John Oliver

There's certainly more than one way to skin this patient. What? Prescription two, a healthy dose of prevention. Now, yes, exercise, diet, that sort of thing? No, no, John. Illness is not transmitted through diet and exercise. I'm talking about preventing contact, moving the sick people to a designated area far away from the rest of us. You're talking about a leper colony, like a leper.

There's certainly more than one way to skin this patient. What? Prescription two, a healthy dose of prevention. Now, yes, exercise, diet, that sort of thing? No, no, John. Illness is not transmitted through diet and exercise. I'm talking about preventing contact, moving the sick people to a designated area far away from the rest of us. You're talking about a leper colony, like a leper.

No, no, no, no, no. A leper colony is a degrading medieval concept. This is more like a leper resort. I call it Camp Sniffles. It's not only completely isolated and patrolled by dogs, it's also a lot of fun.

No, no, no, no, no. A leper colony is a degrading medieval concept. This is more like a leper resort. I call it Camp Sniffles. It's not only completely isolated and patrolled by dogs, it's also a lot of fun.

Yes, John, but there is a solution, and it lies inside each and every one of us.

Yes, John, but there is a solution, and it lies inside each and every one of us.

Wow. And we all have two of them, like big fat money bags nestled back here behind the screen. And what are people doing with them? Using them to filter their urine. I say turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower of money.

Wow. And we all have two of them, like big fat money bags nestled back here behind the screen. And what are people doing with them? Using them to filter their urine. I say turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower of money.

Whoa, John, what do you have against the American farmer? Are you some kind of East Coast elitist? What do you drink, Bud Light? Think about it, John. Under this system, the least privileged among us can charge the most for their most precious harvest. What? How? How? In what way? Well, you pay more for organic eggs, don't you? Well, congratulations, homeless people.

Whoa, John, what do you have against the American farmer? Are you some kind of East Coast elitist? What do you drink, Bud Light? Think about it, John. Under this system, the least privileged among us can charge the most for their most precious harvest. What? How? How? In what way? Well, you pay more for organic eggs, don't you? Well, congratulations, homeless people.

Under my new labeling laws, you may now call yourselves free range. Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting torso. Why, he can cash in his kidney for a new flat screen TV. Maybe a lung for a Prius. Or his other kidney for a dialysis machine. Or better yet, mortgage his whole lower body for a condominium.

Under my new labeling laws, you may now call yourselves free range. Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting torso. Why, he can cash in his kidney for a new flat screen TV. Maybe a lung for a Prius. Or his other kidney for a dialysis machine. Or better yet, mortgage his whole lower body for a condominium.

There, I just solved the healthcare crisis, the real estate crisis, and I fixed the economy. You're welcome.

There, I just solved the healthcare crisis, the real estate crisis, and I fixed the economy. You're welcome.

Really? Monstrous, John? Yes. I think it's quite beautiful. I'm sure you do. I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they drive or how much money they have in the bank. That's what's in here. And also, what's in there, John? Right here and down in this area. Oh, no. Oh, John, do you want to make some money?

Really? Monstrous, John? Yes. I think it's quite beautiful. I'm sure you do. I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they drive or how much money they have in the bank. That's what's in here. And also, what's in there, John? Right here and down in this area. Oh, no. Oh, John, do you want to make some money?

Because I could put you in touch with a guy. No, I don't. You're practically foie gras down there. That's the prime step.

Because I could put you in touch with a guy. No, I don't. You're practically foie gras down there. That's the prime step.

My first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to find a way of stopping these kinds of offenses before they happen. For example, look at priestly garments. Loose, flowing, open robes. These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now, adding a simple button fly...

My first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to find a way of stopping these kinds of offenses before they happen. For example, look at priestly garments. Loose, flowing, open robes. These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now, adding a simple button fly...