Kathryn Valentine

So I made an appointment with the intern coordinator for Monday morning and spent all weekend preparing for one of the biggest conversations of my life.

Monday morning arrives, and I walk into the coordinator's office at 10 a.m.

sharp, ready to negotiate, just like the experts told me to.

I was creased, pleated, and pressed to perfection.

By 10.05, I had managed to accidentally offend the coordinator.

By 10.10, I was being told I was no longer a culture fit.

which meant I wasn't getting that job.

As an added bonus per company protocol, I was then escorted out of the building by security and deposited on the sidewalk.

My head was spinning.

What just happened?

It turns out I had accidentally violated the gender norms of negotiation and derailed my career in less time than it takes to get a latte.

That set me on a path to research the role of gender in negotiations because I don't want any other woman to be blindsided by the secret impact gender has.

Why?

Because we continue to use strategies built for men.

In fact, that's what most expert advice is.

That's what I did, and it earned me a VIP seat on the sidewalk.

Instead, you want to use what's called a relational ask.

A relational ask is easily the most well-hidden secret in negotiation until now.

Research by Hannah Riley Bowles out of Harvard and Linda Babcock out of Carnegie Mellon shows that when women use a relational ask, we are much more likely to be successful and we actually strengthen the relationship.

Research out of Georgetown shows that this virtually eliminates the risk of backlash.