Joe List

No kidding. Yeah, but I was young. I was just starting out in comedy, so I didn't really give a shit. And we were really selling sleds. Selling sleds. God damn, that's good. Cement mixes. Cement mixes. Just fucking pieces of shit.

It was a two family home. We lived in the, it was a three bedroom, one bath upstairs, and then we had a rental unit beneath us.

And now that rental unit is now where my parents currently live, and they rent out the top floor to a comedian that we know. That's where the top floor is. We lived above my parents.

And usually open. Yeah, yeah. They would have the door open so strippers could see what's going on. This wasn't a three-decker, was it? No, double-decker.

You're ruining the vibe. The baby's trying to sleep. Was there a baby? My sister's baby. When my mother and father would watch the baby at my house, we'd be fucking playing rock band. And I could only play rock band if it was at full volume because you don't want to hear the clicky track of the – Sure. Plastic guitar. How old are you?

No, not 40. Maybe. Anyway, I'm a late bloomer. A bloomer. I'm a late bloomer.

And then she became a VA technician or something at the Veterans Hospital.

She did that for a lot of years. She's retired now. My father's retired now. Okay. What was the grocery store growing up? The grocery store across the street from my house was Stop and Shop. Stop and Shop. Not bad.

I was distracted. I wasn't a great student. All the teachers always said the same thing. Like, oh, if he just applied himself.

I would go to the track sometimes and see like the dog track near my house. What age? When? When I was like 18. And my high school history teacher was always at the dog track and we'd hang out.

and play Quinella's. What's Quinella's? I think you pick two dogs to finish in the same order. It's like a box. It's got to be five.

I was the subject. Sounds like it's a science experiment. MK Ultra Dustin.

Quinn is five, right? Yes.

No college. Some college. What does that mean? Like on an application when it says some college.

Because I went to Bunker Hill Community College. No shit. Which is where – Robin Williams. Good Will Hunting.

Robin Williams. That's where they shot all that was at my college. It's actually about me. Yeah.

But, yeah, so I went to Bunker Hill Community College for a very short period of time. I was paying out of my own pocket, and I don't know. I got distracted.

sure what was your first job growing up was it working at the uh video store videos yeah a little mom and pop it was called video depot uh it was right around the corner from my house it was uh i got i think 350 an hour three nudies in the back

They had some dirty movies, but the guy that ran it, he was so afraid of, because I was like a 16-year-old kid, he was afraid of my parents being like, hey, that guy, is he touching you in the back or anything? And he was so afraid of that.

No one ever becomes a star because of a documentary. That's not true. This is the argument I keep making. Jared Fogle, he became a big star. No, that's what I mean. The qualifiers are dead or in jail.

He was never like, hey, you want to watch a movie? No.

89. That's popping. I'm better at Tom's age than he is.

It's all a blur.

Yeah, we were. I remember seeing the fun part about that job was the guy had an old school emergency call the police button under the desk. Right. And it would directly call. And I would lean back in my seat and accidentally fucking call in a robbery all the time. Like all the not again. And the fucking police would come. And it was, but it was so. Sorry, I got distracted. I was leaning back.

Very nice. We would go to Maine.

Yeah. Yeah. Old Orchard Beach. Is that Maine? Yeah. Oob.

Was there any extended family in the area? Uh, yeah, we had a ton of extended family. We do like family reunions at my uncle's house, not a couple of towns over and shit like that. But, uh, no one would go on the family vacation. So the one I remember the most is Hershey park. Wow. Pennsylvania. That was big for us. Yeah. We would go there and to the chocolate factory. Sure. Yeah.

I owned a 1986 Ford Escort standard shift no air conditioner it was a hatchback four door and it was it was fun it was a fucking good little car considering no air conditioning roll them up windows and it didn't have nothing

I'll tell you. Well, that was the thing. My first car that I owned was that 86-esque. But, I mean, I drove. I had a different car every week because we'd take them off the lot or whatever.

Well, this was later on after we had our second lot, but somebody put a BMW 850 on consignment, and I just drove that.

That's a nice car. I never sold it either. I just drove it for a month, and then gave it back to the guy smelling like smoke.

You mean like pawned it? Yeah. Well, like if you give me something, and I sell it for you, and then I get a piece of

You own the car.

You put it on my lot.

Although a sad one for me, and I feel like a fucking idiot, is I think I was the last. I was way too old to still believe in Santa Claus. I was the last of everyone.

No, I think I was fucking. I was way too old. It was like 12 or 13. And I remember going to a Cub Scout. I'm in a Cub Scout van with all my Cub Scout troop. And the Cub Scout leader was like, oh, so you guys, I hope you have a good Christmas. You guys know Santa isn't real and stuff like that. So we don't have to go through all that.

And everyone else was like, they're all like, yeah, yeah, we know Santa's not real. And I'm like, what the fuck just happened? Brian. What the? I was destroyed. I'm in a van. Everyone knew. It was like finding out your girlfriend's cheating on you. I was the last to know.

It was my dad the whole time.

Let's get into that a little bit. I was pausing. One of the tree lots, you know. Sure, they pop up in like a gas station or whatever. Shopping center. And so he would, I think, climb the fence. At night? Yeah. And grab a tree or two and then hoist them over. Because you get one from my uncle's family, too.

Because we were in the given season. Yeah.

Yeah, I really, really managed to do 20 years of really staying under the radar. Playing it cool. All the comics are like, oh, you're really funny.

I was like, what the hell are you? I remember. I remember that. I didn't mean it.

Once I think me and my sisters became in our teens, not so much, but when we were very young. And you had to eat everything on your plate because there's kids starving in Ethiopia. That was the theme at every meal was, you know, there's a kid in Ethiopia that wants that carrot.

Yes. And I think, yes. OK. Yeah.

16. Where'd you go? Belgium. Really? So when I was in high school, I dated a girl who had dual citizenship in Belgium and her family had, and we would go over to a Belgian carnival, which is a big beer drinking festival. It's fucking awesome.

Yeah, I mean... They don't know he drinks. Don't have them watch the movie.

Well, back then it wasn't a lot of money, and we had a place to stay in Belgium with our family.

Yeah, it was just getting there, and the tickets weren't bad. You could fly to Belgium for $300 back then, you know? Smoke on the plane.

Did your family ever go to Europe or anything like that? My family has never been. I've never been out of Everett.

A quarter of a century ago. A quarter of a century. I walked into an open mic night. I saw Joe up on stage. He was hilarious. And he had a really, really hot girlfriend. And I was like, this guy must be doing something right.

No, they've been to Aruba.

They go to Aruba.

Powdered iced tea? Powdered iced tea, the 4C or whatever.

And a juice, a lot of juice. I always liked cranberry juice. I like the tartness of cranberry juice. Oh, yeah, you introduced me to cran grape. It really changed my life for a few months.

What do you like, pork chops or clam? Cram chops.

I get the cran pineapple now with vodka. I mean, it doesn't come with vodka. I put the vodka. But they make a cran pineapple, and it's a perfect bay breeze.

In the morning, a bay breeze. I did not mean the morning.

No. I mean, not on days off. If I have a day off and I know I don't have any obligation, I'll stop drinking. drinking earlier than... I mean, it'd be hard not to.

Key West. Usually not, unless there's an event. There's a ton of events. There's always a parade. So there is an event. There's always something. There's always a pub crawl or a fucking parade or there's always a reason to... Oh my God, it's Tennessee Williams' birthday and you fucking wake up and... Well, they're looking for it. We're having margaritas and Bloody Marys at Brian's house.

It's Oscar Wilde. Let's get fucked up. I got a recent text that was like, hey, Bloody Mary's at my house, 7.45 a.m. This was like, I'm not going to be there for it. I got to get the hell out of here.

Yeah, yeah. It was my youngest sister's birthday. Okay. Or Christmas present. And my father got a limousine. And he got us tickets. He couldn't just let my sister go. He had to get the thing, even though I wasn't a huge... All right, I wasn't. And it was also Joey McIntyre's birthday concert. It was at the Worcester Centrum. And we were like, oh, my God, Dad got us a limousine.

We get in the limousine. There's nine other kids that we don't know. My father and one of his buddies, like... Merged. Fucking shuttled. Like, they made a shuttle bus out of this limo. I ended up sitting in the front with the driver. I'm sitting with the driver in the front the whole way to fucking Worcester.

My dad's like co-op the limousine.

It was during their blow up.

It was the Worcester Centrum, which is like, I don't know, 25,000 seats.

Okay.

It wasn't really a thing where we lived because north of Boston, it's all sub shops, pizza shops, roast beef, whatever.

We didn't order a ton of pizza as a family. My mother cooked a bunch.

Sometimes. Some things. I think so. She would set off the smoke detectors every time. Like every time.

Yeah. I mean, she would just, I don't know, not good ventilation. She wouldn't open the fucking window and then beep, beep, beep, beep every time she cooked. If she was boiling an egg, the fucking smoke detector would go off. What about the pet situation? We had a dog named Scooter. He didn't make it. We had a cat.

It was a... For rolling back odometers. That's 21 to 35 in dog years. We weren't a huge pet family. We weren't a huge pet family. We were cats. I had a cat named Misery. Really? A little black cat. It was awesome. It could fetch. It was one of them. You'd throw a stick and it would bring it back and then cry until you threw it again. Sucking the life out of me at night.

My auntie Sandy, her real name's Joan. My sister's name is Sandy, and then I have another Aunt Sandy. Yeah, so three Sandys in my immediate family.

She would make lasagna. She would make all kinds of awesome stuff. Okay. Cacciatore's and fucking... Cacciatore's? Yeah, all kinds of... That's not bad.

If you're in the market, let me know. That's what every dirtball says. Location's great. It's two blocks from the Gulf of America. It's a good Gulf. So, yeah, it's a killer. It's a three-bedroom, two-bath. But I also, you know, I have roommates. Okay. So it's my.

Yeah. Do you own this? No, it's in the documentary. No, they're in there a little bit. Dora. Yeah. Do you own this apartment? I just thought they were your friends. We don't own the apartment. You just rent it. We rent it. Okay. So it's two roommates. One of them leaves for half the year. So we have an open room half the year. What do they do? They go to Maine and work at their family's restaurant.

Oh, no, they work when they're in Key West.

Dora, they. It's my roommate Dora.

So she is away half the year, and then my other roommate, Jill, she works at the library now. She used to be at the bank, which is the best. If you have a roommate that works at the bank, you never have to go to the bank. It's fucking awesome.

She takes home money. If you get a check or anything, I just leave it on the kitchen table. And she'll deposit it when she gets there. Yeah, and any problem you ever have with the bank, she always – now I get library connections.

That's the bank that you use. Yeah. The Bank of Key West or something like that? First state bank of the Florida Keys. I knew it wasn't a chase. My debit card has a manatee on it. I'm not kidding. I'll show it to you.

So any of the beaches that have nice sand, it's imported sand from Miami or the Bahamas. They truck it in. Okay. For the most part, it's a coral, rocky beach. Can you walk on it barefoot? I recommend water shoes. Okay. A pair of aqua socks. Aqua socks.

Do you go swimming in the ocean a lot? Not a ton, but often.

Every single day. I mean, a lot of times we'll just go to a resort pool. Okay.

Oh, you probably know somebody. Or do you sneak in? No. A lot of the resorts in Key West are what they call local friendly. As long as you buy a drink and you're not being a dick, you can use their facilities. That's good. That is a community. Yeah, it really is. That's what I love about the town is that I've never lived in a place where I knew my neighbors. You lived above your parents.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't go fishing a ton. My girlfriend does all the, my fiance, she does all the spear fishing and lobster tickling. What's lobster tickling? So the way you catch Caribbean lobsters is you swim down and you have a net and then you have a tickle stick.

And when you see their antennas sticking out from underneath a log or something, you put the net on one side and you tickle the antenna and then it shoots into your net and He can take six a day. That's how he got his.

We were just starting out. Okay. I started when I was 25. Okay. All right. He had started just before me.

Not all the time. I mean, I'm from Boston. Maine lobster is clearly better. It's sweeter, more tender, and it's just way better. But Caribbean lobster done right can be good. Where are you grocery shopping down there? Publix or Winn-Dixie. Okay. Two fine establishments. Right next to my, a block from my house is Fausto's Food Palace. That's our local old town little mini grocery store. Okay.

Like everything's crazy expensive, but we go there.

We'll all hang out, go to dinner or have dinner at the house.

I take everyone's shit, but no one takes my shit.

Like, if you went to the store and bought some... I mean, they get upset, but I don't give a fuck. Well, I usually have the intention of replacing whatever I'm taking, and sometimes I remember to do that. What's a normal meal at home for you? We do a lot of... Are you cooking? Sushi, because the ocean's... You know, everything's fresh. A lot of fish... I eat steak as often as I can.

You'll make yourself a steak? Once in a while, but there's a couple of restaurants in town. So you're eating out a lot? I eat out a lot. Way more than we probably can afford. What's a normal breakfast? I'm not a big breakfast. I do a coffee and a joint Okay.

On stage.

I don't know that one. You've made this joke 17,000 times. Hey, you want to get a sandwich? Oh, I just ate yesterday. Boom. That's gold.

I try a Subway is the only one I usually. Really? Once in a while. Is there a McDonald's down there? There is, but you got to go to Newtown to find it. I don't go past White Street. Do you have a car down there? Just dumped it. We just, Kristen, my fiance, she had a Toyota Celica convertible. It was really rough. Whoa. And we just junked it because we don't really need a car. We bicycle.

Yeah. And my friend owns a rental dealership down there. And so he needs, I have a parking spot. He needs the space so he leaves me a vehicle. Ah, so you can zip around if you need it. So I can zip around, go to the grocery store if I need a Home Depot. And what he's been leaving me is a... lime green dune buggy, an electric... It's the most impractical vehicle of all time. There's no doors.

You have to climb in Dukes of Hazzard style. It's wild. It's ridiculous. There's a backseat, but you can't put a human in it. With legs.

Caribbean lobsters only.

So that's what I've been tooling. That's when my fiance dropped me off at the airport and was a lime green...

I mean, it depends on the day.

When it needs to be done. I don't do, like, the books and website update and shit like that.

I have a partner. His name is Joe Madows. He's the one that started Comedy Key West, and then he kind of brought me down to help figure it out. So I book the acts, and I host the shows, typically.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's every every almost every night. No shit. Yeah. So we do, you know, paint and chug nights. We do Ernest Hemingway in a funny way. You know, we do different kinds of shows.

It's not bad. I mean, I mean, we're coming into slow season. We just come out of spring break, which is gotcha that a whole month of just young. Sure. Duly noted.

Not as a rule, but I think I have done that. Okay.

I have to go around the world. I'm about to. Really? Tomorrow. I'm going. Really? Friday, I'm going to Vietnam. The war's over, man.

Wait, you and the fiance? Right, and her family. Her brother is getting married to a Vietnamese woman in Vietnam. No kidding. So I got the traditional Vietnamese wedding attire.

I'm curious. $128 or something. Handmade, embroidered with fucking cranes on it and shit. It's fucking awesome.

partied and i was like i like this that's how you guys that was the bonding well yeah do you want to we drank a lot and i don't know we do crazy shit and steal shit and go to strip joints and well tom called it a strip joint is old school oh we loved we went to t-bars all the time and we had fucking speed dial strippers that came to our house yeah yeah that was pretty awesome like we would do it so regularly that the it was like an in-call service they would come to your house and we

Yeah, that was the thing. My girlfriend, my fiance, she was like, we go to Vietnam for this wedding. I'm like, no fucking way. I'm going halfway around the world unless we can keep going.

So where's the next stop? Vietnam, Thailand, Nepal, Dubai, Turkey, Greece. Portland, Maine.

That's not bad. You're going to end up in Greece? Greece, yeah. An island called Santorini, I think. Buddy was there last year. You're going to love it. She got us. It's my birthday. Happy birthday. I'm turning 50.

Why? What's going on?

No.

Maybe that's why the room is so cheap.

Very nice. Are you a cruise guy by any chance or no? I've only been on, I think, two cruises. I didn't like it. I feel trapped.

Well, my girlfriend's got a cave. She got us the hotel rooms in a cave.

And it's got its own little caldera pool in a fucking cave.

It's probably a court shirt, too. Funeral court wedding. Nice shirt.

Well, not me. Yeah, I own a suit. I just bought a suit. We were in Italy last.

Seersucker.

You look good in a suit. It was linen. It was Italian linen, and I got that in Italy. We went to Italy to visit a comic named April Macy. I don't know.

Yeah, she has a villa. Huh. Yeah, we went and hung out at her villa. It was fantastic.

I always liked traveling when I was young. I did all of Western. I did the whole thing where you backpacked for three months.

Youth hostels.

Morocco. Smoking hash on a hash farm. Making hash. On a hash farm. Hash oil shipping it to France.

I was on a hash farm.

That's what I was really hoping for in coming in here is I know I'm garbage, but I was hoping to be high-end garbage.

I buttoned up.

I'm cold. I'm always cold. I got a layer.

Yeah.

In my pee? No, never. I don't brush my teeth. You wear cologne at all. My girlfriend just got me Sex Panther cologne.

Yeah, it's from the movie.

But they sell it. It's kind of nice. It doesn't smell like what they say in the movie. It burns a little bit.

We just got engaged. We're in Scotland. I proposed via falcon. I had a bird of prey swooping on the lady.

It wasn't a falcon. It turned out that the falcon was in a bad mood. It was a parrot. They got me an owl. It was an owl.

Yeah, it was pretty awesome. That's pretty classy. That's fucking classy. Yeah. It was majestic. Huh. Yeah, we stayed in a castle.

All right.

Like, we'd get the double, you know, you save if you get an extra stripper. Extra stripper. And so we would get two girls to come over, and they would tell stories about our house instead of the other way around. Like, we weren't, like, the next day, like, oh, wasn't that fucking crazy? The strippers were like, that was fucking crazy.

We live together currently.

Shit.

Dora and Jill, my two roommates, they live on the second floor. Chris and I have the third floor.

It's like our own bedroom. Gotcha. Okay.

Yeah, it's a bedroom and a bathroom. The problem is it's the fucking third floor and I smoke cigarettes. So if I forget anything upstairs, I buy a new one. I'm just not going up the stairs.

You can't go on it. Yeah. Well, you can, but only on one side.

Yeah. I don't want to.

Dump it. Dump it. I don't want to bother the landlord. We're back.

It's a pretty good deal. Okay. No.

Oh, that's nice, too.

This is a winter IPA. This guy's changing seasons over here. Winter of 96, it says. That's a good year.

That's not bad. What kind of cigarettes do you smoke? Marlboro Lights? I was, for 25 years, I smoked Parlaments. Like the blue pack. The blue pack. I started smoking because those, no, no, the regular, original light blue. All the cheerleaders in my high school smoked parliaments, and that's how I started.

Yeah, and if they needed to bum one, I wanted to be the guy that was like, I got you. You guys are closing deals. But I just recently changed about a month and a half ago to American Spirit Yellow.

They last forever, and I'm smoking way less of them. I'm not smoking as much as I normally do.

I bought seven packs to get me to Hanoi.

No, I'm flying to L.A. Okay. I'm flying to L.A., meeting up with the lady, and then we're flying to Hanoi.

I mean, this is the only long sleeve shirt.

I did two carry ons. Just two carry ons. You have a school bag and then carry on. I have a duffel and a backpack. To go around the world.

Are you going to like... Two bathing suits, some underwear, fucking... My kimono.

What do you mean?

Of course. Yeah, we'll do laundry the whole way.

I'm a big laundry guy. I don't know if you heard that about me.

I'm fluffing.

No. Picking that up in L.A. No. It's being made right now in Hanoi. It's being made. No kidding.

Wow, okay. But it's all custom-y, nice, embroidery. What, did you send them your sizes? Yep, I had to go and get fitted for the, it's called the, it means, it literally, it literally translates to long shirt.

What do you mean had a used car lot? I grew up on a used car lot.

Throw like a broad.

It's not something I go for, but I've had and not hated.

I am.

I actually like both. Sometimes I combine them. What?

Well, it takes a little off of the sharpness of the miracle whip. It takes a little of the miracle away.

Are you a softball guy? Yeah, I ran the Boston Comedy Softball League. That's right. For like six years or something. I have all the trophies and plaques and my honorary high school diploma because I never graduated high school. You got an honorary high school diploma? Yeah, because I did a talk at the Key West High School. So you got a diploma from a school you didn't go to. Right.

Yeah, you're not going to have to ask any of those garbage questions. I grew up on a used car lot. Okay.

Yeah. It's Key West Prep or something like that.

It was community college. Anyone can go.

I should have led with that. I just was distracted. I just wasn't good at it. I fucking hated it. My home life was falling apart because my dad was crazy. I was living with another family for a little while.

I just stopped going.

My girlfriend was like, you got to get your GED. And so I did that. It was the fucking easiest test I ever took.

I used to do a joke about it where I go, I felt like I was filling out an application to work at McDonald's, which I kind of was.

I just talked about being a small business owner in Key West, opening a business there and doing stand-up and blah, blah, blah. It's a bunch of 16-year-old kids. How to make a mean, bloody marriage.

Do you read a lot? I bet you read a lot. I don't read a lot. Okay. I watch a lot of YouTube. Damn.

There was many iterations of it. Originally, it was my father. I grew up on my father's used car lot, and then he sold that. We got a different one, and then when I was old enough, I kind of ran the car lot because he was crazy, which if you watch the movie, I mentioned how crazy my father was.

One was about dolphins getting killed by Japanese guys in a cove.

More fun than Joe told me it was going to be. What?

Bangkok Comedy Club. Seriously? I'm trying to do a spot there. Yeah, I think it's April 27th or something.

I'm the feature.

Aw. Which is like, in the comedy world, does not happen. I know a couple of guys up in the mainland that also do. The mainland. Yeah, well, I live in the Keys. I just never heard that word referred to as that. Yeah, and the mainland is a couple of guys that run killer shows, and a lot of the times we'll connect and we'll route it. Yeah, which is amazing.

Really?

What do you say we get a couple of these? Yeah. You like strippers? I sold a car to a stripper. To the one that we used to visit up on... Bethany, body glove girl. Body glove girl, yeah. He too, a couple of creeps.

Well, we would walk in the strip club, and it would be like midday. There's no one in there, and she's on stage, and there's $1 on the stage. And we'd walk in, and she would just walk in, have a party, and start celebrating our arrival.

No, we weren't high rollers.

yes yeah that's where you have the strippers come over yeah and you would just have them without getting too graphic you just have them do a dance for you and that's it are you hooking up with these bro yeah no no no no we had a little we had a way they said that was for sure yeah i was gonna say why don't i just get a hooker no no no no it was funnier like we just because we none of us had any money so if you get eight guys and everyone throws up 20 bucks you can get these broads to show up at your house

And so we would do that. And we even had it set up where we had a karaoke machine. And my buddy Dave, he'd call the dance like a play-by-play. Like, now she's putting the dildo on her head and blah, blah, blah. I think I know her. It was pretty awesome. He would do strip club DJ in my house through a karaoke machine.

trey and uh no that was that was something different oh that was something different that was my uh we we ended up paying uh some strippers we'll call them strippers sure uh we paid them in like old cds and a couple of madden games she must have been a good looking girl giant change jar we had a bunch of change

In a mirror. I like that mirror. And I was like, you can have it. They were walking out of our house with bags of change and CDs. Do you play Call of Duty at all? That's how we paid them. We figured out once they got there, we didn't have enough money. So they just took shit from around our apartment. Holy shit.

I fucked up. When you say it like that, yeah, you moved to New York, and then Tom went down and said, I really fucked up.

Jimmy Buffett's in it. Jimmy Buffett is in it.

That's enough. North Shore, Everett, Revere, Chelsea.

It's pretty much the same. It's just north and south of Boston. It's like blue collar kind of suburbs. Brothers and sisters? I got an older and a younger sister. Okay. And my older sister is a janitor for the post office.

And a smoke show. Really? Yes.

Duly. She got pregnant. I don't know why I said it like that either. You were just spilling the beans. She got pregnant. She was a mail carrier. She got pregnant, so she couldn't carry the mail anymore. She wanted to keep working. Sorry. Long story short, she took the janitor job temporarily and then fucking loved it.

She was like, I got to clean one bathroom, and I got a government salary, and blah, blah, blah. So my youngest sister is a karate instructor. She's a black, double, triple black belt in karate. She's had lunches and symposiums. Sounds like they're your brothers, dude. I've never met female karate instructors. That is funny. I never thought of that.

Yeah, I'm the girliest one in my family. Does she have her own dojo? She does. Well, it just burnt down. What? It just burnt down.

She has lunch with fucking Chuck Norris all the time. What? Well, not all the time. She's been to many breakfasts and lunches with Chuck Norris.

Anyway.

No, my mother actually, she was more on the technical side of, do you remember when in the old days you could roll back odometers to make cars work more?

My mother was the best in the business at it. My mother could roll back any odometer, and other dealerships would call. This is back in the 80s.

Okay. This is in the 80s. I'm sure we're fine. This is in the 80s, but my mother would roll back the odometer. Allegedly. She's a little tiny lady. She'd get up under the dashboard and pull it apart.

She even figured out how to do the, when they first came out with the digitals, she used a 9-volt battery, and she'd just tap, tap, tap until it rolled over, and then it would have the miles you wanted on it. All right. Okay.

It was for a bunch of years, and then he got crazy. He went crazy. Okay. And so the business kind of floundered after that.

So the business went away. Okay. And then he went into the nuthouse for a couple of years, and he was kind of incapacitated for a couple of years. Gotcha. And then he and my cousin and my father, my uncle... We all opened a new car dealership, and that didn't last very long.

His Jewish hair looks like horns. It's not good. It looks like it was drawn by a Nazi artist. Oh, yeah. Oh. Is that him? That's him.

Looks like Alan Lefkowitz.

How about Alan? Did you watch Alan with Colin Quinn? I saw that. I love Alan. Me too. He's 78, though. I thought he was 73.

78.

Damn. Similar guys.

True.

I think I do a better Alan than soda. You got to assert.

Yeah, all four.

I don't anymore. The whole game. I did for a long time. I love Alan. Falling out? You pulled out? Yeah, I think I'm good for now.

He looks exactly like... He looks exactly like, what's his toes in old school, at the beginning, the director. Todd Phillips. Todd Phillips. He looks just like Todd Phillips in the I'm Here for the Gangbang scene. That's right. I mean, that's like dead on. Oh, JFL. I heard JFL's coming back with different ownership.

I don't think Netflix.

I got you. We're just watching. It's crazy that you guys watch TV.

Are you enjoying it? Parenthood. Having a kid? Yeah. Oh, I'm enjoying it the most right now. This is ideal.

I think I went to the DMV. I think I did the really shitty one.

Right. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was pretty rough. And also because the beginning, the baby can't see and he doesn't know or she, they don't know who you are. Sure. And so any one of us could just go in there. So there's not even like, yeah, this guy. Right. So they don't even, they're not even reciprocating.

You get nothing. And then they're up, you're up all night and they're crying and it's not fun. No, it's a nightmare. Oops, sorry.

Yeah, I went to a place, like the pre-check place. And it was fine. It was easy.

You bomb a corporate gig, you're like, fuck these people, I'm never going to see them again. It's a corporate gig. And you got a chick. Right.

But there's sweet moments. But it was tough. And then trying to go DuPont. It was tough. But now it's like amazing. It's the best. It's wonderful.

Really?

Yeah, now like last night I ran home like Cusack to get home before we went to bed and I like opened the door and he was like, what?

Oh, it's huge.

But you get those people that when the baby goes to bed, they crack a beer and all that stuff.

Sure, sure. And also, it's hard to do. Now, like last week, I've been on the road a bunch. When I come home, I had no spots all week, like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And I was like, this is how I want to live my life now. Because you spend the whole day with the baby. It ends. You're like, great. I'm going to watch the Sox or whatever. Yeah, yeah. You become a homebody.

Well, now there's the other one. I don't even want to mention it because I want the line to stay short. But you know about...

It does make it harder to go out.

Yeah.

It's like darts, you just throw them at the wall. Yeah. Even Lincoln lost like so many kids. Really? Go back to like the 1800s, yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. Wow, honest Abe. Yeah. Or like farm accidents.

Yeah, bleep that. You gotta bleep that. Well, we keep giving more. You got the fingerprint, the iris. It's gonna keep... There's gonna be a new thing in the year. I don't care. I gotta tell you. Yeah, my balls.

Now we're plowing the kids. Hello, folks. Not us.

We'll be right back.

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I'm a bad... Dip your balls in the little thing. I don't care about it. The government... I've always been like this, even going back to George W. Bush. I've always been a bad liberal... That's a bad word now. That's like the N-word, the liberal. But whatever, a bad...

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Yeah, I think it's all right. But I think, yeah, I think it's more, yeah. Probably not intercourse so much. I thought there was a dog. I didn't even realize there was like a living creature right there. Oh, yeah. It's hilarious.

She will not like it. But no, it's great. It's awesome. It's fun. And then you miss, you have somebody to miss, you know, because I don't miss Sarah, but I miss the baby. Sure, sure.

leaning left person because ever since day one i'm like read my emails listen to my phone calls watch this fuck i don't care if i can get on the airport faster i don't care if you read my text i feel bad for you yeah because it's just a lot of a lot of dark horse shit let the government read all my shit we're putting it all out anyway you got the phone you gotta find my iphone they know where we are they know what gay club you're at whatever tiktok knows who you are to a t

Right.

Yeah. So can I say this? And this is why you'll do it is it's also like a natural, you know, because we're uncomfortable socially with strangers. So it's a natural progression of like.

oh don't you have a baby oh yeah oh you want to see it like it gives you it's not like i want to show people my baby right it's just like the natural thing of like oh this is what you say next it goes to the conversation it's the same as being like boy it's been really hot lately like i don't actually give a shit to say it's hot out sure it's a small talk being polite yeah it just gives you photo of their baby and you're like i don't care yeah right right give a shit about your baby

Yeah. But also, I'm the guy now that I always hated where I'm going to watch a movie and I'm like, ooh, a new crime doc. It's like, ah, it's a child abduction. Ah, I don't want to watch that.

Yeah, you got to like, ah. But Manchester by the Sea is still my favorite film.

We have it on repeat.

I don't go to strip clubs, you idiot. Me neither. Another word from Factor. No, I don't. I mean, I haven't been to a strip club in a long time. I like porn. I'm not saying strip. It could be anything.

No. You don't really watch porn either. I kind of think that. You're watching child porn. You're like, this could be. No, but when the hot women walk by and I stare at their ass as they pass, I'm not like, ah, you idiot. That was a baby. Okay. I'm like, no, I want to come on that butt. Yeah.

No, now when a baby walks by, I'm like, nope, not as cute as ours. Okay. Not as cute as ours. That's horse shit. I cannot wait to see how much cuter my baby is than yours.

What do you mean?

No, you can tell. No, you can tell.

Plus, we get the reaction. Everyone's like, oh my God, it's like a Gerber baby.

Oh, shit. It's like next level cute.

Yeah. Fantastic baby. Oh, let's pull up some real logos.

Oh! Oh, my God. That one four in from the left is the thing from Star Wars.

Well, some of these are early, too. Early, early. Some of them just look. Go to the top left. That one's second. Yeah, that one just kind of looks like Ed Harris. Right. That's not that bad. He just looks like an older baby. Yeah. It also takes time.

Right.

His old banker.

Big Irish head on this baby.

Who?

That's Beetlejuice from Howard Stern.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Well, that's a shame, because we would decide we're not going to put the baby online. He's a private being. That's an adorable baby. That's a good-looking kid.

Oh, yeah. China. There were the COVID people who were like, I don't want the government, because they were knocking on doors for people to get the vaccine. They're like, I don't want to get the vaccine. And so they know where I am. It's like, they knocked on your door. They found you. They got you already. Right.

Yeah, that baby looks like an adult baby, though. He looks like he runs a law firm or something.

But you have this thing where you're like, we're not putting the baby online, and then he comes out so goddamn adorable that you're like, I could really blow up my shit.

Yeah, it's actually just weird. Then you can recognize people's children.

They really are. Well, also, you talk about this all the time. When you go to Houston, you're like, oh, there's these two kids.

Yeah, you could really walk up and be like, hey, Pete, I know how you play Little League and you won your game two weeks ago.

I know how much you love candy, too, if you want to hop in real quick. Right, exactly.

Hey, your mom puts a shoe in your dad's butt. Yeah.

Here we are on opposite sides of the couch the way we like it. Right. Couples therapy, how is everything?

Well, it's weird. We're going to have parent-teacher conferences and they're going to be like, oh, you don't shave your pussy that often.

Right. The principal's like, were you on Comptown? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, so that's a little weird. Yeah, that is weird. Not to mention the amount of... Bad boy words with you.

Oh, yeah. It would be a kid's bar mitzvah. I'm a big fan of Legion of Skanks. The rabbi loves it.

Well, we have that right now. Like, we're going down to the Cape, and my nephew is like, can I bring my girlfriend? We rented a house. And I'm like, yeah, sure. They're like 15. But then you're like, if this... girls' parents do a quick Google search. It's just me on our podcast being like, all right, fuck it, kid. We'll see you next week. And they're like, what is this? That's true.

But yeah, in my defense, we have a baby. And when we would fly, because I had clear and pre-check, I would take the baby.

Yeah.

Well, it's hard because, yeah.

Well, Sarah's mother is like, you know, quite sophisticated. She's like an intellectual British woman. Like, I would never talk about fucking Sarah. Of course. It's weird to have her come to a show and I'm like, yeah, in order to get my wife to come, I got to stick a thumb in her asshole.

And she's like, what? No, I don't think so. And we have a thing if she watched on YouTube, it's like, at least you're removed from it or whatever. Yeah. But just live and then seeing her after.

It's like, well, we all have different versions of ourselves. Like, I'm not showing that side of me to a 72-year-old British intellectual.

I tell this story, I tried to do it on stage, but one time I was at Starbucks and my app wasn't working and I was like, oh, sorry, my app's being shitty. And the woman was like, I was like, oh, so I just, I hang out with fucking animals.

Shitty. Nothing to me.

Yeah.

But saying in a work environment. She makes that face. Now you're being. Yeah.

Well, that's what's weird, too, about clips sometimes. Like we have a company that will do clips for our podcast and they're like, let's throw this out there. And it's like, I'd rather come in a woman's face than have a man come in my face or whatever. And then you're like, well...

My, like, sister-in-law and niece and aunt aren't listening to an hour of us talk, but, like, Instagram, that'll pop up. I know. And I'm like, now I got my sister-in-law and brother-in-law being like, huh, I guess he likes man jizz in his face or whatever.

It's so true, though. It's the worst fucking part, and that's how they wrote you in.

It's also just rude.

Well, that's ultimately the problem with the world we're living in. And this happens also every once in a while when like, I think Tracy Morgan got in trouble years ago. People say something in a comedy club or Louis, and then it gets taken out, and you're like, but that wasn't for everybody. That was for the people in this room. It's the same with the podcast.

I'm like, this is for this group of people listening. If you take this out and put it over in that other world, we look like psychopaths. That's crazy. I'm not... I don't want this in my mother-in-law's living room. This is for these virgins over here.

My mom would say stuff to me like, I saw this clip of you and I was really offended. I was like, well, it wasn't for you.

Not my mom. She needs to tell me. And she'll start with, as your mother. I'm like, I know who you are.

I know it's coming. As a woman. I know you're a woman, mom. Yeah. Damn, yeah. I know what you mean. I would love it if she kept it to herself. We've had arguments over it. Yeah.

We're silly geese.

I need a clip of Mark farting on Yamanika and then being like, I'm dialing it back. This is the bunned up me.

Ah, jeez.

That's fun. Yeah. Nate was another one who did not like the fart. Oh, did you see that clip? I did, yeah.

Nate, no, that's not Nate's cup of tea.

Oh, yeah. Well, Louie, I told you, Louie's, we've been close for a long time. I've never heard him fart. He's never once lifted a leg and been like, and we were at the, like, Four Seasons, first night on the tour for Mark. I'd been on the tour for a while. I got to know the man, and we were in his room, and Mark just went on his bed and rolled over, put both ankles down.

It just goes... And Louie was on the phone with room service ordering food like this. Yeah. That was tough. That's a hard bomb.

Hard.

There's a clip of Louie on The Daily Show back in the day where Louie's like, if you don't find farts funny, there's something wrong with you. Well, I think maybe he thought it was funny. I don't know.

Maybe he was ordering, you know.

The bed and the fact that he's ordering food. Yeah, and the legs of Kimbo.

Stupid pregnant asshole.

At that point, I think you guys had spent like 80 minutes together.

Two men in between us, the way I always... You guys used to have the bit about first class, how you get upgraded, but you wouldn't be able to sit together, and you're like, yeah, we're okay with it. Yeah, no problem.

It wasn't like your old pals. Yeah. You've taken some real fucking risks.

I remember Colin not liking you from the get-go at Whiplash. Quinn didn't like you? Well, because DePaulo did Whiplash, if you can believe that.

Wild. What?

Yeah. It's colliding. And then Mark went on after and was like, yeah, this fucking, whatever you said. And Colin was like, who the fuck is this kid?

zinging nick to paul what is he crazy you don't do that that's nuts and he's like i hope this kid dies and but now now you guys are cool nick likes you too now right oh yeah we go way back time yeah we talked we've had some good calls but i mean now who knows where he is now no he's great he's on the capital steps or what just kidding nick Two of the Kings.

He's listening to this. He's like, I'm going to fucking kill that kid. Oh, people will message me every once in a while and be like, you got to stop. You can't have this man in your life. You piece of shit.

You keep saying that. Cut that. Well, the show's fantastic. Five years ago. Best show I've ever been on in my life. Are you kidding me? No. No, it was really bad.

Oh, he's great. He's going to Skagfest.

That'll be good.

No, he loves you. He does. Oh, okay.

People aren't on my side. I'm in the minority here.

And I don't know if this is a peeve. I don't understand these people. It bothers me, but it doesn't bother me. I'm unaffected by it. It's nice. Let me just say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't understand people that get in line at the Starbucks drive-thru when there's like 15 cars in the driveway or in the drive-thru.

And my buddy's like, let's go to the drive-thru because he doesn't want to get out of the car, I guess. And I'm like, no, let me go in. He's like, I don't like going in. I'm like, just pull over. So I'm like, please, park the car. I'll get out. First of all, I like the steps. I like the dopamine, the serotonin from having an interaction. Agreed.

And now what I do, the people are all, there's literally like 14 cars in line, and I'll wave to the people as I'm walking in, get my drink. There's literally zero people inside. I leave with my tea, and I knock on the window and go, huh? Ha ha. It's crazy. These people would rather sit in their car for 25 minutes just to not talk to anybody. I'm with you. It's not worth it. I don't get it.

Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

That doesn't make sense. I think this stemmed from COVID on some level. Like the delivery guy used to have like the handoff. You gave him the money. Remember back in the day? Yeah. And then COVID came and they just always left at the door. And then that just stuck. And I think people got used to like not any interaction.

But we do that on the road. We love it. We go to McDonald's drive-thru, and then we park and eat. Oh, okay, okay. That I find... I'm talking about the parking lot of your work. I'm talking about the middle of nowhere, yeah.

It moves quick. Oh, really?

I just don't get it, and I like getting out of the car. But Sarah, this is a pet peeve with Sarah. I think this is psychotic. I try to do it as a bit. People don't even understand. Please. We used to take a bus. Now we're doing pretty well. But we'd take a bus. The bus would pull into Burger King to stop, and I'd be like, all right, let's go. And she's like, no, I'm going to sit here.

Oh, that's crazy. I'm like, you don't want to get off the bus? That's wild.

You're scared it's going to pull away or something?

You don't want to stretch? You don't want to get air? She's just breathing in bus air with her legs crushed.

Really? Yeah. I would actually sometimes not get out on those things. I was just always scared they're going to leave you. Where do you stand on the aisle of the bus?

No, it was crazy. I had to hire a writer. They're like, yes, they work there. I don't know. I showed up with two jokes. They're like, you need nine jokes per topic. It was crazy. I was working around the clock. It was horrible.

How about when I did the LA Forum with Louis, this is like 10 years ago now, and Todd Glass was opening, and he brought up Louis, and then while Louis came on stage, they were giving me a standing ovation. Todd stood behind him like... doing this thing, and Louie got really upset. Because after like 10 minutes, Louie just looked back and realized that Tom was still back there being like, for me?

That's really funny. Oh, it was so funny. He didn't get really upset, but he was like, what are you doing?

We've got to have Louie on here, and you have to fart on him at some point.

I promise I will. But it's just funny, though. From Louie's perspective, he's like... made it to, like, the tippity-pointiest top of comedy. And now more people are doing arenas. Back then, like, nobody was doing arenas. He's at the L.A. Forum, sold out, they're going crazy, and his buddy's doing a gag.

Well, it depends on what the butt is.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is a difference. I mean, like, because you're looking foolish in that situation. You don't want to look foolish.

I sure as fuck didn't get off the one cruise I did. There you go. People did. I'm not... What if they pull away your passports on the boat?

Like at midnight back in the day. Remember that? Yeah.

I think you bring the passport.

I know. But a cruise is different because a cruise you have a bedroom, there's a pool. True. A bus, you're on a bus. True. It's insane. And then also you could at least stand by the door.

You could stand outside, breathe in the air and not have the sun hit your face.

Yeah, that's a good point. They're both fair peeves. I think they're good peeves. Good peeves. Sarah, you got some peeves over there?

Yeah. And you may as well be a lobster in a tank with all the space you get in there. It's fucking embarrassing. I know.

I never did at midnight, but that show was, it was a lot of work. But they did pay. It is like classic us though. They're like, we're going to give you a shit load of money to come out and do a TV show. We're like, all right, I'll do it. I'm not going to do any work though. Yeah. I'll just take the trip.

Right. Yeah, of course. I want to swim laps. Dude, best thing for a hangover is just swimming laps. You can feel so good after. No, the best thing is not drinking in the first place, guys.

I said for a hangover.

I don't think I've ever been to one. I went to a TWA one. Can we just be honest? Sarah's talking about your birthday party.

You're not allowed to bring your... What do you mean a line?

They check it.

It's like Ellis Island over there.

Wow. You have to wear a swim cap in those things, too? A lot of minorities.

That's horrendous.

I believe it. It's weird. I used to go to the rec center constantly and swim there. And it's, dude, all old Asian dudes. And a lot of just old people who are there every day and somehow still fat. I'm like, I thought this was like the healthiest thing you could do. And you're looking at these guys body like you look like a fucking jellyfish.

Right. Like, what are you doing? That was an old George Carlin bit about what's his toes? The guy that just died. Richard Simmons. He's like, Richard Simmons is proof you can work out all day, every day and still look like shit. Rest in peace.

Forrest Gump? Paul Walker? Yeah.

I always think that with these people that talk about longevity, I'm like, you shouldn't talk about longevity until you're like 90. True. Because now that you're like 38, being like, this is how you live a long life. You're going to look like a jackass if you die. Yeah. I know. And it happens.

Some of those guys have heart attacks.

Unbelievable. I like the international lounge. You get the beans with the eggs. I kind of like that.

Blood injecting. Blood injecting billionaire.

He's your age. It's weird to be this obsessed with it.

It does look a little funky.

I think Matt Wright's touching his stomach. He's like, that's a sexual move for sure. Yeah, too intimate.

Gotta be. I'm like, what's his... Yeah, what is that touching his belly there?

Well, I think this is the guy, too, that eats like 1,975 calories a day and he eats the same thing at the same time every day. Sometimes you talk to these people, they get ripped up and they're like, I eat three grapes at 2 p.m. and at 9 p.m. I eat a bag of salad and I go to bed at 10.01. You're like, but you're not living a life. No, that's true.

Yeah, what's your peeve?

Does she have a blog? Is she a person or she just wants to remember?

They're teasing it.

Exactly.

Oftentimes I take a lot of photos because I just want to have the memory to remember the thing.

That's fine.

But she's slowing down the meal. Not letting anyone else touch it is crazy.

Right, right. Just get in there and lick them and eat them.

Yeah, I hear that. It's dim. I hear thee. But yeah, if you're not allowed to touch the food, I think that's goofballs. That was the problem. Get some candids.

You got that right. Yeah, that's all Brit. That's what Sarah's mother makes. Sarah's mother's British. Did you guys know that? Oh, sorry.

Right. We'll see. I got one. I don't know. Did I do this one yet, Matt? Let me know if I did this. I'm in the bathroom, in a public bathroom, and there's a guy peeing from like six feet away from the urinal. I don't care for that. Far back? Yeah, far back.

Yeah, easy Steph Curry. I mean, it's like, it annoyed me. I was like, I don't want to see your fucking dick.

Yeah, it was very healthy. It has to be. Of course. He was launching it from fucking 30 feet. Jeez.

Yeah, I don't like that. I get right in there. I'm like all the way in.

You have to be. I do. Yeah, absolutely. I block this side with this hand and I block with this. I don't want anyone seeing my dick. I do the same thing. And it's not that I'm embarrassed by my dick, even though my dick is embarrassing. I just want to be considerate. I don't want anyone to have to see my dick. Oh, interesting. It's for them. It's for them, exactly. I see. Same at the gym.

I go towel and then I pull the other way down because it's like no one needs to see my dick.

All right. Can she cook?

You guys are like pampered in the women's room.

I have brought up like... Depends on the public restroom.

If it's an airport bathroom, you ought to believe I washed my hands. Wrigley still has this, by the way. Oh, yeah. Wrigley Field still has a trough. It's fucking insane. It's pretty gross. Oh, it's horrible. I'm a stall guy. What's that?

Urinals splash all the time. My shorts were all splashy the other day. Yeah, that's embarrassing. But you get to an age, I don't even care. I got pee spots everywhere, splash. I'm like, what are you going to do?

Yeah. Every night I take my pants off and Sarah's like, you got a huge pee spot. It looks like Hawaii. Yeah. Massive. Different state every night. Yeah, we did. Is that New Jersey?

You don't want to see the dick.

It's not a bad theory. This is one of the great conspiracy theories I've heard in a while.

I can get behind it. I don't think so because I was at two different Chicago airports over the weekend and neither had them. And that's a diverse city.

Well, the partition also now, now I'm seeing some hire at the airport. They need them high, because it's the face that bothers me. It's not the dick. I don't like your face so close to my face. I get that. I want a full... But dick showing. Yeah, exactly. Have it just up here.

There's a little flag. Now, I've had this before. Have you ever had this? Now, I urinate. Isn't it nice?

Yeah, they're blocking the wrong part. Right.

See, I like to pee in a stall because I like my privacy and I got a bad head-dick connection. I can't. What do you call it? My wires are crossed. Stage fright. Stage fright, yeah.

I love this ADD, though, too. I like to focus. I'll just be pissing sometimes, and my girlfriend will come in and just talk, and I'm like, I can't listen to your day while pissing.

We're similar pissers. You make me feel better. I remember we went to the movies that time, and you had to keep pissing, and it makes me feel better. Oh, I pee nonstop.

Pull up the P.J. Clarks urinals. These are kind of fun. Whoa! What the hell? I don't want to ride it. Have you seen these? These are like the iconic New York urinals. That looks like a Segway. Have you seen them?

Those are kind of fun, right?

That's like free civil rights urinal. What's it called? Still has that. McSorley's has ones like that. McSorley's is cool. Yeah, I love McSorley's.

The whole family. It rains so much. Get a little moisture down there.

Oh, I got a good movie rec. Me too. You guys are a big movie couple. Yeah. Okay, I'd never seen this. It's a 90s kind of western noir I just watched the other day. It's called Lone Star. I don't know Lone Star. It's a John Sayles movie. It's with Chris Cooper. It's fucking incredible. I don't know Lone Star. I loved it.

I do too. It's a great cast. Awesome guy. Young McConaughey is in it. Oh, yeah. Remake? Looks like it. No, it's such a good script. Oh, 1952. Oh, it was a movie in 1952?

It's good, yeah. And it's a story about his dad. Yeah, it's got a hot 92 on Rotten Tomatoes. That says 91, but we'll let it slide. Sorry. It was still good. Yeah, good cast, good movie.

Nah, we're okay. Yeah. Look at that. Sorry. I've tried to do this on stage, and it never really hits the way I want it to hit, but this is a story about Sarah's mother. When Sarah's father passed away, RIP, my mother sent a fruit basket, like a big fruit basket, to the house, and we're all hanging out. Thoughtful.

Oh, I love Christopherson. Who else you got there? Joe Morton. Elizabeth Pena. I don't know her.

In Rush Hour. She died very young. Uh-huh.

Okay.

What can you give me a little premise plot?

Yeah. It's basically, he's the town sheriff and, uh, And his dad was the town sheriff before him. And there was kind of a they discover a body and they think it's the body of this other sheriff. And they think maybe his dad was the murderer and his dad has a spotless reputation and certain things come to light. Oh, baby. It's a slow burn the way it unravels. But it's man.

It's like the construction is so good. There's so many characters and they all kind of serve a purpose. It's great. I'm on it. It's an old school... It's very literary. It's old school and it feels like... I don't think it's based in a book, but it feels like... I love movies that feel like books in a good way. Yeah. Isn't it crazy that there's just movies that just slip through the cracks?

This is one of them, dude. But I looked it up. It's got high audience and critic score and it's... I bought it. I just bought it on a DVD because I heard it was really good.

Yeah. There's so many good noirs in the 90s that I just didn't know about. One of the ones I wrecked on here was The Simple Plan. I fucking love them. I love Simple Plan. It's like that type of forgotten awesome movie. I watched him play recently, Sam Raimi. I saw that in the theaters. I loved it. Whoa. Incredible.

Yeah, what do you got?

What's your rec?

I got two big, fat movie recs. Hit me right in the pooper. One new, one old. Maybe you've seen it. Documentary called Flipside. Do you know about Flipside? Flipside. Chuck, our podcast producer, sent me the trailer. Pull up a little bit of this trailer. Can you show a trailer? It's new. It's new. This movie has all kinds of feel.

It's about a record store, but also about a midlife crisis, about art and creating art. You guys will really relate and connect. Really? Unbelievable. It's emotional. It's beautiful. Oh, I can't wait. I don't know if we're allowed to show this.

What town? This is out in Jersey.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it's all about... I mean, it's just really amazing. It comes all about midlife crisis and creating art.

It's just really beautiful.

But it's all about this guy who created Deadwood is in there. There's this jazz photographer in there. It's this guy. There's so much going on. It's so well done. It's like a masterpiece. Wow. All based on this guy who owns a record store. Huh. But it makes you nostalgic. It looks like Kurt Metzger. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so basically this guy, he's a big, famous commercial director, and then he did, what's this show called? Who's the guy on fucking, ugh. My mind is mushed now.

Not PBS, but NPR. Ira Glass. Ira Glass. He directed Ira Glass's show, and he kind of feels like he becomes a sellout. But then he's this beautiful artist. Yeah, he did the TV show. Oh, that was really good. It is a beautiful film. I had Matt Wayne watch it. He's like, I was crying the whole time. I found the feels. It's beautiful.

I'll just give you the poster, the quote.

The blurb. Eight years ago, his wife was murdered. This is based on a book by Harlan Coben, right? Maybe. I read this one. Yeah, it's a good book. Get this.

Eight years ago, his wife was murdered. Today, she emailed him. Yeah, yeah. It's the book.

Oh, wow.

93%.

I'm going to check it out.

Yeah. This guy writes like just... He's written like 50 books or something. He just burns them out. He's like a... You see his shit at the airport all the time, but he just...

uh all this stuff is like the twists are crazy yeah oh it's really awesome a lot of twists and um fantastic yeah so uh those those are my two movie good wreck i'm gonna watch this movie i'm gonna watch them both yeah please sarah you gotta you gotta wreck

Her mother thought my mother was like, get Joe his fruit. He's got to have his scrapes.

Perfect. We'll figure it out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's based on a book too.

We're dropping off a little for Sarah's pick, but she's a woman. You got to scale.

Yes. Boy, she's a good looking lady, huh? Oh, absolutely.

You see her cans in Brokeback. That's why I watch it all the time. Pull them up. As if they were to be like, to make up for all this gay shit.

Nice set of big juicy cans.

That's wild. Which gave me a window into Sarah. I'm like, this is how you were written. Like, your mother has such low self-esteem. She's like, I can't open. That's got to be.

His best work is Catching Hell, the 30 for 30 about Bartman. That's like his best movie, I think.

It's amazing. Oh, it's the best 30 for 30.

Yeah, it was awesome. It was good.

Gibney's daughter we worked with on a short film. She was at NYU. She was doing DP work. Double penetration.

Gibney rules. That Gonzo doc is awesome also.

Tickled was great, yeah. That's another one. That's a weird one, right?

Yeah, that's cool. By the way, new doc coming, Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, coming soon. Portrait of a Comedian. Where can we see it? It's going to be, we're going to do a screening in New York. Trying to do October. It's in the works right now. I just had a talk today. We're going to try to get it. You guys got to come and check it out. But probably in October. You're in there.

Yeah.

You're in there for a second. I'll take it. And we got into a big festival that we can't announce yet, but that's exciting. I think it's going to play at Skank Fest. And maybe they'll go on Punch-Up. Are you guys around Punch-Up?

Punch-Up is great. Follow us all on Punch-Up. Punch-Up.live slash all of our names. Punch-Up.live slash Joe List. Sarah, are you on as well?

It's great.

Punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. All our tour dates. A bunch of extra stuff. And yeah, I'm pumped to see this doc, man.

Yeah, I think it's really good. I mean, obviously, I think it's good. It's like your baby looking cute. But I think it's really good. I think there's some emotion. There's a lot of stand-up. It's about regret and sobriety and friendship. And Tom is just hilarious. You guys know Tom.

She thinks your mom's just sending you a basket of $80 pears. Yeah. Just some apple slices.

Hilarious. And then Key West is a character itself. Perfect.

Yep.

Salicus was great. I mean, yeah, Salicus was great, obviously. Yeah, of course. No, he was awesome. And Salicus was a big part of it. He's an associate producer. He did great. He interviewed me, and I was annoyed. He was asking me. I'm like, what are you doing? I don't want to be interviewed. And it ended up being a key part that we needed in there. Oh, all right.

And just a great travel partner, Salicus. Yeah. It was a three-man operation. It was me, Patrick Holbert, and Salicus. And Patrick Holbert, by the way, shout out to him, wonderful comedian. And if you ever need video stuff, leave this shithole. He's the best. I mean, he is the top of the line. Matt didn't smile. I feel weird now. He's tough not to crack. But yeah, it's a real passion project.

And it cost me more money than I want Sarah to know. But it's really good, I think.

Yeah, yes. It costs a lot less than Jurassic Park, but it's coming straight out of my wallet, for God's sake. But I think with those ways, we might be able to make it back, maybe.

And also, if you haven't seen Joe's movie, I'm sure a lot of you have seen it, but Fourth of July, that Sarah's also in, great movie. Oh, yeah, where's that at? Where is that, Louis site? It's on everything now.

Pears are pussy. Oh, oh. Pears are tits. Hell yeah, dude.

It's on streaming. I think it's on Amazon now. Oh, how cool is that? Yeah, I think it went everywhere now. It got a nice little bump from that.

No, we never recuperated our money. Look at those scores, huh? But the audience score is like 88% or something like that. Worse than Eileen. Yeah, look at that. 89% box office.

Yeah, well, you were, I think, getting criticized for something else, too.

That wasn't... Oh, there was 89, yeah.

Yeah. I thought it was terrific.

And what was I going to say about that movie? I forget. But yeah, it's everywhere now. You can go check that out.

Oh, we beat the Leonard Cohen doc that came out the same week. That was a good doc, too. Yeah, yeah. We got more money on that, but no, I'm not making any money on it, but I made money because I made union money, but Louie hasn't recuperated his money, but I think he will eventually at some point.

Yeah, but it was awesome. And then while we're plugging, can I just do one big show coming up? I feel like you guys have a lot of New Yorkers. November 9th. Town Hall, New York City. It's a big deal. I'm doing all these other clubs. You can find all my dates at Punch-Up. But Town Hall, November 9th. Very excited about that. Buy tickets, guys. That's going to be big.

I hope so. So we got a nice chunk, but I got to fill it up. November 9th, Town Hall, during the New York Comedy Festival. And yeah, those are my main.

Yeah, I'm shooting in October. We just had that coming.

You keep pumping it out. Well, I'm trying.

But yeah, so do that. Where are you going to shoot? I think Zany's, Chicago, Rosemont. Are you definitely doing it or not sure? I'm pretty sure. Yeah, pretty sure. I'm actually going to shoot downtown and Rosemont. And then either maybe cut it together, but at least have one and then have some for bonuses. I love it. I just, I like clubs.

I like, I like doing the clubs and Louie always says, he's like, you should shoot your special in the venues that you're doing. It's like I do the Wilbur and I'm doing town hall and I did a big room in Chicago before, but I'm like, I don't want to be the guy that comes out in a stadium, but I'm like, I like the club.

Watch it. Sarah's a great joke writer. Love her jokes. Definitely watch this special. Yes, good comic. Another one already up. It's darker.

all right it's got i found i feel like the jokes are more fun yeah than i usually get to do oh all right do a bit or should we just do days oh sorry i started prematurely i think i used all my bits on the last show unfortunately i didn't i didn't think about it sorry can i try one because i want to try this tonight i got i got a thing too i just want to try tonight is this anything it's a quick one my girlfriend always cleans my apartment and then complains i don't hire a cleaning lady she's like why don't you hire a cleaning lady i'm like well the same reason i don't get a prostitute you're crushing it

Is that something? All right, I'll try it tonight. I just want to run one quick. Yeah, no, that's hilarious. I'm going to try it tonight.

That's really funny.

Yeah. No, I'll give it a shot. I just want to make sure it's not trash.

No, no, that's good. This kills, but I don't know where to go or what to add with it, but this is a true story. I was walking through the airport, and a guy walked by and just put it like this. He goes, comedian.

i'm like oh thank you i don't know like yeah that's the level i'm at like people don't say like i love you you're hilarious on my name he just put like literally like this comedian did they do that with a lawyer yeah i tried i'm like pilot accountant um but uh yeah that was a funny thing that happened have you tried just that

no i've done it a few times and it gets like a huge laugh but then you're just one of those things where you're like that's it all right that's the end of that maybe yeah i like the line that's the level i'm at is funny right right uh i'm not getting an oh my god right yeah and your knowledge of what i do for a living don't even want a photo yeah right yeah yeah that could be a funny follow-up do you want a photo i'm good yeah yeah i know you guess what he does

yeah maybe that could be oh yeah what do you look like just a guy i mean it was like literally like he was moving fast like he looked like i mean he looked like a hundred percent of the people that know who i am like a 38 year old guy in a hoodie with some stubble maybe it's the nicest thing anyone has said to you that's just walking by you know it's usually like homo fuck you yeah piece of shit tiny dick yeah this guy come here you're like i'll take it

I just remember we had a kid here. Isn't that weird? Oh, right. It's so easy to forget that you're like, we have a baby in the other room. You should have someone watching it.

Yeah, that's fine. He's in the car. We just have him on. There's a moment where you're like, you're ready to come out there, and you're like, he's just bleeding. It's only like 78.

Now we're all showing up at work with cum in our pants. Like now, because that's kind of also funny to downplay a problem. It's not really a problem for me. A guy jerking off to the subway, I'm just like, well, whatever, I'll look the other way. But in that case, I'd be like, oh, my pants are ruined. That's better.

I got it sent to me, and it was out there for like a month, and it's still delicious. Factor. You guys are crushing it. Factor rules. It's the best.

Shit, I shouldn't have worn white pants.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just downstairs at the 42nd Street subway all day waiting for a guy to start jerking off.

Yeah, that's really funny.

But the whole idea, though, of puke making you puke and cum making you cum is funny. Yeah, I like the turn.

I would just yell back, I love you, whatever. Well, that happened a lot because I would buy, so oftentimes I've bought a ticket before and then Sarah decides, oh, I want to tag along some bullshit. So I'll get her a ticket, but first class has already taken up. And then there was one guy, a big Texas guy was like, cause I was already in my seat, obviously.

We love it. Love Factor. Sarah.

Right. I'd rather that than the tip. That's funny. Do you swallow? All right. All right. Just let me give you 15% and move on.

Right. Yeah. I like that. I'm going to ask you a question is very like what it's very no accountability. Yeah. Right. Right.

No, I was like, no, no, no, no. We don't want to do that.

It already went through. Oh. It was literally a bodega where you get your own food and hand it to the guy and then he scans it and then Sarah tipped 20% and it was the Upper East so it was like 40 bucks.

You bought a car. Oh, you already tipped 20% on the car.

Oh, that's not bad. Right.

I can't read. She's like, there's actually no words. I like that I can't read. It's just a dollar sign. It's just numbers. I can't read numbers either.

They might have. I probably ignored it. Yeah, good point. Look at that. It looks like a lot.

The one benefit to being blind.

These people with their iPads and whatnot. The worst one I had was in Key West. It was like a cigar stand on the side of the road. And I walked up. I know exactly what I want and where it is. I go. I grab it. I walk over. I hand it. It scans it. It's the iPad. And it's got a tip option. I'm like, well, what would it do the tip for?

You're just sitting there.

Things are going well.

He's got a Hawaiian shirt on and flip-flops.

Comedian. Yeah, plug some dates. I mean, you've got the town hall gig coming up. Where else are you going to be?

I've got Philly Helium, first weekend in October. Portland Helium, September 13th and 14th, 12th, 13th, 14th. Indianapolis, I haven't been there since the 80s. September 20th, 21st. And then I'll be at Skank Fest, of course. Never miss it. Philly, yeah. Philly actually will sell out, so make sure you get those tickets early. Royal Oak, Michigan, October 18th, 19th, 20. Great clubs. Love that one.

Oh, yeah, I love that place. And then Kansas City actually got moved to January. And San Diego, December, first time working that city in my whole life. What? You're going to love that one. American Comedy Co.

Yeah, town hall is a big one for sure.

Bodegacatwhiskey.com. Seller, it's crushing in New York right now. Sold out. Yeah, when does this come out?

Oh, yeah, Niagara Falls, September 13th. That's a one-nighter casino that'll be fun. I'm hitting Europe, London.

belfast dublin paris added show in amsterdam added show so please uh help me sell those out copenhagen oslo looking fucking rough uh stockholm and then i'm back at uh hilarities in uh november i'm gonna add some more dates some more club dates to get to get cooking again uh punch up dot live slash joe list punch up dot live slash sam morel and punch up dot live slash mark norman mark where you gonna be

YouTube butthole money.

Oh, I was just going to say porch pirate. I clammed up. It sounds like a slur. I was like, oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Like a gay slur.

Yeah, there is a black one that's closer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, geez. All right.

Yeah.

Of course. Yeah, butt pirate doesn't sound that bad. Sounds kind of fun.

Absolutely.

I never heard that one. What? Pillow biter? Yeah. Pillow biter. But pillow biter could also be a woman.

Yeah, I got two pair over here, sweetie.

This is a Pulp Fiction dialogue. I don't be tickling her nothing. Now, Lewis and Bobby did that one year on You Know What, Dude. It was like a free foot rub coupon or something like that. There you go. Somebody got one and had to rub a foot. A man's foot is appalling to me.

It's awful.

I can't.

I just can't. Anytime I see a man's foot in like a sandal, I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah.

No.

Oh, I could catch salmon with these things. Right. That's disgusting.

It's all the way down that we're longer than you. We're taller and less flexible.

We're not flexible. No, we just don't maintain. Dude, I didn't know you had to wash your face until like two weeks ago. No, I didn't wash my face seriously until I was in my 30s. I just started like, I'm not kidding. Tommy Pope mentioned it in Austin.

And Sarah got on half an hour later and I was like, Hey, I love you. And he was like, now I'm out of believe that's your wife going back there. And I was like, yeah, you know, and he's like in Texas, that wouldn't fly, man. You don't let your wife. And I was like, well, she's from Texas and you can blow. Why don't you give her your seat? Aha.

I was like, man, you got like great skin. And he was like, wash my face. And I was like, oh, I've never done that. He goes, you've never washed your face? I was like, no, I've never done it. So what do you do? I just go to bed with the chemicals on my face, I guess. I don't know. No, but like in the shower. In the shower, you get your face wet. No, I don't get it. What? It gets wet.

You get it wet.

I was the same way for years and years. No. Whoa.

I don't.

I didn't even know I had legs.

I don't do lotion.

I don't do anything. I do a little lotion.

Lotion you gotta start because I think you look like an old crinkly asshole. Especially with the whiskey. Yeah.

You'll start looking like an old asshole soon.

Well, I smoke outside and occasionally. I'm not smoking all day, every day. But I mean, look at me. I'm twinkling over here.

You got a glow. I steam. The steam room's big.

Moisturizer. Moisturizer. Moisturizer. There you go. Whatever it is. But you wash your legs because you shave with it every couple months. Every few months. Yeah. Yeah.

Where are you guys at with leg hair in the bedroom? On her or me? On her. Some guys are like, get the fuck out of the bed. Like women have leg hair? Like stubble. Not full leg hair. That I wouldn't do.

The goosebumps is fine.

Not a fan of the armpit hair. Oh! I know they think it's empowering, but to me it's just like, you know.

She got drafted to the Memphis Grizzlies.

Good point. Give her your seat. You're from Texas.

Interesting. Well, if you're the sexiest woman on earth, I'll allow it.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Is that Madonna, though? That doesn't look like Madonna. It's got a slopey nose. That's her. Oh, but there it is. That's her with the hair.

Yeah, that's good. She's insisting on the armpit hair, and they're like, we'll put it in the crease. Don't worry about it.

oh boy she had a body huh tight that's actually a lot of armpit hair more than me she's italian oh gross she probably has that on back but don't you find though i mean you're in a long-term relationship uh like you guys both are right i mean like we've been together for 37 years yep after a while

That is good. Well, people think it's crazy. And then Sarah only just recently got pre-check and I would leave her in the dust there too.

armpit hair i'm not suggesting this but like you can get into anything different that's like we went to paris sarah was chain smoking sick which by the way i was like we're in paris we should smoke cigarettes sarah smoked about 40 in 10 minutes really i'm a smoke i used to be a smoke oh i didn't know that yeah i smoked for years i wish you didn't do all your caring the baby but i know well small birth weight um he's tiny

me but yeah i was like wouldn't that be fun cigarette if i get to have one i'm like when in rome cafe society and sarah's like that might be fun she's got like three at a time she was doing coke whenever i'm in a casino i whenever i'm in a casino i'll start smoking stogies oh yeah really it's cool i get the respirator whenever my casino by the way

I don't know if this is common knowledge out there. I just went to a movie yesterday with Ari. He's smoking. They got a hold on him. He's smoking cigarettes like a regular guy. He's 48 years old. He's just smoking.

Oh, that's very reasonable.

Yeah. Gotta get it.

Yeah. That was ugly. Not even the most offensive thing at that bachelor party. That's true. There he is. Ari's handsome when he goes high and tight, which he has right now.

It works. When he goes normal.

Well, men get more attractive. It's one of the cruel things about life. Men get more attractive and women go to shit. Yeah. I mean, not yet. Yeah. It happens. Any minute. And I'm out.