James Cordova

So how can we meet our partner with empathy without abandoning the things that are best for ourselves?

It's such a, in some ways, classic question.

conflict the friction between partners and in some ways it is that cactus fern kind of pattern you know what emily is pointing at is for her going back over the contents of the day sharing the hard things like like she doesn't want to be

alone in her own head and in her own heart with that.

So it really is a bid for connection and to just have some companionship, to invite a friend into that space with her.

And that's not at all an uncommon way to seek connection with others.

For her husband, and this is often gendered in this way,

When I'm done at the end of my day with all the hard things that have gone on and I've found a place to put all of my discomfort internally, going over it again is like re-exposing ourselves to it.

It's like I already put that bit of toxicity away and it can feel like, oh, now you're inviting me to relive it.

It's a way that we learn as men sometimes to avoid

feeling that discomfort a second time.

And I think what we can miss is we don't give ourselves the opportunity to have the experience of actually feeling the connection that can emerge from that.

I guess the advice that I would give is for each of them in that cactus fern way to recognize what the other person needs to feel like, I care about the way that you experience this.

For Emily to be able to understand that it's just always going to be a little bit harder for her husband to step back into talking about things that are experienced as emotionally hard.

He can do it.

But but to care that it's a little bit more challenging and to just express appreciation that, you know, I know I'm asking you to do something

doesn't come naturally to you and for her husband to know and to care like this is one of the most fundamental ways that i can love you this is one of the most fundamental ways that i can make sure that you're getting the love and care the water that sustains you and if i if i refuse to do that

even if you want to be close and connected to me your roots are just gonna dry out right like it's not it's not choiceful it's very much is like taking care of a plant if i'm not if i don't water it enough it is gonna die

For me, the key is to lead with empathy and compassionate understanding for where the other person is coming from.

The accusation is driven by our very good-hearted desire to find a cause for the suffering that we're both experiencing.