Laurel van der Toorn

It really depends on what kind of adult relationship you have with your parents now.

Because not all parents have done a bang-up job.

And not all parents are, you know, for whatever reasons, maybe their particular trauma history, their emotional maturity and capacity, ability to show up and be consistent.

A lot of people have resentment toward parents or a really complicated relationship there.

So I would say, no, you don't owe parents.

No.

But it's developmentally appropriate.

I mean, when you look at the developmental tasks of every age, honestly, most of them are getting farther and farther from your family of origin in a very like Western traditional culture sense.

There are some cultures where that's not the case.

But, you know, the primary task of adolescence is differentiating yourself.

That's why we do like the blue hair and the kind of little rebellions that aren't actually harmful as a way of exploring who am I separate from my parents and my family.

And that continues in a more mature way in your 20s.

Who am I in the world as an independent adult?

Now, there are plenty of family systems where there's enmeshment or there's a family crisis.

I have a friend whose mom had a major stroke a week after she graduated college, and that sure interrupted that process for her.

But it's kind of normal stuff.

It can if you don't also instill a value of family and community.

When I was reading the article for this taping we're doing today, it sounds like that was the only thing the parents set out to instill in her kids.

And they sure absorbed it.

Independence, success, ambition.