Julian Barnes

It makes no sense except that the defense from the religious

is God moves in mysterious ways we simply don't know.

We'll find out later.

That's sort of not good enough for me.

I remember very clearly when I thought that I might kill myself.

It was a few weeks after my wife had died and I was walking home and

I looked across at the curb on the other side of the road.

And at that moment, I still see that curb stone on a daily basis.

And I thought, of course, you can kill yourself.

That's permissible.

It's not unforgivable in my morality.

I'm extremely unhappy.

I'm bereft.

I'm lost, though I have many friends.

I think I said, or a friend said to me, I can't remember which way around it was, give it two years.

I said, okay, I'll give it two years.

But before that two-year period had elapsed, I discovered the reason why I couldn't kill myself.

I wasn't allowed to kill myself.

And that's because I was the best rememberer of my wife.

I knew her and I had celebrated her in all her forms and in all her nature.