Jessica Kirson
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
I ran like I was in the Olympics. I'm not even kidding. The dog was behind my leg. I'll never forget this. It was like... Right behind my leg. And I was screaming. I was like, ah! And my friend, there was no cell, I hate saying shit like this because it makes me sad, but there were no cell phones. I was a child.
And I was screaming and my friend Gail's door was open and my friends came to the door and all they saw was me screaming like a fucking lunatic with a dog right behind me. I cannot believe I wasn't bitten. I don't know what happened. Do you ever go through that? I was like, something happened where my legs moved so fast. It's really weird.
I'm not kidding that it didn't bite my leg, but I flew into the house and they slammed it and the dog didn't get in.
Yeah, I think it wasn't great. It was my fault because I was carrying a raw steak. You know what I'm saying?
That's right, right. Yeah.
Medium well. Ooh.
I know, but I don't, like other stuff I'll eat more rare, like a hamburger and stuff, but with steak I just, I like it, yeah.
Usually, yeah, filet.
Yeah. What do you guys like?
Yeah. Yeah? I like shit steak, though. I don't have to go to, like, a steakhouse. You know what I'm saying? I'm kind of right there with you. Like, I'll go to Applebee's and get a steak. Ketchup?
Really? I put ketchup on everything. That's pretty. Yeah, I do. Okay. All right.
I eat eggs with ketchup. I eat everything with ketchup. Scrabies? How do you like your eggs? You know what I do? I mix ketchup and mayo together. Have you ever had that?
It's fucking amazing. My kids call it pink sauce. And it's so good. And I love everything with that. I'll dip a cracker into that. I fucking love it. Any kind of eggs, really.
Wow. Thank you so much. There she is. Thank you. Look at you. A killer. Wow, I feel... What the hell was that? I feel unsafe. Yeah, that was such a weird pause. We all thought we were all going there. Give her a hand. Yay.
Scrambled or... You're not doing poached. Can you imagine? I guess some people do that. Yeah, poached are great.
They're good, but I'm not going to spend that much energy. I eat over in the pan. I'm really... I am disgusting. You eat over in the pan? I eat standing up. Yeah. I don't like put it on a plate and go like we're comics, too. You know, I'll put my food on the bed in the hotel and just eat from the plate.
No, I did those for a fucking 20 year. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not. That's the one thing. I get it. That and taking like an Uber. I'm like, I deserve to steal a Uber.
Now, do I stay in like a fucking Ritz? I don't think I'd ever do that, even if I was making millions and millions and millions. But I'll stay in like a... Like a Marriott or something a little nice. It has to be now. It has to be.
Yes. Constantly.
Yeah. It depends if I have, like, you know, shitty underwear on the floor or stuff like that. No. Hey, me too. Sorry about that. I don't let them in normally now just because I have privacy issues. Sure. Like, this is from doing stand-up for 26 years. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Yes. Okay. All right. Yeah. I'm not like, I don't care about that shit. That's probably why I have athlete's foot or whatever the fuck it is. Chlamydia. Fair enough.
I don't pay for a first class ticket, but I get bumped up a lot on Delta.
Yes. You will? Not like a meal.
No. I always have snacks. First of all, I'm a mom and I'm Jewish, so we always have food on us in case we get taken away again.
We're going to be all right. I love that you say goldfish.
I have a challah. Some people are like, what do you mean taken away? What happened? So, yeah, no, I always do have, but I've always been like that even before I was a mom. I always had food on me. What are the preferred snacks? Very interesting. Cheez-Its, combos, goldfish. What are we talking? I love everything you just said. I fucking love. Okay. Anything crunchy, cheesy.
Oh, yeah. Can you juice that up?
No, combo over a Cheez-It. Combo over a Cheez-It. Cheez-Its. You heard it here first, gang. I love Cheez-Its, too. I have them at home, but I love combos. They're something dirty. They're like a dirty little whore, a combo. They are dirty. They have the dust.
I eat fistfuls of combos.
But they also have a prize inside. Like you get the cheese, you get the fucking pepperoni.
You do a pepperoni combo?
Yeah, you wouldn't think it, but I do.
Why is that? Next to the shoe polish.
Show a little respect. But I do love chips.
Oh, that's a really hard one. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, oh my God, that's hard. I love all of them.
I love salt and vinegar. I love sour cream and onion.
It's been a while. I'm so glad to be here. I was like, I've been dying to do it again.
Salt and vinegar is gross. I fucking love them.
Don't listen to him. I like the plain potato chip, like the oily plain potato chip.
I love Cape Cod. Home run. Yeah, home run. But I do like just the Utz plain potato chip.
Yeah, those are good, the thin foil. Those are always good. I love a Dorito. I mean, I'm doing Doritos. Are you kidding? I love Doritos.
I like the plain, but I like the blue, you know, whatever.
I mean, I'm not.
I'm not really into spicy, like really spicy. The spicy nacho, the chili lime. Because I want to slam them into my mouth.
I love Bugles, but I don't eat them a lot, but I love them. You put them on your fingers. I used to.
And my toes. That might be the other reason. I love Bugles. Do you like Funyuns? Of course. Not a Funyun man. I love Funyuns. Love them. Me too.
I love onion rings.
I'm doing a Diet Coke. My favorite is Diet Sprite, Sprite Zero. It's amazing. What the fuck? What are you, in the X Games? Who does that? It's very... Sprite zero. I like it that... You know what I like? That no one knows what it is. No one, no one. Yeah, more for me. You know what? It's very carbonated, and I like when it hurts.
I want it to hurt.
I love fast food. I take my kids a lot. Okay. And I will eat what they're eating. But I don't. I mean, I used to all the time. Then this is embarrassing. But I would go on the Jersey Turnpike. All the time. And go through drive-thrus, just service areas, fucking drive-thrus, and get like 15 things. I'm not even kidding.
I love Roy Rogers. That was my favorite.
Great. It's amazing. Roy Rogers made a mean hamburger. And don't get upset, because I would never do this now, but I would eat everything, like shove it in, and then I would throw up.
It was a different time. It was the 80s. It was.
Yeah, exactly. Crazy. I have a huge thing with littering now, but I had to get rid of the evidence.
Just a plastic straw with a turtle attached to it.
I think it would be like McDonald's. I mean, it has to be. Classic. Classic lady. If I were to say my favorite one.
Yeah, they were great. Great.
Domino's. Okay.
Okay. I feel that's the right answer. I like Pizza Hut, but I really love Domino's. People either like it or they don't. I've always liked it.
I can move this side to side. I can move my fingers.
Yeah, it's familiar. Yeah, you're just like, ah. It's comfortable. I feel like that with you guys. You're a lighthouse. Yeah, yeah. I don't feel like that with everybody, but I really feel like that with you guys. Thank you. Like we were in rehab together.
This is going to be sad to people. I work so much that I literally barely take a vacation. And if I take a vacation, it's I have a show.
But I think the last one was to the Berkshires in Massachusetts.
Very nice. Yeah, I grew up going there every summer and stuff like that. Berkshires. Yeah, but it's very hard for me to take a vacation and not work.
I go, but I don't like it. You don't like it? There's many things I don't like about it.
Yes. Okay. Are you kidding me? I'd rather a buffet than anything. Okay. Just take whatever I want.
Exactly. Yeah. And everyone else is eating a ton. It's, yeah. But the beach, I don't know. I don't love the ocean. I go in it if I can see- I'll tell you why. I go in it if I can see what's under me, but I was bitten by a jellyfish once.
No, I love animals. The ocean is so powerful to me. It's so much bigger than me, and it frightens me, but I go in it.
yeah i'd hurt a lot where was this in florida i was a kid in florida also one time i was um my i went in st thomas my father was out of his mind like very funny but he would pull pranks and do that was like a lot when you're a kid so he was in the boat and i was gonna water ski and i looked down and there were literally a hundred porcupine fish and i had a nervous breakdown like i was like no
No wonder why I'm a comedian. Sure, I would freak out. But that fucking scared me.
Yeah, it was a lot. Out of water skiing. And I was on the road. Like, if they didn't. Like, I didn't know what to do because my legs were up. The toes were out. Yeah.
I never saw that.
That's a big enough shark. Oh, my God. Yeah.
I grew up eating, literally eating that like almost every night.
Because my kids. Gotcha. Yeah, my daughter likes it. Okay. Huh. Yeah. Not bad. I like binoculars. I don't know what the fuck I just said. That should have been the name of my special. I like binoculars. I feel like everyone will watch it if I say it.
Yep. Okay. I just spilled seltzer on myself. I've been to a TJ Maxx because I've been looking for clothes.
Yeah. Why not? I'm just asking. No, I'm saying like I feel like those places sometimes have better stuff than the nice.
New t-shirts. I need new t-shirts. You go in with a direction. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Very good. Because there's so many things in there I wouldn't wear. It's chaotic. Yeah.
I'm not wearing a summer dress.
Does someone have onions?
Old world shit. That is hysterical.
Right. There's different things. It's not a remedy, but if you want something to happen when you're Jewish, my mother always says to turn a glass over. Really? That's a big thing if you want something to work out.
Yes, yes. Also, there's also the chicken broth thing is the healer for everything. Chicken soup. Oh, sure, sure. For any cold, any fucking thing. Like, if you have, because I have syphilis now, I should make chicken broth.
Um, also tea bags for hemorrhoids or for, um, if you have a sty in your eye, warm tea bag. Yeah. I mean, actually a man teabagging me. No. Could you imagine you have a hemorrhoid and you have a guy sit on your face?
Um, what did you ask me?
Yeah, you're supposed to, like, it works for anything that's swollen or irritated. You guys are going to have tea bags on your assholes tonight.
I'm not a big spender. I have this huge bag that Brian Morton, who you know. Yes.
He's great. He does all my stuff online. And he brought me this bag one time for merch because he had to get something to me. And it's this enormous red plastic bag, like enormous. And it has a skull on it. Wait, is that your luggage? It's so drug-like. But every time I have it in the airport, people are like, that's fucking amazing luggage. Sick bag, yeah. You got it for like $20 at Target.
Whoa. Yeah. I just use random bags. I'm not- That's insane. For as much as you travel? Like the wheels could be broken and I'm still dragging something sideways down. Yeah, I'm trying to get better with this stuff. I have a very hard time buying things for myself. I will buy anything for anyone, but- Yeah.
I have, but I don't normally do that.
I go to like usually, well, I order it online a lot now, to be honest with you, Amazon Fresh and shit like that. But I'll go to like Stop and Shop. Stop and Shop, okay. If I were in Jersey, I'd go to ShopRite. That was my- Shout out ShopRite. Great.
Two, three times. When you're in a relationship, you have to brush your teeth. Sure. Unless you're married. Okay. Then you let go of all of that. You don't care what you look like or smell like.
Yeah, sometimes.
I used to use Scope. Scope. That's delicious. Yeah, it is. Oh, man.
I love that you just said it's delicious.
I hate Listerine.
Oh, I don't like it at all.
Yeah, it's like getting that high. You just don't want anyone to talk to you. Chasing the dragon. Yeah, yeah.
Thank you. I don't think it's athlete's foot because I can barely get out of bed, but my toes are very dry and itchy. There's something. I think because they've been in so many vaginas.
What? I know. I knew you guys were going to say that. What? Because I need to get an assistant. You're taking your shoes off at the airport? No. I have clear. Okay. Oh.
No, but I just got an email about clear, you know, with the, what the fuck it's called. I can't remember what you just asked me. TSA pre-check. Yeah, TSA pre-check. Like, pre-check clear.
Yeah, yeah. No, I seriously noticed that yesterday. I'm like, oh my God, I have very dry, flaky toes.
Oh, I'll do it then.
Yeah. I feel very judged.
No. I mean, sorry, for a long trip I do. Long flight. Cross country. I will never take my socks off. I think that is absolutely disgusting.
That's funny. The changer. Because I used to say the clicker. And now I say remote. But I used to. For years I said the clicker.
What am I supposed to say?
Are you a racist? That is... Crown sounds like you have a slate, like it's bad. He doesn't like purple. I have a very Jersey accent, though. I say coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Yeah, I say coffee. Coffee's good. That's not bad. But you guys are from Philly, so you could be saying that, too.
No, I don't take care of myself. I really don't.
either inside of me.
Sometimes, like if it's a small thing, I'm being honest, yeah. I've sometimes, if I'm out in public, I'll spit it.
Yeah, I flick it. Behind the couch?
I think that's for men. No, I throw them out. You throw them out? Or in the toilet, yeah. Oh, okay.
Well, no, not if you're like, if you have a small nail. No, I don't think so.
It's usually junk. Yeah.
I actually have an amazing thing that my sister got me on Amazon because she ordered, when I moved to my apartment, she ordered me a ton of shit.
I'm sorry, but that's really great. Yeah. It's like a briefcase and it has like 50 of every kind of battery. It's great. We need one of those. Get one for the studio. We're a goddamn production company. It's so good. It comes in a red case. It's great.
Yes. Huh. Like once a year. Once a year. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm really like lazy when it comes to like creaming myself. I'm trying. I really am. You don't have a skin routine?
I use a Delta Amex, and I use a Chase card, business card.
I use the points on Delta, but I don't use... You guys are reading my mind because I just thought recently I have to contact Amex and see what I can do, what I have.
We've done it twice.
How many points is that if you wanted to use it?
I understand, yeah.
By the way, I am like you guys that way where I feel like I don't deserve to stay at the Ritz-Carlton. Of course. And I feel weird and like I'm not fancy enough. Like I really have that.
No, we're allowed back. Oh, okay. I'm so gullible. I'm like, what did you do?
No, and I have to. I really need to start doing that. Yeah. But it's, I'm being honest. It's such a pain in the ass. But I did just, like literally for the first time in years, look down and I was like, something's going on.
When I had no money. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, like you guys, I was poor for years doing stand-up. Like, I had no money. Yeah.
Of course I had a Discover. I had a Rush jean jacket.
Um, I, I probably did like once or twice, but I don't. Not a habit. No. Yeah. I was, uh, I, I just was never into that, but I get why people are addicted to it. My God.
I've, Not really into it, but I've done it. I love to gamble. Really? I think I knew that about you.
I haven't done the tables in a long time, but I'm telling you, a thousand times I've been to casinos and played blackjack all night. Really?
I do, yeah. I have to not sit with people who don't play right. I have a big thing about it. So instead of getting hostile and being like, what are you doing? Why are you splitting tens? And I get fucking crazy, I just get up and go to another table. But I've done pretty well. I play by the book.
But now I play slots on my phone and it's a problem.
I buy the coins and then. Write that down. The Berkshires, huh? I'm addicted to it.
Yeah, I'm an addict.
No, I play like on a thing that has like 50 kind of slot games. And then I go from one to the next.
whoa yeah i mean a lot of people will leave shows and do like cocaine and i'm like on fucking you know cherry cherry cherry yeah okay wow you know what it is my brain is so crazy so it's like i see just images and numbers and i'm not thinking about anything because my brain is always right you know you guys are probably like that too sure man you got a swiffer at the house yeah okay what's the vacuum cleaner
Yeah, something's happening.
I have a Dyson.
poland springs okay sometimes fiji okay okay i had the one you know the tank where you i never used i did that too i just got rid i had it for years we just got rid of it yeah it's like a waste if you're not good whatever yeah if we were at the house and we opened up the refrigerator would there be anything expired in there No, and I'll tell you why.
Yeah. Any bad toenails? I have really nice feet. Okay. Like, I should, I should. I mean, with that information you've shared.
There might be that I didn't notice, but I grew up in a house where everything was expired. Every fucking thing. Like, the cheese had confetti. So I am traumatized. I know some people understand this, but I am traumatized. Like, I smell water. Like, I am traumatized by food. Like, that's gone bad. So even if the milk says, you know, June whatever, I'm smelling it. Okay. It was bad.
So there was rotten meat. It was so I can't do it.
Every time. That's a good one.
Do you smell the milk? Yeah, I do. Do you shake the milk?
You shake milk up? Yeah.
I don't know why. I shake the milk. But yeah, I'm really, even if it expires like a week later, I have to throw it out.
I'd say pan or microwave. Microwave's not good. I microwave a lot of shit.
I mean, I heat up everything. I have coffee the entire day until nighttime. It's cold. And I will put it in the microwave.
Or I'll drink coffee, like if I'm on the road, I'll drink the same coffee that I had from the morning at night.
Yes, I have no problem with cold food. Okay. I always eat cold food. All right. I respect it. Always.
I'll put food on the road in the fridge and then just take it out and eat it that I had the night before. Chicken or whatever. Mm-hmm.
So no snacks? No.
Yeah, except for the corn and the syphilis. No, I have nice feet. I'm serious. I could put my feet online and make a lot of money. There you go. Yeah, yeah. Now Jim Norton's going to contact me.
Yeah, I do that a lot too. It's just the easiest thing. No, I have to change it because I ask for pretzels and they give me three huge bags. Every single weekend. Three enormous bags of pretzels every night. So I'm doing a different place each night. So I have six huge bags. Yeah, nine bags. And then I get sliced turkey, cheese.
They get it at the market.
Cheese. Cheese. I get cheese.
I do bread or roll-ups, but I, yeah. And then I do, I'm getting rid of this, the vegetable platter because no one eats it.
I get some fruit and sometimes it's just like an apple and banana and sometimes it's like a really nice fruit platter. Fruit tray? I have to have espresso. I get four espressos, and it has to be Starbucks.
Coffee's my thing. If you just give me coffee and pretzels and a piece of cheese, I'm fine. Four espressos? Because I'll take two, and then I take two back to the hotel for the next morning. You're a dirtbag.
I take everything.
You get an espresso at a Marriott. No, you can't a lot very early in the morning. There's nowhere to.
And with the coffee in the room, it usually tastes like urine. I add.
You're not using that coffee pot, are you? I always.
Not in like a shitty, shitty hotel room, but in a nicer hotel room. I mean, a lot of times they have espresso things now. You know?
George Clooney.
I thought you said George Clooney and made a mistake that it was George Foreman. And I started laughing.
Oh, I always do that.
I always do that, too.
Yeah. I mean, you always like the housekeeping people take it.
Oh, I always tip. I have to tip.
I will normally leave 10 if I'm staying, like, two nights 20. Good for you. If I'm in a suite, 20. Okay. Because it's a big room. It's like two rooms. Yeah. Very classy.
I think Norton's an everything guy. Yeah, I think so. Hey, I'm with him.
I've become very private. There's reasons why. Get me at the end. Yeah, that's what I do. I'm the same way. Yeah.
No, I don't want them. Yeah.
I only used to wear turquoise jewelry for a long time because that's like artsy fartsy dirt bag, you know. That's crazy. I only wear silver. Okay. I don't like gold. You don't like gold. I'm all silver. All silver. All right. Yeah, but I don't wear turquoise. I love turquoise jewelry, but I don't wear it anymore.
I think it was. Oh, my God. Can you believe I can't remember a tiger? If it's like a fish, I'm going to die laughing.
I don't have a dick, but I do have nice feet.
Who's in the Hall of Fame? My stepbrother. Zach Braff. What's her name? Lauren Hill.
Sam, what the fuck kind of school is this?
Yeah, Lauryn and Zach were friends.
Oh, yeah, the shoes.
Who's Elizabeth Shue? John Shue and Elizabeth, yeah. John Shue, and she's beautiful. I know the name.
Yeah. I was in love with her. John Shue.
Is a huge actor. He was on... The first show with friends living in a complex.
Yeah, it's a very good high school.
Let me pull that up.
Yeah, it was amazing. That's not that far from Philly, though. Well, it's like an hour and a half.
Right, so I was close.
It's so funny you said that. If I could put it on top of the refrigerator, it would be. Because I used to do that, I mean, all the time. But now there's no room. But it's in the cabinet, yeah. I had grape nuts this morning. Get out of here.
They're so good. They are. You ever have it with banana? Of course. So good.
You know what? It's so good with a little sugar and banana.
To Macy's, Starbucks. Pretty good ones, I'll give you that. Amazon.
Okay, so I enjoy it on myself.
No, unless it's my child.
Yeah, that would never gross me out.
I like fresh crack pepper. That's a tongue twister. I like crack fresh pepper. But I'm lazy.
Because it has to do with doing something nice for myself. Like if I thought my kids would enjoy it or my partner, you know, I would in a second. But I'm not going to like, I just don't do it for myself.
I'm doing sea salt. Okay. But not Himalayan. Okay. I don't like those people. But I'm doing sea salt.
So when I was a kid.
Pepperoni combo.
Oh, come on. Pink sauce. I don't take, like, if I had a little hangnail, I'm talking about.
Well, I've met a lot of people in my life. Of course.
I'm proud of it.
Major, major, major pothead. I was a major pothead.
Very classy. I followed the dead. Very classy first concert. I followed the Grateful Dead. Jesus Christ. I did fucking mushrooms and, you know, sucked out of balloons and fucking sold ice pops. She's got the Swiffer.
What's a day-to-day car? Now it's a Lincoln Nautilus.
Right. Ernie Ernesto.
Thank you. I love you guys so much. Thank you.
Yeah, I have a lot of dates coming up. So if they go to JessicaKerson.com, and that's my whole schedule, and also a big TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram.
He's like a newsman. Oh, I just saw him.
I met him, I think, at a restaurant in Jersey. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to think of who I met as a kid.
Yeah, definitely. But then it changed, of course, over time.
I mean, I've met... It's Bobby D. Right? Oh, right. De Niro. Right. De Niro is the, I think, is the biggest star. And I worked with him and became friends with him. Yeah, I remember that. That's fucking crazy.
Well, I was in his ear during the whole movie. Yeah, the comedian. That's fucking crazy. And that was just from him seeing me do stand-up. It was a great story. Yeah. Uh, but because my, of my stepbrother who was a child actor, you know, I met a lot of people like years and years ago and that was fucking weird. Yeah. Yeah.
Like big stars, you know, like Danny DeVito and Reese Witherspoon and this one and that one. But I think besides De Niro and there were so many people on that movie like Harvey Keitel and Joe, like all these people, but the big, I met, I met Madonna. Wow.
And I was freaked out. I don't get freaked out. I think that's why De Niro liked me. I'm not like, oh, my God. I just saw him as like an older Italian man. You want to work with me?
But when I saw Madonna at the cellar, for some reason, I was really starstruck. That's one. Yeah, that makes sense. Really starstruck.
We went to his restaurant right in the beginning and had cappuccinos, and he had a drink. Yeah, it's funny. I went to dinner a lot with him. I'm not bragging. It just would happen.
Yeah, of course. I would go to dinner with him and Harvey Keitel.
And Danny DeVito and the producer. What? to Il Molina a lot.
Can you imagine? I'm like, I'll use the tip.
I mean, it was De Niro because it's, you know.
You know what? The producers picked up the check a lot, too. That's what they do with these Hollywood producers.
What's he go for? Amazing. I mean, they would order. It was fucking insane. Sure. They would order, like, you know, the fish, you know, the raw fish. They bring shit. When you're that famous. You got De Niro, Danny DeVito. They just bring stuff. You don't even order.
It was unbelievable.
Tons of espressos in Zambuca. Yeah, exactly what it was. That's awesome. A lot of meats. You know, they come over with the cheese and keep grating it. It's amazing.
You're not going to go for the surf and turf. I don't scale it up. I was brought up really, like, down to earth, believe it or not. I don't know why I wouldn't believe that. Well, because I was brought up in the Jersey suburbs where people had money. A little bit of cash.
But my parents really, like I had a job at 14. I worked at Lord & Taylor and I worked in the coffee place. And they gave me like eventually a really shitty car that my sister had, which had like one wheel. I mean, it was, I was, thank God, brought up.
yeah that way yes because it's made me work as hard as i do i appreciate that if you go out to dinner with somebody that's paying they get the chicken you don't get the two pound lobster no right no i would not even i don't even get an appetizer which is you know sure i i would like it's like other people just order an appetizer and whatever i'm like i i feel uncomfortable now if shoes on the
Whoa. No shit. I was a big Genesis fan. Whoa. Yeah, I love them. It was at Madison Square Garden. What? Damn. I went with my stepmother. I had beer and I smoked pot. How old were you? And I smoked pot there. She was fine with it. That's awesome. I was 14.
Wild. But I was a burnout. I used to have a jean jacket that had Rush on the back, the decal for Rush. Did you buy that or did you put that on there? I put it on there. Yeah, I was into Led Zeppelin and Grateful Dead. I was really into all that shit.
Yeah, I know. Isn't that interesting?
It's not even like it was Led Zeppelin or ACDC. It was Rush. Rush.
I folded clothes, and I wanted to fucking kill myself. Okay. Yeah, it was horrible. I did it at Macy's. Oh, you did? It's brutal. It's fucking horrible. All those old women like, do you have a size 8? You know, like, I'm like, just die. Can you die? Like, literally just die while I'm folding a sweater.
Really? Yeah. That's not... Yeah, I'm a good salesperson. Yeah? You're very personable. Of course. My parents were insane. Like, I just grew up... I think that helps us in this business.
I mean, you have to be a good salesperson in this business.
But, um... Yeah, I think now I would have a very hard time working with the public because I picked up like I really have changed.
Yeah, no, I'm more like people are rude. Of course, people are rude. So I would not want to be talking to be losing a story.
No. Okay. I used to wear shitty perfume. Like when I was growing up, I would wear shitty. Did you wear Charlie? I think I did wear Charlie. I don't know. Charlie's nice. I don't know Charlie. I wouldn't spend tons of money on perfume. Okay. I mean, now I might, but I don't like strong smells.
Yeah, yeah. It has smelled like onions since I sat down.
Yeah. Deodorize. I wear men's. Okay. What kind? Like a roll-on arms and hammer. Really?
I don't even know. Okay. Whatever.
That's the name of a lesbian porn.
I can't believe I said arms and hammer. Arms and hammer is all right. Tonight on Arms and Hammer. Oh, that's great.
Antiperspirant. Okay. Because of performing.
I'm earning a master's. Do you ever wear your hair wavy?
when you're going over. So you get yellow things?
That is so fucking disgusting. Wait, is the yellow on the white?
Everything I wear is black. I'm not skinny. Oh, because you won't cover it.
Because you could wear this.
With that black jacket.
We got a lot in common. Are yours uneven like mine? They are.
Are your boobs taped down?
I was chased by a dog in my neighborhood. It was one of the fucking most traumatic things that ever happened to me. Yeah, it was really bad. Yeah, it's scary. It's a funny visual, but I left my house.
Yeah, no, you think I care. I was walking to my friend Gail's house, and I heard, and I'm like, oh, my God, what is that? And I saw a dog chained. you know, chained into a rope at someone's house. And I'm like, oh, they're chained. And then I heard, and it started getting closer. And I was like, this dog's coming towards me right now.
Well, one of the things that I always take to heart, and I remember hearing this from one of Letterman's producers, that Letterman told the producers of the show, your job is to protect me from myself. Yeah. And I've always taken that to heart. And I don't mean that from the sense of like, I've got to censor you. I obviously do not, because we have a pretty...
connected relationship on that front.
Is that better?
That's amazing.
He left.
No.
Ha, ha, ha.
Schau dir das Gesicht an.
Ja. Morgen werde ich permanent sterilisiert, weil ich meine Fallopian-Türen entfernt habe. Also habe ich entschieden, ein bisschen für das zu feiern und zu feiern, dass ich die Wahl gemacht habe, keine Kinder zu haben. Oh mein Gott. Ja.
His name is Barry.
Barry Ribs?