John Oliver

Right. And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger. He's the only one who can pilot this nation to the soft water landing we so desperately need. And so, witness our new currency, the Sully Buck. The Sully Buck. Globally, it's already more respected than the Euro. Plus, there's a built-in rewards program. For every 100 Sully bucks you spend, the Canadian goose is strangled.

Right. And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger. He's the only one who can pilot this nation to the soft water landing we so desperately need. And so, witness our new currency, the Sully Buck. The Sully Buck. Globally, it's already more respected than the Euro. Plus, there's a built-in rewards program. For every 100 Sully bucks you spend, the Canadian goose is strangled.

And that's direct stimulus to the goose-packing industry. It's an excellent plan, but can't we... John, every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's just like with Treasury Secretary Geithner. He spoke the other day, and Wall Street panicked. Yes, why did that happen? Well, let's take a look at the tape. We'll announce the details of this plan in the next few weeks. Sell! Sell!

And that's direct stimulus to the goose-packing industry. It's an excellent plan, but can't we... John, every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's just like with Treasury Secretary Geithner. He spoke the other day, and Wall Street panicked. Yes, why did that happen? Well, let's take a look at the tape. We'll announce the details of this plan in the next few weeks. Sell! Sell!

Sell everything! Sell all my stocks! John! John! John! Oh, I'm sorry. I just got caught up in his wooden, nervous lack of reassurance-ness. See, it's all a matter of psychology, John. If someone can't convince us that the economy's okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in a sense, a shared illusion. Which brings me to step two. Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, Mr. Criss Angel.

Sell everything! Sell all my stocks! John! John! John! Oh, I'm sorry. I just got caught up in his wooden, nervous lack of reassurance-ness. See, it's all a matter of psychology, John. If someone can't convince us that the economy's okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in a sense, a shared illusion. Which brings me to step two. Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, Mr. Criss Angel.

Specifically, Secretary-designate Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear, and then pull it out of the belly button of a Hooters waitress. All right. That's very nice. All right, so that is part two, and that's... John, John, the economy's running out of time. I'll tell you what. Let's move on to the lightning round. All right.

Specifically, Secretary-designate Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear, and then pull it out of the belly button of a Hooters waitress. All right. That's very nice. All right, so that is part two, and that's... John, John, the economy's running out of time. I'll tell you what. Let's move on to the lightning round. All right.

First, to make it more appealing, sales tax will now be known as pudding. As in, hey, great, 8.25% pudding. Next, there'll be mirrors at every cash register.

First, to make it more appealing, sales tax will now be known as pudding. As in, hey, great, 8.25% pudding. Next, there'll be mirrors at every cash register.

Yes, and also for cutting up cocaine. Also available at every cash register. Cocaine. You want cocaine. Yes, John, I've discovered that the substance cocaine makes people feel very confident.

Yes, and also for cutting up cocaine. Also available at every cash register. Cocaine. You want cocaine. Yes, John, I've discovered that the substance cocaine makes people feel very confident.

I don't think you can... No, John, I don't think you understand. Oh. Oh, no. What is that? What's happening? That's it. That's a five-minute warning till economic collapse. It's time to break out the big stimulus guns. Emergency Christmas. What? What? Emergency Christmas tomorrow. There are only 14 shopping hours left. Chop, chop. Let's go.

I don't think you can... No, John, I don't think you understand. Oh. Oh, no. What is that? What's happening? That's it. That's a five-minute warning till economic collapse. It's time to break out the big stimulus guns. Emergency Christmas. What? What? Emergency Christmas tomorrow. There are only 14 shopping hours left. Chop, chop. Let's go.

Look, it's a little bit of a late notice for an emergency. John, are you saying that you didn't get me anything for emergency Christmas? Oh, this is the worst emergency Christmas ever.

Look, it's a little bit of a late notice for an emergency. John, are you saying that you didn't get me anything for emergency Christmas? Oh, this is the worst emergency Christmas ever.

You're absolutely welcome. John, America is sick. It's going to take some major surgery to heal this nation. There are going to be some hard, bitter pills to swallow and also a lot of terrible medical metaphors. But don't worry. Dr. Hodgman is in. First problem, access. Almost 50 million people in this country are uninsured. But I've happened to notice that none of those people are in Congress.

You're absolutely welcome. John, America is sick. It's going to take some major surgery to heal this nation. There are going to be some hard, bitter pills to swallow and also a lot of terrible medical metaphors. But don't worry. Dr. Hodgman is in. First problem, access. Almost 50 million people in this country are uninsured. But I've happened to notice that none of those people are in Congress.

White hair man is right. So I'm going to write my first prescription. Make every American a member of Congress. I don't know, John, actually, that that's practical. Oh, really? In some respects. What if I wrote a little prescription for Vicodin for you as well, John? Would that make it go down a little easier? You're not a doctor. You're not actually a doctor. Not offline, I suppose, but fine.

White hair man is right. So I'm going to write my first prescription. Make every American a member of Congress. I don't know, John, actually, that that's practical. Oh, really? In some respects. What if I wrote a little prescription for Vicodin for you as well, John? Would that make it go down a little easier? You're not a doctor. You're not actually a doctor. Not offline, I suppose, but fine.