Joe DeRosa

This isn't even... You're literally just laying on your back. That's all you're doing. He's got the comedians cheering for him.

I mean, it's 34 years at this point. You could have come up with something.

I don't have to do shit. I'm from the United States.

If there was another big, cool country aside from us, we'd fucking pick on it. Yeah.

Joe DeRosa. I was hoping he'd go over because I wanted to see The Undertaker slam him and watch his body straighten out. I am terrified of that.

Did you guys fuck to... Was there... We fucked to... Shake, shake, shake.

What can I do? I love that you're saying the antidepressant was the hardest part about you two fucking.

I'd like to commend you, because a lot of comics stray from current events, but you did the very relevant China material this year.

This is also the second time he's referenced a thing on Stranger Things that I don't think happened on Stranger Things.

Hello, man. Congrats on beating cancer. Thank you so much, Joe. You've clearly beaten it, because usually people with cancer are thin. Yeah, she beat the shit out of it. You have defeated it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I was going to say, I'm pretty sure you'll corner me later at a party and tell me that for 15 minutes. Do you know what I've done, Joe?

Yeah, we've never heard. It was on the radio. I disagree with James. No means no.

I thought, if I may, I thought your comedy was funny. Oh, thank you. And I thought it deserved more, and I felt like you weren't getting as much because you were the first comic that wasn't like, I shoved my needle dick in her smelly cunt. And they were just a little caught off guard that he was doing like, you know.

You're better dressed than the literal politician that was up here.

Whoa, Jesus. I only backed up because I thought it might be contagious.

Sorry for being a champion of progress. I'm changing the world one blowjob at a time.

Shiv Dasani. Shiv like you're stabbing somebody in jail.

Does it upset you that the most prominent place you'll ever see your name is a water bottle? Okay. I thought that hit harder.

It's as quiet as an actual H-E-B in here right now.

Wouldn't that have been something just... You're one sprinkler away from a superhero origin story.

I got you. That's crazy. It's like trans women versus cis women.

Damn, Vic.

Now, Vic, it's New Year's Eve. Have you fingered a girl in Austin yet?

That kiss was messier than your fall off of the balcony.

We do, and I want to thank you for letting everybody know we were your absolute last choices.

Thank you. Thank you.

My favorite part was hearing the ten people that cared when you were like, sometimes they're not famous. They were like, uh, yeah, I guess. What the fuck?

It's truly the land of milk and honey America. We have a chair in the hotel room. How fucking bad is this shit in Australia? I'm the king of the castle.

A real man. Thank you, that's great. I appreciate that. People that don't talk like idiots.

I knew it would come to this.

I also love that the Australian pronunciation of retarded is equal to the Boston pronunciation of retarded.

That's like making a sandwich for the guy at Subway.

And at what point do you and your girlfriend stream the AIDS test?

Can I tell the quick story of when we were hanging out at the mothership and we were drinking right after the Trump thing happened?

Yeah, and we're sitting next to each other and it's quiet in the bar and I go, Tony, are you good? Are you handling all this okay right now? The backlash, whatever. And he goes, yeah, dude, I'm good. And I go, seriously, buddy, we're friends. Are you good? And he goes, yeah, I'm good, dude. And I go, you don't have to be tough with me right now. We're friends. Are you good?

Yeah.

What was that kid name on the Wild... David, it's nice to finally be in a room big enough that you can fit into. Yeah.

I like that you're keeping the chocolate Twizzlers inside your hat now.

Dave's like, I've been eating the Ozempic. It's not working.

And he goes, what are you, fucking gay?

You're in it a lot. You look like somebody bleached David Lucas, you fat fuck. I'll accept it. He's not that fat. Yes, he is. He's fat.

Really?

So keep going. Do we have a replay of that?

I can't believe I missed that whole thing. I was peeing and I just heard a wave of boos. I couldn't explain to you what happened if I tried.

Oh, okay.

Absolute shock. The sheer surprise that it didn't work.

I can't wait for the next bucket poll to get electrocuted because your horse shit magic trick didn't work.

Thank you.

It is the worst facility, jail or prison, that I've been to in 35 years of practicing law.

Close your eyes and hang on tight. What's happening?

Couldn't be.

It comes out July 21st on my YouTube, which is Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube. This is Joe DeRosa. I have a special coming out. It's called I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

From every angle. I mean, I called a bicycle, it's a cunt today. Guy almost hit me on his bike. Wow. I was a fucking cunt. Like, I'm paying $70 a day to park my fucking car. Yeah. It's just ridiculous. It's drizzling and cold. Yeah. But I was on DeStefano's pod yesterday and I was bitching about it. The guy who bailed on us today.

Oh, you didn't know I was coming until I walked in? No. No, it was a sad sight.

You knew I was coming for days.

All right, I'm sorry. I hope she feels better. She puked on him yesterday. He told me yesterday he got puked on by his kid. So his daughter really is sick, so maybe it's bad. But I was bitching about how expensive this fucking... I was like, it's out of control. You're living in an airport at this point.

It's so expensive. I go, you know how expensive this fucking city is? The CEO that got murdered was staying in a Hilton.

That's funny. That's good. Funny take. That's funny. He's a funny kid, Dad. He's a good kid. Little Gary. So what's going on? We're not drinking? I thought the wisdom we drink.

I'll have one.

I went a little fucking crazy these last two nights. My last show of the year was Saturday, and I came right from Somerville, Massachusetts to New York. Wow. And Sunday, basically, I was like, all right, Christmas has started. Let's go.

I went the last two nights. Wow. And I went both nights, like, close to close. And, like, just, you know, it's great. If you go in at that time, it's awesome. Because then you're like... You know, you take it over. Yeah. It's just fucking, you know, they'll obviously stay open late for me. Sure, sure. You know, it's just me and the, you know, whoever I'm with, my boys.

I'm happy to see you, too. Yeah.

Speaking of parties and party, whatever, I didn't get fucking invited to the Bodega Cat thing. You were out of town. I got no invite. You weren't here. I wasn't, but still. Well, you were in Philly. We knew you were in Philly.

Maybe.

Yes.

It was like lettuce. I was like, wait, what? What do you call this? Ruggala. Ruggala. Thank you. Merry Christmas. Let's see what I got here. Oh, it's a bag to the party. Come on. You're just giving me their swag? I thought we had real presents.

I could have got this if it wasn't Christmas. That's true.

That's what they do with it. Yeah. They fill it with chocolate. Good, dude. It looks good. I'm just not in the mood for sweets.

You don't have any eggnog. What kind of beer is it?

Nah, I might do a whiskey or something.

Because you guys only make rye, right?

We got bourbon.

Can I have a bourbon on the rocks? What happened? Do you usually have a bartender in here? What's going on? This operation's falling apart. Christmas holiday. He took off. Stefano didn't show up.

Wait, who was texting me? Was that you, Sal? Peters. Oh, Peters. He texted me at like 1230. He was like, please tell me you're still coming. They're dropping off like flies, man. Everybody's canceling. I was like, yeah, I'm coming, man. We did this around the real holidays. What the hell? I think I did your last Christmas show. Yeah, you're definitely a Christmas guest.

Yeah, it was me and Gillis, wasn't it? And Attell? Oh, yeah. Then we went to fucking, that's the night we went to Jack's or whatever the fuck it's called. No, Homestead.

Guys, what is this world? You get a 12-year-old influencer on Fallon. This is insane.

He would have showed. The Ruggala and the cookies. Yeah, the Ruggala. That's wild. Yeah, no, I was asking all these because you never know. There's a lot of these kids on the internet. Andy Milonakis, that type of thing. Yeah, you think it's like a kid and he's like, I'm 47. Yeah. I have a rare condition.

No, I think they're probably upset. Yeah, I think the danger is half of what it is with pedophiles. It's well with most sex offenders of any kind.

because like Cosby was a great example I always said about Cosby I was like I don't understand like he's so rich why wouldn't he just tell a woman what he's into yeah I'd be like look sign this thing that says you know I'm gonna drug you and if you're into it then you drink this you're gonna pass out I'm gonna bang you sure but if you're like no that's that's not what he gets off on he gets exactly yeah so interesting you know

He was America's dad. Did you ever see Little Children? Did you ever see that movie? No. It's a very disturbing movie. Well, it's got disturbing parts. Overall, it's not terrible. Okay, pull it up. But anyway, that's the movie that Jackie... Remember the kid, the guy Jackie Haley was in the Bad News Bears? He made that weird comeback? Yes, yes. This was the movie that he got nominated for. Whoa!

But he pays a pedophile in it. And one of the things he says to this woman who's of age is, like, you're not going to tell on me, right? You're not going to tell on me. Because, like, that's part of, like, what they get off on. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, it's our secret, you know. Sure. All that shit, so.

Yeah, that crazy interview. Have you ever seen when he doubles down on it? Yes, I love it. He interviews him like five years later. He's like, I haven't changed my mind.

No, that's not. That's a gangster. Stampinato. Yeah, Scotland is kind of nuts. Oh, yeah. Everybody's really nice, but there's a really wild side to it. It's like Ireland. Everybody's nice, but then there's this wild side. Totally. The sun goes down. People start going fucking crazy.

Yeah, dude, I was in Ireland in Galway, and I was in an Uber, and this guy was like, he was wasted. He was like swerving all over the place or whatever. The driver? Yeah. Oh, wow. And then the next night, I was in another Uber, and I was talking to the Uber driver, and he's like, you know, have you enjoyed your stay? You getting around town okay?

And I go, well, my Uber driver last night, I think he was drunk. He was swerving everywhere. And he goes, no, we don't do that anymore. But he said it like, yeah, that's just how we used to roll. He was like, but we try not to do that.

You know how the hell that goes. Yeah.

Oh, a pina colada. The street in my town, the main street where I have my house, in the summertime, it starts on Memorial Day and it goes until, I think, like Halloween. Every weekend, 6 p.m., road is shut down. You can't drive down it until Monday morning. Whoa. Open container. Bars all have carts outside. They're selling jello shots in the street. It's fucking awesome. That's great.

It's awesome. Yeah. It's this quaint little beautiful street. Sure. And they're just like, let's party. It's the summertime. Let's go. It's so fucking fun.

In a box. I mean, what do you do with him, though, after he makes the face one time? You got to sit here and talk to the kid. You have to. What do you do?

I mean, could there be anything worse than a kid with money? I mean, could you imagine the attitude on this fucking kid? I mean, Richie Rich. Look at the way he was sitting on Fallon. I know. He looked like he deserved to be there. She's like, yeah, of course I'm fucking here. That's a good point. You always lose a star.

That's a good line. Light up the block. Call me Clark Griswold. That's a good line.

Who is Eric D. Alessandro? I don't know. But I mean, look, this guy's not huge. He's got 30,000 subscribers. Dude, did you see? He put up his song with Kendrick. I'm kidding.

So Eric's a comic. Oh, no.

He does look familiar. I guess, you know, we've probably done shows with him somewhere.

It's wild. So they found his manifesto? Three pages, handwritten. Had it on him. It's only three pages?

I thought a manifesto was like single-spaced.

Who's that?

Yeah, that, like, internet culture, it's like... Whoa! You all right, buddy?

Like YouTubers that only ever did YouTube, like just professional YouTubers, that's their only thing. It's weird. They just steal from each other. I know. They're just fine with it.

Yeah. It's really odd.

So does Jason Kelsey. Hell of a beer. And he's also a maniac that will beat people up?

Wait, Tom Brady's the guy they just roasted, right? Yeah. Goddamn. Man, you really don't watch sports. No, not at all. Like, literally not at all. The only time I watch is if the Eagles... are in the Super Bowl or get to the game right before the Super Bowl, whatever that game is.

I was going to say, it's probably his family, right? Yeah, all right. Was his dad going to come, or did he just send the kid? Yeah.

Okay.

It was fun, man. Yeah, I worked on it. You know, I wrote on it and then snuck in. Hell, yeah. I don't know if I'm – I guess I can talk about it. Yeah. I don't know. Might have snuck on camera.

It was right. It was funny because it was like, not right after, but it was, I guess I'd bought my house in Pennsylvania.

year ago and I was last June I stole my apartment in New York and I was going back and forth and I was like I think I'm gonna get rid of this apartment and just you know when I come to New York I'll get a hotel or something I don't want to just carry this apartment anymore and then I got that job and it was in Philly huge it was just kind of like all right I guess that my mind's made up the decision got made for me but you know it was fun yeah it was fun it's fun working with Shane like he's

They're all great, but I mean, Shane is really like, especially like... I'd never shot anything with him. I'm like, God damn it, he's so funny. He's a talent. The shit he's riffing, I'm like, Jesus Christ, man. Take after take and keeps changing it. It's getting funnier and funnier and funnier.

Yeah, yeah.

It was fun, man. You had some cool people on the show in season two, too. Woo! I said Thomas Hayden Church joined us. Oh, he's great. He was the fucking man. He was the man. And I was a huge... This is wild. I was a huge fan of his. There he is. You know, I love Sideways. Who doesn't love Sideways, right?

Wings. He's in one of my favorite horror movies ever. I'm a huge horror movie fan. He was in a horror movie called Demon Knight. It was a Tales from the Crypt movie. And he's in it. So we're on set. But I wasn't in scenes with him, but he was there. And I kept seeing him walking by and stuff, like as we were shooting. And I was like...

I want to fucking tell him so bad how much I love Demon Knight, but I don't want to look like a fanboy on set or whatever. Yeah, but that's a deep cut. So I'm in line for lunch. I haven't met him yet. I'm in line for lunch. There's a guy standing behind me. The guy behind me goes, what do they have up there, steak? And I turn and it's him. And I go, oh, yeah, they got steak.

And I go, hey, man, I'm Joe. Really nice to meet you. And he goes, yeah, man, I know who you are. I listen to The Bonfire. He's like, I love you guys. And I was like, whoa.

And he's like, I love The Bonfire. Yeah, you guys are great, man. And he's like, I really want to come to the Wells Fargo show. Shane did. I'm really bummed I missed you guys. And I was like... And so then we start talking, and he's like mid-sentence five minutes later, and I go, I'm sorry, I gotta cut you off. It's blowing my fucking mind right now that you know who the fuck I am.

Because all I wanted to do all day was tell you how much I love Demon Knight. Yeah. And he goes, ah, you're the one. I wish there was a million more of you motherfuckers. There you go. This guy's awesome, man. I can't believe anyone listened to Bonfire. It's a horror movie. Sorry. A horror movie about, wait, what'd you say?

By the way, he said the full title. He goes, I listened to the bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. He said the whole title. I got out of the stoner years. Demon Knight, it's a horror movie about this guy is a demon. And this event happens every X amount of years where if he does all the right stuff and they don't stop him, demons will take over the earth and blah, blah, blah, blah.

So it's about the people that are in the house trying to fight him and prevent it from happening. And, you know, it's fun. It's super fun.

It was still, I mean this in a good way, it still felt like an indie movie. Okay, good. It was still loose. It wasn't insane. But yeah, no, but full craft services and stuff. And there was these two ladies every day. And me and Stav and Shane would laugh about it every day because they'd come around with this cart in between meals in case you were hungry in between. Oh, yeah.

And me and Stav were always like, get that fucking cart away from me right now. Because it was never, it was always like, hey guys, we've got cheese steaks. Hey guys, anybody want an Italian hoagie? Please, lady, I'm trying to live somewhat decently. Oh, by the Rizzler? Take it easy. She came around one day with Chick-fil-A. She had mountains of Chick-fil-A. It was insane. Wow. They were awesome.

Well, I wouldn't say the cast of Tires is hot guys. Wow, that's true. That's true. They look like guys who eat cheesesteaks.

Do they have this guy going around with the cheesesteak? I think on those sets it's way more like somebody's coming around with like, we made guacamole. And salad. Yeah, whatever, right? Got it, got it. Okay.

I remember I did Louie, and Louie, there was a guy, because this was shot a lot like Louie's. Louie's the same thing. It was very like, it felt like an indie movie. Yeah.

That was fun, yeah. That was hilarious. Thanks, man. That was fun.

The line, my favorite line didn't make it into the show because I couldn't get through it without laughing because he was like feeding me lines to say. And he goes, Joe, I want you to say he literally just was like he threw the camera on me. And immediately he goes, Joe, I want you to say, do they validate parking? Because the fat cunt out front says they don't. And I couldn't. It was too much.

He fed it to me. And I was like, I was laughing so hard. That's a great. It was fun. Yeah. The fat cunt. He's another guy who can just riff gold. Oh, yeah. He had a lady walk. Oh, that's what I was going to say. He had a lady walking around with a tray and it just had a bowl of guacamole and chips. Like, you just walk up to this lady holding the tray and eat guacamole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, you know, I'm hanging on somehow. Yeah, you can act, too. You're a good actor. Yeah, well, thank you. Well, I mean, I'd like to get a real acting job. Oh, you would? I'd like to get something where there's consistency. The one thing I got ever where I was going to really be on the show, like almost every episode, was this multicam called Living Biblically. Hmm.

And I played the like office lech, like the what's that word? You know, I was like the horny guy. The creep. Yeah. The Lothario. That's the one. I played the office Lothario. Oh, wow. And I was kind of the heel to Jay, the main character, who was a guy that was trying to live his life by the Bible. And anyway, I got we were it was at CBS and Is that Tony Rock? Yeah, Tony Rock was in it.

Dave Krumholtz. It was fun. My friend Pat Walsh created it and he's my podcast partner. The bald guy's in Frasier. Yeah. Anyway. There were these female executives at CBS, and they never once would smile at me. They were never nice to me. I couldn't figure it out. Andy Ackerman, who directed it... From Seinfeld. Yeah, would tell me... He's like the Scorsese of sitcoms.

He directed, like, Cheers, Frasier, so it's nuts. Anyway... He would tell me, he'd be like, yeah, we just had a meeting with the network. I'm like, they fucking hate your character. They said you're not likable. And he said to them one day, he goes, oh, he's not likable? Then I guess we did our fucking job. He's not supposed to be likable. He's the bad guy. He's the heel.

And they were just hammering, hammering, hammering, whatever. And then we shot the pilot. It went great. I was a huge part of the pilot. The story revolved around my character. And then they cut the character two weeks before it went to series. You're playing a douche. Well, I couldn't figure it out. And then guess what? Me Too happened. Ah. Les Moonves, head of CBS comedy, went down hard.

And I was like, that's why they hated this character. Wow.

You couldn't play a bad dude.

I know. But you're not raping. No, no, but I think they were like, this is a little, we don't like this. On the nose? Yeah. A little on the nose. Damn. Like out of resentment towards Moonves.

Theoretically. I mean, I never got that explanation. That's my theory.

It's wild, dude, because you forget. Keep going. Keep doing it. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. All right. I'm having a good time. No, you forget. It was right before Me Too. And now when I look back at the show, I'm like, you would never write a character like this on a show. No. Ever.

You'd never be like, let's have a guy that constantly cheats on his wife and brags about it and describes the sex on a multicam sitcom. You'd be like, what are you nuts? They won't let that go on. Yeah. And it's like it changed so drastically.

Well, on the new season of Frasier, like the reboot. Yeah. He goes back. There's an episode where he goes back to Seattle and goes back to the radio station and Bulldog is there. Bulldog was the character that would like slap chicks on the ass. It was wild. Again, you couldn't do it today. But they had the greatest style for it. Bulldog goes, Doc, guess what? I'm gay. Ah, that is a good solve.

Yeah, and Frazier goes, that's amazing, Bulldog. So all of that horrible behavior that you subjected those poor women to was just you repressing who you really were. And he goes, no, no, I still do it. I just do it to dudes now. I was like, that's a perfect solve. Beautiful out. Yeah, don't rewrite the character. Don't make him have a moment where he's like, I've learned. Yeah. Just like, no.

Just make him a piece of shit in a different way.

He tried to be like, yeah, I had a hard time dealing with being gay, so I had to tackle a 14-year-old. Yeah, the Rizzler. Pecker, whatever he did.

Well, gay people came out when Kevin Spacey did that. They were like, fuck you. Oh, wow. This isn't like your scapegoat, you know?

You'll get him in two seconds. He's doing Comic-Cons now. No. What the hell? But there was pay. Well, you know, you guys could pay. Maybe you cover an Uber. We cover Ubers.

And a regular. $40 in each direction to get to this fucking thing. We got you. Christ almighty. That's true. You hate to have to ask. You just offer. He offers. He offers. Do you not offer? Where are you going after? We'll give you a ride. I'm busting balls, Scott. Okay. I'm just joking with you. I will take the Ubers. Oh. But I'm busting balls. No, do you know how many podcasts? It's wild.

I've been really thinking about this lately. That don't Uber you? That don't Uber you, don't offer. You're like, guys, I'm spending money. I know. To come do the thing. Exposure. Have somebody just be like, hey, we got you.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's the, I can't tell you.

He's a man of money. Of means, yeah, yeah. Remind me to tell you a story after. Ooh. Yeah. All right, all right.

But also, too. It's so passive-aggressive. It's so dismissive. It's very dismissive. How condescending is that? Condescending is that. It's like, I'm going to turn your grievance into me being the bigger person and wishing you a spiritual whatever the fuck. Exactly.

It's a real... I've been really obsessed with... That's a good out. Praise Allah. Part of my faith.

No, I've just been really hung up on this thing lately about like how it's just such a take it or leave it culture anymore.

I apologize. I didn't react stronger to that. But I was honestly, as you were telling the story, thinking about how bad I felt for both of you that I'm the only person that showed up today. Like, this is a real. Yeah. What the hell are you? Didn't we have another guest?

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm happy to be here, and I'm happy that you're happy I'm here. We are happy.

Sorry goes a long way. It's ridiculous. I bought these shirts from a... It's not real vintage, but it was a thing I saw on Instagram where the shop made convincingly looking vintage shirts or whatever. They were new shirts, but they weathered them. They aged them. They were faded. They looked great. So I ordered three of them. They also said they were true to size. So there are three larges.

They show up. The largest fit like literally like double XLs.

They're on the cheapest fucking solid black T-shirts. You can imagine. It's just this shit weather design printed. Like, I got this at fucking Old Navy. And this looks more convincingly.

Yeah, isn't that crazy? That's wild. Isn't that crazy? Kind of ruins the brand. Yeah, the band that has a song where he goes, I got something to say, I killed your baby today.

Yeah, there's a t-shirt at Old Navy right now. I raped your mother. Yeah, anyway. That's wild. So I write to them and I go, guys... The shirts are completely misrepresented on your website. They do not look like you made them look. These are bad designs printed on cheap t-shirts. I want a refund. Three different people. I had to write three times. Three different fucking people.

It's actually kind of like the thing with the insurance guy. Deny whatever the fuck. Dismiss. DeRosa in an oversized hoodie. Yeah, yeah. Dude, they kept writing me. They'd be like, we're sorry you're not happy with the product. Keep in mind, these are made to order, so the weathering will look different on every... And I go, there was no weather... You didn't age these. Yeah.

You sold the thing that you're... You promised the thing that you're not selling. Well, keep in mind that it was three fucking people, and they kept saying, like, thanks for your understanding. We're happy to give you a full credit, and you keep the shirts. I go, I don't want a credit for more shit I didn't want to begin with. Give me a goddamn refund.

And then finally, on the fourth fucking email, they were like, you can have a refund, but you have to cover the shipping costs to send it back.

So guess what? I'll never do that. I'll never take the goddamn shirts. You just wanted them to be like, we fucked up. I wanted them to be like, here's a refund. Keep the shirts. Don't worry about it. Sorry about that. You know, never wear these. Never.

Yeah. So, uh, yeah. Uh, anyway, it's not a great story, but the point is, is this is where we're at people. It's relatable. This is the country we're living in.

Well, it's funny because I DM them also. And two of the emails, one of the emails I got was identical text to the... There you go. So they clearly had a form response. And I was... My friend used to work... No, it was at a bank. It was a bank. He said they were instructed because they keep a file open and they make notes about your calls to complain about shit.

And he was like, until it says they've called three times, do not give them. He goes, because if they really want it and they're telling the truth, they will call three times. Right.

I talked to them on the phone once because they called me. Whoa. Because I had a crazy driver that said I punched him.

And I was like, guys, there were two other people in the car.

Shirtless. Punk.

I think he is gay. Oh, he is? I thought they confirmed that he was gay.

Oh, yeah. I would love that.

He's got the most Italian name I've ever heard. Oh, my God. By the way, I've never... I'm not exaggerating. I have never, ever in life heard of anybody named Luigi. I haven't either. Except for Super Mario Brothers. Same. I have never encountered an actual Luigi ever, Matt. Yeah. Or heard of a guy whose name was Luigi.

Oh, that's good.

That's very good. See, sometimes you come out with a good one.

Tell me some of the jelly roll jokes that bombed. Oh. I mean, you had to hit them with a couple fat jokes, right?

He just fucking posted, I guess he was with some friends of his that were Democrats or something. And they were all hanging out at his bar or whatever. And he goes, this is what it looks like, all caps, when reasonable Americans... that have different opinions move towards the same goal. And it's like, yeah, that's a great sentiment.

I don't want to hear from the guy that shot a case of Bud Light with a machine gun. Really? You're going to start talking to us about rational behavior right now? Go fuck yourself.

Torellius?

Marcus King, yeah.

I mean, they'll be cheering, but it will be a terrible performance.

Jelly Roll is a tough guy to roast because he's so nice. He's very nice. I feel like the whole audience, if you're being like, look at this fat ass, they're like, hey, hey.

Why is that bag so big?

Shout out to the CEO.

It is disgusting. Pumps and punchlines. God, you women are so stupid. We are. We're a dumb breed.

Call it Bitches on the Rag. I'll always send Rachel, like on Instagram, I'll find shows like that where it'll be like, you know, vaginally hilarious.

I'll just send her the screenshot of the flyer and I'll be like, you are a bunch of stupid bitches. Look at this. This is heinous. It's very funny.

A pointless hole is pretty good. That's a keeper. That actually would be, that would actually be funny if there was an all-female show and they called it Pointless Holes to make fun of all.

But you gotta start your own one.

If you did your own produced show, you could call it Pointless Holes. It would be... Fucking hilarious. That's great. That you're making fun of these shows that are like vaginally termed or whatever.

Don't waste anything fancy on me. I'm going to Sparks Steakhouse for dinner with Paul Italia after this. Stop name dropping. Sparks is awesome.

We should go. Every waiter is like 90 yeah martinis. It's fucking sparks is awesome. You would love sparks I gotta go some sparks is awesome, but I'm but the reason I bring that up is because we're talking about roasts So they roasted Paul for his 50th birthday at the stand hmm, and I had a run of fat jokes about Chris and Oh, he's fat. They bombed. Really?

Because the friends and family were like, that's not funny. It's not like he's overweight and he shouldn't be.

No, this is one of the jokes. You'll like this joke. This is one of the jokes. Paul's a brother, Chris. The two brothers, believe it or not, Paul's not the fat one. That's a funny joke. That's fun. Is it not? Bombed.

I think Chris makes a living opening doors for comedians despite the fact that he blocks any door he's standing in front of. All right, all right. That's not a bad joke, is it? Solid. I laughed. No. No, you didn't. I laughed. You shittily smirked, Sam. What's going on with you today?

I'm fucking sick. I'm fucking sick. Again, you hug me and I'm going to be sick. I hope you are. Right. Come on, man.

Fucking prostitutes. Would you stop it? And they're called sex workers now.

Wait, what's happening? Magic.

Come on, guys. Matt Peters, I'm going to say you really blew the Christmas party this year. Guys, I said I'd pay for my own overage. Don't make me sit through this right now. This guy's a pro. All right, that was very good.

Wait, aren't you the two people that brought the Jewish cake in?

That was different people?

Okay, that was fair.

I'll hit you this Christmas. I'm going to hit you early this Christmas.

I'm going to call you a pointless hole. Like the holes you nailed into our Savior.

That's how heinous her people are that he turned to them. He turned to them and said, I don't want to be a part of this. Self-hating.

You look fantastic. Oh, thanks.

I'm joking. You guys have a rich history of magic. Hitler made 60 disappear.

Did you say 60? Six.

Yes. I'm a parent. I feel cornered right now. Oh, yeah. It would be great if he just took a gun out of there and shot the most single guys.

I'm Arab, but I was adopted by Italians. Don't get me wrong. I come from disgusting people. Sex workers. I don't like my people any more than yours. I think it's all gross.

I was adopted by Italians. I can't win. Your mom. That's true. Arab. Couldn't get adopted by some fucking nice wasps with a little bit of fucking cash.

I am I find it wonders. That's great.

I can see into your box. Does that matter?

We're going to have our first lovely assistant.

Interesting choice. Weirdly, Rachel just got wet. You were so scared when I watered it, you chose to almost dump it all over the equipment instead of your own hat.

Now can you explain it to us?

That literally has to be magic that you just did. There's no other way that could have been anything but magic. I watched you pour the water in. The cup never left your left hand.

It has to be magic. Unless it's some kind of water that evaporates or something.

I mean, quickly evaporates. Did you ever see The Prestige? Yeah, great movie. Yeah, where he's like, you have to kill the bird. Like, that's the sacrifice. You want the bird disappearing trick to work? You have to kill the fucking bird.

Michael Caine said it in The Prestige. That guy's a dick. That's true. Best Christopher Nolan movie.

You stupid slut.

Oh, come on. That's easy. There's two bottles in there.

This is part of it, guys. You're saying there's two bottles. There's gonna be like no bottles in it in a second. Whoa! Oh my God, that was crazy. Wait, how did you do that? I'm not drinking this cursed beer. Whatever black magic he just soiled it with.

That was great.

I'm going to be honest. I tuned out for the whole setup of that.

What is it supposed to be that's going to make us freak out? It's going to be a five. It's going to be the number he said. Really, I'm sorry.

Now it's clean.

Now really, really though, really go crouch like in the corners. We know that you're not crouching. Like a bad little boy. What was your name again, Miss? I'm so sorry. Gabby. Gabby, I'd like you to also turn around. Whoa. Man. I would. I have no strength, no stone unturned here. Tell somebody to crouch.

Place the shot glass on top. I don't trust that he's not feeding this guy.

No, get out of here.

I'm going to say it like this.

Say it one more time.

Wait, wait, go back to the corner. Stop giving him timeouts, you dick. No, I want to do this again. Hold on a second. I want to do this. Can we do it one more time? All right, let's do it one more time. Oh, jeez. What? You got to chip in for the pay. Let's have fun. You paid him by the hour?

Oh, shit. Jewish. All right. My cup is covered. All right. We got a covered cup. I mean, my dice is covered. Die is covered. All right.

But can I do the thing where I recite the numbers?

Well done. Maybe is there a better mood inside that box?

Yeah. Just open up some of my notes here.

I got them both.

This is insane what is about to happen right now.

Really? Off camera. Off camera. Yeah. I'm not trying to fuck you up. I'm really asking. Off camera. Sure. If I tell you how I think you did that trick, would you tell me if I was correct? Absolutely. Okay. All right. Can somebody just take Joe? I want magic to be real. Well, it ain't. Oh, I mean, it could be. That fucking blew our minds.

Because I want to know what comes after we die. I see. Yeah, and if magic is real, there's a chance something is happening.

I'm a great person. What happens after you die?

Do I know who it is?

I know that chick. Yeah, that was great. Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

I will. I'm biding my time. Happy Hanukkah. Are we plugging? Yeah, plug. Plug it up. Next year... My new tour, the Joystick Tour, starts in January 2025. First cities are Toronto and San Diego. Come out. JoeDeRosa.com for tickets. And come to Joey Rosa's in New York. JoeyRosa'sNYC.com. And we have sandwiches. Bar. It's awesome. Trying to get Bodega Cat in there. Oh, yeah. What are we doing, guys?

So come through, please. Thank you. And yeah, and then my podcast, We'll See You in Hell, is still out there.

Here, here.

No, no. Just eating better. Good to see you, buddy. You too. Just eating better and testosterone. Oh, you're on the T? Yeah. Minimal exercise. Nice. Minimal exercise.

It's like, I can't... No, but I can't like...

I see.

So you did Jelly Rolls?

Yeah.

Okay. There's Jelly.

Did anybody else struggle?

Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. So it wasn't like it was you.

No, I'm going to make it... No, no, no. Because if I say what I'm going to say, I'm going to start giving clues away.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Funny dude. Cool dude. And when he first came out, he looked like... He looked like a fucking hippie. Oh, yeah. He had, like, long hair and he would wear, like, bell bottoms and shit.

That's a great angle.

Yeah. Yeah, he's really funny. He did, um... Oh, it was on Fully Loaded. I was there when you guys weren't there, but the week I was on, Chris came and did one of the shows, and he, like, leveled. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ, man. He's a pro. Yeah, he's awesome.

That's fun. What is it? It's the roast of the year. It's just like you roast the year.

Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Luigi. This fucking city.

What's up, Bodega Cats? This is former guest and former friend, let's be honest, Joe DeRosa. I'm just here to wish you congrats on 200 episodes. They might be drunk. I got to be honest, I thought it was about 478 at this point. But it's only been 200, which means there are a lot more to go. But I got to be honest, for a drinking podcast, 200 is a landmark. I don't think you are drunk.

I don't think you're drinking enough. You sound a bit too motivated. He's got a drinking podcast. You hit about 16 eps and then you say, what do you say we celebrate? We did enough. Anyway, guys, look, I've made enough ha-has here. I love you both. Congrats, Sam and Mark and the crew. Salicues and everybody else. We might be drunk. I definitely am, right?