Jarrett Zeller

So I've been thinking a lot about what Kamala Harris would sound like if she was a guy. So I have an impression of Kamala Harris if she was a guy. Please be a good crowd. Please be a good crowd. Hey, shit, man. Hey, man, you know me, man. Hey, man. Hey, man, so, you know, I was walking to the store, man, just giving me some Valentine's Day gifts from my boo thing, Dougie Doug, man.

You know Doug, man. You know my boo, man. And shit, man, no, but fuck, man, shit. No, but, like, I'm looking for some flowers and shit, man, some chocolate. And then I pull up to the dude, right, with my chocolates and my flowers and shit, man, you know, smelling all good and shit, man. And I pull up to the dude, right, and the dude, he was like, All right, bet that'll be $50. I was like, $50?

Hey, yo, what the fuck? Here's an impression of the voice in my head when my jokes don't land the way I want them to. No, no, I am funny. Thank you. All right.

You're great, guys.

Oh, thanks, Tony. You're welcome.

No, just vibes. Just vibes. Just vibes.

Damn, bro, I'm like actually in Texas and shit. That's crazy. Okay. Yeah, but my mom wants to associate herself with being from California, even though she's not. So, like, yeah, I get that, I guess. All right, that was a little deep. Does your mom live in California? No, she just likes to visit a lot. And you visited there a lot? She took me along, yeah. Right. Yeah. There it is.

Two years.

DFW area and College Station Bryan.

This is my second time in Austin at all.

With my mom. She took me... Face the crowd.

Face the crowd, Jared. You're spinning around again. Listen, Tony. All right.

Is your mother's name Susan by a chance? No, but man, it's fucking close. It is. Chloe? Stacey? Stay with the S. But I'm not going to... It's okay.

No, I just recently moved out. This is your first time living on your own? Second time.

The first time I had to move back in with my parents because I hit an 18-wheeler on a motorcycle with no helmet. You were in the motorcycle? I was on it, yeah.

Dude, actually, I mean, yeah. Okay. But maybe it's more now. It is. It has to be.

I don't know, dude. It was honestly, I don't remember. So, like, yeah, that's nice.

Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Because I had the neck brace and the crutches, like, I had to learn how to walk again. So, they had to, like, you know, help me. I had the shower chair. But, you know, all that stuff. Damn. All right. That's it. Yeah. Okay.

You're good looking. No one feels bad for you.

I'm just feeling it, man.

Uh... No.

Shit, I don't remember the mother. Oh, yeah, forget it. Yeah, all right. Yeah, I'm close to my mom, dude. Fuck, I'm, yeah, I don't give a fuck, dude.

Jarrett, what do you do for work? I deliver blood from a blood bank to hospitals. Jesus Christ. Is that it? I feel like they... I don't see what the problem is. I don't... Oh, I see, because I hit a... Okay. All right. All right.

Noting all of this.

I guess Johnny would be a clean joke.

So, I don't know why people keep coming up to me and asking, like... They keep telling me, like, hey, I would never listen to a woman be president. And I'm like, dude... You listen to a groundhog tell you that there's six more weeks of winter.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, man. Three of them signed up tonight. We're all from fucking College Station. They're probably, you know. I feel bad that I'm not representing them accurately, but, like, yeah, they're all, you know.

I don't know, man. I'm just thinking, like, if I'm dressed like I clearly listen to my mom a lot, like, and that's true. So it was like, okay, then the irony, I don't know. Like, I clearly look like I have a terrible black voice, and then it's like.

Well, I mean, that motorcycle accident was pretty fucking crazy. I would say what's crazier is the pity that I thought I was going to get pity fucked after. And she just laid a missionary, and I was in no position to, like, roll her over.

Oh, Fiona. Who was this girl? It was a girl that probably Freud would say reminded me of my mom, but I wouldn't make that argument, no. But she was nice. And then what was crazier?

So, yeah, I was in a neck brace. The doctor said the neck brace stays on during sex. Well, he said it just doesn't come off. And I was like... But I really want to take it off because I was like, you know, and so she she I thought like I was just going to lay there and she instead laid there. And so I had to like.

Yeah. I just felt like I couldn't ask any, I felt like I was in no position to like demand or ask anything. I don't know.

It was awkward, man. Yeah. It sucked. Um, so what happened?

Yeah. So I'm like staring at the wall and shit or, you know, like, well, I'm just like wearing this prison. And so it, It was a lot of work, and I couldn't feel anything in this leg, so, like... And it wasn't like I could go to my physical therapist and be like, hey... You said this was worse than being hit by a truck on a motorcycle.