Jackie Schimmel
Appearances
Barely Famous
Say You'll Remember Me with Abby Jimenez
Hello, my name is Jackie Schimmel. I'm the host of the Bitch Bible Podcast. If you've never listened to the Bitch Bible Podcast, I genuinely feel terrible for you. Because up until this moment, you haven't really been living or experiencing true, untethered, unhinged, morally flexible joy infiltrating your ear canals on a weekly basis. The good news is there's still time for you, Katie.
Barely Famous
Say You'll Remember Me with Abby Jimenez
Buckle up, buttercup, because I'm about to take you on a real bender for pop culture musings, aggressive social commentary, both piping hot and barely lukewarm takes, plus charisma for days. Make sure you listen to the Bitch Bible podcast because objectively and unbiasedly, in my very humble opinion, it's the best podcast you will ever listen to.
Barely Famous
Say You'll Remember Me with Abby Jimenez
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll guffaw, you'll be appalled. And guess what, Katie? You'll just keep coming back for more. So go listen to the Bitch Bible podcast available wherever you get your podcasts. You're welcome.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I just don't think that's the thing that people should aspire to get attention for. I agree. Granted, I'm gorgeous. You're like, don't get it wrong. I just want you to know, if you're not watching the video, I also happen to be super cute.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
You will get a boner that will go through your windshield. However, no, I have met like some of the most beautiful people in the world that I think are fucking busted because they're so boring. And especially nowadays in 2022. I think we really need to prioritize like some fucking personality and opinions. Because I'm bored with everybody on the fucking internet. It's called shelf life. Have fun.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
OK, but I lived in off campus housing like I somehow was able. It was a different time. I was able to get to the UCLA like roommate housing site. What? Yeah. And I lived with all UCLA students like in an off campus like housing place. Okay. Establish.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
okay jackie shimmel welcome to color daddy oh are we on we're on oh fuck yeah i figured we have henry um leo can you maybe come in richard richard oh my god richard come here treats wait look at his body i it baffles me he's so low to the ground it's crazy look at his body type like how do you explain his body type i would get you a camera come here leo get your ass over here come here bitch
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
You know what? I Photoshop didn't exist back then, but I did have the paint app humble brag. So you created a fake diploma from UCLA. I had gone to community college for literally one day and, Couldn't have been, like, less interested. I was like, this is terrible. I graduated high school with a 1.8 GPA. Wow. It's, like, my favorite thing to drop in.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
burlap pants what are burlap pants you know like when you go to like a sad live laugh love wedding and they have like those burlap tablecloths at the cocktail hour yeah yeah you're wearing them oh yeah like I get that that looks like beach house vibes actually they're Gucci fuck off
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
No. No concern that, like, you wouldn't get a job? No. I wasn't, like, thinking that far ahead. I kind of just figured, like, I'll just, like, get in there and, like, you know. Whatever.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's actually quite an accomplishment. You basically have to fail everything. It's like straight D's. It's like D's and C's. Yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
For one day. Could not be bothered. I was like, this is not my fucking journey. So I actually lied to my parents for like a year and said that I was going to college. And I doctored. That's how I got my paint app Photoshop skills. I was faking report cards. And my parents were like very hands off. They trusted me way too much. Like they like weren't asking questions.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
They weren't like, how was like, they just didn't ask. What the fuck were you doing during this time? You know, There was this amazing cheese shop downtown. I was cooking. I was eating. I was drinking boxed wine. I was like going on walks. I was I don't know what you didn't have a job. No. And then eventually I while I was lying to my parents, I got an internship.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
So then I and then lied to them and said I was graduating college, but I was only a sophomore. And then they offered me a job. And that just kind of started kick started my fraudulent life.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Like, whoa. Well, I only was lying to like human resources or like people like super high up that I wasn't with every day. So like every by the way, I have no fucking chill. I am like the most I have borderline Tourette's where I have to tell everyone everything all the time. Right. So I think that's – it was a real learning curve. But everyone that I was working with, like, kind of knew.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Kind of knew. Interesting. And then HR didn't. No. And it didn't really cause a problem until I started working at, like, a really –
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
you know esteemed financial institution where they did this little thing called hot tip employment verification so part of that is they call all the admissions offices and then they like confirm your degree and what happened well the good news is that i was in charge of employment verification so i just kept taking mine and putting it at the bottom of the list stop and then did you ever get caught no
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
What would be the worst that could happen? Oh no, I'd get fired from my receptionist gig at the financial institution where it was miserable all day.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I think that I'm myself all the time. And I like myself. And I understand that not everyone is going to fuck with me. And that's totally cool.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I don't think I'm the prettiest person in the entire world. I don't think I'm necessarily that smart. I don't think I'm the funniest person. I don't think any of those things about myself. I'm just happy I get to do the thing as me. Because what else am I going to be? Miserable? I'm going to wake up and be like, God damn it, Jack. You need veneers. Whatever. Who cares? That's such a waste of time.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Let's talk about the real reason you're here today.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Okay. Yeah. I have known Morgan and love her dearly for years and years. A very good friend. And I know that when Morgan assassinated the ankle boot. In early November of 2022. I can close my eyes and envision what she was talking about. I think she's thinking of like a round toe, Louboutin, chunky heel, like club rat, one oak shoe. Oh, okay.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I do. Don't you podcast for a living? Yeah, but I don't do video.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I will say as a woman with very long femurs, I'm talking about myself. and gorgeous sculpted chins, talking about myself, that I look very good in an ankle boot. dare I say, stunning leg porn OnlyFans.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I do suffer with dermatitis on my legs, so I'm working on it. But... I fuck with an ankle boot. Now, Morgan has since specified. Let's call her. I want to call her.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
What's going on with the flowers in here? It's so bad. Like what's happening? What is this? Let me just be so clear. Why are they so erect? Speaking of Midwest cocktail hour.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I was just going to use that as a counter argument. Oh, oh, oh. I literally, Morgan Stewart, I was just going to say, as someone with gorgeous shins, you know how Isabel Marant does that little dip in the front? That little dip dip?
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I would never wear a heeled ankle boot.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I would wear like a western style ankle boot with like a little bit of a heel. Yeah. But not like a stiletto ankle boot. I agree. Of course not. Now I could never. I mean, even if I was, I would lie about it. Right, of course. Because I don't want Morgan to harass and bully me.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I know. I've been screaming about ankle boots. Hold on. Oh, I'll put this in the cute cup. Oh, wow. Paper straws. I'll give you a fucking hot take. Fuck the turtles. I like plastic straws. Although I actually agree with you in terms of- By the way, I love that that's like the most controversial thing you could ever say.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I was at like a fucking dinner and I said something like, it was like an influencer dinner. We don't, we'll never talk about it again. I'm so embarrassed. You went to one of those? I only went to one and then I got like basically kicked out. And I said something about like bring back the plastic straws. And it was like, I had just said, like I had done like a hail Hitler or something.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Like it was like- It was like the whole, like there was like a rogue wave of shame and disappointment. And these girls were like, that's just like not cool. And I'm like, I can't make a joke about plastic straws. I cut them up when I'm done to save little baby Franklin. You know, Franklin. Of course I know.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Oh yeah. How about that? Let's like tackle bigger issues. Yeah. Yeah. You think you're superior because you, Suck out of a paper limp dick straw that's compostable. Yeah. Me too. I love it.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
What was that vision? Can we just get some, like, hot pink orchids? Okay. Aren't you rich?
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I think a mean girl is probably someone that's dealing with insecurities and therefore is deeply threatened and put off by people who feel like it highlights what they dislike about themselves. I think a mean girl is someone who projects a very different version of themselves to the public.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And then, you know, behind closed doors is just like spewing mad shit that says nothing about the other person. It's all about them or someone who someone who can't be friends with someone who's doing better than them is a fucking mean girl. I completely agree with I think every single or dude dudes are the same way. It's it takes like if you can't.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
be happy for someone that's doing better than you or or has something that you want and there's not a there should never be a sting yeah i don't feel like there should be a lingering sting i i agree with you and i something i was thinking about was like i agree with you on the mean girl thing i think there's like such a deep-rooted insecurity and there it almost feels like there's this underlying like anger in them everybody deals with like feeling like they're not enough or they're not
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
funny it's smart successful whatever it is everybody has those feelings you need to buck up grab your vagina and differentiate that how you're feeling has no merit to what other people are doing you need to be like this yeah you need to like What do you do? Like, I just find that to be it's so embarrassing.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's a bonding technique. A it's therapeutic. Yeah. And it's really not that big of a fucking deal.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
um i think like in any situation you have to get ahead of it and like directness is always the best way it throws people off especially you get one of those kinds of girls that's like really trying to like whip and nay nay and like fuck you up you're like you want to dance let's start fencing like the parent trap like you want to play let's fucking play i'll stab you right in the eyeball we're not doing this dance
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
So I like to nip shit in the bud and let them know what time it is. Like I'm I see we're watching a different movie. You're watching Mean Girls and I'm watching Poltergeist. You know what I mean? Like I do not.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's like an urn. It's like a sad, low-bud Shiva in here.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And there's something that's so off-putting about being very brazen in a conversation when you can feel that someone's trying to mince you and put you into a corner to say something so you look stupid or embarrass you. Just you just lean the fuck in. Go harder. And humor diffuses everything and is like the ultimate like it's just it's the card. It's the card that always fucking wins. You're right.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
You're right. So you can diffuse anything and say exactly what you need to and make it like light and fluffy and not drama because I don't play that game either. There's nothing more cringe and embarrassing. You don't be the girl crying at a dinner because like Katie from Milwaukee hurt your feelings because she doesn't like your ankle boots.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
making it about me no literally i i get what you're saying just like take control of the narrative yeah make it funny and be unbothered how do we make it funny How do you make it funny? I think you get ahead of it. I think like self-deprecation always really works. Yep. But like if someone said.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's probably because I have herpes, but like, I'll just like kill him tonight.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
What do you think is a character flaw of yours? Oh, without a doubt, no hesitation. I can lack empathy. I can be very, very unempathetic towards myself and towards everybody else. I don't have like an amazingly large sensitivity chip. So sometimes now I've learned to just fake it a little bit. Because it's the best I can do. But I don't really have like the threshold.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
To sit at a lunch and like hear my girlfriend complain about her boyfriend over and over. Right. And then they break up and then they get back and then she hates him and then this happened and then that happened. I have little to zero empathy for like, and even things that are worse than that. Like I'm a little desensitized.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
You like this. I don't understand what's happening with your floral concept. Oh, why? Richard, it's okay. It's anxiety. It's okay.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Do you think that comes more with like experience and age? I think it comes from a lot of things. I think I'm like predisposition to just be like that. I've kind of always been like that, which is terrible. And then I've like been through shit. I lost my mom pretty suddenly. I like I've been through like a lot of like seemingly traumatic events. And I don't use those like as a clue.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
crotch yeah i don't know i just i and you're not supposed to do this you're never supposed to like compare like traumas or tragedies but like i would i just i think that a lot of complaining is so um counterproductive
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Oh, my God. And then like, I mean, you'll get friends that that call you that need to talk about like something that is so trivial. And if you're someone who doesn't like I and I'm working on it, but I would I'm not someone who like leans on people. I try. I've been better about it. But like, I don't like attention for sad stuff.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
uh-huh I get that I have a hard time understanding and comprehending and like being a pillar of support for people who are so comfortable getting attention for sad stuff you know I think it's also there's a lot of people that find like
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Yeah. I think that he... Yeah, my husband definitely like feels close and wants to share and wants... And I'm... I just... I've worked on it a lot. I still have a lot of room to grow because it's just not my thing. Like it is not my default setting. It is so uncomfortable for me. I get like just I'm just like icked by it.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I'm a self processor and I just it's where I do the clearest thinking and healing and I get defensive sometimes even with friends because I feel like they it validates them for me to dump or to.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
you know emotionally it validates the relationship or that i'm turning to them or i'm leaning on them and maybe that's me being like up and guarded which it could be but i don't need to do that so i don't want to do that
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I mean, it really is like case by case. And I think that people who are like going through like a very difficult time should know that literally everything is temporary. Like everything in the world is temporary. And for me, I was I like went through like a really weird time where I was just like my whole world was shook. Like everything I thought I knew was different.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Like everything like every security anchor was gone. And I was like free balling. And I was like, what the fuck? So in those situations, whether you're grieving or not grieving. like and your life is uprooted and you're in transitional periods, it's like you either sink or you swim. But for me, stagnant is not an option. So obviously, like I go through so many things.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's okay, Richard. Don't fucking embarrass me.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's like a random Tuesday where you're just like crying in a car and you're like, what the fuck? I've always used humor to deal with everything. It makes everything easier. And for people who don't understand, I totally get it. I've got friends that are like, you're so fucking weird. This is so dark. What is wrong with you? I understand that too. For me, I've always used it.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It makes everything easier to digest. It's not like it's not deflective coping. It's kind of like It is what it is. Right. You know what I mean? And I would say like you kind of have to make like an internal decision. Are you going to sink? Are you going to swim? For me, my whole agenda when my mom died, my throat's closing up. You're like, can I drink my juice? I'm sweating.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Am I allowed to put my feet on here? Please, it's fine. Thank God.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Do you have any vodka? When I like really got in the mindset where I was like, I don't want attention for, I don't want to walk into a room and get like the loose clutch on my shoulder of people being like, how are you doing? How's your dad? And are you okay? And your mom loved you. I'm like, no shit, bitch. I know my mom loved me. She hated you. Like, you know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Like you start getting in that mode where it's like, Now people, your whole identity is like you're walking around with a black veil. Some people love that. We call them grief groupies. This is the problem. There are human beings who are finally getting attention and they fucking love it.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
So you go through something terrible and then everyone feels bad for you and then everyone shows up with the casseroles. And you feel like you got a little gold validation sticker on your fucking forehead. That's where you get into a weird rhythm of being the victim. That's not the vibe because that has an expiration date.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And then everybody goes back to work in three months and everyone fucking forgot because it's no longer relevant to you. Still very relevant to all the other people. Doesn't matter. So I think like you have to. I just always said that I was going to like commemorate. my mother's life with living the fuck out of mine. It doesn't mean that you don't have terrible days.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It doesn't mean you don't feel sad or you miss them. That's always going to exist. But what like why would you not want it
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
want to experience your like why wouldn't you want to just have a good day when you can have a fucking good day and a lot of that is about like emotional boundaries and people who don't who don't serve you like it's it becomes like this whole aftershock wave you have to kind of just like dial it in and do the best you fucking can yeah it's it's really i don't even i feel like i haven't said anything no no but i i think you said so much and it's helpful to hear because it's just a decision
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
No, he does this all the time. It literally is like he gets overwhelmed. We went to the Bahamas a couple years ago and he was in such emotional distress that we left him that he had like a whole anxiety condition. We almost put him on Prozac.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
separating your own self from then what happened if that makes any fucking sense thousand percent but also still knowing like that's your parent and you like it's it's it's and there's so many layers to grief and like every instance is different all i can say is that you just have to like make a conscious decision that you're not gonna walk around with a vigil candle and a fucking deli platter and shiva flowers like alex cooper
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
This is why I was triggered. You're literally like, do you know how many funerals I've been to with the sad fucking deli platters? I can't even go to a valley deli anymore because I've been to so many fucking funerals and the Jews love deli platters. And then you're like, can you imagine you just put a family member in the ground and then you're making like a pastrami sandwich?
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And then you look around and you see these urns and the fucking shitty ass Ralph's flowers. It's terrible.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Everything happens for a reason. Thank you. Thank you, Katie. Have fun with your mom. Like, shut the fuck up. Don't do not anything that is on some spiritual religious bumper sticker. Don't you fucking dare drop that shit. Don't do it. When you see a butterfly, don't say, yes, I could tell that was your mom. I fucking hate butterflies.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I swear to God, I saw a rainbow yesterday and I knew it was your mom. I was like, do you want to get hit? Do you want to get hit? Do you want to get hit? This is helpful. It's a sign. Oh, she did this for you. So when I bought my house, this is like a whole other conversation. I found my house. It was unlisted. It was off market. My realtor calls me. He's like, hey, there's this house.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's coming for sale. I only wanted to buy it in this one neighborhood. Whatever. So I go to the house. I break in. It was vacant. The guy was dead. Whatever. Whatever.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
broken through the back the guy's dead inside no thank god he had died went to hospice in texas dead out fine vacant so i like you know jimmied my way in and i was like oh my god i love this house so i'm talking to my grandparents and they said oh how's how's your guys's house hunt coming and i'm like oh it's it's good i think i found a house today we're gonna put an offer and they're like which house is it we used to live in that neighborhood
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And I give them the address, and it was my mother's childhood home. So I now live in my mother's childhood home. Okay. I did not know. I had never been there because when my grandparents, like, lived in a different state, we never went there. Right. I wasn't alive. Right. So that automatically made me hate the house because I was like, oh, my God, that's so weird.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Now it's going to be, like, this whole, like, butterflies and rainbows and, like, Bashar bullshit. I'm like, I'm not dealing with it. Oh, my God. Okay. So I then got into like a severe bidding war where I had to basically bankrupt the entirety of our bank accounts to get this fucking house because I loved it so much. It was locked up in probate, blah, blah, blah.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It took me like a year to get this fucking house. Very ruthless bidding war. So I overpaid by like an obscene amount of money that I can't even really say out loud because it would be alienating and disgusting.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Whatever. So I get into this house. I have my family over for like the first holiday. And every single motherfucker looks at me with that fucking hand, with that loose little grip, the little shoulder grip in the upper lip quiver and says, your mom got you this house. Your mom brought this house to you. And I'm looking at them and I'm thinking to myself, I've had to spread my legs out.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
metaphorically behind a microphone and hawking every product under the sun on Instagram like a shameless, ruthless prostitute for years so that I could buy this house because I bought the house. I wanted to buy the house. Me. I bought the house. Bled my bank accounts dry and you have the nerve to tell me that this bitch, my dead mother, brought me the house?
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
If that was the case, I would have fucking inherited it. I would have bought it before the pandemic when the housing market was a little more stable.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Okay, you know what's so funny? I don't even know if you remember this. We met during the pandemic in person, and we had DM'd a couple times. Now, I didn't know who you were, but I knew that you and your ex... partner had this show.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
okay how dare you and i it took everything in me i was clutching my martini glass like with a white knuckling it and i just wanted to bash it over everyone's head and i even said to my dad i'm like if one more says to me that my dead mom got me this house i'm gonna lose somebody's gonna die in this house and then the property value will really plummet
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And we'll have to borrow your flowers for the Shiva.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I'm not taking them. I hate them. These are real. These are real. Okay. We couldn't go low and tight. Had to go. Couldn't go low and full.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Please. Just shut the fuck up. Just be like, this sucks so bad. I'm so fucking sorry. This is terrible. Like, what do you, what can I do? Okay. That's what I was going to say.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
please don't I had it was so funny like I had a friend that would like weaponize like my grief like it wasn't like I wasn't like like I wasn't like coming to her to cry like I was going to other people and then she like said do you not like feel comfortable with me or do you not like feel close to me and I'm like
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
you're literally the worst like you're making this about you how are we you suck so bad and honestly like i should send her an edible arrangement because i need to thank her because she made the whole experience like so diffusive because i was like oh wow like you just took me out of my grief because now i just want to fucking headbutt you because you're so stupid wait like what what do you mean how is this how did we make this about you what movie are you what what it was like i had a stroke i was like poor qua do i need to like
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
do i need to apologize to you because i'm not like sad enough for you yeah i think that's the wrap of up of that is like if it's if it's not your shit shut just just literally you don't need to like not talk about like it's not like that it's just like read just let the person read the room do their thing yes thank you and that's totally okay that is such an extreme place of privilege to not understand and i honestly think that's amazing and you should just like run with that it's
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
fabulous you lucky son of a bitch but yeah it's like an it's an extreme it's an extreme tier of privilege to like not understand that that level and that's cool too totally but if acknowledge you don't know it and so don't act like you have any fucking comprehension of what happened I love when like a friend who was like I know like I lost my my pet kitty when I was three and I was like cool
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I had heard of Caller Daddy and then you had DM to me a couple of times, I think, or maybe maybe your ex partner had DM to me a couple of times and I ignored them because I'm a lovely person. And then somehow during the pandemic, I think we started talking on Instagram. Yes. and following each other, and then like so annoying, met up, became like internet friend, and then did a podcast swap.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Oh, my God. My grandpa was like literally I was prepared for him to die for like 12 years. My parents were like, listen, grandpa's like not super healthy, like totally overweight, like had a terrible lifestyle. They told me this when I was seven. That fucker hung around till I was like 25. It became like a bit in my family. I was like, you're still here. I've been prepared for years.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I grew out of my fucking funeral dress. No, you're so right. I have one black outfit. I don't even fit in it anymore, Grandpa. Jesus Christ, you're melting the clock. Turn.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
He'd need a much bigger urn. He was a very obese man. It would take up the whole room.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I'm too cool for a Zimmerman midi dress. Like I've evolved. Jesus, this is funny. Okay. Okay, give it to us. Well, I was attending a baby shower.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And I was trying to find something. Like I found this dress. It was a Zimmerman dress. It had like a molded cup balconette with a cutout. Oh.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
pockets she loves pockets i love pockets love okay and it was in my size i didn't have to wear a bra i looked cute like i had just had a parasite so i was very gaunt you were like winning like literally my clavicle was protruding and i had like an upper rib cage thing because i was shitting out my colon
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
That's unrefrigerated. The guy did not get that at all. He was like, pardon? I was like, never mind. I'll just have the brands, you know. OK, so you're gaunt. You're ready with your dress. I was ready to rumble. I found this dress. I had it hooked in the back of my car. And I have a convertible. And I was doing a bathroom renovation. I'm very hands-on with my renovations. I love the Home Depot.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It makes me feel alive. Insecure girls. Go to Home Depot. Wear something tight and sexy. You will get accosted.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Give me a 12. If you go to a Valley Home Depot, you've got better odds. You go to like anything off the 405. It kind of depends. It's all about geography.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Canoga Park, Home Depot. You'll never feel anything like it. So you're saying you go there and you feel the hottest, most beautiful version of yourself. It is the Victoria's Secret fashion show reboot at the Home Depot before 10 a.m. When all the contractors are there, like there's no like women like, you know, you're you're it. That's it. So I was there at about seven thirty five in the morning.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I know. Rise and grind. OK, she's got literally grinding with contractors in aisle four. And I was in a bike short looking so cute, sawing my own fucking trim. I needed like one piece of trim for a door. I was trying to wrap it up, you know. And the trim was very long.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
So I figured the only way I could fit it in my car was to put my top down and shimmy it in the front so it could hang out the back. Okay.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
In your convertible. In my convertible. This is like Final Destination shit, okay? So in the transportation of my trim piece, I had the dress hooked on the back, okay? Okay. And I'm driving on the freeway and I'm holding the trim because I didn't really feel like having it. God forbid. I mean, honestly, in hindsight, I wish that that trim would have fucking...
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
hightailed it out of the car and like punctured the car behind me and i could have kept the dress because i didn't have something to wear to the shower i couldn't find anything okay i'm holding the trim i'm driving like cursing the day that my husband was born because he's like off at a trip somewhere and i'm just schlepping lumber literally schlepping lumber
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And I look behind me and I all of a sudden like I'm driving and I just see like a pink like like a pink parachute rising into the sky off the 101 freeway at 734 in the morning. And I'm like, huh? I look behind. It was like slow-mo. I see my fucking dress catch wind. and fly the fuck out of my car, okay? So now I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. What do I even do?
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I mean, you would never do this with Hailey Bieber.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
So I call highway patrol. I get off the freeway. I didn't even know who to call. I literally was like, I have a dress. It was $850 by the way, okay? Tags attached. Glad I did, you know,
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
it wasn't my journey aesthetically but it was an expensive dress that I never got to fucking wear and it was sold out in the size I needed because everyone kept sending me the certain sizes I needed a two two for the tits two for the tits sold out So I pull over on the side of the road. I'm now like pilfering through bushes. You get out of your car. I kind of I did a little peruse.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I did a little peruse. But then I thought, you know what? I called the highway patrol. They're going to return it like they're going to get a dry clean for me. I had a massage. What world are you living in? I don't know. I listen. I live in suburbia. I figured, listen, I call these guys. I'm like, I have a dress that flew out of my car. I feel like they get called. Abusing.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
She would have fresh florals. The urns would be put away.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Could you guys do one of those zigzags, you know, where you shut the freeway down during rush hour? I'm like, it has cutouts and pockets. It's like so cute. It's so good. It's so hard for me to find a dress where I don't have to wear a bra. Your boy.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
they're like ma'am you're like no no size i'm like i just like i don't know like should i pull over on the right like i don't know like i just feel like this is like a safety breach i've already been like sexually harassed at home depot i'm not trying to like get picked up and what are they saying i mean they were laughing of course As we all are now, Jackie. We were laughing.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Like, we were having a good time. Like, here's where I live. Like, there's a dry cleaner's down. I was, like, making all the jokes. You know what I mean? So I thought, 100%. They're going to pick it up, drop it off. So then I, like, you know, I had to deliver my trim pieces. I've got guys on the clock, OK? I'm not fucking around. And this is also relatable and likable.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Daddy gang is going to love this. Then I had a massage and I, so my phone was in my locker, whatever. And I had posted all of these stories in one of the stories that I had posted on Instagram. You can see the dress off the freeway. You can see its exact location. like under a fence, under a pickup truck that was parked on the side of the road. Like it's like behind you while you're filming.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
You can see the pink. Someone spotted it. I missed it. Yeah. So all of a sudden I'm getting like so many messages of people circling like, I see where your dress is. I see where your dress is. I knew exactly where it was. I get back in my car. I drive back. It's not there.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
The next day, the dress in my size, tags attached, sold out everywhere, is available for sale for pickup in the Los Angeles location of the RealReal.com. full price full price i don't like no so some shady fuck honestly love them if you did this i will like please show yourself yeah we respect i respect you i like you i will go to tower bar with you and we'll get raw salmon right there
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I would say that he is reverse pear-shaped. His father is pear-shaped. And he's reverse pear-shaped.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Some shady ass bitch rolled up. Because I was giving like very specific geographics.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I thought someone, like I imagine like a bunch of girls.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
25 to 35 in bitch bible merch and like fucking highway patrol like neon vests with flashlights like searching for this dress that's in my head where i like just hawk and macho with their shih tzus like patrolling the valley for my dress a search and rescue mission you didn't think no i never thought naive that a little cunt yeah was gonna say who And you know who'd do something like that? Me.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Let me tell you something. When I was 18 years old, if I found out some bitch had a Zimmerman dress go airborne off the side of the 101 freeway and it was tags attached for $8.50 and I was eating bagel bites for three weeks, you think I wouldn't be tits deep on the side of the freeway searching for that fucking dress? You are dead wrong. So I can relate and I respect it.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
But you know, as a podcaster, you meet a lot of fucking people. I don't fuck with that many people. I really don't. And you keep coming back around to me. Yeah, I like you.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I will. You're like, well. No, no, no. If this person exposes themselves with receipt, we need a receipt from the real, real. I need like,
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
all like I need a full manila folder to showcase that it's you I will take you to Zimmerman and I will buy you a full outfit it was me Alex we're going to Zimmerman Jackie I know I'm sweating bring the mood down no no I love how when I'm like grief and then you're like no I'm gonna bring it down even more yeah grandpa light your vigil candles
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
What? I need to defend the flowers now. Oh, did you do this? I do them every week. They're one of my greatest prides. They're my takers. A. B. Let me just tell you this. This week I went to both Bristol Farms and Ralph's. Went twice. Bought a pair. Still didn't think they looked good enough. Went back for more. Those pink ones I hate. They're the only ones that I could find.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And it's been a journey. Jordan, let me also defend you.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's not the flowers, it's the vase.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Alex was like, I really want a green vase.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Don't you even look me in the eye and say desperate for a guest or I will shank you in the backyard. Desperate for a guest, Alex Cooper?
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
But you know what? Here's the thing. And if there's one thing that I want to say on Call Her Daddy today is that my vagina is not wide, it is shallow. So for a long... I have a very shallow vagina and I'm a woman of extreme efficiency. So like, I don't understand light girlies. Like you go to fucking CVS and you're getting tampon lights. We already have to deal with the pink tax.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Now I'm having my Gloria Steinem moment.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Oh, we love it. We already have to pay the pink tax. All boxes of tampons are the same price. Okay. So why would you go light when you can go? Okay. Just from a fiscal standpoint. Wait, do you buy the ultras? Fuck yeah. I have fit two ultras inside of me, side by side, like fighter pilot jets. Like fucking Top Gun.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Andrew is pear-shaped. He's 100% pear-shaped. He should know.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And you think about it. OK, you're either like changing lights every 20 minutes or you alter that shit. You're ready to rumble. You could fly to fucking Abu Dhabi. Have you ever bled through an old truck? Fuck yeah. Yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Oh, yeah. Like good. Came out of me. Slid down the mountain.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's coming out. There is. Let me tell you something. I was coming back from Paris a few months ago. And I had an ultra in because I'm, you know, a feminist. And I was going through customs and I thought I was good to go because I did like a mid-flight switcheroo.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And thank God I was wearing a jogger pant with an elastic ankle because something happened during customs where I was like, she is she has left my body and it fell out and it was just pooling at my ankle. Sorry. I know her throat's closing up. This is really disgusting.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
It's not bad. I don't love the chafing element. And speaking of chafing, I'm wearing burlap pants. It's 100 degrees. I feel like I have a white woman's cocktail reception in my vagina. They look great. Burlap. They look great.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And I was like, I was trying to like.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
like tilt my pelvic floor and like kegel it back in but it had it the ultra had left we and so it's sitting at the bottom of essentially the elastic pocket of your jogger and what did you do because customs there ain't no moving you're like i said thank god i had an elastic ankle and i just moved low and slow like i was just like were you with your husband no i was alone
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Which is kind of unfortunate because I would have loved to like have that experience.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Pops out. Where are we going? What am I going to do? Where are we going from here? Do I just like turn a blind eye and like keep on moving with my fucking passport or do I pick it up? Like, I don't know. And I almost wanted to like tell people in the line because I thought it was so hilarious.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Oh, I went, I like, well, I didn't run because I couldn't run, but I did a very slow stroll to the bathroom and yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
I am embarrassed to say that my evolution has been pretty non-evolutionized. Like I have been like kind of the same my whole life. It was just about what I was able to get away with, you know, because like when you do have adhesive headgear and gingivitis and you're like, like things aren't landing the same way when you're in seventh grade as when you're 32. You know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Like it's taken years for me to like, fully be like all caps myself in public but as a kid I was super obnoxious I was annoying as fuck I hated socializing but like I did the thing because I didn't want to be a loser um But I was always like I loved like doing like characters and I was always like doing bits and I was like just annoying as fuck.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Like my parents were like literally go play on the freeway. Like that was like a like I wasn't allowed to be in the house, which is interesting because now I have this like weird thing where I can't be home from 10 to 4. Like I have to be out of the house because I have like this weird like Nell energy about it. And I just don't like festering at home. It makes me feel like a loser.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Where do you go? Anywhere. And I'll sit in parking lots. I don't care. I do not like being home. Wait, what? It's the weirdest thing. Wait, okay, so can you... So as a kid, my parents were like, get the fuck out of the house.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Oh, I would... I mean, self-amusement is truly like... the rhythm of my dance floor like I love being alone I love being untethered I like doing weird shit I don't care I never have cared if other people get it or think it's funny it like you just said it makes it funnier when nobody else understands what's going on
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And like comfortable. And yes, I do have like slight OCD tendencies as diagnosed by a licensed professional. But I feel like so alive and present when I'm by myself. I don't feel like I got to start tap dancing.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
okay bye bye bye guys gotta go no I appreciate that can you explain what gingivitis is and also sure did you have to publicly wear an adhesive headgear no only no no no I didn't but like sleepovers weren't a thing I did have like those rubber bands that like really and unfortunately I've always loved a mixed metal so I would go like gold
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
silver like brackets like on my braces okay so you had gingivitis is a condition a dental medical condition in which you have hypersensitive inflamed gums so I had an allergy to the cement on the braces you know so my gums like I had no teeth it was just gum and metal and then I would have to get my braces off every month which is why I had them for almost five years because I needed to let the gums breathe
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
yeah and they would just bleed constantly i just always i mean bleeding out of my vagina bleeding out of my gums it's a it's a why do i feel like that made you this is so insulting why do i feel like that made you
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Am I a mouth breather? I probably am.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
Oh, yeah. There were so many fluids and I always had a roll on lip gloss to boot. So it was so shiny and so like.
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
i was it was a lot okay so you were a mouth breather yeah you had gingivitis you had a head gear but i was like in on it and i was also hugged a lot as a kid so i was like i would come home like if i ever had like any type of insecurity or like i said that you know like in middle school i wasn't super cute but i had i really like leaned in you got it you got the joke i was like whatever i'm like who wants to be hot in middle school how embarrassing
Call Her Daddy
Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)
And also, like, I, even now, I don't really think, I don't put, like, a lot of weight on how I look. Like, that's not where I get self-esteem at all. Talk about that. Um, I don't know. I mean, I think that, like, I've... I'm lucky that I had a good childhood, and I've always felt pretty secure-ish. And I just have never thought that that was a sustainable way to get self-esteem.