Lisa Lampanelli

Let's not worry so much about airplane turbulence or not making fun of people or loving yourself just because.

So they'll wish they had BPAs in their system and toxins and smushed heads and peanut allergy.

I feel like that's going to really disrupt the sort of the beauty of your eulogy.

It's going to be like you're going to start out talking about the kids and their souls, their beloved souls.

And then it'll get... Their beautiful, pure souls.

And then somehow it's going to turn on Lynette.

It's a death trap.

Fucking wake up, everybody.

Your kid or your kid's friend, the kids drown.

They drown a lot.

They drown in pools.

They drown in bathtubs.

They drown in buckets of water if you turn your back.

Your kid getting abducted, statistically, incredibly unlikely.

But you're going to go to great lengths to have them fingerprinted and all of this.

But what's really way more likely to happen is he's going to fall in a pool.

That's it.

Between those two things, think of the lives that we could save.

Now, what about the German guy from Inglourious Bastards?

They get him to do some PSAs?