Hillary
Appearances
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Feeling bitter or resentful about something? Maybe you're feeling stuck on something and just having trouble letting it go. Today, I'm going to tell you something else that no one else will tell you that will actually set you free from any or all resentment that you have right now and that will actually prevent you from ever feeling resentful ever again. Ready to lighten your load?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
But the stewing and brewing is partly what makes resentment more insidious because it's not openly acknowledged or addressed. It's more kind of just sitting there underneath the surface and it festers. And rather than an overt expression like we get with anger, it oozes out of us in more subtle ways. And it can often be expressed in passive aggressive behavior. This is why it is so toxic.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
I call resentment the silent killer. It's like mold growing in the dark. You can't see it, but you can feel it. It's like acid erosion slowly eating away at our physical health, our emotional wellbeing, and our relationships too. It's a joy killer. a desire killer, a relationship killer. And often the offense isn't even overt and obvious.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Sometimes it's just very subtle and it's more about what the offense means rather than the offense itself. It's connected to a deeper sense of betrayal or inequity. And it's a prolonged exposure to a series of offenses that just add up, creating a story about the person or the relationship that that you're in. For example, you have a friend who's always late.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
This is annoying for sure, but resentment comes into play and starts to build if you believe this friend consistently doesn't respect your time, doesn't value you or prioritize your relationship, and you feel unable to address it. Or maybe you have a business and you're constantly bending over backwards for your customers or your clients, or you're not charging enough for your services.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
they continue to ask for more of you, you become resentful because you're not getting paid what you deserve, or you don't feel that they are respecting your time or your boundaries. So why do we hang on to all this stuff when it doesn't feel so good? I'll tell you, and then I'm going to tell you the harsh truth about resentment that no one else will ever tell you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Let's get started. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
And stick around until the very end because I'm sharing my three-step process for letting it go once and for all. So we hold onto resentment because it makes us feel righteous. See what you did to me? Yeah, you. You did this to me and I'm suffering because of it. We feel like we need recognition and acknowledgement of how we were done wrong. We didn't get our needs met in some way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
and are so stuck on that trespass or that infraction or that offense, resentment can feel like proof that our pain is valid and real. It's a way of saying, what happened to me was wrong and I am justified in feeling this way. When we're hurt, holding onto resentment can feel like a way to maintain power over the situation.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
By staying angry and letting it fester into resentment, we might feel like we're winning or that we're refusing to let that other person off the hook. that we just cannot get over something until that person pays the price. We want an acknowledgement and an apology.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
It's kind of like our inner child is having a temper tantrum and we're stomping our feet and throwing ourselves on the ground and rolling around and flailing all over the place. That is really the image that I get and the feeling that I get inside when I'm talking about resentment. Waiting to get that kind of closure means we may wait forever And in the meantime, we cannot let go of this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
It just feels unfinished. Meanwhile, that other person is just going on with their life. It is you who is suffering. We can literally be stuck on something that happened a long time ago, even when we got an apology potentially at that time. We develop a habit of feeling a certain way and thinking a certain way. So we fall back into it.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
And sometimes we've already decided that person is just the way they are and that we can't let go of this thing. So we have this story running in our minds and in our heads about this person. So everything that they do going forward will be evidence to support how this story is true. Complaining, blaming, and just being stuck. Resentment isn't even rational sometimes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
I have literally heard moms air their secret resentment towards their kids who require so much time, attention, and sacrifice. But they didn't ask to be born, right? So it's just not always rational. Being resentful is one of the lowest vibrational states of energy that you can be in. It is victim mentality, and that blocks all good things from coming into your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Residing at this very low vibe state means you attract other low vibe people and situations into your life, whether you realize it or not. So it is extremely important, if not vital, to learn what I'm about to share with you. So here's the harsh truth. Are you ready for it? If you are feeling resentful, it is your fault. How's that for a slap? If you are resentful, it is entirely on you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Let me tell you what I mean. It means that you haven't said something you really need to say. You haven't done something you really want to do, or you've done something you really did not want to do. Did you not speak up for yourself and end up doing something you didn't want to do? Be honest.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Resentment is a special kind of emotion because it's really a blend of hurt and anger and judgment and injustice all rolled up together. It's very complex. At its core, resentment is fueled by a sense of unfairness.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
I've had clients tell me that they had kids before they were ready because their partner was ready and wanted kids. So that is what they did. And then later they felt resentful towards their partner because they were made to do this before they were really ready. Alternately, Saying you don't want to have a child because you are with someone who doesn't want kids is the ultimate self betrayal.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
And it becomes a relationship killer and a total deal breaker for the relationship. Often the person who sacrificed their dream of being a parent becomes resentful towards the partner for their sacrifice. But in the end, who is it really that they should be upset with? I've had clients share resentment towards their partners who made them move to be closer to family or for their job.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
And that marked the very beginning of the slow deterioration of the relationship. And I hear people say all the time things like, I couldn't be myself with that person, whether it's a friend or a lover or even at work. Listen, No one makes you do anything. It's you who ultimately decides to do something you don't want to do
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
or to not do something you do want to do or to bite your tongue and not speak up. No one makes you move if you don't wanna move, have kids if you don't wanna have kids, not have kids if you don't wanna have kids, and no one can make you charge too little for your services or make you do anything for your clients that you aren't willing to do. And no one can make you not be yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Only you are able to choose whether you are going to be your full authentic self or not. No one can make you betray yourself and no one makes you feel anything. Only you are in control of your thoughts and your feelings. They may do things that are unkind inconsiderate or worse, but you are responsible for your own feelings.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
You may do or not do all these things because you're afraid of the consequences, sure, like a breakup or someone being mad at you or losing a client. But in the end, it is your decision how you respond, react, or handle yourself. When we are not true to ourselves and we betray ourselves, is when we end up resentful.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
It's ultimately misplaced and misdirected outrage and upset because the only person you should be upset with is yourself. I know that's really hard to swallow down, but taking responsibility for your choices completely frees you from the ball and chain around your ankle. You can actually let go of the tether, keeping you stuck on the person
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
that you are resentful towards or the offense that you are resentful about. Releasing resentment allows you to be completely free from all those things, letting the go of the old stuff and preventing anything new to be resentful about. It is totally liberating and completely life-changing. Imagine just for a moment what it would feel like to free yourself from that heavy load,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
from that burden and just live. So here is my trademarked three-step process for getting through this. And I recommend that you write this all down, pen to paper it, and journal it out. You asked and I listened. You want more resources to start applying my advice. So I created three programs to help you level up the most important areas of your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Self-devoted to master health, fitness, and self-care. Self-satisfied to create the relationships you want in your life. And self-made to transform your money mindset and build wealth. If you choose all three of my self-centered programs with the bundle option... I'll bonus you the Daily Journal, which is the most effective tool for creating true transformation in your life.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
It's the belief that someone has wronged you in some kind of way that's unjust. This could stem from feeling overlooked, undervalued, or taken advantage of. It's about not having your needs met or considered and that you're not really being valued or prioritized the way you feel that you should be.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Visit my website at hillarisilver.com forward slash shop to check them out. Number one, list the offense. What is this all about? What was going on at the time that this all happened? Just describe the situation. Step two, at the time that this all went down, what did you do? Did you speak up? Did you not speak up? Take responsibility for that. What was your role here?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
If you didn't speak up, this is on you. If you bit your tongue, went along with it, go with the flow kind of a thing, you have to fully own it and you have got to figure out how you're going to make this right. It is never too late to speak up.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
but it's not okay to blame someone else for them getting their way when you didn't oppose or for doing something over and over when you never let them know how you feel about it. If you did speak up, what happened at the time? How did it go down? Did you not speak up loud enough, clearly enough? Did you not make yourself clear? Did you speak up but then give in in the end?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Did you allow yourself to be bullied? Did you speak up and then you were dismissed or disregarded? Just get honest with yourself about what happened that you ended up not getting what you needed or wanted. Step three. Now here are just two possible options for how to handle this. One, if you can, go back to that person and share your truth now. It can sound like this.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
I know I agreed to all of this, but it isn't working for me. I'm just not happy with this arrangement. Or I know I said yes, so that is on me and it's my role, but I'm not happy, so let's figure something else out. And I feel like there is more to say or and at the time I thought I would be okay with it and I wanted to be okay with it, but I'm not.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Share why you ultimately made the choice that you did. Take responsibility for that and then offer to renegotiate. Because if you blame the other person, you're going to get gridlock and a power struggle and they will get defensive and it will go nowhere. But if you go into that conversation owning your role
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
and taking responsibility for your choices, you are going to get a lot further in the negotiation process and in the resolution and reconciliation with this person that you are in a relationship with. Or if you did get what you needed from this person at the time, like an acknowledgement or an apology for something they did, but you're still holding onto it, it's time to let it go.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Just stop holding onto it because it's making you feel like shit and it is toxic for you, your health, and your relationships. Resentment is victimy. It's powerlessness. It's murdery. And that is the lowest level energy and vibrational state that you can be in. And like attracts like. So the longer you stay in this state, it only hurts you.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
You will attract other low vibe people and experiences into your life. And it repels all your big goals and dreams and desires and wishes and anything that it is that you want from coming into your life. And it just compounds your misery. Misery loves company, right? We know that. So letting this all go opens you up frees you to let in all kinds of high vibe things to come your way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
And then you tie it all up with a pretty little bow of powerlessness, like you're not in a position or that you're able to say or do anything about it. So it quietly stews and simmers beneath the surface. Sometimes you don't even realize that you're resentful until it starts to affect how you think feel, or act towards this other person.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
The Harsh Truth About Resentment & How To Let It Go
Friendships, romance, opportunity, connection, wealth. So remember, it's up to you. You can choose to never experience feeling resentful ever again when you always speak up for yourself and make sure you are seen and heard and represented. The self-centered way gives you all the power to have the life you want. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
People often say to me, you're so disciplined. I'm mostly sure they intend it to be a compliment and that they mean well, but to be honest, I kind of feel insulted by it and it really just could not be further from the truth. In this episode, I'm sharing why self-discipline is the anti-hero.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
I thought it required self-discipline, checking all the boxes, doing all the things for my kids and my house and my business and myself, like what I eat or drink, what workouts I do. So when I would fall short, which would happen quite often, I would very easily fall into self-criticism and punishment, mostly around parenting and fitness for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
That's the stuff that would just literally keep me up at night, berating myself for missing the mark or messing up. or not being patient enough or available enough, when I would eat too much or drink too much or mishandle a situation. Can you relate?
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
That's because when you think about it, discipline is what we do to people or dogs when they misbehave, when they act poorly, break rules, or don't perform, whether it's a child or an employee, and we put them on a performance plan, right? We punish with consequences. Self-discipline is just that, punitive, withholding, restricting, harsh, limiting.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
It's really not the superpower quality that we think it is when it comes to sticking to a plan or following through and what it is that is so much better and that allows me to stay super fit, especially at 52, while also running an eight-figure company and juggling family life too, so that you too can achieve and maintain whatever it is that's important to you without needing self-discipline.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
So if being in this state of deprivation is what's required to succeed, we are all destined to fail. How long can you actually go without having something? doing something, eating something, enjoying something before you give in, and then not feeling good about ourselves until we get that thing that we want or to maintain the thing that we have.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
It's only a matter of time before we rebel even against ourselves. And then we end up eating things we're not allowed to eat on the diet or overdoing it with food or drink because we've been deprived for so long, binge shopping after restricting the spending so rigidly, those types of things.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
So while self-discipline was keeping me in line and accountable to look and feel a certain way, it really was coming at a high cost. My relationship with myself was conditional. Hillary, I will love and accept you so long as you meet these high standards. And if you don't, you will pay the price. You will suffer your own recrimination, condemnation, and consequences.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
So can you see why self-discipline is just not a healthy, sustainable way to approach anything in life. We have this one relationship with ourselves, and for it to be condemning, conditional, unrelenting is not self-loving.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
So in many of my previous episodes, you've heard me talk about the difference between what we do and how we do it, and that how we do the things that we do is a very critical and key determining factor in whether all the things that we're so busy doing are actually successful. But the why we do what we do matters just as much.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
If you are doing all that you are because you will emotionally pay the price for not doing it, that isn't good. That you will face your own rejection and recrimination and hostility or judgment is If you fall short is no way to live. And again, it's only a matter of time before you rebel against your own rules and tyranny. We are in a relationship with ourselves.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
It is the only constant, guaranteed, reliable relationship in life, the one you have with yourself. And so it is the most important and valuable relationship that we have. Yet, most of us have a very dysfunctional, if not abusive, relationship with ourselves. We say things to ourselves we would not dare to say to anyone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
This is why it doesn't feel like a compliment to me when people say I'm so disciplined. It feels like they're saying I'm controlled. I'm rigid. I'm uptight. I'm limiting and restricting and I'm no fun at all. And that I have some superhuman power to stick to it because I'm good at denying myself. Ew.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
So 10 years ago, when I decided I no longer wanted to have that kind of a relationship with myself, I changed how I think about what I do and how I'm doing it and why I'm doing it to change the way I talk to myself and
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
and truly become my own biggest champion, my own ally and advocate and confidant and supporter and friend as I would to somebody else or my own child, to be on my own side, to get my own back and to stop treating myself so harshly. So the shift was from doing things from a place of self-discipline to doing things from a place of self-devotion. We often think about the word devotion as relational,
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
like how we are with someone else and how they are to us. Think about it. A partner who is fully devoted to you is all in with you. They pick you, fight for you. They have your back. They see you and care for you, and they're fiercely committed and loyal to you. Now apply that same sentiment to how you are with yourself. Feel that for just a minute.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
To be fully devoted to yourself first and having a relationship with yourself that is loyal acknowledging, fiercely loyal, and committed. It's being all in with yourself. You fight for yourself and you choose yourself. Again, all in with you. The way we dream about or desire having someone be with us, the way we would do for someone else.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
Having a deep commitment to you as you would to someone you actually love. Because devotion feels good and lights you up, You approach the daily tasks in life that support the goals and desires with joy, so you're able to follow through consistently without all the heaviness that makes it feel like a chore. You're not fighting against yourself. You're working with yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
Discipline is scarcity-based. I have to. Devotion is abundance-based. I get to. It's really the antithesis to self-discipline, self-devotion. So when I go out to dinner and I don't order a second glass of wine, it's not because I'm depriving myself and I'm being a rigid rule follower and that I only get one and I can't cut loose and have fun.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
It's because I know when I have more than one, I feel better. horrible. I get a buzz for a minute, but then all I want to do is sleep. I want to pass out. And then I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't fall back to sleep. And then I'm headachy in the morning. Being devoted to myself means I don't order another one. Not because I don't love myself, but because I do.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
and I don't go to the gym and work out every day to punish myself because of something I ate yesterday. Raise your hand if you've ever said, I have to work out because I ate like crap yesterday. That is not self-love. That is self-punishment, having to redeem yourself for what you ate yesterday. I go to the gym because I love that time that I spend with myself there.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
I've got my music in and I'm inspired and I get to move my body and connect with myself. It really is my happy hour. And I'm devoted to myself, so I go because it's important to me. And here's the thing that logic states. If something is important to you, then it's important because you're important.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
So all the things that I do in my life from what I eat and drink and my workouts so that I can look and feel the way I want to all the way to my other yeses and nos and how I show up in my life is from a place of devotion to me. I do it or I don't only if it's affirming to me loving towards me, supportive of me, what's best for me.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
It's me taking care of me as opposed to making me do something that doesn't feel good, is inauthentic or harmful to me. And this means that all the things I do now are actually easier to follow through on because I want to, not because I have to or else. So when you're thinking about the new year, new me and all the resolutions that you have in mind or
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
achieving anything that you want for yourself. Promise yourself this, that you will follow through because you love yourself and you are devoted to yourself. If you want to lose the weight or get fit, do all the things you need to do from a place of devotion. Want to build a business? Don't force yourself.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
Be devoted to your vision and the life that you want to create and show up because you are devoted to yourself. Self-devotion is not self-discipline. Try that on and see how it feels, and I'll see you next time.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. 10 years ago, I made a very important decision that completely changed my life. It changed what I do, how I do it. It changed the choices I make, how I express myself, what I say yes and no to. It literally changed everything about my life in the best possible way.
The Hilary Silver Podcast
How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit
And that is what I'm going to share with you today, because it's a shift in your thinking that will make everything you do way more meaningful and easier too. I was approaching my life and all the things I was doing from a place of being disciplined, to live up to my own expectations and standards, to hit my goals, and just to be the woman I wanted to be.