Juanita

What shouldn't I say? Hey, so I started working at a restaurant and I'm annoyed with my manager because she doesn't say anything to the little kids running around. And I used to be a corporate manager and I would lie. So I'd be like, hey, you guys, we don't want the kids running around because we have some broken glass.

Or, hey, y'all, we just had a service dog eat a piece of Oreo cheesecake and diarrhea all over the main dining room. We're going to want to keep the kids right here. Hey y'all, our buster's a registered sex offender. And he's really horny. And your kids are super hot. So we're just gonna wanna keep them neatly stowed right here at the table. Anybody uncircumcised? Yeah, me too.

Oh, I said a shoonashi.

No, I didn't.

Probably, you know, I have some voice issues.

Thank you.

Not for nothing.

So, right now, I'm working at a restaurant. Actually, I'm working at a restaurant. What are you doing at the restaurant? Uh, just serving. Just serving, uh, rotisserie chicken that costs $36 at a restaurant called Fresa's. Oh, I actually like that place.

Should I not love it? No, they're amazing. Actually, they feed us three times a day. They're amazing. They're a great company.

I'm trans, so that's what's going to happen.

I knew my whole life, but I didn't do it until I was, like, 30. Hmm.

Um... Oh, because, like, I got, like, a linguistics degree, and I wanted to be an interpreter. And so, like, I don't know. I just couldn't... I didn't know how to navigate, like, the professional and then, like, also being trans. So I just... I was, like, trans around, like, my friends. Were your friends trans? No. Right.

I actually didn't really, like, have any trans friends until I moved to Austin.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

How many of you Kill Tony people are unvaccinated? Don't get it. Don't get the vaccine. I'm transgender now. Didn't happen until after a second booster and a Bud Light. Drink Shiner, keep it local. Sometimes I like to go to gender reveal parties. And drown the room in negative energy. You don't fucking know!

I just thought it was really fucking obvious. And then actually, like, Amy O... It is, it is, it is, it is.

I thought you were going to be like, so what does your dick look like?

It's like, well, Tony.

Oh. How you doing? That's my dad name. You nailed it.

I'm a lady.

Sort of. My entire life. He's a lady. He's a lady. Yeah, my entire life since I was a little kid. Really? Yeah, it was a huge secret and then I didn't actually... Transition until I was like 30.

36.

Dude, I should have stolen more stuff.

Because I had a pussy.

Right now, I'm unemployed. Anybody got a job?

Yeah, but I'm collecting unemployment. I worked for a tech company doing translations, and then they had the same.

Yeah, like bartending or doing whatever. You know how to bartend?

Just like a classic, actual martini, so stirred, not shaken. Gin, dry, lemon twist.

Next bar job, yeah, I'm going to fucking do that.

I like doing impressions, and I like to paint. Okay. Huh?

No, I love you, too.

I'm kind of into gingers. You're into gingers? I was just kidding. I hope not.

What's her name? Nicole Tran.

I keep doing this.

When I was a kid, we did not play ding dong ditch. We just ditch our friend ding dong. That's very good.

I have a good Ty Rivera too.

Maybe like, I'm trying to think.

I'm doing jokes right now. That one's not as good.

Motherfucker, do you know what a royale with cheese is?

All right. The last experience I had was kind of embarrassing. I was working for a show on 6th. And this really kind of handsome, younger guy, he walked by and he gave me eyes. And he was like, you should go into our show. And so we let him in the show and I performed. I got off stage. He like hugged me and then like made out with him. And he goes, I don't think Mithra's gonna like this.

You don't think what? He said, I don't think Mithra is gonna like this. What the fuck's Mithra? That's what I said. I was like, who the fuck is Mithra? And he goes, oh, she's the goddess. Her and Yeshua, they guide me. I was like, are you homeless? And he was like, yeah. I was like... Wow.

No, I sent him home.

I have a more interesting one.

No, I like the big ones.

Yeah.

I have a more interesting one. Okay. Rick Diaz showed me what vanish mode was on Instagram. He showed me his wiener.

Well, I don't know if it was big or if it just looked big in his pan's labyrinth hand choking it. Wow. But it seemed big.

Yeah.

I was going to say, I do have Shania Twain as an alarm clock just to remember.

Don't forget you're a lady.

33.