Love 2.0: How to Fix Your Marriage, Part 1
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Hidden Brain turns 10 this year, and to celebrate, we're bringing the show to cities across the United States and Canada in a live performance. Our next stops are in Baltimore on October 11th, Washington, D.C. on October 12th, and Los Angeles on November 22nd. Join me as I share seven key psychological insights from the show's first decade. For more information and tickets, go to hiddenbrain.org slash tour. That's hiddenbrain.org slash tour. I hope to see you there.
This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. There comes a time in most relationships when people look at the partner sitting across the table from them and think, who is this person? Maybe you don't like the way your partner eats with his mouth open. Maybe you don't like the way she's always working. Maybe you don't like, well, lots of things. At moments like this, a thought crosses our minds. Perhaps we can get our partners to close their mouths while they eat. Perhaps we can get them to have more work-life balance. Perhaps we can change them into a better version of themselves. We know exactly what needs to be done, and we know exactly how to do it. We'll first explain, very politely of course, how our partners are doing things wrong.
We'll show them how they can be better. If they fail to listen, we'll go back and try again. Maybe add a wagging finger, a slightly raised voice. With patience, persistence, and a little punishment, we can get our partners to change their ways. All our troubles will disappear, the flutes of heaven will play sweet music, and we will get to live in the romantic paradise we deserve. Or not. Maybe instead of changing your partner, you end up in mutual recrimination. Instead of the flutes of heaven, you get fights. Instead of change, you get obstinacy. This week on Hidden Brain, and in a companion story on Hidden Brain Plus, we're going to bring you the first episode in a month-long series all about love.
We'll explore the expectations we put on our relationships and how our society's views on romance and marriage have changed over time. We'll also look at the anatomy of a breakup and ways to soften the blow when love comes to an end. That's all to come over the next few weeks as part of our Love 2.0 series.
Today, we kick things off with a deep dive into the art and science of mending troubled relationships. We'll explore a radically different path from the one we usually choose, a path that scientific research shows might actually work.
Love songs and romantic poetry are full of images of two people becoming one in a relationship. But something that makes relationships difficult is that we remain, to some extent, stubbornly ourselves. Not one seamless entity, but two distinctive and sometimes prickly individuals. All of us intuitively know how to fix this problem. The title of a long-running musical that premiered in 1996 captures the experience of many couples. It was titled, I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change. At Clark University, psychologist James Cordova studies the dynamics of relationships. For many years, he has studied a different approach to the one we usually use. James Cordova, welcome to Hidden Brain. Thank you, Shankar.
It's so great to be here. James, I understand that you're a person who loves to josh around and tease people in a humorous way. What happens when you engage this side of your personality with your wife?
That's a great question. So, yeah, I was raised in a community where one of the ways that we show respect like love and affection for each other is just ongoing joshing and teasing of each other. So this is just part of who I am in relationship. And as it turns out, my wife is much too tenderhearted for that kind of ongoing teasing.
I understand that you've sometimes made jokes and you have inadvertently hurt her feelings.
Oh, often. Often. Yeah. No, this was something that, because it comes so naturally to me, it took years for me to really develop a sensitivity in that spot.
I understand this dynamic played out between the two of you once when you went shopping together in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
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