Jordan Harbinger

So fear in service of what?

How can I use these feelings to be a better parent, a better friend, and a better doctor?

If it's true that you want kids more than anything else, then that's one huge way to answer that question.

And I do wonder if that would help transmute some of those feelings as well.

It's a really good point, Jordan.

And maybe that's part of the healing, you know, I'm just really struck by this massive conflict that she's in.

She wants kids more than anything else, but she doesn't know if she will ever be in a safe enough relationship to have them, which I just want to reiterate is at least partly under her control because there are men out there who do not do this stuff.

But also she's afraid of having either a boy or a girl.

It's just such a tough place to be.

She's really tied up in knots there, isn't she?

So my gut is telling me that this conflict is in part a reflection of, first of all, yes, this trauma, but also maybe some underexplored beliefs.

One way to cut through all of that, I don't know if this is going to mean something to her, but I'll just put it out there.

Her fear of having a daughter, I think to her that feels like fear about what might happen to her daughter when she grows up, right?

But it might be more accurate to say that that fear is the fear of having to be a mother who brings a girl into this highly imperfect world.

who has to bear the anxiety of knowing that she might encounter some difficult experiences in her life, including but not limited to those with men, and who might have to be there for her daughter through some painful experiences.

Hopefully not, but it could happen.

And her fear of having a son, like we said, she seems to be referring to her fear of having to raise a boy,

who might grow up to maybe mistreat women in some way, or who just represents this gender who has caused her a lot of pain.

But similarly, I wonder if what she's really saying is, I'm afraid of having to be a mother who will have to acknowledge the light and the dark in her son, and who will have to have some vulnerable and maybe uncomfortable conversations with him about this topic.

who will have to have faith that she can love this child even if he belongs to this gender that has done her wrong in a lot of ways, and even if he contains certain impulses or capacities that she finds scary or dangerous or off-putting.