Jon Deas
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
That's crazy. Who's dressing him up like this?
He is, he is.
Holy shit.
You're right. Come on.
He got you bad on that. He got me...
I can't believe that happened.
Wait, what did Tony say again? The eggs in first off? Fuck. Yeah.
I love Asian men. I do, all my ex-boyfriends have been Asian, so technically I'm still a virgin. I learned that racism is passed down generationally, so it's internalized, which makes sense. I was walking home, it was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me. And instinctively, I grab my purse, even though logically, I know he's not for sale. He did steal my wallet though.
Yeah, when I was at Vulcan. Yeah. I got on a few times.
I'm not that nervous. I mean, right now I am, but I feel like I've gotten cooler.
No, I'm starting to headline, so I'm working on my headlining sets. I had a New Year's show. I'm headlining Black Rabbit on the 19th. Nice. And then Vegas on the 21st, so I'm excited.
It's Creamery, but it sounds weird when I say it. I didn't mean for it to sound like that. All right.
Yeah, and I didn't realize it sounded so gross.
I signed up for the half marathon in January, so I'm going to. You too?
I've been running for my anxiety, and it's been helping. And so I just, you know, I want to get to a marathon eventually, but I'm going to start with half.
I mean, running helps a lot, and doing stand-up helps, too, because I'm doing something scary. But, you know, and... I'm in therapy, too.
No, no, I am seeing a therapist. I'm kidding about getting drugs from a different doctor.
No, I mean, like, it just depends on the situation. When you do something, like, more nerve-wracking, are you the same all the time? No. Yeah.
It's nice to be in Texas where both abortion and jerking off is illegal. Yeah, man. Damn, it's crazy to be here in Austin, Texas, man. Hey, you know what's really crazy is that when you go to Austin, Texas, porn is banned, right? Pornhub is illegal in Austin, Texas. I don't know if you guys know this. So I have to get ID and have my dick in my hand just to see pornography.
I'm like Edward Snowden when I jerk off. I delete most of my internet history, all right? It's like Texas, Pornhub, I have my dick in my hand and my ID, what was this, fucking on Epstein's Island? I got a show ID, I got my dick in my hand, what am I, in a fucking, what am I, a children's playpen? I got my dick in my hand, I got a show ID, what is this, Pete Diddy's Mansion before the cop trade?
God, Texas. I'm not a criminal for jerking off. Goddamn, that's a... What the fuck?
I have been a sea monkey for a while. I haven't grown any taller. I've been doing comedy on and off for about five years.
Did he come with the scroll of felonies when he came up here too?
Well, it's great to be here, guys, bombing in front of you. Wow, okay. No, really, I'm happy to be here either way.
I've basically been doing comedy since I was about 20 years old, and I was doing it. I live right near the Jersey Shore, so Rutgers has the Stress Factory, Vinnie Brand. So I was doing comedy there.
I guess, yeah. They do? No, they don't like me. No, they like me fine, man. I was just doing it. I always loved comedy. I wanted to do it. I actually had a month off of not coming to do comedy to come here. And so, you know, I'm happy to just do it again for you guys. And even if I didn't do well, I fucking love it, man.
I got hit by a Jewish person and... Whoa!
They're not good at driving. They hit me and then I got money.
They hit me from the back. Yeah, with a car. With a car.
I was just putting my height. I'm the same height.
I'm just going bald. This is a comb-over. There ain't no Nazi things.
By the way, Tony, thank you so much for your roast. That was what you did with Trump's rally. That was awesome. Okay.
You guys don't like what he did?
I gotta tap dance or sing a song like all these other fucking people. Jesus Christ. No, I honestly, one redeeming, I don't know if I have a redeeming quality, but I used to, you know, I used to be a musician. I used to play music. What kind of music did you play? I played basically metal music.
I played guitar and then I also do vocals. I'm a pretty good vocalist.
You want me to do a song? Is that what we're doing right now, right?
I drove 18 straight hours to get here tonight. I partied hard last night, went at it till wee hours of the morning. I still got the taste of regret in my mouth. That being said, do you know what an 80-year-old woman's pussy tastes like? Depends. Depends.
My brother and I, we both come from the same small town, so he doesn't understand why I got upset when he bought my eight-year-old son a shotgun for his birthday without my permission. He explained the gift is from him, and my son can use the shotgun at my discretion. So two months later, it's my nephew's birthday, his 16th. I bought him a present. He opened it in front of the whole family.
It was a classic 1992 dirty magazine with three black guys fucking a white girl in the back of the El Camino, stuffed in every hole. I looked at him and said, the gift is from me. He can use it at your discretion. Name of that magazine, Boys Under Her Hood. Thank you, Austin. This is what it's all about. This rocks. Thank you guys so much.
The first time was 14 years ago, and I've done it just a time or two. That's it. Okay.
I saw Ron White give a very motivational speech. He said, if you think you're funny, if your friends think you're funny, then this is the opportunity that you guys have given. You guys have given. So I drove 18 hours from Indiana to be here tonight.
I saw you a couple weeks ago with Ron White and friends, and it rocked.
It went pretty well, actually. My wife surprised me with a birthday gift. Had a lot of friends there. Wait, what?
I was coming back from Indiana, visiting my best friend. Uh, he was sick at the time. He's doing well now. And my wife said, are you ready to take some things off that bucket list? And I said, yeah. And when I got home two and a half hours later, I had about 25 friends at the house. They went down to Bloomington, uh, to the, uh, I think it was the addict, uh, the addict factor. Sure.
Doesn't matter. Sure. Doesn't matter. Continue. Done a couple of times since then.
You're going to love this. It's a family restaurant called Triple X, and it's in West Lafayette on Purdue campus. It was on?
I used to teach middle school and then bartend in an Irish pub. That's what I've done a majority of my life.
Okay. One, I made three times as much money bartending as I did as a teacher. And secondly, unfortunately, I used to own a restaurant. Stopped doing that at COVID. You owned a restaurant?
On a sad note, though, or a great note, because I got in here tonight. The restaurant is closed. We were done during COVID. What? We were done during COVID, boss man. I'm sorry. But that's got me here. You closed during COVID. Closed during COVID, yes, sir.
No, West Lafayette. West Lafayette. Lafayette. Lafayette.
There was two different locations. There was a Bobby T's campus and Bobby T's downtown, and we were opened up for about four years. You had two locations? I was trying to run two locations. I did not have two locations. Wow. It's a long story. You don't want to hear it all.
We hand breaded all our food. But we weren't known for our pickles. We weren't known for our pickles.
I do not have Jennifer's number, but it's ironic that she's the one that said it. Because I think she asked herself, Like, you've probably seen that. Am I retarded?
So what bothered me is how expensive mozzarella sticks are. They take advantage of you. So we took. Oh, we know. You're trying to.
So we take big cuts of mozzarella, and we hand-bread it ourselves three different times, and then we wrap it in bacon, and then we sell it out that way, so you get a good bang for your buck. I'm really proud.
Not enough, because we had to close, but... That's right. Roughly 66%.
It was spicy. It's right to the point.
So behind our bar, we had nothing but like infused vodka with candies and fruits and things like that. Our Skittles shots were number one seller. But it was pure vodka with Skittles. I mean, all our alcohol was just infused, pure alcohol.
It was Indiana, not Kentucky, but yes, possible.
You know what? I've lived a very full life at that point, man. I was already pretty beat up and tired from it. I mean, we built a stage, and we were doing comedy nights and burlesque shows. Oh, that's a way to keep the people fucking happy.
I do get pretty fucked up when I come into Austin. But this is the first time in my entire life that I don't work with any alcohol anymore at all. This restaurant I work at is during the day. I'm home every day by 5 p.m. Don't deal with any alcohol. So what do you do when you get home at 5 p.m. ? Uh, well, Wednesday's my next day at work. I got to leave here, drive straight to Indiana.
I work Wednesday, and then I got band practice at 5 p.m. What type of band are you in?
I used to, when I was a kid, I would pray to keep the hairline, bro. What is going on up there, dude? What the fuck do you think you're doing with that, dude? I don't know, man. I'm trying to work with what I got left, I guess. Dude, it ain't working, bro. Holy shit, bro.
I'll fucking shave it tonight. Let's do it. I'll do it, bro. Let's fucking do it!
I don't even know. I don't know who to go on Space Mountain with.
Well, hello, Austin, I am Blazin' Nana. I really enjoy fuckin' smokin' weed. Alcohol, alcohol makes me hella mean and super-dee-duper horny. I wanna argue and fuck you, come on. And at my age, for what? Hickies, headaches, hangovers, hemorrhoids. Multiple fat lips, mostly north, sometimes south. Speaking of fat lips, ladies, y'all need to stop wasting your best pussy years on bad sex.
I'm all woman, darling. All woman. All woman, huh?
I think I am. Well, I can tell you that I used to weigh 444 pounds and now I weigh 199 pounds.
Yeah. No surgery, no shots, no pills. I got a dog and she runs me all over the place. I never had a dog before.
I actually took it away from a homeless guy in Berkeley, California. Really? Yeah, I did. I just moved here from East Oakland about a month ago. Nice. Yeah.
He was feeding it french fries through a cage. And I said, what are you doing to that little tiny dog? Thank you, Redman. Oh, no, that's you. Sorry. A little tiny dog feeding it french fries. And I said, what are you doing to that dog? And he said, well, my friend asked me to keep it for a while. And he'd be back. He's been gone three days. So we bought the dog.
I paid $125. It was my birthday. It was my birthday present to myself.
Yeah, what exactly do you mean by collected for your birthday? Who's giving you this money? I'm originally from Cleveland, Ohio. And when it's your birthday in Cleveland, we put a pin on you like this. People tape or stick dollars and $5. They pin it. I'm from the hood in Cleveland. Yeah. We give birthday money. And I was walking around Hayward, California, higher than two people should be.
And I was like, they say, what's that for? And I'd explain it. So by the end of the night, I had $125. Me and my friend took the bark to Berkeley.
I am a half-baked hillbilly, yeah. My mom's family's from West, by God, Virginia. And my daddy's a Tennessee stump jumper from Tennessee.
No, I don't. I live in a 55-plus community for old folks. Oh, nice.
Okay. They're quiet neighbors, quiet neighbors.
That's just a little hillbilly that screws anything that wiggles. It's a nice word for a whore. My daddy had so many children. I have sisters and brothers that I don't even know their last names. I found them on Facebook, a couple of them.
No, that's a Tennessee Walker, love. That's a Tennessee Walker. Right. Blazing nana. Don't you want to see what's in my little... I wore this just for you, Tony.
Let's do it. Let's see what's in that fanny pack. Breath mints, because fresh breath needs to be a priority in your life. Okay. This is magic mushrooms. You didn't see those.
I got her vape pen. I got one better for you than a C-section scar. I don't even have a belly button. These are my keys.
Because it's a thing we do. These are tweezers.
You're never plucking chin hairs because you never know.
I have a rock for Cam that's really cool. I liked how it felt. I got it for him just in case.
Oh, gas sex. You're welcome. All the gas sex that's in there.
No, but just think. I had pizza. Oh, this is a joint holder.
With my... Ohio State University Buckeye ID. I can still get French fries.
Wait, wait, wait. I got one that will win them over. My NRA card.
Oh, my gosh. The craziest. I have so many things. In 1983, I married my stepdad's cousin.
We're second cousins by marriage. My kids are my third cousins by marriage. I got grand cousins.
Oh, our family. Our family tree doesn't fork, it's a ladder, a step ladder.
Well, I'm retired right now. I hate to sound like a sob story, but I have a traumatic brain injury. Believe it or not, I'm a little retarded.
Um, I had a man tell me that he loved me and decided to beat me up and knock my teeth out and break my jaw and crush my cheek and... Oh, no. ...get me some beautiful scars all over my face. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. Red band.
Yeah, he tripped me, bastard, and he broke my jaw and everything, so I couldn't get the... He had the hit on me first. I am from Cleveland, West Side. I know how to fight.
Just saying. But he got the jump on me, yeah.
Yeah. People go, why don't you say 450? Because I fucking didn't get to 450. I got to 444. Right.
But I really do not have a belly button. I had nine pounds of skin removed from my abdomen, and they couldn't save my belly button, so I really don't have a belly button. Why? Why?
It's not even tan. I'm so white in there.