Kevin Nealon

Jeez, you had the car running.

Do you have other projects going besides this podcast? yes, I'm hosting the Oscars. Oh, by the way, congratulations. I think I already texted you about that.

And true. Yeah. And true. It was very true. Because I know how you think it's going to go because I know you so well. Oh, yeah? And how's that? You tell me.

It's going to go. You think it's going to go horrible. No, I don't think it's going to go.

It's going to go horribly. Horribly.

So, yeah, thanks for asking me. The movie I'm executive producing at Sundance.

It's called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's a story, Conan, about these two lovers. It's poets. Oh, and you're executive producer?

If I had legs, I'd kick you. Oh, yeah, that's right up your alley. That is so you right there. Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to tell it to you again. Try to listen this time. Pay attention. Okay. What is the name of your movie? It's called Come See Me in the Good Light. Come See Me in the Good Light. Beautiful. Are you writing this down? Yep. Come See Me in the Good Light. It's a love story about these two poets, and one of them is diagnosed with an incurable illness. Okay.

And it's pretty much the exploration of their life, their love, their mortality, and life's moments. And once you see it, it'll kind of change your life.

Maybe not your life because you don't have one bone of love or mortality. That's not true.

It's about Andrea Gibson, the poet. I figured. And her lover, Megan Fowley. Yeah, of course. And it's directed by Ryan White. Okay, my question. Produced by Jessica Hargrave. And Teg Notaro. Oh, I love Teg Notaro.

No, no, no notes. No notes. I'm the one giving out the notes.

Well, I invest in it. I support it. I come on podcasts. This is your money.

And I hope that I have an interviewer that is open-minded and listens. Yeah, I did put my money into it, along with my wife, Susan Yeagley. Susan's great. You know what I'm saying?

B. It's B. I have nothing to do with it. I know, I don't.

I needed something to talk about when I came here, so I saw some of the films that were playing at Sundance. No, I'm all over that thing. I invested in it. Okay. And without that, it wouldn't have gotten made, unless you invested in it. But no, you went with the kicking with the legs thing. If I had legs, I'd kick you. I didn't put a dime into it.

What is the name of your character in this so-called movie? Chip Chutley.

Yeah.

And now you just told it to me. Yeah.

It used to be BB Kings.

Yeah.

Tell me about yourself.

By the way, I want to thank you for doing my hiking show, what, two or three times? Yeah. Hiking with Kevin. Now streaming on Fox Nation. Yeah. It's another thing that's not mentioned in the research. I don't know what's going on.

You know what? I'm not all about boasting what I do. You like to have everything in print. You like to direct everybody to what you're doing. Yeah, you do a podcast.

I've just started. Oh.

What is that? I think you're burying the lead. You've got a dirty mind.

That's a dirty mind right there.

How is this me in any way?

You gotta go somewhere. So, um, what were you going to say? No, seriously. Don't you love comedy? Isn't it great? There's so many different facets to it and styles. Yes. And somebody will ask me once, they'll say, or a lot of times they'll say, do you think so-and-so is funny? You know who I'm talking about? And I'll say, well, it's subjective.

You know, you can't say somebody is not funny if they're bringing in people and people are laughing. I disagree. I think you can say someone's not funny. To you, they're not funny.

So it wouldn't be nice if you would stand out in front of like a venue and people are coming in to see that person you don't think is funny and just warn them and say, you don't need to see this person.

But don't you say it's like objective. Don't you think that because what Sona thinks is funny. which is apparently everything you say. She's given you a lot of good chuckles too. No, she makes me laugh a lot.

Sona, do you disagree with Conan about that statement?

There are some people that just aren't funny.

Oh, okay. It's subjective. Okay. It is subjective. Because I'll say something, you know, if you're going by this guideline, like, no, this is not funny because, you know, this and that, but someone's laughing, you're pretty much telling them that they're idiots for laughing at that.

I would say that to people if they were laughing at the wrong thing. I'd say you're a bunch of fools. What about drama? Yeah.

Do you know how... No, I know. A lot of people would die to be on this show.

First of all, diddling is not a bad thing. Diddling is like meditating. Yeah, that's true. Have you ever meditated? I'm not good at it. I've tried, but I'm... How can you not be bad at it? You fall out of the chair? What happens?

I get that.

Because you seem... No, I diddle. I'm a diddler. Okay. Well, that's... Which also requires a chair. When you diddle. Okay. Can we please just talk about something that has some meaning? I'm doing the best I can. I'm sitting here.

I came all the way down here because apparently you couldn't get a guest.

I'd love to see it. Hey, you ever think that, hey, I'm at the top of my game right now?

Never. Rule number one. I say I'm at the top of my game. You guys are really lucky tonight. What an asshole.

Of course I do. Because people don't know what's funny, apparently, according to you. No, no, no.

Yeah. Do you ever think this is, if I died now, I'd have some great people coming to my funeral and making some great eulogies?

Because if you live too long, there'll be less people.

No one's coming. No one's coming. Even if they're not dead, they're not coming.

Sona will probably be the director of your funeral, I would say.

Will you be buried with your headphones on?

So I would want to, would you wear a V-neck sweater?

Why do people even wear clothes in a casket?

Do you know what I mean? Once that lid is closed, strip them down.

Get the stuff off and donate it.

And would he get a SAG insurance for that?

Do you watch, do you go on Instagram? Is this vodka or is it water?

I do actually have a sebaceous. No, it's not a sebaceous cyst. It's a, oh, what's it called? It's called a, can I come back tomorrow? It's called a, anyway, it's kind of a tumor.

No, it's not. It's not. It's not a tumor.

Yeah. It's, for some reason, I can't think of the name of it.

It's either that flower with the thorns on it.

Oh, the name was right on the tip of my tongue. Now it's up on the roof of my mouth.

And that's moving back to the molar.

I'll finish what I was saying later.

Have you ever been scrolling on Instagram and you come across these posts that are people dying? No, I haven't seen those at all. What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? Oh, is that why I keep getting this?

Oh my God, that's embarrassing. I am not on Instagram.

It's some sick, like, you know, person who happens to have those cameras on the freeway or whatever and a guy hitting a truck and crying out loud.

Or they're pushed, you know. And then there was this one I just saw yesterday. I watched it like 10 times. It is a guy with one of those suits that jumps off the cliff. A squirrel suit? A squirrel suit. And he's going far. He's going far. Yeah. And he's fast. And he goes right by the camera and then down in the canyon and smack, right into a wall.

Yeah. And you know what? I got rid of my squirrel suit right after seeing it.

I seriously, man. And I wasn't going off high cliffs. I was like going off the couch and stuff. All right. Well, this is that guy, you know, take a break. We'll be right back.

I don't know how many times it was. Cause I couldn't believe it. Another one was, um, these people up on, I hate the cliffs, anything high up on a cliff. Yeah. Somehow it lands in front of me at this guy and this woman, the woman jumps off like she's free falling and she's going to pull her shoot, but she kept falling and falling.

And then the two guys look at each other on top, shake their head and they look over the cliff and she's gone. No squirrel suit, nothing.

I don't know. It was like, you know, maybe she thought there was a bungee cord or something attached to her. Some of these might be fake, too. Oh, really?

Zim, zam, zoom. Let's back up. Let's back up to something. When you're finished with your silly, childish, look at me, bits you're doing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I guess I'm the only guy that says look at me. I know your style. What's that? I know exactly what you do. Let's hear a little bit about my style. I've been listening to you lately.

We've been friends since 1988. No, but I think there's something to you now. I know how you work. I know you're just waiting for somebody to say something so you could just run with some like venting bit and just go. And Sona is just encouraging you to keep going. And then it dies down. And then there's a last minute thought. You go back into it again. Yeah.

And the guest is just sitting there and the whole whack pack is laughing at you and you believe it.

Can I go back to something? You can't reduce it. Can I go back to something that really struck me for a second, that really surprised me? Almond butter.

Do you use almond butter? I do use almond butter, yeah. Instead of peanut butter. I know it's healthier. I like it better. I like the taste better. Peanut butter with jam? Yeah. Strawberry? Yeah. My wife always complains that I leave jam everywhere. It's on the handle to the refrigerator. It's on the steering wheel of the car. Yeah.

Are you done with the third bit you did in the last two minutes? I expected you to jump on that and help me with it and make it a little more dynamic and funny. No, no. But you just cut me apart. No, no, no. Have a little slice of fuck you pie is what I say. You're not getting anything from me. So would we be good on a road trip?

I don't trust you. Sometimes I leave the blinking on. Nice.

I like to go little bits, you know. You try to get to wherever you're going in one day, even if it's cross country. I wouldn't do that. You wouldn't. Would you stay in an expensive hotel or would you stay like in a Motel 6 hotel? Well, I think I'd split the difference there. Let's say you only had $500 to get where you're going. Then I think I wouldn't be staying in a very expensive hotel.

See, you're not helping me. I'm giving you an opening.

Oh, these are the gems? Well, everybody would say they're the gems, but you apparently are thinking about your last bit that you did.

Can we, what music will we listen to in the car or your truck, whatever we're taking?

She's also in an EP on this movie I just did called Cuts to Me in the Good Light. Mm-hmm. Will be out soon.

I don't. I'm honest with you now. I'm being honest. All right. My brother listens to 60s, and I'm thinking, I'm not going to listen to that, man. That's just too, that's giving up, you know? And then I start listening to it, and I go, yeah, I like this. I like this. Sweet Cherry Wine by Tommy James and the Shondells. Yeah. You know, maybe that's 70s. But, yeah.

But just let's, can you just ask me something serious? Like, you know, that's, you really want to know about me. And I swear to God, I will tell you exactly. And let's see if you can handle it.

That you don't even know his name. Gable. Okay. You don't need to like spread it around. Jeez, why don't you just give him my PIN number?

I don't really hear a question, though. Yeah. Why is it so difficult to break through to you where you don't even want to, because you don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. It's too difficult for you to. You do. You'd be the worst interrogator. You won't even ask the question to the suspect.

All right, let's say I'm a suspect. Okay. I'm in the interrogation room. Okay. Somebody just robbed a Brinks truck. It wasn't me. Well. What do you say to that? Okay.

You think a suspect ever says that to each other? That's a good question. All right, let me go back to that statement that you mentioned about my family. Yeah. Very lucky. I do love them, and I'm so fortunate to have them. And I think you feel the same way about your family. I think you do.

I think we're both hiding our true feelings, not just from each other, but from a lot of people. I think we want to be liked.

Yeah. Because I don't cry. I cried at this movie. Come see me in the good light. Okay, stop doing that.

And you know what's great about it? It's laughter and crying. Yeah. It's like unexpected humor. Okay. It's just humor.

Yeah. Yeah. When you heard the news about the Oscars, did you cry? I did. I'm still crying. You know what's interesting? When Eric Idle, our friend Eric Idle. The brilliant Eric Idle. Yeah. Can we talk about this? He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Yes, he was. And he said he couldn't even think about it or had no reaction emotionally.

But then when he heard that it wasn't pancreatic and he was fine, he cried.

Yeah. The relief. Yeah, you're holding it in and you have all that stuff.

And did he tell you about his father? What happened to his dad? No. He came back from the war. He'd been gone from the war. Got into their neighborhood, crossed the street, got hit by a truck. Mm-hmm. Oh my God. Yeah. A lorry as they call them.

That's the name of a truck in England.

You know, I went to school for marketing. I have a BS degree in marketing. And, of course, you know, honorary doctorate. Humane letters. But what was I going to say?

I'm just amazed. Yeah, we've talked about this.

Will you listen to me? I'm not even going in that direction.

You just took the, you took the sweatshirt.

No, I'm just amazed at how happy you are. And now you're telling me that you don't cry. And so maybe inside you're not. But, you know, it's such a relief. I think all of us will agree that it's a reason.

Maybe inside you're not. Isn't it great to cry? And it's such a release and it makes you less stressed and opens you up to, I think, to a happier life. And it shows that you're human and you have emotions. It's just human with an H. It's not human with a Y. Do you know what Tig told me once, Tig Notaro? Yeah. She said, you don't pronounce your H's when you say words. It's like, you know, humor.

It's humor. Yeah. And then I thought, that's pretty right because when I laugh, I don't pronounce my H's either. It's just ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. It is. It is. No. It is. Yeah. But you're right, I don't. But how would you say herb? I'd say it's an herb. No H. I wouldn't pronounce the H. I wouldn't say herb.

So stop pointing a finger. Herb is a guy, so. Herb is a guy. Do you think there's any herbs that grow herbs?

Have you, sir, at long last, no shame. Are there any herbs that are eaten by a guy named Herb? Well, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And I think, you know, I was going to come in here today thinking maybe now we could have a sensible discussion.

I like the dibble and I like the Bibble Babble. I do both of those. What? You know me so well.

You're not paying attention.

Hi, my name is Kevin Nealon. And I feel absolutely duped about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Terrible thing to say.

Why am I so confused that you can't carry out a conversation without going into a bit about hibble bibble or whatever it is?

Who would you believe? A guy who cries and feels his emotions or a guy that keeps it in and just gets angry at everybody? The guy that's consistent. Yeah, there you go.

Why does there have to be an analogy about everything? Why can't you say what it is? I think Eduardo just said. I don't need an analogy.

This is subjective. It's subjective.

First of all, congratulations on the Mark Twain Prize. Oh, thank you very much. But it is a prize. It's not an award. Seriously. A prize is like a Cracker Jacks toy. Am I right? It's a prize. Don't get all excited.

Is it in a box?

I appreciate that. At first you think it's a Mark Twain award. You go, you're going to receive a Mark Twain prize. Oh. Just dig through this. Dig through this Cracker Jack box. I was the honorary mayor. Where? Pacific Palisades. Oh, God. Okay. Way to bring it down, man.

Honorary, I said. That's ridiculous.

Why would you even want to follow that up with anything? Look at me. Look at me. I'm looking at you. You're the worst. Why would you? Why would you open that can of worms?

Well, yeah. Do you think when you asked me that, you knew where I used to live? You know where I lived?

Well, another opportunity for you to expose my life and my personal life and where I lived.

okay well uh but seriously are you okay is everyone all right did your place uh did you i was okay until i got here today okay all right but uh but you know you just undermine me so much i don't think i do let's not let's just let's say let's say this was our last life our last um i think this might be yeah we had a good run man well i worked hard you got lucky and uh

I think you opened yourself up to luck. And boy, did you get it. No, don't you think that's right, though? I think we both are unseemingly people that would be... This is proof.

Give me something I can work with. Do you call people pal more or bud? Buddy. I'm more of a pal guy. Hey, pal.

Hey, pal. It's an East Coast thing. Yeah. Just keep... I'm just trying to remember the name of that tumor that I had.

I said I fell off the shoulder of the road. That's not true.

Okay, I'm... No, let's go back to the question. This was our last day on the planet. We would open up to each other, right? I doubt it. Would you cry then?

Me staying here another minute? I think 30 seconds would do it. You've never seen a movie that made you cry?

So you lied to us all. Yeah.

Finish it up. I'm going to go get a glass of water.

Well, you said Mrs. Driscoll, the nurse. I thought, this is going nowhere. Yeah, and then my nurse comes in, and she says, oh, it looks like you bent it backwards. See, that's what you do.

We've already heard that part.

You know what I'm saying? Are you okay with me telling that story to other people? It's such a good story. Can I share that?

Remember when we had lunch and we were just both being serious with each other? No, I don't. I don't think I've ever had lunch with you.

I've never had a moment with you. Do you ever worry about your weight?

I don't worry about my weight. I worry about my height. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Do you think, um, I don't, Barron is tall, isn't he? Barron Trump.

What's on your mind right now? What's your biggest worry right now, besides hosting the Oscars?

Did you ever do gymnastics?

Yeah, I could do a somersault. I see people backflipping off of a dock. I think I could try that because what's the worst that can happen? Oh, well. Land on the dock. No, you would just, you land on the water somehow. You ever think about that? Nope, never. Maybe I'll leave something to think about in the future.

Uh, God, I'm going to, I'm going to be driving home and I'm going to think of a name that it's a benign on, you know, it's not threatening at all. It's a cyst. No, I said it's a tumor. A cyst is, um, like a hard nodule. Okay.

I'm not a doctor, but.

No, it's a, um, God, you know what? If you had a good crew, they would have looked it up already. You know, they're just sitting there with their mouth, a gap, a gap, a gap, a gap. It's a gape. What's the last new word that you learned? Um, Seriously. Sona, do something.

Koda, did you ever wake up and say, here's the word I'm going to use today? I'm going to try and use it like five times. Okay. I do something. Meningioma? Meningioma. What? Meningioma. Okay. They call it a tumor, but it's really just a, it's about the size of.

I feel like I've lost you. You lost me a while ago. I feel like you just depleted. You're not at the top of your game anymore. No, no, no. Who's the guest here? Is it you or me?

Kevin, you know I love you. So this could be our last thing on the planet.

Let's wrap it up with something that really is, you know, thoughtful. Okay. And meaningful. Okay. I'm excited for you. I really am excited for you. Okay. And there's nothing, there's no underlining, you know, thought here. No, I can assure you.

I can assure you through hard experience, there is nothing. You've lost trust in me. As a person that can connect.

And that's the problem. There's no problem. I need to change guns. No, no, no, there's no problem. But let me, I was talking about you for a minute. I think that you are- I tried to end it right there. You saw. You want to go out on a laugh first of all.

You know, I really do appreciate you. That's funny that you backed away from the mic when you started to say something nice. So far, our mics can't even. You are so talented. is that you always, people love you. Do you know the most watched hike I do, hiking with Kevin on YouTube, is Conan O'Brien. Oh. My son told me that. That's cool. That's good to know.

Tom Hanks, Jack Black, Paul Rudd, you. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Molly Shannon. Yeah. Yeah. But you, you have like, you are so famous. And I think about this a lot. When I go places, I don't get recognized. I think Conan would get recognized here, but you can go to Finland. You can go to China probably. And they know who you are. Yeah. Maybe. Is that hard to, to be that popular for no reason? Yeah.

What is it? I want to know. You can't let it be. I say something and then you immediately. But neither can you. No. Neither of you can. Because he gets it wrong. I get it wrong and I have to correct him.

Why do you feel like you have to win every time?

You want me to leave and you'll say, got him, got him this time.

That's the problem. It's like you're trading straight men just instantaneously. Did you see, he listened to you for like three seconds and that's a record I've ever seen him listen to somebody.

No, that's talent to be able to do that and get away with it.

Good dismount.

First of all, do you like to be referred to as Conan or Team Coco or Coco? I mean, how many names? Do you have licenses for all those?

Yeah.

In 88, 1988.

You are looking at me because I see for once your eyes are blue, and I've never known that before because you never looked at me.

Really, you're very blinky today. I don't know what's going on. I do tend to blink a lot.

I watch myself sometimes in TV shows.

And I find myself blinking a lot. So you watch your appearances on TV shows a lot. I can't help it.

I can't help it. They're that good. I am good, actually, except for the blinking. So listen to me. Yeah. Let's get down to it.

Let me just tell you something about how you've kind of come into my life a lot unexpectedly and not... So whenever I'm about to see you, I always second guess what I'm wearing because you commented once when I wore, do you know what I'm talking about? No. I was at your house or I met you for lunch or something and I had a sweater on, a V-neck sweater with no t-shirt.

Here's what I don't like about the way you dress. May I? Oh, yeah. You wear those thin T-shirts. So your nipples are popping out. And nobody wants to see Team Coco nipples.

Let me ask you this. Do you have a favorite when it comes to your nipples?

Because you interrupt me every time I try to talk.

Go ahead. When you're finished, I'll continue what I was saying. I'm done. Okay. Let's go back to the V-neck. Someone has a V-neck on, and I don't even have any cleavage, and I'm not hiding anything. I mean, if you take care of your body, maybe you know this. If you take care of your body, you're not afraid to show some masculinity. What if I wore a V-neck T-shirt under the V-neck sweater?

Does that count? No, it doesn't, actually.

Do you require a chicken to wear a V-neck sweater? All right.

I thought there were more, but okay. Okay. Yeah, we do. I agree with you. We have a close bond and we tease each other a lot, but I think we have a really close friendship. Why'd you cover your mouth when you said that? I scratched my upper lip.

You're so defensive and so insecure about everything. And I don't think anybody will argue that point with me. I am now about the nipple thing.

Did you ever know anybody had a third nipple?

Yeah, a man with a golden gun.

The extra golden nipple.

I worked with someone once who had a tail, believe it or not. What? I'm not kidding around, a tail. That's not true. I swear to you.

It was like a Doberman Pinscher tail. What? What are you talking about?

Oh, great. Well, that'll help on a podcast. Wait.

And this is, so you don't get it wrong, that's the butt. It's more like that.

My book is out now called I Exaggerate My Brushes with Fame. Yes. A lot of caricature paintings that I do. None of you in there.

I am so done with this topic right now.

No, come on. Let's just talk. Can we talk as two adults for a change?

Sona, you stay out of this. I don't even know why she's in here. I don't know why you need a backup like Sona. I come in here with nobody, and you've got all these people like your posse. This is my whack pack right here.

So I almost saw you at Sundance the other day.