Jessica Williams

But sadly, the good times and horrific injuries couldn't last forever. With the dawn of online shopping, Black Friday became less relevant than the newer, shinier, two-day premiere holiday that took its place. Along came Cyber Monday, an easier way to score deals while avoiding the mobs at in-person stores. It's just another way technology has pulled us further apart.

Sure, it's more convenient, but think of what we lose when we no longer have that one-on-one air fryer to skull contact. It's sad. Also in recent years, retail employees have begun pushing back on so-called holiday creep, which is a term for stores expanding their holiday shopping periods into Thanksgiving.

Not what happens when your weird cousin hits the eggnog too hard and tries to go FDR on your underparts. But even as its golden days are behind it, Black Friday is still an American institution, standing tall beside Thanksgiving and the Super Bowl and the Purge. And now that you know its history, don't forget to keep it in perspective.

Sure, saving money is great, but this season isn't about fighting some stranger at a store. It's about gathering your family and fighting with them. So happy shopping season. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to start practicing for the big day.

And I think it should be acknowledged that this dinner is taking place on Cherokee land.

Michael, how will Ozempic affect Thanksgiving this year?

Yeah, okay, but isn't that gonna up your metabolism? Oh yeah, big time.

Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Costa, you're putting these drugs up your butt at Thanksgiving table? Won't that weird out your family? Oh, it will. Which is why you'll have to drug your family.

Okay, wait, isn't oxytocin the hormone that makes people horny?

I'm just thankful that Roe v. Wade was finally overturned.

Costa, stop, okay? This is dumb. Instead of people taking all these drugs, why can't they just not eat as much?

Okay, okay, I'm sorry, okay? I guess I just wish there was a way people could enjoy life without putting drugs in their veins and up their butts. Well, there is, Ronnie. Introducing cocaine.

Welcome back. As you know, Thanksgiving is a time, a blessed time of year. We all give thanks for our families and our health and prepare to beat the out of people to go shopping. Jessica Williams has more.

The event is becoming so long. Starting Black Friday on Thanksgiving should be illegal. Black Wednesday. Gray Thursday.

What about the workers at these stores?

Workers are upset. Forced to work. They keep saying that they care about their associates. That's not the case.

I think we should all have the ability to say, I don't want to work Thanksgiving.

Try that mega shit. Try it. And I'll tell everybody in this room that you use Nana's Wi-Fi to jack off.

Stores at the Walden Galleria have a tough choice this year, open on Thanksgiving or possibly pay a lot of money in fines and penalties.

Hello, my shopaholics, maximistas, mall rats, coupon clippers, bargain bitches, capitalism warriors, and sales slugs. It's the holidays, and that means one thing. Family. No, I'm kidding. That means shopping. Family? What the f***? Like many of you, I too will be going out on Black Friday, one of America's most treasured excuses to buy shit.

And Black Friday seems like something that's been around forever. I mean, I can't remember a time when Black Friday didn't exist. Then again, my memory is a little fuzzy from all the head trauma from previous Black Fridays. The history of Black Friday is actually quite interesting. It started in the 1920s, when retail stores wanted to set a clear beginning to the Christmas shopping season.

So department stores like Macy's created grand parades to signal to Americans it's time to start spending cash. Although back then, parade balloons weren't as cute as the ones today. You know, classics like Puff the Meth Fuel Dragon, Whimsical Drifter Murderer, and Thick Daddy Superman. Maybe they were hoping to scare people to run inside the stores? I don't know.

The point is, retailers depended on a big Christmas shopping season and were willing to do whatever it took to make it as long as possible. In fact, during the Great Depression, they even lobbied President Franklin Roosevelt to move Thanksgiving a week earlier to allow for more Christmas shopping. And after his cousin finished giving him a handjob, FDR agreed.

Eventually, they moved Thanksgiving back, but the retailers got what they wanted because over the next few decades, more and more people began their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. But the first time the day was called Black Friday was in the 1960s. It was actually coined by the Philadelphia Police Department because the day brought tons of traffic and chaos.

And for shopping to cause chaos in Philadelphia, it has to really be chaos. I once set fire to a mannequin at a Zara in Philadelphia, and they didn't even kick me out of the store. They just threw it in the burnt mannequin pile. Sorry.

It was in the 1980s that Black Friday finally went nationwide, and it was all thanks to America's obsession with the adorable little vegetable-human monster hybrids known as the Cabbage Patch Kids. I got this one for $3,000, and I had to get punched by a lot of grandmas to get it, but it was worth it. The toys were in such high demand that it caused literal riots across America.

People fought their neighbors tooth and nail to pay for some lettuce-shaped plastic. But all the violence was worth it for that precious Christmas morning when their kids would open the box, see the Cabbage Patch Kid, and then play with the box. The Cabbage Patch Kid set the standard for all sorts of Black Friday crazes throughout the 90s.

From Furbies to Beanie Babies to Tickle Me Elmos to countless other toys bought by newly divorced dads trying to buy their way into their kids' hearts. By 2002, nearly three quarters of all shoppers were in stores over Black Friday weekend. It was paradise for people looking for deals and robbers looking for unguarded homes.

Black Friday was so successful that stores started pushing the start time back from Friday morning to Friday at midnight and then all the way back to Thanksgiving night itself. They called the new holiday Gray Thursday as a tribute to the moral gray area of abandoning your family on Thanksgiving to choke out a stranger for an Instapot. Oh, it's ready.

And throughout this time, Black Friday doorbuster sales became more dangerous as consumers turned every big box store into a big octagon arena. It got so bad that in 2011, you were statistically more likely to be injured in a Black Friday sale than from a shark attack. Unless that shark is also at the Black Friday sale, and then it depends on whoever wants that blender more. Got it!

John, you make me so sad.

Really? We do. So what's your preferred method of consumption?

Get together, dudes! What's... Okay, lose the wig, Wavy Gravy, which is a reference I don't even understand. Nobody knows what you're talking about. Hey, Jess. Happy 420. You chilling? Eeling? Ew. Ew. OK, stop. Enough. Enough. I'm just grooving to the hash, ma. No. No, you're not. You're making everyone look bad. POT isn't just for shirtless old dudes with bongos.

It's a non-addictive, proven effective medical treatment that is now raising much-needed tax revenue for, like, schools, libraries, and roads.

What, what? I literally don't know what any of those words mean. Nobody uses record albums to sift their pot. Nobody owns record albums. I mean, like, I do because I'm cool. But what the hell is skunk weed?

Schwag? What, like free T-shirts? No, like bad weed. There's a such thing as bad weed? You know what? Never mind. Look, this is now, John, and we don't smoke. We vape our scientifically cultivated medical-grade buds that we had hand-delivered using a phone app called Dankstagram. Which times the delivery to show up precisely five minutes before our Thai food. It's great. I gotta vape. I vape.

Oh, really? Which one? You got G-Pen? You got a PAX?

As we all know, last night was the Super Bowl. And it seems like the real MVP of the night was Beyonce. For more, we turn to our senior Beyonce correspondent, Jessica Williams, everybody. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Jessica Williams, everyone. We'll be right back.

You gotta say it. Congratulations, Philadelphia Eagles. Well done. First Super Bowl victory ever. And from the way the fans celebrated, you could tell that they were new at this.

Damn! It got so crazy that the police were left powerless? The poor police. What happened? They were like, we couldn't do anything. They were white. We just... Why would you burn your city down when you won? Like, now I feel like the Eagles fans need to lose every year just so that they can go out and fix things. Oh, well, there's always next year, boys. Hand me a wrench, hand me a wrench.

You know what it feels like, actually? It feels like the Eagles fans thought they were going to lose, so they planned a riot, but then they won, and they didn't want to let a good riot go to waste. They're like, yeah, let's do it anyway. I love this city! Yeah! I mean, they were jumping on top of the awning at the Ritz Carlton. How did they even get up there?

Can you imagine, can you imagine how terrified the fancy rich people in the Ritz Carlton were? Like, just people outside, they must be like, dear Lord, Margaret, Margaret, Margaret, the revolution is happening. It's happening, Margaret, hide the silver, hide the silver. Like it's, you know, it's hard enough for me to understand why happy people are burning things and trashing cars.

Like that's already strange to me. But one fan was so excited that for some reason, and this is a real thing, he got so excited he was eating horse shit. What the hell? Like, I never thought I would say this, but we found the one guy who actually needs to eat Tide Pods. We found him. Congratulations, Eagles.

Let's kick it off with the Super Bowl. Yesterday's big game was very exciting. Like, I don't know why they don't just make every football game the Super Bowl, you know? That way you get more people watching. And the best thing about it is, even if you don't like the sport, you're bound to find something else exciting.

Okay, okay, okay. There are two ways to see this. Either you can be mad because this guy wasted a lot of money just to miss an incredible experience, or you can see it as this dude bawling out so hard, he spent $7,000 just to take a nap. That's a surf. But seriously, how chaotic is this guy's life? That he's like, I need to go to the Super Bowl just so I can have a quiet place to sleep.

Like, how noisy is his home? He must have, like, 13 kids, and every one of them is Bernie Sanders. Dead! Dead! Dead! I can't find my toys! The DNC stole them from me! Dead! Dead! But we're just kidding around. This guy is clearly dead. Now, um, the big moment from last night that everyone was talking about, or raving about, rather, was J-Lo and Shakira. They killed it. They really killed it.

But some people were really pissed that J-Lo pulled out a stripper pole to do some moves. Now, look, I understand some parents might be angry because there are kids who watch the game. So for all those parents, just tell your kid J-Lo's a fireman. All right? Problem solved. Right, and here's another thing. J.Lo spent months learning how to be a professional pole dancer for her movie, Hustlers.

Let me tell you something, if I spent that much time learning how to pole dance, I would be pole dancing every chance I get. I don't care where I am, I would be doing it. I'd be in the subway like, jump on it. Let's do it. Right in my pole lift.

It's just...

And you're gonna love that!

He was involved in a double murder.

Well, I ride my bike in L.A., and that's where it really gets kind of crazy. Oh, really? The weird thing is, I've been living in L.A. now because of the show. I don't do very well in L.A. I got stopped by a cop once in L.A., and he gave me a script instead of a ticket. It was like, you went, here, Mr. Williams, how are you? And if you don't like this, please give it to Eddie Murphy.

I've just been riding my bike. It's been pretty sweet. Riding my bike in New York is amazing, too, because you ride it on the west side bike path. I passed this guy, and all of a sudden he went, where'd it go, fat ass? He's like, yeah, I'm on drugs. It's for my prostate.

But riding a bike in L.A. is truly kind of dangerous, because you'll be in... And all of a sudden, they really do... Because everyone's like, you know, they're all talking, they're texting and everything.

No, no, no, I'm not that serious.

Yeah, I rode with him one time, and I used to ride with Lance in the old days. Oh, really? Used to ride behind the uniballer. Did you really? You rode with Lance Orson? I rode with him, yeah, once or twice. But he's like, he's so good. He'd be on the phone. He'd be doing all this stuff. He's hands-free.

It's a job, brother. It's a job, but it was also David E. Kelly. I had a meeting with him.

Sweet guy, sweet, good man, and a wonderful guy to work with. And he's a tough laugh, though. Yeah. He doesn't laugh as much. You do something really funny, and this is all you're getting. You're like, huh. Nothing. Yeah, it's like, you know, it'd be like, ah. That's like a standing ovation for him. But he's a great writer, and I thought, okay, I'll take a shot with you.

I think that's probably hard because you and I are... Well, when I did Mark and Mindy years ago, it was like... Go back 32 years ago when I did Mark and Mindy. That was 32 years ago? There was tape back then. There were only three networks, and the only thing that was wired was me. I was on everything but skates, but it was crazy. I know, I know. I know.

Yes, I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open.

Well, I think there's a higher power. There's also a lower power. There's the lower power that goes, text that girl and show her pictures of your junk. It's OK. She's not going to share that with anybody. And the same lower power goes, you know, you need this. Come on now. I relapsed.

I was up in Alaska, and all of a sudden, I hadn't been sober for 20 years, and all of a sudden, I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniels and went, ah, that'll be fine. That'll be okay.

The moment I had the first sip, it was like... All of a sudden, it was like, welcome back, ass... A week later, I was walking down the street with, like, ten little bottles of Jack Daniels in my pockets. I sounded like a f***ing wind chime. And I got down so quick. I went right to blackouts. And it's a misnomer. They call it blackouts. It's not. It's like sleepwalking with activities.

You're a madman. Oh, it's wonderful. It's the greatest way to get around. All of a sudden, people think, no, that couldn't be Mork. No.

That's your brain going, we're going to do stuff you're not going to know. You wake up in a small field going, where am I? Me, me. It's crazy stuff. But I think that's the illusion. And I think you come through it, and you realize, yes, you can create better. You can get back. And the main operative word is fear. And like you said, the fear is there, and you're trying to overcome it with that.

But if you can deal with the fear and then realize some of it's real, some of it isn't, and then come through that... You get deeper, boss. You get deep, deep, deep.

And there's... No. That is... Don't make them angry. They're Canadians. Let me just say this. Let me just... Let me just say this. You're the nicest country in the world. You're like... You're like a sweet apartment over a meth lab. It's really...

Here we go. And New Yorkers are going, get the... off that bike. But I'm... amazed that no one has been hurt. They're doing wonderfully. There really is this thing that works itself out. All of a sudden you see them and it's like all of a sudden even angels are flying behind them going, please be careful. But it's very sweet. You're right, it is basically Europeans going, how do I get downtown?

Follow the numbers. The numbers get lower, okay. And then where are you at the next stop? Where are you? Brooklyn, welcome. But you're right, no helmets. There should be a little hand that says some sort of safety device. Bubble wrap or something, man. A small, just a little, like, maybe a condom, something fun.