Jordan Schlansky
Appearances
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Yeah, it is. Mine's a little different. I use a torch, so I don't have a big furnace of glass. I have a torch that I use, and then I get these glass tubes in four-foot lengths, and then I'll create stuff out of that. So I don't have a big furnace that I pull globs of glass out of. Well, you know what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
It's called Apex Design Glass. So I made that name when I was in high school for a web design business I was doing. And then I just kept it through my glassblowing business as well.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Yeah, if you look up Apix Design, then yeah, I got a website, I got an Instagram. I have a good little following of people who like my glass, so it's easy to find it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I'm in Vacaville, California, so near Sacramento, Napa Valley area. Oh, okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I don't want to keep saying bongs. I actually sent you guys a gift. What?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I'm a glassblower, a glass artist. So I work with, these are glass lays. So I work with glass tubing and glass rods and I create stuff out of glass.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Yeah, this is a scientific glassware. So like you'd find in really nice, you know, Pyrex glass. Yeah. So this can be used for, you know, it can go in the dishwasher. It's not sensitive to heat. So you can put hot stuff in there. No problem. This is extraordinary.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Which is a blue. No problem. I'm glad I could get you guys some stuff. Once I heard I was going to be on here, I really wanted to get something made for you guys.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Well, I mean, I got told on Thursday that you guys wanted me to be on here. And then by Saturday, I was finishing it up. And then Sunday, I did the sandblasting and I sent it out on Monday. Oh, my God. If I'm really, you know, really want to get something done, I can do it pretty quick.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
My main product that I make is water pipes. So I make bongs, basically. I see them back there. Look at those.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
um and uh we're very proud of this and we're proud of you proud to have you as a fan really hey thank you very much and uh yeah i had one quick question i was curious you know uh as a celebrity um i'll handle you know you um like when i get home i i like to do stuff around the house so like i'll help my wife doing stuff or i'll you know work on the backyard yep
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
And I was curious, as a celebrity, is there something that you go home and your wife's like, I want these photos hung up on the wall? Like, what do you do when you get home and you're asked to do something? Do you just call someone or do you take charge of doing stuff like that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
Okay, awesome. Yeah, that's what I wanted to hear. I was curious what you, you know, if you called like a butler to come help you or something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
Get Over Myself!
I started in high school, so I feel like everyone in high school kind of wanted or needed a bong. And I liked making things, so that drew me to it. I originally started, I wanted to do welding, but it was a little complicated, I feel like, so I went into glassblowing, which was even more complicated. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
There are many sides to me. And I think he would appreciate some of that. First of all, I don't care if he would appreciate them because I have no interest in bonding with him. Nevertheless. That's so rude.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
My birthday passed two months ago. I was being polite. Now listen to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
What fool in this room told Geddy Lee that my birthday was right now and I have to play along like a jackass because I'm not going to be the asshole that tells him, no, you're wrong. That's going nowhere. Well, you did tell him. You did tell him it passed. Well, I was polite. You told him it passed. That's the best I can do. I'm not going to flat out.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
What I'm saying is the man likes wine. OK, he has a preference for French wine. My I have a preference for Italian wine. Nevertheless, there are things that we could connect on. Should either of us want to? I don't want to. I don't want to. No, stop saying that. No offense to them. And I enjoy listening to his music and I enjoy listening to him speak.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
But I don't make any pretense that him and I would ever go hang out. Nor would I. I'm an introvert. I fear human interaction. I avoid it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yeah, I have one human being here and some nice gentleman over here, but I'm not talking to large quantities of people.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Some say the language of music is older than the word language itself. Music is a great unifier, much like food. OK, when we all disagree on so many things, we all appreciate music. I go one step further. I like to have the best version of music to listen to. I like my music to sound as good as possible. Back in the 70s, when you were growing up, you might have called me a hi-fi guy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
OK, first of all, of course, I would be polite. Secondly, if I walk by, wouldn't you be honored if I walked by and he didn't recognize me and he was sitting there? I would absolutely not approach him either before or after this experience. OK, I would give the man his space. I have no interest. It doesn't do anything. I'd rather go home, put my headphones on at 3 a.m.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
and listen to my favorite pressing of moving pictures and get lost in it than sit down at a cafe with a man that clearly wanted to be alone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
You know, I find that... Well, you and I are different. Maybe you're somehow consumed by the idea of fame. Nope. And also fame doesn't interest me at all. And also, as you'll know, a lot of artists, he's actually a very friendly, gregarious man with great social skills.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
But there are many artists are kind of at the other end of the spectrum and are more introverted like myself and don't necessarily want to connect with people. Of course, they do it out of obligation to their fan base. But yeah, so I don't need to impose myself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Fumpfering, you wanted fumpfering. That to you shows that, wow, I've done well. You've got the fumpfering from me. I'm saying I saw him. I acknowledged him. I understood. You acknowledged him. I understood the situation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I didn't expect him to know. I wouldn't expect that's not his job. He passes that off to other people. I don't have access to those other people. You put you put him up on a screen. So he's the man I made my case to. If you put the head of their catalog up on screen, I would have made a better case to them.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yeah, I do it regularly as part of my career.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yeah, I do. I'm a huge fan of the show. I was happy to work on it for so long because I was a fan of it. But I'm going to say very clearly, I have no interest in famous people simply because they're famous.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
That thought does occur to me based on situations that happen around me. But I don't reject you or accept you simply because you're famous. I don't seek out famous people. I don't feel any more exhilaration talking to a famous person than a non-famous person. Liar! Now, there are some famous people that I am infatuated with that I've never met.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
OK, Neil Diamond, Tristan Rogers from General Hospital in the 1980s. Jesus, what a list.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I can count on one hand the amount of famous people I was very interested to meet. John Williams, I've met him a number of times. Of course, the famous composer. He was a big one for me. Neil Diamond, I never had the chance to meet. John Ritter, I did meet. Wonderful guy. He was wonderful.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Oh, I got Tristan Rogers here. Tristan Rogers, Australian. He's Australian. Yes, he certainly has a beautiful voice. I don't know how old he is. 78. OK, that sounds about right. He I modeled my personality after him. I watched General Hospital religiously in the 1980s. It was him. It was John Reilly who played Sean Donnelly, who I met at the Grove once. The late, great John Reilly. Hold it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
You certainly extrapolated a bit. Okay. I gave you, I think you embellished the core of what I was saying. I just repeated what you said. The man spoke like music. You listen to the words that come out of his mouth and his Australian accent, and he speaks like music. He could play it all. He could play the mystery. He could play the drama, love, anger.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
That episode with him and Burt in December 1986, Burt Ramsey, his former police commissioner that betrayed him and became head of the mob, when he yelled at him at the end of that episode, that was like stunning. That changed me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
There was a time I sought out those old episodes at General Hospital. I tried to get the footage. It was unavailable everywhere. They would put out little retrospectives on VHS. I'm like, Luke and Laura's wedding. No one gives a shit about that. We've all seen it 50 times. I want to see the Aztec treasure. I want to see the Aztec treasure. Asian corner from 1985.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
We talk. That is our that is our venture here. We are here to talk different about this. You interrupt my talking, but that's the whole point. What's different about this pressing? OK, there are many back in the day before things were standardized.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
And you know what I'm saying? Two months.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I know he doesn't know what the fuck. I'd rather meet Tristan Rogers than getting laid. God damn it. There I said it. I said it. Get Tristan Rodgers. Who's Tristan Rodgers? Get Tristan Rodgers. All right, we're going to get Tristan Rodgers. I want Tristan Rodgers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
That's what you're going to do. First of all, let's pretend that as human beings, we're not influenced by the media figures we're exposed to every day. Like Tony Hopkins said in the Silence of the Lambs, we covet what we see every day around us. OK, I saw him every day shouting. I found him compelling. He had charisma. The charisma that I have, I learned from him.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
This man is cool as ice. OK, I don't equate somebody's talent by their level of fame, their level of objective fame. OK, he may not be the most famous person in this town, but to me, he's the most compelling. Can I ask you something?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Ah, yes, the ideal, the ignorant ideal. Let me explain to you how human psychology works, okay? Let me explain to you nature and nurture. We are a product of what we are exposed to every day. Now, you can look at this as a negative or you can look at this as empowering. We can choose what we surround ourselves with every day. These things will become part of our personality. You...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yes. This is a spoken word program. Is that correct? Yeah. OK, so I am speaking words. All right. That is what I was told the assignment was. All right. I'm here to complete the assignment. All right. Today, we're going to spend, I don't know, a half hour talking about the difference. Guess what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
are comprised in part of me because you have been exposed to me. I have rubbed off on you in ways you may or may not be aware of. We are a product of our environment. As strong as we think we are mentally, I'm true to myself. Your self is based on your environment. Every single human being that's around you, every single object becomes part of you. I am a part of you and I will always be.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
These have a very low gain, by the way. You need a very powerful mixer to extrapolate the proper sound. You can use a cloud lifter, though. which a lot of amateur podcasters do. And now they have a new model that has a built-in preamp. They're a little bit longer, they're shiny, and they say short down the side. What I'm saying is the fact that I'm shouting doesn't preclude me from being content.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yeah, I apparently am a radio host on Sirius XM.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
For anyone wondering what it's like to be a radio host, I'll tell you what it's like. There's no change to my life. There are no perks. I'm not even convinced we have a radio show. I've seen clips of it on YouTube. I don't have there's no mug in front of me with the Conan O'Brien show logo that has two meatballs that look like the orange chicken at Panda Express.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I don't feel you tell me we have a radio show and you think I'd feel some level of accomplishment to be a radio host. A goal that I never set for myself, but somehow found me. And I just have a normal life. I don't get free things. I don't get special privileges at restaurants. Just for anyone wondering, maybe you aspire to be a radio hosting. You think your life will change.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I'm here to tell you there is zero change.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I'm content. I'm passionate. I appreciate the things you've done to me. I'm self-aware. To you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yeah. Yeah, I appreciate them. I'm passionate about them. Look, people say apathy is the worst insult. If I shout and I'm passionate, don't worry so much about am I angry? Am I happy? Just just be happy that you're evoking a response. And sure, Mussolini shouted and he was just trying to get his point across.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
If that's the criteria for being a dictator, then, you know, I think half of the population is guilty.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
He he he happy birthday me two months late and call me by the wrong name. And I again, I wasn't expecting anything out of this interaction. So why do you keep mentioning it? By the way, this interaction, I didn't even know this interaction was going to happen. I don't think you guys have disclosed that. I wasn't aware that this was clear to everyone that you don't know what's
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
happening okay yeah I walk I walk into this room I was told to spit in a sit in a different spot than normal okay so there was an agenda clearly but I am fine with the way this interaction when I think I I think he understands now that there is an appreciation of his work yeah on a very grand when asked if he would hang out with you he said fuck no I I don't need to hang out with him yeah
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
You don't have to reject a date that you've not invited on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
It was released on various media, of course. Now, that's very expensive, so keep your greasy fingers off of it. You can touch the case. I don't want it on the disc, okay?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Well, I've known you for decades, and we've had these experiences before. So basically, I have in a quest. This is actually a very well recorded album and very well mixed a lot of dynamics. But in recent releases, those dynamics are squashed. There's a trend to make digital releases of music sound as loud as possible.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
OK, nobody wants their song to sound quieter on the radio or on a streaming service compared to the song next to it. You know, your body language makes me feel a bit rushed. This is going to take a while. Okay. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
This is not, this is not punchy stuff. This is a slow burn.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
OK, for anyone that doesn't know, we've been joined by Geddy Lee. I believe your original name was Gary Levy, Toronto, Canada, perhaps a man of Willowdale.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I understand. Nevertheless, I appreciate what he's done. And now I want to hear his work in the best way possible. It's really honoring him and his bandmates.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
All right. So I like a dynamic version. Now, my favorite recording or mastering of moving pictures was actually an original Dutch vinyl record. And there is a famous digital rip of that online. And I requested permission to play it on air and I was unable to obtain that permission. Are you feeling are you feeling at all unsafe right now?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
These men and their engineers at Les Studio in Morin Heights, Quebec in 1980, 1981, spent a lot of time to get a certain sound. They experimented with different techniques. Digital technology was new at that time. Their drummer, Neil Peart, wore a microphone taped to his chest to get a drummer's
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
And you bring up that iconic song, Tom Sawyer by Rush, that starts our show. I would like to point out that longtime listeners of our show may have noticed something a little different today in that our engineer Eduardo graciously played my preferred mastering of that song. This is not the readily available mastering that any fool would get on a streaming service these days. Any fool?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Okay, I have put a lot of time and money into seeking out the best version of all of my favorite music. I have bought probably 20 versions of that album on various media. Great. Well, better that than have your kids go to college. Yeah. These are hobbies. We all have our hobbies. OK. OK. These are benevolent pursuits. You spend your money on various hobbies.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Look, I appreciate the music. I understand that we don't need to know each other in real life. I respect that professional distance. Nevertheless, I appreciate the music. I have... Many things to say, which will go unsaid today and stay for another day.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Fire away. More so requests than questions. I've educated myself on most of the knowledge base out there. But of course, there are requests, certain material I would like to see. There was a 1990 concert at the Palace of Auburn Hills, Michigan on the Presto tour.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
It was shot by the in-house cameras at the venue and parts of it were released on a special album release a few years ago, but it wasn't the entire concert. I'd like to see the entire concert on video of that Presto show because that was my first concert April 1990.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Yeah, it was released under the name Through the Rabbit Hole. And I understand the artist doesn't necessarily oversee every aspect of this. That would be incredibly tiresome. And that's not his responsibility. His responsibility was to make the music. And then he has the right people that he trusts to take it from there. And I respect that. I'm not requesting that you handle it personally.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
But if it ever comes up in discussions, there is a call for that by the fans. And I would like to see the last some of the later albums such as Vapor Trails and Clockwork Angels released in a more dynamic form in 2015. The Abbey Road engineer, Sean McGee, remastered most of their catalog from their Mercury years and then some of the later releases as well. But he never got to those two.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
And there isn't really there aren't really good dynamic releases of those. I would like to hear those at some point in the future. Thank you for your time and attention. Dude, you need to send me a list of this stuff.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I believe you have a collection of guitars.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I met him a few times. He's incredibly well-spoken. He's enjoyable when you listen to him speak in interviews, just the way he forms words. Those are called sentences, yeah. Yeah, but the way he puts words together in particular. Yeah, that's a sentence. He's a verb. He's an adjective. The man's very intelligent, well-spoken. I enjoy listening to people like that. I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I mean, I listen to him. He seemed like a nice, smart guy, but I think I'm just as intelligent.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
I think there's a conflation with the idea of fandom. So most people are fans and they feel like they need to meet the person. They need to hang out with the person. I'm a huge fan of Rush, but I don't feel the need to hang out or even meet him. Guess what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Geddy Lee
Right. Based on this presentation, based on what he was given, I would not want to meet me either. So you understand. What I'm saying is he's seeing a very limited side of me. No, no, no. He's not seeing a limited side of you. That is you. No, he is seeing what was just presented to him. What was just presented to him is you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
See, that's your curse. You bring so much curse, curse, blessing. I say you bring so much joy. You bring so much joy and you have such an extraordinary mind. But your curse is you can't shut it off and you're tortured 24 seven by cracking jokes, by feeling the need to crack jokes to every emotional event that happens.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I'm saying there's a time and a place for everything. There are times that I want gems.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You're wearing a nice hat. That's right. One may think after so many decades that your extraordinary mind doesn't necessarily impress me on a daily basis. Even I have thought these things sometimes. But then every once in a while, there's something like the Hot Ones appearance, and I'm newly amazed all over again. fantastic masterclass. Oh, please.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I mean, there's so there's so much to say about it. I appreciated the show. I appreciated the host. I appreciated a quality of the host that reminded me of you back on the old late night show in that in the late night show, you created a venue to showcase comedy and let that comedy shine, even if in that particular moment, it wasn't you personally shining.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
They have a great format, very clever in that it disarms the guest and presents more accurate depiction of the true guest. But they also, as much as their format, they're not rigid about their format. And they allowed you they knew you came in with material. Your great strength was you were always there as much or as little as your guest needed you to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
So if you had someone like Martin Short and Tom Hanks that came with material, you knew when to shut up and kind of let them do their thing. And if you're with someone that needed some assistance, you were there to give some support. And I think it's kind of the same thing. He knew that you came with material and he was happy to kind of let you run with it. It's a great sleep machine, by the way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
No, I thought the host was great. The host was obviously well-researched, which has been discussed.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Yeah. Well, we have free time on this show. This is free time. I have the floor. I have the floor. Whoa. This is what I choose to talk about.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Time to get in your clown car there, Binky. This show is a slow burn, okay? We're not looking for like hit, hit, hit, hit. People are just driving. They enjoy just like human conversation. You see, here we are. Here we are, two men. And we're just talking. You keep saying we're men and you keep saying we're human. We're two men. We are relatable to humanity because they look at us.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
They look at us and maybe we represent parts of their own psychology. And here we are interacting. what I'm saying is there are parts of us that are relatable to the listeners and, and you may think there's an expectation that we have to keep things moving at a certain comedic pacing. And I, and I enjoy just talking to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
100% improv. Great. Yeah. It's the real deal. Great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Would you like to? To echo what you said, I'm very particular about the products I use. I believe that one's life in part is defined by the products that surround us. We spend hours with these things, maybe even years. And aesthetically speaking, I like to have objects of beauty and utility around me. Now, I choose my products very carefully. And that is certainly true in the case of toilet paper.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Now, I've got some products here. that I want to talk about. Wow. That's a lot of toilet paper there. Well, I do buy toilet paper in bulk because, well, first of all, the need never goes away. Because you're a mad shitter.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
So listen, I choose my toilet paper very carefully, and I like this to be a once-in-a-lifetime endeavor, okay? I don't need to re-choose my toilet paper every decade.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
OK, well, this is a cliche and a theory by those that are uneducated. Sometimes a vinyl pressing.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
The conversation's over. Unless there's some new technology that needs to be introduced to the world. So many years ago, I sampled different toilet papers. There were the aesthetics. There was the design on the paper itself. Was it a quilt? Where did you sample them?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Over time, I purchased different items.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I decided on a on Charmin. At the time, it was called, I believe, Charmin Plus or Charmin Plus Lotion or Charmin Plus Aloe. And they've gone through many iterations of the name over the years. And it was basically they marketed it as having lotion in it. The lotion was mainly mineral oil. Sure, they put some Aloe in there just to say that they did.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
But the bulk of it was mineral oil, which is not an expensive addition. Nevertheless, when you're talking about friction. A situation which is inherently comprised of friction and abrasion. What do you mean a situation? What I'm saying is the use of toilet paper. Any any physicist would know that the use of toilet paper involves friction to objects rubbing together. You're talking about abrasion.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You're talking about erosion for all the environmentalists out there. There is a human bodily erosion when using any toilet paper product. Okay. Any toilet paper.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I know these are master musicians. Neil Young appreciates the value of dynamic range. It was featured heavily in his Pono music service. Nevertheless, sometimes the format itself is mostly irrelevant. OK, what is relevant is the particular mastering. So sometimes the CD will have the better mastering. Sometimes the vinyl will have the better mastering. I have so much to say on this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You're going to get erosion. You're wearing away pieces of your ass. What are you doing? Yes, you absolutely. If it's if that's where you're using it. What I'm saying, what I'm saying is.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Where are you using it? I use toilet paper on many areas of my body. What are you talking about? My nose, my ears. I use it to wipe. You use Kleenex for your nose. No, I use toilet paper for my nose. Sure, in a situation where I'm sick and there's an excess of mucus, I'll invest in a box of Kleenex.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
But why have a product that's good for one use when I can have a multi-use product like toilet paper? I use toilet paper for cleaning up the bathroom sink of the errant spills so as not to mineralize the countertop. I use it to clean up the toilet rim should there be any urine. I use it to... Urine? Did you say urine? I use it on different body parts. It's really a jack of all trades.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Do you lactate? What I'm saying is anytime there's a discharge, to me, toilet paper is going to be my first choice. Toilet paper is a big part of my life. See, some people take Q-tips for their ears, which, by the way, is unsafe. And now you have a second dedicated product that's only for your ears. What about toilet paper?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
What's the problem with using toilet paper to clean out your ears and your nose? Anyway, listen, I don't mean to go on too much about the secondary uses. Nevertheless, don't give me that deep breath. I understand that you're in a rush, but I have a lot to say about toilet paper.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Because you're talking... Get to the point, which is... This is the point. This is the point. I decided on Charmin toilet paper. They had a few varieties at the time because they liked to overcomplicate their product line. I went with the version with lotion, which turned out to be mineral oil. Okay. It's had a number of different... Now, the Charmin people, the Procter & Gamble...
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
People, they're listening to this right now. And those 30-something marketing people are saying, is this true? Did it used to be called Aloe and E? Because they only know it as Charmin Ultra Gentle, the common name. And there's one guy that probably knows that it was.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I buy my toilet paper in bulk because it never expires. I don't enjoy buying toilet paper. I don't want to buy toilet paper more often. I want to buy it less often.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Do they think you have an issue? Yes. Yes, I do get unusual looks. I'm used to unusual looks for a variety of reasons that never that never deters me. So I buy mine by the case. So I've got some cases here. I've got a back stock that I bought over the past few years. OK, now this is.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I pick the most damaged box because I like the boxes to look aesthetically beautiful. When I have an entire room full of toilet paper boxes, I like them to look beautiful. A lot of times you get shipping damage. Anyway, so the point is I buy them in these cases of 18 rolls. These are mega rolls.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Now, again, in a ridiculous overcomplication, Procter & Gamble has decided to offer different sizes of their rolls. They have the regular roll. They have the giant roll. Then they have the mega roll. The mega is the biggest. I've done the research.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
No, the mega roll. You would not a person of your course, visual perception would not even recognize the difference between a giant roll and a mega roll. But I do. OK, I look deep beneath the surface. Anyway, just listen to me, OK? This case, this case.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Yeah, this case of 18 Charmin Ultra Gentle mega rolls cost $19.99. I bought this for many years. OK, slight variations of the price up and down, but that's basically it. So recently I bought my Charmin order and I bought my 18 mega rolls for $19.99 and this came, okay? And I could already see the packaging is different and this is telling me, yeah.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
So this is telling me that something is off, okay? So something changed. Something changed. Instead of a case, now I have this package. And immediately I'm suspicious. And listen, I don't want to look for a new brand of toilet paper. I don't like change when it comes to my toilet paper. OK, a lot of things in life should change.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
But like things like matches, toilet paper, they don't need to change. So. The old Charmin Ultra Gentle, while the sheet size is the same, had 286 two-ply sheets per roll. Okay. The new Charmin has 231 two-ply sheets per roll. Okay. So the overall square footage of an 18-pack used to be about 51 meters squared, which Whereas this is only about 41 meters squared, which is a 20% decrease.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
So I get it. Okay. Costs are rising in the toilet paper industry and they've got to recoup. Okay. Now I don't believe they're being greedy. I don't think they're trying to impress their shareholders. I understand that the toilet paper cost of improves. Now they could raise the price 20% and then you'd have $24 and I'd get my same product. And you know what? I'd happily pay that $24.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
So say you. There are people. There's a community. I'm part of online forums. There's a community of people like me out there.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Because I understand inflation exists. But instead, they say, let's charge the same. Let's make the rolls 20% smaller. Now, you can compare the old roll and the new roll, and you'll see a drastic difference. You okay?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
That's correct. You know, as I was listening to that song, something occurred to me.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Why is your face? Listen to me.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
That's just my face. Now, listen to me. This clearly means I'm going- This is the new one, and this is the old one.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Okay, fine. That's, that's no bombshell. But the point is, why do I have to change my toilet paper roll 20% more often? Why I'm always going to need new toilet paper. Okay. It's not like I'm just going to buy one roll and be like, okay, that's it. I'm done when this rolls over. For the rest of my life, I'm going to be making sure that there is toilet paper on that toilet paper holder, okay?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
And why do I have to now... Because they have this marketing plan that are going to trick people into thinking that they're getting the same value. Now, I have to change my toilet paper roll more frequently. I have to buy more cases of toilet paper over the course of my lifetime. I have to maintain those cases and store those cases. Like, I just don't understand.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Just be upfront and be like, hey, we're charging $24. And by the way, the packaging has changed too. I used to... If I have guests... I like to put a six pack of Charmin unopened, sealed into that restroom.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
It's called the Jordan Schlansky Music Hour. I bring in my extensive collection of music. This is the Conan and Jordan show. Do you need content for this station? Because I have an idea. This is free content. I do an hour every week. And I play my favorite pressings of different songs. John Parr's St. Elmo's Fire. Do you know that the first note is upcut on most of the CD releases?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I'll tell you why. Okay, if you go into a guest room, you want to know you have enough toilet paper for your stay there. You don't want to worry that you're going to have to ask for more toilet paper.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Because that's implying that you use above the average amount of toilet paper, okay? Yeah. Six rolls is enough to comfort people. It's not excessive. It's like, no matter what happens to me in this week, I'm going to have enough toilet paper. Six of these? Six of these?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You don't have to use all six. You just know they're there. Okay? It's comforting.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Abundance. I like to show them that there is an abundance of toilet paper. Whatever happens to you while you're here, you are covered. Anyway, just let me get this out.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I want my guests to know it's Charmin because I want them to know it's a high-quality premium product, and I'm not just buying in bulk at Costco.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Are you getting any money from Charmin? No. Clearly not. I just criticize them. But at the same time, I do appreciate the quality of the paper. That has not changed. Nevertheless, their new packaging inside the outer package with the bear is just a generic plastic case. My guests think that I'm buying from like Costco or something like that. They don't know it's Charmin.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I'm saying if you are, if you are that person, I got you covered. If you're a normal person, you're covered too. Okay, so next time I come to your house. You're going to have plenty of toilet paper and you may not use it. And that's fine. I don't expect you to use it. But if you need to use it, it's there. You will never have to ask me for more toilet paper. Do you imagine the humiliation?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Do you have any more toilet paper? I gave you plenty of toilet paper. I need more toilet paper.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
That would be that would be unexpected. I don't want to give them cases. I'm not going to put cases in there. That's ridiculous. But I'd like to put a six pack. I have a question for you.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I have adaptive techniques, as Darwin has showed us. The key to survival is not strength, but adaptability. I adapt to any situation.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I believe in orienting the puborectalis muscle in a certain position to allow a greater elimination at home. And I have devices that yield this result at home.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
However, there's one particular one where the note is intact. Don't you think your viewers would want to hear that?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Okay, but when I travel... What erectus bone? When I travel, I don't have access to my devices, so I improvise.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I use a garbage can in the hotel.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I don't use the garbage can in the way you're thinking. I use a garbage pail to orient my body in a certain position. Do you understand?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I adapt to the situation. This is why I survive. It's not my strength. It's my adaptability. If I don't have a toilet stool to properly orient my puborectalis muscle.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Well, first of all, there shouldn't even if you're a human animal, a Neanderthal, and you wanted to.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
No one's ever said Neanderthal. I just said it. The point is you're supposed to be squatting on the ground, fully squatted in a fully squatting position to open up that puborectalis.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Yeah, so that simulates a squatting position, even though you're on a modern toilet bowl. Now, also, you haven't even mentioned how tall that toilet bowl is. You know, there's a variable height. I like to go with the Kohler Wellworth, 15 inches off the ground, no more. Then they have a higher one.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
By Rush. I believe, listening to it, that that's the 2015 Sean McGee remaster. He works at Abbey Road Studios. He did the Beatles 2009 CD set. Anyway, it's got good dynamic range, but I just thought of a new show. You know, I have a hobby that you may not be aware of. I collect various CD pressings from all over the world.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
That was your chance to put out a forest fire. I have some things to say about Andrew Groose since we've brought him up. Now, here's why. Here's why I think Andrew Groose has such charisma and is such a compelling person. OK, physically, he's a very powerful man, powerful and imposing. I think you like six, six, six, seven. OK, he's six, seven. He's got a great musculature.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
OK, I thought you were married. OK, OK. So his posture is solid. He feels like he would not blow over. But he is the sweetest, most gentle guy. And I think you're going to use are you going to use the term gentle giant? Yeah, he's a gentle giant, but it's his sweetness in combination with his physical nature that makes him so fascinating.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
a P is e was e was e was e was e was e was e andgres I . P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
And it reminds me of kind of Michael Crawford, the original Phantom of the Opera, who started in 1986 in the West End and then moved to Broadway in 1988. He was a menacing character. Okay. And he was terrifying, but he had an effeminate voice. He, when he would sing high, those notes, it's kind of like early Billy Joel before cigarettes got to him.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
If you look at the 1975 old gray whistle test performance of piano, man, his voice is so pure and high. And it's that combination of the masculine rough and tumble nature with that.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
But I think we should have free time. Like, I know you have scheduled things, an agenda, if you will. But I think we should leave time to just discuss things that are interested, that we're interested by at any particular time.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Well, me and you, because we are 50% stakeholders in this show. Not financially, of course.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You'll never see a dime from this. But in terms of content, I would like to think.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
you why is it that you wear that same shirt on every oh yes the uh the famous um practice of albert einstein uh excuse me it's einstein oh no it's einstein no he was a german i know but people just say einstein well i say einstein in the country of germany where he comes he said einstein you are not in germany right now you just say i don't need to be in germany i know how to pronounce the man's name it's einstein
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Well, now you've heard it.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Yeah. So modern music is generally standardized and whatever country you live in, you're getting the same CD quality. But back in the 80s and 90s, CDs in different countries had different sounds. They were mastered by different people. And I always pick my favorite. I've spent many thousands of dollars on this hobby. I have my favorite versions of moving pictures.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
As described by Jeff Goldblum in 1986's The Fly by David Cronenberg, Albert Einstein wore the same outfit every day so he didn't have to devote mental energy into choosing his outfit. We are weakened by every decision we make.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I want to avoid the up cut. Nobody wants the up cut. Everybody wants that solid first note. I'm fine with the St. Elmo's Fire that came out, right? You don't know what you're fine with. You take what you're given. You subscribe to compressed music services. I like uncompressed high dynamic range music.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
What part would you like? Just go. Growing up. Well, you know what?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I could see a new horizon underneath a blazing sky. I'll be where the eagles are flying higher and higher. You're under arrest. Yeah.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You know Charles in charge.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
The second season of all the sitcoms, like, let's take Perfect Strangers. Great, great theme song. Sometimes the world looks perfect. And then the second season, they always had to add this keyboard flourish. Or look at Growing Pains, you know, show me that smile again. But the second season, Jennifer Warrens has to join and make it a duet.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
And she doesn't add, like, her lyrics are the same lyrics that were originally there. She doesn't add anything. She just echoes the original lyrics.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Negativity doesn't lessen my passion for the things that I love. And in fact, it enforces it.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
My birthday was adequate. How did you celebrate it? You know, I am I'm a private man. Some say an introvert, some say an observer of humanity. I like to be the observer, not the observed. I don't typically publicize.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
In fact, the atomic CD from Mercury with the matrix number ending from three to five is my favorite. Anyway, so here's my idea.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Well, you know, I don't like to be celebrated in any way or acknowledge.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Right. What I'm saying is I don't like any attention. OK, I prefer to watch things unfold with, you know, sporadic participation. Yet I don't like people to know things about me and I don't like them to know when it's my birthday. And I don't like any attention that I might receive.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I mean, that's an analogy, I guess.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Yeah, I'm an observer. I'm a student. I'm a perpetual student.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
I don't believe in judging other people's passions, but that's a stupid hobby. Because no one listens to CDs anymore. It's an outmoded... Well, you like music. And if I tell you I can give you the best Beatles pressing, whatever you're listening to Rubber Soul on, I can give you a better version of Rubber Soul. I would take the 1965 Stereo 2 cut vinyl pressing by a certain vinyl ripper that I know.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
You know, there are different people across this great planet. And for any type of person, there's someone that adores them.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
What I'm saying is, while you may not appreciate all my nuances, there are people that do appreciate these things.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
A quiet time bucket? That there are some people that enjoy hearing what I have to say.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Well, I assume you got a lot of attention on that day, and I'll save it till I see you, and I can wish you a happy birthday in person.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Happy birthday. Thank you. That was worth the wait. But I am aware of your birthday. I'm aware of your, you know, April 18th, 1963. Oh, great. I'm aware that you're an Aries, Adias, if you prefer the correct pronunciation. Would you say, no, people just say Aries. Yes, they do. But nevertheless, I'm aware of your birthday. What astrological sign was Einstein? Yes.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
What I'm saying is, on your birthday, I take a minute. He was a Taurus. Yes, that's Taurus, you know, Toto in Spanish, Italian, the bull Taurus. But but my point is on your birthday, I did silently acknowledge to myself that it was your birthday.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
There was one moment in particular that I had anticipated, one moment in time. Which was? Which was that silence between the 20th century Fox fanfare and the opening music by John Williams. All I wanted was that moment. All you wanted was that moment? Out of two hours, I wanted that one moment.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
And I could tell by the person you were with, you were there in an ironic fashion. You were there to kind of look at the fans and see how they react to the stimulus. I knew what was happening.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
But my whole point is... I think you are the ripper.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
The part where you weren't cracking jokes in my ear.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
What I'm saying is I appreciate the place of humor in the world and certainly your humor. No question. But there are times where I want to be emotionally moved. Do you like is your brain? Your brain fascinates me. You're clearly an extraordinary man. OK, you know, there are times where you want to look at a piece of art and be brought to tears. Do you want do you cry at movies?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Like, are you always cracking jokes in your head like with this ironic stance? Like, if you feel emotion welling in you, do you have to pivot into like cynicism and kind of like deconstructing in a comedic fashion? I don't think I'm a cynical person at all. Do you tear up at movies? Like when you watch Interstellar, the end of Interstellar, for example.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
That's not going to happen to me. No. It's fascinating. I know our brains are wired differently. I just am always curious as to the extent of it. So you don't put on movies.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
That's me. What I'm saying is when you're alone and there's no audience, do you like, it's like late at night and you're watching like a movie, like the end scene of Gladiator. Do you, are you like cracking jokes in your head at completely inopportune times?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog
Oh yeah, I know the shot you're talking about.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm sorry. I respect inanimate objects, okay? It's like a Japanese mentality, okay? I treasure these. If they were sentient, I think they would value the way I treated them. Nevertheless, I went to replace this product when it was damaged. I live in the United States and I was served this Panasonic ER411. This is disgusting. What?
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
This is oversized. It's light and plastic. It looks like a rocket ship. The cutting mechanism I actually replaced. This had been discontinued, but I was able to buy the cutting part. I replaced it.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. This was an inadequate product. This was no longer made in Japan. It was made in a country that is arguably known for some lower quality production methods. It looks like a rocket ship. It draws unnecessary attention to itself. It's a bright silver color. This was what you would get as an American after the glory days of nose hair trimmers.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, one is silver and one is gray. We define ourselves by the objects we interact with every day. I surround myself with beauty, with high levels of aesthetic pleasure, and it's not only putting on beautiful clothes, it's also using a beautiful nose hair trimmer. It's also understanding that everything we interact with defines our life. So I wanted a well-made product.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So built is like milked, not built. I didn't build you money. I didn't build. I didn't help you build an empire. No one said you'd build anything like the second employee of Apple in 1976 is a multibillionaire because they got it in a time where Apple wasn't a sure thing. They were risking their potential future.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I was not happy with this product, but I thought it was my only option. So I trimmed my nose hair unhappily with that product. And when did this one commit suicide? You found this guy hanging. So then I visited the country of Japan and I found out that Panasonic sells a different nose hair trimmer model for the Japanese clientele. Oh, so they sell us the inferior one. The ER-GN10.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And look how sleek and stylish this product is. This thing feels amazing in the hand. It's perfectly balanced. It's reminiscent of my old ER-409. This is from 25 years ago. This is from today. Why do you know the serial numbers? And since I was in Japan, I knew that this was not going to last forever, despite the fact that it is still made in Japan in a high quality. So I bought spares.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And then I found that on my second trip, they had come out with the ER... It originally was the ERGN-10. Then they came out with the ERGN-11. I bought two of those. Hold on a second. Let me see this. Look at the beautiful... Just look at the packaging. I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products. Look at your eyes. You look insane.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Why do they sell this to Americans and this beauty? Why do they sell this disgusting rocket ship to Americans and this beautiful piece of machinery to the Japanese clientele? I just I don't understand the logic of that. But nevertheless, how many of these did you buy? I bought four of them. But now I can see you being a little worried that you should have bought a fifth.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You take what you're given. I don't know what kind of nose hair trimmer you you just buy whatever is available. I seek out high quality wherever on the planet it may lie. What do you even use to trim your nose hair?
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What does that have to do with anything? You don't employ a hair and makeup person. What are you talking about?
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay, so you may contract one intermittently, but I'm saying that's not going to take care of your nose hair on a regular basis. I use little scissors. How do you get rid of that quantity of hair with a simple manual device like that?
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
They could have chosen Saturday Night Live when they were offered an internship on one of two shows.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
There's got to be over 100 individual hairs between those two nostrils. Are you telling me? I use little scissors. How long does that even take? And it's a little bit curved. Are you confident in the quality of your work? I know that if I look in that nose right now and I show the light in there, if you're using manual scissors, there's no way you're accomplishing an efficient whisker removal.
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The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It's not often talked about. You have hair removal challenges. You have shaving problems and you always have. I'll come in and I'll see huge patches of hair on your face, isolated patches of hair. I don't know how, when you have resources available to you, I don't know how this passes inspection.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
They took the one that was on 13-week renewals. Now, you know, in that situation, like if you look at the history of the tech companies, the secretaries at Apple and Microsoft are now billionaires. Now, I kind of equate myself to that type of situation. I came in in the early days. There were no guarantees. It was a little bit rough.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'll come in one day, you've got like a little, you've shaved, but you've got like a tuft of red hair under your nose where your mustache would be. You've got like a random, your neck a lot of times have like, you have shaving problems. And just acknowledge.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You'll have a clump of hair sticking out of your neck in an arbitrary position. Do you want to know what the problem is?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not concerned with individual hairs. Hurtful. I'm just asking you, do you feel, if you can improve in some way by listening to the things I have to say, why do you have to ridicule? I'm not ridiculing. You have the means. Why do I have to buy it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not going to put a price tag on this. $100. If someone's doing something better than you, don't ridicule. Just be like, I learned something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh, it's Socrates. Oh, it's Caesar. I understand. Oh, you can be more efficient shaving your nose hair with the eHarchigan 10.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not giving it back. Don't expect that when we walk out of this door, I'm giving it back. You don't have to give it back. Do you want the ERGN-10 or the GN-11?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not clear on what the difference is. That's something I'm curious about, but it's written in Japanese, so you can get... Well, what's the latest version? Oh, I don't know. I'm going to guess if there's the ERGN-10 and the ERGN-11. I'm going to guess maybe the ERGN-11 is more recent. Maybe they're going in a backwards lumbering scheme. If I ever see the GN9, I know that that's a steal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I mean, these are just basic questions. I don't need to read Japanese or understand anything specific about nose hair. Just give me everything you have. No. You think you have more than 200 in cash on you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm just saying you have room for improvement. This is nothing to be ashamed about. This is something to embrace. I can help you improve.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And I expect at this point, 30 years later, I would be sitting pretty on a pile of cash.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
No, this is not what I use for my ass.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What goes up the old bottom? I don't remove hair in that area. Why would you leave that there? Why? I don't have any problem with that hair. What do you mean? I have no problem with that hair. Why do one orifice and not just... This one is visible. Well... This one is, you know, displayed. Uh-huh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I've got a AA in mind. You may not want the nose trimmer itself, but you could take my battery, I hope. Yeah, I'll take the battery. I mean, the battery's been in indirect contact with my nose and ears.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Now, you stick that up your nose, and if I hear a grinding sound... Hear that? Yeah, I hear it. Hear that? Yeah. If I hear a grind... You're clearly not doing a good job with your scissors. That was all left behind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh my God. Each one of these blasts has like four hairs in it. What do you mean blast? It just keeps going. You're just still in the same nostril. I'm still in the same nostril. So how often do you do this? Do you do this every day? Every Tuesday and Friday, I find it the most efficient days to remove the hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, you haven't even gotten to your ears yet. Ears? Yeah, do you still feel like your quaint scissor method is efficient? You know what, I have to say this is better.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And you don't have to worry about this disgusting device. And you claim that you don't learn anything or that there's no value in the knowledge that I have. And look at you now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You know, there's nothing that I can tell you that you haven't heard before. That's not of any value.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
No, that's not a level where you have the top advisors begging to give you their information. I remember when you had these personal trainers in the 90s, you had these guys like, oh, no, we'll learn. This is Will Arnett's guy like you. And I started to give you nutrition advice. Please. I think I've got this covered. I've got Will Arnett's personal. It was actually Will Arnett. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
No, Arnett was training me. And I would see these protein powders in your office and they were like low quality soy proteins with like incomplete amino acid profiles. And you're like, don't worry, I've got the best people in the business. You let me eat incomplete amino acids?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You have this theory where you're special and you want the best of everything, but you assume that there's nothing that I can tell you that you can't get a better answer on from someone else.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Who else in your life is going to tell you about the ERGN-11? No one else. What other soul on this planet would ever tell you about this? This cost me $200. Yeah. That's a lot. Well, you have to take into account that I cannot easily replace it. There was a plane ticket involved. I brought it into the country. I imported it. I mean, there's a lot of middlemen that were cut out of the deal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
If one is resourceful, I'm sure they can find a way to obtain it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
bag and you're carrying it around and it's sad i admit i have a bag with nose hair trimmers on it these are cool i mean this is you know i'm going to say something these are uh nice yes now i'm i'm going to go home tonight and my wife expects me she's going to notice your clean nose i presume and and she and not just today but going forward this device may last you many years
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Does this also work on the ears?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I have no recollection of looking at my buttocks in the way that I believe you're referring to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It doesn't concern you. Have you? Have I what? looked at your anus, I guess, is where you were going with this?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You know, speaking of Tracy Ellis Ross, she asked you about bar soap or liquid soap. You neglected to mention the most important factor in that question, the pH level. You see, liquid soap is often a detergent. Sometimes it's actually a soap that is to say a saponified fat. But often it's a detergent which has a lower pH closer to that of your skin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Does it go into a chamber at the top? You'll have to clean that out from now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Naturally, the problem with soap is that it disrupts the acid mantle of the skin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Uh, I'm pretty content to be honest with you. Uh, I don't really have any chronic conditions, psychological or otherwise. You know, basic human responses. We have fear and frightful situations, and we may feel anxious in situations that would classically inspire such a reaction. I wouldn't say I fall victim to a lot of the...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I know my characteristics and I'm I'm quite content with them. Um, you know, I know my limitations and my I'm quite familiar with your limitations.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, I'm talking about my own psychology. Your treatment of me over the years in financially and otherwise is a completely different subject. I'm talking about psychologically. I am introverted, which I don't think is any secret. And I'm certainly a psychologist. You'll likely read that right away. INTP, if you're a fan of the Myers-Briggs classification system.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, it's a good question. That is a good question. I get a lot of different responses. Do you understand? I'm going to guess that a lot of people get mostly consistent responses from those around them with, you know, a few outlying responses. But I get very different responses from different people. I find some people despise me and I find...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But I find that an equal, if not more, number of people embrace me. And I think that if you average it all out, it equals a normal person's response. But mine is a bit polarizing with equal numbers on both sides. And I guess there are a few apathetic in the middle that really don't care one way or the other.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I'm not concerned with being normal. That was never high on my priority list.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. I like to think that I'm a good person. And in the end, overall, I increase the quality of the lives of people around me. Of course, there are a few exceptions. Inevitable. That's just attrition. as you get in business and life in general. But I try to be a good person. I try to improve the world around me and my limited time here on this earth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But of course, I don't hit it out of the park every single time. And, you know, some people are easy to read, and I may have more of a stoic demeanor, even if it doesn't necessarily represent what's going on inside me. And some people, when faced with that kind of blank slate, find it often pudding and intimidating in a way. And I understand that and respect that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay, well, listen, Stephanie has made a very good observation, and I am different depending on who I'm talking to, and I do have many sides of my personality, and I truly maintain that they're all genuine, many sides, and the person I'm talking to often evokes a certain aspect, subdivision of my personality, and it is true that you consistently, I'm gesturing to my co-host Conan, evokes a certain response from me
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Whereas if I were just talking to Stephanie or some of our other colleagues, they may get a different response from me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, good question. Well, I'll tell you, Conan has a certain energy. Some may even say polar opposite to my own. He's very extroverted, very textbook extrovert. He feeds off the energy of others and feels drained when he doesn't get that response from others. And I'm exactly the opposite. And, you know, Conan, we are the same species, Homo sapiens.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But our minds are wired so very differently, it's hard to believe we're the same species. And when I watch him, and I like to observe human beings and humanity in general.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
When I watch him and how his mind works, I marvel at it because... In addition to his many talents, his many tangible talents, I marvel at how very different his mind is than mine. He he will go out of his way if we're on an airplane sitting across the aisle to get my attention, to yell across the aisle. And I turn his way and expect he's going to have some great witty quip.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And he just makes a ridiculous face at me. And that was that was so important to him that he had to yell across a crowded airplane cabin to get. And I'm thinking I would never I could have the best joke or observation in the world. I would never take that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I haven't become a multimillionaire despite getting in at the early days when I could have lost my job at any point, but still stuck with you through thick and thin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What kind of expression do you want in that moment? I'm just sitting watching the hours go by.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But there's nothing wrong with a placid pond. That's that's what you're missing here. You always need movement. But sometimes the the silence is where the magic is, the stillness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
OK, while I acknowledge that you and I have very different personalities, who's to judge whose personality is superior? You're implying that your own personality is superior.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I'm no psychologist, but to me, I detect an air of insecurity and overcompensation. I don't need to judge you and who's you're certainly an exceptional human being. No question about it. Thank you. And if you compare me to the average human, you might think that I'm a bit different and I don't disagree.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
However, when it comes to assessing which is the superior way to be, that's when things get a little murkier. And I don't know that we need to have that competition.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm saying Steve Jobs' secretary can buy this entire complex. Well, I prefer the term assistant. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
The convoluted premise that you used to get into these scenarios just baffles me. Why the nose hair intro? Why not just say we have a psychologist on the phone? Why do you feel you need to justify?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
At the time, she was probably referred to as a secretary. Nevertheless, I expect that there might be some kind of financial sense of accomplishment as opposed to my. Well, guess what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
If I was in the process of writing it at this very moment, then you could say you write a limerick. Any other context? I wrote a limerick, yes, back in the 90s.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, for those unfamiliar with the concept of a limerick, it's a specific. No need. You can just say it. Across Eyre, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled a cold Guinness, hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not qualified to answer that question.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I don't remember exactly. I believe it may have been a trip to Ireland. I've never been to Ireland. I'd love to go to Ireland. It was actually a pub. A pub. A pub in Ireland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I think you may be referring to a similar contest in an adjacent year. Nevertheless, I believe there was an essay one year and maybe a limerick. There was definitely a limerick involved.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And a limerick was not required. Listen to me. There's a marketing team at Guinness. I'm sure there are a bunch of 30 somethings and they get wind of this and they talk to each other. Is this true? Is this true? Well, ask Ron. He's the old time around here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
He was back here in the 90s and they go to Ron and Ron's, you know, kind of moved up the ladder a little bit, but never really achieved greatness at the company to the point where he could retire. So they ask Ron, was there a thing? And he's like, yeah, there's something about an essay. And they look up the essay and maybe the essay was 96 and mine was 95. Jordan, do
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I would never choose to write a limerick if I could have written an essay. I don't want to be confined to very few words.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
There was a contest for a limerick. It was specifically a limerick. Do I look like someone that would just decide to write a limerick?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And you decided to write a limerick. My limerick had nothing to do with Guinness is. I'm telling you, these were two separate contests. They had a thing. They went through a period where like every year they had a contest and there was a prize. Nevertheless, it's the same. It's the same intent. You write, you use your creative literary skills.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You're yelling. You're yelling. And I want you to take it down. I'm just saying I was not in direct competition with this woman, but we are compatriots. We are counterparts, maybe one year apart.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You know, I take your point about taking a pouring class because there is a very specific way to do it. There are YouTube videos of bartenders kind of trolling customers and pouring it the wrong way. And it's fascinating to see people know how much head's supposed to be on there. Not too little, not too much. Nevertheless, I don't drink beer myself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I appreciate the sentiment, even if the second line in the limerick had a meter that was slightly too verbose.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So I'm not getting a trip to Ireland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So how come you're not drinking any? I told you I don't drink beer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
liking the beer was not a qualification of entry. All I'm saying is, look, I appreciate the sentiment. This is a nice PR story, but let's look at the facts. I did not get a trip to Ireland. I certainly did not get a pub in Ireland. I got one can of a beverage that I don't even drink.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And in addition to the effort that I put in 30 years ago, you have, as you mentioned, advertised the product quite extravagantly. Nevertheless, I see four cans of this beverage on the table in return.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, I was asked to bring in a product that I identify with or that I believe in. I'll start by saying that I try to buy very few products in my life. I believe that we can live minimally. But the products that I do buy, I want them to be of a very high quality. I want them to have something special about them. And then I have to buy fewer products going forward because they last longer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Now, life used to be simple 25 years ago, okay? If you wanted to buy a nose hair trimmer in the United States... You may have bought the Panasonic ER-409. This is my own unit from about 25 years ago.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Sure. I don't have the exact lineage of it, but that's about the time I started trimming my nose hair. I can't tell you if it started growing in then or if I just became aware of it then. But this is a relic. This is an ancient relic. If you look on the bottom, you'll see that it's made in Japan. Of course, Panasonic's headquarters. I never thought much about nose trimmers, but I didn't have to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I simply trimmed my nose hair with that. And you can trim ear hair as well if you choose. And that was the end of it. It was a successful operation. Yes. The operation was a success. The operation was a success. And then this product was damaged. I may have dropped it. I don't remember. It may have just failed due to its age.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You frame yourself as a sophisticate, an academic, you know, an intellect, and you're a fool. I mean, this is like, this is like toddler humor, you know? All your training has led you to this. So you are revered in the world of comedy, the elder statesman of late-night television, Harvard-educated, many decades.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Okay, I'll tell you. The Lampoon, the Harvard Lampoon, respected publication editor-in-chief of some sort. Yeah, for a freshman, I think first freshman in the history. It's okay. It's called president. Anyway, let's get off to Harvard. All right, nevertheless, I'm sorry you have a sore spot about that. No, I'm not going to talk about it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
about where you, I don't know what persecution you face as a Harvard graduate. No, I don't know what the sensitivity is about. I don't know what the sensitivity is. I don't know if something happened to you at Harvard that you don't want to discuss. I won't bring it up again. No, no, no. Okay. So anyway, you're revered. Comedians look up to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
um and a sound crew and no i don't think we've been in intimate situations always we you and i are friends we've uh hung out not no i am we are you and i have socialized with no cameras present when a multiple times there have been numerous occasions where you and i have socialized name one i'm not here to enumerate things that should be self-evident to a man that was there for these experiences
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You, uh, your sophistication in the comedic world, you're a combination of the silly and the high end. Um, and all of that, background and an incredible resume brought you to a little classic Fiat Cinquecento with me playing the sounds of a of a human gas release. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah. It's called a fart. Yeah. Yeah. It was very funny. You couldn't call it that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
It was very special to me. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You know, I've been to Argentina now three times. And the first two times I went, I did kind of road trips through Patagonia. And Argentina is a wonderful country, wonderful people, wonderful culture, wonderful food. You know, there are some places that you go to and you say, I had a wonderful experience here and this will carry me through the rest of my life. And this was great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And I really treasure it. But I don't necessarily think I'll ever have the opportunity or need to come back.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Well, I know that regarding the culture of the Argentines, I'm certainly no expert. However, I will tell you that I know that the passion and intensity of tango flows through the blood of the Argentine people. It's on every street corner that we encounter. Tango. Tango. Tango. It's pronounced tango. Tango. Last tango in Paris. Last tango in Paris. Or more accurately, last tango in Paris.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Well, I have a respect for the culture and I try to honor the people and the way they speak. And if that infuriates you, that sounds like a problem that you need to work out. Okay, another time you got angry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You got very. Well, it's true. I made a mistake. If you'd like to believe I was angry, if that increases your enjoyment of the situation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You could believe I'm angry if you want to believe I was angry.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
It got like, look at the footage, people. My fascination with Japanese culture began with the Karate Kid Part 2. Now that movie was shot and took place in Okinawa, which is the southern part of Japan. And, well, Daniel was staying in a ryokan, which is a... Daniel?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You and I are friends, like it or not. It doesn't work that way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Oh, yeah, Daniel-san, played by Ralph Macchio, which is actually, the Italian way pronounced Macchio, but I believe he pronounces it Macchio, and I'll respect his decision.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
This is not hopeful, by the way. I'd be OK if we weren't friends. Nevertheless, we are friends.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I am shocked that you had our talent booker reach out to his publicist. You have the connections.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I do not know where Ralph Macchio shot The Karate Kid 2. It's Macchio! Because I'm a fool. It's Macchio! I am a fool for not knowing where that movie was shot. It's Macchio, and I can get to him if I wanted to. It's Macchio. Do you understand? Oh, yeah. I can get to Macchio. Listen to you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You got mad. OK, well, guess what? You got mad when I took you to a very special experience in Italy. OK, here's a real story for the people out there that they may not have heard before. This is real life listening audience. OK, I we were in Florence and I want to do something special for you. You know why? Because I have an intimate knowledge of that city.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And I said, I can provide you an experience that you can't get as a tourist.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No, no, no. This is this is what I this is the way I enhanced your life without you even being aware of it. OK, so I know that, yes, you can have a wonderful dinner in the city of Florence, but I knew a very special, magical place outside of the city in the town of Fiesole. OK, this is shortly after. I remember this. Yeah. And then I start, you know, I'm in the van enjoying our company.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
We're talking, we're having a real experience here. The night was full of opportunity. You know, this is a wonderful experience from virtually a local to a tourist like yourself. And I start getting questions about the amount of time that we were in the van.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Okay, so people start looking at their watches and say, this is taking a while. And I don't know what the rush was. I mean, we were done shooting for the day and we were off to a magical...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And I could vouch for that. OK, I'll I'll accept the fact that I lied. I'll accept the fact. Let's say it was longer than eight minutes. You became infuriated by the amount of time it was. Yeah, I think I got there.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
The GN makes like a sound like gnocchi.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Who's they? I pronounce it Lou Ferrigno. How do you say Hulk? Hulk? No. Hulk. Hulk? Hulk is an English word. It's actually called Hulk.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Bill Bixby, that guy could make me cry. I mean, that guy, the pain, the lonely man theme composed by Joe Harnell when he would walk off in the distance, Bill Bixby, at the end of every episode. Tell me that doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Even like a guy like you that's always looking for the joke in this situation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
He can't find companionship because he's cursed by this disease. He was exposed to gamma rays. He's cursed. He walks. He looks. He only wants companionship. He only wants to be a free man. Does this sound like you? Does this sound like you? Does this sound like you? Tell me Bill Bixby. And he was like a tortured soul in real life.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Bill Bixby that you could see when you talk about an actor and their ability to emote people think because he was on like a fantasy TV series, they kind of discount him. I mean, the guy was like a genius actor. How do you know he was tortured? You know, there are stories about his life. He had struggles.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Nevertheless, that guy was able to communicate these touching sentiments that are unheard of in a superhero genre.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, remember the bicycles on the wall? This place had bicycles on the wall.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
That was a normal exchange, right?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I know how humans are expected to interact. Do you understand? I've witnessed this. Do you understand? I spend large amounts of time. I'm sure you did.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I know how to play this game. Do you understand? I know, I know the rules. I know how to bend the rules. Yes. I know. It suspects a thing. That's right. I know how you all interact and I'm happy to play in your world. Okay. Well, just an admission here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No, I'm not. But are any of us really like us? Yeah. The rest of us in this room are like us. There's no us. No, no, no, they're not. People have their inner secrets, their inner deviations.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You know, I have another very special road trip that I take and, uh, I would love to share with, uh, you again in a very intimate setting. Um, I would, I found this great combination. I would fly to Paris and I'd spent a couple of days in Paris. You have your steak frites, you have your, uh, you know, your wonderful wines. You can, um, You can explore the city.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And then I would rent a car and drive through the French countryside. I'm talking about the Loire Valley, where you stay in castles. Now, these things are actual medieval castles that are now converted into lodging and hotels. They're not like Las Vegas made to look medieval. And you'll stay in the turd of a castle. It's an incredibly romantic and ornate in these large green fields.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
This is how you connect with humans. No, no, no. This is how you connect with humans.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Do you have a romantic interest? Of course I do. High romance. You ever hear of the romantics? You ever hear of the new romantics in music? The fact that you link romance with sex to me is very telling. It's very two-dimensional. Things are not always so cut and dry. I believe you and I have a very romantic relationship.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
That's not my business. The point is... The point is... Absolutely, we have a romantic relationship. You like to pretend these things away. You find yourself in this situation. I know you didn't plan it this way. I do not have romantic moments with you. I know you didn't plan it this way. Whether or not you acknowledge it doesn't discount the fact that it exists. Okay?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
We drive through the Loire Valley. We drive through Burgundy and we have local Burgundy wines. And then we drive into Switzerland through the Alps and we eat raclette and fondue. What's raclette? Raclette is a type of cheese that melts over a fire and you eat it. How do you get it out of the fire? Please, you're in the Swiss Alps. You're sitting in front of a fireplace.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
High romance, high romance, driving through the mountains. And then you drive into northern Italy across the Dolomites. And maybe you end up in a town like Venice and you may think, oh, we've done Italy. Well, we did Tuscany and Lazio and you mean yeah, Venetia. And it's kind of kind of got a flavor. It's all all of its own. And I've done this trip multiple times off and alone.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah. Do a restaurant? Do discount 2008? I don't remember any of this. Whether you remember it or not, it happened.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I would love to share that experience with you. Why are you always alone? Think of us galloping through the Alps. Galloping? Yeah, galloping through the Alps. Not on a horse, but on some kind of motorized vehicle, perhaps.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'm sorry, I misspoke. But just picture us just running. Remember the sound of music?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, but can you envision the sentiment I'm talking about? Like picture the sound of music, which was shot, of course, in Germany. But picture that in the Swiss Alps, you and I just running through the snowy mountains.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No, we're we're gallivanting.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No, we're gallivanting in the Alps. And then at night we're curled up in front of a fire. What are you talking about? We're wearing a blanket. You and I are not curled up together. Maybe gestad. You ever been to gestad?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
We have risotto and polenta in northern Italy. We stay in the mountains there. Listen to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'm proposing. I'm making a proposition.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You said you wanted to curl up with him in front of a fire. I would like to curl up with you in front of a fire. We're not intertwined. I'm not against it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Let me envision this. Let me envision this, okay? Yeah, paint a picture. All right, so there's a fire. Where am I? There's a fire. There's a fireplace. We're on the floor. There's a rug. There's some melted cheese on the log. Yeah. There is. There's an oval rug. Why is it oval? Because it'll fit both of us. It's an oval rug.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah. Do a Upper East Side. You lived on the Upper West Side. But did we did we have tickets to this Shakespeare in the Park? We came. This was serendipitous to understand some of the greatest organic moments in life are unplanned. We didn't know we'd have a magical night that night. Nevertheless, we did. You know, we remembered it. Yeah. We started out with a wonderful dinner, of course.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, we're going to be down on the floor and you're on the left side of the oval rug and I'm on the right side of the oval rug. I want the right. I want the right. Okay, fine. We're wearing flannel pajamas and we've got a fondue pot and we're roasting our bread. What are we drinking? Maybe apples. Oh, I'm glad you asked. You know, Switzerland has some great wines. They're very expensive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
In fact, many Swiss will buy like Italian wines because
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You're like concentrating on the wrong things. Our bodily positions are not necessarily important. What's important here?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Like spooning. Well, not necessarily. Possibly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I don't care. These are you're dwelling on the wrong things.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
If our bodies should touch, I don't even necessarily notice it. It could happen accidentally. That's not my goal, nor am I trying to avoid it. The point is, here we sit in Los Angeles in an urban environment. Now picture this is the wonder of travel. Picture us now in the Swiss Alps curled up in front of a fire together.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
That just seems so distant, almost like you're trying to avoid me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
That's all. Yes. Well, I have specific castles that I have stayed in and I would love to spend time in with you. And just picture large fields in France running through the fields. Why are we running?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
What I'm saying is when you see a large expanse of green grass, okay? Mm-hmm. France is like a green country, isn't that doesn't seem like a green country to you. Like, do you see colors when you like if I say like the number, like if I say 1983, do you see yellow? Nope. No. If I say the 1990s, do you see red? How long have you been experiencing these headaches?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
What I'm saying is you don't associate color with different words or places? No, I don't.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
1985, red. 1986, blue. 1987, green. 1988, yellow again. 1989, red again. You don't see that? I'm pulling the rip cord. Okay.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No, no, this is not a joke. This is a real thing. I see colors. There's no way. Frank, get this analyzed. When I see certain words or places, okay, France is a green country. I picture large green fields and you and I just running through the fields. MRI. You need to have an MRI.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
As opposed to computerized axial tomography, a CAT scan. Do you know laser stands for light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation? Do you know that scuba stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, of course I remember what I had. I had the Polo Scarpa Yellow. Jesus! Yeah, and I had the Tortino for dessert. Do you remember what I had? I had, by the way, a Brancaia Tre to drink. Well, that usually goes away with a little... No, no, no. I don't know what you had. That was your responsibility. But after that, we walked.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Look for the piano version by Joe. Oh, yes. Oh my gosh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
David Banner in the TV series, Bruce Banner in the comics. Changed on purpose by the series creator.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You came up with... You're a man that loves to walk, and that's a great quality. I love walking. Although you have access to many transportation options, you like to walk. I do. We've walked in many places.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
No, we came across. It was some kind of Shakespeare production backstage. And you and I stood there and we watched it. We stood there and we had a moment, a magical, magical moment. And then we photographed your apartment. You did this great thing where it was late at night. Oh, that's right. I remember you doing this.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
What I'm saying is you got paid. We don't know when magical experiences will happen to us. We try to plan these things. We say, oh, I'm going to have a special occasion night. And you plan and then things inevitably go wrong. And then magic happens when you least expect it. That night was magic. One of many magical nights and days that you and I have had all across the planet.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
It was longer than two weeks ago. Was it three weeks ago? It was longer than three weeks ago. It was a very nice young lady from Toronto. I love Canadians. I spent a lot of time in Ontario specifically, also British Columbia.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Where are you getting these incorrect facts from? No, there was no Canadian girlfriend.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
In what sense do you ask that question?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I was asked to do an interview. Was it cleared?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
People that needed to know knew.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
You and I don't have a line of dialogue for these matters. The people that needed to know knew. OK, I'm going to let it go. It was discussed. Yeah, it was. It was approved in all. I'm going to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I'm sure you want people to speak freely under your employ. You have nothing to hide. No, I don't. Yes. I have thoughts about the series as you do.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
My point is, I have deep thoughts, okay?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yes. Nevertheless, the thoughts are there, and sometimes people want me to express them. I express the thoughts, and no harm done.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I think in the early remotes, I was still approaching this aware of the fact that Conan was clearly my boss. And I was kind of I felt an obligation to be subservient and play the role of the employee. But I guess
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Gradually over the years, I've been able to put that aside while we're on camera and act just like I would be naturally inclined to act should someone approach me in the manner that he does. So in that sense, I think it's probably more truer to our actual relationship as opposed to like employer-employee. Wow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I would hope that any relationship between human creatures or even animal creatures undergoes undergoes change over time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah. So you I mean, if such statements make you feel more powerful, I'm not going to challenge them. They do. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
If you needed that reinforcement, you've got it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah. This is good. I thought you did a good job.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Well, the reality of the situation is, despite how it may or may not appear, speaking for myself, I love traveling with Conan. I love spending time with him. I love spending time with him in foreign environments. I do truly think that when
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
you travel your experience any kind of new event with someone you know it does bring you closer together you not only experience things firsthand but reflected in somebody else's eyes as well i genuinely have so many warm memories of traveling to argentina and other places with him we would have wonderful dinners and we would talk about you know the food that we're eating and and the local nature of that food and
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
the culture around us. And it may surprise people to know that we really get along. And I would like to think he enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his. Oh, wow.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I don't have the resources that you have. Do you understand this? I'm a man among men. Yes, a human man. I've got media trained in this regard. I do the best I can.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
I think it's a testament to our closeness that we can be at each other's throats and still endure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, of course I remember going to Italy. Do you understand? That was a pivotal moment in my life. But I'll tell you something about that trip. That trip was a part of my life even before you and I went. That was a trip that I had done many times before, and that made it extra personal for me because I was able to share with a beloved companion these moments that have been so special to me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Well, I think with any intimate relationship, there are going to be ups and downs. We've never been intimate. I believe we're intimate right now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Beloved companion? Yeah, you're a beloved companion. The point is I travel alone typically, and as much as I like- You travel alone? Yeah, I often travel alone as much as I like the freedom that comes with traveling alone in the moments of introspection, sitting in a piazza at 2 a.m. and just watching people go by and pondering the universe. You creep.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
The point is, sometimes you want to share these experiences with somebody. And I was happy to have the opportunity to share this exact experience with you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, Firenze. Firenze. Yeah. Say it again. One more time. Firenze.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah. It's one of those, you know, some countries go by the same name in English as they do in a native country. That's one that has changed quite a bit, hasn't it? Florence is Firenze. Rome, of course, Roma. Do you have any others you'd like to... Venice, Venezia.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, Pisa is actually the same. Yeah. Yeah. I just wanted to ruin your theory.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Yeah, Napoli. Very good. Yeah, that's impressive.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
So basically... Kind of a sending piece of shit. Yeah, when you ask... I'll tell you some of my favorite moments. Okay, when you ask, I've connected with these places on a spiritual level, okay, but often alone. And I'd come back and I would talk to you about my trip and you at least pretended to be interested at the time when we come back from hiatus. Yeah, exactly.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
And then to be there with you at La Logetta or some of these Sorbillo Pizzeria, some of these exact places where I've spent so many years was quite moving for me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Maybe it is. Yeah. We've certainly been intimate. You cannot deny that you and I have been in intimate situations.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Travel Memories
Oh, yes. Celli di Toscana. Yeah, specifically Andrea Bocelli's Celli di Toscana. And let me tell you something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, I don't feel like it accurately reflects my work performance. I think I bring value to my employment. I think I bring value to your life as a friend and compatriot. I think I'd like to think I'd like to think that your life is of a better quality for having known me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Maybe that is arrogant in some fashion, but I'd like to think we have a mutually respectful relationship. I certainly respect you. You're an extraordinary man.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Now, now what is the proper context for that? Let's be, let's be realistic. Okay. We've known each other for decades. Um, and we work in a very intimate environment, uh, many hours we've been through tough times and, um, Good times. Seen each other grow. Been there for each other through thick and thin. I've seen emotional damage. I've seen physical damage. What are you talking about?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I've seen injury. I've seen you concussed. Yeah. Yes, I've seen you in your lowest emotional state and your highest emotional state, often within a one hour period. Yeah. And and with that intimacy, with that intimacy, because we are human beings and this is not a robotic interaction.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Most human beings just what I'm saying is there are going to be ups and downs. Yes, of course. I respect you and I think you're a great man. Are you without injury to me? Have there been injurious experiences? Of course there have. And I accept that as part of the human experience. We can speak of them if you like.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, listen, again, we have to present proper context. Of course, I'm concerned about your health and your longevity, both from a practical financial standpoint and also a human relationship standpoint. If I see you partaking in unhealthy behavior, I'd like to think we're at a stage where I can mention it to you respectfully.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yeah, it started at the end of 2001. It was right after that. And by 2003, you had corrected.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Thank you, John. I can't confirm that I use that word, but I have no reason to doubt you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
When I called you the beast, was I referring to your physical condition or was I referring to maybe an emotional attack that you performed on me?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I don't even know anymore. Well, if you prefer to speak about injurious behavior, we can. You've clearly brought up something that bothers you, this comment that I allegedly made.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yeah, you know, I'm noticing right now on the right corner of your mouth, I'm curious, above all, scientifically speaking, you two are doctors. Doctor comes from the Latin docere, or in the ecclesiastical pronunciation, docere. It actually means to teach, which is perfectly suited to you two. Right. I'm just curious scientifically, how does it happen? Like you have a mirror, you're shaving.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
How do you miss such large chunks of hair on the corners of your mouth? And I'm not trying to insult you. I know conventionally speaking, it sounds like I am. I'm really, as a scientist, how does it happen? I'm just very curious.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
This is bad for both. Can I respectfully ask, which I think is constructive, if I notice large patches of unshaved hair on your face, would you prefer if I remain silent and don't bring it to your attention? Like if you walk in and you just have a huge patch of hair maybe on your head. Adam's apple, for example. You prefer that I note it internally.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, first of all, you're implying that the hair is growing out so much. I'm just simply asking you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I have seen it. I have seen such wild growth in a very specific area. Can I just say one thing?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Okay, I will be quiet. I will note it to myself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
maybe before taping. And bring to your attention your errors, your shaving errors in private. Okay, pause. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, I don't assume his intention was to miss the hair, so I consider it an objective analysis.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You don't know, right? Yes, I don't know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
It certainly doesn't matter, but I think when there's an elephant in the room, when a man walks in, who's 95% shaved and there's just hair jetting out of his cheek. I just think it's worth mentioning. I don't mean any insult. I don't mean any insult. It's easily fixable. It's not a slight on your character. We all make mistakes. I make mistakes.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
They're not related to large tufts of hair on my face. But I just think that as human beings, we have to acknowledge something so painfully obvious that was somehow missed. With all your technology, mirrors, you have lighting in your bathroom. But I'll do as you say and pull you aside and let you know.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
These are your insults that I didn't know where the Karate Kid 2 was filmed?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Ralph Macchio. It's Macchio. In fact, the C-H makes a hard C sound like Pinocchio.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yes. I imagine a world where one can share information, where human beings can increase their collective intellect by sharing information. I've learned some things. You've learned some things. You tell me what you know. I'll tell you what I know. So so you may not know that the C.H. is pronounced with the heart. And that's understandable. I wouldn't expect it to.
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Italian is not your first language, but unlike you. And you certainly know things that I don't know. Presidential history, for example. And we can share with each other and we can both come out smarter and more knowledgeable for it. I don't see the contempt. Yes.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
So you would prefer, respectfully, if I may ask, so I know how it's going forward.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You would prefer if I do not correct your mispronunciations, allow you to speak with your customary authority, even when I know that you are making errors. Or maybe pull you aside, right? Before the taping and tell you?
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You're just wrong all the time. I let him finish. I did not interrupt him. Even though my instinct was to say immediately, that is incorrect. It is the tango. You see, in Spanish and Spanish-speaking countries, known as Hispanic, which differs from Latin American in the sense that Latin American refers to only Latin American countries. Hispanic, it's any country that speaks Spanish.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
The A is almost always pronounced ah. So...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What exactly was the assignment?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, I mean, we're two men in an incredibly intimate situation. I think that we.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Intimacy is not necessarily sexual, although often is.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And the humor is really fun. This is amazing. I've never thought of it that way. I'd like to think that we represent the human condition with all of its ups and downs. Oh, my God. You said this speech earlier before they came in. People may find this realistic approach to life endearing and they may enjoy watching for that reason. I'm sorry I've hurt you with my... Misinformation.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, they didn't shoot it in Los Angeles. They shot it in Hawaii.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Okay, but you didn't say Hawaii, did you? I just said Hawaii now.
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The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I've improved myself. I'm sorry. I've improved myself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'm open to improvement.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You're right. Yes. You see, my intentions were never evil. Just as I know your intentions were never evil when you've committed injury against me in the past. When have I committed? Well, it's interesting that you ask because we spent the first hour talking. talking about the ways I've damaged you by answering questions by... Let him run just a little bit. Let's hear this. Go ahead.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Now, again, I want to preface this by saying I expect, when you're talking about decades of intimate relationships, that there are going to be inadvertent slights to the other person, okay? Uh... The year was 1999, May 1999, and the world had not seen a new Star Wars movie release in 16 years. And at the time, the Star Wars franchise was pristine. You have to understand, put yourself back then.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And they announced that a new Star Wars film would be coming out in May 1999. And I was a big fan. You know, my brothers were as well. And I decided to pull out all the stops and get tickets to an advanced screening of this movie a week before the public would see this. Now, you may think media screenings are all civilized, but when it comes to Star Wars, people still line up three hours before.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
So my brother came into New York City on the train. He spent hours. We got there maybe four hours in advance, and we just sat on the sidewalk together waiting for this momentous occasion. And we were one of the first ones in the theater, and we sat right in the center.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
judged how many rows were there we wanted the full surround sound experience we wanted to get lost in it and of course the theater filled up and i was thinking any fool that walks in now is going to be like in the back corner and i was envisioning the magic of that moment after it says a long time ago in a galaxy far far away before the john williams score do you guys have anywhere to go
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I was envisioning it bringing me back to my childhood. I wanted to relive what it was like to be an innocent child with my brother, okay? So about two minutes before the movie starts, I hear some commotion behind me. And this guy stumbles in with this like...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, they're not mutually exclusive concepts.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
brainy npr type woman with with him and they excuse me excuse me some woman is escorting them because they're like elite and there just happened to have been i guess someone left or something two seats right behind me in the center i had been there for five hours this guy stumbles in wait he's like tripping he's like tripping over people so he sits down stumble i wasn't drinking
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
No, you kicked people. You were like one of those people. Inadvertently, you tripped over people. So now you're sitting behind me and you start gabbing to me. And already, I don't want to talk to anybody. I just want to get lost in this moment, okay? So the lights go down and the 20th Century Fox logo comes up. And I'm thinking to myself, this is it. After 16 years, this is it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And that silence comes right after that fanfare before the flourishing music. And this guy leans forward and starts cracking jokes. This guy makes it all about him. He takes me completely out of the moment. He starts dabbing in the middle of the movie theater and you just needed that laugh. You had to take that moment, not knowing the history of what I went through to get that laugh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And, you know, he's sitting there chuckling and forever you've taken that moment away from me. Now, I know that it was not intentional. He may not have had respect for the situation, and most people know that they're not supposed to speak in a movie theater, especially something of that magnitude. I knew those sequels wouldn't be good.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And I think I communicated to him my interest in what was happening and my disregard for anything that he may have had to say. Will you admit now that those movies were not great? Yes, in retrospect, they were not necessarily as good as the first.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Are you asking me about these things? Are you just telling me that you dislike me for real and you dream about terminating my employment?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I am sorry if I have reminded you of your father. I'm sorry if I have brought you back to painful moments in your childhood when I told you how to pronounce Ralph Macchio's name. It's Macchio. No, it's Macchio. I am sorry if some of my information sharing has been offensive. I certainly didn't mean it that way.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I may have made mistakes like any other human being. I don't know that's a reason to discount my entire credibility. Going forward, I will make an attempt if I notice a large patch of hair on your face that you miss shaving, I will make an attempt to tell you privately as per your request. Thank you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Also, I will ask you if I have something to share that's relevant to what we're speaking about, some facts, Latin origins of words or other etymology. I will ask you first, do you want to hear what I have to say? I don't want to, ever. Well, it depends on the context.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Thank you. That is a very valid question. You see, I don't honestly don't look at it as correcting. I look at it as sharing information.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Let's come out of this as enhanced human beings.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I'd like to think that over time we have built up a foundation of love and understanding to the point where we can exchange information and not have it necessarily interpreted as hostile.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I see your face and I just want to smash it. I've learned. I've learned today. I've learned that you're in pain. And now I understand why. And I will envision you as a helpless child competing with other siblings.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I will envision you doubting your own self-worth. There's the contempt. Well, this way I understand his pain and his vulnerabilities, his weakness, if you will. Do you really? Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I can imagine. I put myself in his situation, okay? He's got a lot of siblings. Now, look at his father.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Some would say that's a healthy sibling interaction.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Never again. I don't intend to slander your father nor any of O'Brien's, Neil, Justin, Kate, Jane, any of them. You know them all.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I think it's 76 years. Haley's. Oh, excuse me. I have information about Haley's comment. Would you like to hear it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I understand from an entitled perspective, you may think you can move through life without worrying about obstacles and just go where you please, but there are icebergs out there and you do need to navigate them like any other human.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Why do you say I'm large? I'm tall. Why do you say I'm large? I'm a mesomorph. I'm very average. I'm medium. Okay. Moderate.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
It feels special. Something's going on here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yes. We're sitting in different positions. There's like a hubbub going on. And I don't know why.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And I'll say that I've never met you two before, but you have the air of incredibly kind people. There's something there's a vibe that you two have that makes me feel like I've known you for.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
What are the numbers? 99 and 130. Yep. What does that mean?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I don't know how this has been calibrated. I can't verify its accuracy.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
So these are evolutionary responses designed to protect us against a threat, against a large prehistoric animal that may be attacking us. Our body reacts in a way that will really ensure our survival. And my reaction to this... animal is in the end to benefit my own survival.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yeah, that's fascinating to me. International connection is, it's a great coming together of humanity from disparate cultures and communities. And this technology that we find ourselves surrounded with allows this to happen. And really, it just allows for a deeper human connection.