Kyle Dunnigan

I've actually, it's funny you said this because I did tell myself that. And so I've signed up for a bunch of, like, too many classes. Like, I have a pickleball league.

Yeah, I'm going to do jujitsu, which I shouldn't do jujitsu. That's like a neck thing. No, do it. Do it. I'm like 30% neck, and that's like the whole thing. It's like neck holds. Is that strangling people? Kind of. And then I got, yeah, I went to a. Get into one that has chicks in it. No, I did a super beginner. Yeah. Although that's probably a creepy thing. But then like softball I like.

You know, it's going to have girls in it. That's a fun one. I like that. Yeah. Softball. But, yeah, so I'm pushing myself out there. I'm doing the things.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Yeah. Just be fun. Yeah. I don't go to massage parlors because... you know, they, I don't want nothing. It's hand jobs, right? Like I don't want that humiliation in my life. Which humiliation? Just like when they're like, you want, you want a happy ending or whatever. You can just go get a regular massage. No, I know. But sometimes you don't know.

Like I, if I, and I rarely go, but when I go to get a massage, I just try to look like I don't want a hand job.

I'll tell you. tell me don't wear a baseball hat because that cover identity just like yeah and then be like jolly yeah like hey yeah i'm kyle yeah like that and then they're like this guy's a little too he doesn't want to yeah you police huh police yeah yeah yes oh that's a good another way to do it hello i'm officer kyle i'm here for my appointment my regular massage uh

Yeah, so I'm getting social, doing some stuff, making an effort. But yeah, dating, just when you go, here's a date, it's a lot of pressure, too.

Yeah, like seven years. That's how long it's been? This is my girlfriend. It was like seven years ago, yeah. We've got to get you a girlfriend. I've dated some. I did this girl. She was so weird. Tell me. She was so weird. What was weird about her? She's a writer, and she's a pretty successful writer. Rogue? I don't know what that is. Nicotine? No, thank you. I'm not sure how I'll behave on that.

So she would, this doesn't go out to like. No one sees this. Okay. So she got in bed, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like this is, first of all, she was like contrarian. Okay. So everything you say, like you go, oh, it's raining out. She'll go, no, it's not. It's drizzling. You'd be like, oh, okay. Yeah, sure. I know.

Right. Got it. Right. But my bar is very low, and I'm like, I can handle all these things. But then in the bedroom, she would talk about herself, and she was verbal. She's a writer, and everything was verbal, and she's like, I'm in a bar, and guys are watching. She wanted me to tell her guys are watching and stuff like that. And then she would tell me about a blowjob. She would tell me about it.

She's like, I'm on my knees. I'm in front of you. I put you in my mouth. She's not doing it, but I'm like, it's right there. Isn't that crazy?

It happened once, and we dated her for like, we were never like boyfriend and girlfriend for like over three months. We went on like maybe 10 dates.

She wasn't... Right. You can be like, that's beautiful, but you don't sexualize them because it's just a different species. It's a species, yeah. Women love tall, too. They like men to be tall more than ever.

You know what? No, I didn't.

Right.

yeah yeah yeah and then she just never listened to me women don't listen to me I gotta figure out do you know what I like anyway I don't care yeah even like basic stuff like I can't read I never like learned how to read wait is this for real no I can read but like I'm very slow reader whatever I never got tested but I took a Spanish class, and it's like, all your D's and B's are backwards.

You're dyslexic. Yeah, yeah, something. But I never got tested, but I read like a third grader. And that's one thing she knew about me. And the other thing she knew was I don't eat dairy. So for my birthday, which is nice, she got me gifts.

She got me a giant book, The Count of Monte Crisco, and a dairy cupcake, which is sort of like a... And the card said, I like you, but I like your dog better, or something like that. The whole thing was like a... Kind of a fuck you. I don't know.

Yeah.

She one time gave me like, she gave a shit about, one time she gave me, I took a picture of her, you know? Do you remember that I don't eat dairy? What? I don't give a shit. I don't care. Eat it.

I took a picture of her. And those pictures, she never took a picture of me or us or anything. And she asked me to send me the picture of her. It was a picture of me and her. And she asked me, can you send a picture of me where I look cute?

Yes. Every time I saw her, something weird, something weird. She doesn't mean weird. That is fucking hilarious. And then, was it a natural fizzle out? Or did you... It was. I did the fade. Because she actually had a tough upbringing. I mean, she wrote this book that's like a massive hit. And I always felt like... Really? Like... Huge. 11 million copies. What? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Oh, so she really is good at telling us. Yeah, she's very smart. But she grew up in a culty kind of thing and had a bad. I mean, you basically have said her name by now.

no no no no no one's watching this i know but i mean like the details are all there right i don't think anybody's gonna figure out who grew up like this and sold 11 million copies okay go ahead yeah the 11 million was probably a bad i i don't think she watches i think she just reads this is fine she just reads that's fine yeah we can cut that out yeah we can if you want to i wonder do you just tell me her name and then we'll cut that out yeah who is it

I don't believe you.

I'll confirm. We'll cut it out.

That voice that I didn't even know who that was. Oh, the voice that I don't know said it? Come on. We will cut it out. I would not do that to you, dude. Just tell you after. That's cool.

Just tell you after. That's cool. I'm like trying to figure out, would I get in trouble? No. I think it would be good for her to know because it would probably be helpful for her. Well, then do you want to say it? Huh? Do you want to say it? No, no, no. Okay.

I know. It's almost worse. I know. Can we cut the whole thing out?

We'll cut the whole. We'll just go from, you said, it's two bears with Kyle. It should be one bear and a twink. Well, how about this?

That makes sense. And then everyone would have to figure that out. There were so many things that she did that... Sorry. Every time I saw her, she did something funny. Yeah. She was funny to me. We went bowling, three couples, you know? Mm-hmm. And she was like, guys versus girls first, you know? And I'm bad at bowling, but we were all bad. Yeah. I think the highest score was like a 72.

I got like a 59, whatever. I'm not good. Yeah. I'm kind of proud of that, not being good at bowling. Mm-hmm. So then we go, okay, now let's do couples. Can I get a water, please? Thank you. Go ahead. Do you want one? Or are you good? I have so many drinks. So after the first round of bowling, we go, okay, now let's do couples versus couples. You know, we're on our first date, all meet each other.

And she goes, no, he's not very good. And it wasn't a joke. She wouldn't. I want to compete.

Who cares?

It's not like we're playing for money. But anyway, that made me laugh.

Oh, I fucking strike, spare, strike. I just destroy it because then I was like, oh, yeah, you want to see?

And they just don't believe me. Are you dating now? I go on dates and it's not been good. Why? Well, it might be... I'm definitely the common denominator, but I don't think I'm weird. I think I'm doing a good job on the dates. Okay. But there's a lot of, well, you got to pay for the thing, which is fine. Because women pay for their hair and stuff. Right. And that's expensive.

When I get in the bowling zone, I can't be stopped. It can be very fun. Yeah. Did you guys meet on Raya? Yeah. Yeah. High achievers. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm going to meet my next person in person. I just don't go up to people. That's right. I think that's better, dude. I feel so creepy and weird about going up to a strange woman.

I've never gone up to somebody in my life and gone, hey, I think you're pretty attractive sitting over here in your chair and your thing that you're drinking. I know. Would you like to talk to me? Yeah.

I think she was probably normal, and I was just too... I had a woman friend of mine tell me, yeah, just look at him. Don't look creepy, but look, and if she looks back, then you talk to her. That was five years ago. It's never happened.

but you can do you can do hi this place is weird yeah but i come over like hi i'm kyle you know yeah if i come over myself it's not good i don't come off manly like you know what i mean like that guy in the bar uh what's your favorite do you have a type of girl you like besides hot hot um i like a girl who's you know has a sense of humor you definitely need that um

Like I said, if it's too tall, I kind of don't sexualize. But I'm not picky. What's your max height? Six. I think I can go six, one. No, that's probably too tall. Maybe six feet. Six feet. How tall are you? I was 5'9". I don't think I am anymore. I'm shrinking. Shrinking? I'm like 5'8". 5'8 and a half, maybe. Dude, there's plenty of women that fit this category for you.

And I'm like, that's cool. Yeah. But then sometimes this one girl came and just like... like ragged armpit hair. And it's like, if we're doing the, I'm a man, you're a woman, you gotta do the woman thing. We're doing, you know what I mean? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So that, and then I don't know, I find, um, I, I think it's like really hard for people to go on dates. It's just a lot of pressure.

Well, I don't know. I think they have a good time. We go on dates. There's a conversation and laughter. I just might not be their type looks-wise. I mean, I think I... I don't think that's true. I think I peaked at like a six. And it's just... Look, height is very important now. It's become way more important for women.

And I think I have a theory that's because it's the only thing we have left that they can't do. You know what I mean? Like, we used to kill the buffalo and stuff. Now we're just, like, can reach that dish in the cupboard.

No, listen, when I go out, I'm telling you, like, when I go out, I do appear, I think, to have, like, a decent amount of confidence. And I... I do, someone else taught me this, it's actually good advice for guys out there dating. It's like you touch the person, like on the arm, touch. Put your leg, if your leg's there and touching her leg, this is what Nikki Glaser actually technique taught me,

And they leave their leg there. That means... It's a signal. It's a signal. Yeah. Because sometimes you go in for a kiss at the end. But you want to get little signals. Watch their body when you touch them. If they recoil, then don't. Of course. Yeah.

Although it does feel uncomfortable. It does, right? For me to be like, yeah, there's this really great art exhibit I want to check out.

That's, again, like pretending to be someone else. And eventually you've got to be like, I don't know, I don't really want to go do that thing. But I'm taking a break right now, Tom.

It's going to be all dudes. That's not really the place to... But I think jujitsu is a good thing to do for sleep. I'm having trouble sleeping. Just tire you out? Yeah, I got to get tired. And also, I think the confidence of knowing how to fight, that gives you self-esteem. Shoulders are back?

yeah fuck you up i can fight because i will tell you i was with a woman one time we were going down the street and this guy was coming at like got her in his sights like a crazy person do you know what i mean yeah and like he's coming at her and i had to in my head calculate is i don't really know this person is this worth like getting in a huge fight do you know what i mean yeah and it like happened like that and he like went went like up like this around her and then i felt so bad

that this is years ago yeah i really didn't like i was like i should have jumped in front of her and been like a man yeah but then recently like a month ago same situation and like a guy walks he started coming out of this girl's walking on the street with and i like got in front of her and like took her away from the situation and like she thought that was really hot of course

But then I haven't seen her since.

We did make out.

Fuck you. I don't know, I feel like we help people out there, like a guy who's dating. There's some good advice in there.

And then you, the guy has to, you have to plan the date. Yeah. That's another thing, which I don't do stuff like I don't. So I'm presenting like this is who I am not right, right away for a month. I'm like,

Yeah. Also, I live alone, and that's, once you live alone for so long. Yeah, you get used to. I can't imagine. Your ways. Yeah, yeah, someone coming in. What's a typical Kyle day? Oh, Kyle will get up around like 6 a.m. and go, shit, I only slept three hours. And Kyle will lay in bed for another three hours.

And be like, God damn it, why don't I just get up? You know what I mean? Sure. I'm exhausted, but let's just do that. And then maybe like I'll get like a little bit of work done. I'll go to a coffee shop and I work there a little bit, editing usually. And then talk to a friend and then call it a day. Yeah.

Are you doing spots a lot? Yeah, I do spots, like, maybe three days a week in New York. I'm in New York City. You are in New York. I didn't realize that. I moved. I got out of L.A. During pandemic style? Like, 2023, a couple years ago. Oh, okay. Yeah, two years ago. But my house was, like, sliding down a hill, and I was like, I gotta get... Are you loving New York? I do like it.

The weather, I really... Yeah. I forgot. I used to live there years ago. What part of the... Park Slope. Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

yeah Brooklyn it's cool but yeah my house in LA there was this railing you know it was on a hill and there was this steep embankment and there was a railing and it came out of the cement time to go yeah so then every year I was there for like seven years it would move like an inch you know then there was like two months of rain it moved eight inches down this thing and I you can't get insurance they won't insure your

There's me and my mother singing.

Oh, my God, your mom videos are so funny. Yeah, she's singing, and my mom's fun. She's also in my Craig videos. I do that.

She's proud of you though, right? Gotta be.

Bill Maher. Oh, Bill Maher.

Now, did I hear, does he not like it? Yeah, I don't know why he had, he had a problem with me early. This is like, I had not many followers and I had, just really innocuous, like him reading to children. It was like, oh, should you eat eggs that are green? Like it was a dumb, like hacky kind of whatever. And then I found out A.J. Benzo was like, he doesn't like your impression.

I showed him and he got mad. And I was like, really? And then he went on Rogan. And out of nowhere, he goes, you're playing some guy. He was doing a terrible impression of me. They just ragged on me. And it's so spot on. Thank you. Hear that, Bill? So then he goes, I don't know who he was. I went to Hawaii with him in his private jet. He was just trying to shit on me.

And so after that, then I started making some Bill Maher. I had him gang banged in my next video. But before that, I wasn't being mean. He started it. Oh, and then I was in Whole Foods, and this lady comes up and goes, I just have to tell you, I was a stewardess on Bill Maher's plane, and I said, have you ever seen Kyle Dunnigan's impression of you?

And he turned away from me, and he wouldn't look at me. They told me to go to the back of the plane, and I didn't get a tip. What? Like, he hates this impression. A tip? You're supposed to tip him? In a private plane. You tipped the flight attendant? She said she didn't get a tip. So I guess they normally get tips.

I didn't know you had to do that.

Okay. Calm down. Calm down, people. I know it's exciting to see a big star on your little circus here. No, I'm kidding. I'm a big fan of the show. What was your name again? I'm Tony. Okay, that's our show. Next week, my guests are Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hot Tua Girl. Dude, it's terrible. By the way, you didn't do the land acknowledgement. Don't you...

TikTokers like to do a land acknowledgement before the show.

Well, he brought up the Indian people. You don't know about land acknowledgements? No. Come on. Yeah, you do. Every time you do a show, you're supposed to thank Indians for letting us do it. You say this club was situated on the unceded territory of the Chickapacka people or whatever. It's hilarious, man.

I do like to drink on a first date, but I don't really drink much.

I know. Even if you hate it, you have to just say, yeah, I saw it. It's great. Just so you don't look like it bothers you.

I know.

I actually like did his voice was too low there.

I thought it was like a lifelong thing. Yeah, I did too, I guess. Yeah, I didn't know he spoke. Yeah, he's such a funny. I was so glad when he got accepted into being whatever, the health guy. Yeah, he's head of the FDA now?

Oh, yeah, at age 42. Weird. You know what's funny? Because that show killed time. Yeah, Health and Human Services Secretary. Two hours long.

Everyone has to start shitting. Yeah. The worst date is a movie date because you...

Yeah. And I couldn't stop. And I was like, I had a thought like, am I never going to... Went to bed and I had my voice back, but I was stuck. It stayed there. Yeah. You don't want to do that too long.

Yeah. I mean, I did for a couple hours after I couldn't stop talking like that.

How does that work? I just do a... It's like a snap camera or something. They actually canceled it, and someone, a friend of mine, made a server. So you could keep doing it? Yeah, but I can't make new ones. I have to figure out... If I'm going to do. Because you were doing, I remember you did Kardashians. That's how I started, like Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah, baby. That was like my first like.

you don't know them yeah and you walk in and for two hours you're together and you don't know each other and you walk out hours have gone by and you're still strangers and something in your brain goes like yeah no movie date's a bad idea i've been with this person too long i saw amy winehouse movie with this girl that i really liked date one it was our second date okay

Twas the minute before my hooker gets here and all through the house. My penis was stirring because I just took a dick pill.

So while we wait for my whore and my boner, I would like to take this minute to explain to zillennials what being an adult is. This is so his voice. It's when you take money you worked hard for at a job. To give to a black hooker. He likes black hookers. Inside a house that isn't owned by your parents. I'm sorry, I forgot. Twerking isn't for giving a man a boner.

It's for teaching women how to be CEOs.

Okay, kids. Yeah, his voice is the closest to my natural voice.

I'm so amazed that it bothers him. I was shocked. Because, again, it wasn't even mean, the first ones weren't. They got a little meaner. I started bringing up Black Hookers and gangbang.

Okay, people. Okay, people. Tune in next week.

This is what I do with my time.

Cool.

It's very human. I mean, it's like how like a lot of comedians want to be rock stars and rock stars want to be comedians. Everyone wants to be what they're not. Yeah. Cause you don't like value. It probably comes. Yeah. It's really, and he has like an eight year old sense of humor, which is funny. Yeah. Like his cars fart. Like he's, that's what the eight year old would do. It's pretty cool. Yeah.

And it was just such a bummer. We both walked out depressed. It was like, it was bad.

That's what I don't understand is he tweets so much. If that was my only job was to tweet, I would be exhausted. And then he's got six more multi-billion dollar companies. Every phone call has got to be an emergency. Yeah. When you have that many companies and you're also doing Doge, which he's constantly tweeting about that.

There's just like both. He, for some reason, like really, um,

Yeah. Insane. I have a little Tesla stock, and I have not been happy about it. I wish you would stop Doge as soon as possible. That hasn't been good.

I mean, yeah. I need some money to put... I need money to get in that. To buy some more? I'm fully leveraged. Yeah.

No. That guy, why is that on there? I did his birthday. Oh, my God. What do you mean? I've bombed harder than I've ever bombed in my life at Tony Robbins' birthday party. He had, like, comics perform? He, for some reason, wanted me to perform at his birthday party, which I didn't. I was a big Tony Robbins fan. I read, like, a couple of his books when I was younger.

And I was like, yeah, I want to do that. But I knew deep down, my subconscious did some calculating. I knew in my gut, like, wait, this is bad. But I was trying to hype myself. Because he was paying more money than I normally get. I don't want to say exactly how much, but it was like.

It was like $25,000. I don't want to say. You don't want to say it, but it was like. $25,000. And his handlers did a Zoom call beforehand. Like, this is what Tony wants. You're going to be on big screen and you're going to be Joe Biden. He's going to introduce you and say, we get the president here and then you'll come up. And I was like, like, they might think it's actually going to be Joe Biden.

I'm a little worried that they're going to be disappointed. Yeah. And they were just like, this is what Tony wants. This is a cult. This is what Tony wants. There's no discussion here. And I was like, okay. So I went down there, and it was just people just jumping up. And it's like 11 at night. That guy Sumners was on before me. Larry Sumners, who was the reason we had that 2008 collapse.

I don't know why they keep giving that guy money and power. He was speaking before you?

Yeah. But he was getting laughs, and I'm like, oh, this would be good. They're like, hmm. So he goes on an hour and a half, and he talks like this. He went for an hour and a half? Hour and a half. Now it's like midnight something. Yeah, this guy. I don't know why they keep giving this guy money. And is that a birthday party? Yeah, it's a birthday party.

It was a weekend of his like, you know, VIP people. Oh, okay. It was like 300 people in this, he has this amazing studio. And then there's just all these screens of people zooming in from all over the world. Oh my God. And it's late now. And they've been up since five o'clock, like shark hunting.

You know, these retreats that they do, they get them up early and they make them do these insane things to show like, I can do it. Yeah, there it is. See that? Yeah. Yeah.

So beforehand, he comes up to me, his hand is like a giant catcher's mitt, and he's like, give him hell, you little piece of shit.

You have no control your life you are still a slave

I said, you are. You're being enslaved by you and nothing else. And I said, I'd like to have you be free. Because I'm free and I'm white. So why don't you pretend that we're going to get you free right now. And I said, just here's the way to do it. Everyone stand up. And I said, stand up. Come on, try something with me. Trust me just for a moment. Pretend I'm white. I get him to stand up, right?

Now I'll stand up. I said, now you guys just do what I do just for a minute. If you really want to be free, if you want us to Okay, follow me, do what I say, say what I say, move the way I move. I'm a . You're a . You're my . You're my .

Then I turn around and say, okay, we're not done. Repeat after me. I'm a honky, you are a honky. I'm a honky, you're a honky. We do this whole thing, they're painting each other going, there's one guy who's like the most militants walking over this other white guy in the audience, he's going, hey, honky, how you doing? He goes, hey, .

He's getting some good laughs. He's doing great, yeah. It's his Netflix special. That was a good bit. Sorry. No, I needed to see that. That was pretty cool. We all needed to see that. But yeah, so then there was like all these dancing people jump on stage after Larry Sumner. It's like, let's get our energy. And there's a big screen in front of me. And I'm starting to get really nervous.

Because deep down, you know this is not the right environment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're all about positivity. And I'm doing this sort of, stand-up is kind of sarcastic. And you're doing it, you're just going to come out. Your plan is, I'm Biden? They have a big screen in front of me, like 30 feet tall. And I'm going to be projecting on that. I'm behind it in a desk.

And then I'm going to introduce Kyle Dunnigan to round off the show with some stand-up comedy. Yeah. And I have a wig, Tom, on the desk here of Caitlyn Jenner because he wanted me to sing happy birthday to him as Caitlyn Jenner. So he starts going, are you guys ready for the surprise of your life? You know, and I'm like, no, no, no. And then he goes, oh, wait.

And then he plays a video of him meeting every president since, you know, Carter. So it's like they're primed and they're already like murmuring. No way. And then he goes, have I ever disappointed you? And they're like, no, mind pure.

So crazy. Does he ever just come over right away for a, come over and do an apartment?

And he goes, zooming in from the White House.

And the whole place is like, rah. I mean, they just had Larry Sumner's right there. It's not weird that the president zoomed in.

and then my head comes up my bad wig and I pop up on the screen and the whole audience goes like all together yeah like that and I was like hey it's Tony Bologna's birthday dead silence and I'm in my head I'm like this was like my strongest stuff yeah it's getting dead silence what's the rest gonna be So then I was like, eh, no, Kyle Dunnegan.

And I come out and I'm just trying, I had a plan, but like the first thing that works, I'm like, let me jump to the piano. Like I have like a piano song. That didn't work. I'm jumping all around. I don't know where I am in my set. And then I like said a joke that I knew I shouldn't have said, like right when I started, but I had to do the time because it was that money, you know?

This was the joke that ended everything. People started walking out to go to the bathroom and stuff. I did a girl who was 19 years younger than me. Don't judge. I was in college. That's a new experiment. And then a woman goes, that's a child.

Okay. Yeah, I don't know. I, um. Yeah. I do the thing. I ask questions and I do the thing. I talked about them. This one girl goes, I let her pick a restaurant, pick the most expensive restaurant. She did? In Los Angeles. That's pretty crazy. And I was like, okay. And then she's talking about herself. Didn't ask me any. Hour and a half goes by and it became interesting.

Yeah. Anyway, and then I'd explain that I didn't really do that. And then afterwards, I was like wrapping up my shit, trying to get out of there. And I hear him go, did you have a day you'll never forget?

And everyone's like, yeah. And he goes, this is a night I'd like to forget.

Like talking about, have you ever heard Tony Robbins say anything negative in his life? Did he talk to you after the thing? No, I never saw him again. But anyway, that was painful.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

She never, she doesn't know anything about me. And then she goes, I love Portland, blah, blah. And I was just in Portland. I go, I was just in Portland. And she just went right over it. Yeah. Yeah. Awkward pause.

So I fucking. That's good. Yeah, then you have to be like the enforcer, which is really not funny.

Do you feel like humiliation or do you like, I don't feel. It was more, that was more. You seem like a cool, like a person doesn't get rattled.

Right, right, right. Yeah.

They don't think. They think it's like a band. You need to do stand-up. You have to have people paying attention to every word. It's not like music in the background. But they go, oh, comedian. That's the thing we'll have there.

Yeah, that's so not funny to be their teacher and then not hear jokes.

I had that same, after that Tony Robbins thing, I was like, this lady who booked me or whatever was my handler was like, I go, oh, I feel like I ruined his birthday. He goes, no, he had fun this afternoon, like not even helping me.

I go back in a car with this other guy who was like Tony's right-hand man. He was like, Tony doesn't get up early. He was like saying, like, Tony doesn't get up early. He actually got up, I got up early this morning. He's like, shit, like shit, Tony did me. And he goes, you want to get some food at the hotel? And I'm like, yeah, starving.

So I go and we take a lap and it's like the audience was at this buffet. I didn't, I thought it was just, so I go, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Cause I'm feeling completely shattered as a human being. Yeah. And he goes, no, you come here, get a place, go play, go buffet, get a plate. So I'm like sneaking and I'm like, quick, quick, quick, quick. And then some guy that grabs me.

Now this is what was amazing. Cause I didn't understand at first. He goes, dude, epic set, man. Like real Tony Robbins positivity.

Yeah.

And I was like, thanks. And I realized, oh, he found a way to say something to me that wasn't a lie. And he gave me positive energy, Tony Robbins energy.

He learned that that weekend, which was cool. Yeah. It wasn't epic. It was epic.

I know. I wouldn't do corporates if, yeah. I don't think I can...

Rude. It's pretty, it's kind of, yeah. That's bold. Very. What about this thing when you hook up, you know? And then like a bunch of months go by and they go, hey, let's go check out whatever, a movie. And you haven't seen her since you hooked up? Yeah. And then like you go and you pay for the movie. And then after she's like, hey, let's get dinner. And then you pay for dinner.

Yeah, why do you?

Yeah. I'm never going to turn it down. I'm talking... I never will turn down money. Ever? I don't care how rich I get. I'm just going to... What's enough money, Tom, where you like go... Like, be honest.

Like, in your bank, where you don't have to work ever again, you have a perfect life where you give money to your kids, whatever, and just everything, but it's all you're going to make from here on out. What is the number? That sits in the bank? It just sits there crooning for 3% to 4% a year. I don't know, man. But, like, you don't think about money. You're going to go...

40?

Oh, there you go.

60? Yeah.

Yeah. Long time no brain tumor. Fuck. It's a funny thing to bring up. Hilarious. Kind of good. It's not bad. You look healthy. Are you healthy? I think, I don't sleep enough. Like I did that aura ring where it tells you how you sleep and it was like, go see somebody.

I think it's $35 million, which I think, which sounds ridiculous.

Yeah. Now I'm feeling like $35 is way low. Well, I mean, it just depends on your formula. I have kids. I do. Yeah, you got kids. Yeah. Each of those has got to be at least... And you want to do that yacht vacation, you know, and like, yeah, you don't want to do the white Lotus yacht. Yeah. And that's like, how much is that? That's like a hundred thousand dollars a week or something. Probably more.

Really?

We're not doing office work.

right what would you do yeah i wouldn't i'd be completely out of my if you if you gave me all that money right now i would still be like well what am i going to do tomorrow yeah right i wanted a vacation for three days and i had to come back home i was supposed to be there longer i went i went by myself because people they'll go like i traveled europe and i but for a month and i was like oh i want to be that guy you know yeah where'd you go i went to um

puerto vallarta in mexico you say for three days i was supposed to be a week and i left well i get there this is where i knew i was a problem and i check in i go hi kyle and they're like uh just just you like that and i go yeah and she goes nobody else just you and i go yeah just me nobody else So I get there and it's just all family. No one goes alone to this resort. And I was just this weird.

And then she's like, bye. You've had that? Yeah. That seems like, huh.

Alone guy? Guy, walker. Like I got in the giant.

I guess maybe.

I got in that big jacuzzi. You know the jacuzzi where they go, the whole, everyone, you know? Big. And like three people just like got out right away. And I was like, bubbles. And people would turn the corner because you couldn't see the jacuzzi as you came around the corner. Like planning to go to the jacuzzi. Saw you. And people just kept coming and turning.

That guy that's jacking off everywhere is in the jacuzzi. Yeah. And we all ate together. So I was always just alone eating. I had a horrible time. Point being, yeah, I probably won't stop working either.

Yeah.

I'm never going on vacation again. No, you need to. Let's plan it together. No, but I'd have to go with friends or a girlfriend or something. I can't go alone ever again. Come with my family. I would love that. Really? I think you guys would like me there. I think we would too. I really like Christina too. We shared a flight together. Did you tell you about that flight we shared? When was it?

It was probably like a year ago. She's so... You can... She was just really great. We were playing a game. Our stewardess was Linda, who was just kind of gross. Then there was other fat, disgusting... We were playing a game where it was like, would you rather put... Like you have to put your face in this fat, gross guy's asshole.

Half.

Yeah. She loves this game. Yeah. And that's like, yeah, put your face in the guy's asshole for like a full three minutes or marry Linda and live with her for six months. Like just scenarios. She loves this game. We did that for like, yeah, three hours.

Oh. Just sit there with it. Just get in there and breathe it and take it. Big difference between eating it.

Anyway, I'd love to come on vacation.

I promise I'll say no, but you should do that. You really won't come? That would be so weird. It'd be so fun. I would maybe feel even more alone to be with a family. I don't know. What are we doing? I don't know.

There you go. Kyle, we're having dinner.

Yeah, he's your new brother. He's your uncle. Oh, I went brother, uncle.

I didn't tell you guys, but I do. I really, I know we're joking, but I would like to be adopted by your family. We can do it.

Bert, keep going, buddy. You've got to lose one Kyle, and you'll be there. You'll be there soon, pal. A little more than a Kyle.

That might happen. That would be awesome.

Yeah. Thanks for my credits. I'm not even 150 pounds, so you lose more than I am.

Watch the show. So we just sit on stage.

I'm really light. I haven't weighed myself in a couple months, but I'm about $1.40. Dude. Yeah. What's that like?

and the stammering so yeah and his laugh is like I almost pass out it's so much air to do his laugh it's like a major it's pretty cool yeah Yeah, that whole night was really good fun.

Yeah.

Good friend. Best friend. Yeah, I had gotten, because I look nothing.

I know. I felt bad, but it was so funny. I look nothing like Elon Musk. Nothing. I look the opposite. Like, I have a long neck. He has no neck. I have a peanut face. He has a watermelon.

And so I had to get a prosthetic just to look. But it came out crazy. I looked.

it's good for jumping and um i bet you can run like the wind right i can run pretty fast girls can pick me up that's kind of like yeah do you ever you ever hook up with like a chick who's like significantly yeah really yeah it's like a six footer who's like yeah i did how was that um it's a little weird but uh you kind of like it though i have to like change you know my kink has to be like baby like i'm a baby yeah yeah you know that's what's wrong with that it's

But, yeah, I don't know how it turned. I thank you for saying it was good. I was just, like, out of my mind. Oh, my God, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah. There's some, I just can't do. And some come easy and some are a little bit of work. but it was just the level of, like when you go, you were starting live, you know, it's like, it's nerve wracking, I'm sure. And you go out there and it's like, this is like doing that, but we have no script and go out there. Right.

And there's so much going on. You want to interrupt and you, but you're not, you want to, you know, do a thing. And yeah, it's a really, it's very good, a good workout. Yeah.

yeah I mean like you know if you did it like more you know you get better and better at it but it's oh my god if you were doing this like weekly couple days a week like putting on like it would you would just like get into such a crazy zone yeah cause you can't you can't practice that it's like I sit on my couch as we talked about for months you know basically alone and then it's like go out and do that and then like go be I'm alone a lot dude I'm alone so much I'm not kidding I'm in my dreams I'm alone

In your dreams? Yeah, like my brain doesn't know. I forgot what company is, and it's like we're in a field. But do you prefer it?

I mean, Hinge, I think, might be the best. It's connected to friends or something.

nothing and then yeah you get like a diaper and that kind of thing but it is yeah yeah yeah I'm like I it feels like a different species when a woman's like Yeah, yeah. Like, that much bigger than me.

Thank you, thank you. Yeah, so I was in the H-E-B parking lot the other day, and I almost got hit by that thing. I forget what it's called, but it's kind of like the human centipede, except for shopping carts. Oh, the train. The train and shopping carts. Yeah, I'm just minding my own business, and I almost had a train ran on me. Pain in my ass, you know? I don't know, a train would be a lot.

Give me a threesome though, any day. Specifically one with two girls. I feel like a threesome with a dude, it's kind of like going to a diner and you order a sandwich and you get a big pickle on the side with it. It's like, I didn't ask for the pickle. I don't really want the pickle there. Because now it's going to get its taste all over the thing that I want to eat. All right, thanks, everybody.

I'm actually German and Croatian. Oh, wow. That is the opposite of what I would have guessed.

Mostly off, yeah.

Well, I would go to open mics maybe once a month. So why would you? So what?

It's true. Okay. So do you love it? Why? It's something that I was very passionate about. That you are very passionate about?

Yeah, yeah. I'm looking forward to the part where I'm just, like, I quit.

Oh, it was just always like a dream of mine. I would have loved to have got like an hour special or something like that. It was a cool thing to do.

No, that was like my optimistic take on it or my goal. This doesn't make any sense at all. All right. What do you do for work? Oh, I actually didn't want to talk about work because I don't want to get fired. Okay. All right.

No, I'll talk to you about anything else. What field of work do you work in? Biology. Are you good at it? I mean, I'm actually biological myself, so...

Yeah, sure. So I'm from Pennsylvania originally. Unbelievable.

Oh, well, I wanted to say that I spent maybe three years living out on the West Coast. So that was like California, Oregon. Like living out in my car and stuff.

I did some seasonal jobs. Like what? Like what kind of seasonal jobs? So I worked in the Stanislaus National Forest.

What do you think was the hardest dichotomous key that you had to use?

Yeah, I couldn't name one sitcom.

Oh, it's always, yeah, it's always like a big, Millie Vanilla's a big fat guy.

He was saying nice things.

He got hit by a golf ball. Yeah, I saw his. He's so cool. I want that. I was watching him. He's got that really cool golf set back there.

Oh, really?

Just donk. I hit a kid with a golf ball. He was all right, though. Luckily, I didn't get a good swing on it.

Yeah, yeah. They're really... Yeah, if you get a nice skull worm burner, you could kill a duck if you just... Really? You ever see those videos of pieces of head just snapping?

Amazing.

Yeah, and that was everything. When I was first starting, your whole thing was you have to get a sitcom or you don't have any money.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Randy Johnson. The big unit. He was so tall. He was like halfway to the thing. Oh, no.

Now you just get AI to do it.

That reminds me of college. I went to school for acting, which is the dumbest thing you can ever go to school for, by the way. What did you learn? Nothing.

Honestly, I learned to be a worse actor. I really didn't believe that. It was like Shakespeare and stuff. I'm terrible at that. All my teachers thought I was just terrible. And they did this one class...

Literally, it was called Movement for the Actor. Now, imagine your parents. My parents paid for college. It was so nice of them. I don't have any debt. But what a waste of my parents' money. This is an hour class. Movement for the Actor. So they'd put on music. Everybody danced to it. It was one of the things. And then you're supposed to just creatively do whatever. Are you going to pay for that?

Yeah. And I remember Zach Galifianakis, it was pilot season. Remember that whole thing? Oh, yeah. That was huge. Like, pilot season's coming up.

Like $50,000. $50,000. So I'm in my head like, what the fuck? This doesn't make me a bad, so you're fake. And then this teacher was like, we're doing Shakespeare. And he's like, bring in tights next week for the Shakespeare performance. And I'm like, I'm not buying tights and coming in here with tights. Like, why would I have to do that? Because back then, they dressed in their normal clothes.

You know what I mean? When Shakespeare wrote the thing, they were just in their clothes. It wasn't like you had to be in tights to do Hamlet. So I just didn't get tights. And they come in, he's like, where's your tights? He's like this very effeminate guy who hated me. And he goes, where are your tights, Kyle? And I was like, oh, I forgot my tights.

And he's like, make sure you bring your tights next week. And I was like, okay. So next week, no tights. And I go, oh, I forgot my tights. I was like, darn it. I wish I brought my tights.

That's probably your best acting. Yeah, I was really good at acting like I wanted to bring my tights. So he goes, get mine. They're in the back. So these green tights.

Yeah, I had to put them on. And I looked like Kermit the Frog because my legs are like the size of a 12-year-old Korean girl. And I came out with my, it was disgusting.

By the way, and I did tell him, I said, listen, because I tried to negotiate before I put his tights on. I'm like, but they didn't, they just wore their clothes like back then. And he was like, get the tights. Like, I want to see you in tights.

Yeah, yeah.

I love that, working on my craft. By the way, that's such bullshit. But he was aware.

But you didn't even apply it to your own life. When I was a teacher, I didn't think I'd ever be an actor.

He didn't see the musical. Like a medley, like a review. A medley of show tunes. I love that, sounds like a great show. Wait, you came there to see his feet? That was like the way you went there?

Small, that?

They were little, little tiny feet. I had a date of this girl once and she was like, I have a shoe show. I'm a shoe model, right? And I'm like, oh, a shoe show? Okay. A shoe model? Yeah, foot. A foot model? Like she would model shoes. Okay, like open-toed shoes? I just would, like, I didn't know, but that's what she would say. She was going to do this. And she always had like dollar bills.

She always had cash, you know? And I found out years later, she was a stripper. Shoe show is when you have no clothes on. And I just thought she was a shoe.

Maybe. She had great feet. But another stupid, this was even the dumber class than the moving around class, was called Interpretation for the Actor. So this week, you would read a play like Streetcar Named Desire, and then you would come in and you would do your interpretation of it. So the weirder you were, the better grade you got, okay? Oh boy.

So one guy comes in, he did Streetcar, and he put, there was a big mirror, you know, because it was also a dance room, and he took a lipstick and he wrote whore within lipstick.

And dismissive.

Then he pulled his pants down, started fucking the mirror, and then he turned to us and he goes, fuck you, and he left, and then everyone started clapping, and I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Listen to what I, so I'm like, cause I got like a, like a D on my, whatever I did. So I'm like, I'm going to be fucking weird. My next, I didn't read any of the things.

I like, I have trouble reading. I don't know how to read. I just never learned. So I go, I go, I have a glass menagerie is my book. Didn't read it. Whatever. I just went in there. I got an egg, okay? And I took one of my mother's Waterford crystal glasses and a string. And I took the string and I was just like, nobody sails the seas if they don't find their way.

Then I clipped the string and the glass broke. fell and broke. Then I went outside, you could see, and I buried an egg. It makes no fucking sense. And then the guy said, what grade do you think you should get? And I said, an A. And he gave me an A. That was my college work. He's brilliant. By the way, I'm working on my craft. By the way, are you really working? Like, when you work...

Yeah. And when you walk in, they know they don't want you. They also know you're broke. Yeah, and you have that desperate energy.

Meryl Streep was an amazing actress when she was 20, and she's amazing now. She never, no, are you working four hours a day getting better at acting? No, you're not.

They talk like they're like working their piano skills all day and four days a year. Crap. You know, the problem, what we did was, is we were like, we, not me at all, but when they were like, oh, let's make some more money. We'll have an award show and then we'll make money. That's why there's the Oscars. Oh, yeah. But the actors thought we're doing something really great.

The Oscars are like the Olympics for actors. Yeah. And it's, I mean, the Olympics, at least you're like, I don't know, doing something you can quantify, but like a nine year old, a nine year old won an Oscar. Like how, like, did not be like a nine year old, like best surgeon. It's like, it's a thing you can do or kind of can't do.

There's a little bit of learning, but certainly not movement for the actor.

No. It's not working on your craft. It's not even like painting. It's not even like when you crunch a ball and you throw it into a basket at work.

Yeah, it's about personality. We love the person, like Jeff Goldblum. Love that guy. Christopher Walken. Jack Nicholson. Amazing. There's amazing actors. You like the people who party. Yeah. Crazy wild people. You know, the story behind it to be. Yeah. I miss Jack Nicholson.

Off-putting is what it is. Death. I didn't get any. I never got a sitcom. I auditioned probably for 1,000. I don't know why someone didn't say, you're not good at this. No one told me. You could have been a Big Bang Theory, ironically. I could have been. You would have been a fucking major get for them. I would have been a huge get for them.

He was the best. That old Jack. He was the just. He was the best. Did you ever see him flirt with Jennifer Lawrence? Did you ever see that video?

He was 1,000. Yeah. Wait, Jamie, do you have that? I don't mean to run this show, but it's a good schooling on like, he's so cool. And this girl's way too young for him.

What movie was that? He stayed cool, and he makes that eye contact, and then...

She was flirting, actually.

Yeah.

There will be blood. I just saw it.

If I read that movie, I think I'd be like, this is boring. There Will Be Blood is just boring.

At the end, he's talking to that guy who's religious, who's like, can I have some of your, and he's like, no, there's no more oil under you. He's like, I drank it up. And he just made the analogy of a straw, like drank up his thing, and then he beats him with a bowling pin. He's like, I'm finished. One of the best endings to a movie.

Pop Quiz. Who? Very famous person wrote it.

I had actually, I did get one of them. Now this is a story, let me tell you this story. So I go in, and you know you get like a callback, okay? First casting director, and then you're like, please like me. Then you're like, callback. And like, oh, they like me. Second callback. Now I'm getting like real nervous. It was a show, Happy Family. Have you heard of that?

So good. Choices, they say in school. It's the choices you make in your performance.

Yeah. I mean, he becomes those people where he comes. But to live with that guy would be probably a nightmare during that movie.

Who ate my cheese? My Cheerios.

At least he does back it up. Do you know what I mean? He hasn't done anything too crazy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like when they go too far with it. Might have been rumors, too, but...

The thing that I found interesting about that was his accent didn't, because he kept an American accent when he was screaming. Interesting. I found that quite interesting. Yes, indeed. Yes.

What was that psycho movie? American Psycho. So good.

Little Nugget?

A long time ago. That guy, Larroquette was on it.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I remember him saying, he's dropping on the set, and he goes, my friend Don told me that on my gravestone it should say, it's not a great plot, but Larroquette's in it. He told that funny joke. Boy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

70s.

That's you. The feed is always, they forget there's a feed.

Thank you. Thank you.

That's a good gig, though. I mean, shit, that was like...

Begins with an S. Stanford and Son. Yes. Who wrote it? You're not going to believe it. Quincy Jones.

What did the audience do when they left?

Yeah, yeah.

Don Barris? Nope. He's like, what are you people doing here at this hour?

Eddie's great.

You get to, because you're getting a little famous, and then you have eight lines. Yeah. And you said they could do whatever you want. And you're like, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, I love how long careers can be. He's the sweetheart of a guy, too, Pepitone. Yeah, he is.

It's good we have long careers. I was thinking about the sports guys. You're a baseball player and that's your identity. And then you're 30 and you're like... It's over.

If your identity is I'm a sports player, I'm like a sports player. That's how much I know. I just revealed how, what a good big sports guy I am. Sports player. You know, you're a sports player.

It's also just like, you think about your identity when you're a kid and you probably get all that, you know, identity as an athletic person. Then you become like a professional athlete. And it must be difficult to just, you have to really never hook into that. Like, that's my identity.

It's also, like, if you're a really hot woman, I think it's hard when, you know, you've got to, like, not have that be your identity.

I know athletes. Give me a second here.

He played golf?

A boxer in their 50s?

Did Tyson, was he full on going full on?

You don't know?

Hey, Joe, can I have a cigar? I want to look manly. I need something to look manly. Let me get some freshies out of the humidor. You look very manly. I mean, I thank you, but sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like, that guy looks old.

After that, did they want you to do some something after?

What?

I don't like that at all.

Would you ever do a legit fight at some point? I'm old as fuck, dude. No, dude. You're a chicken. Spring chicken.

I've hit my head so many times in my life. I'm a little worried.

Joe said I look like a man.

No, I did not.

Yeah, I only got a corner. Have you had that guy on who's trying to live forever, the vampire?

I'm really fascinated with that guy. I like what he's doing. He's trying.

You're bringing it back to my Larraket story. Go to your Larraket story now. No, no, I want to hear this. I want to say it out loud because I set up a story and then I didn't finish it.

Do you know who he is? Of course, Martin Bokole from the Cincinnati Red Dogs.

Yes. Yes. And if you hear the whole song, it's a really good song.

I actually tried to not eat meat for a little while, a few years ago. You need like a nutritionist with you to really make sure you cover that.

I just caught myself in the camera here. I look ridiculous smoking this cigar.

I love it. I love that. Oh. Joe just turned the camera off.

By the way, you know these young kids? Let me go lecture.

Let's not rush that story. Let the podcast breathe for a second. So these young kids now, I noticed this, women will do this, they'll be like, people say I light up the room.

People say I'm funny. But I've noticed that young people, they tell you compliments they got. And I'm like, why is this? Because for our area, you never say like, I'm great. People think I'm great. You never would say that. But now, this is my theory. I don't know if this is true. They've grown up on Facebook where people say, you look so pretty. And then everyone sees the compliment.

And now when they go out in the world and they get a compliment, then they're like, oh, I let people know my compliment. Everyone sees the compliments. That's probably exactly what it is.

I'm writing a book about it. You should.

I have no merch. Yeah, I'm going to definitely audio.

Yeah, your brain knows.

That looks ridiculous. I didn't mean to have the beard. Start from the beginning.

Wait, play a different episode. No, no, no.

A different one. This one's terrible.

Listen, no one's buying my book. So, yeah, I thought I would read a lecture to wet your wessel. All right, we can turn this off. Turn it off. You tortured him.

Yeah, that sounds like a bad idea.

Oh, it was awful, girls. For a minute there, I thought I was going to suffer the same fate as my nutsack. Oh, jeez. Yeah, baby. I want to apologize to the transmission. The first thing I did when I saw the flames was grab my Fendi clutch and... and my Alexander McQueen stiletto pumps. Yeah. And mine. Yeah.

Then I ran back into the flames to get my Louis Vuitton alligator duffel, a bag so beautiful it demands attention. Yeah. My size 17 Jimmy Choo's and my dog Checkers. But there was only enough time to save two of those things, girls. Oh, no. The thick Sophie's choice. What's that? What did you choose?

This is what I do with my time?

Checkers is fucking dead.

That's what I'm doing with my time. That's an old one.

And it was kind of weird. It's creepy. It has that, what is that? Uncanny Valley. Uncanny Valley. Yeah, your brain needs to know it's a joke.

Yeah, it's completely ridiculous. I didn't mean to have a beard. That was just, I was being lazy. I wasn't, like, trying to make a joke. By the way, I did impressions when I was younger. When I was in middle school, I would do them. And then I never... I started doing... A manager was like, don't do impressions. And then that face app came along, and I looked nothing like Trump.

So bad. The intro of it or something. I remember Hardball.

The first one I was doing was Trump.

Because I did Trump years ago. And I was like, oh, I can do Trump, because my face is the opposite of Trump. Stormy! Yeah. Stormy! Stormy! It's funny, I have the worst Trump. Like, I did Trump first, and it's the worst one. Now everyone does a better Trump.

Yeah, eventually there was a show, yeah, I was doing like full on, because that was like, I was just kind of doing little videos. And then it became like, I was crafting, you know, you were in one of them, Time Canceller. Like we had like crafted episodes.

You played Becky, the nurse. Yeah. Where's Time Canceler? Just to show Joe. I don't think you remember this. You probably don't remember, but Time Canceler was like a full episode where no one ever was like, hey, we can make this. And it wasn't dirty, and it got a lot of views. Hollywood never was. They were always like, no, thank you.

It is weird. It is weird.

Nurse Becky. You are really good in that. Thank you. Do you come up to that on stage? To Nurse Becky? Joe Rogan from the time canceling? Well, a lot of people bring it up at the airport. Yeah. Comes up there a lot. Do you... Do you have any, like, I don't want to be seen? You just like people coming up to you. How do you feel about that? Most people are nice.

You know, because of you, a lot of dudes come to my show, which is great.

It was mostly nobody. It was mostly neither people were coming to my shows. But now, it's great. People are coming to my shows. But it is like a sea of dudes. I did a tour and I started to count, are any girls coming to my show? And the only ones would come would be like, my boyfriend likes you. It's just something like that. And yeah, I saw thousands of people I didn't see.

There was never like three girls came to see me or something. It might be like one autistic girl.

I love, Tony's like, I like when comedians do well because it's so much pressure. Can you imagine the pressure of these comedians? Oh, God. It's like could change their, and there's nothing, you know, when you're young, you don't even know how to make it in show business. And there's just like one show that can, this was a direct link. But it also works.

Yep.

Yeah. He's made a lot of, like, careers.

I know. They have, like, the comedy baton right now. The funny thing is when someone doesn't do well and it's like dead silent, this makes me laugh, and Tony will go, holy shit. Tony's the worst. He's so mean. He's like, holy shit. He's so good at roasting. Oh, my God.

Yeah, he's unbelievably quick.

And Nikki Glaser was really funny. Yeah. Very funny.

It seems like everything is.

I know a comedian who still goes on stage with a mask and has it the whole time and comes in the whole time. I won't say. Puts it on when he's talking into the microphone. Comes in with it. Comes in. Maybe he takes it off. No. Yeah. I think he takes it off for the thing.

That's very funny.

You know what? Maybe he has like an immune disease. I don't know.

Don't you hate it when you're doing stand-up and you accidentally mouth it? There's been 15 comedians before you. And comedians are disgusting, let's be honest. We're all a disgusting group of people. And you're just like, okay, I've got to just wait for this disease.

I know a girl who brings her own microphone. Swear to God. The Stand. The Stand.

Yeah.

I don't know. How's she doing?

You ever see her movie that's weird because some of it's funny, then all of a sudden it's serious, and you're like, it goes back and forth from mixed genres, they call it.

Righteous Gemstones? Righteous Gemstones? You know what else? Edie Patterson, I love her. I was in the Groundlings with her. We would do sketches. Edie is like the daughter or something, but she's so funny. She's just weird and funny. It's a weird show.

Maybe they didn't. There's too many shows. I have a thing where I'm like, can you just not tell me another good show? Too many shows. I'm not caught up. The Baldwins, you watching that? No. Was it a sitcom? It's a reality show about Alec Baldwin and his terrible wife.

She's an awful, because I watch what women watch. That's what I enjoy. Does she fake the accent?

Cucumber? Cucumber?

And he goes along with it. Do you have that, her shushing him at like a red carpet? I saw it. Isn't it just awful?

Alex Baldwin can get like a really sweet, beautiful woman. He's Alex Baldwin. What happened? He would yell, they would run away. He would yell? No. I mean, he would yell.

It does make you forget about when he killed that lady a little bit.

Oh, yeah. That's another good way. I mean, Bruce killed that lady with the car, baby. That was Bruce. Just Bruce. That was like right after that. Have you ever seen the footage of the car, the reenactment? Like she was putting on lipstick or something. She was very distracted. What did they say about Alec Baldwin? Hold on. No, he was.

She was him.

Oh, yeah.

There's that nut shack. You can see the nut shack, yeah.

Did he have the... I think... I have no information, but I think so.

I know a guy. I'll tell Trump to release the files.

I love the script. It's so funny.

Yeah. No, I can do all the things. Whatever you say, I can do it. I'm good at it.

And he thinks it was a CIA hit?

He was so funny on that. I actually didn't like that theme song.

I'm so glad I don't have to do that. Ugh.

That Kennedy made? Yeah. No.

And we will get to the John Larroquette story, just anybody listening.

I want to see that, yeah.

Era secret societies.

What about the back and the left? This is what I heard. I don't know any information. But in Oliver Stone, he was like, back and to the left. Back and... But someone was saying, no, your head would go... would do that because it, like... From the shot from the back, your head would recoil back. I don't know anything.

Yeah, I didn't understand a word.

And people think they're smarter because their phone, they think that's them, too.

Ooh, I tried Grok, too, and it was really cool. I kind of felt like, I don't know, you could just see liking your AI friend. That's a problem with people.

Grok is saying some wild shit to folks. Oh, I know they have that different kind of stuff.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

When I first heard it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I love Ray. I bet you that part just was not good. It wasn't the actor's fault because you audition and then.

Yeah, not out in public. You can't fuck your car in public. You've seen that guy who fell in love with his car, that video. That's not real. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's the real thing. Are you sure?

Yeah.

Well, if he's as good an actor as Daniel Day-Lewis, maybe, but this was very believable. And he tells his dad, and it's... People fall in love with weird shit. It's just like a fetish thing. Bro, this is fake.

It's a hot car.

Yeah, yeah.

Figure it out. I didn't feel dumb, though. I wish I had that name, so I have a disease. Yeah.

If I grew up earlier, I would have been diagnosed on some kind of spectrum. I used to fly a kite until I peed my pants. That's a good move. Tongue out, like...

Oh, yeah. Pissing your pants in a fucking balsa wood structure flying in the air behind you. Yeah, I just loved it. That's a very Asperger-y, I think.

Touch it all.

We grew up, like, we're near the same age, I think. I think the worst food, like, when we were developing, the 70s food was just 80s. Just the biggest. I remember just having, like, that mac and cheese, mac and cheese. microwaved on this like plastic tray. Oh yeah. It's just all chemicals. Chemicals.

Peanut butter and fluff. You ever eat that? Oh. That was like lunch. Yeah. I'm going to have, I'm going to have a marshmallow for lunch.

And Wonder Bread, which is also. Sugar. We ate garbage. I used to go play golf obsessively for a while. I would walk 18 holes. I'd have a Snickers and a Sprite. I'd walk another 18 holes. I did this day after day. I was big into routine stuff. That was when I was growing. So I may have been taller. Had a carrot.

By the way, this was like a country club. We didn't grow up rich, but my dad, for like three years, had this country club. And the food was free. You had to spend like $1,000 a month or whatever on food. And no one else was going. My dad worked really hard. And I was the only one going. And instead of getting a lobster every day, we had Snickers. It was like 13-year-old Kyle. Damn. Yeah.

Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! All day!

Get a little bit of protein. Which isn't even a nut.

I want to promote my crypto coin real quick. That's my merch.

Oh, Joe Rogan coin. That'd be good.

Yeah.

That one was like way, I felt like way better. Like Three's Company sucks if you watch that now. That was like the number one sitcom. Snappers are still good. Yeah.

Yeah, it's really shady.

It is a little bit of like, if you fall for this, well, you shouldn't have money kind of thing, too. Like, all right, did you really?

No, no, I am. I actually am very interested in finance. No, I watch videos of finance. I watch finance videos like every night. I'm very into it.

Really? I've actually learned so much because of YouTube because I can watch the things. And I realize I'm actually interested in a lot of things. Yes, I know something about this tariff.

$80.

What did he make off that?

But I bet those first 12 hours, most people couldn't trade it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to play poker all the time. I went through a phase. I actually won the Borgata tournament. I won a tournament there. I had $6,000 in my... I had lost my luggage on a flight weeks before. I'm like, I'm not going to lose this cash because I didn't have too much money. So I put like $3,000 or something in my suitcase.

I'm like, I'm going to put like $3,000 in my pants because I'm not going to lose this money. And then I missed my flight. So now I slept over at the airport with giant wads.

I made it back.

I actually really studied and I was winning. I didn't make a ton of money, but I didn't lose a big amount of money. I think I'm like probably after playing 1 million hours, I'm up like $4. You know what I mean? It's like a total waste of my life.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can, especially in like Vegas, like with people come into, you know, there's having fun. You can just be very disciplined.

I know you're talking about bicycle casino commerce. Yeah. They're like, hey, Kyle. Kyle's back. Oh, yeah.

But I just, I stopped. It's a waste of time.

Yeah.

Texas, all of them is all like, just gotta fold, fold, fold, fold, you know, and just, you know, really be really disciplined. People just start fucking around and get drunk and you're just.

There's the math of it. And just once you know that, it's like, and then it becomes second nature. You'd know kind of right away. And then there's ESP. There's, yeah.

They wanted to see if you could turn something.

I went up to Vegas once, and I was depressed. I never get depressed. But situationally, I was like, I'm going to go just take five grand. I just drove to Vegas like a lunatic by myself. By yourself? Yeah.

No idea. I don't remember.

Oh, it was like... 5 p.m. ish it was like later I was actually about to do a show a live show on my YouTube channel and I was under so much stress it was like editing and writing and then it's just like all me and I just was like gonna you know all these characters I just was like really stressed out And I didn't think the show was good. And I'm like, just didn't do it.

And I just went, this is on top of, I was, the pandemic, I was so isolated. And then it was too much alone, you know, kind of thing.

Yeah, I think that kind of fucked me up a little bit.

Yeah.

I haven't had a steady girlfriend since. I think maybe I got weird or something. Did you? Do you feel like? I think I'm very normal, but I must be probably weird.

No, they won't.

Yeah, baby. You got bros watching. Yeah.

I don't want to say what you did. I don't think I- That was, by the way, what I had was ridiculous. Yes. And it was like, I wanted to take it off.

Okay.

What time does this come out?

Okay.

Ooh, this is good, actually. People are going to be like, oh, I got to see that.

Yeah. That really is going to be like nothing else on that channel. Game changer.

It was, yeah, it was unbelievable.

It's also such a high wire act. Because in doing a character, if you do SNL, it's, like, I'm sure very nerve-wracking. But this is, like, SNL, but you have no script. You've got to go, like, I've got to try to make things funny. And when you're dressed up like a thing. Shh, shh, shh. I won't say, I won't say. Yeah. But you're like, everything you say they think is going to be... Right.

It's got to be a joke. But it was really cool because right before we went on... I'm trying to say... I think I can say this.

No, no, no, but like... Tony will get mad. But I think this... The crowd didn't know.

And it was so exciting when they found out.

It was pretty badass.

I remember when you were going to go to Austin, and I'm like, this Joe guy doesn't know what he's doing. I was telling people that. This Joe guy doesn't know what the hell he's doing.

bizarre hallucination you're having it's like a leap it's like a field of dreams yeah you built it and then they came yeah so we're trying austin is now like a comedy town it's a huge one of the it's a huge live performance town already right because there's so much great music here there's a lot of vomit too a lot of puke a lot of homeless people a lot of great drugs that's what i hear

I wouldn't know. When are you moving here?

I do. This is a more inviting environment for a GalaQ anyway. I know. I have family back east, but I don't. They can move. I don't think they love me. I'm finding out I don't think they love me anyway. What happened? They just told me they didn't love me anymore.

Yeah. Wow. Which I respect. What did you say first? Huh? Did you say I don't love you first? No, no. I was like, I love you guys. And then they just kind of shook their heads. So no one visits me. Take a hint. Huh? Take a hint. Time to move. I know. I think it would... My career would be better out here, for sure.

Yeah, your club, though... is better than, and I'm not just saying that because I'm here, Joe. I'm not lying to you. But it's better than the Vulcan. I don't know if you've been to the Vulcan. It's a great club. Thank you. Tough call. Tough call. They probably get run off from people who can't get into your club. Yeah, they have a lot of great shows there.

It's like you or anybody who does things. He's been doing it for years.

Imagine how people come up with the concept of a show. And you would never come up with this, you would never go, this is gonna work right away, this Kill Tony format.

And the guy, I was so out of my mind nervous, and I could hear in the door this guy not doing good, panicking, and I just got calm, and I was like, I got this. Isn't that nice? Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's so good. And the show got canceled.

Well, there's probably also clips. If you put it together, it's... Maybe that's what it is. Yeah.

People just know that it's a highlight. Maybe it's all of them.

There's some value in having a live show now, which pops more than other. Because you can tell that show is improvised.

There's so many moments that are awkward and don't work. It makes it even more interesting to watch. It's dangerous. Yeah, it's also super stressful, but...

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Save it like the Larrakat story.

Now's the time. Now's the time. All right. Boy, this better be a good story. It doesn't have to be. It'd be funny if it's not. I think you're gonna get your wish. On this, only thing I've ever booked where I, a sitcom I ever booked, where I was like, I read, I did... I think it was like four callbacks. Finally, I got a sitcom. And it was like a reoccurring role.

And I played this girl's boyfriend. And she did not find me. I could tell she was like, ugh. Because we'd have a makeout scene. So we go to the table read. You know, the table read was like where the network come, and you all sit around, and they just laugh, and everyone's having a great time. So right before our table read, They go, Kyle, we got some new lines for you. Got like eight new lines.

They were like all new lines. And I knew how my reading was. We've talked about that. And so I'm panicking a little bit, like, okay, Kyle, you can do this, just read good, Kyle, I'm thinking in my head.

Yeah, like 90% of them don't, maybe even more, right?

So it's going around the table, it's like, ha, ha, ha, it's killing, gets to me, my line, I'm like, if I go to the store, then we can get it, and then death, then it goes around the table, ha, ha, ha, me, I found, and then afterwards, I'm like, oh, I think I'm fired. And it was so much like climbing a mountain to get this job. And then the next day, I didn't get a call. No one said you're fired.

So I come in the next day and I'm about to get to the door and the cast director's like, whoop. And she goes, you can go home. They're going to go a different direction. I said that. You can go home? You can go home. I got there. And she goes, but you're going to Iraq. That'll be cool. She was trying to make a small talk because I was going to Iraq like the next week. Did you stand up?

Yeah, USO tour. Kind of a hero, I guess. No one wanted us to see it. It was, yeah.

You can go home. Yeah. They're going to go a different way.

And then I get to go to Iraq, so that was my prize. You should have told them you can't read. I should have said... I'm dyslexic. You know you're so nervous and you want to be like, I'm not a problem and I can do it. Yeah. But anyway, show sucked. Damn, dude. Show sucked. Did it? Yeah.

I stole a pack. Someone got me a pack of NeuroGum. You like that stuff, huh? Well, I wanted a little pick-me-up. Want some coffee? I went online. No, I'm good now, but I was online, and I wanted to buy this stuff and try it, and I got scammed. It was like NeutraGum, the same packaging as NeuroGum.

Neutropics. Yeah, that's what Neuromint is. I know what that word means, but why don't you tell the audience?

I was in a situation. It was Set With The Entertainer Presents. It was a sketch show. And it was like, I was so excited. I remember that. Yeah, I joined mid-season.

Yeah, I could use a little memory booster. I don't sleep well enough. I'm really gonna try to fix that. What are you gonna do to fix it? You're gonna be really proud of me. You ready to be prepared? I'm ready. I have a jujitsu class on Monday, my first one. Really? That'll help you sleep. I think so.

Yeah. I actually do not have a neck for a choke hold kind of sport. I'm 30% neck.

You look great. I look like shit for 26.

Wow. So I... I get there mid-season, they're like, we need a white guy to pick on. I was a token white guy. And Louis C.K. was a writer, it was a great frickin' show. And he got into a fight with the Fox. Here's where I knew things were downhill. Now, I didn't sell my car. I had a really, and I'd pull up to the good spots, and it was like Lamborghini, you know, roll down.

Not and then no. Yeah. The answer is no to that.

I told them, give me the most beginner thing possible. Oh, they have to do it that way.

I would not want that. I don't want to get boners when I'm like, I would not want that.

Wait, let me guess. 20 questions.

I'm going to say Duncan Trussell takes pickleball.

Wait, I want to guess.

He's like, every day. I love it. I want that kind of money where I can just pay out and come over and play pickleball. Yeah, it was a trainer.

I'll destroy Kid Rock at pickleball. You think so? I'll destroy that guy. He's a clown. Whoa. Kid Rock is a clown.

Dude, I'm just saying.

Are we in like a Mad Libs episode?

Well, let me tell you what I think and I don't know anything. Good. Both of us don't know. This is a perfect time to speculate about the economy. This is all his negotiating. It's going to come down. It's not going to stay like this. The bad thing will be is if all the other countries go, fuck you, America, we're not going to negotiate. It's always a possibility. Then that's a problem, I think.

We are playing all together globally. He... It's like a woman from Poland. She's like, oh, you're a comedian? Tell a joke. And you're like, no, you're not going to find this funny. I can't tell you a joke. Tell a joke.

And then you tell me your cute little fucking joke. In my village... Yeah, that happened to me recently. I was like, I'm not telling you. It's not going to go well.

What do you do?

That's, that's still though, could be a conversation. Here's what I do on like a plane. I go, I work with computers and they're like, Oh, that's always shuts it down. Finances too. Yeah.

And it wasn't just a shitty car from like, the early 80s it was like I had another four accidents it was just a chunk and I just was like and so broke in a tiny apartment like let me just see if I can but it seemed like this is a hit show it was doing well okay and it's like first thing first sign it was like hey there's a Fox party tomorrow and I was like oh cool I made it in Hollywood

I forget you do UFC commentary. That's another great job.

Is there something you want to do that you haven't done? No. Are you looking? No.

Do you have a goal? No. Zero goals. Zero goals. What about retiring and traveling the world? I don't have any retirement ideas. No. No. Pyramids? You ever see those? I want to see the pyramids. I do too, but I think what's going to happen is you go, oh, there they are. And now you're like- I don't think so.

Can you go in them now at all? Yes, you can go in them. You can? Yeah, you can go in them. Okay.

This is where the guy died.

I really want to know how they built those. I really, I think that's a, those, you see some of those stones are so... I don't believe aliens or I don't believe that happened. I think people built that. But how did they get some of those stones up there?

Here's the answer.

So I go to this thing, and I'm like, where's Cedric? And they're like, oh, he got into a big fight with the Pettifox. He told me he was a douchebag. So I'm fighting him, like, that doesn't sound like a good idea. Oh, fuck. To get, so I'm like, it'll be fine. So then this is, we were about to go on right after American Idol, which was like the biggest show in the world.

Okay, I'm gonna push back on that. Please do. Wouldn't they have some metal?

So they probably had combustion engines.

I know you talk about we're this much smarter than a monkey.

So we're like, get ready for the rocket ship. And then this guy put Wanda's psych show, took Cedric off the air for like six weeks to put Wanda's psych, not off the air, but like, yeah, took, moved the spot. So Wanda's show was after, and then Wanda's got amazing,

um you know views so it gave them excuse to cancel cedric even though cedric was a hit it was like a fu cedric seems like a nice guy yeah he was very cool nice to me how what happened he did get on the phone during my audition though at one point i was in the middle of auditioning he was like Yeah, and it was kind of a casual call. It was clearly not an emergency. But I just powered through.

Thank you. Thank you for watching. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for watching.

But he was a very cool, good guy.

What do you mean?

Died.

Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. You know who wrote that?

He was the first guy.

Such a nice guy. I had... That Cedric show was also... I had an episode where it was like my episode, where it was like I had three sketches I wrote that was going to be... It was my big coming out. And I literally came out, right? And I was like, what's going on, you guys? And shock and awe started. Remember the Iraq war? And it just was gone. And I told everybody, like, that's my big show.

Yeah. I actually don't know, but yes.

And it just... That happened, and then it just was over. And I never sold my car. I was back to my studio apartment.

And it's so hard to make a funny sketch show. They try to plop people together. You need... You know, real synergy with the cast and the writers have to figure out how people are funny. It takes a while. The first set of SNL cast, they already worked together. And that's why they were like gelled right away. I mean, one of the reasons.

But all these sketch shows they put together and they'll say, don't pitch a sketch show. They never work. It's because they like pluck people who don't even do sketch.

Exactly, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. By the way, Milli Vanilli. They got a bad deal. Not to change topics, but.

Vladimir Pukin is... Not Pukin. The guy. The guy without the shirt, man. He's a bad dude. He's a liar, man. Not to be trusted. So I don't believe a word that guy says. He's like Corn Pop. Some guys in the world, man, you just can't trust a man. Hey, did you shit my pants or did I?

Huh? What did I do? You said it. You said it, Kyle. I didn't say nothing about that.

Twas the minute before my hooker gets here and all through the house. My penis was stirring because I just took a dick pill. So while we wait for my whore and my boner, I would like to take this minute to explain to zillennials what being an adult is. It's when you take money you worked hard for at a job. to give to a black hooker. For her to twerk on your penis.

Inside a house that isn't owned by your parents. I'm sorry, I forgot. Twerking isn't for giving a man a boner. It's for teaching women how to be CEOs. Okay, that's good.

And now another episode of Bill Maher reading to children. Okay, hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. Oh really? A cow jumped over the moon? It took NASA astronauts going 17,000 miles an hour a week to get to the moon. This is bullshit. A cow couldn't jump over one of you stupid idiots during nappy time, okay? Oh, you're crying now? I'm on page two.

Buckle up, assholes.

Tell me why. Damn Triple H. Damn his soul. You son of a bitch.

What's up?