Jeannie Suk Gersen

Or she might have thought, let me see if I could get a part-time job in order to defray the costs so that Andy is not entirely responsible.

That's right.

And to understand what the sacrifices are, which also breeds less resentment.

Ah, resentment.

Yeah, resentment is like the big killer.

Resentment is the big marriage killer.

So let's take another couple, Emily and Deb.

They live in a big city, they have two children, they both work.

Emily gets a job in a small town, and they decide to move there together.

And Deb quits her job to look after the children full time.

Deb leaves behind an extended family, her friends and a job that she really liked.

And in that small town, Deb starts to feel isolated and lonely.

And 10 years later, Deb has an affair, and things fall apart.

Now, the marriage mediator who would have come in before they moved and before Deb put her job might have asked them, what do your choices about childcare do to the obligations you have to each other?

How do they affect your relationship?

Because you have to remember that there is no such thing as free childcare.

They might have thought about how much Deb relied on the network of family, friends, and work colleagues in terms of her general happiness.

And how that is precisely the kind of social context in which full-time parenthood

actually works well.

Maybe Emily, the one who got the job in the small town that everyone moved there for, she might have thought to herself, on the one hand, I love this new job offer.