Jeannie Suk Gersen

I think it's fair to say that most people live marriages.

without thinking about divorce.

In fact, at the height of your love for somebody, when you're really looking forward to the life that you're going to build with this person, that is the best time to start thinking about these relationships in a way that is divorce conscious.

The reason that I think this is so important is that I think everyone should be having some of these very painful conversations that divorced people experience.

These are painful conversations about what we contributed, what we owe, what we are willing to give, and what we give up.

Those conversations should be happening in a good marriage, not after it is broken.

Because when you wait until it's broken, it's too late.

But if you have them early on, they can actually help build a better marriage.

That's right.

First, marriage is an exchange of sacrifice and that that sacrifice has to be thought of as a fair exchange.

The second one is the idea that there's no such thing as free child care.

And the third is what is starting out as each person's property probably is going to become part of the general property of the marriage.

The first one, sacrifice should be a fair exchange.

Take the example of Lisa and Andy.

Lisa decides to go to medical school early in the marriage, and Andy works to support them.

And Andy works night shifts in order to do that, and he also gives up a great job in another city.

He does this out of love, but of course he also understands that Lisa's degree will benefit them both in the end.

But after a few years, Andy becomes neglected and resentful, and he starts drinking heavily.

And Lisa looks at her life and she looks at Andy and she thinks, this is not the bargain I wanted to make.

A couple of years go by, she graduates from medical school and she files for a divorce.