Hans Kim

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.

I love giantess porn.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

You see his cum gutters? Those are pretty nice.

That's a crunch wrap right there.

Hey.

What's up? It's good to be here, thank you, sir. I am Hans Kim, and I am Asian, or as I'm known in Texas, I'm Chinese. So there will be 145% tariff added to your bill tonight. Take a good look at this shirt, you're gonna have to make it soon. Love seeing Trump do optional side quests for no reason. It's like watching a cat play Oregon Trail. He's trying to get a mineral deal out of Ukraine.

What is this guy, Cam Patterson? I'm not retarded, but I want your rocks. I blame the Democrats. Why would you send a woman out against Trump? This guy grabs women by the pussy. He's got a finishing move. He's 2-0 against women right now. He's the best transgender athlete we have. All right, that's my time. Thank you very much.

Yeah, good to be back, you fuckers. Whoa, geez, got a little attitude to him. Don't know if I like that. No, I'm just kidding. We know. Tell us about your life, Hans.

Been domesticated. Yes. I have a cat stroller now. You have a what? I have a stroller for my two cats. Oh, my God.

Raising them like veal. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, my girlfriend, she has a couple friends that can't take care of the cats, so they gave them to her.

Yeah, used cats.

They're very nice. They're great cats. One's fat and old. It's like a dog. It's kind of dumb.

Yeah, but it's like every creature dreams of freedom, you know?

I feel like that's content, you know? It's like, you know? Breaking news.

I hung out with Heath yesterday. We got drunk. Heath Cordes. We love Heath Cordes around here.

Yeah, he drinks a lot of alcohol.

It was jello shots last night, which is weird, doing jello shots with someone that looks like a child. Yeah.

He's a good guy.

Yeah, I put him in a Waymo, which is cool.

Wow. Does anyone call you Tord?

325? What are you talking about?

6'3". 6'3".

One. One.

You really are Italian.

Don't talk. We're close. All right. One of them's going to break, and you're going to get a kiss. Typical auctioneer problems. Going once. I've made eyes with a couple girls that are clearly considering it. You've got a chance. Now you've just got to wait them out.

Oh, come on. Vinny, you nasty fuck, dude. You think one of these girls was going to be into you? They're going to do it.

They're going to do it for fun.

No, Vinster, Vinster. Don't lie to me, Vinster. I'm not going to take the lowest rung of shit. Why are we talking about this woman like this? Yeah. She was nice enough to come up here. She saved you from... It was sad when no one would kiss you. Literally, nobody wanted to kiss you. This woman came out of nowhere to save you. Goddamn, man.

Beat it, Vinny. Get the fuck out of here. Nasty motherfucker.

Yeah. Drink it. Sue him. Drink it. Drink it.

I'll represent you.

We're going to take this fucking thing for all it's worth. Eat the fucking glass.

All right. Yeah.

It's just your teeth.

And the wrinkles.

I thought it was going to be somewhere greasy.

I was being nice to you.

Welcome to Barstool's Kill Tony. Well, the Packers are here. Actually, when does this come out? Monday? The Monday after. So this will come out when Notre Dame's playing? Damn, think about it. Right now, Notre Dame's lifting a national title.

So sick, dude. Can't believe we did it, dude. He's back. There he is.

D, you got to talk to whoever's dressing you. You got to have a chat. Because they're not telling you what that looks like.

That's all right, man. Come on, man. That's what I do.

One of the best on the biz. Got your ass, dude. There's nothing you can do about it.

Spiders are scary, bro.

There we go. Cheers, guys. Thank you. If they would have heard your set, they would have liked it. It was funny.

There he goes.

Mental health! Yeah, what are you clapping for? It's a landmine. Somebody's going to be like, oh, I have a nice black, my doctor's black. Yeah. And they're going to get in there and be, this guy is going to be crazy.

You just bought yourself another month, red band. Staying alive, dog. What's up?

He couldn't handle the success of one good joke. What? Unbelievable reference.

Remind us, you have somewhat of a speaking- I think I was on this episode and he said nothing, right? Yeah, yeah.

You dropped it on your own head?

Trying to hold it above your head?

You're clearly gay.

You and your uncle were bowling. What happened?

Just claim autism. You think that's crazy? Claim autism. Avoid all this gay fucking bullshit. Just go, yeah, I'm retarded. I'm not gay.

Gotta be.

Probably. Yeah, how were you talking before this incident? I don't remember.

You two queens. He's going to scratch you. Don't say I'm gay.

See, now you could tell them. You could say, I'm a gay retard. Oh yeah, you should do that. Good luck firing me now. Yeah. You let your pride get in the way of a juicy lawsuit.

You're right, you're right. Shit, I might be gay.

Your lawyer's going to go, Your Honor.

You did good. That was funny. No, you did good. We're just making fun of you for being good. But you were funny. The sad... Sweet kid.

Kim, Kim. Why don't they make the plane out of the black box? I don't know. You ever think about that? I don't know. He's too young. He would never have heard that.

Fucking literally scraping the bottom of the barrel. We need Cam. Somebody's got to put these fires out. I'm here to help. Where's Cam?

The jokes, we'll find them. It did.

The point, because I was in direct eyeline of you pointing at the Mexican guy. You called him fat. He literally was like, Oh, fuck, dude. I'm the only one trying to help you.

Yeah. He's hanging on by a thread. Oh, my God. That would be the... All he does is press fucking bird buttons.

He got you.

Wait, you had Mexicans calling you Beaner?

You son of a bitch. But you're Mr. Bean?

Bean's great. Mr. Bean's nice. Yeah, Mr. Bean's funny. Mr. Bean's hilarious.

Do you actually crawl in the computers? Do they send you in the desktops to fit? Do you eat the computers, you motherfucker? No, mine was one of your bitches. I know.

Does anyone want to bet? He's trying to yell out and say I'm taller.

It'd be like a fucking 12-round flyweight. It'd be like a classic if you guys fought. Yeah.

Is your, half white, is your Jewish, is your Jewish mom still around? No, she's never been around. Really? No. She's not Jewish. This is so backwards. Oh, she's not Jewish.

Yeah, two years old. No, you guys are lying. Was she actually a Jewish woman?

All right, I missed that part. I'm sorry.

Okay. No, we're asking about your mom. Yeah.

Right, right. And then she kept partying. Yes. To this day. Oh, she's still partying.

Sounds like it's not really a fun party. It's one of those heroin. Right.

Sounds like it's a scary party, yeah.

That's all right.

How much sweet guys.

Yes, please.

I swear to God, you see how slow it was at first? They didn't like it? Oh, no, no. Because of the earring in your ear and your hair.

You had a name called Line Em?

Yeah, a lot of marquees.

Oh, okay. Did your parents give you that, or did you do that one?

How's it feel? Where the fuck were you and Drama King hanging out? You know... Where were you, Drama King? Were you at his apartment? Did he bring you... Did you guys kiss? Let me show you where I'm gonna put the hot tub later.

That's where all the lovemaking happens, Drama King.

What else happened, though, after that? What did you guys talk about?

Wow.

Wow. Drama king. That's too many trips.

I don't know what that was.

Nope, we're not editing that out. We're going to keep that one in. Red Band, Disgusting, Drama King, we all apologize. Sweet, sweet Drama King. All right.

I'm going to bring it up five more times so you cannot edit it. Only Red Band. Red Band pressed a fucking monkey sound effect. Red Band. Here, where are we at time-wise? Edit this out. No, I'm going to bring it up. But Red Band literally pressed a fucking monkey sound effect for one second and caught himself. But it was just enough. You just heard that...

Fire it up. Oh, you're too big now? You're too good?

Are you always this shaky, or is it just... Yes. Yeah? All right.

It's a hip hop comedy show.

You're 60? You're fucking 60? Wow.

Whatever.

That blonde girl is supposed to get me a drink, too, bro. Yeah.

It's the opposite of sex.

What do you mean?

Play the monkey right there.

So I'm trying to promote the... Your new product is a word. You've invented a word.

Red Band's back. He's going to blow it. He's back. But he's back. He's back. Give him a minute. He will blow it.

What are you talking about? What do you have, a burp fetish? Well, Mark burped in her face. And then I think you were riffing. You didn't plan on burping right away, did you?

Hold on, I have a question. I'm sorry. Did you honestly plan on doing burp material?

Oh, okay, yeah.

Did Mark burp as soon as she got on stage? She burped. She did. That was you the whole time? Yeah. Oh, you mutant. Sorry, I was defending her. That's on me.

Some random black guy. One of the band members is going to knock him out.

Hey, that's pretty funny. All right, cut her off. Oh, my God. All right. All right, perfect.

That is the funniest thing you could have done.

There's going to be bigger opportunities. Oh, yeah. Trust me, dude. The burp queen. Yeah. She's going to link up with the drama king. Yeah. Yep.

A joke. Mark's from the fucking 20s.

I love it.

Yeah, I have seen a dick. Wait, that's not how it starts. Hold on. I'm sitting with five of them.

I'm telling you, you missed out on a star. Yeah. It should have been a gold ticket. That was a superstar.

My fucking career's starting at the bottom, dude. You should walk in the room first and go, I'm cured. It's me, Aaron. I'm totally fine.

They're strapped in the back of a van.

I like those accents. Yeah.

Did they do that in Estonia? Like wear the flag and they're like, yeah.

You know, you guys participated in some wild moves.

You forgot I know history, you little nasty fuck.

I have not heard of a thief like that. Both ways, Nazis and Soviets, you little snake fuck. We did. I know all about your nasty little people. Yeah, look at you. Get it where you fit it, you nasty fuck.

Welcome back. Perfect place to have it. Yeah.

That's what airports are for.

Look at the Jews turning on each other. I don't know what to do.

That is quite an Iron Dome you got here. For real, though, you guys shouldn't free Palestine.

It's done!

Unfortunate timing on that anti-Semitism. Yeah, yeah. We were just getting after it. It's a great joke. It could have been better, but the whole room was kind of like, all right. Might be going a little too far here.

Kirito, wow!

Okay, Austin, I see you! I just moved to Austin, and this place is amazingly terrifying. No, I've been scared since I got here. I ain't know nothing about this area. They gave me a ride. I said, where we going? They said, this 6th Street. I said, no, I know Gotham City when I see Gotham City. No, Sixth Street is dangerous out here. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else.

And then they tried to put me in a hotel on Sixth Street. I asked the dude in the front, I said, hey, is it safe here? He said, if you can fight, you gonna be all right. It's crazy. Oh, you guys are just so brave for sitting in the front. No, I'm just saying that because my last show I fell off the stage. Take out the whole front. I don't know why y'all laughing. The way my body built, I bounce.

Yeah.

I got $20 today.

If you're gonna pick a black city, at least pick mine. I'm from Chicago. Yeah!

I've been living here about four years now. Okay, what made you move to Austin four years ago? Y'all have good crack. No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. I don't know. No, I have family in Dallas, Houston. And San Antonio. And this was a central hub. I'm like, I can see everybody from here.

Oh, I do fraud. I mean... He's good. I didn't mean to say that out loud.

Yeah, I was like, would y'all not see my name?

Yes.

Did you say Big Mac or Big Back? Both would apply here. That's what my daughter calls me. I love it. Yeah, she remade Dora the Explorer song. I come in, she go, Big Back, Big Back. Everybody hide your snacks, it's Big Back Big.

A lot of stuff, but nothing. But listen. Yeah. I'm an author, and I actually brought books for y'all. I make adult, well, children's books for adults. You make what books for adults? Children's books for adults. Oh, I love this. Yeah, and I brought you guys some. Okay. Can y'all bring the books out? All right. Thank you.

Read the first page on Man, Fuck Them Kids.

I just lost 160 pounds, Tony. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was actually, this isn't a joke, but I was hypnotized and I went vegan. Oh, wait a second. Yes. Yes. My friend, Hypnogoddess, she's a comedian and a hypnotist, and she hypnotized me. I woke up three months later in her basement with no kidney. But listen.

Oh, no, I haven't.

I make a lot of my own stuff. Really? Yeah, I just buy it from H-E-B.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Yes, Jack.

Shave your beard, Santa.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. It got queer. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it close.

Oh, this is going to be epic.

So when I was in high school, girls would play this game called Fuck, Marry, Kill. And it's like where you make a list on who would you rather fuck, marry, or kill. And one time this girl made a list of me, Shrek, and the donkey from Shrek. Yeah, guess who got killed? The girl who made the list. Yeah, so my cousin, my cousin just came out as gay on Facebook because I have his password.

I remember one time my girlfriend and I were having sex and she kept saying, is it in yet? And as a man, that's not something you want to hear. when you're fisting your girlfriend.

Like six months ago. Six months ago.

You love it here? Oh, it's great, man. So many white bitches.

There's a lot of them. I didn't like them at first, but now I do.

Racism. No, white bitches. The pros, it's just a cultural thing. Baltimore, all the white bitches do heroin. So out here, it's just like ecstasy and shit. It's pretty chill. The cons, yeah, their dads hate me. Right. Yeah.

I feel like I'm a lovable guy.

I was a middle school special education teacher.

You could hear all the white women going, aw, all at once.

Oh, it sucked.

It was terrible. I mean, I did it in, it was in Baltimore, so it was just chaos. Yeah. You know, it's hard to teach a kid after he's called you a nigga, you know? Right. It's pretty difficult. Yeah. Yeah. But I had to do it.

You know? I taught that kid about slavery and everything.

Unfortunately, yes. Yeah.

Well, but you can... Yeah. We can restrain them, though. So, like, I had to, like, learn different holds to restrain a kid. Yeah. So, like, I did get a couple of licks in.

Oh, man. Oh, yes. Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to say his name, I guess. Right. Yeah, his name was Wayne. Yeah. And it was this chunky ass white kid. And I mean, obviously he was racist, but he loved me. So all of the racism would come towards me.

So he would get into these things called, like, crisises, to where, like, he would just flip the table, and, you know, he'd hit all the kids, throw the desks, and then he'd say the N-word, and he'd be like, see, you're making me racist.

Yeah, it was tough. But at the end of the day, I mean, he loved, like, cops, like police officers. Yeah, they all do. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just the lights on the car. Yeah. And so we would just bring in a police officer at the end of the day, and he would just be chilling with Wayne. Yeah. And then I get to leave.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, you could teach the cops and stuff, I guess. Or they could teach him.

It was a great time. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I read a lot of books. Yeah? Yeah. What kind of books? All right, so... I guess urban fiction.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So it's like this author called Donald Goines. So, you know, a hood nigga. My type of person. Yeah. So he has this novel. It's called Whore Son. So it's about a prostitute, like a mom, and she gives birth to a son. And she's like, well, I'm a whore, and that's my son. So we're going to call him Whoreson Jones. This is a real book.

So pretty much, he just becomes like a pimp. Is this erotic fiction that you're reading? I mean, if you like hidden women and stuff like that.

You just leave with them or something like that? Yeah, it's like a one shelf in Barnes and Noble.

Biggest audience.

Probably like 500.

It's gravy. Very good. I was going to guess an icy. Red Band, you love icies. This is your future here. I'm just here because I need a kidney transplant. You got a little RFK Jr. in your voice too. You got that shaky voice. I need a kidney transplant.

What were your symptoms?

Hold on a second, Misty. Hold on. We're going full pause here. We've never had it come up where someone has an ailment and you're like, well, I'm going through some kidney shit today. Like, what? What are the odds that you're going through?

There's Media Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Generous John Dees on the keys. Everyone knows how generous he is. Known for his generosity. And how loud can, I mean, it's the real deal. What can I say? It is indeed Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh yeah. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

So you have a lot of bubbles in your pee.

Wow.

That's amazing. That's a fetish for some people.

I can tell. Yeah, Red Band definitely has kidney problems. He is exhausted all the time. It is incredible. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this for Red Band because he's being a little shy right now. Okay. I would love it if you two end up in hospital beds next to each other.

craziest episode of kill tony ever we gave each other our own shitty kidneys right that'd be great if you guys transplanted to each other we can do dialysis together amazing okay so tell us what have you been eating and drinking your life everything yeah but seriously what are your like real guilty pleasures that you think got you this way like me sometimes right before bed i get a little craving you know what i have i i

I've been a naughty boy. I go for the chocolate covered pretzels sometimes right before bed. And I think to myself, this is so wrong. I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm a perfect specimen. Now, if I was you, it would be different. I'd imagine I would really know like, fuck, I should not be drinking lemonade like this right before bed. So what is it exactly?

It's FSGS?

You're going to die.

I've seen this before.

Dice, what do you think about her performance?

She literally does have a lot of guts.

I got no problems with your gallbladder.

Let me ask you this, Misty. You're on the hunt for a kidney. How much longer do you have? Give us a timeline. How long will you be able to live if there was no kidney given to you?

He's right.

So six and a half years. And what are we talking about? What type of bubbles are you at? How filled up is the toilet after you pee?

It's bad, huh?

It's bad.

Oh, my goodness. Can you imagine? Red Band's thinking of a bubble bath right now. This pig over here is like, I'll give you some kidney money. Come over. I'm pissing my chest.

I am. I need both of my kidneys, though, just in case. I have a lot of fun out there on these streets, and who knows? I might blow one one day. Do you have DFBS or whatever it is? What's it called again? FSGS. FSGS.

Oh, wow.

So real quick, before we get back to the show, I got to know, what exactly did the doctor say about your blood results and your kidney?

Ladies and gentlemen, in real time, you're getting the diagnosis. You remember the episode where Red Band found out he had a couple months to live? This is what's great about podcasting. There's nothing prepared. Anything can happen.

Six and a half years. So you have a blood type or something? What are you in the market? How can we help?

A positive.

Houston area.

Yep.

It'd be hilarious if she was from Rochester after all this. We're just like, if there's a good person out in Rochester willing to give a kidney, it's me, the evil guy from earlier. I didn't mean what I said. Please, be a good person.

So you're telling me that right now there is actually a way that if they request that they will only want to give their kidney to one person, that they can actually give it? I think we're going to save this lady's life. This is... This is bad for the show. There's gonna be a bunch of people with, like, eyes falling out and shit coming out.

Red Band just wants bubbly piss pics.

All right. Well, there you go. Misty Boudreaux in Houston. A positive. I have the feeling 99% of our fan base doesn't even know what blood type they are.

Oh, they would trade with an A positive. And they do a paired donation. Oh, my God. Well, I'll tell you this. Whoever in Houston... Whoever in Houston donates their kidney will put you on a guest list for a Kill Tony show. How about that? And here you go, here's a big joke book for Misty. There you go. She caught it like it was FSGS, everybody. There you go, Misty Boudreau.

There you go, her first time on a comedy stage and most likely her last, everybody. She's not gonna be with us much longer. My goodness. Your next bucket pool in an unheard of unprecedented maneuver is also on the inside. Just by pure luck, your next comedian goes by the name of Carl Kurz, everyone. 230 cold souls at a bar across the street wondering why the hell the show hasn't started yet.

As both bucket pools are from the inside. Where's Carl? We got movement? Okay. Here he comes. I'm going to pre-pull the next name. Oh, this is taking forever. Shout out to our... Okay, the next one's inside too. That's crazy. Is this like their seat number? Can you wrangle them so that it doesn't take as long? It's not... All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Another insider.

Make some noise for Carl Kurz, everybody. Here we go. Carl Kurz.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? Wow. Every once in a while, you know, sometimes it's booked a month out, sometimes this, sometimes that, sometimes I find guests that day. This one has been on my calendar for a while, and it has been a dream guest of mine since episode one. And you are here for his debut as a panelist on Kill Tony.

Was there more? Did you want to do more? Go ahead. Oh, that was it? All right. You were just naming stuff that you shoved up your ass. Okay. I thought you were getting like a punchline or something. There's more, but yeah. Okay. Well, if you want to do the rest, do the rest. It's long. How long? I don't know. 15 seconds? Well, go. Do the 15 seconds. Jesus.

We spent 15 seconds telling you to do the fucking 15 seconds.

Yeah, it's very important that you do that part. That's called the punchline. Right. All of that was set up. You're just naming things you shoved up your ass. I had a feeling there was something more there. Welcome, welcome. Nervous. Fun stuff. You did very good. Thank you. Good job, Carl. You rolled right off of the lady's kidney, right into it. How long you been doing stand-up? First time.

44. Yeah, what have you been doing with your life up until this point?

Dice, what do you think about this guy?

I mean, you're definitely exaggerating, right?

You're being dead serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three ounces of weed?

How many? Oh, my God. Dude...

Your mom was encouraging you to shove shit up your ass?

That's a great question. Why did your mom know? Did you tell her?

But you do remember your mom saying, Oh, I remember that part.

So the painkillers, I understand, because you're about to shove so much shit up your ass. The mushrooms, that was just what? To make it all fun or something? Just to have some laughs? I took all the drugs that I had. Aren't you afraid that the mushroom giggling was going to make the stuff fall out of your ass?

I'm a shove stuff up your ass genius. So if you ever have any more questions, if anyone wants to write in to my magazine, shove shit up your ass monthly. Yes, that is our official sound effect. All right. Sorry, Dice. I'm only in prison.

Okay, so tell us about this robbery. Was this like Home Alone style? You broke through a window and then you're walking over a bed of nails? Uh-oh! Like, anything fun happen during the... Here we go. Give me some good residential robbery music. Here we go. Nice and easy on the drums.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, especially starting at the Comedy Store, this is Comedy Store royalty. He is, undisputedly, one of the greatest comedians of all time. He is the first comedian to ever, ever sell out an arena. Indeed, this is the first panelist appearance ever by the undisputed heavyweight king of comedy. This is Andrew Dice Clay!

Hell, yeah.

So you just left?

So that was a time where you got close. How about the one that you got in trouble for?

Yeah.

I'm sober now, so... Did they give you a name? Were you, like, known for your robberies or whatever? Were you, like, the Steve Bandit or something?

Right. What's the greatest home robbery you ever got away with?

AK-47, what else?

What? God damn.

I want to... Did you ever think about just carjacking somebody at that point?

How many cars do you think you've carjacked? I stole about three to six cars a night for like... I love that we can go, this is a show where I pull out of a bucket. One second a guy's going, I used to steal three to six cars a night. The next bucket blows, I need a kidney. I'm going to fucking die if I don't get a kidney. Then there's this piece of shit. It's fucking...

Some kidney karma.

I love it. Wow. So what do you do for work now?

Why do you laugh when you say that? Is that your Steve? Because of all the shit I just fucking said. Hey, I'm in construction. I own a construction. Let me come in and measure your door frames.

You have any idea how many times you have to be called a can't to put the old crow? Dude, if being called a means you have to have a crow on your head, I'd have a whole fucking bird's nest up here.

11 years sober.

How did you get sober? What was your secret?

Here's our drunk, blind bass player, everybody, just smiling, having a good old fucking time. He's been through two episodes today, this fucking guy smiling ear to ear, just whiskey to the brim.

Oh, Jesus Christ, wait, yeah, okay. I'm like, oh, I've never heard of this. What design is a creek bed?

What kind of model is that? I've never heard of a creek bed. Is it like a water bed? Yeah, yeah. actual fucking creek, like a bed of rocks? Jesus Christ almighty, dude. How do you even end up somewhere so uncomfortable? Like, it's like anywhere. I mean, find a dirt bed before a creek bed. At least stay dry. You're just like, I'm fucking freezing.

Oh, it's so hard. This sucks.

That is the worst. That truly is bottom. That's below bottom. You're literally a little seed level.

You kept the Top Ramen and the toilet paper in the creek with you?

I just stole a duffel bag.

Isn't that amazing?

I mean, wow. At least if they... You... It's such an interesting collection. My shoes, my Top Ramen, and my toilet paper. They left you with almost nothing. I can't believe they took your toilet paper.

Wow. Okay. Welcome to another episode of White Looters, ladies and gentlemen. It's a very rare show. No one's heard of it or pitched it before. It's a show called White Looters, where instead of your normal shoe stores or clothing stores like the normal looting types, it's called White Looters. Unsuspecting... I got eight wrenches, dude. Fuck yeah.

I'm a fucking, I'm my own energy source. I'm going to start my own fucking construction company, dude. White looting. This is incredible. I've never heard of such a thing. But usually our senior looting correspondent is John Dees back here.

How would you cook the Top Ramen if you were homeless?

You just eat it. You could put creek water in it.

Oh, God. That's gutter water. Oh, my God. Creek water ramen. Wow. I mean, this hasn't even been thought of before. No, dude. Holy shit. What's the worst? We're finding that this is a common thing for you. Like, yeah, creek water rum. Yeah. So let me ask you this. What is the worst thing you've eaten in all your prison and all your rehab and all your homeless and all your drug-induced time?

You're 11 years sober now. By a miracle, by a miracle, you're here performing. What's the worst thing you ever ate?

Wait, how did you eat shit? You had to eat it so that you could shove more drugs up your ass? What happened here exactly? Smoked shit. Wait, did you?

I like your perspective. I think you're a fucking funny guy. Anything else crazy we should know about you, even though this interview's gone on forever?

You said hi to him?

Yeah, I bet he fucking did.

Holy shit. So before I let you go, what's next for your... He just said the judge's name to me. He is out here just giving it all away. I don't care, man. I love it.

When's the last time you saw Steve?

When's the last time you talked to Steve? This morning. Wow. You talk to him every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he know that you were going to sign up for the show? Probably. Well, you told him you were signing up for the show.

So it wouldn't be a probably. It would be yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That he knew that you signed up for the show. What's Steve's last name? No, you don't say that.

So you just did stand up here. What are your goals? What's your hope with all this? Is this a one-time, like, what do you?

Ah, yes. I don't know if you know where it is. Meth country.

Yes. North of Modesto?

Yeah. Look it up on a map, people. It's frightening. It's the Rochester of California.

I'm telling you, man, Carl, you really have a knack at this. Going right up straight into a kidney thing and the good everything at the end and throughout your delivery and everything for, you know, for your fucking life. It's incredible. Congratulations.

Here's a big joke book.

The real deal. The man, the myth. This is Andrew Dice Clay on Kill Tony. You guys would get really loud at that point.

There goes Carl Kurz. We're going to do something fun before this next inside bucket pool, which is Dante. So, Dante, if you want to come up and get behind the stage, you can do that now. It'll save us some time. Congrats to Dante. He's going to be next. But before that, we're going to do something special real quick, a very, very special treat.

Ladies and gentlemen, a few weeks ago, I and my friends did the Roast of Jelly Roll. The 40th surprise birthday roast of Jelly Roll. And it was just a surprise for Jelly Roll for his birthday. It wasn't recorded or anything like that. It's not going anywhere. And one person in particular really roasted the fuck out of me. And she is one of my longest friends in comedy. Uh...

since I started almost 18 years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, here, just to share the roast jokes from the roast of Jelly Roll that were on me, I present to you one of my favorite comedians, one of the best. She just fucking lit New Year's Eve on fire on CNN. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only Whitney Cummings.

Whitney fucking Cummings. What a cool drop-in. She's here roasting my ass. Make some fucking noise for the great Whitney Cummings, everybody. What a cool fucking cameo, huh? We having fun here tonight? All right, back to the bucket we go. Like I said, three insides in a row. The odds of that are absolutely insane. It's never happened before.

Again, there's literally hundreds of people, comedians in a bar across the street, and somehow the inside is that lucky. Make some noise for Dante, everybody. Dante from the inside.

All right, just keep going now because we're already almost there. Is this another street joke or is this like a real joke that you made up? It's a real joke.

You're like a street jokes guy.

Well, I know, but you signed up and you just did jokes that you've been told by funny friends before. What's the difference between dressing and stuffing? What, Tom? I won't be dressing my, right?

Right, exactly. That's what people are doing here.

Yeah. Hit me with it, Dice.

Hey. We all agree, even Michael Gonzalez. She's going to get the ring back.

I'm just here. It is true. Dice is correct. This is backfiring. Even Michael Gonzalez, one of the nicest guys in the world, yelled, that's right, when Dice said, you don't do that. So, do you think that she really loves you, or do you think that this may have entirely backfired?

How long have you two been together?

Five years. How long have you been engaged? Four months. Four months. And when's this wedding planned? When's it going to take place? Do you know?

11 or 12 years later, you found out that it wasn't about murdering people.

Is this your second marriage? Yeah. Both, yeah. Is this her first marriage, the fiance? Second also. This is the funny shit. This is the funny shit. Both of your second marriages.

Did she sign up as well? Did your fiance sign up?

No. You guys came here just the two of you?

And where'd you come from again?

Orlando? Okay. That's where you live? Yeah.

What do you do for work in Orlando?

Okay. That seems like you'd be pretty busy out there.

What part of the trip did you decide that you were going to sign up for the show? Were you driving here?

Wait, you decided then?

People that were around you were there to sign up, right?

I'm kind of confused. Was there a special sign-up thing that happened? Someone walking by? Yes.

All right. And someone yelled, does anyone want to sign up? And so just a bunch of dumbasses were like, well, yeah, if they need comedians, we'll sign up.

Well, no, yeah, well, that's a common thing. No, it's a common thing that we would have to do because they have to get the sign-ups from the people that do want to sign up that are coming in from the audience. So, yeah, it makes perfect sense.

But the part that doesn't make sense, this is the first time I do believe in the show's history in which I ever heard that someone decided right then just because someone was taking, like, you know what the show is. And then here you are doing fucking, you know, like, jokes.

How do you feel now? Now that's cool, people with courage. These are the people that would go fucking bungee jumping and forget to connect the cord. Like they're all just like, woo, adventure, yeah, go for it, fuck it, I'll chase your dreams. But look at them now. Look at them now. I'm with Dice on this one. I think you may have just fucked up the rest of your life.

How'd you guys meet? There might be some more kids. How did you meet? Were you back there putting in a pool or something?

Just never going to happen. Well, you do know about stand-up, and that's why we are here. Over 230 human beings signed up for a chance to get on this show. They have no idea who the guest is or is gonna be, so when they turn around after doing a minute, they're going to be looking down the barrel of Andrew Dice Clay.

I saw her when she walked in and I said, hey. Heidi's clapping extra hard. She fucking roots for Team Gold Digger over here. Look at this one.

A big win for fucking tits. Wow.

Are they out? Are the tits out tonight? Keno, get us some house lighting here. Let's see what's going on. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, wow. All right. Okay. Wow. My pool just went above ground. Look at that. It's incredible. What do you think about frothy pee? Fucking disgusting. Unbelievable. Turn the lights back off. Okay. Dante, I spent way, way, way too much time with you. Here's a little joke book.

There he goes, Suicidal Dante, ladies and gentlemen. This is your next comedian. This was an actual comedian from across the street. Make some noise for him. He knew he was signing up for this show before he got here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Mike Jones. Mike Jones.

Very cool. Thank you. I guess I'm the gay one after somehow all that gay shit that you thought of and wrote and memorized, you fucking freak. Yes. Good one, Mike. It's the hardest I've been roasted the whole episode was your gay fantasies and you go, right, Tony? It's like, how am I the fucking gay one? You're the gay one, you creep. You hurt my feelings, man. How's it going, bud? How are you?

How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time on... What is going on tonight? This is just annoying at this point. It's a bunch of mentally ill people like, you'll never believe. This is my first time. It is. We're not surprised. It wasn't any better than... We've had three first times before you tonight. They were all better. That hurts. I know. It's hard to believe.

Now, you don't know what that's like to have to look at you after doing a set, but let me tell you, this person's inside. That's interesting. So our first bucket pool will come from the inside. We're going to watch people do 60 second sets. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

So, Mike, tell us. What made you want to start tonight?

How old are you?

Yep. What made you want to start tonight?

Oh, God. All right. Here's a little joke book. I'm going to keep it moving along. Yeah, no, I don't know. Yeah, I don't want you to promote your stupid card game. Let's go. We're keeping it moving. It's okay. Put the mic back in the mic stand. There you go. Jesus fucking Christ. People used to come on this show to try to make it. Now it's fucking people, I got a new car game. I need a kidney.

So many real comics.

I agree. There's issues there. I agree. Dante is bawling out of control in the middle of the room right now. He's sucking on his fiance's tits in celebration of how good Mike Jones just made him look.

The J. It's so true. It's so true. Well, hopefully this gets better. We got another bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Candace August, everybody. Candace August.

Are you guys ready to start the first ever Kill Tony with Andrew Dice Clay? We're going to start it with a bang. I present to you a new minute from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. To kick things off tonight, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are a big fan of the show? Woo!

I want to hear more about the black thighs. Let her go. I'm sorry, that was the time limit. Do you have more black thigh stuff?

A breath of fresh air. Candace August has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. I can't tell whether you're great or the rest of the show is sucked that bad. Dice was just reminding us. We don't know what's bad until we just got word Dante is back.

I'm sorry, I didn't look over. Hi. It's okay. Hell yeah.

All of it in Atlanta, or how long have you... Houston or Atlanta? Which one is it here? Come on! Yes, one more. One more Black City.

Oh yeah, DC makes sense.

That's fantastic. This is exactly where you belong. You are in the right place at the right time. I love it. And you were a bigger girl before, really? How much weight did you lose?

Wow, hell yeah. Red band, come on. What's going on over there? Red band. Sir. It's red band over here. Oh my goodness. I expected it. I expected it. Yeah. His inner thighs are also black from all the melted chocolate when he falls asleep at night. Yeasty. Falls asleep with milk duds on his lap, this fucking guy. I love it, Candace. So how about for a job?

How long have you been answering customer service calls?

I love it. You do. You have a lovely, lovely voice.

Is it really true that your inner thighs are blacker than the rest?

Oh, yeah.

Our senior big thigh correspondent, Brian Red Band. Absolutely incredible, Candice. I love your energy. Did you move here alone? You got a man? I have a husband.

But then you'll be happy to know, kicking things off, a brand new minute from the one and only, this is Cam Patterson, everyone.

How long have you two been together?

Normally they're the ones doing the calling for debt consolidation. It's interesting that there's someone with experience on the other end of the line. That's so fun. And how about your phone call thing? What's that?

What are the odds? Did you guys, oh, you guys met at work.

Wow.

Why is it Plenty of Fish?

That's great. What was that first date like? What did you guys do?

Was it a watermelon martini? No. Come on. What are you groaning for? We're having fun here.

So he was a pina colada.

How did I not know with everyone working at a fucking call center? Wow. You should have known. Oh my goodness. So what was the order? What exactly does an Indian order? Mud water? You can't get canceled by the Indians. They don't listen to the show. They don't care about it. We're friends with the sauna mod. We're good.

For an Indian, did he perhaps, like, pour it all over his hands and stuff and, like, try to flip it around, mix it with bread, and then, like... Indians are wild out there.

Not going to stop until you offend every fucking body.

We will roast them until they look like your inner thighs. Whoever they may be. White people aren't safe. They're the worst of them all.

And I got to tell you, we needed you. Every bucket pool has stunk up the stage so much that you would think it was your husband's wife beater in the hamper. Do you have a lot in common with him? Like butter chicken? Wait, what? Shut up. What does that even mean? What did you just say? I don't even know. Red Band may have actually just been racist just then. What is butter chippin'?

That is an Indian dish. Butter chicken. Oh, butter chicken. It is an Indian dish. That was a good one, Red Band. Butter chicken. I thought you said butter trippin'. I'm like, oh, Jesus. I don't even know what that means. Wow, that's amazing. I cannot, I don't think I've ever seen an Indian man with a black woman before. He must have like, how do you think he ended up with that kind of confidence?

Normally it takes a very specific kind of swagger to get a real, especially a fucking D.C., Tampa fucking... Like I know what's going on over there. But how does a, cause these Indian guys are normally pretty little, right? Are you taller than him?

Oh my goodness gracious, wow.

Exactly. It is incredible. But where do you think he gets that confidence? Even with height, I still think that it takes a certain type of guy. I've still never seen a tall Indian guy with a powerful black woman either.

Candice August, I hope you sign up more. I hope we get to see more of you. Red Band? I would love to have you on The Secret Show. Whoa! Candace August is booked for The Secret Show. There it is. Big joke book. What an appearance. What a debut. That is how it's supposed to go. Make some noise for Candace August, everyone.

What a moment. Your next bucket pool. Yeah, amazing.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of TJ, everyone. TJ. Here comes TJ. Oh, wow. You know who this looks like. All right, let's start from scratch here. I'm gonna give you, I don't normally make a joke at the top of somebody's set. I couldn't help myself. It was just right there. Ladies and gentlemen, a fresh start.

Make some noise for TJ, everyone.

And now you are in it. You're in the interview part, TJ.

Wow. First of all, let me tell you, you are the biggest seven-year-old I've ever seen in my entire life. You look like a giant child. How tall are you exactly, TJ? I'm six feet. You're six feet? Six-three. Six-three. Okay. You're nervous. You got a little slur there. Wow. Dice, what do you think about this guy?

That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. What ethnicity are you, TJ? I'm actually Sri Lankan. Oh. Yeah. What are they known for? Tourism. Tourism.

Okay, he's about to pass out. Does anyone have a glass of water? These hipsters are handing you their half-filled drinks. No, don't do that. No, no, no, don't do that. We have to have a water back here. We're going to grab you a water. It's okay. My mouth is really dry. I know. It's okay. We're going to get you a water. Look at the lovely Heidi, everyone. What's going on?

Look, Kobe Bryant ain't strong enough to open a bottle of water. Kobe looked better than you after the helicopter crash, by the way. So, TJ, how long have you been doing stand-up?

But do you practice every day? I'm trying. Well, I'm here. Well, yeah, you're here right now. I do this every Monday. I've never seen you before. Right. Yeah. But I mean, I just started a year ago. OK. Yeah. All right. But you're out at open mics practicing every night, every night in Austin. I just got here three nights ago. I literally just got to Austin. Okay, from where? From Canada.

What part of Canada? Toronto. Okay, that's why you look like that. Yeah. How many times did you get vaccinated? Tell the truth. I did not.

to not get vaccinated. This is the first time I've ever seen a Republican in a Lakers jersey. I don't know if I believe any of this. What do you think makes you a Republican? Just out of curiosity. I don't normally like to get political, but you look too skinny to be a Republican. But tell me more. That's coming from me.

I wish I wouldn't have asked that question. What do you do for work? I was a banker, and now I'm in sales. Okay, what are you selling?

That sounds interesting. I think I got a lot of phone calls from you guys a couple months ago. Amazing. Okay. So what do you do for fun? I play tennis, do comedy, hiking. Yeah, what else? Tell us.

What do you think made it take 44 years, 43 years?

Mark, don't you agree that your balls are the same size that they've been for over 20 years? Maybe. Did your Sri Lankan parents have anything to do with you not wanting to chase your dreams?

This is all good. Impersonations. Great question. Wait, you're still going with this Kobe thing? It's almost like he didn't hear he had an accident.

Super topical reference from Brian Redband. 1988 classic. Yeah. Kobe and Indiana Jones are just as old as one another. Amazing. Do your shot one more time. Let's see what a basketball shot from you looks like because it was unbelievable what I think I saw a moment ago. I tried to pretend like I didn't see it, but I want to see it again.

It's okay. Just put the microphone down for a second. Let's see what it would look like you shooting a basketball into a hoop.

Here he is. Wow. Wow. There's a certain smell that just went over the entire room from that. That is a Sri Lankan salsa, if I've ever smelled one. That is absolutely incredible. Drink less water. You're sweating too much. No. Okay, TJ, but this was fun. Here's a, I like your style, and since, even though I would normally give you a small joke book, it looks good with your jersey.

Here's a medium KT joke book. TJ. TJ. So best, so Kobe. What? Oh, Kobe, yeah. Kobe would have caught it. Yeah. Music for what? You're going to dance out? Give him some music to dance out. You know what? I've never had anybody ask for that before, and I'm just in the giving mood. Give him some. Can we get some Sri Lankan dance music? Oh, Jesus. Wow. Wow. Okay. There he goes everyone, TJ.

Dancing his way back to obscurity. He didn't even dance. He forgot the book, he didn't take the water. He forgot his joke book too. There actually is And I mean this in the most non-racist way humanly possible. But there really is a scent up here on stage right now. It is quite incredible. You smell that? You know what I smell? Hold on a second, guys. Hold on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What show? You're right. Red Band will know that. This is from the 70s or 80s. Kung Fu. Right, yeah. David Carradine. I am Kane. Oh, yeah. I should have known that. That line just even references Pulp Fiction.

Man. Yeah. That's really something. All right. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. This is J.P. Lambiasse. J.P. Lambiasse. J.P., everyone.

J.P. Lambiasse. Am I saying that correctly? Lambiasse. Lambiasse. Okay. Hell yeah. Now, what is Lambiasse? What kind of last name is that for an Asian boy?

Yeah, that makes sense. Italians are good people. Yep. Out there saving Asian babies. You were bought from France?

I still don't understand. Oh, I see. Does your Italian family pronounce it Lambiesse?

No, yeah. No, I know. Yeah, that makes sense. I read names every week on this show. I just found it interesting. I've never seen an Asian with an Italian name. Yeah, it's fun. What's JP short for? Jap? Benito. Is that a slur? Did I just accidentally slur again? Oops. Oops, I slurred again. You can't only do it if it's an Asian guy and it's JP. You're having fun, right?

Oh, okay, perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Absolutely amazing. Hell yeah. Asians love playing the victim for some reason. Little fun fact. It's very weird. They don't have to do that, but they do. That one. Good question. John Dees wants to know, he doesn't ask many questions, but I did just hear him ask, were you on Squid Games?

Okay. All right. So welcome, welcome. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, yeah. It was a train wreck. What happened then?

But she screwed you over business-wise?

Oh, boy.

How long were you with this girl?

Oh, Jesus. Wow. Good Lord.

What type of slandering is she doing? What is she saying bad about you?

But she also said... Rare for an Asian, but for someone raised by Italians, makes perfect sense. Do you get mad like an Italian? Did your parents teach you that? When you get mad, are you Asian or are you Italian?

Now I got you being racist back to me. So we're good about the chap thing earlier, just to let you know. You know, Italians, we're just all mozzarella to one another. God, it's so racist. I feel like a real victim right now. Well, thank you, Red Band. Okay, so, all right, well, then maybe we shouldn't talk about your slandering, suing ex-girlfriend then, huh?

I'd like to, it's fine, but... Well, what do you want to say? I mean, what's interesting about all that?

But does she have any actual... Have you ever done anything homosexual-like before?

Oh, that'll do it. That's gayer than anything I've ever done. So it looks like we can't really relate to each other at all. Yeah, well. Did you text her that because you're gay?

So you're just like, at that point, you're just like, please, you know, I don't have anybody else to go to. Like, I'm gay.

See what I'm saying? That's actually a smart approach. If all else fails with a crazy chick, just go gay. That's amazing.

That is some fucking Jedi level. It took an Asian raised by Italians to figure that out, just to crack the code. And of course, in their own inner anger and rationalization with themselves, they're like, oh, that makes sense. Of course you're gay, you f*** it. Right. Did you have to prove anything? Did you Photoshop any dicks in your mouth or anything like that?

She's just a white girl? Just a white girl. Isn't that amazing? A white girl giving an Asian an Apple phone for a change. Isn't that amazing? Just absolutely incredible. Little role reversal there. Amazing. So 10 years with her, though. Did you have fun in bed? No. Okay. How about now? Have you been, now that you're finally, how long have you been single for? Like two years now.

How about two years? Have you gotten some action?

I love it. Amazing. Fantastic.

Yeah, he does. He's got the gloves. Andrew Rice Clay over here. LAUGHTER

That's a little better. All right. He just looks like a homeless Asian woman to me.

It's not a blizzard. You look like an accountant for everyone who had a barrel fire. Oh, shit. Yep.

Okay. Sorry, dad. All right. He is the Italian that adopted him. Wow. So, JP, I mean, she's no longer bothering you, right?

Really?

Well, don't bring your fucking trouble to us, dude. We like you, whoever you are. Best of luck with everything.

She wants to get on this show.

She needs a minute first, but... You got to move on, my friend. Does she do stand-up sometimes?

They're pretty good jokes. How many of the minutes did you write? This is so Asian doing the homework for the white person. Okay.

It is absolutely true. I fully endorse Cam's statements about anywhere in upstate New York. It is incredible for anyone to stay there after being born and raised there. You should have run for your lives. Instead, you probably settled down with the first person that said that they like you too. And then you accidentally came inside of them.

All right, JP. She's pretty funny. So does she do stand-up comedy sometimes?

Did you guys start at the same time? You took that comedy class before or what?

People giving shout-outs out here. I know. It doesn't matter.

It seems like your whole identity is this girl, and it seems like her whole identity might be you. Do you think... I don't know.

Redband follows, like, YouTube shows and shit. I don't know what's going on.

Do you think there's a chance that you guys might still be deeply in love with one another? My ex? Yeah, the one that we've been talking about for 10 minutes straight. I didn't know what you were talking about. No, I know you and Red Band are deeply in love with each other.

You do look strangely like his girlfriend, though, now that I think about it. Leave me alone, Tony. Janice, Janice, is that you? I know she's been getting migraines lately. She might be a little swollen. She might have an inflamed head. Wow, that actually is a pretty good impression. Is Janice here? Can we get Janice? Can we do a side-by-side?

If you're going to go Asian, you got to go Asian. You could do a more Asian accent than that. Let's hear it. They can't say the letter L. Right. Yeah, that's a good way to know.

You've taken a comedy class before. This is like a comedy class.

He's teaching you how to do an Asian accent. So come on, fucking give it to us. Summon the people.

You're making it very weird. I can see why your ex fucking sued you and took your shit. I don't do it. It gets creepy after a while. I don't even do those kind of jokes. I know. I'm sorry I even said that. No, it's great. No, that was fantastic.

Remember when I would do that stuff? Well, yeah, I still do it. I'm very immature.

And now you're stuck there forever in eternal hell while literally the rest of America laughs at you right now. They might seem like I'm crawling through your internet screen and talking directly to you. And that's because I am. Everyone in upstate New York, evacuate, evacuate. You'll thank me later. There you go. We got this.

JP, how did it feel doing an Asian accent? Do you feel like your ancestors that gave you away?

JP, you already have a joke book?

What an amazing twist. Here you go, JP. There's a big one. Thank you. Congratulations. There he goes, JP Lambiasse.

All right, your final comedian of the night, out of the bucket, goes by the name. She's been on the show numerous times, especially back in the day when we first got to Austin. Since then, she worked her way up as a door person here at the Mothership and gets regularly booked on shows all the time. One of Adam, the talent coordinator's favorite top young rising comedians.

One of our favorite top young rising comedians. Make some noise for her. This is a brand new minute from Christina Mariani, everybody.

Exactly a minute. Unbelievable material from Christina Mariani. That is fantastic. That is an unbelievably great joke. How you doing? Still as awkward as ever. Still just like the day you started over there. Never ends. How's it going, Christina? How are you?

Fantastic. Remind everybody, it's been a while since you've been on the show, right? Yeah. But you used to be on when we were at Vulcan.

Uh-huh.

yeah and things have been going good how long have you been doing stand-up overall three years three years yeah okay so you started back then yeah you still don't know how mike's stand works i like that it's fantastic no you're doing great the cords wrapped around there you're stuck there you got it you got it i got it i love it how do you feel right now you just performed you just crushed in front of the great andrew dice clay it really was amazing yeah thank you thanks

Thank you so much. Let the record show, tonight's episode, three out of the top four performers were women. It's unbelievable. Christina Mariani, Candace August, Whitney Cummings, and Cam Patterson, representing... Representing the men. No, I'm saying that's the one out of the four that was. That would be a weird joke for me to make. Cam's a woman, everybody.

No, I'm saying out of my, what I have ranked the top four sets, three of them were women, which is... a mathematical anomaly. It is unbelievable. But you, Whitney, Candace, very, very funny. How's life been going? What's it like out there for Christina Mariani? You're in Austin. You've been here for years. You're having great sets. You're on a lot of big shows. You're a shy, nervous.

Okay. Can you tell us about some of that? What are some of the things that you used to do that were uncool and now you have control over them?

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, yeah, you seem like you're blending in well. Thank you. You're not sweating like a Sri Lankan right now, I can tell you that. We had that happen.

It was something else.

I love it. Where can people get tickets for your shows?

Yes.

Wow. Is that your password or your screen name? That's incredible.

I see you kind of combined your first name and your last name.

Yeah. It is wild. What else do you do, Christina? What would we be surprised to know about you, about your life here in this interview portion of Kill Tony?

Cool. Wow. You signed up for a half marathon as well? Yeah. Wow. Why just a half? Like her, I understand, but you're a black man. You should be running the double marathon or something like that. You're just going to go beat everybody's ass in a half marathon real quick?

He runs ultra marathons.

Wait, he runs ultra marathons? Michael Gonzalez is outing you. Big Mike, as we call him. Fitness junkie. So you run ultra marathons sometimes? Sorry, Christina, he's a more interesting interviewer. So have you ever run a marathon before?

I have no idea what any of that was. I don't know if I endorse that. I might.

What made you sign up for a half a marathon to start?

Okay. How long do you run during the day?

Wow. That's more than Red Van has ever walked in his life. It's grand total. Amazing. What else do you do to help your obvious anxiety?

Oh, okay. This is great. Are you the Asian guy's ex-girlfriend? This is incredible. Okay. How long have you been in therapy for?

How's that going? Did they already get you on a bunch of pills?

Did they try a little bit?

Not a little bit? No. They didn't go, you know, I'm not saying that you should, but what I would do if it was somebody that wanted pills is this. Because that's how they make vast sums of money. No, I have a different doctor for that. Oh, okay. You're like a homeopathic type of... No, I was kidding.

What? You're just kidding about seeing a therapist?

Right, okay. But did your therapist suggest drugs at any point? No. No, nothing at all?

Yeah, therapists don't do that. Oh, the guy that lives with nine women also knows a lot about therapists. Who would have guessed this, everybody? Well, yeah, but usually a fucking therapist will see a nervous bundle like this and send them straight to the psychiatrist who writes a prescription.

What are you normally like?

Yeah, no. What would make you more nervous? I want to make you more nervous. Who wants to hear her sing a song, everybody? No. I'm kidding. I'm joking, Christina. That was a fun set. You're famously nervous and shy. Red Band? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Fantastic. You ever get one of these before? You want one? There you go. Christina Mariani, everybody.

And that was tonight's episode. How loud can this place get for the one and only Andrew Dice Clay, everybody? A historical episode for us to have the presence of the Dice Man. The art is in from Ryan J. E. Belt, and it is unbelievable. He drew that during the episode, our artist that draws every episode of the Dice Man. That is incredible. Very powerful. RyanJEBelt.com to check that out.

Yeah, hold that up. Yeah. I don't know if they can see it.

Is there anything you want to plug or promote? He's one of the funniest men on Instagram, I can tell you that. You may have seen his man on the streets. I'm not here to plug. Right. I love it. I love that. I don't need to plug. God, I love you. You are just the coolest guy.

I don't know of any garbage places. I've never heard of such a thing, and I would never reference any people as garbage. However, if you're still watching from chilly upstate New York, just know that I was talking to you for that moment. Dice, what do you think about upstate New York?

Maybe you could get a picture.

Dice has graced our stage twice at Madison Square Garden.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everyone? They've been playing for you here in the live music capital of the world. That is Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez. Unbelievable. Big Mike is with us. Look at him, just bigger than ever.

Twice at the HGV Center, but to get to have you here at the table, I always knew it would be amazing. It was good. No, it was unbelievable. Did you guys have fucking fun tonight? One more time for Andrew Dice Clay, the best damn band in the land. Thank you.

It is amazing.

It is amazing. Natural, very natural. Since day one, it was always like that.

Hell yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. The only guy crying at the end of this set should be the guy from Rochester that messaged you.

Why would you send the poor innocent guy that DM'd you something, you sent that, his profile off to your gang?

He said he was going to smoke your dead friends?

What does that mean, that he's going to turn them into ashes and then sprinkle the ashes into a blunt? And he would smoke them in front of you? Yes. And, like, blow the smoke in your face?

I agree. Amazing. Cam Patterson, way to get tonight started. And it has begun with a great, powerful set from Cam Patterson. And now it begins. And our first bucket pool is from the inside. This could be any one of you that signed up. Ladies and gentlemen. Ooh, the lovely Heidi has arrived. Your first comedian goes by the name of Misty B, everybody. Misty B. There it is, indeed.

Coming from the middle. It has begun. Her table is very excited about this. Very much Price is Right energy. Coming from the middle table. She's one of you. From the inside, make some noise for her. I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Misty B, everyone. Misty B.

Misty B, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Misty B. Misty, how long you been doing stand-up comedy?

Okay, there you go. Welcome, welcome. What made you want to sign up today?

That lady literally just touched my dick when she walked past me. On the way here, my girlfriend and I pulled up to an intersection, and there was a homeless guy wearing a Nirvana shirt, and my girlfriend rolls down the window and says, name four songs, dumbass.

My agent called me the other day and said he thinks there might be a World War III, and I said, great, could there be a part in it for me? But then I started thinking about it, and I think the last thing we need is another Hollywood reboot. What's harder, finding where's Waldo or going to a rap concert and trying to figure out which one on stage is the rapper?

It's like they're all kind of wearing the same thing on stage, but they're not. Okay, that's my time. Fuck yeah, William lights out Montgomery.

So nice to be here, Tony. I love it. God, my throat is really hurting right now. I'm a little worried. I don't know. Please, somebody needs to, please, maybe one of y'all knows, but I wonder, I've been drinking so much honey recently. I've been drinking so much throat coat tea with honey. I literally, I will drink a full bottle in two nights. I just wonder if you can have too much sugar and honey.

Can you?

It's horrible, Tony. I'm not even kidding. I think I've done something weird. And hold on. Who is that guy? That is on the guitar. He's been weirding me out. Redman, do you know that guy at all? I actually have no idea.

Cool.

Nice to meet you, Sean. I mean, I just had never seen him before. I've never noticed him before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what do you think about it?

Hold on. Can you do something else? That was cool. Something else cool?

Sean, can you play behind your back? Because that all sounded pretty cool.

Can you play behind your back?

Tony, you're going to hate me right now. Oh, boy. Guess what I've been doing. What have you been doing? Oh, boy. You're going to seriously. Just do it. You're going to hate to hear what I'm about to tell you.

I'm not kidding. There's a new Call of Duty, and it's a video game, and I have almost all of my submachine guns gold camouflaged right now. It was a two XP weekend. I have been playing it so much, Tony, so I came up here a little...

I have to or I start feeling insane. Right. I start feeling crazy. I have to have some sort of downtime. I have to have some sort of downtime. Okay, cool. I start feeling nuts. Okay. Like really crazy. I started feeling really crazy recently. If I start feeling like I'm working a little too hard, I start feeling insane.

Yeah, getting fucking that six submachine guns. I got gold camouflage. Yes, I was working. That literally was 24 hours.

You don't beat it. You just keep on playing. Yeah. Wow. But I've been doing that. Yeah, I got to relax. I've been feeling crazy. I got to take a little break. I mean, you don't want to hear that. I got to take some sort of a little break just generally.

Well, I mean, we're getting into the Christmas season. I mean, things are really ramping up, Tony. I mean, this is the most hectic time of the year for my ass. I mean, it's Thanksgiving. Fucking Thanksgiving. What else you got? I mean, it's a lot of... It's not really a lot of Thanksgiving.

No. No. I've never... No.

I refuse them every now and again. No. There's just seriously every now and again, I'm like, hold on, this person's trying to trick me right now. And they've all happened to be for those ones. Okay.

Wait, so what do you mean? You got kicked off of an airplane? Is that what all this is about?

Honestly, Tony, there was a time we were, it's been so scary recently because, yes, you're technically correct, Tony. On Sundays, I'm not doing anything, but I generally sleep an hour to three, so I have to nap. I have to nap or I'm not doing good. And it was so scary. I started on these early flights.

I started having these nightmares that I find myself in the actual airplane and the airplane starts crashing. And Tony, there was one one day where it was when I was opening up for your ass and you were sitting in front of me. And it's like I wake up and I'm on the plane and I see you looking out of the window and like rain starts coming in because there's some issue with the plane.

But that was a scary one, so now I can't go to... Right.

I don't have health insurance.

I'm 37.

And I'm rich. I mean, I think that could mean all kinds of things. Yes. I mean, I currently thank the Lord above. I don't have any debt or anything, but I don't know. I mean, I think it's very much so all relative about somebody spending. I think there's all kinds of stuff that goes into it. That, I don't know. Yeah, things, thank the Lord, have been all right.

I mean, again, get a Christmas cameo from me. I mean, they're wonderful. Get one of those, but... It's a great ad. It's just been a hard, and now it's raining outside, and I got to go play some more Call of Duty. I don't even want to play it anymore, Tony, but I'm going to be playing it all night long tonight.

All night long tonight, and it's going to be raining outside, and I roll up some little joints and... Sit by the television and start talking shit and start some of the fucking little peep on the fucking... I love it.

Hey! I'm glad we could have a woman up here. So we could call her fat and ugly. I think men are just better than women at certain things, okay? Sports, war, Ghostbusters, Ocean's Eleven. I'm glad that Trump won. Yeah, because Asians love a good wall. It'll be good to be on the north side of it for once. Asians love walls. We build them everywhere, even at the end of our runways for some reason.

That guy in New Orleans tried to run over as many people as possible. He couldn't kill as many people as an Asian dude running into a wall. I hope you guys weren't offended. I wouldn't want your butt holes to pucker up. End up looking like my eyes. That's how you get constipated. Can you imagine? I'm gonna shit through these things.

I recently went to Zilker. Enjoyed the last sunny day here yesterday. Flew my drone around. A dog bit my drone. A dog bit your drone? Yes.

I was just like, did that happen? That was crazy.

I was like, it's a couple propellers. I don't need to get it. Did it ruin the propellers? Yeah, I have replaced them. Propellers are the easiest thing to replace.

So no big deal.

Oh, do I?

You can annoy so many people at once. Wow. People hate drones. Incredible. They love planes. I have an RC plane that everyone loves that, but the drone for some reason.

Yeah, I have a small mouth.

Oh, God.

Like coming up here kind of like triggers me. Going up at the H-E-B arena triggered me. You gagged? Yeah, I was wiping away tears before I went up. Oh, my God.

Yeah, right up there. What happened exactly? I was just with my girlfriend vaping, and, you know, I think there was some cigarette smoke, and then I just, like, barfed into my water bottle. And I threw it away. When was that? About three weeks ago.

At the Vulcan, I would gag a lot, and the staff would know, oh, Hans is gagging again.

I would never do that. I know it's a big deal in your culture. What the fuck does that mean?

No, they make it worse.

Yeah, just hold it for 10 more seconds.

Can I read one?

You heard it.

Dude, he is shaking like he just shot a buck.

Oh, that's powerful.

He looks a lot like my dad. I really just have to say that.

Fucking weird, yeah.

No, that's not what I was saying. Wow.

Yeah, kind of. You also look like adult rock.

As in kid rock if he aged.

Thank you.

But he does look like my dad. It's weird. Do you play music or anything like that?

What do you mean, fucking nothing? You should fuck your wife louder.

In his defense, he has to jerk off every time he hears a click.

I've never seen a comedian do nun liners.

You are shaped like a bee.

Okay.

You guys are like, it can't be blowjobs forever.

Yeah, well, he's not walking them.

Hello.

Dude, don't ever make me sit on the end again.

It's scary.

I'm less scared of the murder and more scared of the tickles, to be honest.

Three black eyes.

Red Band knows a lot about blue cheesing.

I think she's the girl from his novel.

Not the domestic abuse at the tickle farm.

Well, he's wearing his clothes. You look like George Talkies.

I've seen a few of them.

His eyes are getting smaller.

It's those eyes, dude.

We can see your hair.

His smoke detector just goes off whenever he makes spaghetti.

If you want to get rid of them, I know a farmer.

All right.

All right, that's the black side.

I know what he's doing with these eight dogs, okay?

That's his wife.

Sickle cell.

He's going to get famous and death jam her in the ass.

He has eight dogs.

Well, he is half black, so he's gonna be late.

I like that at the end of it, he was like, you could have my socks. It's all I have left.

It's called N, N, and Eddie.

Okay. Okay.

This guy is talented as fuck. I'm going to say it right now. He made 60 seconds feel like an hour. That was beautiful.

Have you ever done stand-up before?

You have one of the most hateable faces I've ever seen.

I got to say, the moments when you're yourself and you're an actual douchebag and when you did that thing before you did the bit, there's little glimpses of maybe you could do something there, but you have to go with that douchebag face. You can't hide it. We're looking at it.

It's very liberal. I feel like the police in Portland lock their doors when they see black people.

The guy with the pinky stole that handle.

She was calling the police and signing like, oh, shit.

Someone's got a size 10 in here. Come on.

Someone give these men your shoes. Look.

Damn. But there's not a lot of Nutellas.

Are you into anything weird sexually, like two in the pink, half in the stink?

Anyway, excuse me.

Dude, when he came out, I swear to God, I thought it was Roseanne and she finally got dementia. He looks like the dude from that movie Split.

It must be crazy to bomb in a moo moo.

Yeah, but this is like one of those chances where you fuck a hooker with no condom and get a disease, you know?

Reminds me of the Bar of the Liberty.

Wait.

We're all taking it.

Oh my God.

Alright.

You are fantastic...

There you go. All right. Have you considered being a hands-in-the-pocket comedian? No.

It's hilarious that you think you can just be fast and be in the NFL.

Well, you ended your set with, what do you want from me? And I think I speak for everyone I'm with, and I say, a punchline.

You would clean up this shithole. Are you out of your mind? I've never been here and not run from a homeless person on this street.

Last time, I was sprinting away from two homeless people screaming at me, and as I was running away, two hipsters in skinny jeans and fedoras were walking the opposite direction, and it was the most humiliating experience of my life.

Yeah, you fuck with his town. That's right.

Oh, nice.

Did I say anything bad? You look mad at me.

Pull up my podcast.

But does the breeding kink, is that you want them to be pregnant or you just want to come in them? That's what I'm confused by.

You seem like a nice guy, you're giving out drugs, you're paying for abortions.

I hope the company finds the contract. So he gets the job back and stops doing stand-up. It's the joke I was going for. There we go. If you explain it, he's got to explain it.

Have you ever dealt with a reptile dysfunction? Oh, okay.

Joe List. The girl, no, I'm just confused here.

I mean, first of all, I know this isn't the wokest crowd, but transvestite, I don't think we're saying that anymore. I mean...

I like fucking really big girls in the ass, preferably with really short hair, if possible.

Joe? This is my first time meeting or seeing Drew. At first I thought you had a traumatic injury of the funny bone, but then... Then you hit us with the fuck your mother stuff, and now I'm like, okay, all right, now I can get on board.

Hey, what's up guys? Good to be here. I'm glad the election is over. That shit was horrible. Now the only campaign I have to worry about is trying to understand what Cam Patterson is saying to me. I can't wait for the grocery store prices to go down as soon as we're done kicking out all the people that grow our groceries for us. Thank you, Latinos, for coming after your protest tonight.

I don't get why Trump blames immigrants so much. How are they to blame? They just got here. They had no time to fuck anything up. These people who have been here a while, maybe they're the problem, huh? These fucking Native Americans. They had their turn.

27.

Yes. You know, I'm sleek. Yes. Aerodynamic, like a dolphin, I'm guessing.

Oh, they're a mess right now. Oh, I bet.

They're Japanese porn level right now. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's straight hair. It's amazing.

Yeah.

Gets in the way. It overtakes my dick in like five months.

I usually just go clean-shaven. I did the Hitler ones as a joke. Ooh. She was not on board. She's Jewish. Ah, indeed. It's like a holocaust down there.

I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana, doing a big Summit City comedy club. There was a guy there in a full Confederate flag tracksuit.

That's custom. Yeah, where do you get that? I thought it was a new Kanye merch.

I was on Dr. Phil Live, amazing show. I was at Salt Lake City. Yeah. Talked about soaking a lot.

Apparently you lay on the bed and then someone jumps up like a Tempur-Pedic commercial.

Yeah. You can't move. Moving is fornication. It's against God. So you have to just put it in there.

A whiskey hole might be the line of the night.

A little Crack Daniels, if you will.

It's for Disney. It's called There's Something Down Under. What happens when a man who's pissed off wants to be pissed on? You'll be rooting for the beast.

Okay, she's got mushrooms. I thought it was gonna be a C-section scar.

Florida, 12 and a half. Yeah.

Get in front of the sign, you baffo. That's why you're not true royalty.

Mom's hot.

It's a farmhand. You took a headshot to a farmhand job?

For royalty waits for no one. Somebody put on some Elton John. You too?

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.

And this was before mothers could make their boys girls if they wanted to.

If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

They've fallen downhill.

It's just not the same anymore. It's bad when Domino's is beating it. Wow. What's the edge? It's just less garlic sauce? Yeah, I think it is. The peppers are all horrible now.

He used to call me that at Papa John's every time I was here.

Did you put an application in? Yes, sir. I sent it to you. All right. I'll remember and see. I don't know if we're hiring, but I'll look at it.

We might be hiring, so I don't know.

Does it come with a wig? Huh? Does it come with a wig? What the fuck are you talking about, Redman?

Let's see your feet. Let's see your feet. Fuck you, Redman. No. I bet it looks like five dead ETs. Remember when he's in the water? I bet it looks like five of those.

Redman, I'm 25. I've never seen that movie, nigga.

Have you ever taken just like two or three days off to reset so you can spend like five bucks a day? Uh, no, not at all. Okay. What? Like, I know so many people that smoke every day, like, hey, I'm, like, go crazy all day. If you just take a couple days off, you reset your tolerance, and then you could smoke one joint and be high as fuck. Like, I always wonder why people don't do that.

Do you agree? 51-hour specials. What do you think, Red Band? I think you write more comedy than any comedian in the world.

Hey! What's up? It's good to be here. It's a great time right now to be a comedian at the Comedy Mothership. We all got jobs in the new administration. I'm in charge of agriculture. Fiona Kali is in charge of immigration. She's the new border Kali. Tony Hinchcliffe recently got in trouble for calling Puerto Rico an island of garbage, which is a compliment.

He's from Ohio, which is landlocked garbage. I'm glad Trump is in office again. I can't believe the Democrats shut down the whole country for a disease that only kills old people. What are we gonna ban next, stairs? I'm glad COVID happened. It got rid of a horrible group of comedy audiences. I can't wait for a pandemic that targets bachelorette parties. And Dominicans.

That's my time, thank you so much.

How did that feel, Hans? It felt great. After the first joke, it felt amazing. But yeah, the second and third were great. Yes, there you go.

Yeah, unlike those Puerto Ricans.

It's been great. I have just been, you know, as you said when I saw you on Friday, I've just been staying at my house farting on my girlfriend for a couple months. Yeah. I recently went hunting. I was in a blind next to a feeder, so not really the kind of hunting that Joe does. But, yeah, I actually killed a whole deer, and it was kind of small.

It was a small deer, which is even harder to hit, so I think... You killed a baby deer.

No, we just were shooting out there. I missed two, I hit one.

Yeah, I only have two expressions, eyebrows up, eyebrows down.

Thank you, man.

Is that the bird that flew into the jet engine? No, I'm just sorry. How dare you.

I'm sorry. I don't know. There's a billion of us. We're just out here coughing on each other. We're a peachy dish for new pandemics. Sorry about that, but we did give you gunpowder.

What else is going on, Hans? Anything else crazy? I recently went to Cancun with my girlfriend. We stayed in a resort. It's beautiful. It's like a whole other country down there.

No, it was quite expensive. I told her I got the cheapest room, and then I got her the most expensive room. It was $7,000. But I shouldn't say that.

I also have started playing Carcassonne as a board game. Oh, Carcassonne. Yeah. And, you know, I recently was in Nashville. I, you know, enjoy having sex with my girlfriend.

Hans just short-circuited there.

We did a lot of missionary. Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. What else did you do? We did sideways sex on our sides. Wow. She likes to make it casual.

So it's just super lazy doggy style.