Mallory Ervin
speaker
199 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Jan 2025
Mallory Ervin’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
And it was like such, when I tell you, like my whole body felt something. And I was so, I never felt that worthless. And I think I share this story because, and I was afraid to open my book with this because I was like, I don't want women reading this and be like, oh really? I can't connect with you. Like you had that moment over your hair extensions. Like I've gone through actual trauma.
That was actually like that big of a low point for me. And I think that so many women,
to attach our self-worth to our appearance and as we start to age and as we can't really control what we look like and we start looking we we start looking different and I think people don't know what's happening to them and I didn't know that I was becoming that attached to that until they took that away from me and that was the first thing that they did for me uh
I say for me now, but like back then, I thought it was the worst thing that they did to me back in treatment. But it was truly the thing that like it revealed to me something that was really crippling me. And we started to work through it. And then it was about a month later. And, you know, okay, I've gotten used to the hair extensions being out. Now I'm not as attached to my appearance.
But I was still singing at this little chapel that we had where everybody's families would kind of come. And it was just this moment where I could set myself apart from people because I still was able to show my talent. Mm-hmm. And be like, okay, yes, here I am in rehab. And here I am looking like this, different than I've ever looked before. And I also gained 30 pounds in treatment.
So I felt overweight and like all of these things. And I'd kind of become okay with that. And they said to me again, they said, you're going to take a break from singing and chapel. And that was really another shift for me because then I had nothing. Mm-hmm. I felt so average and like everyone else and like I looked different and I was different.
And I was like, now you're going to tell me I can't talk about being anything that I'd done, Miss Kentucky or Miss America or The Amazing Race. You know what's funny, too, is my third season of Amazing Race was airing while I was in treatment.
And they let us watch TV on Sunday nights and they would turn on TV and like there I was and they would like turn it off or they would turn the channel because they like they didn't want me to talk about. They wouldn't let me cling to that old self because they were doing so much work of stripping that away and showing me what was underneath it and making me okay with what was underneath it.
Because I had the self-confidence. I believed that I was enough. Even going through what I was going through in treatment when I could still say to people, but I did this and listen to me sing. And, you know, it was the last little shred of my old self and my shiny shield that I was holding out to other people.
And they really knew what they were doing with me because that's when I really did the real work because I had nothing left. And I just felt... what I think a lot of women feel their whole lives for the first time. I felt that. And I didn't want to live like that. And they taught me in three months of work that I did.
I loved the person underneath that without all of those things more than I loved the person that I went into treatment as. With all of those accolades and achievements and achieving all of those dreams. Um, I walked out of there, you know, 35 pounds heavier with two inch long hair, not talking about any of the stuff that I'd done, not singing in the chapel, not, and I loved that.
That was the closest to the person that I want to be than I've ever been in my life was take was without all of those things.
Yes, it is. And you know what was really hard about it and why I think I... I lived that way for so long. It's really hard when the thing that you're attached to is seen as a positive thing.
A talent. Or being Miss Kentucky and representing my state.
And you know, I can even remember, Jamie, like when I, even after, when you're Miss Kentucky, you walk into the room and you got a crown and banner on. You don't even have to like, that's the worst thing for a perfectionist because it's like, oh, you don't know who I am. Here you go, right here on the banner. Like, look, here I am, the queen. I used to introduce myself to people.
And this is the first clue to feeling probably unworthy. I needed them to know in the first minute and a half that I had done Miss America and The Amazing Race. And I needed them to know those things because I felt like that was the reason that they would want to continue the conversation for me. I didn't feel like enough, you know, just being me and showing up.
And I just had to have them know those types of things, especially as I got further and further from those things that I saw as big, shiny dreams. as I stopped achieving bigger things, I just started to feel worse and worse about myself. And I was so disappointed in myself. And I felt like so many people were disappointed in me for not doing bigger and bigger and bigger things.
So when I would be just talking to you, if you and I were in a room, I would need to tell you all of those things about myself because of the lie that the world tells us. But I really believed that lie.
It is so impossibly hard. Yeah. A baby step to worthiness. I love that. I did this program in Nashville called Onsite. It's like a little, you know, three-day program. It's just like this cool transformative, like very like...
cool thing where it's called uh what's it called uh living centered living centered I was like centering something yes and that's a big thing there they were like don't you can't say what you do yes and it was really really hard and I'd already been through all of this stuff like and I already kind of felt good in my skin even without people and it was still really hard it was hard to not to ask other people what they did and I'm like why do we qualify I
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