Luis J. Gomez

I've never seen a red band look worse than right now.

He looks like he crawled out of the fucking sewer today. What are you talking about?

This guy was actually funnier than you.

Okay, Trish. My mustache is covered in shit right now, just so you know.

Okay, this is getting weird.

I love how we just didn't give a shit about her friend at all.

To be fair, I also would have killed myself with drugs if I had to hang out with you. Yeah, it is true.

Yes, sir.

When the rapists become the raped.

I love how you're speaking a Puerto Rican accent Mexican. He's just trying to get us deported, bro.

I'm Irish, I'm Irish, Tony. Can I offer you some ketamine?

Also, you guys have the same fucking voice.

All right. Don't make me give you the fist. Whoa. Yeah, they're actually racist. They're like a Puerto Rican and a black guy. We didn't pay for this shit. Yeah, exactly. This is Texas. Where's the white people?

I think so. It's 20-some-odd appearances. This is where brothers from back in the day was doing this show when it was in the Comedy Store belly room. 20, 30 people in the crowd. Look at this shit. You guys are going to Netflix.

You're actually worse at selling boots than you are at comedy. That's crazy.

Well, I'm shadow banned from most platforms, Tony. Well...

I'm starting to think that Cam beat the shit out of this girl. He said it way too many times that he didn't. No.

So this was a black wedding?

Oh, wow. I've never been to a black wedding. That's wild.

Only in the black community do you have to clarify that your aunt is older than you.

Quarter weekends, it's true. I have an aunt who's one year younger than me.

So you had to punch that white fat chick in the face again. No, it was a black fat bitch. It was a black fat chick. Never mind.

Because he loves orange chicken.

Okay. I like this guy. He's got a swag to him. I think the other comics bummed the audience out so much that he didn't do as well as he would have done. So I blame the other comedians for... It is true.

You're an adult.

What the fuck you playing baseball for?

All right, hold on. Pretend Tony's a girl you're hitting on at a bar.

How tall are you? Because you are adorable.

You're like, well, it was cool, man. Don't worry. Hey, babe. No, it's all good.

Right.

It was more like an exclamation point.

Sure.

Wait a minute, you gave her access to your apartment? Yeah, but she said- That's not breaking in, you fucking idiot. You gave her the keys to your apartment. A stranger you let into your apartment who had pan attacks in the shower. That is completely on you.

I love it.

Yeah, you did one. Lamer, you're doing one now.

La Mer always has peanut butter on his gums. He's a big fan of the Kentucky Slurpee.

Tony, you compare me to the horse girl. Come on, dude. Let her quit that job. Have her be the horse girl on the show. It's a drop in the bucket, Tony.

Let me ask you a question. Colton, would you like to go back to New Orleans this November 14th or 16th?

We would love to have you at Skankfest this year, brother. He's doing Skankfest. We would love to have you. You were a fucking killer. Not only did you do the best out of the night, but it was dark, genuinely funny fucking comedy. My type of shit. I really dig your shit, dude. Thank you, man. Very confident. You're going to have a blast there.

For a man that is so grotesque, you have so much confidence. It's unbelievable. Yeah.

Let's talk about it. I'd love to hear about it. You're just fucking great, though, dude. You got a great energy. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. And if you're friends with fucking Redbin, you're friends with LaMere, I know you're a fucking A-class dude, so I'll see you in New Orleans at Skankfest.

All right, that bit was so fucking funny. I didn't have an ending, though. I was, like, trying to find it. No, it was fucking, it was literally perfect. I leaned into Tony. I was like, he just fucking wrote that? That's crazy. It's so, you're so talented. Every time I see you on this show, I'm blown the fuck away. Genuinely, I think one of the best comics working today.

Genuinely, I really mean that. Oh, thank you.

No, the general sale for Skank Fest is May 2nd. Pre-sale VIP tickets are already gone, but May 2nd, they're going to sell out very quick. May 2nd.

Maybe you should stop doing really nerve-wracking activities like performing in front of large groups of people.

What else? Lewis. We should have him go fight the Ukrainians in Russia. You never know when I'm going to throw one, you know?

Okay. Okay. Is your favorite band the Alabama Shakes? No, Shaky Graves.

Dude, you made D leave.

With all of that charisma.

You're really bumming me out, dude. I know, I'm so sorry. I mean, Jesus Christ, I have to say it.

You got a warrant for a burning bush?

You call this city a city with law and order? Are you out of your fucking mind? The homeless people should light themselves on fire here.

I feel like the issue today is that everyone here is so unlikable, and their families didn't want them home for the holidays. That's what's happening. So everyone back there is just some fucking boring fucking asshole. We're like, all right, dude. Another person we don't want to spend time with.

100%.

They can only sing Silent Night?

He said, go do an open mic. That's not good advice. That's just like, get out of my face. Yeah.

Tony, did you just have a stroke?

Did you say abortion?

If you would have put the girl on a roller coaster, she wouldn't need an abortion.

His favorite song is Enter Sandman. Yes.

That's why they call them Tommy Tickles.

I think Drew, he's the sweetest fucking man on earth. He's naturally a very funny guy. He has a speech impediment and might be retarded, but beyond that, I think he's fucking truly great. I really like you, Drew. You know that.

Is A-Bomb your real name?

Jesus.

But no, it was good. You said you were watching the Special Olympics. Are you sure the TV wasn't off and you were just looking at your reflection in the black screen?

Absolutely. How bad was this guy? Jesus. Nerd. Holy shit!

I just figured we should all leave. You guys obviously want to fuck each other. That was crazy. We all just watched that happen. Hey, Lewis, cool hat. Yeah.

You got me, dude.

I don't know.

Yeah.

We'll be right back.

I'm starting to think that he's not a comic and he's just trying to advertise this restaurant. Yeah, I think so. Come to Pushkin, please.

I wouldn't inject.

The pills are going to fry your liver. No, I don't take pills. I take a little powder.

You got to snort it? A little powder.

That would just be boss. You could probably snort creatine. I bet you it would go into your body the exact same way. I'll do a line of creatine with you right now.

have you seen yeah creatine drip a lot of people love it have snorted creatine without realizing get the creatine yeah creatine and baby right now it's bump lines of creatine right now on the show what a fun what a fun bit i bet call of duty would love that you can just do lines off that fucking load box or whatever that shit is that's what it's for

I don't need to have some pussy doctor tell me what my number is.

A lot of them wear makeup to hide it, and now it's becoming a thing where they're normalizing it, and you're like, nah, dude, get that makeup back.

Small nipples.

Do you ever run, you ever run in the cold and like your shirt rubs against your nipples, your nipples get all chafed.

I have beautiful nipples. You have big nipples? No, I have nice little Puerto Rican nipples. Do you really? Little fucking brown pepperonis.

it's the fucking scariest dude i wish i had that confidence because sam hyde specifically tries to make himself as ugly as possible i'm like he just has whatever it is like the way he's wired he's like no i'm gonna look at like the biggest fucking ugly freak and every time i did yeah he's high for sure oh he's super high that's like yeah that's a problem

I'm going to go back.

I tried to get him to put me on testosterone. He was like, no. It's not even like a scam where he was trying to get me to like. He was like, no. He was like, you smoke and drink every day. He was like, stop doing that.

That's all. I'm very self-conscious about my ass, though. It's kind of flabby. What? The doctor's going to do it.

Dude, my butt sucks.

No, I should have a nice. Dude, I bet Matt's ass is a fucking thing of beauty.

Matt does have a dog.

His acting is unbelievable. No, he's really good. He's unbelievable. This season's great. I mean, the first four episodes blew, but now we're fucking getting... Now we're cooking. Now we're cooking. Episode five, episode six. It's really just brothers jerking each other off. Now I'm completely... But that's the funniest thing possible. It's hilarious. It's unbelievable.

They kissed, and I was like, that's not that bad, guys.

You always think it's because he knew.

Yeah, she might be the best character on the show.

Yeah, Parker Posey. She's fucking hilarious.

wants to keep that rumor at bay because those two girls know so he might want to fucking murder these fucking sluts i think so that's a fair one i heard a really good theory from one of my producers they think a monkey gets a hold of the gun because they keep on showing monkeys i had a feeling somebody from legion of skanks was going to come up with the dumbest

You don't think it could be monkeys?

We just watched.

But I can get past being jerked off by my brother if we were both blacked out on drugs. No chance. But you remembered. Just the drugs. It's not you. It's like you guys chose to do it. No way. Never, ever. I don't have a brother. Maybe I have to have a brother.

anyway that's what it reminds me of just to hang over the next day being like oh my god what'd we do yeah you do have to bury it and move on like that was a you could you could file that under like that was a truly wild night yeah that was drugs i don't know if it was like if they're completely sober i would understand like wanting to fucking kill yourself and like yeah but it's like you know people do crazy shit on drugs

Yeah, there was a lot of weird, like, incestual shit. A lot of buildup.

he was like is she a virgin i was like she's hot like why is she not like yeah it's like so we it was a weird sort of conversation yeah and then the younger the younger brother and the younger the sister sort of have like a little bit of like they're a little too close yeah well the older brother is like just a sexual pig and then it's just coming full circle like the thing that he prizes the most the older brother rules it's all we're talking the whole weekend that's all we've been talking about because i feel derosa is just calling people pigs and that's the funniest the

You know, pigs choose a best friend. I saw this on my Instagram algorithm.

They choose a best friend and they'll have sleepovers with them.

Yeah.

And we were all like, damn. Dogs are the same. They're just very, like... It's almost like, aren't you embarrassed? Just fucking hump your leg and come. Oh, yeah. You jack off on airplanes. Not in front of anybody. Imagine your loved ones were like, that's just like jacking off in front of your family, just coming on the couch.

Yeah, I mean, that story might be more famous than any song they've ever made. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact that the Gallagher brothers hate each other. Yeah, it's some bullshit.

Yeah. He's a piece of shit.

Oh, he's a huge pig.

I mean, dude, rape is a very big.

Damn. And then he, like, punched some old guy at a bar one time. Dude, if you just, like, if you... He's a pig, dude. He's a classic pig.

But also, like, if an old guy's talking shit to you at a bar, at what point do you punch him? There's a moment where you're like, yo, I fucked this dude. I'm gonna just beat this old guy's ass.

Well, the guy, he tried to buy the old guy. He was like hammering on coke. He tried to buy him a drink. And the old guy was like, I don't want a drink. And he was just offended that he wouldn't take his drink. So then he punched him.

I think it's in the Ukraine. They're getting fucked up. True.

What have you been up to?

Just working hard, man. Working hard. I told you guys I applied for Beast Games.

Let me pull the trigger.

I didn't watch it yet.

I have to talk to my attorney. I like to ask for a brief recess. Covering your face.

Thora Birch and Meena Suvari. Thora Birch? I don't know any of the adults' names.

I don't know a single adult's name in that movie. That's a crazy deep cut, too. No, Thora Birch. Yeah. How do you not know her name?

Meena Suvari? Yeah, you're the one with Scott. You have high D, bro.

I'm pretty sure Meena Suvari was an adult in that movie. Like, in real life.

I don't know.

I can't name a single other Thor movie. Who's the actress in that old Romeo and Juliet movie? Oh, dude, I loved her.

No, no, no, I got it. Fuck, I got it. I really have this. She just died. What?

Was that Leo, too? Was it the Leo? No, no, no. That was fucking flat-chested Claire Danes. Show those little shitty titties in your mind. What was that guy's name? He might be Mr. Celeb, or what was that? Dude, what's her fucking name, dude? Give me the first letter. Fuck.

Olivia, Olivia, what was the last name? Olivia Hussey. I just got a slutty name. You're going to get punched at Walmart, dude. You're going to get punched at Walmart, dude. All-time top picks. You're going to get caught at Walmart. Olivia Hussey, yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Because when I was in high school, they showed us that, and we were all just like, she was so hot. What happened in that one?

They just showed, like, they had a naked scene. They also showed that guy's butt, Romeo's butt.

He had a sweet, rocking ass. Romeo's ass was fucking delightful. We should get more. Yeah, there should be more representation.

When's the last time you saw High School is Fair? I mean, we think we watched it on Legion of Skanks.

It's not illegal. It's not illegal. Yeah. What? To watch it now. If it's in a movie.

it's in a movie yeah i might have been in the room that's why i'm like where do i remember this from yeah but you don't see like you do only see rocking asses from men on tv we got to start nice dog butt on yeah man well yeah nobody's showing they're like dude my ass i feel bad like i get naked in the locker room now with my little pud and my fucking flabby ass it's so funny i just do it to make everyone else uncomfortable

Everyone else in the locker room has a flappy fucking crazy ass. If you're showing your ass and your dick, it's because you have a nice ass and a nice dick. The other guys put a towel around themselves, take their underwear down underneath the towel. I don't do that anymore. You just rip it.

I'm at that age where I feel good naked in a locker room around other men. I was thinking about that today. They're like, dude, gay dudes, it rules for them. They just go to a locker room and just see all these hot dudes with their cocks out. Like, they should have their own locker room. Nothing hateful there. I'm just saying, they should put gays in their own locker room.

$10 million was the grand prize on season one. But how do you get it, though? I don't understand.

You get so much dust in your eye, you'd be 600 feet up like, God damn it.

I used to tear the legs off of daddy long leg spiders.

It's just a little fucking ball.

gotta be terrifying yeah sucks poor guy but yeah we should do stuff like that frogs all that shit yeah i never did anything a handful of like bugs i would torture but not really even torture i mean i guess it's torture if you're tearing all of its limbs off yeah yeah it's literally a medieval do you think it hurts torture they did that to william wallace

Do they grow their legs back?

They might have to grow their legs back.

Yeah, yeah.

I have an interview with Mr. Beast. What if I have Mr. Beast himself interviewing me? That'd be cool.

No, they don't want my viewers.

Unless you stop naming underage girls that have been naked in movies.

Yeah, it's not my fault.

I think American Beauty is the last one where they put a naked child in the movie.

Remember, like, Brooke Shields in fucking, what was it, The Blue Lagoon? No. Dude, when I was a kid, I would beat my dick until it was fucking, I mean, until it was in pain to that movie. And I believe she was a genuine child. How old was Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon? She had to be like, yeah, maybe, all right, La Mer. He's like, oh, yeah, 14, right?

Also, that kid's ass was sweet in Blue Lagoon. 14, nailed it, La Mer.

La Mer, one of the all-time pigs. What was she doing in the Blue Lagoon? It was her brother and her were shipwrecked, and then they were on an island, and they were both just naked the whole time, and they start banging. And that's the whole movie. Her brother? It is just a straight-up child-born movie. Incest child-born, too. Yeah, I believe that was the premise of it.

It's the Blue Lagoon. Oh, they're cousins. They were cousins. He had a sweet ass, I remember.

Yeah, dude, they start banging into, I guess, creative society. I have no idea. I don't know if they ever get rescued. I remember seeing her as a kid being like, she's so beautiful.

You've been jacking off to the wrong scene. I've been jacking off to an adult.

It's straight up child porn, dude.

You know how many times you have to watch the original movie to remake it?

In the original story? Maybe. Back then, dude, Shakespeare times, that's when you'd have a baby. You'd marry and have a baby. Life expectancy of like 25.

What was that show on HBO now? With Zendaya?

Euphoria.

Well, that was like that movie It Follows.

It was pretty sick.

It's a fucking horror movie about an SCD. Yeah.

Yeah, It Follows is pretty wild, though. It's actually the first time I was scared in a movie in a long time.

So it starts off as a hundred thousand dollars and then it's going to keep, they go, it's just going to keep rising. And if you hit the button, you take the, the, the money, your whole team gets eliminated, which helps you, which, and then you stay in, which helps you get a chance to win to a million dollars. And all four leaders didn't take the million dollars.

you

Yeah, they all vote who they think is the most trustworthy. I would do... That's my thing. I got to get in in the first couple episodes, act like I'm a sweetheart.

Is Beast Game still ongoing? No, the first season's done. But the guy who won, he was a really nice guy. His kid's got some disease, some creatine deficiency disorder. Damn. And he's like, dude, I'm going to use this entire $10 million to cure my son's disease. You're like, that's a good guy. Yeah. That guy should win the game. I'm going to buy a jet and hookers. Yeah.

So I'm going to spend all my money on hookers from Verdansk, and I'm going to fly them in. Wait, the son can't produce creatine? I guess it's something.

I take it. So do I. I don't know what it is. I can tell you take it too, by the way. You can tell I'm getting all swollen. You did get jacked.

See, you look like me. I look like I'm fucking drowned.

Ooh.

Wait, on a video game, you're playing as high schoolers?

Your body adapts to the... Yeah, it just gens it up.

And you were playing as the high schooler?

You had a private jet. No, I wasn't on a private jet. I jerk off on almost every flight I'm on. Whatever it is, the way I sit, I have fat thighs, so it just feels like my dick is inside of something, and I just get turned on by sitting for that long, and I go get one out. I shoot it right into the sink. The sink? The sink. I'll usually run with paper towels, and then I, you know.

You play as girls in Call of Duty? Dude, I'll be that chick she's got like Vitiligo.

11 hours, I would have jacked off five times on that flight. It was close. In your mind? It was close.

Quick one. Yeah, just shoot it. And also, my head hurts immediately for some reason.

I get a really nasty headache after I come out of the fucking vampire.

Maybe.

I stopped smoking weed five months ago. Are you totally straight edge? No, I drank here. I shouldn't have. But now I'm back to not drinking again. This was a lot.

But what brought it to your attention? My doctor saying I had the tea of a young lady. What? He was like, are you a 12-year-old girl?

It was 339 was my testosterone number. I don't even know what that means.

I was talking about it on the podcast and Tony Hinchcliffe was like, I'm going to set you up with my tea guy. I was like, it's okay, Tony. I'm not taking your testosterone. Close your eyes and open your mouth. I'm going to give it to you.

I want to be more horny. I want to jerk off more.

It's all you do.

I would not have you pegged for low tea. I'm turning 43 next week. It was the lower end of average for my age.

Maybe. I don't know. I mean, it was, you know.

Yeah, yeah. That's my shit. How did it work on you? I think so. I'm getting my teeth tested on April 3rd, so we'll see if I've raised my testosterone levels.

It's too much information. We know too much. We were all good. But before we had social media and we can communicate, we used to be able to talk to six people. Nobody was comparing tea.

I used to read astronomy all the time. Space, animals, animals attacking you. Yeah.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience.

It feels like your skin is like, ugh.

That's the ones Jay's talking about. They're the most disgusting creature in the world, those water bugs in New York City. That's what we used to call them growing up.

And it's like one month a year that they actually fly. But when they do, man, they just become the grossest thing.

Well, there's all types of... I live out in the country now, and there's all types of animals that I don't love that are around, but nothing's gross like that. There's a bobcat that we've caught on our camera a few times. I'm like, I don't really want that thing around. They're kind of cool, though. Yeah, it's cool. It's not disgusting.

So it came over in a- So in 2020, in the summer of 2020- Illegal immigrant flies.

But I know they said in the summer of 2020, we started seeing these little bugs we had never seen before, and they said you're supposed to kill it. They said you're supposed to kill it if you see it. And immediately we were like, I don't work for you, government. I'm not going around killing your bugs. And then by the next summer, there was like 10 times as many.

And the next summer, there were like 10 times as many.

Kind of. Yeah, they're like a little red.

It was only like this for like two weeks last summer, but there were two weeks where my yard was unusable. Like you just could not go out. It's about a month.

Locusts. Cicadas.

Wow.

And they land on you. They're not afraid. That's it. Two strikes, China. Don't you try this shit again.

They would do this thing in my old place. We used to, like, we'd have, like, there's, like, a sliding glass door, and we'd have just, like, the screen open. And it was, like, in the weeks where it was bad, every ten minutes you'd look over there, and there's, like, four of them on there. And then you'd hit the screen, and they kind of fly off, but then they just fly right back.

And if you, like, left the room and came back, you'd come back, and there's four of them. 50 of them, like, on your screen. It's just gross.

Oh, yeah. Because there's a weird line there. It's like, if they dip, you're almost like, maybe they deserve rights.

Like, if you go, I'm not going to have a dry nugget.

They came down and they were like, you weren't at all, but I just thought you were about to make a really racist joke. No, no, I'm being real. I'm 100%. They love Kool-Aid. You're like, easy, Lewis. Come on, man.

I'm thinking of the one, was that the one on a TV show?

What kind of bear?

Okay, those are the... Because what do I got in Jersey by me? It's the black bears. Black bears.

He's biting her fingers It's a funny thing because especially like little kids like they all of their like stories and shows and it's all like nature personified and things like that like I remember like um my uh my daughter when she was like three Asking me why like bugs are running away from her like why is the spider running away or whatever it is? It's like honey

He's like, well, you know, he thinks you're gonna kill it because you might actually kill it. But then you almost, bears, especially the young ones, look so fucking cute. You just look at them and you're like, oh my God.

That I've seen videos of, which is insane. I think I saw you playing it on the show. Chimps eating monkeys. But chimps eating monkeys is like dark.

All right, we got to bring the seagulls into Manhattan. We'll figure out the seagull problem next.

We, one time in, I think actually it was the last time that we all did your show together. The three of us did it. And it was back when you were in LA and I was staying in some Airbnb out in the hills. And me and my wife heard, we were literally sleeping at night and we heard, I believe, coyotes attacking a dog. What? And it was, like, the saddest thing to hear.

Because you just, you hear them, like, come up. And then it's, like, 30 seconds of the dog going... And my wife loves dogs. She was like crying. And she's like, we have to do something. And I was like, we will be doing nothing but letting this happen. You can't do it.

It's pitch black outside. I was going to go out there with a lantern. Pussy.

So they started to learn.

It might have been an honest mistake. They thought it was a moose. We're used to this. And that's how much folk music sucks.

Jersey's called the Garden State, but everyone, when they think of Jersey, they think of Newark or Camden.

Most of New Jersey is not anything like that. It's just... Mountains and woods.

Well, it's like the same way people think of Pennsylvania. They think of Philly and Pittsburgh and shit, but most of Pennsylvania is not, they're not producing Jay Oakerson's out there. They're making like, it's you, but you just went in the lumberjack direction.

Well, even if you're in the suburb of a big city, you know, like if you're if you're in kind of nowhere, but there's a half hour bus. to like a city where something's happening. But there's people, I remember talking to Jeff Dice, who's a really brilliant dude. He was Ron Paul's chief of staff for years. But so where Ron Paul is, it's like two hours south of Houston.

Lake Jackson, I think, was the name of his district. And he was telling me, he was like, dude, there's nothing here. Like, there's no, like, if you're a kid coming up here, it's like, I don't know, we got an Arby's, and we got like, and that's where so many of those kids joined the military. Because that's like the only... Or juggalo.

Or there's one other option, oft-overlooked option, become a juggalo.

Very fun.

Yeah, there is something about when it's from thousands of years ago. It's easy to go like, look, there was a burning bush and God spoke to this guy. And you're like, when? Like 5,000 years ago. You're like, all right, fine. But when you're just like three Wednesdays ago, it happened. You're like, I'm not buying that.

It's gonna raise a few eyebrows if you bring baby Jesus to the daycare.

Legally, you can.

Yeah, he's going to have to take this to the Supreme Court.

So in some areas, it's illegal to have these names. Not all areas.

He was... He tricked him. I was just thinking... He tricked him.

I'm gonna catch this little kid.

How old were you?

I think every one of these stories is going to end with Jay being spun around and his shirt lifted up. Like Uncle Herb gets in there.

I saw a couple of them. Yeah, and what is it?

I remember when it landed, I was rooting for him to be drunk. Like I just wanted him to come out and say, I fucking did it.

Thank God we all survived being that age, because you're just so stupid, and yet you're in the body of kind of a grown-up, and you just have all this testosterone and fucking being young and not knowing. I could so easily, if I lived in Philly, have been at one of those things.

You would have.

Yeah, with the internet. To make internet videos, yeah. 15, 20, I don't know. Honestly, maybe. Never.

I checked a couple places. 1980s. Look at that. It's Instagram, actually.

Yes. That's how I saw it first. It's a thing from the Bay Area.

Yeah, especially, all I'm saying, I don't know enough about that whole conspiracy and stuff, but it is crazy if you're like, if you remember the 80s and 90s, the transformation from hip hop, from being like the KRS-One kind of like, there were like all these songs about like cleaning up their streets and listening to your dad and like.

Rap was just, it took this drastic turn from being very positive, pro-black kind of thing, to just all of a sudden being like, we're killing everybody, and fuck bitches.

He was so great. For his time in rap, he was fucking incredible. Bro, he's such a good writer.

I think that was basically the thing, was he wrote all the songs.

That DOC guy probably wrote a bit, too.

2019.

Mm-mm.

It does feel like it's a Scarface song that you could read one of these books to.

100%.

Well, that's why the people who defend it, they always go, I don't know, have you ever been to one? Like, it's just a guy in a dress reading a story. It doesn't have to be weird. But then you're like, you know what would be even less weird is a guy not in a dress reading a story. Or just a teacher.

I just saw DJ Paul at Gathering of the Juggalos.

thing, though. They had to have a moment where they were like, alright, it's a choice between throwing stuff or rap music.

That should be the judge of all of it, though. Like you said before, it's like, what does this actually do for you? Forget whether any of it's real. It's just like, are you happier? Is your life better because you're a juggalo? If so, then do it.

Yeah. We're the second one.

Well, yeah, and I feel like now, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like almost like the tide has turned in some weird way. Like it's kind of coming back. It definitely has. There were like these big moments. I think like when they tried to cancel you and that didn't work. Yeah.

Shane getting SNL, just like big things where it's kind of like, oh, they're almost admitting, okay, we lost the great censor comedians war. But for those years, I think it was good to have Legion of Skanks for a lot of those comics. I was just like, well, this is the place where you could still do whatever you wanted.

There's a few shows that have big audiences on Rumble. They're bigger than Rumble. Yes, that's kind of the dynamic. Google and YouTube, which are one and the same now, it is amazing how they just became the thing for something that there's no clear reason why there should be one thing. But nobody is like, if you say something and you go, is that true? And I go, yeah, bing it.

And then all the power in the universe is that algorithm now. It's insane. Saying how much a formula has this much power. And if YouTube decides we're going to push this person, they could make someone one of the most influential people in the world.

All I know is YouTube thinks I want to see Ben Shapiro a lot more than I want to see Ben Shapiro. YouTube's like, I'm pretty sure you're going to love this guy.

Yeah, he's big.

Also, if you're an adult and you're arguing with a child, a 19 year old, a 20 year old, the goal of it, it should always be with the tone of a like, well, look, let me let me give you something to consider. Like maybe I get why you feel that way. But like, hey, maybe look at it this way. It should never be like I want to have the crowd go. Oh. Oh, you destroy. It's like, what are you doing?

But...

Better learn how to read, Dave. You want to make it in this business.

Low energy and levels.

He's very good. Some comedians just have that gift of luring you into their world. Nate Bargatze is very like that. When you watch him, you slow down, and you just kind of sink into his speed. I can't kill unless I'm yelling at the audience.

You're hot. You don't have a fucking personality. Get out of here. Go fuck yourself. Even though there are good-looking people who are hilarious and have good personalities, but generally speaking...

It's like, look, I either got to get funny or do donuts in the streets of Philadelphia.

Same guys. The best was early in it, like in March and April, when they would all take videos from their mansion and be like, we're all in this together. Stay home.

I don't think they will. They'll never acknowledge they were wrong.

Dude, there's going to be a lot of books written about this period in time.

Nah, you wouldn't have had anyone even fighting back against it if it wasn't for the internet. It would have all just been the CNN guys.

That I object to the most.

Who knows how they even wiped their ass? Dude, you had to be so horny in the 1600s to just power through all of that to have sex.

Save me all that shit about carbon emissions, by the way. We're doing great. This is way better than what it used to be.

also that he's like, I was the black person five minutes ago.

All the, like... basically across the country, even like California, but like all the like areas that you think of as like the hood, it's like Oakland or Compton or Newark or Crown Heights or any of the, those were all white areas up until like the 60s and then like a bunch of black people from the South came up and then all the white people left.

I was on one of those apps to hire a babysitter recently, and it's a very weird thing. I'd never done it before, and it's almost like a dating app. You're swiping left and right, but it's for babysitters, for your kids. And I will say... And I'm on the Legion of Skanks. I'm a comedian. I hang out in a pretty seedy world.

My grandma really, in her mind, the only brown person at the table had the most racist white grandmother.

But it is amazing how judgmental you get when you're just judging a person off their face over whether they're going to watch your kids. It was like nose ring.

And it is like, the thing that was real interesting about the first one, and I think probably is true about this, although I haven't seen it yet, is that even though he's obviously like a real right-winger, it's not like that's the movie. Like, the movie isn't even making a right-wing argument or anything like that. It's just like... letting these crazy left-wingers showcase how crazy they are.

Okay, you tell them. It was nuts. He just went up to these, in the first one that I did see, he just went up to these gender experts and just kept asking them what a woman is. And they all just collapse into themselves. This is the toughest question they've ever thought of.

Well, now it's way higher than that with young people because there's not... a real thing to be in trans anymore. It's the new goth, dude. It's the new goth.

False. According to law professors, I guess.

Well, threatening is a little bit more concrete than abusive. Abusive is really vague. Like, what do you mean? Verbally abusive?

Well, no, but see, even this is in a kind of a little bit vague way because he's saying asserting that sex is a biological fact. So if I just say men are men and women are women, that can't be a crime. But can calling an individual, like, could be like, no, you're not a woman, you're a man. Could that be considered abusive or whatever? It's all the interpretation. Like, what is that, you know?

What if you don't threaten them, but if you hypothetically, if that dude was like, I am a woman, and I was like, if you were a woman, I'd slap the shit out of you right now. But you're a man, so I'm afraid you might beat my ass.

I think we figured them out pretty early on in the game. Clothes? Yeah. No. It was a leaf you put over your head.

What I should say is I think pretty early in the game of being humans. So, like, whenever they're, like, they trace, like, the genetic to, like, this is when we consider you, like, a modern homo sapien.

Human beings got close they got to Europe and they were all right.

He's Nazi on the left side and gay on the right side. I was going to say, they make them sort of flamboyant-y, too.

I think it's still the same guy. Yeah, that's it. Who is the guy? I think it's a guy with a big dick. Don Lucas. He's a Greek god.

Greek god of fertility, probably.

Men's, women, children. It doesn't matter.

They have to be so good in spite of it.

If someone with a face tattoo is an excellent teacher, then let them teach inmates. But stay away from my children.

I don't think that. It was an event that teenage girls could be 16 and older.

That sounds like the internet, but I don't know.

You should be allowed to say that some things are weird and crazy. And that doesn't necessarily mean you have to hate them or be against them. Comedians are weird and crazy. We're all weird and crazy.

And we'll figure out. We'll go from there.

Well, that's the weirdest part of all of it is, like, you can't, like, be mad at someone.

Especially if it's an honest mistake.

And if you went to the village in New York City, they did. They did get in your face. They were aggressive back then.

As a representative of conservative America here, I will say I was at my daughter's T-ball game, and there was one of the moms, pregnant, and one of her kids is in the T-ball game, and she's in shorts and just has two leg sleeve tattoos. Now, no judgment. It was fine. But there was something where I was like, it's just a little odd.

And there's a bunch there's a bunch of people who are trans who are like Basically come out and say like look. I know I'm not a woman. I know I'm a man Yeah, we shouldn't be we shouldn't be around kids. We shouldn't be competing in women's sports.

Not a lot. Not a lot of surgeries under 18. There is a lot. And when I say a lot, I think tens of thousands of like the chemical shit, like the puberty blockers.

Look, there's also a real debate with surgeries like that about whether that should be allowed even after you're an adult. And, like, I'm not even saying allowed.

Look, I'm a libertarian. I tend to agree with you. But if there was a doctor and you asked them to just remove my fully functioning left arm because I identify as a one-armed person or whatever, and doctors were like, no, I'm unwilling to perform a surgery on you.

Oh, so that's why he called it off. I thought it was just, this is insane.

I now, Joe, this is my new grift. I am now Mr. Conservative. We've got to get Trump elected. You've given up on this libertarian stuff. There's no money in it, I figured out.

You should have that thing on the back of your car where it's like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. You guys, we're getting close.

Yeah, they were mad when Trump came this year. But aside from that, they don't really. They don't see us as a threat.

He needs more Eric Weinstein.

Well, I was on the episode after the first time you had him on and the episode with him was just insane I was like the biggest thing on the internet and Almost 100% of the comments on my episode the next one were we want more Terrence Howard I Did it doesn't go to the right address But I did invent an uber

Fuck you, you fucking pussy.

He does that thing where, especially because most of us aren't people who even think about this stuff. So then when he's saying it, like when he was saying the whole thing when he was on with you about how the periodic table shouldn't be squares, it should be circle. And he had like a really good argument for it. And I remember just being like, that does sound really impressive.

Weinstein agrees with him. Well, that's what the thing is. Then like when you see someone like Eric Weinstein go like, oh, yeah, he's got a good point about this. You're like, wait.

I got off stage and I passed by Angela McArdle, who's the chair of the Libertarian Party. And I walked right by her and I went, 0% chance they listen. Now let's go watch the shit show because this is going to be ridiculous.

It's incredible.

I only watched a little bit of it. They kicked me out of backstage because it's like a Secret Service checkpoint thing or whatever because they're real on top of that. Not so big on... people with rifles on buildings, but they got me out of there.

There was one rich guy sitting on a bunch of blue garbage cans.

And so I go out and I come back around in the main room and I'm just, I walk into the middle of just all the people like, and one of them, at one point Trump goes, he goes, I fired Comey. And one of the libertarians goes, cause he was, cause he was onto you. And I just turned to him and I went, that's not even the right heckle. And then the guy goes, oh, what's the right heckle?

All you got to do is set up the incentives and human beings figure it out. All you got to do is go, if you solve this problem, you can become a billionaire. And then some genius will figure it out to become a billionaire.

I was like, I can't give it to you right now.

It is like at the airport, they'll do that with the big paper bags, and they charge you for the paper bags. It's not like... You're like, bags were always free. I existed for 30 years on this planet of bags being free.

Yeah, it was after that. He was trying to blackmail him, and fucking Trump caught on to that. Really? So he fired him. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. For sure? Yeah. No. How do you know? So, okay. Oh, here we go, guys.

I feel like you don't want to get caught in a hemp gee choke, though. I'd much rather just a regular gee than a hemp gee.

This is how you end up in a superhero movie, man.

Especially if you're the first human with it.

I don't know that they were actually ever trying to do

Well, I don't understand it, but it can't just be like a silk T-shirt. They had to have some type of thick silk even for arrows back then.

But that's what you can do in comedy, is that is enough to checkmate most comedians.

Dude, that would suck to put all that effort into pulling the bow and then Silk takes it out. I did that for nothing. I got beat by Silk.

All right.

The AI from Google says that they wore silk underclothes to help prevent blood loss from arrows, and that they had armor that was sewn together with silk, but there was some sort of plates. That makes much more sense. So it's like, yeah, under the armor was silk.

And they're doing it live for what I would describe as not that many people. Yeah, 45 people in the crowd.

That's insane, man. That knight had really good top control.

Well, also, all the shit from the NFL is like, the helmet doesn't really matter. Because when it's cracking against your head and you're rattling around, it's still not great.

Don't do this, you two. And I do want to watch a full pay-per-view of this now.

It does look great. This does roll.

Because he basically, the first time they ever met, he presented him with the Steele dossier, which had all of the, like, dirt.

Yeah, all the pee-pee shit in it. Or I shouldn't say shit. There was no shit alleged. Just piss. Russian piss. Yes, alleged Russian piss. That's the aspect Jay wants to make sure. Is that what collusion means?

Lewis had a moment where he was like, I don't think I should do armored fighting or get a motorcycle license. Maybe neither of these are good I have to trust you because I have to pee Okay, it's no you're leaving the number one show in the The number one show in the world being left in the hands of the Legion of skanks. What could possibly go wrong?

Let's take call Lewis Jamie What if it just turns out there's been phone lines the entire time just people have been waiting to get Some new ideas for the show It's all, but it's all way behind. It's all a guy who's like, I want to say something to Brian Redband. This is, you're years late, sir.

Oh, yeah, he's doing all right.

I like to think we're getting there.

There might be a walrus dick up there somewhere. It does kind of look like a walrus dick now that you mention it.

That was pulled out of the permafrost in Alaska. This was? Yeah, see how it's like shaved or sawn there? That was the no one knows why. It's all flat like that. That's the talk.

The Walrus dick bone.

It's not up there. It's in the other one.

Well, I've seen friends of mine have way less power go to their head. It's weird, right? I wouldn't trust these two with power. But it is a weird thing to watch, right? Yes.

You never build houses. God made the right call on that one.

Some primates do have one.

Well, it said chimps have them, which are supposed to be our closest... No houses.

It's like whatever the common ancestor of us and chimps is, that was the split. They were like, look, we're going to go in this direction where we build civilization. And the chimps were like, we're going to keep our dick bones. So good luck.

Well, isn't that... Yeah, it's like the way we feel about crushing on stage is the way Hillary Clinton feels about crushing Libya.

The CEO of Viagra, as this podcast is out, is in a room somewhere going, they're talking about it on the Joe Rogan Experience, all right? This threatens our entire business model.

That might be the thing that drives the collapse. Yeah. Once you get the dick bone, there's no more need for civilization.

Okay. All right, I get it.

You're like, that was my third wife, by the way. I'll have a fourth one soon.

That's misgendering.

Wait, the crocodile is scarier than the alligator?

And what is it that makes them scarier?

Some of us are here to learn. We look stupid now because of that dumb-ass question, dude.

Jesus. American crocs, it says when I look it up.

Yeah, you're doing shit.

By the way, step one is always stay calm. Yeah, no. First thing you want to do. Do I play dead? Do I act big? What do I do? Hilarious.

Don't lions do that shit in Africa, too? Like, they really hunt humans, right? They'll really, like, plan it out and shit. Did you ever see that Val Kilmer movie? They have people whistles. They go, sup, dude?

Who wants some pussy? I got wild pussy in the woods.

Are you guys hearing that? I'm going to go check this out real quick.

Good morning.

Well, fellas, we know what we're doing after this.

And no one tells you not to eat the ducks. There's just ducks there.

Kill ducks.

You did it before, right, Lewis?

Yeah, that doesn't sound fun.

That's what it is?

Do they have a disproportionate control of the fish media? I'm just wondering.

No, but I want to now.

You ever seen one? No, I don't think so. Pull up a photo. Looks like they've got one right here. Oh, there it is.

Is there a video of one of these things like eating a duck? Oh, yeah, for sure.

There are so many rats in New York City, dude.

Yeah, there's not like a guy going down there who's like, everybody hold still, 14, 15.

It said in 1950, the New York City Health Department went back to one-to-one.

In the city, and we all lived in the city for years and years, which Jay still does, but every now and then there'll just be a block where there's construction or something like that, like there's something open in the ground, and you just have to walk through it, and you just have to stomp your way through it because there's just rats everywhere. It's the fucking worst, dude.

I went to Key West for supposed to be 10 days. Yeah, and I was there a year and a half.

It was insane. I stayed at a resort on the beach for a year and a half. And it cost, I heard, a million dollars. I don't think it was a million, but it was a lot of money.

I mean, it was definitely probably half a mil for sure. I feel like it was more than that. It might have been. I kind of don't want to know.

Some, I was like, I was Mr. Olympian, 1938.