Mallory Ervin
speaker
199 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Jan 2025
Mallory Ervin’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
And we were kind of like throwing a Hail Mary of like, is this the issue? Like, what is the problem? Because it just looked so different for me. I wasn't out on the street doing drugs. These were prescription medications that were being prescribed to me that I had become dependent on and was taking them in a way that was not prescribed.
But I was still so delusional when I showed up because I felt like I still had everything together in my life, even though I really didn't. Because it... kind of looked that way on the outside. And I thought, okay, I'll show up to this place and they're going to turn me away and be like, well, she doesn't need to be here.
Not only did they very quickly realize I need to be there, but I did my 30 days there because most people they'll do 30 days of treatment. And at the end of 30 days, you've gone through withdrawals and all the things that you need to go through, you know, that your body needs to go through. And I thought after 30 days, I would be pretty good to go and they would send me home.
And I thought, you know, as the still perfectionist that I was, I was like, well, great, you know, this will give me a little bit of street cred and I can write a book about it one day. And like, this is going to be great, you know, for the future of me. It's okay, this blip on the radar. And
My parents came in and we sat down with my counselor and they said, we don't feel like you're finished with the work here. We are recommending extended care for you, which was three months that they wanted me to stay there longer. And I was floored by that because I had seen people that had come in that were literally on the streets using heroin and things that I thought
in my perfect perfectionistic mind were worse than what I was doing. I was comparing myself to other people and being like, well, they're certainly gonna let me out. Like they're not even keeping these people. And they kept me the longest.
And it was in that three months that turned into almost five months that I did the work on uncovering what was underneath and why I'd become the person that I'd become and why I was using these things like I was using. And they did something really crazy kind of with me. They're very individualistic at the place that I went in their approach to how they help people overcome their addictions and
the things that they need to overcome that was underneath their addictions. And something that they did with me, I clearly, you know, coming from pageants and caring a lot about my appearance and what I looked like, I had had these long blonde hair extensions like my whole life. I'd never gone a day without hair extensions and full makeup and everything.
Um, I remember they, I'd been, um, in extended care for a few weeks and they said, well, you're doing really well. So we're going to let you have a hair appointment. Cause I had had, I have dark hair naturally and my dark roots were growing out and all these extensions were starting to fall. I was literally physically starting to fall apart. oh, amazing. Awesome.
So, you know, I did all my things, filled out all my forms and this big van, white van pulls up with our treatment facility name on the side and they drive me to the hair salon. And I opened my book with this story because it was very transformative in the work that I did there. And this story may sound kind of silly to people, but it was one of the most
life shifting things that have, that's ever happened to me in my life. And what happened was I walk into this hair salon and, um, they were going to take my hair extensions out because they were halfway falling out. And, uh, you know, for 10 years, I'd never had them out of my head. And I don't think I really thought about that.
And so they took all these extensions out of my hair and I was faced backwards. So I So they did that first before they were getting ready to color my hair. And I can still remember there was a silver tray next to me. And I can remember seeing her take these permanent extensions out of my hair and putting them on this silver tray beside me.
And when she turned my chair around and I looked in the mirror, I had an out-of-body experience and my life like flashed before my eyes. Really? It was very bizarre. And I was so emotional that my hair was out. My hair was like two inches long underneath that. It was all different colors because I had two inches of dark roots. And I had just never seen myself like that.
And I think also just everything that I'd gone through, I was a different version of the person that I'd expected to become. And it was so emotional and so visceral, this reaction that I had. And then she went on to say, okay, now we're going to color your roots. And I was already having this moment. I was like, okay. So she colored my hair and it ended up not going well.
And so it was like orange and white stripes and it was two inches long and it was, then she had to cut it. And I got back in the white van and they drove me back to the treatment center and I walked straight into my counselor. And I said, I know you guys think you know what you're doing with me and with my case.
And I know you guys know, think you know what you're doing with me, but you don't because now I feel worthless. I've never felt the way that I've felt about myself. Now I want to go out on the streets and do the hard drugs. I don't even want to like live anymore because I felt so terrible about myself. And I was like, I want to go home.
And I almost left treatment that day because it was such a, I'd never felt so worthless in my life. taking out my hair extensions.
It was the first part of my shell that they were cracking. And I didn't even realize, Jamie, that I was so attached to my parents. Cause I'd never been like attached to my parents growing up. I was never like the prettiest one in the room. I was always, I always had a talent and that's always kind of what I stood on. And
pageants and like things around my looks was never even anything that was in my future. I really wanted to be a representative for my state. And I knew talent was 35% of the score at Miss America. I mean, I'm five feet tall. Like I didn't ever think I was going to do a pageant.
But I think that something changed in me that year when they started talking about, because it's essentially like, you know, what our parents called them is beauty queens. You know, we were beauty queens. And I think that I had started to really become attached to to my appearance and to the person that I was. And that was the first real tick away at that.
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