Juicy
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Gott, es ist wunderschön. Wow.
Wow. Wow. How did you get Sungwoo?
How did they get it?
I'm not Lisa. I'm the mail carrier.
Sliced in half and filled to the brim? Pitless and shitless? Yummy dummy ding dong. Mmm.
Spirit, no, spirit. Don't they always say spirit? Spirit, spirit, spirit.
Oh, that's okay. Very good.
Oh, that's fucking gross.
This is Nightmare on Elm Street. Ready?
It? Oh, no. Love you all.
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.
Have a miss. Do it again. Merry Christmas.
I miss you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart. Feliz Navidad. Let's go. Another one.
Let's go. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Feliz Navidad.
Who are these two idiots?
The minority's first task is... Can you talk into the mic, please? Handling the catering for everything is one. You know.
I don't know if about... I don't know. Fucking... I don't know. I don't know about cults, I think. Oh, my God.
I know. Yeah, it was going so good. I'm in a Christmas mood. I'm not in a cult mood.
I watched the original Christmas episode a few days ago. It's wild how much smaller you look.
Yeah, I scrubbed through a bunch of YouTube, a bunch of Reddit. I downloaded as much as I could, and I cut together like a 73-minute compilation. Wow.
And I burned it onto a Blu-ray. So you could play that on any of your gaming devices that has a disc reader.
I mean, there's even more that I cut out. Wow. If you weren't the lead of a sketch, I'd cut it.
I want Fancy to be able to appreciate some real cinema. So I also got Fancy a Best of Bobby. That is nice.
No, I actually just made the cover twice. There's not a real one in there.
No, that's actually an SNL The Best of Chris Farley disc. Which is way better. Thank you.
A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends.
He goes, I'm halfway through it. Don't like it.
That's why I don't want to go there. You don't know. Fancy, you don't know. She's looking for love.
He never had texted me. What? You never texted me.
Yay! Ciao. I'm in Italy. But this week, I will be in Edmonton and Winnipeg, Canada. Come see me, Edmonton and Winnipeg. Go to andrewsantino.com. Hello.
Nun, ich habe drei mehr Exams zu gehen und ich habe gerade ein B minus.
Ich meine... Wir wissen. Und du bist der Erste in unseren Herzen.
Das ist verrückt. Und lass mich etwas sagen. Was? Das ist das, was Bobby für die Pferde zahlt.
Die Mädchen sagten, sie brauchten keinen STD-Test, um zu beweisen, dass sie sauber sind. Was? Sie brauchten keinen?
Du bekommst die erste Priorität, wenn du eine Beweise hast, aber du brauchst keine.
Ich mache nur Haar, Shampoo, Konditioner, und dann Körper, und dann Gesicht, und dann brusche ich meine Zähne, und dann ist das alles.
Nein, nein, du musst nicht Angst haben.
Aber wie weißt du, dass du die richtige Entscheidung machst?
I think I am more open though. I know you are.
I don't even know. That's why I failed.
It's like about transcription, like DNA replication. Can you talk us about DNA replication?
You know what I mean? Like a scorpion. Right in the neck, dude. You're very buff, D2N. Oh, fuck off!
There's a video on TikTok about a girl that banged 101 men.
Why do you have that? That's Andrew's seat. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks. Oh, just push pause? No, no, no.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what Andrew likes. Anyway, you click, click, click. Opens up his butt. Okay. I know, he has back aches. Oh, my God. He has a spinal disc. What a gay little boy. He has a gay disc.
Toilet, remember? Yeah. Crybaby. How did he hit his head on the toilet? He got all woozy, like, ooh, I'm redheaded. I get woozy. Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah, like you don't visit when you go to their town.
Did they fire all of the? FAA, please.
Was machst du? I don't know what to say today, I'm just lying.
That's how we did it. Thank you, guys.
The good one. All right, come on. That was a good one.
Yeah. Have you heard about this? I remember that, yeah.
Yeah. You do a great job. Thank you.
Fucker, dude. What a fucking fuck fuck. Holy shit. I've never... Why are you laughing? I'm not. Yeah, that was insane. Step back from the mic. Yeah, step back from the mic. Jesus Christ.
The Mexicans are gone. Trump wants them out. Very good. Koreans won't budge. They'll scream and they'll shout. Oh, and then Woody Guthrie's like.
Hello. Welcome. You want me to sign your book? Hello.
Go shopping, eating food. Crab cake. Crab cake. I love crab cakes. Crab cakes.
It's clean, it's clean.
Were you a Dungeons and Dragons guy? Were you a D&D guy?
I don't remember how.
They got married after.
This podcast is sponsored by Huel. H-U-E-L. New customers can use code BADFRIENDS for 15% off plus a free gift.
Okay, but let me ask you something.
No, but I've had dinner with Jake before. And I saw it in his eyes. I've never watched it. I didn't watch it either. Isn't that weird? You know what it is? We have to watch it because, you know what it is? I think it's because maybe I'm like, I'll be uncomfortable, but I'm into that kind of love.
Yeah. Let me ask you something. I'll see if they call. This is so annoying. Why wouldn't I get invited? Because you're not, he knows. What does he know? I'm more, you know, educated when it comes to the, you know, I mean, economics and jurisdictions and, you know what I mean? Tariffs and whatnot.
Well, he knows about my expertise on all things. Not just golf and bowling.
He golfs more than he does presidential shit. OK, but I'm just saying he also when they see me on camera, they see the wisdom. Who's the most golfed president of all time? That has nothing to do with shit, dude. Did you get an invite for the president of the United States? I'm the guy. Fuck you. Shut up. Hey, that is crazy. I will. I can't go because we have shit to do.
I will go with you to work. Yeah. This is my wife. She was in a fire. I was burned. Yeah, she's not redhead.
My tits burned off. Yeah, and she loves plunging into lava. I'm a big plunger. Yeah, so that's why the distortion.
It's really pleasant to meet you, Barack. I mean, Donald. I fucked up already.
Oh, my God. Who else is my crew? I have to know who my crew is. They're not going to tell you.
Oh, my God. This is so exciting. I've never had anything. You know, honestly, dude, if this is false, you're going to break my heart. If it's one of your little shenanigans.
You have to be a squirrel and you have to take the nut and you have to put it in the tree hole.
But a lot of people get confused like, oh, I don't know much about it. You don't need to be an expert. Acorn recommends a diversified portfolio that can help you weather all the market's ups and downs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to watch Brokeback. There's a couple of things. La La Land, I can't watch. Never seen it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, what movies can't you watch? There's a string of them. Like when you said Aurora. What? Whatever. Anora. Anora. Anora. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, you watched it. Never saw it. Oh. Because of you. It's worth a watch. Yeah, yeah. And so there's just certain movies.
You got to go to ZocDoc and I'll tell you what it is. ZocDoc is a free app, Andrew, and website where you can search and compare high quality network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.
Wow. And appointments made through ZocTalk, Andrew, I don't know if you know this, also happen super fast. Yeah. Typically within 24 to 72 hours of booking, and you can even score same-day appointments.
Well, I've got to tell you something else before that. What? Stop putting off those doctor's appointments, Andrew, and go to ZocDoc.com slash bad friends to find an instantly booked at top rated doctor today. I'm not good at spelling.
Oh, I don't know. Maybe delete that. That was so dumb. No, it was actually really good. I want that out there.
Was Aquaman there? Yeah, he was. Were there dolphins?
Baby Girl. I can't watch it. I buy it.
No, I can't do it like that. All right, so where do I do it?
It's insane. And the fucking, you know what? Enough of the fucking Korean deer, this shit. I get tagged. Anyone that looks Asian, I get the same thing for redhead.
If they're acting. And also, can I just say another? All right, stop. Can I just say another thing, my friend? All right. Stop yelling out down syndrome out of your car.
why I'm walking down the street people just yell down syndrome and I don't even and then there's people around me and looking at me like as if I have it fuck you I get Bobby's mom all day long you do right all right by yell it out right all day long yeah it's like it's it doesn't stop I mean I sat next to our good buddy David Chang on the way back home by the way oh hello you love Dave Chang I love him so much he's the best you know he's he's in he tore his rotator cuff
He's in like an arm sling. That was cooking equipment.
Be like, I heard about your... I did wish him well. I'm sorry about your today.
I didn't see it. The first episode she's in Black Mirror, she killed it.
I don't think I have his number.
David Chang. Yeah, there we go. I'm going to say, what do I say? You compose it for me.
Yeah, get well. Get well soon.
Okay. Because if it's wrong, I feel like they're trolling me. These people are trolling me. These guys? Yeah.
Well, every year, I mean, you know, Barack invited me. Biden invited me. You know, every president invites me, you know? So it's just my thing. Cool. But I'm a man of the world. And you're not. You're like America, you know? Yeah. You're going to the White House. America. Yeah. I've also seen other places. Where? Macon. The guy right back there? No, the Paris guy. Macon. Macron? Macron. Macaroon.
Macaroon. It's delicious. Have you met Croissant? I have. I have. No, you know, come on. I would never go to anywhere like that. This might end the show, actually.
So good. Dude, I fit it. Okay, I'm going to tell you about that. May I tell you about Love on Spectrum? Yeah. Bro, I had a, I cried.
Didn't you get one for House Party?
We're 100%. Do you ever think that? All the time. Are you kidding me? Yeah, we are so dead in the business. But we created our own thing. Created our own show. Yeah, yeah. But we are dead in Hollywood.
Yeah. I'm happy we're going to be able to do it. But guess what, guy? I've been going to therapy and I've been thinking a lot about it. A lot about it. And I'm on, if I, look at my phone. What does it say? This is it. This is it.
Yeah, that's a good album. It's a great album. I know, but this is you and me together sitting here with our pals.
I am. No, don't. Now you ruined the bit. Why can't I do that? You are autistic. Yeah. I am, Andrew. Okay. Connor's the best. Connor is the king. He's the king. And also.
No, no. I just... There are two young fish. That's not what I'm saying.
There's two fish, and there's an older fish coming. Two young fish swimming along. Does it matter what kind?
Two clownfish baby baby ones.
I don't get the analogy. I swear to God, I don't.
You're a fucking piece of shit.
Did you finish the very final episode? I haven't done all of them. Don't do that. Don't do anything. Or can I just say something at the end of it, though?
I've been breaking out like a teenager. You got a little pimp? I just sit here. This one's a white head. I'm breaking out like TJ.
A lot of times you go, oh, well, we're doing this Hulu show. It comes down to, when that happens, it's going to be great.
You have to live in it now. Yeah. I mean, when I meet the one that, when that happens, it's like, this is it. This is it. I mean, we're, I'm living life now. We're the leads of our movie. This is water. This is water. Seriously, I understand. This is water. Yeah.
Yeah, he loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. That's what killed him. Is that true? Yeah, yeah.
I'm not going to ruin it for you. I have to say what I need to say.
Interesting. Okay, doesn't say that on there, but my point is this, okay? Um... Well, you know, I went, Bobby, you look a lot like Bruce Lee.
Could I say that I voted for Kamala or no?
Yeah, you can. But then would I get kicked out?
Good job. You have to bow. I would do it. I would be a bitch. You would, 100%. I would tremble. I would shake. Yeah, yeah. Your excellency. Yeah, yeah. No, but... This is water. I'm glad you're going through this in therapy. Well, it's because I went through some depression and then I was like, I got to get out of this. And then just go back to my techniques of being grounded in reality.
Because a lot of things you read on the internet or the things that occur in your mind aren't real.
Yeah. Yeah. You will listen. Um, he never will. Yeah. When Pete Buttigieg is fucking, um, president, which will never happen. So you'll go then. My point is, is this. All right. I want to tell Pete bad friends, fans this. All right. There would be no, I don't even know how to speak. Um, There would be no bad friends if it wasn't for Andrew because I'm so lazy and aloof, right?
So he organizes everything. And this machine, he's the captain of the ship. You know what I mean? You are. Take me to dinner. That's all I want.
I take you to dinner all the time!
What plans? What about plans?
But also, why can't we stay in these towns for longer? We are. I mean, they're so back to back. We are.
Oh, so we'll go three days in London. Sure. Then do the show and then go to Ireland and then spend the next three days in Ireland. Sure. Because I want to see your shamrocks and all that stuff. You know what I mean? All the things that you... You want to see where I grew up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out on the valley. Wait, because you know redheads have to come from Ireland, no?
How does the redhead thing happen?
Did you get enough sleep last night? No sleep. Yeah, me either.
That's one show we never did. Miami? Yeah.
You, me, Logan, we could have a good time there. Logan Roy? Paul.
Mine was squid. Dried squid. Yeah, yeah. I want to take the tentacle, the dried tentacle and just suck it through my mouth.
Yeah, yeah. Jake. Jake Paul, I mean. We had a good time, no?
What did you guys do in Miami? We went to Nobu.
That's it? And he came to the gig with me. He's like my handler. What's a gig? You performed? No, I did his podcast. But he acts as my liaison.
Wow. Yeah. You don't meet Carlos Hangout? No, you don't. Have we gone to other places? Mm-hmm. Yeah. A long time ago.
He's my best friend. He was my best friend. Before you, 15 years ago, he was my best friend. Wow. You can switch. You can switch best friends, I mean. Look at that sitcom.
Wait, did he used to do stand-up? No. He just doesn't know what to do out there. Why did he move there? I mean, you know, let's be honest. During this woke age of acting, white dudes took a second... You know what I mean? There's so many white dudes, and they're using more minorities. Speak on it, brother. You know what I mean? This is good White House fodder. This will go far.
No, I'm just... His point of view. That's not my point of view. I'm glad he's out. Get out of here, Charles. But, you know, that's what happened. Well, you missed me. He called me. Who did?
You're on bad friends. You don't have to answer much, okay?
You're on bad friends. You don't have to answer much. You don't have to talk that much. I'm just going to ask you a question.
Is that email real from the White House?
It's life insurance. And it's sad to say we're all going to go. We're all going to go. We are. And with select quote, getting covered with the right policy for you is easier and more affordable than you might think.
Hello, Fresh. Hello, Fresh makes it easier to fit quick, home-cooked meals into your schedule every week by curating delicious recipes like pasta primavera. Pasta primavera. Chicken Dijon. Chicken Dijon. And pecan-crusted trout, as well as over 100 seasonal snacks, sides, and treats. Fresh air is out there, baby.
I went to the Abbey. I was thinking about you. How does that feel?
Free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only. Fairies by plan. That's right. I got called to the White House to have dinner with Donald Trump.
Okay, but if these guys are playing a trick on me, dude, I'm going to fire them. Who? These fucking pieces of shit. Anyway, find out if it's real. Love you. Bye-bye. Honestly, one of the best agents in the business. Carlos, come here.
Yeah, because it's not real, right? Come here. No, listen to me right now, dude. What I'm saying to you is that it's like the donut thing. I don't like when I'm being tricked.
No, it happened all this weekend. How does my agent not know about it?
Okay. Well, then we're good.
If Abby doesn't pick up right now, I'm going to lose my mind. Right. Because it's just like, I've called her three times, she's not picking up. I'm her only client.
Is that email correct, real, the White House one?
I was invited to the White House by Donald Trump.
CAA. They emailed CAA and you. And you're tagged in it. Is that not real?
I shaved all my pubes down there to look like a little boy. I don't know why I did that. You know what I mean? Why? You can't say that? Did you really? You went, let me see. Why? You went flush? Yeah.
You're on the podcast, yeah. Yeah, I figured that. No, it didn't happen. It didn't happen. Okay, thank you so much. All right, bye.
I know, but when you did, oh, wow.
I'm so fucking mad. You have no idea how mad I am. Why? I texted that thing to a girl I'm hanging out with.
So what I'm going to say something is that in the last episode of, the very last episode of Love on the Spectrum. If this ruins it, I will fucking fight you. That's your problem. I'm setting boundaries with you right now.
No, it's not real. I was tricked by my employees. Say employees.
No way. You want to play these games? It's war. No, there's no war. Yeah, it's war for all three of you. Listen to me, okay? Bob, please. No, I'm being real. I'm being real. It's war. How? The donuts is one thing. You made me look like a fool in front of this person I'm seeing, right? You just met her.
Okay, I think it's fucked up. I don't like being tricked and bamboozled. I think that's the right word. He's never done anything like this before. So there's some bamboozling coming your way. But this is Korean style, right? So it's a little harsher, right? And there's some implications. What do you mean? Career implications. You know what I mean?
And there's a lot of like, you think that I don't respond to your texts now? No. What do you think is going to happen now, Chachi? 100% this, dude. She texted me again. Let me see what she said. The movie you wrote? What did she say? She laughed.
The movie that you wrote? With Benji? Never going to do it.
No. I'm never going to do it, I promise. Like his zombie movie, right? I'm never doing both of those things now, right?
Yeah, yeah. And McCone, you gibbering little goof face. All right? You fucking... I know things too, man. Get him, dude. Yeah, but I'm not going to say shit, okay?
That was really good. Thanks, Bob. But you know what? I like to cause laughter too. Yeah, you have. And I like to spread joy too. So I'm going to spread some joy your way on your expense.
Well, then close your eyes and your ears. No, we're on a show together. Don't ruin it. Don't ruin it for the listeners. I'm not going to ruin it. I'm going to say it as lightly as I can. Okay? No, listen. I promise. Listen, put your headphones on. No. Are you my friend? Not right now. Do you have trust with me? Not with love on the spectrum. You're acting like them right now. All right?
I remember all those things.
You know what? I'm acting foolish.
No, I'm not going to do that. I have to read it first. No, honestly, dude. You're right. Honestly, dude. That was really good. Thanks, Bob. You know what? I'm really going to laugh about it later. I'll tell you that.
Whoa. You said there was war. We're in a tariff war now? No, you said there was war. You hit me back, I hit you back? You started the fucking war. You'll see. Let me ask you about war. I don't know much about war. You're a general. Hey, boss.
No, Philip Williams. Philip Williams in this scenario.
Guy, oh my God. Belarus just shot a rocket at San Francisco.
Oh, I'm San Francisco now? Is that what I am? Oh, yeah. You know, I love San Francisco. On your tombstone. Bobby Lee, I'm San Francisco. Dude, that letter looks so good. It's fucking great. It's so great. Yeah. What a wonderful thing. Wow. Wow.
Yeah, and he said, no, what he got flack for is he was super a nice guy. Who was, Bill Maher? Donald Trump was.
Yeah, he was like, he's not what you think he is when he's on, you know what I mean? you know, on the side, he's like just a regular guy.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, I think you just destroyed this, this date that I, I destroyed it.
I'm the blind, following the blind toward a cliff. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How many times have you gone out with her? I can't believe I fell for it. That's the word to shame it. I was like, I felt like, and then slamming you like you didn't get invited. That was foolish of me. Yeah, it was. Wow, yeah, you would definitely get invited before me. No. And then the next time, I'll know.
What was the test like? What was I like?
That's fine. This is the worst.
time i've ever had on bad friends i look like a fool yeah yeah you don't look like a fool you know what i want to apologize look like a fool i want i want to apologize to everyone listening okay i did believe it was true i did gloat i made myself a fool right and i'm blushing right now you can't tell because when you yellow it hits red stays yellow and um yellow mixes with red yeah i'm blushing isn't that purple
And I want to say that I really bought it.
Yeah. That's why my face is brown.
And you're mocking them. I don't like it.
Oh, yeah. This is it. This would be a good opportunity. This is it, dude.
This is the beginning of the end.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in a good way.
Yeah, I am. So, yeah, I'll do your movie.
Yeah, I'll do your movie for sure. Hell yeah. And Andreas, I'm going to do your movie. Thank you. You know what I mean? Hey, call me.
So anyway, the last episode, there's a first-time kiss. I'm not going to tell you who it is and who it's with. Is that better? Just finish. Okay, there's a first-time kiss. And his reaction, his or hers reaction to the kiss, right? What? So the last episode, you know what I mean? An individual kisses another individual and the purity of his reaction or her reaction.
If I had a baby like that, no one would even know. Bob. Stop it. No, because of privacy. Right, privacy. Yeah.
Also, congratulations on... Arsenal FC for beating Real Madrid in the first leg of the Champions League. That's huge. We won 3-0. Declan Rice, two free kicks. Oh my god, they were beautiful. Two free kicks. This dude, Declan Rice, we bought him for $100 million from West Ham. Bought him? The team bought him. I didn't buy him. It is an interesting way to talk about it.
He's never made a free kick in his life. He makes two free kicks in one game in a Champions League match against Real Madrid. Think about the amount of head that guy's going to get. It was also at home. So the Emirates went crazy. It was like commentators were like... It was mind-blowing. They were perfect. The curvature... You're not going to look it up?
Well, he's a really good player. He's a very good defensive midfielder. He attacks too. But I mean, those two, I don't know what it is. It's just like- Say his name again. Declan Rice. Declan Rice. Yeah. And yeah, see, he's on the cover of it, of the highlights. And so Bukayo Saka turns to him and goes, he's like, what do I do? And he goes, Bukayo goes, if you feel it, just kick it.
Because they wanted him to cross the ball in. And he just felt it. And I'm telling you, dude. It was beautiful. You have to understand, Real Madrid, every person on that team is an all-star. It's like the Olympic basketball American team. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like that's what Real Madrid is. Wow. Yeah. It was unbelievable. I mean, it was probably boring what I just said.
It's a good-looking guy, this kid, huh? Yeah. And here's another thing. Stop shaming his girlfriend. What about what's wrong with her? People are like, you could do better, but it's like their childhood boyfriend-girlfriend. Who cares?
I would date her. What's the issue, Bob? People shame him going, you could do better. Like, you know, wags. You know what wags are? What is a wag? Wags are football girlfriends. Yeah. Wives and girlfriends. Groupies? Yeah, yeah. And, you know, if you look at like... She's not high on the wag list?
Yes, I would. We could hike together.
no you know oh good one like you know they're wags and then people um go they shame declan declan you know what i love about declan he goes she's the love of my life fuck off yeah and i love that yeah you know i mean you know let me see his girl why i don't understand the big deal here yeah me either like if you know yeah she looks just like the others Fuck you, dude.
You're the problem with society, dude. Oh, that's very interesting. It's like Andres' wife. They probably go, you can do better. But she's like, I'm in love. But I do think she can do better. I know she can, but she's like, I'm in love. What's that Japanese thing you're wearing? What does it say on your head?
You're so annoying. I know. Let's just say it, Connor. His reaction. God, you're fucking dead. I know, but that's life. Yes, Bruce Willis is dead in fucking that movie. You don't even know the movie! Yes, I do, dude. Sixth Sense. All right? And if you haven't seen it by now, that's your bad. It's been out. Yeah, but Love and the Spectre just came out. Burn through it! No. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, now, why would you laugh at that photo of these Japanese people laughing?
It's like somebody just made freshly made boba or something.
Yeah, I do. I watched the World Series last year.
You're a golfer. That's right. Yeah. Dude, you're an athlete. In another life, you could have been an athlete. Honestly, the way he bowls, it's like I've never seen anything like it. I do love bowls. The only thing that I can beat you is ping pong, probably.
You're done. No more nothing.
Good. You think I was fucking kidding? You're done, dude. You're toast, dude.
Anyway, he gets a kiss. Giuseppe wins one of the seasons of fucking Bake Off. Yeah, he does. Right? Okay, so he gets a kiss. Right, and his reaction, it's so pure, and it's like, let's be honest. Can we all be honest with each other?
That's so funny. Why did you do that? A desire to be youthful. And then I shaved my head to look boyish. And everyone's like, you look so boyish. And because of the losing the weight too, I kind of look boyish. You do look. Like data from the Goonies a little bit. Right. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like supplies or whatever he said. Surprise. Whatever. And so I feel youthful.
You ever got some good pussy before? Yeah, that's not pussy. It's a kiss. I'd be shaking. It was a closed mouth kiss. And he does this. And his last line is, I can't feel my legs. Oh, he has a heart attack? He almost died. He has a stroke? But what I'm saying is that there's a purity. And you and I, bud, we're so jaded. And we've been in the saddle for so long. We've lost that innocence.
Of the first kiss. Of the first kiss. And what I'm saying is that I want that. Do you remember your first kiss?
bleep bleep bleep bleep yeah and then she and then she ghosted me we didn't have that terminology she didn't shake yeah yeah that's her she didn't talk to me right monday at school why it was middle school really she was ashamed that she kissed me right and then two years later i was at a mcdonald's and she was working there and i laughed right in her face okay I did. You working here?
No, front desk. Listen, I wouldn't have done that.
I don't know why McDonald's works.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was the host. Party for one? Yeah, that was mean, what I just did, but that's the truth. And it's like, she ghosted me and I did that. And then...
Well, it's like one of those things where it's like- Because it hurt your feelings, obviously. There was a girl in Dallas who had sex with a lot of comics, right? And then what happened was years later, Russell Peters comes up to me and goes, you know so-and-so from the club, the girl? And I go, yeah. He goes, I had sex with her too. I go, I did too. And she goes, she didn't mention you.
So I'm embarrassing. And this day stops here right now. Right? I'm a cool guy. No longer not a cool guy. You know what somebody called me the other day? Zaddy.
I'm a Zaddy. I have style. What's the Z? I don't know.
I'm an older man, right? I'm stylish, charming, and self-confident.
Dude, that doesn't improve my self-esteem right now, dude. I'm trying to be real, dude. Frankly, you know what? I don't give a damn. That's not Casablanca.
Well, I never saw it. But that era.
I feel energetic. I'm in a very good mood, but I'm going to say something to you, pal, because you're my best buddy. You know what I mean? And your redness, really, I think about it at night. I know I just said that, but I do. I want the pain. I'm addicted to the pain. The pain of relationships?
Who owns you, kid? Who owns you? Yeah, a man's- I'm doing it wrong, all right? Would you like to be in chains?
I have a cage back in my mansion.
I got to ride the line there.
Yeah, but he had taught that. I will street that. Correct. Yeah, I went to Blockbuster.
You were learned. Like Last Tango in Paris, they edited. Do you know that they edited? Blockbuster edited movies because they're Mormons.
Is this real? Yeah, so when you saw Last Tango in Paris, I was like, no sex. I was like 12 years old with my dick out. Because I heard there's a lot of nudity in Last Tango in Paris.
It's a... Maybe there was like a R-rated version.
If you look in the mood for love, Wong Kar Wai, you know how they can't, they're in love with each other, but they can't. Yeah, they just can't do it. Paris, Texas, they can't. Brokeback Mountain, they do. And they do it good. When they do, they do it good. And they do it hard, but they do it sensual. I never saw the movie. Really? In my mind. You never watched it?
Yeah, that is true. I remember my school was that kid that, like, if you're gay, you're going to go to hell. You know, he wore that shirt, and it was a big controversy. You went to school with Trump?
bob we have a crazy present for you i'd love it to see it um this just happened over the weekend and we wanted to save it for the recording yeah but this came through your reps what is this i already got i already got a a trophy is that what it is no it's not a trophy well hold time out what's the trophy for borderlands worst movie ever they make trophies for that no it was imdb's best um ensemble cast
That's a political move. I put it in my mantle. Yeah, but that's a political move. That's insane. It doesn't matter. I treat it like it's an Oscar. I wipe it every day.
Is that Donald's signature?
I'm going to call my manager if it's real.
Yeah, call your agent. You can't go.
Call. Who? Well, who gave it to you?
I'm just going to call Abby. She must know about it. Oh, my. Because if she doesn't know about it, then it's not real. Why the fuck do you get an invite and I don't get a fucking invite? Dude, I'm very knowledgeable about our politics and tariffs. Yeah, I'm Chinese, dude. We're going to negotiate. Oh, that's what it is. He wants you to negotiate the tariffs. Yeah, maybe for Korea or something.
Wow. Yeah. Are you being fucking real right now?
Great manager. It's a Sunday.
CAA has a nighttime. Oh, fuck. Call your fucking agent. Matt. Yeah. You think Matt Black will know?
Look, he's copied on the fucking email. Oh, I'm going to call him right now. He'll pick up. He'll pick up for sure. I needed to get to the bottom of this. I'm so sorry. This is so weird. No, no. You've got to frame that. I've got to frame it.
I walk into the doctor. I say, yo. Give me that weight loss pills. Give me that shit that make people look skinny. I want that shit. And I ain't letting it go. He's the fucking best.
Head and shoulders, knees and toes. What the fuck?
That's what it is, you fucking bitch.