Are you like, fuck, I got to – I used to, but not anymore.
Yeah, I just go like, oh, I'm not getting – like I used to feel like, oh, somebody did something I have to do. I just only would get something I want.
I appreciate your hospitality. Of course.
We have some stories. We have some stuff from the homies and the bozos, the listeners there. But something that has come up over the last couple of weeks, which started out, it's a multiple part scenario that I want to hit you with. Okay. First off, I want to say, Kevin's a new homeowner. He has a home. Congratulations. Thank you. Appreciate that. It's awesome. Thanks. We were down there.
It's a dump, but sure. We were down there, and we were looking around the house. His wife was like, check the place out. We went upstairs to see it. A lot of the rooms were closed. The doors were closed.
The doors were closed in this new house. Yes.
The doors are closed in this new house. Upstairs.
Okay.
First part is, if you were doing that and checking it out, would you open those doors?
If you were a guest, yes.
So let's say you go to Bert's house. Yeah. You open a door. If Bert had a new home, but the doors were closed upstairs, kind of hinting we don't want you to go in there.
Well, here's the thing. If there's one door closed, I might be like, okay, this is one. But if there's like four doors closed, I'd be like, what's going on in the fucking room?
All right.
Which leads me to the real question. Okay. Okay. Let's say you are at a function, a Christmas Eve, something like that. Maybe not family. Okay. Okay. And you are in there, the party going on. You have to use the facilities. Okay. Where are you going to do that there?
Yeah, I want to go out of the way. So, of course, you get the furthest. So possible.
Okay. Now we're getting somewhere.
Okay. So where's that going to be? It's probably upstairs.
You're going to go upstairs.
Probably upstairs. Yeah.
Do you think that's okay?
I mean, if what I know is in me is going to come out, it's best for everyone to go away for this possible distance. I concur with that.
That's insane. That's insane? I mean, it's, well, if you were at, it depends which scenario we're in here. So if I'm at Bert's house, I would just be like, yeah, I'm going to your room. I'm blowing your bathroom off.
We all agree that social norm is not in a vacuum. That's where you'd want to go. Yeah, but hold on. If we're in the scenario of your life. It's Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve and you're like.
I would just tell him. All right. Here's the thing. Every Christmas we have Christmas at my cousin Kelly's. OK. And every Christmas, you know, I mix company. I eat a lot. OK. And usually at some point it's just in the evening. I have to use the bathroom. Their bathroom is right next to the kitchen. So I can't go there. I can't go there. Then that's for everybody. Then there's the bathroom.
I agree. I'm not saying. I say you should go home. That's it for you. Christmas is done. Then there's the bathroom upstairs, okay, where, like, the kids' rooms are. Like, that's, like, the kids' bathroom. The hall bathroom. But the kids are up there playing, running around, all that stuff. So I don't want them banging on the door. I usually go into their master bedroom. Wow. It's crazy.
Which those doors are usually closed. He's breaching the door. For this function. Yeah. And I go into their master bedroom, bathroom, and I poop there. Yeah. Yeah. And they think that's a faux pas.
Who thinks?
Kelly? No, me.
Kelly doesn't know about it.
Kelly knows about it now.
Yeah, no, it's wild. But I mean, it's it's also again, it's so direct. The answer is so directly correlated to your relationship with the person.
OK, like if you and Kelly are like she's your cousin, if you're longtime like, you know, cousins growing up and it's like there's a there's a certain closeness, I think it that's when you know, like I would do this to certain cousins of mine because we're like siblings and I would do it to my siblings in a second.
But if it's like, you know, a cousin I see every six years, that's a different – you know what I mean? I think it's all predicated on how close are you to Kelly.
So what would you do if you really had to go? See, I feel like I'm doing the best thing for everybody involved.
I kind of get it. I kind of understand you are.
Yeah.
We're at your house for a party.
I'd be like, go downstairs. I'll ruin the party. There's a good layout for shitting in the house. You got to sneak away shit. Yeah, there's a couple of good ones to get away.
Now, if you did have a house party, would those rooms be closed up? Would you have the bedroom doors closed? I mean... The Master would probably be closed.
Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Locked? Not locked. I'm getting in. You're getting in. Not locked. Locked is insane. Like, who are you having over? That's crazy. He does like to go through medicine cabinets. I do, yeah. You ever found anything good in there? Goddamn, we're going to have that.
Still got something on me.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. Back in the day. There was a time he didn't really discriminate against prescriptions.
Dice had the best fucking thing that ever happened to me. So, you know, people, you know, you guys do shows and people go like, hey man, I got you, you know, I made this hat. Awesome. And like the fan artwork.
Yeah, exactly. And people are usually like, You know, they're saying super sweet things to you, and you get all this stuff, and you're like, oh, cool, thanks. And we have it, too, like a lot of it on set. I'm doing this signing a few weeks ago. This guy comes up to me, and he's like, hey, man, you know, here you go. And I'm like, what? He goes, open your hand. And I'm like, sorry?
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
Because he's like mumbling. And he's like, your hand, open your hand. And I was like, oh, okay. And then he just shakes my hand. Dude, he gave me two Vyvanse. What's Vyvanse?
Yeah. Okay.
No, they're like in a little container. And he was like, it's Vibant. And I was like, bro?
You're the best guy I've ever met. Vyvanse is my fucking favorite. Really? Oh, man. You got a prescription to that? No, I'm trying to. I've switched doctors, and I've tried to, and they all turned me down. And you took it? How do you know what it exactly was? It could have been anything. You can see it.
This guy tried to give me blow one time in L.A., and he wouldn't let me take it.
No. Listen. Blow's a lot more scary these days, though.
It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that if they're good to be classy, but they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We are out back here at Tootie's in the new addition. She's out in the backyard catching squirrels. Okay. Stay away from the chili tonight. Order in.
Have you ever had a Vyvanse?
I never have either. It's great if you're nodding over there. You've had it. Fan. Big fan. Big. And the big thing I learned from a regular Vyvanse user is have your mission set for the day. He's like, don't just take it and watch a show. You got to lock in. You got to be like, today I'm doing X, Y, Z. It's like limitless. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm surprised you can't get your hands on a script at your position. I've tried, dude. Really? I've been turned. Because, like, one physician was like, well, there's some cardiac risk. So I don't want. And I'm like, whatever, dude. So I went to another doctor. That doctor was like, well, we need to, like, get. That is drug CBC behavior.
Hold on. You don't got a doctor feel good on the payroll?
No, man.
You're doing it wrong, man. I know. I figured you were waking up with IVs, going to bed with IVs.
I like IVs. Purple fall the whole nine yards. I get IVs pretty regularly, and I have some good contacts there.
I'm putting a call out to some Vyvanse people out there.
Nurse practitioner.
Hey there gang, do you want to come to an RU Garbage live show and ask your question? Sure you do. Good news for you, back on the block tour tickets are on sale. We're talking about a nice stand-up comedy show, plus we play AYG with the crowd, so grab the squad and come out and see Kippy and I.
How do you pitch that to your mom?
And a churro if you play your cards right. Kit, let me tell you about Pretty Litter. Shout out to the prettiest litter. Let me tell you this. Not as a cat owner. Me as a cat owner. I love my little stinky binky. Being inside with the cat this time of year can get a little stinky. That's why you get Pretty Litter. All right? That's why we use Pretty Litter over at my house.
They sent it to us when we first signed up to advertise them. They sent us a bag. We fell in love with it. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Every month, Pretty Litter coming in. We love it. There's something wrong with the cat. The crystals turn color. So you find out it's got a urinary tract infection or something like that. It smells great. Not a lot of dust. It's lightweight when we carry it upstairs.
I cannot say enough to you folks about Pretty Litter. If you got a kitty cat in the house, get Pretty Litter.
Let's talk about Rocket Money, baby.
Something like that. That's a kickflip into what are you doing? Okay. Do yourself a favor, gang. Get over to Rocket Money and start saving money today.
Yes, sir. And, gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a very funny stand-up comedian, actor, and podcaster, an OG of ours from Philadelphia. One of my first friends singing in stand-up comedy. When Moses wore short pants, we were hanging out, running around the streets of Philly together.
So multiple trips to Disney World.
It was like 12 beers in 90 minutes. They do it right down there. They really do it right. What was the grocery store that your mom went to growing up?
Sounds like a killer clown's name. Don't close your eyes. Zingo's going to get you.
Grandparents. Your grandparents would.
That's probably not a bad gig. Go over there. Grandma put something out for you, a nice little snack.
It was fucking fantastic. He's got a hot Bud Light commercial out right now you've got to check out. I forgot about that. He killed it. Saturdays, Sundays, college, pros, he's all over the joint. And you can hear him every week on his amazing podcast, Little Stinkers. Give it up for John Del Calo, everybody.
You could tell there was no caffeine in there.
Caffeine-free Pepsi, diet caffeine-free Pepsi, soda, whatever. Diet root beer was huge with them. And I remember diet chocolate soda being a big thing with grandparents.
That's fucking. That's hamburger.
That might as well be fried rice down there. All right.
And would you just eat together as a family every night?
I didn't know you didn't have a TV. Where was the gaming system?
Was that a big Christmas present?
Okay. What was the first concert?
Get the fuck out. You're all wrong. I apologize for everything I said up until now. You saw Oasis.
Can I recommend something? Yeah. As a fellow follicle man? Ogie's. Mayonnaise. Castor oil. Have you heard about it? No. Isn't that for cars? No. It was, I think, to make you throw up when you were a kid. A little castor oil in there. It's nice. It's better than any of those hair gels or the pomades or whatever. A little bit of castor oil. You're more follicly gifted than me.
There I am, delivering packages on foot. Okay. What was your first car?
Good condition when you got it? Oh, grand.
Was it in good shape when you got it?
Do you remember when you got it?
Really? Now, is that a hand-me-down straight, or was there some money exchange?
And now you said nobody parked in the shared driveway, so you're parking on the street?
Was there tickets? Was there alternate-side parking?
Let's get into that. Let's get into the many personalities. Yes.
Never overalls. What were the pants? Were you wearing the big, puffy pants? I didn't wear the JNCOs, no.
Any sneakers with no laces in them?
Yeah, like a nice clean butthole, don't you? Something you can eat off of. Woo, and you feel fresh back there. How you don't feel fresh is using... toilet paper like you're in the goddamn 1800s sure do yourself a favor get pushy get that nice powerful yet soft and gentle stream going up your butthole cleaning out all the doo-doo back there so you're fresh and you're ready to go it's 2025
What are we doing here? I know. You're wiping your ass? It's what animals do. It's what animals do. Primates. Primates.
You had dreads? Not when I knew you.
Really? Thank you, because it was embarrassing. Wait, was it really a contest that we were running? Or is it you won the helium contest?
And we pretended like we were announcers on the side, right?
Wait, so you won $250 for that and you moved to L.A.? That was it?
And how long were you in L.A. for? Was that the last time we saw you, or did you come back?
There you go. How does that happen? You just stop washing your hair?
20 bags? Yeah. Selling some 20s?
Run home Sunday for dinner if you wanted to, do a little laundry. Laundry, yeah. Sure.
You're on borrowed time, but you ain't got a filter in there, dog. Cloudy-ass water.
Uh-huh. Are you selling some 20 bags in college at the time?
People coming over, hanging out?
Unless you win a Nobel Peace Prize between L.A. and now.
I mean, what kind of mayonnaise growing up? Was it Hellman's? Was it Miracle Whip? I don't really fuck with white condiments.
What do you eat for breakfast when you were a kid?
What the hell are we doing here? Wow, that's crazy. Never had a bowl of cereal.
Who needs potassium anyway? Kevin, you are 10% weirder now. Now I know what the barometer of not eating a banana is. This guy's never had cereal?
Back to the dreads. Hold on a second. I can't let this slide. No, of course. How long did it take you to build them up? Takes a while, right? And when did you decide, I'm going to be a white dude wearing dreads? And nobody said anything to you?
So they stood around and watched you do this? Like a science experiment.
You go to the dentist regularly?
Yeah. I used to always say that. Hey, man, when you get it done, don't take all the pills. Save a little something for Uncle Hank. Could be the bitch.
Did you ever blow weed in the turtle's face?
It wasn't crazy how that went from like such a pleasant smell of like, wow, this smells really good. So just at a certain point in maturity. You're like, this stinks. Yeah.
So baby powder. It's like, ew.
I don't know how that happened. It's got to be psychological because it was the same smell when it first came out. But then after like a couple of years, everybody using it and the weed and this, you're just like, God, this fucking stinks.
Yeah, 13 years ago. You might be the first guy I ever saw wear a Marc Jacobs leather jacket. Remember that one leather jacket that you had? Yeah. It didn't have the collar.
Yeah. He was a cool guy.
I need a couple of tips. So you have a collection of 20-year GQ magazines in your apartment. It's the bane of my girlfriend's existence, yeah. Don't throw those out.
You don't want to throw them out?
She'll sleep on them. She'll use them for fire. Oh, man, you're going to be leafing through those with her one day like, eh, pretty cool, eh?
This is an MP3 player. If you and the lady go out to a nice dinner now. Okay. Talking wah-wah. Next question. You're talking every third birthday for her? Sure. Do you have a spot that you like? Is there any casual dining spots that maybe you went as a kid, your parents take you, or that you have an affection for now?
And how long did you keep them?
That way you're not going to chase a truck down the street.
Wait, does it? What do you do with a Mr. Softee?
And what did your parents say?
Am I doing good? Hey, buddy.
Are you a free sample, man?
I'm not really in the market right now. Free toothpick, though.
Okay. That's respectable. The double stop is wild. The Jamba juice and then the pretzel. You need something to wash that salty pretzel down. You won't have the lemonade at Annie Ann's or anything like that?
I've seen a sign and I went. I don't know about that.
I like the cinnamon ones, the little cinnamon nuggets. You're a dessert boy. I like the sweets. Okay. Any vacations? Now to speak of. Have you and your girl ever gone away?
You're an outdoorsy guy.
What do you eat out there? When you camp out?
Yeah, you'll do the, like, hot dogs or whatever?
And you're eating on the couch in front of the TV, I would assume?
The fillets, they weren't just for you, right? They were for you and her? Yeah, two-pack.
He's such a strange combination. It's crazy. I can't believe you know what an heirloom carrot is. Which I think you're thinking heirloom tomato. Are there heirloom carrots?
Wow. That's a nice pull. The purple ones. Yeah, I like the purple ones.
Number one. Have to, gun to your head, fast food chain. Only one for the rest of your life.
Can you whistle with your fingers? No. Are you double jointed? No.
And or an Olive Garden? A bowl of soup, I'll get my head on straight.
Yeah, Wilmington, Delaware. Wilmington, Delaware. Okay, take us back to there. Wilmington, Delaware. Mom, dad. Yeah, grew up, mom, dad.
Has there ever been a time where you went over and hung out at that porch and didn't go into the house? No. You run into pay or something like that.
Any of the baby snacks that you particularly enjoy? Not yet, no.
What? Yeah, this guy's Delaware trash. Man, climbing the charts quickly. That's crazy. Coming in out of nowhere with a heater. It was the shared driveway. I knew it. That's the least of your worries. When we got to the repetition of at one point,
You were in a lot of trouble.
Grade A. Trash. Duty free. Delaware. Tax free trash, baby. I had a feeling. Bike messenger on foot.
Love it. Buddy, we love you. That was a fucking home run. Kippy, what do you got for us?
That's a shared driveway, buddy.
I don't know. We have a shared driveway, not an alleyway. So I don't know if that would necessarily count as a single family home. That's not.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they have to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, Ace Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
Yeah. Would you say that the folks were doing well? Did your dad do good in the insurance game? He mentioned the shared driveway.
And did you share those? They had a car each.
This is crazy. Back this up. Do they still live in that house? No. They move. What was the name of the street that that was on? That street was Charles Place. Charles Place.
And a quiz nose on the roof. Okay. All right. And how close in proximity did you live to your grandparents? Grandparents were a two-minute walk away. Two-minute walk away. So is that your mom's parents or your dad's parents?
Okay. So that's a neighborhood she grew up in.
She's upstairs polishing her 9-11 memorabilia.
And you're in Wilmington. That's crazy. That's insane.
Some type of tax break or something. Been trapped there. Really? Andy, you're in the city of Wilmington proper.
Never forget. Okay. That's from CS on the Patreon. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me, unamused this week, Tough Break CS. I don't know what to tell you. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang?
So almost every summer you went to Disney? No, no. Maybe every other, maybe every third summer. And how long are you going? For a week? Maybe a week. Is it just you, the immediate family, or would you take your grandparents or your cousins or anything like that?
All right. That's an expensive trip. That ain't cheap. You throw in Catholic school in that, plus all the stuff for the dreads. That's Santa Cruz sticker.
What was the first time you were on a plane?
It kind of makes sense, though. He's ripping up the ticket.
How does he even hear about that? Like on the news, they're probably talking about it.
Live shows, live shows, live shows, baby.
My dad, Mamma Mia, listen, ABBA got a lot of hits, okay? What's that song? What's that song? SOS. Great fucking song. My dad got hooked on Mamma Mia. I think he went and saw it on Broadway or saw a production down in Philly. Something. They loved it.
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I liked her in fucking Pretty Woman. She's turning tricks on Sunset. That's fucking my wheelhouse. Sure. But I always thought that something happened to her and she went to, like, find herself. She just fucking left her husband, fucking went over to Italy and started fucking putting on weight and fucking getting nailed. There's nothing wrong with that. Okay.
Back at the Wilbur. Doing the Met in Philadelphia.
What's his name is in it, though? The dad from Step Brothers.
She's great, too. Come on. You're the one saying she wasn't. I just said it. I wasn't expecting that.
Yeah. That's a big hit.
You tight piece of ass, that guy. Oh, now you don't like Billy Crudup?
Yeah, you fucking better not. You ever see him do a British accent?
Yeah.
Ooh. Javier and Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Fucking pulls a twofer right there at the table.
Hey, you were in college and all that stuff was going on.
What year was Vicky?
Yes, yes.
All right, whatever. Maybe I'll start doing movie reviews. No, we're all right. I'll help you. No, stop. Did you ever see that clip of Siskel and Ebert going at each other in the middle of a promo? Oh, man, those two did not like each other. It's like me and you in the green room. Hey, why don't you stop being a fat loser?
Stop wearing shoes.
You can just go down there and kind of start over. I'm doing all shorts this summer, too, by the way. All shorts. I don't know what the fuck I was doing. Why the fuck am I wearing pants?
Nice little run out there on the coast. We haven't had one of them in about two years, right? For a year and a half. Something like that. Out on the coast for like an extended period of time. Going to need a nice Airbnb. We get out there, money bags.
I'm going to get nice shorts. I'm going to go to DXL. I bet you don't. All right. I'm going to get nice shorts. And I'm going to find some type of slip-on something. No.
Yeah. I'm not wearing shoes.
I'll get those Skechers slip-ons that they have. Birkenstocks. No, I'm not fucking wearing those things. You wear those things.
Cut that. All right.
No.
All right. What were you saying?
Hail scares the shit out of me.
I know. Kill you. Take you out. One of those things hit you in the head. How the fuck does that form? Little balls up in the sky.
A little bit. Okay.
Snow, I get. Sleep, sure. But how does it form?
How does that get them in the little, they're like perfect balls.
Hmm. Water droplets aren't round. They're teardrop shaped.
I can wrap my head around that. I used to make them in third grade. What? Snowflakes. Make them hell. What do you mean?
A little gravy on top. I always thought it was weird when people did the meatloaf at Halloween where they made it look like a foot.
I'm sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize to you.
There is a... Unless your cup is to the brim with ice, the... Different situation from fresh ice to one glass of whatever removed is insane.
You get a refill at a joint and they don't fucking hook it up with a little more ice. Fucking bullshit. I used to hate that when you were at a party.
Did I ever tell you about the kid I grew up with that had snails? He had like two or three snails and like a – it was like an aquarium, but it was like hot as shit in there.
Yeah. Oh, my God. Fuck that.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't like anything that's trying to get out. I want something that's happy and it's home. You don't see a betta fish fucking climbing out of the top of that thing. Sure. Fuck that.
I love frogs, toads. I was a big frog guy. Yeah. You don't see them that much anymore.
But wouldn't you see them still? There's not as many frogs now as there was. What do you mean? There was frogs everywhere when I was a kid.
When's the last time you saw a frog in public?
No, there was more frogs, I think, when we were a kid. Google that. Has the frog population gone down? We had them in the pool for a little while.
Yeah, you'd have them. This is Nielsen ratings. How many frogs are in your home right now?
Did they ever call you?
Oh, my brother did once. Nobody. We both answered the phone at the same time. We felt like we were fucking tastemakers. Cheers is what he said. He was probably 11 at the time. I was like, cheers.
3.8%.
Yeah. There was frogs everywhere when I was a kid.
And I remember 15, 20 years ago, they would get into. This was scary.
Death.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. How the fuck are they going?
I like it.
Yeah, I've used those wipes, the Lysol wipes. I've used those to wipe my hands and stuff like that. I've seen you blow your nose with them. Yeah, let's do it. What do you got?
No.
Wash your feet in dawn when you get home. Gets the grease and all that shit off of them. Like the oils that would be associated with the athlete's foot. Okay. Or that Tenactin. That shit, what's one dose? That shit works. You spray that shit in between your toes, that'll clear it up.
That stuff does not work. There's no way calamine... I've used bottles of that stuff on poison.
That's... I had to get a shot in senior week because I had it all over my face. Mm-hmm. Jammed up my social life.
Kim, let's talk about Pretty Litter, baby. Shout out to Pretty Litter. Gang, we've said it once. We'll say it a million times. Pretty Litter is the only cat litter that I use over at the Foley Household. My little baby doesn't take anything else. She likes nothing but the best, and that's what Pretty Litter is. If anything's going on with the cat, the crystals turn color.
That way you can see if it has a urinary tract infection. Boom, you get her right over to the vet. You get her taken care of. Pretty Litter smells great for a month. It's lightweight. I'm telling you right now, we got it. We tried it. We love it. And you will, too. So do yourself a favor.
Back to the show.
I've had these on for a while. Yeah. I could feel them. They could use a little.
Nothing wrong with that. That's a pro move. And you slide right into them and you're out the door. You know what happened a lot more lately than ever in my life? My belt's twisting on me. And sometimes I forget, like, I don't catch it. So I'll have a twist. I'll be, like, digging around and, like, above my pocket. Like, what the hell? And my belt will be twisted.
It never happened to me before, but it happened a lot more now. I don't know if something's going on. He's trying to run away. Belt technology is going down or something.
See? Oh, industrial belts. Yeah.
Dude, my mom had bad brakes for a while, and she would pull in, and you would just hear... She was crushing walnuts. It was brutal. Yeah, it stopped. Like Uncle Buck pulling in to get you. Everybody, God damn. Yeah. Smoking. Yeah, it was bad news. And my dad bought an old Mustang. He was supposed to fix it up, which I don't know how he was going to do that because he couldn't change a light bulb.
Yeah.
Oh, none. He ended up having to sell it for college. I always felt bad. How'd that happen? Not investment workout. Not good. And I remember the guy.
It was like my sophomore year, and he loved this car. He drove it for a while, but it had a hole in it. It had a hole in the right back seat, and he would take like six of us to basketball practice. And I remember fucking Ed Fortescue's foot went through it one time. It was bad. But this dude that he sold it to came and fixed it up in our driveway.
He was there like every night after work for like three weeks. Dude, when he pulled this thing out, it looked brand new.
Cousin Joey's wedding. The brunch the next day. Fucking walking out the house. Walking out of my Aunt Mary's with a pair of fucking tight leather pants on. I refuse to go. I refuse to go. Fucking tart.
I'll put the woodland shake in your ass in front of the scrambled eggs. I don't think so. Anyway. Poison frogs, huh?
Holy shit.
I don't know if I ever asked you, did Big Joe Kelly and your dad have any type of relationship?
But I think if the stepdad moves into the house, but theoretically, if he needed to, he could afford his own house. I feel like that's okay.
Was there ever any talk of, like, hey, you might be moving to, like, Abington or something like that? Doylestown.
I told you I wanted to go to a post-grad year after college. I was looking... You didn't graduate. I mean, I'm sorry, high school. I could have went to...
Yeah. I could have done a fifth year at this place, Mercersburg Academy. I could have played football there. I would have been 19 playing high school football. I ain't done. Look real nice, too. But I didn't get in.
It's like 20 G's or something like that. Give me a number on Mercersburg Academy.
Hey, what's up? Good to see you.
Maybe, I mean, like... Was there ever a time where they were both in the kitchen at the same time?
I got a hungry boy coming in.
What did he say to you?
I'm in the backseat. They're all over you like spiders. There's just a claw sticking out of your mouth.
All of a sudden, you just smell an old bay.
I know. My dad had like 10 of the worst ones ever. Those hooks, they'd start to bend like that.
That's good crab. That's good.
Denise's boy's coming down. So what did he say to you? He said, what was the occasion? No one just gets crabs unless you live in like Maryland. That's like Christmas something.
We always did seafood around Christmas and New Year's. Seafood's different.
Yeah, we would do crabs, lobsters, scallops.
Got the dog by the throat. So wait, you just this one night, I can hear you in your stuffed up... That's a crab.
I assume Denise stayed away from the squid ink pasta as well. Yeah, she's a... So what'd he say to you?
He stopped crying.
Ever since I saw a documentary about ships where the line snapped.
Still is.
20.
78. 100?
I feel like I've asked you this before.
Ain't getting me like that. Fuck that shit. Take your leg out. No, thank you. Just roll over into the water.
Good school, huh? Looks like it. Yeah, I remember. Better be. I imagined like a whole life down there. Be like rich kids.
I'd be a different person down there. Get my shit together, go to a good school, you know? Be a different guy.
It was 78. So I would say probably in 94 it was 30 grand. That's even harder to get.
I don't think you would have lasted at Central Bucks, East or West at that time. Why? Because you're kind of a bitch. Good point.
Did you see that the other day? The fucking, that shark, that guy, great white shark, 50-foot great white shark got bit in half by something. Yeah. Got bit right clean in half. What?
With your huge tits and your tree frogs and crab breath.
Yeah, that sand-colored interior in the fucking 90s and early 2000s. Man, cloth.
That's all right.
Doesn't she have a nice Audi or something like that now? Yeah. Yeah. Get her a card.
You would have been moving away.
I'm an ocean man.
You're working in the office. Getting a boob lift. You're in the trailer. Everybody's coming in to get their checks from you. Your dad around?
Where do you live?
Darjeeling High School?
I just like walking across the parking lot. Sure.
Yeah.
That's wild.
Yeah.
It was a 50 foot shark.
Tom McCann's here, buddy.
Maybe it was 25. It might have been a gold. It was dark out. It might have been a minnow. I'm not sure. He was coming out of a 7-Eleven. I'm just going by what the height measurement said. Did you find this? Did you find it? What? I thought you were looking to fact check me.
You want to see a dead fat kid with tits? Sorry. I'm really running with that. Yeah. That's nice to deflect. Like, you don't like crabs and have tits.
Two things I do well.
Or if it was given to you as a gift.
Buy a Visa gift card with your credit card.
That's the problem. As long as nothing's wet, you make sure it's dry, and all you have to do is get above where the water line, because then you can just splash it all down.
To trim your beard.
Yeah, but then all those trimmings are going in the laundry.
Paper towels or a newspaper would be better than you can just fold it up and throw it out.
I use that for crabs. Paper towels. It's crab night, I'm all.
Gang, we love you to death. Uh-huh. Grab some tickets to a live show. Like Kippy said, there's some markets where we're not going to be able to add shows, so make sure you don't miss out. Pick up a pack of cards.
Just in time for summer. And check out the Route 66 store if you haven't checked it out. We love you, and we'll see you next week.
Is there a box spring underneath that? What do you mean? What's the green thing underneath the...
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Amen, sister. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that if they grew up to be classy, they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Sage Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We are out back here with Tootie's in a new edition.
That's nice. I think I had that tie. That's a Perry Ellis. Yeah.
You got a new life ahead of you, my friend. You got five ties. You got a bed. You're not doing that bad. Shit, you can make it work.
Now, if I was the CIA, all right, if I was working for the company and I was transporting alien technology, that's how I would do it. No one's going to look for that. You know what I mean? Forget about one of those huge fucking NASA trucks. Just throw it on a fucking Hyundai. Stick it in the mattress. Right? I like it.
I don't have to.
Turn my butt plug on.
She's out in the front yard playing a little freeze tag. Ha ha! Got a hot game of Simon Says coming up. Big man's on the board. My ghost is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman, and he is also the king of the burbs, baby. Give it up for KJ.
I don't understand.
Oh.
Boop.
You're at the door. Yeah. Very, very futuristic. Boop. You're gone.
Do you have a pen on you right now? Uh, no. Huh.
Do you? No, it gets in my pockets. What?
I don't know. Yeah. Okay. That happened to me in high school.
I had a nice crisp white shirt on, and I had a pen in my pocket.
I got a pen there.
We almost moved and didn't tell her.
Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Dude, you see squid ink pasta.
You eat that, forget you ate it. Yikes. Scary.
Parmesan cheese. Which I got a fucking issue. You know what I saw last night? I saw that Eat, Pray, Love. You know what I'm talking about? Julia Roberts' vehicle? That fucking movie.
I fucking did not. I started to like it. But in the beginning, she just divorces her husband and starts fucking banging James Franco down in the village. And then she goes over to Italy. She's over there for like two weeks. She learns fucking Italian in two weeks. She's running around over there. And then she goes to fucking India or something.
They're comfortable. I'm with it. Give us the back story, because I'm intrigued here. You were born in Estonia. Right? And then do the comedy first.
We're on a culinary journey.
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Gang, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Folks, as you know, these are crazy times. A lot of things are going on. You need to talk to somebody. Don't sit there and hold it in. I'm somebody that held it in for a long, long time. I've recently started talk therapy, and it's starting to help.
And I'll tell you this. If you don't do it for yourself, which you should be doing it for yourself, but doing it for the people around you is something that really got into me. Yeah, I'm driving everybody crazy, dumping all my problems on everybody. Do that to a therapist.
Was your sister always nice to you? Like, you guys had a good little crew? Oh, of course. Me and my sister, when this...
How long did, when did he dip out?
What did he pass away from?
What did you have on him? I had everything. I had everything.
I got to tell everybody you're touching me.
Everybody's got to go back to work. Holy shit. So you're born as everything changes over. How long did that process take? take like was it real shitty when it was the soviet union and then it got like oh yeah westernized real shitty
How were you as a student in school? What do you think? Growing up.
When did you start backpacking? How old were you when you go out on this backpacking trip?
Wait, this is without your stepdad? It would just be you and your sister? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And your sister's 21, whatever.
What the fuck does school say about that? They didn't like it, but...
That's not a bad day. How would you get to school? Could you walk? Did you have a car?
Exactly. Just all you got to do is not get a girl pregnant. Sure.
What would you guys do for dinner when your mom was gone? Would you and your sister make dinner? Were you cooking? No. Are you stealing?
Just fucking candy city, dude. This is Disneyland, dude.
And you were big on American television. They were big American television.
Were there any Estonia shows that you watched? Yeah, of course there were, but then... Fuck, man.
How would you get the American shows? Online. It's only online.
Is this in the summers or were you working during the school?
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
Yeah, but that's the owner of the restaurant. You're a bus boy. Yes. You don't see the difference in that? No. What is my Maserati?
It's the deal with the universe. Any cops ever get involved? Do you ever get pinched? Close to getting pinched? No. No? No pinching happening. All right. No pinching happening. Okay. So then you're doing comedy over in Melbourne. You're with the lady. With the lady. You guys are living together. How long are you over there for?
So you go over there on vacation with your girl, and you're in Thailand, and then take it from there.
Did she go with you to Thailand, the girl?
What are you, you're 19, 20?
Jesus fucking Christ. You're how assassins are made.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. And then how do you get here?
Are you living back at your mom's house?
I don't even remember this.
I don't think Brooklyn Comedy Club was around five years ago, was it?
No, no, no, no, no. No way. Like you were like, oh, another thing. That does not sound. Maybe it was. Like another thing.
He's stealing your wallet at the time.
So how long are you in Estonia where you're doing good? Were you the big star?
And you've got a lot of tourism in the city that you're in, right?
Best green rooms in the world.
Two, three months, I'll be doing movies.
Is that where you moved first? Did you move to Austin? When you came here?
I mean, that competition. There's just so many comments. Wait, June of this year? That's when you got here? Like, moved here.
Okay. When did you do Kill Tony for the first time?
That's fucking... I didn't know it was that quick.
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It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, Dave Scholey, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties and the new addition. She got electrocuted last night. Okay. It's a new street drug the kids are taking. She got her hands on a bag. All right.
You got a house? You got an apartment? The house I got.
It's crazy how expensive it is. Did you have money saved up in your pocket when you got to Austin in March? I mean, I was going on a limb. I was going on a dream.
Where do you move in when you get here? Did you know anybody? I knew nothing. So where'd you stay the first night that you landed in Austin? I took a nice Airbnb.
So you take an Airbnb and you stay there for a month. Things start to really start moving and now you rent your own house or did you buy a house down there? No, I am buying it. I'm renting.
Do you bring the boys from Estonia over? You bring some of your squad over?
Imagine that crew rolling. Oh, yeah, dude. I'm like a black comedian, dude. I roll them. I roll seven deep. Four guys named Igor coming in.
Okay. What do you do? So try to figure out whether he's garbage or not.
But let's talk about some of the day-to-day, some of the domesticated stuff. Do you furnish the place? Or did you rent at this place unfurnished, right? Or furnished. I have a backpack with three pairs of pants and seven socks. That's it. That's what you roll with. That's what you roll with. What does your house look like? You have a TV in there? You got a TV?
You want all of that lumped in. Wait, hold on a second, man. How long is your lease at this apartment, at this house? I haven't opened the email. Okay. This guy is an assassin. He's probably squatting right now.
He's got 10 grand up his ass right now.
So you rented a furnished apartment. Yes. That's what you're living in. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you will. Just hanging out. Look for chicks, hang out, or are you keeping to yourself? I look for chicks, never have the courage to talk to them.
I got a cocktail and a shaved stomach. You know what I'm saying? A shaved stomach. Listen, this is as European as it gets. Oh, my God.
All right. Do you like flying up front? Will you spring for the first class ticket? I had my first flight. Ever?
What do you have at the house? Do you have a king at the house? It's got to be so fucking big. It's got to be so fucking big. And it's somebody else's sheets? All that stuff came with the house? Yeah. The sheets and everything.
Are you doing the laundry at the house? You do your laundry at the house?
What? Are you cooking at the house when you're down in Austin and you're in there? Are you cooking for yourself? I make a kilo of breakfast.
Recipe he stole from a Jimmy Oliver restaurant. Okay.
Is this a first date situation, or would you have to know her a little bit? Or could this be a first date? No, no, this ain't the first. No, okay.
I love a chick that says, are you going to finish?
Did you have any pets when you were a kid? Did you guys have pets?
A dog that I was scared of. You know what I'm saying?
This is a bar in Estonia. Yeah. What language are you doing this in?
Call out the Estonian handshake, dude.
Do you read? Are you reading anything? Do you read books? After the Kindle came out, I'm big on it.
Apparently, nobody divided by two and added seven. Apparently, nobody divided by two and added seven that time.
What was the first concert you went to? Musical concert when you were a kid. Was it an Estonian act?
He probably did a Greatest Hits tour. Marilyn Manson.
Is this when he was super popular? Like, this is when he was banging?
Those concerts over there are crazy. Those guys play Eastern Europe. They let it fucking hang the fuck out.
Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ari Matty. What a fucking tale. What a story. Yeah, fantastic. What a comedian. Very funny stuff, buddy. You're 100% garbage. Yeah, absolutely.
Do you steal now? Like, will you take something from the airport, like a candy bar? You're not doing that little shit, are you? Sure he is. If it's a nice pen. If it's a nice pen? You like pens. He can stab you in the neck if he needs it. Where do you have to steal a pen from?
Are you a credit card guy? Do you have credit cards like American Express and all that kind of stuff? He's going to show me.
How bad of a guy can he be? He's got a Mickey Mouse card!
He plays offense and defense. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ari Matty. Thank you, brother.
What do you got coming up, buddy? Let the folks know. When is it coming up? This week. Yeah, this week.
That aren't great. Of course. Do you like American Thanksgiving?
With the titties out, sure, you're a cat. I love it. You're a cat.
We got to have you back. Once you get a full year of like all the holidays and all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. You're going to like Thanksgiving. It's a nice meal. You like turkey, mashed potatoes.
My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? Oh, shit. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Do you do Christmas in Estonia? We do Christmas, but nothing like American fucking, the culture of spending money. Will you get a tree for the house down in Austin? Will you put up a Christmas tree?
You're serving him the heart-shaped ciabatta?
Would you move him into the house? No, you're moving straight in. Sure. But you gotta be like, don't shit your pants around me.
Gang, we love you, and we'll see you next week. Peace. See you next week.
I just remember full panic. There was no, was there any type of comedy scene over there? At all? No, there actually was rumblings.
And that was it. And were you fighting? When did you start fighting? When did you start doing MMA?
Like you're training in the gym and all that kind of stuff?
And you moved to Australia for comedy? For pussy.
and she was living in australia yeah she was like you're not a fighter you're funny and then she gave me that confidence so you met the girl while you were on vacation with your girlfriend no no that's when i went back you went damn who the goes at thailand twice these estonians move quick i know confident and move quick i was doing a theater over there yeah Okay. Okay.
So you meet her over there, and then she's in Australia. Yeah. So you want to start doing comedy. You want to get out of Estonia. You decide, I'm going to move to Australia. Yeah, because there was a scene. Melbourne was great.
So that's where you started.
And what were you doing for work over in Australia? Bar back. Pay the bills. Bar back. Bartender, bar back, a thief. Flash thief.
Were you like one of those guys on the back of a scooter, like a two-man?
I love it. All right. And what's the Mexican girl doing over in Australia? What's she doing for work? Stealing lion and fucking... Really?
Yes, sir, and gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, performs all over the world. Kid came over here, hit the scene hard, hit the scene quick. He's one of the stars over there in that Kill Tony universe that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Never. So she was like a proper grifter.
The security's like, listen, I don't know.
And how's your English at the time?
What's the political climate in Estonia when you're born?
A lot of mafia, I would assume.
What did your mom do for a living? Like, I remember... Oh, she was a waitress. A thief. Your mom was a... These Estonians are a bunch of gypsies, dude.
Oh, she's grifting off the top.
They'll fall into the system. Bunch of paper towels hanging over the shower. Any extended family in your area? You grew up in a house. Yeah, like a single family home.
Exactly. I'm like, this guy moves in.
Older sister, younger sister. Older sister. Okay.
Give it up for Mr. R.E. Matty. Yeah. Hey, pal. Hey, pal. Look at you. What's up, legends? Good to see you, buddy. Thanks for coming. You look like you just came from the gym. Yeah. Got his sweats on.
That store is sick. You know it? I've been there. You could have an archery range in there.
Yeah. Get around, don't you?
I believe it's Mr. Rogers.
Any hands. Rogers seems to also be more of like a specialty store, not like they're banging them out fresh every day.
Clover was either liquidated or sold and bought by the Federated Department Stores in 2005.
Did she?
I believe Bucks County Mall.
Kitty City was also a part of it. Yes, it was.
I got a picture of the sign.
Of the sign.
Donald and Doris Fisher from San Francisco. Yeah, they were.
Sure.
Yeah, they were all right for that. Fisher family is worth $4.3 billion.
That's pretty good. That's all right. No shit. They don't still own it, right? Their three sons continue to manage the business.
I'm sure you got shareholders, but...
Yeah, they're back. Just collab with Mad Happy. No shit. I got to get over there. I got some of the gear.
DXL employees get commission. No shit.
Varying between 1.5% and 6% based on the personal sales volume.
I think it still depends on the employee, but it seems like DXL is a pretty good commission-based system.
You know what I'm saying? I do. I have some sad news. What? The Macy's at the Wanamaker building will be closing down this month. I heard that. This month? Wow.
Sure. Barnes & Noble was just bought by a hedge fund, but Amazon did take them down.
Citadel.
Citadel. What about the home and... Military school? No. Technically, Elliott Advisors, but... That's no Dempsey Group.
30 videos.
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We almost killed him in the driveway. I like how you pulled up and called that you were out front, too.
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And did you work at all in high school? What was your first job?
In the summer? Yeah. Yeah, right when I graduated high school. Okay, so your first job wasn't until after high school.
You're getting kicked off the team. What are you talking about? You said you never played a full season.
I didn't play a lot this season, but I was on the team. I had to practice.
Off morale. And how was the job at Foot Locker that summer?
Didn't just walk up to the door. Start knocking on random fucking doors.
Look at that. But they shouldn't have hired me. There was no way in hell they should have hired me. How does it work at Flock? Did you get commissions on the sneakers or anything like that? Yeah, but it was like a dead stove.
Yeah. I'm killing over here, dude. I've never seen it.
An empty Foot Locker is wild. It is fucked. Did you steal it all? My boy worked at Foot Locker and he stole like crazy.
Because the malls, if you don't know anybody that ever worked at a mall, the mall has like its own ecosystem where like the Lids guy will steal hats and give them to the Foot Locker guy. The Foot Locker guy will get jerseys from this store. It's like they're all just, it's like they're all fucking.
I didn't mean that, but yeah.
Damn, you were fucking in a closed JCPenney's?
Man. I wonder why the full locker was tanking.
And Annie meet Uncle Cam coming in.
What? Yeah, it was stupid. Man, full locker.
Buddy, give us the backstory. I know a little.
And I lived – You're on a date.
Have you ever spit on a girl?
Were you doing the schedule and shit like that? No, no, I never got that.
Jeez, you were working at Foot Locker in 2019. Yeah.
What's the difference between the west side and the east side?
I would also not teach you the code to the safe. That's not, you cannot blame them for that.
Okay. Yeah. Like close to Disney? Hell no, no, no.
Yeah. Did you think when you got there and you saw they were robbed, did you think because you had access to the safe and stuff like that that they were going to try to pin it on you?
Oh, I knew that for sure. Were you confident that you were going to get out of it, or were you like, this place could go either way?
You have the outfit on when you walk in.
A new manager can ruin the vibe of any job. You got a new manager, they come in, they're trying to make a name for themselves. One or two people that you were like part of your team, they leave and you're like, it's not the same job anymore.
You started working at Publix? Yeah. Doing what department?
You can't do this. You're dapping everybody up.
What's up, fam? Give him a big hug.
The one that you cursed out? Yeah. Was she a manager or just regular?
So I was cussing that bitch out every day. Man, that's a fucking vengeance story.
That's great. She's working under you? Yeah, you dirty bitch.
Shout out Latoya. She dope as shit. I love Latoya. And then what are the jobs after? When did you start doing comedy?
Really? While you were at Publix. You've only ever had two jobs in your life.
Okay. That didn't work.
Hell no. Yeah. And you ever played golf before or anything like that? Fuck no.
What were you doing at the golf course?
You were a caddy? Not a caddy. Not a caddy.
You get in there, you think you're going away to college, it's down the street.
Yeah, really? Yeah. I've done that too. Yeah.
You didn't know anything, yeah. Nothing.
My favorite hole is the 11th hole. How are the pars today?
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Did you make good money there, though? Fuck no.
So hold on. Give me this timeline. So you're working at Publix. You're doing comedy. I mean, this isn't that long ago, which is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three years ago? Shit, yes.
2020, 2021. And you're doing comedy, you start doing comedy in Orlando. Yeah. Okay, doing open mics or whatever. Did you work your way up to the clubs over there?
I was like, why are we going so far? How far? Like 20 minutes away? 30 minutes away. 30 minutes away. And I'm like, hey. You show up with luggage and shit like that.
No kidding. And I crashed that bitch. Yeah, you did.
His little activities. That's so demeaning to your dad's job.
Yeah. little activities.
Okay. Who'd you grow up with? Moms, dads? Give us a story.
Okay. Damn. I wonder how much crack you get for a Jeep.
Yeah. That'll happen in the crack trade. Yeah, man.
That shit hurt my heart, man. I lost a stereo to a Coke dealer in North Carolina. Actually, yeah. Never got it back.
Maybe one day. Put your mind to it. You can get it back. It's out there somewhere. I've been looking for that damn car, too. It's fucked up.
Oh, with the GPS on it?
Okay. We were talking to people in the neighborhood. Good GPS. We found it.
He was pressing the street. I don't know. He was like, we tracked it down. I don't know. Okay.
Please. You guys were too scared to go into the house and try to get it? Yeah, them niggas.
Yeah, let's not get crazy.
Man, also talk about a guy who don't give a fuck.
Some guy comes to your house to beat you up. He's wearing your merch. Like, what the fuck? Come on, man. What's going on here, man? That's me right there. That's the real bullshit. Holy shit. All right. Man, so you worked at the golf course. And where were you living when you got here?
All right, that's pretty good. On the topic of first, what was the first concert you went to?
That's a pretty good one.
Is this when he first came out?
With Hannibal. Get the fuck out of here.
That's really good. All right, now that you're here, you're doing very well, very funny.
Good career. Has there been any stupid purchase since you started making money where you look back and like, I didn't need this watch, this car, a hot tub, a wave runner?
What was the first big check that you got where you were like, holy shit? First big check? Really?
It didn't even have to be that big just at the time where you were like, yeah, I'm free.
It's funny. You did that at 24 or 23. We did it at 47 and 38.
I did that for the first time two years ago. I called my mom like, you know what I fucking made last night? No idea what's going on.
Has there been stupid purchases?
I just saw that video, actually. Yeah. Wait, that's your car?
I told you about the check.
Congratulations. Is that what you used the check for that you got, was to buy that?
Sure. I owed Foot Locker a couple of bucks.
A 2003 Accio with 1,500 miles on it?
A contractor. Yeah. Big difference.
Yeah, she just sat it in the garage.
Okay, so you bought that with over 100,000 miles on it.
So you are actively looking for a new car now.
That'd be a five. That's awesome.
Cologne? I can smell it on you.
I love cologne, but I got too much. That's probably it, though.
I like that. And how's the apartment now? It's nice. It's decent. Nice?
What's the bed? King size, queen size?
Stay young. I like it. Yeah, on the floor is all right.
What's the vacation looking like now? I know you're working out.
I don't like vacation. You can't just go away for a couple of days and just chill on the beach?
That makes sense. I get that. When did you get your passport? I got my passport last year. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So the first time you traveled, is the first time you traveled out of the country to go to Canada? Well, the first time was when I went with Tony. So this is the first time by myself, yeah. Okay. But it was for comedy. You were going to... Gotcha. Jeez. I got my passport at 47, dude.
47, yeah. God, I'm insane. Never thought he'd make it. Have you ever owned a butterfly knife or a switchblade?
Okay. Those are fucking dangerous.
Work around the permits.
That's no good. And you had mentioned you were selling nickel bags. Was this Publix time error, time frame?
You said the phone was ringing, like you were starting to get real busy.
So that was encroaching on, you know, if you got to be somewhere, you got to be. Yeah.
Yeah. Was it just weed? You were just selling weed? When he said drugs, it kind of picked up.
Okay. Do they live with you? Your mom's and dad's back and forth?
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Holy shit. Okay, all right. How do you like to travel now that you're traveling all around?
Okay. You flying first class or in coach? Nah, I like coach. You like coach.
Turn around and spit on them. Well, you bring food on a plane. Nah. Okay. Take your shoes off on a plane.
I wear slides, yeah, yeah.
What do you get to a hotel if you don't like the room? Will you ask to change the room?
Are you going out to nicer restaurants or anything now that you have a couple of bucks? Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, for sure. What do you like? Steak.
Steak. Yeah, how do you get it cooked?
Gentleman. Gentleman. Very good. Do you drink?
Gotcha. If you go out to dinner and you get a drink, what do you get? You get a wine, you get a beer, you get a... I ain't drink no wine. I told you I was a drug dealer, right?
Okay, yeah, 20-year gap. That's a lot. Pretty trashy. I got that in my family, too. It's not a good look. 20 years between siblings is tough.
Sure, yeah, yeah. Comedy got me in the beers real, bro. He points it out. You guys got me in the beers. Like, we did it as a collective. It was funny.
You can go home and drink beer if your whole family's looking at you.
Damn. Do you have a preference between Pizza Hut or Domino's? Not like Little Caesars, though. Little Caesars. Really? Little Caesars.
That'd be hot and ready. I never met one of them.
Let me tell you something. Little Caesars, I haven't had in a long time. Back in the day, dude, it was unbelievable. It used to be a square pie. It was a square. It was like Sicilian. Yeah. And it was like it was like they like baked it and there was like oil around it. Dude, in the 80s, it was fucking unbelievable. Then they changed it to the hot and ready in the round pie.
You just lost something.
Yeah, it's pretty good. Are you cooking at the house at all? No. Not at all. Uber Eats? Yeah, Uber Eats.
Cook your eggs? Yeah. How do you like your eggs?
That guy does it all. That damn aristocrat.
Good thing we're there, boy. Are you shopping? Will you go to the grocery store and get some stuff for the house?
So you have your friends hanging out at the house? Yeah.
Are they Texas friends or are they Florida friends? They're comics. Well, do you bet here? Yeah.
And who are you bringing people on the road with you when you go?
He's your uncle? Ah, technically. Gotcha. Basically. He's your black uncle.
Jesus Christ. That's a friend right there. I'll be like, you know what, nigga, I believe in you.
Do you own any suits? Like, if you had to go to a wedding next week, what are you wearing? Nah, I ain't got no suit.
You're going to go get one. You got to get me a suit. He's only 25. I know. That's why, yeah. I mean, I didn't get a suit until I was fucking 32. Until I got married. Can you tie a tie?
Huh. And who's cutting the hair? Who's doing the hair? I got a barber. Do you go to the shop or do they come to you?
Okay. And you got a place down here, a guy that you like?
Austin's Most Wanted. Shout out Austin's Most Wanted.
Did you know of that when you got here? Did somebody say, hey, do you want a good haircut?
You got a haircut app?
This is great. I've never heard of this.
Like reviews and shit.
You'll get your haircut on the road.
Yeah. What's the cut cost you now? $35. That's not bad. What do you tip?
There you go. That's a goddamn gentleman right there. I like it.
Very good. When you're traveling on the road, will you guys do anything touristy in the city when you're there?
Will you get a manicure, a pedicure, a massage at all? No. That's gay. Nothing wrong with the gays, though. Sure. None of them gay niggas.
I don't know. I'm just asking. I like a nice massage. You get a pedicure? I need a pedicure. I should.
No? That was like a 90s thing.
Oh, in the fridge. Yeah, that never gets changed. My dog, my dog, see my dog. You got to buy a new refrigerator.
Yo, yeah. I didn't even know you could do that.
Had abandoned McDonald's, man.
Yeah, I'm right there with you.
I got a little money now. It depends. It depends where you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I drink it anywhere. I was drinking it and he's like, you're using tap water? Anywhere is crazy. You drinking it in Flint, Michigan? Probably not Flint. Now I would. Not fucking five years ago.
That's a bad drug deal. That's a bad neighborhood, too. Abandoned, yeah. What area can't keep a McDonald's open? Goddamn.
I don't think it's fixed. I wouldn't trust them.
Oh, okay. A Gatorade man.
Talking about Glacier Ice. There you go.
That's the first time I ever heard that. It looks like blue, but it's purple. And I know exactly what you're talking about. Damn. That's funny. Really good. Uh-huh. What was the high school mascot growing up?
Do you have any pairs of dress shoes at the house? Like, not sneakers. Like, you're going out and put on a nice pair.
And your mom's place was in the Burbs? Yeah, nice place. House, apartment? House. House. Okay, so house and the apartment. You got your own room and stuff like that. What was the grocery store your mom would go to? Publix. Publix. Shout out Publix in the South. I like it. That ain't bad.
Your dad sells your merch?
I love that. Whoa. That's sick, dude.
Ryan does our merch and he robs us for sure.
Yeah. Dragging your ass around for 20 years.
That's great. So your dad goes everywhere with you? Everywhere I go, yeah. That's fucking awesome. How old's your dad, by the way?
Yeah. Gotcha. What a fucking nice back half of the life. Yeah. Roll with your fucking comics, son. Hanging out at fucking clubs and shit.
The merch money goes down.
Get out here and start fucking dancing.
That's the play You sitting down Too long You tell my dog Zoe He be like Zoe This nigga get five minutes Cause that five Those minutes are crucial To the people hanging out But you also need to go Whew alright Let's go Let's like Let me get my fucking head together Let me get a drink of water Or something Get your head to go meet A bunch of people But some people See if you're walking out And you're not there They're like I'm just fucking gone Yeah and I tell them all the time I'm like listen Thank them for coming out
All right. Good head on the shoulder. What's the split of the merch with your dad? My dad? He just, whatever? I'd be like, let me send you some money. He'd be like, all right, whatever you need. Oh, man. That's a good gig, dude. That is not happening with you.
Where was your dad food shopping?
Nah, nah, nah, nah. He's got to get some eyes on that. I'm sure you move a good amount of t-shirts on a weekend.
Niggas are making some real bread over here. Niggas got new couch, new TV. You get on a plane to go back and coach, your dad's up in first class.
Remember, five minutes.
You were at Publix not that long ago, and then you're here, so it's like... The jump from my son works at Publix to my son selling out weekends is a fucking jump.
And I forgot he lent you the car at night. Yeah, he lent me the car.
You know, you feel me? That's pretty good.
Costco's great. Yeah, yeah, fantastic.
Yeah, it's great. You get your dad on the road, you can't get in too much trouble. I can't. No, he the problem.
Yeah, he's probably out running around. He's an issue, man.
He's like Drake's dad.
How many titties would you say you're signing?
That's a lot of titties, man.
That's also security. You're on with security. Nah, he can't help for fuck. I know, but I'm just saying he's big enough to get fucking... Nobody wants to take a run at him.
Man, how proud of a dad do you got to be? Three years ago working at Publix, he's watching you sign titties like...
I mean, Costco's on the come up now. Costco is dope.
Yeah, that's sick. That's awesome, man. What a come up. Damn, dude. I mean, I don't have that much more for you.
Are you a mayonnaise guy? You like mayo?
The kid's trash. I like it, dude. Dirtbag.
Holy shit. Dude, one of the funniest. Yeah. You're on a goddamn rocket ship. We could not be happier for you. And we fucking we love what you're doing. And we're happy.
Costco is very nice. It's very good. It's very trashy, but it's great.
Proud of you. And it's fucking awesome to see. Killing it. It really is. Yeah. What else you want the folks out to know? What do you got coming up?
The YouTube channel's great. You're doing such different stuff on there. We were looking at it today, and I was like, man, this is all fantastic.
I watched a video of you install. I didn't realize that was your car in the video. I thought you were like, I bought this piece of shit car to have fun with. Because he installs a fucking speaker, like a CB speaker, and he's just driving around fucking the neighborhoods playing fucking music. He's got a girl twerking and shit. Yeah, it was dope. It's just cool. I was like, that's all right.
It's very true. You're not wrong. I got one in my wallet with a picture on it and everything.
That's my kind of fucking content.
Yeah, it's not legal at all. Yeah, lose the police siren.
It's got one million miles on it. Yeah, pull the trigger on the new car. Get the car.
But then keep that one in case somebody needs it. Oh, yeah, for sure.
Like I said, congratulations. Thank y'all so much. so much. Gang, do yourself a favor. If you haven't seen him live, he is literally an absolute killer. Check out his YouTube page, Cam Patterson. Kippy, what do you got for them?
Guys, we're on the road as well. Tour tickets are moving. Shows are selling out. Get them now. Also, the Route 66 special is dropping Tuesday, February 25th on our YouTube page. Go watch that. We love you, gang. We'll see you next week. Peace.
TSA pre-checking a Costco card. Come on, man.
You showed up at the door with it out? You don't even realize.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
Now, did you have friends at your mom's? Did you have your Orlando friends and then the suburb friends? Yeah, yeah. Was it like two different worlds, or were they similar?
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. But they're just a big old piece of trash.
I got it, too. I was terrible. Man, I was the worst.
Anything, like, really, or just kind of fucking, just causing a distraction, hanging out?
Well, like an old wise thing for like an eighth grader. Like, I ain't dealing with her. Just wait till I get out of the house. I'll do whatever the fuck I want.
He had it coming, dude.
That's an eye for an eye type shit, dude. That's wild.
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on yet again another beautiful day down here in Austin, Texas. Tootie. Austin's finally caught up to her. Okay. She's upstairs with a liquid IV, hung the fuck over.
Never did it again, though. My mom did something similar. I think I was in fourth grade again or fourth or fifth grade. I went like this to the whole class. Yeah. And the teacher had called my mom and my mom didn't say anything. And then I got home and I remember I was getting in the tub. I was completely naked about to get in the tub. She kicked open the bathroom door.
She's like, you like doing this to people? Oh, no. Fucking scarred for life. Oh, no.
That's a dirtbag mom grabbing her fucking cooter.
Yeah, dude, that's... That's waterboarding.
That's what they were doing in fucking Gitmo, dude. My mom was the one that did the hit. My dad, he would just have to threaten. Yeah, my dad never hit me. He would just have to threaten. Like, if he would take the belt out, he had this belt called Black Beauty, and if he would take that out, we got in line. But my mom, she's the one that fucking...
For some reason, it hurt so much when they'd smack you and you were, like, covered up and they'd beat you in the back and shit like that.
He jacked you up in second grade. I hit a girl. I hit a girl. Every time he did kind of have it coming, I got to give it to him.
The sneak attack? Yeah. That's mental warfare, dude.
I was like, I never, ever, never, ever would do nothing like that. Why would they do that shit? Why would they play it cool for a little while? You think you're getting away with it, then all of a sudden.
We got to get her fucking back to South Philly, get her straightened out, get her an L.A. fitness or something. She is hurting. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. She is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Not ever over. Damn. All right. Any sports in high school? Play basketball. Play basketball.
Like crack your head open or something like that. Yeah, he was going to fuck me up. That's a pretty good fight, though. Yeah. Dude, a fight in the away team's locker room? That's pretty respectful.
Well, just for the record, she kind of was right. You're sleeping in class. Oh, yeah. You yell at her.
I tell you, I will. You have admitted every time.
What was the vacations like when you were a kid? Would you guys? We always think everybody living in Orlando, you went to Disney World like every three days. Fuck no. Now?
What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.
That's a first. No vacations at all. I like it.
He's a big kid. I wouldn't take him anywhere either.
He fucking causing a problem everywhere he went.
That's a huge vacation. Huge vacation.
Yeah, that's a vacation.
So your dad got remarried.
Pretty descriptive game.
They kind of lost the game.
Was there a family reunion every year? Did you guys do one every year?
Man, this guy, Chemical Warfare. Fucking got piss bombs. Jesus Christ. I mean, you are the weirdest guy I've ever met. I was not expecting that. I got some childhood stories, nigga.
Yes, sir. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest here with us today for the first time. Been wanting to have him forever. We're down here in Austin. We made it work. He is on a rocket ship to the top. One of the hottest, best young comedians working today. You love him. You know him. Cam Patterson, everybody. Let's go. There he is.
Fucking problem, child. So you were in time out for about two hours? Yeah, I had to sit down a little bit. That's not bad, two hours for a piss bottle.
That's easy time. Do that standing on your head. Did you have any pets growing up? What was the pet situation?
You work for him. Yeah. Yeah.
Dude, an outdoor Florida dog? That's a fucking tough dog. That's a grown man right there. That dude's got a job and shit.
Hell yeah. Damn. What about, what was the, what were the snacks and shit like that in the house growing up? What were you allowed to have? Were you allowed to have like sugar cereal and all that kind of stuff?
Costco. Shout out, signature.
Respected. You were allowed to drink soda growing up?
How is your mom in the kitchen? Good cook? She can cook for fuck.
Can't cook for shit. Red velvet cake on your ass. Okay. Let's talk about Shopify, baby. Ooh, the shoppiest five in the whole wide world.
Gang, if you got an online business and you're not using Shopify, you might as well be selling products in Deadwood. What are you doing? Let's go. It's 2025. Shopify is the absolute best. Do yourself a favor. We know we got a lot of hustlers out there, a lot of guys making moves, a lot of side projects. Sure, you own a 3D printer? Get Shopify. Start moving some merch. Yeah.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
I'm pretty sure he had one of those tornado doors.
I never liked those.
You're crazy.
Playing 007, maybe.
Yikes.
Nine years old, though.
Brutal.
We're going to go check out an art exhibit. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Oh, man.
What about her? What about her?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow, I've never been in that situation.
Can you bank that, bro?
38.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Steak, dude.
Did I ever strike out?
I'm Henry.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Man.
Woo!
It's so bad.
That's pretty cool.
What do you want from me?
Oh, that's nice.
That's what I like to hear.
2040?
1970?
99.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
No.
He did.
Yeah.
Gang, the 2025 edition of the RU Garbage card game, third edition, is on sale right now at rugarbage.com. Play it with your friends, play it with your family, and see who is trash.
He's not Harlan Williams, though.
That would have been big at the time. That's 100 Gs, I believe.
Look at you.
That's why you're classy, my friend.
For all those reasons.
Fucking almost one star search. Yeah, almost one star search. I don't think that that ruling's not going to change. I don't think. I mean, we'll see. Kip, let's talk about Upside.
Gang, one of the smartest apps you can have in your phone in 2025 is Upside. Upside gives you the power to earn more on the stuff you buy all the time, whether you're filling up your tank, going out to eat, or shopping for groceries. The Upside app lets you earn cash back on every purchase. Upside users are making as much as how much you think? I don't know, $50? $280 a year. What?
That's a little bit of cash.
Okay, let's talk about Helix one more time. Oh, I'll sing it for the rafters, baby. I love Helix. We'll be talking about Helix from the get-go. We'll be talking about it to the end of time, baby. That's how much we love Helix. I'm telling you. It's got one problem over at Helix. The beds are too good. Big man don't want to get out. Man, I want to stay in that thing all the time.
Give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Harland Williams, everybody. Yay!
That's my dream machine. You get me? That and the CPAP. Good night. Gang, do yourself a favor. Get over to Helix. Take the two-minute quiz. Find out how you sleep, whether you sleep on your side, on your back, whether you sleep hot, you're cold, you're a big guy, you're a small guy, are you tall.
They'll match you with the perfect mattress just for you, and you'll be sleeping like a dream in no time. Yeah.
No, I can't either.
We know the house is nice. We know you got a nice set of silverware in there.
See, that kind of shit is so cool to me.
Being in Hollywood at that time when all those guys were getting old and stuff like that.
I don't know what that is.
Anybody else you go to? You go to anybody else's estate sales like that?
Peanut butter-wise, you chunky... Are you chunky? Are you smooth?
Is that a staple in the Williams home?
Is there a jar of peanut butter always there?
Yeah, right? Nice and sweet little club soda.
You're an apple juice man.
It's an old school thing.
How many bathrooms are in the house right now?
One downstairs, like a powder room?
So we were over at the house for the pool party. Is there a designated bathroom that we can go into? Yeah, yeah, in the guest room. In the guest room? Yeah. Now, what if I went into the bathroom in your room? Would you be upset with that?
If you were at like a fancy Hollywood party. Yeah. The who's who is there. And we're there, right?
Jack Nicholson, fucking Mel Gibson. I don't know who else. Everybody's there. Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito. And you had to go. Would you leave?
You're having a stroke with a lot of sugar.
No, if you had to make a doo-doo.
What's so hard to believe? That's how good you are. I just noticed the tape measure on his waist.
That's a weird-looking dude.
Good luck finding a pair of sunglasses to fit that face.
So your sister's working at a diner.
I know exactly. I just saw a clip of hers yesterday.
And so funny. And it had to be recently that.
Now, would that keep you from listening to her music and passing that on from generation to generation? Never listening to her?
She slapped your aunt in the face? No, my sister. That would be, if it was the next generation, it would be their aunt. But it was my sister. No, I'm saying you would be telling the next generation of your family.
She's like, I'm like a bird.
I mean, that's a hit.
Came out 25 years ago this month.
I swear to God, I just saw Johnny Billboard over here. I saw a YouTube short yesterday of five songs that came out 25 years ago today. Yeah. And that was one of them. She's Greek. She is Greek. Yeah. K.U.T. too.
He was a big star.
Ah, the Greek. I'm tying it all in. Yeah, you are. See? We're riffing here, Kippy.
You're well-traveled. Well-traveled. Well-educated. Come from good stock. Yeah. Very smart with your money.
That's Protestant shit, right? Yeah. I assume you're not a bar man these days, right? I'm sure you're some type of body wash. A liquid soap. No, I like both.
Yeah. What is your proper disposal of the end of a bar of soap?
The proper answer. The garbage answer. See, again, why am I classy? I don't know if that's classy, but that's not the trash answer. The trash answer is you take it and you put it in a toilet.
Yeah, you put it in a toilet and it disintegrates even more and you just flush it away. That's what my mom always did. It was always one sitting there. She's a plumber, so you got to listen to her. But what's the difference? It's going to the same place. Yeah, there's no difference. It's just one happens to be trashier than the other. Okay, okay. I might have to push back on that.
That stands to reason that you only wash your feet once every six months because how often are you running out of soap?
Do you have how long a bar of soap lasts?
About a month.
Kip, what do you know about Pesty? Oh, baby, I did it two weeks ago out of the burbs. Gang, it's the springtime, and you got the bugs starting to come out of the woodwork. You know, they hibernate in the winter. They start crawling around. The spideys, the ants. Creepy crawlers. Everybody starts getting around. Do yourself a favor. Get over to Pesty.
Pet-friendly, kid-friendly, bug-repellent, and take it from the bug man. He knows.
You're an old Big Mac rapper. Okay, good. Just outside the trash can. I love it.
Safe for the kids, safe for the dogs.
Shopify, Shopify, Shopify is right. Gang, if you run a small business, you know there's nothing small about it. It's a big deal. Sure. All right? And if you want to run your business right, your online business, you got to be using Shopify. It's just how things work. Everybody's using it. We're a Shopify family.
We know we got a lot of hustlers out there, a lot of people doing side gigs and all that kind of stuff, that that's what they really want to be doing. Get linked up with Shopify. and take your business to the next level.
You fly up front, I assume? Gentlemen such as yourself? Yeah, I'm a cockpit guy.
I would have freaked out.
Which, other than that, they're cute as a button.
We had a family of them living underneath our house for a long time, and it was bad.
Tried to cover it up with mothballs. It was bad.
A rough time.
Yeah, I haven't touched your Coke or your sun kiss.
That was good effervescent right there.
You know, you've got to watch. You're a California man. You're not going to be able to get that out there. What? Because you're not allowed to have the dyes in them anymore. Is that right? Yeah, they're going to start making them the way they do in Europe.
And it's actually theoretically, if you want to get technical. I do. From my server experience, it's not really salmon. It's trout. No. Yeah.
With the tents around them. Huge giant pools, yeah. That might be real salmon.
Trout are freshwater fish. A lot of the salmon on the, am I right? You're wrong.
How am I wrong?
I'm winning.
Are you a big fisherman?
Salmon trout. So what does that mean?
A species of salmon. It's a salmon.
It's a kind of trout. So I'm saying they pass that off as salmon. is what I'm saying.
Yes. Is salmon trout farm raised and served at restaurants passed off as salmon?
Have you ever been canoodling?
They show chicks doing it, too.
Can't they slap you too? I thought catfish can hit you with their tail.
Can you imagine sticking your hands in there? That would fucking bug me out.
Classy guy.
What'd you find out about the salmon trout?
Restaurants aren't serving it saying it's salmon?
It sounds like you're not going to make it.
It'd be a mess. Luke Lobster all over the place. Not to mention the lawsuits. Jesus Christ.
Wait, hold on. Pause that real quick. I'm sorry. The salmon trout. I'm putting myself right on that. When you do get a soda on the plane, do you say, give me a glass with ice and the can, or do you accept just the cup of it?
I always say, give me this can. I thought a soda man like you would say, give me a glass of ice and the whole can.
I've seen them load their regular bags of ice.
It's all trout. What are you talking about?
He's flying up front. What are you talking about? This guy's got cash. That's still the fuselage.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%.
Wow. I was going to ask you in a non-airplane ice setting. Yeah. Submarines. Submarines. They make their own ice. Sir, salmon trout, 9 o'clock. Salmon trout, get ahead, sir.
Have you ever played a radio man on a submarine?
What the fuck? That's so crazy. I'm like, are you?
That's so crazy. That's like in my brain.
You don't have an owl calling itself who.
It's odd. Back to the ice question.
You're at the house. You're at an ice restaurant. You're at the Palm. You and Henry Winkler.
At the Brentwood Market. Brentwood Market. We've seen Henry Winkler. For Hollywood. Yeah, yeah.
Got a lot of friends in Bakersfield, too.
We've seen Henry Winkler twice in the wild for some reason. We saw him once in Austin. Or Winklerologist. And we saw him at the Brentwood Market. Seems like a lovely gentleman.
He's super nice. I'm 49 years old. When I was a kid, the Fonz, forget about it. I mean, he was everything to me. That's right. So let's say you're over at Henry Winkler's house and you're having a soda.
Or anywhere non-airplane ice where you have a phobia about it. Are you the kind of guy that will take a sip, and if an ice cube gets in your mouth, will you spit it back into the cup? Are you okay with that?
You got grass out at the house?
You got a front yard with grass?
You got ice at the house?
Do you have an actual ice maker? I assume you do. Like a restaurant style.
That's all right. That's a good piece of business right there. We got to wrap it up, unfortunately. Oh, man. Guys, one of our absolute favorites. Wacky. Mr. Harlan Williams. Still classy, baby. Thank you, guys. You're class all the way. Oh, wow. Crazier than ever. This is going to come right out. Anything you want the folks to know?
Is that you just doing a screening of the movie? Is this just like just is it going in theaters?
Harlan Williams, everybody. We love you, buddy. Thank you so much for coming in. Kippy, what do you got for us?
Harlan, we love you.
Were you taken off or anything like that?
Is this a flight attendant?
The same flight attendant that you dung four times.
They recognize you on the plane walking to the airport. I'm sure people stop you. Hey, let me get a pic.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
You don't want to be back there with the heathens.
It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that if they're good to be classy, or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Dave Tully, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition. She just made a little breakfast. Okay. Newport 100 and some cooking wine. That's not bad.
Sounds like you like having sex with a duck breast. You say a foodie. Do you like a duck breast?
Hold on. Wolfgang Pucks. We forget about this now. We're very nostalgic when it comes to Hollywood around that time. You were there. Yeah. Do you remember when Wolfgang's opened? He was in the cockpit. Were you going there in the 90s?
Especially if you're having like a business thing or something like that.
Yeah. You're also, which interests me, from the time when, like, you know, as you were popping off, certain executives might want to, you know, work with you and stuff like that. They take you out to a dinner like that. Get wined and dined.
Like the head of Sony or CBS or something like that takes you out? Now, when you would be in that situation, if an executive would say, we want to be in the Harlan Williams business, and they take you out back in the day, knowing that they're going to pick up the check, would you be banging them out, or were you pretty...
The Palm Restaurant.
It's going to be a short day. I'll tell you that right now. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman, and he's my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him, and I don't care who knows it. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
As a comic back then, that was somewhat of a flex, too. You would want to go to where other comics might be having dinner. It's like, oh, look, Harlan's having dinner with fucking Robert Evans.
The Palm closed in L.A.? It closed, yeah. With all the pictures on the wall and all that stuff?
You ever meet Carson? You ever meet Johnny Carson?
You were on Star Search?
How'd you do? This is before everything, right?
This is before the movies and all that stuff?
Yes, sir, and we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. One of the few, believe it or not, to come up classy. Put us through the ringer. In the RU Garbage algorithm, don't let the sun-kissed coffee and can of Coke fool you or the MacGyver leather jacket that he walked in.
new tour announcement gang the boys are heading back out on the road for the back on the block tour baby we're coming to a city near you we're talking about live are you garbage stand-up comedy and a whole mess of beers yeah we're starting off this march we're in pontiac michigan indianapolis indiana milwaukee wisconsin madison wisconsin minneapolis minnesota then we're going out there to the berg baby pittsburgh pennsylvania cleveland ohio and atlantic city at the borgata
No, but he's moving it, so he's got to go get gas and something. I don't know if he's taking it to work. I do see it parked a lot. I've never seen it moving, but it's all over the neighborhood. He's moving it back and forth. Can you track this guy down and do a little impromptu interview with him on the street? Hey, man, I just want to talk to you for a little bit.
How does this have me at knife point going through my wallet? What are you talking about? That guy needs cash. Man, God love him. Yeah. He's doing what he's got to do. For some reason, he's got to hang on to that fucking thing. But what's the reason? I don't know. That's what I want you to find out. It looks like there's a Molotov cocktail hanging out of that thing.
He was trying to get somebody to try to burn him out of that thing. And it's gotten progressively worse because it used to be still, like, taut in the back. I think the snow really, really took the structural integrity of that back cloth out. It's got to be colder as shit in there, dude. It's got to be. Going down to Henry Hudson? Oh, my God, dude. The heat don't work in there. Bojo. Goddamn.
You probably got to start a small fire to keep warm in there. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Yeah. And I ain't just a pitch man. I'm a client, baby. Kids in the markets. I'm sitting pretty over there. You don't want to know what I got coming when I'm 88 years old. What time is it in Beijing right now, big man? Check the markets. Check the numbers. What's up? What's down? Who cares?
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Compensation provides incentives to positively promote Acorns. Tier one compensation provided. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash garbage. Do it. Do it. Okay, let's talk about iRestore. iRestore. Activate. Let's go.
I had the Heineken one time, and you looked at me like I was trying to poison you. Yeah, that's not. I mean, that's commie talk right there. You don't like an Amstel Light? What are we doing here? No. Goddamn American beers. Maybe in a pitcher, maybe in a bottle. I love it in a can. Just like your mom. You like a Guinness? That's an import, theoretically. Sure.
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You don't have to fight it alone. Thanks to iRestore. We thank iRestore. There was that time. Anybody that was like friends with my parents, like their age, that bought the not convertible convertible. What do you mean the not convertible? That's a not convertible. Your mom's Sebring. That's not really. It's a convertible. You watch your mouth about the goddamn Sebring.
It's a convertible, but you just. That's how they all end up. Or in a river somewhere. A lake. What's a rag top? That's a rag top. I don't think so. Yeah, it is. A rag top is fucking a soft top. Yeah, but I think it's just the tie. I don't think the whole thing goes back. I could be wrong. Rag top, a car with a roof that can be folded down. Yeah, just different terms.
What the kids called them back in the 50s.
Well, there's also the ones that just do the middle. It's like the sunroof, but it's like the rag top. And then there's the cars, like the old school Cadillac from the 80s and 90s had the cloth top but weren't... You know what I mean? That's what I thought. That's a little bit of class. I know what you're talking about. Those things are all right.
I saw a loom with one one time when I was in driving my other loom. It was me and Vinny the Skinny coming up the AC Expressway from Wildwood, and we passed like a light blue loom with the cloth top but not the convertible. That's hard underneath. That's like a signature series or something.
Yeah, that thing. You drink with your pinky up when you're driving. That thing's all right. The Mossimo series. Mossimo.
Yeah, but I mean, they sold like surfer t-shirts. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. It usually had like an emblem on it or like some kind of special light. Yeah, it had like a, you know, the Mark IV or whatever. Remember those things were big. My buddy had a Mark IV. My neighbor had a Mark IV or Mark. See what the Marks were. They were trucks. It'd be like Mark IV, Mark V, Mark III.
Vans did them a lot too. No, I don't know. Mark IV. Yeah, it was like an Eddie Bauer. Whatever. Do some fucking in there. Dude, I want to buy us a... I look at them probably bi-weekly buying us a conversion van. How would we get it out to where we're going? What do you mean? So let's take the new tour, for example. We're going to get a minivan. We're going to be zipping around. Yeah.
I mean, I like a Guinness a few times a year, and when I'm dropping Jameson in there, a little carbizzles. That's an import, Jameson. Yeah. You said beer. You don't go for the international beers. No, I'm a goddamn red-blooded American. I drink American beers brewed in Mexico. All the IPAs are usually Americans. Yeah. That you go for? I like a Beck's, like a gentleman.
What if we... Listen, if you're trying to convince me to buy a fucking conversion van this week, you don't got to do any convincing. We could have it meet us in Indianapolis.
Then how do we get it back? Have someone drive it back. That's pretty good. That's not bad, right? Wait, hold on. I thought it was going to be a harder sell to you. What? We might have to do this. I fucking grew up on it. My whole dream is to drive around the country with my boys in a van. Really aim high, huh, big dog? The A-team. That was my favorite show when I was a kid.
All right, Luke, get on conversion vans. Used. Ragdoll. I don't think they sell them new. Yeah. They're like Sprinter-esque. They're like new. They're like big Nice Johns. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure. They're like more caper. Facebook? What are you doing in a Facebook marketplace? They're going to take our information, you nuts. Fucking idiot. Who are you, Patty?
I tell you to buy a car, you go to a fucking Facebook marketplace? I just need my social. How much is it? Go to a reliable thing. So we could have Ryan D drive it out. It's not that far. What's here to Detroit? Probably 12 hours. How about we buy? I'm sure they're probably floating around Pontiac left and right. I'm not flying out there and buying a car sight unseen.
Wait, didn't you do that with the Lumina? You didn't see that. What? You never saw. I'm not living in the Lumina either. I'm also not driving the Lumina cross country. Fair enough. That's too worky. No. The one on the... Yeah, they get like sprinter-ish.
No, no, no. I got you. Go down. Right there. Right? Over one. Yeah, right there. Chevrolet Conversion Van. Explorer Limited. Four-wheel drive. Seat seven. Nice. Pop in there. Let me see the... Look at that thing. That thing's sweet. Let me see an interior. I don't fucking see the back of it. Click on one of the interiors, you buzzo. This guy stinks. Ah, there we go. Okay. Look at that.
Me and you in the front seat. I got to start smoking again. Keep going. I'm smoking heaters if we get this. That's got a hitch. Keep going. Show me the inside. Yeah, what did... They're hiding something. Oh, we can lay it down and fuck it. No, I want it where it's like a... Captain's chair. Like a party back there where you can turn the seats and talk in the chair. With a table.
What are you, an executive for General Electric? Who has that? I want us to be the 18th. We'll get some Kalashnikovs, real shiny ones. Put them in a footlocker in the back. That's what they used. I'm telling you, this might be pretty sick. Yeah, the interior right there. Nobody ever called the A-team out for using AKs. They used AK-47s. They were goddamn Vietnam vets.
They should have been using M16s.
Grand? Yeah, man, we're out. What's that come do? See, give me a loan on 46 grand. A car loan on 46 grand. We'll check back in with you. Can we lease one? Lease one? No, just buy it. I think there's a tax thing where you can write off a bunch of it then. If we lease it or if we buy it? I think if you buy it. Okay. Yeah, I don't like something new like that. That's nice, though.
Take a peek into that if that's okay. Imagine the boys pulling up the fucking. That would be a good dude. The Pittsburgh improv in that. That's a fuck. We might have to do this. Dude, it's got shades on it. It's got window treatments. What's more fucking are you garbage than rolling around show to show in a fucking conversion van? It's pretty sick. See if they can get a convertible. All right.
Seriously, I thought you were going to be a tougher sell. Ten years when the bottom drops out, we're still driving that thing around. It's all fucked up. Of course. That's a nice car. All right. We might be. All right. Okay. This might just be fun.
Find out the loan payment on a $50,000 car. What I can get. And just for shits and giggles, can you do this? Can you look up and see what the 2025 conversion van scene looks like? You got car payment calculator. Oh, it's a scene, man. This is never good. I'm not trading anything in. Who's this, Luke? What's his bank? It's just a... Dude, you're in the ads now, man. Oh, you're fucked.
I know you like an Amstel Light. Nah, that's a- Come on. Beck's is a non-alcoholic. At the country club? Dude. You don't get an Amstel Light with your salmon pants? Bud Light, man. You drink all the beers that were cool in 2001 for a weekend. They all had a good marketing campaign in the late 90s. Oh, I'm sorry. Landshark's coming back. Hey, shout out to Land Cheetles.
Just go to Google. There should be a Google one. They already got our stuff. Great. Great job, Luke.
Yeah, we are. Fucking Foley gets his autistic brain. Hey, don't look over there. Look over here. You just put in the industry as agriculture. You fucking dude. All right, let him be. Stop it. He's not good under pressure. Um, that might be, that might be the bat. Talk about back on the block toward the boys rolling up in a, in a conversion van. I like it. Cooler, full of beers in the back.
On the East Coast, we can just drive.
Head up to Boston, Rochester.
Spend a weekend. You're pulling a Rochester and that DeBronza will be jumping out the window.
I like it. But all that's neither here nor there. We'll check back with Luke. Wait, you got a monthly payment of $2,400. It's $24,000. What do you got us tied up in here?
There we go. I can swing 1,000 for 60 months. I'll chip in 40. I got five on it. That's not a bad idea. I mean, just for fun. How much would it cost to drive out? Okay, let's say theoretically, how much do you think it would roughly cost to drive it out from here to wherever the first place that we're going? Pontiac. I know, but I'm just saying in general. Luke, NYC to Detroit.
I think it's probably 12 hours. It's not that far on a map.
We pay Ryan D one day, 10-hour day, drives out there. We meet him. The boys are whipping all through the fucking Midwest. What are we doing with him? What do you mean? He's hanging? Yeah. All right. Need a wheel, man. Plus, he'll get used to driving the car. That's pretty good. I mean, we might have to do this, actually. That's a pretty good time. It's not a bad idea.
Listen, I've been wanting to do this, and if you're okay with it, I can keep it in the burbs. You're going to park a van? Welcome to the neighborhood, dog. Kids, welcome. Free candy sign on it. The back door is just always open. You're always just moving a couch out of the back of it with a... A cast on your arm. Buffalo Bill. That's how he got the governor's daughter.
Whatever. I love that. All right. We might fucking have to do this. Cool. Man, that just got. I love. I love a good. Can we get a paint it? I love it. Yeah. A Y G colors. What do we fuck? What do we power? Ninety nine. Going up to do a street event or something like one of those cheap weed trucks. Yeah. It's just mine. Your face. Our eyes are all bloodshot.
Got a garage or a garbage pail on our head. Free lollipops at every purchase. Now, is there any way? Listen. Hold on. Wait one second. I apologize. To any homies and or bozos out there that work in the automotive sales industry, And or narcotics. In the tri-state area, they have a line on a good side. I also think the problem is these things break down.
I mean, if our minivan breaks down that I rented from Enterprise, that's fucking Enterprise's problem. This thing breaks down in fucking Toledo. It's got to be a good car. Got to be a good car. Someone can run. I mean, we don't need something with 200,000 miles on it. Mm-mm. Can we paint it the A-team colors? See what a new one goes for. Would you do that?
I did love a good Land Shark. Get a cup of six-pack of Don Cheetles. Get crisscrossed on those things. Man, shout out to Jimmy Buffett. That was his brew. Got another goddamn red-blooded American. He did all right. But listen, all that's either here or there. Guys, if you haven't, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube.
You wouldn't let me paint it the A-team colors, would you? You know what the A-team colors are?
What's that? I mean, an Escalade costs $81,000. What the fuck? Let's see the pictures. Let's take a look. Let's see the inside. The inside's more important.
Why do you show this? Because they're idiots. The air. Got good. Whoa. That's pretty nice.
All right, I think, I mean, come on. It's got a globe on the headrest. We got to do it. I'm an international businessman, goddamn. Whoa. That's it. All right, Luke, earmarked that one. We just bought a fucking conversion van. That's a 2024. That's brand new. How many miles on it? Probably nothing. Couldn't move that thing.
I think it's 86 miles. Yeah, that's fucking... No, no, no, because it's in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. It's 86 miles away. Ah, shit. Whatever. All right. Everybody relax. Whoa, $1,400 a month. For 27 years. Okay, fair enough. Let your money work for you. All right, all that's either here nor there. We may or may not be buying a conversion van for the back on the lot tour.
I'm putting a cassette player in there.
All right, let's get into it. We got a gosh darn family episode on our hands. Guys, as you know, when you join the old Patreon over there, we will answer. You get to ask your garbage questions. We answer it on the air. It is a good frigging time. All right, let's see. This one's just funny. This is from Kippy's Flap Red Catering. Long-time listener, first-time caller.
Yous ever take a girl on a date in a drive-thru car wash? Man. What the fuck? Hopefully you don't do it in that convertible because you'd be jammed up. That's the date? That's a good time. I mean, you figure you're 16, maybe. I'm assuming you're a young kid. You got a car. You don't really know where to go. You want to... Making a move in there. That's not bad, too.
You only got like a minute and a half. That's all I need. That's all I need to be shot down. Okay. Start backing out. I'm in the backseat naked. No, nothing. Drives itself. I move quick. All you guys think no one can see in there. You got the wishy-washy. You got all the... The guy's spraying, but it's part of the excitement. That's how I get my rocks off. Sure. Boy's taking a peek at you. Sure.
Don't want to make you do it. Yeah, that's, I mean, it's kitsch. Who doesn't love going in it, though? My favorite. Yeah, there's not many that you can do it anymore. There's something so cozy about being in there. When the soap gets all over it and it gets like that, it dampens the sound. You're in your own little world. Just you and her. Make a move. Make a move. I'm with it.
And now full video available on Spotify, too. It's crazy. Talk to the bigwigs over there. They got us lined up in a new creator program. No money. Work release. Three years of good behavior, they finally gave us a fucking video. We're on what they call a trial basis. And then, as you may or may not have heard, new tour announcement, baby. The boys are back on the block.
You ever make out in a car? Yeah. Have you? Made out in a car? Yeah. What am I, Amish? Yeah. Who hasn't made out in a car? I don't know.
How you doing? Mr. Duncan. I don't know if it was Duncan. I think there was a Dunn. There was a Mr. Whitmer. He was our classic gym teacher. There was always a Mr. Dunn. Or a Mrs. Dunn. There was a Mr. and Mrs. Dunn, not related. Mr. Dunn was a soccer coach who grew up with my uncles or something. I was always, you're Larry's nephew or something. You get hit with something.
Your head's as big as he told me. It's bigger than I thought, kid. He's smoking. I ain't seen nothing like that since Dom.
On my way. Have they named that deformity yet? Let's see here. That's a good time, though. I do respect the car wash. There's not that many that let you do it anymore. Right? Well, you got to get out because you got to do the fucking... They got to do the inside. Yeah. Which is a real gray area with car washes. Can I tell you that? When I go to my guys, okay?
When I go to the car wash, I say, give me like the... Works. The in and out one. The works. It's always the works. I'll do the seal and whatever. The tires. I like the tires being done. But I say really do the inside. There's a lot of French fries in between the seats.
There's a lot of fucking crumpled up, you know. There's a lot of. croissant shavings in there. Flake. A lot of flakes.
Two tree fingernails. Yes. From a specific time, but I just had it done a week ago. Because when we got back from fucking vacation, it looked like somebody had taken a shit all over the car. It was way dirtier than when we left. Like somebody went mud driving in it. But I assume it was just something in the garage. And you go over there like a pipe or something like that.
It looked like somebody had splatted my car with something. It really did. Might have been Mr. Duncan.
Anyway. You say do the inside. They kind of give you a little pushback. Like, oh, if you want the inside really done, you got to get the detail. Yeah, sometimes you'll see it. Listen, my car's always a fucking mess, but I just did it not too long ago. And then you get in, and you just see they did one wipe over the dashboard.
I'm like, you just made it look worse because I can see where you missed now. Before, it was all just kind of dirty, and my eyes adjusted to it, and I didn't realize it. But now there's one clean streak where your rag was. I stand there, and you make sure that I tip them. I give them $10. I don't understand why they do the bucket.
My place does the bucket, and they don't even address you for the cash. Like, they're just, you put it in the bucket. But I wanted to let you know I'm greasing you good because I grease good. Yeah. But they don't. You want the points. They, like, scary off. And I'm like, hey, come back. I always hand it right to them. Hey, thank you so much. Mine, five guys or girls.
It's a very eclectic crew my place has. It's all over. It's all different walks of life. It's crazy, dude. Everyone's all over it. And then. Going on to the next one. I don't like it. Gang, the show is sponsored by Liquid IV, baby. Liquid IVs. Oh, the best in the biz. Do yourself a favor.
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This is the first I'm hearing about this. Have you given me the dates yet? I'm going to need you. I got a lot going on. I'm going to need you in the spring, big dog. You got to move a couple of months to get back in airport walking shape. Oh, God. Let's talk about this. Big new tour. Back on the block. The boys.
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Uh-huh. You know who else uses Shopify? Yeah, we're a Shopify company, man. Best check out in the game, baby. If you want to take your small business seriously, you got to have Shopify. Otherwise, what are you doing? You might as well be selling jewelry out of the back of your trunk. Which ain't nothing wrong with it, but get on the web. Listen, Shopify, we have a lot of- The World Wide Web.
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I hand my ticket back because they give you a ticket. Like, give them this. I put the five or the ten in the ticket. Always. Also, like, whenever... I've stolen a bunch of their rags, too, by the way. Sure. Those little green chamois. I know. I got, like, four of them in my trunk. Oh, let me real quick. It's disgusting. Pull out of there. Those things are great.
Yeah, you can also just, like... Microfiber. You can also just... They're, like, 99 cents for a pack of 10. We have them in here. These are worn out and ready to go, though. Yeah, with, like, other people's dirt and chemicals all over them. Come on. You're in there blowing your nose with it. A little dabble, do you? And I know they know when they look in the trunk that that's theirs.
I also don't like that they go in the trunk. I got shit back there. You're fucking rooting around. A trunk is a sacred, but you ain't the cops. You need a warrant for that shit. You can't just go popping that. They're cleaning it. Nah. A trunk is a person's private closet. That's not for public people to see. You're crazy. No. What do you got going on? You got weed in here, Kevin.
I mean, I'm just saying the rest of the car is presented to go, this is ready to be cleaned. I take all the shit that's in the car, the front of the car, and I put it in the trunk. That's my storage domicile. Sure. Sure. And then they go popping that to do the window. I'm like, whoa! Now all my business is out on Front Street. Dirty panties and dildos are in there. Vibrators fall out.
Here we go. Back in a minivan. The tour bus is done. They took it back. What? We can't afford it. We're back in a van moving, shaking. I like it. I'm doing 95. Couple of clubs. I'm seeing moves three, four steps ahead of time. That's what I'm doing. You got to get a new playlist. You're killing me. Driving blindfolded. That's the new tour.
Like the little teeth? It's a loaner. The car's not mine. I had a conversion van coming, actually.
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Sure. Repo man came and took it. I believe. Now looking back, I'm putting all the pieces together. I think that's what happened. A friend wasn't borrowing it. Sure. I remember being like, whatever. He rented a car from Enterprise. Because I guess, I don't want to get into it. I guess he was just like, this is $20 a day.
Aren't those payments just about as much as the car, though, at the end of the day? What do you mean? Like to rent a car for a month? I'm sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why he was. Listen, I don't know. But we were in a rental car for a long time to the point where I remember Enterprise was like calling the house. But you still have that. You got it. This was great.
You remember what the plates were? You've told me this before, but not the plates. But do you remember what the plates were? Were you driving around Pennsylvania with like Arizona or something?
Yeah. Nah, yeah, I just remember being like, geez, that's when it hit me.
Yeah. It was, like... It was when it was, like, trying to be, like, a Scion. You remember that? Like, those, like... There was, like, a light in it, and, like, it was, like, a tricked-out neon. I mean... Yeah. Those things are sad. That thing's kind of fucking whipped work, though, if I'm being honest with you. That thing's like a little go-kart, dude.
Me and Vinny with the skinny used to fucking... We'd go fucking scooting around in that thing. That was an all right time. The racing stripes are all right. Sure. We have to get some type... If for some reason we ever would be able to pull off the fucking conversion van, we got to get some type of paint job. Sure. I mean, we can get a loan.
I mean, we can't buy it cash, but we can fucking take on a car payment. I mean, we are a pretty successful company. We can take on all car payment. I call shotgun and back right at my discretion. I'm going to be able to open the door and get out. This might be sick, right? The only thing is you got to get it out. If we get the AKs. Can't take them across the lines, dude. A-Team did it.
They don't know. Those guys are a couple of renegades. That was a different time back then. Soldiers of fortune. Very true. Sure. I don't think. I think it could work. We just got to find the right guy to get it out there and get it back.
If I hear that Creedence Clearwater Revival playlist one more time, I'm going to jump out the window. I put that on for you. We've gone over this. That's you. I mean, what do you want? Listen, I can only hear fucking REM so many times. That's so funny.
I'll meet yous out there. Give me a couple days to get my head clear. Clear my thoughts. All right. Man, you'd be jerking off in that thing like crazy. And you know it. You'd be wailing on yourself. You'd be taking yourself to the car wash if you catch my drift. I've had that thing sold for drug money before I hit the GW. I see you in my neighborhood. Two days later. What the fuck?
You're supposed to be in Pontiac, Michigan for the back of the block. I'm sleeping in it. You're in that car.
Hey, Kippy. I traded this straight up. Some kid in town.
All right, let's see here. This one's from Fat Court Public Defender. What? Is it garbage for my dad to refuse that he needs reading glasses and instead he carried around a magnifying glass for 10 years? I've seen that in practice. That's worse, man. It's like, well, what are you, like a detective all of a sudden? Like a detective from the 1400s all of a sudden? That's insane.
How do you think, like, what embarrass, I'd be way more embarrassed pulling out a magnifying glass than a set of readers. I mean, readers are so commonly used at this point. Yeah. I have multifocal lenses in my contacts. What's that mean?
They're reading glasses inside the contacts, but they get real big. Are you the Terminator? You got the little green red thing. You're like a fighter jet tracking system. I'm engaged. Take the shot. Take the shot. Take it.
yeah if i look someone's on me they're locked in you're panicking if i look down really yeah it's it's bifocal we got them bifocal contacts bifocal contacts whoa yeah i'm point or i'm plus 500 pounds 1.75 reading i don't know what that means but that's what i need to read However, they get mixed up a little bit because they move around in your eyes. Yeah, no shit.
I was just thinking about that, that I would like to hear some REM. Oh, my God. I'm getting back into them. That's good. You can get back into them on your time. I saw Michael Shannon covering Driver 8. You guys hear that? I'm trying to plug a goddamn tour over here. You're talking about washed up rockers. Well, talk to me about it. I forget all the details. No. Guys, the new tour starts in March.
And you can't really see shit well, especially on the phone. You're not driving a van. This is crazy. Sometimes I got to hold it like that or like I can't read. He blinked and then blinked again. You're like an alien. Like this is pretty good, but like I would have to like. Is it like the bottom half of the contact kind of? Yeah, like the closer I get it to it, I can't read that stuff.
But if I move it away, I can see it. Point is, I'm thinking about ditching them and just going with the readers. Not the half-readers, but you get full glasses, and you just keep them here, and you put them on. Yeah. It's kind of distinguished for an older gentleman. I don't disagree. I think you play very young. You play very young. You look younger than you are.
Which is weird with the guy who got the readers. I'm just saying, I think it's going to age you quick. I think you look great. What'd you say? What? You're going to be like your character from Uncle Daycare. Uh-huh. Because they hang on your nose, and I think it's going to be a tough look for you. When a good-looking older guy has them, they look good. Which you are not. I'm aware.
Like when you see Ruffalo or Timothy Olin fan. Oh, movie stars? You mean hot guy movie stars? Yeah, they look pretty cool doing it. Yeah. But you're going to have the fucking, you might as well get a set of Rex bags.
The ones that snap.
It's always like a mechanic. But that's when you know they mean business. That guy's working for a living. It's getting done. That guy ain't an accountant. He's got grease on his fingers, and there's a lot of stuff in his front pocket. But a magnifying glass. Nothing on that. The magnifying glass is crazy. That's crazy. I've seen it once on the Metro North when I was coming home from New Rochelle.
A woman had it out looking at the newspaper. I was like, toots. You got to buy you a set of readers. What are we doing here? This is crazy. You look like a bird. I'll never forget it. You need a two-piece and a fucking Brazilian. What's going on? What? I don't know. Oh, God. What? Let's have her tighten it up a little bit. Young it down. No? I don't follow.
You don't know what a two-piece in a Brazilian is? And you're telling me you're making out in a car? You're saying this girl wants that? This lady should. She was like 80. Still. Okay. I'm sorry. I got lost.
Let's start with a pair of readers.
You jumped right to the tube piece. You still did a Brazilian. It is the 2000s. I'm the asshole. I just got lost in the riff. This is a good name. This is from Bacon, Egg, and Cheeks. That guy be fucking. Salt pepper ketchup. Salt pepper raw dog. Bacon aching cheeks is good.
All right, let's see. $10, homie. Never have one read. Are you garbage? If to get out of a bet, you claim you said doll hairs instead of dollars. My buddy Dustin taught me about doll hairs, and it blew my seven-year-old mind. I ran around school betting the house on everything. I take doll hairs. I take doll hairs. What happens when you got to make good with the doll hair? Go to my sister's room.
Start fucking, get the shears out. Did your sister play with dolls? Did she have dolls? I mean, she was young. Did you go rooting around and looking at them? By the time I had come of, you know, came online, she was older, so no. No? You weren't looking under the dresses of Polly Pocket or whoever it was? No, I think she was a Cabbage Patch gal at the time. They didn't do it for you.
Let's go. Let's fucking go. March 8th, we're going to be in Pontiac, Michigan. And then Monday, March 10th, we're going to be at Helium Comedy Club in Indianapolis, Indiana.
It was more of an American dream doll, American girl doll, whatever it is. Slide your ass in that Corvette and take it for a spin. Looking back, there was no real... feminine toy game in the house when I was growing up. She's five years older than me. By the time I'm four, she's nine. It was very much my brother's whatever. I didn't mind a nice dollhouse when I was a kid.
I thought you were cool. Mm-hmm. I remember one I could fit in at my dad's mom. Yeah, it was at my dad's mom. I think that was just the apartment you guys were living in. My grandma and Babs.
It was like a drum roll, dude. My fat ass sliding. You never fell. You didn't tumble. You just landed on your butt and coming out like the cop from the slide. It scared the shit out of you, though. Oh, my dude. Heart. You catch that in your socks? Fresh pair of whites? Oh, man. Because I was always over there on Christmas and stuff, so I had a freshie on. I'd go down. Ruin my good khakis.
My uncle lived down there, too, for a period of time. And I remember rooting around. But there was a dollhouse. I guess one of my cousins, one of my older girl cousins had this. It was a big dollhouse. And I could go in and bang on it. I could go in and I could climb in it. Really? It was one of those big, older. I think it was for more cabbage patch things. Size dolled. Damn. Yeah.
I remember rooting around in there looking for some broads. Going through the pockets of the dolls. Looking for some undies in there or something.
Very nice. Then we're going to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And then we're going to Madison, Wisconsin. Okay. Then we're going to Minneapolis, Minnesota. And then in April, we're doing a Pittsburgh improv out there, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. And then we're going to Cleveland to do Hilarities. Okay. And then in July, we're taking it down a shore to Atlantic City, New Jersey, the Music Box at the Borgata.
A gentleman who hung around. An aunt? What? Wait, the guy was? He wasn't, yeah, I think he had, I don't know. He was hanging around one of your aunts. Yeah. I don't know if they were ever married at the time. If they were, it was before my remembering, but he was my cousin's dad. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. Did he later disappear? I don't know. Yeah, he never came around.
But I remember one time he was in a wife beater and those light blue. It's all heads up. Light blue jean shorts like the early like they were from the 80s is probably 91. And these are like 88. He's got on, you know what I mean? The light, light wash ones. Sure. Hem. Nice hem. And like these were these were jean shorts when jean shorts were frickin jean shorts. I got you.
Big pair of white high tops and white high socks. As Joe Dirt as you can get. So he did drugs? I don't think he was doing green juices. I don't know. I don't know the man. I couldn't pick. This is my only memory. Do you still see the aunt? No, we don't really talk to that side of that. I talked to some of them. But this is the time that you did. This is the time we go over there.
And he was your direct cousin's father. Yeah. So for all intents and purposes, this was your aunt and uncle. That was my aunt. Sure. Sure. That was my aunt. But then he was, they had, I don't know if they were ever together. They separate. I don't, I don't, I don't remember. Isn't it funny as a kid when you get that vibe, you know, that like this guy's not really something. This guy's a fringe.
Uncle Jimmy. Uncle Jimmy. Sure.
Like, yo, look what I got. What, like an RC car? Yeah, but it was a little more revved up. It wasn't like a toy. It was not a good one. One of the good ones. It was a good one. A two-stroke? No, but one of those big batteries. Ooh. Not like double A's. You had to charge. We're not talking about some Radio Shack thing that didn't work at the end of Christmas. No, this thing moved. Okay.
And had like the base, the top, the body that came off, and he could just ride around as the car. I don't think he ever told us this. And I remember he goes, yeah, this thing. Because we were cooking in the back alley.
And I was like, what? I remember being like, you're a grown man. You have children. And you want to, like, he was like, let's get over to the baseball field and launch this thing off the pitcher's mound. Life beater and all. He didn't give a fuck if that thing broke. He had a heater going on.
What a fucking dirtbag. Outs fucked up, dude. It's all smashed.
Gotta shake them up, shake them up, shake them up. Let's go. I'm still on a heater from fucking parks. I know. Continue that down to shore. But first, man, talk about a salt to the earth run. That is that's middle America, baby. That's fucking we're hitting all the B level cities. You got back to the roots. Back on the block tour. The boys are going to be coming.
I'm going back to the house and get some of that green bean casserole.
What a piece of shit. He had the longest cigs I've ever seen in my life. These things were like 250s, dude. I remember because everybody smoked, and he would bust these. He was smoking newbies, if I recall. That was one thing I always knew as a kid. I always deciphered who smoked what, and I really judged him for it. My dad was a big part of my life, and he was a Reds guy.
So I gave you in and around there. My stepdad was Winston, so I gave you that. But if you rolled up smoking... Something I ain't ever seen before. We had a family friend. You were smoking camels? Yikes. We had a family friend who was a lady who smoked merit. I didn't know what they were. They looked weird, and they were always in a soft pack. I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. Sure.
Send her off the pitchers, man. That's long. She walked the pitchers, man.
The body cracked. That's what it was. They had the thin body and that cracked.
I had a friend in this one neighborhood that we lived in. She was the only person that I was friends with, really. It was a time where me and my brother weren't really hanging that much. It was only like a year or two.
that's an age thing it's probably like 10 or whatever yeah he's 12 or something it's like it's a little bit of like i don't want to hang out with my little brother yeah and i got a star screamer star scream the transformer okay okay and this was big for me this was big to have this star screen And I was playing with it over there, and the guy that was fucking her mom. What?
That's the only way I can describe it. It was a dude she was dating. He was some sleazeball that had a fucking used car dealership in town. He always smelled like so much cologne, like so much. He was fucking with it or something like that. I brought it over there, and he dropped a piece of plywood on it, and it shattered the cockpit.
And I remember him just like not giving a fuck and being like, ah, hey, it still works though. You're all right. I'm like, pussy, I just fucking, my mom just bought this thing.
I used to get yelled at, Dad, if I get new clothes or a new toy or something on a credit card, and then I broke it in the first third before that billing cycle. This ain't even freaking paid for yet. I'm still freaking paying this off. What do you think I walked into when I walked in and Patty saw the damage on a fucking goddamn transforming jet?
Freaking out. It's called the Department of Defense. Somebody get me Rumsfeld. This fucking dirtbag. Uh-huh. Hated that guy. Yeah, I get it.
His last name was the name of an insect. Bug? Roach. Yeah.
It's Starscream we're talking about here.
St. Bumblebee, one of the little ones. That was like a tie-in one. That was expensive. I've only ever broke one thing. You know how many jeans Patty had to sew to get me that? Sure. I broke my buddy's dad's hammer and he got real mad at me. Like too mad at me. I was like, I'll get you a hammer. I'll get you a new hammer. How'd you break his hammer? We were hitting rocks.
It was me and Vinny with the skinny. He got two hammers. Was it Vinny's dad's hammer? Yeah. Shout out to him. I love Vinny's dad. Vinny's dad's fantastic. We were young. And I just get it. He was like, he probably just bought it. And then it's just like, you weren't even... Was it wooden? How do you break a hammer? You're smashing rocks. You're just hitting like hard rock, like in the earth rocks.
If you've never been to a live show, it's me and the big man do stand-up. We got an opener, too. And then we play AYG with the crowd. It's a good freaking time. I suggest you come. If you've been, come back, baby. We want to see you again. I genuinely... Not for nothing, these shows are going to sell out pretty quick. So act now. Promo code garbage to get access.
Not like... I still don't see how you would be able to generate enough torque. To break it. I guess. No, I think it might have... I forget. I don't think I broke the front. I think I broke the claw, maybe. Like I was trying to pick something out and took the tooth off the claw. Man. I'll give it to him. He didn't yell at me, but Vinny caught a rash in the shit. I always respect that dad.
Wouldn't yell at you, but screamed at the kid. Uh-huh. Just standing in a corner like, hey, you fucked up. I'm just like, thank you for taking the brunt of this and not making it weird. Because the dad who yelled at you, fuck that guy. Yeah, I don't think I've ever really had it.
Also, like, my buddy's dad, anytime they lost it, it was always directed at, they always played it right not to scream at you. I mean, I think if you were to scream at me, that's, I mean, I don't know. You're not coming back. You'll take your turkey sandwich to go, though. Can you wrap this up, please?
Some more bread, too. I'll need you to be directed to the kitchen telephone, please. Can somebody call my father? I'm going to get the blue neon over here ASAP.
I'm sure you're a fucking pest. You're a bit of a roach yourself. I heard my one buddy's mom screaming at me. There's nothing I understand more. I was looking for him. I came in and I was like, yo! I yelled.
I was like, bitch. You think I'm staying for dinner? You're sorely mistaken.
Well, they'll be having meatloaf tonight.
All right. Let's see here. This one's from Josh Ramsey. New $10 Tully nut. Never have one, Red. There you go. Is it garbage to have a few shower beers on your lunch break? After finishing the lunch rush in a steakhouse, I got an hour break from the restaurant. I come home, snap a few cold ones in the shower, go back for the night rush. I don't hate that. I don't hate that either.
Normally, I would be against that, but I don't hate that, especially in that environment. I mean, I think in that industry, that's... And I respect them for going home and taking a shower like a fucking gentleman. I would just go home, smoke weed, sit in my fucking server uniform, and then drag ass in there.
Did you have jobs like that where you would leave midday, or would you just stay for the whole shift? I mean, I would have, like, a break, but I was such a dirtball. Like, I would never think to go home and, like. Do something productive. Or, like, run to the grocery store and do errands. I would probably just sit there and eat something and then be real tired for the next shift.
Yeah, hit, like, a Quiznos or something. Scroll Facebook. I remember that people would do. I remember. I would sit there in the corner. I would never eat somewhere else. I wouldn't go out. I never ate. I always went out somewhere else. Oh, you're crazy.
Pre-sale starts today if you listen to this when it comes out. What is a pre-sale exactly? I'm not really sure. They make you do it. They give you dates. I don't know. Just buy the tickets. So they go on sale. They're on sale until when? 10 o'clock Thursday night? Listen, I'm not sure. They're on maybe. I don't know. Get them tickets. Just buy the tickets. Promo code garbage. Come see the boys.
Yeah, people would do stuff on their lunch break. Like, I got to go. I got to run. I'm running to do this. I'd be like. I'm going to catch me out front with the heaters. That blew my mind. Scrolling. Blew my mind. Yeah. Blew my mind, dude. Uh-huh. So I give it to him. He goes, homie, freshens up, probably throws on a new shirt. Well, he's a cook, so he's got a little bit of a higher-end job.
Oh, he's a cook. So he says, I'm a cook at a steakhouse. Oh, dude, throw on the fresh whites. Yeah, as soon as you come back, a little half-cocked. It's probably even, let's call it three beers. The first beer and a half takes away the lunch rush. Sure. Sure. The second beer and a half gets you in the headspace for whatever. Maybe grab a sandwich. You come back. You're loose. You're ready.
You're not wearing the first half of the day. You hit a coffee. Towards the end of the shift, you probably pop a beer as you're cleaning up. Then you're ready to go out. Perk a doodle or two. Talk to Henry, the waiter. He's holding a little bit. He owes you some money. Yeah, probably. Page in a Vicodin or something. I can see it. Sure. It writes itself.
I'm a little tight on cash right now, but I got some school buses with your name on them. You want to do a Chinese fire drill, huh?
A little bit of a half in it. All right, we got to wrap it up, gang. What a fun one. Yeah, we love you. Guys, the Back on the Block Tour, all tickets are available from Wednesday to Thursday. Promo code garbage. And then I believe they're available to the public starting Thursday night, Friday morning. But get your tickets. Promo code garbage. RUgarbage.com. Some of our favorite cities. Yeah.
Clubs. These are going to sell out quick. Get your fucking tickies. Get your tickies. Come see the boys. We love yous. We'll see you out there. Love you. See you next week.
I'm juiced up. Let's fucking get the fuck out of here. Fucking Tootie breaking my balls all the time. The whole town in my rear view. Let's go. It's going to be a good time. I'm fucking stoked. I love these cities. We've done all of these cities already in the past. I saw my goddamn special there. Madison. If that were. Madison. So it's like these are some of the cities that we were like we love.
These shows are always some of the funnest of the runs. They're fantastic. They're great comedy towns. It's going to be a rough and tumble ride. Pontiac, Michigan. Pontiac, Michigan, baby. Talk about the down and outs. The first of March. Might as well be in. I love it. Let's fucking go. Yeah. So it'll be a good time. Snow still on the ground. Get those tickies.
We can't wait to see yous out there. Absolutely. All the clubs, we do meet and greets. We meet all the homies and all the bozies. Yeah.
Really getting back to our roots, aren't we? Back to the roots.
Who needs tour buses and all that crap? Give me a minivan with a donut on it. And you crushing some corn nuts or something like that. Yelling at me. I'm a gummy bear, man. Everybody knows that about me. But yeah, I can grab those tickets. All tickets available at RUGarbage.com or in the link in the bio on the socials. Let's go. I love it. I got a little something before we get started here.
What can we do for you? I sent Lucas... My door's always open to you. I sent Lucas a picture. Now, listen... You know, we both come from very garbage stock. You know what I mean? Cars haven't always been the best cars. You know, I've only ever had one new car. That was a Kia. That got stolen. Sure. So I don't judge people on their cars at all. Right? I get it. I've been down and out.
I've spray painted my car to cover up damage. I've duct taped my car. I've done it all. That being said, I think there is a limit. To the amount of damage a car should have and still be on the road. I think that's a fair assessment. Yeah, it can't look like a fucking old matchbox car. You can't have the hood off or anything like that.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, Dave Tully, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition.
This car that I'm going to show you, I swear to God, is still in use. He moves it, whoever, it's in different parking spots all the time. He moves it for alternate side parking. So this is an active. This is in the city. This is in New York City. Okay. Active car in the city. The modern day Rome. What? Is that what they say? I don't know. Who are you hanging out with? Becks? Rome?
What are you fucking talking? Who's Becks? Are you going to get a Peroni? A Peroni? I'd like a Peroni. What the hell is wrong with you? And you know what my favorite beer probably is, is that Japanese, was it acai? Acai, super dry, that's delicious. Not going to work here, I'll tell you that much. We are an American Pilsner company, all right?
An American lager, watered down, just like a little bit of metal taste when you pop the bottle of the cap off. Something a little. Did you ever pop that? You pop open like an old Budweiser. There's rust around the top. I hate that, man. That stinks. It's like you're drinking blood. It does. It's like you're eating pennies, dude. Going down. Until you get two tree in you. It don't matter. Sure.
All right, let's see it. Hit them. Look at that thing, dude. The gas tank. It looks like a piano fell on it. It's got that silver, like, thermal duct tape on it. Dude, that is insane. What is that around it? What? Is that a sheet? No, it's like a blue. It looks like that stretchy thing you cover a bad couch with. Sure, sure. Those things, Steve.
Those are like book covers, remember? Those are usually a weed dealer's house. Sure. Covering a thing. You're sitting on that. You take a nap. Ever take a nap at your weed dealer's house? Pass out? Oh, man.
Wake up and the local news is just ending. I gotta get out of here, man. I did. What's he putting in there? You're taking a hit. Talking about into the couch. This guy's snoozing. That's cake. That's not a real car. That's cake, right? Look at the side of that thing. Dude, that thing. What is that? I think it's like a, I don't know what it is.
No, like the side where the tape is touching the white. That's not fiberglass or a regular metal car. No, so the problem, let's put a pin in it. The problem is it's a convertible. The back window is blown out with along some of the top of the convertible, so they've replaced that with like a blue tarpish. That can't be waterproof. That cannot be waterproof, dude. The gas, it's like, what are you?
That's a real nice neighborhood you live in there. What are you talking about? That's a goddamn Hudson River right there. That's a goddamn Palisade. You took that picture in the middle of the summer. The leaves won't grow. That was at two in the morning. Those are the cop lights. Is that Sherwood Forest? That's, I mean... I don't know. That guy's jammed up.
She's upstairs doing a little crypto pump and dump. Okay. Trying to make a buck for the summer. The summer? You got to get ready now. That's a long bump and dump. Hey, don't get caught up in it. Real boiler room stuff she's got going on up there. She's got four guys working up there. Giovanni Ribisi's up there last time I checked. My co-host is coming at you from across the table.
At what point do you just go like, I'm going to get rid of this. Take the tax, donate to Cars for Kids or something. Cars for Kids? This guy, they wouldn't take that. This guy's jammed. Probably a kid in that truck. That's a couple hundred bucks junk. What can you get? I mean, we looked it up. You can get a junk car that's like 200 bucks. Get you 150, 200 bucks. What is that, by the way?
What kind of car? Oh, that's a 1980 POS. They're still making that? I didn't know they came in white. Dude, he's got tape on the – I know you can't see. He's got tape on the dashboard, too. Let's talk about the fucking gas tank. Imagine picking up a broad in that for a date. I'm out front. You can't miss me, lady. I hope you brought your driving goggles. Cloud of smoke coming down his face.
That's insane, dude. What? Dude, that is now for the Northeast. It's like you could have the broken roof if you lived in Santa Fe Desert or something. You know what I mean? Somewhere you're not getting a lot of precipitation. This is the fucking northeast in the goddamn winter. You got to be freezing your balls off. Can I say this? Please. Can I say this? I'm listening.
It seems more often than not, the road of the convertible is paved in disappointment. Sure. More often than not, this is how they end up. You see a guy getting a convertible, and you just know life's not going to work out for you, man. That makes so much sense. My mom had one. Dude, it's the last act of a desperate man. You don't get the convertible.
I mean, the dental practice has to be going real well. There's about 5% of people who have them that can pull them off. Yeah, because you're just not a convertible. You know behind that smile is just sadness and pain. Past two bills. Past two bills. You're still paying for a Ninja Blender. Six easy payments. And you pull up in the convertible. That's how things end for guys that get convertibles.
No matter what. You're not wrong. Because nobody takes them back. Do they still make convertibles? Are we still doing this? I don't really. Find out what. I mean, I'm sure like Mercedes, they got the drop tops, I'm sure. That's different. That thing's in there. Oh, yeah. I read it once. What? I lived like that for a little while. There you go. Your theory checks out. Man. Yeah, that.
If you're driving that. The Mazda MX-5 Miata. Miata's got to have a drop top. You've got to let the air fly when you're driving a Miata. Otherwise, you're not going to pick up the chicks. Otherwise, you'll waste all that money on Bosley. All for nothing. You're jumping out of a pool into your convertible. I figured you would know Bosley. The hell does that mean? I got a TV. Sure, what of it?
I can't sleep some nights. Yeah, I mean, they get you in the middle of the night. No, the BMW is better. So Mercedes-Benz, a Porsche, an Audi, a Chevy Corvette. I'll give you those. Those are... those are, you're allowed to have a convertible. Those will kind of hang in there. The guy in the vet, he maybe has some child support payments that he hasn't paid.
It's what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman, but enjoys domestic beer. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. You ain't lying. Shout out to a nice American ale. Do you like it important? I mean, what are you talking about? Have you imported from fucking Newark, maybe?
Possibly has a Dewey. Now, if you're zipping around, that's a Miata. That's not bad. That ain't good. I don't know about that. You see Uncle Hank zipping around in that thing? You see you're stuck in it. Sure. What are you talking about? I'm sticking up above the windshield. You got to have a drop top.
I tell you what, they look a lot better than the ones in the 2000s and 90s. That tan one's pretty sweet. That one, that's not bad. They are the poor man's Porsche. I mean, yeah, you're trying to look like a Porsche.
But, okay, go back to fucking the white wonder there. That's not it. What? That's not, first of all, that's not really a convertible. That's no, I would argue that's borderline no longer a car. That is not a complete car. No, forget about the damage. I'm saying when that guy bought that, you know, things were looking up. You know, for sure. You know what I like? Right?
I mean, this is really, he's got his convertible. He had his whole life ahead of him. Sure. But, like, the thing I don't get, right, listen, that car's down bad. That guy's probably down pretty bad. I mean, I don't know about that. Yeah, it's fucking down bad.
Gang tickets for the Back on the Block Tour are going quick, baby, so get them wet and getting is good.
Kit, what do you know about Ridgewallet? Shout out to Ridgewallet, baby. Best in the biz. The best in the biz, gang. And here's the good thing. They got the AirTag attachment, so you're not going to lose it. I know. You know what I'm saying? I feel you, daddy-o. Because there's nothing worse than losing your wallet. Gang, we're talking about the fantastic Ridge Wallet. Do yourself a favor.
Get over there. We're talking about over 100,000 five-star reviews. We're talking about a lifetime warranty. This is literally the last wallet you're ever going to buy.
Get the Chinese out of your shit.
I am so happy that you got to check out. Of course, he did 185 episodes of The Drew Carey Show. And he was the host of The Late Late Show from 2005 to 2014. Truly one of the great late night talk show hosts in history. Give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Craig Ferguson.
Okay, let's talk about Shopify, baby.
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And we know we got a lot of hustlers out there, a lot of guys trying to do some side projects. Make that your main project, and Shopify can help you, gang. Shopify is the commerce platform for... behind millions of businesses around the world, and 10% of all e-commerce in the United States. Holy cow. That's unbelievable. From household names like Mattel, Gymshark, to brands that just got started.
We're talking about startups, baby. Yep. Let's go. Do yourself a favor. Get over to Shopify.
Holy shit, that's all right. Was there a family car back then?
But the rest is true. You don't need a stove to cook the eggs. The rest is true, yeah. Holy shit.
What about the holiday? Was that it? Just the goldfish? No dogs?
Get the fuck out of here.
What was the odor that you smelled? Incense?
A nice ass in a bikini. Yeah, there you go. You're a legend, my friend, an absolute legend. Stop it now. I mean that when I say that. Like, truly one of the last great late-night talk show hosts, man. Unbelievable.
The attitude's still in you.
And how was your folks about you playing and practicing? Did it drive them crazy? Yeah.
When he saw you doing something.
Not just playing for the guinea pig.
And then when did you start comedy? You said you came here when you were 21. Did you go back after that?
That knee-knocking bit really worked.
And then when did you get back over here and start really pursuing Stanford?
This is in Scotland or this is in London?
Column A, Column B. Were you based out of Scotland though?
Buddy, welcome to the show.
Where did you move to when you came over? Did you go to L.A.
Time gone by. Yeah. Yeah. Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story, Mr. Craig Ferguson.
Wait, so how long have you been doing stand-ups when you came over here?
And there you go. Yeah, it's not like that. And then where did you land in L.A.? Were you working at the store? Where were you working?
And went out as an actor.
This is multi-cam sitcom studio LA?
So do you call back home and you're like, you know, we're getting there. We're making it.
They can't really wrap their head around it.
Holy shit. That's wild, man. Man, that's crazy. And then what started to – how far removed are we from the Drew Carey show?
And where were you living right before you got the Drew Carey show? So you were... I had a... You didn't have a lot of... You didn't have money saved up.
This is all very new to us.
A lot of guys in sweatpants.
It's just from Raymoor and Flanagan, too. These microphones aren't even on.
Holy shit. Now, okay, sorry. I was going to say, even though, okay, so you just got married. You had a kid.
But when you started getting those kind of checks on a 90s sitcom.
What was that like? You had quit drinking. You had put your past behind you. Was there a crazy big purchase? Or what was that like?
Yeah. You lose all your stuff. Ken, let's talk about Helix Mattress. Oh, I just rolled out of a Helix. I'll tell you right now, you want an endorsement about a product? Helix Mattress, I'm having a hard time getting out of it. Yeah. That's how good it is. Sure. I call it my dream machine. Uncle Hank has been snuggled up in that thing. Man, and I swear to God, it's probably like two years old.
I feel like it's gotten better. Yeah. I mean, dude, I'm in there. It's like fine wine, baby. Buddy, I'm in there. I put the sleep machine on. I got the CPAP going, the AC. I don't want to leave that. That's where I want it. That's my happy place. This is my Helix mattress. Sure.
Gang, whether you sleep hot, whether you sleep cold, sleep on your side, sleep on your back, Helix has a mattress for you. They've been with us forever, and we absolutely love them. And I'm telling you, if you want the best night's sleep of your life, get yourself a Helix mattress.
Man, that's a bad look, Cleveland and Philly.
Now, from that one divorce, did that kind of set you back to, not 27 cents, but did it set you back to somewhat? Close, close to 27 cents.
Got another place in L.A. while you're doing the Late Late Show?
You're doing all right.
We've been in those lines.
About nine and a half years. So what are the vacations like now? What kind of stuff do you guys like to do? Fuck you, man. This is what we want to hear. Yeah, I know. Fuck you.
You earned every dime of it.
You were selling milk on the back of a horse cart. That is fucking true.
Yeah, it's a little place. Is there an economy airline close by? Maybe. They fly over.
You get that thing up high, you go by my house.
Yeah, that's right. A little Protestant and Catholic going on. I like it. Oh, yes. What did your mom and dad do? What kind of house did you grow up in?
Talk about nowhere to money is the casinos.
Yeah, the story where, you know, it was sad when he fell down the hill not that long ago. It was in front of like an Econo Lodge that he was staying at. I'm like, why is Jay Leno staying at an Econo Lodge?
You look sharp in a suit, can I tell you that?
All right, let's talk about in the house a little bit. Do you guys, are the kids grown up? Are they out of the house?
Are we doing family dinners?
Close family, family dinners. Who's doing the cooking? You doing the cooking?
What about the grocery shopping here in New York? Are you guys going out to the grocery store? Are you getting things delivered?
I want to see what we're having tonight.
Okay, but you are going to the store.
I could see you walking around.
Are you a Whole Foods man?
You try to eat right and take care of yourself these days?
I have skin tags all over me.
Do you keep the butter on the counter, or do you keep it in the fridge at the house?
Okay. Fair enough. The ketchup, where do you keep that?
I don't think they're quite the same thing, but fair enough.
Let's go into the bathroom.
Are you peeing in the shower?
You brush your teeth in there?
Do you floss every day?
That's a Scottish in you, though. Yeah, it is.
I'll give you a little bit of a curve on that. Wait, hold on. What about these fudgesicles? You're a fudgesicle man?
I love you. Man, I couldn't like the guy anymore.
When you say the head of the – he was the head of the – He was the king of school.
Fudgesicles and root beer? Woo!
Will you take leftovers home from a restaurant?
And do you like a nice dinner? Do you and the wife, you like to go out to a nice place?
Do you own binoculars?
What kind of car are you whipping around town in?
You were right on the edge there. You got a Ram. Look at you.
Do you have any fireworks in the house currently?
Okay. The bed's a king-size bed, I assume?
Oh, what are you sleeping on a twin in the apartment?
Someone's pregnant again.
It's time to move to the king size. And what are you sleeping in? Are you sleeping in undies? Are you sleeping in PJs?
Silk pajamas and fudgesicles.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians, and we find that at the group to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash.
Do you do any cologne? Are you a cologne guy?
Was there a big increase in his pay? Did you guys kind of move up a little bit?
Who's cutting the hair these days?
Do you go to her, or do they come to you?
When you fly commercial, will you bring – I always fly commercial. Will you bring anything on the plane with you? Will you bring food on the plane?
Take your shoes off on the plane? Yep.
Delay flats. I'd like to hear that. If you're saying you're in the fusel lodge, I'd be upset.
Do you guys do Christmas at the house? Yep. Colored lights, white lights on the tree.
I love how he knew the white lights were classy.
What about the nails? You biting the nails?
Any bad toenails? You got a bad...
Yeah, that's made up. Maybe I made it up. Maybe I didn't. I don't know. What is it? Turn your nail black?
Man, the F-150, or the Ram.
I love it. Mr. Craig Ferguson, 100% garbage. Yeah, but we love you, man.
Gang, the special I'm So Happy is on YouTube right now. I think so, yeah. Right? Enjoy a podcast. You can listen to that. If you want. And, of course, you're on tour, Pants on Fire tour, thecraigfergusonshow.com.
Congratulations on everything. That story was inspiring and unbelievable.
And we really mean it. You're one of the true greats. Yes. Thank you, sir. We'll see you on the Upper East Side. Kippy, what are you doing? We're coming over for dinner tonight.
Every Christmas we got to smell a hamburger.
Yeah. Were we in an apartment? Were we in a house? Were we in the city? Were we in the suburbs?
Now, where'd you go when you were 16?
I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. She's on her way to JCPenney's for a little accident. Okay. A little slip and fall money going to be coming here pretty soon. Very good. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage?
What are we talking? Are we talking the 80s, early 80s?
So you're in the mix. Are you rubbing elbows with like the Ramones or the Misfits or anybody like that?
Hey, man, I got your mail again.
He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in.
Let's go back to the childhood. How were you in school? Were you a good student?
And no university, no college. No, I dropped out of high school when I was 16. You dropped out of high school when you were 16?
Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a legendary stand-up comedian and writer. You can hear him every week on his podcast, Joy, a podcast. He is on his Pants on Fire tour right now. You can get tickets at thecraigfergusonshow.com. He has a brand new special out on YouTube.
Freddie Laker and the Ragman.
An icy place. What was the name of the pizzeria?
Probably pretty good, I'd imagine.
Bronx Pizza Place back in the day? Probably all right. Not too shabby. What do you know about them uncommon goods? I know they ain't common. Gang, do yourself a favor. Spark something uncommon this holiday season with the right gift from Uncommon Goods. The busy holiday season is here, and Uncommon Goods makes it easy and less stressful with incredible hand-picked gifts for everyone on your list.
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Yeah, it's pretty good. I've used it to buy my wife stuff. It's stuff that, like, you see and you're like, oh, that's great because I'm so bad at it. Warm weather hits, gang, and suddenly everyone is juggling vacations, visitors, zero routine.
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Yeah.
You go solo?
When did you start taking the subway by yourself?
There's a certain caliber of New Yorkers.
They drive their car everywhere.
In the hundreds, in the thousands?
Man, if you're rolling around with a car with a primer on it.
A half-primed car.
Where was the vacations?
And then my dad was watching that kid.
Just random people.
So his mom, your stepdad's mom owned that building.
Did they ever sell that building?
Who got that money?
This has got to be a fight. No way into a trust.
Off the books at a hospital?
I could see not liking you and your point of view. That young lady's got a foul mouth on her.
Cash only, cash only. I got a thing with FedEx going on.
It's a solid move right there.
They're all scam artists, dude. Okay, and where would the vacations be?
Like the Poconos?
Jesus, where's Crescent, Pennsylvania? I don't know, but it's not nice.
How is that a vacation? What would you do? So you would go to your aunt's house in the summer.
Allegheny County. For what, a week? Yeah.
Population of 2,479 people.
And what would you do?
There's a supermarket. There's nothing to do there. Dude, it's literally like... Did they have a pool?
She was in the living room?
In a hospital bed? Yeah.
There you go. See, it worked. So you got down to Florida one year. Two years.
My father was scared to fly. I just looked up that train. It's brutal. Amtrak super quick. It was not Amtrak.
It takes over a day. We just looked this up. It takes over a day.
It's not fun. Was it a sleeping car? Was there beds in your little bunk? It was the L train.
How old were you when you guys did this?
And where'd you go in Florida? Did you go to Disney World?
I was like... He steals it for himself.
We're out. Thank you for your time, little lady.
Takes the insurance money. You guys take turns hitting each other.
That's a dirtbag feeling rich.
Don't matter. It's covered.
And how was Disney World? Was it fun?
Yeah?
Got caught stealing Mickey's wallet. Yeah. Holy shit.
That's where I'm going to call it quits. Throw a quarter on the table and walk out.
In a row?
So you went to Disney World one year, Disney World the next year.
So you would stay at the house?
How were the grades?
Did you go to college?
Student loans.
You are, because you have a very specific, unique point of view and joke writing style. And it's very Dark Queen-ish. The Dark Queens. And you don't waver. You're okay with going, hey, you guys aren't for me. I'm not for you. I'll see you next time.
You just don't think it's crazy.
Just like, I don't know. But you have your degree from Fordham. I do.
No?
Would you hang out? Would you go to parties and stuff like that?
96.
And your dad gets sick?
So you did the community college right after high school.
What was that?
Holy shit.
They're in there in a fake mustache.
I know it's you, Teresa.
Did you have tight friends in high school? Yes. Did you fight in high school? Were you a fighter? No, I never really fought. I can see you doing a little scratching.
Have you, like, taught? Like, not taught, but, like, still communicate?
It's never the three of you talking at the same time.
Are you and your mom talking right now?
Everything's cool. Calling each other bitches.
Well, you guys, who do you do Christmas with? Will you do that with your mom? Will you go to your mom's house?
Wait, who would? What do you mean?
Of the house?
Okay.
Would they say, hey, come up? Maybe. Maybe.
Who else was having Thanksgiving? Your mom, your dad?
Oh, this is after your dad died.
So you're in your 20s.
You still pop up. You're going to have some stuffing. I'm aware.
So you hear them upstairs having Thanksgiving.
That's fucking psychopath. So back to how does the bar fight come about?
No, I think it's great. It's artistic integrity.
The doctor?
Yeah, she's like... The doctors don't get mad when you don't... They're not doing the schedule.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find it to be classy. Yeah. After just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition.
Roadhouse? That's your move to slam your head on?
That was my move. When they're out on leave.
No, it's a great move.
Well, hey, I didn't say that wasn't the case.
You walk up and just grab her.
I'm also so drunk. Now you can't leave.
Why do you keep saying it's not your bar you hang out at?
That's what we're here for.
So you're behind enemy lines a little bit.
Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story. It's somewhat of a sordid tale.
This is you and all girls. This is you and a pack of Bronx girls.
Probably a wrecking crew.
That's where you learn the fucking head move. If anybody looks at you wrong, hold her hair and smash your face.
Do you remember the name of the bar in City Island?
What was your bar in the Bronx?
Frenchies is a good bar name.
Have you ever had your earring ripped out or ever ripped out another girl's earring?
Hmm. I'm surprised.
Did you ever date a guy who sold weed?
You were selling.
He was fixed. He was filling in for his cousin while he was away. He's a family man.
Wait, hold on. So you sold Coke for a guy.
You were there when your boyfriend... You were just a chick sitting in the... Yeah, I didn't know.
I've been the guy in the back of that car. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Oh, so how long you's been dating?
What would you spend the money on? You guys living like Bonnie and Clyde.
Name plates, you know, gold teeth, a grill. What's the name of the mall? What's the big mall in the Bronx? Bay Plaza? Bay Plaza, yeah. That's trash. Oh, I apologize.
What was like a birthday like? If you guys were going out to eat, would you go to like a restaurant? What was dinner like? Was your mom cooking?
What's the Pine Tavern?
Was there a while where things were somewhat OK? Like, you know, you growing up like your mom and your dad were together.
Three. Three. So you guys were kind of, you were in high school at the same time.
Really?
All the way through?
And then you moved into the house. When did you move out? Did you ever get a place on your own?
Are they in that house now still? Is your mom in that house?
Here we go.
Of a house that she doesn't own.
From your dad.
I'm getting confused with the dad.
No, it's all right.
So she. OK, let me get. So she was the owner of it after your dad.
They get married. They refi. He's on the documents.
A stake in the house.
But how long did that last?
You're in your 20s at this point.
Right.
commute to the Bronx every day to get to work. And there is just a different vibe in the Bronx of like, it's different than New York. It's different than the rest of New York.
This isn't her dad.
This is her stepdad, too.
Her dad passed away.
Right.
My mom's got a pipe. So James... Hey, you played a pony? Is your name Joe? You want to marry me?
Drinking in the house.
I didn't want to have a family. What was his drink of choice?
Wait, so she brought... This is like succession for dirtbags.
All for like a two-bedroom house in the Bronx. They're backstabbing their mom, dude.
This is when they had already broken up. Sorry, Kibbe.
He's living downstairs.
Where's your sister living? Upstairs with your mom?
No way.
What's a ton of money?
That's the Bronx in her. Taking a dig at her. He's not even wearing Nike pants. He's wearing fucking sketches to school to get his ass kicked.
Oh, I'm sorry.
She is the queen, by the way. What's crazy about the Bronx, if you don't know, there's like the city part of it, but then there's also this beautiful, like it's huge. Suburbish. No, but beautiful nature. Like the Bronx Botanical Gardens are gorgeous. Yeah.
So you're in somewhat contact with her. You guys are both aware of what's going on in each other's lives. They're writing each other letters at this point.
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I had my chubbies hat on the other day. You did? Yeah. It's a baseball hat, but it doesn't feel like a baseball. You feel classy when you got it on.
They also sent over some fucking dope Eagles gear, too. Some chubbies. Oh, that's them? Some loungewear.
They're doing it right. Yeah, they're all right. I got dibs on that shirt, by the way. Good gear. Those things are sharp. Gang, do yourself a favor. Get on the chubbies. Get yourself all straightened over there. Yeah.
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Yeah, you're not paying for some brick and mortar store and some rude customer service. It's all online. You got to walk in and roll his eyes when you've been locked out of your phone and he opens up and there's dirty pictures on there. Speaking of a friend of mine, not a personal experience.
I was going to say, talk about a personal endorsement.
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You're in the Bronx.
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Is she dating?
Chicken soup for the soul?
How old is she at this point? If you don't mind me asking.
She's 68.
And is she does she work or no?
She did?
I didn't know that. Is she doing comedy now?
Your mom's an urban comic.
So that's how she's paying her bills? No. Oh, so how's she paying her bills? She's probably not paying her bills.
She's doing okay.
Gotcha.
Do you see her often? I got to start doing black rooms.
So where did you grow up in the Bronx? Brothers, sisters, moms, dads, give us the story.
Yeah, she's done Yeah, have you ever put the same show as her?
sleeping and shit.
A bunch of blue haired white broad sleeping.
Is she asking you how to like, is she aware of your, she's aware of your success? Is she happy for you?
Will Ari Shafia talk to me?
I know who's coming on the show next week. I know who's next week's guest.
What do you mean you just pushed back?
That's just a dust ball of gold boob earrings.
Were you taking lunch to school as a kid or was she making you lunch?
And you were born in an apartment. This is apartment living.
It was pretty good.
My Catholic school was really good. I loved it. They could have served you gruel.
And would your mom cook? Could your mom cook?
What was the main cuisine around the house? Was it Italian food?
She would do a sauce on Sunday?
During the Thanksgiving periods where you weren't invited up there, would you be?
I guess we could fit one more.
They start, like, moving plates around, didn't you?
But will you be able to go up there on a Sunday and grab a plate?
Even the weeks of the blowback.
I don't know. Now, what would, you know, it's fucking middle of November. What does Christmas time look like?
Is this a big apartment building or more of like a house?
joe obviously you haven't met any of her new boyfriends now i met okay so last christmas me and her hadn't seen each other for a year last christmas can i ask what that beef was about specifically you can who knows yeah it's like one of those things where who knows i feel like you've released yourself of like yeah it's just always gonna happen like how much of a part of it do you think you are are you like i think at some point good question because like a lot of times you are very go with the flow like ah whatever you're being fucking are you starting trouble
Would that be like, hey, come over for whatever?
She started in the Bronx, like, just doing, like, an open mic? Was she in, like, the New York scene?
From a comedy class. Where was the comedy class?
Sure.
Dude, I would fucking kill everyone in my family, then myself, if that was ever a life. Taking the bus to stand up New York. Now doesn't exist.
I probably did a show with your mom.
So as of right now, you have no Thanksgiving plans?
Gotcha. You wouldn't make like a little turkey yourself and have like your own little thing.
Gotcha.
The turkey plate? It's pretty good at a diner, though.
Yeah, but see, I get that. Like, you're... The alternative would be going to your family and arguing and just being like two months of emotional. No texting. We're texting. Right.
How did this come out? How did this shake out? So your mom and dad are how old when they get pregnant with you? And you have a sister, right?
Do you let other people in the diner know that you do have a family? Like I could be. I'm not like two bums.
Jesus Christ.
You don't have to say. But do you have a favorite diner up there in the Bronx? Yeah.
Okay. What are you doing for most of your meals now? Ordering out?
What's your go-to?
Really?
How do you do it at the house? You do it on the grill?
Skillet.
Cast iron skillet, right? That's what it is. I like it. Okay. How do you cook it?
Medium? Do you do the butter with the cloves of garlic and the rosemary?
And I said to my landlord, he goes- They're like worms.
It was that bad? Yes. Come on in.
Let me run this bit by you real quick.
She's younger than you? She's younger than I am. So you're first.
Have you ever had writing sessions with your mom? Like sit down and bounce a bit?
What are you talking about writing?
Wait, you went what?
What was the joke? What was the sweater?
Right. Hey, we put that together.
Bartering for goods and services.
It's about her, so she was like, sure, I'll take it. So you're still dealing with the Moss situation?
I don't understand. If you got rid of all the stuff in your pantry and the place is clean and a bum, where are they living? Who knows? Multiply.
Do you have anything else in the house? Any roaches? Any mice? Anything like that?
There's a moss flying around.
That probably can't be good for you.
Wait, you're sleeping on your couch. My mom's. Oh, you're still up there.
When's the last time you were staying at your mom's? You are about that life.
No shit.
There's no availability.
You're sitting there with your turkey plate.
Let me ask you this. What do the moths do that you can't stay there? Are they like flying on you?
They're asking her who books the cellar.
Well, that's not that bad.
It's not like their roaches are like landing on you.
It creeps you out? Like an almond flower or something we got. It was in the flower.
How old is your mom when she has you?
You think about moving?
I just don't want to take my- I would have moved after three exterminators.
They go, yeah, we tried.
Have you ever worked at any of the same places as your family members? Where like your sister got you a job or something or a cousin or anything?
Did they get married?
Man, she's getting it this episode. Which I respect. Where are you grocery shopping?
Really? It's that bad?
Folks, tune in.
No way. Yeah. Wait, say that again?
Before or after you were born?
Are we in any danger?
What grocery store are you shopping at?
The one with the moths.
When was the last vacation you went on? Non-comedy related. It went on vacation. Drove to Pittston, Pennsylvania one time.
Sure. Take a vacay. Take the train down to Florida or something like that.
Yeah, see if they're dead.
You stole the money from your adopted dad's parents.
Gotcha.
He friended you on Facebook.
Man, this Appaloochee takes it out on fucking Front Street, dude. She don't give a fuck.
You are like brutally honest. You do have like a brutally honest grip on life.
No, no.
It's a little off-putting. I like it. No, I love it. I respect it. But people don't want to hear that. This guy's asking for prayers for somebody dying or something. He shouldn't have stole the money. He shouldn't have stole the money. I get it. I'm just saying he wasn't expecting that blowback.
High school friends, childhood friends, or comedy friends?
She's upstairs in her room doing some beats. Okay.
We actually used to work in this. Me and you used to work in the same building. It took me a couple of years to put this together. That's right. We worked in the same building in New Rochelle. I worked at a law firm, and you worked at a doc.
Methadone.
Okay. Wait, did we work at the same company? No, it was different.
Yeah, it was done pretty well.
As all your jobs, your regular jobs coming up in comedy, Ben of that ilk collection agency receptionist.
She's calling her family members. You were a nanny.
You couldn't have gone over well with them at all.
I could see that, actually.
Every day? Would you stay there? Would you live there?
Nice.
Had to take him to the doctors or whatever.
What kid needs a dentist? You got a dentist and an orthodontist?
All right. I mean, you know. I mean, do you remember any of your AOL screen names?
That's crazy, dude.
Do you drink now or no?
What age are we talking? You got it in high school? Vodka 217?
Vodka 217. Wow. Yeah. What was your vodka?
Whatever. Pinnacle girl.
Do you remember any fake? Did you have fake IDs growing up?
What are you driving around town in now? What kind of car do you have? A Rogue. A Nissan Rogue. Own it, lease it. Own it. Own it.
Paid off or are you still paying it off?
Do you not drink at all? Are you sober?
When was the last time you drank? In the heyday?
Had a glass of wine or whatever? Vodka 217. Vodka 217.
Is Captain Morgan a Diet Coke?
He's addicted to Narcan?
Such as?
Yeah, it's all for comedy purposes.
So you would call in and say, hey, this is Dr. Appaloochee.
Yeah, it's just Dr. Vodka 217.
This is Captain Morgan.
Man, you are running with a rough crew if you're calling in antibiotics for your fucking friend.
And birth control.
That's great.
I just need a Z-Pak. Get me straight. A Z-Pak. All right, we got to wrap it up.
It was Z-Pak. I mean, 100%. What? New York Bronx trash.
I don't think you're the trashiest of your family.
I would love to have you and your mom in here.
Dude, get out. Save that for a sweep.
This bitch don't know how to act.
She gets... Does this fat one keep looking at me?
Oh, shit.
That's all right.
She'll just grab a handful...
Gang, The Specialist, The Dark Queen, produced again by Mr. Ari Shaffir, directed by Mr. Louis C.K. It is on Netflix right now. Adrian is one of the funniest comics working. Do yourself a favor. Check it the fuck out. Adrian, like Kippy said, 100%.
Bronx.
You're not fucking away from it at all. Anything else you want the folks out there to know?
Right. Your mom's brother's a hell's angel.
I don't know. Check out the special, gang.
It was enough for me.
Oh, man, buddy. Thank you, Kibby. What do you got for him? Guys, nothing. We're chilling. Check out the AYG and Friends shows. We're going to be doing more of those live. Sign up for the old Patreon. And website for all the details.
Gang, we love you. Adrian, we love you, buddy.
Congrats, and we'll see you next week. Peace.
in the beat laboratory okay doing a little freestyling up there sounds pretty good i'm not gonna lie all right talking some shit about you i'll pay you that distract coming my co-host is coming at you from right next to me he is the ceo are you garbage he is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world give it up for kj kevin james ryan everybody what up everybody thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes and
Natural causes?
His heart did stop. Yeah. Yeah.
OK. No one Googled.
What's your what's your mom's lineage? What's your nationality, by the way?
Okay. So your mom was Italian mixed?
And your dad was fully Italian?
That's so funny you say that because, like, my... You dress kind of Porter. I mean, you got the hoops. Right. The track jacket. But my cousins in Philly did the same thing. There was a time in the 90s where all my Irish cousins dressed Puerto Rico. Yeah.
Like, I love it.
Dressed acidic. Just rolling around.
Crazy. What was your mom's growing up? Was it? Lower, lower.
Like everybody moves to the Bronx, gets their shit together, then moves out.
This is it for us. The height of luxury.
I like it. All right, so they get together. They have you. How long is your dad in the house? Is it the apartment that you grew up in?
So you don't really remember that?
Did you ever meet him?
That was the first time you met him?
That's crazy, man.
He's like... Is he all cleaned up now?
Okay.
Doing well.
Bronxwell.
This is the weirdest reaction to my dad, right?
So then where was that meeting? Definitely a parking lot in the Bronx.
So, yeah. So you get something to eat. Did you guys order?
and Spotify, and then obviously a full video available on YouTube, and then the greatest website of all time. You pull out your little desktop, your little laptop, whatever you got, you go to www.patreon.com. You get all that bonus content, gang.
That'd be weird. Got a frittata in front of you. You walk.
Who picked up that check, though?
A gentleman.
You split it.
He's like, listen, you owe $18.50 for the Western omelet.
2017.
That's the first time Buttafuoco has been quoted on this program.
And how is this delivered to you?
Mailed to you from the Bronx to the Bronx.
Are you bouncing this off your mom? Because I've had this in my family over lots of years of...
You can't stop meeting this guy. Whatever he's telling his wife, something ain't right.
Was the letter handwritten?
How was the penmanship?
Yeah. It was all newspaper clippings?
Thank you, Kevin. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. She is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, and you might have seen her on You Got the Late Show, Last Comic Standing, This Week at the Comedy Cellar, The Degenerates, Gotham Comedy Live, The Joe
Okay, so he's out of the picture. Your mom meets another guy.
What's your mom doing for a living, for work at this time, when you're like a young kid?
Okay.
Okay. Man, you are an open book, man.
These people don't have computers.
How long is your mom and your stepdad, your sister's father, married?
Yeah, still young.
Goddamn sink's leaking.
Hold on. So with the stepdad, you guys get into a house in the Bronx.
Your biological father?
Okay. So then you're still in. Who's in the house? You, your mom, and your sister?
Oh, so that's not even there.
Dude, talk about chasing the dragon. You're going into the... You can't just, like... That's not an account. You don't have a debit card to that account. You got to fill out paperwork. I mean...
Is this when he would go into what, like an OTB or like a casino?
Why? Why? How foreign to you is this? I said, don't take any checks from her.
Rogan Experience, and she has a brand new special out on Netflix right now, produced by Mr. Ari Shafir, directed by Mr. Louis C.K. Give it up for the one, the only, Adrienne Appaloochee, everybody. The Dark Queen.
Dude, yeah, that's... That's 90s OTB.
What was your drink at the OTB? Would you get a Shirley Temple? Do they have your ginger ale waiting for you?
Would they bring you in to the principal's office?
What the fuck, dude? Did you always have money for lunch and stuff like that?
You always had a little cash.
Such a fucking New York teenager.
Probably had a lot of attitude on that phone.
It'll be there when it's there.
You'd roll out of the car and still be moving. Let me get five for smoking under Dan.
Get over here. There was always a good family across from you where they were, like, holding their kids back from you. Like, oh, no, don't look at these. Me and my dude Danny had me in a headlock. I'm crying.
Leave your little comments. We're climbing the charts over there. Climbing the charts over there on Spotify. I don't want to die. I know. Kids are a cookie.
a case hanging. I couldn't sleep. Well, I don't sleep great. Helix is the only good sleep I can get. If I'm on the road, I get bad sleep because I'm not my Helix. I gotta get home and get to the Helix, baby. Everybody knows that. It's the best sleep I had in my life, and when I'm not my Helix, boy, do I miss it. And he is cranky. Some other guy is.
The boys are in town. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you get all your bonus content, gang. And, of course, the Route 66 tour. Go check out Dispatch, baby. You'll love it. If you've ever wondered if you're part of the army of garbage, go watch that. And if that don't punch you right in the dick, I don't know what does. You ain't my kind of guy.
What's wrong about Shopify? Shout out to Shopify.
Yeah, before Shopify, we were using some bozo-ass company. I forget what it was, but everything was getting jammed up. This order was getting lost. Hey, I never got this. I never got that. Things weren't being completed. Hey, I paid you. I didn't get a receipt this whole nine yards. Shopify, I ain't had to worry about nothing since.
So upgrade your business and get the same exact checkout that we're using over there at RUgarbage.com. You can sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash garbage. All lowercase, by the way. Go to Shopify.com slash garbage to upgrade your selling today. One more time. Get a pen. Get a pencil. Upgrade your. Listen, they're the biggest seller.
All right, let's see. Let's get into it. This one's from Big Tony. This is more of a story. One time, six buddies and I went to Applebee's for the dollar drinks back in 2018. We got there at 9 p.m. and found out after we receded the promotion was from 10 to 2. Is it garbage to sit there for an hour and not order anything? We'll just do the water till 10. Thank you very much. That I respect.
I mean. I respect it. We.
What are you doing? Cut me off at 11. It's probably not in the system. I'm not going to make it till 1030 anyway. I'll be carrying me out of here. I remember one time on the road with a comic that I didn't know. He's like, let's stop at Applebee's. I said, all right. We were like, you know, whatever. They were like, are you here for Dollaritas? And I said, I wasn't, but I'll fucking.
This guy's driving. I had two. He had three.
You're cross-eyed.
Crying. This one, too. I don't know about you, but for us, so as a kid, we went to these chain restaurants a lot. And then as an older kid, high school, when you had a little bit of freedom, we all had like a day, not a day job. We all had like, you know, some sort of after school or weekend job. So we would make like 150 bucks a week or whatever like that.
So you had a little bit of K, a little bit of spending K. And we started going back to Applebee's in high school as like seniors a little bit. And that was our... To have like a waiter in high school for a high school dirtbag is like... You know, meanwhile, as a kid, we went to school with.
You'll laugh. You'll cry.
In there too long. No one can do the math. Fucking up the sugar caddies. No one can do the math for 20%. Yeah, getting ripped off. Uh-huh. I know. And we would go, and I think even a little bit afterwards, like somebody start, or maybe we were like with an older kid, a kid who was a little bit older, ID. So like one kid would be getting, he had a fake ID, so he'd be ordering a beer.
Meanwhile, I hadn't hit puberty yet. I'm like, dude, this is crazy that this 22-year-old's hanging out with this fucking kid who's 14. You know what I mean? But that was a big thing. Across state lines. That was like another big thing. So this is from Ace the Homie. We used to go to Applebee's for weeknight karaoke in high school. They were doing stuff. I mean, that's crazy.
We'd order like one appetizer each and watch my friend sing Enrique Iglesias' Hero. He put on a hell of a show for the whole place. I mean, in a more small town, that is the entertainment. That's what I'm saying. That's where you're going. High school? That's nerd shit right there. I don't know. Get in the garage. Get some beers. I could be your hero, baby. You can't do that every night.
People's parents are home. You got to go fucking. I got to go get some trim at the Applebee's. Man, karaoke at an Applebee's. You did comedy at an Applebee's. I did on New Year's Eve in Philadelphia. I was so jealous I wasn't on that show. Really? It was you, Tommy Pope, me, and Fidance. Uh-huh. Chris Cotton. Yeah. And I said, you get a big gig like this, you don't let Kippy wet his beak? Yeah.
Oh, I know. I have it hanging on my wall with a big X through your face. Laces out, Foley.
Uh-huh. All right, this one's from another generation of garbage. When I was 17, my mom and I went to Red Robin Great Burgers. A girl I went to school with said one of the other servers thought I was cute. The girl gave me her number the next day. The girl he went to school with gave the co-worker's number to him the next day at school.
When I went to hang out with her, she turned out to be 35 and had her own apartment. She wasn't bad looking and had a great body. She was 35 at working at Red Robin. That night I received my first BJ. Red Robin will always have a special place in my heart. Even 32 years later, I miss her and think of her often. What a gal. Dude. Also, so many. Let alone the unlimited basket of fries.
So many things have broken down in that night. The kid's there with his mom. A 35-year-old woman sees a high school kid there with his mom and goes, hey, that kid's got it going on. Tells another 8, 7, 18, 18-year-old girl, hey, give him my number. They hang out.
How wild is that? Whoa. That's what... It goes back to the supermarket. These places in suburban or rural areas are the, like... A lot of people's, like, first what at? First jobs, first crushes, first date. Like, are... These are, like, you know, the hubs of certain things.
Without thinking of catching a... Dude, imagine being 18. Hopefully he's 18. Catching a hummie... 35 with her own apartment? Dude, a 35-year-old Red Robin waitress. That is a specific kind of brood. It's got to be in the 90s, too. 32 years later, what's 32 years from now? It's got to be... This is like 95? Dude, well, that's... Talk about playing it fast and loose. That girl is all right.
Oh, man. All right. This one's from Thick Bones Jones. $5 Modelo. Never have one red. Family rarely went out to eat since there was five of us. Yeah. One night we went to Chili's. Everything was going great. The Cokes were flowing. The chips and salsa was banging. I got the chicken crispers. How you doing? and asked for extra ranch. They brought out a gravy boat of ranch.
I proceeded to eat the whole boat and then puked everything up in the parking lot. I thought I used to puke most times going out to eat. Puked all over the table at a Red Lobster when I was seven. Why the fuck they giving lobster to a kid? My mom took me to a Walmart to get a shirt. My dad finished the meal. That, I mean, come on, dude. That's fucking crazy.
You would be surprised at the amount of submissions where kids threw up at chain restaurants. I was never a puker. I wasn't a puker. I mean... Like an overeat puker? No, I was a drinking puker for sure. Sure. But I mean, one out of every four was... And then I threw up in the parking lot. Then I threw up on the table. Then I threw up.
All hopped up.
Yeah. That's it, dude. I mean, so many... There's just... So many people have so many memories of just that was it. We didn't go out. Then we went out.
Be all dry and shit. We had a family reunion at a Friday's. This just hit me. I wouldn't say reunion, but part of my dad's family, one of the brothers moved out to Hawaii or California or something. I had never seen him. I'm about eight. I don't know him. Somebody moving from your family to Hawaii. Man, the rumors going around.
Or maybe the kid... Or maybe he married a lady from Hawaii and they were living in California.
No. No?
No, I didn't know that guy you were talking to. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, I forgot about that. I ain't never seen that guy in my life. He was like a friend of a friend of a brother's friend. Fucking went in on a timeshare with this guy. Yeah, I remember you going, yeah, we go down to Conio. Hey, man, I get to look. I'm like, dude, I'll see you later. I don't fucking know this guy.
I got to work a room here. Good people. What? So I met my cousins for the first time, and they were part Hawaiian because the mom was Hawaiian. And I, dude, you tell little eight-year-old Kevin, I'm at a TGI Fridays, and they're going, these kids are your cousins. I said, I ain't never met these fucking kids in my life. I remember they got entree.
They got, like, adult entrees, and I was ordering the chicken. Yeah, Fridays, you know, they were like, I'll do, like, the –
the sea bass or whatever and i was like jeez what planet are you we weren't allowed to order entrees like that you get a hamburger that's hamburger and fry nothing that came with a super salad i could tell you that i remember when it was like you weren't allowed to do the platter the chicken finger platter sometimes you'd have to do the appetizer the chicken finger basket which didn't come with fries typically and sometimes the platter deluxe
Shout out to Applebee's on Street Road. Down there on Street Road in like Knolls Ave or something. I'm talking Feasterville. Not down there with the dirt bags at the opposite end.
Yeah, I used to know my, dude, you could show me a menu from 50 feet away, I could tell you where the chicken tenders were falling on it. Yeah. If it was a kid's menu, if it was like there was a platter portion. You usually went like fourth in the appetite. Yeah, I'll do the chicken tenders. Sometimes I would just be, you know, coloring and look up. I wouldn't even look at the menu.
All right. This one's from Jackie Treehorn. Great name. One of my dad's best friends got robbed by two ladies of the night he met at a TGI Friday's bar on a work trip. He took them up to his hotel room. They tied him up at knife point and tried to take his wallet. Jokes on them, he was hammered and left his wallet at the bar.
He proudly told this story to my dad in front of me at a different TGI Fridays a few months later. Never return to the scene of the crime.
Again, this is. Dude, I remember doing a show in like upstate Pennsylvania at a Ramada. And that bar was like. The bar. That was the bar. And I was sitting there waiting to go on and bam. And there was like people hanging out and a couple of, you know, night crawlers.
Yeah. And I'm like, gee. You know. You on the show, too? How long you been doing comedy? I'm three years in. I'm the host.
That's, I mean, it's just so, that's, listen, you're an older guy, you know, middle-aged guy. You're on a business trip. It's not like you're in downtown Philadelphia, midtown Manhattan. Look who you're talking to. You're going to a TGI Freedies. Sure. Getting worked over. Dude, jokes on them being so fucked up you left your wallet at the bar.
This was it for us. We were in Applebee's family. So at this point, eighth grade, seventh, eighth grade, whatever, my brother and sister were kind of gone. My sister's in college at that point. My brother's going to a school in Philadelphia. So he was just kind of loosey-goosey. He's living with my aunt, not living with my aunt, living with the rich kids.
Yeah. That's how you quit those jobs. When you're off a day, you're not supposed to be off. Those jobs, a retail job, a shitty office job, a chain restaurant, a shitty restaurant, you're getting that cycle of, like, I work these days and these nights and these days, and the second you crack that, And you have like a three-day weekend. You go, what the fuck am I going back to this?
You got a little bit of sunshine in your face. You touch a little grass.
They're losing. Applebee's sucks. We've talked about this before, but waiting has hit that, the movie Waiting. Oh. Hit that culture. Perfectly. Nail on the head out of the fucking park. It's like you know everyone. If you grew up with a relatively dirtbag background, not even that dirtbag, you know every single person in that movie. Mm-hmm. All right, this one's from Brandanio.
I worked at an Outback Steakhouse for seven-plus years throughout high school and college. One time I was high on molly and reversed my car into the building by the takeout room. Destroyed the back of my car. To this day, there's still an indent in the building and pieces of my taillight embedded in there. I mean... I love how you're like, ah, pretty good gig. I'm on Molly all shift.
That's pretty, um... That's great. I mean, Luke, can you find out what, who's got the best, go to their web, go to every, not every, go to the, give me Outback, give me Applebee's.
Top five what?
You've never been to one? No. They weren't – they came online when you were, like – they opened up in, like, 2014. Yeah. Like, I was already broke. Like, I couldn't go to a Buffalo Wild Wings. You know what I mean?
I would have loved – I don't know. That's like a Chickies and Pete's.
That don't count.
Find, go to their homepages and find out who's got what specials are currently, you know what I mean?
It should be like in the banner. Like, hey, we got two for Tuesdays. Oh, yeah. Give me an Outback. Give me an Applebee's.
Four billion. Just go to the top five on that list you had.
A lot of tendies.
We used to go to the one in Newtown. It was like.
I was here yesterday. A little top off.
It's just, to me, that food is such being there. I can get tenders from anywhere. I got tender guy. My thing is, like, that's part of the experience. You go there, you sit, you break balls, you have a dollarita, someone gets too fucked up, whatever, whatever. Parents are smoking. Yeah, that's part of it. The getting, the food's mediocre.
I mean, if I'm getting, you know, food's fine at best, you know. Are you a booth family? Always. Always a booth. My dad liked the table. Did they? I'm trying to think. Did they have smoking? Yeah, for sure. When I was a kid, for sure. Yeah, so the one on Tree Road you'd go in and to the left was the smoking section. Yeah, like at the bar.
Because now that I'm thinking, I've never been on the right side of the restaurant.
A couple of strings had to be pulled to get him in there. I think he had to repeat two or three years. He did. Only 21-year-old in 10th grade. He doubled up on 10th grade or something.
Yeah, but I think even there was like an elevated platform on the left of the bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was like the high tops and shit. No, no, no, no, no. They had... Mine, you'd walk in, it was like the Thunderdome a little bit. You'd walk in, and the bar was right in front of you, and then everything else was like two or three steps up around that.
I think that's the first time I saw the bar that went all the way around. Like the octagon bar? Two men enter, one man leaves. Kip, let's talk about Aura Frames. Shout out Aura Frames.
And I said it before, getting an Aura Frame for these people means you ain't got to see them as much as you got to see them because they think they're having dinner with you because you're over there. You're on the nightstand. Talk to the frame. Yeah, buddy, I'm busy, but the frame's available for dinner. You know what I mean?
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Let them know the boys sent you $20 off. Code garbage. Do it. Yeah. Okay, let's talk about true work.
Yeah, they were kind enough to send us some stuff, and it's tight gear. You get it? You feel cool? Listen, I'm not a blue-collar guy no more. I hung up my work boots. You feel like a real man putting those things on. But I go to the deli, and everybody thinks I'm a project manager on a high-rise being built. Goddamn GC over here. No joke. I was stuck in traffic.
It was pouring the other day, and I watched this construction worker just soggy, just walking, and he got in a truck. You should have yelled out, True Work, promo code garbage. Sure. It's soft, stretchy, sweat-wicking, soft-shell work pants are a major upgrade for overall wet, heavy jeans, windproof, waterproof. The whole nine yards are taking care of you.
What? He was down there staying with an aunt? Well, my aunt lived in Jersey, but her kids also went there. Right. I don't know how they all got in there. Good Lord. So they all stayed together.
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Is it garbage or use your Red Robin gift card at the bar? Gift card money spends the same, baby. So in my head, yeah. In my head, if someone went, here's a $50 gift card to Chili's, I'd have to go sit down and eat dinner. I never thought I could just go to the bar and get $50 worth of booze with me and the boys. Can you do that? That's what he's saying. Spends like money.
It's all I got, even if it's a table. Hooker took my wallet. This is what you're getting. I mean, even if it's at a table, you go, hey, drop the chips and salsa and keep the fucking Michelob's flowing, you know? Man, if you caught that when they were doing one of those dollar drink specials. You'd be fucking ossified. They'd have to pull you out of there. Plus the Molly. Uh-huh.
This one's from Reggie. This is a deep cut on a couple of things. Hey, gang, never have one read. Is it garbage if you sold enough magazine subscriptions during the magazine drive in seventh grade that the school got a limo to take you and a bunch of other kids to TGI Fridays for lunch one day? Couldn't tell me shit on that day. This is fucking Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. That's crazy.
That was always a myth. If you sold whatever, you'd get a limo ride to Pizza Hut or whatever. I've never heard that in my life. That was always a myth to me.
Okay, same thing. If you sold enough candy, the theory would always be like, oh, the school... Three towns away sends you the top guy in a limo. I ain't never seen it, but this kid fucking did it. Hitting the fucking pavement. This kid's like blank check over here. That's crazy. That's awesome, man. Anything on a school day. Forget it.
We went to Morita's Cantina. I remember we always used to, whenever I was sick, I'd always make my mom stop and get Burger King, which seems counterproductive now that I'm an adult. I'd leave the doctor's office and go get Burger King. When you were sick?
I forget. I'd be going home, and we would get Burger King. I'd eat it in the car ride home, then she'd go back to work. I'd try to drag my feet on that shit. I'd be at the crib snoozing, probably, or tugging my little rootski.
What's the Monday Margarita? What's that banging?
Hey, give us 20 bucks, we'll give you a shit ton of food is what it says. Double the food, double the deal, double the fun. Hey, what do you got? It seems very used car salesman-y. Yeah. There's just a guy out front doing this.
Three-for-one apps?
It's free. You get a free app or something.
When I was doing DoorDash, I remember delivering a guy Applebee's in a rough apartment. Like, real rough. And it was, like, so much. What are you celebrating? Looking out the window, he was laying low for sure, this guy. This is in a rough strip of apartments. And I remember there was, like, so much Applebee's. Like, over $100 worth of Applebee's. And this is in, like, bumblefuck Jersey.
Yeah, that's hiding out. That's multiple meals. And I remember being like, why are you staying here? And if you got $120 to spend at Applebee's, you had class to join up. Go get a room at the Hilton or something. You got the cash. You know what I mean? I remember having to call him. He's like, nah, keep going. And I was like. Take it, Jack. Take the keys. Made sure I left the Montego running.
Oh, God. This one's pretty good. This is from Arouse Lou. I've been going to Applebee's at least once a month for 12 years with two friends. Great tradition. Love that. We have only ever paid for half-priced apps, never had an entree. I respect that. Yeah. That's like a... That's a good hang with the boys. Of course. We're going to go. We're each going to have two or three drinks.
Maybe every third month, somewhat you get fucking. You're like, you know what? My wife's out of town getting fucking shithoused. Crippled. Yeah. And just keep the half-priced. This goes back to my, I don't need an entree. Post me up at a high top, two of my boys. Give me Flip, Pat. And just let them. Who? You don't. It's well documented. You don't like a high top.
But at that point, I'm by myself. It's me, my mom. My mom comes home from work, probably. Was there ever a situation? It's a rainy spring night. We're probably, at this point, we're probably in the Sebring. I had a little bit of a leak in that, I got to be honest with you. Sebring convertible. Sebring convertible. Her midlife crisis car.
I like dollar margaritas.
So I got us in this trouble to begin with. And just post up for like three or four and just, you know, get the. Nice snowy day. Man, step out for a heater. I'm off the heaters, but step out for a heater.
Well, that's a bar. That's what's so unique about those. The middle of those establishments is a bar. There's hookers. You're hitting on people. But then there's a kid celebrating his birthday five feet away. They got the touch tunes. Kid with no future. Hey, I turned out pretty good. This leads right into Socks with Sandals.
Is it garbage to take your small children to Applebee's at night at 9 p.m.? I was definitely in an Applebee's on a school night. Man. Passed when I for sure should have been. That's crazy. But that's, I mean, what's the... Dude, I've been seeing more and more young kids, like... like couples with like a baby.
That's what I would, yeah, last week.
I was one, they weren't working. They were, no, no, not one of them was in a uniform. Like if one was in scrubs, I go, all right, you just got off third shift or whatever. Yeah. I'll get a second shift. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. They had a baby. They had a baby.
Yeah.
Yeah.
With the kids. Yeah.
Where are you going? I got a stack of quarters. I just got out of here.
Yeah, man. Hanging at the bar of those joints was all right. I mean, we would. I remember bumping into, like, my brother's teacher or something, and I think my dad was hitting on her. It was. It's 1130 at night, Kevin. I remember them being like, they're talking too much. Like, my dad don't like people. For him to be talking that much. What was she doing in there?
Fucking probably throwing it at him. Dying one on.
I thought she was a lesbian, but I still remember going, they're talking way too. Yeah, what are you doing here? What's going on? parent-teacher conference yeah there's a lot of times where it was just like I remember one time we were at a Friday's or somewhere it was far we were we were in northeast Philly we're like down on the boulevard somewhere
Yeah, my stepdad's in the picture, but she let my brother negotiate that deal when he was about 13 years old. I'm not even joking. They were driving by. He goes, let's go look at that. He went in. He's like, listen, we'll do like five.
And my dad and my brother, we were in the smoking. I remember this vividly. My dad and my brother got in an argument that my dad couldn't run home from where we were. Because my dad used to be like a pretty good runner.
I'm sure my dad had... A lot of cocktails and enough in them. Say no more. And he's going, I'll fucking run home right now. And I was like, dude, I must have been. You're going to leave us here? I remember being like, what, are we just going to drive real slow? Forrest Gump had just come out. So I remember being like, are we just going to drive real slow next to you the whole time?
It was raining, too. And I think he said, if it wasn't raining, I'd fucking do it. I'm like, what, dude, you're fucking, you're at your 50th Marlboro Red of the day. You got at least eight or nine Michelobes in you and some fucking fettuccine Alfredo. Yeah, but this is after dinner. He'll be hurling at a quarter mile. Uh-huh. And it was like, it had to be about 15 miles. What?
That's bad. Getting in a bar argument with an eight-year-old.
That's all right. This is from Desiree. Is it garbage to have been at a Chili's for dinner and you and your dad have to break up a father-son fight at the table next to you after the son smacked the shit out of the dad? That's where you get smacked in there. The loudest smack I've ever heard. He goes, they were 30 and 60. I let my dad control the sun, and I took the old guy to calm down.
That's a relationship. That's like if I went and met – if I reached out to – they were trying to rekindle. That's where you go. If I reached out to my dad now, I was like, yo, what are you doing? Let's go to – I'll meet you at the Applebee's. Meet you at the Applebee's. And we're sitting there.
Yeah. That's what, then after, you know, probably when the entrees get dropped, you realize things are still the same. You got a couple in you. You got one or two in you. He didn't change. You're still complaining about this. Which mom felt that way. What'd you say? What'd you say? Fucking whop. Fucking crack.
Put you in a sleeper hold real quick.
They're all fighting each other to get there.
What would you do? I just saw it. Hey, it's actually me, John Quinones, or whatever. Buddy, no one knows who you are. Get the fuck out of here. He steps in. He steps out like he's Wayne Newton, like everybody's going to be falling off. Nobody knows who the fuck you are. I thought you were John Taffer. Yeah, I said, Bar Rescue, kick rocks. Fuck you. Go find me Chef Ramsay, someone I care about.
Beating the kid up on price. My stepdad worked down around the street road. That's where his shop was. So we would go, oh, Joe's wrapping up at the shop. It's Friday night. They're each looking for some cocktails. I'm looking for some chicken tendies.
Shut this place down. I just saw him do that in a bar. Like, somebody was saying something in a bar, and he's like, hey, all easy, pal. You're on. I'm John Quinones, buddy. No, thank you. Oh, shit. All right, this one's from Max, $10 long-term investor.
In college, my homies and I would frequent the Tiger Perkins in Orlando purely based off the fact that's the exact location Tiger Woods slept with a Perkins server.
No, they called it Tiger Perkins. Yo, you want to go to Tiger Perkins? Yeah. I would do that if that was the time when you're like... He also had a Denny's hostess, didn't he? Yeah. No, it might have been Perkins.
Closing deals. All that money you're saving. Perkins is all right. We were never a Perkins fam.
A little Perkadoodles. More of a Houlihands family. Shout out to Houlihands. Yeah, I recently did my first Red Robins. It's Red Robin.
I don't get eyes on that. I thought that was a chain.
I know, but Cheeburger Cheeburger, they opened up when I was into it. Did you ever miss something? Everybody at school was talking about, oh, we're at Cheeburger Cheeburger. I'm like, dude, it sounds like you're talking a different fucking language.
Oh, there's only two U.S. locations anymore. Sanibel Island, Florida and Richmond International Airport. Jesus Christ. That's all over the map. They proudly serve Pepsi products. But there was one in Oxford Valley that, like, I mean, this place, it came in, like, fucking... like the Beatles, dude. Everybody was talking Cheeburger, Cheeburger. You got to go to Cheeburger, Cheeburger.
Where does that happen? Eat and go to the neighborhood. Shout out the Applebee's. Now, if you weren't in the picture.
Well, I do respect the more heightened versions of, like we said, the Applebee's and Friday's storm the beaches. So these Cheesecake Factories, the P.F. Chang's, the Bonefish Grill, the Season's 52's, Harry's. Wasn't there a Harry's? There's a Houston's or something too. Well, I just went to... We're buying a bunch of baby stuff, so we're at all these friggin' malls.
I went to two different malls, and I got to tell you, you pull in, and it's just rows of nice, casual corporate restaurants. You go, this is a fucking, I can get down with this. Let's go look at some strollers, which ain't cheap, by the way. Go get a table. Go get a table. Get a nice fucking baseball stick. Maybe a couple of potstickers. I love it. Potstickers are on everybody's menu.
If they ain't, you fucking get with the times. You know what I mean, Daddy-O? Oh, God, that's all right. All right, this one's from Kippy's Jar of Skippy. $10 homie here. Say you're at a Chili's. Okay. This is how he opens up. Say you're at a Chili's and the table next to you leaves and there is a half pitcher of beer still on the table. How garbage is it to refill your glass from that pitcher?
They'd be at the bar at Applebee's, not the booth.
Very. Very garbage, for sure. And I'm not a guy to do... I don't like other people's stuff. I would be remiss if I would say there wasn't a time when I was at... As a college kid, yeah, sure. Yeah, the Richboro Pub or something. If you're with your family, your uncle gets up. Also, what kind of fucking animals are leaving half pitchers of beer? That's two beers. How many people are at that table?
You gotta fucking...
I don't know.
No, a floater is unknown. That is some guy's beer. That's different than a floater. It's a family floater. Family style. Also, would you get a phone call that the dog got hit by a car? You got to bounce like that? You ordered a picture. You finished the picture. That's all I'm freaking saying.
Yeah. I mean, that was a lot of birthdays there. A lot of times just me and my mom or me and my mom and my stepdad just there. Just... Just there. That was the first time I... Signature cocktail. That was absolute in tonics. Doubles. Big glass.
You're nuts. Yeah, that would be. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know in what world. I would just say do it. It depends. Depends on your age and who you're with. You're with your family. You can't do that. You're with your wife and your kids. You can't do that. You're with the boys eating half price apps. Think about it.
All right. We got time for one more here. This is from Nick. A little sentimental. Love it. I met my first wife. I fucked up. I met my first wife at a Chili's in my hometown as a waitress. Got married two months later. When she met my parents after the wedding, we found out we were step cousins. Wait, hold on. Take that back. That is some, first of all, that is some Chili's-ass shit.
That would never happen at Applebee's or DJI Friday.
Definitely not the Cheesecake Factory. I met my first wife at a Chili's in my hometown as a waitress. Okay. I want to know where this was. We got married two months later. Two months? Man. Two months to a Chili's waitress? She must have been adopted. Throw it all away? Yeah. Let's go. Dude, that's one where you're like, I'll get you out of here. You can stop. You know what I mean?
There's delusions of grandeur there. For sure. Met my first wife at a Chili's at my hometown as a waitress. Got married two months later. When she met my parents after the wedding, we found out we were step cousins. Met my parents? After the wedding. That's nuts. Which means.
I'm like... It's also, how else did you think that was? That is like the most Chili shit ever. That's your sister. Step-cousin. So what if a step-cousin would be... Step-cousin would be... Yeah, I have step-cousins.
Double the food, double the fun. Double the pleasure, baby. Double the cousins. All right, we got to wrap it up, gang.
What?
Also, too.
The merch alone, you were fucking all over.
I remember we had a bottle of Absolute Pepper. When the Coke's all gone. When you're out of salt, hit the pepper. I remember taking a nip of that one time. Must have been about 12 years. Woo, man. Felt like a bang-bang. I was doing a line of Coke and gunpowder. What, isn't that what they do in the World of War? A bang-bang, I think. That's what the Somalis are doing over there. Get all hopped up.
Shout out to Coney.
He got those child warriors all hopped up on bang-bangs. A pair of sweats and an AK. Look out. But a lot of my time, we were there, and then they would go out. I've said this before. They would go out on their anniversary or birthdays. They would go to Outback, and the kids couldn't go. Sure.
Yeah. I never thought about it that way. That wasn't happening at the Dempsey household.
I thought your parents were getting divorced.
It was... Yeah. So that... The first time I had barbecue chicken done right, I blew my fucking hair back. Also, I remember the first... We were a big Pizza Hut family, too. Shout out to Pizza Hut. The sit-down. I'd go there with my mom. That was the first time... Listen, we were trash. The people going there were trash.
I'm not being rude, but, you know, you plant potatoes, you're going to get potatoes. You're hanging out at a pizza. You're not hanging out with the Kennedys. You know what I mean? So I remember the first time... ever seen in public because cell phones had just come out.
And it was the first time ever this girl was just this woman, a grown woman at the booth next to us was just going through all of her ringtones. It'd be like watching a YouTube video today. No headphones. Just... Ding dong. I remember being like, this is fucking crazy. That was the first time that might ever happen. Someone played his cell phone. That might have been the impetus at a pizza hut.
Shout out to it. It paid $4.99. Smoke on the Water I had was the first one I downloaded. It cost me about $9.99. That was your song? Yeah, but it was still the buttons. It wasn't the noise. It was just smoke on the water played via.
Or would you be a big boy? I'd be a big boy. I always got the chicken tenders. Speak up. Say thank you. We would do the chicken tenders. I'd do the chicken tenders. My stepdad would get some sort of steak. Always a steak. And then afterwards, he'd be digging in his teeth with a toothpick that I think came in the martini or whatever. That's good eating right there. He's got the little sword.
That was with the sword. Sucking back, dude. Like a Dyson trying to get those tender bits of steak.
Yeah. So that was that was I mean, we were, you know, Fridays, of course, Applebee's for sure. But that was my mom's go to. That was like celebrations. I was the first place I ever had ice cream on a hot brownie. And I told everybody. The duality of temperatures blew my fucking hair back.
Is that what that means?
French.
No, it was my birthday. And man, I remember dipping in like the spoon melting the ice cream. And I remember being like, I'll give it a shot. the melted ice cream. I thought only they did it. I was like, you guys got to get down to Applebee's and Feasterville. This ain't on the news. Yeah. I didn't know that was like at restaurants. Because we weren't a dessert family.
It was my birthday or something. I got it.
Man, that's all right. I was, whoo-wee. I was, I mean, like, I also didn't find out chain restaurants, and obviously, when we say trashy, obviously, they're amazing. I love them. We go to them on the road. I was at a cheesecake factory, which I wouldn't lump into that, but people do.
I just had it. I had it yesterday in North Jersey. You did? I did. Whoa. I had to convince my wife. She's been there, but she had forgot. I don't know how you forget the factory. And I was like, yeah, it's great. They got a lot of good things. Meanwhile, I knew I was getting that chicken parm sandwich. You heard that work whistle? Let's go punch in at the factory. Got my R-DAT on.
I would lump that in. I didn't find out Applebee's was, you know, not considered high class. Well, here's the thing. I'm sorry to cut you off. Until my boy Flip, his parents were a little more culture. Like, a little more, I would call them artsy douchebags. Yeah. I remember his dad liked jazz. I was like, what the fuck, dude? What is he, back in time? What do you mean he liked jazz?
Where did the lyrics kick in?
That was the nicest places we would go were just chain restaurants. You know, a Friday's out there or wherever. Or we would do like Philly at that point had a couple in northeast Philly. There was a couple independent ones. There were like bars, but their version of like a TGI.
Lebec Finn. It was like that. I always thought they just served sharks and stuff there. I thought it was high-end seafood. It had Finn in the name. That's all. Buddy, they were serving fish. They got me eating walrus. Yeah, I was like, nah, dude.
Give it up for Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe. Rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available on Spotify.
Give me a break. Yeah. We have one of my favorite meals ever was with you at Altoona, Pennsylvania or whatever. Altoona. Cold day in Altoona. The very weekend where Are You Garbage started.
On that ride home. I was making fun of you for drinking milk with dinner. But we had to cross like five lanes of highway to get to a fucking empty Fridays.
And we, I remember putting, I'd go, you want to do a, I'd do a sampler. Sampler. And, man, sampler to start. Hey, man, talking to little Beck Finn, who? Yeah. Shout out to TGI.
All right, but let's get into it. So obviously we're talking chain restaurants, casual dining. I'm talking everything from your Chi-Chi's to your Applebee's to your Friday. Chi-Chi's, fried ice cream. Ponderosa Grill, whatever that was for you because some of them are regional, obviously. Yeah. And in some of the smaller, more rural areas, these are like the restaurants.
Like you got to drive 30, 40 minutes to get to the Applebee's and they're throwing out the best food. Catch a weight, too. Catch a weight. Catch a weight. I remember you used to get the pager. Get the pager. Get the pager. Jesus Christ. We were big. My dad would pull up. Someone would run in and put our name in. And you always felt like you were a forward operating marine team.
Gang, breaking news from here at Antony's. We are about to drop the Are You Garbage comedy special.
Kev, we got time about Aura Frames, baby. Aura. Big hit this holiday season was Aura Frame. Now you got St. Patrick's Day. You can get ready to go. You might have missed Valentine's Day, but wow, or come St. Patrick's Day with a nice Aura Frame.
They are the best. Number one digital photo booth right there. Uh-huh. Aura Frames. You throw it up on the mantle. You upload the pictures. Everybody gets to know what Billy, Timmy, Tommy, Bobby, everybody's doing. Keep up on the soccer games. Keep up on the recitals. Or if you're just out at a bar getting hammered and you want to send something to your grandma, spice it up a little bit.
I have one.
got embedded with you like those journalists for like and like live with a tribe for like what like shutter island yeah and i just live with you and learn you and you don't know because there's no way you're completely honest i can't watch that movie yeah i am i tell them everything that's that is a complete lie listen the fact no first of all not one listener believes that i tell him what a dickhead you are i tell him how i'm the coolest guy's got no hair doc i don't know busting my chops
I didn't like Shutter Island, the way they turned that on him. Hey, Pinhead, this isn't your movie podcast. Shut up. Talk about movies from fucking 18 years ago. I thought he was a real FBI agent. Same. The pajamas should have thrown me off. It's a good film. I've never seen it. Really? I don't like sequels.
All right?
That's Route 66, gang. We need this.
What's Kippy got to do with it, huh? Nothing on that. Again, it's a movie. It's a song.
That's what it was called. What? Her biopic was What's Love Got to Do With It. Biopic. Biopic. That's what. Biopic. Gotcha.
Ew. Is that an actual Netflix?
I think that's a foregone conclusion. We're pulling the trigger.
And the accountant is giving me big pushback. Can I ask what bank we talking to? He's talking to someone for us. Touchdown Bank? TD Bank? Nah, he's going Credit Union, but then the credit... Talk to my guy over at Navy Federal. Get us in there.
One of those PBR jugs from NAMM. We end up with an old aircraft carrier. That'd be sick. What do they do with all them ships down at the Philadelphia Navy Yard anyway? They're like museums and shit, and then they sink them. Do they? I don't know. I remember in the 80s driving by that and being like, man... Even as a little kid, that was the ones we weren't using.
If you don't know, over at the Philadelphia Navy, I don't know if they're still there, but back in the day, they had a lineup of frigates and destroyers and all this kind of stuff that we weren't even using.
Get the fire. You throw a coat of paint on those things, start kicking ass. I remember as a little kid being like, man. I'll be the size of one of those one day.
No.
All right. Can we get into the frigging questions here, guy? It's a family episode. You keep cutting me off. I'm not cutting you off.
I'm broadcasting. That's not what a good executive producer should do. I'm not an executive producer. Of the program? Of this show? Yeah. What would you call your host? Yeah. That's about it. I get lunch. When? Or Luke gets the lunch. Yeah, Luke gets the lunch on my phone. I do the coffees. I get the Starbucks order in the morning.
Well, I'll just assume.
It looks like you won a prize. It looks like you won a contest over there. I like my egg bites. I can't just have coffee straight. I got to have a little food with it. It's like an ibuprofen. That's just being fat. No. Yeah, I can't have water. I need pizza with it. Pizza and water?
Script supervisor.
I studied Shakespeare. Yeah, it shows. Thank you. Do bomb or not do bomb? You having a good time over there, asshole? I'm having fun. Good, me too. Love you, buddy. As a producer, that's pretty good. Call me tonight. What are you doing tonight, by the way?
Really? Yeah.
Good show. We stink, Noel. Can I help you?
Let's go. What a fun one.
Me? First question.
I got nothing.
Where's the computer?
It's just the screen?
Yeah?
This isn't that long ago. No, no. You bought a computer out of a magazine?
It's a real slice of Americana.
Desktop or laptop?
I couldn't. You got to get a booster for that stuff.
This whiz, I mean. I got a booster at my house because the signal wasn't going through.
Only thing that ever worked out with technology where I handled it, which the broad kind of handled it. So you didn't do it. I didn't hook it up. So you didn't do anything. I bought it. And we brought it to the house. And I'm like, there's no way this shit's going to work. Fucking eh. Yeah. A little daisy chain. Cooking. Uh-huh. I had to throw one of my videos on to test it out.
You got the goggles on, bitch.
Keep the woo-woos. Goddamn. Beep-bees for me. Can I help you?
The biggest thing we've ever done. Biggest production. A lot of money.
You start talking about Dark Ages wieners, which I didn't realize they were that long. What? The Dark Ages. How old are you, by the way? The Dark Ages. I thought it was like a couple of years. Hundreds.
What the fuck?
Cold? It was cold. Is that true? No, it was just when... No, it was cold. It was also the coldest period. It was the coldest period after the last ice age. It was freezing. Couldn't get a bowl of soup. Talk about hunkering down.
Must have had a lot of DVDs. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I picture everybody went to sleep. But I thought it was like 200 years. And so, wait, 500 AD? Yeah. So you're telling me 500 years after the birth of Christ, shit, Europe just shut down. Yeah. Nobody knows what was going on.
What?
Hey, Fortnite, shut up.
This is pre the Renaissance, right? Yeah, the Renaissance came after. Before the Medici got on the scene. Yeah. With all that cash. Big banks. Woo-wee! You know the Medici? I pronounce Medici, but yeah. I don't know what the proper pronunciation is. I believe it's the Medici family. Is it? Yeah. Medici. That makes scooters, right? That's something you get at the Minute Clinic. Hello.
Yeah, what was going on? What was everybody doing?
Yeah. Fighting. Fighting? Yeah.
That's crazy. That's not that long ago. I mean, it ain't last week. But in the grand scheme of things, that ain't that long ago. I mean, how big are we going grand scheme of things? As long as the planet's been spinning. Okay, sure. Millions of years. Sure. Universe been around six billion, something like that. Okay. Maybe more. That's a lot.
That's unquantifiable in anybody's head, so it doesn't really mean anything. Yes, it does mean something to me. What's it mean to you? And the intelligency of the day. Carl Sagan and the likes. Really? Fucking Medvedechi, or would you have mispronounced it?
Can you do that on YouTube?
I don't think they're allowed to advertise at all. No kidding. Yeah. Huh. They're not print ads anymore?
That's pretty good. You got a product that speaks for itself. You got really something cooking. I think of the millions Pepsi's dumping into advertising every year. Newport ain't spending a dime. And they keep you coming back.
We could have gotten to a bidding war, sure. Gone to different streamers and this and that. Forget all that. We're going right to the swords, right to the people. YouTube, baby. Nintendo is all over us.
Oh, man.
Making a cop laugh is pretty good.
You're going to a paid- He was making jokes, Your Honor, when I was booking him.
You know how I know the Medici? It's from one of my favorite poems by Edwin Robinson. Medici, Medici. Miniver Chivi is the name of the poem. Edwin Robinson.
Carl, Carl, Carl. Look, he's doing it again. Oh, fat ass. I'll do it. You mustard hole.
Yeah.
Mine was in drugstores, in pharmacies, in the front where the manager's office is. It was like a tower, and it had the see-through, the double mirror, and then it also had that big... Like, concave, convex? Sure. Check your six. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I always feel like they were watching me. I don't know why. Uh-huh.
Fucking cash. Always locked. And the heaters, too, probably.
Avocados are going up.
Kev, let's talk about true work. Oh, you mean the truest work? Yeah, true work is hell-bent on creating the most technical, high-performance workwear in the world, and they have done it. True work story begins in the Colorado mountains where a trade worker knew that there had to be a better solution than a wet, heavy gear that was weighing him down at work, so he came up with true work, baby.
Let's go.
You want to show up on the job site looking fresh.
Just a good goddamn time.
Kev, let's talk about Helix mattresses. Shout out to Helix. Let's talk about just the best in the biz and an OG podcast sponsor. Sleep like a king. Sponsor. I got the California king over there. I just flipped it around, put some fresh sheets on it. Man, you sleep like an angel in those things. And I'm no angel, I'll tell you that.
And I'll tell you what, you don't got to waste time in some mattress store with Helix. You go on the website there, you take a quiz, takes about two, three minutes.
They find out how you sleep, whether you sleep heavy, sleep light, whether you sleep on your side, on your back, hot, cool, whatever it is, they got you covered, and they will match you with the absolute perfect mattress and the last mattress you're ever going to own because once you go Helix, you never go Fleelix. I got to be honest with you.
I was smoking. A lot of heaters. A lot of basketball shorts. Not as many as I should have brought with me. A lot of top. Someone may or may not have shit themselves.
Do it.
Back to the show. Have I asked you this? I don't know. Hit me. Have you ever asked a girl out and got shot down, like straight up? Have I asked you this?
You never put yourself out there like that.
In like 7th and 8th grade, I had to do that a couple of times.
You had to walk in, take a shot, and man. Swing and a miss. You and your boys would talk about it for like a month. It's a 3-2 pitch. Boom, he's hitting the head. Get a plan together. Hey, you want to go to the mall on Saturday? Nah, I don't think so. Okay, cool. Yeah, me either. Heard it burned down anyway. Bitch. Lesbian. Okay.
I never got shot down at a dance asking some broad if she wanted to take a turn on a rug at the Catholic school dance. CYO dances we used to do. Yeah, we didn't.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, this might as well be Studio 54. It was crazy. It was dark as shit in there. You were either making a move or you were fighting the Italian kids out front. It was crazy. Fucking kids with mustaches and shit. I scared the shit out of you. Hey, Luigi. I just want to go home and watch Golden Girls.
See if Charlie's is still open.
Uh-huh.
It was one sharp knife.
That's a sharp one.
What are you doing in the steak knife drawer? Mm-hmm.
That's from when you put them in the dishwasher for all those years. It takes the fucking lacquer out of it. Oh, dude, it looks like two-by-four wood.
Those things are... I didn't know when I was a kid, I didn't know what I was doing. I remember cutting shit with the fucking bread knife. Like, you know, the serrated edge?
Oh, we did. Nice Sunday dinner, London broil. Baked potato wrapped in a fucking tinfoil.
Told Patty that's what I want for my birthday. I don't know if I mentioned this to you. A London broil? No, I wanted to cook a fucking nice dinner. With, like, fucking baked potato wrapped in tinfoil in the oven. Doesn't sound that nice. I mean, if that's the first thing you're listening to. That's one of the sides. Coleslaw.
Take a walk around the neighborhood. No, me, her. I'm asking. Just you two? Me, her, the broad, and, you know, my brother and the kids or whatever. And, you know, the rest of the family if they want to come over.
All right, I'm asking. Don't, you know. The immediates. My family.
And I want her to make one of those buttercream cakes that she used to make back in the day. You're trying to get her back in action.
Yeah.
For everybody involved. And green beans with... Chocolate sauce. No, green beans with... Do you ever do this? Green beans with breadcrumbs with Italian seasoning on them. No. They used to be popping back in the day. My brother just made them. That's what made me think of it.
Oh, so good.
Got Tootie on there with a nice tight cocktail dress. She's wearing that dress J-Lo wore back in the day, that green one.
You didn't like them?
What about wax beans? Did you eat wax beans? The yellow ones?
They're in a can.
Maybe a little pat of butter on them. Woo! In a cereal bowl on the table. Mm-hmm. Good night.
Let me get.
It's old school. I mean, she's an old broad. I had a lot of that shit.
Hit me with a crescent roll when I'm out.
Boston to Baltimore.
I'm putting a kid to work this episode.
Oh, yeah. Now you want faster Wi-Fi.
Yeah. Very nice. The Mid-Atlantic accent. That's a good group of states. Not bad.
She showed up in that thing. Spicy. We all went to seventh grade going, did you see? Tootie's got hairs in a double XL, so. Don't get too excited. You'd be falling out of that. I didn't ask you about that. What is the below the line situation? Am I an executive producer? What's the bad one? Is producer? What's the better producer? I want line producer.
It's not bad.
I feel that a pour would be better then. You take it out and you put a little on the lid, put the jar down, get your chip, load it up. I don't hate it.
You got to wash that shit. Lid, you just put that back on, throw it right in the back of the fridge.
Did you have a timeline on your salsa? No. So it could have been in there for a while, like the half jar in the back where the tomatoes crusted around the rim. You're still going in on that?
Okay.
That goes... Sure, I mean... If I lose focus on relish... I'm out.
What are you, my aunt? I have a little cold brew. Yeah, I got relish like that. You don't have relish in your refrigerator? No. American. You don't have a thing of relish.
Hot dogs. How many hot?
The last time you went and bought hot dogs at the store. I'm not making hot dogs at the house. Really?
That one time you bought hot dogs. You get a thing of relish, a fresh thing of relish.
I don't think.
Yeah, Patty wouldn't know what Sriracha was.
La Choy.
My dad, they actually did. They loved it. Sriracha? No, but they would do like a stir fry every once in a while. That shit got big in the 80s. I remember my dad buying a wok. And I remember. There goes the country. You're a goddamn veteran. Fucking bending the knee. Your buddy's laying face down over there. So what we fought for, for you to buy a wok? Nah, he loved it, man.
Dude, he used way too much oil. And I don't know what kind of oil he used.
Smoke alarms going off and shit. He loved that shit. He would love a stir fry. He loved the water chestnuts, the LaCroix water chestnuts. I think that's the company's name, LaCroix. I think, yeah, L-A-Croix. They always looked so good. It was so 80s. It was like 80s single lady that worked at an office.
So good. That and the crispy noodles, the LaCroix crispy noodles.
Sriracha was way too much for me to handle at first. That shit was spicy.
Oh, that's deep.
Ooh, anybody else's throat closing up?
Taking a pair of Chucks in the winter. Man, you're losing a ton.
Is that shit cold again? No, Patty, no. There isn't a bottle of Sriracha in Patty's household. No. What?
All that heat, all that peppers. I'll get you.
How about a couple of snacks in the green room for the boys?
I surprisingly don't. You should. Very unprepared. Because you're burping as you said that. Yeah. But not heartburn-y. I haven't had a heartburn in a while. I really have it under control. Great. Which is a good thing. Sure. I'm a gastro guy. Yeah, watch that. Barrett's esophagus. It's no good. It's got a little tiny bit of that. No, it's not good. I got to keep it under control. Okay.
I think that was a spin zone. You just said, I'm doing good.
I have GERD. And a little Barrett's esophagus.
Because he's lying, dude. He's got it. I'm not. It's spin. That's what I'm talking about. The spin.
I have a little bit. We've talked about this on the Patreon when I got my colonoscopy and my endoscopy. That's why I really have to be careful that I don't get heartburn. Okay. So I have it on top of it. So I haven't needed any Tums. Okay. Sounds good. Thank you. That's all that relish you're eating. Old relish? Well, my point with that was if I lose sight of the relish, I got to get a new one.
Sure.
I get that they're good. I love hot dogs. I can't take the blame here. I ate too many hot dogs when I was a kid. I've eaten too many hot dogs as an adult.
You don't like making dogs at the house? That's crazy. I do. There's nothing more... You and the wife have never gone your way to the grocery store. What do you want to have tonight? Let's do hot dogs. Let's do hot dogs. Get a thing of Bush's beans. Get a pack of buns. Some relish. I understand what hot dogs are.
What are you talking about?
You don't like chips and hot dogs?
This hasn't been recently. Still got the relish?
It's getting official ruling. You think that's crazy? Making hot dogs for dinner. I think it's very trashy, yes. In Manhattan, yes.
Listen, I think if you're single. There's less people not eating hot dogs than in Queens.
That's an old school kind of guy. Disney, man. They don't. They don't. They're always selling it. Sure. Mickey say. Remember Mickey? Yeah. Oh, forget it.
50-50, what's yours is mine. What? That don't make sense. Why, well, the debt's yours, too, then. My debit card's not working, by the way. What's my pin?
Switched over.
You can't smoke inside anymore? Mm-hmm. There's kids in there.
What a fun one. Gang, we love you to death. Make sure you check out the Route 66 special when it comes out. February 25th.
Don't snooze because you're going to lose. We love you. See you next week.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Hey! It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a group to be classy. Yeah. Or to just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, Tate Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in the new edition.
Very proud of it, man.
Tell them you're on the news. Tell them you're a movie star, baby. Let's go.
A lot of caveats in this one, don't you? Oh, man. Do this, don't do that. Well, listen. Share this, don't share that.
What a fucking winner so far, I got to say. I've been jammed up, man. Yeah, man. Our pet's heads are falling off. I was at a fucking CVS Minute Clinic this morning. That's where I'm at. That's not where they tie me when you jerk off. Got the record. Eight seconds. Your pants were still on. And go. Got a free case of Prime for that. Sure. Out the door. They got that everywhere, by the way.
They got that in powder form now. I know. Everything's in powder form. It is. Line producer. I saw they had Narcan at CVS. I didn't know they had that there. Yeah. Right next to the gummy bears. That should be free, right?
Kids get mad you do that if you narc them up. Fucking ruin the game. Yeah. That's $17 I got to go out and fucking panhandle for again. Uh-huh. Bad news. That and milk. I always see them pouring milk down guys' throats when they're all fucked up. I think that's just that one video.
My skin's dry. I had the flu. Yeah. The boys are down bare. Fucking brutal. Crazy. Rome has fallen. Goddamn stinks. Can't wait to get to the spring, summer. That's when the year really starts.
What? I don't know. You said you had a little glimpse. You said you had a little glimpse of it this morning. I thought you meant the summer.
Route 66, ladies and gentlemen. Comedy like that's not going to be on Route 66. I'm talking heavy hitting punch lines. I thought that was funny. I didn't get it. Yeah, it was over your head comedically. I'm pretty sure we're going to cut it. I got to do puppet shows for you. You're really slipping. What are you talking about? Try to keep up. My comedy is growing.
She's upstairs, just got her brand new dress. Okay. For the Big Root 66 premiere. I told this dumb broad we're not doing a premiere like that. Okay. She's trying to get Jon Hamm as her plus one. She's dressing up for the YouTube premiere. It's virtual, honey. There's no red carpet. It's the internet, duds. This ain't on Netflix. This ain't the Golden Globes, baby. There's no brick and mortar.
It's becoming more and more intellectual. Okay? So try to keep up. It's not the same fat guy stuff anymore. What is it? What's what? Who's on first? I just did the summer bit. Which confused most of the room. All of the room, theoretically. He got it. He just doesn't say anything. Ugh. He doesn't want to piss off daddy.
Yeah, like, you know, would you see me on the beach? Like, that would be a little glimpse of summer. Because I want to be all over it. Like, I envision you in.
I'm just thinking some timeline. I'm killing. If universes are infinite. Cut to a room full of people. You going down to shore this summer? What? I'm going down there. What the hell are you talking about? Because we're going to be off the road.
Yeah. What? I have the Borgata.
Don't think I'm not hitting those fucking tables either. I'm on a heater. The buffet table. Put a couple of these together. I'm going to have a lot of plates, sir. I want a couple of rooms down there. Okay. Because I got my cousin. Why are you talking to me like I'm your goddamn fucking travel agent? You're an executive producer. You can get whatever rooms you want to get. I got to get it myself?
2,500.
How you doing? You weren't there. How are they going to recover? How are they ever going to bounce back? I got my cousin trying to push me to fucking stay there. At their place in fucking Margate or whatever.
Down the shore. Down the shore. Down the shore in the summer. Yeah. A couple of local boys make good. Fuck this. Let's go to the shore. I need some dry air. I need a humidifier. I need new sinuses. I need dry air and a humidifier. Look at my wife.
That shit's no good for you, they found out, those infusers. Hey. The oils. Seed oils, too, are bad. I don't know if you guys knew that. Watch out.
No, I'm not. Chicken cheesesteak. Oogie.
Yeah, this is you. You're a family episode. No, you're screwing around. I'm trying to tell you a little bit about me. My skin's dry.
God, it don't work.
I got all that stuff. They should not use those oils. I hear they're bad. It's not seed oil. It's coconut oil. How do you think a coconut grows, asshole? Dogs are chasing me around the goddamn neighborhood. I got the gold in the body. I do want to switch over to tallow. I just don't know where to score it. Beef tallow? Aren't you a tallow guy? Not on my skin. Make your eggies with it. Yeah.
Wait, am I a tallow guy? I thought you said you were.
Sipping your beer out of a straw. Can I get a lid for this? Can I get a Bex and a coffee cup, please? Uh-huh. All right, let's quit screwing around. You quit screwing around. You keep bringing up your dry skin like that's breaking news or something. Shut it. You got me thinking about the summer. I need the summer to get here quick. You brought it up, not me.
We're online. Passing savings on to you. My co-host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and the executive producer. Of the feature documentary Route 66. Sure. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up?
If I make it through the winter, it'll be a goddamn miracle. I feel like I'm on the Oregon Trail. You ever lose anybody on that? I lost everybody. My guys were getting lice left and right. Before we left the general store, I had like three nine-year-olds fucking missing. Comanches took them.
Kids, where are you going? Let me tell you about my dry skin. They're scalping themselves. These kids don't get my humor. Speaking of which, there's a good movie on that. This is going to be brutal. What? A good movie on what? No, never mind. I'm going to save it. No, this is great. If you guys want to know, hit me up. No, great movie. Call me. Hit me up. Go. What was the movie?
I'm running out of chat buddies. I got no chat. I called this dickhead the other night. Fucking didn't pick up with his girl or something like that. Yeah, man. I want to tell you, you stink.
It's brutal. Patty? Patty. Mama.
You should go to the diner.
Delicious. You're just everybody. You're the guy at the counter. You're the waitress. Mozzarella. Damn it. You stink. Even in Foleyville, you stink. I need some nootropics. What? Some Neuralinks. That's what I want to get, that Neuralink.
They start fighting each other. Okay, let's talk about Shopify, baby. Shout out to Shopify. Nobody, and I mean nobody in this solar system Does selling better than Shopify, baby. If you got an online business, do yourself a favor. Get Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet and the one not so secret with Shopify that boosts conversations to 50%, baby.
I got the pen in my car. Right this way, Jim.
You asked for an autograph.
Legend in the building. Back with us. Uh-huh. Thank you. Happy to have you, man.
Who's your representation, Jocko?
Yeah, I thought he was famous.
Okay, but something about true classics. Love that true classics, gang. Talking about the best t-shirts in the business. Now they got everything over there. They got active wear, whatever you want. Hoodies, jeans. Just growing over there. Gang, let me tell you something. There's two stages of my life. There's the pre-true classics and the post-true classics. See this thing? It's not a true classic.
That's why it's hanging off. Looks like a bozo. I got a nice pack at the house.
Looks good. Feel comfortable. Highlights all the good places. Look at this flap. This is what you don't want to look like.
I'm the lady in gray on the fucking, on the ad. You know what I mean? I've had to work the pasta maker. Get yourself a true classics and everything else they got this holiday season.
Thank you, buddy. We appreciate it.
Keep going, keep going. We're in here doing rubbing tugs. Got you waiting in the lobby with them little beers. Remember that?
Kit, we got to talk about Tushy.
Because I got a little surprise for you.
I got it all hooked up at the house.
And my butthole is a whistling.
Clean as a whistle. Gang, Tushy, bidet, hooks up to the toilet. What are you doing with the wipes, with the toilet paper? You're killing yourself. Get a nice fresh clean in there. Give your asshole a shower with Tushy.
I think we asked you about your first job, but did you have any jobs, like, as you were starting out in comedy, any bartending or anything like that?
Married man now, brother. Justin, it's time for the holidays. How's that going? How's that treating you?
You get laid with fucking Florentine.
They were watching 60 Minutes.
Gentlemen at the end of the day. Of course. Have you ever walked out of a job? That's it. I'm fucking done.
Forcer for a diamond mine?
You drive a forklift. That's pretty good.
If you had to hop back behind the wheel now, I think you could handle it.
There you go. Yeah.
Mow the lawn, I think, is the trashier of the two. No, it's the classier.
And how do you say the thing that you get your car... That could be too many things. Took? Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't want to. Why? I don't know. You have car. You have health. You have life. Oh, car insurance. Insurance. You didn't go insurance.
Understandable. So they begin to Jones for it. Understandable.
Ground beef or hamburger meat? Hamburger meat.
It's European, though. Yeah, it's European. Minced meat.
That's what Mike Tyson does to his opponents. Turn you into minced meat. What the fuck? That was always a beat you up thing. I'll turn you into minced meat. It's always food with you. But I was fighting Jack Dempsey.
That's like me in Delaware. I've got a guy down there.
Yeah, because you can kind of hear it.
But it wasn't a cleanliness thing.
And did you think you would have to clean it? Would you have given it a once-over? You have to.
Oh, man, we are nuts. What I was doing. It's pure mental illness. I'm just combing my hair.
Bet you really gave it to her after that, huh?
I went down on her for 45 minutes. I couldn't get hard. Do you like a surprise party?
Tim Howard beats you out. Oh, I know Tim Howard. Yeah, it's a tight list. It's only six people on the list. Go top to bottom. James Altucher.
Sean Cameron. What's he famous for? Wait, what's James Altucher famous for?
He's like a billionaire, isn't he? Hedge fund manager. Yeah, he's like a billionaire.
Got Tim Howard, Jim Norton at number four. There you go. Harry Spears.
No, it's not. Yeah, it's just rant. I think it's just rant.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
He never graduated. He was expelled his sophomore year.
You little rat. He ain't graduating.
His Tony Soprano is fucking.
Those stores get hot, I'll tell you that. How are you guys traveling together? Are you good with that?
Got the watch chair in there. Got away with words.
No. You have a jacuzzi out on the balcony? On the terrace, yeah. The terrace. Man. Yes. He's a fucking... And then there's a tub in the bathroom. Yes, with a jacuzzi jacket. You can't walk out of the bathroom onto the balcony, can you?
That's a small one. How many broads you got living there? None. Oh.
I've thought of it, believe me.
So then in the bathroom, there's a bathtub that has a shower on it. That's a jacuzzi bathroom. That's the guest bathroom, yes.
So you don't have to take the dog down. The dog's a little dog, big dog.
Cancel the Juliet Terrace. Yeah.
Yeah. And Tough Crowd. Ups and downs, baby. Yeah. I fucking love it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Kevin, let's talk about Aura Frames. Oh, screaming from the rooftops, Aura Frames. Gangs, it's the goddamn holidays, and you want to make it easy? Aura Frames, every broad on the list. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, everybody. Pass those things out like the old McDonald's gift cards.
Hand out order frames to everybody. Uh-huh. Digital photograph frame. Upload it right from your phone so they can keep up to date on what's going on in your life, the kids' lives, the recital, the this, the that. Johnny struck out at baseball. Timmy blew it in the soccer game.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition. She's upstairs washing her dainties. Okay. Her unmentionables. All right. In the bathtub. Okay. Using lava soap.
Can't be Mint Mobile, Mint Mobile, Mint Mobile. Love it. I'll say it one more time. Mint Mobile, been a sponsor for a minute now.
OG sponsor. Shout out to Mint Mobile gang. Why in the world are you paying so much for these big guy... Big box stores. Big box stores. What are you paying all this money for?
That's true. Mint Mobile done all online. That's why it's $15 a month. You sign up for three months, that's $45. You're covered for three months. It's unbelievable. 5G network. We're talking the good stuff.
Have you ever had a credit card cut up in front of you?
Or I like to just do the shirt first. Great question. I use white deodorant now and I still never have that problem. I never get anything on me. Maybe you put your shirt on. Do you always stretch it out over your pits when you do it? Yeah, that's right. You've been talking to him.
If we came over to the house right now and we asked for a glass of water, what would you be giving us?
Would it be Brita?
I don't know. I don't know. Rich guys.
Now, is this the one attached to your sink, or is this like a Brita?
Yeah. Standalone.
Well, reverse osmosis went to New Brunswick. I believe it's reverse osmosis and it's around $500. Okay. So that's what we're getting.
How about the ice cubes? What's the ice cube situation?
Whoa. Yeah. Sub-Z's over at Norton.
Sure. Not just doing your thing. The dog, we won't be able to. Will you bring a pillow from the bedroom out to the couch if you want to lay down and watch TV or whatever?
Gotcha. Will you ever bring a pillow on a plane from the house?
His and her sinks, I assume? Yes.
And you floss in every day.
You got to bring Rio into this.
So when you were banging in Rio, raw dog, did you have flip-flops on? I did not. That's the funny part.
Yeah. It's like the most famous brothel in Brazil.
Is it only Google business? Tons of articles are written about it. Carmelo Anthony accidentally went there. Yeah. So did Jim.
I like the Swiss cheese. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, we spent a lot of nights there.
Send up your finest escort right away.
Huh. Are you guys still not, remember we talked to you, you're not big on the cooking. Is she cooking now at all? She makes great stew, and she makes Norwegian food, which I don't like at all.
Sure. Oh, the Green John's. Yes. Okay.
John. Oh, that's the affiliate thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The green egg thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. That's a goal. So if you go home tonight, what are you going to do?
You can't say no. Yeah, you can't say no. Jim Norton has really turned it around. I'll tell you that. Really have.
Yeah. This might be the first time that we had a legit garbage to fucking. This kid's all class now.
You got a goddamn terrace. Not even the money, just how you're handling it, what you're doing with it. You got the dog, you're going to Rayos. You got a nice car.
He's standing there in his robe waiting for you.
Which you've always been. Sure. And you've been doing well for a long time. But, man, when you really compare the childhood and the beginning to this.
That I got for my haberdasher. My chinos.
What do you sleep in? We might have asked you this before. What do you sleep in now? Nude.
Yeah, that older shit. I'm assuming you don't like when the toilet and the shower are, like, in the same room.
Not in the same room, but, like, you know what I'm talking about?
Didn't run. Walked. Casually.
You ever stay at the Plaza here in the city for shits and gigs? I have not, no. Let's do it this weekend. I'll stay at the Plaza. The three of us.
Oh, yeah. Fair enough.
I enjoy a crumpet every once in a while.
You like the white tea oil that they have in there? Like the smell that the fancy hotels have?
That's Ted Bundy stuff. It really is. Driving overnight from Florida to Nevada or something. Put the diaper on and hit the road.
Are you taking any of that stuff home with you? Are you taking any of the lotions or the soaps or anything?
I got it from the hotel. Yeah, she stole it. Yeah. Huh. So, no, I don't take anything.
This has been a, I mean. This is a turnaround.
Well, thank you. Fucking classiest guy in New York. You got dinner at Rayo's. Jim Norton, everybody. Well, thank you very much.
What are you thinking of getting after the Beamer, though? What would the new lease be? Oh, right.
You're not going like Daewoo or Kia or something like that, right? No, no, no, no, no.
I was about to reverse my decision.
Get a new coffee machine at the house. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jim Norton. Thank you very much. Brand new podcast on YouTube that you have to check out, Nicky and Jim. Buddy. It's called Sword Fight, the podcast, yes. What's that? Sword Fight. Sword Fight? It's a podcast, yes. Oh, I thought it was Nicky. That's the channel, Nicky and Jim NYC. Gotcha. I love it. Thank you very much.
Thank you. We love you. We can't thank you enough for coming in. Jim Norton, everybody.
We always talk about this. I mean, we do understand it. I mean, especially something like that where you're so – even though it's D.C., you're still so close back home. Like, you have to be somewhat over that shit. How brutal was it, like, when you were coming up doing clubs and you're – you know, we're lucky we go together so we can goof around. But when you were by yourself –
Everywhere. Great. Love it. Jim Norton, everybody. Kippy, what do you got for him?
I mean, that had to wear.
All right. Okay. That's from our good friend Bridget Mahoney on the old Patreon. The fifth tag got me. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world.
There's a piano wire in the back seat if you need it.
I miss those days. The good old days. Oh, Florentine must have been fun.
He's got that voice, too.
Straight hotel room, beds next to each other? Two like double beds. That's sweet, dude.
Guys that make skateboards for us. That's about it. Has the home... I know you guys had work done on the house, but has the home improved or your lifestyle improved now that she's there? Like, does all the silverware match? Is it spotless all the time? All that kind of stuff? Is it more domesticated?
What's a trad traditional wife?
What do you want from me? Dating a teenager? I know. Smoking weed with posters on the wall. Yeah, it's like we're talking about flower like smoking joints. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the apartment?
Like you were saying, yeah.
What about the gummies?
Yeah, do something. Mow the lawn. It's in a high rise.
Hey, thanks for playing along. This guy's funny. Maybe we could pick up some kicks. I don't know you had a personality on you. I thought you were just a good-looking fella.
okay uh-huh um what about the holidays how's the apartment shaping up shaping up with that do you guys get a tree and all that stuff yeah we order a fake tree every year it's too big to store um and she was she was going through one of her dicks so you throw it out at the end every every year no shit throw it out damn you got throwing away artificial tree money they're not that much though they're like they're not not that much but it's probably cheaper than a fucking real new
How much was the kid? Somebody scoops that up.
And, gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest back with us again today. He is a legendary stand-up comedian. He's one of our absolute favorites. He has a brand-new podcast with his lovely wife, Nikki. Mm-hmm. Nikki and Jim over there on the YouTube. You got to check it out.
I don't want the tree. Exactly.
They are like a couple from the 50s. Tree and a dog. The Amazon shit, man. Brutal. Insane. It's getting worse and worse. And there's so much pressure. If you're coming up, she thinks someone's going to steal the packages from the package room. Yeah. And it's like, dude, I don't give a fuck. Let them steal it. It's crazy.
Goddamn kiss poster we're talking about here. Someone's going to steal that.
How many times have you seen them in concert, would you say? Not too many. Not a lot?
He's the other guy. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I see that guy all the time in the East Village.
And you can hear him every morning, Monday through Thursday, 8 a.m., Faction Talk Radio, Sirius XM, Channel 103 with Jim and Sam. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the one and the only, Mr. Jim Norton.
I was 12 years old. He's still in character. He starts petting you. Jim's got lipstick on.
That's a really good one. Yeah. You know what he was great in is heat. Was he in heat? He was in heat. He was the one that got the fucking plans. He was the one that was working with John Boy. He was in a wheelchair. I don't remember. He was good in that. I see him all the time in East Village.
F. Murray Abraham. He does gather an eclectic squad.
That's right.
He likes Nissan Altimas. I got a $10,000 murdered out Nissan Altima. $150 a month.
Okay. All right.
Marvin's.
Love it. The big red vinyl. Started by Rocky Aoki. Rocky Aoki. It's based off his parents' tea shop in Japan, Benihana. That's where the name comes from.
Did get jammed up for insider trading 1999. Ooh. Ooh.
Bit of a wives' tale. There's no evidence to back up that claim.
You can never keep it going. What was the claim again?
No evidence of it. Maybe I'm thinking of Richie Rich. That was Richie Rich.
No, it was that guy. That's a big fat liar.
Michael Lerner? Probably. That kind of looks like Don DeVito.
That's what I'm looking at.
Dutch filmmaker.
Thank God.
Totally.
Huge ball back.
Jacuzzi is the name brand.
I do this in installments. Oh, I'm KJ Ryan, a very important man. From the mainland. I come to look at your fine delicacies. Okay. Okay, let's talk about Helix mattresses. Shut up, the Helix baby. I farted in one this morning. I woke up on one this morning. In the neighbor's house. Hello.
I bought three of them. Doing a lot of boning, huh? I pee the bed a lot. Still waiting on them rubber sheets. And luckily, if it wasn't a Helix, I'd have to buy 10 of them, the way I go through these things.
Full video available on YouTube. And also now full video available on Spotify. What's up with that, by the way? I don't know. I don't know. We got sucked up in an algorithm. Somebody talk about making backdoor deals. I thought you said they selected a few pods that are going video now. And we're one of them? We're one of them. Look at that. Yeah. I don't know.
What's that take? 15, 20 minutes? Takes two, three minutes.
Helix is the mattress for you. It is. It's fantastic. Like we've said, years ago when Helix came on board, I took the sleep quiz. I got lined up with that Twilight model, me and a bird, snoozing away. Best sleep of my life. It's the first adult purchase I made where I'm like, this matters. You know what I mean? I got the Cali King, and I've been away for a couple of weeks.
Sliding back into that thing was like... Like an old man into a bath. Oh. Fantastic. So here we go. Here's the turkey, baby. It's 25% off site-wide, plus two free dream pillows with mattress purchase. The pillows are all right, too. Go to helixsleep.com slash garbage for 25% off site-wide, plus two dream free pillows with a mattress purchase.
One more time, that's helixsleep.com slash garbage, 25% off site-wide, plus two free dream pillows with mattress purchase. helixsleep.com slash garbage. Do it. Do it. Kip, let's talk Rocket Money, baby. Rocket Money.
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You can cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster in 2025 with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash garbage today. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage. One more time. Get a pen. Get a pencil. rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Do it. All right, all that's either here or there. Have you ever heard of Washington Heights?
Have you ever heard of rent-stabilized one-bedroom pre-war apartment building that may or may not contain mold? Yes, I would like to look at your discount bags. Do you have anything from the last few years I can take a look at? That's going to drive me crazy. I can't think of it. Well, you know. What are you going to do? It is what it is. It is.
But we got a gosh darn family episode and a little bit of a different family episode this time. It's a little bit of a themed family episode. The cops edition. Yikes.
I wonder what I kicked out of Hermes. I'm talking the fuzz, the 5-0. You got a boom box on you? Okay. Let's talk cops. Let's talk cops. Let's talk cheese. What was the nickname for the cops growing up for you? Fuzz. Really? He had a fuzz. That's an old school one. Or as a young, upstanding kid, police officer. Sir. What are you doing in my mother's bedroom?
They haven't cut me a fucking check yet, so I don't know. But they're not supposed to. Shout out to it. They're not supposed to either. But we got where we have now. Somebody messaged me and was like, you guys are on Spotify? I was like, you told me. I don't know. I'm in iTunes, man. No, so now we have full video available on Spotify. That's crazy. It might be for Spotify Premium.
Yeah, my dad's going to be home in a couple minutes.
Cops in her town?
Sure. Nice. Mm-hmm.
One guy's sitting in the middle. Looks like they're going to a concert or something. It's a weird vibe. They all have their uniforms on. Uh-huh. Like, what are you guys doing? Dude, you know what's... Get an Impala like a gentleman. What they do, the traffic cops here, they all get dropped off. Third and... Find out, can you look at the actual difference between a traffic cop and a cop?
They got no nickel.
They got no gun on them. Those guys saved the city, though. Sure. The traffic cops, they all hop in a van, like an NYPD school bus, and it's like they're all going to day camp or something. They all got their bag and their lunch, and they get, be back here at 2 p.m. They all get picked up again. Yeah.
Really? Oh, I'm putting that to the test.
There's no room to put you in the back. Whoa, they can't arrest you? You're sitting in the front seat. Let me drive this thing. No shit. Everybody knows that. I didn't know that. Tough spot. You can't turn here? The fuck I can't. They get your plates, though. All right, write me the ticket. Can't afford a nice bag. Listen, I'm going to have to pay this next month.
I spent all my money on a bag that my wife liked. Wow, I did not know that. I genuinely didn't know that. Yeah, we called him The Fuzz. Yeah, we were 5-0. Maybe 5-0. 5-0 was big. Yeah. Which was, do you know the origination of 5-0?
5-0 on the scene. No, my dad told me what it was. He should know this. Yeah, yes. I should know this? You should know this. Drugs. No. Something with drugs. Let's get some drugs. Hawaii 5-0. Oh, that's pretty good.
Is that what it is? Yeah. Why'd they call Hawaii 5-0 5-0?
Listen, I'm not a... I saw. I got it on mine. I'm an idea guy. I got it on mine. I don't have Spotify Premium, I don't think. Okay. I bet you don't. Ain't got the $8.99. I just got locked out of my fucking Napster account. I've been listening to the same songs over and over again. Justin Timberlake. You're locked out of your Napster account. You know this. I know, but how'd you get locked out?
No shit. Hawaii 5-0. You should know that. I know. Right? You steal valor. You know Hawaii. That could be you. That was a sweet show back in the day. I didn't really watch the reboot, obviously. But back in the day, it was fucking tight. Okay. We got a couple. Listen. You guys listen to the show. You guys. Some of you got records, if we're being honest with you. 99% of you got records.
I don't condone it. We love you, baby. I don't condone it, but hey, everybody's got a checkered past. Everybody's got a bumpy future. You know what I mean? I got friends on house arrest right now. You know who you are. Is that me?
No, we were doing the show that we did in parks, and we were like, oh, where's so-and-so? Where's so-and-so? So-and-so's M.I.A., And then he sends a picture of his ankle with a monitor on it, and he's like, I ain't allowed out of the house. There ain't no elf on the shelf. Yeah, tough, tough. But, hey, shit happens. It gets the best of everybody. All right, let's see here. This one's just funny.
This is from El Boho Rojo. First time I got arrested, I was running from the cops. I got tackled, and I shit my pants. That is a, dude, that is, that's going to be a long weekend. Who got you, J.J. Watt? That's crazy. Somebody came across Jeremy, somebody came across the middle and got you. Jesus. That's, yeah, damn. That's a tough one. Tough one. Also. Getting tackled.
That cop, I mean, that cop's going above and beyond. Sure. I mean, unless you were robbing a bank or something, if you're like proper taking a spear dive. Running from a party or something like that. Hitting him like Bill Goldberg, like taking him out. Getting hung out to dry across the middle. The dudes on To Catch a Predator always get tackled in the front lawn.
You got holding balloons and shit.
You got to do something big. You got to pull a gun. You got to try to get out of that. That's a tough look. I mean, you shouldn't be in that situation. What am I talking about? That's all right. It's crazy how that people are just still getting caught like that. Like, there's just... I would be like... They're all falling for the same trick over and over again. It's been documented for 30 years.
You see the camera guys out front? I know. What the fuck? The news van didn't set you off? Seems legit. Dirtbags. Go to therapy.
No, just tackled. Wow. Imagine getting hit so hard you shit yourself. It's like hot rod.
Probably keep the other guys away. Sure, nobody wants to mess with you. I'd be rubbing it on my hair and stuff. Ain't nobody want to touch you. Brutal. This one's from Itchy Buttcrack. How are you, sir? All my life, my parents would say, there's a cop behind us. Don't look. That was, dude, why is that? Yeah. They were afraid if a kid looked at the cop, you'd be arrested.
Because my sister-in-law- First of all, the balls on Napster to be locking people out. My sister-in-law stopped paying. You need everybody you can get. They do pretty good. What? They do pretty good. Listen, now we're a Spotify company. Now I don't know what you're talking about. We're on God damn- They're giving us video. Are they competitors? Who? Spotify and Napster?
There's a cop. No one look. No one look. And my dad would always fake the seatbelt because he was an anti-seatbelt guy. Anti-seatbelt bastard. So he goes, oh, shit, he'd pull it across and drive one-handed. I'd have to do the same thing. He was very against seatbelts. It's crazy. What? It's crazy. I remember when they did the click it and ticket thing that Pennsylvania did.
Because it used to be you weren't... The law... Like I said, he knew his seatbelt rights at the time. Okay. And for the longest time, I think it wasn't a ticket, but then it became a ticket, but if he got pulled over. They couldn't pull you over if they noticed you weren't wearing your seatbelt.
What? You were alive? That was a rule? You didn't have to wear a seatbelt? I think it was over 18, maybe. If you were over 18. I think it was like the choice of like, I don't want to wear a seatbelt. Kind of like motorcycles have the option in Pennsylvania to not wear a helmet.
But I remember at some point that if you didn't have it on, it would then be a citation afterwards. Like if you got pulled over. Speeding. Speeding. Hey, I'm going to get you for the seatbelt too. Also, you weren't wearing your seatbelt.
Can't pull you over for the seatbelt. How do you see that? What? How do you see I got a seatbelt on? You're driving by your partner. I don't know. Something. Yeah. Trumped up charges. Search the car. Find your stash. Yikes. You know what I mean? Then you're jammed up. Make you blow a breathalyzer. Next thing you know, you're in the clink and you've got shit in your pants.
You're driving the car, though. You're driving a Mitsubishi. It's seven years old. But then I remember when it switched where they would do checkpoints where you'd stop and make sure. Dude, he knew where they all were. And he'd be like, I drove by here earlier today. Put your seatbelt on. But then we would take it right off. And I remember my boy Pat would be like, it's insane. It's already on.
Like, you've put it on for the checkpoint. Stick it to the man. Just leave it on. Just leave it on. But we were... Yeah, we were always big seatbelt people. Even my dad. He was a big seatbelt guy. We had a goddamn seatbelt on. It's one of those things where you're like, it should just be on. But they would get scared when a cop would come behind them. Oh, that.
It's not like you're going to get taken away. I know, but they just... It was so different back then of just like the... The run-in with the—I don't know. I remember my mom got pulled over down at Wildwood, and I was sleeping in the back. I was a kid. You're in her Ford Taurus. And I was sleeping in the back seat. She disappeared for a couple minutes, came back, and you were on your way.
Jesus Christ. My goddamn mother's upstanding citizen. We got pulled over going into the island, coming off the island. That's where you get pulled over. What were you guys running? Puerto Rican rum. Trunk full of it. And the tires filled with it. And I was sleeping in the back, so I didn't have my seatbelt on. Because I was snoozing. I was a tired little boy. You know what I mean? Badass.
I was all hopped up on chicken. Laying across? Laying across. I mean, come on. What's better than that? I'm talking probably 1993. Had a pillow back there, too, I bet. I don't know.
I don't think they're boys, dude. First of all, I don't think- I'm a Spotify man. I don't think Spotify's losing any sleep over Napster, if I had to guess. If I had to guess, I think Spotify is sleeping pretty well. Or my 90s alternative playlist. Nirvana again. I like it. That's pretty cool. Spotify video. Spotify video. And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.
Remember my neck hurt. Could have been because either that or the fucking headlock he put me in for resisting. I thought I was a little person or something. A balding six-year-old. There's a little freak in the back. He's got his taser out. Don't look at me. This little old young one won't stop staring at me. You weren't a pillow in the back seat guy?
Yeah, we didn't take it for like... We were running from like... Why would the C aisle? I wasn't like. Ah, gotcha. We were, this was like a. You fall so quick, don't you? It's like a 10 minute drive. It was. Let's shut it down for a couple minutes. All that chicken parm in you. It was late. And what'd she say? We might have, something happened. I could see her sassing back a little bit.
Yeah, he's like, and there's the one in the back doesn't have a seatbelt. The one in the back. Man, he got your number. I'm smoking. What the fuck's this all about? Hey, buddy, right to dick it or not. Let's go. What kind of dog is that? That's my son. She's like, yeah, he doesn't have a seatbelt on. She's like, yeah, well, he's sleeping. I remember that. That, like, snapped me about it.
Yeah, well, he's drunk. So. We're a family of booze bags. Uh-huh. Did she get a ticket? No, I don't think.
25 or 100 bucks.
Uh-huh.
She's got the mag light in her mouth. She's making it disappear. Let me see that nightstick. Tells me to go check the oil real quick. Keep the hood up. I ain't gonna sit in the back of the squad car. Check out the sirens, kid. Turn the radio on real loud.
I just picture that scene from Super Troopers when they pull over the German couple or whatever. Oh, now things are getting kinky. That was so funny and turned me on. That lady was so fucking hot. That might be the reason why I have a German wife. I used to tug my little root to that scene. You could see her nippies and stuff. That guy was so funny, too, the dude driving the car. Hell yeah, man.
Now things are getting ginky. Shout out to Super Trooper. Damn. Okay. Did you get a ticket? Do you remember? I don't think so. No, I think they let us go. Maybe she got a speeding ticket or whatever, but it was just like, I remember her going, yeah, he's sleeping. It's like 91, dude. Seatbelt ruling, you know. We're in the outside wild. We're in the boonies.
You're lucky we're not on meth right now. Fair enough. Sure. All right, let's see. This one's from M. Beatty. One time I showed up for a scheduled two days in jail. The way he just gets into that right away, like that's a normal thing. One time I showed up for a schedule two days in jail at 11 p.m. What's the point of that? I don't know. You can't pay the fine?
If you're like, hey, listen, find out what charges would get you a weekend. Two days? Two days seems whatever. You got to pay your debts to society for whatever you did or didn't do or were framed for.
You go over there, you get all your bonus content. When you sign up, we'll answer your garbage question on the air over there. It's a good freaking time.
Ooh, they get you with that. They got a bunch of guys for the Super Bowl tickets like that. Oh, yeah. I tell you, I never thought my boy got caught like that. He was such a fucking idiot, this kid. He got caught. He was a big pill head. He was bad news. He had a warrant out in Miami or something, or like Fort Lauderdale. And we were in college, and he got a letter, hey, you won something.
And he went down and got fucking... Ain't just giving Super Bowl tickets away. I don't know if it was the Super Bowl. It was like, you know, you want a new flat screen or something. He's like, yeah, this is my... Yeah.
Got a new Craig waiting for you in Tampa Bay.
Nah, it's just I was probably in college, so like 10, 15, yeah, 15 years ago, whatever that was.
Well, you got to think like... That's great. The guy who thought up of that, man. Let them come to us. They were high-fiving him in the boardroom. Dude, the first time they did that, it made CBS News show up. They were like, man, those guys walk in with the biggest shit. They're like, yeah, right through there. They check their IDs. Okay, you're Henry Jenkins. All right, right through that door.
Hey, come in. Hey! Oh, shit. Get cuffed up real quick.
God damn. Dan Marino in there. All right. One time I showed up for a scheduled two days in jail at 11 p.m. on a handful of Tylenol p.m. so I could just get booked in and fall right asleep. I didn't bring my phone so the cops couldn't look. Like a Southwest flight. I didn't bring my phone so the cops can't look through it. Smart. Smart. Right?
Of the wedding saga that just came to completion. Yes, came to completion. Married man now. Very nice. Stop it with the nudes. We're all very happy for you.
This guy's, you know, into some nefarious activities, I'm sure. I like it. So he pops a handful of fucking Tylenol PM in the parking lot, walks right in, thinks he's going to get in, knock him out. That's a brilliant move. Great. Brilliant move. I'm going to sleep this one off. I'll sleep till noon tomorrow. It don't matter. I got a day and a half. Get a little lunch. Get the hell out of there.
Get some lunch. Play some fucking handball. Call it a weekend. Shoot some dice. And? They messed up and didn't have me on the list for jail that weekend. So I had to walk a mile to a phone on sleeping pills to get picked up outside of a gas station at 1 a.m. Dude. That sucks. Talk about the ultimate backfire. I've taken Tylenol PMs and not gotten enough sleep. Man, you feel like a zombie.
That's a tough dude. Imagine just wandering down a street at fucking midnight, fighting all your eyes, getting a droopy.
I don't think so. It's got to be. Like four or five. Still, you're supposed to get eight hours of sleep on that. Sure. This broad's walking around all loopy. That's a tough look, man. Yeah, that's bad. You could have just said, come on, let me do it now. Yeah, I guess. But I think at those points where they're like, hey, we don't have you on the list. We can't let you in jail.
Smart. Again, this was almost executed 100% perfectly. Man. He was either like a hero or a bozo, and he ended up being the bozo.
I don't think they're cops, though, necessarily. They're COs. Somebody's got a car. Yeah, a CO's not going to be like, they're working. Ah, yeah, let's leave the inmates to themselves. I'll be right back. That's a big ploy for a jailbreak.
That was for medical purposes only. Does this look hard to you? He said you were a doctor. Is this blue chew working yet? I'm hitting it with a blowtorch trying to get it out.
All right, let's see. This one's from 357onpump4. I freestyle rap to a cop and got out of a public intoxication charge one time. Man. That's like the comics. Heard that before. Tell me a joke and I'll let you out. Yeah. That happened to Colin Quinn, remember? Yeah. But it didn't work. Didn't work. Yeah. Got three to five. Yeah, that's tough.
I've only ever told a cop I was a comic once, and I was not a comic at the time by comic definition. And he was a stripper. Cops wore more clothes than this.
Shout out to Chris Cotton. Rest in peace, big dog.
Next thing you know, we were on our way. You guys are doing a fucking two-man act. Doing Pryor and Wilder. See no evil, hear no evil. The only time I were... The only time I ever dropped it is I flicked a cig out of the car. I'm sure I've mentioned that. I flicked a cig out of the car going into the Lincoln Tunnel. We got pulled over. And I was coming to a bringer show at New York Comedy Club.
Look at you. Before it was owned by the Caribbean. This was like the old... Old guard. It was me and John Nunn. Johnny Nunn. Our good pal John Nunn coming up to do a college showcase for a booker. For a booker who books colleges.
You know what I wanted to ask you two bozos?
It did not work out that well. I did all right. You know, did a couple, two, three good bits. There's about 15 people in the audience. Any industry? Yeah, there was a woman who worked at like something.
yeah exactly she got back to yeah i mean no actual industry uh i mean johnny netflix wasn't there uh but we got pulled over and he's like ah he's like what are you doing i was like oh we're going to a comedy show and he's like who you seen and i'm like where to show who you see kevin ryan and john nunn it's a booking showcase It's an industry showcase. Oh, we're comics.
He said, what do you... No, well, he goes, you're not... He took my license and he goes, Pennsylvania? What the hell are you doing all the way up here?
Of course. Yeah. And then he said, what are you doing? I said, we're going to a comedy show. And he's like, oh, who are you seeing? I said, we are. We're in a show. And he was like, all right, let me just make sure you don't have any warrants, both of you. And I don't know if you've ever seen a picture of John Nunn. He looks like a bouncer for the Hells Angels.
And they fucking, I was like, hey, man, is this good? Are you clean? And he's like, we are going to find out very soon. And I was like, fuck, dude. That's how you spice up my life. It was a Wednesday night. All for flicking a heater out this window. I'm like, what am I going to do with it? You know what I mean?
But, yeah, would you tell a joke if he was like, you know, tell me a joke and I'll let you go? What would the go-to joke be? I'm more of a story-based comedian. So there I am.
A couple of the boys out in Queens. Cavity search. You.
Yeah, but you can't be like, I know some guy in Queens likes me. It's either this or the clink. What are you doing? Where are you coming from? All right, let's say you're walking home, you know, whatever. Mm-hmm. You get... They're looking for another guy who's more. It's something fat guy. Some fat guy thing. They're looking for another. I hit him with the big and tall. All right, so here we go.
So I go, oh, you're walking home from a show. It's like 2 in the morning. You fit the description. I do? Yeah. All right. And there are 400-pound guys running around stealing people's sandwiches. Somebody just knocked over a Sbarro's. Didn't touch the cash. Only the garlic knots. They're not open that late. Okay. Right. Hey, where are you coming from? I'm coming from Comedy Cellar.
I was like, I ain't going to cut it. What do you mean? You told me don't give you, first of all, if you want to pop the bubble, big man got his gift. I did? Yeah. What'd I get? You fucking flew there first class. Oh, fair enough. You flew there. I thought you meant the G.I. Joe's. You flew there. First of all, yeah, this holiday season you gave me a shitty DVD or a shitty CD player.
I was doing some spots down there. I thought you said I wouldn't tell them I'm a comic. I wouldn't tell them I'm a comic. And then immediately, I'm repped by William Morrison Endeavor. Have you ever heard of him? You know, Kevin. Here's my YouTube page. Sarah, where are you coming from? Work. What do you do? I'm a comedian. Where at? Comedy cellar. You do a lot of fat guy stuff probably, huh?
I get booked there every couple of months. All right. Oh, Kyle, you think you're a funny guy, huh? What's with the aggression? I'm looking for a perp. All right. This guy struck before. He's going to do it again. Time is of the essence here. You got any snacks on you at the moment?
Be honest with me. Yeah. I got some high shoes. That's more of a vitamin. Those things are healthy for the most part. I wouldn't consider them a snack. All right. Yeah. Yeah. How long? You're all nervous. Sarah, calm down. It'll be all right. We can do this the hard way or the easy way.
I panic. You guys got a beta blocker on you? You hit me with a blood thinner.
Get me out of here.
She couldn't get cut or nothing.
She's going to bleed out. If I can put this bitch in a bubble, what do you want from me? What the hell is she doing at the barbecue? It's a paintball match. Kids are out here roughhousing. Okay. How long you been working a circuit? I still got you up against the wall. I'm just being, I'm not. I'm up against the wall like that? Yeah, well. Sarah, put your pants back on. Sorry. I got confused.
How long have you been working the circuit? I don't believe you right now. You could be lying to me. They don't work circuits anymore. This is in Vaudeville. You're in a company with Officer Gippy? That's crazy, dude. That's nuts. I've been a comic 15 years. Yeah? Yeah. I've never heard of you.
Officer dickhead. We're going to need a couple more sets of cuffs down here. I'm definitely at least two cuffs. You're a three banger if I ever heard of it. Yeah, but 15 years. Okay, nice. Yeah, working the circuits. Yeah. What time was your spot?
More the graveyard shift kind of guy. I'm a little dirty. They booked me late. The early crowds don't care for me. Talk about my butt.
Yeah. How'd it go? Not great.
Be honest with me.
That was a quick jump. Yeah, you're a funny man, huh? Yeah, that's right. Why don't you tell me a joke? Hey, Gary, get over here. This fat one thinks he's funny. You're calling a guy over now? Yeah, you need backup. Yeah. Where are you from? Queens. I don't know. I've never been there.
I thought you liked Cypress Hill.
Queen still, huh?
You guys grow up together?
Got me. Can I do it again if I had the chance? Crack.
And a lot of people said that Craig is not taking hits from the mic. Have you used that yet, by the way? What, the Craig? At the gym? Yeah, I killed a spider in my room with it. He's a big, big one. Last thing you said was, is that a Craig? Not the Craig! Thing's about eight pounds. Anyway. What? What I pull in? Wait, are you really upset? You can't publicly get upset. I am not upset at all.
Well, one over there. I started derogating the bit.
What do you mean? I mean, I'm not his setup, man. You got to introduce me or something. Ladies and gentlemen, 5'11", 418 pounds. He's on the radio. Here's a dispatcher like, that ain't funny. We got a 7'18", and I ain't talking about his weight. 718 in progress. Back eye bombing. Weak setup.
All right. So that would be your go-to bit.
That's the rest of it. That's your setup at best. So much special. I'd probably just do a street joke. Because a narrative joke doesn't work like that.
I'm sweating. God damn. Well, you got me dead to rights. Sure. Oh, so funny. Can I go now? I forgot you were still here.
Let me off with a warning. I'd be a big warning guy.
Well, this one's from Long Shlong Silver. Great name. Ever made yourself cry while getting pulled over so the cops would feel bad and just let you go? Yeah, me either. Two cops pulled me over, so I put on a show for them both. They laughed at me when they thought I couldn't see them. Didn't get a ticket, though. That's pretty good. I'll give you that. You know. Hey, man.
That's a talent to cry on cue like that. Uh-huh. Hard. Yeah. Hard. I got to think about it at a funeral, too. I got to really start, you know. Show emotion. Show emotion. A robot engaged. That's pretty good. Mm-hmm. Damn, that's funny.
They got to go buy the book. I think they can. No, I think it's up to their, you know.
Hot. Hot.
Yeah. What are you talking about, dude? She was real. She was real charming. You can tell he liked her. That's what makes it nice for you. I really like that.
They make a cute couple. This one's from Doggy Dingleberry. He's worked at a subway in high school. I had a local boy in blue as a regular. Shout out to that boy in blue. Yeah, it's great. Always got the same thing. When I'd see his car pull up, I had his sandwich ready when he walked in. He then pulled me over for speeding once. Get out of here. I told him his subway order and he let me slide.
That's what makes the world go round. Shout out. If that is a relationship I want to... To represent the country, it's that.
Hey, buddy, I'm your sandwich guy. I take care of you. You take care of me.
Sure. This is another. This is from... Eric or Rock, nothing better than a cop that gets it. I was pre-gaming in a restaurant parking lot with some friends. First of all. A cop that gets it. Shout out to that. Yeah. Pre-gaming for a restaurant with your boys in the parking lot. Okay. That's a level.
I appreciate everything you did. I also thought we were going to be able to write that off. I think I got to eat a lot of that. Damn. Tough break, buddy. So you got your gift. Everybody out there saying I didn't get him a gift. Big man got his gift. There was a layover involved.
Yeah, that's, I mean, if that's not a, shout out to you, that's a dirtbag thing. I was pre-gaming in a restaurant parking lot with some friends and a cop rolled up and said, I'm going to be back in a few. Just make sure those are gone by the time I get back. That's a gentleman. Yeah. Listen, I ain't going to jam you up. Finish the beers and let's get out of here.
Let's not cause a scene. I like that. That I respect. Don't go in there and fucking embarrass me. Sure. Don't make me do my job here. You know what I mean? I like that. We had that one time. We got pulled over quite late in West Philadelphia. The hell were you doing down there? Don't ask. Don't ask what we were doing in West Philadelphia.
I was born and raised on the playgrounds where I spent most of my days. That's a lie. We're actually at Mar Bar. It was $5 cover, 50 cent drinks. Late at night? After hours? What not. That was Mar Bar. It was at Marathon Grill. Above that was a bar called Marathon Bar, Mar Bar.
The one on like, it would be like 39th or something. Nah, nah. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. Because we tried, Cotton and I tried to do a show there. Mar Bar. Yeah. Before I worked, I worked for Marathon Grill. Yeah. Down in Jefferson. I think Wednesdays, Wednesday nights, that's how you know you're a bad student.
You're going to 50 cent mixed drinks on Wednesday night, fucking 30 minutes from your college campus. 50 cent drinks? 50 cent. Maybe it was even quarter. Yeah, it was 50 cent drinks. Man, that's crazy. So I never had that much cash, so my boys would pay my cover. They'd be like, I can get you in. I had enough. I had seven, eight bucks. I could maneuver in there. You're fucked up.
You know what I mean? Yeah. 50 cent drinks. 50 cent mixed drinks.
I believe that's maybe a dollar. No. That's crazy. It was under. That's awesome. Yeah. And we were leaving there. I wasn't driving, but there was like 10 of us in a car. Broads, everybody. We're like piled in there. That's on Drexel and Penn's campus, and we were coming from Temple, the other side of the track. Bad news. So we were in my buddy's two-door Grand Dam, about like seven or eight of us.
I've said that many times in a podcast. I love you and don't worry about it. Yeah, but saying don't worry about it means I'm coming from a place of. Now, a couple of them cousins out there. What'd you make? Hold on. This is very interesting. Not enough to pay for the coffin. That's what I made. Because this is a show where we talk about what.
Like Broads' legs sticking out the window. It was... Shout out to Eddie Spaghetti. You know him. I know Eddie Spaghetti. So Spaghetti... We get, whoop, whoop, we get lit up. Eddie drove a Grand Am? I don't think it was his. I mean, it wasn't stolen, but it was never in his name. Gotcha. I think it might have been, like, his sister's, but she was at somebody's. It was a car. Was it white? Red.
Grand Dams were hot for a minute. Yeah. That was the first car I wanted. They came back when I was about to turn 16. I was like, I printed out a picture. I'm like, this is what I want.
Not around, I think.
They might have the Vibe or something, but I think we might have looked this up.
That Grand Dam and Grand Prix, when they re-released those, they were good-looking fucking coupes.
We get pulled over, and the cop's like, I mean, I think all of us were. Yeah, we were all underage. We were all sophomores. Sweating now, aren't you? Oh, man, thinking about it. Hotter than these lights. And he was just like, the hell are you doing over here? Where are you coming from? And luckily, I think Eddie was pretty straight and narrow at the time. You know what I mean?
It wasn't like a... He was a designated driver. And I'm the only one with a little bit of fucking wits about me. You got 38 drinks in you. Officer, I'll take it from here. Guys, I'm on the job. You start arresting everybody. Let me see your ID.
Start telling him a joke. He was like, listen, he's like, our shift's over. He's like, I got your name. I got your registry. I got everything. Our shift's over at 6 a.m. This car better be here when we get back. We're going to check at the end of our shift at 6 a.m. or 7 a.m. or whatever. This car's gone. He left the car and took the... He's like, go home. Leave the car here. Go home.
If we come back and this car's gone tonight, you're all... I'm putting papers on all your asses. Wow.
We ask intimate details about people's wedding, what they give, what they made, this, all that, all. What did you.
Just kind of, like, tagged us a little bit. Yeah, just check you. Scared the shit out of me. Let him know you don't sell a fucking nickel bag in that neighborhood without him getting wet in his beat. He needs to know the players. John C. Reilly and gangs in New York. Yeah. All right. This one's from Gooch McGillicuddy.
You ever get pulled over while having a heater and have to put it out in your change cup? I've always thought about that. If you are smoking and you do get pulled, I've never been pulled over while smoking. It's got to be, do you mind putting that out? That's major disrespect. Yeah, but then where do you put it? You can't, that's littering. I field strip it. Field strip?
That's still technically... Nah, everybody's cool with that.
make i lightly mentioned on the patreon some of the family came true you know a couple of nice ones a couple of checks uh the four digits the five digits what's that one thousands or ten thousand ten thousand what do you think i'm rolling with i don't know there's 200 people there dude i tried to invite schultz but he was taking a plane out that day
You just push the cherry off it.
Days? Yeah. Tobacco? It's a leaf and paper. It's all dipped in fucking chemicals, you both. Oh, come on. Now we're worried about the water supply? I don't know. You brought it up. The fucking cops behind me, dickhead. Jammed up here.
You can't talk to a cop. I understand, but then where do you, I guess I go, buddy, where do I, can I stomp this? And where, what do I, what do you want me to eat it? What do you want me to do here? You guys got an ashtray? It feels like a setup, if I'm being honest with you. Entrapment. Tell me to put it out. I put it out. You know, you arrest me.
I remember the first time I saw a cop smoking. My mind was in a Wawa parking lot. I said, what the hell is that all about? Was he in the car? In the car. Really? Cranking one. This is early 90s. I remember being like, he's a criminal. In my head, I was like, in my head, cops didn't smoke because smoking was in my very good versus evil brain. Sure. Sure. My dad smokes. Cops don't smoke.
You know what I mean? It was very much that. Criminal smoke. Criminal smoke. Cops don't smoke. That's what I just said. Yeah. That's why somebody got somebody smoking. Yeah, but I feel like cops are pulling so many people over that it's like, you know, and they're... Unfortunately, I'm sure people of the lower ilk are getting pulled over more than the guy in the Mercedes.
The banker in the Mercedes isn't getting pulled over as much as the guy in the fucking... He's not smoking. If he has a cigar or something, you know, it's got a French extender on it. But, you know... Evening, gentlemen. Otherwise, you're in like a 98 Grand Am and you're fucking... You got your headlights out, the inspection's done. It's like, you know... That'll always get you.
That guy's catching a heater. Yeah. For sure.
Got to be careful.
The sticker. Yeah. I think they still do, no?
It's just the one on the windshield. Oh, in New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do a couple more here. This one's from Dickalob Ultra. First time, long time. In my early 20s, I was on supervised probation and had to get hair follicle drug tests. That ain't white collar crime. Fuck that. My hair was too short a few times, so they had to take my armpit hair and it never grew back. That's weird.
Dude, that's... You are a drug addict. I would have shaved my head. If people are pulling your fucking armpit hair out to test you. Man. Go for the pubes. Yikes. Like a seal down here. Try and get me. That was always the big thing in... you know, is the hair follicles. It stays in your, you know, whatever. I mean, my boys would try to, they had every freaking thing you could do to beat.
Suave ain't going to take that out either. A parole office or probation. Every one of my boys was on probation. They said that with acid.
I was always, acid was never in your house, and you had to get a spinal tap to check acid, because everybody would do hallucinogens on probation, because you couldn't test for them. Didn't show up, and they were testing for perks, barbiturates, frigging, you know, a little reefer. Barbiturates, that's a throwback. My mom hit me with that not too long ago. I think he was doing barbiturates.
What are you, in the Wolf of Wall Street, lady? What are you talking about, barbiturates? It's called Xanny Bar. It's called Tombstones. You're going to get a shot out here. You sound like you're talking all fucking clinical and shit. That's a goddamn street, studs. Are you a doctor? Just give me the money. Oh, God.
When I was 10 years old, I cut off my neighbor's ankle monitor so he could make a run for it. He was caught less than an hour later. Dude, imagine soliciting a 10-year-old to cut off your ankle monitor so you could make a run. You're never going to get away. Yeah, you're going to get caught. Yeah, they get pissed about that shit, too. Those things are expensive. Sure. That's always nuts to me.
That's Law and Order reruns or something.
Sure. Coming over, hanging out. Leave them with a bag. You know what I mean? That's pretty funny. Jesus Christ. This one's for Misty Longhair. $10 felon. Yikes. This guy submitted a lot. This guy's been in the clink here. Okay. As a garbage during my opioid addiction, I started robbing small stores, Dunkin's, Carvel's, etc. With a note, no weapon or violence to get my fix for the day.
I was on the news and didn't know it. They called me the ice cream bandit and the clip is filled with puns. Cops could use a few scoops on this one. It's going to end with a rocky road when he gets caught. I did six years. I've been clean 15, home 10. Shout out to you, Big Boss.
That's fucking great. The Ice Cream Bandit. The Ice Cream Bandit strikes again. That's pretty good. That's a pretty good. Listen, I obviously don't recommend robbing anybody. But that's a pretty, that niche, Dunkin' Donuts, and Carvel ain't expected to get knocked over, you know what I mean? They ain't got backup. They don't have protocol.
Sure. Which is dangerous. I don't know how to get into Navy Federal. I'm sure it's small bills with that crew you were rolling with. That is a small bill crew if I've ever seen one.
They go, just give them the fucking money and get them the fuck out of here. It ain't like walking into fucking Savings and Trust and trying to get them to open the vault.
Yeah, you just get some teenage girl or whatever who's like, here's the $112 in the cash register. This guy gets his fix for today. Damn. Happy to hear you're doing well, bud. 100%, buddy. That's fantastic. Yeah, that's wild. Ice cream bandit. Yeah, okay. This one's from Kristen PSB. My mom told me I wasn't allowed to see my grandpa for three years because he spanked me for picking my nose.
Turned out he was actually in lockup for trying to rob a bank. Respect to the mom for keeping the dad's name clear. I know, but it's just for spanking you.
I mean, in college, trying to rob a bank. What grandfather's going back to college and live it on campus, going out of state for college. Hey, never stop learning. Oh, man. All right, this one's just funny, and then we got to wrap it up. This is from Durango. I once got a ticket in the driver's education car. That's a tough look, dude. You're splitting that with the fucking instructor. I know.
He's got his steering wheel on a brake. Why are you letting me fucking break the law? That's fucked up. You pull somebody over for that. That's a warning. That's a J.O. cop right there. Obviously, you don't know what he's doing. He's trying to figure it out. He's learning. Let him go. Talk about cutting your legs out for a month. Pulls them out. Fucking Frisco search. Oh, God. All right.
We got to wrap it up. Gang, we love you to death. Uh-huh. We'll see you next week.
No, very appreciative. Yeah. Don't tell me who. What was the biggest one amount gift you got?
Okay. Because she said she's sick of me blowing it. I know. They talk about a guy who did K-Hole, I think, back-to-back. What are you in a K-hole? Which is rude. What's going on? That's a deep K-hole she was in. She likes to party. The amount of messages I got to hit up with the big man's repeating bits. Oh, I know. I got a heart condition.
1385. No, I think maybe nine. Nine something. Okay. Yeah. Any checks in there? Yeah, I told you. A lot of checks. A couple checks. They all bounce? What's happening? No. Tommy C. took care of me real nice. What did Tommy give you? You don't want to know. Five? Yeah. Okay. Five hundy. It's not bad for a guy. That's what I gave him, though.
It's probably the same check. Just returned it. Return to sender. I ripped it up in my face. Uh-huh. Yeah, no. All right. Well, that's good. So what I wanted to ask is, was now that I got- Can I borrow 140 grand?
What? Nobody uses cash anymore. Who, my Gary Greenspan? Wasn't he the head of the Fed for a while or something? Alan Greenspan. Whatever. His brother? I don't know. Is cash going to come back? Be cool. More at 10. What the fuck? I would like cash. Cash feels good. You can make cash come back. You got to carry cash, though. You got to carry the cash.
Why'd you say that like you were in the mob? I had to buy a couple presents for some people. Those kids. Buying them Barbies. I had to shut some people up. Pay some people. Couple judges. Uh-huh. Keep them in line. Okay. I don't know. I like having cash for the tips. How much cash you got on you right now? Got some spot pay, I believe, from this weekend. Wearing the same jeans. No big deal.
I got $150. Wow. Yeah. Look at you. Two spots over there at the old comedy cellar. What about you, Litecoin? What do you got on you? Nothing. Yeah, never. It's kids all day.
That kind of stuff. We didn't talk about this. I bought my lady a gift while we were in Hawaii. You did. That's right. Uh-huh. Lingerie. Tasteful. By the way, you got good taste. Wait, what? You've seen it? me what i'm wearing it i'm hanging brain from the bottom of a teddy hey the missus isn't a double xl i don't know what you're doing with this something bigger in the butt if you got it Yeah.
A lot of high-end shopping out there. A lot of high-end shopping over there in Waikiki. So I popped into one of the stores. You did. Where's a guy like you go? Target, Walmart? We went to Target first, me and our associate Ryan D. Wait, you were going to buy her a gift at Target? No, I had to buy our Pollyanna a gift. I had to buy a gift under 50 bucks for my family. You brought a gift back?
Oh, yeah, I don't know if you remember, I landed midday on fucking Christmas Eve. It was either that or they were getting something from Hubs and News, okay? New Daniel Steele novel? Hey, that John Grisham ain't too shabby. That and a bag of Jolly Ranchers. Yeah, I was jammed up. I was behind the eight ball.
We recorded every day until we got into here, until we left, and then I didn't have time to do shopping.
So I went to one of those fancy designer stores for my wife. Man, I went in with Ryan D. First of all, I was in a wet bathing suit. You have a pair of pants. You got something at 38. I'm chafing. Ah, yeah, we like walked in with like ice cream and like coffee. I was in a wet bathing suit.
And they don't let anybody in there. Nah, the door was locked. And I'm like, my money's good. The door was locked? Yeah, yeah. You guys open? You got a shitter in here? I'm just not cut out for those nice stores. Can you say where it was? He saw Laurent? Hermes? He saw Laurent. Is it Hermes?
Hermes. I only knew it as YSL from that Fat Joe song where he rapped about it, or Lil Wayne did. Who? YSL. Yeah. I didn't eat salt at all. You know, I don't like all that stuff, but I do like the stories about those guys.
Man, I was a nervous Nelly in there. Thank God that card, that credit card went through. I almost had to put it on the company card. That thing was taking a long time. That signal was taking a long time to get to New York back to Honolulu. That ice cream was on that purse when I looked at it. Those sprinkles aren't mine. Oh, man. There you go. You got her something nice?
Yeah, I got her something nice. She returned it. Got something else. Is that right? Different color. Yeah. What'd you get her, a backpack? I just got her the bag. He's got one of those cardboard bags I can give this bro. No, so I go in and I'm like, what do you got? And I look at something, they're like, this is like $2,800. I said, what do you got in the clearance section?
What do you got with a scratch on it? You got any floor models? There ain't no clearance rack in those dumps either. No, there's not. Gotta go to Canal Street, get you straightened out. I know. I don't know. So I got out of there pretty good, pretty good deal from what I was seeing online and everything. But, man, they treat you nice in there. They really do. And our friend was taking care.
I'm a guy who's like, I want to be invisible in here. Where's the cheapest thing? Can I swing it? All right. You know, bada bing, bada boom. He's in there like, yeah, I'll do a double shot of espresso. Ordering shit? Well, they asked, what do you want? Yeah, you don't know if you got to pay for that or not. Also, they took our coffees at the door. Took your coffee? Oh.
Yeah, you can't be walking around. But they'll offer you like, you know, whatever you want or whatever.
Whoa. It was half scotch. It was right on them. Hey, don't take a sip of that after lunch. You know what I mean? Yeah. Really? Did they have them for you when you left? No, I think they trashed them. Yeah. Dirt Bowl.
Dude, I was in there. Proper, we left the beach. I was in there in sandy feet, a wet bathing suit, a towel from the resort. It was bad. And a Target bag. You bought her a Ferrari keychain. Porsche driving gloves. I just don't belong in them places. No, you don't. And she doesn't. That was the biggest gift I ever bought. It also wasn't that expensive. And I buy her one gift a year.
That was it for the most part. She's done. And it was like their casual line. Yeah, it was not there. It wasn't their high end line. Because, first of all, I'm walking by with Luke like a few days before.
I don't know what this riff is. Am I buying Jimmy John's? Yeah, he's buying a little piece of it. Because somebody just bought Jersey Mike's. Oh, I didn't know that. Would you read that in Sandwich Quarterly? Some businessman you are. Kevin Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Shout out to the homies. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.
Yeah. He's like, I was like, ah, maybe something like that. Because she had her purse broke. I was like, oh, maybe I'll, like, that'll, you know, she needs a new black purse. I was like, how about that? And Luke goes, everyone has that one. I was like, yeah, dude. Not in the circles I run in. Yeah.
We do run. I remember when coach bags were hot.
No, Coach was big.
Autobahn's Highway. Yeah. Well, if your mom's making a big deal about it, I don't think it's at the... This was in the 80s. Oh, okay. Yeah. I can't remember. Aeropestal. No. American Eagle. No. Hollister. No. It had like Autobahn or auto something or. Auto asphyxiation. That's it. Freak. You got anything? They did makeup too. Maybe Chanel. No. Claiborne. No. Claiborne was nice though.
It was designer? I think so. Yeah.
They were living in the Poconos at the time. It was whatever they got at the Salvation Army. All right. Tough guy? Sure. You're no Hermes guy. Hermes. Got a bad case of the Hermes. Yikes. Need antibiotic equipment for that. I also don't – that was like a big step for me because I don't have the confidence to walk into those places. And you shouldn't. Rightfully so.
We should put your Sunday best on when you walk in. But he, our boy Ryan, really helped me. He looks worse than you. What are you talking about? I know, but he's going, you got money. You can fucking go in there. Own it. You're better than these bums. They're working here. They can't afford to shop there, which I barely could either. I was on the fence. You guys got after pay here?
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That was not a nice hotel. Just deviled eggs in general. You know they were getting made. The whole refrigerator.
I love a deviled egg. I'd eat the whole tray. Man, in the hotel? There's a guy that makes full meals in a hotel room.
Man, that's a tough look.
No, it just said vacation. So you get the mayonnaise, you get the paprika.
I don't know. What are you mixing that in? The ice bucket?
Dude, that's like holding that thing from the rock with all the viruses in it. I get vaporized. Let me out, let me out. Spraying you down. My skin's boiling. Hey, you make deviled eggs. You slice them. You take the yolks out. You put them in a mixing bowl. You add mayonnaise, a little Dijon mustard, maybe a little bit of Worcestershire sauce. Whip that up and put it back in.
Whip that up and you put it back in. Yeah. That just gave me an idea. Oh, God. Here we go. Because my cousin does deconstructed cannolis at Christmas. You know what I'm talking about? It'll be a cannoli dip with the chips, and you go to town. I bet you do, big guy. What if you had some type of deconstructed deviled egg where you had the deviled egg mixture in a bowl, and then you dipped it?
The whip is. I'm saying the whip is, the egg's not. I don't know how you'd incorporate that. Maybe if you fry them, if you fried the eggs. I know, we're just talking crazy. Are we? I think so.
Because they do have fried deviled eggs. I've seen them before. I'm not saying they don't. Or like a Scottish egg. You ever have a Scottish egg? You've had that with Scottish egg. I don't think so. Oh, they're great. They're great. It's a hard-boiled egg wrapped in sausage, breaded, and then deep-fried. Whoa. We're talking eggs. Oh, I'm sorry. Sure. Taco meat.
I used to work with a Romanian guy that we would take turns... We're on the docks? What are you talking about? We're going to Romania. Martel's Grill on 50th and 2nd. Shout out to it. It was me and him.
We used to beef all the time because I was usually hungover and fucked up, and I was the day bartender, and he was the waiter, and I would always get pissed when he would go back behind the bar and make his own drinks. We almost went to blows one time. I could see you not liking that.
But we used to take turns making breakfast in the back doing eggs. And, like, I would just do regular eggs. He'd come hit me with the fucking, with the Ukraine plate. Fucking, it would be loaded with garlic and beets and shit like that. Chicken head looking at you. No, thank you. Gagging. I didn't know. You ever have eggs with garlic and ketchup on it? Dudes. Oh, man.
I'll be in the can for a couple of minutes.
Their breakfast is wild.
I'll tell you that. This kid better have a good right hand on him. I'll tell you that right now. Public school down the line.
Got no class. Hi, dude. They're great. Yeah. You should be doing them now. I teach you how to do them. It's easy. Get a pot going, a little boiling water.
That damn egg just nutted my mouth. Now clean yourself up and get out of here. I'm butting in my pants.
Really?
No kidding. I mean, like. That's sad. I love going to breakfast with Patty. That's where we get our chopping it up done.
Yeah?
Obviously, you never went out together as a family. That was ruined.
That's where you would have done it. What?
Yeah. If the family would have stayed together, you guys would have all went out together. But breakfast is kind of a dad thing when I think about it. My mom's not taking me to the suburban diner.
Yeah.
It was always a big culture shock eating with your father alone, and you would see how he really ate. Like, you ever see a grown man eat sunny side eggs for the first time? I don't know. I thought he was eating alien eyeballs.
I don't know if my dad ever did. You might have French toast sticks.
Like a broad in Vegas, huh? Jesus. Every time the kid goes to the bathroom, he wants to play the tables a little bit. I feel like a fucking ATM machine. Gang, this is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. Just the way we like it. We can't thank you enough for tuning in. Kippy, how the hell are you, kid? I'm doing pretty good. Are you? You don't seem it. Okay.
It's like being roommates with an Italian. Oh, man. Get out of here with that cologne. Fucking hated that.
See, I respect that. There's no need for all this fighting. It didn't work out. Not at the happiest place on earth. Let's be friends and walk away. Sure.
No kidding. He didn't go. You had Mickey ears on going to the plane? I was like, maybe four.
Did they tell you leading up to that, hey, we're going to be going to Disney World in a couple of weeks or whatever? I'm sure. I mean, I was like a child. Usually what the parents do is they don't say shit. And then you wake up that day. I've seen videos of that. My parents never did. I never went to Disney World. I took you to Disney World. You did take me to Disney World.
I knew about it, though.
You should have. That would have been great if you surprised me. If I would have came into the studio one day, hey, big guy, we packed your bags. We're going down to Disney World. You still would have found some way that this is stupid.
I loved it. It was my best trip ever. I love Disney. You said thank you. That's crazy. I don't know. I blew you in the car, didn't I? My thank you.
Most of the time.
Most of the times, you really can't, like, theoretically, you can't afford it, but you're making it work.
And that's stressful.
You seemed a little tense today when I came in. No, not at all. With your old pal, Uncle Hank.
And they get down there and one thing goes wrong.
20?
Yeah. The fuck are you going to get at Legoland for 20 bucks?
Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Because I love you.
Barbosa's a young kid. He's got good looking kids. He's got cool cars.
You're old and ugly. Touche. You don't know what a poached egg is.
$1,200 for a grill? No, but listen, we bring this up a lot. This is going back a couple of weeks. But I've seen the clip that we had with Segura. I think I should get some veneers, man. My mouth is fucked up.
We do four episodes a week. Get me some, I get some grill. Listen, you're a dentist out there. You want to throw some grills on, or throw some veneers on clients?
You're going to have diesel bringing you. If you're in the plastic surgeon dentist field. What?
Per two? Yeah. You'd let me do a couple free shout-outs if somebody hooked me up, right?
You borrow my teeth sometimes.
To be quite honest with you. You start calling me an asshole. Psychological warfare. I beat you down. I feel like you need me. Then you're vulnerable. That's right.
You mean take all my teeth out?
Take all my teeth out? There's not that many left.
I'm not doing that. It messes up your facial features. What do you mean? Getting all your teeth taken out, drooping down.
This guy's an alien.
Don't fucking do it. I'm not saying get it cheap. If there's a quality plastic surgeon dentist out there that's willing to hook me up with some veneers, give you some free advertising, I'll be your spokesman. Something like that. We'll work out a deal.
Oral surgeon, I would assume.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about adult braces? Huh? Adult braces.
You need teeth for braces. Yeah, I need teeth. You can pull it all down. I need bigger teeth to come down below my fat lip. I'll just do the tops. I won't get the bottoms done. It's about 10 grand. I look like Freddie Mercury.
They won't want it to stink because I'll be promoting them. Yeah, with a lisp all of a sudden. What could all you love it?
No. If I go to a dental school, that's right. That's right. That used to be the big dirtbag thing, go to NYU Dental. Still is. I mean, used to be. It's like getting your hair cut at the fucking barber school. Yeah. What the fuck? Come out there looking like a goober. I get a haircut over there, veneers over here.
They led you into that with the champagne toast with that cider.
They started getting you into that.
I was allowed to do a nip of beer. The softball team was getting together.
Keep it up in the room. Nah, we were always allowed to have, you know, a little sip of something. If they were drunk enough, nice keg of Jenny Cream Ale, screaming cold. Fucking fill that up. Guy, take a little sip. They'd love it.
Wait, down ashore?
Put the paper towel in there to soak up the grease. Obviously. You did? Yeah. That is such a dirtball move. Well, you sit there and let it boil off. I'm hungry. I'm growing boys. You take a fucking spoon and you pull it out. Or you leave it in there like a gentleman. Whoever said that that was bad, by the way.
No, Rita's sells them.
It wasn't Rita's. Okay.
One of those would fuck you up.
Spiked Swedish fish?
KB, let's talk about Harry's. Shout out to Harry's. You want to hear a funny joke? What's that? You know some of these bozo companies, they're charging you for razors? Not Harry's. Nope. Harry's is what we call no jokes, especially when it comes to prices. They send you the best quality razors right to your door for a fraction of the price of the big brands.
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The filter on those looked different. It looked like Vietnam camouflage. It just had, there was something different about them.
Freaked you out. Which I wonder, what are all those specs? Why are they specced?
The filter. Why is the filter specced?
Look at how bad heaters were at, like, the turn of the century.
Get a hit of that. You can Bogart that all night, old man. Make with the antifreeze, will you?
Trying to wet my whistle here.
It don't stop, dude. Say there's like 8 million cows in one hamburger.
Gross.
Uh-uh.
You think?
Nah.
Fuck!
I don't even know that would work.
Lighten a joint with one, I could see. Got to be careful. Yeah.
Oh, ruin it. I love that. Also, the cigarette lighter.
No, no, the cigarette lighter in the car.
That would rip the half the cigarette off if you didn't do that right.
That's like a steel pan. You got to get it real hot, otherwise the eggs will stick.
Remember when the guy that was a dick about the lighter? Give me that back. People steal them.
Yeah, I know, but still, sometimes people are too like, all right, get the fuck in. Don't give a shit about your lighter.
But the guy that's too overprotective about it or the guy that like would always bitch about how much smokes cost. It's like, shut the fuck up, you dork.
Just saying.
I'll buy you a lighter.
It's all a thing of the past now. Or is it? Next, 2026, the Sig Tour. Back on the heaters?
Back on the heaters tour. Okay.
We're on the back of Sports Illustrated on some catamaran.
I mean, that could happen in half a drink. Yeah. Stumble across a bag or something. I'm back on.
Billboard and Times Square.
You're the Marlboro man. How sweet would that be? Can't get on the horse. Just walking next to it. It's crippled.
Wow. Shit. I'd do a lot for a hundred grand. I'd start doing it.
Ch-ch.
Whoops, that's my guy.
Did you take it on the job? Whoa. That's crazy. I wonder how old he was.
Cheddar cheese.
That means he's an older guy, and this guy's a grown man.
The old man's still doing it, huh? Holy shit. I wonder if he's married, if that's to the wife.
Talking about the president. He put that thing in there.
It's got to be. Oh, man. How you doing? Oh, that's good. You ever see any racy photos of your parents? Photos? There's one of my old man that was in the cabinet above our refrigerator from his chief initiation. It was like a big thing. When he became chief, I don't know what the circumstances are in the Navy with it. He had his pants down. This was at like a... It's like an initiation like...
This was at like a party. This was at like a function where they had like the big party for him when he became chief and he had like his thing on and his pants were down and his ass was sticking out and he had like a blindfold on his hands up in the air and like everybody's laughing like my mom's like doing this. It was so confusing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. But it was the whole, like, month or week or whatever, they fuck with him.
Why he was, like, getting ready for it.
I've never seen his rod, though.
My dad also never referred to it as his cock. Yeah. That's rough. Hearing your dad say cock.
Avery the old high hard one, huh?
I need my chicken tendies over here. Never anything sexual.
In shape, good looking, dude. Nice jeans. I seen them.
She gets a stash going.
Taking tail from you.
Bless us, oh Lord, in these days.
Wait, what do you mean you'll get them in the store?
That's right. I keep forgetting about this. Craig Burke talks about this.
See, I respect this move, and this goes back to Abe's Hot Dogs. I know it's only two hours, and Florida's a little bit different.
Throw it in your fucking carry-on. You're going to be home in a couple hours. It ain't that far. Okay. We were always big on if somebody went up to Wilkes-Barre and they were coming home, you bring home a thing of Abe's hot dogs.
Chicken salad, too. I respect that. No, chicken finger, I think. Oh. Chicken finger.
I'm a chicken salad man, so. That travels worse to me. Of course it would. I understand that.
I do like it a little groovy.
Because if we get bagels or something like that, and I'll get a chicken salad bagel, I'll let that sit out for like a couple hours and then have it. Yeah, because you're disgusting.
We also do the same thing with Grotto Pizza. You know Grotto Pizza?
I think it started up in Wilkes-Barre, but they're down in Delaware now. They're big in Delaware. I could be. I know they're in Delaware. I know they're in Dewey Beach. Bring back a pie at that. Yeah, I don't know. I love that. They got one in the city. In New York? Yeah. A grotto pizza? No way.
Nah, it can't be the same. I would have got the newsletter. Be over there right now. I mean, what are we doing?
That's the cutout. The ashes I could get. I'd get behind the ashes.
You get some of my ashes. What? No, you don't want them? I got you, big dog. Yeah. You keep it around?
Don't go spreading it in fucking Central Park or something. Put you in a blunt.
No, you wouldn't keep me up on the mantle? That's the plot of How High. Great movie, by the way. You wouldn't keep me up on the mantle, a little cup of me? That's not what we're saying here. And bring me around. I'm not bringing you around. To shows and stuff. No. I want to hang out in the green room. Uh-uh. I don't want to miss any goss. Who we trashing?
Plug this in for me? Tell me what time it is. The cardboard cutout, is that sad?
That's pretty sick.
Diet soda in front of him.
Keep the burglars away.
Now I don't have a fucking will. What are you talking about? I'm getting one, though.
That's double what I get now. Holy shit. Ma, we're rich. Listen, I ain't going anywhere. Famous last words.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Hey. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that have to grow up to be classy. Yeah. But they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, Dave Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
It's Hootie and the Blowfish. Just ask me, dickhead. It's my playlist. I put my goddamn CD player in it. That technology is pretty impressive, though.
The guy that created that's sitting on a little bit of fucking dough. I'll tell you that.
Lots of friends. He actually did write the code, right? Like he wrote the code for Facebook. So he's not just like the Steve Jobs of it. He actually knew how to do this shit.
Really? It just comes with your phone.
Yes, it does.
I know. Then whoever... I just asked Siri. Oh. I thought that was the same thing. No, Shazam was an app. Oh, I don't know.
And then just put it in the phones.
There you go. Okay. That's pretty good. They had to sell that to them, that algorithm or whatever the fuck it is, that dude. That's a couple of bucks right there.
A little breakfast chili?
How you doing?
What? You said Pandora. I know. What's that got to do with anything?
I think you're losing it.
Yeah, I'm picking it up.
When I'm in the urn, you won't have to worry about this.
Have you ever done that? Obviously, it's left or whatever. No, but I like it. I'll be honest with you. I like it. I'm burping up like I just had a gordita.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah, he's waiting for you now.
No, he'd wait for you until you came down and fucking hurt on your face. That's my wife's problem.
Yeah, don't put me down there in the basement. Oh, that's where you're going. Come on. No. You want to run your mouth?
Put you down there in the basement. Just keep me in the kitchen. No way. By the spices.
What's that, cumin? Not exactly. All right. We got to wrap it up. What a fun one. Oh, yeah. Gang, we love you to death. Still some cards available. Grab a pack if you want. That's the third edition of the AYG 2025. Yes, sir. Are you garbage card game? Grab some takes for the shows. Going to sell out. Yep. We'll do the same speech every time. Grab some ticks. Come see the boys.
Check out that Route 66 store. You got anything else for us, Scrambled Eggs? Nah, that's it, baby. Taco Omelet. We love you, gang, and we'll see you next week. Peace.
Why isn't there a ground beef omelet? You know, why isn't there a burger omelet? You've had that? Sure.
Did you start that off? Did you finish that off with a little bit of lettuce, tomato, and some sour cream or something like that? Lettuce and tomato at breakfast?
Did you open up a gyro stand? I deport you. Zip it.
Did it have the orange grease on it, too? No, it didn't because I had dried out the grease. Wow. There you go. I've had that grease in there before. I think I did 85-15, too. Yeah, when I was a kid, I remember seeing that for the first time. My Aunt Mary's beef stew, I believe it was.
And the next day, or maybe it was her spaghetti, but when she would take that out of the fridge, it would have that layer of grease on it, and she would skim it off and toss it. Where you going with that grease? Make good with that Lord, Toots. All right, let's quit screwing around. Yeah.
Gang, as you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon, you can get your question read on the air by the taco king himself, Kevin Ryan. Breakfast tacos. I mean, you do breakfast burritos. They do. But that's bacon and sausage. You should typically have breakfast meat. Listen, I'm not pushing back on this by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not even saying it's trash, but that's delicious.
I think we should be putting ground beef in more stuff.
That's genius. Does that mean he's closing the deal automatically? They're going to the same place? Hey, you want to get the Uber back to my place? What if she's like, hey, I got to get up early. Then you're sitting at a bus stop and she's driving.
Woo!
Get in while the getting's good. My co-host is coming at you from across the table. He's what we call the CEO of Are You Garbage? He's an international businessman. Let me tell you this. He's got the boys on Wall Street nervous and the fat cats on Main Street singing his praises. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Still have the nerve to go home and try to make love to her? I think it was her birthday, too.
You're trying to pitch a threesome just so you get the cab fare home?
Hey, buddy, what do you say you knock him in his home? Come up to my place. What do you think of this broad ear, huh?
Have you ever forgotten your wallet?
Man, what kind of man are you? Still went home and tried to make love to her, too, I bet, didn't you?
These broads got cash on them. They do.
It was the same in high school, too, when a girl would tell you, oh, my God, I definitely failed that test. They never failed it. They got, like, an A. You know what I mean? I picture your dumb A. I failed, too, Cindy.
Friday night wedding.
Breakfast for dinner. Yeah. That's what we're having.
Could do probably some sausage gravy.
Some scrambies. Some sausage. Some catered scrambies, though.
What?
With the golf tees? That's brutal. Damn, that's a rough one. Do it a dry way. Listen. Alcoholism aside, all right? It's pretty cool. You're doing a dry wedding. That's not cool to do to people, man. You can't do that. Can't have a dry wedding. Make it less people.
Do a cash bar. You don't want to spend the money. Religious, what's religion got to do with anything? A lot of times it's dry bars.
Jesus drank. They were all fucked up.
Gotcha. That's like a McGriddle. It's their version of a McGriddle. That's all right. I cheers one of those things, huh? Damn.
I don't hate the breakfast or dinner. You know what would be nice is at the end of the wedding if you did something like that. Like at the go plate?
I wanted to do that, but I got nixed. Got shot down on that. What'd you want to do? I wanted to do like McDonald's or something like that for everybody on the way out the door. But breakfast. I wanted to do breakfast because it was late.
That's great. Get that now. Something's going on in here. Kip, let's talk about Pesty. Shout out to Pesty. Let's go, baby. Pesty is a do-it-yourself pest control that gives you the same products as the pros are using at a quarter of the cost. Their kits make it easy, and it only takes a few minutes to apply. Other pest control companies, they charge you over $800 per year.
Dan, you want to thank everybody for all the love and support on the Route 66 special. It is out now. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out.
Stay at the table, ride it out. Destination, Vegas, Elopin, 300 people.
Queens Catering Hall.
Kip, let's talk about Aura Frames. Oh, shout out to Aura Gang. Now, we talk about Aura Frames a lot on the show, but we love Aura Frames. Great. We genuinely do. And let me tell you something. You got Mother's Day around the corner. It's coming up. Mm-hmm. You want to get mom, grandma, something nice. Hell, even dad, the uncles, everybody. Get them in Aura Frame.
Digital frames sits right in the counter. You upload pictures. That way they get to keep up what's going on with Jimmy and Johnny and Tommy, how they're doing in Little League, the recital, all that kind of stuff.
They're like, oh my god, are you in the house?
Kip, what do you know about Elite Eye Restore Hair Growth? What do I know about it?
How you doing? Calling all you Q-Balls out there. What are you doing? Flying a turkey? What? You crazy? Get Eye Restore. Red Light Therapy. Have you grown hair in no time?
Do I know that couch? Is that the couch from the old house?
Took a trip to John's that's madder.
Johnny, you did come in really first day of school in it. You got the new boots on.
You can't do this to the kid. What are you, Max Cady?
Dude, one is impressive.
The house wakes up. Now, is that regardless of what time you go to bed, or are you keeping your nights pretty regimented when you're not on the road?
I think about you taking the power back a lot when we talk. When you talked about the social media, you were getting too into it. You pulled back from that a little bit. You got to get off that. I respect it. You got to have rules you live by. So when you're lining up your spots in the city, You're concentrating them on when you do them. And the rest of the week, you're living like a dad.
It's called depression. They don't know the value of an old weight bench in the garage.
Might as well be in Newburgh.
No, the one train. M25 right up that way?
As the king of the burbs, I know where this is going. This guy's grilling in the driveway.
Huh? You got a side door? No, we got a back door and front door.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Colin Quinney told us on the show. No, he's been rented for years.
Yes. I was at Days Inn, and it was the third floor. Fucking trash.
You see it. I'm like, which one is it? He's like, you see the lumen? And I'm like.
Not me. I'm staying in Astoria, Queens. Hell yeah. Can they drag me out of the apartment? That's what it is.
Is this just in the summer, or is that thing up there now?
Did you winterize it?
There ain't no fucking snow on the ground. I got to move it now.
Is there a half-used bag of rock salt next to it?
What a coffee mug in there. That's in the garage.
Yeah, I say shovel at the front door. Fuck them. It's not like an old one. It's a nice shovel.
They might say something different in the burbs. Okay.
It's good to know. So that's officially a trashy move? Yeah. My aunt and uncle built one and put an above-ground pool on the side of the house. Luckily, it collapsed like three weeks later.
My mom's, it's all deck. My whole backyard's all deck. It's an above-ground pool with a deck. It's an above-ground in-ground. That's what it is.
I don't know. Wait, they tax you for a pool? Oh, it's a permanent fixture? Oh, yeah.
But you will take the blame.
Now my insurance is going to go up. Ladies and gentlemen, sheath underwear. Woo! One of our absolute favorite sponsors, an OG sponsor of all comedy podcasts. Shout out to him. So if you're a comedy podcast fan, Sheath Underwear has been helping support comedy podcasts for years.
They got a fantastic product. All right. They were the first guys doing it. Nobody does it better than them. Give them a try.
If you don't love the underwear. I'll come to your ass and put them on my head. But you're going to love them.
Wait, you have a driveway that goes down?
Shout out to Factor, baby. We've been talking about Factor a lot. And you know why that is? Because they're fantastic. Because they're fantastic. Gang, if you're trying to lose weight, if you've got limited time during the week, spring's coming up, you've got a busy schedule, Factor is the answer. I'm telling you.
You take them out, you throw them in the microwave, two minutes, you've got hot and ready meals ready to go. They're fresh, never frozen. You can pick from keto. You can do this. You can do that. I'm telling you right now, the only problem is you're going to want to eat six of them.
That's very old school Queens, Brooklyn. Yeah.
Yeah. And I was like, oh. So your property taxes every year, you would have to pay $88,000. Here's the thing. Yeah.
Chrissy's got two roommates again.
Listen, while we have yous here, we wanted to ask some New York, both New York kids. Hardcore New York kids. Yes, sir. Brooklyn Queens. We had some New York etiquette questions that we wanted to run by you guys. If we could. Absolutely. I'll kick it off first. You're walking down the street with your lady. All right? Is she on the inside or is she on the outside?
That's a big difference. That's a side note. This is contention with us, with me and my wife. When you're walking into the restaurant, you have the reservation and stuff like that. Do you walk in first, or do you open the door for her and let her in? And what do they prefer? Is this a thing?
Because my girl doesn't like to walk in first, but I look like an asshole opening the door and walking in with her behind me. I agree with you. You got to let her open the door. She doesn't want to talk to the hostess, though.
Do you come home sometimes and there's something just going on the stove? Oh, yeah.
When it comes to the Sicilian, are you saying, give me a corner, give me a middle, give me a side?
And what is your preference? I like the middle.
When Yanni says, the first time we were on the show, we asked him, what do you like playing slice? I hear that in my head every time I get a piece of pizza.
You made a few bucks on the house, the Staten Island house.
It's the word I used. Have either of you speaking of pizza been to Chrissy Pizza's over in Greenpoint?
That's how you know. Either you have your picture on the wall at a pizza place. He does. I got mine at a big one, Prince Street Pizza.
That's Travolta. That's huge. Travolta's got a picture in every pizza place in the city. That's what it is. That's a big, big, big moment.
That's a good point. I never thought about it that way.
Go. Yanni touched on this a little bit. When you were both in the city at the apartment, were you okay or do you think it's okay to put the shoes outside of the apartment door? No.
You never got into when you were going to make the pool on one level.
The real skill on that is knowing exactly how far to go up on the other car before you turn in.
Yanni got the curlers in his hand.
You said that like AI. You made it sound like he's in Apache.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's that little show where you sit there with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy.
Yeah. Late night diner order from both of these. Go to the diner late night.
I was like, you know, man, I've got cameras at the base of the Queensborough Bridge. Give me a fucking break. It's bad. Get me with a radar gun. Yeah.
It doesn't matter. He does bids. We asked Yanni this in a roundabout way. We got to it when he was here last. But Chrissy D, backseat of a cab. Action? No action. Like sex?
That's called circumcised.
Are we talking about, hey, what's going on? A little bit.
Wait, you're doing it on the speaker?
And killed everybody.
Those scare me. And it was so close. That's never happened yet, but if I ever get into that land and takeoff, I'll probably have a heart attack.
I got the CPAP on. I'm sleeping like a baby.
So you can't take a nap on a plane, huh? I can, but it sucks. I wake up a little groggy, a little swollen, a little groggy. If I got a couple of Bloody Marys in me, yeah, it's bad.
I squirm a little bit.
Boys, this was an absolute treat. Long time in the making.
Two of the absolute funniest, two of the absolute best in the business, the history hyenas. Fellas, we love you. Congratulations on the special.
Happy to have you. We love you so much. And thank you for everything. We love you guys. Kippy, hit them. Love you guys.
We love you, gang. We'll see you next week. Peace.
But they're just a big old piece of trash. Wee-shon-jing. I'm your host. I was about to go, trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Dave Foley, coming at you on a glorious day. We're out back here at Tooties and the New Editions. She's out hitting the links, believe it or not. Okay. Working on her short game for the spring. All right. You know, a little winter rules. Sure.
She's got a caddy, lets her in. All right. Whatever. Mike Coates is coming at you from right next to me, unamused this week. He's a tough layup this kid. My co-host, CEO of Are You Garbage, international businessman, Kevin James Ryan.
A Hall of Fame? Now, what would you be willing to pay over what you sold it for?
If you don't like the area, or if you're the... And I completely understand what you're saying. Not that I'm from the city, but I'm so ingrained in it now. You know, we think about moving out of the city. I just got to have it around me a little bit. Yeah. And if you're not happy out there in the burbs, even though Staten Island's still in the city, but that was a very suburban area.
That was a nice area. But we were in the burbs.
I mean, forget about the house for a minute. You got some other planning to do. You just popped the question, didn't you? That's right, cuz. You got that coming up. That's right. What's that looking like, Yanni?
Those things came into fashion at just the right time.
He was technically working it.
But it's beautiful. You say in the special, you got three kids. You put them in there.
Check that out. Check out that Route 66 tour. Cook it over there on a used to page. Well, we couldn't be more excited to have two of our incredibly special guests here with us today. Two of the absolute funniest, two of the best, couple of good-looking kids, too, let's be honest. Ladies and gentlemen, the history hyenas. Yeah, Mommy and Daddy.
Like Ariel Castro. That's what I'll do. What are we thinking as far as the nuptials? I just tied the knot, got married.
A lot of poor financial decisions in that. I'm an ordained minister.
AreYouGarbage.com Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Are You Garbage? Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Wir machen eine kulinarische Reise.
Problem gelöst.
Oh, yeah.
I'm like, what am I supposed to do with it?
Welcome to another exciting edition of RUgarbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Yes, Scottish. Riverdance? Highland dancing.
Blonde-headed guy?
The male lead in Sweet Home Alabama.
Sweet Home Alabama.
Yeah, he's a looker, too.
Love that guy. Great voice.
Yeah, him and Brian Cox does the Mickey D's commercials. Sure. Gets me. Uh-huh. I think anybody can do them, you still get got. You're a bit of an easy target, they call it in the biz. Could be Satan himself. You're John Q. American over here. Get your fat ass over there. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dark Prince. By the way, let me tell you about Kippy. Stealing his kid's panties.
Kip, let's talk about them Aura Frames. Oh, singing from the rooftop, Aura Frames. Man, talk about making the holiday shopping list easy. You got a couple of broads in your life? Knock them off the list real quick. Knock them off the list real quick. Gang, do yourself a favor. Get over to that Aura Frames and check it out. We're talking about digital photo frames. Yes. Home run of a gift.
Aunt, mom, mother-in-law, girlfriend, wife. Side piece. Side piece. Let her know what she's missing. Listen, especially these older bros. I don't know why, but these older bros don't know technology. They think you're a goddamn, they think you're Bill Gates when you throw one of these on them.
Not to mention it's going to save you from having your fucking great aunt stick a phone in your face and be like, look at what Jimmy's doing. Yeah.
Listen, if you're not familiar, we've talked about it a million times. It's a frame. You can send the pictures to it. They open it up. You can have a stock message on there. So when they open it up, oh, my God, it's the baby. It's the whatever. You go, here, take this and shut it. Sends you time explaining it fucking Christmas. Like, yeah, nah, he's on the travel team. He does this.
Here's the photo. Shut up. Get the eggnog. All jokes aside, it's a fantastic gift. I bought them for every woman in my life that has them. They're fantastic. Oh, look at the frames. There you go. Save on the perfect gift this season by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off Aura's best-selling Carver Matt frames. It's Carver Matt. By using our promo code garbage at checkout.
That's Aura, A-U-R-A, frames.com, promo code garbage. This deal is exclusive to our listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply. Do it. Gang, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Yes. Holiday season, a lot going on. Could be gloomy. These are dark times we're coming up on. Could be gloomy. There could be a lot of anxiety.
There could be some childhood trauma mixed in there. Whatever you got to get off your chest, do yourself a favor. Get over to BetterHelp. They'll match you with a licensed therapist so you can start talking this out. As you know, I started my journey in the fucking talk therapy. Got to be honest, one of the biggest skeptics of it, it's working. Yes, it is.
I have to say, as a partner of yours, it is working very well. Thank you, dumbass. I appreciate that. You can tell. If you've never done it, it's just like a little pressure relief valve. You just get those things that are swirling in your head and your chest and your heart, get them out to someone else, and they go, what are you? It's okay. You'll be fine. You go, okay, thanks, doc.
I've learned about the inner critic rumination. Yes. Thinking the worst possible scenarios. Emotional eating. Yes. Which I believe is a myth. If you're thinking about starting talk therapy, I am a big proponent of better help. It's easy to get in the water. It can seem daunting. Oh, yeah. Calling people, doing this, setting up an appointment. Oh, we're out. I'm taking patients right now.
Why is that broad green? Well, we'll save that for... Should we get some bad oysters? We'll save that for hard feelings. But... Yeah, there was a... You stink. It was... It could have been sunny in 90. You still could have when it came back pale. No. You don't color. I've never seen you with a tan. I burn. Listen, I burn. We've gone over this. And I don't know why you...
This and that. All of this, just get in. Rip the Band-Aid off, dog. Just get in. It's an ease. It's a low barrier to entry. You get in, and you can start. You can start feeling better. You can always change your therapist, your licensed therapist, if you want, at any time for no additional charge. So find comfort this December and this holiday season with BetterHelp.
Visit BetterHelp.com slash garbage today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash garbage. Do it. All right. Yeah. Good shit. So, no, I got a company to do it. A guy. It's a guy who owns a power wash company. He started putting up those signs. My brother-in-law did it. You're going to be one of those videos. What? Household shit fucked up.
They come and hook it up for free. They're cutting my grass and shit. So, the guy that lived there was a real pussy. So, I decided to do it for free. Listen, I don't. What do you want? My fat ass up there on the roof? Do you own a ladder? Yeah. It's a step stool, but sure. I own an eight footer. That's where your wife puts your Honey Nut Cheerios. No, I own a six-footer. You do? Yeah.
It's a Warner. Yeah, Warner's good. Warner makes it. Did you steal that? No, I did not steal that. But yeah, this guy comes. Super, very affordable. He buys them for you. Tailors them perfectly to your house. Does it. My brother-in-law said it took like two hours. You still haven't done this yet. No, he's doing it this week. Wait till after the holidays. Get that discount. He's doing it this week.
Then you own them. He stores them and then comes back next year. Get the fuck out of here. And the price is lower. How you doing? That's what we're doing. I mean, listen, I have no business being on a roof anymore. My young days, I'd be on a roof. Not no more. My fat ass up there. Plumber's crack hanging out. Roofer's crack hanging out. Catching heaters.
Plus it's cold when your finger hits that metal. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm yelling at my wife. It don't look good. Let other people do that shit.
He's too old.
See how many people get her putting up Christmas lights a year. It's got to be trillions, probably. Your dad still does it? Of course. Man. He's a man's man. He's a man's man.
Yeah. My wife wants it. My wife was like, oh, it would be nice. I go, it would be nice. I'm not the guy to do it. You know what I mean? Would she be involved if you were doing that? Yeah, it don't look good. It's backward. And then I'll be the guy that like ran it and like the plug was on the wrong side. So I got an extension cord going a whole way. This guy does it.
Knocks out in fucking two, three hours. I put the tree up. We got a little baby one. That was a fucking fight. Even with a baby tree? I think it's five feet. I ain't no seven and a half. Real or fake? Real. I always go real. I like the smell. Yeah. Unless you get a squirrel or two in there. buddy. Hey, little buddy. Okay. All right. We got a gosh darn family episode on our hands, gang.
As you know, when you join the old Patreon over there, the aforementioned Patreon, you get the chance to ask your garbage question, and we will read it on the air. Yes, sir. All right. Let's see. This one's from Astoria Foam Cutters Local 403. Love it. Use Everstar a cocktail with the business end of a grill lighter. Oof. Wow, that's rough. I would just use my finger, I think, before that.
claim tanness as like a badge of honor like a piece of sourdough you think it's like a cool thing i get a nice i got a little italian blood i'm not saying you don't but like it's also not i got other stuff going on in my life i'm proud of i don't need good colors important i'm not saying it's not um but yeah no i've learned this is well documented I've learned to, I'm under the umbrella.
I feel like a butter knife is the lowest you can go. No, I think a butter knife's better. I'm on record as saying a butter knife is better. Than a finger? Then, yeah. Yeah, finger for sure. I think it's better than a spoon, I would argue. You get a better whirlpool going, and it doesn't clink, and it doesn't splash as much. You get a tighter whirlpool, a little vortex.
We somehow, I don't know how we got it into the house, but we have one of those long twizzler spoons. Yeah. And, man. You stole it from a bar. What do you mean? You were at Outback Steakhouse one time. If the dishwasher-
is if every if there's if i'm eating cereal with it and man she's like what are you she's freaking out i use this for my cottage cheese i have my cottage cheese a little bit of honey grosser like the long spoons still sugar on it from when you're making old fashions you just did a hairbrush you know what i had on the plane the other day i haven't had in a long time hold on I got nothing.
Screwdriver. I know. You told me that. Did I? Yeah.
You're drinking screwdrivers. Man. It was before 10 a.m. It was about 9 o'clock. This happened. I'm going to need you to duct tape me to the chair in about 12 minutes. I get a little lippy when I get vodka in me. A screwdriver. Yeah, man. It took me right back to. I didn't fresh squeeze OJ. No, it took me right back to. Heartburn City. To probably sophomore, junior year. In my buddy.
High school or college? High school. In my buddy Justin's garage. He had a couch in there. It was heater central. Catching heaters. And then we had just discovered Billy Joel. Let me tell you. That was a summer, my friend. Bottle of Fleischmann's and a half-gallon Wawa OJ. A couple of Phillips heads. Get your head on straight. Talk about lefty, loosey, righty, tighty. Talk about Home Depot, dog.
I'll be in the screwdriver section if you need me. Hand tool, the hand tool hero. A couple of flatheads for me and the boys. Do an Allen wrench. Put a little gin in there. Let's splash it, Grant. How many of those did you put down? I think two. All right. Not too bad. Sure. I was driving. Yeah. I'm kidding. I was at an off-paced lunch. What's that mean? That means you were drunk.
I was drinking way faster than everybody else. And I thought we were going into this as a team, and we weren't. We were also off kilter on the appetizers, too. We're doing wings because I was like, I'm getting breakfast. Breakfast? I have wings. Screwing me. Breakfast wings. Brutal. All right. Yeah, grill lighters, fucking man. That's not working either. You want a heater.
What do you want a heater right after you stir your drink? You got to wait until it dries out. Yeah. Right? Uh-huh. Although. You're not wrong. Maybe it's all the way up at the top.
I don't know. I don't know how it works. I'm not a physicist. You never used a grill lighter? What are you talking about?
This is in the same vein. I didn't even put two and two together. This is from Travis. $5 bozo. Is it garbage you use Sunny D for mimosas and screwdrivers around the holidays? Holy shit, dude. I feel like that would be like oil and water. It would never truly mix. You know what I mean? Turn it into that magic sand. They're two different densities. I don't know.
I feel like that wouldn't come together as one. Man, I don't know. That might be really good, though. Sunny D's got a bite to it.
I'm fucking, I'm doused in fucking SPF. I ain't getting got again. That melanoma goes through my family. A couple of hot moles. People are getting shit lopped off left and right of my family. Oh, man, Patty, Jesus. Yeah, you got to go. And you, like, pat them on their back. Like, ah, my wound. I feel like her dermatologist is going to give her a fucking razor blade and just do it yourself, lady.
Recently, like last year. Talk about a pivot. What else do dirtbags like? Oh, yeah, hooch. Because we only do mimosas one day a year. For some reason, it's Easter. Because we go to Sunday Mass down at Shore, and then we all come back. and we always have mimosas Easter Sunday. Mm-hmm. And so, like, we're not having them as, like, we... Fresh squeeze OJ or regular OJ? Oh, regular.
If you're doing them, you get the fresh squeeze. That's what I'm saying, but, like, if you're only doing... Then I'm just chugging that. If you're only doing them around the holidays because it's fancy, you're really just a booze bag looking to start drinking earlier, and that's the excuse of, I'm having a mimosa. So if it's Sunny D, if it's Tropicana, if it's from concert, who cares?
You're not... It's not like you're on the fucking Queen Mary or whatever. Which will fuck you up. What? If you haven't gotten that pork roll, egg, and cheese in you, and you have the mimosa first. I've never had one of those. What? Pork roll, egg, and cheese. Had one this morning. Stole it. Home Depot. It was in the cart. What do you want from me? All right. Let's see here.
This is from Monkey Man Slim. Great name. $10 hoagie. Never had one read. Have you ever pumped up a car tire with a bike pump? Jeez, dude. I saw a dude on the side of the road the other day. They have those small ones now. They look like handguns. They look like a gauge kind of. Yes. Yeah. And this guy was in traffic. And this guy was on the side of the road just trying to get home.
I always made me feel. I feel like a mechanic when I'm filling up my tires with that gun. I feel like I know what I'm looking for. And then when you got to get around the car, the whip of that cable. Watch out. That's like something from an aircraft carrier. Yeah. It's heavy. I'm doing this. Go. Always scared that thing's going to blow up. I'm never. Just waiting for it to blow up.
You ever blow up a tire like that? Pop one like that? No. I think I'd kill you. I always err on the side of let's keep it a little light. I keep my, you know, the cars have like the digital readout, like it'll be like, you know, like the oil, the this. I keep mine on my tires. You put a lot of stress on the tires, specifically the front left one.
Just saying, I spend a lot of time in a car, a lot of road trips. But that's what I monitor. I keep that on all the time. Dude, that old TV. My screen's not working right now. I have some kind of electrical thing in the car. The screen's not coming on. It's like in Michael Clayton. Remember when they put the bomb in there and it was like fritzing? There's something going on.
It only comes on every other time I start the car. I don't know what the hell I'm listening to. It's got the heat. It's got the fucking radio. Sitting there listening to Coffee House on XM like a dickhead. Can't change nothing. XM, who are you, my mom? I remember my dad one year for Christmas bought me the portable one. And you could take it and bring it somewhere else?
That thing never got off the ground. Sweet in the room, though. All right, let's see. This one's from KP. This shocked me. Are you garbage if you grew up thinking heat lightning was a thing? I just found this out this year that it's actually just distant storms. Did you know heat lightning? Heat lightning was big. In the summer. Just a little heat lightning. That's not a thing. No.
I listened to it. It just gave you a couple of bucks. Yeah, nah, man. We got that pale Irish skin. In the 80s and 90s, we weren't... Irish pale ale. We weren't... An IPA. We weren't wearing suntan lotion. Nah. That didn't start until the mid-2000s for us. Somebody said nothing. I got burned so much. I used to have blisters on my shoulders and stuff. I was in the winter. I was under heat lamp.
See if you can. Apparently this guy's research. No, I thought it was atmospheric. I think he's saying it's just further away and you don't. You see it because the sky is clear at night in the summer a lot of times. Really? I don't know. I mean, we used to be in the pool and be like, nah, that's just heat lightning. Sure. You know what I mean? That's just a little heat lightning.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy.
I'm in the middle of a game here.
Heat lightning's not a thing?
Okay, so yeah, so it is a real thing. What about thunder snow? No, but that's just real lightning. Cloud to ground lightning is just real lightning.
Is heat lightning a real thing? When it's hot. What is the difference between heat lightning and regular lightning? Do that. And thundersnow.
What about thundersnow?
Yeah, well, you just hear it and there's no rain. Yeah. That's when you get out.
It'll get you. Everybody into the showers. What? You like your freak? All right, let's see. This one's from Pierce Hughes. $10 Canadian shareholder. Shout out to you up there. Is it garbage if you or someone you know thinks they understand light frequencies at the intersection?
For example, my boy said if you stop five or six feet before the line, you have a better chance of getting the advanced light. That's a real thing. Well, they're in the ground. They're sensors. Sensors are in the ground. Yeah, that's a real thing. I remember my stepdad would pull up, and if it wasn't, he would reverse back to trigger the sensor. Yeah, to trip it.
I ran a red light this weekend because of that. Because it was on a main highway and I was coming out of a shopping center. And it was like 10 minutes. I'll give you 10 minutes. Oh, you sit there and just blew a hard blue or red light? Yeah, man. There was nobody coming. I was sitting there like an asshole. And you're breaking my... And there was people behind me.
You're breaking my stones for forgetting about a tree skirt? That's a victimless crime. No, you could have killed somebody. But you could have. You're a bad driver to begin with. I know. Probably in the wrong lane. I had to drive somebody home, and I told them that. What? Like, hey, just so you know, I'm a real bad driver. You're getting out in front of it now.
I'm getting out in front of it because I'm on the brakes. Oh, dude, man. It's like a panic attack. I'm out there breaking ankles. It's crazy. I got to do CTE protocol after I get out of there. You whipping that thing back. I got whiplash. Yeah, you ain't great. And they're in the backseat, too. You ain't great behind the wheel. They're in the backseat, too. That's where you really feel it.
It's fucking crazy. Yeah. All right, let's see. This one's from Tampa. This is a History Hyenas page around Tampa. Tony off the baloney. There you go. Shout out to History Hyenas. Shout out to the fucking boys. Boys are back. I love them. $10 a month Osempi provider. You ever get an eye exam and glasses from a Costco eye doctor? My in-laws just went and raved about how they got a two for one deal.
That stuff's fine to me, right? Patty would go. They got lens crafters or something in there. Yeah. Patty would go. We would go to like America's Best or something like that. We'd go to the eye doctor. Get my eye exam. And she's like, just get the prescription. You go somewhere else to fill it. She'd go to Costco and get it. Go to Costco and get it cheaper. She'd get like an 18-month supply.
They're moving units out there. Yeah. That's supply and demand or whatever. Economies of scalers. Getting the eye exam there, though. They're doctors. It's not like the guy's a cashier and then they bump him over. You don't upgrade to optometry. Doctors at a Costco?
Oh, that's fancy. That's fancy. That's expensive shit. Wait, Cohen's, that's where I go out on Steinway. I'm sure, yeah, New York. They fucking rake you over the coals in there. What's a set of glasses cost? I don't know. I've never even been to an eye doctor. Eye exam... When you need it for the year, I exam and I do the three months. Pull up what it costs you at Costco.
I got a little... I got something I want to... Get your opinion on, and also I guess all the homies and the bozos out there, what the proper protocol. So yesterday I went to buy, it's the holiday season. Holiday season. Happy holidays to everybody. It is upon us. I've decided to decorate the house this year. Nice. The house and the birds. I didn't do it last year. We were moving.
It's probably about 600 bucks at Costco. No, it's 600 bucks. You got insurance for that. I don't use that. I don't know how to use that. That is a dentist or therapy. I don't know how to use the insurance for that. Yeah, I'm not.
Is that what a supply of contacts? That's for the fucking eye exam.
My eye exam, I think, is $300. Or you get that America's Best. Mommy's put me in the club at America's Best. You get three years, contacts and eye exams.
That's the eye exam?
Why? It's the same thing. I mean, I get it. A couple of free samples. Yeah, what are you going to make a day out of it? Go get a couple of them.
Yeah, I mean, to me, that's like the same thing as a dentist. As long as you can do the job, it doesn't matter where. As long as you're proficient at it and you've got some pretty good reviews. Dentists, I disagree. As disgusting as I am, I get creeped out at the dentist real quick. It's got to be top of the line.
clay i can't smell weird in there either i'm not saying yeah okay it shouldn't be in a yeah i'm just saying but like any dentist if you go oh i have a cavity or i need i need a tooth pulled they're gonna it's you get the same service everywhere it's like a mechanic yeah sure there's something better than others you know what i mean but at the same time it's not heart surgery these guys aren't even real doctors what are we talking about didn't already go to a dentist in like nicaragua or something like that yeah they got universal health care so you didn't have to pay anything i think
Because it's like a binary thing. And obviously people are going to be like, well... They don't clean those tools the way they clean them in fucking codes.
You ever see those real bad ones on people?
You didn't notice that? That's bad. How do you not notice that? That's tough. That's tough McGee, dude. And they're scraping. I can feel it on my, it's making my blood run cold. I hate it. I hate it. Have you been flossing?
Give me the Sheath underwear. Shout out to the OG Sheath. And before you say anything, I know you got them on. All right? I know you like your sexy underwear, Sheath. Dang, it don't matter whether you got a big hog or a little hog, like some people at the table. It's both of us. Sheath is the best pair of underwear you're ever going to put on. Keep it your first name as a sexy underwear.
It wasn't really done. The whole nine yards, blah, blah, blah. Now we're in there. Okay. So I went to Home Depot. Home Depot. Went down to the depot. Madhouse in there. Madhouse, dude. By the way, speaking of Home Depot, I was actually at Home Depot last week. Had a chance to pop by that Rocco's. Man, it took everything in my power not to turn in there.
wear yeah all right i've never they're fantastic look at them they got the old stuff they got two pouches one for the crayon and one for the berries you know what i mean man holiday season that ain't ocean spray talk about dark meat down here You can put your balls in one pouch, your wiener in the other. You can mix and match one and both. Leave them at home. I don't care what you do.
And sure, it looks good. You got a little bulge in there, but it also has a function. It don't sweat. It's separation.
That's a lot of pubes. That's sheath.com, promo code garbage. For 20% off your order, Sheath, the underwear of legends and dirtbags. Yeah. Kip, we got to talk about Mando. Ooh, that Mando. Listen, you stink. Everybody smells. Smells. And it ain't just the pits, man. You got to get it. How did we just think of this? How is Mando just a thing now?
We should have been doing this since the caveman days. Thank God Mando was smart enough. All over body deodorant. The taint is one of the smelliest things on earth. And Mando's got you. Got your covering. Has an allure to it almost. Uh-oh. Stay away from it. It's something as I've gotten older. I'm not even... It's not even like after the... It's just day to day.
It gets a little sweaty musty down there. I'll run you down real quick on my Mando process. I hit the pits. I hit the underbelly. Okay. Dry that off real good. Then I go side pocket on each part of the testes. And then I go the... The runway, as I call it. Sure. The riverbed. All products are baking soda-free and parababin. Parababin? That's bad news, whatever it is.
If you can't pronounce it, it don't belong on you, and Mandel ain't got it. They got a solid stick deodorant formulated and powered by a mandelic acid to stop odor before it starts, baby.
And the wipes. Tell them about the wipes, Skippy. Oh, the wipes. I did them the other day. I was Kay Putz. I ran out of deodorant. I get here. I was running out to do spots. One wipe, two wipes, out the door. Right now, Mando's Starter Pack is perfect for new customers.
It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice, like the mini body wash or deodorant wipes, which previously said I like. And it's got free shipping as a special offer for our listeners. That's a stocking stuffer. New customers get $5 off the starter pack with our exclusive code. That equates to over 40% off your starter pack.
Use the code garbage at shopmando.com. That's S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com. Please support our show and tell them we sent you a smell fresher, stay drier, and boost your confidence from head to toe at Mando. There you go. I still think about that. That Groupon dentist I went to, that girl was. They say you need all new gums. Dude, she was Brazilian. They had you coming and going.
And she was dressed like a woman in my videos, dude. She was, I mean, like a boost. Trying to sell you on a tongue transplant. Dude, she had like six inch stilettos on. Fucking had me with a stinger going. Fucking happy ending at the dentist office. Face down, ass up, ready to go. Got me in that chair, Ben, every which way but Tuesday. You want to take off all your clothes? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I read this wrong? I'll do the bubblegum fluoride. And a shot of Rumpelmintz if you got something to set the mood in here. Had a drink for the lady? I'll do a Sunny D screwdriver if you have it. Yeah, that was, I mean, that felt like a jack shack, you know what I mean? It felt like a wishy-washy or something. A jerk hut. But I examined Costco perfectly.
Shout out to Rocco's in front of the Home Depot's. They know their way around an Italian sausage. Talk about getting a little color. How you doing? That kid, he knows how to put out a hot dog.
I think it's like that stuff, it's, you know. At least you're not wasting your fucking time in there. You're going to have to stand in that goddamn line. You might as well fucking, like you said, might as well make a day of it. Make a day. Make it a day. All right, let's see here. This one's from Mary, $10 homie.
Is it garbage to buy name brand food items and organic fruits and vegetables only when you have family over to prove to them that you're doing just fine? I respect that. That's a pro move. Pro move. Fake it till you make it. Throw those organic lemons in their fucking faces. Yeah. An old bag. Uh-huh. And it's also like... Who cares?
Because if you do have some people over, there might be mixed company. You know, and let's just say you're a very bag, cereal, generic kind of whatever. Sure. You're going to get some eye roll. You're going to go, just shut them up for this one time. Hey, look, I got all nice shit. Keep it moving. Keep it moving. And only buy the organic fruit that has it on the label.
Like, if there are loose apples and they're organic, fuck that. Get the regular ones. If you get a bag of lemons that says organic, that's what you want. So they know. Oh, yeah. Save all the... So they know. Yeah, save the labels, too. And then you say it. Slip it in a... Hey, can you hand me one of those organic lemons, please? Real subtle. That kind of stuff.
We bought those pasture-raised eggs once. Keep the carton. Throw the chemi ones. Throw a couple egg ones best in there. With the nine yolks in them. I just got one of those today. Really? Double-yolked it? Yeah. You turn away from a double yolk, don't you? No. The one time I had double, double yolks. Double, double? I was making three eggs, and I had two of them were doubles.
So I bought a fake Christmas tree, lights and all. Comes due to, listen, fake tree is the way to go. I am what I am. Here's the thing, too. It's not all, dude, you pull that thing out. I had that thing assembled. What'd you drop on it? Because they're not cheap. Which is crazy. Well, it's not cheap.
I fucking almost burnt that house down. I had to have the priest come in and bless the place. Yeah, you're flirting with it. You're playing God then, dude. Like an alien covenant over here. Yeah, not for me. I remember the first time I saw Eglin's Best. That used to be the big brand. That was the expensive brand. They're still popping. They got the stamp on them.
I remember Flip's parents had them because they ate like hoity-toity. Like Flip's house sucked for snacks. Sucked. He'd be like, hey, can we get something? He'd be, like, at a sleepover, or, like, his parents are down the shore or whatever, and we'd be there, like, fucking drinking. We're like, can we get something to eat?
It's just, like, half a box of stale wheat thins, which are already stale to begin with. He just had to, and, like... Triscuits are real tough when they're old. Also, just, like, weird bread. I'm like, you ain't got Strowmans or fucking Wonder? You got nothing? What the fuck is pumpernickel? Yeah, flaxseed and shit. I'm like, dude, we're fucking 16 eating flaxseed. What the fuck's going on?
Am I a racehorse? Get me a bag of oats, will you? Yeah, a lot of oats and grains, fiber. And they had them there. That's trash now. Yeah. You're not getting the brown ones. But you took a long time for Patty to accept that. My mom's still bleached white. The bleached white Wawa eggs. Freezing cold. Uh-huh. Sure. Yeah.
Yeah. Or Acme. Sure. But yeah, she's still the $2.99 eggs or whatever. Sure. They're all the same. Eggs are expensive. Uh-huh. They crush you with those things.
It's insane. New York eggs are like $15 a dozen for a dozen eggs. And that shit's all bullshit. They're all lying on the packaging. Fucking pasture eggs. You're in a goddamn parking lot. Fuck out of here. He's got a problem with the eggs here. I'm an egg beaters, man. I know they never crossed your threshold. We had them. I just did. That was the parents that were in shape. They had egg beaters.
I'm almost making French taste. With them? No. Just making French. That's the rich kids. My rich friends had that. I ate egg beaters.
Do a nice omelet. Maybe I'm wrong then. I don't think. I never had. In my head, there was at some point. I can't imagine your mom buying egg beaters. Yeah, no. It's commie shit. Goddamn American. Give me a dozen eggs for a nickel all day. All right. Let's see here. This one's from another dangerous username or something. Another dang username. Sorry. Never have on red.
Are you garbage if you lost someone's pet while they were away on vacation? Jesus, man. That's my worst fucking nightmare. I was a kid. I was asked to watch my parents. Oh, my God. My parents' friend Snake. Snake? It escaped in our house after three days never to be seen again. What kind of trash are you? I could never sleep ever again. If it got out in the house, dude, I'd never go to bed.
That vacation wasn't to Paris or Barcelona. That was definitely for the Sturgis Festival down in Myrtle Beach. That was a timeshare pitch. Hey, you got to watch Rocky for a couple of weeks. What kind of parents' friends have snakes, dude? That's crazy.
It's nuts. Go ahead.
That's nuts. Yeah, go. I'm checking on it every couple of days. Throw him a mouse or a hamster or something. At least a couple egg beaters called a day. That feels a lot because you got to get the tank into your crib. That's too much. Well, obviously, you're bringing a sleeping bag over and it's pills and shit like that. I never. Fuck that. I never trust that.
They're always like, yeah, you got to put like a rock on the lid or whatever to keep it down. I'm like, this motherfucker is trying to get us. Why do you have them in you? Trying to get out. I never got that. Man, so hold on. So it got lost in the house. Got lost in the house, never to be seen again. I would lose a black mamba getting you in the middle of the night. That's what they got.
Get me for my Tori Hanzo sword. Bite me right in the snout.
Dude, imagine just like dumping out a thing of cocoa pebbles and it falls in the bowl or something. Dude, I would lose it. What do we got for that? Probably charges. What are you talking about? But, man, watching a pet. You got to watch a snake like that? You got to probably feed it once a week or something. I don't know what snake it is. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
They're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition. She was out late last night. Okay. Flash mob. All right? Good for her. Flash mob. She's starting it up, bringing it back, baby. She shows her tits to the fucking neighborhood kids. Causing trouble. Okay.
Like, hey, get someone to pop by, drop a mouse, oats, flaxseed, whatever it's eating. Keep it moving, dude. To bring someone else's snake into your house if you're not a snake household is crazy.
That's what it sounds like. Doing a three to six month.
carnival cruise at best shut up do it uh all right let's see this one's from sean r never have one read is it garbage to while be out at a restaurant take the lemon out of a coke and squeeze the juice onto your food i'll answer this one he says yes this weekend i was home for thanksgiving i met up with some old friends for a dinner one of the guys does really well and treat us to a fantastic meal at a super classy restaurant i'm getting turned on over i'm getting turned on over here
That served fish and chips. I don't know what you're putting that lemon on. Halfway through, I look up, and one of my friends sticks his hands in his Coca-Cola, removes the lemon, and squeezes it onto his chicken. I guess I was in the Coca-Cola on the edge. All right. But you're getting Diet Coke juice on your fucking... It's all going to the same place as a bite and sip, man.
You're just getting ahead of it. Chicken marsala? That's crazy. Also, I don't think you put lemon on a chicken marsala. Squeezes it onto his chicken. I guess I was the only one who saw it because I was sitting there speechless for so long I completely lost track of the conversation that was happening. It's been three days, and I think I finally recovered from the trauma. My man.
179.99. Out the door. It's got a three-year warranty. Just a coat rack. It's got a scarf on it. How tall? Seven and a half feet. Whoa. Ceilings are only six feet. Had to take some off the top. Seven and a half. That's an all-star right there. Seven and a half. Comes with the lights already on it. Uh-huh. Three pieces. Boom, boom, boom. Pops all in.
Anyway, I got to go make some new friends. I respect the move. Yeah, I mean. A little fresh lemons, classy or whatever. That guy being like, I've seen this done in movies or whatever. Now what you got to do is spray your lemon on it. Listen, I'm a big lemon guy. When it comes to that stuff, it adds. Like when we get the calamari, when the calamari hits the table, I'm doing the whole thing.
I'm hitting it with a little salt. You're eating the whole thing? I'm hitting it with a little salt and pepper, and I'm doing the lemon all the way around. Yeah, you got it. That's calamari. Yeah. That comes a lot of times. And a real nice joint, not even nice joint, just some places do it well. They give it a half-cut lemon with a net on it to catch the seeds.
That's, a lot of seafood places will do that. That's somebody's retirement dinner. But a lot of places down the shore do that. Comes with the lemon half-cut in the little. Don't think they're reusing those? Little net. This is insane that this came out. My wife did it yesterday. Took the lemon off the rim of my diet. Off the rim. Off the rim is different.
But then she offered it to her parents going, anybody want to squeeze? I said, duds. I got to rep the upkeep here. The hell are you going to get us bouncing this joint? Anybody want to hit off this? Anybody want to take a whack at this? It's puff, puff, pass, Ma. Let's go. Sharing a lemon. Yeah. So she ended up putting it on her. It was a chicken. She had a chicken sandwich. A chicken sandwich?
She took the top bread or the top off and... Just throws a lemon in there. Yeah, but I was like, that's so funny that somebody just asked that because I was like, that's... I respect that. That's fine. I'm also a weird guy. It's fine. It's probably a little uncouth. I'm sure we've talked about this before.
But as a fat kid back in the day, did you ever get to the point where you were eating lemons?
I would take the lemon and I would dip it in sugar and eat it. I remember that happening. Like an orange. I'd eat it like an orange. Yeah, I remember that happening. So good. Lemon drop shots. Yeah. I'd eat that one. Shout out to Deke. A basement bar. I fell in love with a fuzzy navel. Shout out to the boys at Sigma Pi, huh? What's a fuzzy navel? It's orange juice and peach schnapps, I think.
Yeah. And vodka. I don't know. There's no way it's just peach schnapps. I mean, the ones they were serving were. Puking everywhere.
God damn. I never felt more of a man than ordering two fuzzy navels for myself.
I've stepped on the blow, wasn't I? I need somebody to get this going quicker. Yeah, that's... Man, shout out to the homies. That was a list of fucking garbage. That's... I loved it. But, you know, and listen, I think what happens at the table, if you're not in mixed company, the only time I try to keep up appearances is if I'm in mixed company, right?
But if you're at... This guy's in his hometown with his boys at a nice, as what he said, a super classy restaurant. Sure. Sure. That's not, who gives a fuck? The waiter don't care. The fucking guy at the table across from me ain't looking at you. You're not causing a scene. It is what it is. I see what he's saying. What are your bullies going to rash you? Who gives you your goddamn bullies?
And you want a little lemon on the chicken. Yeah, but I understand what he's saying. I've been going through a pretty rough phase of being well aware of when I'm eating with other people what they might be thinking. You know what I mean? Yeah, I usually tell you. You do. There's not a whole lot of thinking. You do. But, like, you know, I'll take the napkin and do the bite.
You got to tussle it up to fill out the things a little bit. Sure. It looks great. There's no fuss, no mud. You set it and forget it with these bad boys. But... Throw the box in the crawl space and you're all set. That's exactly what I did.
Like, I'm doing it like communion. You know what I mean? Or I'll bring the plate, you know, a little plate up to them.
That's what the Japanese do, I think.
Otherwise, the fork's thinning everywhere.
I got a damn show to do. I'll give you that. You got a show shirt on, but you still get stains on it. Man, if you want to really hurt your fucking self-esteem, go out to dinner with fucking Patty and the Bird. They just both sit across the table and fucking stare at me. Judging me. Sure. I mean, this is a lot to unpack here, if you want me to be honest with you. It's brutal. I, you know.
I had like 10 meals with them this weekend. Fucking everyone.
It's like I was sitting in front of the fucking parole board. You don't, yeah. I've said this before. You get in a zone when the food gets dropped that, you know, you shut out the world. Yeah, it's very shark-esque. And you're going at it. And you're, you know... And then the thing I've realized that you do, you know, we share a lot of meals.
I've had more meals with you probably than my frigging wife. Sure. Boys like to eat like a nice lunch between episodes. We're on the road a lot, have a lot of breakfast together at a hotel, a lot of din-dins. We like to eat. We're an eating crew. This is all true. What you do is the food gets dropped, and you go into what I would call your frenzy mode, right?
You're eating, and you're swiping, and you're dipping. The way you wipe up a sauce with a shrimp cocktail or whatever, right? Really, you start going. Then it hits you. Then you sober up. Once you get your dopamine hit, you sober up a little bit, and you start looking around. Did I hurt anybody? Yeah, you come to. Three days later. You come to, and you go, you realize that you just went.
Did we talk about this? It's scary. Oh, I don't like that. Um... Yeah. My cousin was just talking. My cousin has a crawl space in her house, and they're thinking about maybe selling the house. And no one's been in that crawl space since the early 80s. I've had guys in there. Oh. I got one of my units. They're like, oh, we're going to come over, and we're going to see what's in there.
What happened? Yeah. And then you start. Then your shame hits a little bit. So I can't judge the fucking lemon. In the soda, though. That's who gives a fuck. What are we doing here? Live a life. Goddamn Americans at the end. We ain't the French. Fucking, you want a little lemon? It's also, what are you going to go ask the waiter? Hey, can I have a side of lemon? And you're sitting there.
Can I have non-drink lemons? Listen, I'm not saying it's classy. It is what it is. Have your boys fucking... I'm not saying you look like an asshole asking for non-drink lemons. Yeah, can I get a side of lemons? I just don't want to... If I just want a little spritz of lemon, I don't want to wait for the guy to come up. If he's there, hey, can I grab a side dish of lemons? Sure.
A couple of maraschino cherries. A couple of highballs. A couple of fuzzy navels if you got them back there. All right, ma'am. I do have to say in this vacation, I fell in love with the strawberry daiquiri. You did, huh? Oh, man. Welcome to the team, kid. Woo! All-inclusive Kippy was in his zone. Yeah. Talking about Jordan and his flu game. A strong frozen drink is very underrated.
Well, it's the sugar. Because if you're a little, you're dragging ass after a day or two. You're eating pretty shitty food. You know, we're just hanging. Get that glucose up. Yeah, right? I got to get something to get a little pep in my step. Hit me with a spike, will you? It's the thing, the sugar, the cold. Sugar? Sugar? Great way to tackle anything.
All right, this is from Phil A. Are you garbage if your dog bit two different pizza guys from the same pizza joint?
Dude, they should stop taking your orders. That's crazy. Fuck that. They hate you. Dude, I'd be like, I'm not going back. That's why they got the second guy, because the first guy's like, I ain't going back there. Fucking Morrison's got me. That's bad, dude. Yeah, how are they getting them? I know, but like...
I mean, at that point, if I had ordered food, I'm assuming this might be a front yard dog. Yeah. At that point, if I had ordered food and he's already bit somebody or is prone to I think he might bite somebody, like if we're having somebody come over to house, I'm aware when the person's coming to be like, all right, Hans, go to your bed. I'll put him out back, whatever it is.
He ain't getting to, you know, at the door. He ain't getting a one on one. There's nothing more chaotic than a person holding a dog back at a front door. There is no more of a stop it. Stop it. He's fine. He's not going to fucking lays in here. I used to have to do that when I was— God forbid the pizza drops.
When I was selling roof door-to-door, roofing, siding, and windows, you're not going to be some mom who's got, like, three kids crying. They're fighting. And I'm like, hi, I'm Kevin. We're in the neighborhood just walking around. And she's like, what do you want? There's this fucking dog eyeing my fat ass up. She's like, what are you doing again? And I'm like, are both homeowners here?
Like, no, we're not. One of my AC units is in there. Fucking arcing a covenant in that thing. Yeah, I don't mess with it. But- So I bought it, right? Threw it in the cart, and on my way out, I get like a... Is the living room you put this in? What? You put it in the living room? Is that a sentence? Is the living room you put this in? You put the tree in the living room?
Have you noticed your leaky gutter by any chance? A couple of spots. Are you saying that when you don't even look at the gutters? You're just saying they're leaky? Yeah, I'm making it up. You see your roof going? Yeah, you got eyes on that. No, no, no. Hey, we're in the neighborhood. We're working down the street on the Johnsons. Usually a liar. I like that. We're down there at 123 Main Street.
As a courtesy offer, we're going around door to door to the neighbors to offer a 10% savings if you sign up for your free estimate today. They never did. Of course. Uh-huh. Fucking three kids, four dogs. I know. Biting people. It's also like, you're like, oh, but look at this. And they're like, yeah, so what the fuck do I care? I'm not made of money to fix this crack in the siding or whatever.
I got heart disease, you fat bastard. I can't give a fuck about the gutters. Get the fuck off my board. You'd also get hit with, what are you doing? Just get out of here. Okay, I have a good life. Go fuck myself? You know, there's no soliciting neighborhood. I'm like, yeah, you know, I know. There's no soliciting.
I'm going to have to get on the horn and go pick up the other canvassers and go, guys, meet at the van in 10. The fuzz is on us. The jig's up. We used to make, like, fake name badges and stuff. Oh, yeah, we're with the, they go, do you have credentials? Yeah, right here. And it just said, like, Kevin. Like, there was no, like, it was not by authority. Best job I ever had.
Yeah, it'd be tough to get that pizza guy back there. Yeah, that's also... If I was the owner, I'd be calling. That's on... Yeah, that's on you, dude. That's on you. Yeah, that's on you. One time I get things... I'm not saying I get, but things happen. It's an accident. Things happen two times. You gotta fucking... You're lucky that they're not calling for that dog's head. Putting him down.
Biting two people nowadays? Uh-uh. No, thank you. Must be some good pizza, though. All right, let's see here. This one's from Riley B. Never had one read. Are you garbage if you have to bring a bath towel to wipe yourself down in the bathroom after walking into work in the morning? I respect it. You ever work with a really sweaty guy? Not out of shape. Real sweaty guy. Not.
You got to go get that pulled, dude. I had one guy when I worked at that lock and safe company. It was me, this guy with one leg. He smelled his, just not bad, just very strong BO. You know what I mean? Not like, ooh, but just like musk. He's in the building. An old shirt. Yes. You're just like, you haven't worn deodorant. You're not wearing deodorant. Sometimes I like that smelling.
In a weird way. It's very, you know, natural. Like what I imagine the cabin of one of the ships on Deadliest Catch would smell like. I don't know about that. Stinky but comforting in a weird way. Hey, this guy's psycho. I can't really explain it. No, but, and we would just sit, it was me, it was three of us that worked in there, and all three of us could catch heaters in there.
I put it in the fucking bathroom. Yeah, put it in the living room. I don't know. It could be in the foray or whatever. We do not have a... We do not have a... Foyer?
Yeah, see, mix a little smoke in there. Yeah, like, it was, it was just like, it smelled like a dad. You know what I mean? Like, I get that, but I remember being like, dude, no one in your life has told you, like, at any, like, a neighbor, a cousin, no one's been like, dude, you're ripe? Like, you know. Try a little right guard or something. A little something.
Yeah, we had a teacher that would just come in and sweat. And he'd have to shower in the middle of the day at the school.
Yeah, he was just sweaty. It's a glandular issue. He would also... Have to shave every once in a while midday. It would grow that quick. That's your lie.
That's insane, dude. No one's shaving midday.
That's not a thing. Coach Del Muto. I feel bad saying his name. It was like a thing. Cuts to him in his apartment. His face is covered in air. Oh, Foley. I thought you really liked me. All right, we got to wrap it up. Gang, I'm going to tell you right now, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.
Foyer. Yeah. Foyer? Yeah, we don't have one. Yeah. We open up, and you're in it, baby. Opens up to the bathroom. You open the door. You're in the mix. That's what I don't love about that. How you open it up and you're. Yeah, there's no mud room. There's shoes everywhere. The dog's pork. It stinks. And the kids that had a mud room.
I remember they had to explain that to me before I got into the house. I remember the first time I went in, he goes, the mud room. I go, the mud room. They built new houses. What are you guys up to in there?
My kind of guy. Yeah, mud room. Mud room in the walk-in pantry. Yeah, those were the newer houses built in my area, the Toll Brother houses. They all had the mudroom. Oh, yeah. Came with that big box of Twizzlers.
$179, okay. Three-year warranty. It's got different kind of lights. It's got solid warm white. It's got fast fading warm white, slow fading warm white, and then multicolor. You could pop it and get it really going. It's got a remote. When you're all smoked up. I'm sitting there all fucking wetted out. Having a seizure. Welcome to my opium den. Merry Christmas. That's what you want.
At Christmas, you got to put a wooden spoon in your mouth when you turn it on. Hey, we party in the birds. You're not on a statin, are you, by any chance? This will kill you. Can't take heart medication. You look at that thing. So, but I bought a, they're not, it's not called a tree skirt. They're calling it something else. It's a little, like, more, like, cardboardy.
My co-host is coming at you from across the table. It's what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. Perfect for the holiday season. Yes, sir. Give it up for my good pal, KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube.
I know what you're talking about. And, like, a tree skirt, to me, lays around. This doesn't. This, like, just covers the base and the stand. We used to use newspaper. Man, talk about a, what, did you grow up in the Depression? It's the rug from the bathroom that goes around the toilet. It smells like piss. Christmas tree collar. Collar, which I ain't never seen before. Oh, look at you.
You probably got two Christmas trees at your house, don't you? You have a foyer, I would assume. We got a foyer.
That's what you make the help sleep in. He's got a help quarters as well. We, uh, I grabbed a collar, too, right? Slipped that in the cart. What a crazy line. I kept bumping the guy in front of me with my box, too. I was hanging out the front. You should get the trains up at your place. What trains? I don't know. Get some Lionels. Who am I, Bobby Bach? No way.
Build a train, drive a lion elephant. Build a ramp up to your head, drive a lion elephant. I'm not doing the trains. Listen, I got a lot of travel this coming holiday season. I don't know if you know. I don't have time for trains, all right? I'll get that for you for Christmas. Do not buy me a train set. No. Santa's buying the gifts this year. Don't buy me a train set. Hmm.
Do not buy me a train set. Okay. You're here to hear first, gang. It'd be cool if we had one in here to win a round. Yeah. Yeah, we got enough going on. Put beers on it. Toot toot. So I pay. I get out. I take the box out. I realize I didn't pay for the collar because I went through the self-checkout line. Kevin. Didn't pay. Completely unintentional here, right?
You would go back in. Yeah. Listen, I'm a dirtbag. That's not dirtbag. That's, hey, you made me do your job. I got out there. I had all intentions of paying. It was like nine bucks or something. I don't know. I don't know how much it was. I didn't pay for it. But it's like you got- Giving away collars in there. You got me for the 179 for the tree. That just hurts the workers there.
They're probably going to stiff them on the Christmas bonus because you need it. I don't think the Home Depot people are getting Christmas bonuses from Johnny Home Depot. No. If they would have got me or said, oh, sir, I would have been like, oh, shit, my bag complete. But I'm out. I'm in the back of the parking lot, too. That place was jam-packed. I ain't fucking going all the way back in.
And obviously, the greatest website of all time. I ain't got to tell nobody in this room, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you get all your bonus content, gang. About 13,000 strong. Goddamn legion. The legions of RU Garden. Uh-huh. How you feeling, Kippy? I'm pretty good, bud. Yeah? Yeah, you know, off a nice little break for the turkey day. Sure.
I did return my cart to the corral. Thank you very much. And our guy was in there, and I said, oh, here you go, buddy. I got one more for you. He did not like that. I even pushed it in for him. I also stole two drills. I said, I got you, bud. But yeah, I would be curious to see... I would go back. The army of garbage out there, who would go back in? I would put it at less than 10%.
That's just me personally. I would go back, but not for the right reasons. I would go back to help my anxiety... Conscious. Yeah, for other things.
Yeah. I did think this was maybe like... So when I'm standing at the gates of hell... I returned the Christmas tree. Fellas, come on. I'm an honest man. I had a truck brought. We've all made some mistakes. You put the screws to me for this. Peter, you ain't perfect. Old Testament, chapter 12, page 6. Never dabbled in the flesh trade. You were at that fucking bachelor party too.
Let's not fucking bullshit each other. We split that bag. Tell me you were at that dinner. Yeah, I don't know. It didn't cross my mind for maybe a half. How much was it worth? I couldn't tell you. So what's a Christmas? What's a Christmas? It's got to be eleven dollars. What's a Christmas tree collar from Home Depot costing you?
That's not even grand larceny. Make a donation. OK. To the Shriners or. OK. What's Danny Thomas's outfit? That's Dave Thomas and that's Wendy's. Danny Thomas and St. Jude's. Okay. Which I always donate to St. Jude's at DXL. Hey. Shout out to DXL for giving back. They ask you, you want to do five, you want ten. I throw five to the kids at St. Jude's. Shout out to them. Good kids.
I made a big donation to my local food bank right before Thanksgiving. Want a half-eaten hoagie? Hey, I'm not going to finish these Doritos. Hey, I'm done with this. No, I did make a donation to feed the homeless. It's the given season, guys. You got to give back a little bit. You just stole from Home Depot. What are you talking about? Yeah, I'm Robin Hood. One step above the wet band.
What? Yeah. What the fuck? Hook me up with that. You got 500. Starving artist over here. I don't know why you claim poor. And everybody thinks it's true. It's insane. Did you put our names on it? No, it was for my personal account. Luke, get my checkbook. It was for turkeys. Get me Danny Thomas on the phone. And Dave Thomas while you're at it. Get some of them burgers.
I can't donate on an empty stomach. Fucking junior baking class. Get my head on straight.
I got bad penmanship. I've mentioned this to you before. But doesn't fast food... Do we have to do this? Do we have to? Sure. Yeah, it does. I remember. What am I going to ask you? Isn't it better in the holidays? Yeah. Listen here, Chubbs McGillicuddy. You're wrapping presents. I just picture you leave here and go to my local food bank and get all the food I donated. That was a mistake.
Hey, what's up? I'm Kippy's boy. I'm here for my half. We're business partners. Son, I'm going to need you to put that ham down. I know you look hungry, and you haven't eaten in a while, but I missed breakfast today. Do you know Dave Thomas? Yeah. But it is the given season. Give back a little bit. Even a little something. Five bucks, ten bucks. Donate your change. Something.
This is the given season. I'm trying to do better. You just stole. From fucking Home Depot. Whose side are you on here? They're short 15 bucks. You're pushing my. No, they're not. You're pushing my fucking $500 donation to the side. That ain't nothing. That fed probably 15 kids or two Foley's. and then you're hung up on me mistakenly stealing from Home Depot. They got it. How much is Home Depot?
It's funny, you were down somewhere where there's a little sun. Uh-huh. I think you got paler. Sure. What are you wearing, SPF 90? We got rained out. I was going to save it for hard feelings. The kids got rained out. Talk about over-kissed. It was all right for me. My pale Irish skin, I ain't got to be down there. 13 Sullivan's all watching Wicked. What the hell is this? Yeah, no.
What's Home Depot worth?
Yeah. What are you doing here? Breaking my stones over this? Okay. It's freaking Home Depot. Tree looks nice? Tree looks real nice. What are the decorations you get? You get something on the outside? You're not doing that. You got to call a man for that. I did. There's a service. Shut up. I swear to God. Bunch of poor kids in the neighborhood. That's where my 500 bucks. You kids want to split a za?
Get over my house and hang some lights.
That's my D. What does that mean, market cap?
How much?
Damn, that's all pretty good. That's a lot of tree skirts. I like the guy that does their voiceovers for their commercials. That's Gary Depot. No, it's the guy that was in Sweet Home Alabama. Cool-looking guy, blonde hair. He was also in Beautiful Mind. The great John Nash. He's the guy that says that.
First job was newspaper delivery boy for like three or four months. Very nice. Legit three or four months? Yeah, I didn't do it long. I learned that racket quick. It was good for – I had Slurpee money. I had videotape rental money, but I didn't – I wasn't making the real bucks until I – Started working over at the Mrs. Fields in the Saginaw Mall. Fashion Square Mall.
We used to get 50% off of food. And let me tell you, my fat ass, I had so many double fudge brownies and pretzels and lemonades that were mostly sugar with a little bit of lemon.
This is early 2000s.
You know what's so funny is there was a guy named Chuck Kuhn who babysitted us briefly when I was a kid and he introduced me to He-Man. He had all those He-Man toys like you have the Skeletor on the shelf and he had like the castle and the thing where you connected the weird fabric animal with the saddle and everything. Yeah, the tiger. Yeah, we thought he was the battle cat.
Yeah, he let us play with his He-Man toys and he'd make us Kraft Macaroni and Cheese but Jennifer Harris was our best babysitter because she took me to one of my first movies she took us to see she took us to a theater called Cinema Suds where you could still drink a beer and smoke a cigarette in the effing theater that's a good time this country
was a country fall in 1990 okay we thought dan quayle was a genius um and we saw home alone that was one of my earliest were you drinking beers and ripping heaters no i wasn't ripping much other than uh some farts and laughing at the movie and eating from a bowl of popcorn all right hold on a second how old was the guy that had the he-man yeah how old was this dude
Probably seven years my senior. So if he was babysitting me at six, he was probably 13. Okay. All right.
Listen, all these Mary Kay Letourneau types are weirdos. I think sometimes a male babysitter is what you need to crack the whip. And to get the job done. And when you said he, man, I'm picturing like some 30-year-old dude.
Just roll with the changes.
Oh, my first – well, there's your first concert, and then there's your first, like, real concert. My first concert was a Christian two-man band called Lost and Found. That's a pretty good name. And there were, like, 70 of us in, like, a 1,000-seat theater watching them. But I actually loved them, and they were great. But my first concert where it's like you might have heard of the band was –
I went to a Sister Hazel concert. Whoa. I saw Sister Hazel, Styx, and Weird Al Yankovic all within a two-year span. That was a big deal for me.
That's not bad. That's a decent run. That's all right. For a 13-year-old.
Sorry, my aggressive ex-military dad didn't take me to see Pantera. I didn't get to go to that one. Sister Hazel, finally I figured out and it took a long, long time. Right, that's their song? Don't pretend like you're trying to think of it. You know damn well that song. I was listening to it on the way in. Hard to say what it is I see in you. We sang that song together in the car.
My first whip was a blue Crown Victoria from 1989. It was like a cop car. You're doing a Crown Vic. Horrible steering column. Did it have the light on it?
Spotlight. I don't think that one did, but it was probably broken off or something. It was the- The car was in rough shape, but a member of our congregation at the time gave it to me for free, and it was the sweetest gesture. But I didn't drive much. I still don't.
Oh, that makes sense. Wait, you got the car without a license? Well, I've had my permit like 45 times, but I don't actually have a driver's license. Wait, you don't have a driver's license right now? Not to this day. Holy shit.
What? I don't like driving. When you were coming up. I was in a really bad car accident when we were kids. We were in Benton Harbor, Michigan. You know those trucks that say yellow, but they're actually an orange emblem? Yes. We got hit by one of those sons of bitches. 18-wheeler going 80, 90 miles an hour. Hit us from behind. Our van flipped over like three times. They brought out body bags.
They thought we were dead, and we all survived it. I wouldn't drive either. So that combined with getting chewed, also my dad's a historically bad driver. So like something about my dad not being a great driver, us getting hit by a car, and me failing my first time I took the test at 16, 17, some cocktail of that made me go, no. Yeah, you're shell-shocked.
But now I'm really, like I love driving now. Like I want to get my license. I intend to get it this year for the first time.
Yeah, you do. And it can't be like a five-year-old. It's got to be like a real grown folk. Maybe you'll get away with a blow-up doll. Kevin McAllister had that cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan. Maybe I'd get away with it.
I love that you said pet situation. Situation is we couldn't keep one because we all got tired of cleaning up shit and getting bit. Which also calls to mind a couple of ex-wives. You know what I mean? Tired of getting bitten. No, we had a lot of dogs. A lot of them had to go buh-bye because, not buh-bye like we shot them in the backyard. I mean like we'd give them to someone.
But we did have one really great dog named Ruby, and Ruby was a black lab. Okay. We got it after the car accident as if to like a therapy dog or something for the whole family. Okay. And that was great. That lasted a while.
Kroger, also known as Kessel's in our hometown. Good establishment. And then we did this place called Meijer, and Meijer was like a bigger Kroger. Gotcha. But yeah, nothing fancy. They weren't making sushi at the deli line. These guys were handing you fritters and meat that looked like scrap metal.
Ground beef, man. So funny.
Yeah, it's really none of your business.
political on him my bad um he was talking about dang quail i figured we were we were no we were we were dominoes growing up uh-huh and then we fell off of dominoes before they made their public apology that last that apology tour lasted a good four years yeah where they're like we're sorry we suck that was why but i respect it oh oh they're hey we fucked up we're We're getting back to it.
Today, their market evaluation is astronomical because of it. That was the turning point as the apology tour. I don't know. I can't get a read on it. I can't get a read on this guy.
But yeah, we started Domino's. Then I got really into Little Caesars because it was cheap and it was trash. And I was like, this is the best $5 hot and ready. Yeah. Yeah, put it straight into my veins. That's how I became over. My highest, I hit 333 pounds. Wow. Rest assured, that was a lot of Heineken and Little Caesars. But now to this day. Heineken's classy, though.
Now I am very much a Domino's guy again. I've gone back to Domino's.
Pizza Hut went downhill when they got rid of their buffets. Not lying, man. Yeah, but they do have Mountain Dew. God bless them.
I had a family that I was very close with, and I'm to this day, they're called the Hinzes, and the Hinzes were obsessed with Jack's frozen pizza. Okay. Jack's was cheap as hell. It was like $2.50. They had like five kids, you know. Yeah. They had to make a buck, you know, stretch. I've never heard of Jack's. Also, I was at their house most of the time. Oh, yeah. I know Jack's.
So, yeah, Jack's Pizza was the go-to, but now that I'm a fancy adult and I got a little bit of cachiche, I don't buy Jack's anymore. What do you do? DiGiorno, man? I'll go straight up DiGiorno with stuffed crust. Rising crust. Yeah, very nice. Maybe a gluten-free from like a Trader Joe's. Sure. It's got some prosciutto and arugula. Cauliflower, something like that. Cauliflower's all right.
Look at you. I'm going to just make sure you get on Cameo so I can pay you to just make that video for me once a month when I'm having a rainy day. You got a goddamn Emmy. What are you talking about? That's awesome. Thank you very much, man. Thanks for coming. Also, I will say hearing all those titles, it's like, man, a lot of fun movies. Movies I just categorize as fun. I've had a lot of fun.
I have gout, so I can't eat cauliflower.
I contracted it when I was 25 working at a bowling alley in my hometown.
Well, I did contract it. It's a fucking disease. Give me a break, man. He's got gout. That's perfect. It sucks, man. Can't it go away? I didn't know what it was, so I just couldn't walk one day when I was leaving my bowling alley job at midnight wanting to blow my brains out. I was walking back to my brother's house, which is like a quarter mile away from the bowling alley. I just walked to work.
And I had to walk back at midnight with gout and I could barely move. I get there and I just got so stoned and I was like, I'll just get really high and that will make the gout go away. And it did for a time. And then I woke up and was in excruciating pain and found out I contracted this thing and I've had it for 13 years and with the weight loss and I'm now sober and
It's easy to kind of control it. It doesn't flare up as much.
It's brutal. It can make a strong man cry.
My wife has seen me once in the last year, year and a half, cry hard from the pain of God. Damn.
Had to be. First off, I got to answer the first question. I mean, you're blowing past the- Pizza rolls for sure, but I got to be honest, I recently had pizza rolls in the last year. Yeah. Because now I only have them once or twice a year, and I'll be like, oh, thank God I don't do this. It's disgusting. Yeah, they're bad. I pepper them with Parmesan cheese. I dip them in ranch.
They are still psychotically gross. They are disgusting. I swear against them. I also, by the way, Buffalo Wild Wings, garbage wings. Sure. Garbage ass wings. I don't think I've ever had them. But that makes sense. I don't do it anymore. By the way, if you're listening, please go on YouTube and look up, wait, who's the head of the health department now? No, I don't know.
You're talking to the wrong chef. Look up Pizza Rolls RFK Jr. You will find the funniest video of a guy doing RFK Jr., his voice, and eating pizza rolls pretending to hide them from his wife Cheryl. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Were we a milk family? You bet your sweet ass. We drank a lot of milk. And my mom got us into skim milk. And I hated skim milk. It tasted like water.
And eventually that same family, the Hinzes, who got me onto Jack's Pizza, they got me back onto real milk. That sounds like a good family. Come drink this dirty milk and eat our dirty pizza with us. And I was like, hell yeah.
I would have milk with meatloaf, Italian.
He's all right. Glass of cold milk with a hot meal.
Or do you just go... It depends on the pie. If it's really bland... If it's really... If it's really bland, yeah, I'm busting out the shredded Sargento. I'm busting out the red pepper flakes. I'm busting out maybe some garlic powder or garlic salt. Okay. Sargento, huh? You do got money.
Life has been good.
See, once again, my dad was pro-Miracle Whip. We would have Miracle Whip on our fish sticks and our sandwiches. What? Fish sticks? But, but, but, the Hinzes turned me on. They were always there to pick up the pieces.
No. My dad would never allow it. I guess, yeah. We were butter and it was on the counter to get soft. I love it.
I think even if your family owns a bowling alley, you're still garbage. You're at least a proprietor. You're just wealthier garbage. You sure, yeah. Yeah, that's like, yeah. Sorry, what was the question? What was your role there? Jack of all trades, maybe. No, I was basically barred from the bowling alley.
You got some great. I know you guys are from Philly, right? You got some Chicago in you. You got some John Candy energy in my voice.
They kept me in the arcade room where snot-nosed brats would be like, the prize didn't come out. I would have to grab the key and mess up the tickets and everything. My toe's killing me, kid. Shut up. We also had like a game. I got three plays this week. We had a giant. You think I need this shit?
I almost blacked out just now from laughing. He needs carbs, this guy.
That was so funny. Oh, man. I just want to be on this show so I can hear you guys talk for an hour. It was so funny, man. You're welcome back anytime. You just made the biggest fan. I'm going to tell everyone to do this show. Thank you. Oh, my God. No, we... I worked in the arcade, and there was a gang, like, turf brawl one time.
All these teenagers were fighting, and they broke the glass and shattered all the glass where the prizes were and everything. It was terrifying. We had cops who worked security, off-duty cops. So you were in the arcade. It was a bad scene.
Could you throw rocks? Never owned my own bowling ball. My brother was a fantastic bowler, to this day still is. Has bowled like a 300 and all that crap. Oh, you know who's famous from Saginaw is that bowler. Pete Weber? Who do you think you are? I am? I forget his name. That's the bowler. Can you Google bowler Saginaw, famous bowler of Saginaw, Michigan? I think his name is Tom Smallwood.
Oh, that's a good bowler name. That's a great bowler name, not a great human name. But, yeah, he was a big deal for Martel. So my brother got really into bowling. I sucked. My brother always tried to teach me bowling. He's like, you know, just throw it straight like you're throwing a glass of water over your shoulder. You're just holding it like that. I was like, I can't do it.
I can't do it consistently. I never thought of that. I kept crossing my body. I cross. You don't cross. You go back. That's why you get a gutter. Sure. The collective you. I don't mean you, Kevin. I felt that.
You know, it's funny. I auditioned for the Kroll show back in like 2014 or something. Okay. And they wanted me to do a sketch and they didn't want me to, they're giving me the audition to try to book a role in a sketch that like took place in Philadelphia and they needed me to have a Philly accent. And I didn't really have to hit it. Yeah. It's tough. I didn't nail it. It's 2014.
who was i thought you were kevin are you ryan no it's kevin ryan yeah you're kevin you're henry yeah he's ryan no the other guys are the other guys ryan you're that's tommy smallwood what are you talking about junior the third i apologize no that's luke that's new guy luke um luke what prime video brings
There were some people that came in and out of our town, like... That just sounds so sketchy. Sounds like Christopher Lloyd in Dennis the Menace. He just came in and out of our town. He scared the hell out of me. That guy had a knife.
So funny. I met Gordie Howe. That's pretty good. That's a good one. I met... I think I slapped hands with Booker T when I was at a wrestling show. That's great. Buff Bagwell. There were a couple little moments like that. But when I went to New York, I went and saw theater. Our family was very pro-Broadway. So when I was in L.A., I would always go to shows. My parents took me to Les Mis.
It was one of the splashiest, more expensive things our family ever got to do when I was a kid. And one year I took spring break when I was 18 years old in New York City, stayed with my siblings who were going to school in White Plains. And I met Jeff Goldblum and Billy Crudup and Matt Dillon.
They were like people I just run into in the city or we would go see their shows and, you know, wait in line afterwards to get an autograph or whatever. Very good. Yeah, it was cool.
I remember I asked Jeff Goldblum for acting advice, and he goes, yeah, just act every day. And I was like, I don't know if that's real advice. Thanks, man. He had two attractive women shouting his name. Sure. I'll never forget. He was signing autographs, like VHS tapes of powder and shit. And he looked up and he goes, oh, I am getting lucky tonight.
He said something like that, like in front of us. And I was like, what?
It's like an entourage moment.
That could have just been a thought in his head. I was a kid.
I got three plays this week that killed me. All right. Well, I need to take this quiz. Keep going. Sure.
Never skied, period.
You know, Sonny Bono died from skiing. Some of us have abstained. First time I got my passport was when I booked a pilot in Vancouver, Canada. That was fall of 2016.
Or the channel changer.
Kept trying to say sub and tonic. That's a lot of pop.
Clicker is very silly.
No, no, we were just people.
I do. I love flossing, actually. I grew to like it now. I love it.
Suits that I've purchased, probably five. Suits that I own just from having to do press and stuff and eventually didn't pay for them. I probably own a total of 10 or 12 suits.
A couple of really nice ones. Yeah. Where are you living at now? Somewhere too gaudy and you can't wear them ever again. You're like, well, that was the night I went to the Kirk's Choice Awards or whatever. Sure. Where am I living? Yeah, where are you at? I'm in Atlanta, Georgia. You're in Atlanta, Georgia. I've been there for about six months. Very nice.
We're going for a third kid, and we got pregnant. We were like, let's not keep spending this money in L.A., and let's save a buck or two in Georgia. And also, when you're on the road a lot like I am, you want your wife to feel protected. She has way more family and friends to come in and help out and be the community of support she needs while I'm gone. Okay.
Didn't purchase it. We're renting to own because we didn't have enough. We didn't want to be cash poor after buying it. Sure. So I'm still waiting for an accumulation of jobs. Like, I still have to pay really crazy, weird SAG dues where, like, twice a year, a percentage of what I make, I have to give back to SAG. And then I have an agent, manager, attorney, and business manager take percentages.
They all wet their feet. I always give to church or some sort of charity, obviously. Good guy. And then I also... Taxes, I always forget about taxes. You and me both, sister. I mean, I'm up to date on them, thank God, but I just mean, I'm not in a Wesley Simpsons scenario, but I'm like, I'm very much like, I forget how costly everything is.
You were awesome. Of course.
So I'm not poor, but I don't have a ton of savings either.
This shared way too much. I love it. That's awesome. You know what? I thought you guys were going to say I was garbage for renting to own. Oh, you are. Oh, no, for sure. I felt I needed to explain myself. No, for sure. Yeah, no, that is the tragic way. I assumed you were loaded.
Sargento is why we're poor.
Is this actually from Vermont? What's happening?
Pro rotisserie, but only from a place like Whole Foods. I'm not going to go to a Vaughn's or something and buy it. A lower end, $4 bird. The bird is not the word if you're getting it from that place.
Yeah, I think it's at like a tight 90, 95 minutes. Like it's one of those movies that trucks along really well.
Yeah, I guess in that regard, my first big check was, well, it was the first movie I did. I made like 10 grand from Virginia. Okay. It was like four weeks, and I suddenly overnight had more money than I ever seen in my life. Sure.
Yeah, how about eating out every day for a year and a half?
I wish it was Little Caesars. I would have stayed in L.A. longer the first time.
A little of both. I love a hot dog at a sporting event, but I also legitimately love going to a fine dining restaurant somewhere. I've been to one Michelin restaurant in my life. I took my parents, my buddy Peter Hintz from the Hintz family. Shout-out to Hintz's. Shout-out to Hintz's. You still have boys with him? I took them. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome.
No, Peter's one of the funniest humans alive. I moved to L.A. with him, and he since moved back. But I took them to Providence, a seafood place in L.A. Okay. Because Richland starred, and I think I, man, it must have ran me like 3,000 for the four of us or something. But it was one of the top two, three best meals I've ever had in my life. That's not true. Top five. Top five.
That's me wanting to say top three. Because you spent so much money? To justify the money. All right.
Oh, God, there's a place in Austin, Texas, and I don't remember the name, but we were treated there by Apple TV when we were evading a hurricane incoming to New Orleans while shooting Blackbird.
Me and Taryn and some of the cast and crew got flown on a private jet to Austin, Texas to avoid the hurricane, and we got taken out to dinner one night at this Japanese restaurant, and I purposely, I knew we weren't going to have to pay for it, and I purposely racked up.
I purposely racked up. They were literally like, can you bring the check? And I was like, also bring that snow crab. To go. Wrap up doing them lobsters. I was like, you forgot my snow crab, you son of a bitch. Keep the uni coming. That was probably number one. That was the greatest meal of my life. And I forget the name. I got to look it up.
For those that don't know, the quick elevator pitch on this is... Yeah, hit it. Back in 1984, there was a series called Press Your Luck Game Show, and you'd try to win a bunch of money in prizes, but if you pressed the buzzer at the wrong time, you would get what's called a whammy, this little red monster. Sure, a whammy. It heats up all your stuff.
also just like dude just like there's something about a good smash burger I had a great smash burger in Chicago at a diner that's no longer there but I think it was in Des Plaines or Oak Park and it was called the Harlow Grill and we would go there late at night me, Peter Hens, James Morgan my buddy who's now a professional driver in Chicago and owns a boat service that guy we would go together and we would eat
We'd just sit around this diner. There was nobody there. It looked like a movie set or something, like this old school diner, and eat the best smash burger we've ever had. All right. Love it. He's all right, man.
I think I'm a bite and sip because there's almost something Pavlovian to wanting it to go down in a comfortable manner, down the throat, down the esophagus. He gets it. Also, I love pairing, right? Like when I did, I'm sober, but when I drank red wine, I used to, man, pairing a good Cabernet with a pasta or a- So good. Or a- Cheese. Yeah, anything in town. So good. Or a good steak. It was so fun.
Wonderful movie, by the way. I love that one. To this day, I still drink non-alcoholic beer. So if I have a good burger or a good slice of pizza with an NA beer, it still feels like I'm having the same experience.
Oh, man. So many times when I go out to eat, I do the thing where we family style it, not to where anyone's detriment, but to usually where you get to try three meals and you still have leftovers. So I order a lot of food whenever I'm with people. So I have to be conscious of how I order the steak to try to please everybody. But my personal steak is...
like a medium rare to a medium with Pittsburgh-style grill on the outside. If I can char it a little bit and get it crispier on the outside.
You like a deviled egg? Love a deviled egg. By the way, I didn't even eat a deviled egg until the first time I had a deviled egg was at Park City at Sundance Film Festival at the High West Whiskey Restaurant. And I had a deviled egg for the first time in my life, and it was so damn good. I thought, what have I been missing out on?
I always usurped them or, you know, averted them because they looked weird at family gatherings. You'd see them in picnics. God, they're good. They're so versatile, too. You can put anything on them.
Will I dance? I'm the reason people dance at a wedding.
And, you know, we all have our whammies in life, I think.
By the way, I don't dance at a wedding. I dance at a wedding reception. Dancing at a wedding would be very weird.
He's trying to make it about himself again. We get it. He's Hollywood.
You a cash man? You give cash? My wife's a gift thing, but I think cash is king for most gifts. What are we talking about here? A close friend? A close friend? I mean, it depends on the friend. Yeah, I once gave my buddy Caleb Wall, like, I just, like, Venmo'd him a thousand bucks. I don't think he gave his full name. He was having a drink, and he was the groom, and he was talking about, like,
He was talking about like, man, I really want a computer that I can just take apart. And he was talking about it passionately, but said he didn't have the money for it. And I was just like, boom.
And a couple of my ex-wives were whammies. You know what I mean? They took my money from me. No, but... This story is a true story about how this man named Michael Larson, who was a bit of a grifter, a con man, back in 1984, he took CBS for a little over $100,000. 100 Gs.
Nunchucks? No, just a Swiss Army knife. Okay. And I once brought it to school to show a friend because I thought it was cool. And they freaked out and were like, your kid can't bring a knife to school. Yeah, that's how they get you. I was like, I wasn't going to use it. This was like 97 or something. Everybody play it cool.
Tiger Schulman's? The specificity here is just ripe. No, no, no. I know pro wrestling. I know DDTs.
No, but I've thought about it. You got a Swiffer at the house? No, no. We got some more scaled up stuff.
I don't know what it is, to be honest. I'm not sure. We just have a couple vacuums that are like, well, I love the hand vacuum just because I have two kids. So, you know, you give them one cookie, it's in seven rooms. It helps to have that thing. You got a pool at the house? We do. Hot tub? Dude, you're failing your own test here. You have to ask someone above or below.
I can't assume. It's in-ground, but you've got to ask the garbage question. Is the hot tub connected to it? We don't have a hot tub.
We also have a cold plunge and red light therapy.
It's from the brand Plunge. Nice.
What are you sleeping in? Undies? Pajamas? I vastly prefer just sleeping in a pair of boxers, but on occasion, I'll have some jam jams, some jammies. Sleep in your socks? Like a pair of light sweatpants with a t-shirt, maybe. Very nice. Never sleep in socks. That's a no-no.
No, I'm not a pregnant woman. I sleep on my stomach like most men that look like me. I thought we were going to be friends. Do I have apnea? Probably. Probably. Probably. I'm not taking the test.
No, I was always bad at it. It really bummed me out.
Listen, the kid's trash.
And the reality was is he didn't really cheat necessarily, but he did figure out the pattern and the algorithm that only had about five different patterns of how to press the buzzer at the right time to get the prizes and the money. And so the film explores that pattern Brief moment in time. I like to call it a time capsule, this film.
Decent at putt-putt, though.
Great, man. Where am I on the scale? Is there a number or something? Yeah, you're bad. You're trash. You're Midwest trash.
Like a 78 out of 100, probably.
Learner's permit.
You'd be screwed. Oh, man. Henry's hysterical. Kevin Ryan's not bad either. And Luke is nice to look at. He's a little soft on the eyes. Don't get me started on the Ryan in the other room I barely met.
Because you get a real accurate depiction of 1983 in America and what people looked like and the attitudes. And, you know, even we'll do cutaways to Walton Goggins talking to the crowd or my buddy Jimmy Wolk talking to one of the coworkers. And you get a feeling that it's kind of an ignorance is bliss moment in America. Sure. It's like we're all thriving. We're all doing well.
There's a healthy working middle class. We kind of don't know what lies ahead, you know? Sure.
Yikes. That's like one residual for Jim Parsons for Big Danger. 100K from CBS right out the pot.
For a second, I thought you were doing the David Duchovny from Zoolander, where you're like, but why male models? I thought you were saying, but what's the backstory? And I'm like, I just told you the backstory. I just succinctly gave it to you. I told you to press your luck.
I was born in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Michigan. I go to Saginaw, Michigan around the age of two, one, one and a half, something like that. I don't really remember what I'm told. We moved there. Those were my formative years. Okay. Dad's a Lutheran pastor. Mom is a... daycare, uh, manager turned, uh, substitute teacher turned teacher turned school administrator, principal type way up the ladder.
And, uh, and her and dad were just very much, it was like churches and schools that kind of small town, uh, simple energy, you know? Yeah.
He was the head pastor at the church. Gotcha. And I have a brother and two sisters who got into a similar line of work. I had always been romanced by the world of comedy and theater and music and professional wrestling. I just love the idea of entertainment and creation and being a part of that machine. And I... Pursued that throughout school. I ended up writing screenplays in high school.
I started doing stand-up comedy in high school. That's crazy. I did 10 plays in four years, which is kind of the equivalent to like a two or three sport athlete every year. But it was more mathematics or something. Varsity Letterman in theater. Theatrics. And I just, I ingratiated myself. I was obsessed. Gotcha. You know, if Jerry Seinfeld was on the cover of a TV guide, I saved it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That type of weirdo stuff. But it did a mountain and accumulate to me being ready when the time came. And I went and auditioned for a background role in a small independent film in Michigan. It was called Virginia. That's Virginia. That was the first one. Yeah, yeah. Jennifer Connelly, Ed Harris. A bunch of great people were in that movie.
And I showed up to be a background actor, but I saw the director and I was like, yo, congrats on your movie Milk that you won the Oscar for. I loved the movie. It was very moving and your Oscar speech was moving because, you know, I was one of these more liberal-minded Jesus people in my hometown. Gotcha.
So, like, when Lance Black is telling everybody, like, God doesn't hate gay people, I'm like, yeah. It's nice to hear someone say that. Yeah.
I agree. So I just told him that as like a 40 second drive by compliment. And he wrote my name down, invited me back for an audition. When I got to the audition, it was like a bunch of local yokels who work at like convenience stores. It wasn't like people that save TV guides. I got 10 plays under me.
my belt yeah yeah no i was like a monster i was so competitive i was so ready to go i got the whole script from a manager in hollywood uh and printed it out i didn't just do the sides like the guys their head sure so like just doing every part i did uh yeah But I just really threw myself into it. The rest is history. I did the come up like anybody else.
It happened a little bit quicker than other people maybe. Put the work in.
But, yeah, you find your thing, and then sometimes you get thrown a great curveball in the form of an I, Tonya and a Richard Jewell, where I was predominantly doing sketch comedy, stand-up comedy. We were making short films for Funny or Die, that type of thing. And then, you know, Hollywood decided to invite me into the world of dramas.
But even in dramas, I was bringing a comedic element the same way I'd bring a dramatic element to comedy stuff. Sure, gotcha. And I've just been playing that game the whole time. Both sides of the ball, baby. It's wild. I think I summed that up. That was beautiful. Is that a good summation? That was fantastic.
If you're a garbage person, you don't say the word summation with that much ease. I know that.
No, I played sports. I just wasn't like the best athlete. I also wasn't like the worst, but I was far from the best.
Oh, I had straight A's through second grade. I was putting up good numbers. Grade three and four, we're talking A's, B's. By fifth or sixth grade, it was like some C's showed up. By seventh grade, it was like, look, I'm passing. Leave me alone. Sure. Um, but yeah, no, I, I played some sports.
Um, I was, I enjoyed like flag football and I was so good for a minute and then tackle football happened and I just got my ass beat the first play of the first game. I'm like, I'm on the kickoff team time to pop somebody. And I got nailed. and just laid on the field for the whole next play. Didn't even get up. We had 13 men on the field, and I was crawling to the sideline. It was bad.
I'll take Pippen. You keep your rugby, sir.
The Charger. That's pretty good. Private school? Public school? Public. Parochial. Jesus. Okay.
No, parochial. Private. Oh, it was private school. Okay, so you went to Lutheran school.
No, but same like what do you call it? Zip code.
North Bond Street. North Bond Street. Pretty good. That's not bad. Pretty good. 2409 North Bond Street. I believe it's still there. Sure. Not bad. And what was the name of the high school? Valley Lutheran High School. Valley Lutheran High School. And I also took classes at a school called the Saginaw Career Complex. They called it SCC or COC. And that was like my junior, senior year.
I got to leave for three hours in the morning to do digital media. So I would learn Final Cut Pro and GarageBand, and I would learn how to use cameras and do a basic setup, you know. That's awesome. It was really fun. This guy was focused. Well, it was cool having a career-like class because I hated school. You're at least focused. I could do something creative, yeah. Did you do college?
I had a cup of coffee at Concordia University, River Forest Oak Park outside of Chicago. Went and kicked some tires, yeah. Yeah, I went two semesters. My third semester I dropped out. And I was doing a college radio show while doing open mics in Chicago while writing a screenplay for Key & Peele, who had just been deemed unemployed because MADtv got canceled.
And I shared a manager with them at the time. He repped Key & Peele and Ike Barinholtz and some other great comedians. He said, you want to write this movie? I know you're a writer, and these guys have an idea for a movie. And that was kind of my start to having, like, Hollywood friends and trying to work with people like that. Look at this. Man. Moving and shaking. Go-getter. Shaking and moving.
What are you talking about?
Alumni. Gangster. Oh, they are? That's a real tough guy stuff. Notable alum.
Oh, gosh. Mostly nonexistent, but our vacations were like family reunions. It wasn't like we went to Boca Raton and we were sipping from twirly straws. I love Boca Raton. Don't you go to Boca. I like how Boca Raton is like a vacation destination in 1962. Yeah, if you're 88 years old. It's like we just bought a microwave and we're going to Boca Raton. Things are looking up. Things are going well.
No, yeah, we drove down to Florida from Michigan. Ooh. That's a hump. On two occasions, which we had luggage fall off the top of the car. I'm sure you did. We had the car break down and run out of gas where we were in the blazing heat for an hour and a half while our dad got a gas can. I mean, it was some real National Lampoon's vacation type shit. Sure, Middle America type stuff.
Yeah, and then Wisconsin was like our big treat. The Dells? We did go to the Dells once or twice. They had the thing called Noah's Ark at the Dells. And we went up to this place called Shawano, which is like a lake by Green Bay or something. That was like our big family reunion spot.
That was my dad. My mom's folks were down in Florida and in Jersey.
Florida or Jersey, yeah.
I don't remember the specificity so much as we definitely went to the shore, and I didn't wear sunscreen for five, six hours. I'll get you. And I had second-degree burns on my back, went to the hospital, and I spent most of my time in Jersey sitting on a couch watching movies while putting aloe on my back and crying with a fan oscillating in my face.
Oh, it was like all these POS Astro Vans and stuff. Whatever fit all of our full family of six and Dorito crumbs in tow.
Well, four kids and then two parents, so four plus two. He's not the math guy. I'm just being an asshole. I'm kidding.
I didn't go to Concordia. I'm sorry. Sorry I didn't get into your small private college. No one's heard of. By the way, I only went there because Chicago's dope. You're close to Chicago. And they let in a guy like me because I got Lutheran cred or whatever.
I couldn't have gotten into a tish.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Yeah.
There was always a rumor or a wives' tale or an urban legend back when I was a kid that if you were driving down the street and somebody had their high beams on coming this way and you flashed your lights at them, they would turn around and follow you and murder you, and it was some type of gang initiation.
What would you say if you saw somebody with one headlight coming down? What would you do? What do you mean? You wouldn't do or say anything in the car? You wouldn't touch the roof and say Padiddle before anybody else? What?
You never heard of Padiddle? Padiddle. If you see a car with one headlight, you go Padiddle. Or what? It's who can get there first. It's like Jinx saying Jinx.
Ireland, Disney, the Cribs episode, the Patty and Denise episode.
Wir machen eine kulinarische Reise.
Problem gelöst.
Okay, there you go. Yeah, that was an old wives' tale. So what I was going to say is we got stuck at a light, and there was a thing, but I was too scared to get out and touch it.
Got out of the car when it's still in drive? No, I don't think so. Patty did it once on a snowy day on a hill at our old house. We were playing out in the snow, and she was going to work. She backed the car out, parked it in front of the house, and, like, had to run in to get something. Fucking car rolled all the way down the street. And we just watched her run down the street like a maniac.
There's a guy in Cleveland listening to this, counting his money.
Jesus. Uh-huh. You're doing it wrong. What do you mean? You're doing it wrong. I got the touch. I'll come down there and get it. What do you mean? I got the touch. You break most things you touch. No, I have a touch with that kind of stuff. I can always get it open, get it off, get it out.
Okay. And the G spot.
You also got to get a bubbly drink. You saw me having a diet cake.
The feeling of getting out of your car. On a street is so strange. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, when you have to get out. Did you ever get, was there ever so much traffic on the turnpike where you got out and everyone's looking down like a dirt bag?
Okay. Yeah, I never did a Chinese fire drill. Okay. Okay. That sounds like a good time. Sure.
Dude, that's... A Blues brother impersonator. Was it Jake or Elroy? That's the question. Who? Jake and Elroy. I don't know who that is. Blues. Jake was John Belushi, and Elroy was... Oh, was it Jake or Elroy?
That was a little mean. I apologize.
Yeah, please. I need money. Okay. How do you play it? Now, I think I know what the decorum is, but how do you play it? Okay, let's say you and the bird are going out to dinner. All right, you're walking into the restaurant. Luke, I open this up to you as well. You're walking into the restaurant. Does she go first or do you go first? She goes first. Right. I'll hold the door, typically.
And I would assume he waited a couple of days to take a shower because he didn't want to waste it. Yeah, wait until he gets back to school. Show off the goods. You know what I mean? Did you ever do a Redding-Phillies game? No. Never did a Redding-Phillies. Never been to a minor league baseball game. Ooh, Trenton Thunder was great. Never been.
You get 2% on this team. No, I've never been to a minor league baseball game. I know the Brooklyn Cyclones is a fun time. They did have a minor league team in Wilkes-Barre. The Steel Pigs.
It was either the Yankees or the Phillies. Reading Phillies. Maybe it was the Yankees in Wilkes-Barre, but I never went. Let's set it up.
I've been wanting to go to spring training my entire fucking life. We can make that happen. My Uncle Mike used to do it. We got 500 bucks. They'd go down there for a couple of weeks. Weeks? Yeah, maybe like a week. They'd go down there for a week. They'd do dinner. They'd relax. Nice.
What do you got on spring training? Pitchers and catchers, at least.
Really? I always wanted to do spring training as well, if I could go with the team. I feel like that would really help me. I don't know what you mean. It just seems awesome. It's not like football camp or like, I know this probably isn't how it is, but it just seems like they're just warming up for like a month. You know, they're just having a catch.
They're riding the bike. They're doing some drills. They probably going to get.
Yeah, but not with Harper. Yeah, you just want to hang out with hot guys. Sure. Okay. Castellanos, hang out with the boys, couple massages, go have a couple of steaks down there. You know what I mean? It's probably really nice. Have people come in and out a couple of days. They probably set you up with a condo down there, a little per diem. It seems nice. Plus the broads probably ain't too bad.
Probably all hanging around here. Trying to get their hands on one before the season starts.
Get pregnant real quick.
Hey, you're a married man. What? He's a married man. So are you. All right. That would be fun to do it. What about a fantasy camp? Can I do a fantasy baseball camp? Do they have that still?
I want to throw some smoke off the mound. Hit somebody with a little chin music. It does seem nice, though. That's a good, what, to be? I'm not understanding. To be a player at spring training. It's probably pretty fun. To be a guy worth $25 million. Forget about the money. Okay, fine. I'm on the team. I'm not like a guy trying to stay out of the minors. I got a contract. I'm chilling.
Hey, all right, go right on in there. She wants me to go first. She doesn't like going in first.
It's probably nice.
I think they just ride the bike and throw the ball around a little bit and swing two bats and do that shit. Okay. Do this shit with the bat.
What is it? Is it one day?
Who am I rooming with?
We have to contact him? What?
Is there a number? No, I mean, is there a dollar number? I can't find one right now.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
Oh, that's pretty sweet.
A couple of chop blocks coming in.
Turn it, turn it.
I want to be out on the field.
Yeah.
I don't want to have to punt it like a loser. She wants you to go first. She stopped, dude. It drives me crazy. She, like, stops. And I'm like, I look like a dickhead if you don't go first. But she doesn't want to be the one to walk up to the hostess and be like, hey, blah, blah, blah. And if she does, she fucks it up. She'll give the wrong name. What do you mean the wrong name?
That'd be fun. Yeah. I don't want to be a bunch of fucking losers, though. What do you mean?
No, it's probably older business guys. That's how they blow off steam.
All right.
That's not bad. Get me down there. I'll get ready for it, too. So I'm in spring training shape. Get to show up. You just said it's just them on the bike. You got to be ready for that shit. I'll have to drink every day before then, too. And hot dogs. Boys like to put them away.
I got to come in half cocked. Yeah. Sure. I'm going to throw some smoke. Probably sign me. Phil's. I'm sorry for what? I think starting pitcher sounds about right. Hey, Suarez, beat it. The kid's here.
Yeah. Oh, that's pretty sweet. You always told me it was some bozo.
Okay, I'm going to hustle. You get stuck in the shower. What are you talking about? I'm going to hustle, and I'm going to show a lot of determination. I talk on the field. I don't talk shit. I never say that about anybody. I always come in as the underdog.
I don't go down, oh, I'm good, I'm better. I've never been like that in sports.
I love John Kruk. He's the best. Yeah, maybe, you know. We'll see how I produce, see what the batting average is. Mm-hmm. They sign me, they sign me.
Or hey, it's either under A or it's under B. I don't like any trouble at the hostess stand. I like to fucking slide in.
I'll DH. You'll DH. Yeah, I'll DH and pitch. A little shortstop there.
Your back goes... There. I remember that summer we played American Legion baseball. It's the first curveball. I was like, give me somebody to get me a bag of sunflower seeds. I'll be on the bench. I'm going to be a vibes guy. Hey, no better, no better, no better. My dad always wanted me to be a baseball player, though.
Hey, boys. Recreation rule states everyone has to pitch at least once. No, it was somebody was out.
But you look at modern day catchers. They're all in shape. Not Real Muto. Yeah, they're professional ball players. They're not fat eight-year-olds. Sure. They always stuck us back there. They're going to squat down. Your ass sticking out. Your knees are killing you.
You know, it's funny. I don't know if I told you this. My one cousin. Knows me? No. Yeah, he knows you. He's at the park show. He ask about me? Yeah, he likes you. Fuck, I told you. This is the park show.
They talk about me. They did. Mentioned you.
He's been down there for a while, obviously raising a family down there. He's been a coach for the Recreation League when the kids were young. Now a lot of these kids are in high school getting ready to go to college. They don't know. Some of them have turned into actual athletes. So he's like coach. It's pretty cool. He's got a good name for himself down there. Yeah. Respected in the community.
So it should be. I open the door for her, and she goes in.
Sure. Unlike you, heathen.
You busted up car. Can you take a look at that for me? I get it going. I'm good with getting it out of park. Okay, all right.
I don't have to get in the car. You know what I'm big on doing? You got to press the brake. Hand thing. That's what I do to start my car. No, you don't. Yeah, if I'm doing stuff around the car and I want to get it warmed up, I go in, I push the brake, and I push the button. Let it get fired up. Start the engines. Get the heat going.
Oh, fuck. I forgot about that. He's down there. He's got to be down there. That might sell it for me. You know, I got a real soft spot for the Fanatic. A real soft spot. Jumped in my mom's car. I probably told you $1,000.
Whoa. $2,600 to meet the fanatic? Well, you get the cocktails. Let's go to a fucking car dealership opening. Let him sign my forehead.
It's our little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, Dave Tully, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition. She's in the garage power lifting. Okay. That's by our good pal Cody Winters on the old Patreon.
He's not going to be like purple or something.
What? $2,600 to meet the fanatic?
Yeah. Go, birds. I feel like an ESPN commercial is how I'm hanging around. Don't say nothing.
Two under Gorgon, please. No, she takes two steps in and freezes and stops. And then I got to give her the little push in the back.
Waiting for the call. Okay. Get some ice for my knees. That's all I need. Oh, the ice too. Plus after practice. That's the good stuff. They go sit in the ice bath. They do the jacuzzi. They probably get massages by the trainer. They get the Bengay rubbed on them. It's probably pretty sweet. Yeah, being a professional athlete. Yeah, it's probably awesome.
Plus the Gatorade and the gum and all that stuff.
I forgot about that.
I don't have access to the training room?
That's the campy.
What the fuck? What am I? You never played baseball.
You were playing squash and shit like that.
Yeah, same as you. Later. I'm a fucking moneymaker.
Get out of the way. Stop it. Man, that shit drives me nuts.
I'll never forget it. We'd play like bad neighborhood kids. Like, you know, like if like, you know, North End versus East End or whatever or whatever. Or like I remember being in Bluebell playing the kids from Norristown. They'd be fucking hanging on the fucking on the cages screaming at you. And then beat you up after the game.
And then the coaches in Rifton, they encouraged that shit back then. Yeah.
Do me a favor. Stop it.
Yeah, that's not bad. That's amazing. I was big on putting tortilla chips in my peanut butter and jellies, too, back in the day. I would do pretzels.
Yeah? Yeah. You know what else was good, too? Putting a pickle in there. Yikes. Yeah, I would do tortilla chips and a pickle in a one. Take one piece of bread, peanut butter, jelly, chips, and a pickle. Throw it up. Crush it.
With a glass of milk. Screaming cold glass of milk. It's so good. Try it at home. Yeah. Man, you just got so fat and trashed.
Let me hit it. I'll give you the cake. Get a piece of bread, crunchy peanut butter, strawberry or grape jelly, some crushed up tortilla chips or potato chips, kettle cooked, obviously, and then one... You weren't banging kettle cooked back then. A quarter of a dill pickle. Fold that up and eat it like a hot dog. It's fantastic. You get everything with a screaming cold glass of milk.
Pickles and milk don't go.
Yeah, see? See what I'm saying? See? You wrote that, piece of shit.
I got a thousand pictures of that stuff.
And every time I screenshot that shit, I'm like, yeah, come get me, motherfucker.
What I'll do is... I got the screenshot right here.
Some computer glitch.
Yeah, they still banging?
Always wanted one. Always wanted the foam finger. That was something, if we, I mean, I could count on my one hand.
How many times we went to live sporting events. I'd never been to a football game until Tommy Pope took me a couple years ago to an Eagles-Giants game. It was coming out of pandemic. Before that, I had been to one preseason game, and we stayed for like I felt like a quarter and got out of there. Traffic. Got to get out of here to beat traffic. I was with my boys.
I don't really remember it too much. I might have been on acid. I'm not 100% sure. Maybe once or twice to the vet or two or three times at the vet. I remember a Phillies game. Yeah, one time we went in the summer because my cousin had won something for her softball league or something like that, and she got to go on the field on the thing. Whoa.
I remember we were down the shore, and we drove up from down the shore. To see that. It was 8 million degrees. Just bacon. My dad and my uncle, and two uncles, Uncle John, Uncle Mike, they sat in the bullpen and pretended like they had chewing tobacco, and we walked in. It was that AstroTurf.
Like, before the server comes over.
Burn your fucking face off. It was so hot down there. But other than that, we weren't really big on that stuff, and never. We'd get to Sunday with the helmet. That's it. You weren't getting a jersey. You weren't getting a glove. You weren't getting a hat. You weren't getting a fucking foam finger.
Maybe I'm wrong about this, too. Maybe I'm trashing them. Because I do remember getting, like, Little Bats, the Little Bats. We probably went to a few more.
No, not talk about what you want to get.
God damn it.
It's always weird seeing a little kid take on his parents' mannerisms. You know? Like my nephew does that. I'll hear him say something. I'll be like, that's your father. You know what I mean? It's funny.
I like that.
You know what I really always wanted? One of the big foam cowboy hats.
Yeah, I always want it. Pat had one.
Home run. Yeah.
Where do you find one?
I like that. Because I like her. Sometimes if we're on our way somewhere, I'll be like, pull up the menu. Let's see what we're walking into. And it's fun to hear her read off the menu. You know, the appetizers and stuff.
In Japan, they have little places where you can go and take in little pods.
Fuck it. Yeah. $15 or whatever. Put the radio on, turn the heat on, get good sleep through there. Smooth it out, yeah. Sleeping like this. Uh-huh.
Other people in the office, where are you going? Just saw Randy outside.
Hey, what's going on, man? Give me a couple more. You have a chance to sign that paperwork?
Yeah, I did. Burned my whole lip.
But cinnamon isn't that spicy.
I'm rubbing drawn butter on my nipples.
You girls want to see my canker sore face?
You mean like the ones that look like a tennis ball?
Where would you put it when you weren't eating it?
Yeah. Why didn't you break it up with a hammer? With a hammer?
Not that. Not, we should get this, we should get that. She tells me, like, I'm going to get a Tito's martini or whatever.
Giant... Clover used to sell them at like where Clover sold snacks. And they would be in like those clear candy jars. And they would go big, big, big, small. This came in a box. Yeah. Really?
Keystone Light will do that to you.
She says that to me. Or if we're like a Dunkin' Donuts or a Starbucks or something like that, I'm going to get the whatever. She'll tell me. Tell the fucking lady. I'm not ordering for you.
Your fly's down, buddy. Oh, man. But we got to wrap it up, gang. What a fun one. Yes. Gang, happy freaking New Year. Happy New Year. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.
I think I want to do a Tito's martini. Okay, yeah, it's great. She doesn't say it like that. She says it like she's telling me for me to order it. Does that make sense? But she then orders it? No. Wait, what? She fucks that up, too.
Same drink she gets all the time. If she doesn't, she, like, freezes up. Then they start asking her about olives and the whole thing.
And I got to give a shout out to Charles Terry, who wrote the one during the being in and Jordan episode. Okay. Which I got flustered because they're both lunatics. Shout out to you.
Boys, this is our year. Coming out of the woodwork.
You are going to get bigger. I have been eating a mice once a month. A mice? No. Mouse. Whatever. You got to fucking ice me on that. Let's redo that. I've been eating a mouse once a month. There you go.
Yeah.
I don't know what that is. They suck. Okay. I don't like them at all. Mike Coase is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman. Just opened up his third Krispy Kreme franchise.
What's that?
Institute for Blind Technology. I don't know. The BBI.
IBTI, Institute for Blind Technology.
It gives a little character, though. You trust a voice like that. Sure. Yeah. I don't trust a guy's voice on the subway now. Back in the old days when the fucking conductor would be saying it. You know, some guy from Bensonhurst or something like that. Yeah. Next stop, 48th Street.
Just go to Mel's. That's how Danny Aiello started. Famed actor, Danny Aiello. He was a subway conductor and some director. It might have been Francis Ford Coppola, but I could be wrong. Heard him and said, that guy's got a great voice and put him in a movie. Could have been The Godfather 1, if I believe. One of the Rosato brothers. Didn't have any lines. Hey, I know you had one line.
Michael Corleone says hello. And then he tries to choke out Frankie Pantangeli. Chicken wire. Piano wire.
that's right there you go godfather part two i apologize was that his first movie uh that was like yeah his first movie do you know you don't know who danny aiello is no idea no his first film role came from bang the drum slowly okay i think i saw that um man he was great i love danny aiello you know danny i don't think i do yeah you do he played sal in do the right thing I've never seen it.
No kidding. You want to see a real guy? I told you before.
That was rude. Getting out of your car. Actually, I was in this situation not too long ago. So they redid the highway out by Patty's. Back in the day, when you were coming off one of the side streets, they had the wire. And if it was in the middle of the night, you could trip it. We've talked about that. Yeah, you pull up, you pull back. Yeah. It's also scary by yourself. What?
Just when you're on an empty road by yourself and you're stuck in a red light. That's how they get you. Mm-hmm.
Third time, I believe.
Uh... I'll cover you in a sack, too. Yikes. He's cleaning his knife. Yeah.
You must come over. Hit me up.
We're riffing! I feel like that did happen with... No, no, no, totally not. I feel like Sam ran somebody over. Luke got it. All we found were little pieces of ham.
It's a shame what they did.
I gotta go sit in the chamber? Man.
I was just like, I'm going to act like this didn't happen. Man, that thing stinks. I get it.
Oh, that's pretty good. Did she from Catch Me If You Can?
He's the kicker. He's smoking.
What are they, in the longest yard? What? Yeah. They're all wearing brass knuckles. Oh, my God. Scratch your cheek with it.
It depends what show you're on.
Then last night...
I think he'll be all right.
This is a crazy affair.
Ah, yeah.
He was a good kid. They're doing that thing where they're walking into each other. Go, Bert.
Ham in the kitchen?
Oh, man. Congratulations on the new house. Congratulations on everything. Thank you.
Sure. Not connected to the kitchen.
I don't have that on me right now.
Then it's a vendetta. How would that be?
Cold Stone, that was the big one.
I mean, I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot. I've never seen you walk out with evidence.
You know what I'm talking about.
No one.
Go.
Yes.
It's my second doc.
Sure.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Gotcha.
No, honestly.
I know.
All right.
Yeah.
Trash, trash, trash.
Just getting off the rail.
Just shoot the movie so we can get it out on the street. Jerry, just tell them about the picture.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
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That'd be so nice. He ends up at the front desk. There's a cat in my room.
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We're on a culinary journey.
That you're back.
Hot damn, I thought he was going for good this time.
She's perfect. I don't know if you guys picked up. Ian is significantly jealous of this dog right now.
I feel like they both have court-appointed pets at this point. It's like, listen, you guys need something to settle you down.
It's like it's like we're in class and there's a substitute teacher. And talk about my dad.
Folks, real quick from Helix. Okay, let me tell you how— Best episode sponsored by BetterHelp, guys.
I forgot how much more proof you need, dude.
Sure. Wait, you actually run away from them?
What?
I would love to see that CCTV footage.
Scatter. Just takes off into the woods. I mean, yeah, okay.
Better than ever.
Okay. Wonderful. What's new for the new year? What do you have planned? Do you have any resolutions? All right.
You're doing a great job, by the way. Thank you so much. Show them the guns. Look at that.
You guys get tattoos together?
Hey, get out of my personal files. That's ADD.
He's like, ah, so you're playing.
Look over my bank account.
I found myself one time when a plane, my phone died and I just started reading the guy next to me, like looking at his phone. I was like, hey, whatever you got, I just need a phone.
Pauly's got a really bad bit about it right now.
Hey guys, I gotta be honest with you, I'm out. I'm pulling the funding on this whole project.
I don't think I have any resolutions. I would get some. I don't know what to tell you. I'd figure some stuff out.
What is that? He even called that a deport authority one night. I got a bad case of the semolinas. I'm sorry. Anybody know a doctor?
I hope you'll be right up. It's like 50%, 75%, 100%.
You're going to do it for your hair? I was thinking about it.
Just go. Be like me. I'll never forget when Yamanika said you have the hairline of a rattlesnake.
Mr. Finance, I think you're a Klingon.
The natural competition between them two is crazy. It's a special kind of crazy.
Do you guys travel together?
Yeah, synchronicity.
Wait, Bambi's a boy? Bambi's a deer, first of all. That's what I thought.
Yeah.
I love it when that's the reality bubble you pop.
The pull-ups.
How many can you do? You can do one now. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Thank you so much. I was only ever able to do one when I lost weight.
I've never heard anybody take relationship advice from Ian. I'm a good advice giver.
I was with you right up until that.
The phone was in a plastic cup, so it was louder too.
Yeah, I'm a dirt bag. Yeah.
You're pretty nuts.
Are you serious?
Come over to my hotel. We'll play video games and I'll blow you. You like Steely Dan? You smoke cigs too, Kev, don't you? That's crazy. Front to back, let's go. That's a guy looking for a connection.
One of the only reasons we were here, those guys went out on a limb and started advertising when we were real small, put a couple bucks in our pocket, and the Army Garbage supported Chiefs, and they're still supporting us.
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Yeah.
I mean, you sure?
I got one for a guy. That was the first reason I got one. Really? A gopher was in my backyard.
On the chain gang.
What was the steakhouse? They're not hors d'oeuvres, you fucking dirtbag.
There's so much stuff, too, and it bothered me. Not bothered me a little bit. There's so much stuff we didn't get to, and the comments were like, they didn't even get to this. I'm like, that should have been the lead off. I forget what they were, but there was a lot.
Sounds like it took place in the 1700s. Yeah. Yeah. You should hear a story about getting dysentery.
I had that for years.
Would I eat Jordan's homemade yogurt that was in a sleeping bag? Nuclear holocaust would have to happen for me to even start thinking about it. It was good. We'd have to be out of kale and gopher.
I'm on that.
What do you mean?
Wait, you're worried that the eggs are too fluffy out of the gas station microwave?
Would you bring your own eggs, or would you buy eggs there?
How many gopher pelts is this guy?
I just picture you walking in with Sunoco. I'm here to barter. Yeah.
Those tigers, they're friendly. Don't worry about those.
There's so much. What is there something that you think we've missed that you're like, you snuck? Is there anything that jumps to mind where you're like, because there was something about your apartment that I forget where they were like, they didn't, you do something in the kitchen or something. I can't fucking remember it.
I didn't tell you. Her kitchen now? Yeah, somebody was like, they didn't even mention, she didn't mention, and I forget what the, it was something, you and the dog in the kitchen maybe?
That's probably it, if I had to guess.
Sure.
I'm losing you quick. We have to be fucking united against these two.
Yogurt and chicken?
Somebody take his picture. Calm him down a little bit.
That's pretty good.
That's very well respected in the dirtbag community.
You had to take eight?
Universal lot. The Warner Brothers.
Jesus Christ. It's like Pet Sematary. It's crazy.
We're talking about college.
I was talking about forging documents to get on a lease.
I respect that. You don't know what it was like, man.
Well, guys. It never worked. The most insane thing is Jordan doesn't have to leave to get to a therapist.
Do you have any stories about mayonnaise or anything we can handle? What the fuck?
She's going to get the therapy.
I'm talking like a hamburger patty in the middle of the road. I couldn't believe it.
I love how they correct each other on their insane behavior.
It's the Patreon. I respect the dirtbag move, my friend.
She started laughing. I'm a fun-loving crazy guy. It's just my weapon that I can hurt people with.
Have you seen my meds today? I haven't.
Jordan, I have to call your mother. I told you I'm not allowed to kiss you. The dog cannot consent.
She's snoozing? What are you doing?
They threw it in the room.
Yes, the new queen of garbage, we must say. The fans have loved you as much as they love Cousin Ian, which is great to have you both on. I think next time we have to separate.
On my Instagram.
You got anything? Do I have anything? I need a goddamn cigarette and a beer. What are you talking about?
We'll see you next week. You look over at Ian and go, finally, I thought she'd never leave. Wait, did he really say that? Gang, we love you.
It's got to be a tough broad. Yeah. Going toe-to-toe with you. I watched it with the lights on.
Was she a fan of anybody at the table? She didn't know who we were. She goes around and takes pictures of you.
What's the matter with you? With who, us? You're not having fun? No, me. I mean, the second... Let me try one of these robes.
The second you two walked in here, the vibes completely changed. In a good way, in a fun way.
If this is anywhere but a bathroom, we got a problem.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James, Ryan, everybody. What's up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube, and obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash RU Garbage. Love that money, gang.
Look at that. How are you two just traveling like that?
That's so scary. So what do you do for a living, bud? Trying to make friends with him?
No, she was out of town.
Now, do you make yourself comfortable in a situation like that? Real comfortable? Or do you mind your P's and Q's?
You think she's ever been comfortable once?
You really have locks on your, because of her? You have locks on your cabinet? It works for both.
He was... I mean, you two are... I've never... Wait, this is also... I've never seen Ian... In like the mature role. Yes. It's freaking me out. Thank you. Usually you're the one on a leash. You're really keeping her corralled over there.
Sounds like you're in jail. Glenn just got here. He keeps eating my shit.
Glenn takes my commissary card.
Sugar water.
You think the candy's arrived on her?
Hey, that's her candy. Get that out of your mouth. Do you have an iPad?
This is as beautifully chaotic as I expected it to be. Well, it sounds like you guys are doing great.
What airline did you fly out? Delta. Delta. Both of you Delta. I flew first. Very nice. Like to face throw. Yeah. But you stayed with your friends.
There's only one marshal on the plane at a time. I only got one set of handcuffs.
You should have just went up as a dude. It would have been an easier swing.
We just did a couple weeks ago. Great green room.
Every time he wins anything.
All right, you'll find it.
Mac Dre. Mac Dre.
Classy square. You say no.
Square seems more military from what I'm seeing, and then it's also easier to keep up a square, so you can do it yourself for longer. No, I say a curve is better because when it grows in past it, it looks okay. Square with some extra. Yeah, no, but if you're touching it up yourself. Oh, right. You can't touch up. The round one's more natural.
I got two for you. Suicides and garbage juice. Garbage juice.
That's Dua Lipa.
100%.
100%.
Oh, my God, he's got 38 minutes left. You're worse than Foley.
Local maniac out on the loose. That's not a write-up. Dude, dude, they did a thing in Delaware.
You should try improving. Hey, I'll give you an occupation later. Oh, man. Here's a suggestion. Hang it up. It's going to be a big rope.
Is it cake?
You're betting against the house.
You're on the sheet chasing dead money.
Oh, black cat.
Well, I have an email address. If you're feeble-minded.
Somebody get a 50cc of root beer. That's how you do it. I need a shower or something. Rupert wouldn't kill me. Clear. It's two Twinkies.
Got zapped.
You go hand out flyers or something?
You haven't seen me in a while. That's what your penis said.
I'm an expert. Now let me come work with you.
That guy's hilarious. He's the funniest chef I've ever seen in my life.
He's losing weight. He's a good guy. He's got good teeth. He just quit cigarettes.
That just can't go out on the main AYG channel. I'll get a strike.
This is real access cable.
What? What? What? The infomercial?
Where'd you go?
Jesus Christ. There you go.
Cut to the ad. It's a rain delay.
I drink your she-crab soup. I would have left a joke if you gave it to me as a gift. I've abandoned my jokes! We're back, baby. Whoa!
You start beating him with a bowling pin. I'm finished.
Let your boy say it. Say it.
Wrap it up.
I'm calling you. Get out. Get the fuck out of there. Tell me we're at 58 minutes.
15, gang. Okay.
I missed you.
Did you guys pack your own luggage?
Pasta for gay guys? Yeah.
Are you giving that? I will.
You're already there.
I come with my own ears just to fit in.
Are you a comedian? Let me try again. What kind of sandwich?
All right.
He's not even driving. I said left.
Direct to video.
We don't make those jokes around here anymore.
What? It's eating challenge. Yeah.
Trying to get away from the ashtray over here. This guy came rolling in like a three-alarm soot fire.
Of course. Yeah.
Closed for business.
How do you do comedy? How do you become a headliner? Seriously.
Even my dad was like, this is a fucking deal.
What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.
I have a feeling they might never be finished.
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People can add them. Oh, my sister sent these in. Mary sent those in. Literally the gift that keeps on giving. It's fantastic. I've leaned on this. I'm a bad gift giver, and I've never gotten, oh, this is exactly what I wanted, until I started giving people orange frames, and they go... I've seen these. These are so good. I was over my aunt Patty's house. She has one. You get to see the kids.
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What's the day-to-day car?
Do you have, like, even, like, the temporary registration? There's nothing on it.
So at least, like, visually, it looks like the car is registered.
Does your dad want you out? Nah.
that's awesome man it's fucking quite the life you're carving out for yourself where do you live he was with his parents not not in the cool way not in the batman house i'll tell you that i do want to say you uh following you on instagram you have inspired me to buy my first oh yeah i went back and bought the first car i ever owned yeah but You have cool. Mine's not cool. What'd you buy?
A 95 Chevy Lumina.
It's this. I bought one of these. Hell yeah. I got it like two weeks ago. It's awesome. I just drive it around.
Yeah, just as a bit.
No, 2000, probably like 2002, 2003. Hell yeah. So you're in your Lumina, you take your girl to go watch Spider-Man 1.
Sure. I'm not closing the deal by any means.
I was going to get Richard. I try and hit. That was lodged in the aftermarket head unit.
Mexican Harry Potter.
All the same pair. You'll find a pair you like.
It's a very alpha thing, the frying of the. You think so?
Every dude that ever has done it, he doesn't brag about it.
I almost burnt the fucking neighborhood down. I came back.
And you start doing match. You're like, oh, I told everybody to come at 7. And, you know, probably traffic. It's 930. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What's Christmas looking like? How many people do you have to buy presents for come Christmas?
A little bit of cash or people going like, hey.
I'm pretty sure a business manager would have a couple of issues with that poster alone.
Mm-hmm. Jesus.
What's the further, is there, obviously not into details of any kind, but has there been someone that came out asking for a loan of some kind, and you'd be like, dude, I haven't talked to you in 15, like, I get family members and friends and stuff like that, that all makes sense, and you take care of your own and everything, but has there been someone that's so far out of left field, like, dude, I haven't talked to you since elementary school?
Yeah, it gets to a point where you can't open them.
Oh, man, that's funny. That's fucking really good. One of the big things we do, what was the name of the high school you went to? We find out if you were on the notable alum on your Wikipedia page.
If you are now. What? Notable alum?
Alumni. The alumni. So, like, the famous people that went to the high school, you make the Wikipedia page.
I think we actually had people hit us up and be like, holy shit, I went there.
I didn't think anything else.
It's named after a sauce.
Yeah, I appreciate it as I've gotten older.
Yeah, ugh. To your family, you were like...
Whatever I need to get by, dude.
Okay, what do we have for notable alum? He's gotta be.
That's the one leg it brought, I think.
Married to McCartney, yeah. Long time.
I'm not meant to see it. I don't see it.
So you got the Netflix check.
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That's one of the one things that we wanted to talk to you about. You were into cars before.
He's in those Jersey Mike commercials.
You're relatively big into cars now.
Okay. Also, too, I wanted to mention we were DMing a couple weeks ago, a few months ago.
A couple days a week ago, we talked one- That was this morning! It's mostly alcohol, for being honest. I got a bit of a problem. No, you were fucking living the rockstar lifestyle with Mexican OT.
On stage, dude, he's crowd surfing at fucking festivals.
We were talking about that. I just went back and listened to the first episode. You had been to a concert that month or something. Did I? Yeah, it was very early on. Sorry. It was a concert you went to not that long ago from the last time you were here.
Yeah, I've been using Helix for about three and a half years now, probably. Every mattress I ever had, I bought at a discount from a guy on Facebook Marketplace, some bozo. It was passed down from a dead relative or something. This was the first time I slept in a bed where I went, oh, this is for me. This is changing every night of my life. It is fantastic. Best night's sleep you'll ever have.
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When we used to do, we used to handle all of our own merch for a very long time, and we were a ship station company. It takes all the headaches out for you. Bada bing, bada boom. It displays everything. People make a purchase. It organizes all the information, gives you everything you need to know. This needs to go there. This many are there. This over there. Bada bing, bada boom.
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They overcompensated.
How's the difference? Has your backstage at your shows changed at all over the last year? Do you have what's in the rider? Yeah, you put anything in there?
Well, it comes for the listener. It's like the clubs, if you're at a club, you just order. They just give you free food and drinks and whatever you want off the club menu because they're making it there, but the theaters... don't have a kitchen and a lot of times the bar is like a separate thing. So they go they go shopping for you.
Sure. So one of the things is you just posted that you did your first race.
And the hot fries.
Wait, so you're eating not Andy Capp's hot fries. You're eating other hot fries?
Damn, dude, so you'll do the flaming hot hot fries. And then the thing we skipped over is you'll put Lemon and lime on them?
Well, that's the thing. It's the same in every place you go. So you're like, ours is our manager put on gummy bears because I've mentioned that like gummy bears. And I'm like, I can't. I don't need more gummy bears.
Yeah. So it's mostly home fries.
Luke, do you have anything on that?
I can do it in five. That's crazy.
What's the idea? Throw an idea at me.
Did you have a stroke?
And have the hotels that you're staying at, have they elevated at all? Or where do you still like just like I'll hit the fucking Courtyard Marriott or whatever?
If we're, like, going somewhere.
We're like, do you let him in or do you take the card from him or whatever? I still don't know what we're supposed to do with that guy.
I stopped. We've done it a handful of times. We usually use our points. We'll cash in our points to do it. And... I'm always so awkward with the guy who's giving it to me. I'm like, just stop right here. He's like, you wouldn't need to come in. I'm like, no, no, no, I don't want you.
You're fucking HBO, Trace, whatever. You can't be staying on a couch in Astoria. Nah, I love that couch, man.
Do you have wraps here or are you going to eat some tortillas?
Man. I mean... The kid's still trash. Yeah, by through and through. What are you talking about? We have a couple... So when we have recurring guests, we have questions from the Patreon. When they join the Patreon, they'll get their questions right on the air. This one's from Clapper. Will you kiss someone else's dog on the mouth?
Sure, I understand that.
So you just got practice on the shot.
I'm the dog, motherfucker.
Can you give me the rundown of where that bet started to the car?
You did, bro? Yeah, German girl, yeah. Hell yeah, bro. Come over, we can kiss her. Let's see here. This one's just funny. This is from Jimmy Bread Bowls. Home run of a name. Is it garbage to tell people you think he got roofied after getting too drunk the night before? I've done that where I've made an ass out of myself. Someone must have slipped me something.
I'm a Bud heavy. Bud in a bottle is fucking a Bud. Old Bud in a bottle. Nothing's better.
Can you chop it up? Let me send my girl back there.
OK. And you said that hasn't happened.
Dude, my wife actually, she emptied out her savings account so we could open up our first studio. What?
Paid her back, and now she's talking about points on the back end, which is like toots.
Guys, we're off the road for a little bit, but we're doing the AYG and Friends show. They're dropping on the YouTube every month. Check them out. They're a good, good time.
Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Now let's get to the show. Get to the show.
You're playing up 10 games and you're like, he's like, fuck it. Let's go for the car.
This motherfucker's trying to get to work the next day.
Ralph's got his car.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
You're back at the game of horse.
You're playing in your driveway.
That's crazy. That's the gentleman's move. I'll give you the, hey, that got out of hand.
Jesus fucking Christ. That's crazy. That's like new rapper shit. What the fuck?
Did it come down to one shot? Do you remember the score?
It's not real. I'll be losing this again in a week.
I'm sorry to cut you off. Did you drag race as a kid? Nah. Like any of your boys or anything? No?
Like race, race, race.
You have a garage on the property?
So this is another thing. You were in your dad's house. I'm still in my dad's house.
But you built a house there as well?
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Where are the cards at? I know, I know. We can only make so many. We're trying. We're trying. Listen, I mean... I don't own a manufacturing company in China, all right? It's not easy to make these things. One day. We will. One day, if I put my mind to it, I'll be making shirts or something.
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Your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash garbage to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash garbage. Do it. Now back to the show. Back to the show. All right, this one's from Tombo. What's up, $10 homie, longtime bozo, ever been on a school bus on the highway? And I don't mean for a field trip.
I mean sitting in commuter traffic on the interstate to get to third grade.
And that was a big day. If you were going on a field trip on fucking Tuesday, you were talking about that on the Friday before being like, we're going on nine. We'll probably go down Woodhaven, get on 95.
I was in charge of logistics back then. I knew that if you were going over two hours, you got a star bus. Because they had a bathroom on them. Otherwise, all these kids would be pissing their pants. A bunch of eight-year-olds have to tie their... What's a Starbucks? That's the brand, Star, S-T-A-R-R.
Yeah, with a bathroom. Really? Yeah, if you were going more than two hours. Dude, think about it. Why would you be going more than two hours on a school day? We went to Lancaster. We went to Harrisburg. Went out there and got some pies. Huh. Watch those idiot Amish people walk around. Take pictures of them.
Yeah, we had to pay. They cost you, too. They were like 50 bucks a head. Maybe our sixth grade camping trip we took one of those.
I don't remember a lot of it, either.
All sixth graders did it, yeah. I didn't qualify.
I had flat feet. And a fat ass.
You got a gun to your head. You're like, listen, Doc, you ain't never seen shit like this. Hey, listen, buddy. I served two tours out by the buses. I've seen some shit. I took my badge away. I remember as a fat kid, I never. Nobody listening to you. No, I did. That is a hard answer.
So we had, I don't know what you guys had, but we had the, it was like a, I'd never seen anything, only the safety badge. It was an orange thing that went like that and then it went around.
No, legally not allowed to say drinking game.
I've never expressed this to another soul. I was so nervous that it was not going to fit. Starting in fourth grade. So for two whole years, I was like, man, I'd be looking. That was like my summer bod. I was trying to get my beach body. I was like, by sixth grade, I'm going to lose the weight and be able to fitness. You need a seatbelt extender for your safety strap?
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But for whatever reason, the fucking fat kid gods looked down upon thee, and they had a big box of them. I think I had tried one. Oh, I got my hands on one. I went to an Army Navy store or whatever. I probably tried my brother's on or something. And mine, for whatever, they were just going through randomly out of a box. And the one I got was slightly different and bigger. Uh-huh. And, man.
A little different shade of orange. It was.
A little lighter orange. Not that deep. Not that deep drop again that we're talking on. And, man, it clicked. Oh, how you couldn't tell me shit. And I had a great post. I was down outside the... So I was outside, so the buses come up.
I was talking, hey, no, I'm Pinkerton. He was our adopt-a-cop. Fat motherfucker.
No, but I would be cool, and I would take the cool kids didn't have it around here.
The cool kids had it around the waist.
And then let, like, the hoop drag down like a chain, kind of like a chain wall.
I did. Serpico style? I did sold off around the back. Fucking spinning around. What'd you say, punk? Get on the bus. I'm chewing gum. What'd you say? I don't want any fucking trouble today.
Which we've heard from. Put them to the test. I think now this is the third version we've done. The third edition, Kevin. Third edition of it. And we first started, we were packing them. I was literally making them and packing them ourselves. Bitney Pose we were using, weren't we? What? We were using. No, it was Stamps.com. Stamps.com. Stamps.com family.
I had a great post, dude. Because you got out of class a little early. Like ten minutes. Ten minutes. It was probably two and a half. I had to get down to my post. Cash in your pension. I had to relieve the cop who was on duty. I'm sitting in an old Monte Carlo like a steak. I got a cup of coffee on the dash.
But I was right next to the buses. So when my bus pulled up, 73 Purple or whatever it was, I would be the first guy on the bus.
First of all, I was 10. I'm talking about a good leader. I was fucking 10 years old. I helped all the little kids get on a bus. Hey, get on there.
Probably going to their lunches. Your sister has a nice car. Sister is asking about me. Tell her I got a good job, good post. 20 years, good money, son. Yeah, we could go move the boat or something.
I remember praying, praying that that fucking band would fit for years.
I was so nervous. I imagine, like, future Kippy coming in and, like, it's like a 30-year-old Kippy handing you the belt. John Connor. You're good, kid.
We didn't really mess with the pennies. We got lucky. You look like 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag wearing a penny. Tough, because it would pull up your teeth. It rides up, yeah. No good.
I can't be going down to the squad room smelling like a bum's nutsack.
But, yeah, big busty. Loved it. Couldn't tell me shit. That was the coolest thing to me, being a busty. Having a job. I always just wanted a job. Go to work with my dad. I was on a shutdown. I was working at a hotel. Did I ever tell you that? I was about 10 years old. I may be younger. I got a new pair of jeans. It was around Christmas time. I got a new pair of jeans. I never told you this.
I got a new pair of carpenter jeans. I thought I was in the union. And me and his boy Jerry. Got a Hello Kitty pen stuffed in the. Me and his boy. I have brand new work boots. And they had to do a shutdown. They had to replace a tee or something. Replace a fitting.
Okay. Overnight. Was it active? Yeah. But you got to do that overnight. Active crime scene? You got to do that overnight. Uh-huh. Drove downtown. Coolest thing. I got a coffee. Hit the Wawa like 8 p.m. Got a coffee. French vanilla. At 10? What? At p.m.? No, you were 10 years old? Yeah, I was doing a French vanilla. I was trying to machine hit the Wawa.
And now we're working with somebody that does them for us. But this is the third one. Get them while supplies last. They go quick, gang. Love you. And also, they'll lead to a lot of fights, I've heard, at family parties. Very nice. You start playing. Listen, you're a fan of the show. You think it's funny. You buy a deck.
Or as my dad called it, go get your foo-foo drink.
You can't give a kid 10-year-old coffee at 8 o'clock at night.
Also, you're missing the point. I was going down to work. I was going down to work with fucking pipe fitters.
Clearing tunnels like Vietnam.
Save my chicken fingers for me. I'll be back in about an hour.
That was just hot chocolate to us. That's coffee. I'm not listening. The 90s were a wild time.
Since 1996, I'm going to work. I'm going to work a shutdown. I can't pay time in a half.
No, I think he picked me up at my mom's. I just wanted to work. That was cool. What are you talking about? Was it a school night? I don't think. Maybe. Probably dragging ass at the bus stop tomorrow. It probably was. Maybe I had off or something. I don't know. I got dressed. I remember he picked me up. I remember he picked me up. It was dark and cold as shit.
Um... Yeah, no, I... Yeah, I don't know. I went down. It was me, him, and this dude Jerry that worked for him. And we had to take out a huge fucking... It was like a water main. We had to take out a huge 90 or put in a new fucking... A new valve or something. And I remember... I remember my boots were too clean. They were brand new Timbs or something. They weren't Timbs. Brand new fucking...
Boots, you know? Oshkosh, I would assume. Yeah, you're probably not. As a 10-year-old. You're probably not wrong. And I was trying to make them dirty so I fit in with the other fucking, the other construction workers. I was there like scruffing them up with like a file or whatever, you know what I mean?
Be like, yeah, you know, it's just working at the city hall and they fucking, you know, work's never done there. I'm down here at the new Comcast building, yeah.
How you guys doing? Yeah. I remember just being in the basement of this fucking hotel downtown. For, you know, until 7 a.m. or whatever. Well, that sounds safe. That's where I learned my work ethic. And I remember they gave either my dad or the guy Jerry a parking ticket. Sons of bitches. And that's when I heard. That was like a guy down here trying to earn a fucking living.
You go to, you know, your Nana's 90th birthday party and start calling her a dirtbag. She don't like it. All right? I've heard she ain't a fan of it.
You guys know I'm on the job, right? I think that's when shit started going south for me. Life ain't hard enough. They got to get rid of your fucking parking ticket. Down here earning an honest living, trying to pay child support. Got alimony. You have to fucking pay taxes.
Two weeks, no pay. Yeah, I just wanted a job. So being a safety was like, finally my dad was proud of me. I started working. I started working at, I guess I was 12. And he would pay me because I was working. I made $5 in tips a night, Thursday night, Santa Palato. He'd break me off for like a 10 or a 20, like, hey, you're working, you're a good kid, there you go.
That was probably prime Slim Fast and pretzel kippy, too. I was going home. Going on a tear. Denise wasn't home. She's working second or third shift. Put your gun up in the cabinet so the kids don't get it. Sit down. Shut up, dude. Screaming at my brother and sister. Must be nice just to go to fucking school and not have to work. Trying to watch TRL. Slug of Cuddy Stark.
Watch the new Marshall Mathers fucking video. Oh, golly gee willikers. Okay, kid.
Mm-hmm.
This one, this is from Wraith Leota. Is it garbage or rip a heater while you're praying? You are not praying to me. I could be wrong. You ain't going. That's not an Our Father. That's for the love of God. Please hope my breath doesn't smell like booze. That's what that is. Yeah. That's for the love of God. I hope my warrants are cleared up or whatever.
All right, this one's from Kippy's Holy Socks, which I never addressed publicly. On the Patreon, when we were in Austin, apparently I had a hole in my sock, and I had my feet up on the coffee table, and I got ridiculed.
Hans. He gets the socks. They're rolled up. I just pick them up. I don't look. I throw them out. And then when I'm looking, I don't fucking, I mean, I'm sure I, listen, if I'm putting my socks on and I'm already dressed and I see like a hole in my sock, that's still going on. Especially if I got one on already. Sure. That's going on. I'm with you. I don't know what to tell you.
Is it garbage to move back in with your dad at age 40 when he just remarried his new wife who is 38? She cannot love that. So you got to figure, let's say the dad's 20 years older. So the dad's, you know. Give me 65. I'll give you 65.
I would assume maybe that the dad has some money, but then why doesn't the kid have, like, if the dad had money, I'd go, buddy, you're not moving in, me speaking, personally.
I'll get you on your feet. You know what I mean? Or if there's enough money that there's somebody who's gold digging.
Right.
38's not really gold digging, though. No. That's like, hey, I just fucking like you. Sure. You know? It's not like she's 21 and he's fucking 65.
So... Um... Yeah, I mean, one, that's garbage. That's a tough look, dude. I would, you know... Hopefully you got a basement with a second entrance or something. There you go. Fucking getting a little bit of space. I don't know your relationship with your dad. I don't know your relationship with her, but she cannot be thrilled about that.
Yeah, maybe she's like, I got a homie my age here. This guy is fucking snoozing at 5.30 p.m., eating prunes all day. I got, you know. Yeah, that might be a bad situation. Well, I'm not saying anything. I'm just saying. That's how your videos start. All right, let's see. This is from Jess B. $10 homie.
Is it garbage that I had my pregnancy announcement at Dollar Beer Night because my whole family is already there and it's just easier? Your whole family's getting together for Dollar Beer Night. That's a good family. That is a knock around good. There's some beefs. Uncle Dan don't like Uncle Steve. Steve Jr. They don't talk. Something. There's. You're hanging out at Dollar Beer Night.
That's a fucking bumpy family, but they fucking, they're thick as thieves. They're in it together. I respect that. Yeah. Hey, we'll fucking put this all aside. I'll go. We're just not hanging out.
Yeah. I mean, a family that drinks together does not come out unscathed. Nobody's getting drunk at Dollar Beer. I mean, if you're consistently at Dollar Beer Night. There's a problem. Do I got to spell it out for you?
I mean, I drink with everybody in my family a lot.
Hey, just taking shots. Now, Uncle Dan, pick up the tab, huh? No, I would assume they're Irish or Polish. The Polish like a cocktail. They do. But, yeah, that's good. That's all right. I mean, I respect it. I respect the family dynamics. That's all I know, and I appreciate that. I've learned to appreciate it in my elder life. Now, where's this dollar beer night shot?
Man, nothing's fucking better than dollar beers. It's like... That's draft, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Bud Light. I mean, when I was in college, a lot of college bars were doing it. Dollar beers. That's different, yeah. Dollar Bud Light bottles, the one place used to do. That's pretty good bottles. Yeah. And we'd go up because there'd be like 10 of us.
It'd be packed. And we'd be in like a back corner of the table. And somebody's like, I'm going to get beers. And at this point, you're like, you're doing... You're double fit. Everybody's just fucking. Getting fucked up. Because you got two hours to get these in. You know what I mean? They go back to fucking $4.50 afterwards. And listen, I ain't got it. I told you. I only had a 10 on me.
Spent $5.50 on a chicken parm. So they would give us cases. They'd keep a case for it. So you'd go like, hey. And they'd go, yeah, it's $24. You order 24 beers. Because by the time you take everybody's order, one guy's going up. It's impossible to get to the front because it's packed. You're going, I need 18 beers or whatever. So we'd just get a case, and they would just hand you. You'd walk back.
Like a Hulk? It would still be unopened. Instead of him picking up 20 beers. Was it cold? Yeah. Wow. Instead of him going, like, here you go, here you go, here you go, opening 20 beers. He's like, fucking just take it. That's pretty good. I trust you guys. You're in the back. That's. That was the coolest I've ever felt in my life. Shout out to, I think it was called the, not the draft.
It was the Pub Web, it was called. That's the spot that plays ball. They had just opened. And we went in kind of early.
I don't know if they're still open.
PubWeb, Temple's Campus. Probably on Cecil B. Moore Street. Cecil B. Moore. Cecil B. Moore. That's how they used to say it on the subway.
Two B's?
No, one B. Cecil B. Moore. You don't know who Cecil B. Moore is?
No, no, no. PubWeb. Two B's.
Yeah, Pub Web.
Still banging.
Yeah. Whoa. What kind of specials they banging out there? We should go down. Everybody, I probably get a hero's welcome when I come back there.
Menu highlight, Their Wings. That's the name of the wings.
Their Wings.
Their Wings.
Are they banging any promo, any beer promo?
They used to do comedy. They started doing comedy there, I heard. There was, like, an upstairs. But there wasn't one I saw. We went in. It was, like, their first night open. The guy's like, yeah, we just opened. It was empty. So we got, you know. Familiarized yourself. Got nice with the bartender. I remember playing 7-Eleven doubles on the bar. There was, like, three people in there.
That's what you got to do. You got to get your foot in the door. Yeah. Then it got hot. Then they started the dollar beer night. But I'm old hat.
I've been here for three days.
What do you got, Luke? Anything fun coming up? It seems like they classed up the joint. I don't know if they're doing dollar beers anymore.
$7 cheesesteaks on Fridays.
That's probably pretty good for Philly nowadays. $7 cheesesteak on Friday to get you in early, go in there for the lunch.
Taco Tuesday, $5 taco basket. I like the sound of that. That ain't bad. Love a bar taco.
Yeah, I love all bar food.
And you get a drink with purchase.
Oh, look at that. Look at that. Four cheesesteaks, four beers, let's go. Run it back, daddy-o. Dollar cheesesteak, mate. All right, this one's from Kippy Pulled the Goalie. $20 sucker here, never had one read. Is it garbage if you and your buddy are politely asked not to come back to the Boy Scouts because our dads brought a cooler, a beer, and a TV to watch the World Series on an overnight trip?
This is about 1995, had rabbit ears going in the woods. That's fucked up. I mean, listen. The beers I get. No. I'm fine with all of it. I get why you weren't allowed back.
I gotta be honest with you. Dad's drinking in the woods, bringing the TV out. The guy listens to the show now. They made the right call. I mean, I'm assuming the apple don't fall too far from the tree. You know what I mean? Also, who knows, buddy? You might have dodged a couple of bullets. Yeah, no kidding. Might be involved in a class action lawsuit. Can't miss the World Series. Yeah.
I mean, you know, I don't know why, but I feel like this is in Chicago for some reason. Yeah. It's the fucking Cubbies or something. For sure. It's some diehard legacy team where you're like, I can't.
I know, but they're supposed to be learning how to start a fire.
Get the hot dogs going. Throw the goddamn game on. I'm on your fucking side here. Listen, I'm on your side. But they got to do, like, the basket. They got to do all kinds. They got to earn their badges out there. It's not recreational. Learn it. It's educational. Got money on the game. I never got the Boy Scouts, ever. Me neither. My mom was like, no way. I, like, pitched it at one point.
She was like, oh, you get a pocket knife and a whatever. You know? She was like, nah. I didn't get it.
Pulled my butt apart. Mustache and a little chest hair. This one's just cute. This is from Uncle Soppy. Is it garbage in our seven-year-old talks? Garbage speaks. She always calls her little brother bonkos or screwballs. Also asks for a screaming Mimi when she wants a cold Sprite. Listen, you got a good kid on your hands there. That's all I got to freaking say about that. Screaming Mimi.
All right, let's see. This one's from Cody. $10 afternoon farmer. I forgot about afternoon farmer. I... Ever made a day out of going to the airport to watch the planes land? Jesus. I get that, though.
3434.
You got to play that. We were a 3134 family for a very long time. Why? My stepdad's race car numbers. Wait, would that ever come up? Oh, no. But that's why when I play roulette, I play 31 and 34. Ah, there you go. He's at the big Flemington Raceway in the sky. There's his helmet right there. That guy's a goddamn amateur local race car driver.
Also, too, I think the access was a lot more unfeathered back then than it is now.
Sure, I think it's arguably cooler, especially if you got a kid. Say you like trains or whatever. Say you got a kid who likes planes. What? I do like trains. I said you like, too. I didn't even include the present tense. I do like trains. I know. It'd be weird if you just went to the fucking subway and just started staring at them. I like subway. I like real trains.
Go tell a subway conductor that I ain't in a real fucking train. Union Pacific, Canadian Pacific, the Santa Fe.
Either way. I mean, you're talking toys. What if a kid likes playing? Also, if you go to a small airport, watch the Cessnas all day long. That's probably pretty cool.
Get a little more... There was one by my dad's. There was an airport by my house my dad rented when they first got divorced that was like next to the road. I mean, it was like a landing strip. A little crop duster. And they had the telephone poles with the – remember the balls on them? Like the big red ball, the big yellow ball?
It looked like a beach ball on the telephone pole because that was like they'd come in fucking – that let them know that there was wires there. Oh. And I remember you would see planes land and take off from like – I mean, me to Luke. No fucking fence, no nothing. Pretty sick. Yeah, it was sick as shit. Every time we drove by, I was like... Had my fucking head out the window looking for one.
Mm-hmm. There was the arm... I mean, there was the armory on... I mean, we just talked about this.
That was the best. The armory on the boulevard. The fucking tank. Some tank or some... They had just fucking big Humvees. Those big, like, water... Just everything...
I remember we went to go to a boxing match one time at the Armory.
I was mad young. There was like an amateur boxing match.
No, it was me, my dad. It was like a boxing match. Yeah.
That's crazy. Doug the Head. From Snatch. Yeah. Is he Gary the Nose? Dude, I'm boxing. It's a great pull.
I mean, I don't think it was sanctioned. I mean, I don't think Dana White was there or nothing. But, yeah, it was like an amateur box. See if they had, you know, like an amateur boxing match.
Roy Jones Jr. fought there in 2013. Oh.
There you go. All right. But we couldn't get in. The tickets were bunkers. We had big tickets. He couldn't get in. It was pouring rain. Private night tonight, chaps. Come on, I got my kid here. Just let us the fuck in. But it was like, it was my dad, me, my brother, another guy, my brother. Like, my brother, you know what I mean? It was like a group of kids and dads and kids.
Yeah. I mean, we would sit at the office and drink beers before everybody left. It was great.
There was Sam, Greg.
He's smoking a heater. If I know him, he's got a heater cranked. A Winston soft pack.
God, Kevin.
Uh, yeah, it was Sam Gray. I mean, it was all just dudes.
jerry jimmy and jerry they were connected at the hip surprise jerry surprise jimmy wasn't on the job with us jerry and jimmy were at the hip and i would love to say all their last names because they're all just such philly dirtbag names but i don't you know i haven't talked to these guys in 30 years i feel like there's a kazalowski in there somewhere that's a lot it's a lot of that kind of you know it's a lot of the names you would go
They were inseparable, Jimmy and Jerry.
But, yeah. All right. But we didn't get in. So then we forgot. We didn't get into the fights. So we went to not Georgine's. Georgine's is where the comedy works is. Giro's down there. It's closed now. I've mentioned Giro's before. It was like an independent Fridays. Oh, frigging right. It's where my dad. Never mind. We'll get there. This is a Dan Senior, a heavy Dan Senior episode.
It's a family show. All right, this one's from Ethan. Never have one read. Is it garbage if I owe the tollway $2,500 slot? Shit. I switch vehicles pretty often, so they haven't been able to deny my registration yet at the tax office. That's fucking crazy. Holy fuck. I mean.
$2,500.
I vote more. I vote that. Jesus. When the show is happening. Yeah, when this show is happening, I vote that. Because during COVID, they waived it, and I didn't have easy pass. They waived it as in... They waived tolls.
Yeah, because not everything was E-ZPass. And then I would have to pay cash because I didn't have E-ZPass.
I kind of let that roll for a year and a half or whatever. Yeah. Then they started sending in registration suspension notices, and I started crying. I cried like a baby back bitch.
Sure, that was big. And I used to sell those lottery tickets at the Acme. And, man, they would come in. That's a whole language, and it took me a while to learn. The 34, 34, 30. They'd come in, and they'd talk to you like you've been doing it, but I just started there. Hey, let me get 34, 39, boxing straight, daily pick number. And you're like, fuck you.
Yeah. Well, that was when you'd get like a fucking registration cancellation, staring down the barrel like a $2,200 charge. And I was making, I don't know, $1,200 a month? Had to cover rent? I think my wife made that one. She's a good girl. Getting her pregnancy at least I can do.
Real class act you are. All right, this one's from Mallory. $10 investor, never have one read. Is it classy or trashy after you were born, your grandmother rented the town prom limo to bring you and your parents home from the hospital? That's a good time. I don't think you can put a car seat in a limo, can you? Yeah. I guess in the back. All the way in the front. No. In the back.
I don't think there's seatbelts in the front.
Like breastfeeding.
Which were you breastfed or bottle fed? I don't know. I'd have to ask Patty. I don't know what I was either. I don't know what they were doing in the 70s and 80s.
I don't know why you're looking at me.
I don't know nothing about it. I'm sure you can. I might not be advised at all times, but I'm sure you can do it.
Yes, it's possible and often recommended to combine both.
Okay. Why aren't we taking our lactation methods advice from Henry Foley? Oh, you can't do that. I saw it in a movie one time.
It gets in your beard.
I get that one currently. So maybe that's it. Could be. You know, I don't know. God damn it. All right. This one's from Brie Nutter Butter and Jelly. This is this. Listen, I've seen a lot of dirt bag moves. I try to help out my friends when I can. Letters of recommendation. I'll flub a W2 or whatever to get someone an apartment or whatever.
And I would print up tickets, and you can't undo those tickets. I'm sure you can now, but back in the day, I had to buy the tickets at the end. Someone had to buy the tickets at the end of the day.
That's how I operate.
And listen, I think if you're a dirtbag and you have dirtbag friends, you need to fucking unite and help each other when you can to fight against demand.
No problem. I haven't done a job reference in quite a long time, but that's got to be hard to do Now? Now, everything's just Google. You can't make up a place. And also the number, they could just call the number. Hey, I worked at fucking Garbanzo's on 2nd Street. And if that doesn't exist, they can find that out immediately.
If it does exist, they can just Google it and have the real number to Garbanzo's. Not a 312 number or something like that. 1-800. 1-800. I'm lying to you. That sucks. All right. But here it is. Write this down. This is great. Corporate life hack to help your homies. Okay. I've been pretty successful in my career.
So for my old team members, people who used to work with or his boys or anybody, you know, hourly people, whatever. Gotcha. Gotcha. His extended crew. Once a year or so, I use my position to write them offer letters with promises of more money. They take that to their current boss, different companies, whatever, and ask. Hold on.
They take that to their current boss and ask if their company can match the offer. Should the company not be able to match, my homies just tell them after a few days, I decided to stay with you out of loyalty, which usually results in some sort of pay increase. Mind fucking blown.
Dude, that's solid. You're a dirtbag of the year. That is fucking amazing. Letting the boys wet their beaks. And it don't cost him nothing.
Hey, listen, I'm making $50,000 a year. I just got an offer for $60,000. I love you. I love working here. I love the Colt. Love the whatever. Just want to give you guys the option to match it. I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I just want to let you know this is that.
The daily number. They used to read it like three times a day. Nine at lunchtime and at dinnertime. The four. What's it called? The pick four. Pick four.
We can't get to 60. We can do 57.5. Perfect. You know what? Dude, that's so sick.
That's on Garbanzo's letterhead. It's his name. It's technically a real offer.
It's not like they're just making that up. That's awesome. That's so good, dude. I mean, like, proper... Who is this guy? Uh... This is... I think it's a woman. I mean, Bree... Bree Nutter Butter and Jelly is the name. I'm gonna have to get Bree in here. That's pretty good. That's... I mean... That's genius level.
Everybody should... If you could do that, if you own a garage... If you can do it at any... What is...
Yeah, because you kind of go in with your tail between your legs a little. Not between, but like, hey, listen, I don't, I'm not, this isn't, I'm not demanding this. I'm just saying, hey, I have an offer letter. I was out golfing with so-and-so. He liked me. I got this offer.
No, not at all. I was, I was, I remember that golf tournament I went to with the O'Briens from, you know, and Jerry and Jimmy.
Yeah.
As you know, I used to work there. I used to work at Garbanzo's. They're trying to poach me back. I'm just giving you the heads up. I love it here. You know, I'd like to give you the offer to match it or get close because I love what I do. I'm not sure what I'm doing, but, like, I just want to, you know, unless you suck at your job and they go, get the fuck out of here.
I just got approached.
Because those jackpots were like nine grand, ten grand.
Andrew Schultz just hit me up.
Expect my.
I would love to see you try. Mr. Ryan D. Ryan D. Enterprises.
Shout out to Bree.
That's amazing. What a fucking way. We got to wrap it up. What a way to end it. Take that and fucking rip off corporate America if you can. That's a goddamn home run. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.
Love that. It's just like, it's so funny when you think about it. It's just like old bookie shit. You know what I mean? It's like, they're just running numbers and pumping dope. That's all the PA lottery.
I never understood how they just got one ball up there. That blew my... I would watch that like that was NASA technology. Big technology. Uh-huh. How you could fix that. Uh-huh. How you could know. I don't think you can. I mean, maybe you can.
Throw holy water at you.
You just won a new car. You've never won, right? The lottery? Yeah. Nah. I played scratchers when we were on a road out there in the Midwest. I believe in Wisconsin.
What do you mean?
Well, I wasn't going to scratch them in a car, a brand new car. That's how you get all the fucking dust all. I did them in my whatever room before we left Wisconsin, my hotel room before we left Wisconsin.
I think if one of the openers or Lukey or Ryan Dees wins, I'm not taking their money. Luke's maybe fucking Dempsey group.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But listen, if we were all playing. You owe me six bucks. Hold on. If we were all playing, that'd be one thing. But I'm the only one that ponied up 50 bucks for five $10 tickets. Nobody else is fucking. So what? I risk everything and everybody gets the reward? No, thank you. That's communism. All right? This is America. We practice capitalism.
Put your money on the table. You want to enter the game? You want to buy $50 worth of scratchers? We can do that. But I ain't the only one buying scratchers to split my fucking prize. With my personal money, by the way. I tried to do it on a company card, but I got fucking nixed. That's content. We're shooting content. We should do it on a company card.
That way we could write it off or something like that. Listen, I tried. That's when I realized I didn't have my company card, which I still cannot find, by the way. Great. I thought it was in here.
No, I froze it this morning. This morning. That was like two weeks ago. How about a busy couple of weeks? What do you want? My wife's pregnant. What do you want from me? Congratulations. Thank you. All right. Let's frigging get into it here. Okay. This is from Anthony. Our $10 homie here never had one ride. Kid can't spell. What's our thoughts on paying the restaurant bill in all cash?
We know about tipping in cash is classy, but what about paying the entirety of the bill in cash? I recently went out to eat with my family for my mom's birthday, and I paid a $350 tab in all 20s and 10s. Felt like the waiter was looking at me like I sold drugs. Left a $50 tip, though. How you doing? Give me that $350 bill, $50 tip. I think that's under 20%. Yeah. Antony, what are you doing?
There you go.
It's a long way to go to find out Anthony's a cheap son of a bitch. Don't fucking do anything. I think you're a great guy, and I'm happy you never had one ride.
All right, you're moving the goalposts, which I allow you to do. But you said the best restaurants in the world or the country or wherever are Don't take reservations or cash. I'd have to push back on you.
Just the best restaurants we go to that we really enjoy, that we think are the best. Take reservation. They definitely take credit cards. A lot of old school. Dude, I haven't paid cash in a fucking restaurant building cash in fucking 10 years.
Okay, so that's changed.
So, Anthony, fuck that guy. Listen, I do get what... The 10s and 20s. This is what it's saying. You're just arguing a different point. 10s and 20s is a tough look. 10s are bad.
10s are the... Or somehow more crackhead than a 5. Because a 5 means you had money before and had to break. You can get a 10 out of an ATM. That's a tough one. That's crazy. But I used to have to find ATMs that did 10s. Shout out to 17th and Diamond in North Philly. I would go take out $10 and spend $5.50 on a chicken cheesesteak, salt and pepper on the fries, Papi. And a large Diet Pepsi.
That's where my love affair for Diet Pepsi started.
Yeah. Pack of heaters. Maybe I get you halfway to a pack. If I had another dollar left over from before.
That's a pack of heaters. Probably $5.50 back in the day.
How do you want this? That's math I can't do quick.
Yeah, it'll just give it to, yeah, I know. But like, it's like, do you want, I had to take out a guy, I had to pay someone off the books. Luke? No, I just, somebody, what are you talking, what are you in my business for? Was it me? Doing a comedy bit here. Let's go. And I had to take out a couple hunch. Mm-hmm.
And that was like, I, because I don't like walking around with hundreds because you can't use them for nothing. Mm-hmm. My cash is tips to people. Mm-hmm. A five here, there, 20 here, he done, he done, he done. Fucking Henry Hill all of a sudden. Chicken parmesan. Keep them coming. But I was paying somebody $200. I wanted to give them hundreds. That's a gentleman's bill. Hundreds. Hundreds. Sure.
Tens are grime time. But isn't it funny that.
Isn't it funny. New shirts coming soon. Grime time.
I know, but I don't think you're not just taking out $15. Sure. You're taking out a couple hundred, because now I think it's more appointment. Before, you used to have to have cash. Now people are going, oh, shit, I don't have any cash. I need... $70 to give to my roommate. So they're letting you get that $70. Right. Before you're going, I just need cash. I'll go break it, but whatever.
Now it's going, come here, get cash, because we'll give you exactly what you're looking for, because nobody just needs $80. You need $75.
I don't know. A piece of hair? Something. Freak show. What do you mean? I got a piece of hair in my mouth. I trimmed my pubes earlier. That sucked my dick. Wet my, call that wet my whistle.
This guy's all over me today. You're like Brian Scalabrini. Softening the reed. What? You know, on the saxophone. Sure. I'll throw you music levers out there.
I think it's in my microphone. Okay. Anthony, great question. Yeah, listen, I like painting cats. I do agree that if you want to come, like, listen, paint what? It's America. That's legal tender. Pay in fucking pennies. That's a dickhead move, but that's your legal right as an American. Okay. I would—10s is a tough look. As you know, that's why he wrote in. If you can, level up. Hey, 100s.
What's up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Now full video available on Spotify. And also, the 2025 RU Garbage card game is on sale right now. Go over to RUGarbage.com and get them while supplies last. It's a limited run, and they're going to be moving some units. They go quick, and then everybody's bitching.
You know, whatever. If you can.
Give him the 10s. Fuck that guy. He's getting the cash.
What'd they say?
20s are good now. You need 20s. I'm a 20s and 5s guy.
Kempi, you see this? We got this Route 66 special dropping.
That's too intellectual for us. Dude. We were straight punch buggy. Sure.
When my dad was driving, you couldn't put the light on in the car because the car would explode. Sure. And you couldn't put the visor down to block the sun. He would freak out. It's, dude, I do it now because the wife, dude, I lose.
I remember I was in the car with my aunt one time, and she took it and pulled it over to the window. I'm like, she's going to fucking kill us. What the fuck are you doing? My uncle went to look like, what the fuck? I can't. You're in my blind spot. All right, let's get into the cues here. Yes. We reached out to the homies, road trip stories. Let's see what we got.
That grandfather was furious. Let me tell you something. I don't know if you're too young to remember those police scanners.
My Uncle Red would sit in the kitchen with a couple of beers just listening to what's going on. Man, and the radar detectors. Those things never worked. Everybody thought they were hot shit with them. Those things suck. Sure.
Kind of look like a Zach Morris phone. Gang, the show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yeah. Calling all you screwballs out there. Get yourself together. I'm all banged up. I'm crazier than a $2 bill. I got into talk therapy. If you're having issues, do yourself a favor.
Get over there to BetterHelp because they can help, and they just might have a specialist that you don't have in your area, and you can do it from the privacy of your own home.
Nah, not everywhere. I'm working on it. It takes time. And it don't got to be something life-changing. It could be something small that you're working through. Or you could have some unresolved trauma or whatever you're dealing with. You don't know what's going on. Better help, man.
Red carpet, whole nine yards.
Dang, did you know it's possible to get federally legal THC shipped right to your door? I'm dead serious. We're talking about mood. I remember a time when if I wanted weed, I had to go down here, go to the sketchy neighborhood, get this, that, the other thing. Cop a bag. Not anymore.
Sure. A couple of beer, a couple of sandwich trays. Do a stained carpet. Got that ready to go. This carpet's bad news. We couldn't be more excited for this, gang. We are so proud of the Route 66 tour. As you know, we started in Chicago. We went all the way to Los Angeles. 11 days, nine shows, eight cities, the boys on the bus, all the behind-the-scenes stuff.
Mood delivers premium 100% federally legal THC right to your door, and you can get 20% off your first over at mood.com slash garbage with promo code garbage.
Dude, if we get the van.
We need a CB. We need a scrambler. We need a... 400.
I'm not going to get approved for that.
A scrambler, a radar detector, and a police scanner. Okay.
We can get a fine one for $100. There you go. You know what would be sick, too? We get a dish on the top of this thing.
So what? I want a dish.
Anytime I saw one of those in, like, somebody's office or something like that, all right, we're going to get out of here. Sure.
Pocket knife and a scrambler.
It'd be cool if we did an FBI training, like how to do the spin outs and stuff like that. Oh, like tactical drive. Oh, in the van? Yeah. I'm not rolling that thing. First of all, we got to get approved for it. That's where we're going to be in. What? We'll be in that. You got to train on the thing you're in so you can do the... You're not driving this thing. I didn't say I was.
Stopping along the way, just getting a sense of Of what we call America. A little Americana, man. A little slice of the Forgotten Highway out there. Jesus Christ.
It was to nice families. I'm not talking about those smashing grab jobs you see on TikTok. I'm talking about something elegant. Coming in the middle of the night. You got the thing. You knock out the wall. You go in. Bing, bang, boom. Thomas Crown Affairs. Yeah, you know. Forget about it. Put a nice tux on. Steal the Mona Lisa. I get stuck under the door.
We'd be busted.
No mayo on that.
Yeah. I don't think that's ever happened. Yeah, it happened to us at a 4th of July party. We were acting up in the backseat, and we were driving to my buddy dad's. My buddy dad? My dad's buddy scow's place. What a name. Jesus Christ. We were driving there. That was like the party house. We were driving over there, 4th of July. My brother and I both had lice at the time.
Why are you going to a party? You got fucking lice. It was kind of like coming to the end of it or something like that.
You can't be bringing lice. All the kids had lice back then. But we didn't make it because we started screwing around in the back seat. My mom was like, should we go or should we not go? And we were driving over there and we started trouble. So I had to get... My mom brought us back to the house.
brought me up to the bathroom and started doing that comb, that lice comb, and she was not being tempted. Sure. And I heard the fireworks going off outside. Sucked.
Kid made moves back then. My fault I was closing it. Cracking dingers at the Little League Park, you know what I mean? Brought in the snack shop, wanted a piece of the kid. Uh-huh. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, they turned it around. But usually that was all bullshit. You know, if you got far enough away, that's when you start, hey, you going to turn around, dickhead? Huh? You going to turn around?
There was never a situation where one of you did something and they had the fucking, or was it just like ping pong? What do you mean? Like, let's say Danny did something. Would he get yelled at by your mom and then yelled at by your dad? They never came together?
She stopped trying at some point and was like... Was there ever a point after the divorce where you came home and he was there? Because I would shit my pants.
Dad has a little more whatever. But as a recently divorced mom. You're speaking from experience. With you two in the backseat, I mean, dude, that probably. There was probably moments where she felt helpless.
Stopping by the woods on a snowy evening. Sure.
I was too young. That's fun, though. I used to love hanging out with the broads when I was a kid. I didn't know what they were talking about. My Aunt Mary Catherine would take me over to bingo on a Wednesday night. All the Werthers and Salem 100s. I could get in my system.
The woods on a snowy evening? Stopping by the pizza joint after a couple of beers is more like it. What, nothing on that? Corn ball. You don't like a slice late night, fatty? Mr. Vodka Slice over here.
What the fuck? That's crazy. Nuts. What'd you spend on gas? Gas had to be at least 100.
You got to drive. So that means he had to leave. Either he left two days early or he missed a couple of days. Man, if my whole family was at Disney World and we left at the same time, I'd be hot-footing it down there. I'd fucking miss the Magic Kingdom or something like that like an asshole. Talk about jammed the fuck up, dude.
It's always a bad look when you have to not use your car. It's not going to make it. It's okay if I take that.
I think our second longest was going in a caravan. It was even crazier. My cousin graduated from a school in North Carolina who were all driving down there for the graduation. I had gotten in... This was my junior year of high school. I had gotten in serious trouble towards the end of the wrestling season. Like, I almost got kicked out of school. Like, it was a problem.
And they put me in the car, just me with my Uncle Frank, who... I honestly gave... That's brutal. It was just me and him in a Lincoln Town car.
He was like the enforcer of the family. Very funny, but very quiet. But when we were kids, it was very... He was like an ex-teacher. He was a teacher and all that kind of stuff. So you couldn't get away with any of the bullshit. You get away with the other parents. And man, I didn't know they were doing it. I was like, all right, here we go. Dude, I got my gummy bears.
Guys, we're going to share cassettes, right? I'm jammed up at school. I think it kind of blows over, and then I see this black Lincoln pull up, and I'm like, oh, what's Uncle Frank doing here? And my dad's like, his wife got out of the car, got in my mom's car, came in, and he's like, you're going to drive down with your Uncle Frank. Dude, I felt like lefty. I took my rings off.
I swear to God, dude. You know I love you, right? You're kissing everybody on the cheek. I gave myself a 50-50 chance of getting back. I thought we were going to pull off and give me the Adriana special. He didn't say a word till after DC. And then it was like... You shit your pants, kid. It was like, so what happened at school? And man, I got the scary riot act all the way down there. Sure.
Man, I was hanging out on my mom's hips when I got there.
That's the exact situation. What? Your dad didn't take his own car. He took his buddy's. Was the buddy with you's?
Dude, try to get across. We might have been mulling. I don't know. Try to get across the border of license and registration. This is the 90s. Here's the thing. It's not registered to me.
They don't ask you whose car it is?
Because that's tough to explain.
My dad notoriously got lost every trip.
Road sooties?
Hey, got Sam's Pizza down there, Dad? There were those road trips that I didn't understand. Like, I remember being like, why the fuck are we going here? Some flea market somewhere? Some state fair? Some shit like that? That sucked. Sure. Like, what are you doing, man? Yeah. Catch a goddamn Goonies is out. What's going on? Catch the 1230.
That was the first time going from Philly to New York that I drove. I think it was Route 1.
To the bridge.
It seemed like hours. There's lights every five minutes. Get on the goddamn highway. It's crazy. It's the middle of the night. What are we doing here?
They get six on bump two. Just enough to get. They might need that cash. That was all of our capital at the time. Sure. We did have a little bribe money. Uh-huh. In case the local sheriff.
Yeah, $300. Yeah, $300.
I'll headline. You feature. He'll host.
That's right. When we first started the tour, we couldn't do it because we only had debit cards.
Kip, you know five hour energy? Oh, I know them. Well, now they got one hour energy, baby. We're talking about a tiny bottle, big energy. Gang, spring is coming. You're going to need that little extra pep in your step as the sun stays out a little longer. One hour energy is the trick, baby. Get on it.
That's a bad part of town. Another week on that bus, you'd have been talking like a hillbilly.
Four hours? No, no, that's got to be eight. You got to map out the GameStops. You got to map out the Walmarts. Man, that's a road trip right there.
Holy shit. Yeah. That's pretty good.
Also, you never know. You get some nerd behind the counter at the GameStop. I'll take it.
Sonic's in there. Later.
Me and my boy Tommy Dufresne in college drove down to Virginia in his Citation. I don't even know what that is. Ford? Yes. A Ford Citation. Maybe Chevy Citation. Rough. Oh, my. Yeah, to meet these girls. And we went down there.
I've never seen the sun come up over the Hoover Dam.
We had a bag of weed and we had maybe like 20 bucks on us. And on the way back, we had spent all of our money. So we just got to the tolls and we're like, hey, we have no money. They made us fill out some form. They take your driver's license. Never heard of it. Yeah. Wherever that got mailed to. I don't know.
It ain't on me to do your. That's a scam. That's a scam. Oh, it's a scam? Yeah, yeah. She didn't follow that link, did she? I might have. Oh, you're fucked.
Yeah, that's how they get you. Oh, man.
This is Kathy Hochul. What do you think? The governor's calling you?
And you want a conversion fan.
Oh, really?
I wanted to do that one summer in college when I was taking a lot of acid. I was going to get a job as a toll booth operator overnight, take acid every time, and write a book about it. I just landscape.
Somebody pulls out that legal tender argument. That's legal tender. Uh-huh.
That was always a stressful. So there's no tolls in his district. That was always a stressful transaction pulling up to the between my mom and my dad. Like if the exact change, give me the quarter. And where's the ticket? Losing that ticket.
You get this. 30 miles out, we were getting ready. You got cars behind you. They wanted that transaction to be smooth. Smooth. They start beeping at you. You lose your job.
Yeah, my dad saved all his gas receipts. But I don't think, I don't know if he ever turned them in. They were just in the center console. Some M&Ms and shit. Can I get a receipt for that?
I like the move. I mean, that's psychotic, but... Yeah, if you don't listen to a whole album, something maybe you haven't heard in a while, but afterwards. Listen, I've mentioned this before. It's not your fault.
I can't fucking listen to his playlist one more fucking time.
Listen, I'm driving. If I hear that Tyler Childress song one more time, I'm going to blow my brains out. Fantastic artist. Great song.
Fucking black. I know that's not sticks. It's ACDC. I'll come up with a – how about we all come up with a playlist for the next road trip?
Texas was driving me crazy.
You're in a bad mood. I stood over you in the middle of the night one night. Debating, slitting your throat.
We're at an Airbnb. You wake up, and I'm standing over top of you. What's your first move? You're swinging? Probably kill myself. I'd be suffocated under your huge ball bag. I'm standing next to you. Not on the bed. Balls out.
Quietly. I'm just standing there. I don't even. I sound like, hey, Kippy, wake up. You wake up. I'm just standing there.
Because I know you guys look on me in the middle of the night. What? I know you look. Yes, you do. You leave your door open. I know.
I always know when the doors close and I wake up and probably took a picture of me. I bet you Cassidy probably has fucking like ten pictures of me sleeping. It's not attractive.
What about this old rule of not eating in the car? I think it's time to change that.
But as we always say here, Tooties, you protect.
I remember Patty embarrasses him. He also wants to come to his show. Who?
Let's see what the fucking deal looks like.
Charge it for the electric. Patty did that fucking when we went in to get one of the cars.
uh she the guy knew a friend of ours or something like that and we were in there it was like the guy that owned the place was like the one handling us because it was a favorite of the the person that we knew but then his wife showed up and my mom like introduced like oh we've known whatever and the guy's like well we just met but i'm like what the Getting banged over the head for this.
Here comes the undercoating. Spray it right in my mouth.
Like it weird.
Get a set of those nuts and put them on the back, too. Truck nuts? Yeah. That's a little too on the nose. What about some of those? We do got a hitch. We do? Yeah, it's a goddamn conversion van.
No kidding. Mm-hmm. What about those? This one says, please be patient. I'm nine years old. What about the Yosemite Sams? Mud flaps. Oh, whoa. We can mud flap it up. Mud flap it up. Get some chains on it.
Some snow chains.
Let the city worry about that. Going through like a Panzer tank. We also have to stock it up with some stuff for the car. Got to have some extra antifreeze. Got to have a little armor all.
You never know. Wouldn't you wipe her fluid?
Who's fucking?
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Hey, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. And just a big old piece of trash.
Show these pussies.
It's all right. They're a nickel. Somebody got me. Stole my tub cap. Really? Yeah. All of them. Gone. Might have been the kid at Pep Boys. Gave him a little lip.
For the van? Yeah, make it look like a fucking NASCAR car. Whoa. Bang this thing out. Like what? I don't know. STP? Getty Oil? They're not going to give us any money. Whoever wants to play ball.
Those windows on those things that opened up, man, those took many a fingers. Oh, yeah. The little... Those things, they closed hard.
Back of the pickup, we did pretty regularly when I was a kid. My one buddy who was older... Johnny Mitt had a truck.
And he was on the wrestling team, so he would drive us. And it would be him, some other senior or whatever in the front, and me and his brother in the back. Like middle of winter, freezing.
You said you had to put your name. You should have put the kid on there. What do you mean? Why do I have to do this for you? I'm just saying. You want to put a little star power on it. My credit just went up 17 points. I just got a notice from Credit Mission. Is it tied to your cholesterol?
I wasn't the same man. That's it? 48 minutes?
We were on the highway. That's like three stop signs, dude. You got to be doing it wrong.
Lost a lot of good people on that trip. Oh, man. I stink. 48 minutes. Bastard.
I'll tell you that. With a stop in Myrtle Beach. I'm going to say that's 40 hours.
Forget about the great white sharks.
Plus they got killers in those waters. Yeah. Fuck that. Fuck that, dude. You couldn't get me in the fucking bay in Rhode Island.
Why was it? Listen, Disney World is unbelievable. But why was it always driving down? It's probably so expensive. I know, I know.
Dude, it's always Disney World. Think of how many families have gotten into fights and arguments. Most. Most families in the country. Think of how many divorces have occurred on trips like that. This is it.
You would be catapulted.
Dude. Those Pelicans would have squashed your brain.
That all worked out. You were on a goddamn tour bus. 2,500 miles. All worked out, baby.
I already sold the windshield on the van.
No, we weren't on the run from anybody.
You get on the phone with somebody? Got on the phone with a closer. Let's see if he makes it happen.
Stopping at a friend's house. Hey, the fat one's got to dump one out.
For sure, for sure, for sure. I don't got to dick for it, first of all.
I don't got to dick for it now is what I'm saying. Back then, maybe I'd get away with it. I was six. I would just end up peeing in my face like a baby. Peeing in your nose? I got my dad bad one time.
You need a 32-ouncer for that. You can't do that in a can.
Quick edit, Kippy's computer died and Uncle Hank needed a hot chocolate. A little hot chocolate chai latte.
Giving Luke a million dollars for keeping his hand on the conversion van for three days.
Yeah. Something. Freddie. Call me. But you could shut down. I'll do it. You know, it's kind of like I got Patty, too. We got Patty in the pocket. I shouldn't get shot down.
Wait, we all have $20 to split? Sure.
That's easy. Have we eaten?
I'm getting a classic length turkey hoagie with Swiss mayo, lettuce, tomato, salt, pepper, oregano, lettuce, tomato, onion. I'm getting a bag of... If we're in a fantasy here, I'm getting a bag of hers barbecue corn chips, which I don't think they make anymore, but they were my favorite.
If you want them, you got to find them in the party mix, but you got to dig through because they got pretzels and shit. That's what I'm getting. You're going off things that don't exist.
Yeah, listen. Gonna go to the factory. Make a pit stop in Hanover.
All right, fine.
A bag of munchos. Fair enough. Because I like that combo. And they will cut your mouth up. They are sodium. Big orange Gatorade. Okay. And a bag of Snyder's chocolate-covered pretzels.
If I have a little left over. Maybe some of them candies. I'll put that in my acorns. Hey, round up.
If I have a little left over, a bag of wild berry Skittles.
Then I'll probably sleep for the rest of the show.
Put me in a sugar coma.
I ain't never seen a guy drive as good as you with a bag of combos in your hand. With kids clack-a-lacking.
Are you pre-opening that before you get on the road?
Grab-and-go bag.
Isn't that crazy? What are we doing? Get rid of the white cheddar. Get rid of the extra toasted. Stop. You don't need all that shit. You made the best thing possible.
Those white cheddars. That shit goes everywhere. It's like fake snow.
Cigarettes. You need a foot long hoagie. It's 13 inches.
Think you can pull that off?
Wawa. You're pinned down. You got Jersey, Philly, or you got Florida.
If you want to invest that, give me a call.
It's one of my favorite things. I've told you walking and eating is one of my favorite things. But eating in the car, having like a bunch of stuff in the bag and just.
It's a pattern for me.
You can't be a dirt ball and do that shit. Fucking. Oh, we'll get you when we get back. That's got to be upfront cash. And they shouldn't have to ask. Be a goddamn gentleman. This isn't a free ride. You got your fucking boy. You got where terror in his car. He's probably jammed up. All right. He'll probably show up filled once. You hit him right away. Listen, here's 20 for gas to get there.
If there's four of you, that's 60 bucks. That should cover it to get there. I agree. And then on the way back, you do the same thing.
Get in the hotel. We'll pay for the gas and the tolls. You drive. That's what it is. You're not moving. The hotel's got nothing to do with it. That's a separate business altogether. Okay.
Because you ain't touching my Harry bows. I'm showing up with snacks. Big box of Cheez-Its. Two foot long hooves.
Wait, the stuff that wasn't for the car ride but for the house when you get there? Yeah. You fat fuck. You can't wait fucking two hours.
Like a VC tunnel.
Oh, this isn't a wagon? No.
Don't tell them it's broken. Don't tell them it's broken.
Man, you're doing that from memory? If a roller bag fell on your head, you're freaking out.
Going into that trunk, it was either real cold or real hot in there, and you felt the difference. It always smelled good in there, though. That was usually the cleanest the car was. The new car smell stayed in the trunk for longer. Yeah, because nobody's sweating in there.
I used to kind of like it. I like the carpet in there. Sure.
I was also big on if we pulled in, if me and the boys pulled into Wawa or something like that and like one of the other crews was there or whatever, like one of the other, another friend. Another dance crew or whatever. You guys are going to fucking be. Whoa. That sounded like fucking thunder.
But I was big on when they got out, if they left their doors unlocked, I would go in, go in the back seat, crawl into the thing and keep the seat halfway up. So when they came in, I would scare the shit out of them. Jesus Christ. It's fucking scream type shit. Fuck that. I was big on it.
I did it to Frank Rizzolo one time. Shit his pants.
Not going to happen in the Foley house. What? If you're afraid of flying? The only time we flew when I was a kid was from Pennsylvania to San Francisco. I was petrified. Yeah, I guess you're going to be petrified.
That's a life lesson. You got to put a stop to that.
Thanks for only coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in the new edition. Unfortunately, we are not going to see her for a little bit. Oh, God. Just go on a trip with the girls. Go down to Cancun. Relax. She's fine. Okay. She wants to stretch her wings a little bit. She wants to go down there, get nailed. I don't know what she does down there.
Where the fuck was he going to stay for the 20 hours it took him to get down there?
For $20? What are you going to get?
I told you this, but not that long ago. Good friend of our family. They live in Costa Rica. They were flying. I think they were in Miami or something like that. They got, like, over the water. Or they were coming from Philly, and they were, like, about to get over the water. Like, the engine went. Okay, why are we talking about that? And then they fucking turned around. They landed.
The next day, I think they got on the same plane. They fixed it, got on the same plane, and flew out.
Oh, man, that's rough. That's a good dad right there. That's a conversion van. Listen, how scared would you have to be? What type of signs would you have to be? The kid would have to be hysterically crying the first time that we tried to do that. Listen, I'll do it, but you're going to have to freak out to show me that you're really, really scared. You're not just saying, I don't want to fly.
I'm scared. Listen. I'm going to need you to have a tantrum, freak out. You're going to need medicine, the whole nine yards.
I mean, that is once is one thing. Every year. I hope that ain't Thanksgiving. That's a quick weekend. What?
And you're staying for two weeks at least. Or the week.
That's so long, dude. That's crazy.
You got to wait till the kids are out of school. You're chewing up half the vacation, not to mention the fucking drive back.
Maybe that's it.
That's something we better have made with the present.
Every Transformer available at Toys R Us, please.
There's a big difference between those congratulations and unfortunately's those emails.
Whoa. That had to be an uncle you thought was going to leave you money in the will. Yeah, you're going to check in. What are you bringing your dirtbag buddy for? Maybe at a ranch or something?
Man, that's nuts.
That guy's doing that.
Okay, so they were sleeping for 10 hours. Then you, I don't know. You'd have to really make sure somebody's awake.
Now, my one buddy's mom in high school, she would date one freak after another. You know, guys that were real holistic and into this. And there was one guy who was trying to get us to come out with him to shroom in a yurt. To, like, have, like, a spiritual experience.
But she dated a hypnotist, and we were over at his place. And maybe he hypnotized one of my buddies or something like that. I don't know. I didn't really buy that shit. Sure.
You know what?
Listen, I've said this before. I was stunned to find out your leniency with that. You really paint me a bad guy. I'm just saying, growing up, it would have to be a minimum of five hours. Pee before you leave. My dad never wanted to stop. You're pretty willy-nilly with it.
What I was dipping into the that happened to me in college. I got shot down. King's College shot me down. I wanted to go there. All my cousins went there. Nah, didn't make it. Widener, no problem. Welcomed me with open arms. Until you burned that bridge and they had to escort you off premises. They also asked me to leave very quickly.
I'm saying.
If I know you're hungry, I know I can get a stop out of you because you want your combat.
You like your honey roasted peanuts, don't you?
Put a turtle in that conversion van.
Oh, get in the butthole. Somebody scrub out that butthole. That'd be great. Sure. Man, that is a fucking great road trip, and that's a good friend right there.
But just think of how bad that car smelled. Dude shit in his pants. Grown man.
When I say stop, you better pull over. Sure. What a fun one, gang. The Route 66 tour is going to be dropping February 25th. If you're watching this on Sunday or Monday, it comes out tomorrow.
But when I was dipping into Navy Federal, because for a minute I was all over Navy Federal. Two grand here, three grand there, doing the loans. They didn't ask any questions. You were taking out little payday loans. Not even payday loans. Just straight up- They're not long-term loans. They're called personal no collateral loans.
All hands on deck.
And we also can't thank you enough to letting us be able to do this.
See you out on Route 66, gang. Peace. Peace.
But when you got approved, it was right on the phone. Yeah, it's all good. If you weren't approved, which more often than not, that was the case, it was- All right, it's processing. Give us a few hours. Give me a fucking few hours. I know I'm screwed here. Yeah, I know I'm screwed. Just tell me now, lady.
You guys are jamming me up.
Look at that.
It all goes to the kid, huh?
I don't know. You got to give it to the kid. Luke, I guess. Spend it over to the kid.
I've got sweat equity in this.
He's got a conversion van to maybe look forward to.
So what are you doing, Cancun? I don't know what I'm doing. Spring break's right around the corner. You know what I'm saying? My co-host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode here at Tootie's. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman, and I believe he just got shot down for a car loan. What?
You got to throw a baseball around or something. When he asked you to teach him. I don't think you can play catch with a newborn.
Thank you.
Pack up the car, take him and the wife down to Florida in a couple of years. Screaming at him in the car. Sure. Scar him for life. Get down there. We're not getting that. That's how they get you.
The fucking, you know, the screaming, the yelling, the... We did the famous Foley trip from mountaintop Pennsylvania all the way down to Dallas, Texas to see our cousins. Do you get time on that? Mountaintop Pennsylvania... To Dallas, Texas, in a Datsun, in a hatchback Datsun. They dropped the seats in the back. Everything was pushed to the back of the car. We had sleeping blankets.
We had, I remember, a big bottle of Hi-C, snacks, all that stuff. Left in the middle of the night for some reason, probably traffic. Hey, traffic. Went all the way down there. Drove not straight through. I think we stopped once. Stayed at some motel. What's the time on that?
It's like Route 66. Very similar. Car broke down. Uh-huh. Had to get the car fixed. Man, I remember my mom... We got there. There was a lot of crying. There was a lot of her apologizing. I'm sorry. I mean, we were just, we were like two gremlins in the backseat. Hot as shit, I'm sure. Yeah. I remember she grabbed me and I had her nails in my arm. She had to like clean me up when I got there.
Psycho. That's why she's crying.
I had it coming, baby. Sure. It's all good, baby.
What are you going to do? Choose the wrench? Spit my mouth. You got to build around it. You're pulling it. Yeah, that was the first big road trip, which it was awesome. You know what I mean? You're leaving. You're in the sleeping bag with your brother, all that kind of stuff. It was fun. I don't remember the drive back at all. They might have knocked us the fuck out.
I'm not driving up now.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James, Ryan, everybody. It's still pending, but it ain't looking great.
Because of how fat I was. You know what was bad? Outside the car, too, a dead leg. A dead leg from the knee to the thigh to the ground. Fucking uno, dos, tres. Out. Killing it.
I'm going to a picnic. I'm bringing apples, bananas, and cards.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Is it a nursing home in Old Inquiry?
Turned around, went home.
Hey there gang, do you want to come to an RU Garbage live show and ask your question? Sure you do. Good news for you, back on the block tour tickets are on sale. We're talking about a nice stand-up comedy show, plus we play AYG with the crowd, so grab the squad and come out and see Kippy and I.
You're younger too. How old are you?
One account for the whole neighborhood?
That was your first move was Dish Network.
Okay.
You had six stations. Exactly. That's how we grew up. But the younger guys, I figured you guys all had cable earlier.
Sure.
No, it was the ink. It didn't have color. It's black and white. Old school, baby. Kevin's talking about Bombas. Bombas. Here's the bad news, gang. It's freezing cold outside. The good news is you can chill inside in your Bombas. Rub your tootsies together. Talking about socks. We're talking about slippers. Talking about underwear. All winter long. Baby, the secret in their fabrics.
We're talking about the good stuff like Merino wool. You like Merino wool?
That's Merino wool. That's the good stuff. Do yourself a favor. Get over to Bombas and get yourself straightened out.
Yes, sir, you do. Thank you so much, Kippy. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly. Special guest back with us again today. He is one of the funniest, one of the hardest working men in show business. He's got a movie, Let's Start a Cult, out. One of the stars of Tires over there on Netflix.
Speaking my language.
Okay, let's talk about Lucy. Ooh, Lucy, Lucy. Talking about 100% pure, uncut nicotine, always tobacco-free. Lucy Breakers are nicotine pouches with an extra surprise. Each pouch holds a capsule that can be broken to release a little nicotine
You can hear him every week in his amazing podcast, Stavi's World. And he's about to kick off the Dreamboat Tour. February 21st, Sacramento, California. That's right. At the Hard Rock Live. Give it up for the Greek God of Baltimore, Stavros Karkias.
We would have an available telephone so that I could jack off.
Came back from the learning annex.
Sure.
It's the Turks, ma. You're at it again.
I remember my dad getting busted with shit like that.
He would just ruin laptop after laptop, not realizing what was going on, and it would just be... It was like you're one solitaire. And my mom was like, what's going on? Fucking brutal, man. Oh, man. Goddamn.
Back to the TV, though.
In the summers, cable's great. But in the summers, when you would get Fox, you would get a double shot of Three's Company or Hogan's Heroes or whatever.
What was on?
This is like fucking 2002. Yeah, but they still ran that stuff all through the 2000s. What were you watching? What was your double shot? They would play two episodes back to back in the summer.
It's still on now on MeTV. Yeah, that's not fucking UPN 57.
You guys don't like Charlie Chaplin? I don't know what to tell you. It started in 1965. It's a good show. It was over. 15 years before I was born. What about what's happening? They're all in the family. That's the same thing.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's not crackhorse.com. You heathens. You're right. I was watching quality programming. Promo code garbage.
That's your domain. Made a move on Aphrodite. Pissed a couple of people off. Buddy, how you feeling?
I mean, I'm not saying it's not good. On a baked potato, definitely not.
I saw my uncle do this one time. You're saying it's not garbage?
Who gets a baked potato at a steakhouse?
Double stuffed or something like that. Twice baked. Yeah, twice baked. By the way, twice baked is the classiest potato.
It changes the consistency of the food. Let me explain myself. Garbage, not garbage. I don't know about any of that.
If you take a baked potato and you slice it into almost like home fried pieces with the butter on it and hit it with a little ketchup, it's delicious.
You have met the final potato, boss.
Gentlemen, I'm going to ask you to both leave the room. Leave me and Mr. Halkius alone.
Uh-huh. A couple of girls chatting back and forth. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah.
Who said they were putting it back in?
I'll give you that.
I would. I would. You can't do shit like that. On mash, though. Okay, we'll stick with the top.
I love mashed potatoes at a diner. Really?
No, you get like a whipped mash at like a... Sometimes at a diner, I'll get a burger and get mashed instead of fried. That's too many carbs.
That's a lot. What's the difference? They're not fried. They're boiled.
I don't know who you've been talking to.
Hey, Louie in the back wants to know if you want a job. Yeah, we're out of dumpsters.
Of course. All right. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. With the instant mashed potatoes, that's all we had until I was, I think, about 12.
Yeah. My dad also loved canned potatoes. You ever have those? That sucks so much. They're great, though.
They're like little baby potatoes. What's the consistency? Are they boiled? Yeah, it tastes like a boiled potato. Are you supposed to then mash them? No, he used them to make home fries. He would slice them up. But they were already cooked through.
A little ketchup on there now.
Of course.
Go to Guy's.
Yeah, there you go. I tell you, he's getting real comfortable, by the way. I love him. He's smoking that cigar everywhere he goes now.
He's got the canned nachos. Oh, God. Nachos in a can and they slide out.
French onion soup pasta. Have you seen it? Have you heard about it? Because it looks pretty goddamn good.
You should be running for office.
100%.
Who are you on the fucking side of? Mr. Too Good for Mayonnaise on Mashed Potatoes.
This is my goddamn show, Stop Bros. You a sour cream guy?
Greek yogurt.
Wait, hold on a second. So you're telling me if you want to bake potato when Greek yogurt was readily available in the United States, you'd put a dollop of Greek yogurt on there instead of sour cream? Yes, I would. I can't do it. Mentally, I think.
See, my brain with yogurt goes sweet. I'd be putting granola on there. No, it's very possible to not do that. I'm using Bannon's strawberry and banana. You got a go-gurt?
You got to figure out the southern border thing. Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, let's talk burritos.
Greek yogurt. I don't think. Greek yogurt, boys. I'm in.
Yeah. Put a little bit of garlic in there, though. Yeah, of course. Tavernic cake lightness does their fucking tzatziki so good. It's pretty good. They shred the cucumbers.
They love you.
You got the bus for the tour.
They got a couple of hitters out there, dudes you never heard of, like Greek singers, like the old guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that dude. They look like Frank Vincent.
Yeah, they look like Frank Vincent.
That's fucking awesome.
Still taking the checks. My God. He's not putting ketchup on mashed potatoes.
That guy's, man. He's got two Duracells up his ass. Let the man retire.
A little turkey smoothie for Papa. Get out of here.
Yeah. How the fuck do they always win? Yeah. That dealer can't be that much better than you.
They always get blackjack.
It's not?
I thought that's how they got the job. The blackjack combine. Hey, buddy, how many times can you pull 20? Wait, aren't they skilled card players? Not players, you dumbass.
I thought you were a really good card player, and then they hired you. To what? Make minimum wage? That doesn't make any sense.
Do you think they keep the money? No. I don't think they keep the money. Maybe they get bonuses or something like that. They really break you up. If they win. They really bust you down. Wait, so why is it in their advantage then? What do you mean?
Well, not even the poker dealers. They're not good. You don't play the poker dealers.
No, I don't play poker. Okay, never mind. That's why you're wrong on that.
Extra journey in Metallica.
I got you, though. It's like the driving one. I'm in there. Yes.
Screwdriver in front of me. Some trashy waitress coming up. What can I get you? What can I get you? Kevin, this is Shopify.
If you're not using Shopify for your online store, you might as well be working in Deadwood. At a general store in Red Denver. You're in the Stone Age. In the Stone Age. Painting on caves. Do yourself a favor. Listen, we got a lot of hustlers out there. A lot of hustlers. A lot of small businessmen, small businesswomen. A lot of side projects. A lot of side projects. A lot of startups.
Do yourself a favor. Get over to Shopify. Best checkout in the game. It's going to make it.
Baker.
About heaters and beers.
I hate it when that stuff got really popular. I was at the... Like, I was just old enough where I hated it and, like, all... Kids my age, like really got into Texas Hold'em, and they would show up to parties with their own chips. Yeah, yeah. And steal all the girls' fucking book.
With the dinosaurs on them.
Hood up and headphones on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, chill the fuck out.
I'm like, I can't do that. I learned everything about playing cards from Kippy. You just thought the dealers were good poker players. Don't connect me to you. Your professor. My mentor. Yeah. Kevin Black Widow Ryan. He taught me how to shoot nine ball. How to play the gimp and then come in and hustle. Hey, Kippy, break out Lucille.
Tell me how to cross my one eye so I look stupid. No, he has a good thing about if you win, like say you win something, you take the biggest chip and put it in your pocket.
You're like a gerbil licking the thing. Well, they suck you in, and everything's corrupted. Wheel of Fortune is corrupted at the fucking casinos. Where does the line stop? What are you talking about? They have Wheel of Fortune games. Why is that corrupting? Because that's a wholesome family show.
They're taking your mortgage payment.
Yeah, show a little respect, will you?
Oh, I'm sorry, crackwhores.com.
Say Jack.
I don't know. I thought the same thing.
Let her be the host. Who's doing it now? Seacrest, I think.
That guy's got another fucking job.
A hot dude. Show a little popcorn. Maybe top of it. I like that. I don't get it either.
You know what I mean? I read Sajak wants to come back. That's what I heard. Oh, interesting. Where'd you read that? Page six?
I don't like that Ken Jennings either.
I don't mind. I can see it. I don't mind the cream, okay? A Dr. Pepper and cream might be all right. You're so wrong. That is so easily the trashiest part.
They used to do it on Laverne and Shirley all the time.
She did. Milk and Pepsi. Oh, I'm sorry. You don't like Penny Marshall?
I just put peanut butter in his mouth. Mr. Ed was too racy for me.
I'm more of a Mork and Mindy guy. I don't think this is real. Watching Mr. Ed. Still holding grudges. What has the world come to? Big trend now, though, is putting pickle juice and pickles in Dr. Pepper and soda and stuff like that.
Ice cream?
Affogato. Yeah, they do that. Delicious.
That was a tracksuit talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a symbiote.
Very.
Classy.
Are they doing that? Yeah, they're doing that. Okay.
Sure.
It's all right, mate.
What about a Manhattan special? You ever have one of those?
Yes. But that- They're going to put sugar in that thing's brutal. It doesn't have enough sugar for you? There's no sugar in it, I don't think. There is definitely sugar. Is there?
Oh.
Sure.
Is it? I remember tasting such black coffee, I couldn't drink it. Spit it out at the barista.
He's on a different scale, dude. It's in that little bottle.
It's all that insulation when we were kids.
Jesus Christ.
That's fucking great. You know what? You want to talk about classy. Yeah. Ready? I think this is a Dua Lipa again. I'm listening. Vanilla ice cream, olive oil, a little sea salt on top.
Yeah.
And a pickle.
A little ketchup.
My dad was a carpenter.
Is it neutral? No one's asking, is it classy? What if you have a recycling bin in the bathroom? You got problems.
That's crazy. Then you got issues.
I'm good with it, but I'm not going out of my way. In the home. If the recycling thing's full... It's going right in the trash. Throw it out the window. I'll be honest with you. I'm sorry. I apologize. I got issues.
I don't think they do anything anymore.
We're not at war.
They burn it all anyway, don't they?
For all I give a fuck. Recycle it yourself. Just crack a window.
Oh, yeah, aluminum can fumes?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
See, to me, do you have the I think it's a I think it's a brave move on his part.
You got to make an announcement. Hey, Uncle Bob, you look great.
I took a lot off the top.
I'm never going back to that. Supercuts.
We had a teacher do that in high school. He wore a toupee for his entire career. He'd probably be there for 20 years. Came back from Christmas break. He stood out in front of his classroom while everybody came in. After every period, he went out and stood in front. And owned it. He was beet red. beat red and just fucking just dealt with it.
That's a home run. That's great. Heck, I don't miss, man. No, he's so fucking funny. I recently got into Detroiters, and I fucking love it.
Beers, too.
If you're just hanging at a bowling alley with your whole family, why wouldn't anyone bowl?
How good could the wings be?
That's even weirder. They all got their shoes on, sliding around. That's nuts. Although I do know there's a bowling alley in our hometown that has a lot of space like that.
I've never met anybody.
Eating, just spooning it out loose from the bag. I've never met anybody that worked at a bowling alley that was... On the up and up.
Yeah, just fucking throw some bowls.
I wouldn't be able to go to a bowling alley and not throw a couple. Of course.
I mean, I get tired of it after, like, the first round, but it's a couple. Yeah, but it's fine.
No, it makes you itchy. It's bad for you. Me and my brother were climbing through – we rewired a high school. We got some job from a cousin. Incredible. And they sent us – Who hired you, Tony Soprano?
That guy definitely was not wearing a suit at that funeral. He was wearing jeans. Maybe some bad khakis.
I think the last time he was here, I asked him, what does it take for you to not wear that, to not wear the Big J outfit? And he punched you. He said a funeral, a wedding, that's about it.
What?
You don't have ID.
Stavi. Let's wrap it up, boys. Congrats on everything. Yeah, man. Thank you so much. Brand new tour, Dreamboat Tour.
On the bus, baby.
Yeah.
It's a new hour.
I love it. We love you, buddy. Yeah, man. Thank you, fellas. Gang, check out the Dreamboat Tour. Please go see Stavi on the road there.
We'll see you next week.
Yeah, they had to hire a certain amount of non-union workers, and me and my brother were both college students, broke as shit, and they gave us like $1,500 a week to crawl through the ceilings pulling wire through, and it was all insulation.
We have any weekend warriors on the list? I was actually up in the ceiling when they were looking for people. I just stuck my head down. You were casing it for computers?
Do you ever know any dumpster divers?
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find it out to be classy. Yeah. But they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Dave Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in the new edition.
Beef barley out of a sock? Dude, one of the first business— He's trying to catch a movie or something.
You and Rubinoff talking about a sketch idea?
You didn't have a business lunch. Dude, that's always a sign it's a shady company. When it's not at the office. I had the job. I had the job.
It's at the business center of a hotel. Sneaking off to get free breakfast. I'll go get a waffle, then you come back.
Wait, one's usually a button. The other one's a hook.
She's down in the basement stuck in the dryer. Okay. So get while the getting's good, boys.
Oh, you're not tucking in, you're covering. Yes, covering. Of course.
A button-down shirt and a fucking sweater. Talk about itchy.
Yeah, of course.
Covers the boobs and everything.
Absolutely.
In a kiss coffin.
That's our good friend Goose over there on the Patreon. Mike Howes is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
Of course. Of course. You got a dead body? You're mummying people and bringing them to a nightclub?
They got him playing basketball and stuff. The other one, too, is they'll put somebody in a coffin, and they'll bring them out to a soccer field, and they'll kick the soccer ball off the casket. Love that. Then they all jump. One final goal.
His crew in that show was so fucking weak. Yeah. They were fucking dorks.
I am Queens Boulevard.
They should have made some of those movies.
You're telling me Head On wasn't a great crime thriller? Give me a fucking break.
Oh, yeah, that's right. What did they end up? They were doing something.
What did you watch? What did I watch? What were your shows as a kid?
No shit.
They used my house as a crack house.
Yes, sir.
That's nice.
I'll see you out there.
I get this.
Mm-hmm.
Ah!
What?
You asked what textiles were.
Muff University.
Yeah, it just seems like FIT, like fashion institutes. Oh, was it? Fashion Institute of Technology is real sharp up here.
A textile degree is a credential that certifies two to four years of specialized training in the design and development of fabric-based products such as apparel and furniture.
Jimmy just became a billionaire right before he passed, I believe.
What's Warren Buffett's? I think it's in like the hundreds. Yeah, probably like hundreds of billions of dollars.
You'd be Warren Buffett. 145.9 billion U.S. dollars. Jump change. We don't wear Brooks Brothers.
Cigs are worse because cigs are popping in. Bar, you know you're going to the bar.
Like, you know, okay, I'm going out to the bar. I should have my ID on me. Sure, I'll give you that. Sigs, you could just be running in to grab me.
Okay.
Flaherty.
The Social Security card works like that.
Old Ebbet Grill?
1856.
It's so great.
Well, you're safe because it is highly unlikely that you can catch anything from the toilet seat by simply touching it with your penis tip.
Yeah.
I'm going to start doing that.
Lucas? I've only done it once.
Yeah. Most of the places doing room service are pretty nice now, too. Like, I feel like you're not getting a lot of bad hotels doing room service.
Yeah. They're going to double check the name. True. Like, that's where you're getting jammed up, I think.
Yeah.
No way.
Off my Chiva, I'm doing my salty and sweet.
That's a Tommy move. That's bullshit. Idiots. The most, I've never done that. The most I do is a banana.
This is slander. I always do my salty and sweet.
The popcorn game's kind of new. Orville was launched to the public in 1969. Get the fuck out of here.
I know. And then Pop Secret was from 1986.
I know what you're saying now. Yeah.
Participation trophy-esque.
Yeah, you definitely did.
Maybe at the end. There was a cut, but not really. People were pretty against him. Yeah.
Whatever. Take it. Don't take it. So it's like, who the fuck cares? Give the kid a trophy. Everyone needs a win eventually. That's true. A lot of myself from time to time.
Joey Diaz's Stars of Death.
Spark plugs.
I mean, that's got to be like, that's like one of like 10 gifts, right? Hopefully.
Oh, man. Game over.
I mean, he's out there by himself. He's got no shotgun or nothing. Have you seen when he brings his, like, two-year-old kid out there with him? These kids are fucking hard as nails.
Shout out, Luke.
Sure.
bitch.
I agree with Foley on that.
I don't like this. There's no pair of champion sweatpants over like $45. Where? Just online.
It's five Bitcoin. Topping out at $45 again, DXL.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Damn. Get the fuck out of here.
That's bought and sold.
Kip, simpler hair color. I'm getting rid of my grays. You've been saying that for a while. I'm going hot pink, baby. Let's have a little fun with this with simpler hair color. Gang, it's official. I see grays every time I look in the mirror. I want to cover them up. But home hair dye kits are for the birds. It's a mess. And you go to the salon. I mean, forget about it. They bang you out.
They bang you out over there. I got to sit there for three hours. I got to hear what this one's doing and that one's doing. Gang, if you want to color your hair, simpler hair color is the way to go. Yes.
Let's talk about Bombas. Shout out to Bombas, dog. The best socks that you're ever going to wear. And here's the turkey. We got them for all occasions. Athletic. You got a wedding coming up this spring. You never have nice socks. No. You know what I mean? That's always the you got a nice wedding coming up or you got a funeral or something like that or graduation.
And like, ah, shit, I forgot about socks. And you're using some old pair of socks in the back of your drawer. Get your Bombas, baby. I know.
Yes. My dad was on the low and emotional guy. Like, I would see him tear up watching stuff. But, you know, he's like, yeah, something in my eye or whatever. I don't think I've ever seen my dad cry.
Anyway, I'm getting older. You know what I mean? And though I have a youthful appearance, right? I've been blessed with good genetics.
Me. Yeah, definitely the natural got him for sure. I remember the natural getting him. When his dad died, I remember him being sad, but I don't remember seeing him cry. And then we had a sudden, such a death in the family that everybody got it. That was the first time I saw everybody cry. And I was too young for it. It fucking freaked me out. Seemed to bounce back from it.
Wasn't no Michael Bay movie. Yikes. But that's when Bay hit it. That's when the little flares and all that stuff were perfect.
Yeah. It did that good.
You could smell it walking in there.
I don't mind it. That, I tell you what, I don't know if it's like a Pavlovian thing. Is that the right word?
Smelling a little bit of weed is comforting. Because somebody smokes weed in our building and they do it in the bathroom and they blow it in the vent.
It mixes in with the air freshener and all that stuff. Makes it cozy in there. I don't know why. It just reminds me... I'm about that lifestyle. You don't smoke. You smoke the chronic.
Yeah, that smell I didn't like. That burnt blunt smell at the weed dealer's place.
Bad couch, bad TVs on.
What is your, and you're the wrong person to ask.
We've talked about this a little bit because I asked you about this not that long ago about dinner and supper. Supper and somebody hit me up about this.
My understanding of it is Sunday supper is technically lunchtime. That's how they did it in the old days, is that the big meal of the day on Sunday would be around 2 or 3 o'clock. Right? What do you have on that? The history of supper.
You're a gurus. Charles. But I'll ask you. I'll open it up to Luke as well. He's a young guy, so he's not probably doing this stuff yet. And I never had to do it. You know what I mean? But it's catching up to me. What is your nightly routine before you go to bed? Like, is there a wash? Is there an eye cream? Is there... Is there an eye cream?
Hmm. That's not the dirtbag dictionary.
Yeah, I mean, that's trash. Calling it supper is trash.
Okay. Huh. Like a nice supper. Aunt Mary Catherine used to throw out a nice supper on Sunday. A little vegetable stew. God damn, that was good.
Supper always had plain white bread with soft butter dipping it in your soup. That's delicious.
Yeah. At that point, we'd always just go buy a used tire. Nah, there was a run there where Patty was like a mechanic. We'd be going to junkyards to get... And I don't even... Like, if you really went back, she didn't need to be doing this. I don't think. I could be wrong.
But, like, we would go to... If, like, a tail light went out, she would go to a junkyard and get the part, and we would fucking... She would finagle it in there and put it in there.
I specifically remember going to, like, well, Mike has a tire. We'll go and get that. Mm-hmm. And going to get the tire in the other car and throwing a tire into the back, into the trunk of a car. You just feel like a dirt bag. I've done that.
Why don't you just make the bottom smooth and have the stump?
Sure. Yeah. My dad used to do that. I remember him putting, like, bags of Quikrete in the trunk if it was snowing out.
Were you wearing them?
You wore them out?
I've seen you do those before shows. It's weird. Like you're going to a cosplay or something. About to get freaky. Kippy's a furry.
I got a tire over at the house.
Right? Aren't donuts the same? I would argue I don't know that.
I don't even know. That's above my pay grade. There is no tougher look than the donut. Sure. I'm a big donut guy. How long can you ride on a donut?
Yeah. No kidding. You're telling me.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Isn't it? It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a good to be classy. Hello. But they're just a big old piece of trash. Rubbish. I'm your host, Stace Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
That's a lot of burgers.
Damn, you got the loose chain. Why don't you go hit a coin star and turn it into bills?
Also, why would you? And for Tina? Yeah, change. Slamming on the counter. Had a lawyer. Mention the lawyer. What kind of lawyer you got doing that, Will?
I'm saying on a nightly basis.
I respect the bringing the White Castles back. That's nice. And those are okay.
But I don't mind that move because you don't got to heat them up. If it's a couple hours flight, you get back, you can have them, you know, hey. And you're going to be the hot one.
A couple hundred bucks? Maybe more if it's quarters, dude. Could be looking at a couple of Gs. No. Sure.
Check bag's different. You said you had to pick it up with two hands. So that's maybe 50 pounds worth of change. That's a lot of change. Pennies your fuck.
50 cent piece.
But now if you'd hit it like, you know, they don't have it in your hometown. You wouldn't love that. That's you're going to go. That goes back to the Abe's hot dog things. My my parents went up to Wilkes-Barre and they came home. They bring that's different. That's it. That's a 90 minute drive to our flight.
Elkshakes are all mixed in.
In my college room in my apartment. Okay, that's different. On the coffee table, we ask people, do you have any hot sauce on your coffee table? Sure. That's all right.
Man, if you don't... The morning breath difference is crazy.
Kip, let me tell you about Pretty Litter. Shout out to Pretty Litter. Yeah, shout out to Pretty Litter. You're not a kitty cat, man. Uncle Hank, I'm a kitty cat, man. I'm a dog, man. You're a dog, man. We're talking about Pretty Litter for nice kitty cats. I know we got a lot of cat people out there. Listen, I'm telling you right now. Look at me. Shooting you straight.
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It lasts long. It's not heavy. If there's something going on with the cat, the crystals tell you. If the cat's got a urinary tract infection, the crystals are going to turn color. That way you can say, hey, it's time to take the cat to the vet and see what's going on. It smells great. There's not a lot of dust. It's absolutely fantastic. It is now. The only kitty litter that we use.
Wir machen eine kulinarische Reise.
Problem gelöst.
Yeah, why do they do that, turn green? It's like doing the bottom of the ocean or something. I think it's patina. Patina? Yeah.
Oh, that's what that would be? If you took some brass out of the Statue of Liberty.
So, no, you don't wash. You don't do nothing. Moisturizer. Nothing like that, huh?
Not underneath. I mean, that is copper. The Statue of Liberty is made of copper. Is that what you're telling me?
I didn't know what it was. Metal of some kind. Steel. I didn't know it was copper. I didn't know. So you're telling me that when they built that. Stop saying like you're telling me. Like, I'm like. So when they built that, it was copper color. It looked like a big penny. I mean, I believe. For a couple of weeks until it rained or something. I mean, even still. What do you mean even still?
I remember when Orbit had that. It was like fresh mint or something. It was like mint chocolate. Or maybe it was mint chocolate chip. It was a mint chip gum for a little while. It was hot.
Get the fuck out of here. Go birds. Man, that's something I'd like to see. What do you mean? I don't know. Go back and see it in its original color. It'd be pretty cool.
Yeah. It's all fake shit.
I don't know. The Staten Island Ferry. Okay. Yeah. I ain't been over there. What's with the attitude? What, you work there? What's the closest you've been, dickhead? I don't like this. What do you mean? And I like mint gum. And it was hot, and it was hot when a chick had it, and then that... And their breath smelled like mint chocolate chip a little bit.
It was like fresh mint or something or mint chip or something. She was hot, though. I'm sure she was. Fucking dickhead. Sitting here with this bullshit. Trying to do a goddamn show.
Sleeping in your jeans. I got caught doing that the other day. She freaked out. I got into bed with my cargo pants on.
I think it'd be cool to see that in its original form.
No, a dorm, the way you have it set up, you have your little kitchen area. Please tell me, guy who got thrown out of college. Well, I was in the dorm for a couple of years. One year. There we go. Three months. No, one year. I was in there for first year. You have your college and you have your milk crates and you put all your stuff over there in the area. You don't have that next to the bed.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.
Sure. Get that hot sauce in your eyes.
They have pastries in the morning.
They have cinnamon rolls, maybe an apple fritter. You might be able to get the pies then, too, the apple pies or the confetti pies or birthday pies. And they're starting to dabble into the, they're taking a cue from Popeye's. Popeye's has the fruit and cream pies. Cream pies? What the hell are they doing over there? Strawberry and like a Philadelphia cream cheese line. They're delicious.
But what I would consider dessert there would be in the morning. A Whopper. is the McGriddles. There would always be a McGriddle. Whatever I got, there would be a sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddle for afterwards. That would be dessert. It's going to make me sick. Hey, your question.
Yeah. That's not dessert, though. That McGriddle cake, it's got the cinnamon shit, maple, whatever, running through it. They should just sell those.
Hey, hey. We're just talking about trying to get into Hollywood. That's old. You brought it up. That's old stuff. That's the old me. I don't do that.
No! I swear to God! They're so worn in perfectly. They're basically sweat. They're almost pajamas at this point. Because I wash them so much. They're very thin. I don't believe any of that.
$200 is available immediately. The rest is available the next 24 hours or 48, whatever.
But you got 400 beans. I don't think that's illegal. The check can cover it. As long as the check can cover what you... As long as you don't say it's $1,000.
I remember when I first started doing that stuff, how generous they were with the first couple of times you could really overdraft and then they'd slam you.
That's a lot of it. I never got sick, though.
Oh, man. That's all right. I like that. That seems borderline.
Took the 200 out, though.
I thought I had $200 more than that. Just put it to the test. No. Write me a check. Uh-uh. We don't have a checkbook. We don't? What kind of operation are you running here? What? We don't have a company checkbook? I don't have one. Do you?
You don't have one of those big books where you write checks? Who would I be writing checks to?
No, of course. Yeah, okay, so you make the corn on the cob, which always came out later. You go to the farm.
Which was always, my mom never timed that out right. The corn on the, I was already done. And then she's like, the corn on the cob's ready. That was always like after you had your regular meal. I kind of see that. You know what I'm saying? Maybe. It's your boiling water, you dumb broad. Get it fucking, get the timing right. You really love your mother, huh? Hey, Patty, I love you. You dumb bitch.
And Amy. That's what I say about you and I. What? It's one of the reasons why I'm really starting this journey hard. What? One of us has got to be attractive.
But it was always a couple minutes after.
I heard what you were saying. Your hot ass. I picked up what you were laying down. It was always a couple minutes later.
They got the more beans. You guys love your beans. We do. We love our baked beans at the Foley House. Joey's doctors them up, too.
In the summer, on the weekends, when the family comes over, if Patty's having people, you know, the kids are swimming or whatever, I'll work the grill, you know, whatever, salmon or the steaks or chicken or whatever we're doing. Luke just audibly laughed at that. Why? I work the grill, dickhead. What are you talking about? I'll do a salmon on the grill. You won't know what to do.
And I do a little mayonnaise dill. That's not a sex move. Salmon on the grill. You got to pay for that. Reverse cowgirl. I do it nice. All right? They don't see me like that. Who? My family. See you like what? Like the joke he thinks I am. Okay, all right. I've seen them interact with you. I've seen them see you. Well, when it comes to the grill, I get respect. Okay. None of them cook salmon.
No one in your family can cook salmon? Nobody can cook salmon but me, I swear to God.
Listen, you say – Because they don't know the technique about the – How am I supposed to believe that?
Yeah, he cooks salmon.
He cooks a lot. He's a good baker. He can bake. If he can bake him bread, he can cook a fucking... Anybody can cook salmon. He comes at you with cookies, and he does a great job. Yeah, he's good. Yeah, so I believe he could cook salmon. All right, fine. But I do the cooking. I cook the salmon. You're getting... We get the salmon or the steak going on the grill. And now there's steak, too.
You deserve it there. This guy's fucking nuts. Whatever side she does, but then she has a big pot of boiling water, and it always feels like the meal's already done, and then the corn's ready. We're always having the corn after. I understand that. That's not what it was. So if you had a stick of butter. Am I taking crazy pills today? Before anybody took it.
Shall we keep him around? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to work on that for us.
It's a big pot of water. She never times it out right. How long it takes it to get boiling, I think, is what it is. Or she forgets.
Anyway, I respect that move. Have a nice piece of butter. I agree. I think it should have its own brand new stick of butter.
As long as you're not the first guy through the door.
And then just do like you're putting makeup on it. OK.
Sure. It's just that you're holding it like this and you're going like that.
Oh, oh, I gotcha.
I was thinking about getting rid of the beard, too. No.
No, my dad would do that. And they do that now in nice joints. When they make like a cold salad and they have like cold corn in there and they're like in little pieces, that's good eating. That's good. My dad used to love that. I remember when I got too old for him to do it. He's like, do it yourself.
Because I don't... Well, let me do a touch of gray.
See, now we're on the same page.
When I was a kid, that was expensive. Yeah, that just... We weren't getting that. We weren't that kind of... I used to love it. When my other friends had it, it was so buttery and good and just taking your time. Then eventually...
That would happen with frozen burgers sometimes, too. You couldn't get them in there. Yeah, no, but this was because if you're starting to fucking... It's like making a watch.
She's upstairs making sweet love to herself. My co-host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies. And he is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman. And let me tell you this right now. Next time you're reaching for a best pal, do yourself a favor. Make it a keppy. Earl LaCroix, whatever you want.
I bet you when Porky came back from the gym, he's hungry.
I would always get in trouble, too, if I couldn't do it, and I'd put it back. It would look like birds got at it. What the hell happened to the cheese? It's all broken apart. I don't know. It's hanging from my lip.
And it would rip.
I've been trying to start doing that a little bit more. Wash my face, put a little moisturizer on, brush my teeth before I go to bed. You'll be the hot one in no time. Brush my teeth. Because I keep waking up in the morning and my teeth hurt. I don't think that's a good thing. You got a little coat of Sensodyne. I'm all right. Did you ever have your hair hurt? What? Yeah. My hair hurt. Uh-huh.
It's nice when you get to fold it back up and you put it back nice. I know. It's like a money holder.
What a fun one.
Gang, we love you to death. Grab some tickets for the shows in April. Yes. Right? Check out that Route 66 store if you haven't. Like we said, we appreciate all the love and support for it, and we love you, and we'll see you next week. Peace.
My pubes a little bit. They got to scratch them out.
They're getting wiry, too. All right, dude. It's thick.
I trimmed it up. But she had to do it, so it kind of takes it away a little bit. I can't ask the girl at the nail place to do it. They'll throw me out again. Go down there with the fucking welding mask on.
If you really want to know, I got to hold up my belly.
So did you ask somebody about the coffee?
Where were you that you didn't know your surroundings? In the mall. You were in the mall? Uh-huh. You saw a guy with a coffee? Saw a guy with a coffee. Did you know the branding of the coffee? Yeah, Starbucks. So you said, hey, where's that Starbucks? I said, hey, man, where'd you get that coffee? What, are you looking at chitchat? Why don't you just look at the map like a normal person?
Look at the map. You asked somebody? I would have treated you like an asshole. I got it at Starbucks.
I'm surprised you did something like that. Talk to a stranger like that.
I'm a 38-year-old business owner. That's not your MO. What? Hey, where'd you get that?
Huh. Yeah. But I think it's true. I would have told you to fuck off. I'm a tough guy now.
Then I'm going to kick your ass. Oh, God, man. Yeah. That made me think of, I can't remember what it was. I might have told you this, but I dropped something on the street and I was bending over to pick it up and it was taking me a minute. And this old lady walked by. She's like, I wouldn't be able to get that either. Fucking old bitch.
What happened? I slumped you, huh? Brutal. Which, that's getting better. My flexibility is getting better. My bend down is getting better. What's good? Be attractive in no time. The hot one. The good looking one. What does that make you?
I mean, you do have... If we want to get a script of things and stuff like that, you got to get somebody good looking. Pull this thing off. Something for the poster. Something for the kids.
It's yellowy. Is it? Yeah. Unless I get a little color, I'm all right. That's why I'm doing this thing at night. That's why I asked you. The creams? Whatever. What? Tallow. Beef tallow.
My own charcuterie board.
I'd move to Florida. We could go clean up in Florida. You know what he'd be doing down there? Running a weight. Why? I don't know. Make moves. Okay, yeah, sure. Cocaine cowboys. They wouldn't catch us.
I told you I started with the face shit. That's where you start. Start the face, work your way down.
I started pulling, too.
Yeah. Edging. No, pulling.
That's what the college kids are doing, right?
I saw it on Instagram the other day. You have to have somebody else to sit there with you. Hmm? To move the bed.
I'd be good at that. Get me in there.
You know what I mean? That's what I said. It's a goddamn family episode. Family program. You're talking about this filth. Uh-huh. I asked you what your nighttime routine was. You start talking about dirty shit.
That's right, baby. I had a question for you before we get started. Hit me. I've been trying to take better care of myself. All right. I didn't know we were going to start off. What? In Foleyville. Therapy. One of the pills.
That was you. No. Yeah. It's not what the... Read the meeting minutes back.
That is a... That kills me at the end.
I mean, obviously, when Bruce Willis goes like this and he just accepts it, the flash hits him. But fucking Ben Affleck banging on that window. He was great. Liv Tyler was great. But the guy who the wife wouldn't tell the kid that it was his dad. Remember, he was the gambler. He had the curly hair. He was the coach in Remember the Titans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when he gets back down there.
That teddy bear's all fucked up at the end. He's got Cyrus the Virus all over it. Steve Buscemi's brains are all over that thing.
Dave Chappelle gets it. He does die, yeah. He dies early.
It gets thrown out, right? He falls.
keppy you see this we got this route 66 special dropping you ain't lying big man we got the live shows from every city on the tour plus the boys on the bus see in this great country of ours it's dropping february 25th on our youtube page make sure you tune in to the live premiere welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage
Woo. I don't know enough. I know that's not the good one.
Shout out to Punky Brewster. Were you left to make your own food most of the time? Yes. Is he coming home from the forklift factory and cooking? That ain't happening.
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It's one of those things where you're like, I didn't know I was walking around like a proper... Homeless person.
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We're laughing now, but it's for sure traumatized you.
This is Christina. She likes hot dogs. And he has as he walks upstairs, it's yeah, it's just like a hot dog.
That's I mean, that's most divorce family. That's most divorce.
She's talking hot dogs and cold. Chef Boyardee.
I did that about three weeks ago. This podcast is built on Stouffer's French bread pizza.
I thought I was European the first time I had that. I was like, what in the world? I don't have a passport. How did I get this? Followed up with an international delight.
I mean, budget's in the name.
What grocery store was that? Albertsons, of course. That's a good establishment.
Nancy, if you're still alive. You can close ass if you can do it in a supermarket transaction. You can close. There's 1% of guys. That's a 90-second transaction. Plus, he's got you right there coming up to work.
It's devastating. Her mother died. It was tragic.
You were just doing whatever you wanted.
Were you stealing? I feel like you were stealing.
That's not educational. It's an education in swinging. That's what that is. That's one step below hedonism. It's crazy.
I mean, meanwhile, she's like fending for herself. You're like, this dude's crushing A's. He's traveling. Meanwhile, she's like emotionally detached. You're trapped in the ice machine at a hotel? She has a pyromania problem developing. She's stealing. She's clearly acting out. He's living his life. The Indian guy, who knows where he is? Your dad took you to Club Med.
You're going to be up there. Most requested guest, and it's not even close.
to anybody everybody's out to get you so I was very like I don't know it was sturdy you know well that's I mean when you have to learn to fend for yourself it's like you grow up you have your heads on a swivel of like
I mean, I wasn't at club med with my dad.
Holy shit. Wait, school nights? Yeah. This guy cares about an American education system? Yeah. You nuts. How were your grades? Were you a good student?
There's no, you know, he's not like, did you do your homework, Christina? You know what I mean?
That's a good name. I would like to spend some time at the beef. Were you like the bar kid where everybody's, oh, Christina, there she is. And they go over, they go, here, put the, give you like $2. Save this for your, go buy yourself candy. Yes.
Yeah, I like it's like I walk into a dive bar and it's like I can tell right away if the if the coke's good.
Grew up and hanging out in bars, eating chicken fingers at the bar, playing the photo hunt. My dad, I mean, my whole family's alcoholic. So am I. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's just who we are.
Just Irish drunk construction workers.
Yeah, like, oh, it's fun. We're dancing. We're having a good time.
What does the Indian stepdad do?
Also, that's a book, My Indian Stepdad. The mastermind criminal? That's really good. My Indian stepdad is the name of your next special something.
No one's ever said that.
Because Indian guys wouldn't say my Indian stepdad. They would just be their stepdad.
You are. I mean, you casually say that. What does that look like? You're like, nobody's like, oh, yeah, you're just milking copperheads.
You find the holes, yeah. Yeah.
You should be a super villain by now. The fact you haven't turned this for evil and you live a life for comedy is crazy. Are you going to murder us when we're done?
Is your mom very attractive? She was stunning. Yeah.
Why aren't you going through the letters with your mom? Hey, do you want to bang this Indian dude? That's crazy.
The big cars. The Zack Morris. That's pretty good. What also? Dude, posing for that in the 80s? That's money.
Just like perfectly intertwined. There was no like friction. Their craziness is married and did well.
Yeah. I mean, you're not going to do that, go home, then go get ice cream. You're going to knock it all out while you're in the car.
Also, you opened this up when he was the most paternal person.
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Also, like, you can go to the nice restaurant. It's not like you're in the highest class. It's like you can go to the nice restaurant.
I was like white out in a typewriter and you could do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do that for our employees if they're trying to get a lease or something. If somebody was trying to get a lease and they're like, I don't make enough. I'm like, I write the checks. Yeah, you do. What are you talking about? You don't have New York if you document the papers, right? Idiots. Yeah, I have that thing of like.
What are they, in the circus? I mean, aren't they like eight and five? That's, I mean.
Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, there was. Not criminal, but just morally questionable. They're not loan sharks. Let's put it that way. A lot of family members don't talk to each other anymore. Let's just leave it at that.
With bad ink or something.
Talk about playing the long game. I like it, though. Those things were hard to get and expensive at the time. Everybody would go, the ink's where they get you.
Well, yeah, the printer's 100 bucks, but you're spending 80 every month on inkjet.
That was big. Blue jeans and Beatles tapes.
Yeah, the Europeans, they love that shit. They still don't have Levi's really over there. They do a little bit now, but still for the longest time there's no Levi's.
This is all before 18. That's fucking crazy. Then I got into fifth grade. Fifth grade.
Working in marketing research at 15?
What are you doing though there? Like receptionist?
That's crazy. You were doing Ponzi schemes? That's crazy.
Working in an Indian call center?
Yeah, the phone girl. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine.
I know my way around a pallet jack.
I used to sell electric forklift batteries at one point.
They do. And the guy I was working for had a chemical process. You could refill those. Well, that's what he was doing. He was, he was, they were, it was called new life batteries. It would make, he would take, we'd buy old batteries.
And then he had some sort of chemical process where he could.
Reanimate. You had to like 80% of their whatever or something like that.
You have that Eastern Bloc fucking, you know, no surrender, no retreat in you.
You were trying to disarm a nine-year-old.
It was a, you know, a structure in a life of chaos, essentially.
Do you buy them knives or are they like kitchen knives?
That hit me not on a human level, not podcast. I'm like, Jesus Christ.
I don't know what these people are doing.
That was going to be my next question.
Nine something, eight something?
The thousand is the barometer.
When there's a fucking machine gun going off out front. Yeah. Getting death threats at the house every third call.
What was the first concert? Your goth?
You've lived so many lives.
The pyramid scheme ones. Those are the best. That was one of the first AYG questions. Have you ever tried to sell Cutco knives, which a lot of people have done.
Have you done acid, too? No.
He's a drinker. I'm a drinker. I go on a long line of like, you don't do drugs, but we'll give you beers at 14 on a ride home from the party.
He threw a no-hitter on it.
They really were. Only between 93 and 98. So get your time machine, folks, if you really want to go far out.
That's a great one. That's pretty classy. That might be one of the best ones.
It wasn't all happening, Jack. Fucking Joe Hollywood.
A middle-class struggle. Yeah.
I got to get into show business. Three granola for everybody? Nice crafties, all right. Sure.
Bug spray. We used to use it as bug spray in Philadelphia for some reason.
That was a huge story. You're like Forrest Gump. I know. You were at Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr's wedding. How many times have you met Richard Nixon?
And you're like in the fold because you're sitting next to the daughter. So you're like in the fucking fold.
Welcome to the show. Yeah, exactly.
No, yeah, money will just amplify whatever issue you have going on. It's like, you know, you just buy, you know, stupid shit.
Well, yeah, we've always said, too, like it's not money doesn't it doesn't depend on money. And it's also like money can get like maybe your kids will be 10 percent different. But like you're just less trashy because you're they didn't have to do what you did last night. What are you talking about?
I had a jewelry store after this. Smash and grab jobs.
All right, let's run through a handful of the standards.
Like, I waited years before I... Yeah, you could have done it 30, 20 years ago. Sure. I could have done it... Yeah. You could have done it way before right now.
It's also like the same... It's like a Camry. You can lease it for $400 a month. Honda Civic.
Sure. So I went back and bought my first car. I mean, it was only like, yeah, it's a 1995 Chevy Lumina. And it was like seven grand more than when I bought it in fucking 2000 or 90, whatever it was. Sweet.
A waste of money. My wife's like, are you kidding me? I also find it funny because like Tom. Smoke cigarettes in there though. Yeah.
I like because Tom's into cars and I'm like, I'll just, I want to go buy a bunch of like, I want to buy like a Corolla from 93. Yeah. Just have like a warehouse of shitty cars.
Just shitty 1990 cars. Yeah.
What was the go-to cig? What were you smoking?
I've been all over the road, but yeah.
I smoked a Benson and Hedges. We found a pack of Benson and Hedges in the Oxford Valley Mall parking lot, and we smoked them, and we threw up. Like, I mean, it was bad.
That was the last 12 years. The last 15 years are probably Marlboro Lights, yeah. You're good. Yeah.
I did. We both just quit two months ago.
I'm only two months out. They're still the coolest thing that's ever happened to me.
A Percocet's from 95. The best.
I smoked weed at like 12 or 13.
You did weed brownies at nine?
It's very interesting. It's very exciting. It's very unique. Very awesome.
Obviously now you're doing quite well, right? Let's say I invited you to my wedding, right? What is that gift going to be? What's the check going to be? What are you dropping as a gift?
Yeah, I've heard, you know, so-and-so came in, they, you know. I got a couple.
I feel like this is because this isn't our typical set. I feel like we're sitting down with a murderer. Like we're over here. She's over there with an active wound. And we're like, so where was the knife when you entered the room? Christina, what are you doing here?
I was notoriously. He left like a DVD of Entourage sign. But then I heard that.
I heard that bounce back. They were like, they asked for they're like, oh, we don't have it. So like he went, he had one and gave it. He could just be lying.
I was at her wedding. SJP? He was giving her mozzarella sticks. What are you talking about?
Holy shit. Have you ever owned a lava lamp?
No shit. In your room? In the bedroom?
I mean, back in the day. I don't know about now. You're scaring the poor thing.
Yes, which we want to get into. Yeah, we want to get into this.
Those are dangerous. She's got a bigger problem.
The kid's got an itchy trigger finger. What's the air freshener in the car now? Do you have an air freshener in there?
You're eating in the car?
That's a promo. That's a fancy move.
When those dropped, I thought you were like one of the Kennedys. You go over to someone's house, they had one of them, I go, whoa. Has anyone ever pooped in here? Things are going well.
Yeah. You do dress very nice. We were talking about it before you got here, because she's going to come correct. Of course. I've got to put my best Dickies jacket on.
You brush your teeth in the shower?
Oh, you're a dirtbag. Lady, you are a real one.
Because it's... They're not fun. I brush my teeth in the shower.
Yeah, but I leave my... My toothbrush doesn't live in the shower.
Yeah, no, I picked it up when you said that. Yeah, mine doesn't.
Are you... What kind of toothbrush? Are you just like a regular CVS toothbrush or you got something good?
I don't know if anybody saw that. You're doing your hot jumping showers?
You got to give it a dab, a little dab will do you.
Are you planning on showering like you were getting you were running the shower or this is like, hey, I got lunch in 20 minutes. I'm going to I got to shit. That's a fat guy move. That's a dump and jump.
That's right. I was just trying to think. I was calling it a hot jump. It's a dump and jump. I've never met a woman.
He was getting his alibi straight. Yeah. I was at the bar all night. I don't know what she's talking about. Keep your fucking mouth shut.
If we went over your house right now and I asked for a water, what am I going to get? What can you offer me? You're going to get a switchblade in his stomach. What's up, fatty? Who are you two losers?
Okay. This is my deal, Jerry.
Yeah, just whatever bottle.
Do you have a sparkling water available if I felt so inclined?
A Perrier? A Perrier? A Gerosteiner?
Perrier? I don't think I am. Perrier. Sounds like a dog. He's a quarterback for the... Hey, Perrier. Hey, Flab.
Yeah. My wife put me onto it. European.
And I just started liking it. It's so good. It feels like it's biting you back. I don't like it.
I'm eating the maraschino chips. Don't you dare. They're my favorite. You think that's our biggest problem? What do you mean? I got heart disease.
Those things hit different.
I'd go if I had no idea, I would figure it out. I'd go to a buddy's house and say, let me bum a Sig. Wow. I can't do that.
I think we all should go to therapy after this. Primarily her, but I think a little dab could do me not too bad either. I mean, she's 100% fucking trash. LA, Euro, Canadian, Indian trash.
I mean, you might be the, you're the queen. I think a new queen has been crowned. We've had a run lately. Yeah. Man.
I mean, it's just such an eclectic, like we had Eleanor Kerrigan.
But South Philly trash, so it's like, she's so specific. Yours is like... Lawns on fire, shootout, hedonism. You're all over them, kicked out of school. Yours is eclectic.
You can't hide it. You can never hide it. You are who you are. It only amplifies it.
They're nice ones, too. You go out stunting, show up to the gym, look at Mercedes tracksuit, look.
There's some adhesive involved. Some iodine?
Probably running from the cops or something.
No, but we've been skiing.
Your husband ain't great. I ain't gonna lie to you.
Yeah, he's a very classy guy. Guy-wise, it's like Dusty Slay's really bad. Nate's really bad.
His dad's a clown. That's one of the questions.
Without, like, he won't run it by his wife. He'll just, like, not even ask her, hey, I'm getting something. He'll just get it. He's doing secret ops. Yeah, get it delivered. Be like, leave it by the driveway. He'll, like, eat it by the car.
Unless I'm, like, drunk in a hotel at 2 a.m.,
How do you eat in the car? I assume.
What's up? Or you're probably not growing up or at any point. What were what did you lean more like a TGI Fridays and Applebee's and Outback Steakhouse or Ruby Tuesdays? What are you?
And he's just there just spitting game.
This is your third favorite.
It's very middle of the road. There's no zest. There's no pop to it. I agree with you.
Now, if you get takeout, do you get takeout to the house?
Will you plate that, or do you eat it out of the bag?
You need some cause, though. You know, you need medical attention. I know. That's what you need. Not more Band-Aids. I know. It's never more band-aids.
You had a major surgery. You can't eat before anesthesia.
You're going to get punched in the face.
Oh, my stepmom. I mean, we were a blue box. She's going to beat up. We were the generic craft family, my mom. That's mine, yeah. But then my stepmom threw Velveeta with that saucy cheese.
Blew my dick in. It was crazy. With the shells.
Oh, yeah. I had diarrhea. I mean, yeah. I was in and out of the hospital for stomach cramps most of my young life.
Do you have any shaky cheese on you?
It's in your DNA. There's no shake cheese. You're a dirt bag.
Okay. I mean, we have to do nine more installments.
Oh Two of those on potato roll buns. Good night.
Like Myers potato rolls.
It's like a classier. It might be an East Coast thing. I don't know. It's like a classier bun.
No, they definitely have potato rolls out here.
Oh, I remember that. Oh, we talked about the packaging. I remember.
Microwave cheese dog is my favorite. The cheese burst out a little bit.
Yes, I had them not too long ago.
The only reason I go to weddings. Home run. Post up by the door. Them and Little Smokies.
She's getting Hickory Farms, dude.
Are you doing the food shopping now?
You're Bagel Bites or Tostino's Pizza Roll Gal?
That's, hey, you've proven with your track record. I'll let that slide. That's the communism in you right there. That's crazy talk. No fun before noon.
I don't think I've ever had one. Those never flew in the house.
Did you have health insurance growing up? Such a good question. In 400 episodes, I've never had to ask it, but I feel like it might. If you have health insurance now, let's start there.
I was. No, I don't fuck with oatmeal. Yeah.
I don't touch it. Don't touch the stuff.
100% garbage. Yeah, not even close. New queen. Thank you so much. Well, I'm glad we did it now rather than two years ago. We had to make sure our skills are sharpened and stiffed it out, and it's...
They're super fancy. She's a classy girl.
Love you. Thank you so much. Guys, check out the special February 25th on the YouTube page. Tour dates are going. Shows are selling out. Everything available at AreYouGarbage.com.
You're at the ER in a fake name.
Yes. No. No, we were. It was like a collision. It was like we got in a car and you had to go.
You did? I was still in cavities. We were mainly at cavities. I remember having so many cavities. One time my mom yelled at me when I got in the car. She goes, they're going to take you away. I had like 13 cavities at eight years old. They're going to take you away. They're taking you away for bad teeth. Where will they take you?
I don't know. The dentist's house? I don't know. Dude, my teeth were falling out of my head. It was bad.
A couple of Zanny bars or something? A couple of tombstones, take the edge off.
Because I saw a fact I wasn't aware of today. Where you were born.
I wouldn't send you to the dentist either. What the fuck?
What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube and now Spotify. Shout out to it.
The specials drop in February 25th. Make sure you subscribe to the YouTube page, the whole nine yards.
So he made enough money to start a small business. Yes.
He's California girls, huh? I just picture him riding away on his forklift.
So then you stayed primarily with mom?
Who remarries an Indian guy? I've never heard that. I know! I've never heard that my mom remarried an Indian guy. What? I mean, that's wild.
That ain't bad. Never mind. I wish my mom remarried.
Once they split, that's where your mom went.
And what was your dad's house like?
When you're with your dad.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
I'm sorry.
No walls.
Whoa. I get it.
100%.
And I'd like to.
Okay.
Yeah.
Of course.
When it's out, you're back here, baby.
Yeah.
It's like, that's our planet.
There is a Wawa three minutes away. Wow. That's dope.
The silence that followed that. We're like, okay.
Through and through.
Shut up. Take care of that.
Beef and ketchup.
As he's cleaning a handgun blindfolded. Reading a lot of war stories. That's what's next to the toilet for him in his private time.
You guys bought a house?
Yeah.
Do it.
Yeah.
Like what?
It gives you a headache. I can't do this. Yeah.
Shut it down. No shit. That's what I'm saying. Dementor.
At gunpoint, he asked him to leave it.
Get my wooden knuckles out.
Yeah. He's the real king of the burbs. I stink. Yeah.
Yeah, the deer ticks, you can't hardly see.
Fucking chill out. He welcomes intruders. You know what I mean?
When I was really young. That's what she used to eat. That's not great.
You went to Little Caesars, actually.
No, but that's just because I'm allergic.
You're doing that wrong. It's real. Pretty nerve-wracking introducing him to my girlfriends. That's pretty nerve-wracking. That's how you're going to carve that turkey, huh?
We don't know. But what would you say is in the fridge? Midnight meat is also a Patreon tier.
Yeah. Look at his face right now.
You'll be all right.
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Just you burping. Were we going to Cincinnati?
Just still on the Ozone. Okay.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.
Playoffs?
We're talking about scoring touchdowns as a key to winning playoffs, and you can score big by betting on them with DraftKings.
I'd rather have you throw it on the ground. I'll show you insane behavior.
I never had it.
Billionaire's Row.
Ruffellos?
Let me tell you what's wrong.
Slow it down a little bit.
When you borrow off of somebody enough, especially when it's small bills, small petty stuff, I can imagine that that was a situation when you have to stand there and you know they're sick of fucking giving you money. They're sick of hearing the story.
When they have to go and get their wallet. My wallet's in my jeans. Go get it. They tell you to go get it. Oh, man. They walk back to get it. I only got 20 on me. And say, all right, I'll take that.
Yeah. That's just the way you stand. You think you're a man. No, you don't. I've never thought that. No, I'm saying in general, you think you're a man. Sure. But then you stand there.
Trying to fill the nervous energy.
It's fucking crazy.
You had to chase me.
No, but I was such a dirtbag, I would test the waters a little bit to see if somebody was... I don't want to say Mark.
And that was kind of the society a little bit. People were borrowing off each other. But they were all paying each other back.
How good's my credit with you? Uh-huh. Yeah.
I don't feel like these kids.
He wants an extra slice of meatloaf. You gave it to him.
We're all going to be working for this guy one day.
I'm saying it's different. They didn't get it in one fell swoop. They did it like they saved the money that they did. Like my birthday money. No, they saved the money that they made working last summer at some pizza place.
Organization.
That's $0.87.
And he was the majority. He was the richest owner. Sure. And I was hitting him up. And he, like, I think he loaned it to me.
Oh, yeah.
I don't want the salad. That's what I say.
Shout out the blue chew. Listen, you get a little bit older, you get a little bit heavier. Things start slowing down a little bit.
They can help you lose weight, too.
That's right. They got all that good stuff.
That's nuts.
The top of the bat to me is what you hold. That's the top of the bat. In my head. No.
Okay, then how do you cover that hole at the top of the bat?
Go to your bed.
Keeping off the books.
Just testing the waters.
Like, significantly. Like, this was significant.
Yeah, you are.
I don't know. I was in front of you guys when I did it. We were enjoying something. Egg bites? Had to be egg bites. We haven't got lunch in a couple of days. I ain't gonna lie.
Yeah. Or to just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, Dave Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition.
He stayed with us for a couple of weeks.
Then they start getting together.
Where'd you get this stuff?
A little merkin?
When you turn it on, right?
Okay, that's different. Yeah, I've never cleaned an oven.
It's gross.
Don't. Don't do it. I don't want to have this.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman. He's my best pal in the whole wide world.
That's a juicy burger right there.
That was like Steakums. They were hit or miss trying to get those things apart.
That if you put an ice cube in the middle of the burger.
Then it starts sticking with the toothpaste and this and that.
How about that, huh?
Wait, you would get... That's even weirder.
It feels weird.
Gang tickets for the Back on the Block Tour are going quick, baby, so get them wet and getting is good.
What do you know about or frames or or or I love or a frame? Of course you do. And Mother's Day is coming up. What's the best gift you could get your mom, the broad, even grandparents, uncles, aunts, anybody? What's the best present you could get for a broad this Mother's Day?
Aura Frames, ladies and gentlemen, if you want a guaranteed grand slam home run, if you want your mother-in-law to be like, I can't believe you got this, mommy. It's so nice now I can know what everybody's doing. Aura Frames is the way to go. Digital photo frame. You upload right there. She gets to keep up what everybody's doing.
Do yourself a favor, score a home run this Mother's Day and pick up an Aura Frames.
Yes.
Kippy, let's talk about Blue Chew, baby. Boner alert. Boner alert. Calling all you soft noodles out there and your limp dicks. I'm one of them. Not only a spokesman, I'm also a client. Player president. Listen, you get a little older, you put on a little weight, things start slowing down a little bit. The T's not the same as it used to be. It's a little watered down, if you know what I mean.
Do yourself a favor. The next time the mood strikes you and the lady or the guy or whatever you're up to, Do yourself a favor and get some Blue Chew. We're talking about the same active ingredients as in Cialis. You're ready to go. It's like a... The old thunder stick.
He has not one but two specials out on YouTube right now. It's a double part, them and they crowd work special, proving once again why he truly is one of the best stand-up comedians working today. Give it up for Big Jay Oakerson, everybody. Thank you, gentlemen. Look at him. Double album, hitting him with it. He's just smashing pumpkins.
Hornets, run!
These mosquitoes killing you guys too, huh?
Just distract from the terrible things he's saying. He's a goddamn pop-up, I tell you. Big can of offs, trying to cover himself up. Why don't you say we take the night?
I know. I saw you do it, too.
Sir, you're going to take off your Margaritaville hat for this. And have a seat.
If they were bringing you down, would you get a minute to change?
Put on your good chain wallet.
They are?
I have dress pants upstairs if you guys want to excuse me. Does anyone have a belt by any chance?
It's that tight? Huh? It cinches that tight? You can make it as tight as you want. No, but I'm saying it holds that tight? The magnet's that strong? These are heavy-duty magnets. These ain't fridge magnets. Damn.
It's the strongest magnet. Damn, that's fucking university level strong.
That's like the utility belt Bart Simpson got. Put it back on now. You took it off real slick. Sitting down? No, no, no. Who is he, Matt Damon? This guy thinks he's a 50-year-old. I'm not Al Borland, for God's sake.
No, I'm just busting your chops.
Buddy, 36 is fucking, you're there. That's unreal.
I think about that all the time. And that's one of the bad excuses that gets in your head. He's like, well, I'm going to have to get surgery for all that loose skin.
I know a guy who lost a bunch of weight. He got a tummy cut. He had to get a new belly button.
I wouldn't mind. Would you do no belly button?
Does nothing go alien? Can you imagine freaking people out deep?
The Immaculate Conception.
All those pictures and statues have belly buttons. He's two beers deep.
I think I got it. There's a bunch of cardinals in the Vatican right now. Sir, the guy in the loose pants foiled us.
Oh, shit. He's not worried about eating all day. Wait, did Jesus have a belly button? Oh, I would love to fucking.
A bigger hang.
Sure.
He goes drop your pants to your knees Hard for okay.
Yeah, the anesthesia. Because those are long procedures. And that's another thing to think about. Do all that work. You lose all the weight. You go in and you're about to start closing a hot ass because you're skinny. Then you fucking die on the operating table because of the anesthesia getting the belly button put in.
Yeah. You have the good legs, though. Bird has the good legs. You have the good legs. I got the, what's his name? Who plays for the Roots? Oh. Quest Love. Yeah, I get the Quest Love. You got lunch lady ass.
Oh, really? You can do it. Yeah, see I do that I'll be outside smoking or something like that and I'll look around and I'll see like the grossest woman ever Oh, yeah 37 Like this built like a pirate. Oh, yeah, fuck. What am I doing? Yeah, I think about what I look like people see me smoking They must have been like what the fuck is wrong with this guy?
Yeah. He's got a bowling pin. A couple of bass drums in there. Looks like a queen termite or something like that. No disrespect, obviously. You got it, too. Yeah, my legs were always fine.
Brazilian butt lift?
It comes out the side. I just saw an episode of Miss Pat Settles It where a guy was suing a plastic surgeon because he was supposed to get like 300 or 900 CCs. Yeah, he was getting it done. And he only had like twenty five hundred bucks or whatever. He only had half of the money. So the lady put in half of the of the CCs of stuff and his ass don't look right.
And he was suing her because it didn't it did. He needed more.
Did you have a jacket for the untucked shirt at the wedding? No. So you just had untucked regular dress shirt. Yeah, you didn't have a jacket? Do you have a tie? No. Dress like you're all Miss Pat Settleson. Yeah.
They thought you were a hater. You just got done your shift.
Yeah, I'm going to go get my magnet belt and then see what you have to say.
Probably going to pull my N1 shorts on in case I got to fuck this dude up. Hope you don't got a pacemaker in.
Shout out to N1. All right, let's do some cues for Mr. Oakerson.
This has been... Totally not me. Kip, what do you say about True Classics? Ooh, love that. OG True Classics. Love them. The best t-shirts in the biz. I'm wearing one right now. It's comfy. It fits perfect. And I absolutely love it. Do yourself a favor. Go to True Classics. And they don't just got t-shirts anymore. Talking about activewear. We're talking about nice quality stuff. Yes.
Don't be wasting money on shitty t-shirts at Walmart or wherever. Order them on True Classics. They wash great. They feel great. And you will thank us after.
So, gang, forget the overpriced designer nonsense. Skip the cheap throwaways. True Classics delivers premium, essential, built for real life. Grab yours at Target or Costco or head over to trueclassic.com slash garbage to get hooked up today. Now back to the show. Back to the show. This has been floating around the office a little bit, too. You're having a couple. There's a couple parts to it.
So let's say you're having a housewarming party or whatever. Everybody's coming over. Some fringe people. That's not like your tight circle. It's, you know, associates and stuff like that. First of all, is the upstairs off limits? For you?
Yes. Are the bedroom doors all closed and kind of- No, let's say not day to day.
Yeah.
I don't have anything humiliating out that I worry about, I guess. There's a master bathroom in your bedroom, right? Sure, yeah. Now, what if somebody had to use the bathroom to go number two, and they wanted to use that bathroom? Would you be okay with that? When there is a ample hall bathroom.
But dumping downstairs anywhere near that party, I could ruin that party. It's true.
I say that's the end. The party's over. And the second part is, if you go to a party like that, okay, say you were at not Louis' house, because I feel like you guys are too close, but like, I don't know.
Christine's family or something like that. Something where it's an away game, and you've got to do a bad dump.
Okay, let's say you're at Louie's house. Louie's having a party. Louie's having a party at his new house or whatever. There's a bunch of people there, all that stuff. You've got to take a dump. Matt Damon and us. Where are you going to go take that dump? Oh, I. What are you going to do?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you wouldn't make the move there?
Just to let your body... Try.
I was over it. I confess to him today. I had a couple on Thursday. I was dealing with something. I had a couple. But it's funny. Is it real ID? God damn it. Can't find his DMV. Did you get yours, by the way?
VU?
Yeah, that's VU.
So you wouldn't appreciate me pooping in your bathroom?
I'll have Tony get it.
I'm not going to let taking a dump ruin my day. I'm out there living my life.
Now that's 20%.
It wasn't Red Sky. What do they do at a doing piano place?
What? See, fuck that. What?
So they go back and forth?
Okay.
Oh, man, if you're the piano player and you disappear for ten minutes and come back, one sleeve's rolled up.
You got caution tape on you.
Is it your idea? Relax.
That's like old baseball coach shit doing that.
The Phillies are winning. All right. Okay. It's enough potty talk.
Do you ever get into that? You ever hit the heavy bag or any of that boxing shit at the gym?
Where was this hung up? Because a lot of them are hung up improperly. This one was. Yeah.
And it's got the garage door right there?
Well, they keep pushing it. I feel like they're going to push it again. Nobody's gotten it. I feel like they're going to also.
Slugging him with body shots. Against the wall. Like if you already got it down. Yeah. Just like you fucking pussy. Just hitting him with short fucking.
This is how you fight a guy that's sleeping.
Then I'd go, this is not how you're supposed to do it.
We had a kid who hurt himself in high school, did something to his leg, and he was – I can't remember what the reason was. He was either too short or something like that, but he had to have the – Arm crutches. Yeah, the ones that you get when you have like – Cerebral palsy. Yeah. That's not for injuries.
Yeah, but I saw something today. You mentioned Finoja dealing with it. I was curious to get some intel. They said that if there might be a separate line for people with the passport. Like if you don't have the real ID. I got TSA pre-check. I'm not taking my goddamn shoes off. No, fuck that. And they said it could be an extra half an hour. I took my computer out. I'm going to throw it at them.
I was always amazed by people like that. Like, they would be like, oh, I just got fired or whatever. And then they'd be like, yeah, they gave me three months. Take the summer off, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You never had a huge thing like that when you were a kid, right? No, no.
Either in or out.
Wow.
You got Agent Orange? Not bad. I didn't know I was with royalty. Little Camp Lejeune bad water. There you go. What are you bitching about?
Yeah, they said it could be an extra half an hour. What's this all about anyway? What's this for? Taliban.
I didn't get that reference. That's a deep cut either. You guys never saw Little Orphan Annie? The movie Annie? He had a movie. No, with Yul Brynner. He had an Indian guy that worked for him that could fly planes with his mind? No, no, Yul Brynner and Annie. Yeah, Yul Brynner. Oh, no, was it Albert Finney?
Oh, okay.
Yes.
The guy that never had it, never willed?
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Hell yeah. It's our little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. Or they're just a big old piece of trash. Garbage. I'm your host, Dave Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.
You're in Comfort Plus with an Everybody Loves Cox shirt on? Oh, my God, yeah.
Five Finger Death Punch. Five Finger Discount. When you said that, that was the trashiest statement ever. You were like, I know the bass player, Chris whatever, from Five Finger Death Punch.
How long do you think you could hold yours underwater? A minute? Could you do a minute? I might be 13 seconds. No.
It's like air hockey. I'm just zipping back and forth. Is that a float tank?
This was weeks ago.
Yeah.
Just always advertising, get people on board. That's always, yeah, that's always like the cable company. Apply here.
Yeah, do you guys remember, it was like late 90s, early 2000s, like kind of in the burbs, you would see like telephone poles and they would have, They would be like those advertisements for like painting jobs or like computer parts or something like that. Like make this amount a year. And they had like the things on there. Yeah, that was big.
When you were looking at one of those things, you were in a bad spot. Oh, yeah. If you rip it off. Yeah. And then later on, you got to go.
And he's like, uh... I was at this piano place last night and this vacay was thinking of shit. Ruined my night.
You probably look good in an orange penny, though. I would imagine.
Right.
To grab your sack. He's a deep cut. Is that Edward James Olmos? Hell yeah, it is. Shout out to him.
Yeah, just tell me what the whole thing is. StubHub kills you.
Scumbags. I need money for my magnet belt. Which you should get one. Yeah, I can't make this. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Big Jay Oakerson. Specials out on YouTube, them and they. It's a two-parter, absolutely fantastic. Again, we mean that, dude. It's unbelievable. Best in the biz. Coming up this weekend, you want folks to know?
You guys love you. See you next week.
Yeah.
I didn't have any socks on is what he's going to say.
She's down at the DMV getting her real ID. Wanted to remind everybody the deadline's coming up. He writes what he knows. He's struggling with that at the moment. Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me. Pay no mind to him. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman, and he's my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him.
Did you have suspenders on you?
It's stupid. Just sitting there with your jacket still on. That's my move. So that's a lot of weight loss. I mean, those fit, right?
Those are new?
Get the fuck out of here. What size shirt are you doing, XL?
A 36?
That's okay.
Nice.
Yeah, they did.
Yeah. And I even let go of that.
It's funny, because even dads were wearing them, and they lived in separate lanes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was like, can't be with Tommy Bahamas all through high school.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
She has an elbow pad and like that carpal tunnel hand wrap.
It's got that sweat on it. A little clammy.
It's warm.
My mom has a knee brace on all the time, like a, I don't know, one of those like eye on eyes. Is it? Like the copper one? Yeah. Dude, you can get them at Target. I'm like, I can't tell if you're about to play softball or what. It's like nothing, just existing. Just rolling around. God damn.
I think you told us this.
Oh, that's funny. So we were thinking, so we covered everything with the Chronicles of Jason. A lot of the time periods. Yeah, a lot of the time periods. We just had a couple general things to just kind of tie it all together. Sure. I was telling him I had a situation with a spider the other night at my brother's house. And I'm just curious, overall, what frightens you the most?
Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us today. One more time for the final episode of the Chronicles of Jason. After this, he will be donated to the Frito-Lay Institute for further research and testing. Be cryogenically frozen. It's time to get inside. I've studied for years. Inside man.
So when you look back, what would be the scariest thing you could think of that you would see? What would scare you the most? Would it be a rat? Would it be a demon? Would it be Slender Man?
Yeah, the garbage. Some would say.
What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And also full video available now on Spotify. We got a little thing over there. You can wet your beak over there. Go watch on Spotify. Then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com.
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We're adding second shows, but get your tickets now. We're running through the Midwest, Pontiac, Minneapolis, Indy. Show at it, Austin, Texas. Austin, Texas. We just had a little pop-up showing us something. Get those tickets. The boys are out there. We'll see you on the road.
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Do it. Yeah. Did you ever fall into any of those cameras? Like, because you were a comic, you had to record sets. Did you ever have a cam? Flip cam?
That's the one that had the USB in it. Yes. It would hang off the back of your computer.
I remember showing up to the Raven with one of them. I just kind of just become a friend. He went, what the fuck is that? We started filming sketches on that. Really? Like, you own a production company?
You got real media.
Yeah, it was. Early Foley, and still kind of now, was always one ID away from, why aren't they cutting the check? They was never defined who's cutting the check and why or how much, but he's always in his head one pivot away. I'm writing hits over here. I'm a big check.
The only times we've shot something, he would call, cut the check already.
Meanwhile, we're splitting a meatball hoagie in my car. This is eating Subway?
What's the last album you purchased? Not of like, I want to go back and buy this.
Did you work for them for a while? Yeah, I was on Guy Code. I remember. You two, when we moved up here, you were like... You're like, how the fuck do you get on Guy? Oh, Guy Code was hilarious. But for a young comic, you guys were like, that's the easiest way to go about it.
Hey, good pass blocker.
Should I admit all my faults and apologize?
Also, you can tell what step you're on by the episode.
But we... Just when you think it's over, he tags it again.
This guy just got real fucking comfortable over here.
Oh, he likes us. Yeah. I start scratching your ear.
It's like you just went to the reunion or something.
Yeah, he's great. Of course. All right. All this fucking... This is neither here nor there. I was reminiscing all these old TV figureheads. One time, I met... I'm walking through the hallway.
This is Sway.
Uh-huh. Sure. Yeah, I mean, that was... When I hate... I was too young. I didn't want the news. You guys are a little old. I didn't want the news. I wanted the videos. Yeah, the videos. So I knew that came on. I'd be like, now's the time to go get re-up on my Diet Coke or my Slim Pants.
Oh. Was that a rapper? Yeah. Yeah. Is Kurt Cobain? I think it's Kurt Cobain. He had a song, I think. Yeah, as a rapper. His name's Kurt Cobain. That's fun. That's pretty good. Come on, what are you doing here?
See if you can get a spelling and a phonetic pronunciation on that.
Because I remember, like, he's bad. I thought it was like AI or something. And then he, you know. I'm Heave Pinpud.
Heave Pinpud. That's a deep cut. Terry Garcia.
What do you got?
That's when I was in a club.
No. I tried. That's what was kind of cool.
I didn't try. My brother, my older brother kind of was five years older than me, four or five years older than me. Yeah. He would go to the clubs.
I've never paid for one.
No, I just never had the— So, like, well, there was this one club that my brother would go to, and he would get a bottle of vodka, and if they didn't finish it, they would cork it for you and keep it. And I found out I would go.
Yeah, just go, ah, you didn't finish it. We'll put it in the back.
You topped this all for me?
I got a half a bottle of Rumpelmann's back there. Hey, you guys see monkeys?
It's worse than you think. So my brother would go on Friday. And I know I'd be like, oh, well, what'd you do last night? He's like, oh, we went over to wherever it was. Denim Reds, you know, whatever. Whatever their name. Fusion. Yeah. He'd go, oh, yeah, we got a bottle. I'd get word that he corked a bottle.
I'm at the bar.
That's what it's all about. It's all rock. You need a good bebop going. Just one to two.
That's great. Well, that was the end.
I think that place might have just because he was in there spending money.
Exactly. Same basement of that place.
No, that was the end of my early 20s was the end of that where you would dress up business casual and go to the club. Yeah, that's what I meant. And that's when it was like we were in college, and that's what you would do. I always felt better at a dive bar, but that's where the broads are going.
I would just sit there on the corner, and I genuinely hated how I felt there.
I did the same thing. And they were like. My brother's bachelor party. That's where they went.
Yeah. That's what it is. It's the best. They say it's the best. Man, my clubbing days are really going out.
Oh, I've done that. Where you take it and you go. I used to have a move. I'd go, get me a piece of gum. Because the ad starts coming up. A gum cancels it out right away. And I would look at one of my friends and go, get me a piece of gum. And they knew the pin was pulled and it was get out of the way. There's been multiple times I've been at Finnegan's Wake, the one that really jumps out.
I took a shot and was like. Nope, and I just threw up on the floor, walked out the door, and just got in a cab and went home. Good day, gentlemen.
It's like you flushed the toilet on the airplane. What was I talking about?
You always had those bad. It just didn't sit well. It didn't go down. I don't know what's going on with me.
Down the wrong pipe. I've ordered shots when you're like, this isn't going to go down.
Oh, that's good.
All right, we got to get to some fun. This is what happens when Danny Sodes comes. You get all hopped up on fucking stories.
You hear that?
All right, this one's from Big Titted Animal. $10, homie. Never have one, Red. What's the verdict on chain sauces you can get from the store? Examples, the Taco Bell mild sauce, Whataburger buffalo sauce, Chick-fil-A sauce you can buy at the store. This is a great question.
I got to be honest with you. I think my wife bought the Whataburger buffalo sauce. Man. Good stuff.
Yeah, you put it on everything. That makes, it does, it is trash. It's trashy.
Yeah, they give that up, and it's like, you can only get it there. You're saving yourself for marriage. You start selling it, next thing you know, it's like, I ain't got to go there.
Yeah. True. You know what I mean?
Give out all their proprietary secrets.
Buddy, it's great. They also got something else, too, that's like, we got both of them. I don't know what it is. It's all right. But yeah, it's trashy. And I feel, yeah, it's gotta be trashy. I'm thinking a Wahlburger.
Oh. Would you pay him to do this? I pick a banjo.
Oh, maybe that's what I... I have the Wahlburger sauce.
Because the boys are on it. Yeah, Whataburger's in Texas. I haven't had that. I have the Wahlburger sauce. I apologize.
Donnie's on it. The boy... There's a picture of the boy's on it.
I think they still tour a little bit. They're doing shows. He's doing shows. He's doing shows.
Speak. Talk like Jeffrey Gorian. Spotted at Gotham Comedy Club.
Uh, yeah. Uh, I don't know, have you heard Sunny Day by any chance?
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I love it. I'm on it right now.
I wouldn't say. He's got a couple of dicks from it.
I love how every other show is like, when you're power lifted, when you're running fucking 5K.
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Let them know the boys sent you. Yeah, hook the boys up. That's 20% off your first order, so you shop better hydration today using promo code garbage at liquidiv.com. Do it. Yeah. All right, this one's from Andrew. Is it garbage to cut up last night's French fries and turn them into home fries in the pan with a little bit of extra virgin olive oil and butter?
You add some salt and fresh cracked pepper, goes a long way with some eggies and a black coffee. Dad!
It's good, but it's- I mean, dude, you're turning French fries into breakfast?
It's in there. It's baked in. Especially leftovers from another, it's like fucking, when a restaurant cooks it, it's fucking locked in.
I wonder, what do you chop? It says you chop them up. Last night's in the home fries.
Yeah. You put them in the pan? Yeah.
Anybody else hard? Man, got to try that. Yeah. Because, like, I'll always, me and my wife, we'll get burger from a place, a restaurant in the neighborhood. It comes with fries. I'll eat the fries. to a point where I'm like, there'll still be some left. And I go, I don't really want them, but I'm going, well, I'm not going to have eight French fries tomorrow. Now you can. Now I can. Fuck.
I mean, it's just ruined my life.
These are snake eggs.
I can't eat these. Ever been dumped while wearing roller skates? Broke up with a girlfriend one time at the roller rink. I was 30. You shouldn't be in roller skates at 30 unless you're with your children.
I know, but he got broken up with. Oh, he got dumped by her? He got dumped by her and he's on roller skates.
Go find another trollop.
Stay tight and low.
Do you trust me?
Who are you, mister?
She broke up with him? Yeah, he got broken up with wearing a skate. I'm a preventative kind of guy. You put yourself in that embarrassing position by putting roller skates on at 30 years old.
Unless you're from Atlanta, and I know, but still. Oh, they're doing the bounce.
Unless you're from Atlanta.
Text him.
Yeah, you're putting them in the... You got to return them. The guy's going...
That was big for us. Did you have roller skating parties growing up? Yeah, Skate City.
Were they by school? We had them with school, and then kids would have their birthdays there.
Woo, the arcade games at a roller skating palace.
Did you ever? I mean, this is crazy. You don't know this. This is like a sitcom buildup. Yeah. He's had a past.
Yeah, you're like, once that starts happening, you're like, I'm so far away from that. Like, fuck.
I remember one time, that was big. Dude, I left. I just didn't realize how fat of a kid I was. And everybody's like holding hands, skating. And I remember I got a slice of pizza to go at the end of it. Party was over. Everybody's walking out. There's no way. I remember my dad picked me up and I got in the front seat with a slice of pizza. And I remember him just going, you skate with anyone?
And I went, nah. And I'm just like fucking munching the pizza.
Lights are on.
I ordered in shoes, which is crazy. Crazy.
Yeah, can I please it still looks hot because it's warm at best It was like it sounded like that circle like like kind of like a super pretzel thing And they are getting warm and your dad was like Did you skate with anybody
I remember it was raining. A couple of wet willies. It was raining, too. I remember the pizza getting wet as I got in. But how good was that pizza? Man, that ride home was way better. There's some sweetness to it.
For $8? Yes, sir.
That's how they've been keeping the doors open.
I think mine's closed, and I'm pretty sure. Check out the Roller Skating Palace in Northeast Philadelphia.
See if Kevin's picture is still on the wall. Right down the block. That's got to be closed.
I played hockey. I was really good. Okay.
You guys are describing me a little bit. I want to be modest over here.
Yo, what's up, Dan? Yeah, I'm a person.
Want to get a slice of pizza?
No hot dog service. We had one. We had an actual club for three teams. Put a cork in that Dr. Pepper.
It was called Beach Street. See if you can get that Beach Street. I think it was in Trevo's, Pennsylvania.
Oh, that's weird.
Ours was like max 16 or 17, and you would be like 13 to 16 or 17.
Also, remember when, like, at that age when you can't drive and a guy can drive, you're like, you might as well be a grandfather. Yeah. Like, that's how old a mustache.
Yeah, yeah. You're like, wait, what? This was in you the whole time? I turn the corner and go, oh.
Dude, I remember we were playing hockey, and we were, like, on teams, and we all, I think it was, like, whatever, this one team, all the kids drove themselves. That's wild. And psychologically, they broke us.
Like... They got out. I remember the one kid spinning a lanyard on his finger, and I went, I even got hair on my balls. This kid's driving a fucking stick shift. Is that still popular? What? Hair on the balls? No, because it's not.
I don't think so. Remember the flip?
I remember they were Tommy Hilfiger ones you would get on the boardwalk. Damn. In Wildwood, and I saw this. He met a kid. You know how when you meet a kid from another school, I didn't know when he met some weird circumstance? Yeah. We were 12, whatever, 10 maybe.
Yeah, and he's cool. He was cool. I'm like, you're cooler than any kid I've ever seen. And I'm like, and he had, we met him, like, oh, this is TJ or something.
He might as well have been leaning on a light post, smoking a cig, and his bike, we all rode bikes down the shore, his bike lock was a key, not a combo, and that key was on a Tommy Hilfiger lanyard, and he was spinning it. I went, buddy, I just want to be. You're the coolest guy in the world. You like roller skating at all? You like roller rink pizzas, bud? Well, there goes my hero.
I love you.
The thin ones? I know them.
They were the shit. Talk about worth the price of admission. They were the shit. Hanging out of the pocket, let the girls know you got a house.
As a musician, he was working out in the background. Not so much the skill, but he needed the dark background to be the guy.
Oh, goddamn. All right, let's see. As a previous booze bag, I'd like to get your take on this. This is from Jason the Ryan. $10 dignitary. Is it garbage if you're having breakfast for dinner? No, still do it. There's a twist. Breakfast for dinner, great. Not classy, obviously trashy, but it's delicious. You're having breakfast for dinner.
Is it trashy to drink a beer with that breakfast for dinner?
I feel like it is.
I don't know if it would ever cross my mind to do it.
Yeah, you got to get a good base going. Get the base going. That's a trap.
Get it cooking. It's okay. I mean, it's fucking trashy. Sure. First of all, you're eating breakfast at the wrong time and then adding booze to it. I respect it, but I got to go by code here. It's trash.
I guess I would just go, I'm not having a beer with it. I'll drink whatever beverage I choose, and then I'm cracking a beer right after. I wouldn't want to mix that.
Down the same way. I don't like mixing them per se.
It's functional to me, yeah.
Now you bet your fucking ass I can. Was it the super bad scene?
I would probably do iced tea.
When I was a kid, I would do breakfast. My dad would do breakfast for dinner. We'd have half a gallon of Wawa iced tea. That's probably with that or a Hi-C. That's great. I'd probably have that with dinner anyway.
Have you ever ordered a screwdriver at a place? Yeah.
That's dirtbag shit.
On a Tuesday.
Dude, same pop, same popoff. It's never Belvedere. Never. We did screwdrivers, popoff vodka. in my buddy's garage, listening to Billy Joel. I just discovered Billy Joel, probably 16. Listening to Billy Joel, cranking heaters. He had a couch in the garage. Take me there. And buddy, I fell. Cole, it was probably autumn night. I fucking fell to where the ground comes up to you. Oh, yeah.
And, like, I stayed straight. I fell. Yeah. And that, but, dude, right through it, like a card table, and I just fucking plopped. Like a Guy Ritchie movie. Yeah, it was fucking bad.
Did he know you were going over there to listen to tunes and cranky?
At that point, you know it's a lot.
He wants to kill you. What? He's on his way here right now. Yes.
Lemon Pepsi. Yeah, Lemon Pepsi. That's actually not that bad.
Well, it hasn't caught up yet. Your body's only processing the first two shots, not the pint glass.
I'm not. It was about busted stuff and ragged rocks.
You used to cry in your Dodge Stratus, pussy.
Hey, guys, that's against guy code.
Coming up, is drinking water gay?
This just in. Matt Pinfield. March 2nd.
It ain't bad. Kippy, what do you got for them? Guys, like we said earlier, we are on the road as well. Tickets are moving fast.
Austin, Texas. Get your freaking tickets. That's going to go. That'll go for sure. We haven't even really announced it. Yeah, we love you. We'll see you out on the road. Also, special drop in this. The Route 66 special will be dropping February 25th. Check that out on our YouTube page. Do it. Love you, gang. See you next week.
That's been making the rounds.
That is a thing where you're like, man, he was dead on.
It's to the point where it's not funny, where you're like, whoa, that's good.
I got to put that together.
Have you heard it? It's just the name of the song.
Yeah, it's a special we shot on the Route 66 tour. It includes comedy from each city, a bunch of behind the scenes on the bus. I'm talking beers, heaters, someone shits their pants. It's a whole thing. Are You Garbage YouTube page. Sign up, subscribe now. Live from here, February 25th. Let's go.
What the hell is player? I think he might be a one-hit wonder. I kind of felt that.
Baby, come back.
They're not wrong.
It's also, if you Google who sings Baby Come Back, Hall & Oates should come up. They come up, yeah.
Kiss fans. This has really turned into, that's what I call music, volume 488.
For the listener, he came in and goes, I just had to pause Walker, Texas Ranger. I'm back in.
You just go back. That I'm locked in? You're locked in.
You got to go back to the writers room.
You got a door open or anything?
I had them. I only had season four. Had that thing memorized.
This is releasing Super Bowl Sunday. Go birds.
You're not wrong.
I've only been one-on-one with him once, and it was at Casey and Robbie's wedding up in- Oh, yeah. Every other time I need a buff, I need big man to buffer because they're the same age. It's like he did it with your stepdad. He's just very stoic, and he's the funniest guy. I love his comedy. He's so funny, but just a stoic man.
And I bumped into him getting a coffee in the lobby, and it was just me and him. He's pouring non-dairy creamer, and I'm like, how you doing? He's like, good, good. Went for a hike. I'm like, fucking rub it. He trades like Batman. Yeah, it's bad, dude. He's a man.
How's the old man?
And I would light one up.
Dude, character. You're doing same-time character SIGs? It's wild. It's like. I love a good song. You're in the car, a good song SIG or traffic SIG. Big fan. A character SIG?
You're the guy. No, that's immediately where my head went. Yes, that's exactly it. You're in the wire POV. Yeah, there you go. Just smoking SIGs.
2013. That sounds way older of a sentence than it really should be.
What up, everybody? Shout out to you. First of all, thanks for tuning in. As always, make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube and now Spotify. We got a full video available on Spotify over there. I don't know how to find it, how to watch it, but it's over there, I've been told. And the boys are on tour. Shows are selling out.
Locked in.
Yeah, they... I mean, like, Penn State tailgates, it's... One of the dads got banned from the Hyatt. Yeah, see, that... Like, it's shit like that. You're showing your ass. Like, knock it the fuck off. You got a goddamn family. Go to work, dude. And a fight breaks out. Yeah. It's always somebody... Every time we ever mixed... A pair of salmon pants going ass over...
Underage drinking and fucking adults. It ended in fistfights because they're trying to show you and you're drunk and you're going whatever. Then some got some, you know, Anne's boyfriend gets a little lippy. Somebody tells him to shut the fuck up. Next thing you know, it's a goddamn squabble shooting the fade. You talk to me like that. I'm a legacy giving you a fair one. You know what I mean?
Yeah, man. That's bad news. That's tough. Don't be drinking with underage kids out there. Can't be. Shopify. Shopify engaged. Shopify engaged gang. You got a small business. You want to grow that business. You need Shopify. Shopify. We're talking about the number one checkout on the planet. Talking smooth sailing. We're talking. What are we doing here?
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Wouldn't you be great? Subbing this out. Soon we're just going to get like a big mannequin and just put a TV on its head and you're going to be in bed. Dude, I was reading them last night. I was fucking dying laughing. Yeah, so that's something new we're doing. You can, every now and then, or however it goes, I mean, they're hitting dingers off the bat.
It's a no-brainer for Bozo. Listen, if you're listening to this, you're probably a Bozo just like us. It is a no-brainer. The broads love him, baby.
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We had a similar situation, but I don't remember it. The kids were impressed. I do have to say, I don't think they were the brightest. Student rules. Yeah, it was like, this guy parties. You start eating weird shit, trying to get him. Shoving a hot dog up my ass. Yeah, if you like that. Why don't you come upstairs with me? I'll give you a thrill. You're eating Tide Pods.
It's before Tide Pods, so I'm just eating the powder. Doing a ripper, eh, Jax? Oh, fuck me. It's great. It's a good stuff. You ever sleep in a room with... Your stepfather? Sleep in a room? Yeah. The one time we went to Florida, about nine of us stayed in a hotel. I remember sharing. I remember I was just on vacation, whatever, two weeks ago with my family.
That made me think we weren't hotel people. Like, I've never been to, like, a Hilton with my mom or whatever. Like, even we would just go down the shore, like, to Cecil Motel or whatever. You know, we'd stay at my aunt's or whatever. But that was, like, our vacations.
The only time I ever stayed in a hotel with my mom was we went to Disney World. I was, like, 14. The trip, something happened, and it was, like, a last-minute trip. And we only got one room. So it was me, my mom, my brother, my sister, and my stepdad.
I had to share a bed with my sister. I was, like, way too old, too. Oof. Where'd your brother sleep? On the floor, maybe. Okay. And then my mom and my stepdad next to me. It was a lot of people in one room. There were a lot of adults. I was 10. I slept in a studio apartment in Queens with my father. He was in the bed, and I was on an air mattress on the floor. He came up to visit you?
Get you cleaned up. Get you a haircut in the shower. Fucking tie you to the bed. Clean you out, dog. Let me go up and see him, Patty. Let me talk to him. I had that with my... Has he been a priest? Did Jamie get devil out of me? I remember one time my brother wasn't doing so hot and they had a... My mom and my dad united the forces to straighten them out. Wow. This is post-divorce.
Oh, this is... He's in college. Okay. He's partying a little too much. Shout out to it.
And me and my sister left. They were like, give us some time, whatever. You know, you guys go whatever. I remember we went to Rita's Water Ice. How you doing? Take all the time you need, folks. We went back, man, and that kitchen at my mom's looked like a goddamn hell in the cell match happened. The kitchen table was flipped. The couch was flipped. They went at it.
So you can submit your own tootie, and the big man will go through. I don't get to know them, and he's going to, you know. You get to shoot your tootie shot. I love it. Shout out to Colton. Great job, buddy. Fantastic. I wanted to ask you this. Hit me, big guy. I was taking some heat for this last night at the apartment. Seems to be the huge these days.
Two grown men fighting in the kitchen. Yeah, they got a new Swedish fish flavor over there. I remember pulling up. My dad's walking to his car. He's going, you can't fucking help that guy. See you later, dude. That's all right. No, it was my brother's bachelor party. Your dad went? It wasn't a bachelor party. We just went to dinner. Yeah. The saddest of the bachelor parties.
I'd rather you kill a hooker or something. Have some fucking fun, dude. No, we had a nice night. We went to two Toms out in Brooklyn, and then we went to a bar. Double dildo show. Get a couple of snail trails on you. I remember the first time I learned about them was at a bachelor party. That's my father. I did end up... Having sex with my dad. God rest his soul. I closed the deal. What a pussy.
No, I did end up... bumping into somebody. A bag guy? Yeah. Let's call him a bellhop. Good with the bags. Meet you out front. That's a great name for a drug dealer. A bellhop for a coke guy? Guy with the bags. Guy with the bags out front. Sure, your bag will be out front in 10 minutes. And like my dad went back early and like I came in and I was, it was a long night. Put it to you that way.
The fuck's this sleeping in my bed? Who's this old guy who looks like me? Holy shit. Fuck me, dude. That's funny. That's all right. All right. This one's from Fat Shishno. $5 broke ass, never have one red. Is it garbage to try and make your own foie gras just because you hit a duck with your quad? Interesting. Man after my own heart. I don't. I don't know. I know a lot of people do that.
We've gotten a lot of questions at the live shows and stuff. Eating roadkill. Eating roadkill. That's a little different than roadkill. I think if you... hit it, run it over. I feel like that would poison it, though.
Damn, were you already looking that up, or did you know that off rip?
That's pretty good. I knew he was on it, too. This guy's earning his keep. What do you mean, stuff the bird?
So this guy wasn't making foie gras. He just ate dead duck. That's what he did. He thinks that's foie gras. He ate dead duck liver. Sure. He probably made a stew out of it.
Yeah. I'm acting like I didn't. I knew that. That's what we're doing to you. Yeah, I knew that. It's so good. Foie gras pate. I don't think I've ever had. That's not my cup of tea. My fucking God. I would eat it with every meal. That, like a bunch of IPAs, you feel it in your kidneys when you're done. You feel like King Louie.
When you were a kid, I remember Patty bitching.
It has pate foie gras on it?
No shit. That's fucking nuts, dude. It's gross.
My mom. No one in my family, I think, knows what that is. foie gras? No. I was never really sure. I just know I don't fucks with it. I just know it's duck and goose liver mushed up. My wife will do goose when she goes back. Like meat? Yeah. I don't know if I could do that. It's a German thing. It's a German Christmas thing. I always thought it was goose. I always thought it was weird.
What the hell? I remember Patty bitching to me about this when I was a kid, and the bird don't like it. Eating over the sink. Eating standing up over the sink. Uh-huh. What are you asking me? Yeah, I mean, it's trashy, but it's like... That's not a sanitary way to do things.
Throw out some mashed potatoes here, dude. What are you doing?
Yeah, they're only getting the one thing.
Well, you know. At almost. Better them than us. I got my own fucking problems. He's got a bad hand, dude. That sucks. Damn. Why don't you try eating some chocolate out of the trash? So he was just basically... He just ate that duck. Yeah. Yeah. But he tried to make the foie gras out of the liver. I would bet he doesn't know what foie gras is. He just thinks it's duck.
I don't think quad people are big French cuisines. What if he's down in Louisiana? Down by you. Yeah, they know all about it. Yeah, okay, sure. Let's get some foie gras and talk this over. Get it at the store. It's not bad. I got it at the store. Sat there and ate it like an animal. Over the sink? Yeah. Watching my shoes. Babe, leave me be. It's my special time.
I like really good crackers and Dijon mustard. You know what's underrated? The Ritz Cracker. Ritz Cracker, proper underrated. That or the, what is it? Toll House? Toll Brothers? Toll House. Toll House Cracker. Little Oval Johns? Sure. As I call them, the above ground pools. Yeah. They're great. Very nice. All right, let's see. This one's from Alex. $10 Bozo.
Is it garbage to use your GPS as your speedometer? In high school, my speedometer didn't work in my Geo Metro, so I had to use my Garmin. No kidding. That's an old sentence right there. Yeah. My Geo Metro. So I had to use my Garmin. That was when it was attached. You like attach it to the windshield. Yeah. We never did that. My stepdad had it.
And man, he would put it in to drive me like to my friend's house just to like show it off. Like, I got it. Is Garmin still banging? I think they're like technology.
They're like what they've pivoted from the GPS.
Tracks all your stats for you. How much fucking, how many crackers you eat. How many boogers you eat. What time to stuff your goose. Get it ready for the feast. All right, this one's from Condog. $10, homie. Is it garbage to screen record your music before the subscription expires? Which, that means he's listening to video. To listen to a song, he's got to go into his photos. That's crazy.
Click videos, and then that's insane to me. I'm surprised it works. Because if you try to screenshot something on Amazon, it just comes up black. On Amazon? Yeah. Really? Yeah, they have some type of technology in there. Why don't they want that, though? Because they don't want people screenshotting stuff from the shades.
If you open up your Disney app right now, put on Moanu, and start watching it, you can screenshot it. That's the same thing.
Oh, Amazon TV.
I thought you meant pictures of a can of soda. I'm like, don't tell nobody. Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck? These guys are blank, keeping it tight to the vest. Gotcha. He's making all that money. Gotcha. Yeah. Okay, that makes more sense. Yeah, that's a dirtball move. But I like it because, as you know, my... Moves with that kind of stuff are not really socially acceptable.
No, it's not. Efficient. Not when you got old meatballs in there or whatever. Listen. I'm not eating in the sink. You make a big bowl of cereal in there. Clog it up. Hey, guys, we got goulash. Is the big stew going in there? I always thought it was when they wash babies in the sink. I remember that. They did that to my younger brothers. It's weird.
For a while, my main source of music was on YouTube. I would put the video on. Can't you just do YouTube music then? I didn't even know that existed until right now. I would just put the video on and put the phone in my pocket and just listen to it. There's a handful of songs, older songs that I like from previous mixtape era that are only on YouTube. Shout out to Power of the Dollar by 50 Cent.
Yeah, so it's like you only get that there because they're not on. They were never on a major record label or something. Or I don't know how it works, but they're not on fucking Spotify and shit like that. So I got to go to my YouTube to get my deep cuts. Me and Pat send links back and forth to each other. Speaking of 50 Cent, that guy Scott Storch. Yeah. Keeps popping up in my.
One of the greatest producers of all time, Scott Storch. Yeah. He blew about 80 million on cocaine, cars and private jets and hookers. He got a good bellboy if you catch my drift. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah, he was at the height of that era for us. All that little Wayne shit.
He was writing a lot of shit for a lot of other people, which I always love seeing. I get that on my algorithm. It's like... Hearing how a hip-hop song came together is pretty goddamn interesting. Yeah. Yeah. It's also, too, like, there's these crazy things where it's like, so-and-so had this song and didn't want it. Sure.
And then so-and-so gets it, and it's their biggest hit of their career or whatever. Love that. So, like, Akon wrote, like, just a bunch of, like, crazy hits for fucking all these people. I was listening to something. Noriega has that... Or Norie has that Drink Champs show, big podcast, Drink Champs. And he said...
Somebody asked him to get on a song with Rihanna or something, and he was like, nah, or whatever, because they weren't going to pay him enough. They were going to give him like 15 grand or something. He wanted 50. I'm fudging the teats, but he's like, nah, whatever. And he's like, that song would have made me fucking 500 million dollars. Biggest bag fumble of all time.
It would have been like Rihanna's first song ever or something like that. I love that stuff. Same thing with actors, too. Like, oh, he said no, and this one got it, and Yeah, that's a little different because that's such an interpreter. Yeah, but, yeah, I don't know. I feel like a song is so, like, I don't know, whatever. It's like the beat and the hook are, like, there.
It's like, you know, that's the backbone of a goddamn track. Sure. I'll give you that. All right, let's see here. This one's from Esteban. $20 board member of the Dempsey Group and never had one read. The Dempsey Group. And all of its subsidiaries. Jesus. Is it garbage if your parents brought you along to a job interview? Oof.
For context, both parents were unemployed and an embassy suites was having an open interviews for jobs there. Me and my four siblings waited in the lobby.
That's a lot of freaking kids. But shout out to the parents for showing up and trying to, you know. What are you going to do? You got to get it done. Got to get it done. Can't leave these fucking four hooligans home alone. I just thought I started watching that King Richard. I love that. Man. Oh, that is. They went through it. It was Venus and Serena Williams.
Their dad, what he had to go through to get them cooking. Working overnight, security, beef with gangbangers, tennis. That guy's walking in both worlds. Killing it. Man, that is... That's tough, but hell, fucking... Shout out to your parents. Of course. That's doing what you got to do to get it done. If I was unemployed, Embassy Suites comes calling, you got to do it. You got to go.
Probably a pretty solid game. Bellhop. I would have left those little rats home at the house. That's why I'm jammed up. I could coast on unemployment with those of you little bastards. Man, imagine sitting waiting in a hotel lobby with... What was it, you have four other siblings? Man, the fights that start after about two minutes of boredom in there.
I remember my buddy getting the tub like a goddamn gentleman. He got your wiener next to the plates, man. I got to eat out of that thing. This kid's pissing in there. This ain't fucking SeaWorld, huh? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I remember. That was a thing. You watched the baby, and I don't think they're doing that anymore probably, right? I've seen it. Recently? Somebody did it. Okay. More at 11.
Nothing for a kid, just all adult stuff in there. Art and shit, no TV. Pushing over plants. Playing on the cart with the luggage cart and stuff. Stop it, stop it. Man, man. What if they got the job? They did not say. Hit us with a follow-up. Yeah, they own six embassy suites now. That'd be awesome. I don't think it's the case. Good for them. This one's from This One's Just Funny. Home run.
Stay with me. This is more of a pronunciation one. Okay. Stay with me here, he says. All right. Only garbage people in my life pronounce the word insurance emphasizing the first syllable instead of the middle one. I can do it. Insurance. Insurance is the trashy one. He says insurance is classy. Insurance is the proper way to say it. What's your insurance? Yeah, that's hillbilly twang.
You got to get your insurance. Your insurance. Yeah, my father said insurance his whole life. I think I say insurance, your insurance. Yeah, that feels better than insurance. My insurance policy. Your insurance. Your insurance will be through the roof. It'll be jammed up. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's, man, insurance premiums. Your insurance is going to go up. I'll tell you that.
Insurance premiums haunted my family to a level of anxiety. Crazy. I'm still getting it. Like, don't report the egg in your insurance. We had to be insured on a car with the thing, and it was like. My stepdad had this old Suburban that was the newest car we owned that nobody could touch until he told us until we were 35. And I was allowed to drive that until you're 35.
Insurance, that thing's, you're not qualified. You're not registered on the insurance. I go, this thing's worth, first of all, it's got two flat tires in the driveway. No one's driving it anywhere. Health insurance, too. What's a deductible? Never tell them we were smokers, either. Everybody had the law. You smoke? Nope. And that's how it gets in your file. It gets in your file.
Oh, man, then I'm in trouble. I remember the one time I told him every now and then when I'm drinking. I was like 19. I had to go to the ER, and he's like, you smoke? Like every now and then when I'm drinking. And I told my mom, or maybe my mom was there, and she was like, You freaking idiot. You just cost us $10 million. I'm ruined. It's in your permanent medical file.
They're going to know forever. Shut up, lady. Get me a heater. I made that, but I mean, I had to come clean with the cardiologist at some point about the pastics. No, I run two miles a day, doc. This is crazy. Anytime I go to the doctor now, fucking. Says here you are a cool guy. So you partied for the last 35 years. It says here you can't stop, won't stop.
This is Are You Garbage?
Hey, you know it, dog. Hey, Bloodbrook says you're a part Colombian. Is that true? Pushed it. Big man going back to the well. Talk about a flat line. Health insurance, deductibles, co-pays, all that shit. They... Yeah, they, like, I remember, like, when I first had to start, like, doing that stuff and figuring that out, I was, like, I couldn't make a move.
I was petrified because of the way that they were.
It's going to be whatever. It was crippling fear they instilled in me. I bet you the insurance is crazy. Dude, that, we'd walk into somewhere nice. Current insurance is 200 bucks. We'd walk into somewhere nice and my family would go. What do you think the insurance on this place will look like? Look at this place. How do you think the insurance is on a joint like this?
Get a pretty penny for a fire in here, I bet. My brother's playing with matches. We can make something like that happen. Kibbe, you know about Chubbies? I was wearing them last week on vacation. I got a nice hat from Chubbies that fits me perfectly. Soft material, feels good, durable.
Get all the kids some nice clothing from Chubby. Yeah, now that it's getting cold, too, they got outerwear this season. They got certified winterproof jackets, vests, sweatshirts, quarter zips, full zips, flannels, and full body puffer jackets. You heard that right. Full body puffies. Puffies? Yes. Guys, they were nice enough to send us stuff. I was in a jam.
Colton! I've seen it. When? Someone did it. I've seen it. You're incredible. You fold under pressure. This guy cracks under questioning. I've seen him do it with my little nephew, but they have him in a little thing. Yeah, you're in like a bin or whatever. Hey, take a shower. What are you doing? Yeah, I was getting shit for it last night. Listen, I think to me, I don't ever really do it.
It was tough for me to find a bathing suit this season. You know what I mean? It's cold out. And you had the flannel on the other night. I wore the flannel the other night at our AYG and Friends show. By the way, wife loved that. She was slipping out of her seat when I got home. How you doing? I wore the bathing suit all weekend. Peed in that thing probably about 500 times. Can't even tell.
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Support the show and tell them we sent you this holiday gift season. Gift yourself and loved ones chubbies. Chubbies. Factor, baby. Love that factor. Factor, factor, factor. It's the holidays. You're busy. You got stuff going on. Listen. I get into that trap. I start eating real bad because it's what's available. We're busy. We're shopping. We got work. We're this.
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It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find it out to be classy. Yeah! Except they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash! I'm your host, Dave Trolley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in a new edition. She's upstairs cleaning her gun. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha! That's from Colton on Patreon.
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And I'll be honest with you, in my adult life, I've yet to have... Any type of experience with it at all. No. Where it was like remotely an issue. I've been in accidents. My car's been stolen. My insurance is fine. It's not. I mean, I live in New York City, so it ain't fucking. I can't go to the general, but I mean, it's fine. I'm not like. I've never been like, oh, you got a speeding ticket.
And then they turn around like your insurance is now tripled, which I was told to me.
Which was going to happen. Yeah.
Fear. Fear-based society. Keep everybody in line. That's Reaganomics. Paying a guy a pretty penny a week to try to unravel all this. To be honest with you. Uh, yeah, it's, uh, I mean, obviously the holidays, you spend a lot of time with your family and you just see it and you're like, cause I've been, we've been very removed from the day to day of the fat.
Our siblings are more connected with our parents. You know what I mean? We're, we're in the outer rings of the family atmosphere and we come back in for a birthday's holiday to come back in. And you're like, I literally, every time within fucking four hours, I go, what the fuck are we doing here? We're not doing this. It's crazy.
Anytime I say something to my brother, he's like, dude, I deal with her every fucking day. You're up there. I deal with her every day. My cousin stayed over because he had a soccer tournament early on. Sunday morning or something like that when I was home for Thanksgiving. And he said, I talked to him the next day. I was like, how'd the tournament go? He's like, tournament was great.
He's like, when your mom woke me up, Which I had my alarm set. He's like, I had my alarm. I had to be up at like 7.15 Sunday morning. Okay. He's like, your mom woke me up at like 7.14. And I thought. You thought it was noon. No, he thought the house was on fire. Sure. He's like, the way she woke me up.
Dude. He's like, what? She's crawling on the ground. She's touching doorknobs. Screaming for ammo. Throwing one of those chain ladders out of the window. It was like, dude, it was crazy. Yeah. Just panic. And she would do that every morning when I was a kid. She would come in, lie and say what time. It's 815. It'd be like 430 in the morning. Get up. Like, what the fuck, man?
It's usually the folded sandwich is over the sink. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. The little banger you make when you're making a sandwich. I don't do, I just eat over the, I get the, I mean, I guess it would be the sink. I'm the counter. I'll just like eat at the counter. Yeah, the counter, too. Yeah. I'll eat at the counter, and I'll open the cabinet. No, open the cabinet.
They're a different breed, dude. A different. Patty, I love you. You'll hear this. I love you, Patty. Heard you talking shit on that podcast. My mom doesn't know where to even locate this. Which is my, you know, my saving grace. But I got my uncles and my cousins listening in at a family party. They're like, ah, Kevin was fucking saying whatever. I go, yo! What the hell was Paul Reiser's problem?
I got that a lot. I also got, did Paul Reiser not like Foley as much as it appeared to be? I said, yeah, that was dead on. He did not like the big man. Hey, Paul, I'm with you, buddy. Makes me love him even more. Shout out to Paul Rizzler, dude. All right, let's see here. This is from LaxCoach72. This is one of Foley's boys. What's up, brah? Ever almost die on your dad's boat more than once?
We came up from scuba diving in South Florida three different times to find the boat gone due to a broken anchor line. Twice there was no boats for a two-mile radius. What the fuck? Yikes. After the first time, you get it. It's like you fooled me once. That's open water shit. That's South Florida. That's fucking gator country. Not in the ocean. No? Gators in the ocean? Crocodiles in the ocean.
I mean, maybe of rare occasions. No. Luke, crocodiles in the ocean for sure. That many of them? I don't think it'd be a big tourist destination. How many do you need? I'm sure it's... Saltwater crocodile.
Yeah, but I've never been at the beach and seen a croc. Right? I know there's saltwater crocodiles. That is a species. I'm giving it.
I ain't going there anytime soon.
Send me a postcard. You know what? If I was on the fence, I am no longer. I can tell you where they're not. North Wildwood. Fucking 18th Street Beach. That's gator. That's croc-free, dog. A couple syringes. You know how I know that? Because they said if you ever see something that looks like a piece of wood floating in the waves, don't go up to it. It's a crocodile.
Where was I? I was on the internet.
I don't know. You're saying they told you. I'm saying in the video. They, the royal they. Yeah, in the Instagram.
Yeah, the AI voice. Oh, man.
Oh, man. Foley, every video. Foley thought that was a guy for a long time. Every video. You guys get a lot of work. Every video of Foley Watt, you just hear it. He plays full blast. Sometimes he connects to the Bluetooth speaker just to. Just to soak it all in. It's always the AI voice. It's crazy. That and the talk to text. It's got to stop. It's got to stop, dude. It's only going to get worse.
I don't know what you're thinking. Got to get you a handler or something. All right. Can I pick them? No. All right. Fair enough. Absolutely. Get you a saltwater croc. Chase your fat ass around. What are the other ones called? A camamingo? The crocodile with the longer... Dundees. Not caimans, right?
I mean, I know how long it takes you to take down half a sandwich. It's not an episode of Sopranos you're not watching. You're watching Instagram reels. I need to be watching something. I'll open the cabinet, and I'll put the phone in there. Okay. So she comes around the corner, and I'm standing there. It looks like I'm just staring into the cabinet. Sure. She gets upset. Classy.
Little guys, though. Still. Did you see they found that shark that was born in like 1630? Yeah, the Icelandic sharks. That guy. He's got some bodies on him. I don't think they do. Okay. I don't think they're, like, killers like that. He ain't eating fucking plankton. I'll tell you that much.
Yeah. That's from, like, whaling boats and stuff like that. He was, like, fighting off Columbus and the Vikings. I think he got to Santa Maria and took a junket out of him. Yeah, they said the reason why they live so long is because they're cold plunging. Methylated vitamins. Shout out to Gary Breakfast. Gary B? What? Took my methylated vitamins this morning.
I got a re-up on my stash, too, called a bellhop. Hit me squared up. My fucking head on straight. Gary B straightened me out. I got to get my tea tested, too. Yeah, you do. Get teed up. All my boys started taking tea. Everybody's on tea? Jacked up, huh? Yeah, they said they feel like a kid again. Are you kidding me? Wait, did they really say that? Luke, buddy, you got bigger problems than tea.
Yeah, right. Gravy. See my noodle. What? Like an old egg noodle. Anyway... This is unraveling. The sharks... Constant temperature. That's why they live so long. They're trying to figure it out. Yeah, but they're eating seals. Are they eating seals? Yeah, they're... They're a meat eater. What do you think? I don't know. What? You think you lived that long? You're a vegan.
I switched over in the 1800s. It's all protein. All plant-based. All protein shakes. Plant-based protein. I like the Impossible Burgers. All right. Let's see here. This one's from Tommy Muscalera. Tommy. Muscarello. That's an Italian name if I ever see one.
Is it garbage if your mom made you a free sandwich in the grocery store using sample deli meats and cheese slices, then opening a bag of King's Hawaiian rolls to stuff your fat four-year-old face? Damn. So you go up to the counter. Can I try the... Let me get a tester of... You usually have to do that right there. You can't say thanks and walk away. Probably 90s. It was wide open back then.
I'll be right back. I have to get some beans. Were the King Hawaiian rolls again? And then if you're buying, I mean, I'm okay with that if you're buying the bag. If you're just opening the bag of King's Hawaiian.
That we realize. I was always scared of getting caught. Like, I'd get yelled at if I took a grape. I'll take a grape. Yeah, I mean, that's well documented. That's fair. That's fair game. Listen, also, it's big corporation. Have a bag of Doritos while you're walking. I don't care. It's like... What? Big corporation. What? You keep saying that. Big corporation.
I mean, I don't think it's something to get upset about. It's a little uncouth, I would say, but I think everybody's doing that. You know what I did? I did in here the other day, and it made me think of my dad. My dad, heavy smoker for a long time. Yeah. The big loogie guy he was.
Yeah, that's... If you're going to steal, you steal from the big corporations. You don't steal from the mom and pop shops. Sounds like comedy talk to me. Oh, of course you don't steal from mom and pop. Yeah. Why do you say it like I said to do it? I don't know. It's for sure okay to steal from corporations if you're stealing. I mean, what are we talking about here?
It's like stealing from a goddamn airport. It could be 2025. That's a country. Listen, they're fucking banging you out. The premiums alone will get you. You know what I mean? I remember that. I remember they used to run insurance fraud billboards. They cheat, you pay. And even then, I'm like, stop trying to make me do your bidding here, bud. It's your job to catch me, all right?
Fuck out of here with that shit. They cheat and you pay. Can you ship the check, nerd? You're jumping in front of an Impala? All right, let's see here. This one's from Sam Adams. Have you or anyone in your family ever bought a car during Toyotathon or Happy Honda Days? That's great. That is great, man. I never, never understood. Our car purchasing was very specific, and I feel different than...
Automotive marketing would let me believe how other people were buying cars. A Labor Day sale wouldn't get you on the lot? Something like that? To us, that was for suck. Also, we weren't buying cars. They rode cars. My mom drove cars into the fucking ground. My parents took advantage of those deals if they had them coming up. Never. Never. Uh-uh. No. Alexis, December to remember?
I mean, who's getting a fucking Alexis for Christmas? Some whore. Yeah. Probably fucking super brain out there. Super head. What do they call her? What? That was a girl. Super head? They used to blow all the wrappers back in the day. Yeah. No, that was never. We were like a... Toyotathon. What is a Toyotathon deal? Can you hit me with that? It's like zero down.
What was her name?
Watch that DJ Vlad interview. You're a little freak in your old age, ain't you? Got that dog in me. A little pervert. What's her name? I didn't come up with it. What do you got, Toyotathon? It's usually like zero down. Sure, zero down, zero financing. Yeah, no credit. I don't know what any of that means. We were more of a no credit, good credit, bad credit kind of family.
That's good. You say it's interesting? Interesting. These guys were rubbing off on the rich kid. Insurance. Get my umbrella. I always assumed that when I leased the car that I have now, I'm not giving any money. I had to put down money to get the Kia. Yeah, fuck that. And I thought I'm so stupid and I thought I got it back at the end. I did not. Like an allowance?
He hocked a mean loogie. It's funny. I was thinking about that the other day. And he would spit out the window driving. I was like, man, that's a God. He could fucking.
I just thought they were like, that's a security deposit or something. I didn't. That goes towards the principal, huh? Yeah, I don't know. That was not our style of purchasing cars. But if you put money down, apparently that means your monthly payments are cheaper. I was told never put anything down by a guy who used to sell cars. Really? Yeah. Interesting.
When I bought the key, I mentioned it on Hard Feelings or whatever. My buddy's dad, shout out to Pat's dad, texted me. He goes, you fucking idiot. Never put down money. I don't know. I don't know nothing about nothing. They weren't going to give you the car. Yeah, for sure. I had to do it. I needed a car. My stepdad was friends with a guy who owned a very small used car lot.
You would see out of a TV show, where a TV show would be based. We had one in our area for 50 years it's been there. I never seen anybody buy a car there. I don't know what's going on, but shout out to them. Yeah, that was where we got all of our automobiles. Vehicles. Yeah, and it was – he was always getting my mom – Flowers? No.
He'd split the sticks, dude. Oh, okay. And it was good. Sometimes I got God if I was in the backseat from time to time.
It was always cars that – we were big on cars that were no longer manufactured when we got them. Jesus. The Chevy Luminas, the Bravadas, like all of these like – they were probably a solid car, but they didn't move, so there's only like 3,000 of them floating around. Limited edition. Catch my drift. All right. This one's from some scum.
Are you garbage if the police officer that taught your fifth grade class dare arrested your mom two weeks prior at your house? P.S. Mom did jail on the weekends. Prior. What the fuck, man? That's tough, dude. You're the fucking piece of shit that busted my mom. You got to sit there. Everybody's like, this guy's great. You got a damn home record, this fucking guy. He respected a police piece.
He pinched her mom. You got to hold a little grudge. Yeah, well, that had to be like a possession or DUI or something. I'm sure she was in the wrong. The guy was just doing his job. Maybe it was a conspiracy. Trumped up charges. Maybe. Political. Man. Yeah, I don't know. I wonder if the cop knew. I'm sure he felt bad. Sure. You look familiar to me.
Nah. Is your mom a washer? Your mom's not a lot lizard by any chance, is she? Yeah, that's a tough one. I remember those were big. The guys would come in and, you know, I never... I hated that shit. Why? What? I like seeing all the drugs. We talked about this. Yeah, I don't think we had that. I like seeing all the drugs. The whole case. It's all fake shit. Sure.
You can spot that from a mile away. Yeah. It's bad dope. I didn't mind that. Anything that got you out of class. I did appreciate that, obviously. Yeah, that shit never resonates. I mean, we had an adopt-a-cop. Like, we had our school had a cop, our elementary school. And I just didn't fucking like the guy. Cocky. Fucking cocky as the day's on. Fat-ass, too.
He'd come in fucking tight-ass pants and shit and run in his fucking mouth thinking he runs the school. I'm like, buddy, this is my territory, all right? Don't fucking come fucking. You ask permission when you come here. You got a lot of nerve. What? He was a fat motherfucker, as was I. He was breathing heavy in the mic. I'm like, buddy. In the mic? He had, like, a microphone. Oh, is he spitting?
What's going on? What do you mean? It's him and Scott Stewart. Why do you have a microphone? He's giving it a fucking assembly. Oh, okay. Not just walking around. Hey, Ryan, those pants are a little short. It looks like you shit yourself. Not even third period. Yeah. We had a congressman. We had Dick Vermeule come in, talk to old Eagles coach. I used to love that shit.
Anything to get out of class. Yeah. Because I was flunking. You're going to flunk out. Patty would yell at me. You're flunking out. You're going to flunk out of school. Then what? Your deductible will be through the roof. Sure. It'd be crazy. All right, this one's from Greg. Are you garbage if you bring the same charcuterie board to two different Thanksgiving parties?
It was barely touched at the first party, so I threw some grapes and backed it up. Get the fuck out of here with that, man. Ah, dude, that's cross-contamination. That's cross-contamination. Post-COVID, you're doing that, dude?
No, but that's like hocking a loogie. I remember him opening up the lid, spitting in the trash can in the kitchen. Yeah, I remember my mom being like, knock that off! Jesus. I think that's why they got divorced. That and you. Don't you say that. That was clearly my brother. It wasn't me. I was too young to be causing a ruckus. I feel like that is a...
Come on.
That gets in a little piece of foie gras. That mutates into something. Throw a kid's booger in there? Jesus Christ. Yeah, you can't. That's like, there's too many people breathing over that. Too many people picking it up. Even if it is untouched, it's like. It's not. There's reach. It's got the spores on it. Everything. That's fucked up. It's also been exposed to air too long.
You know what I mean? Like, it's been sitting there for the party. It's got to be what? Shortest party is going to be three hours. It's been sitting there for three hours. It's been in your car. Man. What'd you do with the other thing that you had? You had to have something for that other party. Maybe not. Maybe he's like, that just saved me from making another charcuterie board. Crazy.
That's a tough look, dude. That's real. However, I respect the move. Sure.
All right, let's see here. This one's from Foley Soundbar.
Never have one red. $10, homie. Thank you. Is it garbage to clean your toothbrush in the dishwasher along with a full load? I was home for the holidays and saw my dad doing this. That's a dad thing. That's a dad thing. Can you do that? Are you supposed to clean your toothbrush? I don't... I do not think in... I think it gets... It makes sense. Where you just get a new toothbrush. Oh, yeah.
See, toothbrush hygiene. See, like... Really, I'm going to keep this episode, Lukey. I'm surprised you weren't already on that. Fucking whiz kid. Kid's hacking away over there. I would argue...
I think that's the thing. I mean, washing in the dishwasher with dirty dishes gets me. That is Charles Grody.
Oh, to put that back in my mouth? I mean, you've got cascade in there. That's grease remover, dude. Think of that sheen, though. No streaks on empty. Would you be grossed out if you were eating off those plates then? Yeah, it wouldn't be ideal, but I assume... Like if I put my toothbrush... Yeah, I wouldn't want whatever you got on my utensils. I would not want that. Fair enough.
I think, yeah, but that's also like a dad thing where it's like probably he's like, so the kids are out of the house, it sounds. He comes home. It's like he's using the dishes. He probably lives alone. His wife probably left him a long time ago. Sure. But my mom does say that you do see it. She's like, guys get weird when they get old. Yeah.
She's like, they just, and you see, I see it now with my uncles who are now like older men. Like, you know, they're not. Why am I going to waste money on a new toothbrush? I can just wash it in the dishwasher. It's hot water. Uh-huh. It's like they just get a little, they get 15% into Kookyville, and it's just, they're a little strange. I'm creeping that way. I'm creeping that way.
Yeah, I mean, I see it. I'm definitely going to try that. I just want to see how it comes out. I couldn't imagine. I don't think the plastic should be that hot for that long. That's releasing chlorofluorocarbons and shit. That ain't good, dude. Oh, that is not good. Speaking of the dishwasher, this is one I don't know if we ever talked about. Are we cleaning frying pans in the dishwasher or what?
Great question. To me, I don't... One, I think it takes up too much space. I have a New York apartment. I got a smaller one. I'm sorry. You don't do like a rough mode? What's a rough mode? Like... I have a bunch of containers and shit in my... I'll do a load where it's mostly pots, pans, and Tupperware things. No, I'm pretty quick on the pans. I clean the pans. Sounds like you don't.
A dying art form, a sign of a real man that I don't have. Yes. I'm pretty good at it. Can you? Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty. I feel like everyone's in the family. Every dad back in the day, it would be like you put a hole in you. Yeah. Like a BB. I remember my wife when we first started courting each other. That's how you got her?
No, I would never put an unscrubbed pan in there. I know that's not going to come off. Like with like cheese. I like hand washing my pans. I always have. That's how I do it. Me too. But I'm saying for an extra step, every once in a while, I throw them in the dishwasher to sanitize them. Never. OK. And wash them. I don't let them sit too long. I get them right after.
Typically, I'm making my eggies. So it's pretty clean. You know, it's like that smell of old eggs and cold water in a pan. Yikes. Yeah, it turns into an odd... Odd odor. Yes, sir. All right, let's see. Get your fucking toothbrush in there with that. This one. Okay, this is from Petey the Power Washer LLC. Ever put trash in the blue mailbox? That's... That's fucked up, man. I mean...
It's a goddamn federal offense, probably. Yeah. Postal inspector will get you. Sure. They have tweaked those a little bit now. I don't know if it's the last time you've been to a mail box. Let's say you were at a mailbox. You put something in the mail. I don't even remember. I don't mail shit. Mine wasn't that long ago. I'm a UPS man. Anything I'm sending is going UPS.
That's just the closest thing to me. And I never have stamps or anything, so I just go, I walk to the Staples, hey, send these, if it's like a lease or documents or I got to send something in. They have, like, teeth now. Like, it's just a little split.
I think that was more for people sticking their hands in there and grabbing Social Security checks and shit. Weren't they bombing them out, too, at some point? Oh, yeah, why would they do that? Did they get blown up recently or something like that? What was that all about? I don't know. Keep my nose clean. Head to the grindstone. All right, let's see. We got time for one more.
This is from Flemingville. $10, holla. Is it garbage to sell your car to pay rent? It's been off the road since January and definitely took a loss, but the rent's paid, baby. Damn. I mean, that's... I understand you got to get the asset off the books. You're not really using it, and it pays the rent, but that seems like a short-term solution to me. Hadn't used it in a month. Since January.
No, so a year.
Or whatever, you know, fucking 10, 11 months or whatever.
Let's say the rent's a thousand bucks. I would assume he would have said like three months paid rent. Paid my rent for three months.
Just sounds like rent's paid. Also hasn't been running for a year. That thing ain't. There you go. But that ain't worth it. That's what I'm saying. You're not getting fucking seven grand for a car that's not running. So maybe it didn't work out in the long run. That thing ain't inspected either. I'll tell you that much. Not going to pay it's the emissions debt. You're chilling for a month. Yeah.
Gentlemen. But we got to wrap it up, gang. What a fun one. That was a hoot. Gang, we love you to death.
Peace. Peace.
You want to see something? It almost touches the ground. That's a lot of ketchup. She was like, you spit. I think when I'm smoking, I do it. And it's like nervous. I do it out there. She's like, you spit like a disgusting amount.
Uh-huh. But, hey, you know, I am what I am. I'm an onion. You know what I did the other day? Huh, I think about that. That, what? I don't know. Just spitting. Yeah, well, we're dirtbags who, you know, we cough a lot. We're catching heaters. Like, Luke's not spitting. Let's say, okay, let's say, yeah, when he's smoking his spliff, smoking his doobies.
Let's say we were... You know what spit I, I'm sorry to cut you off. You know what spit I hate? When, like, someone's smoking a blunt or a joint and they get the, they get, like, a little piece of nug on the... As they're, like, fixing the... I was driving you crazy, though.
Smoke a bong, dude. What are you doing?
A little piece of tobacco. You got a P-A-B, then S-A-B. Pack a bowl, smoke a bowl. If we were all standing in a circle, let's say it's me, you. You're about to fight each other, Luke. It was a fight club. Me, you, Luke, and people we're in business with. Okay. Who's that? Who are we in business with? People we don't know. Okay. Why are we in business with them if we don't know them?
Shout out to this old Patreon. You can throw your own tooties into the mix, and I got to tell you, that's a goddamn home run. I was giggling last night. Shout out to the homies. And give it up for my co-host who's coming at you from across the street. Colton, get in here. I'm tanking. Tagged a big man out. Hey, you pitch a half an inning. Kevin Ryan, everybody. What's up, gang?
I don't mean it like that. People we're not familiar with. Acquaintances or whatever. Okay. I don't know. Say like an agent or something like that or a manager or a booker. The suits. Not our suits. Okay. So now we have new agents that we don't know? No. We're talking. We're at a comedy festival. Okay. Moon Tower? What are we doing here? Montreal? Let me get there. I don't have my passport.
I don't know, but I'm killing. All right? You're bombing. Sure. So we're outside after a show. We're hanging out. We're hanging. Right. Catching a heater, having a beer. If you were in, like, a professional setting, would you spit? Yeah. It's subcon. I'm not thinking about it. Is that bad? Is that garbage?
It is, huh? It's not. Yeah. I mean, there's no reason. There's no play. Maybe in, like, mainland China. I know they're a little freaky. They do a lot of spitting. They do a lot of spitting, a lot of hocking. Yeah.
It's tough. I don't know why I did the karate. That was supposed to be a loogie. But I did the other day. It hit me the second I closed the car door. I'm like, this is bad. I got in the car with a lit heater. They closed the door, and it started filling up, and I'm like, this ain't right.
It was, it didn't feel, it took me, I would do it as a kid, not as a kid, whatever, 16, 17, you know what I mean? But, like, I got in, and I'm like, this ain't, this don't, this ain't. Gotta get the window down. Yeah, this feels like kissing your cousin. Gotta get the window down and that out there. Yeah, it didn't feel right. No good. I panicked.
Spills, takes you back to when you were a little kid. Sitting in that back seat. Hot box and cigs. A cold day in the Jeep Wagoneer in the backseat. I remember being in, I was in a fucking... Baby seat. Facing forward, too, by the way. I was 14. A big-ass baby strapped in like I was on a Southwest flight. And Patty just ripping.
I can see the back of her head because she had this one winter hat that I fucking hated. I thought it looked terrible on her.
What is wrong with you? Why? What are you, an old queen? Giving your mom shit for how she's dressed? Ew, gross! That's crazy, dude. I did that a lot. Get back upstairs. We're not going out like that. Yeah, she had this weird, it looked like a 1920s hat that a brood would wear. Like her hair was coming out of it a little bit. I still don't get it. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Like an Afghan.
Like a knitted hat?
Like a snowboarder hat? Snowboarder. Hey, relax, guy. Lance Armstrong? He's not a snowboarder. He isn't? Could be. Got a tight body on him. Hey, get that guy enough fucking PEDs. Plus, you don't know what he does on the weekends. Take over the mountain. That guy called a bad rap, by the way. I'm here to say it. Hey, live strong. I guess you guys are like winners. That was a great time in America.
We were united. It was like a throw blanket, but it was knit. It was like a knit at winter hat. It was more like French. She wore it like Betty Boop, like her hair stuck out. I used to hate it. I ended up throwing it out on her, and she found it in the trash and fucking freaked out on me. bitch. Hey, normal guy you are. Ew, grass. Ah, women. Who dressed you? Upstairs now, sweetheart. Emergency.
Ah, man. Like in a birdcage. That's neither here nor there. It's not. Worry about my mother's fashion choices. You are, not me. Disgraceful as they are. Here for a goddamn family episode, gang. As you know, when you sign up for the old Patreon, you can have your question read on the air by Kevin Ryan himself. Mm-hmm. Look at him. Fresh cup of coffee. This one's from... Mr. Bevilacqua.
Thanks for, got the giggles already, big guy. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes and now Spotify as well. We're cooking over there. Then obviously, full video available on YouTube. Then the greatest website of all time. Sweet Lord, sing it. And they say, don't do it on the app. Don't download the app. I'm getting, go to www.
Ooh, Mr. Bevilacqua. Ten buck chuck, never have one red. Is it garbage for your dad to sleep on the floor of your dorm room while he's there for parents weekend? That's like buddies from home type shit. That's a kid who didn't go to college and came to your school for the weekend. He's got student loans written all over it. That's a tough one, dude.
I mean, I guess if you're part... That was always a weird time. My parents never participated in family weekend, mainly because I was going to school in North Philly and they had fled the city a few years before that. And then my mom's like, I am not going back. Not for a C student. No.
And it's also, I'm like, what are we going to walk around North Philly and like, you know, go to the owl's nest to get fucked up? If you were participating in some type of school activity, I could see that. They had a reason to go. My parents came to homecoming. I knew it. We had a football game. Yeah. I knew we were going to get there. I'm just saying.
You would have done some extracurricular activities. You didn't graduate. I gave them a reason. You did not graduate. I made a life decision. You dropped out to follow fucking Pearl Jam or something or whatever you did. You're a loser out there thinking you're doing it. Got the knives out early. That was always tough. I remember I was at my sister's. It wasn't family weekend.
We were at my sister's something. in delaware where'd she go university of delaware okay fighting blue hen sure and we were at her house i guess and i remember like college dudes being there it was like a it must have been like a graduation party or something you know what i mean graduating i'm presuming okay i don't think we just went down to party on thursday thursday 25 cent wings.
We're not going to come down. Nickel beer night at fucking shenanigans. Couldn't keep the Sullivan's away. Are you kidding me? Our band's playing. And my stepdad, God rest his soul, ate something out of the trash. What? It was like a piece of chocolate. I think I... Did one of the SigPi guys dare him to? Well, there was two college bros that were like, this guy parties.
I remember he pulled... I want to say it was like a chocolate lollipop. You know how those used to be pretty big? No. I think I would know. Chocolate lollipop? Not like a lollipop. You mean a chocolate tootsie pop?
I used to love those. Whistle pops? Uh huh. Man. Chocolate, what's the, it's not popsicle, lollipop, maybe. Is it made out of chocolate or is it made out of lollipop material? It's chocolate. Okay. It'd be something like this. I got you. Something kitschy. Like a heart or whatever. But it said like... I got you. It was like a gown or, you know, class of 2002. Understandable. Okay.
Why was it in the trash? I think I threw it in there. He ate after you? And he was like, what are you doing? That's good chocolate or something. And pulled it out. And these two frat bros were like... Holy shit, look at this guy. Show up to your sister's college and you're scrapping lollipops? They're like, you're not going to eat that, are you, sir? And he dumped beer on it.
Patreon.com slash RUGarbage. You go over there. You can get up to two bonus episodes a week. You get episodes of hard feelings. You get a... A bonus episode of AYG. Plus you get the back catalog from the last freaking, I don't know, four years or something like that. You get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir. It's good stuff. What are you laughing at? So you can also do my job for me.
He's like, nah, that's good, dude, and just fucking ate it. This fat little bastard doesn't get any action. I ain't worried about what he's got. This kid's clean as a whistle. Brand new. He's got no miles on him. I was like, eight. This kid ain't never seen a boob before. Yeah. That's trash.
I remember being like, we shouldn't be... Parent families shouldn't be mingling with fucking frat with college kids. It's too... Two people's dads would come down and they're like doing blow and stuff. And you're like, buddy, you're a goddamn lawyer or something. Never. And I know a lot of people where that was like their life. Especially if the parents went to that school. Yeah.
I think at bigger schools, i.e. Penn State University. You're like, what is it? Not alum, a lineage? Parents weekend. No, but what do they call? I'm an alumni or alumni weekend. Boosters. No, I'm a loyal lineage or I'm a legacy. I'm legacy. My pop pop went here. Shut up. My papa was a beat cop in the fucking 60s. Give me that lollipop.
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That's like the crux of our relationship. I'll explain something that I've done and you take it the wrong way. I wasn't thinking that it was like that, that the fence went like... I understand, but... Who the fuck has their shed halfway in the yard and halfway out the yard? I gave you the facts of he can't get in, he can't get out. It's not halfway in. It's not even in the yard. That's crazy.
I didn't put it in. I don't know what to tell you. You should push the fence back and get the... Shed in the yard. I told you about the chicken wire. I want to get rid of the shed. I don't need that, but there's animals that live under there, so I let them stay there. That's nice.
They'll take the shed? Is that what I just heard? Take the shed. And put it where? Like, dude, see, this is we get into situations where he just says, I'll do stuff just to kind of relatively make me look bad. Maybe Patty wants it. You know what I mean? Like, oh, you don't want it? I'll take it. Patty wants it. You don't have your whole backyard as a deck.
Your whole backyard is an above-ground pool.
You have a garage.
We'll get rid of that and put the big shed in there. Keep the fox, too. I like him. There used to be a groundhog or a gopher under there. I don't know what happened to him. My neighbor's got a groundhog that's been living under there for about 40 years. No, I think they only live like seven or eight years. Big one. I looked it up. Yeah, groundhogs?
Yeah, because we were like, oh, this groundhog's probably been there for like 100 years, and we looked it up, and it lived like five, six, seven, eight years. Really? Yeah.
Two to three years?
Helicopter crashes. What do you think? They're living under sheds. That's crazy. What does a groundhog usually die of? AIDS. What does he usually die of? Cause of death. I mean, don't let him look it up. You, like, pulled back like we're hitting commercial break.
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They get big. Motherfucker go to college.
Wow, that's crazy. So I guess that's a different one that moves into the shed in my mom's backyard. Maybe you guys are all fucked up. I thought it was the same guy. It could be a local homeless man, and you guys just don't know. Man, he's legendary. It's not him.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Don't do it for a second.
You think? Dude. Because you shoot them and they're still staggering around like zombies. It's like Con Air. Takes one in the chest and keeps coming for the cockpit.
And they have like a little family unit. How long does a fox last? Oh, they don't make it. No, you're saying they stay together. They're like a baby. Yeah, she would have never made it.
Yeah, they're looking for grass. You guys killed it all and put down wooden planks. These guys got nowhere to live. Talk about ruining a habitat. It's like you guys are torching a rainforest down there, displacing the weevils and shit. Making palm oil. Digging the Panama Canal.
They're running around. But the fox and stuff, they live. There's a huge set of bushes between the lady between her legs. Between the lady that lives over there, then there's the... Listen, I've been to this house a handful of times. There's an area back there. I don't get it. There's a house behind his house. Behind whose house? Your house. Your house is in someone's front yard. Right?
Yeah. It's off to the side. They're in our backyard, really. It's their front yard. Kind of. It's a front field. It's a yard. It's not a field. There's crops back up there. Crops? Corn. They grow corn and soy. Cattle.
I don't know what you're talking about.
All right, man. That's no good. I'm telling you. No, what's no good? You do what my wife does. If they're screaming. You're the king of, like, I tell you a problem and tell you how I fix it. You got to take care of that. You got to get on that. I don't think you completely fixed it. Why didn't I completely fix it? Because the fox is still under there, maybe with a family.
Okay, so what am I supposed to do? Displace the fox? That's not you. No, no. So what do I do?
Hey, you don't know. You're the king of thinking I haven't solved the problem correctly. You have woods behind you, right? There's no streets behind you. There's woods behind me. There's streets behind me. There's a lot behind me. I'm not living in anyone's front yard, I'll tell you that much. Fucking breaking my stones. Fox or no fox. You're living on a guy's property. Nuh-uh. What?
And we sold off some land.
Sharecropping. Fucking Vandy patch over here. Vandy track. I wouldn't live in your front yard if you gave it to me as a gift. For the pipeline. For an above ground pool. All right. So you got a fox, huh? Shout out to Lowe's. Shout out to Lowe's. So that's where you went was Lowe's? No, it was the Depot guy. But I didn't go back. I forgot something. How's your chicken wire game? Pretty good.
I'm pretty proud of it. What'd you put it up there? So you can't get into the shed now because you blocked off the front door. You just put a little down at the bottom like molding? Kind of. No, I went two. I got two foot. So how can you open the door? I didn't put it in front of the door. That doesn't make any sense. You don't want to believe me. All right, so why don't you just go?
Why don't you just take my word for it instead of trying to prove me wrong that I didn't do this correctly? I think you're an idiot. That's why.
Still coming there Tuesday.
Quite honestly. I don't even think you've seen him, Fox. Yeah. It was Hans. Holy shit! Uh... What'd you put it up there with? I had those, um... Ugh, you idiot. I don't know. Don't finish the sentence. That's coming off. You moron. Guy never hung a chicken wire. Look, you believe this guy? Let's start the car. Let's go to Home Depot. Let's solve this problem for this guy. Did you tack it up?
I used those double, they're like you nails, kind of. Oh, those are good. Thank you. Those are good. They don't go in as well as I thought. You probably could have just stapled them with a heavy staple gun. Yeah, buy a staple gun. Yeah, you should have one anyway for the house. No, I shouldn't. What? I've never used one in my life. We always had a staple gun. For what? Shooting each other.
Shooting the neighbors that live in the backyard. No, we used a staple gun for the trains. To put down the green stuff for the trains. I'm not sure my mom used it for other shit. But as far as I was concerned, it was just for... What, I got a booger? Probably had to let your underwear out with it.
Reinforced your grundle. One of those things, Pop. Scratch it. Catch a leaker.
No, shouldn't do that.
There's a ramp leading up to the shed. Not a ramp. Yeah, a ramp.
Yeah. Whoa. You got a ramp because you got a mower. Drive a Lionel up your ass. Yeah. No, so you could put the mower in there. I think that's where he kept the mower in there. Or a wheelbarrow. I don't know. I don't have anything to put in there. I don't own enough stuff to fill it. Maybe I'll get you a lawnmower. No. Stop buying me stuff. I've never asked you for anything.
I don't need a lawnmower. You don't have a sick lawnmower in there? You got the kid now. You cut the grass. I got a guy who cuts the grass. You save a couple of bucks, plus it gives you something to family to do.
Well, you can change that. You could be out in the backyard cutting the grass. My dad used to do it. And then we'd be like... Look where he is now. I don't want that. Don't put that on me. He's dead. I know. Neighbor probably killed him. He cut in his front yard.
But it was a bad look.
So if you're in Cleveland and you want to see a show, come see that second show. Otherwise, we're going to be off for the summer a little bit. Boys are taking off for the summer. I got to raise the dad king of the burbs. What I wanted to bring up. I wanted to tell you this before you get into that. Man, if there's ever been an H Foley, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Done this yet, and now I'm out there. That sounds brutal, too, because it doesn't bend back. It cuts back on you, too. It's like working with saran wrap. Dude, the one edge is, like, undone, and that shit. It's like, this is, like, thin, like, tight. It's like netting, essentially. Did you fold it under so he doesn't catch his face on it or something like that? The dog. Sure. Okay.
You got to fold it under so there's no sharp edges. Yeah. I'll come down this weekend. Is that what you're looking for? I'll come down. Yeah. Straighten it out for you? Because I did it wrong. Right? Sounds like it. I don't know what I'm doing. I did it wrong. I mean. I get it. Yeah. Mm-hmm. What'd you do with the leftovers? Because you don't just buy a piece of that.
You got to buy a whole bundle. I bought three. Why don't you throw a little chicken coop in the back there? Five by two. Start doing your own eggs. What? Plus, you could probably write off some of the house. Be a farm. Mm-hmm. Have you come milk you? A quart of milk sold at the local farmer's market. That ain't milk, lady. That's any juice. I got to do this more often. I feel like a million bucks.
You're wiping your mouth. Wait, what? No, I'm the one getting milked. Whatever. Jerked off in this case. Okay. I'm saying that's not milk. I got you. It's coming out of me. Hey, we were riffing. I made a bad move.
Oh, I was? Who's going to milk me? I don't know. Who does it now? Nobody. Well, then we'll continue on that way. I can do it myself. No, I got three five-foot by two-foot rolls. So, yeah, I've covered it perfectly. Put a couple bricks at the bottom, a little reinforcement. Can you give me an update on that? Because I love all that stuff. What do you want the update?
If there is an actual fox living under there, do you see babies running around? It'd be cute. Okay. I like that. I like in the neighborhood in the springtime. I think that stuff's great. Great, yeah.
Of course. You know? Sure.
That's where we are, right? Mm-hmm. The northeast? There you go.
The Atlantic. Like a Magellan over here. Atlantic seaboard? No, what's it called? Eastern seaboard. Eastern seaboard. Yes. Beautiful. When the leaves come in. The dandruff this time of year is. It's bad. I don't know what the deal is. For the listener, I called Hank with. I have dandruff. I have fucking dandruff. With Jack Frost level dandruff. Never in my life. Now I have dandruff.
I have not washed my hair in a long time. Like a long time. Okay. Months. Bosley. Try that. Actually, I got dandruff shampoo for my beard, coincidentally, at the dermatologist a couple weeks ago because I had dandruff coming out of this thing. I can use that in my hair, he said. I told you this. You could also use it downtown.
I mean, the second you start talking about your conditions and skin flakes, I'm out. That's an old dice joke, isn't it? That they put the danger shampoo on his balls? Maybe, but his balls are flaky. It's a good bit either way. All right, enough shitting around here. We got business to take care of. This is a goddamn family public. I digress. I apologize. I apologize about the dandruff, though.
That just happened. Okay, big guy. Luke, hand me my crowbar. You know, Bosley's still banging. Sure. Remember Bosley? You want me to get plugs? It looks like they're back better than ever. I'm not getting plugs, dude. I just saw the camera. I can't believe they're still in business. They're killing it. I never understood that. They're cheap, too. They didn't say plugs.
My general appearance.
I haven't seen it. Send me a pic or a video of something. See what it looks like. I assume it's shoddy construction. Didn't you see it? Didn't I show you? You guys stopped by the house. I showed you, no? Nah. Well, you sold a nursery. Looks beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. You painted it. Which I'd probably say that she probably did the finishing touches on it. That's not even close.
Not even close. She stood there and busted your chops while you did it.
There were a couple, you know, divorce was thrown around early on in the project when we were pulling permits. No, it looks beautiful. It's a good baby's room. You got the windows. It's perfect. You'd be able to... It's nice. If I didn't put any windows, it'd be in a closet. That ain't fucking legal. No. It's not like we're living in a railroad apartment in Brooklyn.
Sure.
I'm excited for you.
We're all locked. I got the Fox. I'd still like to come over and babysit. Well, then where am I going to go? I mean, you guys can sit downstairs and watch TV. No, that's fucking weird, dude. You're not going to let me rock the baby or something like that? What? Give a coochie-goos and all that? I'm Uncle Hank, God damn it. You're going to Christopher Moltisanti the thing. What happened?
He sits on the cat. The dog. All right. Hey, quit screwing around. That's what I'm saying. Foley's got some questions we're going to go through. Hit me.
How would I know? I don't know, but buying chicken wire, I want to go back to that, is a thing where you're like, this is, even ask, they don't call it chicken wire anymore. It sounds suspect. I know, it does. It sounds like there's animals on the loose, which there kind of is. Yeah. I don't know. Or you're doing something, you're cooking something. But you shouldn't be. With chicken wire?
Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. It just didn't feel right. It's out by the gardening. I didn't know where they were going to keep that. It's out in the gardening. It makes sense. A lot of people are having chickens now, though. You get the eggs. Sure. You doing that? I thought you loved that kind of stuff. No. Okay.
I don't know. You just tried to take my 20 by 10 shed fucking 10 minutes ago. For my mother. Does she have chickens? No. She lives in the suburbs? One neighbor has them. Brings them over. The chicken? No, the eggs.
Yeah, I thought they were wigs. I think it might have been at one point. I might have offered you many things. What's a Bosley go for?
Or when it came in, or when it's going out. Bad. Alright, quit screwing around, please. For the love of God.
That's trademark infringement. I know. Two-year homie, never have one read. My apartment building is right up against a Costco. Sounds like a great location.
Very nice. So when I buy groceries, I unload them directly from the cart into my fridge. Is this classy or trashy? What? You bring one of those into your apartment? That's pretty nuts.
No. Dude, that's the thing I hate.
Yeah, that's right. You'd be surprised about how many people poop in supermarkets. You'd be wildly surprised. What do you mean? Poop on the floor? Like their pants. No kidding. Yeah, it falls out. Yeah, a lot. Don't, don't. Yeah, I mean, listen... I don't know. That's a tough one to call because it's great. But then that's a tight setup. I've never heard of it. I got to be honest with you.
I can't do it, dude. I've thought of it. I think it's crossed my mind. I've been on Expedia looking to fight the turkey.
I've never heard of that. I would do the same thing.
Maybe he got a big door. Maybe he goes right into the garage door or something. Or did he say apartment building? Yeah, I think he'd say right to the fridge. He might be speaking a little. It might be like right to the front door maybe. And then it's all like from the front door into, you know, he carries it right to the fridge, right to the house. Yeah. Either way. Trashy.
Trashy, but borderline genius.
You got an easy setup.
I'd hang on to that place.
I was dealing with it in the nursery. Physically shocked within the last 15 years. Finger in the socket of a lamp. That's what got me. I was probably, I told you that I was probably 14 or something. And I mean. Like, the jolt through you. Like, the doo-doo. I cried. My stepdad laughed at me.
It scared the fucking. I knew I was. I remember I had a Flyers jersey on. And I started crying. I felt like such a pussy. I stepped out. You'll be all right. Your eyebrows are gone. That's what happened to my hairline.
That's cheaper than what they got. You don't want the six. Yeah. That much I know. I just saw the commercial and I thought of you. I couldn't believe they're still in business. He thought of me. That's like Bose stereos. Remember the Bose system? Yeah, they're still like a leader in technology. Pretty cool. Sure. Shout out to them. Both, Bosley and Bose. Oh, man. Bose and Bosley.
I also had a couple that were hanging out.
I'm like, don't go plugging in, like, a fucking shop vac or something. No, that's bad news.
That's how the whole wall goes up. Yeah, I had to tell her, I was like, we don't ever use this one ever again. Put some tape on it. Put some chicken wire around it. Keep her out of there. Keep the fucks out. Good question. Yeah, that's a tough one. I was trying to change the light.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. And take it down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I've shattered a couple of those. Awesome. And my fucking dad freaked out. There's always bugs in there. Yeah. Big ones. I know. Dried up mosquitoes and little weebles and shit. So I was doing that. We're getting rid of those. And I'm listening. That's a barren desert graveyard up there. That's a rough way to go for a bug, man. They'll never find you.
Being lost in the Sahara, dude. Someone's back home like, why don't he don't write?
Good movie. You're right.
Wait, you're changing the bulb, or you wanted to change the fixture? The whole fixture. You're nuts. I know. You got to kill the main for that. I know. Shut down the city. I know. Never. Never. Never. I was literally like, I was in fucking John Homeowner mode. I'm like, I could do this. And I'm like, what are you doing? You never roll the dice with the electric. Just going to get zapped. Never.
Always you get zapped. I can't even change a light bulb without getting zapped. That's nuts. Put my hockey jersey on. You shut that shit down. Yeah, no, it's not for me. We got a guy coming to do it. You don't even shut down the, what's it called? What's the box called? Circuit breaker. You shut the whole building down. Call City Hall. Dude, never. Shut me down.
I don't pay the bill for eight months. I let it dry out. Never.
I know.
Okay. Three minutes. Sure. Do you want to be my chicken wire guy? Wire a house in two minutes. He did it good. Sure. I'm not saying he did it. Better than you. Maybe he should be able to do it better than me. I don't know why you take offense to everything. Better than me. Okay. Fair enough. Better looking, too. He didn't need Bosley's hair care for men. Beautiful head of hair on this guy.
He was a stallion. He got zapped a bunch. Former tight end of the Contra Hock and Steelers. Good looking guy. Italian. Brought a nice hog on him, too. Not that little dipstick you got.
It's so weird. The things you have pride in sometimes and make competitions in your head. What was that? I thought I heard something. You hear that?
Could be the effect sore.
Something. Trans alone. My doctor says cram it all. All right. Let's go. All right. Let's quit fucking around. Goddamn family episode. Great question. Great question. What was it again? Now the electrocution. Kid shock.
First of all, hats off to your mom for fucking making it work. Yes. That's fucking... Wonder what she's doing now. That's amazing.
That's a humdinger. Saw a hippo on the TV the other day. Made me think of you. Is that the one where he's pooping in the aquarium? That guy. Hey, try a bran muffin. Play off the oysters, Rockefeller. That's one of my favorite things. I've said it before, but this is way before. This is before we ever started RU Garbage.
time and that's a good experience the fact that he uh appreciates and remembers the cafeteria i love that you know obviously i love that sure anytime my dad took us to a cafeteria or something like that and we always loved it he used to take us on the on the naval bases to the cafeterias
They were big on the sausage patties, wherever it was. That's great. Trashy as shit, though. Sure. Your love for the patty didn't come in from, like, McDonald's or something? No, it never really registered. And I don't even know if we were... We didn't do McDonald's breakfast that much like that. Making up for lost time, huh, big guy?
And if I did, it would be... It would probably... I wouldn't be getting sausage, I don't think.
It was like the two-egg special. I don't remember the bacon either, though, to be honest with you, because we wouldn't have got bacon. Remember the hotcakes, the butter, the butter and that little thing. Okay. All right, before we lose you, let's check back in. Okay.
You know. Like, fully make the seat and steering wheel and mirrors your own. Oh, every time you get into the car. I disagree on that. You're nuts. I disagree. Wait, you're driving who? Somebody else's car. You don't get in and make that your car. Yes, you do. Okay. You're running the Wawa. You do that? What is the drive? That's the question.
Minus a little forward and backward so your knees and legs fit. I think the mirrors, that's a safety thing. You got to do that immediately. You get in and get situated. Fucking changing the mirrors, dude. Yeah, you do the mirrors and you make sure you can see to keep everybody safe. If you're on a fucking two-lane street, you don't need to change the mirror. You can duck and see.
It's hard because you're such a bad driver. No, I got to be situated. No, I get that. I would give you more benefit of the doubt of being, I don't situate. That's why I'm a bad driver. You don't like that, do you? No, I didn't appreciate it, to be honest with you. I don't think I'm that bad of a driver. I mean, that's insane. I don't fucking speed past tractor trailers like you do.
I'll give you that. I don't drive like I just robbed the first city national. I drive defensively and assertively. You do not drive assertively. Yes, I do. It's so weird because sometimes you will say, yeah, I'm a bad driver. Not today. Other times you really take it personal. You're breaking green lights. I think somebody might T-bone you coming the other way.
Someone might rear end you because they're not expecting you to slam on the brakes at a green light. Maybe. Maybe, it's for sure. Okay, whatever. I think, like, say in a designated driver situation, like, say we go out, okay? I didn't drink. You got all fucked up. What world is that the case? I was just killing it on the dance floor. All right?
Me and Foley were down in Philly doing a spot down there at some bad club that was mostly my family, and I guess your family would come out.
Could have went home with somebody, but I didn't because I got to take your drunk ass home. I'm getting in the car and getting, you know, so everybody's safe. I'll give you that. That's nighttime. We're probably at a cool club in Midtown. I got to go all the way back uptown. Right. You know what I mean? That's a 20-minute drive. Yeah. I'll give you that. Plus, there's drunk drivers out.
It's nighttime. You want to be careful. Yeah.
But I do see your point. If you're just running down. I mean, what's next? You redo the radio stations? This is fucking blasphemy, dude. It's all Christian rock.
What are we doing here? What are we doing? The radio station is wild. Never. Listen, I think you'll forward backward to make sure your fucking legs fit and you're okay. The steering wheel change is fucking beneath. Change that.
Because then it's like it's so tough to get right back.
Because it's not like a – there's not levels. It's just you're free-balling it.
And then it never feels the same until you get back used to it again. Yeah. I'm big on that. I got to get the wheel nice, though. I always kind of wish that – You're a bigger guy. Oh, yeah. It's a different situation for me. I got to rearrange the car. You got to sit in the back seat. Hey, we're going to have to remove the neck on this thing. Like a movie?
You ever notice in movies they never keep those in? What? They always take the headrest away. We'll film trivia for you. Hey, Siskel, zip it. Okay. Yeah, that's right. Is that all you got? I always wish there was... You know how, like, when you... Well, a lot of them just have the memory buttons. They don't really work that well.
I go to jail for 15 years, I get out, boom, my seat's right back where it was. I think that's a side film. When he gets his dad to Cadillac, it's got the memory. That's good. Go to jail for 10 years, they kill me. Yeah, Dad, you're gonna go to jail for 10 years. Yeah. You didn't like the crack about the pen, did you? I did not. Just shoot the movie so I can get it out on the streets. All right.
Listen, I would say run into the store crazy. I would say anything over on a highway, I'll give you, you can do a lot of changing because you got to be on your noggin there. Or if it's like a bit of a road trip where you're like, we're going to be in here for a minute. Of course. If you're like driving somewhere, yes, you have to. I would say under a half hour, I'm not making any major change.
Okay. Just disagree on it, I guess. Yeah.
Could be riding with a couple of... keys in there okay you don't want to get pulled over sure then you get pulled over somebody else's car then you gotta go it's my buddy's car i sure it is where's this then you reach for the glove compartment you know safety yeah it happens all the time i mean i have lost count i've had a nickel for every time that's happened
Safety first when it comes to vehicles.
They keep you in the passenger seat because you stink at driving. I'm a good radio man, though. No, you're not. We just said you played the same song for an hour and a half straight without knowing. That was an accident. Okay, but still, that doesn't happen to good radio. It's because my seat wasn't right. That doesn't happen to good radio, man. Dangerous clogging your ears. That sucks.
I got spots tonight, too. Yikes. I might go to the salon, get a wash and a blowout. Wear a pet coat. Get my nails trimmed. Bite the lady. All right.
I can't let his new lady and her family prevent me from drinking, right?
She's dead now. She's going to be a club risque. Amen. Speaking of King of the Burbs. What do you got for me? As you know, I've been documenting me being King of the Burbs on Instagram. No big deal. And, you know, I've been at a lot of Home Depots. Doing a lot of depot runs. Lately. You're getting the house ready for the baby. Getting the house ready for the baby.
I don't know what the rules... I guess it would depend on why it's dry. You think it's religious? Yeah. If one religion, I mean, unless it's like Muslim, maybe Muslim. I don't think any like I mean, the Catholics drink Catholic Christians drink the Jews drink. Sure. It's got to be like aren't Muslim. It's like I don't know. Yeah. Muslims are dry. Yeah. Muslims are dry. Hindu. OK. OK.
Huh. Hmm. I would. If that's the case. I guess she's probably too. Like, let's just say it is religious. She's knowingly her family's extended family is going to be there. Yeah. She's probably saying, tell your idiot fucking friends not to drink. Well, no, it's just a dry wedding. So they assume. Yeah, but I'm sure there's if this kid's carrying this other kid home. Has this already happened?
I don't know. I thought he said in the thing. I would say don't do it if it's ahead of you. You don't want to be fucked up and they sniff you out. I mean, but it's also like... You don't want her dad fucking screaming at you. I would say do it. Like... How are you going to drink during the wedding? Pop in the... How do you do coke at a wedding?
What? Have someone else drive your car. Yeah, I mean, you pop into the bathroom, and I'm going outside to smoke a cigarette. You smoke heaters, it's still America. Sure. You know what I mean? All right. Fucking, you got a little, you dump something in the, you know, the muzzle. Just don't get fucked up, and if it's religious, you don't want to insult anybody.
You don't want to get drug out, but, like, you can get fucked up and have a good time.
I don't know how that looks, one drunk guy in a room full of sober people. It's bad.
You've seen the drunk guy at a wedding around other drunk people. That's what I'm saying. How obvious? Everyone else drinking coffee? I don't think you're going to go that far to be like the guy doing the worm or whatever in the parking lot. But, like, you're, you know, I'll let you loosen your shoulders a bit. Okay. That's what I would say. All right.
And it's like, hey, listen, she don't, you know, she don't know she ain't got to hurt her. Of course. But, like, if you and, like, two other groomsmen or buddies or cousins are like, yo, fuck it, we're taking nips off the flask, then, you know. That's where the bag comes in. Fucking it is what it is. Yeah, just take some edibles or something. Kid knows what I'm talking about.
If that's what you get into. Yeah, take an eddy. It's a wedding. You got to get fucked up. You're celebrating marriage. And you really crush the food. What? And you really crush the food. Yeah, I would have a problem not drinking at the wedding. Yeah. That'd be tough. I'd be like, hey, man, that's great. I'm not going then. Like, I don't need to sell.
And those Indian weddings, I don't know if you've been to one. They're about three days long. You're telling me I got to party Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and I can't wet my beakers the goddamn weekend. I got to go back to the office on Monday. It sucks. Everybody's working for the weekend, man. Going back sober with wicked heartburn. I shit my brains out.
Fucking Chicken Tiki Marsala runs right through you. Ooh, man. I'd go for a little bit of that right now. Ooh, a little non-bread. How you doing? All right, let's see. This one's from Ozempic Gold Medalist. I was explaining Are You Garbage to my older friend who's in his 50s, and he had a really good one. Okay.
You know, you got to get fucking, you got to paint the room.
That's great. That's a good one. It was also a technique that the mafia used for... For years as well. What about the papers? The papers. Yeah, we did the same. We did a similar thing. We would call collect. Call collect. Hey, Mom, it's Kevin. She would say no, and then no, that was to leave the house to come pick me up. To come pick you up. After my detentions. Yeah. After my five o'clocks.
You remember 1-800-COLLECT? Remember that? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You call collect. Didn't Spade do those commercials for 1-800-COLLECT? I feel like he did. At that point, there was so many. There was like 10-10-2-20, 10-10-2.
I think the old guy was in the commercials. 1-800-CALL-ATT. Spade did it?
Damn. Talk about old school. Guys at the prime of collect calls, too. Probably a nice check for those. Yeah, that's a good thing. That's a good one. We would do the call collect and, hey, you know, it's Kevin. Or call and ask for yourself. We did something like that.
You got to get the paint off the hardwood that you spilled. You know, there's a lot going on. That stuff don't come off. Get a carpet. You got to get a new window through the roller through. I got my head punched a hole in the wall. Got to get some spackle. Told my wife she's annoying. Got to get the dog back from the ASPCA. Threw him in the clink for a couple of days.
My mom called Collect, said, I'm calling for Patty. They knew to not accept the charges and whatever. Meaning that Patty was home. They knew we were home. Gotcha. Yeah, I believe that's what the hustle was.
There's a number that you called, then dialed a number, and said, it's like you're in prison. Do you accept a call from, you know... Eastern State Penitentiary. Hey, it's Kippy. Sure. Yeah, crazy. What a crazy system that was. Not that long ago. Call Collect. Yeah. It's actually nice. Get you out of a jam. Sure, of course. I mean, at fucking $3.50 a minute. Think that's what it was? Oh, yeah.
What were the rates of Call and Collect? For sure. Yeah? That's why nobody... I mean, if it was $0.25, you would just take the call and... Yeah, it makes sense. You know what I mean? I think I remember it being when I was in junior high and we would call from the pay phone after detentions or clinic.
I don't feel like that's right. I remember mine being, for whatever reason, $3.50. Maybe that's when it switched over. Maybe they banged you out in the 90s. Maybe. But, I mean, this would have been. That's where the turning point would have been. This would have been, like, 99 or whatever. The year 2000. Whatever. Sweet system. Yeah. I like that. I respect that. That's a great question.
I respect it. Not bad. Everybody did that shit back then. Sure. And also in scheming, this one's from Justin.
That's, I mean, but that's, then you got to have neck away for, or, you know. What's a pack of them cost? 50 cents? Nah, you get the little bank, you just make sure they're in the car.
That's trash.
Delish. Ah, yeah. That brown one. The licorice one or whatever that one was. Licorice sucked, yeah. Chocolate one was good. I know, but you'd be in the mix and you'd get the... It's like doing a shot of Sambuca at six years old. It would taint the rest of them after that, too. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There was no going back. Do you remember those? Yeah. No shit. Yeah, bang with them. Huh.
Yeah, I don't like the way you've been staring at me, judging my trim work. I told you, I remember we only, the Foley's, when you get a pet, you get a pet. That's it. No matter what, we're not giving it away to people.
I never knew that. I mean, we don't see them. Whoa. That's a good dude right there. And then he's just got like a fucking pack of Marlites, throws three out the window. That's a fucking. That's a good dude right there. Thank you for your service type shit. That's amazing. That's a goddamn gentleman. That's a fucking. Helping take the edge off one felon at a time.
I thought he was going to say what they say Sebastian did was keep a pack in the car for. For the broads? For ladies. Nah, it's for felons. That's pretty good. I respect that. Yeah, I respect that too. That probably makes them weak. I hate that. Heater on a chain gang?
Greatest thing ever. Uh-huh. Man, a heater on a chain gang. I've needed some heaters.
Never on a chain gang.
That and a ladle of water. With bugs in it. A bug man. Still. Yeah, good dude. Good dude. Damn, that's really good. Did I ever tell you that one time? That's a gentleman's move right there. I was on 95 and there's a Department of Corrections van. Imagine like a fucking UPS van, like a UPS box truck with the back door up. We're flying down. I mean, we're on Philadelphia 95. We're doing 70 easily.
And there's like, I don't know, eight prisoners in the back of it, not chained up. They're just sitting in there. And the doors open? Yeah. There's two guys. It was like out of a movie. In orange jumpsuit. The one guy's got the orange jumpsuit down to his waist. The other guy's in it. And he's sitting on the back with his feet dangling off. And I mean, we are cooking, dude.
But in the beginning of our family in the 80s, we got this Australian Vichela hound, which I told you. The hell? And we got him out of the ASPCA, and I think he was probably like, he was in his teens and dog years, so he was troubled. And, man, he was a nightmare. Wait, in dog years he was? So he was two. Something like that, yeah. It was seasoned. He was bad. He was in a gang.
I remember being looking around me. And the dude, they're right in front of me. I got home right behind them. They're like looking at me. And I'm like, what? Dude, I'm trying to get other people's attention. Like, these guys, clearly you're escaping. This is like fucking. And I was expecting to, then I pull up and I was expecting to see another guy in an orange jumpsuit driving.
It's like, I'll fucking kill you.
I'm fucking winging cigs out. All right, we got to wrap it up, though, gang. Wait, so who was driving it? Officers or whatever. I guess they were on good behavior. These guys were hanging the fuck out. Dude, they were hanging out like dazed and confused, man. That's wild.
It was legit. It looked like they were out of, like, a 50-cent rabbit. It looked like they were on a movie set. That's what it looked like. It was great. Shit myself, thinking they were right. My license plate down. Come and get me on the outside. Beat your fat ass. Gang, we love you. Uh-huh. We'll see you next week. Peace.
Fit right in with your family of degenerates. Bad news. Biting everybody. Nipping, biting the whole nine yards. You couldn't get him in control. You know when they do the thing where they're biting the leash and spinning in a circle? They did that all the time. Crazy. So my dad gave him back for like 24 hours. I remember when we got him back, man, he was like old Brooksie from Shawshank.
He didn't know what to do. Tyler. Did you ever see those? My neighbor's got one of those Italian jumping dogs. Did you ever see them things? What the hell is that? What are you doing? There's no sense to me. One of those Italian whistling dogs? Hello. Your girlfriend, she got a nice ace.
Yeah, but they're called the Italian jumping dogs.
It's like they just saw a House of Bane video. These things are jumping around.
I mean, they just fucking, like, I'll be walking Hans, and this one will be coming out of their building. They just jump and do, like, 360s and backflips. It's fucking crazy. Remember those little dogs you see at the kiosk and the mall? And it does the backflip? Oh, yeah, I used to love those. It's like that. They're nuts. And there's no, like, rhythm to it. You know how a dog jumps?
These things, like... They do like endos. They pull their back up like bunny hopping. Those Italians are kooky, huh? Hey, lay off the espresso, will you? This guy had a double Zambuca.
Why is that? I don't know. It's Home Depot over Lowe's. Always has been. Always will be. You run to Lowe's in a pinch, maybe, if it's proximity. What do you get at Lowe's? It's not the same. It's the same. It is the same. They don't got that hot dog joint out front. Rocco's. Uh-huh. Yeah. Very familiar with Rocco's. I don't know.
All I can speak is from the greater Philadelphia area, the tri-state area, as Jim Gardner used to so elegantly put. One second. Can you give me a total number of Lowe's and a total number of Home Depot's, please? I want that on my desk by the end of the episode. It's got to be nothing. It's got to be no contact. They're probably pretty close, man. Home Depot's got to be killing them.
Don Pollock, or what were you saying? Don Pollock. That's from Ed Bassmaster, who I love, by the way. I don't know, for whatever reason, that Ed Bedman. Tom Pollock's my godfather. He just told me. Pterodactyl escaped from the Philly Zoo, ate a toddler on Market Street. It's his godfather and not his uncle. It's so Philly trash. It's so perfect. Tom Pollock. All I can speak is from the suburb.
This is Are You Garbage? You know it.
Home Depot was there first. Home Depot blows.
when Sears was really popping back in the day, excuse me, and then Home Depot came in, and it was a natural progression from Hechinger's to, oh, we got a Home Depot now. Yeah, no, I remember, yeah. I don't even know if there's a Lowe's in that area. Maybe there is. I don't know anybody that goes there. You go to Home Depot.
Growing up, my dad, we would go to Home Depot, and then my stepmom would go to Lowe's, so that was just where Broads went to me. That was like, you know, home. It's not, but it was like home improvement for like the broads. I think the orange sells it. Something about the orange. Because that seems construction-y.
Or maybe you're just doing that because that's what you think of Home Depot, chicken or the egg type thing. Very true. What do you got?
250 off. Yeah. Oh. By 300 or something. Oh, okay. That's not that much.
That's like we would... I can't go... There's 300 less.
Home Depot... That's where Patty would go for her home improvements that she was doing and stuff like that. But when I worked for that general contractor. He went to the depot. Everybody went to the depot. On the job sites, we would say, yo, I'm running. Like, we were the plumbers. I'm running the lows. They would run over. What?
Hey, Dan, you're fat one like sausages, right? Yeah. That would have been weird if you went to Lowe's. Yeah. It's like drinking Pepsi in the winter. I think you still say I'm running to the depot, but you go to, like, if you were going to Lowe's, you still say I'm running to the depot. Yeah. And you throw the bags out before you get there. That was always the thing.
They didn't have it at Home Depot. I had to go to Lowe's. I was like, eww. Yeah, I don't understand. That's where you pick up a Ryobi. It's very, yeah, Ryobis. We're a fucking Milwaukee or DeWalt family. Japanese drill, beat it.
I think Ryobi did get pretty good, though. I'm sure. For whatever I'm doing. But you wanted to fucking, you wanted to break out the European and go Bosch. Get a Bosch gun. Really blow your tits off with that. It's the other way. He drives on the wrong side of the road, that guy. But, yeah, it's just very, like, when I say I'm going to the hardware, I just, like, innately go.
More sawdusty.
That's what I do. Yeah, they don't know. All that shit in the commercial. There's no expert. I had to ask the same old lady. I have family members that work there in the sections. We don't talk to them. We see them when I go to the other aisle. You ever ask somebody at the paint section at Home Depot about something else outside of it? Well, the paint section at the Home Depot.
It's like they don't speak English. That's like the fragrance people at a Macy's. They're fucking separate. It's like an Edmunds counter. Yeah, exactly. I don't work here. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't work here. Home Depot, fucking MAB pays my bills. Yeah, they don't want it. I don't know. You got to ask... It's a method walking around.
I said it turns into gum. Don't swallow it. It's stuck in her hair. She's like the girl in the infomercials in black and white. She can't get her head around it. She's stuck in the blinds. She's like, it's candy.
I don't know. I asked three times because I didn't have service to look on my phone because I'm a little baby girl. Either they don't know where anything is or you're asking them about something that's right in front of your face. So either way, you look like an asshole or they don't know. Let me be honest with you. Ask this old lady. Old is, I mean, like she's 70 years old.
Old, tiny old lady working there. It's not that old. It's not young. That's old in the workforce. Depends how you look at it. I'm looking at it as an employee. That's an old employee. I'll be 70 in 20 years. You're not making it 20 years. I would have been 70. I'd be burying you at a Home Depot. What are you talking about? She knew where everything was. Better not use 1x3. I'll tell you that.
Snap that like a twig. Better put some rebar in that thing. The first concrete casket. Oh, one thing I wanted to tell you about. We got a fox. What? Yeah, I had to put up some chicken wire this past weekend. Oh, in the house you have a fox. What did you think of it, though? What did you think I had a fox? I don't know. I felt real handy. That was very nice. King of the birds. Chicken wire? Yeah.
Where? Around the fencing? From the fence. So I have a shed that's empty. I don't have anything to put in. I don't own enough stuff to put in the shed. It's just what the guy who lived there left in there. And a fox, a pretty big fox. And it's not, I don't think, and it's for Hans, it's not to keep the fox out.
It's to prevent Hans from going under because he had his head halfway under the thing looking. Oh, wait, the fox is underneath the. He ran. He was in the backyard. He ran under the shed. I don't know if he lives under there or that's just his escape route. He probably lives under there and probably has a baby under there because it's the springtime. Okay.
Are you fucking Steve Irwin all of a sudden? Jack Hanna? Big Fox? What? Who would win in a fight? That would be my nickname, yeah, Big Fox. Thanks for asking. Yeah, Big Fox. Who would win in a fight? Hans. You think? Yeah, I think by default foxes are timid animals.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, Hans is 50 pounds. Yeah. Hans, and I don't know if you've seen him, he's got a bit of an attitude problem. Yeah. He's looking. Dude, he's getting crazier about a minute. He's not running. He's, you know. Looking for trouble. He's putting his head under something he ain't never seen. I wouldn't want the fox to bite him or him to bite the fox or whatever.
Yeah, that's why I put up chicken wire. So now you have the fox trapped in the thing. No, he can get out the back. Oh, you put it, like, along the... You put it across the yard? No, across my... I don't care if he comes in the yard. I don't understand why you're not getting here.
But how does the fox get out? You can get out the back or the sides. Is there holes underneath there?
So Hans can't get to the side of the back?
Just the front of the fence is in. The front of the shed is in the fence. Oh, okay. I got you. The back and sides of the shed are outside of our fence. No kidding. Yeah.
All right. I don't know. I didn't put it there. All right. Cool. So the fox can't get in the yard. Just said that. And can't get in. Okay. I got it. Are you sure? Yeah. Home Depot. What the fuck? Kev, let's talk about True Classics, baby. Shout out to True Classics. Gang, you know them. You love them. We wear them. We love them. We're talking about True Classics.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Sure.
What are you talking about?
Whoa.
How do you use the wheel?
Maybe it had to be.
Okay.
Back me up on this. Snake Eyes had a wolf. He was a ninja.
I don't mind it.
I can see that.
Woo!
Woo!
Oh, love it.
Jesus Christ.
That's gross.
Yeah.
My feet don't smell.
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
Do you know what a Texas Tommy is?
Wir machen eine kulinarische Reise.
Problem gelöst.
Eating a hot dog on a hoagie roll.
Oh, dude, you fat little bastard.
Eggs and peppers is pretty good, too. You ever have an eggs and peppers? A little Italian breakfast? No, but just in general.
Yikes.
Oh, yeah.
Freddie Mac.
As soon as you gave him the green light.
It wasn't back.
Shut up.
Of course.
$100, $20?
I got it from work. Look at this.
He was hooking up an ice machine.
Anyway, that's neither here nor there, gang. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies.
Yeah.
Yeah, they brought them all over.
Because she was worried. She was like, why did you do that? I was like, the devil made me do that. Like, yikes.
Priest was like jackpot.
All black mold.
100%.
Superhuman strength. God took over.
Yeah, there were.
Of course, yeah.
You're moving tickets.
Cheese it over a combo?
I know, it is shocking.
An aristocrat.
It's got a bite to it.
I love it. Shout out to Denise. Denise in the house.
It's not good.
Very nice. Quiet little weekend.
Good friend of the show.
Any athlete's foot currently? That's so weird. You just said that. Oh, my God. Do you? That's a great question. She's getting real political. Thank you for that question. Yeah, yeah.
That's pretty clear. For real money? Or like coins?
Yeah, you're right.
No, of course. You're in a safe place. I mean, I'm filled with self-hatred.
Get the fuck out of here.
Attention, fellow dirtbags. The Back on the Block Tour starts this week, baby. We added a couple second shows, but tickets are going quick. Do yourself a favor. Grab the squad.
Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian and podcaster. Rising star on the comedy scene. Yes. One of the stars of that Kill Tony universe over there that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. You can hear him every week on the William Montgomery Show.
You said, hey, I don't want to do this.
Fucking 14 year old kid run through the goddamn woods.
Kevin's talking about Ridge Wallets, baby. Shout out to Ridge Wallets. Gang, you're still carrying around that same bulky overstuff. And let's be honest, crusty leather wallet your grandfather gave you. Looked like a doofus. It's 2025. What are you doing? It's time to upgrade and meet Ridge Wallet, the sleek, minimalist wallet that's changing the game.
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Okay, let's talk about Rocket Money, baby. Rocket Money. Gang, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings, baby. Do yourself a favor. You think you're dropping this amount of money on subscriptions? I'm telling you, it's way more. Get Rocket Money. Find out.
If you want to keep it, keep it. If not, get rid of them.
But the big question on his mind today, is he garbage? I don't know if it's a big question. Sometimes you got to go away for a home game. Give it up for Casey Rockett, everybody.
Do it. Did things smooth over after that?
You were just having mental issues.
12.30, just rolled out of bed.
Yeah. What did you prefer about the Tuss and High? Why didn't you just drink?
All right. That's not bad, man. Crashed that car?
Riverside Military Academy.
Was it just like a high school with maybe prep years, like you could go a year after high school?
Nice facility with history and all that kind of stuff?
Let the kids sleep in. You got them doing stumps. You don't want to get up in the morning.
How were the kids at the military school? Were they cool to you, or was there bullies and shit like that?
Going back to public school after that must have been...
You can tell you're a smart guy.
Yeah. Like Holden Caulfield. That's crazy.
I don't know much, I'll be honest with you. Bit of a mystery. Give us the backstory. Give me the whole thing. Southern boy, no?
Were you reading for pleasure on your own while you were going through all this shit with the Tussin and all these, the rehabs and all that stuff? You were a reader. Sure.
So you were writing papers and all that kind of stuff?
Talk about turning it the fuck around. Look at this. What was the name of the magazine?
Mm-hmm. Were you the editor?
That's pretty good. What about the social scene in college?
You say you're staying in the dorm, you're at your proper campus life. All right.
You started when you were 20.
And then did you move to Atlanta?
Okay. And then how long were you down there? I...
Wait, why were you in Boise?
Were you doing comedy out there?
How long were you in Austin before you popped on Tony?
You were in the car for eight months?
Whoa. Where would you park it?
Showering at friends, all that kind of stuff, making it work?
Working a day job at all?
There's three slices missing. Deal with it.
You've got to be really drunk in public to get drunk in public.
He's going to the stores that have a chase policy just for the thrill of it.
You are fucking all over the road, dude. What did your pop say now? He fucking went through all that shit with you? You got a solid, good career.
Have they come together at all over the years?
When you guys moved to Georgia, did your parents split up? Is that why you moved?
Is this your parents' house?
Okay, so you were still in high school.
He's got the biggest sandwich in the world.
And who'd you live with?
I seen it pull up. I was like, that can't be him. Yeah. It's got the whip.
Is this apartment you have your first, like your own nice apartment?
You probably had to put down $17 million.
Off the lease. Off the lease.
New furniture and all that stuff?
You have to put it together?
Did your parents get along? Were they okay?
Look at this fucking kid.
He's got a smart bed. What size is it? King, queen? Oh, Queen, come on. It's all right. You know better. Look at you. Okay, let's talk about Lucy, baby. Shout out to the good folks over at Lucy. Talking about Lucy Goods, 100% pure nicotine, always tobacco-free. Lucy Breakers are nicotine pouches with a little extra surprise.
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We got to talk about Mando, baby.
Gang, if you don't know Mando, first of all, you've been living under a rock or something like that. Here's a little reminder. Mando, deodorant isn't just for your armpits. All over body deodorant. Keep yourself fresh with Mando. Get on there. They got the wipes. They got everything. This company's blowing up over here.
How rural are we talking about? How many people were in the town?
I'm working up to a suit.
You're a young guy. You're doing it step by step. You got the couch. You got the bed. Are you cooking over there now?
Or do you go out at a restaurant?
Let me ask you this. How much flying did you do before this took off?
I don't know what it meant, but I took it as disrespect. Holy shit. How did you like that?
You go over there, you have a twist love affair. Yeah. Under the Parisian lights.
Where did you stay when you were over there?
I don't know why I asked. So a dorm room.
You soak up the culture. You go to the Louvre.
Have a little foie gras. Go out to the Palace of Versailles.
Are you a fast food guy? It's got to be.
Man, he is. Throw and throw. You like a Baja Blast, don't you?
Like something like onions or tomatoes or broccoli?
Did you get a lap dance or anything like that? Sure, I got a dance. I won't lie.
Touched the seat, touched your eye or something. Yeah.
Why wouldn't you have them on? Just out of curiosity.
And do that at, like, shows. It would be like a... Yeah, we're always at the horse shows when I was a kid.
Otherwise, for the most part, the families are doing okay? Yeah.
Wait a minute. You had a family farm at a certain point. Your mother had a family.
And you got she kept it all the way through.
So she's a good trainer. Not bad. What about medical-wise? You got insurance? You got health insurance? I just got it last month. Yeah.
What are you doing? So cool.
I'm with it. How do you like to travel since that's new to you? Do you like a nice hotel? Do you like a hotel? Anything particular?
You were just bragging to the boys. That's what you were doing.
You two nerds ever kiss a girl, huh?
How often do you fly out to Atlanta or bring her here? How's that work?
So she grew up with you?
So she saw the whole thing?
Is this fucking kid all right?
It's true. I fucking love this shit. Look at him, man.
Gives you a titty twister and walks out.
Driveway, everything, you know.
Is that what I was going to ask you? Where do you spend your Christmas?
Dad's house, do the tree, all that kind of stuff?
charlie kaufman this is all like different directors and then pictures of me dressed as grimace so do you have that little tiny mirror that he used to look through it's a meditation it's a form of meditation i mean so i you know pretty open and closed case i think we have here you're flossing every day
You keep the apartment clean. You got a vacuum and all that stuff.
Clean guy, wash the dishes, all that shit?
It's going to sound crazy. You're going to think I'm nuts. I genuinely don't know if the kid's garbage. I really don't know.
This is talk about rooting for somebody.
He's got the apartments clean.
I wouldn't say how he operates now when I deem that garbage. He's got his shit fucking together.
What spaghetti do you make? Regular spaghetti?
What about mayonnaise? You like mayonnaise?
You're trying and it ain't there. What are you reading right now?
Yeah, I piss in the shower. Brush your teeth in there? Yeah. You leave the toothbrush in there? Yeah.
Man, what if that's the moment where it would all turn around?
Are you writing anything currently? Are you writing anything long form right now?
Writing scripts. Writing a script. Kid's got a laptop. What do you got, a Mac?
You could type on a typewriter.
He was 26 when he did that?
I mean, come on, what are we doing? I love them, buddy. We love you. 100% garbage.
But man, honestly, bro, what a fucking tale. And congratulations. Thank you.
Casey Rocket, everybody.
I'm not coming to get you. Take it easy on a lunch meet.
Thank you. Love you. Kippy, what do you got for them?
Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.
Behind the barn that she worked at.
Okay, so it was you, your mom, and your sister.
Runs in the family. Took over the family business. I'm going to chip off the old blot.
Does he go and like do the show, like do the like he's a is he a pitch man?
So he's like a big break away from being like a Billy Mays.
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
I can't get a read on this game.
High school baseball coach.
It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. But they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Dave Trolley, coming at you on another beautiful day down here in Tejas, Austin, T. Cody is having the time of her life down here. Tonight, she's sitting in on the keyboard for that Gary Clark Jr.
And what did you play? What position?
Is that mom or dad taking you there?
And did you get along with your stepmom and the family and all that kind of stuff?
Were you in either of those weddings?
So your mom gets remarried. The financial situation improves a little bit. Her husband. Yes. She gets a house. Your dad has a house. Did your mom have more kids or no?
Tickling the ivories, baby. She's not going to want to go back. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. Slightly amused this week.
That they had? Yeah. So you're the only one going back and forth? Yes. Two proper rooms in each house?
What kind of stuff would you do to get in trouble? Give me an example.
He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
And what happened when you ran out of rehab after 10 days? What'd they say about that? Are they springing the bill for this too? Or is it like the state?
Is this far away from everything?
So there'd be, like, a box of 15. And, man, as, like, a 12-year-old kid finding that shit.
That was cool. We were skating. So that was like very, yeah, I'm skating. All the signs were saying no skateboarding.
They hated it, dude. Hated it.
Were you breaking shit? Visually, you don't look great. You got the long hair. You're hanging out with guys with long hair. You're smoking a cig. You're loitering. You're not contributing to the shopping center.
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Also... What?
So you were more of a misunderstood kid. That's what it is. Sure. I was cruising. I was a good cruiser. I wasn't good at tricks. I could cruise with the best of them, though. Also, I was a good hang guy. I had a lot of laughs. Somebody fell. Hey, whatever. You know what I mean? I was a good vibes guy. But, all right, let's see here. This one's up for debate.
And as a previous cashier, I have some input on it. What is the minimum – this is from John. What is the minimum dollar amount you're willing to save in order to jam up the checkout line so the manager can get the coupon or go check a price or – there's got to be a number. A little bit of cash, no cash. Oh, okay. Like your number. Is it like, hey –
this was supposed to ring up for $5, it's ringing up for $10? To me, I would say if it's $5, I'd go, I would make a comment of like, this was ringing up as whatever. Also depends on how long the line is. If the kid's in the weeds. You know what I mean? He's got 50 people. The line's halfway down the aisle.
It's like the last thing he needs is someone running back to the meat section to find something. This is a hypothetical as an adult now. This is now. Yeah, you're food shopping, and something rings up. What is the dollar amount where you're like, buddy, that ain't right? I think about $5, I'd go, guy, that's wrong. I'm willing to roll over, but that ain't right.
Maybe a marketer, too. Act now. Act now. While supplies last. Act now. Act now. Nah, tickets are going. Moving. Tickets are moving. They're moving. Pontiac, Michigan, sold out second show, added dare. Nice. Everything else is slim picking, so get them while they last.
Yeah.
Are you working at a cafeteria, sir? You got to fill the time with small talk as they're running back to check the price.
Listen, I think the pro move from being on both sides of this, the pro move. In my head, I'd have to be like, what? I'd have to have that react. What? Sure. I think the pro move is pay it whether you think it's right. And people have done this with me. And this is where I learned it. They go, all right, let's just say it's ringing up. It's supposed to be $100.
The whole order comes out to $120, and you go, nah, the fucking meatballs were supposed to be, you know, whatever, $20 instead of $40.
This just in.
I know, but I'm just saying, say you do. Say you're like, oh, I'm going to buy. It's one item. You're there to buy... A fucking grill or something. A grill? I don't know. Something. I'm getting a grill at the supermarket?
Yeah. Huh.
It's not the seasonal section. What am I getting? What? What am I getting? I don't know. Probably something cheap. Weber? No, I don't think they sell Webers there. I'm just saying you're buying something where you're like, oh, I'll buy this here. It's $99. Okay. And then you get up there and it's $120. And you're like, that ain't right. That's not tax? No, it just rings up as $120. It's $20 off.
Why are you breaking my stones on this? What the fuck? I want to talk to your manager. Hey, guy's a comedian. You got a real tight imagination going here. Why do you smell like cigarettes when you're working, by the way? I just took my 15 minute, which I don't have to clock out for. Shh, don't say nothing. You have Snickers bar to curry your mouth. That's not nougat. You must have sucked.
We're the same green khaki pants that were my dad's. Man, those things were broken.
I don't want the cameras going off. Just pay it in the short term. Double back. Keep the receipt. Double back. Go check. Was I right or wrong? Okay, this is $100. It rung up as $120. Take a picture of it on your phone or whatever. Then you go over to the customer service. Then you go over to the customer service. You go, hey, listen, this was wrong. And they go, here you go, there you go.
Rain checks?
Pro tip, you could get them at the cashier. You go, this and a pack of Marlboro Lights. And then they call over. I used to do that all the time. They would call over and then bring you your Marlboro Lights, which is a... You feel like royalty. Someone's walking over, hand delivering your heaters.
Some of these markets or cities we're doing during the week, so we can't add a second show, so we're sticking and moving, so get them while they last. Got goddamn work in the morning. Woo, doggie. All tickets available at rugarbage.com. There you go. Yeah. Got the website, everything. Shoot. Still pretty good. Doing all right. We got a $9 a month website cooking. Shout out to it.
I mean, when I worked there, you pick up your check at the front. Yeah, she didn't work there. You cash it right away. She, like, wrote a check to herself and then cashed it there. Does that make sense? Yeah, they used to do that. I think they stopped in, like, the late 90s because a lot of people, you know, flipping hangers and stuff. Send them bad checks.
Fucking catch me if you can out this mofo.
She lives in Philadelphia. She's an old bag. She's not some mastermind. Let me ask you something, Patty. How did you pass the bar exam? I studied for it. She's catching a heater on a spirit flight back from Europe. some French prison.
Listen, and I get it.
I'm not telling you to, I'm telling the listener. If you, if that guy, the kid don't, he's not setting the prices. The cashier has zero money. They might be able – when I was doing it, I think if it was under 99 cents, you could void it yourself. Anything over that, you got to have – like, they don't have any power to do anything.
So the person's got to come from the counter anyway and do it there. So just go, hey, I'm going to get out of this kid's hair and go up there. Bleached green hair. I did have some bleached hair at the time.
A lot of people stealing, but they know that, and they save that money on paying the worker. I don't know. If something goes wrong, you need somebody to come over anyway. What's the fucking point? I know, but if you're buying two things, what's going wrong? I'm pro. I check out why the guys sit there and watch me. With empty lines.
No, like they're just waiting for their regular cashiers. Some action. Yeah, and I just walk right by them and go. Oh, really? Yeah. I like to say hi, do the thing, get the bag. If I'm buying like two things, you know what I mean? Typically Cheez-Its and a Diet Coke. I don't need this guy all up in my business. You know what I mean? At the grocery store? Where else am I going to buy it?
It's scary. I double up on the cans. Stay real frosty. Maybe some diet Dr. P if I'm feeling myself.
Everything's darker than it should be. Dr. Pepper's going to go bad. What the hell's the date on this stuff? This isn't a cooler. No, I agree with that. All right, let's see here. This one's from Benny B Cups. Also, shockingly, a lot of our Patreons have worked at supermarkets throughout their lifetime. Love it. Which is like the... It really is like the lower class, like... Stomping grounds.
That's like, you weren't working at a bank. You weren't, you know. No. They were the easiest to get the jobs. There's typically one person got the job. Hey, got all their boys jobs. Yeah.
We know what we're doing. I get in there and start coding. What is the server fee on that?
everybody i know worked there as a fucking bus boy yeah and and everybody got job sure all the hot chicks all the fucking everybody worked there yeah bulkways um there was one of those in my neighborhood too i never worked there because i worked at the grocery store but my boys did and other people man they would talk about it because like girls from other schools would be there working there and they talked about it like it was fucking hedonism you know what i mean like
I'm out there smoking a cig with Cheryl. And you're like, damn, Cheryl. I'm like, yeah, we're talking. Some Catholic school broad from a couple towns over.
I'm like, what the hell? I got no action over here. I'm catching heaters with Cartmaster Bob. Shout out to Cartmaster Bob, by the way. He still lived with his mom. He did. He did. Cartmaster Bob did live with his mom. He took the cart game way too serious. They offered him cashier a handful of times. He turned it down. He wasn't good with people, but he could talk to the cart.
He was the cart whisperer, this guy. He made his own tool, the claw. He never let me use it, which I was quite upset about. But man fucking with that guy was all not fucking with but just talking to me be talking home for like three hours And he would just tell you that he's you mean He had a claw. It was like a piece of string with a hook that he made with a hanger.
So he could put that and run a rope to this piece of wood. So he could control. Typically, you could drive five carts yourself without someone steering the front. Yeah. But he had a hook and ladder type thing he had working where he could do it himself, man. And he would tell you, I don't recommend you doing this by yourself.
I don't even know what the MySite. MySite. Is that where it's like email me at henriettefoley.me or whatever? That's like Mac does that? I've never trusted that.
They got fired. Which I think was a setup. I think it was an inside job. They accused him of doing some stuff. There's no way Courtmaster Bob would ever have done.
I used to go with Father Bill. What are you talking about?
Yeah.
Did you ever go to the grocery store with your father? Did your father ever handle that? Yeah, super. He loved going to the supermarket. Oh, he lived by himself. I mean, he was a single parent. He had to. A lot of pickles and canned tuna. A lot of kosher pickles. We'd get at Perron's Deli. Yeah, no, he loved going to Super. He didn't like stocking up. We were at the Super Fresh a lot.
He'd pick me up after school at my mom's. We got stopped by Super. We were always stopping by Super Fresh. To the bane of my existence. And then me and my brother would hang out in the car and the fist fight. Sure, sure.
You might as well have been in Nam, dude. Dampen the screams a little bit.
I had never gone with my stepdad.
I got a one-legged turkey. You're like, what the hell is that? You work at a firehouse? I know.
No, I get that. Canned sandwiches? Like, what? Well, yeah, they're good wet. What? That's a lot of juice. Ah, it was real C-ration shit. Uh-huh. This one's from Benny B. Cups. My first job was at a local supermarket bagging groceries and retrieving shopping carts. I was 17 and briefly dated my 21-year-old co-worker. How you doing? He said that.
She later dumped me for a guy in the meat department, but she bought me a bottle of Malibu, so shout out to her, though.
That's your first and only computer you've ever owned was that one. That at one point ran the company. Ran the early stages of the brain trust of Foley and Ryan Enterprises.
She probably played it fast. She's working at the grocery store. She's playing it fast. Fucking the meat guy, the deli guy. Listen, the meat guy, meat and deli guys were always, and a lot of my friends worked as the meat and deli guy. Shout out to my boy Deli, we call him. Shout out to Deli. He's a meat guy. They're bad. They're at a rough point in their life.
They're like the cooks in a restaurant. Those are the bad boys. Not the chefs. They're not the head cook. They're like, yes, they're the cooks. The Bourdains, the fucking. Yes, they're the.
Because there was always a butcher. There was a butcher who was 42, and he had trained to be a butcher, and that was his job, and it was a full-time gig for him, and he had bennies. The deli guy, because they had to be 21. Had to have a little personality, too. I know. They had to be 21 to be able to work nights. So it was like... Your parents don't give a shit about you. Yeah, right?
So it was like, you had to be over 18 or 21 to work with knives or the deli slicer. So we could never do it as kids getting jobs there. But my boys started working there probably when he was 20. And I mean, yeah, you're... You're not in Mensa, you know what I mean, if you're working. And shout out to you, but those dudes were bad dudes.
Those dudes were like the cops coming and questioning people and stuff like that.
They were a bad kid.
You want a bottle of Malibu? That's a great tale right there. That's good.
My buddy, he used to get there if he was working, like, a longer shift, get there, had a crock pot, would take, like, the day-old stuff, get his stew going, work all day, and then at night he'd have, you know, him and, like, the fucking seafood guys would get back there and probably get all smoked up in a porking lot in his galant. And then go back in and chow down on, you know what I mean?
A little French dip or something they had going on. Man, they always had that white jacket on and, like, two pairs of pants because they're working in the cold. You know what I mean? They're back there in that cold meat room. That smell of uncooked meat, too. You know what I don't like? It's like you're in a morgue. One of the ones I go to in a Burbs. Nice joint. The meat guy, he's back there.
You see him in his little window, and you do the, hey, you know, just like waiting. You're waiting. They have a phone that you pick up, and it rings back there. You call him? You don't have to call. You just pick it up, and that phone rings in there. What? I feel like I'm calling in the new codes. I'm like, buddy, I'm just looking for a couple of beef patties here. You've got to pick the phone up.
You've got to lift the phone, then it rings back there, and I'm like, he's closer to me and Luke. There's just like a window between us.
Wait, okay. You were pushing 30 at that point. Sure. That was over 30. You're going to get your feet. This is him helping you start your artistic venture.
I'm like, no, it's only, it's not like, he's not.
I know. That seems out of time. I know. At first, I'm like, oh, this is pretty cool. Now I'm like, I'm calling the fucking meat guy to get me two fucking hamburger patties that I'm going to burn and they're not going to be good and I'm going to get in a fight with my wife. Hi, is John home? It's Kevin. Can I get three pounds of junk? Yeah. Yeah. Shout out to the meat guys.
They're doing the Lord's work. Meat and deli guys.
Oh, cheese don't last. Pound of turkey, pound of cheese, probably a half pound of ham. And then my stepdad would get his weird smelling shits that I wasn't messing with. Stuff with eyeballs and stuff in it. Fucking crazy. Dude, it would cook the fridge for two weeks. Come home from a week down the shore, open up the fridge, and it's like smoked something in there. Yikes. The eggs were bad.
It would get through the shells.
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It's a lot. It's crazy.
In my thinner days, I would go and get a pound of the buffalo blazing chicken and a pound of cheese and just sit in my kitchen and crush roll-up. I'd eat it all in the same day. I wouldn't shit for four or five days, but, man, I was trim. Low-carb kippy, they called me. High in nitrates, though. Living with Carl Cartman. All right, let's see. This one's from Roy Munson.
You ever have a parent go grab something while you're in line by yourself? Ooh, baby, that anxiety that you're going to be on the hook for everything gets cooking. Man, you, I don't know what, they said they'd be right back.
I hate it. Just like we'll get it next time. If we're not eating it tonight, we'll get it next time. And you've I'm a big I'm also nuts. OCD, high strung, whatever, whatever you want to call me. That was your opportunity. You've lost your opportunity. You didn't get everything you needed on the belt. You got to double back or you don't get it. You don't get to jam everybody up.
Now you do all lowercase, which is somehow even more – More of a bitch move. It's all in cursive. No punctuation or too much punctuation.
Oh, I'm with him.
This one guy, Xavier, said, ever actually have to pay for the groceries while your mom went to grab another item? She forgot. I was about eight and had to tell the cashier the pin because I was too short to type it in. That's tall. She leaves you with the card. That's pretty good. I'll give you that. Patty would never do that.
Fake them out. It's four, three, two, one. One, one, one, one, one. They'll never get it. That checkout line, though, as a kid was a, you know, like you said, it now shaped how you handle it now. They were high, strong, high, intense. You know, I remember my mom writing the checkout, telling them to post it, you know, don't cash it until Friday type thing. Man, watching my mom write out a check.
There was seven. I remember as you had to go through. I remember it. I remember going through cashier training like I was training to be – they were training like I was training to be in the CIA. Like, what are the seven things you need to check on a check to make sure it's – I don't know. There's seven things you have to go through, though. The line, the this, different car.
You're like, buddy, why am I the front line against check fraud here? Can't we get a guy from the bank to come here? Take a look at this with a magnifying glass? Oh, shit about that. Okay, wow. Yeah, they were like, you cannot accept a fucking... I couldn't tell you if a check was real or fake now. I worked in a lot of checks afterwards.
I worked in paying a lot of people's bills, so it's like I know the accounts would get hit for fraud, and you would see the... But that's after years of writing 50 checks a day or whatever and managing bank accounts. But, 16. I'm living in my fucking, I'm tugging my root in my fucking mom's house. You know what I mean? I'm like, I got a big case, big fraud case going on down at the Acme.
Handling wire fraud.
It's like, what are we doing? Running through that, running through the machine. It prints on the back. I like the pen. Check the bill.
I mean, this is well done. It's the rudest thing I've ever seen in my life. That is... You got to get this guy a pair of headphones and a dialing wand because you're all over the map just intrusive in people's personal space.
Ah, the marker. I never did that. You get me, you get me. What are we doing here? I'll figure this out. You did it. Live around here? No, we would get a... Yeah. You'd get people coming in with the EBD. Roll it up and do a line with it, see if it feels right. Nah, this is fake. Bad luck, dude. Ours were, the Pennsylvania was WIC cards. It was the food stamps.
I think it was called Women and Children in Need or something. Jammed up broads. Jammed up broads, but that didn't work for everybody. WIC, I think, ended up for everybody. It started Women in... Women, infants, and children. Women, infants, and children. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. And they would come through, and they'd be trying to buy something that wasn't fucking on it.
And now I'm like, I'm too young to be telling his broad she can't get black olives or whatever. You know what I mean? Because they'd go, no, this should be on. I'm like, I know. I'm sorry, but it's not. What, there was only certain items? Certain items qualify for, yeah, I mean, you can't just get food stamps and then just buy whatever the fuck. It's certain things.
I don't think prepared foods are or something like that. I forget. I don't have all the rules. But not everything in the supermarket qualifies to be bought with food stamps. Gotcha. There's certain... I'm sure each state's different.
Well, then it... Because the computer... It would all be in the computer system. So I would ring up... Let's say Rice was, but... The order's rice, shredded cheese, fruit punch, and a rotisserie chicken. Maybe soda's wearing or something like that because it's not like a necessity type thing. So I'm making this up. Let's say soda's wearing.
I'd ring it through and they go, hey, well, you've run the WIC card. And I go, all right, well, you now have a dollar balance of $14. And they're like, how? And I'm like, here's the receipt. Now, I'm negotiating like... I'm like, this is... Can we get a caseworker in here to go over this?
Yeah, lady, I don't give a fuck. All sleepy from the pizza you had for lunch. Yeah, meanwhile, I just crushed a chicken parm down at Piccolo's. Shout out to Piccolo's. That was big. Crushing heaters. Man, that 15-minute break. You get a half-hour break, and if you worked eight hours, you get a half-hour and I think two 15s or one 15. I would take that 15 strung out over the day, though.
You'd close your lane. Yeah, close your lane. Or somebody might come tag you out. And you check out and they check in. But if you're closing for 15, maybe the manager would cover for you. But if not, they'd open someone else up.
16? Yeah.
I remember this. Man, I remember. I was a young kid, and it was a woman, single parent, working there with us. Debbie or something. And, man, she would sleep in her Cavalier every chance she got out in the parking lot. And we'd be like, now I get it. You're fucking jammed up. But I was a 16-year-old kid, you know what I mean? I'm like, this poor broad. I'm like, go home.
This guy, dude, this guy stinks. I need a shot of radiation over here. I was in a car with him yesterday. Oh, man. We spent way too much time together. I thought we had a nice time. This guy asked if he could watch a 30-minute video on his phone yesterday while we were driving together. No headphones. He goes, you mind if I watch this now? I said, yeah, I mind if you watch it now.
Call all of... Go get some eight hours. It's probably your second job. She'd come in at like... Sure. You know what I mean? Talk about fucking hustling to make it work.
Yeah, me being like, can I take my break before you? You know what I mean? Like... I got a party. Yeah, me and my boys are like, you know, I'll get a sixer, you get a sixer, we'll meet, you know. Meanwhile, this broad's fucking... Bum. You know, keeping the lights on and the plates spinning. Sure. All right, this one's from Slippin' Jimmy. Y'all ever bought a lobster from that tank?
Which, they stopped, right? Due to, like, PETA stuff? Yeah. Like, I think it's, like, animal cruelty they stopped those tanks. But that made me think that question. As a cashier, I ain't never seen nobody ever bought a lobster. That was like adopting a teenager.
Yeah, I never knew anybody. I never saw anybody buy them.
They're still around.
Yeah, they are. I think I've seen one. I know that, seriously, I think they got rid of a lot of them, though.
That's nice.
Sure, you'd go to a more specialty place to get that if you were getting it.
Yeah, we would go to not Rick's. American Seafood or something. It was down on Route 1 in the street road in the boulevard. American seafood or something. They'd be real busy around the holidays. Yeah, get a bushel of crabs. Be eating crab in September like a fucking bozo. Getting sick and shit.
They ride in the backseat of a car with that wooden basket next to you.
Wait for one of those guys to make a move on you.
One's popping off. It's like Toy Story. They're all plotting behind you.
You're the first one to get it. I didn't like that at all.
I used to judge the people on the... Obviously, never really having money. People come through. Somebody's rich. It was in more of an affluent town, for sure. Newtown, Pennsylvania. What? You're talking about the seafood joint? No, the Acme that I worked at. Okay.
Well, they come through, and I'd be like, $380, and they wouldn't even bat. Here, hon, here's the card. And I used to judge people if they did debit or credit. If they did debit, I'd go, whoa, you got $280 just sitting in there like that? You don't need 30 days to figure this out? I'd go, debit or credit. What, are you selling this? And I've stolen the line now when they ask you.
Uber driver always says he's cool. Meanwhile, he's doom scrunching. Big conversation. Look over. He's just playing like plane crash videos. You're like, dude, come on. I'm trying to stay engaged. I'm hung over. We're not here to talk about my personality deficiencies. Have you seen this show? It's precise. Do you want to do your physical one? Sure.
But I remember one guy hit me, and I go, debit or credit? He goes, it don't matter. And I went, whoo, this guy don't even freaking care. Is there a helicopter outside, mister? It don't matter. I'm like, it don't matter. Yeah, just like, whatever. Just coming through, and he's just buying, like, cases of soda.
You're probably going to go home, and you're going to drop off all this food and then order pizza, probably. Those sandwiches are going right into the garage fridge. Uh-huh. Just like... Just like a hot, older woman, right? Not, oh, I mean, she's probably my age at this point, you know? Yeah. Late 30s, whatever, 40. Sure. And, you know, just like, you know, just nice clothes, good tan.
She just came from the tanning salon or whatever. And just like, she's got like the fucking- She ain't a rush. She's got like a navigator key when the keys are always like around the finger. Like, yeah, yeah, hon, I got- Smells real good. Woo! Probably.
Or like hot girls' parents would come in. Hi, Mrs. So-and-so, you know. How you doing?
You still see her around? Dude, also talking about how big of a dirtbag.
She's asking me. I got to lie. I thought you were asking the mom. Ever since she started hanging out with the cool kids.
Also, just as big of a dirtbag as my crew was, one of us got a job at a supermarket. We were all like, that's the best thing I've ever heard. Dude, me, my two boys, Justin and Justin, worked at the Acme. Then 10 feet away, there was a Gennardi's, and Pat and Flip, and my boy James all worked there. So it was like, dude, we had the neighborhood on lock. We thought we were the fucking...
I control black olives in this town. You get whop, yeah, we'd argue. Like, I get $9.25 an hour, but you don't get two breaks. You're not in a union. I would assume. I was a teamster for a minute.
All right. Let's see here. This one. This is from Taylor. $10 home. He never had one read. I strongly feel that when it comes to the cookie cracker and chip aisles. Hold on. Cookie cracker and chip aisle. You put yourself there? I'm with you. that every supermarket should have taste testers for each one instead of buying a whole box and you end up hating it. I get that with the crackers.
Chips, you should know. What do you mean?
You got your Wheat Thins.
No, you should have a tester where you could just pull it out. You got testers for everything else, all fragrance and whatever. A tester box where you go, all right, just pull this.
I know, but I'm just saying, you should, I mean, we're grown humans in a society. You should be able to walk by, pull one Triscuit and go, nah, that's not for me. I want to do this one. You're getting cheeses and meats? What's the best goes with what? You can sample the deli meat sliced in.
Yeah, I'm taking a cracker. I'm not there setting up a charcuterie board. I'm just taking a, you know. Okay. And if I've had it before, I'm not testing it. What if they had an open box there? Nah, it's got to be some sort of regulation on it. You know what I mean? Some sort of oversight. Somebody there. An old woman there. Just an open box. Hey, hon. We just got these in. You might like it.
If I had to guess, a really fat Italian guy. Who may or may not be with us any longer.
You think they're paying for that?
Hey, buddy, we don't own a grocery store that we're trying to meet ends meet. I'm saying in a fantasy land, we should have that. I think maybe Wheaton should. Also, wouldn't you worry about the payroll and the overhead expenses on this? Sure.
I don't give a fuck who pays for it. Somebody to trust. That's a good idea. There's no cooking involved. And there's a thousand frigging things. Just go give me one of them. Okay. Let me pop in there. Wet my whistle a little bit. You're there with the broad. You haven't eaten in a while. You got a slice of cheese in the middle of it.
I love it. I love it. I mean, I would exclusively. I feel so fancy when I stand in my kitchen counter and I do that. I feel fancy when I do it with peanut butter. I still do that, and I top it. Oh, you got to top it.
I mean, I would just do pure peanut butter and I would take the gallon of milk out to the TV. I take every all all of the raw materials come out to the coffee table. I pull it into me real close. I set up, and I probably make about five to start, and I get excited while I'm making the five. And I put a lid on them, each one. I'm a goddamn gentleman.
Because if you're doing just peanut butter and you don't put a lid on it, it sticks to the roof of your mouth. I need a barrier so I can get a good chew going. And then the amount of milk I crush with that. Then the peanut butter's getting on my fingers. It forms a film on the glass. There's floaters going, and I'm all over the... I'd never do that in front of company.
I wouldn't do it in front of my wife. Dumb brood.
There's a great company like Delmonico or Del something. I could not be that.
Nah, that's whack shit. Fucking rip that thing off. I don't get to control my... cheese thickness and stuff like that. I don't like that, but I don't mind it. Trust me.
One to one. It's nuts. I got four crackers left over. The fuck am I doing with them? Yeah, trust me. Don't get me started. I got to tell you. Don't get me started. I got a whole OCD. I'm at a pepperoni like an asshole. As a guy who loves cured meat, carbs, and has OCD, that thing's my nightmare board, dude. They throw in some craisins in there? They make perfectly cut little things.
And it's like higher end, it feels. They're like just sausages or little pieces of salami or whatever. Size of a quarter, maybe. Man, you crack that bag open. You govern your cheese as you like and your crackers. Ooh! Ooh! Maybe top it with a piece of Hormel pepperoni. Ain't telling me not for a little spice. Salami and Cheez-Its go great together. Wow.
I remember seeing a kid's bologna sandwich, and you couldn't even see the bread in the middle. It was like, it went bread, bologna, and I was just like, there's no bread. It's completely dissolved in the middle. It was crazy. I'm like, you're just going to eat that and not go home and yell at your mom? That's wild. I like that. I respect that. Cheez-Its and salami. All right, let's see.
Dude, that's a lot.
Let's crush through a few more here. This one's from Jenna. $10 hoagie. Is it garbage to watch your buddy huff two cans of whipped cream at a stop and shop and then immediately pants out in the aisle? That's the guy who ain't worried about tasting crackers. That's from abroad, by the way. That girl's name was Jenna. Listen. You'd think there would be more of that.
As somebody who worked at a... You would find... People would whack them. You'd find them in the bathroom trash can and stuff. You would find them.
I don't think you're shopping in bad enough neighborhoods. Those rough— You think they're locked up? I know that we used to have my— They're locking up the ready whip? Not locked up, but listen. So you walk—I used to—we used to work at the shop right on Aramingo Avenue in Port Richmond, Kensington, whatever. It's right on the fucking line there. And that was—dude, their security in that place.
People would rip the—they'd come in, they'd try to rip the toilets off the wall and shit and scrap them. Dude, the security in that place is like White House-level security. They clock everybody coming in. They got, like, facial recognition. So I think in a neighborhood, if there's enough people who need to walk in and do whippets, they got eyes on you. Okay. They're clocking you.
Sure, you go to a nice suburb, you can go in there and start cooking meth in the cold and flu section if you want to. But at those dicier ones, I think they got muscle on you. Fair enough. This one's the same. This is from Bogart. $10 bird fan. Never had one read. Ever been arrested from the grocery store you worked at for public intoxication?
Buddy had left me some moonshine in the walk-in freezer and said, help yourself. Let's just say I was blacked out in an hour and was found in the back sleeping. Mind you, I was 16. Buddy was like 25. That's fucked up. They called the cops on you. Get arrested there. It's probably if they probably called the police. They probably called 911 to get an ambulance. The cops are showing up.
You know what I mean? Cops, yeah, you know. I get that.
I have one kid. Talk about killing the vibe. Kid took 10 uppers and 10 downers to see if they'd cancel out. Never heard from him again. Got a 1400 on his CDs that afternoon. Could name every president, forward and backward. All right, let's look at this from Screaming Cold. $10 Kohl's cash.
Yous ever put food from the hot bar in a clear produce bag and weigh it as something else at the self-checkout? Buffalo wings look a lot like clementines, but for a fraction of the price. That's fucking nasty. That is dirt bag level. That's...
I don't think I could eat.
He said you got to double bag. He did say you have to double bag.
To me, it's like a European thing. I think they don't use them, and I think they look at it as wasteful Americans. They feel we use too many bags. I feel we don't use enough bags to me. I like a good bag. Being honest with you. I like the shopping bag that you get when you leave. Big fan of all bags. Not those. So I've gotten accustomed to just throwing it in the car and it drives me.
Then you put it in the car. Like you're in a sitcom. You're going to a market. I know. You put it in the car. You take a hard left out of the park and all your apples are all over the back seat. I'm sitting there like a J-O. That's a wild move with the wings. Yeah, that's not. I mean, hey, hats off to you. Do what you got to do. Oh, those aren't Spanish onions? I'm sorry. This one's from Tom.
Are you garbage if you eat lunch in the dining area of the supermarket without shopping for groceries? My local store is Killer Wings for cheap, and I'll go to dine in. I also respect that.
In New York, with Whole Foods. Oh, that's, yeah. You're eating kind of, you're trying to stay relatively healthy and not go get pizza. On the cheap, too. Relative cheap. You go hit that hot bar, and then you just pull. But it can't be. That's too night. Whole Foods. It's got to be a regular. They're not nice anymore. Dude, that's like a truck stop. Yeah. Oh, it's homeless. People are set up.
that'd be cool to bring those back just daily cummerbunds buddy it's it's we got hard enough keeping you in jeans let alone let alone fucking tuxedos man you ever have a cummerbund on in your belly i've never you never had to wear a cummerbund who do you think where you didn't go to prom we did a black tie affair those tuxes were out a cummerbund yeah nah that's i mean that's like the 50s
It's like they're peeing in newspaper. You're fighting for your life in there sometimes. It ain't great. It ain't great. Some guy peeing at a high top. This one's just funny. This one's from Stu. This one's from Stu going. That's pretty good. Broke my foot in a food line doing the thriller dance and flip flops and some broad jumped on my back. Dude.
Killing it. That's all right. This is from Joey the Lips. Is it garbage if the butcher at the grocery store used to hit on your mom? I told you, those meat guys, dude. You got to keep them on a short leash. They're going to get you. They going to get you. Serving the meat. How you doing, buddy? All right, we got to wrap it up, though, gang. Gang, we love you to death. What a fun one.
That was great. Can I say that? I'm loving that. And as are a lot of the feedback. The first one we did was the cops. This one, Supermarket. We're doing a little more. Comment whatever theme you want us to focus on.
We weren't doing that. Tuxes now are just like suits. Cumberbund and fucking... Maybe a vest. We did vests. Vests are all right. Dude, man, I did some mean vests to school dances and weddings. Get the Mumford and Sons on the line here. Dude, did I ever tell you? My one buddy got married, and I had to wear...
So we did this thing where it was, like, I don't know if it was, like, through men's warehouse or whatever, but you, like, I think it was through men's warehouse. So, like, because people were all over the country. Like, the groomsmen were, like, didn't all live locally.
Typically, I think you're, like, oh, if you all live in Philadelphia, hey, we're going to meet up here Saturday morning, all get fitted for the suits, then go pick them up and you're good. Yeah. I was up here. I'm, like, dude, I didn't have the time and or resources to get down, to get to Philadelphia for a tux fitting. Yeah. I didn't have the extra 40 bucks.
I assume you were nervous in the men's warehouse. When's this bill coming? I didn't do the men's warehouse. I did something else. So they were like, just send your measurements in. So I did my own measurements. I bought like a tape measure. I think I had my wife do it. It was my broad at the time. We weren't married. We were just dating. So this is your nine feet tall.
Dude, those measurements came back. Whack the fuck out. I look like Tracy McGrady on ESPN, dude. It was bad. I was rolling them.
Yeah, we've already added a second show in Pontiac, Michigan. We got a low ticket alert in Indy, Madison, Minneapolis, Pittsburgh, Cleveland. Get them tickies now, we'll see you out there.
One of them was pie. What? 3.333 repeating. Yeah, it was... I mean, I had to roll the... The top down. Of the pants? At the wedding? Yeah, I picked it up in Philly.
It was either that or T-Mac it. I had my brother. Well, no, that's what happened. I had my brother pick it up because I couldn't even get down there to pick it up. So I had my brother pick it up. You're out there like white chocolate, breaking ankles. Hey, you! That's my nephew. Hot sizzle. I'm out there doing skip to my loo moves. I had my brother pick it up and try it on for me. What?
No, we were about this. I was skinny at the time. Okay. Skinnier at the time. Sure. For sure. And I had him try it on. He was like, it's, I mean, but this is, he's picking up Friday. The wedding's Saturday morning. Men's warehouse. And he's like, it's not, there's nothing you can do, but it's not great. It's bad. Probably closed a lot of ass at that wedding, huh? I think my parents were there.
They were. You're peeing with your pants all the way down. Can't get any fucking chicks out here. Shout out to Ryan Dunn. All-time great line. Ah, yeah. Tough, tough look. I mean, I don't do well in those type of things. That's the last time I do my own measurements.
It's a very nice shirt. It means a lot to me. I'm going to wear it. All right, hold on. You're going to push back on this. You didn't put that on thinking this means a lot to me. You put this on going, this is all I got. If we're being completely honest, I know you. Don't lie to the good people out there. You're saying this now. It means a lot to me.
You put it on because you thought it fit, and it's probably all you got. Yes or no?
Today.
Oh, exactly. Exactly. This don't mean a lot to you. I bought this the day before I left. Also, you just put Ian's T-shirt under it. Try not to be an Ian. With Jordan. Let me have that sign on the door. No more Ians allowed. That's pretty good.
That looks like the lining of a rich guy's suit, if I'm being honest with you. That's like a rich guy would have on his jacket. And you're rocking it as a shirt. Inside? That's nice. Nice. You know what I mean? Maybe the pocket square to tie that sleeve. For the inside of like a nice leather jacket. Yeah, like you open it up and it's that. Ooh, that's nice. That's when you know it's classy.
Meanwhile, you're rocking it. Do you remember some nice... It's a little dark for a wedding, though. Sure. I blend it in, though. It looks like you're selling blow. You bump into a guy wearing that shirt at a club. He's got yak. You know where I can party?
And then it was like a vest, typically. It didn't have the sleeves on. I used to try to pull that off. I used to try to pull the vest. I mean, he's young, but I would put a vest on. It just looks nice. Yeah, it was like, yeah, the lining of my dad's London Fog or Alfani jacket or something like that. I told you, Big Dan used to rock a leather trench coat with warm-up pants and white Nikes.
what up gang shout out to you thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes uh full video available on youtube and also now spotify get over there rate review comment through the whole nine spotify video spotify video the boys are locked in uh but obviously the greatest website of all time uh pull out your phone your desktop your tablet you go over to www.patreon.com slash are you garbage you get all
Like, just that would be his, you know, food shopping thing. He'd be at the Superfreshers. That's what he was living with the Ultimate Warrior. Sting. He comes down from the rafters of a Superfresh. These are supposed to be 10 for 10.
Super Mac-its, kid. Super Mac-its. Which is very... Supermarkets have been very definitive of this show. We each have very strong opinions on supermarkets. Supermarkets are very... I mean, it's one of the questions we ask every guest. Where did you food shop growing up? Where do you shop now? I think it's a great decider of trash and class and economic landscape. And it's just certain...
It tells a lot by where you food shop.
And this is what I wanted to... This is what... You know, it sounds corny. I mean, obviously very corny. But they are... I mean, I worked at a supermarket for... I don't know, four years, something like that. Started out as a bagger. You talk about it like you were a nom. It was a time. I mean, this was doing the 10 for 10 melee. Things are good. Things are good.
Heck, you try to work at an Acme on freaking Black Friday. I mean, Thanksgiving. What? I've been drinking. His shirt's disorienting me. Don't look directly into it.
What? What? It's what The Undertaker would wear to a wedding. It's kind of dangerous and dark, but he's trying to be festive.
These are kind of our wedding colors. That's kind of a lot. You're really trying to say it's kind of Christmas, kind of our wedding colors.
Walks in a lot of worlds, this design. Anywho. You stink. I hear you talking about my fashion. Again, have you seen the show? This one, so we reached out to, shout out to the Patreon. It's supermarket themed, right? And we, this I think sums up what supermarkets are. R, right? Okay. So this is from Beard Mantooth, $10 debit benefits recipient. Love it.
Is it garbage if the main hangout spots for all kids and teens in our town was the Safeway Shopping Center? Experience a lot of firsts up there. I love up there. That's a real dirtbag thing. Yeah, he's going up there.
Saw my first pair of tits behind the market, drank my first beer up there, swiped my first bottle of Robo-Dustin' and Robo-Tripped up there, caught my first teeter up there, smooched my first bird. Saw my first fist fight, smoked weed for the first time. Hell, I even got a job at the Safeway and ended up getting my first hernia while working there. That's full circle. That's goddamn what?
That's the whole series of the Wonder Years right there. That's everything. This guy saw tits before he kissed a girl. At least that's what he ordered. That's like if they are very, you know, for a lot of kids, if you grew up in the suburbs, hanging out at a shopping center, skating, it's like that was kind of the anchor to where you were hanging. Spent a lot of time around there.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Especially the back. Out in the back.
All that bonus content, gang. I'm talking up to two bonus episodes a week. Hard Feelings, AYG, all the... You get episodes from four years ago till now.
Yeah, a set of train tracks that don't run anymore. Man, we used to. That's where life goes down. Skateboarding. We weren't that good at skaters, but we'd end up at a shopping center. We were good at dumpster diving, though. Yeah, we were. And just, dude, I mean, finding those big, long, fluorescent light bulbs, wailing on each other with them, because that's what's in supermarkets.
Proper way to store glassware. They only did that in the dust bowl, I think. That's why.
I'm not saying you're wrong, but I'm saying I don't think the correct way is rim side up. Rim side down is for like glasses like, you know, like whiskey glasses and stuff like that that you don't use as often.
So did you not do them or did you pour them in?
To work out like you're working out in jail. There you go. It's more common than you think. There's a lot of those gyms that take over just like big- The big space.
My aunt always did that.
I respect that. That's like freezing milk. Isn't that illegal? I do that all the time, actually. You freeze pizza? I got five ruby roast slices in the freezer right now.
What?
Get off my dick, will you? This guy's trying to bone. They tried to get me with that, too. They wanted me to go on the special needs bus because it was shorter and because there was a tight turnaround for my bus stop. So they wanted me to go on the special needs bus to get dropped off in kindergarten. Wait a minute. Hold on. To pick you up at the house? To drop me off.
It's a tight loop.
No, it was like proper. Yeah, they were in the wheelchair. They were all. I put my foot down quick. It was like second grade, and my house is close to school, so that's why I started walking home.
Plus, you probably had that four-mile driveway walking all the way up. And get to the gate. Dempsey Manor. The school bus couldn't turn around in the circular driveway. That's why I started taking Uber Blacks home. I'm surprised someone didn't carry you to school.
Dude, coming out of the freezer is really good. No. That's insane. I'm not even.
Yeah, better to reheat.
Is that what you do? You press the weed? Yeah, you can do it with a hair dryer or a hair straightener. My bad.
That's concentrated. Is it?
Yeah, ESPN Plus. That's who gets it? Jams you up. No kidding. Well, it's all owned by Disney.
Yeah, the second Da Vinci Code. Oh, I know what you're talking about.
Six, nine, six, nine, four, 20.
You're more liable to get locked in the room with those doorknobs. Those things, that's what I'm saying.
Sure. I went to an adult one, so it might be a little more difficult. All right. Well, let's. Ken Jennings over there.
All right.
I have them pulled up on Google, so if you want to ask country of origin or anything. Of course. What are you talking about?
All right. So I think. First one. First one based off our first conversation. Hold on a second.
First one based off our first conversation. What first conversation? Narcissistic.
Having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Maybe just cross out your whacks.
Hold on. Nar... Narcissistic. I mean...
Pen's down. Show the answer. Wait. You read it, and then we say we've got it right. Narcissistic. N-A-R-C-I-S-S-I-S-T-I-C. Say that one more time. Narcissistic. N-A-R-C-I-S-S-I-S-T-I-C. Damn.
Now, this one's a childhood one. Childhood one. Mississippi. Oh, come on. Yeah, I mean. What are you doing? Yeah, no.
Next one. Okay, no points on the board. I could use a win. Let's get some points on the board, boys. I respect it. Also, I'd love for both of you to get this wrong. Hit it. Mississippi. M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.
P-P-P.
Stuttering on the bees. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. All right. Are we ready for the next word? Cleveland. Nutritious. Nutritious.
Nutritious. Nutritious. Nourishing. Efficient as food. Like all spinach, it is very nutritious and best when young. Nutritious.
Okay.
I'm good. All right. Nutritious. N-U-T-R-I-T-I-O-U-S.
I'm not a good speller. All right. For Henry. Hallucinogen. Hallucinogen.
A drug that causes hallucinations. I don't fucking know what it is. Hallucinogen.
Hallucinogen. Halluce. Hallucinogen. Sin-o-gen.
Are we ready, boys? Are you saying hallucinogen or hallucinogen? Hallucinogen. Hallucinogen.
All right.
All right. Hallucinogen. H-A-L-L-U-C-I. Hold on.
All right.
No. H-A-L. L-U-C-I-N-O-G-E-N. Fuck! You did I-N. I-N. And I had an A. You got it? Yeah. Kippy's up 3-0.
I've been doing the phonetics for you guys. Yes, thank you. All right. All right. All right. Settle in. Are we ready for the next one, boys?
Flabbergasted.
Flabbergasted. Fuck. Greatly surprised or astonished.
Foley's bowel movement had left me flabbergasted.
Flab-er-gasted.
Flab-er-gasted. Flab-er-gasted. I'm on the fence. Flabbergasted. I'm giving you a hint here. I got it. Flabbergasted.
Yeah. Kippy did pitch this one this morning.
All right. Flabbergasted. Flabbergasted. Flabbergasted. F-L-A-B-B-E-R-G-A-S-T-E-D.
You did D-I-D? Yeah. It's D-E-D of anything.
I was a T away. I'm so scared. Pussy. I'm so scared I'm fucking these up, dude. What do you mean? You got them in front of you, right? I know. That's what's bad. All right. All right. Are we ready? Go ahead. All right. You guys both have one of these. Wieners.
A wieners. A small wieners. Corporation. Corporation.
Poor.
Henry's on the board. Kippy's on the board, though. Are you keeping score?
I think you're five, and it's to one. Okay. Let's start doubling up some points. Make my money back. All right. Staying in the same vein here, a couple of you guys, entrepreneur. I know how to spell it. Shark Tank. Shark Tank.
Entrepreneur.
I'll give you entrepreneur. Entrepreneur.
Henry.
No.
I'll tell you what, there's no A's.
You're good, yeah.
Nah, because it's N-E-U-R. Good job. Whatever. I'm going to start looking for some more, but... We got to get something.
Okay. And Foley can take a loan on his points, let's say.
What about the Tommy?
You get to wager up to three points, but after you hear the word, up to five points after you hear the word. Okay. I have an easy one and an easier one and a harder one. Go easier. Okay. Matriculate. What? What? Matriculate.
Matriculate.
Can you use it in a sentence? Yes.
A person who has matriculated.
Whoa.
Well, you wanted me to use it in a sentence. Use it in a sentence. A blue chip recruit that routinely came to the school will no longer matriculate. I'm worse off.
Ready? Yeah. Go ahead. Matriculate.
Yes. Matriculate.
All right, so two to seven. Two to seven. All right. Now I'm gaining some ground. There we go. Okay. All right. Next word. Go ahead. Arachnophobia. You do like movies, but hate Spidey's.
Arachnophobia.
All right. Are we ready? Yes. All right. After these results, Foley will probably need to gerrymander.
Yeah, manipulate the boundaries of electoral constitution. I don't even know. Manipulating the boundaries for one.
Gerrymander.
Five points. Okay, Foley. What am I down? You're down six. Wait, do I lose these points? In a perfect world, yeah. In a perfect world, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah. So Foley gets two. It's like the Indian casino over here.
All right. The Foley household is tumultuous. Oh.
Tumultuous. Tumultuous. That was a little cheap.
Making a loud, confused noise. Obroreous.
Tumultuous.
I didn't know there was cool gear I could buy that could separate me from everyone else.
We've never seen this happen. The poor gentleman, he's a young man, apparently has fainted on stage. I think he's okay, but they did stop the clock.
He seems to be okay, and he spelled the word correctly. That was unbelievable. We're going to take a quick break. He is all right. And we will return to Washington right after this.
That doesn't look right, though. It is. Looks too French. It looks very French. Five points. Four points. All right.
Hey, three cheesecake. All right. So four to one on this. Four to one? Well, you get four points. He gets one.
tumultuous t-u-m-u-l-t-o-u-i-s t-u-o-u-s what you piece of shit you fucking sandbag me i got it wrong too spell it again fuck i should have let you bet t-u-m-u-l-t-u-o-u-s i have i-o-u-s
It's nine to four. Nine to four. All right. Paparazzi. Ooh. Italiano. They also, if we want to do Italian, they have paparazzo.
ARA. Uh-huh. Wrong. Wrong. One P. One P.
P-A-P-A-R-A-Z-Z-I. ZZ Top.
No, you're not losing. We're not losing. You are, though. Okay, it's 9-7. No, it's 7-4. 7-4. Coming back. Okay. Okay. Let's throw in a little...
But, yeah, I mean, I hate long division. I don't think I could do this myself.
Multiplication?
All right. Four. Okay. outside the little box yeah oh you're so young i hate yeah four divided by no no because it's whatever divided by yeah right it's so 8212 divided by four 8212 divided by four all right i think well i'm dusting it off here i think i might have this It should play somewhat easy. Sure. If we were brushed up on these skills. Four, I think I have it. It's all coming back to me.
I could go to seventh grade as well. What year is this? Junior high. Oh, Jesus. All right. What do you got, Foley?
Eight to five. Okay. Okay. Let's do...
Okay, so Kippy got one letter wrong, Foley got two letters wrong. Yeah. Okay, so you want the lowest score. You want the lowest score, so it's 2-1. 2-1, okay, go. Okay, this one's tough. Consequently-
Consequently. Consequently.
How do you say it? Con-sequent-ly.
Who's not bitching to you about this wedding?
I got two. All right. So Foley is up to four. Kippy stays at one. You had more than two letters wrong? No, I didn't. No, he had two. Two.
Yeah.
That's not funny. That's terrible. All right. All right. Decentralization. Decentralization.
Decentralization.
Why? Last one. We got to wrap it up. All right. So Foley gets four to one points. Okay. Triceratops. The one I don't know.
Triceratops. Try. Would you like to close this out, Henry?
T-R-I-C-E-R-O-T-O-P-S. I got one for you. You got one wrong. You got that O was supposed to be an A. Ah.
Okay. So... Can we come to Pearl Harbor?
Are we the only celebrity table?
If he catches eaters, yeah. Yeah, I'll catch eaters.
D1 athlete.
I got you right up. It's not like you're in the fucking back.
Is there like a bride and groom big table at the front?
No, we're doing it.
This thing's going to suck. Oh, I can't wait for our Uber Eats order. Yeah.
We're happy for you, buddy.
I have so many questions. Sure.
R-O-O-M. How many words do you have? I pulled like 10. I got a long list.
I got a kite from the pen telling me. It's in many men. I got a kite from the pen told me Tuck got knocked.
But you can, like, letters down the cell as well, like flying kites to each other. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
What is P? You said the word.
No, they're just the government. The government pays them. So it is federal. That was in Pennsylvania. They got trumped up. That judge was taking kickbacks for sending kids to jail for stealing $40 out of them because they get paid per head.
Yeah.
You got your sodas. Okay.
Uh, what I loved about that movie was the book was about an Irish guy and they didn't change the name. So that line about way, why do you, why do they call you red? And he goes, I don't know. I guess my freckles.
It's like a breaks that fourth wall. Anywho, you got, uh, jalapeno summer sausages. You got beef sausage.
I'd be all over them fucking pep slices, dog.
You got mozzarella cheese stick. I think that's just like, you know, string cheese. Jalapeno cheese. Squeeze. Squeeze cheese. A shredded beef pouch.
I think it's all probably cooked. Okay. It's like MRE type stuff. Like it's already shredded chicken in a fucking pouch. I mean, that's a deli, you know. That's it for the food items.
Chips. You got jalapeno Cheetos, spicy Doritos, sweet and spicy Doritos, a lot of Doritos, pork rinds, Cheetos, hot fry.
They medevaced him.
I had a buddy do a couple overnights in there for petty shit.
Each other. I also don't think that many people are smoking. I mean, obviously still, but it's not like the 70s or whatever. Fucking everybody's lighting up. Right.
You got to go bottom bunk.
I think in jail, it is like 99% race.
There are prison consultants that if I guess if you're getting locked up, you go to these guys and they fucking give you the rundown.
I had a buddy of mine said he changed the channel. He was down in a, like, Cape May courthouse. And there's a lot of bloods down there that live in, like, Wildwood proper, like, all year round. And he goes, I didn't realize he wasn't in there. He was in there, the guy, the same guy, like, whatever.
He was in there by himself, and it was on. Nobody was in there when my buddy walked in or whatever. Oh, what the fuck? Yeah, no. What the fuck? Changed the channel, and the guy came in, and he's like, as I was changing it, he just fucking right in my fucking rib cage, like from behind.
They got salt shakers? The inmate would be fucking winging them at people.
Yeah, smashed him in the head, knocking him out. Never reach across a food tray. Never sit on another inmate's bunk without permission. I mean, you don't go to someone's house and lay in their bed. Sure. You did it to me on the bus with your fucking dirty underwear.
I don't know what that is. Is that shoes? A pair of glasses? No, I give you shoes. Yeah, the prohibition extends to your leisure items as well. You will not be able to bring in games, cards, books, iPod, or anything or any of that sort of stuff with you.
You won't go straight from freedom to DOC in most circumstances. After you are remanded to custody, the Department of Corrections will be held at the county jail until they can transport you, blah, blah, blah. That makes sense. Yeah, like until you get to prison. It might take like 48 hours or whatever.
When the day arrives for you to be transferred, you'll likely be woken up extremely early around 3 a.m. to be gathered and put on a... Oh, man, I can't even get a good night's sleep.
Slippery slope.
I'd rather be a prison wolf.
Then they lean it on you for fucking outside cash.
If you're going to gamble, make sure you can cover your debt. Gamble? Oh, I'd be running a racket. I'd be cooking the books. Fucking talk about screwing people over.
Other inmates can and will fashion weapons. Even if you keep your nose clean and stay far away from physical violence yourself, it still may encounter violence. Always be aware that prisoners are not as secure as we want to believe. Of course. Yeah, you'll get got. But one good thing about prison, you can watch the Super Bowl.
The guys who run the fucking cell block.
Yeah. And they run it up the flag, they run it up the flagpole. Either to the staff or someone on the outside. They check to make sure it's all right.
Yeah, you're old. You're fucked, dude.
I'm to witness protection. Let's say I stole a car.
It was just he would do something, and then it was one little thing. The ripples of that would change his life. It was like different times or something like that.
Yeah, it's her.
2004.
Shout out to the motherfucking homies, dog.
A red band. They get together. I hear there's a whole town made of gingerbread. They meet up at their meetings and fucking share stories.
Just curious how much. Just for my personal information. This is a what if.
You're really tiptoeing around this.
Oh, yeah. Hi. It's like oddly turned on and also very, very scared.
Goes both ways. You're captivating.
Let's fucking go, mothership. Goddamn.
Everyone's Latino. That's no white as shit. Yeah. I have tons of friends. They're great, admirable people. No one says that.
I'll tell you that right now. He's only got four fingers.
We're trying to expand to European markets here. I love it.
He sounds like he's never talked to a girl before. Yeah, this is freaking me out.
What a reference. Oh. You know that show no one watches? That's what it feels like I'm on right now. What are you talking about? It's a good show.
Jesus, dude. Who knew the movie phone guy was such a creep?
Wow, look at that. Have you guys seen Laser before? I haven't. This guy's fun. I mean, I've seen your clips and stuff. You're fucking awesome, dude. Who doesn't like him? That's crazy. I mean, the fucking powerhouse.
He fucking killed. That was fantastic, man. Congratulations. Killed it. Thank you. He's a creepy motherfucker, but he's funny.
Dude, the way he looks at you like a bird, it's crazy. His head turns fully around.
You had to get a diagnosis for that? Yes.
Buddy, we're not even going to charge you to copay. You got enough fucking problems.
I don't even think he worked. He just went to Express and they let him fold the clothes.
Okay. Speaks in those southern riddles.
Looks like he just came out of a coma.
It looks like you're actively swelling up right now.
That's why they're dropping out of the sky. Are you a pilot? Oh, no.
Right, but... You get some fucking water. I think he might still... You put it in your mouth. Tony, what are you getting? Yeah. Let's get some Xanny bars and figure this out.
How far is the gym? I feel like now he suspects Foley broke the knob on the volume.
That ring's tight as shit, too. I need the jaws of life to get off. That thing's never coming off.
Wow Wow Wow Wes
It's got real dick cabin real quick.
Couldn't do it.
I thought it was going to be the next big thing, and I feel like it.
It's always like, well, just because we need sleep. You know what I mean? It's like we have to get to bed.
I told you we have a big day tomorrow. You know what I mean?
I'll never leave that.
I'm telling everybody. If that's what happens, I would lay off it. Big time.
to figure this out.
Yeah, I don't know.
human-like traits or if they talk about like you know like i just watched one on polar bears and it was like a mom and two two baby polar bears and they really had jacking off immediately it says polar bears the ones i made oh dude i forgot we're saying it every day he walked down the other day out of his bedroom he's like i'm going upstairs for a little bit goes up close the door comes down and just immediately starts washing his hands and i'm like dude you couldn't make that any more blatant what you just did up there
Dude, you couldn't hear him.
He came right down. What's up? No shirt on. What's up, guy? You just had sex.
Are you going to get fourth wheel? I got to shut it down. It's 10.30.
How do you get on Pornhub down here? What are you guys doing? I get why you get off it now.
Is that just Xvideos?
I'm a hub man. I just never. Did you guys ever have a password back in the day to like a Pornhub?
It was like 14 sites you could get.
Like those like find local single girls? I go to Reddit and you can just like find people on there.
What the fuck?
Obviously, that's what you do when you get a hooker.
And I had to go in the oven at 350 for an hour. Poke some holes in them and let them sweat, baby.
oiled up naked you're at the top you're as cool as you could be at that moment you got a fucking hooker you're all you're having a blast and then boom on the fucking ground did the little pin that holds the air in fly out or did you blow it out he claims it was the cigarette there's obviously it was not the cigarette there's a weight issue yeah I wasn't this big back then.
Dude, this is so recent.
I never thought about it.
Now I don't believe him at all. I've never thought about it, but he lies about everything.
I know and it's kind of oddly catches my eye but doesn't fully get there.
They typically do it on, like, an air mattress for, like, the oil.
No way.
It's lube, condoms, and then... No, they have the vibrating cock rings.
Yeah. It's a good vibrating ring. Can't get pregnant unless she comes, you know? It's right next to the dental floss.
It's too big for you. You got to do a dry run by yourself to make sure.
That's called a dress rehearsal.
I enjoyed those. That was great. You get your hands on like a Lifestyles or something, man.
It was, uh, it just took forever.
I think she's a fucking whore. This is based off one experience he's had. When he was waiting tables, he's like, this dude rolled in, this girl was such a whore, ordered chicken Alfredo, and then, like, that's what my mom eats, and now I can't look at her the same.
I remember thinking about it and being like, what's it going to do when it happens? I was just like, I was baffled by it.
Loved it.
I had Orlando Magic.
The Charlotte. If you saw a kid in Philly wearing Charlotte, that kid was a dirtbag. That was a broken home for sure. Yeah.
it's funny you guys had a foreman mills or something yeah now you feel the obligation you gotta stick to your teams but for a while it was like very fashionable to have like you could have like an atlanta hawks hat or yeah we were basically black people at that point yeah that's all dude wearing the nba jeans the other day my neighbor was like all the patches on them i was like dude do you remember then they had all the patches it was like lloyd banks used for sure yeah i was like god damn he busted him back out
I don't know, maybe he's still wearing them.
I was a big jersey and matching fitted kid. Very heavily influenced by G-Unit. G-Unit got me too. How could you not? He came in like a fucking tornado.
Yeah, that's a pro fat guy move. Yeah. Like I'm not I don't have a shirt on. I just really like the team.
Yeah, all the kids have one. I tried my shirt once in a pool. And then you don't think you get out. I'm like, oh, the sun. You lie. You're like, the sun. It was navy blue, too. So it's not even like... He's in there in a button down. And I got out. And then it's like, then your shirt's wet. I didn't have an extra shirt.
Ravi Tortellini.
So I'm just like, then you have to either take it off out of the pool, which is worse than in the pool, or just hang out in a wet T-shirt.
Tortellini. Tortellini's are for, yeah, dumb bitches. Just get the ravioli, you skank.
Such a brutal look. i had the thought process too of like no one will know yeah no one's gonna believe that it's fat it is because i burn easily the adults are like look at that fat kid somebody dunk him i might my dad i was a fat a real fat kid growing up my dad was a fat kid too yeah so he just like looked at me and he's like knock it all like he was like
So devastated that I was also a fat kid.
I put the food in a bear bag. I hang it outside from a tree. He's out there.
I get that. You look good. And I'm like, I'm about to die. Like, I'll come off the road for, like, two weeks. My head's, like, this big. She's like, you look good. Meanwhile, like, I had to go to the hospital recently because my insides hurt. It was all clear. Came back clear. He said it was probably a muscle. I rolled with it. For sure thought I was dying.
I'm riding it out. He was worried about the asteroid this morning. I'm praying for it. He's like, is this thing going to fucking hit us or not? I'm like, dude, what are you doing in your room, man? This is brutal conversation at fucking 9 a.m.
Yeah.
Dude, buddy. We're in bad shape right now.
It's for hot dudes only.
I think he has to get them up. I know, but... But he grabs her ass.
Get out of there. He gets her on the turn.
So it's not even like the push. It's like he's guiding her. He guides her in. And then he fucking...
Yeah. He gives you a little hoink.
I'm pretty sure that guy was not straight, though.
Asian male flight attendant, if we're being precise.
Oh, man, we were just talking about that. It's the funniest thing to ever happen in the world. So fucked up. Something Wong. What was the third one?
I thought the toilet was broken. Because we got all the guys like, it's not really flushing right. And we were in the front row. So I'm like, god damn, it fucking smells like shit. I'm like, if this is the whole flight, I'm going to fucking. This fucking airline is falling apart, man. Dude, then we get down here. We're out front of the mothership. This is like last year.
We're out front of the mothership. We see people like, yo, are you garbage? So we're like talking to them. Smells like sewage out there. I just think that's 6th Street. You know what I mean? And it's just like a fucking three weeks after mothership opened. We're sitting at the bar having a beer before our spots. And I'm like, the plumbing in this place too? What the fuck?
The three places I had been with them in a row. I'm like, the sewage. God damn. And he goes, you smell that? I go, how the fuck can't you? He's like, that's me. And I was like. And then he's like, do you think the van smelled that? I was like, for sure. I had a septic tank put in me. The only good thing is no one would ever think that's human. So, like, no one's ever going to go, that's Foley.
They're like, there's a sewer main broken.
The kid we had host the show, the pop-up show at the Creek was doing street fucking Ozempic. He gets it from, like, a guy.
Someone got some bad meat in their bag or something?
It's like I pay my taxes type shit, really. It gets you in the fucking gut.
That was like when you were coming off of two weeks in fucking Greece, so you were eating like a fucking maniac. When he would stay on top of it, it was a little...
better but when like on the road it was just we'd be in a minivan and you're like dude we got to pull over it smells like one of those old cars that smells like sulfur you know the farts were even worse what you wouldn't know what it was crazy it was and they were like long and hot and just
He shit his pants on the tour bus.
Went up to a machine keeping you alive. Fighting with a mask on.
You've got your own fan for sure.
Here we are again.
Are any of the burps and farts featured in this?
We have him shitting his pants on like five different cameras.
Were you Velveeta or Crash growing up?
My stepmom introduced me to it and it was like, I looked at my mom. I'm like, you got to pick it the fuck up. You are. I'm about to move into dad's house for good. I will leave you too.
oh just turn it off right away oh shut it off one dude we were looking for porn at my buddy's house one time or weed or something we were looking for something that a 13 year old's looking for yeah and we were going through and we looked at my one buddy was looking under the bed dude it pulled out a like a shop like one of those like plastic shopping bags just full of dildos and like whips and chains like dude what is this and there was like five of us were like ah put that back put that back like
God damn, dude. Why do you have us going under your mom's bed? This is crazy. What did you expect us to find?
I mean, yeah.
I used to work in the photo department at a supermarket. Pretty cool guy at the time. You know what I mean? And that was any time a girl would drop off film, you were really hoping there was naked pictures on there.
Nope, not once.
Like how you guys just threw it in neutral real quick.
It's fucking somewhere. My boy's dad. My boy's dad owned a bunch of independent, not like a chain, not like West Coast. It was just like Epic Video or whatever.
But then Blockbuster came in and he had to close up. But he kept all the porn from like five locations. And it was all in the basement. And for years, we had no idea. We'd go over there for years.
that's everything we're down the basement and it's just wall-to-wall boxes my buddy like fall as i gotta have a movie like falls into one and it just like spills out all over these like like that whole box is porn he's like these are all porn imagine we do we rob the shit out of them yeah imagine that you're spending the whole summer jerking off to southern living and you got the fucking fucking mecca treasure of sierra madrid downstairs gazungas three and lust at sea we took
What was it? Gazunga's 3, and the other one was Lust at Sea, and Lust at Sea made the rounds.
Yeah. Stuck didn't, I thought Stuck was going to have a moment. I thought that was goofy. And it didn't.
A hard working. Then I'd have a Hummer. A military one. Before they switched over. The one that Schwarzenegger had. I was just going to say. The one where you pull up with the butt of a cigar lid. Sorry, you already done a lot of work that day.
One of those, a chain townhouse with the boys. Have the boys down there. By patio house.
You don't die in there. Your turtle does.
I also got a piss guy. Yeah, you get someone to piss for you. I got a piss guy. What's his name made it through? Man, this guy's pretty bulletproof. Who was the kid from the Dolphins? Ricky Williams. Yes.
He got pinched a couple of times, but still.
When he said he couldn't. He's like, I couldn't have played those games and done that well if I wasn't smoking weed.
I would do a team sweatsuit. Team sweatsuit. Travis Kelsey showing up in that Saturday Night Fever outfit.
Can you fucking, can you sex me up? I need some chomper.
If I got the cash, hopefully the metal takes on my mouth.
I am the third eye raven.
Hey, doc, I can see the future. Is that normal? Yeah, he's like, I go...
Wait, what do you mean the back of the head you got sliced?
I see, but that's not bad. How far out of surgery? That was like a week after surgery. That's pretty good.
It's funny, the beginning of the game, I was like – But then by the end, I'm like, all right. He grew on me, man. He's not bad. Lose the watch. Come on. We know you're right. The watch. I mean, it's crazy. He wants to flex.
Wear a rug.
Was that ever an option? For me? Hey, would you ever wear a piece?
If you went that route, you would have had to become like a fucking, you know, like a fitness coach for like a high school team or something.
White socks halfway up the ankle.
Didn't have the technology.
Yeah, he goes, don't take his helmet off. You got the cash. You got the muscles. It didn't matter. You go do rag. True.
You have to have a champ guy somewhere. He's having a bit of a resurgence. Yeah. Gotta have a jeweler somewhere. Yeah. Do you remember Jacob the Jeweler? Yeah.
But she grew on me, too. In the beginning, I'm like, these two fucking bozos.
My freshman year- Their shops were never nice, though. Isn't that weird?
But his original one. Remember, I've seen his original one. It was like upstairs. If I'm thinking of the same guy. I don't know. It was like a regular thing, and he had like $5 million pieces. You don't got a window or nothing like that?
He said he's not going to play second fiddle to Brady. But doesn't Brady have a piece of the Raiders now?
Yeah, I went to University of Arizona. Oh, okay. That's pretty good. Yeah, I mean, when you guys were in high school, he's taking off to Yale. You go to the University of Arizona.
His grades were that good? Because there's no scholarships, no flight scholarships.
I went to Arizona.
I've always been petrified of UNLV. Why? Back in the 80s. The basketball team. Larry Johnson. They were fucking. Tarkanian. Tarkanian.
So can he still announce? I don't think so.
You were the scum of, you were looked down upon. Yes. This is sodas and coffee cups. Yes.
Dude, for real.
But there wouldn't be a goodbye.
Making it real awkward. Yeah. I'm making it worse. I feel like we should get out in front of this thing. You can't get out of the stadium. You're like dragging on locks. Yeah.
Are you wearing a chain during the game? If I'm in the NFL? Yes. Ah. Yeah, but it's Christian. Of course. What are we doing here? I can't believe more guys do that and that there's like an unwritten rule. The first thing I would do would be rip one of those off. Well, that was the Crabtree Richard Sherman thing. That was their beef.
That long hair. I'd be grabbing Kittle's hair.
It's allowed. It's part of the jury. It's considered part of the jury. But it's an unwritten rule. They don't. Usually. Cut your fucking hair.
I got a big thing about this because we were just talking about it. A little more subtle, I feel, baseball. You got training camp, then you got spring training. I'd much rather be at spring training. Oh, my God. Doesn't it seem like they're just having catches and getting steaks and massages and hanging out?
How you doing?
Down there at Eddie V's.
He doesn't have the sinker ball to be pulled at all.
good friends with Pete Davidson when he was like young and he was on while and out he spent his money on a Cuban link he's like I bought a I bought a pretty expensive Cuban link and it was like a fat thick one and you're like I respect it when we did our first sold out show at helium we wanted to take all the money and rent a helicopter to fly from New York to Philly
A walnut landing on a fucking roof on Walnut Street. There's something awesome about spending all the money. Like Shaq's first story. He's like, I spent all the money.
Yeah.
He's good in a suit, though.
It's drugs.
You get that kind of money? IVs. When you get to the IV game.
A doctor on the payroll coming in at night and putting you in night night. Have you had the shit that Michael Jackson died from? I think I might have.
Yeah, I might have had a little propofol. Propofol, that's what it is.
I just had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy.
My gastro guy is about 100 years old. The doctor that did my actual procedure was the hottest girl I've ever seen in my life. And I'm like, man, you're about to see.
I tried to play it cool when I came out. I had everything look. She was like, bleh.
It feels awesome. You feel... I fought it as hard as I could before they put me to sleep, too. As hard as I could just to get that little ride.
But I had an angiogram a couple years ago, and I think they used fentanyl, and this was a twilight sleep.
And like halfway through, I could feel the thing going on my arm. I had to tell the kid. I was like, what are you saving this for the weekend? Fucking Jew hit me. The fuck are we doing here?
Yeah, dude. In the middle of the procedure. Let's go.
Guys, he's still up. Is your boss here? What the fuck? I ain't no bubble gummer.
Jody, will you post up in here and watch a game?
He's like, shut the fuck up, man. Those two Christmases, though, not too shabby. No way. That's not a wrestling set and a PlayStation. Dude, that is a car and a house.
It was definitely an Eggo waffle involved in the morning. Yeah.
How much does a set of those cost, by the way?
The devil had to give you a stick at the crossroads.
How much is he in? For the Raiders? I think he's a minor owner. You still get to show up to the games and all that. You get free drinks and all that shit, right? Oh, my God. You own it. The swag.
He's like, oh, dude. I'm in sixth grade. That's where you get him, in the parking lot of a Dave Matthews. That's where you have to go. I think that's how Dave really made all of his money. You got to go down to Dover.
It's all right. You act like I'm not a white guy from Colorado? That thing kicks up. That and Crash. I don't care who you are. Rest of it, get me out of here.
Give it up for widespread Kevin, everybody.
Overconfident, devil sticks, summer camp, fat kid. That is a recipe for virginity. I'm going to tell you right now, that's a crash stew.
Swing and a miss.
It's weird. Push it. You're so not used to that.
Was it booze involved?
I got long fingernails and a beard, and I go, guys, lift me. Lift me out of my seat. Whenever anybody, like a comic, would get a writing job, like an SNL or on the Tonight Show, my first question, congratulations, that's awesome. They buy you lunch. Because that's where my head, the spread should be in there every day. That's if you got hired.
That's usually us, too. You need to prime the pump.
Prime the pump.
I'm not going to fucking get it back up here. I'm like two for ten at this point.
Man, I'm operating at a deficit right now.
i'll have that sometimes not to be too vulgar when i'm jerking off i'll miss it yeah does that make sense i'll like be like super charged up and i'll be right there and then something will happen dude and i'll just miss it and i'll know when you're like all right that happens in the shower you know what happened you're like this ain't happening young men you're sweating in the shower you're looking at the three of us going there's no way it'll ever happen to you then you hit your mid-30s and there's this one day you're in a hotel room and you're jerking off and you go
It's wacky over there. Fuck, you know what? I'm not into it anymore. But I remember the feeling like when you were a kid and you jerk off and then afterwards, you know, Irish cat, you feel the guilt. Oh. But it's so worse when you do it as an adult and then nothing in there. Like, it just comes and it goes. You're just like...
And they're just smashing into each other. Seeing Ruth and for me.
Those guys were just more men, I think, than we are as well, too. They also fought in wars and shit.
Yeah, we're getting lunch, right? Not where your office is. You're paying for lunch, you're a fucking dickhead. You're buying your own sodas at the stadium, you own 5% of the joints? Yeah. I'll work here, but I want two things, to meet Will Ferrell and free lunches.
That smoke session outside when you weren't around. What the fuck?
I like how he said Route 66, too. Route 66. Route. Route 66. Is it Detroit or Detroit? Detroit. Detroit. How do you say Oregon? Oregon. Oregon. Oregon. How do you say Illinois?
Caribbean. Multiple feet. Is it six foot or six feet? It's about six foot. Six feet. Six foot. That's good. Six feet. Yeah. Six feet. It's about six foot away.
hamburger patty hamburger patty hamburger patty were you a patty kid were you frozen patties in the in the freezer yeah crack them open with the with the butter knife my mom was pretty good at making them too my trish could cook so there wasn't uh could your mom make a decent hamburger when you were a kid yeah my mom it took my mom 30 years i know you're watching this trish so i'm gonna get a text about that trish
Otherwise, same backstory. Instead of comedy.
Really? Hire a guy.
I would roll it over into an IRA. If you mean money manager as in coke guy, I'm with you.
I'm serious.
Definitely getting a chain made.
Yeah, you're a back story. Everything's the same. I would. You went to Penn State, and you were an awesome lineman. Also, glue guy in the locker room.
Route 66. Just walked out of our last editing session. Oh, are you guys happy with it? Nope.
You're currently driving a 96 Corolla. Yeah. I got a 96 Dodge Stratus, which is what I had. Okay. White Dodge Stratus.
Were you stripping?
Dude, you watch it so many times. We figured out the intro. We weren't happy with the intro. Because we did, like, a voiceover, like, you know, guys, welcome to the Route 66 tour.
But wait, if the signing bonus is two million, what's the contract looking like? I mean, I don't know.
Are you buying this house in the city you're playing, or are you keeping it in her hometown? Hometown. So you're going to go back? Need my roots. Okay. Got to stay level-headed. All this money coming in. All this pussy getting through.
I feel like a lot of these guys, they have a good head on their shoulders. They know the girl loves them for them. They want to be a part of the team and shit like that. You know what I mean? They hang on to that. They're all cheating, but still.
But that kid moves tickets. He's a fucking natural showman. I heard he just added a second show in Pittsburgh. Dude, he has got it.
Yeah, that's the cat. Also, it has to be the year you would have graduated. So for me, it would have been 94. Man, I'd have been hanging. I'd have been down at the fucking Viper Room with Johnny Depp spiking up.
Whoa.
I probably, at that time, would have gotten a Camry and just murdered it out. Like rims. They were so great back then. Toyota Camry. The 96 Camry. That's the wackiest shit.
Yeah.
I'd scoop one of those.
Yeah. Love a good Malbec. Love a good Malbec. That's true.
Yeah, why not? Really? I love it, yeah. That's a man.
That's a long week.
Almost got thrown out of Three Forks down there. That steakhouse. Nice steakhouse. Embarrassing ourselves. We went day drinking at noon.
You're going to die in an Uber pool on the way home.
We did. We were just embarrassing. We were not dressed properly. We were drunk as shit. We were yelling at each other for what we ordered. Yeah. And it was just a scene. Yeah, but no, it was. Maynard, he didn't think so.
We were at a regular square four-top or whatever, and we ordered so many appetizers that they flipped the Leafs out underneath us.
He's like, I'm good.
Yeah, and I was in the aisle. Oh.
It was bad. I love the Leaf. But we're still drinking. We're off the heaters, though.
Cigarettes are fucking, that's bad stuff. Yeah, the coolest thing in the world.
Yeah. Eh, cocaine's pretty tough, to be honest with you.
Eh, I would argue against that, too.
What are you doing?
It's a curtain.
Ooh. Sure. We don't have to test a cigarette for fentanyl. I always had the idea, though, back in the day, if I did it, I would wait 10 seconds, and I'd be like, well, if something was in it, you'd already be dead.
Yeah, but I'm just saying, after the first 10 seconds, you're like, I'd be dead already.
I like how you said you weren't going to do it, but did you test it? A little window shopping. It's not a check spot for the checks.
Really? They're longer, though. They kind of like do them at the end and like a few people kind of eat them a little bit. Yeah, I think they do like four or five minute sets after when the checks get dropped. I was always petrified of him. I never really did him. Tommy Cassidy, when he first got up here, he was a fucking machine with them. He'd do them at Stand Up New York and murder.
Yeah. Get like two or three people that everybody close out the checks. You'd kind of gather the audience back a little bit.
What are we doing? You're here to see that guy, and you're going to hurt his performance? That would always fascinate me, like, watching, like, you know, back in the day, watching, like, oh, they're killing, they're killing. And then they'd get to it, and they'd be like, oh, the checks. And then they would kind of, like...
They'd drop down like a speed in their set, and then they'd fucking come right back and be killing them. Like, holy shit. Yeah. That's awesome. Take a credit card. What are we doing? I know. Exactly.
By the way, was that an old clip of that lady yelling at you that you posted recently? On Twitter? No, she was yelling at you at that New York comedy club.
Now they're booing her. That's a great feeling, isn't it? I know.
Yeah. Oh, thanks.
I had that not long ago and did not put any comedy into it at all. I kind of like was just like, what the fuck? Yeah, because it was it was a rough show. There was a table of four that was there that was causing a lot of trouble. And the host came out was like, hey, there's this table up front, really rough. They got them out. And then I got up there and like the crowd wanted to laugh.
Like, I think Eagle went on before me. He got them back and ready to go. All that stuff. Yeah. And then these two like college girls to the right were just whispering the whole time. And I was just like, what the fuck? I'm like, we just got this nightmare out of you. Yeah. And you're doing this. I'm like, who the fuck raised you? Yes. And before that, I was doing like a fat guy mayonnaise joke.
What the fuck is this guy talking about? You're stepping all over my cerebral bits. It was a pin drop.
did they throw those girls out no i kind of smoothed it over okay nice actually some some lady in the audience smoothed it over and brought everybody together hell yeah and then i apologized to them and i'm like i just want you to understand whatever having a rough day and fucking walk in this bullshit but yeah they just stared at me like what damn which is the worst when then all of a sudden you're the asshole exactly exactly you know but i didn't get the crowd on my side
Sure. But also, too, the raw emotion of it. You're a fucking human being. Yeah, I got feelings, too.
That's funny. Why does the club send that?
It was a joke. My husband's an alligator. Yeah. That's not true. He's in prison.
Go to the parade. In any facet of anything, okay, I don't know what it would take for me to send like a customer service email. I don't know what they would have to do to me in any facet of life for me to send this strongly worded email.
Did you get rid of them the next day?
It's crazy to actually write something. But restaurants, I will give you that. I walk in and get a bad crab rangoon, I'm going to be fucking furious.
Stay in nice hotels. I'm not on trial here. This guy bombed in Rhode Island. That was years ago.
Get up and start doing the bits here.
Yeah. Wait till you get to Reno. We do half hours, but I know what you're talking about.
That was night one of the road. I know. That movie saved my life. Mixed reviews. Just so you know, I would have gave it a GoFundMe. How about that? It's not real nice. I don't know. Not anonymous. I don't know how to brag about it.
Like Hannibal Lecter.
Yeah, something garbage.
Yeah, you guys are killing it. We have some questions for y'all.
Whoa, okay. On YouTube? On YouTube. Check it out, man. Have you ever bombed in Rhode Island?
And the lady in the parking lot, same thing.
Yes. You're filming yourself.
I think about that all the time. We were on a flight with Susan Lucci. Whoa. Mama. Let me tell you something. 78 years old. Really? I would have made a move right there in the aisle.
That's about you.
We're going to start doing that.
A sauna. Yeah. That's crazy. There's guys that do it now that are like, I don't know why they're doing it, but they'll be in front of a business, and they'll be filming the business. And they're also baiting the owner to come out and be like, hey, man, what are you doing? Public property. I'm filming. Don't touch me. And the guy touches his camera, and he fucking pepper sprays him.
It's like, what the fuck? Holy shit.
But if that would have crashed, though, they wouldn't have said nothing about us. Looks good. Looking real good. Sweetheart, too.
Damn, they always bust this guy's chops, man.
I bet you still got in the tank, too. I wouldn't want to fuck with him. No.
Yeah.
You talked to her? I said, you can go ahead. And she's like, oh, thank you so much.
Yeah.
Look at these guys. He's a good-looking older guy now. All of them are good-looking. Oh, my God. These guys must have toured through. Baldwin Young was a different kind of good-looking. Yes. He looks like two different people. He's a good-looking dude now. Right. But back then, holy shit. Oh, those are the Coke years. Foley bought a few off that guy. No test strips back then.
Good times. Could have been Jack Ryan for those other two movies. Yeah, he was Jack Ryan in one, right? Yeah, he was on for an October. Yeah, yeah.
He was a hot guy. It's crazy.
Always be closing. Today's man, suit on, still making it work. Hey, Bill Burr in Glen Gary. Yeah? We got to go see that, man. Oh, yeah. Pretty cool.
passed them by at the cellar once or twice but that's about it his episode on here is one of my faves we got i mean i want to get him back but it's hard to ask a broadway actor to come in he's got one day off now totally acting wise he was in the first season of the mandalorian he was great in it then came back for the second season man his episode he's unbelievable really oh so good if you would have told him 20 years ago he'd be in star wars he would have kicked in the balls yeah
Yeah, we do.
Somebody gave it to us at a show. Migs Mayfield. Great. Oh, yeah. Migger, please.
But Billy's a hunk. 1976, Long Island. Man.
Tag teaming chicks. High fives all around. They had to be the best looking guys in Long Island.
That guy's getting ass because of his music.
You know what's funny is sometimes when you're out on Long Island, you see, you know, like they had such a big music scene in the 80s where like the hair bands that didn't make it out but still made a killing out there and like played locally. Oh, yeah. You see some of those guys now in like their 60s.
And they still have the hair, and you're like, oh, you were a fucking bass player for fucking White Lotus or something like that in 1985.
We're not going to take it. Was there a big MTV hit? We're not going to take it. And had the guy from Animal House in it, Niedermeyer. He was like the mean guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That's crazy, man. That's scary. Crazy. You could have been dead.
Or saxophone duel. Yeah. I feel like that's coming back a little bit, by the way. Duels? The horns. Oh, hell yeah. Not that they're in popular music. I think they're coming back. The sax specifically.
One of the drivers falling asleep. I need a little twisted sister on the road, dude.
Because, I mean, you guys experience this more. But the first night on the bus or something like that when you don't really know the driver. Yep. Oh, no, no.
They're always packed out, though.
This place is bumping.
What's the place on the corner across the street from Ben's? Oh, yeah. The Groove, yeah. It does all right. Yeah, you want to film a special there, you mean?
Yeah, that's a lot of effort, man. Spreading your cheeks and all that stuff. It's like, dude, just roll with it.
A hover?
Not saran wrap. What do you call it? The paper? Yeah. The ring? I can't do it. I need the cheeks to catch.
I'll flush the toilet. Yeah. I'll take the toilet paper, do a little dab of the water in the toilet, and then wipe off the seat.
See? You're not in good company. What are you talking about?
You could do it on the way in.
Yeah, that's not the classy move of that. That's pretty gross. And plus, that also means you're used to fucking squatting and shitting, which isn't great. Yeah, the squatting shouldn't thing.
It's just elevation, right?
That's how your colon or whatever is shaped. You're the guy in black and white on the infomercial standing on two telephones.
Yeah. Did you report this to the company or anything like that?
I didn't realize there was levels to them. There's heights to them.
Yeah, I felt like a Russian astronaut.
Yeah.
Do you do that to line up the spine? I do. I do it just so I need the comfort. One between my knees and I hug one.
I know.
Yeah, what are we doing? I know what he's saying. When I get into bed and the comforter is fresh and the sheets are fresh, I have audible. Yeah. And then I lift the blanket up and put the comforter between my legs.
That's a rite of passage.
Yeah. I didn't know. I didn't see me for white trash. I did raw hot dogs. I did dog food. I did dirt. And I did my mom's roll-on deodorant. Which was weird.
Yeah, I would lick it. I would lick my mom's roll of deodorant.
But he had blood on him or nothing like that. You could have straightened the guy out.
What flavor deodorant are we talking about? Does it matter?
Because it was like, it was that baby powdered flavor. I don't know why I would do it.
Yeah. I would also, anytime there was a bottle of cough medicine around, I would grab it and chug it. My mom would freak out.
It's an antibiotic. Yes.
Yeah.
Crazy shit, dude. This is my girl right here. Was she eating that?
I don't think that's right. I think that's just like doing that for the video. The only one that's good is you go to a diner, you get a pat of butter that's in the foil. They take a fork and poke it in there, and then you squeeze that, and it comes out like Play-Doh. That's kind of cool. Take that to the bank. Like a baked potato or something?
No. What? Are you writing these as these are going?
100%.
It's great.
That's one of the things that we're lucky with. We weren't headliners before we did this. You know, I was hosting in the city. He was doing road work. So we were able to have the experience off rip where we were going out with somebody. And I feel like everybody's doing that now more so than ever. Like, you know, Gary, everybody's taking the boys, all that kind of stuff, and everybody's together.
It makes it so much better. It makes the road bearable. Like an 80s headliner.
Sure.
Sure.
Like, in the last, like, 10 years. Yeah, yeah. Less than that, probably.
U2, All the Boys. It's crazy to see.
It's insane. So when Kill Tony was at the Garden, we went and watched, and it was just like, is this nuts?
sold out shows at the goddamn garden and they were showing videos of like you know the history starting out in the basement of wherever they were yeah it's crazy it's great to see I saw Shane working out his SNL monologue last night and it's fun to watch of course the second I'm hosting and then
It'll be out.
We had him, O'Connor, and Pope do spots on a pop-up show we did at the Creek. Man, he goes out there and fucking.
A gadouge. Yeah. Murdering. It's fun.
I bet him once again, not indirectly, but made a fool of myself. I was hosting for Keith at Helium, maybe, like, 2018 or whatever. Keith was running his hour. And he's like, listen, Gavin might come in. If he comes in...
you know I'll give you the signal you come up get me and bring him up and they never came back they came in but they never came like back to the green room so like Keith got to a certain point in his set and like looked at me like are we good are we good and then he goes give it up for Kevin Hart nothing didn't come up and it was just like this awkward 30 seconds and then Kevin Hart came through the crowd and jumped up on stage man Keith gave it to me in the fucking green room he's like the last thing you said was you got it laughing
Exactly.
What did he do? When the Punchline opened, he did like, what, like 20 shows in a row.
Yes. Oh, yeah.
No shit. If anybody can pull it off, it's Cooper. Love a Coop. Shout out to him.
Yeah, I waited on him probably 2016. I worked at this place on the corner of Bedford and Morton, which was like kind of a who's who of a neighborhood. Like Sofia Coppa lived down the street. That's when Louie lived there. Maybe it was a little earlier. It was when Louie was filming Louie. Wow. And I would see him walking his kids to school, liking the show. Wow.
And then, like, two days later, you would see him filming Louie on the street. Wow. Same clothes, same glasses, the whole nine yards. It was surreal. But it was one snowy day, and I was in there by myself, fucking sure as shit. He comes rolling in. And he sat down at the bar. I got him an oatmeal and a mint tea, and we were talking. He went to a high school. We're about the same age.
He went to, like, a private school right in my area. So we knew a couple of the same people.
And we were talking a little bit. I remember like, hey, do you know so-and-so? He's a lacrosse player. And I remember looking at him and he goes, you play lacrosse? That was the goal.
He's a real renaissance, man. Also, I think he was just a camera operator on some movie. He was working a movie. What? He was a camera op on a movie. Really?
What was he doing a benefit for?
Okay.
He killed it in the announcement on the fucking Super Bowl. Oh, yeah. Bringing out the birds. He was great. Go, birds. You guys must be fucking thrilled about that.
That's as close as a Philadelphia team can manage. They sacked him five times. They fucking stripped him, knocked him in the face. Kelsey didn't do shit. I fucking loved it. Hell, yeah. Nothing against them personally, but that was great. No, it's personal. Do you hate Travis and love Jason? I don't hate them.
I mean, he's an awesome tight end. Yeah. Yeah, I hate that motherfucker. I was waiting for it.
It's always the stories you hear, too. Maybe they're not that famous. I said no at first, and they had to really come and beg me to do it, and I decided to do it. Yeah. It's like, I did you. Did you? I know. Exactly. Some of those guys at that level, maybe. Yeah, no, it's true. But... Yeah, he was like making shoes or something like that. Dee Snider.
That first one was a home run. That was a heat check.
I'm going to be a gigolo twice. Tim Meadows was in that, too, wasn't he? I don't remember. What isn't he in? Yeah, I think Tim Meadows was like his guide in that in the beginning. He's fucking great. Yeah. The ladies' man. Yeah. Yes. Maybe that's what I'm thinking of.
Oh, yeah.
Nice. Who, Rock?
Did she smell what the rock was cooking? Did you drag her around? Like, where is he? Point me out.
You've got to get a confession, man. Not at all. You've got to bring Detective Benson in for that one. Plus, that pepper spray's hit or miss. It could just piss somebody off. Mmm. Bear spray.
We had a kid do it in high school in the stairwell. Yeah. It fucking fucked up everybody.
Don't test it. Is that gel? I like a pomade myself. A gel?
No mist.
I'm writing an email. That's it. I knew this was a bad idea. One star.
Does it smell like peppers?
How bad is this shit? Stuffed?
Yeah, I'm not getting it either. All right. It's like an aerosol hairspray kind of thing. I'm getting a little lightheaded. Yeah.
Yeah. All right, we're fine. I had a piece of granola caught in my throat last night. Oh, that'll get you. Oh, man. Damn. I do love some granola, though, man. A little yogi with a little bit of honey.
You'll drive?
You know, I have a trick for Chobani. If you're Chobani people out there. Sure. Throw it out and get a sandwich. Hey, it's good. Take that, Rhode Island. Shake it up. Before you open it, you don't stir it. Shake it up and then open it. And it's all mixed in. Oh. Go ahead. Try it out on the road.
He's asking the fancy peanut butter.
I don't have peanut butter in the house, but yeah, I wouldn't buy that. Really?
I'm a big peanut butter guy.
I eat it by the spoonful. Me too. I do a peanut butter spray.
You do peanut butter. You caught it? I caught it.
You do peanut butter by the spoonful. I love it. You don't do that?
I don't know. There's no tobacco in them. I've been on them, but they're fucking my mouth up.
I love Nutella.
I bet he was a bit of a hazelnut.
Oh. Maybe. Nudella. The co-creator of Nutella. Died February 13th.
That's a legacy.
Someone's going to be real happy when he gets back home.
She's coming next. Speaking of Taffer, he's not doing the shows that much anymore. He subs them out. It's some other bozo. What? Yeah, the guy's not even wearing a bad blazer. Guest host? Somebody.
I love Taffer.
He just makes you want to go to a casual dining restaurant, get the signature cocktail, some potato skins, and just sit down and drink and get fucked up.
Yeah. She's always in a bad mood. They always got like loops in and the hair and stuff like that. Their names are always in there. None of that bullshit works at a busy restaurant on a Friday night. Get out. Get out of here.
You fucking idiot. 20 bags of stepped-on Coke. That's how this bar's going to survive.
Find the other ones. The guy who's like, you know, just wait. What I want to know is who was such a dick to Gordon Ramsay? Right.
It's funny, he's so tough, but he makes the most delicate eggs.
Should we plug some dates you guys got coming up? We got the Route 66 special out now. Yeah, go check that out.
Funny you mention that.
Hell yeah.
One of the best clubs. I love all those good. Charlotte Comedy Zone, Killbox.
Bert's guy will not drive that. I'm always so tempted to say yes just to see what goes on in there. No one's ever asked you if you were Jewish. Yeah, they do. Around Hanukkah, the kids come up to you in the park and they say you're Jewish. That's a lot of rugelach. I always don't know. You got a kishkin. There I am. I'll tell you that. Yeah. Holy shit. That's wild, man.
Thank you so much.
I don't think they want the backlash.
Dude, it's crazy. That's the point. It's all low-rent shit, too. It's not like the engine blew up. It's like a tire. Right. The hubcaps came off or something like that.
Yeah, he got lucky. Yeah, he got lucky as shit.
Yeah, it was flying, allergic to spiders, got bit by a stowaway tarantula. Yikes.
A tarantula?
God fucking spiders. It was from Australia or something.
I don't know. Got in the cockpit and bit him. Yeah. No superpowers either. I got screwed. Iberia. Now, who the fuck is flying that? Yikes. Me and the bird went to Greece last year. Hell yeah. And we flew into Athens. Now, you could either take an eight-hour ferry from Athens to Santorini, or you can take one of their local, small, mom-and-pop airlines. Oh, boy.
Took the fucking ferry. Me too. I did the exact same trip. Fuck that. Really? Yeah. Eight-hour ferry.
We got a room. We got a room. And they weren't any better. Yeah, that was rough. I could see that thing tipping over. But I wasn't flying one of those planes in the Santorini. Really? Fuck that shit. A little puddle jumper? No. What? A propeller? Ryan Hamilton's got the great jet power to get me off the ground.
What? I live here. He's a guy who got hit by a bus.
It was a shuttle too, wasn't it? Wasn't it like an airport shuttle or something like that?
You got the scary thing out of the way. That's what they say. You have a better chance of getting in an accident coming home from the airport.
Did your parents force that into you when you were a kid? Don't ever dive into a pool no matter what. My mom scared the shit out of us.
Some say it wasn't the hot tub, it was the ketamine, but I see where you're going. It's a bad combo, though. If he was drinking coffee, I think he'd be all right.
We got to ban these tubs.
Do you guys think about that on the road, like when you're in a hotel, like, oh, if I go in here, they'll come in and get me?
Usually one of us will be down there scouting it out. I already got eyes on it. It sucks.
Don't say that.
I don't like the word angel. Demon of death.
Yeah.
Angel of death makes it sound like a good pool player or something like that. Good with the stick. Versus the black widow. How did he end up in a pool after he got caught?
No shit. He fled. He's down in Argentina, probably. Oh, yeah. Sipping the Malbecs. Mm-hmm. No way Hitler didn't get out.