Jon DelCollo
Appearances
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I don't know. I'm going to come back with $400 million. That's how you pitch it. And some Mickey ears.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
All right. Have you gone as an adult? I did. I went with Mike Rainey and Jake Matera. Right. That makes sense. Rainey's a Disney adult. He's a Disney adult. We were in Florida for a little stinkers trip, and a fan of ours hooked it up with free tickets. There you go. So I got to spend a free day in Epcot and the MGM Studios or whatever it is now.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. That's pretty good. I did not drink enough in Epcot. I really regret not doing around the world. We blacked out in two hours, dude. Yeah, I should have.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
We had ShopRite, Acme, and also Zingo's. Zingo's? Yeah. Was that a single? There was one Zingo's? There was two. The one we went to was not in the nicer area. Zingo's. Zingo's might be.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Whoa. Yikes. Hey, that's essential brand. That's not just Zingos. They're all dead. That's it. Mingos, Pingos. Essential every day. All right. Who babysat you as a kid? Your older sister?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
When my mom was working and I was still in grade school, we would go to my grandparents after school. I guess she was working Tuesdays. Tuesdays we would go to mom and pop-ups.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
They got Tostinos. They got Hot Pockets. They got Tombstones, ice cream sandwiches, caffeine-free Pepsi. Get lost.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
They were still drinking coffee. What's the point of having the caffeine?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Pretty good. Any sports to speak of? Yeah, played football and wrestling and baseball. Baseball my whole life. Free sport athlete? Pretty good. Fourth grade B team QB right here.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Didn't even know it was the day that practice was starting. We were coming home from the beach, and I saw everybody at the football field at the park by my house, and I was like, I think I'm supposed to be at football practice. Ran over there with my chain wallet and cargo shorts. Big skateboarder already at the time.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
No. It was like one guy in each school who walked in both worlds. All my friends skateboarded, but they also all played.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
All the sports, yeah. And the first day I practiced, one of the coaches was like, who's left-handed? And I was like, me. And he was like, you're the quarterback. Still have no idea what logic that is. It's not baseball. It's not like I'm throwing to right-handers, you know. I don't think I threw a single fucking pass that season. Who's the southpaw? A lot of QB sneaks.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I found my way into the zone. And did you do this in high school? Were you playing sports in high school? I think I quit a sport every year in high school.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Football, freshman year, quit after that. Got you. Played basketball, freshman, sophomore. Don't think I scored a single point. Quit after that. And then I played baseball until senior year, and then I quit midseason after the coach put in a five-footer over me at first base. And I was like... He might be making contact with the ball, but DH for him. Come on. Let me play the field.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
He might be making contact with the... Listen, you can't take that away from him.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
But we're skateboarding this whole time. Skateboarding from third or fourth grade till seventh or eighth grade, whenever weed started.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
And then you were done with the skateboarding? I picked it back up in high school and college a little bit, but was not skateboarding every day.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
No, I think it was like somebody that you'd see in a CCS magazine. Gotcha. And did you have some skills? Could you do tricks? Yeah. I mean, I was like, I think my big thing was I dropped down a pretty big ledge. Just...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
ollie'd off of it you know i don't even think i ollie'd yeah a little bit of a kick flip up a curb heel flip down a curb i think i'm serious ollie to five set that's pretty i mean for what you're 10 years old yeah that's for a 10 year old that's good that's yeah not bad uh got some free stickers out of the uh out of the deal yeah so not a total l your dad probably bought them and sent them to you how was mom in the kitchen
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I thought you were doing your hair in the bathroom. Yeah, I had to put a hat over it. It didn't turn out great. He's in there, oh, this has gone bad. I got a hat! What do you use? What's the product in the hair? I just put a little Moroccan oil in it when I get out of the shower, you know? Oil of Argon, whatever you get at Target. Oil of Argon. Some shit like that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Pretty good. Pretty good. She still makes some staples to this day. Kid me. Goulash, which is not your typical Hungarian. Love a goulash. Sure. This is just ground meat, some kind of red sauce, and mozzarella cheese on top. Whoa. Put that in the oven. Let the cheese get a little brown, melted, and I can't get enough of that. I don't know if that's a goulash. Were you putting it on rag noodles? No.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Elbow macaroni. Was that in the pan with it? Elbow macaroni down first, then the ground beef, then the sauce, and then the cheese on top.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Then we had your classic hot dog casseroles, shit that has not seen the light of day since we moved out of that house.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, maybe not every night, but it was a big can't go out until after dinner or be home for dinner. Nobody answers the phone during dinner. Would it be ringing? I mean, if it was like a telemarketer, you just say, we're eating. All those skateboarding companies are gone. Or if somebody's calling for me, we're eating. He'll call you back later. Oh, really? John Brandon called. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Had to go to church every week, but I would not say religious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is probably the reason I am not religious. Sure. Having to wake up every single fucking Sunday. That was the bane of my existence, man.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
At some point we were doing church and then we were hitting either the Sheraton or the Marriott for brunch. Wait, you're going to a hotel for brunch? We would do a nice brunch buffet at a... What? Yeah. That was maybe a special occasion. We're staying in room 902. I've never heard of that. That's crazy. We weren't stealing continental breakfast. We had to pay. It was 15 bucks a head, at least.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Go to the Sheraton with your family. I think it was the Sheraton. Whoa. That is next level. Everybody was dressed up. It was Easter Sunday every weekend. Yeah, they were on business trips.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Sounds like something from fucking Star Trek. Whatever I'm using ain't working, all right? A little Klingon jizz, get it going.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I usually can't put my face on in time to make last call for continental breakfast.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
i'm getting late checkout i'm sure i can sleep till 11 30 and still make it out of there you have very still like teenager energy in the sense of like you're like i could i could just rock till noon yeah yeah i mean i think it's because i went to church every sunday i still wake up at 1 p.m uh-huh yeah i love it i'm catching up johnny d baby could you eat in your room as a kid were you allowed to eat up there
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I don't know if I ever even tried. Like, it wasn't... I didn't have a TV in there, so if I'm... Dude, no TV, just eating in your room, no TV. What the fuck am I going to do? It's crazy. Look at my incubus poster and eat a fucking Hot Pocket?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Living room was whatever was the newest thing, and then the basement had the Sega. Yeah. Would they keep up with the times with that? We had Nintendo, and then Sega, and then PlayStation original was the last one that the family bought for us.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like... Was that yours or everybody's? Families. It was separated from the rest of the piles. Like, oh, Santa brought something for everybody. Dad was a big Crash Bandicoot fan. Spyro.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I think it's going to start getting sticky in here. First concert might have been I got brought to New Kids on the Block. All right. Whoa. But your older sister was going? That's pretty good. That's a great one. First by myself with my friends. Maybe it was either Oasis or Bush.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
What year would this have been? I would say 96 or 97. Get the fuck out of here. We might have been 12 years old.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
That's amazing. Where are they playing in Delaware? Would you go up to Philly?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
affiliate i think it was in starboard down there in rehoboth i think it was the uh the tweeter center but it was closed like um the outside was closed right just the inside which is probably only like five or ten thousand i don't think it's probably not even that big yeah seems small for oasis back then that must have been fucking ripping yeah it was sick wow that's pretty good that's really good actually thank you turn it around like that ice cube chance in hell you got right here what was the first job
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
First job was, I think I was a parcel delivery guy, like a runner, like a courier. Who says that? In Wilmington. You just said five different words. A bicycle messenger.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I don't know if that was my first job, though. Either that or a golf course.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Bike messenger. I think bike messenger in high school was my first.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
And then, yeah. What were you doing there? Where were you bike messaging? Like in Wilmington? Downtown Wilmington. All the legal documents that go around. Go file this in Chancellery Court. Go. Pick this up at 222 Delaware Ave. Bring it down to the courthouse. 10 speed? I was mostly on foot.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Due to the fact that they wouldn't let me ride with the training wheels.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
But I think they were 10 speeds, yeah. They just had a bunch of bikes in the window of this place. So if you were going way uptown...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
10 blocks you go grab a bike on your way out the door oh so it's like you went back to home base and then between every delivery yeah that's that's a pretty good gig it was funny your own bike for something like that no i think independent couriers will have their own thing and just be uh they weren't for big he was a big car a big big carrier industry
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Man, the messenger wars of downtown Wilmington, you wouldn't believe what was going on in the mid-2000s. Are you being serious? I've heard stories. Oh, yeah. Like people getting fired from companies, starting their own companies. At some point, there was like four different courier companies. You don't need that many in a town that small. And you were caught up in the middle of it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
My first car was a hand-me-down from my grandparents. It was a Grand Am. Sweet. Nice. What color? What year? Gold color. Yeah, I know that gold color. Oh, shit. Roll windows still. Uh-huh.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
What are we talking, like, mid-90s? Probably maybe like a 99, 2001, possibly. Okay. That's not bad. I didn't get my hands on it until... Until college.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. Okay. That's all that matters. How many miles were it?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I think, as far as I know, my mom could have given my grandparents a couple bucks for it and then just given it to me. But I think she was just tired of picking me up in fucking school for Sunday dinner, you know?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
No, no, no. Just regular suburban. I mean, that aspect of this neighborhood was suburban-esque, you know what I mean?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Sure. I mean, we're on the boardwalk. We're getting our devil sticks, our hacky sack on.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
What age is that? That's probably a skateboarding era. So fourth, fifth, whatever grade? Eight, nine, ten, eleven years old.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I could do it all. Skateboard and do devil sticks. Still doing the chain wallet. That was pretty short-lived. I think that was probably only a- Kept tripping over himself. Two-year phase, maybe. But there's a good chance I was doing devil sticks on the Rehoboth boardwalk with a chain wallet. Sure. Any overalls? I don't think so.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
What do you mean? You're killing it. Yeah, my shit curls up. It's steaming up under here as we speak. I'm going to have fucking dreadlocks again when I take my hat off.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Like you mean I took them out and... Yeah. I don't think so.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Oh, dude. Everything, man. Johnny Blaze, Wu Ware. Johnny Blaze! Pelly Pell, PNB.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. Yeah, I don't look back on it fondly, but that's probably what started it. Pele, Pele. Are you selling any bags at the time? Woo wear? Any woo wear? Woo wear. Sure. Yeah. Are you moving any weight? Not till high school. Okay. And by that point, I was probably shopping at Abercrombie. Okay, let's talk tushy. Let's talk clean b-holes.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
No, no, no, no. I had dreads in an eyebrow ring my freshman year of college.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, after I won 250 bucks on that open mic competition, you guys shit me out to LA for free. I did? Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
No, it was like the March Madness open mic bringer competition.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I was going to L.A. either way. With or without the $250. That was the icing on the cake. Yeah, oh, I thought I could make it after that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
It's so funny you say that. This is the year I turn it all around, so be prepared for me to get back to that look.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I came back and did – I'm not there anymore, so – I was there for like a year and a half, maybe, and then came back 2013, 2012, something like that. Okay. Yeah, and then you guys were probably already in New York. I can't think I came up in 2014.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Ran out of gas money by Texas. Made it to Pittsburgh. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. Before the units, I started shopping at Abercrombie, still buying things three times too big for me. I had to filter my way into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all those pants fit again. Do you still have those clothes? No.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I don't know. I don't throw much out. It's probably in my mom's basement. But yeah, thug phase was... What kind of weight were we moving?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Smoking some shit? Grams in college. Nobody was buying fucking eighths. Nobody had $60. Where'd you go to college? University of Delaware.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
How you doing? Fighting blue cock. Brother, watch your mouth. Blue hens. It's a lady, all right? I'm sorry.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
That was a big part of it. Bob Marley's greatest hits got me. I saw a Lil Wayne's Crepe episode at the right time in my life. Sure, and it hit you.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, and I think that was a big part of my mom giving me the car at some point because they had to come pick me up. Oh, get back and forth.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, and then 10 p.m. on a Sunday, they have to fucking drive to Newark, Delaware. Not far, but. What was the pet situation growing up? No pets outside of a fish bowl or a hermit crab cage, you know? Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Fish at the carnival, got the hermit crab at the beach one year, and then nothing. Fish tank with the filter or just a bowl? Just a bowl. So a couple of days? Maybe a month at the most, yeah, yeah. Fun to feed those little guys for that period, though, you know?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
You just sit in a glass of water. I did have turtles in college, so. Whoa.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
How many turtles? You know it did. My sister found one in the park, and I was like, whoa, a turtle. I'm fucking...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
20 years old and i'm like wow a turtle i didn't know these were real and so i've got a terrarium and put it in my apartment and then you know i've got the filter going and all that shit and then it god those things stink let my friend uh watch it when i went to la and he let it die so still on my shit list what was that apartment like how many how many bedrooms how many people that specific apartment was fucking sick it was on top of like an asian grocery store okay
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
And it was four bedrooms. And my room, it was like total bachelor pad. My room went out to the deck. Not one lady went in there. No. Asian grocery store turtles. Sounds like a real swinging spot. That place had to stink. Oh, yeah. That turtle had plenty of mice for friends.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
But I had a deck outside of my bedroom door. That's pretty good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. You can't tell me nothing. Mm-hmm. Still was wearing a medium shirt. Jesus Christ.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, I mean. Or would you go to them? If you got the bros and you got three friends that are trying to smoke a blunt, bring over a gram. They all give me five bucks. I throw the other five myself, get high for an hour, and then do it all over again, baby. You guys know the drill. That was the cover at your apartment?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Johnny, you are a different level of trash. I'm going to turn it around. I know it. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I ran a little show for a couple times called New Foods with JDC where I would have a guest bring me a food that I had never tried. One of them was cereal with milk. You're joking. No. As a kid, you didn't have cereal. I didn't try milk until college. It wasn't for me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, I think my first memory is my mom trying to shove a Cheerio into my mouth and me just being like, no, no, no. So as soon as I could make conscious decisions about food, it was like they submitted pretty quickly and were just like, so you're getting McDonald's.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Pop tarts, toaster strudels. Sometimes my mom would make some eggs or pancakes.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Uh-uh. I think I tried cookie crisp dry and I was like, this ain't a fucking cookie, brother. What the fuck is this? Yeah, you just go get a real cookie.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
A banana somebody brought to try the first time. You've never had a banana. Really? Respect. Now we're talking. I'll never do it again, so you're not missing much.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I think some friends were over for dinner with my family, and they were like, you seriously have never tried milk as an adult that you can remember? Yeah. As a child, yeah. And I think I had a sip of it in front of my friends.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
It's not bad. It's kind of just like a watery vanilla milkshake. You know what I mean? But I don't go back to the tap for it, you know? So you're not a milk guy? No. I know you guys are big on milk for dinner. That was my dad's move.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. At least there's one normal person. He took you to Disney World for 48 hours.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Oh, great question. We did a little trio of three. One was... Honey Nut Cheerios. I think the other was regular Cheerios. Honey Nut blows regular out of the fucking water. It's not even close. Honey Nut Cheerios might as well be candy compared to the other shit. Welcome to Earth. And then something like one of the cinnamon, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Okay. So you just took a couple of bites of each?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Audience full of people who paid five bucks to see it. Man, what a country you live in.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Are you flossing every day? I do not floss, no. Never? A couple times a decade, maybe.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
No. Heavens, no. Did you have braces as a kid? I did, yeah. Do you have dental insurance now? I just re-upped my Obamacare, and I added dental. There you go. Yeah, so I think this year's my year. I only go to the dentist in recent years when I can feel one of my wisdom teeth coming in. And then I go in, and I'm like, well, what is it? And they're like, it's your wisdom teeth.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Same thing as last time. And then they give me a slip for an oral surgeon, and then the pain stops. And you never go. They've all grown in completely. Yeah. Mine are in pretty heavy. Yeah. Never got them taken out? No. Man, we got to use those pills, right?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
It don't hurt that bad. Everyone a lava lamp? I think during the turtle apartment, I had a lava lamp in there, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I don't think so. My sister had them in her room growing up, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I'm sure a lot of people did. Yeah, a lot of people did. It was, I guess, senior year of high school. I was like, I'm not even fucking around. I saw Lil Wayne with dreads for the first time. That's a big swing for senior year of high school. How about some cornrows? Well, I couldn't do it in school, so I had to wait until the summer.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I must have, yeah. Try to teach him karate. Come on, come on, Leo, you got this.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. I do believe it was a girl, though. Don't want to assume.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
No car. No car. My girlfriend's car. Your girlfriend's car.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
In the parking lot, baby. Why? Ate the bones and all. I didn't eat it there.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Oh, yeah, dude. I did the thing that they do on the commercial around the body. I honestly don't know. Like, there's part of me that is like, I wasn't getting laid because I was handsome. I was getting laid because they smelled the Xbox. That's how good that marketing was. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Are you a cologne guy now? I am not. But, you know, if I pick up a GQ every once in a while, I'll rub my wrist on the inside, you know? Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I had a Puerto Rican chick partition my hair off, and I ordered a kit on the internet that I put beeswax in. Dreads for white dudes? Comes with free patchouli oil or whatever? And they were not great. And you just don't wash your hair? There was a special shampoo in the little kit that I bought. They stunk physically, metaphorically, every way you can think of them stinking.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I had every episode, every issue for about 20 years. Why? Year 2020 to the year 2020. Year 2000 to the year 2020. Why? Subscription. Just like GQ? Yeah, I like reading the articles. I like getting style inspiration. How do you think I dress like a fucking teenager from the future now?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Do you guys remember me wearing that? I don't even remember wearing that. I wanted to be you, John.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I think it's a cool time capsule to hold on to, you know? I don't have any fucking records or anything. CDs are all in the fucking Goodwill. Don't you have children?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, and that's what inspired me to wear a scarf that summer.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I think you know well that I am a chain restaurant guru. I would not push back on that fact. And like.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
live in a city with plenty of nice restaurants places i will be like hey do you want to go to chili's and cherry hill and that's like cherry that's a nice one yeah there's a parking lot it's a parking that's big yeah i if i get the inkling we usually end up going to a chain restaurant really and chili's would be the top chili's i mean i'll go to these places by myself too i'll sit at the bar at chili's and order fucking nachos and have a beer yeah yeah
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I went to Olive Garden by myself a couple weeks ago. I'm not fucking around. I walked in there, and when the server came to my table, I was like, I'm going to take the tour of Italy, but here's what I'm here for. I'm going to eat 12 breadsticks and four bowls of soup before I even touch that entree. And she was bringing me soups two at a time.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Had some breadsticks to bring home, but I did polish off four bowls of soup, and I tipped the lady 45%. That's pretty good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Soupa Descana. There's kale in there. It might as well be a salad. What's 25% of $13? Wait a minute. Holy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Breakfast. This is the way home from church. This was dinner. If I get in a little, you know, me and the lady aren't talking for a couple hours, I'm going to head out. I'm going to get some food. I'm going to go to Trader Joe's, but I'm really just going to Olive Garden by myself. You'll do that?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
If I ordered on the app, it counts, right? Well, you got the Burger King app. Brother, I got 30 food apps in mind. You want to roll through them? Okay, yes. Let's go to food. Uh-huh. You know it's food because it's labeled food. Okay. Front row, we got all your big dogs. You got your... There's nine there. There's Domino.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
What? At the mall? I don't have computers there. I downloaded it for one purchase at an outlet. Okay. I got like a free smoothie or something. You got a Wingstop. Here's the fast food voice. Is it Dunkin'?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Drop a bin. Let him know. I thought I could locate a truck with the app. I don't think it works like that. Ended up having to go to the brick and mortar location in Jersey. Oh, God. Is the brick and mortar Mr. Softee? Year-round, baby. It's in Pensauken or something. Shout out to Pensauken.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
No. I frequent there. I go there three times a week, though, just to park in a parking lot. Oh, my God. It's nice over there. You got the mall. You got Costco, Wegmans, Trader Joe's.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Not much about it. They were pretty happy to see me looking like a skinhead when they got back from my little sister's basketball game one day.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
What are you hitting in the mall food court? First thing I'm doing, bury me with an Annie Ann's original with salt and a Jamba Juice Strawberries Wild in the other hand. That's just to get things going. That's just to find the food court. That's just to get there. And I've located the store on my app. I've located the NES. And then if it's din-din time, I'm going. If it's soupy time.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I'm going probably like a chicken teriyaki place. Really? With the fried rice and the. I respect. It's the one that always has the longest line. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Would you take a little toothpick? I'll do a lap. Whoever's got the toothpicks out. I'm usually not buying there, if that's the case. Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free, buddy?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Every once in a while. Have you ever had their breakfast? But I do like a smoothie. Annie Ann's breakfast. Is that true? At the airport. Yeah. I have had it at the airport.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Sausage, egg, and cheese on a pretzel roll. What? Salty. It's pretty crazy. Too much salt for a breakfast sandwich, but I get it down.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, yeah. I drag her to the Sierra Nevada mountains every single year. Right.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. I like to go to Yosemite or Tahoe. Started with her in a tent for the first couple years. Okay. Now she hasn't slept in a tent in a number of years. So we're on the hotel tip in the mountains now. But if she had it her way, we would go to Miami or something, you know, some beach. She don't got it her way. Yeah, no, she doesn't.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, yeah. If I'm just doing two nights, I'll just grab a pack of hot dogs and some chips or something like that. You would do that if you were staying in your apartment.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I still am. Were you writing any rap lyrics at the time? I was freestyling a little bit. Don't know if I was writing anything down. Had to come off the dome.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
If I'm cooking, I made filet mignon the other night. Whoa, what? Filet mignon with some- Whoa. Carrots were from Trader Joe's. Scout potatoes were just a microwavable plastic dish. From Trader Joe's? Yeah. They're pretty good. Not bad. All their stuff like that's top shelf. Heat up some ciabatta rolls, some par-baked ciabatta rolls. But that's about it. I order food most of the time.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Are you guys eating together a lot? A couple days a week, yeah. He answers, oh, you are a jerk-off.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Different lifestyles, I believe. We are two ships passing in the night. Different worlds. We are two ships passing in the afternoon.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Or you sit at the table? If the baby's eating in the high chair, if Maggie cooked something for the baby to eat, we'll all eat around the kitchen counter.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I wish they sold them in ones. You got to make her one, then. 20 bucks for two little fucking nice medallions? Thick boys, too. Ended up coming out rare.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I don't know if they're called heirloom carrots. I don't think they are. They're carrots of many colors. You know, the purple ones, the yellow ones. Confirmed. Confirmed heirloom.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
It's got enough ketchup on it. I'll fuck with carrots. I'll eat anything in a soup. If you put it in a soup, I'll eat anything. You're a soupy guy. Or if it's fried. I'll eat a boot if you fry it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
It's going to be Taco Bell. Okay. Taco Bell has been treating me pretty nicely. Out of the Aramingo cluster of fast food places, they really take their time and they put some care into the package you're getting. Okay. All right. I mean, hmm.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Ever been bitten by a dog? Not to break skin, no. I mean, that's insane. I mean, we've all been nipped by a dog that's too... Sure. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Okay. When was the last time you ordered a shot of Fireball? Oh, man. Over five years. Okay. Probably longer. That shit is not for me. I don't drink liquor at all. Okay. Do you keep beers in the house? Rarely, if I brought them home from leftover party or something like that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
If we're all drinking on my boy's porch, and I'm like, I might want these six when I get home. I'll take them home. I only have one when I get home, and then I got five in the fridge. You'll take the beers back from a party? We're living a dirtbag lifestyle over on my buddy's porch, all right? My buddy's porch? I don't think it's connected to a house. You think he needs 40 Miller Lights?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
A certain backyard porch, yeah. I have gone over and not entered the house, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I don't typically keep beer in the fridge, no. Okay. You open your eyes underwater? I think I do, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Have you given the baby soup yet? I don't think so. No. Today's the day. You have a passport. Expired. What? Yeah. You have an expired passport? And too over-expired to redo. I have to go through the whole process again.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
When did it expire? I got it when I was probably 20, so it expired about eight years ago. Ten years ago. Where'd you go? I went to London with the first trip, and then I've been to Costa Rica and Canada as well with it. Okay. Costa Rica. What were you doing down there? Studying abroad. Really? And doing some schoolwork.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Brothers, sisters. Older sister, younger sister. How far apart are they? Five years each. Five years each? Yeah, so they're ten years apart and they're like best friends. Really? Yeah, I'm out of the mix. And you guys grew up in a house? Yeah, I guess you would call it a single family home on this program. Sure, we would. I will say it was a neighborhood of row homes. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
What do you got coming up? What do you want the folks out there to know? Hit them. Oh, man, follow me on Twitter and Instagram, at JohnnyDelco, J-O-N-N-Y-D-E-L-C-O. I'll be in Cincinnati in April, 4th and 5th, at The Comet in Cincinnati. There you go. And me and the other little stinkers, Mike Rainey and Jake Matera, will be at the Independent Comedy Theater in Detroit. Yes, it's a great venue.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
On May 19th, I believe. Could be the 16th. Okay. It's Friday, I believe, the 16th of May. Gotcha. So come check us out.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Our house was in the middle of the block, not only connected on one side, and in between our house and the next house was a shared driveway. Okay. Wait. One garage or no garage? No garage. It just led to the backyards. It was basically like an alleyway. No one parked in there. That's our people running from the cops. No garage. You ran down the alleyway.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
A freestanding building. Where a family who loves each other. A townhouse doesn't qualify as a loving home.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
What did your dad do? My dad, at one point, he owned an accessibility company. He sold wheelchair ramps, that kind of stuff. At that one point. Yeah, that wasn't a good week. That wasn't the whole time. Okay. And then he eventually sold life insurance after that. What happened to the business?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I think he grew to hate handicapped people after some time of working with them and then didn't want to be in that business. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Before that, I think he worked at a hardware company. Okay. That I think was my grandfather's at some point. A lot of it's murky, a lot of blurry memories. Talking about rising and falling in America, in Wilmington. What'd your mom do? My mom worked for a lawyer, a secretary, but more of a legal assistant kind of thing. Paralegal type person. I think secretary is downplaying.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
She's transcribing whatever the guy says in the tape recorder, all that stuff. The whole time that you were growing up, that was her main thing. Yeah, she was stay-at-home until maybe my sister was in kindergarten or something. Your younger sister. Yeah, my little sister. And then I guess she started back full-time when I was like 8 or 10 or something like that. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Mom was always rocking a Buick. A Buick. Shout out to a nice Buick American car. Pop-Up worked for GM, so they had the GM discount, so it was always Buick. Pop-Up, okay. And then my dad had a minivan at some point, a nice town and country once we had three kids. Dude, when the town and country's hit, that was a good vehicle. Let me slap a big old Santa Cruz sticker on the back of it. Really? What?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
He was good to me when I was skateboarding. I respect that. He was my cameraman. Really? Oh, yeah. He did my Sponsor Me tape.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Something from England or something. Sounds nice, but the neighborhood was Cleland Heights. Cleland. Cleland. That ain't a great sound. It's not good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Was your dad from Delaware as well? He was. I believe all of my grandparents were born in Delaware, which is kind of remarkable.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I'd say a thousand feet from the city line. I spent some time on Google Maps, so I know exactly how far I went. A thousand feet from the city line. I walked home from school every day. Never walked to school. Why? I was fucking running late. Okay. So they would drive you? I'd be late. Your parents would drive you or your boss? Parents would drive you. To get a bus five minutes would be insane.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Sure. I don't think that was an option. So the school was in the city. So you were a proper walker. Yeah. School was in the city. House was just outside of the city limits. Gotcha. I don't think that's legal, is it? I think that's the whole thing about the city. Catholic school. Ah, okay. That makes sense. People were coming from everywhere. Who sprung for that?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
I'm assuming. I don't know. I think the district I was in specifically, probably not great. Uh-huh. But it's got some good. I mean, public school still seems scary to me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
We did Disney a number of times. Really? Yeah. What's that all about? That's probably why we were stuck in that shared driveway. We could have probably moved on up if we had cut Disney down to half. Who was the Disney fan?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah, but no, we were going like... Went for high school graduation. We definitely all remember going at least five times. Really? Five times? Dude, I probably have been to Disney World 10 or 12 times. What? Not creative, I guess. We went to the beach, too. Dewey Beach, Rehoboth Beach. Those were our low-key weekend getaways or whatever.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
At one point, my grandparents had a condo down there, a timeshare maybe. Okay. Oh, no. I haven't said that out loud yet.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
So at some point, the grandparents were there and my mom's parents. Mostly it would be us. We would stay. They would do it nice. We'd stay at the Polynesian. So you'd stay on campus. Yeah. As they call it. On the monorail.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
That's Santa Cruz sticker. You weren't driving down to Florida, right? You were flying. No, we never did that. We always flew. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Do you remember? First time I was on a plane was probably to go to Florida. Yeah. Maybe before kindergarten, but I remember doing it in kindergarten. No kidding. Wow, this is... I never said this out loud either. One time my dad took me to Disney World, just me and him. What? So he could buy a lottery ticket in Florida because the jackpot was so high.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
My mom was probably pregnant. I was in kindergarten, so you can miss color day or whatever, you know? Sure. But my older sister was probably in, like, fifth grade, so she's not going to get taken out of school.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. Yeah. Pretty cool little trip for little John to go on. Was it a short one? I think like two nights. Go down, buy the ticket. Could have just been one night. Hit the park? I went to Magic Kingdom for one day, yeah. That's nuts, dude. That's a level of... Did he win?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Take your kid out of school to take him to Jersey for the afternoon.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
Yeah. Yeah, of course. Because I guess the Mega Millions and Powerball were specific states back then, you know what I mean?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jon DelCollo!
That fucking condo folded years before that, probably. He's trying to get the condo back. It wasn't the time of the timeshare, right? Wrong time of year.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah. That's kind of weird to think that much about a sausage. You don't spend a lot of time thinking about sausage, bro? No, I'd be like, I want it hot, but sweet, too. No, I'm kidding. Take one bite, turn it around. I'm joshing. My lady's driving, and I'm in the fucking passenger seat like this. You're eating them both like this. You ever been to show and tell?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
What? I like them. Dude, they're the worst nuts.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Rockers should sponsor that.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
She was not, by the way.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, I've had them raw. Pause. Yeah, they say if you eat one Brazil nut a day, it's supposed to be like super good for you. Yeah, I don't think it. So we eat raw unsalted Brazil nuts, and there's a huge jar on my counter. I was like, I'll put them here. I'll eat one every day.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Imagine, okay, so imagine, you know, like, did you ever see, like, ladies in, like, Kensington, like, dipped out in the bus stop? Imagine them naked. Not that bad.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Not that bad. No, dude, when I went there, it was, these women were, like, pure scale.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
no dude when i was there they were for real skeletor they waved they were i don't want to be crass on this but they were like inserting vaginal insertion yeah and they waved it out in the crowd they were so bad dudes went
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Obviously. I mean, that's your business. I don't. I think it comes from the deepest bits of hell.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
They do. I was whispering out of the lane, by the way.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Look, again, I was curious. Obviously, it was on my mind. We passed.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
My voice said someone, a stripper showed them his butthole. And yeah, look. That's cool. I think that's like a putty on the tits place too. I don't want to mess their license up, but I think a stripper accidentally revealed her butthole.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
What's up?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, but what's the worry about genitals and food? It should be like hairnets in latex gloves.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
That's an antiquated law. You should make them dress like lunch ladies. It's true.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
You gotta put those ladies' pussies away if you're serving corned beef.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
yeah they should uh that would be a cool uh strip club that was just like a high school cafeteria yeah and it was just like stripper lunch ladies serving you food that'd be nice and they were like grab their titties and get like mashed potatoes real situations that would actually be real yeah like you just have a whole warehouse of real situations you can walk
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
They're fucking gross, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Damn, a slutty grocery store would be nice.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
There's a coffee shop there. If you want to stand, I don't mind.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Where is it? In Florida? Yeah. It had my dad fucked up, bro.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Damn, so he pulled up on the stripper coffee shop. Yeah, I didn't know.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, that's like kind of on you. I thought you're on a headset behind a screen like Wizard of Oz style.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, they're not... I mean, look, they're not the best, but look, this is what I want to talk to you guys about. I... I didn't mean to get scared away on perversions right at the beginning. We didn't get that perverted. I can get... Right now, I could get deep into my personal kink, but I'm just chilling on that right now. That's cool. I want to talk about the fact... Well, I...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
They put a statue of the gooner?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
uh stripper coffee place like baristas are already brutal and strippers are already brutal you put it together and it's probably like at least in that case it would make sense if they're like not even gonna tip it's like dude bust out your fucking tits like i get a hundred percent yeah you don't even have the guy you don't even have perky ariel like what's going on what is wrong with you today you wore a bra to work what is wrong with you i'm all about the starbucks uniform
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
They're on strike right now. They don't want to let their freak flag fly. They can't wear Crocs. And they're like, we deserve the Karl Marx standard. It's like, take your fucking Crocs off. You're 40 years old. You have a college degree. Wear some fucking slacks, man. You're working for a giant corporation.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
They've been trying to do that forever.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
You know, there was a coffee shop in Philly, in Fairmount, and they tried to unionize, and the dude shut the entire- All of them. Closed all of them down. OCF. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Worst of both worlds. He's a developer. Hey, man. Allegedly, I've heard he's a bit of a motherfucker.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
It's on brand for an evil developer. Yeah, that's fine. I'll take away everyone's job.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I've been laughing about it ever since. I mean, that's pretty fucking great. Dang, that's embarrassing going out with one of those.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, I can't make it. If you can't look behind you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Also, I don't know a single person who's ever actually needed one of those things Therefore like when you're laying in traction in a hospital bed, right?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I'm edged right now, but I'm not gooning. I'm totally still off the goon. How many days? Eight days.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
That was a lot of podcasts. I fucking crashed it down. It was so fucking good. Yeah. How many not to get personal, how many days you have in you in terms of like, you're not we're we've made a pact as brothers. Not watching porn or jerking off, like not watching porn or coming. Everyone's journey is different, but I'm I'm I'm no PMO. Porn, masturbation, orgasm.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Since February? Yeah. All right. I can't wait to get some time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
My sheath takes care of that, dude. I fucking...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
i'm good are you saying the same thing it's been eight days since you've i exploded only i i've i've been trying to do this for like seven years this is like a testosterone spike allegedly eight i'm on eight right now it's pretty clear but yeah yeah dude i i now it's like punching the brick wall before you got here it's it's i'm just like it's only my wife can release me i i cannot bear to masturbate myself i like the game of saving it for mommy for sure
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
good to tell her too but every once in a while she's on a work call and this has to happen now that's that's when you have to supplement the energy and learn once you flip that switch where you go like this energy's good before i'd go this is bad i shouldn't feel like this now i'm going like this is how i am supposed to feel clean something like you clean out your car yep that'll really like just take the edge off a little bit okay all right dude i'm telling you i just tell her i wake up in the morning i say babe i don't know if today's the day it's okay if it's not but
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Just feel it. See where I'm at. She goes, my God. I go, yeah. Oh, my God. Well, let's see how it gets bigger tomorrow. On a serious note, it's like, I think the best thing you can possibly do in a long-term relationship, because if you have the goon escape latch, it fucks your whole, you can't exist like that.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Well, if you come to conflict, if you have the escape latch, it allows you to just be like, whatever. And you slowly drift apart. Yes. But now if we're at odds by any means, I have to hash it out because it's like...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I'm eight days. And I'm, dude, I'm telling you, I turned a corner, man. I don't know what happened. I'm, I'm completely. And again, I'm sorry to talk about this every single time. It's coming out of your eyes. It kind of is. I'm completely, I'm off the knock. I turned the corner where it's just like before, like I'd want, I just be wanting to look at it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
that's that's the teat bro i'm like a baby on the teat that's my only that's my lifeline so and it makes you like dude after like seven days your babe just becomes like a goddess you're just like oh my god i mean after three days if you like brush against her in the kitchen you're like put the baby to bed we have to go fucking three days they're the enemy you gotta get through that three days ago why the fuck did you do this to me do you not care about me at all
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
You're doing this to yourself. I'm telling you, I've matured. I flipped the switch. Now I just go, babe, dude. I had her literally the morning. I said, just charge me up. Charge me up. I'm your toy soldier. Spin my top. Send me right out in the world. Wow. And I hit the Home Depot parking lot like, I'm a country.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Dude, I feel like at this point, I could watch The Notebook with my wife and be like, fuck, babe, this is so fucking good right now. I would build you that house, even though you're having sex with that other guy for 10 years. Yeah, dude, it's been... I can't recommend it enough. Off the goonage. Just totally off the goonage. They say if things are free, you're the product.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I would never put myself in that position.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Is he in jail? Huh? Is he in jail? Who? Adam 22? No, he's not in jail.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I think so. I think he made some systemic change. I think he made some... I think they reversed the DEI stuff and he was like, all right. Probably got a tax credit for letting that dude hit. Let's bring in a few more guys with crew cuts. No, I want one that looks like mine. I watched an interview with him recently.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I just saw pieces of it, but there was a, you know, Jin Lee, the rapper from the Dallas-based rapper. You were just telling me about him. White guy. White guy. Is that the one Drewski just made fun of? No, Drewski came at my bro, Belly Gang Kush. Belly Gang Kush. Well, he goes by Belly Gang Kush.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
And now it's like, I don't even, I don't want to look at this stuff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Cushington was his name, but I saw him correct someone. I just called him Kush. Okay. Thanks for correcting me. Yeah, put some respect on him. Yeah, my bad. Belly Gang Kush is half black. He was just raised by a black family. Okay. Jin Lee is a white boy. Certified white boy. But both have raised a stir by their use of the N-word in their raps. Yeah. It's a debate. It's a controversy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Dude, white rappers have powered up. They found the moonstone and they've powered up with it. It's crazy right now.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I've somehow in my head just been like that feeling when I get like sexually charged, I, I, before I'd be like, this is bullshit. Like I would get mad at my wife. Yeah. I would for real be like, this fucking lady. Now I've gotten into it where I get into the charge. And I talk to her all the time. She charged me up this morning. I said, bro, just charge me, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Hold on.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
He's a purist. Yeah, he won't. It's too late for him to do it. It's got to kill him being like, fuck.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Holy shit, dude. We're here. Charles Bliznick, John DelGallo. Hello. Thank you guys for joining me on this program. Thank you for having me. We have a special guest popping in as well.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I thought the new one was a bop, honestly. I hear you. It's not for me. I do think he's the perfect celebrity. He like he wears like Frankenstein boots and just kind of like does weird stuff. He's like he's like he's at least filling the celebrity archetype perfectly. Yeah. Yeah. Just like a disastrous private life dresses like a complete freak.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Executioners. What do you think I was talking about? I didn't know what you were talking about, honestly.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Limp Bizkit, I was like, break stuff, obviously. I would get charged up as hell.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
For sure, some LPs. When I was in my feelings, I'd put on a LP.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Chester does speak to me, dude.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
what the fuck i was thinking about something else i was i had something to do that the other day uh you know who's you were telling me about glenn greenwald's sitch yeah i'm all about when dudes get out it for like crazy sexual stuff whenever they're like yeah that's what i do i'm always like yes i lift them up i i kind of like that i'm being honest even zestiny when zestiny was like even zestiny you have to root for a guy who's literally a pedophile
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
The only thing I like when those... That was a totally... It was two adults. If he wants to lick up loogies from his daddy, that's right.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I was like, we can't do anything right now. We survived a microburst, by the way. You know what a microburst is?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
You can't just keep saying all this stuff. He looks like it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
You said he was having sponge fun.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
His eyes are dialing. He looks spun out for sure. Have you ever been under total control by a daddy?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Beast. Oh, his Dom released it. Allegedly. I think, yeah. He might have gotten Dom by the Israeli government if I'm.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
That's why I'm off the board, dude. That's a pornhill.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
The porn holes lead beyond. I mean, dude, you put the video up after my brother. I was talking to my brother Tom about this. He's also a porn sober and he was like reading about like how far dudes take their porn holes. Dude, like you think, you know, he was like talking about how he's like, yeah, you think you're bad and you research what some other people are up to.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
No, there's going to be a microburst later today if all things go well, but... We had like a semi-tornadic hailstorm.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
oh dude it's crazy dude there was what the fuck he was like he said this guy came out of a porn hole by his wife finding like he had like ordered butt plugs for himself and his wife was just like what are these he was like bro i was good i was completely good they're boy pacifiers put one in your mouth
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
they calmed me down i got my i was like telling my wife again we talk about everything now but i was like telling her i was like best friends i was just like dude i was like bro i'm off the nog just trying to like like she'd be impressed and she was like why do you even have to look at it anyway it's like what are you talking about she's like why don't you just masturbate and i was like what are you talking about why why do i have to explain this like you speak on the it's a lifestyle yeah well
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, let me think about it. Because it's a bunch of naked ladies doing stuff I'll never ever see in real life. Yeah. But she's right. Why the fuck would I need that? Have you ever tried to find your dick twin? My dick twin? Yeah. In porn? Yeah. If I see anyone even, like, if someone's not... It's like an Appalachian OnlyFans.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
No, no, I'm just curious. I'm a total science queen, dude. If someone's even close to me, I'm going, brother, what are you doing? Get it fucking done.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yo, bro, I hate to break it to you. I think you don't have what it takes, kid. I think you need to get a new job, brother.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Come to Porn Goat. True. That could be. I mean, yeah, you'd have to make it up in passion, though. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Be a chow monster. But I have a feeling. Wait, what? No, I might be.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
If you did, you could do, you could do like, yeah, you could do like passionate, like women's porn kind of. At that point, just become like a fucking actor. Yes. Yeah, just go to Hollywood.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Or like a soapy vampire, right? A hit song. That'd be cool. A hit song. Speaking of which, I have like a feeling that might be my dick twin. The guy, the redhead guy who's like, meh.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Anthony, what's his name? Oliver Anthony. Oliver Anthony. I feel like we probably are addicted to it. If I had to guess, I don't want to, you know, it's not bad, we're average. We need to see that guy's piece, though. There's no way that guy has a huge piece. You can't rally against the fucking... Right. You can't rally against the bourgeois.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, he's got a working man's piece. He's a working man, through and through. Yeah. So I think if you had to get, if someone had to, that's probably my dick to end. So unless he releases his sex tape. That's nice. It's not bad. He's, you know. I think that's pretty good. He's probably 6'1".
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
He's got a pretty busy schedule. I might DM him. Like, bro, what are you working on? Just curious. Love your stuff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Like, what are you working with, bro? I think we might be dick twins.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Just for research purposes. I might start doing this to everyone who features. You just get hammered and be like, bro, let me see what you got.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
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Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, you know, sometimes you feel like a weak little girl, but you got to, you know, overcome that and be a fucking man in therapy and outside of therapy. Real strength isn't about bottling everything up inside and hiding your faults. It's acknowledging that you need help and doing something about it.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
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Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
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Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I just want to know.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Is that what you're trying to say? If that's the case, dude, I'm afraid I have to put you in the red, my friend.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
He likes all the stuff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Total rock star. According to the court documents, yeah, you could draw the conclusion that he was... He had transcended like regular sexuality. Well, there's a thing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Everything is the color of cum. Well, there's the freak-offs, then there's Wild King Nights. Wild King Nights were a little more low-key. Wild King Nights were like, if we all got a hotel room and just kept it low-key.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
i'm getting hit with that on instagram and no chicks just like swingers vlogging you're on the swinger algorithm i'm on my algorithm is destroyed i've seen the this the one swinger that you go she like travels yes okay she like travels and like i said bullshit me and blue saying gay algorithm yeah i'm in the gay algorithm very gay algorithm
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Take it, boy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
That's like the Joker. If you're going to be a giant disgusting whore. Might as well. Yeah. I shouldn't speak badly about her, but she, you are actually, that's being a giant. I think she's like, I think that's spot on. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
They're all pretty approach.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Wait, when did it flood? Maybe that's what he was talking about.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I know you are, but what am I kind of thing? I mean, going through the nursing home is like, that's kind of nice in a weird way.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I mean, imagine you're just sitting there and you're like... You're just like, where's my family? I haven't seen them. And then some lady comes in and blows you. It's like... Who's kicking her out? I would think I'd die.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah. Or some big fucking Jamaican lady. What the hell are you doing here? Get it out of your mouth now.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
What are you talking about? Oh, no, you're saying my Project Rocks. I'm wearing my bathing suit right now. I'm going swimming after this.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
That was on Monday.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I'm giving you an honest, unbiased opinion. Shane hooked me up with Under Armour sneakers, and they're my favorite shoes right now. You used to beg to suck them on Twitter. Oh, The Rock. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
A long time ago, I didn't stalk him. I said we were going to jerk off together. I used to send The Rock. I used to send The Rock gay tweets. Like Dutch Rudder or just together? Just to fuck around. I thought it was funny to send him gay tweets. And I would send them to people. I tweeted The Rock and my mom found them and called me furious. Yeah. doing online? What are you doing on Twitter, mom?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
People definitely died. If you were outside, they're claiming apple-sized hail.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
She follows my shit all the time. I'll call her every now and again. She'll be like, I saw that one thing. It was not very nice. I'm like, what did I say? You're using not nice language.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
that's yeah that's and it was 15 straight minutes it was crazy and the wind was from what i saw swirling because people thought it was a tornado damn it was 80 mile out of nowhere i got an alert on my phone i was watching a new hope with my kids watching star wars the first one yes just chilling all of a sudden it's like you know you get the amber alert thing or whatever that's not the same yeah sure my bad you just get like your phone's gonna be a real wet pervert coming to you
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
He's been sleeping, man. When's the next big hit coming out? You didn't see the Christmas movie that cost $250 million on Netflix?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I think it was DC and I think it was their biggest flop. Black Adam flopped, yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
What do you think about Usher's bowl of cherries? Could you resist it, you think? Everyone talks big game. I don't think anyone can. Imagine him holding what looked like child's testicles in front of your face. Imagine you're a 40-year-old black lady. Could you not lick the simulated child's testicles if it was your biggest crush?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
He was a king. He was a king. I'm an Israelite.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
You have the RH?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
What does that even give you blood powers? Is it like universal donor?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah. You just kind of get a sixth sense of a plane's about to fly into a building. You're like, hold on.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
That's going to... Why is he getting cucked? Is he getting cucked? He gets cucked by his OS.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, because people are having serious crises around chat GPT and AI. People are following it like a religious cult and stuff.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, that is pretty cool. You could do brutal honesty and be like, dude, what do you think of me? Here are some pics. It would shoot you straight. It could Jordan Peterson you, the chat GBT. But yeah, you can do it. It's like the step up from Googling yourself. You could be like, scour the web or anything I've ever done, my pictures. What do you think of me, man?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I've got nine days in me and I'm trying to fuck you.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
About to get diddled by the weather. We got diddled, by the way. It fucking broke two of our windows. Whoa. Dude, my neighborhood got smashed, dude. Oh, my God. Like, if you walked afterwards, it was just... Did you go outside in it? Hell no, dude. Dude, I thought, like, I had my kids away from the window. My sweet wife, which is left in an Uber moments before.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, they do have to end the fucking word violence online. It's not nice. Are you still stuck in the comments? No, dude. I don't fucking read anything.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
So you have no idea what your haters are up to? No.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Shit. Get someone. Just go to ChatGBT and be like, bro, scan the comments. Give me your support. Yeah, get a real fucking...
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
ChatGPT is like string guidelines. They won't call things gay? No. It'll like flag you. If you're like, it'll be like, just so you know, this violates our user policy. But then it could, it'll like delve into certain things.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Grok might.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Dude, apparently, wasn't he crunk at a dinner or something?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, they're trying to say he was on ketamine. And ecstasy.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Just trying to plan his new fucking company. Just like four forks to the vector of nine.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, everyone hates on him, man. I get it. I get it. I know he's like a nerd, but I don't know. I still don't know why people like hate the guy. I don't trust him. The passion. It's like annoying. I don't care.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, he's a giant dork.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
And they had to pull into, like, a car wash for shelter in an Uber.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
What I don't like, I think it's a form of weakness when people have the Tesla and have the bumper sticker being like, got it before he was bad. I think that's the weakest shit you can possibly do.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Get what you deserve, dude. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, exactly.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Although, to be fair, they say that it reduces your T by 18% to drive a electric vehicle.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
So that is kind of low-T behavior.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
It was, it was, I've never been scared in a storm. This is the first time I was looking at my roof being like, this thing might come down on us. Is that the craziest storm you've ever seen with your own eyes? Easily. Dude, easily. Wow. It was just literally raining golf balls for 15 minutes.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
So an electric bicycle that looks like a dirt bike.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I could trade my car and get like three of them. I'll just buy your car, dude, if that's how cheap it is. Yeah, I'm trying to pitch my wife on the idea that I'm just going to stop driving altogether. An Uber everywhere? Yeah, just ride Ubers. Yeah, why not? And get like an electric bicycle.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I hate driving. I shouldn't do it. It's like irresponsible. I don't pay attention to anything I'm doing.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Get a self-driving car.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
EMFs will lower my T. Although if I have... Get a gas one.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Gas self-driver?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I don't want a self-driving Chevy Cruze. It's going to fucking crash. Get a side-by-side.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I could wear like an x-ray shield.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
It's got to be on your crotch.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Just going on the roof. Took out my kids, went to my kids windows just side by side. Whoa. What about car windows? So it might have been a storm. It was a bit of a pervert. Yeah. Only my kids rooms. And, dude, and they hit, like, if you went outside after. I went out afterwards when it settled down. I went to Home Depot after and just LARPed as a contractor. Yeah, it's nice. For, like, 30 minutes.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
True. I saw that one podcast, and now I'm fucked up on electric cars.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Luke Belmar's brother might be my favorite kind of like crazy web guy right now. I don't know. He kind of spits facts, dude. He does spit facts. Yeah. Bro, if you're driving, if you're driving, it's the most like unrelatable. He's like, look, man, because I drive a Lamborghini, I want my body to be shredded to match my car. We should all be matching our car.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, you get a PR. It's like a PR firm.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Who committed regicide against a liver cancer?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Just lie. I mean, she was right. Definitely, you've been lying about steroids this whole time. Don't come out now. It did ruin him to come out and beg, I'll be honest. I mean, he didn't come out. He got exposed.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Bro, when you're eight days in like me, it's just like, I send those texts like, be there soon.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, restructure this paragraph so I retain frame. It's like, why are you doing LOL, you bitch? It's like, yeah, fuck.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I can't help it. I've been trying to do that, and I still have to sound like a ha-ha.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I feel like a psycho, and I'm just like, yes, okay.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Just carrying one piece of wood. I was genuinely shaking. Swinging it around. Literally, that's exactly what I did. But I brought a tape measure with me. So I had the tape measure, and I knew it. It was like, bro, don't do this. But I hooked it onto my fucking bell clip, and I was fully LARPing as a contractor the entire time.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Oh, I used to send, I used to have periods in my text. It'd be like, yeah, I'll be there, period. And I remember our sister was like, why do you have periods in your text? Like a psychopath.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I still don't understand what the fucking point of a semicolon is. It's just two sentences.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Whoa. What?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Why would somebody get that on themselves? Take it back.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
The what?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Dude, I would have. I think I was pretending on my iPhone. I was like... Yeah, go ahead, Jimmy. Dude, I was in the aisle of, like, just the duct tape aisle, and I was trying to flex.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Well, because there was all these couples. There was all these couples just walking around with that, like, lost... It was like we got... It was, like, genuinely a fucked up event. Yeah, it sounds bad. Did you just go to People Watch and see what people were, like... No, don't go. I can't. I didn't go to just People Watch. I was fixing my damn house, dude. What were you going?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
To get boards for the windows? I was looking for some pre-cut. Not sheetrock, some plywood. I was looking for some pre-cut. 32-inch window. Standard 32-inch window. So, I went there to go get some plywood. But you and I, you know, this is kind of embarrassing, but I was hoping their saw would be there so they could cut my shit for me. Yeah. So, I go there. Dude, the Home Depot was flooded itself.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
So, they couldn't cut for you. So, I'm like looking around. You know, I ended up buying some pre-cuts. They weren't big enough, but I put some other stuff on there. You got done. I had a shopping, not a shopping cart, a big bed, flat bed. Yeah. Loaded with saw horses, a circular saw, sheets of plywood. Oh, my God. My uncle called me. He lives here. And he was like, what are you doing?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I was like, I'm at the Home Depot. He's like, dude, put all that shit back. I'm going to drop $10,000 at Home Depot. He's like literally a carpenter. He's like, dude, I can do that faster than you can go back and forth. Please put all that stuff back. And I was like, God.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Just, dude, having a fucking tape measure on your hip. Here's how deep the LARP went. He got me when I was in the self-checkout, and I had a fucking cart loaded.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
like steroid heads dude no there's dude cherry guys out there i'm by no way a sack king and i'm not i'm not the cherries i can comfortably be like that's not a flex to be like cherries but it's like nice did you ever see the video the bodybuilder i'm checking my nuts right now Yeah, dude. I can't check too hard. Mine are like robin's eggs. You know, like the candy?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Well, you know what I said. So come on in. Come on in. See your guests. See your guests. Come on in. You actually, you would love this. Come in. See your guests.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
See your guests. Oh my god, there he is. Holy shit. Oh my god. Hold on a second. If you guys can't see, the listeners at home, the lights are all blinking. Billy McCusker. You can sit. You can stand. Whatever you want to do.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, last time his leg was broken. Look at it now. John, if you're a fucking, you know. Good to see you. If your legs fail, you get a special ability. Yeah.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
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Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
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Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
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Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
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Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
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Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
No. All right. Anyway. I don't even know what you're talking about.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
No, no, no. Microburst in terms of the hail. We had apple-sized hail. Oh, yeah, you're talking about. Hello. At least learn about the culture. So we got smashed. I told them. I went immediately afterwards. Once the weather settled, I went to Home Depot to get supplies to board the windows up. Fully LARPed as a contractor. I had a tape measure on my waist. And then I had all this shit.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I had the plywood. I had a circular saw. I had some blades. What teeth blades do you prefer on the circ saw? I mean, yeah, I think I had like 30, 30, 52 teeth.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Well, it's funny because they did have, they had like four by two or two by, and I'd have to be like, what's that an inch? So then I loaded up this flathead because I had to board up my windows. Why did you have to do it? So I'm the man of the house. That's like a no brainer. The whole, what are you talking about? Just pay someone to do that. Yeah. But dude, it was like, you don't understand, man.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Mine are like robin's eggs.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Like the whole neighborhood, we had probably 25 windows out on our block. So like everyone was slammed.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I was like, now I always wanted like saw horses and like circular saw my ball at all. I had my cart in the self checkout. Uncle Joe called me and was like, bro, put it all back. Cause he had talked to Brittany and Brittany's like, please help. Please stop him. I would have cut my finger. I have, I guess like a little pitch thing behind my yard.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I would have been on like a, I would have cut my arm off. So I had, dude, I had, I was deep in the LARP and I had my fucking tape measure on my hip. I'm in self-checkout and I get the, it's just my uncle called me. I put it back, you fucking loser. And I was like, I put it down. I had all this shit on my cart and I went to the lady. I was like, job's just got canceled.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
anymore but i'm just following the eight the noble eightfold way but the uh dude i i found out you can't steal even if you're a buddhist i'm like damn that's fucking bullshit nobody wants you stealing i don't think any religions like you steal they don't i've checked it i'm trying to find the one that does if you find it let me know until then i'm atheist again i guess this would be this is rude to suggest but in the church of satan maybe they would do without will yeah don't aren't they like no they're like they're nice
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Oh, so that's natural law brother.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Yeah, but I did beach the fucking thing. That was easy. I'd be in a car. I'm like How do you feel?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
How many days did I retain my seed?
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
must feel good like still in the mindset well here's the thing i still got the necessary supplies i got a pre-cut piece of plywood some uh i got some gorilla that was i was still i'd been completely just crushed by my uncle sunned by my uncle just him and my wife teamed up on me like put it back you fucking freaked and then i went to the duct tape aisle and there was a couple you gotta punch a window out in your house
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I literally got like handicucked by my uncle. Just devastated. But then I had to still, she's like, just get some fucking duct tape. And we're like, oh my God, good call. Good call, boss. And then I was in the duct tape aisle and I saw a couple and I still kind of duct tape cucked.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Dude, because they were looking at painter's tape and I was like, brother, you're going to want some gorilla tape on that. I was like, at least I got to still lark a little bit.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
But, yeah, I got completely crushed, man, in that storm. Dude, we got fucked up. I mean, I was waiting. I don't want to be the first person to say it, but we're Austin strong.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
I'm a bit freaky right now. I'm not going to lie.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Oh, he got it. His wife kind of gave me. Well, they were like, thanks. They were like, oh, thanks. And I was like, yeah, man, this shit. And his wife kind of gave me a look like, okay, man, that's enough of your duct tape rambling. Please get the fuck out of my face.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
My freak is all inside me.
Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Ep 562 - Goonicide (feat. Billy, Charles Blyzniuk, & Jon Delcollo)
Gotta try the sausages outside of the fucking bag.