James Cordova

and psychologically our first instinct is well you're sitting in front of me you must you must be the cause and it must be inside of you right so it's just good problem solving but that reach for the accusation actually never gets us anywhere i mean if you just you know think about your own experience it actually never gets us anywhere that we're happy to be the key is to reach first for

compassionate understanding.

So let me understand what this is like for you from your perspective.

And that, if I can do that, will soften my heart and sort of open my ears and open your ears a little bit better to understanding where I'm coming from so that we can see how the way that we're both entering this, that we are co-creating this point of friction or this point of pain between the two of us.

And then we can actually collaborate to find a way forward.

Hmm.

I love that question, and I love what Cassandra is talking about, because she really is spot on.

The arising of that experience of, I really don't like this, and the initial spot, the domain of acceptance is, what is showing up for me?

What is arising in my own system, my own experience of discomfort and upset?

I can tell that a button's getting pushed for me.

And that almost always, if we're honest with ourselves, helps us to see the vulnerability that is being brushed up against by the thing that our partner is doing or failing to do.

And so I love Cassandra's sort of example of this is more about what I learned, what I've sort of experienced from my own father's drinking, and that's where my vulnerability is.

And then there's two things.

One is to be able to hold our own vulnerability with just great care and understanding and kindness, not get into a fight with our own vulnerability.

And then we're also in a much better place to be able to share

what's true for us with our partner in that non-blaming way that we were talking about, right?

Like this isn't about something that you're doing that's bad or evil.

This is about a vulnerability that I have that I'm asking you to be aware of and to help me take care of.

So, yeah, eating the blame is a phrase that I've borrowed from the Zen tradition.

And the basic sort of message is that in any moment when something has gone a little bit haywire, when things aren't quite showing up the way that we wish they would, there's some blame to be apportioned.