John Oliver

These poor bastards just didn't realize they were living in a socialist nightmare, forced to scrounge for a living, unable even to afford shirts, many driven to suicide. But for those who do survive, what will their world look like?

Exactly. With only four decades of testing, America simply cannot afford to join this dangerous experiment. What would happen, do you think, if this health care system made it to the mainland? That question I couldn't answer. I'll tell you what the answer is. What is the answer? Every single person in the United States would be dead. Thank goodness we have experts like these to save us.

Exactly. With only four decades of testing, America simply cannot afford to join this dangerous experiment. What would happen, do you think, if this health care system made it to the mainland? That question I couldn't answer. I'll tell you what the answer is. What is the answer? Every single person in the United States would be dead. Thank goodness we have experts like these to save us.

I am a law, a 2,000-page law. Congress passed me without one single flaw. I make sure Wall Street plays by the new regulations, protecting your investments across the entire nation.

I am a law, a 2,000-page law. Congress passed me without one single flaw. I make sure Wall Street plays by the new regulations, protecting your investments across the entire nation.

I don't want to say it, but you look like s***. easy washington's a tough town john since getting past yeah i've taken a few shots but i'm still standing yeah yes yes i'm still standing i'm still here in fact just last week my all-new consumer financial protection board opened for business as soon as it gets a director we'll be off to the races so wait there's there's no director

I don't want to say it, but you look like s***. easy washington's a tough town john since getting past yeah i've taken a few shots but i'm still standing yeah yes yes i'm still standing i'm still here in fact just last week my all-new consumer financial protection board opened for business as soon as it gets a director we'll be off to the races so wait there's there's no director

Confirmation in the Senate, there's no motion. Obama could have used a recess appointment to give her the job without her vote, but he didn't do it because his feelings weren't that strong. Wow. But you know what? That's interesting. You know what, John? It doesn't matter. I've still got 400 tough new rules to remake our broken and corrupt financial system.

Confirmation in the Senate, there's no motion. Obama could have used a recess appointment to give her the job without her vote, but he didn't do it because his feelings weren't that strong. Wow. But you know what? That's interesting. You know what, John? It doesn't matter. I've still got 400 tough new rules to remake our broken and corrupt financial system.

They're working great. The ones that are written are working great.

They're working great. The ones that are written are working great.

It's a magic number. Yes, it is. Oh, it's a magic number. It might not be 400 or 150 or 77, but it's 38. And that's a magic number. Let's do this. Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. LA Clippers forward Dale Wilkinson. Projectors tailback Reggie Rivers. They walk 38. And it's a magic number. Oh, it's a magic number.

It's a magic number. Yes, it is. Oh, it's a magic number. It might not be 400 or 150 or 77, but it's 38. And that's a magic number. Let's do this. Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. LA Clippers forward Dale Wilkinson. Projectors tailback Reggie Rivers. They walk 38. And it's a magic number. Oh, it's a magic number.

You'll just have to take my word for it. He definitely exists.

You'll just have to take my word for it. He definitely exists.

Lobby, Lobby, that's your stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Hold it. I can't do this. Blaming lobbyists is a cop-out, John. Here's what's going down. This whole financial reform thing is a sham. The only way that Congress would pass me was if the details of my rules and regulations were left unspecified, giving K Street lobbyists all the time they would need to water me down post passage.

Lobby, Lobby, that's your stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Hold it. I can't do this. Blaming lobbyists is a cop-out, John. Here's what's going down. This whole financial reform thing is a sham. The only way that Congress would pass me was if the details of my rules and regulations were left unspecified, giving K Street lobbyists all the time they would need to water me down post passage.

And you know what? Exactly. Boo, exactly. Thank you, boys and girls. Thank you. And do you know what? If any actual tough rule managed to squeak through, Congress people cut the budget of the agency responsible for enforcing it. The whole thing is a giant punt. I'm no law. I'm no law, John. I'm just an undefined, impotent, 2,300-page piece of legislative ****. You see this?

And you know what? Exactly. Boo, exactly. Thank you, boys and girls. Thank you. And do you know what? If any actual tough rule managed to squeak through, Congress people cut the budget of the agency responsible for enforcing it. The whole thing is a giant punt. I'm no law. I'm no law, John. I'm just an undefined, impotent, 2,300-page piece of legislative ****. You see this?

You see this here, John? LAUGHTER I stole this off the Voting Rights Act of 1965!