Marco Rubio

Right away, the bitches got bitchy. Like when I showed up for the campaign in the cutest new boots and they called them man heels and high-heeled booties. You see how picky I am about my shoes? And they only go on my feet. It's called style and glaring insecurity. Ever heard of it? And then the meanest girl of them all came out of nowhere.

Oh, yeah? Well, just like a cat, when I get wet, I get mad. And also kind of like mildewy. Whatever. The point is, this kitty likes to scratch.

Oh, yeah? Well, just like a cat, when I get wet, I get mad. And also kind of like mildewy. Whatever. The point is, this kitty likes to scratch.

Donald is not going to make America great. He's going to make America orange.

Donald is not going to make America great. He's going to make America orange.

Mike effing drop. As long as he didn't come up with a nickname for me, I had this battle won.

Mike effing drop. As long as he didn't come up with a nickname for me, I had this battle won.

L-I-D-D-L-A, Little.

L-I-D-D-L-A, Little.

It was time to go burn book nuclear. And you know what they say about men with small hands? What? Come back from that, Hoover.

It was time to go burn book nuclear. And you know what they say about men with small hands? What? Come back from that, Hoover.

I was outplayed. I went from superstar to a short, sweaty, high-heeled loser.

I was outplayed. I went from superstar to a short, sweaty, high-heeled loser.

But I wasn't ready to... It's Rubio! We get it. I was down, but I wasn't out. Well, I was out of the presidential race. You know what I mean. Shut up. There was only one thing left to do. Makeover. Something many thought would never happen. Marco Rubio supporting Trump.

But I wasn't ready to... It's Rubio! We get it. I was down, but I wasn't out. Well, I was out of the presidential race. You know what I mean. Shut up. There was only one thing left to do. Makeover. Something many thought would never happen. Marco Rubio supporting Trump.

And together, we will not just make America great again.

And together, we will not just make America great again.

It was pathetic. It was embarrassing. It was so cringe. But most importantly, it worked.

It was pathetic. It was embarrassing. It was so cringe. But most importantly, it worked.

Yes! I finally made it into the inner circle. I was one of the cool kids. In the end, I realized it's not about being the richest or the tallest or the most popular. It's what's inside that counts. And inside, I have nothing. No spine, no principles, not even a shred of dignity. Because all that really matters is that when you get pushed over, you fall in line. XOXO, Little Marco.