Jon Deas
Appearances
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That's crazy. Who's dressing him up like this?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I love Asian men. I do, all my ex-boyfriends have been Asian, so technically I'm still a virgin. I learned that racism is passed down generationally, so it's internalized, which makes sense. I was walking home, it was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me. And instinctively, I grab my purse, even though logically, I know he's not for sale. He did steal my wallet though.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'm not that nervous. I mean, right now I am, but I feel like I've gotten cooler.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, I'm starting to headline, so I'm working on my headlining sets. I had a New Year's show. I'm headlining Black Rabbit on the 19th. Nice. And then Vegas on the 21st, so I'm excited.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It's Creamery, but it sounds weird when I say it. I didn't mean for it to sound like that. All right.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I signed up for the half marathon in January, so I'm going to. You too?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I've been running for my anxiety, and it's been helping. And so I just, you know, I want to get to a marathon eventually, but I'm going to start with half.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I mean, running helps a lot, and doing stand-up helps, too, because I'm doing something scary. But, you know, and... I'm in therapy, too.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, no, I am seeing a therapist. I'm kidding about getting drugs from a different doctor.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, I mean, like, it just depends on the situation. When you do something, like, more nerve-wracking, are you the same all the time? No. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I drove 18 straight hours to get here tonight. I partied hard last night, went at it till wee hours of the morning. I still got the taste of regret in my mouth. That being said, do you know what an 80-year-old woman's pussy tastes like? Depends. Depends.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
My brother and I, we both come from the same small town, so he doesn't understand why I got upset when he bought my eight-year-old son a shotgun for his birthday without my permission. He explained the gift is from him, and my son can use the shotgun at my discretion. So two months later, it's my nephew's birthday, his 16th. I bought him a present. He opened it in front of the whole family.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
It was a classic 1992 dirty magazine with three black guys fucking a white girl in the back of the El Camino, stuffed in every hole. I looked at him and said, the gift is from me. He can use it at your discretion. Name of that magazine, Boys Under Her Hood. Thank you, Austin. This is what it's all about. This rocks. Thank you guys so much.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
The first time was 14 years ago, and I've done it just a time or two. That's it. Okay.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I saw Ron White give a very motivational speech. He said, if you think you're funny, if your friends think you're funny, then this is the opportunity that you guys have given. You guys have given. So I drove 18 hours from Indiana to be here tonight.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I saw you a couple weeks ago with Ron White and friends, and it rocked.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
It went pretty well, actually. My wife surprised me with a birthday gift. Had a lot of friends there. Wait, what?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I was coming back from Indiana, visiting my best friend. Uh, he was sick at the time. He's doing well now. And my wife said, are you ready to take some things off that bucket list? And I said, yeah. And when I got home two and a half hours later, I had about 25 friends at the house. They went down to Bloomington, uh, to the, uh, I think it was the addict, uh, the addict factor. Sure.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Doesn't matter. Sure. Doesn't matter. Continue. Done a couple of times since then.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You're going to love this. It's a family restaurant called Triple X, and it's in West Lafayette on Purdue campus. It was on?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I used to teach middle school and then bartend in an Irish pub. That's what I've done a majority of my life.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Okay. One, I made three times as much money bartending as I did as a teacher. And secondly, unfortunately, I used to own a restaurant. Stopped doing that at COVID. You owned a restaurant?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
On a sad note, though, or a great note, because I got in here tonight. The restaurant is closed. We were done during COVID. What? We were done during COVID, boss man. I'm sorry. But that's got me here. You closed during COVID. Closed during COVID, yes, sir.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
No, West Lafayette. West Lafayette. Lafayette. Lafayette.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
There was two different locations. There was a Bobby T's campus and Bobby T's downtown, and we were opened up for about four years. You had two locations? I was trying to run two locations. I did not have two locations. Wow. It's a long story. You don't want to hear it all.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We hand breaded all our food. But we weren't known for our pickles. We weren't known for our pickles.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I do not have Jennifer's number, but it's ironic that she's the one that said it. Because I think she asked herself, Like, you've probably seen that. Am I retarded?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So what bothered me is how expensive mozzarella sticks are. They take advantage of you. So we took. Oh, we know. You're trying to.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So we take big cuts of mozzarella, and we hand-bread it ourselves three different times, and then we wrap it in bacon, and then we sell it out that way, so you get a good bang for your buck. I'm really proud.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Not enough, because we had to close, but... That's right. Roughly 66%.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
So behind our bar, we had nothing but like infused vodka with candies and fruits and things like that. Our Skittles shots were number one seller. But it was pure vodka with Skittles. I mean, all our alcohol was just infused, pure alcohol.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You know what? I've lived a very full life at that point, man. I was already pretty beat up and tired from it. I mean, we built a stage, and we were doing comedy nights and burlesque shows. Oh, that's a way to keep the people fucking happy.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I do get pretty fucked up when I come into Austin. But this is the first time in my entire life that I don't work with any alcohol anymore at all. This restaurant I work at is during the day. I'm home every day by 5 p.m. Don't deal with any alcohol. So what do you do when you get home at 5 p.m. ? Uh, well, Wednesday's my next day at work. I got to leave here, drive straight to Indiana.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I work Wednesday, and then I got band practice at 5 p.m. What type of band are you in?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I used to, when I was a kid, I would pray to keep the hairline, bro. What is going on up there, dude? What the fuck do you think you're doing with that, dude? I don't know, man. I'm trying to work with what I got left, I guess. Dude, it ain't working, bro. Holy shit, bro.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I'll fucking shave it tonight. Let's do it. I'll do it, bro. Let's fucking do it!
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't even know. I don't know who to go on Space Mountain with.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Well, hello, Austin, I am Blazin' Nana. I really enjoy fuckin' smokin' weed. Alcohol, alcohol makes me hella mean and super-dee-duper horny. I wanna argue and fuck you, come on. And at my age, for what? Hickies, headaches, hangovers, hemorrhoids. Multiple fat lips, mostly north, sometimes south. Speaking of fat lips, ladies, y'all need to stop wasting your best pussy years on bad sex.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I think I am. Well, I can tell you that I used to weigh 444 pounds and now I weigh 199 pounds.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Yeah. No surgery, no shots, no pills. I got a dog and she runs me all over the place. I never had a dog before.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I actually took it away from a homeless guy in Berkeley, California. Really? Yeah, I did. I just moved here from East Oakland about a month ago. Nice. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
He was feeding it french fries through a cage. And I said, what are you doing to that little tiny dog? Thank you, Redman. Oh, no, that's you. Sorry. A little tiny dog feeding it french fries. And I said, what are you doing to that dog? And he said, well, my friend asked me to keep it for a while. And he'd be back. He's been gone three days. So we bought the dog.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I paid $125. It was my birthday. It was my birthday present to myself.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Yeah, what exactly do you mean by collected for your birthday? Who's giving you this money? I'm originally from Cleveland, Ohio. And when it's your birthday in Cleveland, we put a pin on you like this. People tape or stick dollars and $5. They pin it. I'm from the hood in Cleveland. Yeah. We give birthday money. And I was walking around Hayward, California, higher than two people should be.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
And I was like, they say, what's that for? And I'd explain it. So by the end of the night, I had $125. Me and my friend took the bark to Berkeley.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I am a half-baked hillbilly, yeah. My mom's family's from West, by God, Virginia. And my daddy's a Tennessee stump jumper from Tennessee.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
That's just a little hillbilly that screws anything that wiggles. It's a nice word for a whore. My daddy had so many children. I have sisters and brothers that I don't even know their last names. I found them on Facebook, a couple of them.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
No, that's a Tennessee Walker, love. That's a Tennessee Walker. Right. Blazing nana. Don't you want to see what's in my little... I wore this just for you, Tony.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Let's do it. Let's see what's in that fanny pack. Breath mints, because fresh breath needs to be a priority in your life. Okay. This is magic mushrooms. You didn't see those.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I got her vape pen. I got one better for you than a C-section scar. I don't even have a belly button. These are my keys.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I have a rock for Cam that's really cool. I liked how it felt. I got it for him just in case.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
With my... Ohio State University Buckeye ID. I can still get French fries.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Oh, my gosh. The craziest. I have so many things. In 1983, I married my stepdad's cousin.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
We're second cousins by marriage. My kids are my third cousins by marriage. I got grand cousins.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Oh, our family. Our family tree doesn't fork, it's a ladder, a step ladder.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Well, I'm retired right now. I hate to sound like a sob story, but I have a traumatic brain injury. Believe it or not, I'm a little retarded.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Um, I had a man tell me that he loved me and decided to beat me up and knock my teeth out and break my jaw and crush my cheek and... Oh, no. ...get me some beautiful scars all over my face. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. Red band.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Yeah, he tripped me, bastard, and he broke my jaw and everything, so I couldn't get the... He had the hit on me first. I am from Cleveland, West Side. I know how to fight.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Yeah. People go, why don't you say 450? Because I fucking didn't get to 450. I got to 444. Right.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
But I really do not have a belly button. I had nine pounds of skin removed from my abdomen, and they couldn't save my belly button, so I really don't have a belly button. Why? Why?