Jimmy Carr

It's all very tight, unlike your asshole. Let's talk about it, Solomon. Are you straight or gay? Straight. Really? Okay. Agree to disagree?

Is this how gay I seem to everybody? Is that why? It is? Oh, my God. Now I see why the jokes work so well. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Look at the way you do the things with your hands. What is that? This is all incredibly gay. I don't know.

Okay, I don't know what you're saying. It's the what? I need a... The panel brought it out? The fuck does that mean? People are asking genuine questions. They're like, Tony, I have a... It's amazing. So, Solomon, how long have you been doing stand-up? About two years now. About two years. Agree to disagree? Oh, you are the best, Jimmy Carr. So, Solomon, what are you talking about?

What were you talking about the whole time? You were getting laughs. Very hard to understand. There's not a monitor, an earpiece, or anything in the world that could get me to fully understand the way you speak what you call English. Where are you from? Pakistan. Pakistan. How long have you been in America?

That's the right answer. I'm trying to. That's the correct answer. Okay, what do you do for work, Solomon?

We were all thinking it.

Do you sweat like this while you're driving? Not really, but... You seem so happy. Are you happy? Yes. Okay. What else brings you joy, Solomon? What else makes you happy in this world?

Yes. What makes you happy? Solomon, it's a pretty easy question. What brings you joy? Do you like square dancing, perhaps?

Yeah.

You can say anything. You can name anything that you... No, I love hikes. You like heights? Yeah, nature. Hikes. Okay, I thought he was saying heights. Like, you know, hijacking an airplane, perhaps, at 30,000 feet or something like that. What made you move to America 18 years ago? Family.

And what were they doing here that got you to move here?

What was your dad doing here?

There is a little fucking... Look at that little fucking... What are you, rubbing it right now? What the fuck is going on? Hell yeah. You got a fucking sack of Stan. Look at that fucking thing. You are a pack of something. That is for sure. You have a goddamn terrorist cell in your pants right now. Look at that fucking thing. Absolutely incredible. How big is your dick?

Oh, you're actually showing me. You're looking at a microphone saying it is the length of a microphone. That is huge. As far as I know, I study, obviously, as you know, I study penis sizes by culture. And Pakistanis are not knowing for carrying such a huge, look at this fucking guy.

How about mom? What did mom do? Mom? Yeah, what is mom? Housewife. Housewife, very good. Yeah, she has to listen to what your dad tells her to do. Am I correct?

Okay. All right. What's your favorite thing about being an American, Solomon? Just living the dream, Tony. That is, again, the correct answer. I was going to have you deported if you answered incorrectly there. Look at you. That is so interesting. You must do something for fun here in Texas. What do you do when you're not Ubering and trying comedy?

Are you aware that the green blob that I've worked with every Monday for 12 years, you're giving him credit for you going to the gym? He's never done any... He doesn't even walk anywhere. Relax, Tony.

No way! Wow, how about that? That is incredible. Yeah, Jimmy.

Look how much fun this guy's having up here. He's adorable. There's gotta be something about it. There's something about this fucking guy. I can't quite put my finger on it. Solomon, you have any pets? No. No. You say that like you kick puppies.

Yes.

What would be your solution to this dog problem that you think we have here in America? Um...

Wow. Coming from a guy that harbored Osama bin Laden for quite some time.

But... Solomon, I'll tell you what, dude. You've been on the show once before? Yes. Okay. And what size joke book did you get last time?

No, there's one size smaller. This is actually a medium joke book. I was going to give him a medium one because believe it or not, I do believe that set got more laughs than your last set. Would you agree? Yes. Well, then my friend, that's a little bit of growth for you. There you go. Thank you. On to the next one we go. Are we having fucking fun in here tonight? Yeah.

There goes Solomon, everybody.

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This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Guys, summer is officially here and seasonal businesses are hiring everything from mule packers to drama camp leaders to the most beautiful women in the world to drop off drinks. This means that people with specific skills are in high demand and not easy to find.

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ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. The name broke in half. Make some noise for your next comedian, Sean Stewart, everyone. Sean Stewart.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? He made it! Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? And that is the best damn band in the land. The great Carlos Sosa over there on horns, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Nachos Belgrande. Belvita Chalupa. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. They call him Big Mike.

There's no doubt about it, that Pakistani cowboy will suck you right back into fucking Cuba, my friend. He'll teleport you. And he's a self-lubricating gay cowboy. I mean, he stays wet. Most men don't get wet.

Yeah. Very smart, very smart, the opening line, I love dogs, and then it all went downhill from there. I thought it went all right. Oh, okay. I can't imagine how it must normally go for you to think that was all right. No, it was okay. No, okay. That's good. Yes, argue with the person that's been doing this 780 times. That's great. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I love it.

You're wearing the pants that the last guy should have been wearing. Those are very loose fitting. An interesting type of cargo pant. I do believe they're on backwards.

That's the upgrade?

Okay. Wow.

All right.

And here you are. So this is an upgrade from last time. Yeah. Did you keep anything in those absolutely stupid pockets? Yes.

What made you quit drinking?

Say that again. I shit white one day. You shit white? Yeah. White poop came out of your butt? Yeah. Tell us more. I've never heard of this. I've been alive for 40 years. I've never heard of white poop before.

Jimmy Carr, let's check in here.

It is absolutely frightening to think that you shit white. Yeah. So you just happened to glance at the toilet? You always look at your poop before you flush it?

Yeah, okay. And this time you must have.

Okay, let's go just a little bit slower here. Apologizing to your mother and confessing every drug you've done since New Year's Eve. So did you go see a doctor after you shit white? Yeah. And what exactly did the doctor tell you?

Did you pay the doctor after this?

Okay, no one asked you that. So, okay, all right, what do you do for work?

All right, I'm sure they feel the same way about you. What do you do for fun now, Sean, other than hard drugs? I do photography a bit. You're out there taking pictures? What are you taking pictures of exactly? Did you happen to take a picture of your white shit?

Yeah, he's a big boy. What's your love life like, Sean? You seem like you couldn't please a woman.

Why? What makes you want to be in a real relationship right now? I don't know.

Have you ever cum and it comes out purple or anything like that? No. I'm so interested by your white shit. I'm wondering what other kind of Crayola bodily functions you have. No, it's cloudy sometimes, I guess. That makes sense. One guy is vomiting in the back. Texans don't appreciate talking about the color of people's cum.

Anything crazy we should know about you before we let you go?

Let me guess, she showed up and she didn't have cerebral palsy and you were disappointed? You seemed like the kind of guy that would be into that, you know what I mean?

He gets a little bit bigger every week. That is the mutilator Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Deese is back on the keys. He's been on tour, crushing it, and on bass tonight, joining us with perfect vision. The man can see, this is Nick Lewis joining the band tonight. D Magnus with a very rare night off. How much fun is this? We are here, we are live, so exciting.

Or perhaps you guys had something in common and she had colorless poop. CP. Tony Hinchless, everyone.

Oh, she got white poop too.

Did you end up hooking up with her?

Why?

No, it was just... Do you have any idea how you come across to the public? How? You got a little joke book last time? I've gotten a big one, actually. All right. Well, there you go. Go fill it up. There you go. Sean Stewart, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Keeping it moving. Sean Stewart. Wow. There she is. The lovely Heidi has joined the party, ladies and gentlemen. Every single week.

Unbelievable. All right, your next bucket pool's been on the show a couple times. Kind of a legend around these parts. Hopefully this is a new strong minute from Juanita, everybody, Juanita.

Wow. That's basically three sets in a row. I have no idea what the fuck people are talking about. Somehow Martin Phillips with full blown, shaky, wobbly cerebral palsy is the best enunciator that we've had on this show yet. Incredible. Juanita, welcome back. Thank you. It's really interesting. I don't really... What were you talking about?

I'm guessing you're rooting for the Beast in that movie.

Juanita, welcome back to the show. I'm loving watching Jimmy try to analyze what the fuck is going on right now. He's playing it cool. He's playing it real cool. Tell me everything.

Tell us about you, Juanita. Where are you in your stuff? In my comedy?

Red band.

All natural. Yeah. I like it. I like it. Tell us what it's like being trans in Texas, Juanito. What is it like? Um, that's fun. Your voice got a little deeper there. I don't know if you noticed that.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, then let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is another one guest episode, and that means that that means that I think that there's enough action packed in this one solitary guest that we're going to have the goddamn time of our lives.

Yeah? What's that like? What do they say? How do you know they get mad?

So you worked at a pizza joint?

Okay. And there you put the sausage on the... How would it work? What's a trans pizza like exactly? Sometimes.

Got it. What's dating in Austin like for you, Juanita? What exactly are you into?

Oh, fuck. This dude just accidentally got excited and raised his hand. He's like, fuck yeah. And then he's like, oh, shit. Forgot there. Hell yeah, dude. You're going to get butt fucked tonight, bro. I love it.

So explain to us, they're like sliding into your DMs?

Wow. Did you put your shrimp on his Barbie?

A little... Yeah, wow. So, you woke up, and then the Australian and you had sex.

It's interesting that you have limitations.

I love it when your voice accidentally goes low, and I love that we can laugh about it. Normally, people do not have a good sense of humor. You really stand out.

Oh, that's Tom Segura after breaking his arm, by the way, if you're wondering what that noise is. I know, it sounds like gay sex, but it's Tom Segura after breaking his arm playing basketball.

wow Juanita always an amazing interview with you you are such a fucking love that such an exception there is a huge stereotype that trans people don't have good sense of humors that is a thing and you are the exception to that rule without a doubt Jimmy

Absolutely. I agree with Jimmy 100%. And it's always that way. And you'll get better at doing comedy that way if you do it at these open mics and everything around here. Yeah.

Yeah.

And, you know, there's... There's also a stereotype that women aren't funny, and I gotta tell you, you are the exception to that rule too. Juanita, you already have a big joke book? I filled it up. You filled it up? Well, just like you did with the Australian. I'll tell you what, you're getting another one right here. There you go, Juanita, ladies and gentlemen.

Ooh, a standing O from some white boys out here. Must be Australians. Yeah, there they are. This party's wild.

Girls aren't normally that good at catching stuff. That's true. She's good at catching that, and I'm sure that's not the only thing she's caught before. Your pickle hole? What was the hook?

You're thinking of a whole different thing. You're thinking of your little pickle over there, huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest guests in the show's history. We haven't been able to get him on since before the pandemic, because he's a global international superstar. And it ain't easy booking these people on a Monday night, but we got them tonight.

Holy shit, this really is the best show in all of comedy. It's amazing, I gotta say. Sometimes I sit back and I'm just a fan. I'm just a fan. Hello, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when I started this podcast, it seemed like I had to figure it all out on my own.

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When you sign up for email and text, that's 10% off at tecovas.com. Tecovas.com. See site for details. Tecovas. Point your toes west. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool looks like a new name. Make some noise for Blazing Nana, everybody. Blazing Nana.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest comedians in the world currently on a global, huge fucking tour. Make some noise for one of my favorite comedians. This is Jimmy Carr, everybody.

hello do you see me england london it's me the young king here with the prime rib minister brian redman inviting you to the lovely o2 arena for one night only june 7th that's enough it's enough too much sauerkraut for you oh your hat

Oh.

Wow. Blazing Nana. Oh, my goodness. There's so much going on here. I have so many questions. Jimmy. Yeah.

That guy who was told by his friend to watch the dog sold it to you? How much did he sell it for?

It's a similar story. Oh, 125, that's a good deal on kids. Okay, stick with me here, Blazing Nana. 125 for basically stealing someone else's dog, I find that to be an odd number. Did the negotiations start at 100 and the homeless guy said 125?

Wow.

Blazing Nana. So you just moved here from Oakland. Yes. Now, when someone like you moves to Texas from Oakland, do you put your trailer... Do you like sit in it while they're driving? You have trailer energies, am I correct? Do you live in a trailer?

So this is a long way to get to, yes.

You live in a trailer?

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

Okay.

The American tour, Australia, New Zealand, and Europe. Jimmy Carr with 2Rs.com. The man, the myth, roast god, super comedian. And when him and I get together, we tend to have what we would call a hootenanny.

Okay. There's no keys on your keys. Oh, they're inside. Oh, okay. You don't need to pull them out. It's all right. Why are we going through Nana's bag?

It's a thing we do. Like, she's a regular on the show. These are tweezers.

Oh, wow.

We get chin hairs. You are something else.

Cam's under the weather tonight. He's not going to be here.

Okay. You have a lot of gas?

Okay.

Wow. Amazing. That is true. You're reigning, defending national champions, the Ohio State University, everybody. You're just going to have to learn to love it. Yeah, there's a playoff now.

Wow. My God, you are an all-American fucking little whippersnapper. Look at you. Have you ever done crystal meth before? No. No. What's the craziest thing you have done?

That would be your cousin by law. We're getting word. I'm getting word in my ear that that is indeed your cousin. Calling it your stepdad's cousin does not make it your cousin. That is your cousin through marriage.

I can literally see Jimmy booking a flight to England in his head right now to get the fuck back away from him.

Wow, nothing you really say makes sense. Blazing Nana, how have you made money your whole life?

Well, that explains everything.

What's the brain injury from?

But... But... Yeah, what was that? Was that a baseball bat? Oh, my God. Red... Oh, red band. Don't. Don't. Red band. Beat that. Beat that.

We're going to have fun. Jimmy, you know the show very well. And over 230 comedians signed up for the chance to be here tonight. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud and interrupts them.

That's right.

That's right.

Oh, my God. Oh my God. That is the first time in this show's history that someone hasn't had a belly button. Incredible Blazing Nana. First one. You really are blazing. A new trail.

You are unbelievable. All right, well, I mean, absolutely incredible. This is your first time on this show, right?

You get a little joke book to put in that fanny pack, Blazing Nana. There you go. You're welcome. One more time for Blazing Nana, everybody. How fun. It's a hell of a show. Isn't it great? Heidi, bringing us all back to normal levels of testosterone in the room. After... after a trans woman and whatever the fuck Blazing Nana was went back to back, back to back. What could happen next?

Make some noise for your next comedian, JJ Curry, everybody. JJ Curry.

And then I conduct an interview. We have a lot of fun. We meet them all together.

Wow, what a set, exactly 60 seconds. Unbelievable, welcome JJ Curry. Wow, how long you been doing standup JJ? 12 years. 12 years, well that's about an eighth of a century right there. Absolutely incredible. Wow, 12 years, Jimmy, what do you think?

That is a hell of a set of teeth you have there, my friend JJ. It is the standout thing about you.

That is true. The rare exception to British people have bad teeth. You're getting roasted for... That's like you making fun of him for being such a good basketball player. JJ, what do you do for work with a set of teeth like that?

Oh, man.

Okay. Awesome. And you got the lung disease from, like, burning garbage out in the... No, it's a long story.

No.

That's what happens. You find out a lot about that on this real show with real people. Find out a lot about that in real life. Yeah. No, it's fine. You can talk about it here. The club is owned by Joe Rogan. Vaccine injuries are... appreciated here. It's a real thing that really exists in real life. You don't see that on other mainstream networks. You can only find that here on YouTube.

So right after you got that shot, did you notice something?

It is, it is incredible. Let's enjoy them while we have them. Absolutely. Two of them have cancer. One of them is certainly gonna be deported to El Salvador any day now. There's a lot to worry about over there. Let's go to this illegal immigrant and let him pick the first name. Right up the top, that's what kind of bucket pool you are?

And what branch?

Okay. I was going to ask what branch do you hang off of sometimes with one arm?

Jimmy blocking his face with his glass so that he can keep up. Christ, Tony.

Christ.

I just moved here in October. Very nice. Where'd you move from? Tampa, Florida. Okay. Yep, that makes sense. And you don't do anything for extra income just out of curiosity?

Okay.

Very cool. Very cool. What do you do for fun? What does J.J. Curry do for fun? Oh, shit. Nothing really. Just be miserable. Yeah. With teeth like that, I'm guessing eating pussy is impossible. No.

He puts the click in. Yeah. He knows where the click is. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Absolutely incredible.

You put the click there. Amazing, JJ. What's your favorite type of woman? What does your dream girl look like to you?

Asian? Oh, my goodness. This is Red Band's territory. Red Band is our senior Asian correspondent. Perhaps you could show him how to find the click before you leave here. And you've been with an Asian before? Yeah. Wow, look at the yes on that. That's like a guy that has his own goddamn Yakuza waiting for him back at home. Absolutely incredible.

And have you been with an Asian since you moved to Austin, Texas?

So you haven't been with an Asian Texan yet? Not a Texan one. Wow. Where do you find these Asians that you tend to?

Yeah. You just put on your camouflage and hide in a bush and... It was just... It was like, you got a green card, you know what I'm saying?

Absolutely. What else do you do for fun? What else do you do for fun, JJ?

Walks and shit. I love it. Very good. You really do love the Asians. That is one of their favorite things to cook in is a walk. Now, what's amazing about, you know, I never know, Bonsai, the great Adrian Cavazos, always has a different setup of books every single week. And this one is extra interesting tonight. There's four big joke books, and one just so happens to be absolutely jet black.

And it just seems to me only fitting, JJ Curry, that you would get this one. It's a perfect fit. Jimmy? If there was any justice, it would be one eighth white. The pages technically count. We're counting the pages here. It was a great set. Unbelievable. JJ, what's the longest set you've ever done before? 45 minutes. 45 minutes?

You just got booked on a real show here on Kill Tony. There he goes. J.J. Curry, ladies and gentlemen. And it goes on and on. Do you know ball? Because this is it. The final series of the playoffs. Championships on the line. And if you've got takes, it's time to put them to the test on PrizePix. The only place I trust to turn my hot takes into cold, hard cash. It's simple.

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Your next comedian goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado, everybody. Make some noise for Ronaldo, everyone.

Ronaldo Mercado. Great stuff. Unbelievable minute. Fantastic. Really good, Ronaldo. Thank you, thank you. Great. How long you been doing stand-up? It'll be seven years in July. Seven years in July.

To get us warmed up here tonight, this is a brand new minute from one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Here to flex off another new minute of material, make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, everybody.

Right. Amazing. That's two comedians in a row that had a black father. Incredible. Rinaldo. What do you do for work, Rinaldo?

There is a look to you. It's very, very rare amongst Latino people, I've noticed, but you have a look. Do you have a Latino barber?

She's Mexican as well? No, no. She's a white girl?

What were you saying there? You were in elementary school and then what?

And so how long has it been?

Wow, amazing. Okay, Ronaldo. And you live here in Austin? Yeah. For how long? It'll be a year next week, actually. And where'd you move from? St. Louis. Okay. So you and her were together. She moved down here, too. Mm-hmm. Okay. And what do you guys do for fun?

You've been with her for nine years. Do you have any secrets to satisfying a woman for nine years? How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom?

Yeah. Yeah, you missed a hell of a thing earlier, Ronaldo. I thought that was just some British shit.

Very funny, Ronaldo. This is incredible. Thank you. How amazing. Wow, you're built for stand-up comedy, Ronaldo. Thanks. Actually, I was on this show almost seven years ago. Really?

When we were just visiting Austin or no, St. Louis?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow. First person we've had up here all night that's gained weight in the last few years. Everyone else is like, I have 400 pounds. I don't have a belly button no more.

Not really known for my impressions, but I do a hell of a blazing nana. Can I ask a question?

Wow. Interesting. How often do these thoughts come into your head?

Yeah. I don't know about this exactly. You know, we have... If you use the promo code KILLTONY... What is it? Space80. What is it? Talkspace. That's right. Talkspace.com. Use the promo code Space80. Thank you. How about a hand for Yoni, everybody? He's... A Jew that keeps the show on its tracks, everyone. Everyone needs a good Jew.

I highly implore you to hire a Jew, no matter what industry you're in, really. Even if you're cleaning Airbnbs like his girlfriend, everyone can use a Jew. They give you good business advice, and there's one fan of the Jews back here. Welcome to Texas. There's one guy that agrees with me. Rinaldo, one more time, what do you do for fun around here?

So that is, the haircut does make sense.

Yeah.

Wow. Look at you. All right, Ronaldo. Amazing set. What's the longest set you've ever done? Like 45 minutes. 45 minutes?

And back to Brown, by the way. Back to Brown. Ronaldo Mercado. He's good. Yeah. Yeah. Two amazing comedians back to back. And now we turn it up a notch. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of the regulars of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I mean, what can I say? The guy is, without a doubt, probably, god damn it, one of the most fucking incredible forces in the history of Kill Tony.

killing it everywhere he goes. Probably, pound for pound, not only one of the top young rising comedians in the world, but probably straight up just one of the best comedians in the world. This is a brand new minute or more from the great and powerful, the one and only, future resident of the United States of America.

I can't get over it. I'm loving your stuff.

The boy's a freak. It's an absolute sensation. I don't know if there's anything ever been quite like it in the history of this show.

Yeah.

You made some adjustments? No. Okay. 100% same. Yeah. The people down the street suck. They suck, dude. Yeah, you were right.

So, Ari Matty, you are a sensation. You're traveling all over, doing it, long sets, absolutely everywhere. What's the update? What have you been up to lately?

Yeah. Holy shit.

Please tell me what this dynamic duo was up to in the great state of Florida.

They start... Oh, shit.

Fuck yeah, Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, with another new minute, again and again and again. Not afraid to come out and get the show started. Welcome, Jimmy Carr, is this your first time seeing Martin?

This is my squad. They're like, ah, those are the Kill Tony guys right there. Incredible. So you guys were in Florida.

Fuck the bar.

And you're there with your wingman, Martin Phillips, who literally has a permanent wing.

You have been frozen in carbonite. That's it. I can do two impressions. Princess Leia and Blazing Nana.

Is one of them wearing a fanny pack?

So you see these two girls and you're like, these are our girls.

But now the music's playing. They can't even hear you say that. It's over. Yeah.

Oh, my God. One of the funniest people on stage, off stage. This is a joy to watch. It's unbelievable. We get to drink together at night. We get to sit at fucking Mitzi's and get trashed together, and he's this funny all the time. It's absolutely ridiculous. All right, Matty, you are a goddamn sensation. Thank you, Tony. Freak of nature. He's a freak. I love it.

You get to see it live week after week. The Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. Back to the bucket we go. Not easy to follow Ari Matty. This is going to be a minute uninterrupted for Rodrigo Marin, everybody. Make some noise for Rodrigo.

All right. Rodrigo Marin. Not only do you have Pete Davidson's look down, you also have his stand-up act down as well.

Yeah.

26. What do you do for work?

A lot of people going to the gym for fun. When did the gym become an answer for what do you do for fun? This episode. It's people.

Okay. All right. Okay. Did you do steroids? No, no. Right. You don't believe me. No, I believe you. Okay. I believe you. You are an interesting looking guy. The longer I stare at you, the weirder looking you get. Same here to you, to be honest. Wow, what a comeback. What an amazing comeback. Same to you. Well written. Your act is getting stronger after the minute.

Rodrigo, so what's your love life like, Rodrigo?

It's gotten worse every... How long have you been doing comedy?

All of it here in Austin?

Okay. The long 45-minute drive from San Antonio.

All right. So you live on the west side of San Antonio?

All right. You have a big family? I do, yeah. How many brothers and sisters do you have?

This guy's great. He's great. We call him Stephen Walking.

What? Is that your best material, you think? Or is that stuff you've written recently?

No, just like 30 seconds. All right, let's hear one of your best jokes. Yeah, I want to hear one of your best jokes. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his best jokes. It's a little bit longer. I'm going to give him a chance here. I want to see what you got. You're in half in. Rodrigo, man.

Wow.

Amazing. Okay. Rodrigo, let's try to figure out some real actual funny stuff about your actual life. Okay. Other than the gym, right? What are some other things that you tend to do or that are interesting or that make you different or your perspective is different or that you find weird about you or your life or your upbringing or anything? Anything ever happen to you?

You ever get molested or something?

Cool. That is a badass fucking, that's merch for days.

Let's unlock his phone. Let's do it. Let's get the phone unlocker out here.

If you could keep it quiet. She's Mexican. Then we'll have Michael Gonzalez translate for us.

This is crazy. Here, you got to put the... FaceTime or... What's your mother's name? Shanna. Shanna. Shanna. Okay. And make sure you put the volume all the way up, and then when you hit send on the call, put the microphone up to the absolute bottom of the phone, right up against it, okay? Okay, she does work in the morning, so let's see. She's awake.

Put the phone... Put the mic next to the bottom of it. Put it on speaker. Put it on speaker. Oh, you're FaceTiming her. With a face like that, I would go with an audio call. It's a FaceTime only a mother could love. Come on, pick up, Shayna. Turn it up. Turn the volume up. No way. Give me that. Oh, shit.

Hello? Excuse me. Shane, are you there? Oh, it beeped.

You fell for it. Jimmy, what the fuck? Your mom is... You fell for her voicemail, dude?

She's drunk. She's drinking. She's off. Okay. Hold on. Shayna, hello. Hello? Shayna, can you hear me?

What? Shayna.

But where is this guy? How can we track him down? Rodrigo wants to meet him. And where do you think we should look if we wanted to find him, Shayna?

You're on the show right now, Shayna. You're on one of the biggest shows in the world right now. My name's Tony.

Shayna, I'm looking at the picture that you're unbelievably stunning. Oh, thank you. Yeah. What are you doing Wednesday night? Oh, I'm kidding.

Rodrigo, you might not know who your dad is, but you're about to meet your stepdad right now.

She's very hot. Look at that picture. Wow. This is the first time ever where I can really look a guy in the eyes and go, I want to fuck your mom. He took a picture of it? No way. What are you going to do with that later, right, man? Oh, my God, he really did. Yeah, she's a smoke show. Oh, my God. It's crazy. Oh, my goodness. Spank bank for Red Band. Wow. Eyebrows on fleek is what they say.

Yeah, she's got some cleavage there. They used to... All right. Okay. Looks like you and I have more in common than I thought when I first saw you. Because I'm also going to suck on your mother's tail.

But I'll always be here. You'll always know right where I am. And any time you need a father figure in your life, come to me and I'll help you.

I could see why your dad left now that you're a little gold digging boy. That's what you are. All right, I'll tell you what. Even though the minute was pretty rough, maybe it's because you were following Ari Matty and also the joke about the gay bar, you know, whatever. But I'm giving you a medium joke book here just so that you could put in a good word for me with your mom.

That's fine. Fun times, Rodrigo. Keep signing up. We'll come back again. Rodrigo Marin, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. Let's get one more bucket pull up here. We're running a little bit long here tonight. Make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night. It's Adam Sincere. This is definitely a new name. I would remember an Adam Sincere. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

One more time for your final bucket pull of the night. Adam Sincere, ladies and gentlemen.

Let me ask you a question, because now I'm interested. Was Stephen Hawking, when he was in your audience, was he typing, like, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha? Was he, like, making noise? He was trying to get out. Ha-ha-ha! He's trying to back up out of there. Oh, my goodness. Martin, what else is going on this week? You found the dog. That's huge. We found him. You guys might not know, but his dog got away.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, I completely agree. You have a look. You fucking dress up for the night. You look like a professional. You act like, you move like a professional. The jokes could use up a little bit of something, but obviously you're a year, two, whatever, two years before the pandemic. It's like you're coming back.

You're making some kind of return. I'm trying to. And you just moved here a week and a half ago, so you're in the right place. I feel like it, especially after this adulation. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

Hey, this is your only chance to see us on the other side of the world, because we're pure-blood Americans. We're putting on an act right now, pretending to be English to get you to buy tickets, making us feel like we're connected in some way. But we are coming. The number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th.

Yeah. Yeah. Family guy meets Scooby Doo. Something's going on here. What do you do for work exactly?

Preferably. Do you have any experience in farming whatsoever? Is there a lot of farming where you live in Boston? Uh, no. Right. Well, I'm eager.

So, yeah, did you go to the farmhand interview dressed like that? Actually, I didn't get a callback. Wow. A callback? It's not a show business.

My agent said I didn't get the role of the fireman. How about the PI thing? Do you have any experience in that whatsoever?

So you only have experience bartending, pretty much?

How many years have you bartended? Four. Okay, so yeah, have you thought about looking for bartending jobs in the city of Austin, a place which per capita has more bars than any other city in the world?

You did get a call back, very good. Fingers are crossed for the job that you actually can do. Jimmy Carr.

So, Adam Sincere, tell us, how do you end up like this? You have a wacky family, childhood or something?

How old are you again? For some reason you look young and like you fought in Vietnam.

It is incredible.

Yeah, it's amazing. What else have you done comedically? Like, what type of accomplishments do you have?

It is true. I'm trying to figure out, what do you do for fun? What are your hobbies and whatnot?

That means pot. You're talking about pot?

Are you Gary Oldman playing a character right now? He's literally the best actor in the world, and I'm starting to see it. And today, you're so good, you're playing a 31-year-old wacky comedian who's looking for a job in Austin. That's why you keep accidentally saying callback for all these things. You're one of the greatest actors in the world, aren't you?

Have people told you you look like Gary Oldman?

This is so interesting. Thank you. God damn. You need to get him a good bartending job somewhere. It's a shame we don't know anybody that owns a comedy club around here. They must be staffed at the time. How much longer do you have until you run out of money and have to go back to the Charles River with your... You probably do have a tail between your legs.

I mean, he does have a look like he might have a weird little tail that waggles, and we can't see it because it's underneath his pants. Anybody else get that? Okay. It's the first time I've said that in 12 years.

Prove it. Whoa, all right, that's enough, that's enough, that's... Whiskey time. Yeah, you're giving us all a whiskey hole right now.

Okay, tell us about this car accident. Were you walking or driving? Bicycling. Wow, okay. Do you have a basket on the front of your bike? I can picture a basket. You do? It was on the back, but I did have a basket. He had a basket on the bike. Let the record show I saw a basket. And God damn it, he had a basket.

So great.

Oh, so it was late in the middle of the night.

The world is wondering right now. So they hit you, they left the car running, they... Well, that's going to be triggering.

So they hit you, and then they get out of the car and run on foot?

What type of person was it? What did they look like?

OK, final question here. What amount of money did you get from this lawsuit?

Could have been worse. No doubt about it.

12,000, Jimmy. I might start running people over. And then just sit there staring straight forward with the windows up. Here's your money. Amazing. Sorry. Well, Adam Sincere, very fun times. Keep signing up for this show. You're very lucky. It's only been a week and a half. This is your first time signing up today?

Okay, but look at you. You're very lucky, except for when it comes to riding a bicycle. Here's a big joke book, my friend. Congratulations. Adam Sincere has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Thank you. What a fucking episode tonight. And there's only one way to end an episode like this. Kill Tony brought to you by Blue Nile, Knit, and Bluetooth. Reminder, Jimmy Carr is on a global tour.

JimmyCarr.com. He's going to Australia, New Zealand, and Europe. And all over America. JimmyGard.com. Ladies and gentlemen, now is the time that you have all been waiting for. I present to you the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever in the history of the show. The most interviews ever. The most everything ever. Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him the great king of...

Kebabs, he's known for going to food trucks. Some people call him the Prince of Pizza, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla.

And so someone told you that they saw your dog with homeless people?

The legend. The one. The only. The young king, William Montgomery, Jimmy Carr. I mean, Louis C. KFC.

Well, she works at a storage unit facility, and you're now one of the most famous comedians in the world. How exciting is that? Come on. Come on.

How often do you think about it? We never really talk about that.

And the joy you bring to others is unmatched, William. It is incredible. Every single week... Also, what was it like fighting in the Civil War?

You just feel like you're from another era. I love it. It is such a look, William. What have you been up to this week? Where did you go?

Every once in a while, he snaps back into having cocaine energies. What else did you... Did you snack on anything else at the fair?

I had a turkey leg!

Amazing. To be honest with you, I was making bets. with Red Band that you were not going to be able to get your dog back. I thought the last person that will be able to get a lost dog is you, Martin.

Wow.

So what have you been eating since you got these blood test results? Give us some of the snacks that you've been eating since you found out you were pre-diabetic. Yeah, were you 1-0-8 for dinner tonight? Yeah.

Are you ever going to stop eating crazy? I don't think I'm ever going to stop eating peanut butter and jelly!

The reigning, defending record holder on every level of the show, and he's done it again. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in of tonight's guest, Jimmy Carr. It is incredible. How about one more time for Jimmy Carr, ladies and gentlemen? JimmyCarr.com. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you, Tony. One of the best guests in the history of the show. We love you, Jimmy. Un-fucking-believable.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up over there tonight. Oh, I'm guessing that's... Casey? Maybe. Casey Rockett? Ari Matty? Okay, Ari Matty, all right. Sometimes they need a little touch-up after the show, you know what I mean? They get dialed in. How about one more time for Chris Rogers, amazing local artist. We love him. Chris Rogers Art on social media.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Matt Muehling, John Bees, Nick Lewis on the bass, Michael Gonzalez, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo. Red Band?

I'm doing stand-up comedy at Madison Square Garden night one in August, August 16th or the 17th? Madison Square Garden. Yeah. And then we're doing Kill Tony the next night. So it's a big two-night fiasco at Madison Square Garden. You're coming to London, right? You're coming to London. And we're going to be in London in a month. June 7th. June 7th, yeah. June 7th in London. Kill Tony. Get tickets.

Let's go. We love you. God bless this audience. Thank you so much. We love you.

I don't blame him. I deserve that.

Oh, my God. Wow, I know someone who's taking a few weeks off of the show.

I love it. I can't believe you speak dog. It's interesting how God takes away some things and gives you other gifts. That's incredible. Martin, you are a fucking international superstar. And you got the show started yet again. One more time for one of the top young rising comedians in the world, Martin Phillips, everybody. Spoiler alert, he's not nervous. He has cerebral palsy.

Okay, this is to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Over 200 people, as you know. They have no idea that they're going up until a name is pulled. You know, anything can happen here. It could be the next great comedian found right here. It could be a completely insane person. We're gonna meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And we'll see you then.

Your first comedian of the night goes by the name of Solomon, everybody. Solomon is first.

Why are you laughing like that, Solomon? What's going on? You're sweating like I've never seen anything like it before. You were dry when you came out here a minute ago. Yes.

It is incredible.

Yeah. This is amazing, I've never seen anyone so wet on the show before. I know, I'm so wet I'm dripping. You're kind of gay, dude. What's going on, Solomon? You look like you're on the Indian, what is that? What do they call that? It's like a Bollywood Brokeback Mountain or something like that. Jimmy. What about clothes that fit? You are dressed like your outfit is painted on you.

Well, you watch a movie or whatever.

Right.

Okay. The multiverse. Let's get back to the multiverse. Okay. So is the multiverse... Are we about to have a breakthrough in science where they go, OK, so physics says there must be multiple universes? Now, just in my gut, I think that feels like an explanation that doesn't work. Like you're having to force that explanation on physics.

There must be... It's that thing that Eric Weinstein's always talking about, about how physics hasn't really... done anything, string theory has singularly failed to deliver. It hasn't shipped any product. Like everything that we're looking at, all those foldable phones, it's all out of physics. Physics is the science. Everything else is stamp collecting. Physics is everything.

It's given us all of this. And yet it hasn't done much for 50 years. What are they like? I don't want to sound conspiratorial.

Yeah, I think so. I don't think so.

No, it's almost like folding time.

What happened with New Jersey? Good question. It feels like the news cycle, it's actually back to Eric Weinstein, it's that thing of anti-interesting. That's such an interesting story that was in the news cycle for 24 hours and they went, oh, okay. They killed it. Nothing, I guess.

Oh, yeah. It's the broken arrows, they call them. And apparently there's like 18 broken arrows. And you go, what's a broken arrow? Well, it's a thermonuclear missile, and we don't know where it is. We've misplaced that. Yeah. That's no great news, is it?

Yeah. Well, I mean, that's the argument for life visiting us is the idea that we split the atom. And somehow that's like a fire alarm in the universe.

Yeah.

I've got zero problem in the sauna. I tell you where the problem comes. What? Post cold plunge. Yeah. That is some baby dick. You know where the real problem comes? Aggressive gay men. In Saunas? Yeah. I mean, there was very little of that going on, I think. Well, most of the time. I think Saunas had that reputation for... Oh, I've seen it.

It feels like, I don't know, 10 years ago, talking about being visited by aliens was like absolutely tinfoil. And now politicians are asking questions and we kind of want to know more. And yet it feels like it's kind of a new story that wouldn't be surprising now.

I worry that the government is like... There's a theory that there hasn't really been an American government since 1945. No, since 63. Well, because... everything got siloed. Like in wartime, everyone's talking to everyone and making everything happen and it's like, okay, we're at war. And then everything gets siloed and okay, that's a secret thing, that's a secret thing, that's a secret thing.

And then the guy that's holding the secret keys retires and that whole department's just funded forever but you don't quite, they're not talking to them.

I've got to thank you for that book.

So I can't recommend it enough. I listened to the episode. I went back and listened to your episode with the guy and I went, okay, this is interesting. What's he called again? Tom O'Neill. Tom O'Neill. He's got a new podcast, by the way. Does he? He's got a new podcast where he's kind of going like an in-depth interview. It's with Rick Rubens. You know, Rick Rubens got a podcast.

His podcast company has done one with him.

He's got a great podcast. He's the best.

So you use willpower rather than your.

So I listened to the thing, and then I went away and I read the book. And the book is like, you kind of read it and go, this can't be... That's an extraordinary chapter. This can't get any weirder. And then you go... So Charles Manson is connected to the Kennedy assassination. And what? Sorry.

He's also connected to the MK ultra experiments, which which are real, which sounds so much fucking weirder than any other conspiracy theory you've ever heard. And they're real. Yeah. Yeah. And you I mean, it's like the book is just. Yeah, it's wonderful.

Yeah.

I don't know, because if they visited America, then they visited China and Russia. And you sort of think, well, balance of probability, all of those governments don't agree about anything. Like, so the idea of going, well, if they're here, they're everywhere. Right.

But it would sound like bullshit unless you experience it. I'm sorry, but that thing of like, yeah, it does sound like bullshit in a sense. But then there's also the other thing of like, if you showed me that flip phone in 1982, I'd have gone, well, that's bullshit. You can't fold a TV so you can all fuck off. Like...

What are you talking about? What do you mean you can make calls on it? How is there a camera on your phone? We get used to shit so quick. Someone had that thing of like, I don't know when the Wright brothers first flew the plane, but it's like 60 years later we land on the moon.

But this is Eric's point of like if you Eric Weinstein and who else has it? The guy used to work for it. He often sort of says, if you minus the screens from the room, we're in the 1970s.

Which I think is kind of like what's happened since then? What are they working on that we haven't? Is there going to be a ta-da moment where they pull back the sheet and go, yeah, look at that?

But it's interesting. Okay. We were talking about earlier about purpose. So that's what it's missing. So the idea of like the Turing test is it's the wrong end of the telescope. Can it fool us? Anyone can fool us. Magicians can fool us with a cartridge.

Try not to scare me. Yeah.

See, it's that thing of going, if an AI can write a joke. It can write infinite numbers of jokes, right? But it doesn't know what's funny. It's not going to be able to perform live. Well, it's that thing of like, it doesn't have any, there's no reward system. So there's no dopamine, there's no serotonin, there's no reason, there's no cortisol, there's no biological imperative.

Why do anything if you're just a machine? So the idea of going, where does consciousness stem from? It gets very sort of philosophical.

I think I went to, I flew to Amsterdam earlier in the year with a friend to see Richard Dawkins give a talk. And it was kind of, I mean, he's just fascinating. And you go, well, that idea of going, we are, you know, it's a selfish gene. It's the idea that we are, it's the DNA is the thing. We're this thing that's there to transfer DNA.

Have you been there with someone when they die? No. I was with my mother and I heard this kind of a death rattle. There's a, but it's, I would really caution anyone with a sick or dying relative to be with them, to sit with them. Like the whole of our society is like set up to – what's the fancy phrase? Eschew obfuscation. We hide decay. We hide death. And actually death is – it's a part of life.

And if you sit with someone when they're dying and you witness that and you just hold that space, it's incredibly powerful. And it makes grieving – I think quite a lot easier because it's the acceptance of like you understand on a like on a right brain gestalt level. Oh, they've gone. It's over. But it's incredibly powerful thing.

And, you know, I think you get to religion whichever way you go at this, whether you go physics or whether you go spiritual or whatever. You get to the mystery. You get to the mystery.

Well, I've always thought that that's a really interesting thing of how hard you work is important. But what you work on is the most important. Yeah. You know, it's that thing about you were talking about horoscopes or something. It's amazing how much knowledge and information and experts someone can be in total horseshit.

Like what the hell is going on?

Well, I think there's a bedrock in our society that we can't even see because it's everywhere. And it's two big ideas. It's the Platonic ideals, so Plato, and it's the – I think it was the Zarathustrans, if I'm saying that right, that religion. So Platonic ideals was like the ideal version of something, and then it was the Zarathustrans had the idea of heaven.

They were the first religion to have the idea of heaven, a perfect place. And I kind of – I mean Nietzsche has been very misused by history – But his thing was embrace the chaos. We spend our lives thinking about the perfect diversion. Like we're trying to come up with the answer. We're trying to solve something as if it's complicated. And it isn't complicated. It's complex. It's unknowable.

It is a mystery. It's not hidden from us. It's just it's a mystery. And it's the idea that you go embracing the chaos is just saying, yeah, it's kind of untidy. We don't get to know.

I think we have to embrace the chaos because we're not going to know that.

And how are we – what's that book? It's something like The Ape That Understood the Universe. The idea that we – just like people, we got born in this moment. like the perfect bit of history. Right. Where we can contemplate our consciousness and try and work out what the hell this is. There's a whole thing about the bicameral mind that's very interesting. Have you heard of that? Yes.

Like the idea that like people weren't awake. They weren't kind of conscious in the way that we're conscious until 2000 years ago. I doubt you subscribe because you're very interested in ancient Egypt and

I'm so interested in like the time scales, the idea that we live closer to Cleopatra than Cleopatra lived to the building of the pyramids. Because what I don't think people recognize is. what the Egyptians gave the Greeks. And what they gave them was the fear. Because they ran that shit for 4,000 years, 5,000 years, exactly the same. The royal family, and they just inbred, inbred, inbred.

But they ran their society exactly the same, right? And then the Greeks went, no, no, we need to innovate. So the idea of that kind of innovation came from, we don't want to be like those guys. We've got to keep doing things.

So it's kind of the Greeks were to the Romans. I kind of feel like how the British are to the Americans.

It's often that thing that they talk a lot about wine in the Bible. But wine didn't used to be just alcohol. Well, this is in Murasco's book. A lot of party favors in the wine, a lot of DMT, a lot of ayahuasca, a lot of.

This is the thing that blows my mind, the idea that psychedelics, okay, the amazing thing about psychedelics, A, there's a plant that can do that to your mind. Right. B, everyone sees the same shit pretty much.

I was chatting to Woody Harrelson was at the club last night and we were chatting about it and just- He's the best. He's unbelievable. He's such a nice guy. I'll tell you how laid back Woody Harrelson is, right? He rented a house off a buddy of mine in London, Richard Bacon, right?

and Richard sees him, like they've got some mutual friends, so he sees him after a week, and he goes to pick him up to take him to this party. He said, everything okay with the house? And Woody goes, yeah, everything's great. He goes, oh, okay. Oh, it's one thing. How do the lights work? He'd been there a fucking week. He hadn't turned the lights on?

Yeah, and he went, oh yeah, the lights don't work. Yes, okay, it'd be dark. That is a laid-back motherfucker. He's pretty laid-back.

Ari Shaffir? Yeah. He was going to move to London. I believe he still is. He's what a fantastic human being. He's the best. Again, non-fungible. You're not going to meet anyone else with that story. No. He is such an interesting character. I can't get enough of him. You know what happened the first time I met him? No.

I don't know who did this, but it's a great piece of... Okay, so I was doing the Nasty Show in Montreal, and Ari's on the boat. I meet him, and this guy's fucking terrific, right? I just have a great time. And it was... I'm trying to think who else was there. Okay, who's the guy who used to do roasts? He's no longer with us. He died. Incredible comedian.

No, not Norm. Good-looking guy. Died of a drug overdose.

Greg Giraldo.

Greg was around. I think Greg might have done this to me. Because I'm watching Ari Shaffir, and he says to me, oh, you know, of course, Ari doesn't give a fuck because he's dying of cancer. And I went, oh, my God, that's fucking terrible. Awful. So then, like, the next year, I'm at Montreal, and I see Ari again. I go, hey, how you doing, Ari? You okay? All right, buddy. Great to see you.

And he goes, what's up with you? And I'm like, no, I'm just, I'm amazed you're still here because I thought you were... No, I've never... What the fuck are you talking about? I'm fine. Total bullshit.

Fuck him. Greg Giraldo from Beyond the Grave.

Motherfucker.

He's a funny motherfucker. He was. My God, he was good.

It's a pleasure talking to you.

When it got kind of famous in our culture was I think it was a birth of a royal baby in about 1910, something like that. And the London Evening Standard had, they'd ran out of things to say about a royal baby. That's cute. It's got, you know, it's got little baby fingers and baby toes. It's a Leo. And they did that.

Someone came in and went, oh, you know it was born here and it's the year of the rat and it's a Virgo and that means with Sagittarius rising. And they wrote the thing. And then they realized everyone is kind of self-obsessed and wants to read about themselves. So that's the one bit of the newspaper that's about you. Right. So naturally people are drawn to that. And it's like cold reading.

It's like the way that they word these things, you go, well, that could apply to anyone.

This is why I'm rehydrating now because I realize I'm mainly water.

But the idea that a constellation 100 million light years away could be affecting us seems a bit of a stretch.

Is there more to this story? Where does this... No. That feels like... No. Okay. Yeah. There's no more to the story.

I wonder, is it one of these things where it's a really interesting way to think about yourself and analyze yourself? It's almost like I don't have religion, but I can see the benefits of it. I don't think religion works because mass doesn't work because God is happy, but mass works because people come together as a group and they meditate and take an hour off.

And I sort of think the great mistake, the tradition I'm from is Catholicism. Me too. And the great mistake was, I think, Vatican II, they called it. So Vatican II is where they translated the Latin into whatever your local language was and made it more accessible.

Yeah. And it's such a huge mistake because the idea was to be in awe. It's something like going to church should be like standing in nature, like being in awe of something. As soon as you translate it and you go left brain and try and make it make sense, it all falls to pieces. But it's not a left brain. Our whole culture is left brain. But it should be about right brain.

It should be about the gestalt, the whole thing, the idea of like there's a mystery here. And what's that great line? God is the name we give to the blanket. We throw over the mystery to give it shape.

I think that's ACDC's Rhodey said that. Really? Yeah.

But what a piece of wisdom. That's a genius piece of wisdom. But it is that thing of like you can call it whatever you want. You can attach it to whether it's horoscopes or whatever your religion is. But the idea of going there is a mystery. And even when you get to physics at the – I mean I love it when you have physicists on here. I mean Eric Weinstein is one of my favorite people in the world.

I just think he's a – He's brilliant.

Yeah, great guy. But you look at that and you go, and they get to the Big Bang. And you go, yeah, but what happened four minutes before that? And they go, oh, we don't know. Well, we're back to the mystery then.

A random selection of atoms coalesced into a form that can contemplate its own consciousness and existence for 4,000 weeks. Is that not enough? Will that not do?

I'm rehydrating having... Well, I think I got it from this show. The sauna cold plunge thing. I bet you did. I'm so into it. That's awesome. So addicted to it.

Most people couldn't read. I mean, really, when you think about reading. Yes. It was the Bible was the reason. The Bible was the bestseller that people went, no, I've got to go out and read a book. I got to. I got to get out.

Is that what you were referring to?

Yeah, well, the Bible... It was because it was originally in Latin.

Yeah, but the idea of the Protestantism was the idea that you've got your own relationship with God. So it went from being Catholics and Protestants to ultimately... every individual was their own church.

It's fascinating, though, there's a law of history. There's one law in history, which is unintended consequences. And the consequence of that, of course, is that we over-solve for the individual in our culture now. Protestantism had such a huge influence that it's all about the individual and less about the group. And it's got to be a balance of the two.

You know what happened?

OK. The plague happened. So when the plague happened, it wiped out about a third of the population of Earth. Right. So the plague was huge. Now, it had a much worse effect. on the priesthood because everyone got last rights. So when you were dying, you got last rights. So the priesthood was knocked out like 95% of priests died.

The standards pre the plague, the standards in the church were the smartest guy you've ever met, the smartest guy in the village, the town, the region was the priest. The smartest of the smartest guy, the most intelligent guy, became the bishop. And the pope was like, this guy's a genius. It was the best of the best, the creme de la creme. The standards for the priesthood post the plague

And that is how I met Tony Hinchcliffe. That's the origination story of...

This guy's got all his own teeth. You're in. Like it went down. And then all that thing of like the plenary indulgences where you could buy your way into heaven is all, you know, all of that came off the back of the thing. So the standards kind of went down and then it became kind of corrupted. How dirty is that one?

So dirty. Well, people don't realize that. People often laugh at like the, you know, he's going to blow himself up to get 72 virgins. The Crusaders all got a fast track to heaven.

Yeah.

Yeah. I've just discovered this.

Yeah.

If they're going to be a saint. Who's going to be a saint. You know Christopher Hitchens, the great Christopher Hitchens, right? Christopher Hitchens literally, you ever heard the phrase the devil's advocate? Of course. He had that job.

So when Mother Teresa was made a saint by the Catholic Church, they bring someone in when they're making someone a saint in the Catholic Church, in the Vatican, to be the voice of the opposition. And he got the job. He played the devil's advocate for real on Mother Teresa. He wrote a book about it.

You hate to be the conspiracy theorist. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you're familiar with your brand, but you are the conspiracy theorist.

Yeah, I don't think we can relate his death to pissing people off. No, no, no, of course not. Of course not, but it's fun to do. He was quite the writer. Oh, he's a genius. He was so- Hitch, 22. And there's a book that he wrote about politics, The Letters to a Young Contrarian. Oh my God. It's like, those bits of, it's amazing things kind of books when people write their autobiography.

You're not in that business. I'm not in that business. You're not in that business.

And it's like, it just, it's a gift. It's just, you can feel like you know them.

Isn't that why this works? Yeah, for sure. Because you go this format. There's nowhere to hide. It's three hours of conversation. You're going to talk about what you're going to talk about. It's going to come up. And it's this thing of it's authentic. And authenticity is what people crave. Oh, yeah, for sure. And it's playful. Yeah. And I think I mean, okay, this is my big theory on life.

I think play is like we don't Stop playing because we get old we get old because we stopped playing. Yes And in our job as George Bernard Shaw, I think said in first anyway, but he's wrong you get old no matter what He's full of shit.

Yeah, but maybe playing Twister when you're 70. Great. That's a good way to break a hip. But that thing of like going play is sort of in short supply. If you think about what anyone cares about, right? Like people talk about sports all the time. People talk about concerts and going to see music. People love seeing comedy and they love this kind of thing. But this is like play.

Right, yeah.

We're playing and sports is playing and theater is playing and comedy is playing and there's not enough play in life. And really, I always think of that thing like when I'm performing shows, like there's an illusion that it's me performing on stage. But actually, everyone in the room is performing. It's a performative thing seeing a show.

If you think about when you last saw, I don't know, Bruce Springsteen live. And Bruce Springsteen goes, how are you all doing? And the whole place goes, yeah. If in Starbucks someone goes, how are you doing?

Psychotic. You get kicked out. Right.

You're disappointed that the guy that hailed you wasn't attractive enough.

They're doing their bit. And especially like in our game, in comedy, it's a, because the feedback loop, everything is split tested. Everything is, how do you feel about that? And the one audience member, you know, anything about comedy and jokes.

get a hundred of them together genius they know exactly what's funny what isn't funny what's acceptable where the line is and you're getting that feedback the whole time so like doing comedy it's not it's not repetition it's iteration it's just that you're getting a constant sort of feedback from these these people it's a mind meld right isn't it

Yeah, and people want it because they want to come out. Because, you know, it used to be we'd gather around a fire and do this, right? And then we gathered around the wireless and we talked. And then we gathered around the TV and did this.

The wireless. That was what it was called. For real? Yeah, for real. That was called the wireless. Wow. Yeah. And then, you ever heard that? No. It's the wireless. RKO, the wireless. Wireless is like cellular coverage. Yeah. And then it's the, but then it's cell phones now. And we're alienated. We're more connected and less connected than ever.

And then you go out, I was in the mothership last night doing Kill Tony. And that audience were like, it's church.

We did a thing on holiday where we put our phones in the safe in the morning and then came back and checked them in the evening. It's getting more difficult because everything, you know, the podcast you're listening to, the music, everything's hooked up to this, the pictures, the camera, everything. But if you can...

Hang on, you showed me just before the show. How many unanswered text messages do you have on your phone?

Yeah, I think you feel, it feels like you might be disconnected.

In Sauna's Inn?

Okay, so in the bar. So how did you know the guy was hitting on you?

I need boredom. I need a little bit of boredom. I had this thing recently I thought about. Boredom is unappreciated serenity. Like travel. Like I'm traveling a lot at the moment. I'm on tour. And sometimes you're in an airport and there's nothing much going on. Just chill. Just sit. Yeah. Let something pop in.

Yes. Like the idea of how long something's been around is how long it's going to be around. So most stuff on the internet was produced in the last 24 hours and will be entirely forgotten in 24 hours. No one ever goes, oh, I've got to show you my favorite TikTok from two years ago.

It just doesn't happen.

Yeah.

Yeah, but that's the nature of it.

You know, I wonder. Yeah, I wonder with that. I wonder, is it the that thing of Aldous Huxley, like the idea that brave new world, our power won't be taken from us by some overlords like in 1984 will give away our power for cheap dopamine. And the problem with the world is there's a lot of cheap dopamine on offer. So, you know, doom scrolling, it's the same as in a casino.

But then there's real joy. If you go out and see live comedy, I think what we're drug dealers, right? And the two drugs, it's dopamine and serotonin. And the dopamine is you don't quite know where the punchline is coming. You know there's a punchline, but you don't know quite where it's going to be. And then there's the serotonin, the joy of laughter as well.

And then you can get a fake version online or video games are like a proxy for the career that the kid isn't having. Right. There's levels and layers and then a big boss at the end. It couldn't be a clear analogy or porn is a proxy for love and sex. It's like we go for the easy option. Yeah. But actually when you work for it, it's just better.

Way, way worse. I think it's very good for empathy to have that experience, to have a guy aggressively, drunkenly hit on you and to know what it's like. I often think being a bit famous, you kind of know what it's like to be a very attractive woman.

Okay, so back to your work ethic. So the idea that you don't do that. You spend time doing difficult things. Yeah. Like I got the cold plunge thing from listening to you. I was kind of interested in it and kind of chatted to some friends. I tried it. And loved it. But you're putting yourself in a very uncomfortable situation in order for benefits later. Yes.

It's a kind of a sacrifice you make in the moment for something later. Yeah. What draws us to that? What makes us do that?

Yeah. It's also, it's that thing of like we, like prioritizing now. Yeah. Seems to be the, if you can prioritize later, if you can sort of, Chris Williamson.

Yeah. Well, Chris Williamson's got this great thing. We were chatting about it, me and George Mack and him. It's amazing. He's great. He's the best. But that thing of like, 24 hours ahead. We've all got to serve someone in life. You've got to serve. And serving yourself in 24 hours is pretty good because it's that thing of like booze is the best example.

Drinking is you're borrowing happiness from tomorrow.

Right. So that in a very simple way, you know, like the reason.

Yeah. I find that thing of like the it's whenever I feel anxious or depressed or any of those things, we sort of think it's invariably with me. It's a hardware problem, not a software problem. So it's like, OK, have I slept? Have I exercised? Have I eaten correctly? It's a good way to put it. Hardware, software. And then you go, OK, this is a hardware problem. But it's so hard to fix that.

I mean in terms of you have predictable conversations.

When you're depressed, it's so hard to like it's like it's all very well for us to go. Well, you know, go for a run and do some exercise and have a cold plunge. It's so difficult when you're in that. I'm very empathetic to that state. And I wonder, does it help that we slightly pathologize in our language? We say depressed and anxious, not sad and worried.

I mean, I think for some people it's, listen, you don't want to be trivialized mental health problems, but you go, sometimes it's just the human condition. We're going to worry about stuff.

It really does.

Super attractive women have the same conversation with people over and over again and you blame them for being boring. Where are you from? Hey, you come around here a lot? What's going on? Yeah, it's the same conversation again and again and again. I always notice that. My friend Roisin Conaty pointed this out to me.

Well, the issue is that you want to be, I think, kindness. Right. Kindness is, it's the most wonderful thing. It is. And here's the problem with kindness. There's a lot of kindness in the moment. Like, I've got kids, you've got kids, right? Your kids want, what do they want to do? They want to eat McDonald's and they want to watch TV.

And you want to be kind in the moment, but you're going to have fat, stupid kids. Of course. So you go, well, let's have some healthy food and let's read some books and let's run around outside. And maybe they don't want to do that now. But you've got to be kind to their potential. Yes. Not just to that. And then you kind of obviously, you know, it kind of teaches you that.

And then you kind of have to apply it to yourself. Because you go, well, they're not going to pay attention to what I say. They're just going to watch what I do.

I don't think you realize, and maybe you do, I don't think you realize how much you help people. Having these conversations on here. They help me.

Yeah, it's not easy. But having these conversations, but I think there's something about you specifically, like the martial arts stuff, it's a very alpha thing, and then you're a stand-up comedian and very admired by your peers, and you can have conversations about this stuff, and I think it really cuts through to a group that wouldn't hear that.

I mean, for me, that thing that you're saying there is about agency and empathy. And I think there's a problem in our society that we give agency to people we don't like and we give empathy to people that we do like. So if there's like a right-wing Nazi rally, we say they knew what they were doing. We give them agency. We punish them.

She said really, really attractive people, like gorgeous supermodels, speak very, very slowly because no one has ever interrupted them. Like I speak quick because I'm rocking this. I go quick, come on, let's get something going here.

So we say he knew what he was doing. Okay. And then if we really like someone, we give them empathy. Okay. Yes. That's a great example. And sympathy. And the issue is we need to give everyone both. Yes. Because you go, look, no one is going to care about you more than you. You need to take responsibility for this. Right.

And you need to, you know, it's very, very tough because you want to give that agency and empathy to everyone. To give them the tools to- have a better life.

I don't know. You want to hear my hot take on AI? I would love to. All right. My hot take on AI is we were not made in God's image, but we so wanted there to be a God. We made one in our image. So if you think about the attributes of AI, it's all-knowing, all-powerful, can perform miracles. It lives in a cloud. Sorry, is that God or AI? Wow. Yeah. Interesting.

It's not even done growing yet. At the moment, it's the Oracle of Delphi. It's like a 10-year-old right now, though. It's not even an adult. Yeah. And then where's it going to? So the idea of like, the interesting thing about AI is it's the gap between me and, I don't know, who's the smartest guy we know? Eric Weinstein. Used to be enormous.

And now the gap is getting smaller because AI can just, I can ask it.

I had a gag about it, like a bit about in our universities, the students are using AI to write their essays, and then the tutors are using AI to mark the essays. And then after three years, AI gets the job. It actually seems very fair.

Well, I wonder what will change. I'm very optimistic, right? So 120 years ago, 95% of the population worked in agriculture and they worked 16 hours a day and it was a very, very tough life. And then we moved to the cities and we worked in factories and the unions, they don't get the credit they deserve. They gave us the weekend and now we think human beings work five days and we have two days off.

That's the world, right? But it's different. It's changing now. It's like it's going to change again. And we'll look back and go, I mean, we're incredibly privileged that we're born right now.

Come on, Marshall McLuhan.

Well, I love that thing with that book, The Beginning of Infinity. I can't get over that.

Who wrote that? It's The Beginning of Infinity. I think it's David Deutsch. And it's the... Can you... Yeah. What's the beginning of the book? So the idea of The Beginning of Infinity is that if we can get through this... phase in humanity, right? There's been 100 billion people so far, 110 billion. There's 9 billion at the moment, 8 billion, 9 billion.

If we can get through this, if we can get off planet... maybe there are trillions of people in the future. Trillions. Right. Maybe humanity spreads out across the galaxies and the universe for the next 13 billion years. Like the idea that if we can get through this now, this little phase that we're in, we're having a little bit of difficulty here with a couple of possible problems.

And if we can get through it, the scientific meme, the idea that we've created these machines, but really through science. The technology that we have is brilliant. And if we can negotiate, if we can have a little bit of peace in the world. Avoid the war, yeah. If we can avoid the war. And really, avoiding the war I think is possible. I think the most, all right, here's a take.

Yeah, so this is how horoscopes got big. Incredibly attractive women spoke about their horoscope and no one went, this sounds like some bullshit.

I think the most incredible piece of technology that we have, I'm very optimistic about the world. You could look at the state of the world and go, it's terrible. But I look at America, I look at the UK, and I look at the footfall. So where do people want to come? Well, they want to come and they want to live here, right? And what's the most important piece of technology in America?

I would argue the Constitution. The Constitution, you sort of don't think of it as a piece of technology, but it really is. And it's allowed all of this. It's an operating system. It's a brilliant operating system. And you can prove that culture is downstream of institutions.

and freedom because you go look at okay here's the great examples right east and west germany north and south korea right exactly the same people like exactly the same culturally and they got this system they got this system east and west germany you got the stasi over here hell on earth north korea whatever the is going on there right and then you get south korea i mean flourishing right incredible culture you get west germany i got another one cuba and miami

Okay, so here's the thing. How many people in the world now? Nine billion? Eight billion? It's a lot. Something. Right? Half a billion get... Okay, so there's the UK, there's the US, there's Canada, there's Australia. Okay, they're all, I mean, ex-British colonies. Yeah. I'll take the win. But those institutions...

Those institutions are set up in a certain way that's allowed a flourishing where people want to come here. So either we accept 9 billion people into our countries or we export our institutions. I think we should be writing or coming up with great constitutions. for nations that we want to see in the future.

Okay. Well, I mean, it's the right wing in America that, you know, the idea of going, okay, we're going to get rid of the southern border to bring in cheap labor is a crazy idea. Because all we're doing is we're, you know, we outsource And this problem has been, what is was ever thus. George Orwell was once asked, what do you think of the British working classes? And he said, they live in India.

He's a smart guy. But you go, that globalization, the idea of going- Along with tech help. But it's the idea of we go, we often export the things that we're conscious about. So we go, okay, so we shut down all the coal mines in the UK and now we import coal. Oh, OK. Is that I mean, one better. It's one world we live in.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's the whole of humanity matters. It's the it's the that Derek Parfit's that brilliant guy who is a philosopher. He wrote this brilliant thing called Reasons and Persons. It's a brilliant book. And it's kind of about that idea that you've got to care about humanity temporally and spatially. You've got to care about people in the future. And you've got to care about people everywhere.

And the idea of you go, look, we've got to make the places people are fleeing from livable. And I think we have proved over the last 50 years regime change is not what we're great at. So it comes down to-

We just need to practice more. Here's what I think it is. Agency and empathy on a global scale. Yeah. So it's like giving those nations that are in horrific trouble and that no one seems to care about agency. Yeah. But maybe it's that thing of like going the American Constitution. I don't know where it was written, but it was like...

Yeah.

I think it was like intellectuals from around the world were like chipping in with ideas and they came up with this incredible document. And look at the flourishing that's come out of it. Look at what it's achieved. Like imagine if, imagine if something like that happens in China.

Imagine in our lifetime that they go with a different system and it's more, because at the moment China's kind of, you know, it's a covers band. You know, it doesn't it takes a lot of intellectual property and it has its own version of Facebook and its own version of Google and its own version of. But it doesn't.

What is it about America that that that allows this entrepreneurial spirit that allowed Silicon Valley to happen?

I've heard this. She had like a guru. Yes.

Okay. I mean, this feels like.

I don't know. Ukraine? I mean, that's the first drone war. I don't know. It's

Well, how much of it as well? Like, I mean, talking to the right guy here, but how much of the alien stuff that we watched in the 1950s and 60s was that technology being tested in America?

Do you think it would be sensible for you and I to pledge allegiance to the Chinese Communist Party now? Sort of on the record? We should learn Mandarin. Just in case?

Yeah. I mean, it feels like the- It's a corner of a football field. I don't know. So war is changing, isn't it? Yeah. But it used to be. I suppose it's always changed. It was. It used to be, guys, you wear blue, we'll wear red, we'll line up, and then we'll just smash it out.

But there was no civilian casualties. It kind of worked. And then there's guerrilla warfare, and there's what's going on now, and there's the drones, and- Okay, here's a weird question, all right?

Okay, so the assassination of JFK, people are absolutely fascinated, right? Sure. And what's been released and what's... No one seems to care about the guy that shot Trump.

But, you know, it's the terrible kind of the lag from COVID. You know, the long COVID from a psychological perspective is trust. We've lost a lot of trust because anyone that said it was a lab leak at the time was a maniac. And then, you know, so you go when they tell us, oh, no, no, he committed suicide. You go, well, it's hard to believe now.

What's the difference between a conspiracy theory and a fact? It's five years now.

Yeah, but that's how we pronounce it. China. China in the Trump household. China. China.

It's crazy because it's the baby in the bathwater because they –

did that and then you go and then there's there's gonna be more measles in America and more kids wearing glasses that thick and going deaf from measles because they're not taking the good vaccine so it's it's for me it's like that idea of trust is such a you know when we talk about institutions and the Constitution and the and checks and balances and we need trust in our society that's one of the great things that came out of again that's the Catholic Church

And you go, well, what are we doing? It's unnecessary.

We've got to motivate those companies, right? It can't just be the profit. Because it's like the thing that I worry about is antibiotics, right? So antibiotics are what an incredible piece of technology, right? Yes. People used to die from a fucking rusty nail, snagged them, and they would die, right? So modern medicine has given – we have to look at what the positive side is.

Oh, my God. Pharmaceutical drugs. You're talking to a man in his 50s with a hair transplant. I've had a bit of work done. Don't even start me on the Viagra. I've got a lot to be thankful for for medical science. Yeah. So a big pharma. Great. They've done a lot of good. And then and then other stuff. The antibiotics. There's there's there's things that are resistant now to antibiotics.

They need new antibiotics, but there's nothing in it for the pharmaceutical companies to invest in that. So I think that governmental level needs to be look, give them give them the money to do it.

But you go, look, you know, and I don't mind people. If someone comes up with a cure for cancer.

I don't mind. They could be a trillionaire.

It's an interesting thing where socialism has become such a dirty word. But everyone agrees to some extent, right? There's areas of life where you go, well, there has to be a level of – Socialism. Contribution. We have to contribute. Okay, the fire service is great. I use the same one all the time. But everyone agrees, right?

Okay, if your house burns down, okay, we're going to have a fire service and it comes and it's not like, oh, we don't take care of that.

Well, I think education, I think we could get there sooner because you look at some of the stuff that's available online now and it's just, it's incredible. It's there. I mean, I slightly think on education that we should do the right thing, right?

How are we doing?

Instead of pumping the economy by printing more money and quantitative easing, I think America and the UK should cancel all student debt because we missold people some bullshit degrees. Right. One hundred percent. And the idea that student debt. Right. So you're taking those people that took a chance and they went to university and they gave their time and they studied hard.

And there's there's a theory that woke came out of elite overproduction. So people did everything right. They went to school. They studied hard. They went to university. They studied hard. They got a degree. And then they can't buy a house. Because, you know, maybe the degree doesn't grow corn. It's not in a STEM subject. It's in the humanities or something.

And then they don't get the lifestyle that they worked hard for. I think we cancel... I mean, I don't want to sound like a communist here, but free education is not crazy. It's not crazy at all. It's an asset to your society.

Why?

It's evil. I can't see the downside because you go, this is the richest nation, not just in the world, the richest nation there's ever been. And you go, an investment. And maybe you change it and you go, well, actually, university is a lot more difficult to get into now. Because it's going to be free. So it's going to be super difficult to get in there.

I got crazy drug views. Do you want to hear my drug views? I would love to hear your drug views. Okay. Marijuana specifically. Okay. I think marijuana should be illegal for the under 30s. I think it should be legal 30 to 50. And then I think over 50, mandatory.

But also it's the middle class and upper class kids that can take on that kind of debt. Right. And the working class kids.

But education was the great kind of equalizer, right? Because you were able to – change your social class through, you know, if you go to school and you work hard, you go, well, education should be... Listen, I'm not saying that there can be equality because I think we're all born with different gifts, right?

You and I disagree about work ethic, but... The idea that we're all born with different attributes, right? So there's never going to be equality. But the opportunity to educate yourself and to do better is like that's sort of part of the American dream, isn't it?

I think you've learned it. I think what you've done in martial arts, how you do anything is how you do everything. I look at what you've done with the mothership. I look at your comedy career. I look at how you treat your body. Everything's the same. It's the same. You've got a work ethic that's very consistent across different fields. How you do the podcast. Have you missed a week ever?

You're just very consistent with stuff.

I'm doing my best here, Joe. Sorry.

Well, I think, yeah, that thing of what you're, and then you just sort of enjoy, I don't know, I think that thing of ambition, like the process is so enjoyable. The process of like becoming a better comic is such a joyful experience where you just go, at the end of every show, I take out a notepad and try new jokes.

And you just go that iteration of like getting better and, you know, a new one works. It's the most exciting thing in the world. Yeah. Just absolutely love it. And you kind of go and it's I forget if it's Tealock or anti-Tealock. I don't really know what that. But it's a task without end. It's just you keep on doing this thing. Yes. And you just – there's no end in sight.

There's no – it's not like you're arriving at this perfect state. Yeah. It's the – I suppose it's the idea that it's kind of messy but it's lovely to kind of – you feel yourself progressing.

Yeah. Well, I think that thing in comedy, like failure is your friend.

Failure is you make friends with it and you're kind of okay with it. Yeah. And then in life, it's like you're able to take chances and kind of mess things up and go, it's all right. Give it another go.

Well, I think it's that thing of like there's performance enhancing drugs. right? And then there's lots of them. I mean, testosterone is probably the biggest and the best, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I did Kill Tony last night with Tony Hinchcliffe, who's who's at once the meanest motherfucker in the world and also the kindest man in comedy. Yeah, because you look at the careers that he's launching like every every three, four weeks. He's launching like a new name and then they're touring and they're playing clubs and they're having a great time.

And it's it's that thing of like you can't beat your environment. So to be around people, not just that you like, but that you want to be like.

So you're creating this little thing, this little space like the mothership's got this little community around it now of people that they want to get better. And they're looking around and it's, you know, and you came here because... Ron White was here, right? I mean, in no small part. A big part. And then you built this thing and it's Field of Dreams. Look how many people are coming.

And then I'm very excited to see in 20 years who comes out of this scene. I actually flew in on Sunday to go down and see Chappelle. So I went to see his new club in Yellow Springs. I heard it's great. I mean, it's insane.

Well, but testosterone in terms of the world, like if you look at the world, like people often quote the fact that most of the biggest CEOs in the world are male. Yeah, but also 95% of the prison population is male because what testosterone gives you is it's risk. It's the chemical for risk. So people take high risk. So they end up with all the rewards, but also destitute.

I think it's going to become something more than that. Eventually. I think that's what he's, he's planted a seed there. Yeah. And I think it's going to grow. And it's a small town, but it's a town with a lot of pull. It's almost too beautiful a town, Yellow Springs. You kind of walk through and go, it's like the Stepford Wives. It's like so perfect. You know who he's got playing this weekend? Who?

The whole of the Wu-Tang Clan are coming in. It's a 220-seater, okay? I think it may be one of the few occasions where more people are onstage than offstage. The audience may be smaller than the band.

No, he's a... He's a unique... Well, as are you. You're non-fungible human beings. there's no one else you go he's a bit like no it's just his own thing it's a wonderful thing there's a there's a real I think in comedy that thing where we're out for ourselves but in it together Alan Havey told me that. That's great.

I remember thinking it's kind of true because we're all in this business and there's like sometimes you see comics arguing or, you know, shit talking other comics online or something. You go, what are you doing? There's the narcissism of small differences where people go, oh, I don't like his observational stuff or he's hacky or something. You go, we're all in the same business.

No one ever hates you for doing worse than them.

Well, this is what – the great thing you've done is thrown down a rope bridge. You're up there and you throw down the bridge and you bring people with you.

Adam Egan?

He's the best. He's in Hawaii this week. I'm missing him. Oh. Well, he'll be back. No, he's coming to London to see Oasis with me. Oh, is he really? Yeah.

Nolan Lee. The Gallaghers? Yeah, but I think there's... That's a lot of money. There's an amount of money you can put down and go, you should get Noel on this show. I would love to. Noel is so fun. I love them.

Yeah, who's it dismissed by? I mean, it is that thing where you go, it's... I think because it's a sense of humor is whatever that there's that great old quote of laughter is the shortest distance between two people. I think there's a real connection to comics because you laugh with your friends and your family and you laugh with this comedian.

And if you think about friendship, I think about friendship like filters. If you sit next to someone on a plane, you've got a lot of filters. Right. You chat about the weather or the local sports team, whatever. And then you get really close to someone. You've got no filters. Your best friend of the world is a guy you've got no filters with.

The weirder one was the, was it Blurred Lines? And it wasn't even that it was the same feel as a Marvin Gaye song. Same feel seems like a stretch.

No, it's self-policing though. It's self-policing. It's like if someone does that, you go, I mean.

I think that's the first time I ever saw you was calling out.

Well, even the great Robin Williams had that reputation. Yeah, he did. Because it was doing kind of this other thing. I don't know.

Well, it's that thing of like you have to give the world irrefutable proof you are who you say you are. You know, if it's one joke, fine. If it's 10,000 jokes, you go, OK, this is something. I mean, we spoke about this last time, that thing of because I'm working on a thing with my friend Amanda Baker and Abby Grant. They came and they taught at the mothership.

Because we're trying to work on this book about like teaching. In the same way that people teach music, like having a language of it and taking some of the alchemy and the mystery away from that. And so thinking about what really, you know, not to not to say that it's like a something I can do or a machine can do. But the idea of like teaching people the structure. Of it.

So it's less kind of, you know, hey, it just comes to me on stage. Right. Maybe codifying it a little bit more. And I mean, I'm working with these two incredible women, Abby Grant and Amanda Baker on the book. And it's it's taken a long time. But I do think it's something that if you could teach in schools.

The idea of comedy, even as opposed to music, which is wonderful to learn, and you appreciate music much more if you've ever given the guitar a go because you can appreciate what they're doing. But the idea of comedy is being taught because you go, well, you have to write down and order your thoughts. That's a value. You have to learn how to communicate and speak publicly. That's a value.

And then you're speaking in your authentic voice. And that's the saddest thing. Most people live and die and they never speak in their own authentic voice. It's a great thing to give kids, I think. I think it'd be a great thing to, you know, if it's an after school activity, I would sign my kids up.

But I look at what Ron does. I mean, my love language is the one-liner. I like jokes, and it's quite old-fashioned in a way. You know, it's a very old-fashioned kind of way, and it's less about my life. You're like a folk singer.

yeah and then i'm but then i'm trying to i've got a good fastball yeah and then i'm trying to work on the the other bits but that's kind of what i love about the industry because it's it's everything it's all yeah i can get good at that and then i can i can do like 20 minutes of fastballs and then do i've started about a year ago i started putting i started working with a videographer and putting stuff out of like heckle videos and people talking to me yeah and you go it's just such a

joyful thing because it's almost like doing the stuff when you go, just hit me whatever you want. I'll do anything. It's like seeing a magician do real magic because you kind of go, yeah, I've worked this muscle hard enough. I'll write jokes live for you now.

No. What's Bottom of the Barrel?

Oh, okay.

Didn't Paul Provenza used to have

I don't believe no That was like that and it was a bit a hat-on-hat like sometimes it'd be just crazy things.

But again, that thing of like going, it's performative being in the audience.

Like I always think that thing with hecklers, like there's more hecklers in the UK. Like when you travel around the world, like so I'm touring everywhere, like all over America, UK, Australia, New Zealand, every territory. And you notice different places have different traditions when it comes to heckling. That's the biggest thing you notice when you travel.

In North America, people are very slow to shout out during a show because they think, am I spoiling the show? Am I ruining this? And I actively encourage, I don't mind if it's a little bit aggressive because we're all in service of the evening. Right. We're all in service of like, I don't mind if you win. Well, that's confusing for the audience because some people don't want any heckles.

Yeah, I know. I like it when people... Like, no one wants someone to talk over their punchline.

Yeah. I mean, I'm very lucky with... I suppose it's that thing with you can, you know... It's self-selecting. Your audience come and they find you and it's...

Oh, my God. If I had to compile – maybe I should compile a video of me kicking people out of shows.

No, I get pretty good. Most of the time. I get pretty good because I always think – That's like schizophrenics.

Yeah, I don't know if they're buying tickets. They should buy two tickets, shouldn't they?

Yeah. Jesus.

It's the most horrifying.

Yeah.

Yeah, 100%.

I think kind of food is the thing as well. Food is the medicine before medicine. Like just try and – it's hard on the road. It is.

I got it back. I figured it out. The timing's different in like, I often go from theater to arena. Arena timing's way different. I tell you what, I got it from Chappelle. I was out in Australia on tour last time and I had like one night off and Chappelle was in town that night. So I said, well, I'll go up with you. So I went up and he had it in the round.

It's so genius because it's like the thrill of, I don't want to say never, but I may never be a professional boxer. There, I said it. But walking into the, it's like walking into a ring because you've got security around you and you have to walk through the audience onto the stage and up the steps. It's so thrilling.

And then you put the screens above and even in a 10,000 seater, no one's more than 2,000 seats back kind of thing. So everyone's got a great seat and you're kind of rotating and I just, I love it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hadn't thought of that, but they're seeing people laughing and it's that thing of going, okay, well, we're all, it's like an event where we're having fun together.

It is, although the timing that changes when you go, okay, it's a theater and it's like even a thousand seats. I know it's in the UK sometimes like you've got to – like the Palladium is my favorite place to play, right? The Palladium is a theater that was built 120 years ago. Wow. So the fire regulations 120 years ago were – Yeah, I hope no one dies. That was the fireworks. Good luck.

There's doors. If there's a fire, I guess leave. So it's tight. It's like it's 2,200 people, but they're close to you. And then sometimes you go to a place that was built two years ago, and it's beautiful and air-conditioned, but the people are so far away because the seats and the aisles and everything's been built for safety. Yeah. So it's like you'd never get it.

You couldn't build one of those now. Yeah. It was better when they were all on top of you.

I feel like we're getting close to the old bit of the, you know, that black box thing they have on airplanes where it crashes.

Everyone had the observation of just build the plane out of that. Right. What's that made of? Right.

We've got a gift of a plane.

I really like it. Is this a plane with a parachute? Yeah, this is a plane with a parachute. Did you just manifest this?

Are you not going to land and then have a ball of... Well... You might.

There's a reason we're not in charge of this.

Oh, wow. All right.

Yeah, but that's taken. It's taken like. That's taken force.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Okay. Simulation theory. I like thinking about it because I kind of go, I've got such a crazy life.

How could it be real? I'm sitting here with you. Yeah. I was with Chappelle on Sunday. Woody Harrelson came to the show last night. I know him a little bit from London. I was going, this feels like a cartoon. It doesn't feel real somehow. And yet you go, well, it's an interesting way to think about the world because you go, well, if this is a game... What's the scorecard? How do you win?

But it's that thing of like, you know, for young women, if you're talking to young women, like what would the advice be? And it's like, because young men take risks, right? But young women tend not to take the same risks. But maybe if you do more calculated risks, kind of levels the playing field a little bit.

And it kind of makes you think about, well, what's important in your life? What's the measurable and immeasurable metrics? I often think about there's CV, resume points, and then there's eulogy points. And often those things kind of conflict. You know, like the things that we, you know, career-wise, you could have a great career, but if you don't have kids and a family... Who's doing the eulogy?

Who's speaking for you? What are the things that really matter?

But that thing of – It's fine. You can still have eulogy things.

Things that aren't necessarily – It's not scorecard.

experience with you like your friends and people you worked with like oh do you know Jimmy used to always say you know and you sit around talking about them I suppose it's that thing of like legacy now almost kind of is a secular religion for like what you leave behind You sort of think of the afterlife. I don't really believe in an afterlife, but it's the kids.

I mean, beyond stunned.

I think there's that near-death. Clear. The near-death experience is available to everyone in the form of DMT. Right. Because everyone has the same experience of this. Yes. Another realm, another world beyond. Maybe that's the end of life, Jimmy.

It seems more real than here.

What does it do? I'm now staying in, not exclusively, but like I'm my hotel choice. I'm solving for places with sauna cold plunge. So I can kind of do that in the morning and feel alive. There's a lot more of those now. Well, it's great. But you travel the world. I travel everywhere. So I was in like Vienna. They've got this incredible facility.

Well, I suppose career, for what choices you make in life.

Well, I mean, you say a long time, but I mean, really, when did this start?

Cooking things and then the amount, you know, our brains, you know, you're able to feed that. So food's a huge part. What we're doing now, language and comedy, I don't think it's like, there's different strains of kind of Darwinian evolution, right? So there's for survival, right? And then there's reproductive. And I think what we're doing now, speaking, I think is reproductive.

I think what we're doing is it's almost like peacock feathers, right? So you go, feathers initially weren't for flight. They were for display. Really? Well, that's the theory. Well, how did feathers, because what was the point of a feather before it was for wings, for flying? How would you get to that through evolution?

Well, actually, if it was for display first, if the peacock is using the feathers correctly, that was the original idea for display for mating. And to show that I have this, I have so much extra energy, I'll be a good mate. Right. To show the female.

Vibrancy and stuff. So why birds sing? I've got this excess energy, I'll be a good mate. Okay, so that thing.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, dinosaurs as well. The theory on why they died out is interesting. So we randomly assigned gender, and they assigned gender on the basis of temperature. So when the asteroid hit, the dust didn't kill all the dinosaurs. What happened was... Every dinosaur was born female in the next generation because the temperature cooled. Some lizards still do it.

They assign gender by what the temperature is. So if the temperature falls, you go, right, okay, everyone's female. And when the temperature is above a certain amount, everyone's male. So there's a generation of all female or all male, whatever it was, dinosaurs. What a flaw.

Yeah, but because the temperature we always assume is static, and we don't see the geological changes over time in temperature.

We've got to fucking wipe these things out. Is there another world where there's dinosaurs with AI? Because if they're coming, we're fucked.

Well, it's a weird thing. You said it earlier about the idea of, like, our... Competitive advantage, right? You drop one guy in the jungle, you've fed the animals. Drop 10 guys and you have an apex predator, right? Cooperation is our superpower. And for me, cooperation is downstream of play. Play is everything. We're the playing animal.

Someone wrote a book about this in the 1930s about how we are designed to play. Our culture is about play and kids play. And you go, well, that cooperation is what leads to all of this. And weirdly, the Catholic Church, I didn't say this earlier, but the Catholic Church has got a lot to be grateful for. Because in the 12th century, the Catholic Church banned cousin marriage.

And the reason they did it was because they realized the tribe was more important than the church. And they hated that. Right. So the unintended consequence was they said, you can't marry your cousin or your second cousin or your third cousin down to the sixth cousin. Really? And they broke the tribes. Now, when you break tribes, what happens?

Well, you form small family groups and then you have to trust people. So trust builds. And then from trust, you get guilds and associations and a legal system and everyone. Because before that, it's like, well, you're a cousin. You trust him. It's family.

Doomed the royal family. You know we still got them.

Yeah. With a no chin. Yeah.

Yeah. No chin. Just into marriage, into marriage, into marriage. So that's what was taken away. So the unintended consequence of that was more cooperation and people had to get on with other people. And there was like, that's interesting.

Roger lives in London. Yes. He's incredible.

I mean, it's an incredible thing, the jiu-jitsu, because the idea that those guys just changed the game totally. Totally.

That's a fact. The thing I love about it, I kind of want there to be an origination movie about the UFC.

I don't know. I mean, I read a lot of it's like Mary Harrington and Louise Perry, these kind of great feminist writers. And they often sort of talk about this thing of like going, we talk about one stage of feminism above and there's three. There's like there's the there's the maiden. which is the young woman out for a career who can do anything a man can do, right? Absolutely.

Yeah, that would be it. Yeah, but you don't want to have a movie.

I could get jacked.

I mean, you could see this.

Sure.

Oh, my friend Chris Dickey, who's produced my movie, produced that as well.

Yeah.

But the interesting thing for me is like the pre the invention of, the bullshit in the 80s. Because we're about the same age. So it would have been that thing of like Bruce Lee movies or The Drunken Master. You ever see The Drunken Master? Sure. All those kind of movies. And then I'd be into martial arts and watching those films. Incredible movies.

And then there'd be such bullshit about, oh, there's this technique from this place and he can do... And none of it was tested. None of it was testable. It was like... No, no, no. It's like that great scene in Once Upon a Time in, what's the Tarantino movie? Once Upon a Time in Hollywood with Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee. Yeah. It's the funniest.

Scene. It's just so good. But the bullshit that was talked about, the one inch punch and all of that stuff.

And then it was like, oh, no, we're really going to test this.

That's the great line in the Tarantino movie, isn't it? Where he goes, these fists, if I kill a guy, it's murder. Yeah, it's the same with everyone.

I fucking love his movies. He changed the way I consume media. The problem is I know a lot about Bruce Lee. Oh, Bruce Lee.

Yeah. There needs to be a great documentary on Bruce Lee. I mean, there's plenty of stuff, but there needs to be a definitive, like a, you know, Netflix put together beautiful thing because he was an icon. Like he was so incredible, Bruce Lee. Yes. But, you know, Tarantino for me is godlike. Like that movie, Cinema Speculation.

So I, you know, most people kind of do this thing of they watch new movies.

because the dopamine of the new story and they listen to old music and I read that book Cinema Speculation I went I'm going to just watch 70s movies and I just started watching the old movies because you forget I mean even if you have seen it you've kind of if you saw it 30 years ago you remember one moment you watch that and then listen to new music so you kind of flip the thing it's really good I'm really loving it I'm loving watching the old movies some of the old movies are fucking amazing

And then there's motherhood, which a man cannot compete. But feminism doesn't really talk about motherhood that much. It's become almost like a right-wing thing to celebrate motherhood, right? And then there's what they call the crone, the older woman, post-menopausal, who's absolutely... pivotal in our society.

The Quentin Tarantino book is just... He's incredible.

It's a vision. Yeah. I put him up with Kubrick. I think he's that genius. Actually, I wanted to ask you about that. The Kubrick thing, I got told this fact. What? Okay, so I got told this thing and then I asked Tom Cruise about it. This is a good story. You asked Tom Cruise about something? Okay, so I met Tom Cruise at a friend's wedding and I said, I had nothing to say to Tom Cruise.

Oh, I had so much to say. I said, you made Eyes Wide Shut with Kubrick. And he went, yeah, yeah, I did. I said, I heard he shoots everything, he shot everything with NASA lenses. So the reason he was able to shoot Barry Lyndon, you know the movie Barry Lyndon with Harvey Keitel? Amazing movie. I never saw it. It's lit by candle. There's no lights in that movie. He shot it by candlelight.

And the reason he was able to make it was because he had the best lenses ever made by humans, which were the NASA lenses that they took to the moon landing. So that was Hasselblad. So Hasselblad?

Okay, so he had these lenses. So Kubrick shot everything with these lenses. Now, here's the question for you. How did Stanley Kubrick get those lenses? Maybe at the NASA garage sale they had in 1971 where they sold all the stuff on the front lawn. Okay, so the story I got told, which I want to ask you about, is they...

obviously is the middle of the cold war right and the moon landing was a flex by the americans it was a big deal right so they rehearsed the shit out of that who did they rehearse it with well the best director in the world so they brought in a young stanley kubrick and he filmed the rehearsals so they had to rehearse everything before they went up there so i'm not saying the moon landings didn't happen i think they definitely did happen so who's saying that stanley kubrick filmed the rehearsals

That sounds like horseshit. How did he have the time? Sorry, how did he get the lenses from NASA? How did he get the lenses? He definitely had the NASA lenses. He bought them from NASA? He got paid in lenses.

I didn't know that.

He said this brilliant thing about movies. He said, if you want to tell a story, make people feel something they don't have a name for.

so there's so many bits in the shining that don't make sense right like the the geometry of the room doesn't make sense or but and it kind of forces you to really see something yeah like so much of our life right is we're not really seeing things i think it's the gift of being a stand-up comedian we get to see things mostly guys of our age are just remembering things

Or they're having a very repetitive, you know, if you commute every day to the same office, you don't remember 365 days. It's kind of one memory and then you're just on repeat. Whereas if you have unique experiences, it's not that we don't have enough time. We just waste a lot of it. And we want unique novel experience.

If you think about anyone having a crisis, just a woman comes from nowhere in her 50s or 60s and makes you a cup of tea and takes care of you. It's like it's an incredibly, that grandmother figure is so important in our culture, in our society. And it's not celebrated enough, I don't think.

And so part of the reason I travel the world is to have unique novel experience and to see things in a different way. And sometimes when you watch like a Kubrick or a Tarantino movie, he's just seeing something in such a pure way. Yeah. It's incredible.

Every dog came from a wolf. It does strike me as like, it's a very strange thing how long humanity has been here and how recently... like 10,000 years ago in northern Japan was the first settlement and how quickly things have progressed.

Yeah, that thing of like the gratitude, like the idea that you go, how have you only got to this now? Like the idea that you go, well, actually, taking care of that Maslow's hierarchy of need. You know, so you need food, you need shelter, you need like, we haven't even, I mean, we haven't even covered that for most of humanity.

But certainly in the place that we live, that's all sort of taken, we factor all that in. That's all like, okay, you've got all of that sorted in. And then we get to self-actualize and we get to specialize. And so maybe it's that thing of like, I don't know, the breaking of the tribes and the idea of specialization. It's the Dunbar number is the important thing, isn't it?

Because the great apes, so Robert Dunbar is the guy that had that idea of, it often comes up when people talk about social media. How many friends can you have? With great apes, they get to a pod of about 60 people. And then they go, I don't really know that guy. He hasn't really groomed me in a long time. So I did this documentary once for the BBC with Robert Dunbar.

He was incredible. How old was he at the time? I guess 60s. He's not that old. So his theory was kind of, well, actually what happened that allowed human beings to specialize was remote grooming.

So the idea that we could be in a large group and our language allowed us to have a larger group, like 150 friends in the group, because we didn't have to pick things out of each other's hair or literally groom each other.

Yeah. But that was the great innovation because it allowed us to go, okay, look, I'm going to go and build this thing. You go and do that thing. We'll come together. And obviously, you know, language predates speech by... a million years, millions of years. Laughter predates speech by about a million years, they think.

You know I've got a weird laugh, right? I laugh on an in. You have to? Yeah, if something really strikes me as funny, it's like, it's such a, people often ask, is it real? It's the most crazy laugh. Odd. I laugh on an in-breath, not an out-breath.

Well, okay. Well, I don't know where I stand on that. Now I'm in trouble. Don't get me canceled.

That's an out. It's just a high pitch out. But that thing of laughter being a remote tickle is kind of, it's an interesting idea.

Yeah.

Have you ever seen those German guys that do the laughter therapy? No. They do a laughter therapy in Germany and they just, it's literally a guy going, we're all going to laugh now. Ha ha ha ha ha. And they just force themselves to laugh. There's nothing funny going on. They just force themselves to laugh. It sounds like hell. But it's very good for people because once they get going.

There is a guy who's like playing, he played like a stadium there. Oh God, I forget his name. But he came to the Edinburgh Festival.

Well, that thing of like, there's scenes coming up everywhere around the world now. I mean, I got, I think, 47 countries on this tour. And you go, and everywhere I go, there's always a couple of local comics that come to the gig. And they're doing stand-up in English. And there's a little scene. And it's very contagious, I think.

I think it's kind of the YouTube and the Netflix effect of like, it's just out there now. And we're more aware globally of who's doing what. Unquestionable.

What's number one?

Jeremy Clarkson is a friend of mine. You've got to get him on here. I love Jeremy.

Yeah, he's got to come on here. Because he's like... I don't know. I think you'd have a lot in common. He's like super into cars. I love Hammond.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, they're just passionate about it. Yeah. There is something of like, I'd love someone to do, I'm sure it exists somewhere and I just haven't been to it, but like a museum of the motor car.

And the sacrifice made, I know.

Oh, yeah. I know. I saw where they were building that and it wasn't finished yet.

Because it feels to me like vintage cars are the way to go. There's so many regulations now. There's so much you have to do. In your goofy country. Yeah. In your goofy country, they lock you down. Well, I think that's all going to change though, isn't it? I think it's like we could never get American cars in the UK. Yeah. You could never buy a Cadillac in the UK. You could never.

And maybe that's going to change now. I hope so. I'd love to be able to buy those.

It is an interesting thing of like cars. There's a certain point now where what's the last car you could drive as opposed to it driving you? You know, so there's an argument to say I had like a Porsche from, a Targa from 89. So I had the G50, but it was air cooled. But it was like, it's kind of the last one, I think, before the technology kind of took over and they were just too good.

Well, if you're a solid mom, think about it. The best dad in the world is what? It's a mediocre mom. Yeah. Like if I take my kids to the playground, it's like, oh, fantastic. If mom does it, it's kind of expected. It's already factored in.

Hands off, nothing.