John Oliver

May seem like a small thing, but it would give everyone just a little bit more time to calm down and or run.

May seem like a small thing, but it would give everyone just a little bit more time to calm down and or run.

Is that... Does that... No, no, John. Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention. Altar chimps.

Is that... Does that... No, no, John. Prepare yourself for the two most important words in church scandal prevention. Altar chimps.

I see you're grasping the concept. You see, chimps and humans share 96% of the DNA. But crucially, not the 4% that is sexually attractive to priests. I see. Interesting.

I see you're grasping the concept. You see, chimps and humans share 96% of the DNA. But crucially, not the 4% that is sexually attractive to priests. I see. Interesting.

I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate. And in the unlikely attempt of an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off.

I've seen chimps. They're perfectly capable of snuffing out candles, collecting hymn books, passing the collection plate. And in the unlikely attempt of an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw feces at priests or chew their faces off.

Yes, I hate to admit it, but you're right. What is required here, sweeping changes in the way the church operates. That's why my second solution comes in, kill the mood. See, the Catholic Church is a far too sexy place.

Yes, I hate to admit it, but you're right. What is required here, sweeping changes in the way the church operates. That's why my second solution comes in, kill the mood. See, the Catholic Church is a far too sexy place.

Oh, really? Well, yeah. But sexy? Yes, they're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candlelight, wine, incense. The whole seductive dance creates a climate where all Catholics can do is think about sex and then hate themselves. So... I understand. Let's de-sexify. Instead of communion wine, make everyone drink a gallon of whole milk.

Oh, really? Well, yeah. But sexy? Yes, they're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candlelight, wine, incense. The whole seductive dance creates a climate where all Catholics can do is think about sex and then hate themselves. So... I understand. Let's de-sexify. Instead of communion wine, make everyone drink a gallon of whole milk.

Instead of swinging around a censer full of the heady aroma of incense, hit them in the face with Febreze. Oh, God!

Instead of swinging around a censer full of the heady aroma of incense, hit them in the face with Febreze. Oh, God!

And you notice how it has completely diffused the sexual tension between us.

And you notice how it has completely diffused the sexual tension between us.

It was there. All right. Finally, the music. John, listen to this. Oh, boy. Put a sock over the church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me get my Febreze. No, please don't do that again. You sure? Yes. Fine. If you must have music, we have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John, but perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions. I get it.

It was there. All right. Finally, the music. John, listen to this. Oh, boy. Put a sock over the church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me get my Febreze. No, please don't do that again. You sure? Yes. Fine. If you must have music, we have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John, but perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions. I get it.

Don't get me wrong, John. Klezmer is great for scaring off Cossacks, but it is not. It is not smooch music, I think you'd agree. It is sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, John. Klezmer is great for scaring off Cossacks, but it is not. It is not smooch music, I think you'd agree. It is sometimes.