Kristie Nova
Appearances
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Hi, Erica. Hey, there. How long you been doing stand-up? About ten years. Ten years?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I got a big one and a little one.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took a Ancestry.com test, and we are 12% of the same DNA. Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard. Gosh. Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse. None of them have ever seen a ballot box. Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas? They do. If you couldn't tell, I grew up prejudiced.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I thought everyone with Down syndrome was related. Just one big old family of thumbs. Did you guys hear about the big bankruptcy? You know, they employ all of the retards in America. What was that, Hooters? What are we going to do with all those girls? That's my time. Thank you.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Just visiting Austin. I came in for a concert. What concert? Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I don't have the intrinsic desire to pick the fucking flowers and that whole dress thing. I can't be bothered. It's me. It's not him. It's me. I'm the problem.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
The fur just gives that 12% retard. Fur, you know? Okay. Leaning out of that.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah. I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up. I'm so sorry. Hell yeah. I just get like a regular life.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I just look like I drive a Tesla. So it's, you know, it's the...
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I fucking love Teslas, but... Everybody that has a Tesla loves it. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Because this is the MAGA convention of comedy, right? Yeah. Just putting a bullseye on my back, I'm teasing. No, I just look like, I look like what I am. I know, I'm aware.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
No, so on stage, on and on. Stage time is five hours. He gets it. He's just trying to get me to say a year and a half. Red band understood.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
It's just confusing to me when people are like, eight years, and I'm like, but how much fucking time on stage? Your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I live in a smaller market, so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Real estate. It's just because you're working with them all day.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
In the same room, and he's hot, so it was kind of like, oh, whoa, a unicorn.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I mean, no, they interact with him, but it's more like a shared, you know. Yeah, we were teenagers, so, you know.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You know, when you're kids and you're fucking around and you're making dumb decisions.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You didn't notice that? There's this weird thing that some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finished.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I respect that question. No, it was always at his parents' house.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, it was a rough house. My bedroom was the carport of the house that was closed in at some point. Wow.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Do you just get to a high point to look for Jews? Or what do you do?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Well, do you think it's because they had a girl president?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
We chatted about guns. He's freaky as fuck. That's Le Maire's military detail. You were scouting the food truck.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, between him and the last guest, we had the whole fall collection, dude.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
No, he saw it and he's like, no one will think I'm a faggot if I wear this.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Can I ask an innocent question? Is this the latest in black-eye gene technology? No, I'm dead serious. I was curious. That is incredible. I know you guys had straps for a while. Now, a gully suit.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Hold on one second. He keeps fucking like going at the way. It's crazy. Wow. Bluer kisses the first time that he went. Are you OK, guy in the white hat?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I think he talked into the mic with his hairline at first. That was just...
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, you look like a billy goop. Your goatee's receding, too, somehow.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, you just step up on the curb. It's like, hey, honey, welcome back.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Can I ask you a question? So you were with somebody, you had a kid, and they became gay?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Right on. So why does she have to be with the kid anymore?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Hell yeah. My goodness. What was the angle of the crash, if you don't mind me asking?